Pragmatism and the Healthcare Debate

Opinions abound about healthcare in the United States. But while people with competing ideologies retreat into their corners, people in poverty with mental illness suffer needlessly.

The debate rages over whether or not healthcare is a human right, and we’ve ended up with a patchwork of private providers and public assistance. It seems no one is happy.

For those of us with coverage from an employer it’s still difficult. My family faced open enrollment this month and it took hours, and a spreadsheet, to choose between options. I gave up, poured a bourbon, and sat staring out the window at an early snow, while my wife struggled on until we could make a choice. But we’re still unsure what it’s all going to cost.

Those on coverage through the ACA face each year with wildly different costs and coverage, and the possibility always looms that in the future nothing will be available. Those on Medicaid carefully negotiate income and possibilities that may make them ineligible, and those on Medicare live with the fear that political whims or large budget deficits may change their coverage or what gaps they have to fill.

But it’s much more difficult for those who can’t afford coverage that would take care of the cost of chronic illness, or those who can’t afford coverage at all. Those with lives battered by mental illness often fall into one of three categories: First, if they are working, it’s often in the gig economy where income is unpredictable and benefits are rarely offered. Others are trapped on disability, often with health insurance, but afraid to move into work for fear of losing coverage. Then there are those so sick, so trapped in poverty, often unable to seek or even understand the help that is seldom available. For those people we, as a society, should be making the most effort. But they have no voice or constituency and are left alone to suffer when medical help, if only it were made available, could so readily help them overcome the terror of their illness. Treatment works, but so many have no access to treatment. In our polarized debates over rights and payment, I fear we have left practical reality, and potential solutions, behind.

But questions of rights — and payment — must be settled. While some entrepreneur will surely solve the problem for those who can afford to pay, for those who can’t there may be nothing. Some solutions, like the Medicaid expansion, appear to be working in some states. Some nonprofits have found local ways to help those lost in a complicated and failing system. But a large workable solution to health inequities seems elusive. I sure don’t have the answer, but I fear we may sacrifice proven results on the altar of ideology.

People in poverty with mental illness are suffering unnecessarily. They look to us to stop stonewalling and come together to reach out and offer the help that simple justice demands. We must help them. In the words of Goethe: “Do your duty. What is the duty? The necessity of the day.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/pragmatism-and-the-healthcare-debate/

Common Communication Challenges Women Face—And How to Effectively Navigate Them

Many women face challenges in how we communicate, whether it’s with our partners or our colleagues. The specifics of the situation don’t really matter, but the results are the same: We’re left feeling resentful and frustrated.

For instance, according to relationship specialist Amy Kipp, LMFT, we often have a hard time expressing our needs and asking for them to be met. We fear that we’ll be seen as needy, or we’ll be inconveniencing people, she said. We fear that others will think we’re high-maintenance, said Elizabeth Gillette, LCSW, an attachment-focused therapist, who specializes in working with individuals and couples as their families grow.

And it doesn’t matter whether the request is something small—like asking for a hug—or something big—like asking for a raise, said Kipp, who has a private practice in San Antonio, Texas. It all feels difficult, maybe even impossible.

We also struggle with being direct. We use words like “just,” “only,” and “kind of,” said Cheryl Sexton, LMFT, a psychotherapist in private practice who specializes in working with families and couples in Chandler, Ariz. We minimize our own message, water down our requests, and ask for permission, she said. We might say things like: “I was just calling to check on that deadline” or “Can we talk about that report that was due?”

We tend to start sentences with an apology, Sexton said, such as: “I am sorry, but can I have a minute of your time?” or “I’m sorry to bother you …”

We fear that being direct implies we’re being “’rude,’ ‘career-obsessed,’ or ‘selfish,’ among other [negative] things depending on the context,” said Gillette, founder of Heirloom Counseling in Asheville, N.C.

A lot of this stems from socialization and societal narratives. “While everyone has a different individual experience, girls are typically taught to be nice above all else,” Kipp said. These may be overt lessons by being told to be nice, or it might be subtle: “’Nice’ behavior, rather than bold or direct behavior, is more often rewarded with praise.”

