10 Ways to Stop Thinking You’re Not ‘Good Enough’

Because yes, actually, you are.

If you’re a man or women who’s bought into our culture’s pervasive, self-harming programming, causing your inner critic to repeatedly tell echo the words, “I’m not good enough,” it’s well past time for you to wake up from that nightmare of negative, self-destructive thinking and focus on learning how to love yourself and practice self-care instead.

In her powerful book, A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson writes:

In our natural state, we are glorious beings. In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisoned, slaves…Our jailer is a three-headed monster; one head our past, one our insecurity, and one our popular culture.

You’ve been brainwashed to go from powerful to powerless, but you don’t have remain stuck in that place.

You may feel ashamed, as though you’re somehow inadequate or bad, and you’re likely full of fear, so you keep looking to others to tell you who to be and what to do, compromising yourself and your needs along the way.

Our culture and your past relationships have hypnotized you to believe that you’re not good enough.

It’s time to stop letting these self-harming thoughts make you feel emotionally and psychologically oppressed. It’s time for a paradigm shift. It’s time to peel away the layers of your false self and to discover, instead, your true self.

The poet Rumi said:

You are more valuable than both heaven and earth. What else can I say? You don’t know your own worth. Do not sell yourself at a ridiculous price.

When you don’t feel good about yourself, you feel that you are being watched and judged, which increases your sense of not feeling good about who you are. This becomes a vicious cycle in which you are constantly under-valued and shamed by both yourself and others

As an emotion, shame is a reflection that you believe yourself to be worthless, damaged, and no good. And when you feel shame on a regular basis, you begin to behave the way you believe others expect you to.

To end this self-harming pattern and stop saying, “I’m not good enough” to yourself, here are 10 ways to refocus your thinking and find the value in loving yourself.

1. Connect Rather Than Compare.

Comparing yourself to others — whether it’s a top model or your co-worker — is a dead-end. When you compare yourself, you feel undervalued and less than.

In order to connect with others, it’s imperative that you first know your strengths and positive qualities. Take some time to take a good look at your characteristics and accomplishments and make a list to fully embrace all that you are.

Connecting with others can come from something as simple as a smile. Be kind, without being submissive.

Conversation is the touchstone of connection. You can actually get to know more about yourself through talking openly with others. The experience of intimacy comes about from conversations.

In fact, the word intimacy comes from the Latin word “intimus”, which means innermost. In order for a relationship to be intimate, there needs to be a sharing and disclosing of your innermost thoughts and feelings.

Don’t agree to things just so that you can avoid conflict and be accepted in the relationship. You can agree to disagree. Everyone has a right to their own perspective and opinion.

2. Have a Dialogue with Your Inner Critic.

Your inner critic is made up of the negative self-talk that you actually heard from childhood and have internalized.

Some common judgments you hear from your inner critic might include:

• “Don’t do that, or people won’t like you and will be upset with you.”
• “You need to work harder.”
• “You’re not smart enough.”
• “You’re not lovable.”

It’s time to have a dialogue with your inner critic and there is no power struggling necessary.

Remember that your inner critic thinks it’s protecting you by keeping you safe and out of trouble and its good intentions have gone awry.

Retrain your inner critic so it shifts into a coach that can challenge you, without putting you down. Remember, if you don’t think you’re enough, you will deprive yourself of opportunities because you don’t think you’re worthy.

When you hear yourself making these negative judgments, catch yourself and change it up to a supportive, positive voice instead.

3. Choose Self-Empowering Language.

When you tell yourself that you “should”, “ought”, or “have to” do, be, or feel something, you are oppressing yourself.

Instead, choose to do what you want to do. It’s much more empowering and you feel the freedom that choice gives you.

4. Break the Habit of Idealizing Your Relationships.

If things are going wrong and you feel like a failure, try shifting your perspective to see the whole picture. Get a reality check about what each of your responsibilities is.

Consider how you may have to rewrite the rules so that you can stand up for yourself in your relationship.

Don’t let yourself be held back in a relationship that invalidates who you are. And, definitely, don’t let yourself be held back in a relationship that minimizes what you’re capable of. Find a community — and a partner — that will support you for who you are.

Finding Happiness When You’re Overwhelmed With Insecurity

5. Stop Over-Identifying with Circumstances.

You are more than your mistakes, your income, and your body type.

For example, if you failed a test, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. If you’re having a hard time finding a job, that doesn’t mean you’re a loser. So don’t let these perceived roadblocks weigh on your feelings of self-worth.

6. Be Authentic.

In his book, How To Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden tells us:

The lies most devastating to our self-esteem are not so much the lies we tell as the lies we live. We live a lie when we misrepresent the reality of our experience or the truth of our being.

Branden confronts us, stating that when you choose to be someone you’re not, you’re doing it because you think the real you is unacceptable. He also offers some questions to help you explore the challenges of being authentic and realizing we’re enough.

In one exercise, he recommends writing somewhere between six to 10 endings for each of several statements regarding being open and honest. Here are a few examples:

• “The hard thing about being honest with myself about what I’m feeling is ___________________________.”
• “The hard thing about being honest with others about my feelings is ___________________________.”
• “If I strived to be true and accurate in my communications ___________________________.”

If you want to have an intimate connection with someone, being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings is necessary.

Being yourself allows the other person to know and appreciate who you truly are. If you withhold your feelings, your relationship cannot be close. Your hesitation at opening up creates a wall between you.

Challenge yourself to say, “I really need to talk about something.”

Remember who you are and express it the world.

7. Practice Being Present.

Being in the present and giving your full attention to yourself and the other creates an optimum environment for your relationship to deepen. Be responsive, not reactive. Allow yourself to receive.

A relationship is never all about one person and getting their approval. Let your relationships be about you, too. A close relationship with someone who truly cares about you actually strengthens your healthy sense of self and self-value.

8. Identify Your Wants and Needs.

Needs are usually something that is important to us, whereas wants are preferences and not quite as important as needs.

Conflict arises when two people want different things. If you don’t feel good enough, you may not value yourself enough to see your wants as important. You may be confused and think that one of your needs is just an unimportant want.

Then, you may dismiss your need as not important enough. So you won’t ask for what you need and you will feel threatened to speak up for yourself because you fear the other will leave you.

9. Love and Accept Yourself.

Unconditional love means you love yourself no matter what. It means you have unconditional worth. Love yourself without judgment.

You are enough. You don’t have to be Super Woman and have to prove yourself and earn love from yourself or anyone else. You are not loved for what you do. You are loved for who you are.

Having good personal boundaries is an effective way of loving and taking care of yourself. Stop seeking validation and approval from others. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

5 Reasons Why It Feels So Darn Hard To Love Yourself Sometimes

10. Practice Self-Care.

When you feel good about who you are and you feel worthy, you naturally take better care of yourself and self-nurturing is the biggest part of self-care.

