Living with an Aging Parent

My mother is 85, and she still drives and lives alone. When people see her they say “she never changes.” She took care of me when I went through two bouts of cancer, one in 2012 and the other in 2016. In short, Mom is in excellent shape for her age. But lately, she’s been moving a bit slower and seeming more like the octogenarian that she is.

At first, I was dismayed at the fact that she was slowing down.  The idea that she seemed more elderly and less “middle-aged” scared me. I feared that what would come soon was her death. But this was only catastrophizing. She was simply moving into a new stage of her life. In this period, she would need more help, but who knows, she could live for fifteen or so more years. Longevity runs in our family. Her grandmother was born in 1883 and lived to be 102. Gram even maintained an apartment until she was 100.

Living with aging parents happens to everyone, if you’re lucky.  The alternative, of course, is death. 

Below are several ways that I am dealing with the fact that my mother is aging and that our roles are switching; I’m becoming the caregiver, and she’s becoming the “cared for.”

Accept her as she is

You can’t fight nature.  At some point, you have to admit that your parent is elderly and just can’t do the things she used to do.  Going up and down stairs is difficult for her.  Carrying groceries, near impossible.  Negotiating a department store, disorienting.  You need to acknowledge these truths.  If you don’t learn to accept your parent as she now is, you will be very unhappy.  And so will your parent.

Embrace your new role as assistant

Get used to the idea that you will be doing much more for your parent.  But have fun in the process!  Go shoe shopping.  Take your mom (or dad or both) out to lunch.  Clean her house. You are the number one helper.  Don’t let her down.

Don’t mourn what is lost

Don’t get stuck in the past.  Rejoice in who your parent is now.  She is wise.  She is a priceless thing.

Stay in touch

Call and/or visit often.  She needs you now more than ever.

Don’t look worried

I discovered these words of wisdom from my mother.  Apparently, I was looking at her with worry in my eyes.  Would she fall?  Would she get deathly ill?  She picked up on this and said, “Don’t look worried.”  So I put a smile on my face.  I did it for her.  Your parent doesn’t want someone who is fearful.  She desires happiness in her life.  And she deserves to get it.  Be joyful.

Don’t forget to reserve time for yourself

Taking care of her is important, but taking care of you is, too. Just because she is getting older doesn’t mean you can’t have a life. You need a break, even if it is for a couple hours a day. Get someone to come in to spell you. Respite is now a word to remember.

Learn something new

Caring for your aging parent is a new experience. Learn something from it. In fact, learn many things from the journey. The biggest thing you’ll learn is how to love in a deeper, fuller way.

As Bob Dylan sings, “The times, they are a-changin.”  

Best to change with the times.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/04/living-with-an-aging-parent/

Is Recovery the Best Word to Describe Wellness with Mental Illness?

As a mental health blogger and a person living with mental illness, I often use the word recovery. In my quest to educate the world, I am very open about my illness, but I’m also quick to let people know that I’m living well. In other words, I tell people that I’m a person in recovery.

That’s when people really get confused.

How Can You Be in Recovery If There Is No Cure for Mental Illness?

The first pushback I receive is that the word recovery — when it hits most people’s ears — implies that mental illness is gone. If you recover from the flu, for example, it means the virus dies out and you no longer have the flu. But mental illness isn’t like the flu. There’s no virus to die out. There is no vaccine to prevent it. If you are in recovery from mental illness, it doesn’t mean you no longer have mental illness. It just means it’s controlled.

As you can imagine, this doesn’t sit well with the average person, Because it sounds like I’m giving the word recovery an entirely different meaning from what they’re used to. But that’s not what I’m doing at all. Oxford dictionary defines recovery as:

a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

Nowhere in that definition does it say “cured,“ or that whatever caused the issues in the first place has been eradicated entirely. It just says that what was once there is currently gone and a normal state of being has been restored.

Recovery Is the Correct Word – but So Are Many Others 

Almost every time I use the word recovery online, someone will write me that they hate “that word.” Remission would be a better word, they often argue.

Some folks believe that no word is appropriate. They believe I should say that I’m a person living with bipolar, and leave it at that, with no mention of my current health status, whatsoever.

Obviously, I disagree with that, because I use the word recovery. I’m proud to be a person living in recovery with bipolar disorder. I didn’t choose the phrasing, but I understand it and I agree with it.

