Wednesday, 2 March 2016

How I Used Radical Acceptance

happyI’ve lived with schizophrenia for almost ten years now and throughout that time the one thing that has hounded through recovery and otherwise is the paranoia that people were making fun of me. It has been a constant fear that causes me to freak out, sometimes at the most inopportune times and it’s been a major catalyst in my recovery and for a lot of the things I do.

The problem is that I was living under that fear, I was constantly afraid of people doing or saying something negative about me that I acted in a way, down to my body language in a way that I thought would please them the most.

This is no way to live.

I was afraid that people would make fun of me so I stressed myself out to the point of damage to fit other’s conception of me.

It didn’t matter to hear the words “People are only thinking about themselves” or “You’re not that important” or “People don’t care.” While I now realize all these things are true I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone hated me, that they were all making fun of me and I tortured myself because of it.

That is until a therapist gave me words that didn’t register until a few months down the line, when I was no longer in her care.

Those words were the most transformative words I had ever heard but it took me getting to a point of absolute frustration for me to give them a try, and once I embodied those words things changed literally overnight.

She said, “It’s ok, just accept it.” By that she meant the fears that I had for myself that I was projecting onto everyone else.

I can remember just sitting on my porch thinking and I broke and said, “I accept that everyone’s making fun of me.” What followed was the deepest most therapeutic breath I had ever taken.

While the notion may not have been true, it meant that I didn’t have to fight it anymore and that people are out of my control. I can’t do or say anything in exactly the right way for them to like me and if they really are making fun of me, that’s on them.

I repeated that mantra for days afterward until I felt a feeling of security I hadn’t felt in years.

I was trapped in a jail of my own making and trying everything I could to fight it, but it turned out that not fighting it was the single greatest way to combat it.

I have taken the idea of acceptance to most things that bother me now and it’s proven to be a simple, stress-relieving way of dealing with things that are out of my control. It’s the biggest thing that has helped me on my journey to recovery and I’m pretty sure it can help you too.

If you have something you’re fighting against, with every breath, try becoming friends with it and accepting it.

The fight is the hardest part and once you realize you don’t have to fight your world will be changed.

That’s just my two cents. It worked for me, if you’re afraid of something it might work for you too.



from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/02/how-i-used-radical-acceptance/

3 Tips for Making Phone Conversations Less Awkward

make phone calls less awkwardLet’s be honest, nobody likes talking on the phone these days. At least, nobody in my generation (the infamous Millennial generation) likes it.

One of my good friends — a young woman who’s usually warm and social — greets anyone who tries to leave her a voicemail with the following message: “Don’t bother leaving a message here because I won’t listen to it. Just text or email me. Death to phone calls!”

Hyperbolic voicemail messages aside, many people have a deep negative sentiment toward talking on the phone. I’ve asked both friends and clients how they feel about keeping in contact with people over the phone. The consensus is that calls make us feel anxious, annoyed, and often disappointed in the lack of meaningful conversation that’s possible over the phone.

And it’s not just strangers or acquaintances that we dread talking to on the phone. It seems that calls from those we know and love are some of the most unsatisfying calls of all.

What is it about phone calls that makes young people recoil? There is, of course, the obvious reason: Millennials grew up on asynchronous forms of communication, like text and email, making real-time conversation stressful. The pressure to actually make conversation is clearly felt over the phone.

But I don’t think this accounts for the whole anti-call phenomenon, as many of those same people who say they hate phone calls say they love in-person interaction. In-person interaction requires making conversation too, right? So what’s the difference?

Somehow, it seems to be the medium of the phone call itself that’s just… awkward. Even when speaking with people we feel totally comfortable with in person, the phone call format makes everything feel more stilted, more forced, and often more shallow.

Is it time to give up on the phone call altogether? I would argue that it’s not. The phone call has continuing relevance for one simple reason: it’s still the best way to maintain relationships across physical distances.

If you’ve moved across the country from your family, you need to be willing to chat on the phone from time to time. If your grandparents are no longer physically able to meet up with you, it’s necessary to be available by phone if you want to maintain a relationship with them.

You may never be in love with phone calls, but the 3 tips below will help make yours more comfortable, meaningful, and enjoyable.

