Best of Our Blogs: August 3, 2018

One thing that illness and having children has taught me is the importance of letting go.

There’s letting go of control and perfection. There’s the surrendering of expectations. And there is letting go of the way things used to be.

There is surprising joy and freedom in accepting the moment as it is. It takes so much energy to resist what you’re given and can rob you of an unexpected gift.

This week as you read our top posts on narcissists, what keeps your relationship stuck, why trauma is so difficult to recover from, and whether to change or practice self-acceptance, keep this in mind.

When encountering an obstacle you didn’t plan for, try to loosen the reigns of control, and let things be. Staying open will allow possibility, hope and change to flow into your life.

Why Your Relationship May Be Stuck in a Frustrating Tit-for-Tat Pattern
(Love Matters) – You keep fighting about the same things. Here’s how to tell if you’re inability to resolve your issues stem from a deep wound.

What Is Trauma? 9 Things We Fail To Understand
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – If you’re struggling with recovering from trauma and wonder why it’s so difficult to heal, this will explain why it’s so complicated.

How Narcissists Play the Victim and Twist the Story
(Psychology of Self) – These behaviors make being around a narcissist intolerable.

11 Things NOT To Do With Narcissists
(Narcissism Decoded) – Here are the things to remember not to do when interacting with a narcissist.

When to Practice Acceptance: 4 Questions to Ask Yourself
(Mindful Mastery) – Do you need to change or accept yourself? Answer these questions to find out.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-august-3-2018/

11 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships

You never really know someone until you’ve tried to leave them.

Many women who witnessed various forms of physical abuse and domestic violence in their parents’ marriages swear they will never settle for the same kind of treatment in their own relationships.

However, many are so focused on physical forms of abuse that they too often miss the warning signs of emotional abuse, at least, until they find themselves caught in the trap of an emotionally abusive relationship or marriage themselves.

Having set the bar at physical abuse, which is where our society still keeps that bar to a large extent as well, women in these situations often feel that if they aren’t being hit, they aren’t being abused, and they therefore have no right to complain, let along initiate a divorce or breakup.

If you were raised in an environment of abuse, you may feel more comfortable living within a cycle of violence, which includes emotional forms of violence such as threats to your privacy and control of resources, than you realize.

And even if you do realize this and feel certain that you want to get divorced or leave the toxic relationship, abusers have plenty of tricks up their sleeves for making you believe that doing so impossible.

Signs You’re Being Quietly Abused (and Don’t Even Know It)

You can leave, and you should and you will, but before you do, you should know what to look out for so you can be as prepared to deal with it all as well as possible.

Here are 11 signs of emotional abuse in relationships and marriages, and how each may affect you in a divorce or breakup.

1. Withholding Affection.

Withholding affection from a partner is a way to punish the partner and to exercise power and control. This is done intentionally and is sometimes stated to the partner by saying something like, “No kisses until you can be nice again.”

Some partners withhold affection after a disagreement because they don’t feel connected or they don’t feel like offering loving gestures in the moment, but in such cases, the behavior happens only occasionally, rather than on a frequent basis.

2. Threats.

An abuser might threaten to expose you in a way you find embarrassing, or they may threaten to take something important away from you, such as money, your home, or even your own kids.

Some might threaten to leave you if they don’t get their way, or they may say they will tell your friends and/or family something personal about you, which is doubly damaging, as not only are they threatening you, but they are implicitly stating that there is something so wrong with you that you should feel ashamed.

3. Ultimatums.

Ultimatums are really a covert threat, with the abuser placing the blame for “having” to make you decide about something back on you.

The way they see it, the fact that they are giving you a choice through which you can rectify the situation (by doing what they want you to do) is a way in which they are actually being “generous” to you, and that, therefore, all blame for the situation and any possible consequences are entirely your fault.

4. Lack of Respect for Your Privacy.

This is often a subtle sign of emotional abuse. Your partner may check your private messages or voicemails, either by hacking into them or directly insisting you give them the passwords for all of email and social media accounts.

They might even go so far as to insist your share email and social media accounts, so they can analyze everything you do and say.

5. Property Damage.

This skirts the line between physical and emotional abuse. An abusive partner may break or “lose” something they know is meaningful to you as a way to punish you and remind me you of the power they hold over you.

8 Critical Things Loving an Emotional Abuser Teaches You

6. “Magic Tricks.”

