Psychology Around the Net: September 1, 2018

Happy September!

Let’s kick it off with the latest on a professor who created a Harry Potter college course to help her students better understand developmental psychology, why it’s so easy for the human brain to hold a grudge, how on-again, off-again relationships cause psychological distress, and more.

This Professor Uses ‘Harry Potter’ in a Magical Way to Teach Psychology: Professor Georgene Troseth of Vanderbilt University discusses how she came to create her college course “Harry Potter and Child Development” and how the course is designed to help students deepen their understanding of the science of developmental psychology — as well as other topics she says “students entering college must grapple with to be successful” such as depression, perfectionism, and tolerance — with the help of Harry, Ron, and Hermione as well as the adults in their lives.

Why Your Brain Can’t Let Go of a Grudge: Experts weigh in on why humans love to hold a grudge — and why it’s so important to let it go.

How to Lose 20 Pounds in 20 Minutes: The Psychology of Clickbait: How is clickbait able to suck us in so easily, so often? It all boils down to synaptic incongruity, confirmation bias, and how easy it is to understand clickbait articles compared to medical jargon.

Why You Should End That On-Again, Off-Again Relationship: You’re probably thinking “Because it’s not healthy, duh,” but “relationship cycling” — yes, falling in and out of love with the same person has a name — drains more of your emotional energy than you know, causing psychological distress and disorientation.

Open Science Is Now the Only Way Forward for Psychology: Over the past several years, things started, well, not going so well in the psychology field. The Diederik Stapel fraud case, the inability to replicate major research findings, and prestigious journals publishing a study claiming psychic powers exist (though, I’m going to leave that one up to your own beliefs…) are just a few examples. However, the community is moving forward in a number of ways including sharing more data and materials, working hard to eliminate bias and “cherry-pick” evidence, and welcoming a new generation of psychologists who believe the field must get its house in order if they expect anyone to want to pursue a career in the field or receive funding.

When God Is Your Only Friend: Religion and the Socially Disconnected: The University of Michigan has released a new study regarding research surrounding, simply put, lonely folks and God. According to the study, people who lack friends and a life purpose turn to God to fill the voids, BUT this doesn’t mean that socially disconnected people are more likely to become religious if they aren’t ready.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-september-1-2018/

10 Ways to Stop Thinking You’re Not ‘Good Enough’

Because yes, actually, you are.

If you’re a man or women who’s bought into our culture’s pervasive, self-harming programming, causing your inner critic to repeatedly tell echo the words, “I’m not good enough,” it’s well past time for you to wake up from that nightmare of negative, self-destructive thinking and focus on learning how to love yourself and practice self-care instead.

In her powerful book, A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson writes:

In our natural state, we are glorious beings. In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisoned, slaves…Our jailer is a three-headed monster; one head our past, one our insecurity, and one our popular culture.

You’ve been brainwashed to go from powerful to powerless, but you don’t have remain stuck in that place.

You may feel ashamed, as though you’re somehow inadequate or bad, and you’re likely full of fear, so you keep looking to others to tell you who to be and what to do, compromising yourself and your needs along the way.

Our culture and your past relationships have hypnotized you to believe that you’re not good enough.

It’s time to stop letting these self-harming thoughts make you feel emotionally and psychologically oppressed. It’s time for a paradigm shift. It’s time to peel away the layers of your false self and to discover, instead, your true self.

The poet Rumi said:

You are more valuable than both heaven and earth. What else can I say? You don’t know your own worth. Do not sell yourself at a ridiculous price.

When you don’t feel good about yourself, you feel that you are being watched and judged, which increases your sense of not feeling good about who you are. This becomes a vicious cycle in which you are constantly under-valued and shamed by both yourself and others

As an emotion, shame is a reflection that you believe yourself to be worthless, damaged, and no good. And when you feel shame on a regular basis, you begin to behave the way you believe others expect you to.

To end this self-harming pattern and stop saying, “I’m not good enough” to yourself, here are 10 ways to refocus your thinking and find the value in loving yourself.

1. Connect Rather Than Compare.

Comparing yourself to others — whether it’s a top model or your co-worker — is a dead-end. When you compare yourself, you feel undervalued and less than.

