7 Ways to Spot a Lie

Whether you are talking to your child, a spouse, co-worker or friend, you may find yourself questioning their genuineness and wondering if they are telling the truth from time-to-time. Whether it’s debunking a little white fib or uncovering a large-scale lie, it is important to be able to tell when people are not telling the truth.

Here are seven ways to spot a lie:

1. Examine body language.
   When someone is lying, his or her body language can often give you a clue. They may have fidgety hands or hide their hands completely. They could shrug their shoulders and not stand tall, or may make their bodies appear smaller so they feel less noticeable. Watch for these physical signs to gauge if someone is being honest with you.
2. Watch facial expressions. 
   When people are in the middle of a lie their facial expressions may show you. Look for flared nostrils, lip biting, rapid blinking or sweating. These changes in facial activity signify an increase in brain activity as a lie begins. Some people will get a slight flush to their face when they are lying, so look for blushed cheeks as anxiety may set in.
3. Pay attention to tone and sentence structure. 
   When people lie their speech tone and cadence may change. They could start speaking with a higher or lower tone than normal, and either speak more slowly or rapidly. Their sentence structure may become more detailed, including very specific information than is usual. This again is their brain working in overdrive.
4. Look at mouth and eyes. 
   Someone who is lying may cover their mouth or eyes with their hands, or close them altogether. Both of these come from a natural tendency to want to cover a lie.
5. Listen to how they refer to themselves. 
   People who are lying tend to avoid using the words “I” or “me” when they are in the midst of a lie. Sometimes they will speak about themselves in the third person by saying things like, “this girl.” This is how they mentally distancing themselves from the lie.
6. Have all the answers. 
   Usually when you ask someone a question, such as “what did you do this weekend?”, they have to pause for a moment and think about it. When an individual is lying, they often rehearse their answers, so they are prepared in their responses and don’t have any hesitation. It can be a dead giveaway if they have immediate answers to everything without pausing to think.
7. Trying to prove their honesty. 
   When people are honest, they usually expect that you will believe them. If someone says phrases such as “to be perfectly honest” or “I swear I’m telling the truth” that could clue you in that they are lying. Honest people don’t feel the need to convince you of their honesty.

If you pay attention to people’s body language, facial expressions, how and what they are communicating, you can become pretty good at spotting lies. Whether you are dealing with someone who is a pathological liar, or your teenage son who is trying to weasel out of a punishment, it can be helpful to know when someone is likely lying to you.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/27/7-ways-to-spot-a-lie/

Podcast: OC87 Recovery Diaries – Real People, Real Stories

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, host Gabe Howard talks with Glenn Holsten and Gabriel Nathan. Glenn is the award-winning director of OC87, the groundbreaking film that led to the OC87 Recovery Diaries website, of which Gabriel is the editor-in-chief. The OC, in this case, is not Orange County, but Obsessive-Compulsive. The website features mental health music, art, interviews, movie reviews, essays, recovery videos, and much more.

Glenn Holsten

 

 

Listen as Our Hosts Learn About OC87 Recovery Diaries

 

Gabriel Nathan

About The Psych Central Show Podcast

The Psych Central Show is an interesting, in-depth weekly podcast that looks into all things mental health and psychology. Hosted by Gabe Howard and featuring Vincent M. Wales.

 

Gabe Howard is a professional speaker, award-winning writer, and mental health advocate who lives with bipolar 1 and anxiety disorders. Diagnosed in 2003, he has made it his mission to put a human face on what it means to live with mental illness.

Gabe writes the Don’t Call Me Crazy Blog for PsychCentral.com as well as is an associate editor. He also writes and Video Blogs for Bipolar Magazine Online. He’s been a keynote speaker for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), MHA (Mental Health America), OSU (Ohio State University), along with many other venues. To work with Gabe please contact him via his website at www.GabeHoward.com or e-mail Gabe@GabeHoward.com.

Vincent M. Wales is the author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. He lives with persistent depressive disorder and is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor with additional counseling background. A Pennsylvania native, he obtained his BA in English writing from Penn State. While a resident of Utah, he founded the Freethought Society of Northern Utah. He now lives in Sacramento, California. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

Previous Episodes can also be found at PsychCentral.com/show.

Subscribe to The Psych Central Show on iTunes and Google Play.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/27/podcast-oc87-recovery-diaries-real-people-real-stories/

Living with “What If” — Addressing Anxiety

There are many people who don’t know that their hesitations, fears, and even compulsive “musts” throughout the day are actually stemmed in anxiety. Regardless if the anxiety is caused from stress or trauma, the longer anxiety is ignored — the worse it usually gets.