Take a close look at how you’re living. Are you taking time for the things that bring you joy? Are you eating and moving and feeling healthy and energetic? Are you sleeping enough?

If not, it’s time to make some serious life changes.

Finally, repeat the following statement out loud: “I am enough. I have enough. I am worthy.”

Honor yourself and own your power.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 10 Things You Simply Must Do If You Never Feel ‘Good Enough’ In Relationships.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-ways-to-stop-thinking-youre-not-good-enough/

Rehab Industry Marketing Needs Federal Oversight, Regulation

Despite trying to clean up its act, the addiction treatment industry (also known as the “rehab industry”) remains a cesspool of bad marketing by too many companies to count. In July, industry experts tried to paint a different picture to a U.S. House of Representatives committee, suggesting that self-regulation was possible.

Yet in just a cursory look at some of the big players who are guilty, in my opinion, of deceptive marketing practices, nothing has really changed. And the industry association who believes they can self-police its membership is missing some of the biggest players in its membership, meaning its policies and regulations don’t apply to those who are the most guilty of the problematic marketing behaviors.

The addiction treatment industry is big money, despite the dearth of research showing that the inpatient treatment model for addiction recovery is effective or results in better outcomes than outpatient alone. Because virtually everyone who has health insurance in America has access to their own “free 30 days” of inpatient addiction treatment, the industry is focused on getting as many people through their doors as possible. Sometimes without regard for whether (a) the person actually would benefit from inpatient (vs outpatient) addiction treatment and (b) whether the person even has a bona fide addiction.

Addiction Treatment’s Poor Online Marketing Record

I first noted the significant problems with the addiction treatment system in America back in 2013 (nothing has changed significantly from when I wrote that article). Then in 2016, I analyzed the seedy underbelly of addiction treatment centers’ online marketing efforts. That article was based off an earlier example of how problematic — and purposely misleading — the addiction treatment system’s marketing efforts are.

So has anything really changed in the past 3 or 4 years? Not really.

According to a news report about the Washington committee meeting, “the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers (NAATP) updated its code of ethics for 2018 and began enforcing member compliance on Jan. 1.”

“According to NAATP Executive Director Marvin Ventrell, two dozen organizations comprised of nearly 100 facilities have been excluded from membership this year because they weren’t able to meet the criteria.”

The problem, of course, is that big companies like American Addiction Centers, Inc. and Freedom Healthcare of America LLC aren’t members. So if a company isn’t a member of a professional organization, their rules and ethics don’t apply to them.

And we can immediately see why Freedom Healthcare of America, for instance, wouldn’t want to be a member and follow the Code of Ethics for the industry. This principle is especially problematic for these companies:

B. Deceptive Advertising or Marketing Practices

[…] Banners and borders on websites that utilize a web directory’s call center number, especially when conveying an appearance of being a consultant or independent specialist, are prohibited.

So how do these companies do with their online marketing practices?

Still Actively Deceiving Users

This is what a directory entry on one of Freedom Healthcare of America’s websites, drugrehab.org, looked like just last year:

What’s the most prominent phone number on this page? See the problem there?

Hazelden did too. They got so sick of dealing with deceptive marketing practices of this nature in the industry, they just filed a lawsuit against Freedom Healthcare and another addiction treatment center company, Addiction Enders.

Neither company appears to be a member of the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers trade organization. Meaning there is no sanctions possible from that group.

Today’s version of that same page doesn’t look much better, even with the lawsuit filed:

There’s still just one really prominent number on that page… And it doesn’t belong to Hazelden. But most unsuspecting visitors to this site would never know that. And if you fill out that form right next to Hazelden’s entry? It doesn’t go to Hazelden — it goes to Freedom Healthcare.

Other companies don’t fare much better. Mental Help Net — with its 1.1 million monthly visitors — still throws up its referral number (that refers people to American Addiction Centers’ or their sponsors’ facilities) in a big bold banner that remains at the top of the page no matter what content you are viewing:

To be fair, American Addiction Centers’ main website, rehabs.com, does prominently list other companies’ phone numbers and contact information in their database. But for years, rehabs.com also didn’t prominently display or note that it was owned by American Addiction Centers, likely leading hundreds of thousands of visitors to believe that it was just an independent directory of addiction treatment facilities.

Our shameless friend Sean Callahan, who we featured in our 2016 article, is still apparently running his network of unbranded sites for treatment centers in Florida. While some of the domains we listed in that article have been taken offline, many others remain. A few new ones (to us, anyways) have also been added to his empire.

Needless to say, Sean’s organizations don’t appear to be members of NAATP either. Meaning there is little industry recourse to stop his deceptive marketing practices.

A Federal Solution is Needed

Because of these examples — and trust me when I tell you that this is just the tip of the iceberg — I don’t see any reasonable way that the industry can police itself. Too many players in the industry have demonstrated throughout the years the extent they will go to drive patients to their facilities. While NAATP is a well-meaning organization and their Code of Ethics is a good start, it’s clear it won’t be enough.

Furthermore, NAATP has made it pretty clear they don’t really want to do any heavy-lifting on policing their own ethics code. They suggest people get in touch with the company violating their code first, then try and navigate the bureaucracy of one of the accrediting bodies (lol!), THEN contact their state licensing agency, and THEN contact the Better Business Bureau. Only after you’ve done all of that does NAATP want to take a look at your complaint. This is funny, because both the NAATP and its members know few people have the time, energy, or ability to go through all those steps in order to get a company to stop being unethical in their marketing practices.

That’s why a federal solution is needed. Only an oversight and policing organization like the Federal Communications Commission or the Federal Trade Commission can put a halt to these ongoing deceptive marketing practices by addiction treatment companies. Millions of Americans are being impacted by these practices every year, just to line the pockets of a few company’s owners and shareholders. This has got to stop.

The industry, of course, has only itself to blame. It allowed these deceptive online marketing practices to bloom over many, many years, turning a blind eye to the harm they’ve caused to unsuspecting people looking for objective, independent information about addiction treatment centers. It is far too late to pretend none of that happened or to think that these problematic behaviors are just going to go away on their own.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/rehab-industry-marketing-needs-federal-oversight-regulation/

Finding Playfulness in the Seriousness

I have recently seen videos of social experiments that encouraged adults to find time to play. In one such video, a hopscotch board was drawn on a city street and over the course of the next ten hours of the 1,058 people who walked by, only 129 stopped, if but momentarily, to engage in the playful distraction.

In another video, a man and his friends set up a large ball pit in an urban space to see if adults would take a moment for themselves. He asked people walking by if they were too busy to have fun. Immediate responses focused on the need to return to work - all work, no play. However, several people decided to seize the moment to dive in. A man wearing a perfectly pressed suit threw his briefcase into the pit moments before jumping in. The joy that exuded from those playful moments was priceless.

