Out beyond the shadows of our old thinking, a wholly different world appears. A world that delights in our explorations, our need to join with others. A world that welcomes and supports our endeavors. The world knows how to change and grow. ~ Margaret J. Wheatley & Myron Kellner-Rogers, A Simpler Way
We love epic stories, those invoking the heroic journey. We resonate and identify with larger-than-life characters, not simply because we are fascinated with their exploits, but because we are drawn to the archetypal qualities they represent. And that allows us to tap into the inner resources we can discover in our own inner treasure chest:
The very names of our cultural heroes serve as mantras for what we value. Pause for a moment to feel what each of these names stirs within you:
Our proven heroes transcend the banal and live on purpose, giving themselves to the greater good in their field, just as we would. But what happens when we’re stuck on the hamster wheel of day-to-day to-do lists, or caught up in our own problems and unable to zoom out and see the big picture?
We know all too well what it’s like to become a smaller person, preoccupied with petty grievances and repeating the same emotional patterns, while expecting someone or something to rescue us from ourselves. Neuropsychology research shows that our brains are wired to tell the same old story about life situations, triggering the same coping mechanisms, no matter how dysfunctional. Yet as Einstein pointed out, “Problems cannot be solved by the same consciousness that created them.”
How do we move from just coping with the current landscape of our lives to self-transcending horizons? Every life has its own personal mythic structure. Behind every life story are the histories, tragedies, comedies, and mythologies of humanity itself. We serve the bigger story whenever the literal sequence takes on a larger theme.
Here’s what happens when you assume authorship, unfold your own myth (Rumi), and recast the plot lines into larger archetypal meanings:
Our deeper sense of self is inclusive of meaningful symbols, sacred histories, and archetypes; everything that makes human consciousness rich, rather than impoverished and vacuous. Therefore, we can reprogram old histories and plotlines as we re-tell the story with creative possibilities, themes, and forms of self-mastery.
How did Cassius Clay become Muhammad Ali? How did Robert Zimmerman become Bob Dylan? Siddhartha Gautama become the Buddha? Therese Martin become Saint Therese of Lisieux? By living in a bigger story.
The description of who we are, what we are, and why we are is not summarized by an aimless chronology of events. Those events are dramatic masks for the archetypal ideas, perspectives, larger purposes, and myths that form the foundation for the bigger story of the soul’s journey.
It’s up to each of us to listen deeply and dignify the sequence of events with archetypal significance, which expands our identity. To find entry points to your own bigger story:
Your bigger story won’t necessarily be featured on the big screen, or make the Newsweek list of “100 People Who Shaped Our World.” Yet it will shape you and whenever you are ‘all in’ as a bigger person, it changes everything.
Understandably, you’re devastated. After all, you failed.
But failure doesn’t have to be a demoralizing letdown, a crushing catastrophe or a window into some bleak future. Because failure is what we make of it.
According to psychologist Ryan Howes, Ph.D, “Depending on our perspective, failure is a painful roadblock or a tantalizing challenge to push and grow.”
For instance, consider these very different reactions: One of Howes’s clients applied for a better job with another company. When the company didn’t offer an interview, the client said: “See? I won’t ever be able to leave. I guess I need to make peace with this soul-sucking job.”
Another client wanted to try online dating, so she set up a profile and went on numerous dates. She said: “I know a good fit is out there somewhere. With every date I learn more about men and more about myself. It’s just a matter of time.” And it was. She ended up meeting someone and building a strong relationship.
Howes likes the approach personal trainers take with failure: They see failure as the goal. “When you’re lifting heavy weights, the goal is to push to the point where you can’t lift any more, which they call the point of “failure” … And maybe next time that point will be 5 lbs. heavier. In physical training, failure is something to work toward because it benefits you, not something to avoid.”
Below, Howes shared how we can recover from failure.
Acknowledge the hurt.
“Failures, whether big or small, can hurt a whole lot,” said Howes, who practices in Pasadena, Calif., and pens the blog In Therapy. That’s why it’s important to acknowledge how you’re feeling — instead of ignoring your pain or numbing it with unhealthy distractions, he said.
“The fact that it hurts shows that you care, that the outcome matters to you, and this in itself says a lot about you.”
Review what happened.
Learn everything you can about the situation and your response, so you’re prepared next time, Howes said. He shared these examples: You’re just getting over a “failed” relationship. You think through how your relationship started and the early warning signs. For instance, when you got together, your ex was actually seeing someone. You both clicked, so it seemed like a good decision. But when he cheated on you, “you get to learn something — that clicking isn’t everything.”
Or you lost your job because you were underperforming. When you review what happened, you realize that you weren’t even interested in the work and it didn’t tap into your skills. At the time, you took the job because you needed the money (making it the best decision then). “But now you can learn that money isn’t enough—you have to be interested and feel like your skills are utilized in order to perform well at work,” Howes said.
Get perspective.
Howes helps his clients realize that their failure “was a bump in the road, a chapter to learn from, a step in the growing and learning process.” When clients still have a hard time and keep ruminating about their regret, he suggests this saying: “I made the best decision with the information I had at the time.” Because you wouldn’t pick something you knew was the worst option, he said.
The difference is that today you have new information, which colors your past decision. As Howes said, you thought you wanted to marry a carefree partier, but now you realize that you’d be a better fit with someone who’s stable and reliable. Or you thought you’d enjoy the career your parents envisioned for you, but you realize that your dream job is totally different.