So, as girls, we learn that it’s unacceptable to express ourselves directly, which either prompts us to be passive and cater to everyone else’s needs or to express our needs indirectly in passive-aggressive ways, she said.

(“To be clear, both of those behavior patterns are also present in many men, but for some women it’s an unconscious strategy to continue being perceived as ‘nice.’”)

In fact, Gillette believes that the socialized desire to be seen as nice is the biggest “communication barrier that keeps women from having their fullest, most fulfilling experiences in all areas [of our lives].”

We also learn that in order to maintain relationships or in order to be accepted and loved, we must be very vigilant about not upsetting others, she said. And we learn that women who state their needs are demanding, difficult and dramatic.

So we “dilute or abandon [our] own needs as [we] make the connection with the other person a higher priority. And resentment, frustration, and anger can result—as well as the fact that [our] own needs are likely not going to be met,” Gillette said.

But thankfully communication is a skill. It’s a skill we can learn and practice. It is a skill that gets sharpened over time. And it doesn’t require big, sweeping changes. Below, you’ll find helpful tips along with real-life examples on cultivating clear, confident communication.

Prioritize and name your needs. The most important message Kipp gives to women struggling with direct communication is two-fold: recognize your needs by regularly asking yourself: “What would make me feel best in this situation?”; and know that you always have a right to express your needs.

“In any situation, asking for what you need simplifies the situation for everyone because it puts the expectations clearly on the table,” Kipp said. Which means that you can openly and honestly discuss them.

Because this can be tough, Kipp suggested starting small in everyday conversation. This might look like saying, “I’d prefer to eat at that new Japanese place,” or “Can you help me clean the living room tonight?”

Reflect on how often you soften your communication. As Sexton said, sometimes we’re not even aware that we’re apologizing and using qualifying language, or we don’t realize the frequency. Gillette encourages her clients to check in with themselves about how often they soften their communication in order to seem “nice.”

Aim to be effective (versus nice). For Gillette being effective means making sure that her message is heard clearly. “When I am focused on being ‘nice,’ I tend to garble the message a little bit in hopes to soften how it is received.”

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t be kind and direct, she said. “But when we focus on being nice, what we are really doing is being unclear.”

Gillette shared this example: When she’s being nice, she might say, “Just checking in to see if you got the email about the event next week. I know you are so busy right now (aren’t we all?!), and you have a lot on your plate, so if you aren’t able to accomplish that task, I totally understand. If you are able to get back to me and let me know where you are with everything, I would appreciate it! Thank you so much!”

However, when Gillette is focused on being direct (and kind), she might say, “Hi! I hope you’re doing well. Please let me know when you will be finishing up the project for the event next weekend. Thank you so much!”

Avoid passive speech. According to Sexton, “I would advise women not to use qualifiers or passive speech to make their position seem smaller or less than someone else’s position.”

She shared these examples:

• Instead of “I just wanted to check on that report,” try “I need an update on the report.”
• Instead of “I was only planning something small,” try “I planned an intimate event.”
• Instead of “I kind of wondered what you thought,” or “Does that make sense?” try “I look forward to hearing your feedback.”
• Instead of “I am not an expert, but…” try “I have thought a lot about this and …”

It’s hard to undo many years of socialization. It’s hard to do things differently after many years, too. However, you can start small. And you can regularly remind yourself that it’s OK to have needs, and to express them. Everyone has needs—and this doesn’t make you needy, difficult or demanding. It makes you human.

“By stating your needs, you are being more authentic and genuine than if you were to hide them and wish someone would notice,” Gillette said. Which also means cultivating more authentic and genuine relationships.

And when you’re clear and direct in your communication, whether at home or at the office, you’re creating a more meaningful, fulfilling life, too.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/common-communication-challenges-women-face-and-how-to-effectively-navigate-them/

The Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation for Teens

Life is a lot more complicated for teenagers than most adults give them credit for. Many teenagers are balancing schoolwork with part-time jobs, sports, and an active social life. There are plenty of studies out there that have found teenagers are even more stressed out than adults. And it’s a growing problem.