Many emotionally abusive behaviors are “magic tricks”, meant to distract you from the reality of the ways in which you are being mistreated, i.e., “Look at this here (so you don’t notice what my other hand is doing there)!”

This might take the form of redirecting blame for their bad acts back to you, starting fights, and firing accusations at you immediately before or after being especially nice and loving, but the sole purpose of all these things is to distract from the abuse that they are subjecting you to repeatedly.

7. Playing the Blame Game.

Partners using power and control in a relationship often aren’t insightful enough to notice the profound effects of their own behavior, nor are likely to ever be willing to taking responsibility for any of it.

Instead, they prefer to blame you, saying things like, “If you just hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have had to act that way in response.”

8. Alienation.

Abusive partners often want to control who you are allowed to have meaningful connections with, and how deep those connections should be allow to run. This means that, over time, you may feel as though you have lost some of your most supportive relationships with friends and family, because your partner didn’t approve.

9. Excessive Gift-Giving.

Some abusers give gifts following a fight as an indication of how much they care about you — or, as a threat reminding you of all their generosity you might lose as a consequence should you choose to leave.

In such cases, you may hear them say things like:

• “Of course I love you. I bought you this ______.”
• “I buy you so many nice things, even though you don’t appreciate anything I do.”
• “Everyone else sees what you have and wishes their spouse was as giving as I am.”
• “If you leave me, you will never have this ______.”

10. Controls of Resources.

Partners may control financial or other resources as a form of punishment or as a way of maintaining control in the relationship, causing you to believe you won’t be able to care for yourself (and your children, if you have them) if you try to leave.

The resources in question aren’t necessarily limited to money. An abuser might limit your access to your car, your cell phone, health insurance, and more.

11. “Micro-Cheating.”

Micro-cheating is considered by some to be ways in which your partner connects with others and hides it from you.

This can take the form of secret messages, code names in their phone’s contact list, going out and refusing to tell you where he’s headed, or giving attention to someone else while withholding attention from you.

You never really know someone until you have divorced them.

Often, we see an even worse side of our partner when we try to leave the relationship. Sometimes divorces and breakups are amicable, however, if you’ve experienced emotional abuse during your marriage or relationship, you can expect these tactics to continue long after you leave.

Leaving partners who are emotionally abusive requires more planning and more support than typical, and it often requires the advice of professionals as well.

If you detect these signs in your relationship, reach out for help from friends, family, a therapist, or a counseling network.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 11 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In Relationships — And How Abusers Try Using Them Against You If You Leave.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-warning-signs-of-emotional-abuse-in-relationships/

3 Challenges That Chip Away at a Couple’s Connection—And What You Can Do

Our connection with our partners waxes and wanes. After all, we regularly get disconnected from ourselves. When you add another person to the mix, along with the many variables of life, it makes sense that on some days you feel incredibly close and connected as a couple, and on other days, you feel worlds apart.

This is normal. And understandable.

Thankfully, it’s also something you can change and improve. Below are three challenges that often chip away at a couple’s connection, along with the practical, concrete things you can do.

Relationship Challenge: Competing Demands

It’s hard to stay connected to your spouse when you’ve got a demanding career—and you never really clock out—and a child or two (or five). As clinical psychologist Silvina Irwin, Ph.D, said, many jobs today, with their mobile/virtual offices, bleed into our personal/family time and space.

So when 6 p.m. hits, one spouse might still be working (or traveling for work), while the other quickly prepares dinner, and possibly eats alone. Or one spouse might be helping the oldest with homework, while the other is doing bath, books and bed with the smaller kids. Which might be followed by more work, and eventually some sleep.

It’s all-too easy to take our relationship and our partner for granted—and to let everything else fill our days.

Irwin suggested setting firm boundaries around work—when possible. For instance, maybe you can put your phone in a drawer in a different room for an hour or two so you can spend uninterrupted time with your spouse. “Even if you don’t respond right away to texts and emails, your brain has received the alert and resources are being dedicated to either suppressing the desire to respond, or to thinking about how/when you are going to respond,” Irwin said. Which takes that attention and resources away from focusing on your spouse.

