How to Spot and Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Don’t let it drive you crazy!

What does “passive-aggressive” REALLY mean? And why is it so hard to identify passive-aggressive behavior in co-workers and partners?

People who have passive-aggressive traits suppress their angry responses because they fear conflict, and the anger comes out in other, more passive ways.

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For example, instead of having an argument that might risk the end of her relationship, Mary accidentally launders her husband’s white shirts with her red dress so they all come out pink.

Or maybe Jeff is furious with his boss, but instead of standing up to him, he forgets to mail the bills, and the business gets a bunch of late fees.

Because we are often unaware we are being passive-aggressive, it is difficult to stop behaving this way — even when we hate the results.

We are passive-aggressive when we express our anger or hostility indirectly.

A cycle then develops like this:

Anger bubbling under the surface leads to issues not being addressed leads to more and more indirect expression of our feelings.

When confronted about our behavior, we deny any anger or simply say dismissively ‘OK you are right’.

The core of passive-aggression is spiteful or sullen co-operation.

The person partially does what is expected of him but being full of resentment, he doesn’t do it fully or well.

It’s difficult to identify passive-aggressive behavior in others because we often dismiss our instincts. We like to give people the benefit of the doubt or think positively.

So, when someone we are connected with breaks a promise, is always late or never follows through, we make excuses for them.

Here are the common red flag signs of passive-aggressive behavior:

• Procrastination: Nothing is ever begun immediately or finished on time.
• Sulking.
• The Silent Treatment: They simply stop talking to you. It is a silence that is pregnant with rage.
• Doing tasks or completing requests poorly. Jobs are half done, and if you comment there is always an excuse.
• Shutting down conversations; sometimes with ‘Fine’ or ‘Whatever,’ other times with ‘Ok you’re right’ (but then not changing any behavior or complying with the request).
• Lots of excuses and nothing is ever their fault.
• Perpetual lateness.

This type of behavior is insidious.

It makes the person who is not passive-aggressive crazy. They will question whether they are being unfair.

It’s possible John really forgot to pick up my dry cleaning for the fifth time the day before that important presentation at work.

Maybe they are being unreasonable expecting Margaret to be on time when she lives 30 minutes away. Gareth probably didn’t lose the keys on purpose so that we missed the plane and then missed mother’s party that he didn’t want to attend in the first place.

This cycle eats into the fabric of the relationship, undermining any positive feelings and undermining trust.

Here are my top 10 ways to stop this poisonous cycle and start healing your relationship:

1. Recognize the Passive-Aggressive Behavior as Quickly as You Can.

One of the most poisonous aspects of passive-aggressive behavior is the person who is not being passive-aggressive becomes overwhelmed by strong emotions.

This results in them feeling exhausted before they even realize that there is a passive-aggressive dynamic at play.

2. Make Clear Agreements with Your Partner.

Clear agreements mean everyone knows what is expected of them.

3. Notice Your Own Anger.

Often the person who is being passive-aggressive wants the other person to get angry, yell and scream as then that person will be identified as being the problem.

This is so they can avoid expressing their own anger and frustration or because they don’t want to have the conflict.

Do what you can to diffuse your anger and step back from the cycle. It takes two people to play this game.

If you refuse to play, something will have to change.

4. Be Assertive, not Aggressive, and State Things as Clearly as Possible.

State facts and be clear about your opinions.

Let the person know the impact of her behavior on you in clear statements.

5. Be Clear about Requests and Expectations and Make Sure That You Get Clear Agreements.

If you are asking someone to do something, make sure you are clear about the time frame.

If there is a specific way you want something done, make sure you tell the person. Be clear about the consequences for not meeting expectations.

6. Know Your Own Boundaries and State Them Explicitly.

This will stop you from enabling this cycle by either taking responsibility because you can no longer wait or by engaging in another endless row.

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7. Take Responsibility for the Things That are Yours and Reject the Rest.

Own the things that are your fault and own your piece in the issues that are joint.

Apologize for these and change your behavior. Apologies are only worth something if you don’t continue to repeat the same behavior.

Don’t be pressured into accepting responsibility for everything — and that includes responsibility for fixing everything.

8. Don’t Accept the Forgetfulness Excuse.

Be clear about the things that are important to you and make it easy for your partner to remember.

9. If You are the Passive-Aggressive Person, Work on Being Aware of Your Own Anger and Expressing It Directly.

Do not say yes to your partner and then do things your own way or do what you want.

10. Agree for Both of You to Be Responsible for Initiating Activities, Chores, Conversations, and Sex in Your Relationship.

