The Masculinity Trap: A Science-Based Response to the APA Guidelines

Andrew was a 13-year-old boy who walked into my counseling office with a lot of issues. He had been diagnosed with a learning disorder and ADD, and his parents felt he might be depressed. Like many male clients, he would quickly decide if I as his potential counselor knew how to work with him as a male. If I did not, he would start trying to leave therapy in a few weeks or less.

After normal intake, the first thing we did together was walk outside, talking shoulder-to-shoulder. Because the male brain is often cerebellum-dependent (it often needs physical movement) in order to connect words to feelings and memories, we sat down only after our walk was finished. By then, a great deal had happened emotionally for Andrew.

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Once in our chairs, we talked with a ball in hand, tossing it back and forth, like fathers often do with children. This cerebellum and spatial involvement help the male brain move neuro-transmission between the limbic system and frontal lobe, where word centers are. We also used visual images, including video games, to trigger emotion centers, and we discussed manhood and masculinity a great deal, since Andrew, like every boy, yearns for mentoring in the human ontology of how to be a man.

I’ve seen hundreds of girls and women in my therapy practice. Few of them needed walking, physical movement and visual-spatial stimulation to help access memories, emotions, and feelings because most girls are better able to access words-for-feelings than boys and men are while sitting still. Girls and women have language centers on both sides of the brain connected to memory, emotion, and sensorial data, while the male brain mainly has word centers and word-feeling connectivity on the left side.

Without our realizing it over the last fifty years, we’ve set up counseling and psychological services for girls and women. “Come into my office,” we say kindly. “Sit down. Tell me how you feel/felt.” Boys and men fail out of counseling and therapy because we have not taught our psychologists and therapists about the male and female brain. Only 15% of new counselors are male. Clients in therapy skew almost 80% female–males are dragged in by moms or spouses, but generally find an environment unequipped for the nature of males.

Male nature, the male brain, and the need to contextualize boyhood into an important masculine journey to manhood are missing from the American Psychological Association’s new “Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men.” While the document calls attention to male developmental needs and crises in our culture, which I celebrate as a researcher and practitioner in the field, it then falls into an ideological swamp.

Males, we are told, are born with dominion created by their inherent privilege; females (and males) are victims of this male privilege. The authors go further to discuss what they see as the main problem facing males—too much masculinity. They call it the root of all or most male issues including suicide, early death, depression, substance abuse, family breakups, school failure, and violence. They claim that fewer males than females seek out therapy or stay in therapy and health services because of “masculinity.” Never is the skewed female-friendly mental health environment discussed. The assumption that all systems skew in favor of males, not females, is so deeply entrenched in our culture today, the APA never has to prove it.

Perhaps most worrisome, the APA should be a science-based organization, but its guidelines lack hard science. Daniel Amen, Ruben and Raquel Gur, Tracey Shors, Louanne Brizendine, Sandra Witelson, Richard Haier, Laurie Allen, and the hundreds of scientists worldwide who use brain scan technology to understand male/female brain difference do not appear in the new Guidelines. Practitioners like myself and Leonard Sax, MD, PhD, who have conducted multiple studies in the practical application of neuroscience to male nurturance in schools, homes, and communities are not included.

Included are mainly socio-psychologists who push the idea that boys and men are socialized into “masculinities” that destroy male development. Stephanie Pappas on the APA website sums up the APA’s enemy; “Traditional masculinity—marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance, and aggression—is, on the whole, harmful.” Our job as therapists, the authors teach, should be to remove all but the ideologically sound “masculinities” from boys and men, and specifically remove masculinities that involve competition, aggression, strength, and power.

How much longer can our society and its professionals pretend we are developing a saner society by condemning the very parts of males that help them succeed, heal, and grow? In the same way that it is misogynistic to claim femininity is inherently flawed, it is misandrist to claim that masculinity is also thus.

And it is just plain wrong. Stoicism, aggression, self-reliance, and strength are helpful to human growth, healing, and self-development. Steven Pinker recently made this point when he asked the APA to revise its Guidelines, and put to rest “the folk theory that masculine stoicism is harmful.” And, a new study published in January 2019 in Psychology of Men and Masculinities, echoes Pinker, showing that boys and men who adhere to masculine training do better in life, are happier, and become better husbands, fathers, and partners.