Statistics show that there is a higher percentage of teenagers who experience stress, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts than in the past. There are many different theories on why this is happening but regardless of the reason, it’s important that teenagers learn ways to effectively handle stress and anxiety. One way they can do this is through mindfulness meditation.

What is mindfulness meditation?

You’re probably familiar with the term meditation, but mindfulness is something many aren’t familiar with. When you practice mindfulness you are purposefully filling your mind with something. You are choosing to focus on something. It could be your breathing, a phrase, a body part, or an image. The important part is that what you are focusing on is something that is going to help you relax along with calming your mind and body.

Mindfulness works because it helps you replace your stressful thoughts and anxiety with something positive. For example, if a teenager is stressed out about an upcoming test at school they may be able to think of little else. That means they may lose sleep over it, have a more difficult time studying, and lose enjoyment in other areas of their life.

Their mind is consumed with the anxiety and stress over the test. You can tell them not to think about it, but that’s easier said than done. If they spend some time practicing mindfulness meditation they purposefully choose something calming to think about. Instead of trying “not” to think about something they purposefully think about something, which is much easier to do.

Here’s another example, if I tell you not to think about a big green elephant with a pink polka dot hat, what are you thinking about? A big green elephant with a pink polka dot hat. But, if you decide to think about a red monkey instead, your mind will think about what you are choosing to focus on. The elephant might try to enter your mind, but you continue to think about the monkey which pushes out the thought of the elephant. That’s mindfulness in a sense.

Why Teenagers Should Learn Mindfulness Meditation

While life is already complicated for teenagers, it’s not going to get easier on its own. High school may feel like a challenge, but what follows tends to be more of a challenge. Students either transition to college or the workforce both of which include new environments, social settings, and responsibilities. Learning how to get stress and anxiety under control as a teenager will help set them up to make these transitions into adult life much smoother and easier than continuing on the path they are on.

Benefits of Mindfulness

• Improved sleep habits – Mindfulness can help students put their minds at rest and get a better night’s sleep.
• Improved attention span – Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis can help students improve their attention span. This helps them to pay attention better in class which can lead to improved grades.
• Reduced levels of anxiety – Learning to turn from negative thoughts and stress help students to lower their anxiety levels.
• Lowers the chance of substance abuse – The Addiction Center reports that some teens with anxiety disorder turn to substances like alcohol and drugs in an effort to numb the stress that they are feeling. When they know healthy ways to handle anxiety, stress, and depression it reduces the chance that they will try to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.
• Helps to regulate emotions – In society, it’s commonly known that teenagers can be more emotional. They are dealing with a new influx of hormones and it can make them feel like they are out of control. When they practice mindfulness they learn how to connect with themselves on a deeper level and gain control of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

How to Teach Your Teen Mindfulness Meditation

There are a few ways to encourage your teen to try practicing mindfulness. The first is to simply talk to them about it and the benefits that it offers. The next is by setting the example. Show them how you use mindfulness meditation in your daily life and talk to them about the impact that it makes on you. If you preach it and don’t practice it, then your teen isn’t likely to practice it either. So, take the time to make this a habit that you incorporate into your daily life. It will set a good example for your teenager and you will experience all the benefits that it offers as well. 

You can also encourage them to use an app. Let’s face it, most teens are more likely to get behind something that includes technology. After all, it’s always been a part of their lives. There are plenty of high-quality apps available to help your teenager learn and practice mindfulness meditation. These apps walk them through the process of what to do and give them prompts along the way. While an app isn’t needed to practice mindfulness meditation it can be a great way to get teens to try it and learn the process. They are more likely to try an app than to sit and listen to you lead them through the process.