I am a play therapist, so am fortunate to play for a living. Through play therapy, children can externalize, process, master their struggles and tame inner demons through a variety of expressive mediums. Sessions transform from battles to caring for babies, playing sports, building worlds in the sand, making and eating full course meals, watching puppet shows, drawing, painting, blowing bubbles, and much more. With play, the possibilities are only limited by one’s imagination. It is truly a privilege to see the healing power of play first hand and to make time to experience play myself.

I would guess a vast majority of adults believe that play is primarily reserved for children. Life is stressful and there are a plethora of serious tasks and obligations that we must save our energy for instead of goofing off and spending time playing. Many of us are inundated with a full caseload, meetings, case management, consultation groups or supervision, continuing education, family obligations, and other side projects. We simply do not have time to stop and play hopscotch or jump in the ball pit. It does not mean that we do not want to; there is just not enough time in the day.

Being a psychotherapist is an immensely rewarding, and at times challenging and emotionally draining job. Being a container for so many hurting humans takes its toll on mind and body. We need self-care more than we allow for ourselves. We need to remember that we cannot give so much to so many and very little to ourselves. We must be gentle with ourselves and find time to rest, relax, and replenish.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to be completely immersed in your imagination and fully experience that moment? How can you make more time for playful self-care? When an obligation needs to be removed from our schedules, why is self-care is often the first to go? Because we convince ourselves that we cannot possibly sacrifice anything else on our schedule. As the Zen proverb states, “You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day – unless you’re too busy. Then you should sit for an hour.” This gentle self-care reminder is applicable to time spent playing as well. Foster more moments of joy, laughter, happiness and the liberation play can bring in your lives. The next time we contemplate if we have time in our day to playfully tend to our minds and bodies because we are too jam-packed, we must remind ourselves that these are the moments that we need these experiences the most.
 

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/finding-playfulness-in-the-seriousness

Best of Our Blogs: August 31, 2018

What do you when you come to a fork in the road and you’re not sure what to do next?

You created a pros and cons list, sought advice from friends and family, but you’re no closer to knowing what to do next.

I often think that when we don’t have an answer, we don’t have enough information yet. You might need to spend more time in the unknown, do more research or go somewhere quiet to reflect.

This week’s post may help you make that decision by reading about a common issue-unhealthy relationships.

5 Unhealthy Relationship Patterns Childhood Trauma Sets for Us
(Psychology of Self) – There’s a surprising connection between your behavior and relationship problems.

Toxic Behaviors: 12 Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – He or she drives you crazy. It’s likely they’re pushing your boundaries by doing this.

Four Reasons You Wake Up with a Bad Attitude
(NLP Discoveries) – Wake up on the wrong side of your bed? There could be biological reasons causing your grumpy mood.

Put Your Camera Away! 6 Things to Consider Before You Take Any More Pictures
(Sorting Out Your Life) – See what you’re in danger of when you snap that photo.

How to Reclaim Your Self-Confidence in Codependent Relationships
(Happily Imperfect) – It’s the self-care that’s needed when your worth is dependent on someone else. Read how you can finally begin to release yourself from the chains of codependency.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-august-31-2018/

Are You Happy Being Miserable?

Everyone knows a few people who almost constantly moan and groan, complain and whine. They blame circumstances and concurrent emotions on others and take little responsibility for how they view the world or their role in their own unhappiness. You might live or work with such a person — or even be one.

In a recent conversation with a long-married woman, she divulged that her husband is a chronic complainer — generally finding the dark cloud surrounding the symbolic silver lining. She chalks it up to a childhood in which emotional literacy was discouraged. He comes from a long line of pessimists. It is a challenge for her to maintain her own generally cheerful demeanor as she searches for ways to do an end-run around the roadblocks to his satisfaction with how his life is unfolding.

I recall a sign in one of my places of employment that had a red circle with a line down the middle and the word “whining” in the center to indicate that this was a “no whining zone.”  I do my best to make my mind that type of place as well.

People complain for a few reasons. “We use complaints as icebreakers,” said Clemson University psychology professor Robin Kowalski, PhD, in speaking to WebMD. “We start a conversation with a negative observation because we know that will get us a bigger response than saying something positive would.”

I wonder how that came to be, since I prefer feeling good to feeling disgruntled. It takes its toll on my vitality and ability to function at peak capacity.

One need look no further than social media or the television screen, which are lively platforms where complaints find comforting homes. Complaints can be the glue that bonds people as in cases when groups might come together over a political stance or a needed change, such as repairing a road filled with potholes. If we see others as sharing our views, we are validated and continue our downward spiral. Misery loves company, indeed. Complaining allows us to vent frustration and anger in safe, socially acceptable ways. It’s good to unload rather than lug these feelings around. But complaining can become habitual — or even addictive.

As someone who ‘shows up, stands up and speaks out,’ when I witness injustice being done, I prefer to focus on ways of making positive change rather than demonizing what I don’t like. When I attend vigils and rallies that are pro-peace, I see signs that put down the opposition. As clever as they are, I choose not to focus on that mindset.

Pay attention to your thoughts throughout the day. What’s the first thing that runs through your mind when you wake up: Is it gratitude or worry? Do you imagine what could go wrong? Do you complain about the other people in your life? Before I roll out of bed, I set an intention (the same one I have had for decades) to ‘have an extraordinary day and connect with amazing people.’ Each day I do just that.

Last year, I experience an ocular impediment in the form of a sty in my left eye. Besides being unsightly (no pun intended) with a swollen appearance, it impaired my vision. I have come to accept that physical symptoms are reflective of internal conditions. Instead of bemoaning it, I took the necessary steps to remedy it. Once I could see more clearly psychologically, I could see more clearly physically. Imagine that!

I also don’t want to see myself as limited in any way. In the past few years, a series of health challenges have had me slowing down even as I resist that necessity. I still work out at the gym and did a 5k in September 2017 and in the midst, felt the fear that my breathing would slow me down as it does when I am on the treadmill or walking fast paced uphill. I tend to minimize my challenges since I reason that others have far more severe impediments in their way.

My father used to guide me with the words, “If that’s the worst thing that happens to you, you’ll be okay.”

Mixed message, that one, since while it seems supportive, I internalized the idea that I had nothing to feel badly about… ever.

Another revelation came courtesy of a friend. After listening to me tell her how lately I have felt overwhelmed with people calling on me for support; some with chronic issues for which they saw no resolution and some who tended to “one up”, as in “my problems are worse than anyone else’s”, she pondered whether I had been taking on the energy until my body reacted by attempting to expel it through my eye. Made sense to me. Once I took in that wisdom, my body complied and cleared out the toxins (not wanting to get too graphic in my description, but suffice it to say that it wasn’t pretty) so that the lump is considerably smaller.