I am an example: I was a sexual abuse victim in my boyhood, and a very sensitive boy. My ten years of healing from the abuse came as much from tapping into masculine strength as it did from expanding my sense of self in the 1970s toward the feminine. Both are good; neither is zero-sum, but I could not have healed without the very masculinity Pappas finds suspect.

Part of the problem with the APA guidelines is that, from a neuroscience point of view, masculinity is not as limited as Pappas’ assessment would have us believe. Masculinity is a social construct made of biological material, an amalgam of nature, nurture, and culture that forms an ontology in which a male of any race, creed, or ethnicity commits to developing and exercising strength, perseverance, work, love, honor, compassion, responsibility, character, service, and self-sacrifice.

What professional in the psychology field would not want to embolden these characteristics? Most fathers and mothers would want counselors to embolden them because, as the APA authors themselves point out (somewhat unaware, I think, of their self-contradiction), fathering and mentoring boys in masculine development has been proven among the most important determinants of child safety, school success, and emotional and physical health.

Not the erasure of masculinity but the accomplishment of it is required if we are to save our sons from the crises outlined in the APA guidelines. Without counselors and parents understanding how to raise and protect brain-based masculine development, boys like Andrew drift in and out of video games, depression, substances, half-love, and, often, violence.

As all of us in our profession know, the most dangerous males in the world are not those who feel powerful but, rather, those who feel powerless. “Toxic masculinity” is a convenient academic avenue for condemning males who search for strength, healing, and love by conflating things bad men do with an ontology that is necessary for human survival and thriving.

The masculine journey is not perfect and expanding what “masculine,” “male power,” and “man” mean to a given family and person is a point well made by the APA authors, but trying to hook mental health professionals into this ideological trinity of false ideas—

*masculinity is the problem, always on the verge of toxicity
*males do not need nurturing in male-specific ways because men have it all in society anyway; and
*masculinity is not an ontology, a way of healthy being, but a form of oppression,

—ignores one of the primary reasons for the existence of our psychology profession: not just to help girls, women, and everyone on the gender spectrum be empowered and find themselves, but also to help boys and men find their strength, their purpose, and their success in what will be, for them, a complex male and masculine journey through an increasingly difficult lifespan.


Sources

Amen, D.G., et.al., “Women Have More Active Brains Than Men." August 7, 2017 Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease

Halpern, D.F., et.al., “The Science of Sex Differences in Science and Mathematics.” Psychological Science in the Public Interest. August 8, 2007

Burman, D., et.al., "Sex Differences in Neural Processing of Language Among Children." March 2007. Neuropsychologia

Benedict Carey, “Need Therapy: A Good Man Is Hard to Find.” New York Times. May 21,2011

APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men

Stephanie Pappas, “APA issues first-ever guidelines for practice with men and boys.” APA Monitor. January 2019

Steven Pinker. Male Psychology: What is Wrong with APA’s Masculinity Guidelines.

Psychology of Men and Masculinities

Coalition to Create a White House Council on Boys and Men’s meta-study

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/the-masculinity-trap-a-science-based-response-to-the-apa-guidelines

Losing a Pet Can Be Just as Hard as Losing a Loved One

Losing a pet is not easy for most people. Pets — or what researchers call companion animals — are most often seen as a fellow member of the family today. It is not surprising then to learn that most people grieve a pet’s passing as much, and sometimes even more, than the passing of a human friend or family member.

What makes the passing of a pet so hard? How can we better cope with it?

Some people think that it’s silly to grieve over the loss of a pet. Those people either never had much of an attachment to any pet, never had one growing up as a child, or never really experienced the unconditional love and affection that only an animal can provide.

Whether they died from illness, an accident, or had to be euthanized, losing a cat, dog, or other beloved animal is a traumatic event. Even if the death was expected due to old age, the loss of their constant companionship is hard to put into words. It’s like a large hole is in your heart, and nothing in this world will ever be good enough to fill it as your lost pet did.

Having our companion euthanized can be especially difficult, even when we know it’s time and it’s for the best to end their pain and suffering. In a study conducted by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania (Quackenbush & Glickman, 1984), it was discovered that individuals were at the greatest distress and at greatest risk for experiencing extreme grief when having had to euthanize their pet.

Sadly, many people don’t understand pet loss and the value that pets hold in a person’s life. This can greatly add to a pet owner’s grief. Instead of being comforted and listened to by friends or family (what psychologists refer to as validation), the person is told “It was just a dog (or cat), get over it” or “I’m not sure why you miss that cat (or dog) so much.” These kinds of uninentionally hurtful comments can add to a person’s burden of grief (Messam & Hart, 2019).

