Nothing’s Wrong… So Why Do I Feel So Depressed?

Here’s what you need to do.

Have you recently been feeling depressed but nothing is wrong?

Do you feel like you have everything that you want in your life but still you feel like you are carrying a hundred pound weight on your back, that you have no interest in anything and that all you want to do is sleep?

I am not a doctor but I can tell you that I used to feel that way all the time. I lived with this overwhelming sense of hopelessness and dread. I tried to be a good parent but keeping my energy up was close to impossible. I tried to be a great wife but my irritability prevented that from happening. I had a great job but my performance suffered.

This went on for years. YEARS. I thought that I was managing it…and I was. Until I wasn’t.

One day, when I was 42 years old, I found myself in a closet, banging my head against the wall. I had no idea what was going on.

A friend of mine scooped me up off the floor and took me to see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with clinical depression. He sent me off with some medication and instructions to follow up with a therapist.

That day changed my life.

5 Signs Your Depression Is Getting Serious (And It’s Time To Reach Out For Help)

If you are feeling depressed but nothing is wrong in your life then you too could be clinically depressed. This means that you have a chemical imbalance that causes depressive symptoms without something actually being wrong.

So what do you do if you are feeling depressed but nothing is wrong? I have some suggestions:

1. Ask Yourself a Few Questions.

A good way to get a sense of whether or not you are clinically depressed is to ask yourself some questions:

• Are you living with feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness?
• Are you more irritable than usual?
• Have you lost interest in things that used to make you happy?
• Are you not sleeping as well as you used to?
• Have your sleep patterns changed? Are you spending more time in bed?
• Have your eating patterns changed? Have you lost or gained weight?
• Are you more anxious than you used to be?
• Do you struggle with feelings of worthlessness?
• Do you have a hard time focusing?
• Do you think about committing suicide?
• Do you have new physical problems, like headaches or backaches?

If you answered “yes” to any, or all, of these questions you might be struggling with clinical depression.

2. See Your Primary Care Doctor, Immediately.

If you are feeling depressed and nothing is wrong, it is important that you reach out to your primary care doctor as soon as possible to tell her about your symptoms. Seeking medical help is key to dealing with depression.

Many primary care physicians are knowledgeable about the treatment of depression and can help you with treatment right away. Some primary care doctors might refer you to a psychiatrist who can help you diagnose and manage your depression.

Either way, see a doctor, right away.

3. Stick to Whatever Regimen the Doctor Prescribes.

This is a key part of dealing with clinical depression.

What often happens is that a doctor prescribes a medication to help someone manage their depression and then once they are feeling better they stop taking it. And what happens next? The depression comes back.

So stick to your treatment. Continue to take your meds. Just like you would if your doctor had prescribed meds to help you with a thyroid issue. Or diabetes.

Tips for Taking Care of Yourself When You’re Depressed

4. Surround Yourself With People Who Love You.

Many people who suffer from clinical depression tend to isolate themselves from friends and family. Making the effort to spend time with people and to pretend to enjoy themselves is just too much. So they don’t.

Make an effort to get yourself out there and spend time with people who love you. Spending time with people who make you laugh, who keep you out of your head and make you feel good about yourself is very important to managing your clinical depression.

5. Don’t Be Embarrassed.

Many people who are diagnosed with clinical depression are embarrassed. Embarrassed that they can’t just “suck it up”. That they might have some kind of personal deficiency that makes them weak in the face of this perceived disease.

Let me tell you! You are not weak. You are not lacking something that others have that make it so that you can “suck it up”. You are actually incredibly brave for facing this issue head-on.

Clinical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance — the same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease. Clinical depression is perceived by many in society to be a personal weakness. I mean how can you be depressed if nothing is wrong?

Luckily, more and more people are speaking up about living with mental illness. More and more people, including many famous people, are being honest about living well with their condition and helping to eliminate the stigma of mental illness.

So, join the celebrities. Don’t be embarrassed. Clinical depression is not something that you could have prevented. But it is something that you can deal with.

If you are feeling depressed but nothing is wrong, then you may be struggling with clinical depression.

The best way to deal with it is to get yourself to see your doctor right away and then stick with the medical treatment they prescribe. Also, make sure to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you.