Chronic complaining is also a hazard to your health and is considered contagious. Neuronal mirroring is a factor as well. We see each other as reflections of each other, even if we are not conscious of the connection between us. When we are in the midst of those who are “happy being miserable”, it can be equated to the effect of second-hand smoke. We breathe in toxins even if we are not actually puffing away on the cigarette.

Complaints often focus on our “don’t wants”:

• “I don’t want to drink or do drugs, but it’s too hard to get clean.”
• “I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to diet.”
• “I want to quit smoking, but I’m under too much stress to give it up now.”
• “I want to be married, but don’t want to change anything in my current lifestyle.”
• “I want to graduate from college, but don’t really want to do the work involved.”
• “I want my house to be in order, but I don’t want to clean up after myself.”

I am recalling a dynamic that occurs here in the East Coast region of the United States each winter. As temperatures often plunge below zero and many feet of snow accumulate, folks understandably complain about delays and power outages. Those complaints didn’t stop the snow or the temperatures from falling, nor did they make us any warmer. On the flip side, each summer, people focus on the scorching sun and torrential rain. The truth is, the weather is the weather.

Many people take to social media to complain, knowing they’ll always find those who’ll carp along with them. But eventually complaining becomes ingrained and we see diminishing returns. There are certain things beyond our control, such as the weather, traffic and other people’s choices. What if we could change our focus to what’s working — or better yet, to what we can change?

Try these tips to help break the cycle of chronic complaining and retrain your brain:

• Focus on what you can control, such as attitude and actions.
• Evict the invaders in your head that make a mess of your mind.
• Give yourself a pity party pass. Take time to throw a mini-tantrum. When the “party” is over, leave.
• List what’s working in your life. Think of your home, family, friends, romantic relationships, work, creative outlets, health, spirituality, and community. Hold an attitude of gratitude.
• Make a positive change.

In 1981, I spent 10 days hiking, camping and cross-country skiing on an Outward-Bound course. An instructor taught us to be constructive instead of complaining. “If you’re cold, put on a layer of clothes,” he said. “If you’re hot, take off a layer of clothes. If your socks are wet, change them. Out here if your socks freeze, you’ll lose toes.” How often do we stay in “wet socks” when we could put on clean, dry ones?

Finally, remember these wise words from Anthony J. D’Angelo: “If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-you-happy-being-miserable/

The Therapist Speaks: The Benefits of Couples Counseling

There are many reasons why people seek couples counseling. There are also reasons why people don’t seek help with their relationship. You may feel as if the relationship is stagnant or deteriorating, and not know how to move forward. Your relationship may be filled with hurt, contempt, confusion, and sadness. You may feel disconnected from your partner over time, or due to hurtful things your partner has done. Your relationship may have spun out of control to the point where your self-identity has been called into question.

What to do?

Well, there are two paths to take. One calls for you to “stick it out” hoping that things will get better on their own. Perhaps you are afraid of moving from the status quo to one of growth, of change. Perhaps messages from your past tell you to “grin and bear it” and “hang in there” because the alternative might be worse than what you currently experience.  

The other side of the argument calls for action. It comes with the knowledge that things could be better, or at least you need to clarify what’s going on. It may be scary to admit that one’s relationship needs fine-tuning, a major overhaul, or a parting of the ways. Couples counseling may open up wounds that have been festering for a long time. But in the absence of exposing these wounds, healing is not possible. One needs to look at what’s really going to better understand why things have gone awry and what, if anything, can be done to repair or salvage the relationship.

Why Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling is about identifying, clarifying and resolving “core issues” that impede or strangle the relationship. While couples won’t necessarily agree on all issues or see things the same ways, core issues can become so intractable that the relationship becomes undermined.  

Many people mistakenly assume that only couples with serious problems can benefit from couple therapy. No relationship is free of conflict. Couple counseling can benefit all kinds of relationships, regardless of the severity of problems. Tangible benefits include, but are not limited to, improved patterns of communication, increased emotional and physical connection, and development of a life plan.  

The benefits of relationship counseling are endless, and often overlooked by couples in need of this type of therapy. There is still a stigma attached when it comes to couples counseling, and many avoid the issue out of a fear of perhaps embarrassment. Dealing with issues in your relationship on your own will not always solve the problem. There are struggles that only a trained psychotherapist can guide you through to a successful resolution. If you value your relationship and don’t want to lose it, but feel like you’re on the edge of doing so, then reach out to a therapist who specializes in couples counseling.

Your First Couples Therapy Session

What happens in a couples counseling session? Each session is unique and it depends on the style of the therapist. The therapist will build a rapport with both individuals so that they feel comfortable during the therapy session. Unresolved conflicts often stay just that — unresolved — festering inside of both individuals until it leads to anger and resentment. With the help of couples counseling, you can avoid this pitfall in your relationship.

No relationship is perfect and we all know this. Healthy relationships form the cornerstone of our daily interactions as human kind. We enjoy the feelings of love, safety, and security, but to achieve a balance in our relationships there are certain steps we can take so the process is smoother.

We seek relationships for a variety of purposes — safety and security, love and intimacy, to satisfy physical, emotional and spiritual needs, to name a few — and it is through our connections with others that we come to shape not only our view of the world around us, but the way we see ourselves.

Healthy relationships encourage interdependence while supporting personal growth and autonomy. They also place great value in open communication. However, even the most skilled couples and families can experience a breakdown in communication and increased conflict that results in avoidance and withdrawal, mistrust, unbalanced power and control, and an overall lack of patience and empathy.

Issues bringing clients to therapy include, but are not limited to, infidelity, poor communication, money, parenting or co-parenting, work or career issues, lack of physical or emotional intimacy, separation or divorce, caregiver stressors, abusive or other destructive relationships, grief and loss, and life transitions.

If you’re interested in couples counseling for your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist. It may be the best decision you can take to save your relationship from common problems. Don’t let the fear of embarrassment or the shame of “reaching out for help” from a therapist hold you back from achieving the relationship with your loved one that you truly desire.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-therapist-speaks-the-benefits-of-couples-counseling/

TPCS Podcast: Mental Health Resilience in Gay Men

 

It’s no surprise that gay men have been one of the many groups subject to mental health issues. What is surprising, though, is how well they bounce back from such issues. Our guest this week has studied resilience in gay men and literally wrote the book on the subject. He shares with us some stories found in the book and behind-the-pages experiences from the writing of it. He stresses that the book is not just for the gay community, however, as many of the issues are fairly universal, including the anger we feel due to our experiences. Listen to hear more.

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Resilience in Gay Men Show Highlights:

“The real surprise is not the disproportionate rate of mental illness among gay men, but the high proportion of resilience.” ~ John-Manuel Andriote

[4:30]   Is this book just for the gay community?

[5:58]   Stories of resilience.

[12:57] What about the anger from our experiences?