The researchers also note:

Feeling guilty often is a component of the grief, especially if the owner is conflicted about a decision for euthanasia, or feels that appropriate care was not provided. Grief for an animal, though becoming more socially accepted, remains somewhat disenfranchised. For example, time off work is typically not an option.

What You Can Do to Feel Better After Pet Loss

The loss of a furry loved one is rarely easy. But there are some things you can do during and after the loss. It appears that having to euthanize our loved one brings special difficulties. Being actively involved in the decision process of ending a pet’s life, however, can often be helpful, allowing a person to take comfort in their passing.

While some people report becoming distressed by reminders of their deceased — such as cat/dog toys, bowls, and leashes — others take comfort in them. If they are causing you additional distress by seeing them, put them away somewhere out of sight for a time. You don’t have to get rid of them just yet, but there’s no point in having them bring reminders of painful memories or sadness.

The Rainbow Bridge is a popular theme in pet loss because it suggests that we will all meet again in the afterlife. This is a source of great comfort, knowing that we can reunite with a loved one after we too have passed.

Feelings of guilt often accompany euthanasia. It is a heavy burden to bear deciding when to end another being’s life. These feelings are perfectly natural. But please know that you ended your pet’s life because it was their time. You put an end to a time where they were suffering and likely in some sort of pain or distress. There was no hope for recovery or further treatment that would provide both quantity of life, and more importantly, quality of life.

Your pet appreciated all that you did for them, and all the love you bestowed upon them. They got as much as they gave, and lived a life full of knowing they were appreciated and cared for by you. It was a relationship that benefited them as much as it did you.

Many pet owners feel as their furry loved ones are like surrogate children. When put into this context, it is completely understandable why the loss of a pet can be so devastating. Losing a source of non-judgmental, unconditional love in a person’s life is usually extremely difficult, no matter the source of that love. While many people don’t understand this, pet owners nearly always do.

Many people find comfort in memorialization of their pet (Messam & Hart, 2019). These kinds of activities can include having a funeral or wake for the pet (either privately, or with close, trusted friends and family). Some like to create an online photo gallery, print photos, or even create a scrapbook or photo collage. Some find comfort in cremating a pet and keeping their ashes in a memorial box with the engraving of their pet’s name on top.

Grief coping strategies for pet loss often starts with reading pet loss bereavement articles (whether it be a book or online)(Messam & Hart, 2019). Additional coping strategies include writing letters or blogs to the pet, interacting with other animals (such as at shelters), joining a pet loss support group online or Facebook, and keeping busy with routines, seeing friends, and volunteering. In extreme cases of loss, it is not uncommon for a person to seek out grief therapy from a mental health professional.

How Long Will My Grief Last?

Nobody can say for certain how long your grief will last. The feelings of loss and sadness are very individualistic, and so can vary widely. In one small study of 82 people who had lost their pet, “25% took between 3 and 12 months to accept the loss of their pet, 50% between 12 and 19 months, and 25% took between 2 and 6 years, to recover” (Messam & Hart, 2019).

As you can see, there is a wide gulf in the range of time it can take to fully recover from losing your pet. This is a reminder that grief takes as long as it takes to fully experience. There is nothing you can do to speed up the process, or feel it more fully. It comes when it comes and lasts as long as it needs to.

You will get over the loss of your pet. But you will never forget the love and times you shared together. Someday, you may even feel ready to open your heart up again to another furry or feathered friend. Our hearts are large enough to welcome much love into our lives, throughout our lives.

I hope your burden during this trying time is not too heavy. Please remember and known, you are not alone and you will get through this.

 

For further reading…

Grieving the Loss of a Pet

Why We Grieve So Intensely for Our Pets

On Mourning the Death of a Pet

 

References

Messam, LLM & Hart, LA. (2019). Persons Experiencing Prolonged Grief After the Loss of a Pet. In Clinician’s Guide to Treating Companion Animal Issues, 267-280.

Quackenbush, J. E., & Glickman, L. (1984). Helping people adjust to the death of a pet. Health
and Social Work, 9, 42–48.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/losing-a-pet-can-be-just-as-hard-as-losing-a-loved-one/

Exercise: Don’t Forget to Make Amends to Your Body

In a world where nothing is in my control and living with a head that constantly tells me I’m not doing enough, exercising every day makes me feel like I’ve checked a box.