In order to connect with others, it’s imperative that you first know your strengths and positive qualities. Take some time to take a good look at your characteristics and accomplishments and make a list to fully embrace all that you are.

Connecting with others can come from something as simple as a smile. Be kind, without being submissive.

Conversation is the touchstone of connection. You can actually get to know more about yourself through talking openly with others. The experience of intimacy comes about from conversations.

In fact, the word intimacy comes from the Latin word “intimus”, which means innermost. In order for a relationship to be intimate, there needs to be a sharing and disclosing of your innermost thoughts and feelings.

Don’t agree to things just so that you can avoid conflict and be accepted in the relationship. You can agree to disagree. Everyone has a right to their own perspective and opinion.

2. Have a Dialogue with Your Inner Critic.

Your inner critic is made up of the negative self-talk that you actually heard from childhood and have internalized.

Some common judgments you hear from your inner critic might include:

• “Don’t do that, or people won’t like you and will be upset with you.”
• “You need to work harder.”
• “You’re not smart enough.”
• “You’re not lovable.”

It’s time to have a dialogue with your inner critic and there is no power struggling necessary.

Remember that your inner critic thinks it’s protecting you by keeping you safe and out of trouble and its good intentions have gone awry.

Retrain your inner critic so it shifts into a coach that can challenge you, without putting you down. Remember, if you don’t think you’re enough, you will deprive yourself of opportunities because you don’t think you’re worthy.

When you hear yourself making these negative judgments, catch yourself and change it up to a supportive, positive voice instead.

3. Choose Self-Empowering Language.

When you tell yourself that you “should”, “ought”, or “have to” do, be, or feel something, you are oppressing yourself.

Instead, choose to do what you want to do. It’s much more empowering and you feel the freedom that choice gives you.

4. Break the Habit of Idealizing Your Relationships.

If things are going wrong and you feel like a failure, try shifting your perspective to see the whole picture. Get a reality check about what each of your responsibilities is.

Consider how you may have to rewrite the rules so that you can stand up for yourself in your relationship.

Don’t let yourself be held back in a relationship that invalidates who you are. And, definitely, don’t let yourself be held back in a relationship that minimizes what you’re capable of. Find a community — and a partner — that will support you for who you are.

Finding Happiness When You’re Overwhelmed With Insecurity

5. Stop Over-Identifying with Circumstances.

You are more than your mistakes, your income, and your body type.

For example, if you failed a test, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. If you’re having a hard time finding a job, that doesn’t mean you’re a loser. So don’t let these perceived roadblocks weigh on your feelings of self-worth.

6. Be Authentic.

In his book, How To Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden tells us:

The lies most devastating to our self-esteem are not so much the lies we tell as the lies we live. We live a lie when we misrepresent the reality of our experience or the truth of our being.

Branden confronts us, stating that when you choose to be someone you’re not, you’re doing it because you think the real you is unacceptable. He also offers some questions to help you explore the challenges of being authentic and realizing we’re enough.

In one exercise, he recommends writing somewhere between six to 10 endings for each of several statements regarding being open and honest. Here are a few examples:

• “The hard thing about being honest with myself about what I’m feeling is ___________________________.”
• “The hard thing about being honest with others about my feelings is ___________________________.”
• “If I strived to be true and accurate in my communications ___________________________.”

If you want to have an intimate connection with someone, being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings is necessary.

Being yourself allows the other person to know and appreciate who you truly are. If you withhold your feelings, your relationship cannot be close. Your hesitation at opening up creates a wall between you.

Challenge yourself to say, “I really need to talk about something.”

Remember who you are and express it the world.

7. Practice Being Present.

Being in the present and giving your full attention to yourself and the other creates an optimum environment for your relationship to deepen. Be responsive, not reactive. Allow yourself to receive.

A relationship is never all about one person and getting their approval. Let your relationships be about you, too. A close relationship with someone who truly cares about you actually strengthens your healthy sense of self and self-value.

8. Identify Your Wants and Needs.

Needs are usually something that is important to us, whereas wants are preferences and not quite as important as needs.