Don’t Wait for There to Be a Problem

Preventative measures are always better than waiting until there is a problem. Even if you don’t think that your teenager is dealing with stress, anxiety, or depression you should still teach them how to practice mindfulness meditation. Teens are dealing with more than we think they are, and many teens aren’t going to talk to their parents about what they are going through. So, don’t wait until you know there is a problem to teach them this effective tool that can help them navigate through the difficulties they face. And, if you feel that your teen is struggling, reach out to a local therapist. 

References:

Mental disorders and drug abuse in teens [blog post]. (2018, November 19). Retrieved from https://www.addictioncenter.com/teenage-drug-abuse/co-occurring-disorders/

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-benefits-of-mindfulness-meditation-for-teens/

When a Therapist and Journalist Comes Clean About Her Self-Doubt

As a career therapist since 1979 who decided to traverse a professional writing path beginning a bit less than a decade later, I have blended two of my passions; guiding people on their own journeys and communicating the thoughts that insist on being documented for posterity. Lofty pursuits? Perhaps. Fraught with challenges and responsibility for integrity? Absolutely. Thus, this article.

A week ago, Psych Central published a piece called, “How the President’s Communication Style Is Like That Of An Abusive Parent”. Like much that I write, I couldn’t NOT do it.

Some concepts are ripe for the picking and, with the massive changes that took place after the 2016 election, it would be irresponsible to abstain from framing the feelings that many — some of them clients in my therapy practice — are experiencing.

I was not attempting to diagnose either the president or those who have expressed their distress over the dynamics of their interactions, even at a distance, even if their paths never cross directly. Those for whom the words and actions of the man in the Oval Office trigger traumatic memories, are not weak, not “snowflakes” who need to “suck it up” or “get over it”. They are people in pain whose lives were impacted by others who committed destructive acts and hurled invectives at them.

While I write this, the article has been shared nearly 20,000 times on Facebook alone, which indicates that it struck a chord among readers. Much of the feedback has been positive with both professionals and lay people relating to the concepts relayed. Some of the response has, predictably, cast aspersions on my credentials and political perspective.

I can say that I am not non-biased. I stand firmly on the side of those disenfranchised and endangered. I stand with the health and safety of the planet. I stand for a sustainable future for the next generation. I stand for peace and social justice. If that identifies me as a “libtard”, the term that some readers have hurled in my direction, then so be it…sort of.

And that is where the insecurity arises and the desire to come clean emerges. For many years I was awash in self-doubt about my ability to parlay my credentials (BA in Psychology and MSW-Master of Social Work, LSW-Licensed Social Worker) into successful interventions with clients. I felt responsible, not only for professional and ethical interactions that followed the NASW guidelines, but for outcome. It meant spending copious hours after work, wondering what else I could do to help them feel better, do better, think more positively, and avoid addictive or otherwise self-harming behaviors.

It was when a heart attacked stopped me in my tracks four and a half years ago, on an otherwise normal June day, that I took pause and reconsidered my position and level of responsibility for my clients’ choices and behaviors. At the time, I was working 12-14 hours a day, as a journalist, facilitator and clinician and sleeping five or six hours a night. It took its toll. Every aspect of my life was affected; my physical well-being, my cognition, my relationships, my emotional state. It had me questioning my motivation for what I do.  

I have written about co-dependence and workaholism from the perspective of both a professional and a person who has nearly drowned in each of those deep pools. Both had become addictions that almost ended my life. I say that the woman I was died on 6/12/14 to give birth to the one I am today. She had to die, since she was killing me.

It came to me even more powerful recently, as I have just turned the calendar page, entering into the seventh decade of life that other cognitive concerns have arisen. My busy-buzzy brain is filled with copious amounts of information that is not always easily accessible. I experience what I refer to as “middle-aged moments” or “wise woman moments”, since ideally the older we get, the wiser we become. I may be low on band-width. The problem isn’t storage, it’s retrieval. I use memory cues to recall names and concepts. Google has become an active part of my brain as I am able to quickly access the information I want to share with a client or student.