Take the time to write these agreements down and be detailed and specific.

This cycle is a difficult one to deal with.

But remember, passive-aggression is often not a conscious behavior choice.

People who tend to react in this way are often unaware of their resentment and their anger.

They often say things like ‘I’m just forgetful’ or ‘I didn’t do that on purpose’ or ‘I’ve always been late. It’s cultural’.

They are unaware of the impact of their behavior on others and can be hypersensitive to criticism.

If you have been trying to deal with this and find you are not getting anywhere, a relationship therapist or an intimacy coach can be very helpful.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Know When Your Partner Is Being Passive-Aggressive (And How To STOP It).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/04/how-to-spot-and-stop-passive-aggressive-behavior/

Recovering from Abuse: Collecting Pebbles

One of the most common things I hear from survivors of psychological abuse is their confusion about why they didn’t notice the red flags sooner in the relationship. It doesn’t matter if the toxic person is a parent, co-worker, friend or love interest, almost all survivors seriously doubt themselves for not seeing the toxicity earlier. Once a survivor’s eyes are opened to the abuse they have endured, they wonder why they didn’t set better boundaries before they found themselves in a world of hurt from the psychological games. Survivors of this type of abuse have their lives completely rocked and thrown into chaos. The common question is “How did I let this happen to me?”

The truth is, this form of abuse is difficult to specifically pinpoint and that’s what makes it so insidious. The abuser works hard to hide their true motives by lying and shifting blame onto the survivor. In order for the pattern of abuse to be really seen, it takes a survivor many episodes that leave them deeply hurt. It is not a one-and-done type of abuse.

Psychological abuse is a pervasive pattern of covertly harming another person. I often relate the process that survivors go through as collecting pebbles. One pebble represents a negative encounter with a psychological abuser.

In the early stages of becoming aware that something isn’t right in the relationship, a survivor will have a few pebbles in their metaphorical bag. The bag isn’t very heavy and only carries a couple weird or hurtful moments with an abuser. Certainly not enough evidence of abuse to cut a family member out of your life, quit your job, break up with a boyfriend/girlfriend and most definitely not enough to end a marriage. It’s only a few negative moments, right? At this point, survivors will rationalize that nobody is perfect, everyone has character defects and good days/bad days. It is human nature to not take one or two or three or four unpleasant moments with people too seriously. We often shrug it off and move on.

However, after time of collecting “pebbles,” the bag becomes too heavy to carry anymore. Many survivors describe feeling crushed under the weight of the abuse and chronic dysfunction of the abuser. Survivors experience physical and emotional issues due to the weight of the bag of pebbles and toxicity of the environment. Some survivors share their During and After the abuse pictures and it is stunning to see how each and every one of them looked overwhelmed and exhausted during the abuse. The After pictures are extremely encouraging that recovery can be complete and permanent.

Are you collecting pebbles of odd or outright abusive encounters with a toxic person? How heavy is your bag right now? If there are just a few pebbles, take note of any patterns of behaviors that are starting to emerge. Be prepared to set boundaries if or when the pebbles start to pile up.

What do you do if your bag of pebbles is so heavy you can’t even lift it anymore and feel suffocated by the bag? First, breathe. Take a minute and pause. You are not crazy. You more than likely have been spun into such a chaotic state that you’re not sure which way is up anymore. Taking care of yourself physically is a great first step towards recovery from psychological abuse. Going to bed earlier, getting enough exercise and eating a little healthier are all helpful towards finding your way out of a dark pit. There are different aspect to being in recovery and each survivor has to figure out what is right for them and their specific situation. Finding a therapist or online support group that specializes in healing from psychological abuse is often vital for people to begin the healing process.

I wish that no one needed to be on the lookout for pebbles of abuse but the reality is that toxic people exist and trying to get a survivor to not notice the pattern is part of the dysfunction. Collecting pebbles helps gather the moments in one place so the true weight of the situation can be recognized.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/04/recovering-from-abuse-collecting-pebbles/

Podcast: Learn about NoStigmas – Mental Health Peer Support Movement

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe and Vincent chat with Jacob Moore, founder of NoStigmas.org, a social movement for mental health awareness and peer support. NoStigmas is a place for people to connect, share stories, and learn about mental health without feeling alone or ashamed. Jacob speaks and writes on the topics of mental wellness, suicide prevention, stigmas, peer support, and holistic health.

