6 Reasons Why I Hate My Therapist

Editor’s Note: This is intended to be a humorous piece.

So just when you are getting sick and tired of all those people giving you heartache for no apparent reason at all, you decide to shoot yourself in the head and find yourself a therapist so that he can give you more heartache than all the people put together.

But there is one big difference between now and then: Earlier you were getting your heartache for free. This time you are paying for it.

Your therapist might be an ultimate sweetheart. He might be the only reason you get up in the morning. He might be the one who melts you quicker than snow in June. He might make your heart soar the moment you open that door. He might make you unbearably happy and sad at the same time. He might be the thread your life is hanging by. Yet the fact is, your therapist might also be the most annoying person you will ever know.

So brace yourself if you are in therapy. You might love your therapist with all your heart, but you might hate him, too. And here are six reasons why this might be true:

1. Too profound or too insensitive?
One thing I will never understand about my therapist is whether he is too profound or too insensitive. I really want to know what’s going on with this guy. Is he being deep when he appears not to care about my moral dilemmas, or is he simply zoning out in the middle of my middle-age crisis? Is he nurturing me by ignoring my puppy dog longings or is he simply manifesting typical man behavior by not noticing anything at all?

2. He sits behind his boundaries.
When he is not angering you by being profound/deep/insensitive/typical man, he is doing something else altogether. The guy just sits behind his boundaries and watches you go nuts all around him.

Your heart might be ripping into one million shreds, your soul might be disintegrating into nothingness, yet all this man will ever do is sit there and watch! Say something. Do something. Just anything that is not sitting there and doing nothing!

3. He won’t crack a smile.
So here you are feeling all loving and chummy and full of the inner glow of therapeutic love. You want to reach out and bring a smile to his face because in your vivid therapist related fantasies your therapist can really do with some nurturing of his own. But since the therapist has those stupid boundaries that are seriously detrimental to the realization of your wild fantasies, the best thing you can do is crack a silly joke and watch him break into a big grin. So you say something funny and spontaneous and cute and witty and make a joke about the sexiness of your therapist’s inner god; but all you get from him in return is a poker face with a blank stare.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/27/6-reasons-why-i-hate-my-therapist/

How to Shift from Work Stress to Calm in 3 Seconds Flat

When you’re on the treadmill of workplace stress, it’s hard to exit the cycle of escalation. With deadlines to meet and bad bosses to appease, nothing you do seems good enough. It would be better if you didn’t work in that toxic job, but there’s always the specter of economic uncertainty haunting you, as well as the prospect of a long wait between jobs.

When you’re in a stuck place, the best resource you have is to harness your creativity to come up with a genius exit plan. For that you need a calm, clear mind. Enter the simple and easy three-second breathing technique to go from stressed to calm in three seconds flat.

When you get anxious, the central physiological response is one of overbreathing; which in turn increases oxygen levels in the brain. This overbreathing causes unpleasant physical sensations such as rapid heart rate and sweating.

In order to balance the oxygen levels in your brain and stop the anxiety from escalating, it’s essential to slow down your breathing. This can be done successfully by following these four simple steps:

1. Use the second hand of your watch to count to three seconds. Notice how long three seconds actually lasts. If you don’t have a second hand on your watch, simply count: “one thousand, two thousand, three thousand.”
2. While looking at your watch, breathe in for a count of three seconds.
3. Then breathe out for a count of three seconds.
4. Repeat this slow breathing for two minutes. Excuse yourself to visit the bathroom to practice this exercise if necessary.

By now your breathing will have slowed down and the oxygen levels in your brain will have been balanced.

Some important notes about this breathing technique: As with any new skill you learn, practice makes perfect. Although this technique seems simple, you must practice it at times when you are not feeling anxious. In this way, it will be easier for you to do when you really need it to lower your anxiety. Try practicing this technique two to three times a day over the next week.

Some breathing techniques involve complicated routines of breathing in the abdomen, stomach or lungs with varying times for each breath. Complications aren’t required in this breathing exercise. Just do whatever feels comfortable and right for you.

This breathing technique seems so simple, you could believe it won’t work, which isn’t the case. It’s taught at Sydney’s St. Vincent’s Hospital, one of the most prestigious anxiety clinics in Australia, because of its proven track record in lowering anxiety.