[15:36] Are there any specific mental health issues in the LGBT community that don’t exist outside of it?

[18:35] How John writes such a wide variety of genres.

[22:41] Surprising things learned while writing the book.

 

 

About Our Guest

John-Manuel Andriote has written about LGBT, HIV-AIDS, and other health and medical subjects since the early 1980s. He is the author of Stonewall Strong: Gay Men’s Heroic Fight for Resilience, Good Health, and a Strong Community; Victory Deferred: How AIDS Changed Gay Life in America; Hot Stuff: A Brief History of Disco/Dance Music; Tough Love: A Washington

Reporter Finds Resilience, Ruin, and Zombies in His ‘Other Connecticut’ Hometown; and a ‘fable for kids ages 5 to 105’ called Wilhelmina Goes Wandering. His articles have appeared in the Washington Post, The Atlantic, the Huffington Post, and leading LGBT publications across America. Andriote regularly speaks to audiences at conferences and universities and is interviewed by print and broadcast media. He has been an adjunct communication and journalism instructor at Eastern Connecticut State University and Three Rivers Community College, and has served as a communication and senior technical advisor for U.S. government-supported and non-governmental HIV-AIDS projects since the late 1980s.

Find him online:

Website | Facebook | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-mental-health-resilience-in-gay-men/

5 Personality Traits Happy People Share, According to Science

Are you happy? Only 33 percent of people would reply “yes” to that question, according to the 2017 Harris Poll Survey of American Happiness. Those results are perhaps unsurprising. We face more pressure now than ever before in our lives and careers. The world is an increasingly chaotic, noisy place.

Most of all, happiness means different things to different people, and because of that, there are many paths to achieve it. While one person may thrive in a fast-paced, competitive environment, another person may value being able to do their work alone in solitude.

While the “how” of happiness may vary between individuals, new research has found that there are a few personality traits that correlate strongly to better well-being.

The study conducted by positive psychologists, Jessie Sun, Scott Barry Kaufman, and Luke D. Smillie, broke down the classic Big Five personality framework into more nuanced dimensions, which allowed them to paint a more specific picture of what contributes to well-being and happiness.

In their results, they found five different “personal paths to well-being”:

1. Enthusiasm

Sociable and expressive, enthusiastic love to laugh and have fun. They tend to have more positive emotions, self-acceptance, and purpose in life. This reflects in their happiness levels:  people high in enthusiasm report higher life satisfaction and stronger relationships.

2. Low withdrawal

Everyone gets overwhelmed and turns inwards sometimes, but those low in withdrawal handle it more gracefully. They are lower in neuroticism, which means they experience less anxiety and aren’t as self-conscious. Put simply, they are more emotionally stable and less reactive to stress.

3. Industriousness

Perfectionists and productivity lovers rejoice! According to this study, being high in elements of conscientiousness is a good thing. The propensity to think ahead, plan, work hard, and follow through are not only linked to high-achievement, but also a feeling of mastery and engagement in life.

4. Compassion

Thoughtful, empathic people can get ahead after all. People who are compassionate care about others’ well-being, and as a result, increase their own. So go ahead and spend some time today practicing gratitude or helping someone in your network. It’ll be well worth the time investment.

5. Intellectual Curiosity

Those who are intellectually curious love to solve complex problems, yet are open to new ideas. They reflect, think deeply, and challenge themselves to grow.

Assertiveness and creative openness were two traits also predictive of certain aspects of well-being, but less so than the five above. Additionally, the study found that politeness, orderliness, and volatility were not at all predictive of well-being.

Can any of these traits be acquired or developed? “Relax!” Kaufman says, “Personality can be changed. A large number of scientific studies are piling up now showing that interventions exist to change personality.”

One place to start is getting control over negative thinking and emotions. You’re capable of more growth than you think.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-personality-traits-happy-people-share-according-to-science/

9 Suggestions for Stressed-Out Working Moms

You’re a working mom who often feels stressed out. You’re exhausted. Maybe you feel like you’re not giving what you want to give to your kids and to your job. Maybe you also feel like you’re regularly running around and yet nothing really gets done. Maybe you don’t have enough energy. You certainly don’t have enough time.

Lack of time is a top stressor for Katelyn Denning’s clients. The moms she coaches feel like they don’t have enough time for their work, their kids, chores, projects and for themselves.

Maybe this sounds all-too familiar.

Working motherhood may be tricky and sometimes complicated. But it doesn’t have to be hard, according to Sarah Argenal, a mom to two boys who writes, speaks, consults and leads interactive trainings on work/life balance, intentional living, and connected family relationships for busy professionals at www.workingparentresource.com.

“Being a working mom can be an adventure, a fulfilling and enjoyable experience—albeit with challenging moments peppered throughout,” Argenal said.

Below you’ll find a variety of practical suggestions to help you minimize stress and savor the adventure.

Track and analyze your time. Denning suggested checking out Laura Vanderkam’s writing, which includes powerful time-management books, such as Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done and I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make the Most of Their Time. (I love her work, too.) Vanderkam has a time-tracking sheet you can download at her website.

Denning has worked with many clients who discover that they actually have more time than they think they do, especially when they focus on an entire week (versus a single day).

“If you look at a single day as a working mom, it can feel overwhelming with everything that you have to do,” said Denning, a mom of two and a coach for new moms just returning to work, helping them set priorities, tackle mom guilt, and simplify their lives so they can enjoy working motherhood. But when you look at your week, you might realize that you have several open evenings or mornings for meaningful activities.

Tune in. “The longer I’m a mom, the more I realize that being a parent is all just one continuous evolution,” Argenal said. Every new phase her kids go through sparks new challenges and opportunities for growth. For everyone. Which also can feel disorienting, she said.

Argenal has found it helpful to regularly check in with herself. She suggested doing this especially “when you’re feeling overwhelmed, guilty, or like you’re doing it all wrong”: How are you feeling? What’s on your mind? What’s stressing you out, or draining you? What triggers you? What energizes you? What makes you happy? What do you need? How can you give this to yourself?

Be bad at things. “I don’t mind that I choose to be ‘bad’ at dinner parties,” said Sarah K. Peck, the founder of Startup Pregnant, a website for women entrepreneurial parents, and host of The Startup Pregnant Podcast, an interview show digging into the lives of working parents. She makes 8-minute pasta with butter because what really matters to her is being with friends (instead of waiting until she has the time and energy to prepare a big, fancy meal).

“Pick a few things to care about, and then make sure you’re getting ‘D’s’ and ‘F’s’ on your report card in other areas,” said Peck, a mom to one son and expecting her second.

Denning also helps her clients identify and prioritize what’s most important to them (versus doing something because they think they should). For instance, maybe you love making home-cooked meals or maybe you feel pressured to. Maybe you love yoga, and it’s vital for your well-being, and thereby a non-negotiable.       