Jacob Moore

Listen as Our Hosts Learn About the NoStigmas Mental Health Movement

“If we can be a conduit to care and if we can connect people that way, then we’ve done our job.” ~ Jacob Moore

 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast

The Psych Central Show is an interesting, in-depth weekly podcast that looks into all things mental health and psychology. Hosted by Gabe Howard and featuring Vincent M. Wales.

 

 

Gabe Howard is a professional speaker, award-winning writer, and mental health advocate who lives with bipolar 1 and anxiety disorders. Diagnosed in 2003, he has made it his mission to put a human face on what it means to live with mental illness.

Gabe writes the Don’t Call Me Crazy Blog for PsychCentral.com as well as is an associate editor. He also writes and Video Blogs for Bipolar Magazine Online. He’s been a keynote speaker for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), MHA (Mental Health America), OSU (Ohio State University), along with many other venues. To work with Gabe please contact him via his website at www.GabeHoward.com or e-mail Gabe@GabeHoward.com.

Vincent M. Wales is the author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. He lives with persistent depressive disorder and is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor with additional counseling background. A Pennsylvania native, he obtained his BA in English writing from Penn State. While a resident of Utah, he founded the Freethought Society of Northern Utah. He now lives in Sacramento, California. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

Previous Episodes can also be found at PsychCentral.com/show.

Subscribe to The Psych Central Show on iTunes and Google Play.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/04/podcast-nostigmas-peer-support-movement-for-mental-health-awareness/

3 Simple Ways to Deal with Toxic Relationships at Work

You’ve got this.

In addition to my focus on couples, I have done some business consulting and have helped businesses be more profitable by developing healthier relationships at work.

Researchers have consistently shown that there is a connection between good morale, healthy work relationships, and productivity. However, sometimes, just as in personal relationships, you have to deal with a toxic relationship at work.

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I have helped many clients in my private practice deal with people at work who are draining their energy, creating a lot of stress and anxiety and making it difficult to even go to work.

Here are 3 tips to deal with toxic people and toxic relationships at work:

1. Don’t Take It Personally.

People who are toxic to you are usually toxic to others. You just might be (for some reason) a good target. Define your own worthiness and don’t let another person’s emotional baggage affect you.

I know this is not that easy to do but if you notice how you are internalizing the other person’s cruelty or passivity. Stop, take a breath, and remember that you can practice relaxing even while the other person is doing his or her toxic thing.

2. Act Opposite Your Reflex.

For example, if you want to run from that person, move towards that person and show some caring interest. Of course, don’t open yourself up to abuse, but throwing the person off like that can actually shift the whole toxic pattern sometimes.

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3. Talk to a Few Trusted People.

If the toxic person is not your boss, talk to your boss and see if you can get some support. If it is your boss, see if you have trusted co-workers.

Of course, good friends and family members can be confidantes with whom you can share your difficulties. Getting support can often give you the strength to deal with the toxic person.

I know that it can sometimes be more complex and trickier than what I outlined above. I am here to help you get creative with that unhealthy situation so that you can be more creative and happy again at work.

Do you have a toxic situation at work and how do you deal with it?

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Handle Toxic Relationships At Work (Without Getting Petty).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/03/3-simple-ways-to-deal-with-toxic-relationships-at-work/

Fear as a Teacher

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Taking a deep breath as I am typing these words about a topic that is inherent in the human condition. I consider myself a pretty brave person, having faced deaths of family members and friends, injury, an ectopic pregnancy, financial challenge, a heart attack, shingles, kidney stones, job layoff, illness, relationships ending, and loss of my home in a hurricane. These are all common life events; some expected, most arriving out of the blue. When they have occurred, I have, like many, shaken my head and muttered WTF? I questioned, “Who thought this one up?” as I hastened to find a solution to these erstwhile dilemmas.

Hard to imagine the idea of fear being helpful, since it is an emotion that most people would rather avoid. We are born hardwired with the fight, flight or freeze response which comes in handy when we are faced with physical danger such as fleeing someone brandishing a weapon or needing to merge lanes on a major highway. Fortunately, I have only experienced the latter and hope never to encounter the former.

According to Gleb Shumyatsky, PhD, an assistant professor of genetics at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, fear is genetically oriented.  He says, “This is a major advance in the field of learning and memory that will allow for a better understanding of posttraumatic stress disorder, phobias, borderline personality disorder, and other human anxiety diseases,” 

The parallel question remains:  Is fear a learned response? As a therapist who has worked with clients in the various realms of mental health, for more than 38 years, I have noted that some people were taught to fear change, challenge, those who they perceive as different, leaving the comfort of the familiar, letting go of habits and addictions, loss of loved ones, death and incapacity.