You, like millions of other women, can have a full and happy life living with clinical depression. All you need to do is to pick up the phone and call your doctor.

Do it today!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: What It Means When You’re Feeling Depressed (But Nothing Is Actually Wrong).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2018/01/02/nothings-wrong-so-why-do-i-feel-so-depressed/

The Most Important, Probing Questions to Repeatedly Ask Ourselves

When we sweep our emotions under the rug, they’re invisible to the outside world. But the more emotions we stuff down, the bigger the pile becomes. And eventually it starts seeping out, shaping our relationships with ourselves and with others.

Clinical psychologist Aimee Martinez, Psy.D, uses this analogy with her clients to underscore the power of checking in with ourselves and processing our feelings—something that’s vital to do on a regular basis.

We might not even realize that our emotions are affecting our actions. Suddenly, you snap at your spouse. Suddenly, you yell at your kids. Suddenly, you make a rude remark to a stranger at the store. As psychological assistant Lena Dicken, Psy.D, said, “It has very little to do with what that person said or did, but rather, all the built-up feelings that [we haven’t] dealt with yet.”

We also might not realize that we’re repeating the same behavioral patterns, which aren’t helpful to us at all. Martinez shared this example: You experience breakup after breakup. Initially, the last relationship feels different from the previous one. And yet it isn’t. You find yourself “repeating a pattern and dating someone ‘just like’ [your] father or mother.”

Checking in with ourselves connects us to our needs—and helps us to meet them, said Dicken, founder of Saltwater Sessions. For instance, you realize that you’re feeling overwhelmed about everything you have to do, so you sit down to revise and delegate your tasks. You realize you’re feeling lonely, so you schedule quality time with a close friend. You realize that you’re exhausted, so you make sure to get to bed an hour earlier and say no to additional commitments. You realize you feel disconnected from yourself, so you take a gentle yoga class and start journaling, again.

“Time to reflect is a gift,” said Rebecca Ray, a clinical psychologist, writer and founder of Happi Habits. “It’s the gift of assessing where we are at and the gift of editing what’s not working.” Instead of focusing on external things, like income, weight and Instagram likes, we focus on “how we are doing life,” she said. We focus on important questions: Are we doing what fulfills us? Are we doing what truly matters to us?

One way to explore this is through the following exercise: Imagine that you’re 80 years old, and on your birthday, you begin examining how you’ve lived your life, Ray said. “What do you want to say you focused on? What do you want to say you did with your time? Who do you want that time to be spent with?”

Ray also suggested imagining your closest loved one giving your eulogy. What do you want them to say about you? What do you want them to say about what you stood for? How do you want them to describe you?

Then consider if you’re living in a way that’s consistent with your responses. And if you’re not, consider what you need to change, she said.

Martinez recommended asking: “What am I feeling in this moment?” Sometimes, you won’t know, which is why it can help to start with the location of the feeling. For instance, maybe you feel something in your stomach, chest or head. Describe the sensation you’re experiencing, such as tension, heaviness, shakiness. Next ask yourself: “When have I felt this way before?” “Often experiences occur that can create feelings similar to ones, both positive and painful, we have had previously in our lives.”

Dicken suggested exploring these various questions: “What are the things that light me up inside and make me feel excited? When do I feel the best? How do I prefer to spend my free time? Am I expressing myself clearly and verbalizing my needs and desires? Am I doing work that feels meaningful to me? Am I confident in and do I feel heard in my relationships?”

Asking these kinds of probing questions helps us to better understand ourselves and to build meaningful, fulfilling lives on our own terms. The key is to proceed with curiosity and self-compassion, and without judgment or sky-high expectations, Ray said.

Honor whatever feelings arise. Listen to what’s bothering you, and what’s delighting you. Listen to what you need physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Regularly explore whether you’re living your values—and whether those values are still significant to you. Because this may change. Because you may change. Which is why it’s vital to prioritize the time to self-reflect and return to these questions—or similar questions—and listen. Always listen to yourself. As Dicken said, “Your inner voice and intuition will get more clear the more you listen to it.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2018/01/02/the-most-important-probing-questions-to-repeatedly-ask-ourselves/

Best of Our Blogs: January 2, 2018

Well here it is 2018! How are you feeling?