Rethink work hours. Is it possible to adjust your work hours so they work better for you? Can you work from home some days? When Peck was growing up, her dad worked from 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. and did school pick-up. As an entrepreneur, Peck sets her own schedule and doesn’t have a commute.

Focus on your energy. “[W]hen I have more energy, I can plan and deliver from a place of enthusiasm, instead of feeling depleted,” said Arianna Taboada, a maternal health expert, author, and owner of a consulting firm that helps female founders intelligently design maternity leave plans that meet their business model and personal needs.

Recently, she realized that she feels more energized after sitting quietly with a book than after taking exercise classes. So, today, she carves out time to read two to three times a week.

Do less. “What works for me in this season of life—parenting a toddler and being the sole breadwinner—is: constantly find ways to do less,” Taboada said. Right now, this looks like not traveling for work more than three times a year, having her son in one activity, and doing only one “event” on weekends.

Argenal is also selective and intentional about her time. She used to say yes to everything: from reviewing a friend’s manuscript to taking on last-minute work projects to handling most of the housework. Which only left her drowning. “Today my family, my health, and anything else that fulfills me as a person gets my precious time, attention, and energy. Everything else—household chores, relationship drama, work ‘emergencies’—is delegated, minimized, automated, or eliminated from my life altogether.”

Don’t wait until you’ve got more time. Many of Denning’s clients put off projects until they have plenty of time to work on them. But the key is to start. “You’ll be 5 minutes further along than you were before and eventually those add up to a completed project,” she said. “Besides, when was the last time you actually had a significant chunk of uninterrupted time?”

Denning also suggested setting a timer to see how long tasks actually take. They might take less time than you think.

Experiment and reevaluate. “The routines and priorities that my clients set today, don’t have to be forever,” Denning said. “I encourage them to always reevaluate and change as their circumstances change.”

Taboada does quarter-long experiments: “[I]f one way of doing things isn’t working, I make some small tweaks, try them for a quarter, and assess.”

Create a ta-da list. This is what Denning calls a running list of tasks you’ve accomplished.  “We tend to look only at our looming to-do lists and all that we haven’t done. When you think about all that you do, from getting dinner on the table, taking care of your kids, paying bills, washing laundry and even catching 10 minutes to read a book, it’s pretty amazing.” 

“There are things beyond your control that really suck in today’s society,” like finding daycare coverage and commuting between work and school, Peck said. Sometimes, it can feel overwhelming just getting from place to place.

Taboada also noted that our social institutions and structures don’t make it easy to be working moms. “I believe what will change that is larger socio-cultural shifts, as well as finding the small ways we can maintain and survive with the resources available in the meantime.”

And by making some changes and tweaks, you can not only survive as a working mom. You can thrive, and you can flourish. In all spheres of your life.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-suggestions-for-stressed-out-working-moms/

Why the Therapist’s Children Have No Shoes: A Space Oddity

My family, like any other, has its ups and downs, especially now as we are free-falling somewhere in the middle of Monica McGoldrick’s stage of ‘launching children and moving on’. I’m not exactly sure if our children just aren't on the same launch schedule as my wife and I, or if we have simply failed to supply them with sufficient psychological propellant for their tanks.

In any event, a recent episode in our family’s unfolding narrative culminated with my wife, a social worker by training, texting our seed-sowing, soon-to-be 20-year-old ‘emerging-adult’ daughter a poignant, incisive and heartfelt text. Fearful that her venturing forth would leave family and friends behind, it read simply, “it’s much easier to ignore people and cut them off, than working at repairing relationships.”

Brilliant, I thought. My wife was quite proud, and I of her, for providing our child with yet another foundation stone in the launch pad from which she could eventually free herself from the massive gravitational pull of planet parent (not sure of why the intergalactic metaphors here, but it probably has something to do with encounters with alien life forms- our young-adult children).

We both eagerly awaited our daughter’s response, certain that it would be replete with affection and gratitude for sound advice. What my wife got back was, “Is that a dad quote?!” REALLY, is that a dad quote?!?! Was this a not-so-cryptic attempt to marginalize and diminish my wife? A backhanded insult at me for offering yet another of my unsolicited and perhaps patronizing pieces of parenting?

Mind you, I am a PhD clinical psychologist, with ABPP certification in child and adolescent psychology and a registered play therapist-supervisor. I have street cred with kids, teens and families. People pay me cash money, and those whose lives I have touched seem grateful, at least many of them do.

Which finally brings us around to the mixed metaphor title of this blog post. Parenting is rocky on any planet. And to paraphrase the great Sylvester Stallone from his movie Rocky, “life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows...it’s a mean and nasty place, and will drop you to your knees.”

So, getting back to the idea of therapists offering advice to their not-so-receptive children. The proverb says, that ‘the cobbler’s children always need new shoes,’ a popular example of the notion of vocational irony. A deep inspection finds this saying has several implications. If the cobbler was really good at his job, his kids wouldn’t need to go barefoot. Or perhaps it means that the cobbler is so busy cobbling for others, that his own children go without. But did anyone ever stop to think that the cobbler’s kids just don’t want to wear their father’s cobbled creations? Maybe the kicks (teen slang for shoes, I am told) are cooler in the cobblery down the street. Or maybe they would rather make their own shoes!

And maybe psychotherapists everywhere, especially those that dare to work with teens and their families, can take a lesson from this humble cobbler of young psyches. Keep your cobbling separate from your parenting, or you might end up with holes in the soles of your relationships. 

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/why-the-therapist-s-children-have-no-shoes-a-space-oddity

7 Tips to Take Charge of Your Time — and Your Life

“I know I should get to the gym every day but I don’t have time.” “I’d love to read to my kids every night but I don’t have time.” “I’d really like to get together with friends but I don’t have time.” “I know I should volunteer more but I just can’t fit it in.” “I’d work on the hobby I love but I don’t have time.”

Time. Time. Time. It’s such a common lament. I hear it every day — from my clients, from my friends, from my adult kids, from myself. The clock seems to be the enemy of all that is enriching, delighting and nurturing. Caught up in what we think we have to do, we put the things we most love to do, even things we need to do for our own physical and emotional health, at the bottom of the list.

The result? Our health suffers. Our relationships suffer. Our kids grow up without the family fun and nurturing they deserve. Hobby supplies get relegated to the back of the closet. We give up on dreams.

Sound familiar? Are you in charge of your time or has it become in charge of you? If you want to take more control of your time and your life, here’s a 7 step program for getting there.