She also stressed the importance of scheduling sex. Which might sound terribly unromantic. However, research has found that people in long-term relationships who schedule intimate time actually have the most satisfying sex lives. If you wait for spontaneous sex, amid a full schedule, you might be waiting a long while. Plus, spontaneous desire naturally drops after the honeymoon period is over, which is about 6 to 18 months, according to Clinton Power, a clinical relationship counselor and founder of Clinton Power + Associates in Sydney, Australia. He also underscored making sex a priority: “When you think about the top 10 things that you need to prioritize in your week, make sure that having sex is somewhere in that list.” If it’s not, he said, figure out what you can remove, and replace it with.

Other important ways to maintain your connection include talking about how you’re doing (not just what you’re doing) and creating small rituals. Irwin, co-founder of the EFT Resource Center, shared these examples: having a cup of coffee every morning or taking a walk together; waking up early to make love before the kids are up; or snuggling in bed for a bit, whether you go to bed at the same time or not.

Relationship Challenge: Stress

Stress can show up in many forms—financial, familial, professional. And it can make you less resilient, less rational, less patient and more likely to lash out at your spouse. “When stress is not adequately managed by a couple, it can affect the mental, physical, and spiritual health of both partners,” said Power.

He suggested readers work on relieving stress both on their own, and as a couple. For example, participate in anything that has a calming effect on your nervous system, such as attending a yoga class or listening to relaxing music. Then, as a couple, create shared pleasurable experiences, such as: walking in the park, getting coffee at your favorite café, attending a new art exhibit, he said.

Physical gestures also are great. According to Power, you might look into each other’s eyes, touch your partner’s arm or shoulder, hug them when they get home, and hold hands as you’re walking down the street. “All these physical gestures have a soothing effect on your nervous system and will calm the stress response.”

And, of course, it’s important to reflect on the specifics of your stress, and identify potential solutions. Can you do anything about the tough spot you’re in? Can you talk to your supervisor? Can you create a budget? Where can you save? What can you let go of? Where can you simplify? What do you have control over? What can you change?

Relationship Challenge: Avoiding Conflict

Many, many couples avoid conflict. Maybe it’s because they’re afraid to discuss difficult issues. Maybe it’s because they assume avoiding conflict is good for their relationship (“Oh, we never fight!”). But avoiding conflict actually creates more conflict, Power said.

It also becomes problematic when you turn to other people—friends, family, coworkers—to talk about your relationship problems. Many conflict-avoidant couples “mistakenly believe that by offloading to people other than their partner it will help with their difficulties and they won’t have to address them head-on with their partner,” Power said. However, “raising and resolving issues with your primary partner will always be the best way to improve your connection and strengthen your relationship.”

Of course, the key is to fight right. For instance, Power has recommended that conflict-avoidant couples schedule regular “state of the union meetings.” This is when each partner thinks of one or two concerns they’d like to raise (since their last meeting) in a clear and compassionate way. They each take turns listening with empathy to the other person. They don’t interrupt, minimize or criticize. Instead, they summarize and reflect back what they’re hearing to make sure they truly understand their partner’s perspective.

Communicating in this way helps both partners to feel safe and closer and to develop a deeper understanding of each other. After all, we grow, as individuals, as a couple, when we explore and resolve our differences. And we feel more connected when we know that our partner has our back, and they care to take the time and space to really hear us.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-challenges-that-chip-away-at-a-couples-connection-and-what-you-can-do/

Podcast: How Is Depression Expressed in Children and Adolescents?

The rate of depression in children and adolescents continues to grow, leaving many parents clueless on what to do. What is driving this increase? Are things truly different for young people today, compared to twenty or thirty years ago? This episode welcomes a child psychologist to address these issues and more, including: how and why kids today are overloaded with activities, the different ways depression expresses itself in youth versus adults, how to tell when kids are “just being kids” versus dealing with depression, how to recognize the various signs of depression in young people, and how parents can stop feeling like failures.

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Youth Depression Show Highlights:

“Parents often have some kind of intuition that something doesn’t feel right, and because we don’t want to admit that something’s wrong, we’ll override that.” ~ Luana Colman Cook

[3:57]   Are we expecting too much of kids, today?

[5:49]   Why are we overloading children?

[8:03]   How do we slow down?

[17:56] What does depression look like in young people?

[23:40] how can parents tell when kids are depressed, rather than just “kids being kids”?

[29:56] What about parents who think they’re failures?