If you need a bit of extra help in calming your mind and enhancing your creativity, I recommend these five apps that I use myself on an almost daily basis. One of these apps gives you heaps more exercises to calm your mind and another can help to shift your mood instantly. The other three are essential to nurture your creativity — and two of them are free.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/27/how-to-shift-from-work-stress-to-calm-in-3-seconds-flat/

Why Narcissistic Parents Infantilize Their Adult Children

One trait that nearly all narcissistic parents have in common is the need to infantilize their children. This can be as direct as making the child feel incompetent every time they try something new, or it can be as subtle as always stepping in and offering to do something they can clearly do for themselves.

Unfortunately, this behavior rarely stops even after the child becomes an adult. In fact, it can sometimes become worse as the narcissistic parent fears their children’s growing independence and the end of their narcissistic supply.

The Collins Dictionary defines infantilization as “the act of prolonging an infantile state in a person by treating them as an infant.” In other words, deliberately treating someone as being much younger than their actual age.

Narcissistic parents do this because they see their child as an extension of themselves. If the child begins to realize this, the narcissistic parent will use guilt, control, fear and any other tactic they can think of to bring the child back into line. This is why many of them find the teenage years unbearable as their growing adolescent demands to be allowed more freedom and control over their own life — the very thing the narcissistic parent feels most threatened by.

In order to combat this threat, the narcissistic parent will undermine their children’s growing independence in a variety of ways. This can include anything from giving them the message that they lack the ability to handle things on their own to talking down to them as if they were still a toddler.

Here are some other tried-and-true ways narcissistic parents infantilize their adult children:

• Disapproval.
  This can take the form of looks that silently tell you you have failed in their eyes or it can be pointed questions regarding your lifestyle choices or other decisions you have made. Almost any decision you have made without consulting them first will be met with disapproval. They do this to try to get you into the habit of running everything past them first, thus reinforcing their belief that you are incapable of making your own decisions.
• Interference.
  Many narcissistic parents believe they have the right to interfere in their adult children’s private lives. This can take the form of telling you who you should date — or that you’re not allowed to date. At the extreme end of the spectrum, narcissistic parents have been known to deliberately sabotage their adult child’s relationships.
• Excessive criticism.
  Excessive criticism is designed to destroy your self-confidence. Many narcissistic mothers do this to their daughters under the guise of ‘being helpful.’ Hurtful comments regarding your weight, clothing, choice of career, choice of partner or your ability to be a good parent to your own children are all ripe subjects for the narcissist mother to show that she knows what’s best for you, implying that you don’t.

Being infantilized by a narcissistic parent may have been such an integral part of some people’s lives that they may not even realize until they reach adulthood just how much they are enmeshed with their parent.

So how can you make a narcissistic parent stop treating you like a child?

Set boundaries.

There is nothing a narcissist hates more than being stood up to, but until you start setting some healthy boundaries, they will continue to control your life. Don’t overshare details of your private life with them or tell them anything they can later use as ammunition against you.

Have a few handy phrases ready.

Memorize four or five phrases you can use for any given situation. When your narcissistic mother starts telling you that’s not how she would do it, simply say in a respectful, but firm tone: “You have your way of doing things, and I have mine. And neither of us is wrong.”

Other phrases could include:

• “Thanks, but I can manage.”
• “That may be your opinion, but I don’t have to agree with it.”
• “That’s my decision and I’m not prepared to discuss it with you.”

By closing the conversation down, you deny the narcissist the chance to gain control of the situation.

Walk away.

If all else fails, leave the room. There is no point in arguing with a narcissist. They will never see your point of view and will always insist on being right. However, if the situation has become so toxic that your mental and physical health is suffering because of it, you may want to ask yourself if it’s worth having them in your life.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/27/why-narcissistic-parents-infantilize-their-adult-children/

Getting to Know Your 3 Brains: Part Two

In Part 1 of this brain mini-series, I hoped to excite your desire to learn more about the brain. In this post, you will learn what you need to know to enhance your well-being.

To begin, think of yourself as having not just one brain but three brains:

1. your thinking brain;
2. your emotional brain;
3. your body brain.

Although they are all connected, they act and are very different. The thinking brain conjures your thoughts. The emotional brain is where emotions and impulses arise. The body brain causes changes in the body when emotions trigger. The body brain, therefore, controls changes in breathing, heart rate, muscular tension, stomach and gastrointestinal tension and so on. The job of the body brain is to ready our bodies for survival actions. You can see in the picture above how the body brain extends downward. It connects the brain to the whole body through the spinal cord.