If your life is plagued by “what if” moments, then it is time to address your quality of life from a mental health standpoint. It is important to know that not all anxiety disorders are the same, however all of them can cause such distress that it interferes with your ability to lead a normal life. The “what ifs” can become immobilizing and then the stress can lead to actual physical disability.

When you ruminate on every situation or “what if”, the big and the small can create  a perfect storm of symptoms that will then result in even more anxiety. Trouble sleeping, issues with eating too much or too little, lack of concentration, headaches, and even stomach upset can all be the result of “what if” anxiety or challenges making decisions.

As a licensed therapist, I tell people all the time to own their anxiety. Don’t run from it. Don’t hide it. Accept that you have it and then find someone to help you work on getting ahead of it. The last thing that you want to do for your body or for your mind is to try to ignore the “what if” questions in your mind.

Separating fact from fiction is important, too. If a “What if” question is getting the best of you, and you are in between appointments with your therapist, try to weigh out the scenarios. For example, if you’re afraid to get in a car to drive to the grocery store because “what if” you get into a car accident, set yourself up to examine the facts and weed out the fiction. Yes, car accidents do happen, but we can’t predict when they will happen. We can, however, try to work hard at preventing them. So, ask yourself a series of questions about your “what if” scenario as a way to separate fact from fiction and then assess the risk and the result. In the case of our example, if you don’t go to the store for groceries, the result is you probably will go hungry. If you are careful, aware of your surroundings, drive defensively and take the risk of driving to the store, you probably will not go hungry. Ruminating about all the “what ifs” is wasted time and energy. Assessing and addressing is a better coping strategy.

Remember, anxiety is a real thing. Your “what ifs” can cause mental and physical distress. It is very important to work with a professional to address the issue and type of anxiety that you have so you can refind your joy in living again!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/26/living-with-what-if-addressing-anxiety/

The Mystery of Men in Therapy Revealed

Why is it that so many men feel more comfortable opening up to a therapist — essentially a stranger — than they do their own spouse? Do they trust their therapists more than their wives? The short answer is, no, they don’t. The slightly more complicated answer is that they’re afraid to let the one woman who they’re closest with — the one woman they’ve professed to love and protect — know that they, too, are at times scared, confused and dare I say it…sensitive.

The Social Stranglehold

Although men have, over time, become more open with their emotions, the reality is that many men still strongly identify with traditional values. They want to be the voice of reason in difficult situations, fix things, “handle themselves” and remain calm, cool, collected — and maybe even seemingly a little fearless — in the face of distress or potential danger.

As much as we’d like to believe these traditional values have shifted in our current culture, the reality is, well, not much has changed. Although there is, by far, much less stigma attached to men being in touch with their feminine side, they are still expected to remain as masculine as ever, at the same time.

I doubt many men who are old enough to call themselves men were encouraged to be emotional or vulnerable as children. Even if this were the case, it may not have been as well received as one would have hoped — whether at home, or in the workplace. With all of these conflicting expectations, men often feel lost, misguided and confused about who they are, who they should be and how they should present themselves.

It’s hard to imagine, as a female, what it would be like to not feel safe or even comfortable in crying whenever I feel like it, to console friends in an affectionate manner, or to talk openly about how out of control my emotions are that day. Unfortunately, men are given the short end of the stick by continually being restricted around expressing their emotions, as well as expectations of what it means to be a man.

Recapturing Emotions

Human beings are emotional animals. Our emotions are the center of our basic power. When our emotions are not expressed and named, we lose the vitality of that human power. Denying emotions — particularly for men — is something that, culturally, our society has taught us to do. Men are encouraged to keep their emotions hidden, subdued and repressed. As a society, in general, we are taught to ignore our feelings, to just power through everything. The more this message is sent, the more displaying emotion is seen as a weakness. Since the last thing men, confined by those traditional values, want to be perceived as is weak, they end up being kind of stuck.

This is where the mystery of men in therapy gets a little more obvious. When men choose to become more willing to share these perceived weak parts, they also begin creating a path toward self-acceptance. Self-acceptance often involves integrating the feminine and masculine. All self-archetypes are essential parts of us. When men give up trying to avoid feelings of sadness, dependence and hopelessness—and begin to understand the role emotions play — these disowned parts are freed. Instead of continuing to feel disconnected, that freedom helps them to feel whole again.