Last year, my mom fell and broke her hip. During the surgery, she had a mild heart attack and a pulmonary embolism. Since that fall, she’s become wheelchair bound and has started showing the signs of early dementia. She’s now in assisted living, being bathed by caretakers. On the other hand, my father has a girlfriend, writes screenplays, teaches kids to read, swims, and delivers food to the elderly (even though he is the elderly). My parents are the same age: 81.

What could cause such a difference in their physical states?

Exercise. My dad always exercised while mom was very sedentary.

The Dreaded E-Word

I know, the dreaded “E” word. I take after my mom in this area: I’ve never been an athlete, I pretended I was sick for most high school P.E. classes, and I’m extraordinarily uncoordinated. I hate group classes and I loathe tight name-brand exercise gear. Gyms scare the shit out of me and I have no idea what I’m doing.

But two years after my break up, I was still considerably underweight and what little muscle I’d had was long gone. I could pass in clothes as modelesque but naked I could have been a dummy for an osteology class. (“And here, students, you can see the sternum and entire rib cage…”) I was eating, but stress (about work, life, my mom) kept me from putting on any real weight.

And then boom. Out of the blue, I’m contacted by Doug Bopst to ask if I’d like to be interviewed for his new book, The Heart of Recovery, coming out March 12th. Sure, I lied. What does Doug happen to do? He’s a fucking trainer! Doug kicked opioids and lost 50 pounds in jail through—you know it—exercise.

“When we stop using drugs, we have to replace them with healthy coping mechanisms,” Doug says. “Fitness is a great tool and should be a staple in everyone’s recovery.”

He took pity on me and started training me via Skype (he’s in Maryland and I’m in LA). He also sent me a list of foods I should eat. Sometimes deliveries randomly showed up at my door. Over the next year my living room became littered with resistance bands, a stability ball, dumbbells, a yoga mat. I was living in a mini 24-Hour Fitness but with a cat.

At the beginning, I complained. A lot. He ignored me. I constantly wanted to skip days (and we were only training three times a week) because I was “tired” or “depressed.”

“I train machines, not wussies,” he’d say, knowing it would motivate me.

“Fuck you!” I’d text back. “See you at 5!”

It’s almost a year later and now I insist we train everyday…

Find out how Amy is doing now, almost a year after starting her exercise training, in the original article Exercise: Making Amends to Your Body at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/exercise-dont-forget-to-make-amends-to-your-body/

The Power of Creativity in Helping Us to (Kind of) Cope

The intensity of Maureen “Marzi” Wilson’s anxiety varies day to day. Some days, it’s a “mild uneasiness,” a nagging feeling that she’s forgotten something important. “Other days, it’s closer to terror, a horrible premonition that something catastrophic is imminent,” she said.

The outward expression varies, too. Sometimes, she fidgets. Other times, she’s “sitting in the corner of a closet wrapped in a blanket.” Because “some days are harder than others,” she said.

Wilson has been struggling with anxiety since she was a teen. Several years ago, she was trying to figure out the best way to cope with her anxiety, which prompted her to start creating illustrations online. She’d also taken a personality quiz, and discovered that she’s an introvert. She wanted to understand more about her introversion and her anxiety.

As she writes in her insightful, inspiring, funny, poignant book Kind of Coping: An Illustrated Look at Life with Anxiety, “I’d assumed that my limited social circle and my preference for solitude were due solely to anxiety. But it turns out I’m an introvert who has anxiety. And I became committed to understanding what that means.”

Wilson created a doodle named “Marzi,” who’s trying to figure out how to navigate life as an introvert who also struggles with anxiety at IntrovertDoodles.com.

For Wilson, creating these illustrations helps her to express her “fears and hopes in a therapeutic way.” “It “enables me to make sense of my feelings. Writing and drawing help to clarify my intentions, and that makes it easier to follow through on my goals,” she said.

That’s the thing about creating and making: It helps us to better understand who we are. It helps us to unravel our many layers, and brings us closer to our core. And, ultimately, it helps us to cope with our struggles, whether those struggles are around having anxiety or depression, losing a loved one, or dealing with a painful situation (or all of the above).