I agree with the word recovery because I understand it to mean that I spend more time living my life than I do managing bipolar disorder. That’s what it means to me.

SAMHSA, the group largely responsible for the word being commonplace, defines recovery as:

A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self- directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.

I have no issues with how it is defined or used as it relates to mental illness and/or substance use disorders. It doesn’t strike me as offensive, dismissive, or off-putting. Language is difficult and many words have different meanings, depending on the context.

What’s important to realize, however, is that all the other ways to describe – and define – wellness are also correct. If you don’t like the word recovery, then don’t use it. It should be perfectly acceptable to define your experience with your illness in any way you see fit.

The way wellness is described is much less important to me than people being well. I believe people should choose whatever word or phrase works for them and use it.

Just as long as it means they are living well.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/04/is-recovery-the-best-word-to-describe-wellness-with-mental-illness/

The Reality of Preschool Anxiety Disorders

Most people think that younger children can’t have anxiety. They think that because children do not have much of a life experience, what do they have to be anxious about? The truth is very different. Almost 20% of pre-schoolers (aged 3 to 4) have an anxiety condition. Anxiety can be linked with depression and problems with behavior and sleeping. Due to this, it is important to treat the condition as early as possible. A study published in the ‘Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology’ explores diagnosis of anxiety in pre-schoolers using structured interviews. This included both the pre-schoolers and their parents. The authors, led by Lea Dougherty from University of Maryland College Park, looked at whether there was an anxiety disorder or not and then they looked at what other thinks might be linked to there being a diagnosis of anxiety.

The structured interview was designed to collect information ranging from parenting techniques to family history of mental health conditions. It was also designed to screen for anxiety disorders in this group of children. Using these data Lea and her team explored the links between certain factors and anxiety disorders in pre-schoolers. The interviews could detect the presence of any anxiety disorder, ranging from separation anxiety disorder to selective mutism which alters communication in certain social settings. The interviews could also diagnose Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (a condition where the child has intrusive thoughts, repetitive, unwanted thoughts). The interviewers also screened for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. ADHD is made up of problems focusing and directing attention and hyperactivity. The interviews also assessed 41 events that could be traumatic for a child, including sleep related problems such as nightmares. Only the parents were interviewed using the structured schedule.

The pre-schoolers took part in a two-hour study using of various scenarios designed to detect if the child has an anxious disposition or not. The researchers prompt the child to show a range of emotion and behaviours through these scenarios. The study included leaving the participants in a room with a stranger and playing with new, exciting toys. The episodes were each recorded through a one-way mirror for later coding. Coding is the process of labelling the observations made by the researchers so that the data can be compared and analyzed.

Over 90% of the parents and preschool participants returned for another lab session. This was to assess child and parent interaction. This included six tasks ranging from book reading to block building. Over 400 mothers and 400 fathers also completed a questionnaire based on parenting style.

Lea and her colleagues interviewed 541 three to four-year-old children and their parents. From this group, 106 of them (19.6%) had an anxiety disorder. Pre-schoolers with anxiety disorders were more likely to have depression, sleep problems, behavioral issues and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. ODD is a condition which is diagnosed in children showing defiant and disobedient behavior for longer than six months. Lea and her team found that children with and without anxiety disorders were not different in terms of age, gender, ethnicity and parental marriage status. This suggests that these factors do not play a key part in whether the child will have anxiety. Children with anxiety were also more prone to sadness.

In terms of parenting, those parents who had children with an anxiety disorder were seen to be less supportive. This is compared to the parents of children with no anxiety disorder. Lea and her team also showed that the children with anxiety were more likely to have been through more stress in the previous 6 months. Of all the children who had an anxiety disorder, 32 of them had a phobia, 57 had anxiety with no specific phobia and 17 of them had both an anxiety disorder and a phobia. There were five main factors which Lea and her team thought contributed to anxiety in pre-schoolers: childhood depression, sleep problems, time spent in day care, stressful life events and behavior problems. Based on this study the way we parent our children can go a long way in protecting them from anxiety disorders. Supportive parenting can improve emotional wellbeing and help them to manage their behavior.