I have long expressed that I am “functionally manic (not an actual DSM diagnosis), with undiagnosed ADHD”. I sometimes run at the speed of light, attempting to accomplish more in a day than others achieve in a week. When clients encourage me to go home and get some rest, then I know I need to slow my pace. Either that, or I have taught them well about the importance of good self-care. When I am in my office, I sometimes subtly fidget with a smooth stone or feather; both of which I sometimes give to clients as I keep a supply handy as a tool for them for relaxation purposes.

A few years ago, someone expressed concerns on social media that it was inappropriate for me as a professional to admit such vulnerability. It would, in her opinion, diminish my credibility. Once again, that aspect of me who wanted to be perceived as having it all together, felt seismic activity. “What if she’s right? What if clients want a therapist who is supremely self-confident?” It was then that I realized while it might be so for some, what seemed to matter more was authenticity. A real human being who had been through some of the same experiences. Someone who had not only survived loss, pain and challenges, but who has developed coping strategies to help her thrive.

A sister Social Worker, Brene’ Brown, speaks about the importance of authenticity, vulnerability and connection. As I have viewed her YouTube videos over the years, I have expressed a hearty affirmation of all that she says. This is a woman who has crafted a career on that foundation. She has taken it to a level to which people from all walks of life can nod their heads knowingly with ‘me too’ recognition.

To my fellow therapists, I offer an invitation to allow for your own humanization with a full range of emotions and a sense of compassion for yourself that you may never have experienced. It may do you and your clients a world of good.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-a-therapist-and-journalist-comes-clean-about-her-self-doubt/

How to Reduce Mental Clutter That’s Keeping You Stuck

Do these statements sound all-too familiar?

I’m too old for that. I’ve never been good at that. I don’t have the time. I just can’t do it.

They may sound all-too familiar because these kinds of sentences run through your mind any time you want to try something new, any time you have a goal, any time you want to make a change.

Any time, there’s an inkling of “I’d like to try that,” a similar soul-crushing thought pops up, and stomps on your desire before it ever takes flight.

You think you’re simply being rational or realistic. You’re just being sensible and pragmatic—like any responsible, reasonable adult.

But really, you’re keeping yourself stuck. But really, you’re silencing yourself. And there’s no good reason to do that.

The above are examples of limiting beliefs, “beliefs that we hold about ourselves and our circumstances,” according to Natalia van Rikxoort, MSW, ACC, a social worker, therapeutic arts facilitator and life coach who specializes in ADHD and family coaching. And they might be the most common type of mental clutter.

Van Rikxoort likened mental clutter to material clutter: “Just like material clutter, when mental clutter gets in the way, we are unable to navigate around obstacles and identify a clear path toward those things we wish to achieve.”

In other words, mental clutter stops us from pursuing our goals, because we tell ourselves, in all sorts of ways, that they’re clearly impossible.

Another common example of mental clutter is shoulds, said van Rikxoort. I should be more successful by now. I should be more productive. I should know how to do that.

“The problem is, by saying we should or shouldn’t do something, we are basically telling ourselves that we are failing to meet some standard that is usually self-imposed,” she said. And there’s nothing motivating or inspiring about that.

We feel defeated before we ever even start.

A third type of mental clutter is jam-packed schedules and extraneous tasks. This is when our minds are crammed with thoughts about our endless responsibilities and demands—responsibilities and demands which we’ve piled onto our already too noisy, too busy to-do lists. We feel like an overstuffed closet. One more box or item, and the whole thing will come crashing down—and out.

So what can you do about all this clutter?

Below, van Rikxoort shared five powerful, simple and totally doable suggestions.

Question your beliefs. Your beliefs don’t speak to some ultimate, significant truth. Which means that it’s critical to question them—and to do so from a curious and compassionate place. (Try not to judge or criticize yourself.)

As van Rikxoort said, “Is it really true that you don’t have time to devote to a hobby, or are you focusing too much of your time and energy on less meaningful activities? Are you really too old to go back to college, or are there plenty of real-world examples of people who have reinvented themselves later in life?”

Identify the first feasible step. And it’s totally fine if that step is tiny. Teeny tiny. Van Rikxoort shared this example: You’d like to start your own business, but you keep telling yourself that you don’t have the money. Sure, maybe you don’t have extra finances right now. But it doesn’t cost anything to research how others in similar fields started their businesses.