  1. Ask questions.

The simplest and easiest way to make conversations better — in general, but especially over the phone — is to start asking questions. Questions improve the flow of conversation, show the other person you’re interested in what they have to say, and allow you to focus in on the parts of the conversation you’re truly curious about.

Let’s say your brother tells you he’s thinking of selling his house. Instead of responding with a stilted “that’s cool,” attempt to hone in on what aspect of this fact you’re curious about. How did he decide to sell it? What is he hoping to gain from selling it? These are the questions that will make the conversation interesting.

  1. Devote less time to niceties and happenings.

When talking on the phone, almost all of us fall into the trap of discussing niceties and happenings, like what we did today, what we’re thinking of doing this weekend, and what we’re working on at the office. It’s common for two people to spend their entire conversation discussing these trivialities and walk away feeling like they didn’t connect with each other at all.

Instead, try to spend no more than 50% of the conversation on the recounting of these everyday happenings. This will free up time and energy for Tip #3, which is the heart and soul of satisfying conversations.

  1. Draw understanding about the other person’s inner life.

This tip may sound daunting at first, but it’s shockingly simple in practice. The goal is simply to connect the other person’s happenings — the “what-did-you-do-todays” — with how that person feels about what they’re doing.

For example, let’s say your sister tells you she’s spent the last few days working on an article for publication. Instead of asking “When is the article due?” or “Where is it being published?” ask, “Do you enjoy writing articles?” or “What are your favorite things to write about?”

Do you see the difference between “When is the article due?” and “Do you enjoy writing articles?” The first question is about the article. The second question is about her.

Asking questions about the other person’s feelings, perspectives, and subjective experiences move you beyond just knowing about her day. They help you know about her inner life. They help you know her.

Red phone photo available from Shutterstock



from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/02/3-tips-for-making-phone-conversations-less-awkward/

Pictures of the day: 2nd March 2016

A sand gazelle among dunes, Scott Kelly and Super Trump Tuesday








from Pictures of the day latest photographs from around the world http://telegraph.feedsportal.com/c/32726/f/568536/s/4df9ae3d/sc/7/l/0L0Stelegraph0O0Cnews0Cpicturegalleries0Cpicturesoftheday0C12180A4630CPictures0Eof0Ethe0Eday0E2nd0EMarch0E20A160Bhtml/story01.htm

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

How to Get Comfortable with Change & Fear of the Unknown in Your Career

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 6.35.16 PMIt’s natural to desire a clear direction and sense of control in our careers. After all, the unknown can be intimidating, especially when it comes to your professional future.

But while it’s certainly comforting to have specific instructions provided at work, a fixation on structure and a constant need for direction can limit your potential. Fear of the unknown can prevent you from taking risks that could elevate your success, such as pitching an innovative idea for a new project or starting your own business. Staying in your comfort zone doesn’t allow for professional growth and keeps you playing small in both your career and life.

Because the career-success trajectory rarely resembles a linear path, honing your ability to thrive within ambiguous circumstances is vital. Learning to not only navigate, but to also capitalize on the less clear-cut instructions and job responsibilities helps you become resilient. By building a tolerance for ambiguity, you can perfect the art of taking calculated risks that will assist you in adapting to ever-changing work environments, give you confidence in your decision-making ability, and render you more impervious to criticism.

Here are three things that’ll lead to greater tolerance when it comes to those ambiguous work issues.

1. Make Small Bets

One way to manage the daunting scale of the unknown is to break down risks into a series of experiments or small bets. Basically, you want to test the water before you jump in.

If you are considering starting your own company, for example, a small bet might be keeping your day job, while pursing a side gig on nights and weekends. Do this, and you’re effectively managing your risk by measuring the success and sustainability of your new venture while maintaining a regular source of income with your full-time position.

Another way to understand this concept is through iteration, which is just a fancy way of saying you’re adapting, building, or expanding upon an idea. The goal is to test theories quickly and rigorously, evaluate the outcomes, and then evolve, pivot, or scrap it. Not every idea is inspired and deserves comprehensive pursuit.