Conflict arises when two people want different things. If you don’t feel good enough, you may not value yourself enough to see your wants as important. You may be confused and think that one of your needs is just an unimportant want.

Then, you may dismiss your need as not important enough. So you won’t ask for what you need and you will feel threatened to speak up for yourself because you fear the other will leave you.

9. Love and Accept Yourself.

Unconditional love means you love yourself no matter what. It means you have unconditional worth. Love yourself without judgment.

You are enough. You don’t have to be Super Woman and have to prove yourself and earn love from yourself or anyone else. You are not loved for what you do. You are loved for who you are.

Having good personal boundaries is an effective way of loving and taking care of yourself. Stop seeking validation and approval from others. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

5 Reasons Why It Feels So Darn Hard To Love Yourself Sometimes

10. Practice Self-Care.

When you feel good about who you are and you feel worthy, you naturally take better care of yourself and self-nurturing is the biggest part of self-care.

Take a close look at how you’re living. Are you taking time for the things that bring you joy? Are you eating and moving and feeling healthy and energetic? Are you sleeping enough?

If not, it’s time to make some serious life changes.

Finally, repeat the following statement out loud: “I am enough. I have enough. I am worthy.”

Honor yourself and own your power.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 10 Things You Simply Must Do If You Never Feel ‘Good Enough’ In Relationships.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-ways-to-stop-thinking-youre-not-good-enough/

Rehab Industry Marketing Needs Federal Oversight, Regulation

Despite trying to clean up its act, the addiction treatment industry (also known as the “rehab industry”) remains a cesspool of bad marketing by too many companies to count. In July, industry experts tried to paint a different picture to a U.S. House of Representatives committee, suggesting that self-regulation was possible.

Yet in just a cursory look at some of the big players who are guilty, in my opinion, of deceptive marketing practices, nothing has really changed. And the industry association who believes they can self-police its membership is missing some of the biggest players in its membership, meaning its policies and regulations don’t apply to those who are the most guilty of the problematic marketing behaviors.

The addiction treatment industry is big money, despite the dearth of research showing that the inpatient treatment model for addiction recovery is effective or results in better outcomes than outpatient alone. Because virtually everyone who has health insurance in America has access to their own “free 30 days” of inpatient addiction treatment, the industry is focused on getting as many people through their doors as possible. Sometimes without regard for whether (a) the person actually would benefit from inpatient (vs outpatient) addiction treatment and (b) whether the person even has a bona fide addiction.

Addiction Treatment’s Poor Online Marketing Record

I first noted the significant problems with the addiction treatment system in America back in 2013 (nothing has changed significantly from when I wrote that article). Then in 2016, I analyzed the seedy underbelly of addiction treatment centers’ online marketing efforts. That article was based off an earlier example of how problematic — and purposely misleading — the addiction treatment system’s marketing efforts are.

So has anything really changed in the past 3 or 4 years? Not really.

According to a news report about the Washington committee meeting, “the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers (NAATP) updated its code of ethics for 2018 and began enforcing member compliance on Jan. 1.”

“According to NAATP Executive Director Marvin Ventrell, two dozen organizations comprised of nearly 100 facilities have been excluded from membership this year because they weren’t able to meet the criteria.”

The problem, of course, is that big companies like American Addiction Centers, Inc. and Freedom Healthcare of America LLC aren’t members. So if a company isn’t a member of a professional organization, their rules and ethics don’t apply to them.

And we can immediately see why Freedom Healthcare of America, for instance, wouldn’t want to be a member and follow the Code of Ethics for the industry. This principle is especially problematic for these companies:

B. Deceptive Advertising or Marketing Practices

[…] Banners and borders on websites that utilize a web directory’s call center number, especially when conveying an appearance of being a consultant or independent specialist, are prohibited.

So how do these companies do with their online marketing practices?

Still Actively Deceiving Users

This is what a directory entry on one of Freedom Healthcare of America’s websites, drugrehab.org, looked like just last year:

What’s the most prominent phone number on this page? See the problem there?

Hazelden did too. They got so sick of dealing with deceptive marketing practices of this nature in the industry, they just filed a lawsuit against Freedom Healthcare and another addiction treatment center company, Addiction Enders.