Wilson noted that releasing our thoughts “onto paper or canvas [can keep] them from taking up space in your head.” And that can provide meaningful relief—and insight. When we use creativity as a tool to work through our thoughts, feelings and challenges, we can make sense of our inner turmoil, and even soothe it. We can get to its root. And we acknowledge, name and honor our experience, which is a powerful way to care for and bolster our well-being.

Here are five ways you can use creativity to explore and cope with whatever you’re struggling with.

Describe the details. In Kind of Coping, Wilson illustrates what it’s like to live with anxiety on a regular basis. For instance, in one illustration, she notes that anxiety is problems with prioritizing (“I don’t know what to do first!”), and thinking that every decision you make is wrong. It’s “bodily mutiny,” with headaches, insomnia, muscle tension, nausea, shaking, sweating and exhaustion. It’s irrational thoughts: “Nobody likes me,” “I’m a failure,” “Something terrible is going to happen,” “I’m so stupid,” “I’m not safe.” It’s “messy moods,” such as overwhelmed and irritable and afraid and detached.

Spend some time identifying the details of your struggle. Then draw these details. You might create a comic like Wilson. Or you might think about the different creative outlets you enjoyed as a child—making up stories, drawing animals, keeping a diary, dancing—and use those to explore and name the specifics of your struggle and situation.

Paint the whirl of emotions. Focus solely on your feelings. How are you feeling right now? Channel those feelings into a painting, letting them dictate the colors you use and what you create. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed, so you splash paint onto your paper, and move it around with your hands. Maybe you decide to depict what your depression feels like during the course of a day using different shapes. Maybe you decide to paint your grief in its messy, multilayered stages.

Write about the quality of your feelings. It can be hard to put into words precisely what we’re feeling. In Writing for Emotional Balance: A Guided Journal to Help You Manage Overwhelming Emotions, psychologist Beth Jacobs, Ph.D, notes that “Emotions can blend together like watercolors, and a physical sensation such as a knot in your stomach can indicate a variety of feelings ranging from excited anticipation to anxiety to fear or rage.” Which is why she suggests exploring the qualities of our feelings with these sentences:

• If this feeling was a color, it would be ….
• If this feeling was weather, it would be ….
• If this feeling was a landscape, it would be ….
• It this feeling was music, it would be ….
• It this feeling was one object, it would be ….

Create a conversation. Write out a conversation between you and whatever you’re struggling with. Maybe that’s a conversation between you and your anxiety. Maybe it’s a conversation between you and a mistake you made. Maybe it’s a conversation between you and a trait of yours, which you’ve been disappointed about (e.g., your shyness, your sensitivity, your introversion). 

Use your genuine curiosity to delve deeper. What do you want to know about this situation, this illness, this challenge, this trait? You might ask questions like: What do you want to tell me? What are you trying to teach me? Why? What do you need right now? What are you really upset about? What’s on your mind? How can we become a team? 

Use creativity for encouragement. At the end of Kind of Coping, Wilson features an illustration of the many reasons to keep going: the blooming of a plant you grew, clean sheets, constellations, the first sip of coffee in the morning and the sparkling of grass with early morning dew.

Consider drawing your own reasons to keep going, seemingly small reasons that put a smile on your face or soothe your soul. Or think of another way you can use your creativity to encourage, support and uplift yourself. Maybe you write yourself a letter or a poem. Maybe you snap photos of everyone and everything you love, and create a collage or a small, tangible album. You can keep it with you, and look through it any time you need some comfort and a reminder of all the beauty and love that surrounds you. Or maybe you create something else that gives you hope, like this other illustration from Wilson’s book:

Creativity is just one way we can cope. For instance, Wilson’s comics complement her other coping strategies: She sees a therapist once a week, takes medication, practices self-care and stress management, and uses cognitive techniques for redirecting anxious thoughts. She also bakes, sews and skates, which are hobbies, she said, that are calming and provide a sense of purpose. Plus, “lots of puppy cuddles” help, too.

Through her illustrations, Wilson said that she’s lucky to have found an incredibly supportive community on Instagram (@introvertdoodles). “The most beautiful part of this journey for me has been realizing that I’m not as alone or as weird as I thought I was…I’m not the only one learning out how to (kind of) cope, and neither are you! It’s something we can figure out together.”

And that’s another powerful benefit of creativity: connecting over our shared humanity. Or, in short, kinship.