Realizing Your Authenticity

When, as a man, you realize, it’s okay to be stoic, confident, protective and strong, and, at the same time, vulnerable, sensitive, and loving, a profound transformation can happen. You can finally embrace all of what it means to be a man, empowered to be authentic, without fear of how that will be perceived.

Choosing to love and accept yourself will begin increasing your satisfaction, not only in your relationships, but also in your career, mental wellness and everyday living. There are too many men out there with incredible capacities for greatness to continue ignoring what has been societally oppressed. The more you can become comfortable with your emotions and accept them unconditionally, the more you can allow your true self to flourish.

It takes courage to allow the pain of self-disclosing. When done within the safety of the right environment and with the right therapist, it’s worth the discomfort. It can support your healing and show you what it’s like to be comfortable in your own skin.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/26/the-mystery-of-men-in-therapy-revealed/

6 Strategies for Achieving Any Aspiration

Maybe you’d like to move up in your company. Maybe you’d like to become more assertive. Maybe you’d like to become a better writer or runner. Maybe you’d like to start a photography business. Maybe you’d like to set stronger boundaries. Maybe you’re feeling stuck and would like to make a change. But you’re not sure about the specifics.

Whatever your aspiration or aspirations, the below strategies can help. These valuable tips come from Stephanie Kang, a coach and counselor who guides her clients toward greater self-acceptance and personal transformation.

Set meaningful aspirations.

First, make sure that the aspiration you’re setting is actually deeply meaningful and significant to you. “Our society heavily emphasizes doing, and productivity and achieving,” Kang said. In addition to setting action-oriented aspirations, she encouraged readers to create aspirations “about who they want to be, how they want to be, and what values are most important in their lives.”

For instance, Kang has worked with clients on developing a more compassionate relationship with themselves, being more present and living true-to-them lives. She’s also helped clients improve their relationships, process difficult emotions and pursue entrepreneurship.

Be strategic about support.

It’s essential to be honest with yourself about your limitations and to recognize that it’s OK to ask for help, Kang said. Which is often contrary to what we do, isn’t it? Often we feel terrible about our “flaws” or “weaknesses.” And instead of addressing them, we berate ourselves.

Kang suggested identifying the kind of help you need and the person that can provide it. For instance, you might want to take a more mindful approach to life, but you have no idea where to start. So you ask a friend who’s a yoga instructor for some pointers. Or you hire a coach who specializes in mindfulness.

“It’s important to realize that just because you don’t know how to do something, doesn’t mean it can’t be done.” Remember that you don’t need to figure everything out on your own. You don’t need to go it alone.

Acknowledge your stubborn self-doubt.

Self-doubt is the biggest obstacle that prevents individuals from achieving their aspirations, Kang said. Self-doubt includes everything from beating ourselves up to yearning for perfection. “[I]t seems we all have that voice inside telling us we aren’t good enough, or ‘should’ be doing something different or better than we are.”

Kang suggested creating intentional space for your doubts, because sometimes they simply need to be expressed. You could do this by journaling—or working with a therapist or coach.

Aim for 1 percent improvement.

According to Kang, “any small change that moves someone closer to their ultimate goal is progress.” Which is an important reminder not to set sky-high expectations.

She shared this example: If you’d like to speak up at your work meetings, it’s unrealistic to think that you’ll become the most vocal person in the room. Instead, your 1 percent improvement might look like noticing when you’d like to say something and jotting it down.

One of Kang’s clients wants to have a stronger relationship with his wife. For him a 1 percent improvement is an argument that doesn’t last as long or end as painfully, she said.

Focus on learning throughout the process.

Check in with yourself regularly, and reflect on any new insights you’ve learned, Kang said. For instance, one of her clients is working on overcoming fears at work. She’s learning everything from how she uniquely communicates to how to navigate her challenges. She’s also learning how present situations are related to past events.

Create a vision board.

Some of Kang’s clients are very visual and find it helpful to create a tangible illustration of their dreams. A vision board reminds you of the bigger picture and connects you to yourself.

To create your own vision board, Kang suggested gathering magazine clippings, photos, souvenirs and anything else that is inspiring or important to you. “[T]hese different pieces could represent your values, identity, important memories that have shaped who you are, your goals and aspirations, and so on.”

Use these images and objects to create a collage, or pin them to a board. As Kang said, “there’s no right or wrong way to do this.”