Chapman University conducted a survey  from 2014-2016, inquiring of Americans what fears they harbor.

Below is a list of the 10 fears for which the highest percentage of Americans reported being “Afraid,” or “Very Afraid.”

Fear	Fear Domain	% Afraid or Very Afraid
Corrupt government officials	Government	60.6
Terrorist Attack	Manmade Disasters	41
Not having enough money for the future	Economic	39.9
Terrorism	Crime	38.5
Government restrictions on firearms and ammunition	Government	38.5
People I love dying	Illness and Death	38.1
Economic/financial collapse	Economic	37.5
Identity theft	Crime	37.1
People I love becoming seriously ill	Illness and Death	35.9
The Affordable Health Care Act/Obamacare	Government	35.5

 

Fear can either paralyze or catalyze us to take action. Noticing fears can assist us in determining how to face them. Many surveys have indicated that public speaking is a top fear, ranking even higher than trepidation about death. The joke is that some would rather die than speak in public. As a public speaker, I am at ease in the spotlight and can only recall one time when I had stage fright. Although I don’t welcome it, I became aware of what fueled it. Primary among the thoughts were, “What if I blow it in front of all these people and I discover that I’m not as talented, capable, clever….as I think I am?”  That dreaded imposter syndrome kicked in and my mind was off to the races as it catalogued all the other perceived failures and foibles to which I have fallen prey.  Fortunately, I was able to access my support system and the reminder that I have survived everything that has ever happened to me and it was likely that I would make it through this challenge as well. Clearly, I did and now can use it as a reference point to accommodate when future fears arise.

What are some fun fears?

• Scary movies
• Wild amusement park rides
• High octane performance athletics
• Wilderness survival adventures
• White water rafting
• Motorcycle or NASCAR Racing
• Skydiving
• Bungie jumping
• Hang gliding
• Ziplining
• Doing an Outward Bound Course (I completed one in 1981 as a college senior)
• Surfing
• Traveling solo
• Taking on fitness challenges (I am planning on doing a 5k)

People seek these types of fear inducing activities in part because they provide an adrenalin rush that rivals the most potent drug. Stories abound of those who are able to do super-human feats when in its throes.

What does fear have to teach us?

I have seen several acronyms for FEAR; among them:

• False
• Evidence
• Appearing
• Real

• Forgetting
• Everything (is)
• All
• Right

It can show us that we are more resilient and flexible than we imagined

It can remind us that we are here to live out loud.

It can provide evidence that when overcome, it can be the rocket fuel that propels us forward into a vividly rich life.

Let go of the shore (sure) and let the water carry you to new horizons.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/03/fear-as-a-teacher/

Why Teens Need a Strict Parent

Being strict is easy when it’s other people’s kids. We hear a kid whining in the toy aisle and the mom caves, handing him the toy. You listen to the neighbors complain about their daughter’s defiance of their rules. The nightly news shows the faces of teens who committed a crime and now have a record to follow them. “Well, their parents should have been more strict! Strict parents wouldn’t have allowed that. You have to teach and control your children!”

Instinctively, we all know that being a strict parent should result in a child who is successful and well-adjusted. In practice, though, it is much more difficult. Being a strict or “mean” parent is not only difficult, but it often goes against our natural instincts to love, protect, and soothe our child. A good parent wants their child to be happy, but to be a great parent one has to recognize that sometimes long term happiness means short term unhappiness.

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As a father, I can tell you there are few things greater than the look your child gives you when you do something “cool” or come to their aid. As your children grow older they see you less as Superman and more as their warden, so those moments are few and far between. It’s easy to grow addicted to these opportunities, and to pursue them. Some parents try to learn hip lingo and plug into cool, new music. Some parents give their children everything they want, including total freedom. Some parents sweep in to save their children time after time, disregarding rules and consequences.

There are some obvious issues with being a “cool” parent. A child with no rules or boundaries fails to learn to respect authority in school, jobs, and society in general. A child who gets everything they want never learns patience or frugality. A child who has never failed or faced real consequences is robbed the ability to handle strong emotions and the resilience that comes from failure.

There are even some indications that parents who harmlessly try to be “cool” and “hip” with their kids may be losing respect and teaching them that it’s important to know and care what other people are doing – that fitting in is important. Being cool isn’t actually helping.

No, it’s better to be real…

Three Key Ways to Be a Strict Parent

There are actually way more long-term and even immediate benefits to being a strict parent, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It can be difficult to know WHEN and WHERE to be strict.

Another challenge parents face is that they’ve been too lenient in the past, so a sudden shift to stricter measures is scary for everyone involved.