Along with the three brains, we also have a Self. The Self is the core “you.” The Self is how you were born before the challenges of life shaped you for better and for worse. It is the part of you that, when fully accessed, says, “I feel like me!” People who have had excessive hardship may feel very disconnected from their Self. That is because the Self can hide if it feels threatened.

The Self notices what’s going on inside the mind and body, and frequently the two do not communicate. For example, the Self could say about the thinking brain, emotional brain and body brain respectively, “I am aware that I am thinking about what the weather will be tomorrow,” “I am aware that I am angry at my boss and I feel an impulse to call him names,” and “I am aware that I have butterflies in my stomach as I think about public speaking.” I strongly encourage you to practice using your Self to notice your thoughts, feelings, impulses and body sensations. The Self assimilates all the information to use for our greater good.

Why am I encouraging you to spend the emotional effort to notice what your three brains are doing? Because when the Self takes the time to notice what’s happening in three brains, change happens. The mere act of focusing attention on what you want to change, scientists theorize, causes brain cells to fire. Brain cells that fire, in turn, cause brain cells to rewire, leading to changes from small to transformational.

The Self can learn to question the three brains. Questioning leads to understanding, and understanding tells us what to do next to help ourselves. When the Self questions an emotion, it would ask, “What happened that just made me feel_________?” When it questions a thought, it would ask, “What made that worry-thought about ________________ (fill in the blank with a worry-thought) come up right now?” When it questions a physical sensation, it would ask, “What made my stomach tighten up now?” When we listen to the three brains, we have a better sense of what to do next. Building awareness, questioning, then working with what we learn always leads to growth and change.

Here is a simple metaphor to help illustrate how your three brains and your Self work together:

Picture an orchestra with three sections: horns, strings, and percussion. The sections correspond to the thinking brain, emotional brain, and body brain. Now add the conductor, who represents the Self.

The orchestra sounds much better when the conductor leads. Of course, the instruments can still play if the conductor is absent. The problem is that without the conductor, the instruments don’t play so well together because they are not coordinated. But when a maestro steps in, he or she creates the most beautiful and harmonious music. I want to help you all become maestros of your mind. As a maestro, you will have more power and control to help yourself and others during hard times.

To be a maestro, we need to be very familiar with the three brains. To start, our Self needs to learn to recognize the difference between a thought, a feeling, and a physical sensation. We work with each one differently. Then we must practice communicating effectively with the three brains. By befriending them and communicating with them in moments of distress, we can gain power and control to help ourselves. People who work with their three brains in this way feel more organized, and experience greater peace, calm and confidence.

In summary, awareness of the three brains allows us to work with them purposefully. When we are in touch simultaneously with thoughts, feelings and body sensations, it is easier to meet life’s challenges. When we know what we are feeling and can use our emotions and sensations the way nature intended, we function better and feel more vital, energized, and alive. All of us can, at any time in our life, learn to conduct the three brains with expertise pulling the best from them and showing them how to work together for our benefit.

Part 3 of this series will give you an actual experience of your three brains and your Self, making everything I have shared more obvious.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/27/getting-to-know-your-3-brains-part-two/

A Higher Power for Those Who Don’t Believe in a Higher Power

This article is not directed toward individuals who do not find themselves struggling to embrace a Higher Power of their understanding while working toward recovery. It is directed at those who may want to embrace something, yet cannot identify with what they are comfortable.

Several of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (and Narcotics Anonymous) involve a Higher Power, so one could imagine this being offputting to someone who does not identify one. It can be challenging to wrap your head around the steps if God or a Higher Power is not in your life.

Notice I said “challenging” and not “impossible.” Atheists and agnostics who have been clean for years can attribute their success to both AA and NA as well as a variety of other resources: rehab, individual therapy, a community of shared beliefs, to name a select few.

The following is an expansion of a conversation I had in session with a client who was struggling with the grip alcohol had on his life. He was reluctant to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and embrace the program, stating he cannot buy into the idea of “a bearded man in the sky.” My client identified himself as an atheist, stating he literally was a-theistic, not believing in a god, by anyone’s definition. He was having difficulty thinking about embracing their philosophy, and imagining feeling part of the AA community.