Before you sign up for that gym membership or get swooped into another round of resolution-making, stop. Take a pause. Breathe. Reflect on who you were in 2017, what you accomplished (even if it was something you consider irrelevant like getting up in the morning and going for a walk), and be grateful for that person and all that he/she did.

We rush so fast to become someone else. We forget and neglect that self-love and acceptance our worthy goals as well. In fact, without them, we can’t get the things we really desire in life. Chasing after weight loss or romance is just another way of saying, I need something to make myself feel worthy. So slow down this year. Grab a mug of something warm and yummy, read our top posts to start 2018 and then carefully plan out what you want to create in the new year.

The Post that Hit A Nerve: Why Unloved Daughters Fall for Narcissists
(Knotted) – Why is this post continue to be so popular? Read it and you’ll discover why people are still reading and sharing it on social media.

3 Powerful New Years Resolutions Specially Designed To Heal Your Emotional Neglect
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – This explains why you struggle with sticking with your resolutions every year.

What Causes Attachment Based Parental Alienation in Narcissistic Relationships?
(The Recovery Expert) – If you’ve wondered why children seem to favor their narcissistic parent and alienate the healthier one, read this.

Is Narcissism Just a Colossal Misunderstanding?
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – For narcissists, it’s a colossal misunderstanding. To you? It’s reality with a narcissist.

20 Quotes for a Mindfully Happy and Healthy New Year!
(Neuroscience & Relationships) – Want happiness in 2018? Let these wise words inspire you to make that happen.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2018/01/02/best-of-our-blogs-january-2-2018/

Gender Oppression in 12-Step Literature

Resistance to changing the gendered text of AA literature places an unfair burden on the many people who want to get sober but feel ostracized by the oppressive language.

Alcoholic Anonymous has a language problem.

Humans are complicated, and 12-step programs do not work for everyone. Substance use disorders do not have a single identifiable cause and there is not a one-size-fits-all treatment. Like most things, treatment options are limited for people who are already marginalized. People of color, especially women and non-cis folks, are at a particular disadvantage when trying to access services. Despite opinions on the usefulness of the program, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and other 12-step programs are frequently the only options for someone who needs help to stop abusing their substance of choice. They’re free and exist all over the world.

AA is the original 12-step program; all others have been based on its literature. Other programs such as Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous all use the same script with the term “alcoholic” replaced with the relevant description. These other 12-step programs tend to utilize AA’s 12 traditions, a set of suggested guidelines to help groups organize themselves. The traditions state that there is one primary purpose for each group and that is “to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.”

There are some who believe if AA doesn’t work it’s because the person isn’t doing the necessary work and that objections to old-fashioned language and sexist stereotypes are something people have to get over. AA members sometimes say, “The language is archaic, but it works as is. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Just because something doesn’t harm you, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t harm others…

Find out more about the current exclusionary language in all-inclusive recovery programs in the original article Gendered Language in 12 Step Programs at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2018/01/01/gender-oppression-in-12-step-literature/

Flexible Boundaries: Affirming Ourselves While Staying Connected

Personal boundaries are often discussed as knowing where we end and others begin. Boundaries define who we are — honoring ourselves as a separate individual with needs and wants that differ from others. Without setting boundaries, we may allow others to trample over us and override own feelings and what’s important to us. We lose our voice; we get lost in their world of desires. Having very weak boundaries, we may get eaten alive by people who are very clear about what they want!

The essential nature of what we call “boundaries” is an external expression of an internal self-affirmation. This requires that we know and affirm what we feel inside and what is important to us.

Before we can set a boundary, we need to know what we’re experiencing. Are we feeling hurt or angry by another’s harsh comment? Do we want to agree to visit our partner’s family for the holidays or would we prefer some other option?

Sometimes what others want from us — perhaps a favor, a date, or visiting with our partner’s friends, feels fine. It can feel good to help someone and make them happy. And we might enjoy it too! At other times, we’re swamped with our own projects or obligations and just don’t have the time — or don’t want to do something that’s likely to make us unhappy.

It often takes some time to get clear about what we want and don’t want. Affirming our needs and wants begins by pausing: going inside and noticing what rings true for us. Psychologist Tara Brach calls this the “sacred pause” — taking time to be present to what we’re experiencing in the moment.