 

 

About Our Guest

Luana Coloma Cook, PsyD is a licensed psychologist and mother of three who has specialized in supporting youth and families for the past fifteen years. She is an experienced supervisor and trainer of new psychologists, and previously served as the Consortial Director for the Kaiser Permanente Central Valley Consortium Postdoctoral Residency Training Program. She currently works with children, teens, couples, and families in her private practice in Sacramento, California. It is her belief that in order to successfully move through the therapeutic process, the therapist must be open to learning about the perspective of the family and must recognize the strengths and wisdom in each individual and in the family as a whole. Luana utilizes mindfulness and attachment-based therapy to assist with this process. Luana is a certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) and has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT).

 

About The Psych Central Show Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-how-is-depression-expressed-in-children-and-adolescents/

Not Sure If the Relationship Is Working? Answer These 5 Questions

Is his love for you sweet or sour?

Are you in a one-sided relationship with someone you are in love with, but you’re not sure loves you back? Or maybe you’re dating someone who used to seem madly in love with you, and who showed you and told you so every day, but now you’re seeing signs that you might need to let go and you should break up?

It can be just as confusing to know how to tell if a guy likes you as it is to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend, no matter how people you ask for dating advice about it.

And it’s scary when you’re wondering how you’ll ever let go of someone you love, even if he currently has you feeling nothing but the pain of an already broken heart.

Breaking up and letting go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that’s hard to let go of.

Warning Signs You’re in a One-Sided Relationship

So what are the signs you should breakup, and how do you decide when it’s really time to pull the plug and walk away?

Go through this checklist, and see if any or all of these criteria fit your situation. If they do, then perhaps it’s time to let go of your one-sided relationship and move on.

Here are questions to ask yourself in order to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend when you can’t figure out how to tell if he likes you or is stringing you along.

1. Are Your Thoughts Only About Him?

Do you spend much of your waking hours thinking about your man? Do you spend hours stalking him on social media, listening to songs that remind you of him, and trying to figure out ways to run into him?

If the answers to the above questions are “yes”, then you may be experiencing something called obsessive love. Obsessive love is when one person feels an obsessive desire to possess and protect another person with an inability to accept rejection or failure.

Love is a wonderful, giving, open emotion. Obsession is a harsh, angry, destructive one.

So, if the love you feel for you man is obsession, then it’s definitely time to let go. It’s not healthy for either of you.

2. Does He Give You Mixed Messages?

Is your man alternating hot and cold? On some days, does he seem like his loving self and then others he is crabby and distant and no fun to be with?

Unless your man has bipolar disorder, a man who is playing up and down with his woman is a man no longer interested.

If a man wants something, particularly a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get it. If your man only wants you some days and not others then he isn’t making any effort at all to keep you.

So, unless your man is always hot for you, let him go.

3. Does He Have Anything to Offer?

Being with a man who runs hot and cold can be very upsetting. Even worse, but harder to spot, is a man who gives you nothing.

Has your man stopped asking how you are doing? Has he stopped asking you out on dates or bringing home the groceries or including you in activities with his friends? Does he no longer listen when you talk or seem to care at all about what you think?

A man like this is a man who has nothing left to give to the woman he used to love.

Unfortunately, for many women, when they are trying to save a relationship that was once so promising, they become so obsessed with saving it that they don’t notice how little of it still exists.

They will talk more to fill in the silences left by the absence of questions. They will invite themselves along on outings they weren’t invited to. They will plan things that the two of them can do together. As a result, women don’t notice that their man has completely checked out.

So, take a moment and think about your relationship. What has your man done for you lately? If the list is short, then it’s time to let him go.

One Key to Letting Go Is the Strength You’ve Built So Far in Life

4. Does Your History Together Keep Repeating Itself?

Are you and your guy stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almost like they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?

Does your man tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?

If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it’s time to let go.

5. Are You Afraid You’ll Never Love or Be Loved Again?

Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can’t let this guy go because, if you do, you will never love or be loved again?

Do you think about going back on dating apps or do you worry that you might have to attend the family or office Christmas party alone, and feel nothing but dread at the prospect?

If you are feeling this way, then it’s time to let go of your man. If you are staying with your guy because you are worried that there won’t ever be someone else then you are staying with him for the wrong reasons.

There will be another love out there for you, but you will never find him if you’re stuck a relationship that isn’t making you happy.

If you can let go of this one, then you will set yourself up, physically and energetically, to find that person who will love you forever.

