Our Daughter Uses Screens for 3.5 Hours Every Day And We’re Okay with That

When I read the title of this piece back to myself, even I think, “Oh dear, that seems like a lot!” The thing is, my husband and I are usually pretty strict with our daughter’s screen time, previously allowing just 20 minutes on each weekday, and a few hours on the weekend.

We aren’t in the business of judging other parents’ decisions, but for us, we noticed early on that there was a connection between the amount of screen time our daughter had and how difficult her behavior could be for us to manage. So in our family, screen time became limited, and after a short while we even became TV-free, although we did still use laptops, tablets, and smartphones.

According to a 2017 report by the Royal Children’s Hospital Melbourne, “Screen time and kids: what’s happening in our homes”, the average Australian primary school student spends 31.5 hours every week using screens, which equates to 4.5 hours each day. This does include “educational use” … but if our daughter’s screen use is anything to go by, it’s not really for any educational benefit that children like to use screens.

In our daughter’s case, her main reasons for using screens are to:

• Stay connected with friends and family
• Watch TV programs and movies
• Play games, and
• Listen to music.

The thing is, her reasons aren’t really much different to what we like to use screens for — it’s just that as adults we have a little more self-control, and also know more about the negative impact of screen use in terms of physical and mental health. Our daughter is only 9 years old though, and we can’t expect her to make decisions and behave like an adult, even if that would make our lives easier!

So, given what we know about screens, why would we suddenly allow our daughter so much access to them?

1. It’s school holidays, and like many families we tend to relax the rules a little, with later bed times, more junk food, and more screen time
2. Although our daughter isn’t an adult, we figured it probably was time for her to learn more about screens, and why we usually place limits on their use at home, and
3. We figured this could be a great opportunity to include our daughter in some age-appropriate decision-making about something that affects her, and maybe if she was part of the decision-making, she might be more willing to ‘stick to the rules’.

The funny thing is, we’re now on day 3 of the new screen-time regime, and it’s been wonderfully successful so far. There really is value in actively including children in decision-making when possible and appropriate, which perhaps shouldn’t be considered so amazing, given that they are people in their own right, just a little smaller!

So how did we arrive at 3.5 hours a day? Basically, we just sat down with our daughter and let her know that we were willing to renegotiate the screen-time rules for the school holidays, and we worked it out together. Truly, it wasn’t a lot more complicated than that.

We started by acknowledging how much she enjoys using screens, and we reminisced about our own childhoods, and the many hours spent watching television, talking on the phone, and often doing both at the same time – You see, our daughter isn’t really much different from us at the same age, she just has more choice, and the screens have become smaller and handheld.

Then, we let our daughter know why we get so concerned about screen use in our family, that is, how it can affect our brains, emotions, behaviour, and relationships, if we’re not careful.

After ‘setting the scene’, we then encouraged our daughter to think about the different devices we have, what she liked to do with each device, and what she thought would be appropriate in terms of time and usage. The funny thing is, instead of complaining or stating that this activity was boring or dumb, our daughter took it really seriously, and spent a good 30 minutes writing notes, drawing charts, and then presenting her ‘good copy’ for consideration.

To be fair, it did need a little re-working, but in the end we had an agreement that she is really proud of – we know this, because she excitedly stuck it on the fridge in ‘prime position’ and shows it to her friends when they visit!

Here is the agreement:

• 1 hour of iPod Touch
• 1 hour of iPad
• 1.5 hours of laptop
• Unlimited iPod Mini (audio music on this device only)
• One screen at a time, and
• All screen time between 10am – 7pm only.

Pretty good, hey?

So, if you’re struggling to place or maintain screen-time limits in your family, perhaps consider the value in making an agreement together. You might even find yourself happily agreeing to many more hours than you ever thought possible! And yes, in case you’re wondering, in a couple of weeks’ time when school is back, we’ll probably need to revisit this agreement. In the meantime, we’re thoroughly enjoying our daughter’s new found self-control and determination, and wonder what else we might be able to ‘re-negotiate’ …

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/our-daughter-uses-screens-for-3-5-hours-every-day-and-were-okay-with-that/

The Nitty on Being Gritty: What It Really Takes To Reach Your Goals

Grit is a term made popular by Angela Duckworth from the University of Pennsylvania. She has launched a conversation about the relationship between grit, the tendency to maintain interest and effort in long-term goals, and self-control — what it takes to stay focused in the presence of temptations or diversions.

Her exceptional research has earned her the MacArthur Fellowship in 2013, perhaps one of the most prestigious awards given. In fact, it is commonly nicknamed the ‘Genius Grant.’ Following this honor, her book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, was an instant New York Times bestseller.

Duckworth and her colleague devised a measure of grit and self-control that predicted successful outcomes in different situations better than other measures such as standardized testing. Grit scores predicted final ranking in the Scripps National Spelling Bee and graduation from Chicago public schools. Additionally, she found measures of self-control are better predictors than IQ of both report card grades and improvement in these grades.