There’s also no right moment to start pursuing an aspiration. So if you’re waiting around, “know that now is the perfect time.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/26/6-strategies-for-achieving-any-aspiration/

You Can Do This: Uncover Your True Potential

“To uncover your true potential, you must first find your own limits and then you have to have the courage to blow past them.” – Picabo Street

Do you know what your true potential is? Have you ever given it much thought, or has it been something that you only occasionally spend any time considering? To be able to prepare a roadmap or timeline for achieving goals, you first must have some goals in mind. This generally means that you have some inkling what you ultimately want to do with your life, although many goals are simply interim accomplishments while you actively search for that overriding meaningful life purpose.

Still, trying to figure out what you’re made of and, even more important, what you are capable of, takes time. There’s no simple shortcut that can propel you past the decision-making process without much effort. In fact, unlocking and discovering your true potential can take a lot longer than you think.

It can also occur rather quickly.

So, what’s the secret behind uncovering your true potential? What steps can you take to ensure you’re on the right path to be able to figure this all out? Here are some tips:

Pick an area of interest and study up on it.

So, what if you don’t know a thing about creating an organizational structure, crafting a business proposal, securing a home loan, applying for college, asking someone out on a date (really, there’s a first time for everyone)? There are resources available to help you gain the information you need as well as tips on how to go about the process. Take some time to research and study the topic to see if it warrants further interest and effort. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. At the very least, you’ll find some things that pique your interest and maybe more than that.

Take the first steps — even if it’s scary.

Granted, some undertakings are massive in scope. Knowing they’ll take a great deal of time and effort might be enough to dissuade you, but if you believe this is something that’s important to your future, take the first steps. You can always alter course later if it turns out this isn’t an area you want to pursue further. To make any substantive progress, however, you need to begin at the beginning.

Regard all mistakes as learning opportunities.

You’re not going to be successful on the first try with everything you do. You will run into obstacles. That’s a given. Some of these will be huge, enough to cause you to think about quitting. Others won’t be so difficult and you’ll be able to navigate them without too much difficulty. Still, mistakes will be made. It’s up to you to learn what you can from them. Even if it seems painful or impossible, there is a lesson in every mistake or perceived failure. You won’t know what you’re made of or be able to unlock your true potential if you refuse to learn from your mistakes.

When you encounter a hurdle, find the strength to push past it.

No doubt you’ll encounter many an obstacle that seems formidable. You might be tempted to quit and go on to tackle something else, perhaps something a little less strenuous or demanding. But this isn’t the time to give up; it’s the time to push on. So, you’ve reached what you think is your limit. Is it really the best you can do? Is this all you have to give or do you have a reservoir of strength that you can draw on? Some of the most remarkable discoveries occur at the precise moment of a seeming dead-end. Find your strength and courage and be willing to push past the hurdle. Your true potential will always be just ahead of you. If you keep your eyes open, stay focused on the present and put forth your full effort, you will begin to see it and be able to create action plans to achieve the next desirable goal.

Nothing is impossible.

The first person to climb Mount Everest probably thought it was an impossible mission. Pursuing a heartfelt goal, no matter how difficult, time-consuming, physically and/or mentally draining shows you that you’ve got substance, persistence and a compelling desire to see a challenge through. Remember that nothing is impossible, if you fully commit to it and are willing to endure the obstacles and tough times you’re likely to face.

Keep this in mind: If you want to uncover your true potential, you must be willing to work for it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/25/you-can-do-this-uncover-your-true-potential/

When Family Members and Friends Don’t Understand Depression

We’ve come a little way in reducing the stigma that’s associated with mental illness, but not nearly far enough.

Consider these results pulled from a public attitude survey in Tarrant County, Texas, conducted by the county’s Mental Health Connection and the University of North Texas in Denton to determine the community’s view of mental illness:

• More than 50 percent believe major depression might be caused by the way someone was raised, while more than one in five believe it is “God’s will.”
• More than 50 percent believe major depression might result from people “expecting too much from life,” and more than 40 percent believe it is the result of a lack of willpower.
• More than 60 percent said an effective treatment for major depression is to “pull yourself together.”

Unfortunately, these beliefs are often held by those closest to us, by the very people from whom we so desperately want support.

Resenting them for their lack of understanding isn’t going to make things better, though. It almost always makes things worse. Whenever I hit a severe depressive episode, I am reminded once more that I can’t make people understand depression any more than I can make a person who hasn’t gone through labor understand the intense experience that is unique to that situation. Some people are able to respond with compassion to something that they don’t understand. But that is very rare.