Neither company appears to be a member of the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers trade organization. Meaning there is no sanctions possible from that group.

Today’s version of that same page doesn’t look much better, even with the lawsuit filed:

There’s still just one really prominent number on that page… And it doesn’t belong to Hazelden. But most unsuspecting visitors to this site would never know that. And if you fill out that form right next to Hazelden’s entry? It doesn’t go to Hazelden — it goes to Freedom Healthcare.

Other companies don’t fare much better. Mental Help Net — with its 1.1 million monthly visitors — still throws up its referral number (that refers people to American Addiction Centers’ or their sponsors’ facilities) in a big bold banner that remains at the top of the page no matter what content you are viewing:

To be fair, American Addiction Centers’ main website, rehabs.com, does prominently list other companies’ phone numbers and contact information in their database. But for years, rehabs.com also didn’t prominently display or note that it was owned by American Addiction Centers, likely leading hundreds of thousands of visitors to believe that it was just an independent directory of addiction treatment facilities.

Our shameless friend Sean Callahan, who we featured in our 2016 article, is still apparently running his network of unbranded sites for treatment centers in Florida. While some of the domains we listed in that article have been taken offline, many others remain. A few new ones (to us, anyways) have also been added to his empire.

Needless to say, Sean’s organizations don’t appear to be members of NAATP either. Meaning there is little industry recourse to stop his deceptive marketing practices.

A Federal Solution is Needed

Because of these examples — and trust me when I tell you that this is just the tip of the iceberg — I don’t see any reasonable way that the industry can police itself. Too many players in the industry have demonstrated throughout the years the extent they will go to drive patients to their facilities. While NAATP is a well-meaning organization and their Code of Ethics is a good start, it’s clear it won’t be enough.

Furthermore, NAATP has made it pretty clear they don’t really want to do any heavy-lifting on policing their own ethics code. They suggest people get in touch with the company violating their code first, then try and navigate the bureaucracy of one of the accrediting bodies (lol!), THEN contact their state licensing agency, and THEN contact the Better Business Bureau. Only after you’ve done all of that does NAATP want to take a look at your complaint. This is funny, because both the NAATP and its members know few people have the time, energy, or ability to go through all those steps in order to get a company to stop being unethical in their marketing practices.

That’s why a federal solution is needed. Only an oversight and policing organization like the Federal Communications Commission or the Federal Trade Commission can put a halt to these ongoing deceptive marketing practices by addiction treatment companies. Millions of Americans are being impacted by these practices every year, just to line the pockets of a few company’s owners and shareholders. This has got to stop.

The industry, of course, has only itself to blame. It allowed these deceptive online marketing practices to bloom over many, many years, turning a blind eye to the harm they’ve caused to unsuspecting people looking for objective, independent information about addiction treatment centers. It is far too late to pretend none of that happened or to think that these problematic behaviors are just going to go away on their own.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/rehab-industry-marketing-needs-federal-oversight-regulation/

Finding Playfulness in the Seriousness

I have recently seen videos of social experiments that encouraged adults to find time to play. In one such video, a hopscotch board was drawn on a city street and over the course of the next ten hours of the 1,058 people who walked by, only 129 stopped, if but momentarily, to engage in the playful distraction.

In another video, a man and his friends set up a large ball pit in an urban space to see if adults would take a moment for themselves. He asked people walking by if they were too busy to have fun. Immediate responses focused on the need to return to work - all work, no play. However, several people decided to seize the moment to dive in. A man wearing a perfectly pressed suit threw his briefcase into the pit moments before jumping in. The joy that exuded from those playful moments was priceless.

I am a play therapist, so am fortunate to play for a living. Through play therapy, children can externalize, process, master their struggles and tame inner demons through a variety of expressive mediums. Sessions transform from battles to caring for babies, playing sports, building worlds in the sand, making and eating full course meals, watching puppet shows, drawing, painting, blowing bubbles, and much more. With play, the possibilities are only limited by one’s imagination. It is truly a privilege to see the healing power of play first hand and to make time to experience play myself.