You are probably reading this article because you suspect, deep down, that the relationship you are in isn’t the one for you.

But it’s hard to admit this and even harder to let go. However, it is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay hard attention to whether it’s time to let go of a lost love.

Is he treating you well? Is the love you feel for him healthy? Are you worried you will never love again?

Ask yourself these questions and, if the answers fit, be determined to let go of your lost love.

You can do this!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself If It May Be Time To Break Up With Your Boyfriend.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/not-sure-if-the-relationship-is-working-answer-these-5-questions/

7 Strategies for Managing Difficult Life Challenges

It might seem as if nothing good can come out of adversity and uninvited changes, but challenges can also provide valuable learning experiences and act as catalyst for discovering new directions, expanded perspectives, positive developments, a reset of priorities and unexpected openings. Use the toolkit below to recover, rebuild and thrive after life’s hard knocks.  

1. Take Stock of Your Current Situation.

Your plans may have been upended, expectations disappointed, doors closed and options reduced. How has your life been affected? What has changed? What is gone, what is left? What about your inner state? How have your self image and confidence been affected? What are your fears?

Once you face the facts of your situation with clarity and acceptance, you have a solid base from which to map your way forward.

2. Assume Self-Responsibility.

It is natural to feel vulnerable and unsure about how to proceed when things are tough. Often this triggers anger or denial: It should not have happened. Why me? I did not deserve this. You might even get stuck in “analysis paralysis” looking for explanations of why you are so challenged.

There is a crucial choice you need to make that will determine your path forward: dwelling on regrets, blame and wondering or taking the reins for creating a new future. You may have been the victim of external influences, but it does not have to become your whole identity. Remind yourself, if it is to be, it’s up to me. Take action, step out of your comfort zone and trust in your ability to manage your new situation.

3. Focus on Solutions.

Become quite clear about what you can influence, control or what is (currently) beyond your reach. Ask yourself: Given my current situation, what is possible right now? Even if the situation seems full of impossibilities, taking small steps forward will increase your options and invite new developments.

Make decisions, set goals and formulate a plan. Look at the resources you can draw on. Who might support you with advice, aid, frank appraisal, affirmation or affection? What are your internal resources? Life may have knocked you, but surely many strengths, wisdom and experience remain for you to activate. Also consider potential obstacles and make plans for dealing with them.

4. Be Flexible.

Change always involves endings and new beginnings, often with a somewhat turbulent middle zone where the old is not quite finished and the new not yet fully established. These three phases overlap and initially there may be much going back and forth between them.

Progress requires discernment about when to go with the flow and when to take decisive action. Do not be deterred by setbacks, “failure” and roadblocks but be patient when frustrated or things are slow moving. If one approach does not work, try another way. Remember: where there is a will, there (usually) is a way.

5. Tame the Gang Of 3.

Thought, feeling and action form an interlinked triad where each one has an effect on the others. For example, thoughts like, All is lost, I’ll never get over this, will increase feelings of distress and helplessness that lead to stagnation rather than action.

Each part of the triad can be harnessed for your benefit. Taking steps for self-calming will soothe your nerves and clear your head so you can take considered action. Emotions can be settled by challenging your negative automatic thoughts until you find more realistic and life-affirming ones. Taking the initiative will focus your thinking and improve your emotional state.

6. Practice Realistic Optimism.

This kind of optimism contains the expectation of positive outcomes but without illusion or ignorance of their likelihood. It includes a realistic assessment of the situation, the expectation of as good an outcome as possible and trust that you will find a way forward even though it may not be obvious at the moment.

Choose attitudes that support realistic optimism:

• Is the event a total catastrophe or a stumbling block that can be overcome?
• I am wounded but not completely broken.
• I can heal and move on from this.
• I can rebuild my life and redefine who I am
• Other people have experienced something similar and gone on to greater strength and a rewarding life.
• I am worthy of love and good things to come.

7. Be Kind to Yourself.

Faced with unforeseen challenges, tuning into “Radio Triple F” is common. But dwelling on Fears, Flaws and Failure will discourage you and undermine your efforts to cope. There will be times when you feel vulnerable. Not all things will proceed easily and smoothly and not everything you try will succeed. When that happens remind yourself that you now know what does not work and make adjustments.