The essence of boundaries is differentiating what we want from what others want from us. Boundaries are an act and expression of self-affirmation. We pause long enough to notice what resonates for us and what doesn’t. If we’re not sure, that’s ok too. There’s no shame in taking our time to get clear about what feels comfortable for us.

Finding a Middle Path

Setting boundaries — expressing our yes, our no, and our maybe, doesn’t means ignoring what others want and indulging our narcissistic tendencies — being oblivious to how we’re affecting others. But neither does it mean habitually shortchanging ourselves — quickly accommodating others without fully considering how that will affect us.

One extreme is to rarely consider what we want — succumbing to a codependent habit of minimizing our own desires and preferences in the interest of pleasing others. Perhaps we crave being liked and avoid disagreements or conflicts to the detriment of our own well-being. Continually bypassing our own needs is a setup to feel resentment and disconnection. Intimacy suffers when we keep ignoring ourselves.

The other extreme is not giving a damn about how we’re affecting people. Perhaps we feel emotionally deprived and compensate by “wearing” our boundaries. Rigid boundaries — ones that are insensitive and mis-attuned to what others want — keep us isolated.

Not knowing how to allow ourselves to be nurtured emotionally, we might be victims of a cycle where we keep craving or demanding things for ourselves — things that don’t really nurture us. Arrogant, aggressive behavior — leading with our “no” can keep us armored and distance us from people. Sadly, we may not recognize how rewarding it can be to listen deeply to people and give them what they need — if we can.

Boundaries can imply something rigid. Sometimes we need to be firm, such as when we’re mistreated or ignored. Most times, we’re better served by having flexible boundaries. We gently hold what we want while also listening to what others feel and want. We have our “no” as a backup, but we engage in dialogue. We remain open to be influenced, but not to the point of dishonoring ourselves. We dance, delight in, and sometimes struggle in the space that lives between ourselves and others.

Finding such a middle path isn’t easy. It takes time, practice, and plentiful mistakes to know our limits and how far we feel comfortable stretching. But engaging in conversations where we have our voice and honor other’s experience, we create a climate for the intimate, loving relationships we long for.

By entering into a collaborative process with people we care about — and even with those we don’t know so well — we maintain good will toward them. And we get to know them better. Being mindful about maintaining flexible boundaries, we create new connections, deepen existing ones, and foster a sense of community. It’s an essential skill to develop if we want to live a fulfilling, connected life.

If you like my article, please consider liking my Facebook page and books below.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2018/01/01/flexible-boundaries-affirming-ourselves-while-staying-connected/

New Year and Its Pressures

At New Year there seems to be a lot of pressure -- to have a good time, to make New Year's eve a perfect night, and then to top it all with a fresh start in life. Does it have to be this way?

Tags: anxiety and stress, meaning, mindful awareness

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life https://counsellingresource.com/features/2018/01/01/new-year/

What to Do When You Work for a Narcissist

A covert narcissistic boss is strategic and dangerous. Don’t be an accessory, be the exception.

You trusted him. You believed him. He is charming, loyal, and honest. So, you thought.

Instead, you were nothing more than a pawn on his chessboard of pain. You were his talented tactician in his highly calculated mind games of manipulation. He used you and did so well.

When you work for someone who spends hours devising elaborate plans to make themselves look good at the expense of others, the stress and anxiety are overwhelming and not conducive to your success.

Your work is impressive and you create value for your clients, but the thought of remaining in such an undesirable situation is too stressful to imagine. The question is, when is it time to move on before it sabotages your career?

“She seemed so genuine and insecure. I believed her and supported her. Just like that, she turned on me and the next thing I knew I was asked to leave the organization. For months, I was set-up to take the fall for anything that went wrong. I was her puppet. How could I be so naive?”

Sound familiar? If so, It’s time to act!

Here are 5 things you need to do if you happen to have a narcissist boss:

1. Accept the Truth.

All the understanding in the world won’t change the situation. The truth is as a narcissist they have an extreme need for personal admiration and completely disregard the feeling of others.

By itself, narcissistic behaviors are complicated, but when a person is a covert narcissist the behavior manifests into strategic, sinister, calculated actions with one purpose; to make themselves look good at the expense others.