I would guess a vast majority of adults believe that play is primarily reserved for children. Life is stressful and there are a plethora of serious tasks and obligations that we must save our energy for instead of goofing off and spending time playing. Many of us are inundated with a full caseload, meetings, case management, consultation groups or supervision, continuing education, family obligations, and other side projects. We simply do not have time to stop and play hopscotch or jump in the ball pit. It does not mean that we do not want to; there is just not enough time in the day.

Being a psychotherapist is an immensely rewarding, and at times challenging and emotionally draining job. Being a container for so many hurting humans takes its toll on mind and body. We need self-care more than we allow for ourselves. We need to remember that we cannot give so much to so many and very little to ourselves. We must be gentle with ourselves and find time to rest, relax, and replenish.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to be completely immersed in your imagination and fully experience that moment? How can you make more time for playful self-care? When an obligation needs to be removed from our schedules, why is self-care is often the first to go? Because we convince ourselves that we cannot possibly sacrifice anything else on our schedule. As the Zen proverb states, “You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day – unless you’re too busy. Then you should sit for an hour.” This gentle self-care reminder is applicable to time spent playing as well. Foster more moments of joy, laughter, happiness and the liberation play can bring in your lives. The next time we contemplate if we have time in our day to playfully tend to our minds and bodies because we are too jam-packed, we must remind ourselves that these are the moments that we need these experiences the most.
 

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/finding-playfulness-in-the-seriousness

Best of Our Blogs: August 31, 2018

What do you when you come to a fork in the road and you’re not sure what to do next?

You created a pros and cons list, sought advice from friends and family, but you’re no closer to knowing what to do next.

I often think that when we don’t have an answer, we don’t have enough information yet. You might need to spend more time in the unknown, do more research or go somewhere quiet to reflect.

This week’s post may help you make that decision by reading about a common issue-unhealthy relationships.

5 Unhealthy Relationship Patterns Childhood Trauma Sets for Us
(Psychology of Self) – There’s a surprising connection between your behavior and relationship problems.

Toxic Behaviors: 12 Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – He or she drives you crazy. It’s likely they’re pushing your boundaries by doing this.

Four Reasons You Wake Up with a Bad Attitude
(NLP Discoveries) – Wake up on the wrong side of your bed? There could be biological reasons causing your grumpy mood.

Put Your Camera Away! 6 Things to Consider Before You Take Any More Pictures
(Sorting Out Your Life) – See what you’re in danger of when you snap that photo.

How to Reclaim Your Self-Confidence in Codependent Relationships
(Happily Imperfect) – It’s the self-care that’s needed when your worth is dependent on someone else. Read how you can finally begin to release yourself from the chains of codependency.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-august-31-2018/

Are You Happy Being Miserable?

Everyone knows a few people who almost constantly moan and groan, complain and whine. They blame circumstances and concurrent emotions on others and take little responsibility for how they view the world or their role in their own unhappiness. You might live or work with such a person — or even be one.

In a recent conversation with a long-married woman, she divulged that her husband is a chronic complainer — generally finding the dark cloud surrounding the symbolic silver lining. She chalks it up to a childhood in which emotional literacy was discouraged. He comes from a long line of pessimists. It is a challenge for her to maintain her own generally cheerful demeanor as she searches for ways to do an end-run around the roadblocks to his satisfaction with how his life is unfolding.

I recall a sign in one of my places of employment that had a red circle with a line down the middle and the word “whining” in the center to indicate that this was a “no whining zone.”  I do my best to make my mind that type of place as well.

People complain for a few reasons. “We use complaints as icebreakers,” said Clemson University psychology professor Robin Kowalski, PhD, in speaking to WebMD. “We start a conversation with a negative observation because we know that will get us a bigger response than saying something positive would.”

I wonder how that came to be, since I prefer feeling good to feeling disgruntled. It takes its toll on my vitality and ability to function at peak capacity.

One need look no further than social media or the television screen, which are lively platforms where complaints find comforting homes. Complaints can be the glue that bonds people as in cases when groups might come together over a political stance or a needed change, such as repairing a road filled with potholes. If we see others as sharing our views, we are validated and continue our downward spiral. Misery loves company, indeed. Complaining allows us to vent frustration and anger in safe, socially acceptable ways. It’s good to unload rather than lug these feelings around. But complaining can become habitual — or even addictive.