If you are in charge of product design for your company, for example, iteration helps you sort through the good ideas, weed out the bad ones, and foster the spectacular ones. The same is true for marketing techniques; sometimes, the campaign you develop is a complete flop, but the important thing is that you learn from the experience and incorporate your newly acquired knowledge into future projects.

By trying out ideas on a smaller scale, you provide yourself the chance to evaluate how risky an idea is while simultaneously minimizing any potential negative impact in the event that it doesn’t work.

2. Avoid Overreliance on Plans

Ambiguous circumstances can be particularly scary for people who crave structure. And, it’s true that organization can lead to efficiency, but it’s also possible to over-optimize and become too dependent on the plans you’ve made and the system you abide by.

When you make long-term career plans, you should be flexible enough to review, adapt, and change them as necessary. If you’re too rigid, you’re probably going to have a problem dealing with the random stuff you have no control over. For those with a Type A personality, crafting a five-year career plan seems methodical and logical, but it can provide a false sense of comfort and harm more than help.

Things change, and the goals you’ve set yourself may not be achieved on the timeline you had hoped, or in the way you imagined. For example, maybe you accept a job with the promise of leading a new division that’s set to launch in six months. But after one year there’s still no progress. If you’re too rigidly fixated on your five-year plan, you may continue to wait (and wait) for a promotion that ultimately never materializes, sacrificing years of your career and earning potential in the process. Instead, an uncertainty surfer would be willing to roll with the punches and adapt, perhaps agreeing to move to a different department in the company that offers more upward advancement or make the leap to a new company that will allow you to achieve your professional goals.

If you rely on one firm plan, and have your sights set firmly on that, you’ll undoubtedly miss opportunities that arise along the way just because they don’t fit your career scheme. You may be working in a client-relations department when an associate at another company recognizes your talents for event planning and offers you a related role. Although it may not align with what you envisioned for your next job, if the position offers an opportunity for growth along with a great salary and a positive work environment, it’d be shortsighted not to at least consider it.

3. Embrace the Inevitable

One of the scariest things about accepting workplace ambiguity is the inability to plan for the unexpected. And yet in life, things rarely go exactly as we think they will. It’s impossible to anticipate when someone’s going to call in sick or when your supervisor’s going to spring a surprise on you. You can really only plan for the fact that unpredictable things are going to happen.

When the unpredictable things aren’t good, they, nonetheless, don’t need to be crippling. By practicing negative visualization, an ancient psychological process intended to help you avoid emotional instability during stressful situations, you can learn to effectively manage your emotions when things do go south. Imagining negative possible outcomes (think worse-case scenarios) before they happen will enable you anticipate and navigate setbacks. If you fear getting fired, consider how you might react if this were to happen. What would you say? What would you do next? You’d likely formulate a plan that involves polishing your resume and using your network to secure interviews — a far cry from ending up broke and homeless, a dramatic worst-case scenario.

The process works because it’ll empower you to assess circumstances rationally rather than reactively, thereby avoiding career-damaging hasty decisions. You’ll often find that the “worst” you prepared for doesn’t come close to representing the reality of the situation.

Whether your supervisor has started asking you to completely manage your quarterly projects or you’re keen on laying the groundwork for a brand new initiative, building a tolerance for ambiguity is a necessary job skill. The ability to work through assignments without supervision or explicit direction is an indispensable professional strength, and you can’t survive a changing workplace without it.

 

Get the FREE toolkit thousands of people use to better describe & manage their emotions at melodywilding.com.

 



from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/01/how-to-get-comfortable-with-change-fear-of-the-unknown-in-your-career/

Are You Wasting Your Time Feeding Negativity?

wasting time feeding negativityThere is a parable commonly attributed to the Native American Cherokee tribe which says that virtue and vice fight for supremacy inside us all time.

A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery, and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred, and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second. Then the boy asks, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies, “The one you feed.”

This version of the parable is adapted from the podcast aptly named “The One You Feed.”

Each of us has something about ourselves we wish wasn’t true. I don’t mean that time you tripped in front of your middle school crush. I mean, qualities and behaviors that you know are hurtful to yourself and others: Anger, pride, jealousy, cynicism, retaliation, resentment, violence, impatience, selfishness, etc. We come by these vices in many ways, but while there are a million excuses, there is no excuse for treating the ones we love poorly. We try to do better, but old habits die hard.