Don’t Mistake Their Lack of Understanding for a Lack of Love

Whenever I try to open the doors of communication and express to a family member or friend how I am feeling, when I try to articulate to them the pain of depression, and am shut down, I usually come away extremely hurt. I immediately assume that they don’t want to hear it because they don’t love me. They don’t care enough about me to want to know how I am doing.

But distinguishing between the two is critical in maintaining a loving relationship with them. My husband explained this to me very clearly the other day. Just because someone doesn’t understand depression or the complexity of mood disorders doesn’t mean they don’t love me. Not at all. They just have no capability of wrapping their brain around an experience they haven’t had, or to a reality that is invisible, confusing, and intricate.

“I wouldn’t understand depression if I didn’t live with you,” he explained. “I would change the subject, too, when it comes up, because it’s very uncomfortable to a person who isn’t immersed in the daily challenges of the illness.”

This is a common mistake that many of us who are in emotional pain make. We assume that if a person loves us, he or she would want to be there for us, would want to hear about our struggle, and would want to make it better. We want more than anything for the person to say, “I’m so sorry. I hope you feel better soon.”

The fact that they aren’t able to do that, however, does not mean they don’t love us. It just means there is a cognitive block, if you will, on their part — a disconnect — that prevents them from comprehending things beyond the scope of their experience, and from things they can see, touch, taste, smell, and feel.

Don’t Take It Personally

It is incredibly difficult not to take a person’s lack of response or less-than-compassionate remark personally, but when we fall into this trap, we give away our power and become prey to other people’s opinions of us. “Don’t Take Anything Personally” is the second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic The Four Agreements; the idea saves me from lots of suffering if I am strong enough to absorb the wisdom. He writes:

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally … Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds … Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up ….

Protect Yourself

I have learned that when I fall into a dangerous place — when I am so low that mindfulness and other techniques that can be helpful for mild to moderate depression simply don’t work — I have to avoid, to the best of my ability, people who trigger feelings of self-loathing. For example, some people in my life adhere tightly to the law of attraction and the philosophies of the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne that preach that we create our reality with our thoughts. They have been able to successfully navigate their emotions with lots of mind control and therefore have trouble grasping when mind control isn’t enough to pull someone out of a deep depression.

I struggle with this whenever I fall into a depressive episode, as I feel inherently weak and pathetic for not being able to pull myself out of my pain, even if it means simply not crying in front of my daughter, with the type of mind control they practice, or even mindfulness or attention to my thoughts. This, then, feeds the ruminations and the self-hatred, and I’m caught in a loop of self-flagellation.

Even if they aren’t thinking I’m a weak person, their philosophies trigger this self-denigration and angst in me, so it’s better to wait until I reach a place where I can embrace myself with self-compassion before I spend an afternoon or evening with them. If I do need to be with people who trigger toxic thoughts, I sometimes practice visualizations, like picturing them as children (they simply can’t understand the complexity of mood disorders), or visualizing myself as a stable water wall, untouched by their words that can rush over me.

Focus on the People Who Do Understand

In order to survive depression, we must concentrate on the people who DO get it and surround ourselves with that support, especially when we are fragile. I consider myself extremely lucky. I have six people who understand what I’m going through and are ready to dole out compassion whenever I dial up their numbers. I live with an extraordinary man who reminds me on a daily basis that I am a strong, persevering person and that I will get through this. Whenever my symptoms overtake me and I feel lost inside a haunted house of a brain, he reminds me that I have a five hundred pound gorilla on my back, and that my struggle doesn’t mean that I am a weak person not capable of mind control. At critical periods when I’m easily crushed by people’s perceptions of me, I must rely on the people in my life that truly get it. I must surround myself with folks who can pump me up and fill me with courage and self-compassion.

Depression support groups — both online and in person — are invaluable in this regard for offering peer support: perspectives from people in the trenches who can offer key insights on how to deal with the invisible beast. I created two online groups, Group Beyond Blue on Facebook and Project Beyond Blue, but there are many forums worth checking out, like the ones at Psych Central. Actual support groups hosted by such organizations as National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), and support offered by a therapist, are also great resources to help give you the coping tools you need to get by in a world that doesn’t get it.

Join Project Hope & Beyond, the new depression community.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/25/when-family-members-and-friends-dont-understand-depression/