In other words, “Take some time to think about what you can do to make progress toward your goal, no matter how small the step may seem,” van Rikxoort said.

It doesn’t matter how fast or slow our progress is, when we work on our goals, they become more meaningful, she said. And you might uncover options you didn’t even know were available to you, she said. That is, maybe you don’t need much money after all to start your dream business.

Shift those shoulds. Van Rikxoort suggested changing “should” to “want” or “would like.” For instance, “I should know how to do that” turns into “I want to know how to do that,” or “I’d like to know how to do that.”

After making the switch, double-check with yourself that this is actually something you’d like. Do you really want to learn how to do that? Does it genuinely interest you?

If the answer is yes, then use that phrasing from now on. “By making this small change, you are shifting your focus from failure to action,” van Rikxoort said. “Rather than moving away from what you don’t want, you’ll be in a position to take steps toward what you do.” 

Know your values and yourself well. It’s very easy to let meaningless or less meaningful activities, tasks and commitments creep into your life when you’re confused or unsure about what’s essential to you. Which is why van Rikxoort has her clients complete various inventories about their needs and values.

She suggested readers think about what you need to feel fulfilled (e.g., I need to feel productive, I need to be creative). To identify your values, she said, think about what you enjoy doing, and what is important to you. “For example, if you enjoy taking trips with your kids, then one of your values might be family connection.”

Knowing this information makes it much easier to filter out distractions and to say no. Van Rikxoort shared these additional examples: Once a week you skip making a home-cooked meal and get takeout so you can enjoy a fun movie night with your family. During the week, you get up 30 minutes earlier to work on your writing.

Change beliefs that don’t serve you. Adjusting your beliefs isn’t about adopting some blind optimism, van Rikxoort said. Rather, it’s about shifting your perspective: “Instead of saying, ‘I’ll never be any good at this,’ ask yourself, ‘What can I do to get better?’”

The key is to make challenges or bumps into opportunities, she said. “When you feel stuck, ask yourself: “What are my options? What can I do differently? What resources are available to me? What’s the next step?”

“The best way to combat mental clutter is to become more mindful of what we are telling ourselves and where we are spending our precious time and energy,” van Rikxoort said. And make yourself and your goals a priority, she said. Which also means considering the wide array of possibilities that are absolutely and realistically available to you.

And that’s a fact.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-reduce-mental-clutter-thats-keeping-you-stuck/

Psychology Around the Net: December 1, 2018

This week’s Psychology Around the Net takes a look at what you should ask yourself before you forgive someone, whether or not the #MeToo movement could hurt women’s health care, a new mental health care facility located in a Walmart, and more.

Should I Forgive Him? Should I Forgive Her? Here’s What You Should Ask Yourself First: Forgiveness is often more about yourself than it is the person you’re forgiving (or not forgiving), and because of that, you might accidentally create a “problem” that doesn’t require forgiveness.

Could #MeToo Hurt Women’s Health Care? University of Tennessee law professor Glenn Reynolds, referring to preliminary research by Dr. Sarah Perman of the University of Colorado School of Medicine, is sure to get a conversation going with this provocative question.

Stuck in a Loop of Wrongness: Brain Study Shows Roots of OCD: A new analysis of brain scans of hundreds of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and people who don’t have OCD might help professionals begin understanding what drives those with OCD to do what they do and find more effective treatment, as the scans pinpoint brain areas and processes that are linked to the repetitive behaviors associated with OCD.

Mental Health Clinic Opens Inside a Walmart in Texas: Many Walmart locations have some type of health-related retail space — such as vision care and pharmacies — but is a Walmart — or any retail location — an appropriate setting for mental health care? We, and Beacon Health Options, a behavioral health services company, are about to find out.