All images are from Kind of Coping: An Illustrated Look at Life with Anxiety. 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-power-of-creativity-in-helping-us-to-kind-of-cope/

Best of Our Blogs: February 26, 2019

The Power of Enough

As in enough noise, enough talking, enough stuff, enough arguing, enough hurting, enough criticism.

You don’t need the best one. You don’t need to be the best parent. You don’t need the most likes or followers.

What you have, and who you are are good enough.

In a world that’s constantly shouting at you to get more, do more and be better, it’s a necessary reminder. Put it as an alarm on your phone or on a post-it. The people who want you to believe you’re not enough want something from you and you don’t need to give them your power.

Remember you don’t need external things to be enough. You already are. For additional support, check out our top posts this week on what you really need to be happy, what love is not and what you need to do to stop choosing the wrong partner.

6 Things Adults With Childhood Emotional Neglect Need to be Happy
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – According to this, the things you think will make you happy and the things that will actually bring you happiness are very different things.

11 Lies about Love
(The Exhausted Woman) – You’ve heard that, “Love is kind,” but is it what you really believe? Here are the truth that surfaces when conflict arises in your relationship.

How Childhood Trauma Teaches Us to Dissociate
(Psychology of Self) – Dissociation can occur with migraines and in nightmares. Learn the relationship between trauma and dissociation and what it actually feels like.

Dysfunction Interrupted- How to Stop Choosing the Wrong Person
(Dysfunction Interrupted) – Here’s a checklist to avoid getting in another dysfunctional relationship.

Are Friendships Psychologically Healthier than Romantic Relationships?
(Single at Heart) – Did you ever wonder why meeting new friends is easier than meeting a potential romantic partner? Here’s how you can use it to your advantage when meeting someone new.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-february-26-2019/

Secrets, Shame & Mental Health

An interesting study published in the journal Emotion this month examines different types of secrets and how we feel about them. In particular, the researchers concentrated on secrets based on feeling shame as well as those rooted in guilt.

Michael Slepian, PhD, of Columbia University was the lead author of the study and clarified the difference between shame and guilt, the two most studied self-conscious emotions. While basic emotions such as anger and fear refer to something outside of oneself, guilt and shame focus directly on the self.

Feelings that correlate with shame about a secret include feeling worthless, small and/or powerless. Guilt, on the other hand, stirs up feelings of remorse, tension or regret. According to Slepian, secrets about one’s mental health, traumatic experiences or unhappiness with one’s physical appearance tend to evoke shame. Hurting someone, lying to another person or violating someone’s trust induce more guilt.

While almost all of us keep some secrets, we don’t necessarily realize how harmful they can be to our health, well-being, and relationships. What Slepian and his colleagues found is that people who feel shame are more likely to obsess about their secrets than those who feel guilt. Those who feel shame often think about their secrets constantly.

The study involved 1,000 survey participants who were asked a series of questions about secrets they’ve kept, with many of the questions designed to measure shame and guilt. The participants were also asked about the number of times they concealed their secret over the last month. Interestingly, hiding a secret did not seem to relate to either shame or guilt, but rather how often the person interacted with whomever he or she was keeping the secret from.

What I find most concerning (though not surprising) about this study is that secrets about our mental health typically evoke shame. Of course, this is one of the many complicated reasons why those suffering from brain disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, trichotillomania, eating disorders — to name only a few — do not seek help. They feel shame and they are embarrassed.

In addition to living with the actual symptoms of these disorders, people with mental health issues might also spend their days hiding their illnesses. This only compounds their problems, not to mention how mentally and physically exhausting it can be.

In this article, the author, a therapist, discusses four hidden ways that people try to defend themselves against shame:

1. Defensiveness
2. Perfectionism
3. Apologizing
4. Procrastination

The article goes on to say that being mindful of the shame we feel is the first step toward acceptance and healing. Hiding shame only gives it more power, so we need to learn how to bring this often-distressing emotion out into the open. A good therapist can help us recognize how our shame manifests itself, and how we can best move past it.

In regards to shame and our mental health, I think the most helpful thing we can all do is to talk about our issues. I realize this is often easier said than done, but I’ve never come across anyone who has regretted taking this path. The more we open up, the more we can reduce the stigma associated with brain disorders — and the less they will be associated with shame.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/secrets-shame-mental-health/

4 Strategies to Foster Self-Compassion

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ Quote often attributed to Buddha

Nurturing self-compassion is by far the most difficult part of my recovery from depression because the self-hater is loudest when my mood dips, charging me to try harder, be tougher, and comparing my raw insides with other people’s smooth outsides.