7 Tips for Making Change

1. Stop making excuses. You have the same number of hours in a day as everyone else. Look around. There are people you know who also have demanding jobs, families, and mental health issues who none the less are living more satisfying lives than you are. Yes, I know. There are people who seem to have more energy or need less sleep or who are not burdened by anxiety. But the fact is that there are people much like you who are living more balanced lives than you are. The first step to making any change, even a change in your use of time, is to take responsibility for however you are contributing to the problem.
2. Set goals: Make a serious list of the things you would do if you had more time. Keep it real and realistic. Yes, you might fantasize about saving the world or making a cool million. But more realistic ideas are to make time to do some charitable work and to gradually increase your income. You might want to find a final cure for social anxiety that keeps you isolated. But a more realistic goal is to identify and take a first step toward getting back out into the world. Star the 3 things on the list that are most important to you. Those are your immediate goals.
3. Keep a time diary for two weeks: Before bed each night, write down how you spent each hour of the day. Write down what you were doing and how you felt about it. Did you really have to do it? Did you want to do it? Are there things you could have done differently so you’d have more time for the things that most matter to you? If you find you can’t look back and remember a whole day, then take out your diary several times a day and fill it in. Yes, I know this is tedious. I know that it is hard to take time to keep track of your time. But if you are serious about making a change, this is where you start. As a bonus: Researchers have found that as soon as people start tracking any effort to change a habit, whether it is weight loss, smoking cessation, daily exercise, or anything else, there is improvement. Being aware is the first step to making change.
4. Examine your data: Look at your patterns and choices in your time diary. Is there a difference between how you say you want to spend your time and what you are actually doing with it? Are there demands on your time that you really, really wish were not there? Are there practical reasons (low income) or emotional issues (depression) that are getting in the way? Take notes. Think hard about what you are discovering.
5. Make a plan: Studies show us that making a plan and taking even a step or two makes us feel better about ourselves. Go back to those 3 goals. Identify one or two new choices you can make right now, this minute, that will move you closer to being more in charge of your time and your life. Do take real limitations into consideration but don’t make them bigger than they are.
6. Get support: It’s human nature: People generally stick to making changes if they feel accountable to someone else. Find a partner or a group. Check in regularly. Be a helper as well as a help-ee. Too anxious to meet with others? Use one of the forums here at PsychCentral as a starting point. Too little time for checking in? Really? Maybe committing to a daily or weekly check-in is the first step toward taking charge of your time.
7. Track your changes: Someone once said “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Move from thinking about making changes in how you use time to doing it! Before bed every night, review what you’ve done or not done. Give yourself lots of credit for every small victory. But don’t scold yourself if your old habits caught you yet again. Just think about what you can do tomorrow to get back on track.

Change is difficult. We are all capable of staying in our uncomfortable but familiar ruts. It’s important to remember that anything that is important takes the willingness to be uncomfortable for awhile and the commitment to stick with it. You can do it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-tips-to-take-charge-of-your-time-and-your-life/

Therapeutic Ethics: A Sacred Bond of Trust

As a licensed Social Worker (MSW, LSW), I am required to take an ethics class every two years as part of my continuing education. These guidelines were established by the National Association of Social Workers (NASW), for the purpose of framing behavior that is both beneficial to our clients and does no harm to them.

Each time I sit in the classroom and go over scenarios and structure, the take home message is, if it breaks confidentiality, don’t do it. If it puts the client in a lesser position and takes away their personal agency and decision making, don’t do it. If it creates a dual relationship (business or interpersonal) or if it is of additional financial benefit to the therapist beyond the established or insurance contracted fee, don’t do it. If it even slightly resembles taking advantage don’t do it. Conscience is an equally important therapeutic skill.

My favorite parts of the training are the “what would you do?” scenarios.

Since I live and work in the same community, I am clear with clients that our paths may cross in public places and social settings. I assure them that I will not identify them as my client (they are welcome to do so if they choose) and will not discuss their therapeutic issues with them in those venues. Most shrug it off and say they don’t care. Some have even asked if we could be friends. I have kindly declined, letting them know that as a licensed professional, I can’t engage in “dual relationships“ with them since it involves a power differential. On a few occasions, I have run into some in supermarkets, faith communities, local events and a few parties. I have said hello and moved on.

Consider why you became a therapist. Hopefully, it is because you want to be of service and you have the wherewithal to do it. Although I hadn’t set out to sit opposite someone and listen to their stories, assisting them in sorting through sometimes dog eared and torn pages, it is where I now find myself after nearly four decades in the field. I attended school, studied diligently and earned my degrees — not to mention the “alphabet soup” letters those degrees permit me to tack onto the end of my name.

I put in my time, in previous years, in excess of 14 hours a day. A series of health crises and the desire to remain vertical, had me cutting back to a “normal” schedule. In that way, I am also able to offer clients my best. I incorporate my formal training and “seat of the pants” interventions as needed. There are times when I leave the office, and symbolically carry clients with me as I am contemplating interventions.

Potential pitfalls of such choices include compassion fatigue and burnout. Another risk is vicarious traumatization, which can happen when you spend so much time hearing about violence, abuse, neglect and suicidality that you begin to feel affected by these traumas yourself.

These stresses accumulate and show themselves in therapists through emotional and physical exhaustion, anxiety and depression, apathy toward clients, feelings of distance from loved ones, absence from work and feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of others’ needs — to the extent that some clinicians get lax about their service, may make ill-advised decisions or leave the field. To me, these are ethical issues as well. It would be equivalent to being an impaired professional. There was a time when I needed to step back from my practice, so I could again find my balance.

Therapists, teachers, and clergy have a sacred bond of trust with those they serve. I am in all three categories, since I also teach adults and children and I am an interfaith minister. I don’t take those roles and the responsibilities they entail for granted. People come to us at some of the most vulnerable times in their lives, at the loss of loved ones, illness, financial crises, unemployment, and after experiencing trauma. They want to believe that we will create a safe container for them to unpack their emotional baggage. Some they have been carrying for decades, some newly arrived with a ferocity that knocks the stuffing out of them and has them wondering if they will ever stand again. I am in awe of the resilience they embody as well as the vulnerability they are willing to expose in our presence.

Trigger warning: That is part of what appalls me about the recent revelations of widespread clergy abuse in my home state of Pennsylvania. Those who were assaulted, and their families faced and continue to face betrayal by those they were told they could trust. Like most predators, they groomed their victims by befriending them and their families who believed these men were above reproach because of their status in the church. Their actions not only caused physical and emotional damage, but a spiritual rift. It is difficult for some to experience a demarcation between their faith and those who are stand-ins for the divine. I wonder if clergy are expected to take ethics trainings. What also puzzles me is those who covered it up would be considered mandated reporters. They are in breach of both moral and civil laws. Wondering if there are repercussions for not revealing identities of abusers.

It is essential that we hold ourselves and our colleagues to impeccably high standards and treat those we serve the way we would want to be cared for or would want those we love to be cared for.