Children aged 3 – 4 years of age can have serious anxiety. If left untreated, some anxiety disorders can worsen. Behavioral, sleep problems and depression can also affect these young kids if anxiety is not managed. Hopefully by being aware that anxiety can seriously affect children and that is can have bad consequences we can start taking steps to prevent it.

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/04/the-reality-of-preschool-anxiety-disorders/

Self-Harm: Legitimate Coping Skill or a Silent Scream for Help?

In an article I wrote titled “Why I’m Grateful for My Son’s Self-Injury,” I describe my son’s depression and the use of cutting to release some of his inner pain. This self-injury turned into an addictive and compulsive act that culminated in several suicide attempts. Cutting became his demon; one that needed to be fed, demanded attention, and was in control. No longer was my son the master of himself, the demon was. He described it as a monster, an obsession, “I want to cradle my obsession and love my obsession. . .the monster that has festered for, it seems like an eternity, inside of me. . .”

Self-Harm was used by my son as a coping skill. Sometimes it reduced his inner turmoil and sometimes it drew him to the brink of suicide. He did not know how he would feel or react when he was in the midst of the demon’s clutches. He did not realize that it was holding him back from achieving all of his aspirations.

Not everyone who self-harms is as absorbed as my son became, but many become overwhelmed by its addictive pull. My son stated in a personal poem, “If only I knew the weight of my decision and stopped the self-harm at the first incision.” He knew that he should not have started cutting, but once he began he couldn’t stop. He wanted help and the wounds were his way of silently screaming for that help.

Many articles describe cutting in a very different way. I have read authors describe self-injury as having a purpose as a “legitimate coping mechanism.”

The word legitimate means real, genuine, not false as well as conforming to known principles and accepted rules. Can self-injurious behavior be labeled as a legitimate coping mechanism?

If classifying an act of violence toward oneself-where blood is shed, bruises are created, hair is pulled out or poison is ingested-as a legitimate skill to cope with emotional turmoil, sadness, anxiety, anger or rejection; wouldn’t substance abuse, excessive drinking, eating disorders or engaging in dangerous, life-threatening activities also have to fall under the category of a legitimate coping mechanism?

What does the word coping really mean?

In psychology, coping “is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.”

The term coping generally refers to adaptive or constructive coping strategies, i.e. the strategies reduce stress levels. However, some coping strategies can be considered maladaptive, i.e. stress levels increase. Maladaptive coping can thus be described, in effect, as non-coping.

Self-Harm as a coping strategy does work for many people and they would say it reduces stress, but only for a short time. Often shame and embarrassment follow the act of self-injurious behavior and this can increase stress levels, so self-harm could be described as a maladaptive coping skill. In the long run it is not helping the person to solve and master their problems; it is becoming one of the problems.

Anyone who self-harms should not be shamed or criticized for their actions. To be in a place where the only thing that takes away your emotional pain is physical pain is a terrible place to be. Self-Harmers need to be loved, unconditionally, and treated with respect and compassion. They need to know that they will not be judged, ignored or mocked. They need guidance to find constructive coping strategies, so the day will come when hurting themselves is no longer an option.

I am the parent of a cutter, I have never personally engaged in self-injurious behavior and I cannot say that I fully understand how someone feels when they make the decision to hurt themselves. I can tell you how heart-wrenching it is to watch your child suffer. I can tell you how helpless you feel when your child is in pain. I can tell you that a parent would do anything to take that pain away.

I did everything I could to help my son deal with his anguish in a productive way, a way that provided him with life skills for the future. It was a battle to persuade him that cutting, although “soothing” in the moment, was actually doing more harm than good. In order for him to fully heal–physically, socially, and emotionally–he needed to face his emotional demons head on. When he finally did, it set him on a path to seek out positive coping skills, it didn’t happen overnight and there were years of ups and downs, but eventually my son realized that self-harm held him back from achieving all of his hopes and dreams.

“A single reason to continue on this path I have made for such a long time has left me completely. I am slowly beginning to realize what this has held me from becoming, that I am capable of achieving all my aspirations. That the monster that has festered for, it seems like an eternity, inside of me can be tamed, and being held back from the true self will only cause me to bask in the reality that is me. Relishing every moment I succeed.”—Matthew’s journals

Is self-injury a legitimate coping skill or a scream for help? What do you think?