Kristin Neff, Ph.D., self-compassion expert and associate professor of human development at the University of Texas in Austin found in her research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they will become self-indulgent. “They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line,” she writes in her book Self-Compassion. “Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”

In the last six months I have realized how far I have to go in this area of self-acceptance and self-compassion and have been trying new strategies to begin loving myself. Here are some steps that have helped me start the journey.

See Your Own Goodness

For those of us who carry heavy baggage from our childhood, a massive impediment to self-compassion is the belief that we are innately bad. In her book Radical Acceptance, clinical psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach, PhD, writes:

Especially when things seem to be falling apart—we lose a job, suffer a serious injury, become estranged from a loved one—our lives can become painfully bound by the experience that something is wrong with us. We buy into the belief that we are fundamentally flawed, bad and undeserving of love…. The Buddha taught, however, that no matter how lost in delusion we might be, our essence, our Buddha nature, is pure and undefiled. Tibetan meditation master Chogyam Trungpa writes, “… every human being has a basic nature of goodness.” Basic goodness is the radiance of our Buddha nature—it is our intrinsic wakefulness and love.

I convert Brach’s insight to the Christian tradition and tell myself that I am a child of God and that is enough. I am a human BEING, not a human DOING, and therefore just existing on this planet is enough. God created me, therefore I am innately good and don’t have to prove myself to anyone.

Let Others Be Your Peacemaker

In those moments that you are unable to believe in your innate goodness, you need to simply believe others when they tell you that you are good. You have to trust their assessment of your character and let their judgments become your own. I have had to do that during my worst depressive episodes. I remember one time, especially, when a friend loved me unconditionally during a downward spiral, reminding me almost daily that I was a beautiful child of God and that was enough. He essentially served as my “Peacemaker,” as in the beautiful Iroquois Indian tale.

The Peacemaker came to a village where a chief known as “The Man-Who-Kills-and-Eats-People” had just slaughtered his enemies, cut them into pieces, and was cooking them in a massive pot. The Peacemaker climbed to the top of the wigwam and looked down through the smokehole, his face reflected in the grease on the pot. The chief saw the reflection and thought it was his own. Moved by his peaceful demeanor, he said to his tribe, “I shall never again destroy or consume an enemy, for I have discovered my true face. I have found out who I am.” The Peacemaker then embraced the chief and called him “Hiawatha” (the name of one of the greatest Iroquois leaders).

We all need friends and family members who can serve as our Peacemaker, who can convince us of our goodness until we can believe it for ourselves. Physician and author Rachel Naomi Remen said it best: “One moment of unconditional love may call into question a lifetime of feeling unworthy and invalidate it.”

Embrace Your Imperfections

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing,” says Anna Quindlen, “is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

For perfectionists, self-compassion is tough because there is always something we aren’t doing quite right. Brene Brown, PhD, writes in The Gifts of Imperfection that perfectionism is “often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis. Life-paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect.”

The antidote, then, is learning healthy vulnerability—acknowledging that shame, judgment, blame, fear are universal experiences and trying to become more loving and compassionate with ourselves as we wade through those experiences. “Shame resilience,” she explains, “is the ability to recognize shame, to move through it constructively while maintaining worthiness and authenticity, and to ultimately develop more courage, compassion, and connection as a result of our experience.”

Lean Into the Sharp Points

We embrace our imperfections by first identifying our familiar patterns of thought and behavior that drive us toward panic, depression, self-loathing—by becoming aware in all moments of the narratives we weave about ourselves and others—and by making friends with our demons. In her book When Things Fall Apart, Buddhist nun Pema Chodron describes the path toward maitri (loving-kindness toward oneself) as one in which we develop a fearless compassionate attitude toward our own pain and that of others and inviting in what we want to avoid. Her teacher, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, called it “leaning into the sharp points.” It’s a process of learning how to catch ourselves, compassionately, in those shaky moments of uncertainty. Chodron writes:

To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior.

I agree with Chodron that the most substantial obstacle to self-compassion is fear. Therefore, the path to loving ourselves more completely involves learning how to process fear in a way that doesn’t destroy, but gently instructs. By doing the counterintuitive thing of leaning into the sharp points, we ironically free ourselves from the chains of self-hatred and can be who we were created to be.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-strategies-to-foster-self-compassion/