As someone who ‘shows up, stands up and speaks out,’ when I witness injustice being done, I prefer to focus on ways of making positive change rather than demonizing what I don’t like. When I attend vigils and rallies that are pro-peace, I see signs that put down the opposition. As clever as they are, I choose not to focus on that mindset.

Pay attention to your thoughts throughout the day. What’s the first thing that runs through your mind when you wake up: Is it gratitude or worry? Do you imagine what could go wrong? Do you complain about the other people in your life? Before I roll out of bed, I set an intention (the same one I have had for decades) to ‘have an extraordinary day and connect with amazing people.’ Each day I do just that.

Last year, I experience an ocular impediment in the form of a sty in my left eye. Besides being unsightly (no pun intended) with a swollen appearance, it impaired my vision. I have come to accept that physical symptoms are reflective of internal conditions. Instead of bemoaning it, I took the necessary steps to remedy it. Once I could see more clearly psychologically, I could see more clearly physically. Imagine that!

I also don’t want to see myself as limited in any way. In the past few years, a series of health challenges have had me slowing down even as I resist that necessity. I still work out at the gym and did a 5k in September 2017 and in the midst, felt the fear that my breathing would slow me down as it does when I am on the treadmill or walking fast paced uphill. I tend to minimize my challenges since I reason that others have far more severe impediments in their way.

My father used to guide me with the words, “If that’s the worst thing that happens to you, you’ll be okay.”

Mixed message, that one, since while it seems supportive, I internalized the idea that I had nothing to feel badly about… ever.

Another revelation came courtesy of a friend. After listening to me tell her how lately I have felt overwhelmed with people calling on me for support; some with chronic issues for which they saw no resolution and some who tended to “one up”, as in “my problems are worse than anyone else’s”, she pondered whether I had been taking on the energy until my body reacted by attempting to expel it through my eye. Made sense to me. Once I took in that wisdom, my body complied and cleared out the toxins (not wanting to get too graphic in my description, but suffice it to say that it wasn’t pretty) so that the lump is considerably smaller.

Chronic complaining is also a hazard to your health and is considered contagious. Neuronal mirroring is a factor as well. We see each other as reflections of each other, even if we are not conscious of the connection between us. When we are in the midst of those who are “happy being miserable”, it can be equated to the effect of second-hand smoke. We breathe in toxins even if we are not actually puffing away on the cigarette.

Complaints often focus on our “don’t wants”:

• “I don’t want to drink or do drugs, but it’s too hard to get clean.”
• “I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to diet.”
• “I want to quit smoking, but I’m under too much stress to give it up now.”
• “I want to be married, but don’t want to change anything in my current lifestyle.”
• “I want to graduate from college, but don’t really want to do the work involved.”
• “I want my house to be in order, but I don’t want to clean up after myself.”

I am recalling a dynamic that occurs here in the East Coast region of the United States each winter. As temperatures often plunge below zero and many feet of snow accumulate, folks understandably complain about delays and power outages. Those complaints didn’t stop the snow or the temperatures from falling, nor did they make us any warmer. On the flip side, each summer, people focus on the scorching sun and torrential rain. The truth is, the weather is the weather.

Many people take to social media to complain, knowing they’ll always find those who’ll carp along with them. But eventually complaining becomes ingrained and we see diminishing returns. There are certain things beyond our control, such as the weather, traffic and other people’s choices. What if we could change our focus to what’s working — or better yet, to what we can change?

Try these tips to help break the cycle of chronic complaining and retrain your brain:

• Focus on what you can control, such as attitude and actions.
• Evict the invaders in your head that make a mess of your mind.
• Give yourself a pity party pass. Take time to throw a mini-tantrum. When the “party” is over, leave.
• List what’s working in your life. Think of your home, family, friends, romantic relationships, work, creative outlets, health, spirituality, and community. Hold an attitude of gratitude.
• Make a positive change.