I asked him what his beliefs were, and he kind of playfully rolled his eyes and threw his head back, as if to silently ask me why we were even discussing this at all. I nudged him to humor me, asking if he believed in the theory of evolution. He said yes.

I wouldn’t let him off so easy, asking him to explain more of what that meant. He stated he believed there was a Big Bang, and the universe was created. Then, molecules huddled together in specific formations, eventually creating living beings. These beings evolved from simpler, single-celled life forms, into much more complex animals and plant life.

At this point, I interjected that he seemed to trust in the process of evolution, of things transitioning as they should: more complex, more interactive, more self-sufficient, more progressive, each new stage being an improvement on the former. He nodded.

So could it be safe to say, I asked him, that he believed in “smart biology,” that things seemed to evolve into better (smarter, stronger, more resilient) versions of themselves? He agreed.

And could it be fathomable, that biology, in its natural, unaltered state, would unfold as it should? Evolving, changing, improving?

Yes, he said.

Is it possible then, that evolution or biology was his Higher Power? That his body, in a natural state unaltered by alcohol, is as it should be, evolving and following the best natural course it could? Providing him the opportunity to be the healthiest it could possibly be, make choices from a place of clarity, respond to things from a place of emotional balance?

Hmm … maybe … Or maybe he could make Batman his Higher Power.

The last statement was said in jest, but the previous statements were thought-provoking for him.

Is it possible to use something other than God as a Higher Power? Why not? Some people use nature, or their ideal self. Many use the power of the group itself.

Something I’ve noticed as a therapist is the quantity of information out there to help people. It can get overwhelming. Sometimes you may even feel like telling everyone to keep their recommendations to themselves already.

I encourage my clients to find what works for them. Take the best, and leave the rest. Just so long as it’s providing you with solace, comfort, guidance, strength, or hope.

It doesn’t have to be an addiction, either. It could be depression, anxiety, grief, or trauma that leaves us feeling alone in the world.

Find your way. Allow yourself to find what works for you.

A good therapist will help you through it, if you choose to seek therapy. A good sponsor will as well.

Embrace the healthy changes, and whatever help there is out there for you. Take the leap to the new you. A trapeze artist has to completely let go of the bar as they leap through the air, arms outstretched to grasp the next one. A Higher Power of your understanding can be your net. Or the force behind your leap. Or even the bar you’re reaching for. Just know that if you keep swinging, it may be fun for a little while, but eventually, you will grow weary, no opportunity to rest or move forward, or you may fall.

Take a leap, either with your faith or with your actions, toward a new life.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/26/a-higher-power-for-those-who-dont-believe-in-a-higher-power/

Childhood Trauma: Overcoming the Hurt of Invalidation

“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.”
— Brene Brown

I talk about my childhood trauma because I lived in denial for most of my life. I write about it because I didn’t understand what happened, why it happened, what it meant. I couldn’t explain all these feelings of shame, depression, and disgust. As I grow to understand it better, I hope my writing can help other victims who feel lost and scour the internet for answers — for a childhood they can relate to.

“We can’t smooth over hurt feelings in our families,” Brene Brown writes. “It’s too easy for stockpiled hurt to turn into rage, resentment, and isolation. We must talk about it. Even when we don’t want to. Even when we’re tired.”

But talking about it means being prepared to meet with invalidation. Not everyone will support our journey to heal. They could outright deny that we were abused or traumatized. Some people just don’t want to believe that they live in a world where things like sexual abuse can happen. “That’s something that only happens on a TV movie.”

Invalidation can take many forms. People may tell say: Stop living in the past. Let bygones be bygones. Everyone had a bad childhood. Things could be worse.

The message here is that something is wrong with us for not being able to move past the traumatization. They might even imply that we should let it go and reconcile with the abuser. This minimizes the illegality and the affects of what happened to us.

When we’re being invalidated in this way, it’s important to remember that this person doesn’t have our best interest at heart. They’re not taking in what we’ve said — they are actively keeping it out of mind. In fact, they are probably coming from their own place of denial, where their deeply-held feelings have been invalidated in a similar way, according to Elisabeth Corey, a survivor of family-controlled child sexual abuse and trafficking. (She has some great steps to beating invalidation on her blog).

Corey says an invalidator is much like the voice in our heads that defends the abuser and makes us question our perception of what occurred. Gaslighting and self-doubt abound. It is the language of abuse, the very same used by abusers to control their victims.