There are three main areas where strict parenting is not only vital, but also fairly straightforward. Start here:

• Chores – Starting your strict parenting with chores is a perfect first step. Not only are these black-and-white scenarios, they also make YOUR life easier. Chores teach your kids adult skills as well as responsibility. Start by laying down the law in your own home. Give your teen a list of chores that are their responsibility. Be sure that it isn’t just THEIR space that they will be responsible for. Then you must be strict! Hold them accountable by having them complete their chores before they enjoy freedom or other privileges. Expect some retaliation at first, but stay calm. This is when you do get to be a cool parent and let them know their attitude and loss of privileges is THEIR problem, not yours.
• Technology – Tech addiction is real, and teens benefit from parents who are strict about their technology use. You don’t need to monitor their every move, or keep them away from every single screen. But you DO need to hold the reins. Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable use of these tools in your home, be clear with your kids, then stand your ground.
• Consequences – The most advanced level of being a properly strict parent is dealing with consequences. It is critical that as a strict parent you allow your child to experience the consequences of their choices. If he comes home late, if she is late for school, if they use inappropriate language — they should experience manageable and relate able consequences for their choices. They don’t have to be drastic and devastating. They can be as simple as replacing their own cellphone if they break the one they have. However, it’s very important that you avoid sweeping in to save them (unless the consequence threatens their safety). If she forgets her lunch AGAIN, she’ll have to eat when she gets home. If he’s late to school because he overslept, don’t call and excuse it. Children will learn to be respectful and responsible, but only if you allow them to learn. It’s especially effective if you use behavior modification to combine negative reinforcement consequences (taking something away as punishment) with positive reinforcement consequences (rewarding them for doing something right).

It’s not fun. It’s not popular. And it’s definitely not cool. But it is absolutely vital that we have more strict parents… and fewer “cool” ones.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/03/why-teens-need-a-strict-parent/

Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In researching this yearly event I was surprised to learn that it started back in the 1940’s as a weekly observance and eventually expanded to include the entire month of May. In 2013, then President Barack Obama signed a proclamation stating his commitment to mental health and confirming May as National Mental Health Awareness Month.

Each year there is a different theme. Some past themes include What Mental Illness Feels Like, and Pathways to Wellness. This year’s theme is Risky Business. Mental Health America, the organization that started Mental Health Awareness Month, explains:

We believe it’s important to educate people about habits and behaviors that increase the risk of developing or exacerbating mental illnesses, or could be signs of mental health problems themselves. These include risk factors such as risky sex, prescription drug misuse, internet addiction, excessive spending, marijuana use, and troublesome exercise patterns.

Mental Health America, and other organizations such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), have created tools and organized resources to assist individuals, organizations and communities in raising awareness of the types of issues the above risky behaviors present, especially for young people.

What a wonderful source of information and support this is for so many people, and my guess is these efforts have helped a good number in our society who are suffering. This type of outreach has likely saved lives.

Yet, even with all the awareness and advocacy surrounding mental health these days, there are still those who deal with brain disorders but are afraid to ask for help. Indeed, there are those who don’t even realize they are dealing with mental illness, and still others who reach out for help to no avail. I regularly hear stories of those being misdiagnosed, those who can’t afford proper treatment, and those who are told to just “suck it up” and get on with their lives. We live in a world where there is still stigma attached to anything even remotely connected to our mental health. Anyone who has first-hand experience with mental health issues or loves someone who does knows we have a long way to go.

And while I totally support Mental Health Awareness Month, I also believe we can each do our part every day of the year to bring about positive changes.

How? By talking. I don’t mean at public events, symposiums, or other organized activities, though they can certainly be helpful. I’m referring to talking to each other – our families, loved ones, friends, and coworkers. Let’s work toward being as open about our mental health as we might be telling someone we have a physical illness. And let’s not forget talking’s underrated counterpart – listening. Everyone needs and wants to be heard and if we make it a point to listen – really listen – to one another, we can make a huge impact on all of our lives.

One of the main things I’ve learned as an advocate for OCD awareness is that once you open up to others, they will often open up to you. How many of us have felt so alone at times, thinking that nobody could possibly understand how we are feeling? The truth is there are people out there who have gone through or are going through something similar. But we will never connect with one another unless we talk. We need to share, we need to be heard, and we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. How else will we find each other?

Mental Health Awareness in May began over seventy-five years ago. That’s a long time. And while we have made huge strides in some respects, there are still many people who are suffering alone and in silence. Let’s all do what we can to change that. Let’s start talking.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/03/mental-health-awareness-month/