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/03/self-harm-legitimate-coping-skill-or-a-silent-scream-for-help/

3 Distorted Beliefs About Friendships That Can Destroy Them

Our beliefs about relationships naturally affect how we behave in those relationships. And when our beliefs are distorted, it can lead us to actions that sabotage our friendships—and leave us neglecting ourselves. Which is why it’s important to take the time to explore our beliefs and contemplate their accuracy. Below, Alyssa Mairanz, a psychotherapist in New York City who specializes in relationships, shared three distorted beliefs.

Distorted belief: My friend doesn’t really mean that.

According to Mairanz, many people struggle with the belief that their friends don’t mean what they say. In other words, they regularly question their friends’ motives and intentions, she said.

For instance, your friend says she can’t get together for dinner because she’s studying for a tough test or needs to work late. You don’t believe her and think it’s a bogus excuse. You think: “Clearly, she just doesn’t want to hang out with me,” or even “I’m not that important to her” or “She doesn’t want to be my friend.”

This pessimism and lack of trust often originates in childhood, Mairanz said. “If your caregivers, and/or other important people in your life at that time, regularly disappoint you and are unable to give you the support you need, you will likely think all people will be that way.”

In addition to being suspicious of sincere friends, this also can lead you to befriending individuals you really can’t rely on, which only reinforces your negative beliefs about people and relationships, she said.

“This mentality also comes from a low self-esteem. When someone on some level doesn’t feel lovable and as if they deserve good things, this can lead to not trusting other people.”

Distorted belief: Being a good friend means being there for the person—always.

Your friend asks you for a ride to the airport. Your to-do list is a mile long, and taking him will triple your stress level. But you say yes, anyway, because that’s what good friends do. It’s your friend’s first day off in forever, and she wants to stay out late. You are exhausted, and need to get up early the next day. But you hang out until 2 a.m., because that’s what good friends do. Your friend needs to come over to discuss something. Right now. You’re leaving for an important appointment. But you skip it, because that’s what good friends do.

In other words, you believe that a good friendship is about dropping everything to be there for your friend. All the time. You dismiss your own needs. You care for your friend—at the expense of yourself.

However, as Mairanz said, “meeting your needs first is important.” Plus, “in reality, you can’t always accommodate other people and true friends understand that.”

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some people are the ones who hold their friends to impossible standards. “Often that kind of friend is seen as exhausting and that mentality actually pushes people away and brings resentment,” Mairanz said.

Distorted belief: A good friendship is equal—literally.

In other words, you have an eye for an eye or tit for tat mentality. This distorted belief leads to more conflict, frustration and even vindictive behavior, Mairanz said. She shared this example: Your friend has to miss your birthday because of a work conference. You’re able to attend his celebration but because he didn’t go to yours, you decide to decline. Why would I make an effort for him if he didn’t make an effort for me?

Our distorted beliefs are often motivated by fear of upsetting someone or by feeling abandoned, Mairanz said. “Some people have a lot of anxiety about others being mad at them and leaving the friendship.” We imagine that this will feel like the end of the world.

But will it? Really?  

Mairanz stressed the importance of revising our thought process. For instance, remind yourself that it’s OK if someone is upset with you, she said. “Not advocating for yourself will have more negative long-term consequences than upsetting someone in the short term.” That is, you might bottle things up, which can lead to anxiety and even depression.

You might become resentful, which can spark a blowout and end your friendship. “Avoiding conflict just delays the inevitable; eventually things come to a head,” Mairanz said. “By waiting, you have less control of when and how you express yourself, which often means a more dramatic and angry confrontation.” Plus, conflict is a normal part of any relationship, and when done constructively, can actually bring people closer.

Mairanz also suggested exploring the likelihood of your friend getting angry with you for certain actions. “Most of the time, the consequences imagined are not actually the result.”

Do you see yourself in these beliefs?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/03/3-distorted-beliefs-about-friendships-that-can-destroy-them/

Psychology Around the Net: June 3, 2017

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

This week’s edition of Psychology Around the Net has something for everyone including psychological tricks to avoid impulse shopping, research results on the moral judgment of terrorists, how virtual reality is helping foster better mental health, and more.

Enjoy!