I recently told a family member about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. They dismissed the subject, telling me they “would be overjoyed if the worst thing that ever happened” to them was the abuse I experienced. I lost a lot of sleep over this conversation and grappled with a mixture of anger and resentment for so long I was filled with depression and self-loathing.

Invalidation is triggering. It makes a white hot anger rise up inside. We want to defend ourselves the way we couldn’t when we were young. At the same time, we lean towards self-doubt because we’d all rather believe the abuse didn’t happen at all. Invalidation makes healing slow down and we feel like we don’t have a right to share our story anymore.

In the end, we can’t control other people (or the things they say). We can only control our behavior.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” — Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

There is a lot to be said for Taoism in trauma recovery. The Tao, or “the Way,” is the source and guiding principal of all reality. It’s the energy that ushers everything in the universe into and out of existence, over and over again. A main principal of Taoism is not to struggle against nature, instead we accept it and work with it, in harmony. We accept life — both good parts and bad. We don’t force anything — we go with the flow.

This concept is comforting because it allows us to put the focus on self and healing. That healing will take however long it takes and will include whatever it must encompass. We don’t have to fight, we don’t have to be vigilant, and we don’t have to be validated. We can just go with the natural flow and that is to heal and be self-compassionate. That flow got us this far.

Invalidation hurts and we have a right to that feeling. We shouldn’t deny our emotions. Just never forget that we are the sole authority of our own experience.

When met with invalidation remember the Tao: We can’t control others. We can only self-cultivate. No action is required. We don’t have to fight and defend ourselves. Simply let them be themselves, as we continue on our healing path unhindered.

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” — Lao Tzu

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/26/childhood-trauma-overcoming-the-hurt-of-invalidation/

How to Deal with Difficult Parents

As kids, we put our parents on a pedestal. When we were growing up, they could heal every wound, solve every problem and fix anything that was broken.

As adults, we realize they don’t actually know everything and also have shortcomings. Sometimes, the tables turn — our parents begin to come to us for financial help, relationship advice, or career guidance. We may start to feel like we are their parents and have come into a role of supporting them much sooner than we expected.

Here are some ways to help you cope with this newfound responsibility and deal with difficult parents.

 

• Remember how much they did for you.

 

Our parents birthed us, bathed us, changed our diapers, helped us with countless hours of homework, college applications, and advised us on friendship and relationship problems throughout our childhood and adolescent years. Did I mention they changed many diapers? They have done so much for us, and yet it is easy to forget all of the sacrifices they made on our behalf. When you are feeling frustrated with them, remind yourself of all the love, care, and time they have poured into you over the years.

• Set appropriate boundaries.Establishing appropriate boundaries with your parents can have a positive impact on your relationship. Start by setting small boundaries and do so in a tactful, non-shaming way. Stress your love for them and set parameters by simply offering an alternative.

  For example, when your parents give you a hard time about not making it to Christmas Eve dinner, let them know you and your spouse can’t make it because you will be with your partner’s family. But you would love to come over for Christmas Day dinner. It is possible to set proper limits with while still showing them love and respect.

• Get in their heads.Does your mother come over and try to rearrange your furniture? Does your father come over and offer you tips on how to better care for your yard? It may seem like they are pestering or judging you, but in reality it could be something else. Try to think of why your mom or dad is still trying to hang onto you so tenaciously. Understanding where they could be coming from can help you have a more honest, loving response.
• Confide in siblings.Your siblings may be the only people in the world who completely understand and share the same frustrations about your parents. Talking with siblings about your parents can offer solutions you may not have considered. If nothing else, it can bring comic relief to discuss together your mother’s audacity or ridiculousness.
• Lower your expectations. We may never change how our parents behave, but we can control how we respond. By changing or lowering our expectations, we can find their behavior less irritating or disappointing.
• Go to therapy together.If you feel like your relationship with one or both parents is particularly toxic, seeing a counselor together can help. Having an objective third party to hash out the details with and help explain different perspectives can be extremely productive and refreshing for everyone involved. Most parents want to maintain healthy relationships with their children and should be willing to do what they need in order to do so.

In the end, you decide how to respond to your difficult parents. If the relationship is worth keeping, maybe you need to do a better job of loving them despite their faults. In any relationship, love is a choice. However, love also has boundaries and mutual respect, so do not settle for a relationship with your parents that is driven more by guilt and obligation than genuine affection.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/26/how-to-deal-with-difficult-parents/