Reach out.
When we’ve failed, often our first instinct is to isolate ourselves. “We feel ashamed that we failed and we don’t want anyone to know about it,” Howes said. However, reaching out is actually one of the best ways we can navigate regret.
For instance, you might talk to others about whether they’ve failed. Howes suggested speaking to the most successful people in your field. “You’re bound to hear them tell you story after story of the many times they failed on the way to their success.”
When we fail, many of us assume that our “failure” is clear-cut proof of our character flaws and unworthiness. For instance, you might think that buying a house at the wrong time means you’re horrible with money; marrying an abuser means there’s something wrong with you; or making a parental mistake means you’re a bad parent, Howes said.
But really failure is “an attempt that fell short,” he said. “The issue is not that we’ve fallen short, but the judgment we place on it.”
When navigating failure effectively, the key is to have a growth mindset (versus a fixed mindset), a concept pioneered by researcher Carol Dweck. As she tells Howes in this interview on the Psychotherapy Networker:
When you’re in what I call a fixed mindset, your goal in life is to prove you’re a smart, competent, worthwhile person and avoid doing things that could undermine that image of yourself. In the growth mindset, you believe these abilities and talents can always be developed, so you’re not on the spot every second to prove yourself, and you can focus on developing those abilities through taking on challenges and seeing them through. You can be more resilient from setbacks because they don’t define who you are. In other words, the fixed mindset is the idea that you have a fixed amount of intelligence, ability, or talent, and the growth mindset is the idea that you can always develop these abilities and talents.
So the next time you “fail,” acknowledge the pain you’re feeling, because failure does hurt on many levels. Sit with your pain. And after you’ve processed your emotions, consider how you can grow. Because your growth isn’t finite. There’s always more (and more) room to learn, discover and evolve.
Weightlifter photo available from Shutterstock
When built over time, stress can give rise to a host of serious problems such as depression and anxiety. Managing stress in its early stages can help maximize the college/university experience and opportunities for students.
There are three kinds of common stress triggers students experience:
Practical stress management can help students deal with their worries and become more productive, competent and efficient. Here are a few tips for managing stress:
A general rule of thumb is to moderate your workload and avoid taking on too much. Following the tips above can ensure you find and maintain a good balance in your academic life. If normal management tips do not help, seek advice from your university’s student support services or other professionals.
References
Lewis, J. & Webster, A. (2014). Sort Your Brain Out: Boost Your Performance, Manage Stress and Achieve More. Capstone.
Macan, T. H., Shahani, C., Dipboye, R. L. & Phillips, A. P. (1990). College Students’ Time Management: Correlations With Academic Performance and Stress. Journal of Educational Psychology, 82(4), pp. 760-768.
Sinha, A. (2014). Stress vs Academic Performance. SCMS Journal of Indian Management, 11(4), p. 46.
Thompson, A. & Gaudreau, P. (2008). From Optimism and Pessimism to Coping: The Mediating Role of Academic Motivation. International Journal of Stress Management, 15(3), pp. 269-288.
Stressed student photo available from Shutterstock
In the book, I focus mostly on what we can do, ourselves, to change our habits. But it’s very obvious that each of us can have a lot of influence on other people’s habits. And often we really, really, really want to help someone else to change a key habit.
So, if you want to help someone else to change an important habit (and I’ve certainly tried to do this myself, many times, in my loving habits-bully way), here are a few top strategies to try:
You might be thinking, “Well, the problem with these ideas is that I have to do something.” That’s right. Sometime we have to make an effort ourselves, to help someone else change a habit. And even if you think that these steps aren’t “your job” — but we can always choose to do something out of love, to help someone else.
Have you found a way to help someone else change a habit? We can all learn from each other.
“Sure we can Darling, would you like to?”
“uh-huh”
“OK, close your eyes, and settle down into your bed and take your attention down to your feet.
Feel from the inside where your feet are in the bed, where they are touching the sheet and silently thank your feet for walking you around all day. They have worked hard for you today to get you where you wanted to go.
Now bring your attention up to your legs. Feel from the inside where they are heaviest as you sink gratefully into the bed like a floppy rag doll. Silently thank your legs for holding up your body all day, helping you walk and run and do cartwheels on the grass. They have worked hard today and they need to have a rest now.
Now bring your attention to your tummy and chest. All your organs are in there – your stomach and intestines that have helped you digest your food, your lungs that have helped you breathe, your heart that has been pumping blood all around your body……Silently thank all your organs in your tummy and chest for doing all of that for you today.
Now see if you can get a feeling of your arms are resting in the bed. Are they heavy against the sheets? They have been very busy today lifting and carrying things, dancing and waving about and helping you have fun. Silently thank your arms and let them settle down into the bed for a rest
See if you can feel where your hands are resting. Boy those hands of yours need a big thank you for doing so much to help you today. They have been writing and drawing, picking things up and playing, using the computer and pointing which way to go. Silently thank your hands and let them have a lovely long break.
Finally, as you really let your body go and drift off to sleep, feel how heavy your head is against the pillow and silently send it a big thank you for all the thinking, smelling, hearing, looking and tasting it has done for you today.
Send a soft and gentle smile of thanks to your wonderful body and have a beautiful sleep my darling girls.”
Child’s room photo available from Shutterstock