Maybe the best way to cut ties with these vices is to stop feeding them.

Have you ever heard the saying “You get what you give”? The attitude you put out into the world often comes back to you. This is one way that negativity is fed.

For instance, you act out in pride or anger and you hurt someone else. Often what they send back to you is negative: defensiveness, disappointment, dismay, etc. The cycle of negativity continues. It creates a negative atmosphere around you. You get so used to this environment that you forget this isn’t the only way to live. There are people out there who aren’t surrounded by misery.

How do you surround yourself with positive energy? There’s always something to be grateful for, even if it’s simply the fact that the sun came out today. Hold onto that gratitude and share it with others. Your example helps them to find that same appreciation in their own life.

Optimism isn’t easy to come by. We get worn down by stress and soon we’re not operating as our ideal self — we’re just trying to get through the day.

But perspective is easy to come by. It’s not just that life could be worse — it’s that life might never have been.

A human is an unlikely thing. After 4.5 billion years, a rocky, wet planet is inhabited by a bunch of busy people. The universe itself doesn’t even notice this. It keeps making stars out of clouds of dust and ionized gases. Those stars keep dying. Their planets and other satellites keep orbiting. All of space keeps spreading out further and further away for no reason, as far as we humans know. And it doesn’t quite matter since the longest human lifetime is a blip to a 13.8 billion year old universe.

Given all that, are your faults really that huge? Do the ways in which you’ve been wronged or slighted in this life really compare?

Today you had a really great cup of coffee. You made your friend laugh. You called your mom. You thrilled your dog with a tennis ball. You can’t move mountains, but you can make a difference to others. Recognizing and utilizing your strengths helps you keep your atmosphere positive. It also feeds the good wolf.

Which wolf do you feed?

Wolf photo available from Shutterstock



from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/01/are-you-wasting-your-time-feeding-negativity/

Best of Our Blogs: March 1, 2016

Karen super girl in the mirror. Karen looks in the mirror. She sThink about someone who really annoys you. Maybe it’s your neighbor that can’t stop talking about himself, your judgmental mother or insensitive co-worker. You can’t stand them. But there’s something valuable about their presence in your life.

Instead of just writing them off, take note of those individuals that annoy you. They may be the key to a greater understanding of the neglected parts of yourself.

Perhaps a selfish friend is a reminder that you need to focus on self-care or someone who doesn’t have empathy is a reminder that you need to have more compassion for yourself.

If you use people as mirrors, you will eventually loosen the hold these people have on you. Whether or not you decide to keep him or her in your life, viewing them this way will have a transformative affect on how you see others and yourself.

How Childhood Emotional Neglect Makes Adult Life Feel Meaningless
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – You struggle with finding meaning in your life. Could this explain why?

The Psychology of a Hug
(Psychoanalysis Now) – There’s one thing you can do to prevent illness during cold and flu season and minimize symptoms of mental illness like depression. Read the benefits of hugging here.

Confessions of an Ex-Narcissist
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – Growing up with a narcissistic parent teaches you a lot of things. As Lenora shares, it taught her how to become a narcissist and how to have empathy for one.

Where Does Personality End and Bipolar Disorder Begin?
(Bipolar Laid Bare) – In this post, LaRae asks and attempts to answer the following question: “Is your bad attitude due to your symptoms or are you just a jerk?”

Beyond Weight and Thinness: Exploring What You Really Want
(Weightless) – Did you ever pause to wonder why you obsess over your weight? Instead of waiting for life to happen when you’re thin, reclaim your life by reflecting on what you want and deserve right now.



from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/01/best-of-our-blogs-march-1-2016/

Pictures of the day: 1st March 2016

Today: A colourful sunset, Boris has a smashing time and Michelangelo's David








from Pictures of the day latest photographs from around the world http://telegraph.feedsportal.com/c/32726/f/568536/s/4df2dca2/sc/13/l/0L0Stelegraph0O0Cnews0Cpicturegalleries0Cpicturesoftheday0C1217880A70CPictures0Eof0Ethe0Eday0E1st0EMarch0E20A160Bhtml/story01.htm