Establishing and maintain a moral compass seems like a necessary therapeutic skill.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/therapeutic-ethics-a-sacred-bond-of-trust/

Laptops & Smartphones May be Hurting Your Ability to Learn in Class

I find it odd that society seems to embrace technology first, and asks questions later.

We only conduct psychological research on technology’s impact on our daily lives long after we’ve adopted our behaviors and habits to its use. No matter, even if that use may negatively affect our relationships, social interactions, and even our ability to learn and retain knowledge in the long-term.

We just assume something that makes it easier to take notes in the classroom, for instance, would make learning easier.

But over the past two decades, research is showing that our relationship with technology is far more complex and nuanced. It’s not as simple as, “Technology, in all forms and whatever default settings, is good.”

Here’s why using your laptop or smartphone while in class may not be such a good idea after all.

There are both benefits and drawbacks when students use technology in the classroom. For instance, in a study conducted in 2010, researchers found no benefits to social media use in the classroom while a 2011 study on virtual worlds found them beneficial to children with autism to help them with their social skills. Technology can also be helpful to teachers, identifying students who may need personalized learning attention.

Surprisingly, you don’t even have to interact with technology to experience its deleterious effects. A 2017 study found that the mere presence of your smartphone when you’re trying to learn something can impact your cognitive abilities and memory (Ward et al., 2017). Even sitting on your desk face-down, or in your purse or pocket, your smartphone can still be a cognitive distraction.

One of the researchers suggested the reason for this finding, “Your conscious mind isn’t thinking about your smartphone, but that process — the process of requiring yourself to not think about something — uses up some of your limited cognitive resources. It’s a brain drain.”

That’s the real challenge of technology — how to make our interactions with it be a brain enhancer and not a brain drain.

A more recent study, published earlier this summer, found similar concerns regarding laptop use in the classroom (Glass & Kang, 2018). There, the researchers found “following the lessons in which cell phones and laptops were allowed, performance was poorer on the unit exam and final exam questions. This finding demonstrates for the first time that the main effect of divided attention in the classroom is not an immediate effect of selection or switching on comprehension but a long-term effect of divided attention on retention.”

In short, you may not notice any impact from using your laptop or smartphone while in class. In fact, the researchers tested the students during each class on short-term memory recollection and found no differences between those who use technology and those who don’t. But when it comes time to test your overall knowledge and comprehension of the material during mid-terms or finals, the deficit appears to catch up with you.

The Problems with Technology in the Classroom

Then the researchers discovered something even more profound — and disturbing:

Furthermore, when the use of electronic devices was allowed in class, performance on the unit exams and final exams was poorer for students who did not use electronic devices during the class as well as for the students who did use an electronic device.

Even those students who refrained from using their laptop while in class to take notes (or skim social media) suffered. It appears that just the mere presence of the devices make it harder for other students in the class to also learn. This is likely because technology in this context acts as much as a distraction as it does a learning aid:

It meant that for the few students who tried to direct attention to the instructor there was distracting activity on both sides and in front of them. The instructor often noticed two students giggling as they together viewed an image on a laptop. It seemed that such behaviour would be distracting to individuals around them.

Sure, a laptop is a great and fast way to take notes. As long as that’s all anyone is ever doing on their laptop during class.

But the reality is that many students are doing a half-dozen activities on their laptop while taking notes. Those other activities not only negatively impact that student’s own learning ability, but of those around them as well.

Divided Attention is at Fault

Divided attention has a distinct and measurable cost in the classroom. There are three reasons that research has identified for the costs of divided attention. According to the researchers:

The first effect is the selection effect. For example, when more than one person is speaking, while listening to one person speak a listener hears nothing of what the other speaker is saying.

The second effect is the switching effect. When two tasks are being performed, there is a switching time between tasks when neither task is being performed. Both selection and switching immediately degrade performance on at least one, and usually both tasks, causing an immediate effect of divided attention.

However, there is a third, delayed effect of divided attention on retention. When attention is divided between two tasks, fewer targets of a study task are subsequently remembered. Even when there is little or no selection or switching effect, divided attention reduces retention of the targets for both tasks.

In short, divided attention is bad for learning. It is the exact opposite thing you want when trying to learn a new idea, theory, fact, or skill. The more divided your attention, the less likely you are to retain the thing it is you’re trying to learn.

Putting it Into Practice

The reality is that most universities and professors are not going to suddenly stop banning laptops in class. They have become an integral part of many the way students and teachers perform in the classroom. The train has already left this particular station a long time ago.

One strategy for increasing learning while decreasing being distracted while in class includes ditching the laptop in favor of paper and pencil note-taking, and locking up your smartphone in your pocket, backpack, or purse. This eliminates one of the primary sources of distraction plaguing students today — self-distraction.¹ This may be something that you need to do in increments, to get comfortable with over time. You’d be building a new habit, moving from automatically checking your phone every five minutes or when you see a new notification pop up, to checking your phone strictly in-between classes.

Another strategy to try is to strategically find a seat in the classroom that keeps your being distracted by the behavior of others to a minimum. Maybe that means sitting closer to the front of the room than you normally would be comfortable doing. Maybe it means finding a section of other paper-and-pencil note-takers and sitting there, which will eliminate the distraction of seeing other people’s laptop activities.

If you feel you must use a laptop while in class, for whatever reason, consider using a social media blocker. Such blocking software allows you to schedule blocks of time throughout the day to be social media-free (e.g., during class). Two such popular programs include Cold Turkey (both Windows and MacOS) and FocusMe (for all platforms, even mobile). While not a perfect solution, using one of these services will likely help you cut down on your distractions while taking notes.

Don’t have the money for media blocking software? Why not just disconnect from the wifi access point while in class? No wifi, no access to the Internet, which equals fewer distractions while taking notes.

Remember, the power and responsibility of staying focused on a task is in your hands. It is a skill you can learn and hone over time where you are no longer a victim of notifications and distractions.

You may find it difficult at first (since it has become such an integrated part of our lives virtually overnight), but with time and practice, you can put these strategies into use to become a person who is living more in-the-moment and who experiences the benefits of fully focusing your attention. Good luck!

 

References

Adrian F. Ward, Kristen Duke, Ayelet Gneezy, & Maarten W. Bos. (2017). Brain Drain: The Mere Presence of One’s Own Smartphone Reduces Available Cognitive Capacity. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research 2, 2, 140-154.

Glass, Arnold L. & Kang, M. (2018). Dividing attention in the classroom reduces exam performance. Educational Psychology, 1-14. doi: 10.1080/01443410.2018.1489046

Footnotes:

1. Let me assure you that your life will not end just because you haven’t checked your social media feed for 50 minutes. In fact, you’ll likely find it improves the quality of your life in general. When we use the phone as a tool rather than as our master, it can act as an enhancement to your life, instead of your feeling like you’re tied or beholden to it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/laptops-smartphones-may-be-hurting-your-ability-to-learn-in-class/