National Anti-Smoking Campaign Helps Smokers with Mental Health Conditions Try to Quit: Back in 2016, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention launched “Tips from Former Smokers,” an anti-smoking mass media campaign. One of the ads features Rebecca, a real person who agreed to speak about her struggles with depression and tobacco use. After survey analysis, researchers found that there was a greater intention to quit, and higher rates of quit attempts, among individuals who had more exposure to Rebecca’s commercials.

How Culture Shapes Your Mind — and Your Mental Illness: Because culture plays such a huge role in shaping who we are, it makes sense that plays a role in shaping our manifestations of stress, emotions, and mental disorders. Modern psychology and psychiatry is even messier than most of us realize.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-december-1-2018/

Top Brain-Based Habits to Elevate Your Relationships

Relationships are crucial to having a healthy and caring life with those who you value the most. Enhancing interpersonal skill has proven effective in reducing anxiety, depression, and stress. It can also improve both business success and marital satisfaction. 

In world-renowned psychiatrist Dr. Daniel G. Amen’s latest book, Feel Better Fast and Make It Last, he introduces techniques from research in the field of interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT). The acronym RELATING, as outlined below, will help you remember the essential relationship habits that will help you live a more fulfilling life with your loved ones.

• R is for Responsibility. Responsibility is not about blame. It is about your ability to respond to whatever situation you are in. What can you do today to make your relationships better? You win more in relationships when you ask yourself this question and stay away from blaming others.
• E is for Empathy. Developing empathy involves a number of important skills, including mirroring, treating others in a way you would like to be treated, and being able to get outside of yourself.
• L is for Listening (and clear communication). Poor communication is at the core of many relationship problems. Jumping to conclusions, trying to read minds, and needing to be right are only a few traits that doom communication. Too often in relationships we have expectations and certain hopes and fears that we never explicitly communicate to our partners or colleagues. Clear communication is essential if relationships are to be mutually satisfying.
• A is for Assertiveness. Assertiveness involves standing up for one’s rights without infringing upon those of others, whereas aggression involves the use of verbal and nonverbal noxious stimuli to maintain rights.

• T is for Time. Relationships require actual, physical time. In this era of commuting, traffic, two-working-parent households, email, the Internet, television, and video games, we have seriously diminished the time we have with the people in our lives. Being present in the moment with your spouse, friend, or colleague can help make the other person feel appreciated and secure.
• I is for Inquiring. Ask yourself what thoughts are repeatedly going through your mind, and then consider how accurate they might be. Often, when we tell ourselves little lies about other people, it puts unnecessary wedges between us and them. Relationships require accurate thinking in order to thrive. Whenever you feel sad, mad, or nervous in relationships, check out your thoughts. If there are automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) or lies, stomp them out.
• N is for Noticing what you like, a lot more than what you don’t like. This is one of the secrets to having great relationships. Paying attention to what you like encourages more of that behavior.
• G is for Grace (and Forgiveness). One of the most famous prayers in history commands us to forgive others if we ourselves want to be forgiven. Forgiveness is powerful medicine. Holding on to grudges, past slights, and hurts, even if they are small, increases stress hormones that negatively impact our moods, immunity, and overall health.

Additionally, Dr. Amen discusses in more detail the strategies that can be utilized to enhance one’s ability to connect and communicate efficiently:

• Ask yourself if you are taking Responsibility in your relationships: “How can I respond in a positive, helpful way?”
• Practice empathy. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
• In conversations, listen and practice good communication skills.
• Be assertive. Say what you mean and stick up for what you believe is right in a calm, clear, and kind way.
• Spend time together. Remember that actual, physical time with others is critical to healthy relationships.
• Inquire into the negative thoughts that make you suffer in a relationship and decide if they’re objectively true.
• Notice what you like in the behavior of those around you more than you notice (and complain about) what you don’t like.
• Give the altruistic gift of grace and forgiveness whenever you can.

Dr. Amen spent most of his career studying the brain’s response to stimuli, as well as the brain’s intimate connection to our relationships — with our self and others. Our lives — and our brains — can benefit by making our strongest relationships in life count the most.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/top-brain-based-habits-to-elevate-your-relationships/