These individuals have a hole in their life, a hole so large no amount of pain or suffering they create or inflict will ever fill it. Accept it for what it is and carefully protect yourself with awareness and knowledge.

Recognize Some of the Worst Behaviors of Narcissists

2. Set Boundaries.

My granddaughter pushes boundaries. It’s difficult for her parents but especially hard on her Mimi. At my house, when she doesn’t mind, she is put in timeout. The timeout is standing in the corner with her nose on the flower on the kitchen wall. She doesn’t like it, but it works. She will point to the flower, and say “I don’t like that flower.”

You might not like it, but as I do with my granddaughter, it’s time to set boundaries. Don’t let yourself get sucked into their drama. Don’t let them charm their way into your world. When you create limits, it is liberating and life-changing. Don’t put yourself in timeout. Here are a few responses to help set boundaries:

• “I trust you will make the right decision with…”
• “I know you will handle this situation well…”
• “I am not comfortable with this topic; maybe you should talk to…”
• “I think this is topic would be something the entire team needs to discuss.”

When it comes to boundaries, my friend Mark says it best, “Stay inside the guardrails and you will be safe. It’s when you go outside the guardrails; you can get hurt.”

3. Don’t Engage.

Long emails, which put you on the attack, set them aside and respond carefully. The 1:1 conversations, which are supposed to be about your work, but instead end up being about them, set a time limit and stick to it. How do you do this?

Tell your boss that you value their time and a 1-hour meeting twice a month is plenty of time to discuss your work. Use your calendar to help. Set up other meetings or activities to immediately follow those conversations. To be respectful, it’s essential you honor people’s time. Having another place to go is a great escape.

Get off social media immediately. When your personal life is on social media, it’s a perfect way for them to strategize on how to use it against you. Do it right now. Take a deep breath and unfriend them. Do it! Go ahead and push the button. Doesn’t that feel great?

I know what you’re thinking, “What do I do if they ask me why I unfriended them?” Smile and say, “I’m taking a break from social media. I am much happier when my work life and personal life are kept separate.” Smile, and walk away.

Remember, covert narcissists are rarely extroverted, gregarious, and flamboyant. In fact, their most successful cover is one of silence. Along with their quietness, they also, appear shy and unsupported. They thrive on playing the victim.

When you are bold and forthright, it will surprise them. They are intelligent and will sense a shift in the force, but this will cause them to take a step back to create a new strategy giving you time to plan. You must counteract their behavior with your strategic plan.

Not Sure What’s Going On? 8 Ways to Identify a Covert Narcissist

4. Be Accountable.

You are not someone’s pawn; you are not a victim. You are an individual with choices. With choices comes responsibility for making the right decisions and controlling your responses and actions. Make a choice not to blame but hold yourself accountable.

If you need help, talk to a friend (preferably someone who doesn’t work with you) and ask them to help you. There are also support groups who specialize in assisting individuals with how to deal with narcissistic behavior.

Hire a life coach. They will help you set goals and boundaries. They will role-play and practice your responses and are an objective professional to support your new-found freedom.

5. Act Now.

When someone yells, “Fire,” people pay attention, they start looking for an exit. It’s instinctual. Like signing your name. You act. Dealing with a covert narcissistic boss is no different. You need to act not react. Reacting puts them in a place of power to manipulate. When you act, you’re in control.

If the pain of working in this environment is toxic, it’s time to create your exit strategy. Organizations have emergency procedures for fires and storms; you need an emergency procedure for your life. Transfer to another department, if in debt, create a plan to dig your way out. If it means working two jobs to support yourself or your family, so be it.

A positive environment far outweighs fatigue. In fact, removing yourself from the dangerous, toxic environment could be invigorating.

A covert narcissistic boss is smart, strategic, and dangerous. The only person they care about is themselves. Their life is a series of hit and runs, and they rarely get caught. When you find yourself in this situation, the best thing to do is accept the truth, set boundaries, don’t engage in the drama, be accountable, and act.

Choose to take a stand. Don’t be an accessory, be the exception.

I’ve heard it said, “If you leave, they win. I disagree. Just like a leopard, a covert narcissist can’t change its spots.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Deal When Your Boss Is A Covert Narcissist.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2018/01/01/what-to-do-when-you-work-for-a-narcissist/