In 1981, I spent 10 days hiking, camping and cross-country skiing on an Outward-Bound course. An instructor taught us to be constructive instead of complaining. “If you’re cold, put on a layer of clothes,” he said. “If you’re hot, take off a layer of clothes. If your socks are wet, change them. Out here if your socks freeze, you’ll lose toes.” How often do we stay in “wet socks” when we could put on clean, dry ones?

Finally, remember these wise words from Anthony J. D’Angelo: “If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-you-happy-being-miserable/

The Therapist Speaks: The Benefits of Couples Counseling

There are many reasons why people seek couples counseling. There are also reasons why people don’t seek help with their relationship. You may feel as if the relationship is stagnant or deteriorating, and not know how to move forward. Your relationship may be filled with hurt, contempt, confusion, and sadness. You may feel disconnected from your partner over time, or due to hurtful things your partner has done. Your relationship may have spun out of control to the point where your self-identity has been called into question.

What to do?

Well, there are two paths to take. One calls for you to “stick it out” hoping that things will get better on their own. Perhaps you are afraid of moving from the status quo to one of growth, of change. Perhaps messages from your past tell you to “grin and bear it” and “hang in there” because the alternative might be worse than what you currently experience.  

The other side of the argument calls for action. It comes with the knowledge that things could be better, or at least you need to clarify what’s going on. It may be scary to admit that one’s relationship needs fine-tuning, a major overhaul, or a parting of the ways. Couples counseling may open up wounds that have been festering for a long time. But in the absence of exposing these wounds, healing is not possible. One needs to look at what’s really going to better understand why things have gone awry and what, if anything, can be done to repair or salvage the relationship.

Why Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling is about identifying, clarifying and resolving “core issues” that impede or strangle the relationship. While couples won’t necessarily agree on all issues or see things the same ways, core issues can become so intractable that the relationship becomes undermined.  

Many people mistakenly assume that only couples with serious problems can benefit from couple therapy. No relationship is free of conflict. Couple counseling can benefit all kinds of relationships, regardless of the severity of problems. Tangible benefits include, but are not limited to, improved patterns of communication, increased emotional and physical connection, and development of a life plan.  

The benefits of relationship counseling are endless, and often overlooked by couples in need of this type of therapy. There is still a stigma attached when it comes to couples counseling, and many avoid the issue out of a fear of perhaps embarrassment. Dealing with issues in your relationship on your own will not always solve the problem. There are struggles that only a trained psychotherapist can guide you through to a successful resolution. If you value your relationship and don’t want to lose it, but feel like you’re on the edge of doing so, then reach out to a therapist who specializes in couples counseling.

Your First Couples Therapy Session

What happens in a couples counseling session? Each session is unique and it depends on the style of the therapist. The therapist will build a rapport with both individuals so that they feel comfortable during the therapy session. Unresolved conflicts often stay just that — unresolved — festering inside of both individuals until it leads to anger and resentment. With the help of couples counseling, you can avoid this pitfall in your relationship.

No relationship is perfect and we all know this. Healthy relationships form the cornerstone of our daily interactions as human kind. We enjoy the feelings of love, safety, and security, but to achieve a balance in our relationships there are certain steps we can take so the process is smoother.

We seek relationships for a variety of purposes — safety and security, love and intimacy, to satisfy physical, emotional and spiritual needs, to name a few — and it is through our connections with others that we come to shape not only our view of the world around us, but the way we see ourselves.

Healthy relationships encourage interdependence while supporting personal growth and autonomy. They also place great value in open communication. However, even the most skilled couples and families can experience a breakdown in communication and increased conflict that results in avoidance and withdrawal, mistrust, unbalanced power and control, and an overall lack of patience and empathy.

Issues bringing clients to therapy include, but are not limited to, infidelity, poor communication, money, parenting or co-parenting, work or career issues, lack of physical or emotional intimacy, separation or divorce, caregiver stressors, abusive or other destructive relationships, grief and loss, and life transitions.

If you’re interested in couples counseling for your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist. It may be the best decision you can take to save your relationship from common problems. Don’t let the fear of embarrassment or the shame of “reaching out for help” from a therapist hold you back from achieving the relationship with your loved one that you truly desire.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-therapist-speaks-the-benefits-of-couples-counseling/