Shopping Hungry? Psychology Trick Could Stifle Bad Food Choices: We’ve all heard grocery shopping on an empty stomach isn’t the brightest idea, but sometimes we don’t get to choose the ideal time to head to the store. However, researchers from the Netherlands might have found a way to help you avoid making impulse buys or choose unhealthy foods by promoting social-proof heuristics.

How to Warmly Greet People Without Having to Touch Them: Some of us are huggers; some of us need our space. If you’re one of the latter, here are some tips on how to offer a friendly greeting while making clear your personal boundaries.

Terrorists’ Moral Judgment Probed in Psychology Test: Researchers in the United States, Argentina, Columbia, and Chile recently published what they found during a project aiming to better understand the mindset of terrorists. What did they find? Terrorists have an “abnormal pattern of moral judgment.” Sounds like common sense, but they do recognize it as “a step forward” for further research so hear them out.

Millennial Males React to Harvard Report on Sex and Relationships: The Harvard Graduate School of Education discussed romantic and sexual experiences with more than 2,000 18- to 25-year-old participants around the United States and a group of men around the same age watched and reacted to the video clips of what the women at to say.

Virtual Reality a Game Changer for Psychiatry: Several Innovation Zone sessions held at the American Psychiatric Association (APA) 2017 Annual Meeting discussed the benefits of virtual reality and other augmented reality technology for children with autism, veterans suffering trauma, and patients dealing with anxiety.

Lingering Risk of Suicide After Discharge from Psychiatric Facilities: A new study based on more than 50 years of research regarding the suicide rates of patients related to discharge from psychiatric facilities suggests mentally ill patients are at a greater risk for suicide during the immediate period after discharge than other mentally ill individuals. There aren’t yet any accepted reasons for these post-discharge suicide rates, but researchers state suicide prevention efforts should begin before discharge and clinical focus immediately following discharge should be increased.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/03/psychology-around-the-net-june-3-2017/

Use the PANDA Method to Apologize in a Meaningful Way

Don’t BS your apologies.

So, you’ve messed up big this time. You want to and need to apologize, but you don’t want to be accused of insincerity.

By all means do not give the “I’m sorry, but…” kind of apology. The same goes for an apology that starts with “I’m sorry you…” and or “I’m sorry if/but you…”

Just don’t do it.

10 Reasons It’s So Hard To Say I’m Sorry (Even When You Want To!)

This is may sound in your head like a deeply meaningful apology, but the recipient will actually hear what you are saying as a manner of diverting the blame, a justification, or rationalization. No good can actually come out of this.

You will inevitably receive the response: “You don’t even know what you’re apologizing for” or “You aren’t sorry, you’re just sorry you got caught.”

Do yourself a favor and follow the following steps from the apology PANDA. Trust me on this, when flowers and chocolates won’t do, PANDA don’t pander.

This is how to say sorry in a meaningful way:

P: Promise It Will Never Happen Again.

In giving an authentic apology, you are saying that given the same circumstances, you would make a different, better, and wiser decision. Verbalize this and let the other person know you’ve learned from your mistakes.

A: Admit You Were at Fault.

Retrace your steps and describe exactly why what you did was wrong. A little acknowledgment and empathy can go a very long way.

N: No Excuses.

You may have fantastic extenuating circumstances ranging anywhere from you were having a bad hair day or getting told off at work. It doesn’t matter. The moment you start rationalizing, the person you are apologizing to will likely stop listening as their B.S. detector goes into overdrive.

Let the sincerity of your apology speak for itself.

Confessions Of A Constant Crier (And Why You Should STOP Apologizing For It)

D. Describe How You Would Handle the Situation Next Time.

The best thing that can come of any experience a person has is what they have learned. If you can pinpoint just what you’ve taken from the experience, you’ll get credit for taking the opportunity to become a wiser, better person.

A. Act On Your Promise.

Words are meaningless unless they are reflected in action. Take every opportunity that you can to make restitution.

Forgiveness takes time, willingness, commitment, and patience from both parties. It may not always be granted, but if you are sincere in your expression of regret and desire to change in your apology you’re giving yourself the best opportunity to reconnect and move forwards in your relationship.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The Forgiveness PANDA: How to Apologize In A Meaningful Way That Actually Works.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/02/use-the-panda-method-to-apologize-in-a-meaningful-way/