Athletes use the concept of PB — personal best — and this can apply to yourself as well. Reflect on your own personal best in the circumstances and replace self-criticism with self-acceptance and self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend with kindness, understanding and acceptance. Manage your energies to keep up your strength,  nurture your spirit with true self-love, choose perspectives that encourage positive action, and trust that your resilience will lead you to a rewarding new life.

Find out more in Christiana Star’s new book Recover, Rebuild, Thrive. A practical guide to moving on from difficult life-changes.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-strategies-for-managing-difficult-life-challenges/

5 Steps to Heal from an Addictive Relationship

Six years ago, in the Summer of 2012, my life felt unmanageable. The pain of yet another traumatic break-up with the same man I had been in a relationship with for over 7 years, left me reeling; feeling vulnerable, isolated and alone. I wanted to share my pain, but didn’t want to burden others. I was afraid that my friends and family wouldn’t understand, or worse yet, think I was crazy for continuing a path of no return, repeating a pattern that I couldn’t stop on my own. I was powerless in my addiction to the relationship and I was slowly starting to see that the only way out was through the pain. I needed to fully grieve the relationship and couldn’t do it alone. 

Below are some guidelines to heal from an addictive relationship.

1. Admit you are powerless. Prior to this step, we often deny, manipulate the situation or negotiate with ourselves and others that things will change or get better  “If only…” Once we reach our own “rock bottom”, we can begin to heal. This step can take on many forms but it can manifest as a “break through” of sorts, developing an awareness that things can no longer continue to go on as they had before. This often happens when the pain is too great to repeat the cycle.  To quote Einstein, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”.

2. Get support.  Support may come in the form of a 12 step recovery group; SLAA or CODA are a couple of examples.  These groups are great resources for people suffering in a dysfunctional relationship dynamic. https://slaafws.org/meetings or http://coda.org  

Professional help may also come from Psychotherapy or Counseling with a licensed mental health specialist who is trained and experienced in Codependency and Love Addiction and able to address issues from an attachment perspective. In addition, it is important to identify who in your current support system is helpful and who is harmful to your recovery. Make a list of people you can safely call when you feel alone and need additional support.

3. Feel your feelings. This can be difficult early in recovery because often times, the focus is on what others need, not on what you need. Be gentle with yourself. All of your feelings are valid and deserve equal attention. Whether you feel anger, sadness, loneliness or fear, you will get through this, particularly when you combine this step with steps 1 and 2.  

4. Develop a “No Contact” guideline. The withdrawal phase of recovery is very difficult to work through and many people relapse by contacting the partner they were in relationship with out of loneliness or fear of being alone. This is when we need to remind ourselves that what may be familiar, isn’t always healthy.  This is also why this step is further down the list. Without the other three steps, it will be challenging to get through the withdrawal phase and establish no contact successfully. On the flip side, it would be unwise to enter into a new relationship during the withdrawal phase, as you are still grieving your previous relationship.  Do not shame yourself if you do make contact. Call your safe support people when you feel the urge to communicate with an ex-partner, feel your feelings and understand that this phase is part of the recovery process. It will get easier as you continue to do the work on yourself and heal your pain.

5. Develop a mindfulness practice. One of my favorite things to do that brings me to a place of calm and serenity is walking the neighborhood cemetery, a beautiful historic place that was built in the late 1800s. Strolling the peaceful grounds scattered with tombstones dating as far back as a century or more, I can see beyond my own personal story and into an awareness of the impermanence of this life, sending me a gentle reminder to live fully in each moment.  This may sound a bit morbid to some, but for me, observing fully the surroundings in this cemetery, is like an antidote to my monkey mind. I like to begin with a walking meditation; listening quietly to the birds singing and the wind rustling as the pine trees sway gently back and forth. I enjoy feeling the summer breeze passing over my face. Taking in the sounds and breathing it all in deeply. Sometimes I count the headstones, glancing over the names and years carved into each one, representing a life once lived.  

I like to include the work of Buddhist Psychologist Tara Brach in my mindfulness tool box. She has several guided meditations and podcasts listed on her website that are invaluable. I also recommend the books How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo and When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron as additional resources for spiritual healing.  

I hope that by following these steps, you, too, will find healing from an addictive relationship is possible. Recovery takes time. Be gentle with yourself in this process. And remember, you are not alone.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-steps-to-heal-from-an-addictive-relationship/