But grit and self-control aren’t just for children, Duckworth also found grit scores at West Point Military Academy predicted final rankings. These are important findings because much of psychology focused on IQ and other academic scores in the scramble to understand success. The emphasis on non-intellectual factors like grit is a game changer. It puts the spotlight on one’s character as a central feature of developing skills over the long haul. If you would like to get a measure of your grittiness you can go to Angela Duckworth’s site at the University of Pennsylvania here and get a measure of it free.

But there is more to this character trait grit than just pushing through to a goal. “Authentic grit”, a term coined by Caroline Adams Miller in her book Getting Grit: The Evidence-Based Approach to Cultivating Passion, Perseverance and Purpose, adds an important dimension. Her view of authentic grit is that it must be a force for good if it is to be interpreted as something positive. This adds an important distinction. The raw determination elements of passion and perseverance could be applied to someone like Hitler. She argues that this is an important difference if grit is to have a positive connotation.

She focuses on identifying the foundations of using passion to fuel one’s purpose and activation of happier emotions to facilitate success. The passion though, is of a particular type. She argues for harmonious passion as opposed to obsessive passion. These distinctions, between harmonious and obsessive, are drawn from the research of Canadian, Bob Vallerand. He identifies the harmonious type emerging from an activity engaged in because it is fulfilling on its own. In contrast, obsessive passion comes from focusing on an external goal only, such as pleasing someone else or beating the competition.  Concerning happiness and success Caroline Adams Miller  points out that most of us have put the cart before the horse — believing success will lead to happiness. She argues that the research points to something different. We don’t get happy because we succeed — we succeed because we are happy first.

The details of authentic grit draw from many different tributaries including the development of positive relationships, self-confidence, humility, self-regulation habits, and the cultivation of patience. Angela Duckworth has said of Caroline Adams Miller that “…no one knows more about how to apply the scientific research on grit and achievement to our own lives.” If you are looking for practical applications toward goal setting and cultivation of authentic grit you should check out this book.  It is like having a series of powerful coaching sessions with the author.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-nitty-on-being-gritty-what-it-really-takes-to-reach-your-goals/

9 Ways to Use Art to Practice Self-Care

For artist Stephanie Medford self-care is vital. And it’s much more than manicures, massages and bubble baths. For Medford, who struggles with anxiety, self-care is getting over 8 hours of sleep each night. It’s meditating. It’s moving her body and being in nature.

It’s also art.

In fact, art is the foundation of her self-care.

“I have always had a desire to create, to express myself, to make things, and when I finally started to act on that desire and make art a priority, I started to feel like I was saying ‘yes’ to myself for the first time,” said Medford, also a writer and teacher with a mission to help people who have lost touch with their creativity find their way back to their creative selves.

“I wasn’t trying to make myself into something that I wasn’t, I was finally embracing who I was and what I wanted and giving it space in the world.”

Medford also uses art to explore her anxiety. This helps her to “feel less like a passive victim of my brain, and more like an active participant shaping what effect it will have on my life.”

Art, in general, is powerful for practicing self-care. Because it connects us to ourselves on a profound level. It helps us to listen to ourselves. It helps us pick up on subtleties and patterns. “It can show us our pain in a heartbeat; and it also can give us clues to what we are needing, and what direction to take in the present moment,” said Natalie Foster, LAMFT, ATR, an intuitive mentor and registered art therapist who sees families at Integrative Art Therapy in Phoenix, and adults at True Self Institute in Scottsdale.

Below, Medford and Foster share the different ways we can use art to practice self-care.

Collage your emotions. Self-care includes acknowledging, honoring and holding space for our emotions. When Medford is stuck on a difficult emotion, she creates a collage about it using old magazines and found papers. She looks for images, colors and shapes that express how she’s feeling. It’s a quick and messy process. Which is the point: These collages “are more about processing the feeling than making ‘art.’”

Play with clay. “Clay is a very kinesthetic and grounding media that helps us feel in control when things are not so orderly in the ongoings of our lives,” Foster said. Crayola makes an air-dry clay, or you can get non-drying modeling clay and store it in an air-tight container, she said.

Draw your mood daily. Medford has a journal that contains pages with 2 x 2 inch squares. Every day she fills in one square expressing her mood that morning. “A big part of working through my anxiety is noticing how it feels in my body, and what images and colors it brings to mind,” Medford said. “Paying close attention to my experience, and drawing what I find, helps me to take some of the power away from the feelings and gives it back to me and my creativity.”

Look without looking. Draw a loved one, or something in your environment, such as a car or tree, without looking at your notebook, Foster said. Make your drawing realistic or make it weird or abstract. When you’re done, use pastels or watercolors to fill it in.

“This exercise helps us to let go of outcomes and become less attached. It might be uncomfortable at first but practice compassion for yourself and keep going.” After all, self-care is self-compassion.

Tell your story. Foster suggested creating an altered book. For instance, every day or once a week, you decorate the pages in any way you like. You might include important mementos or personal photos. “Over time the right story will come out—whether it’s your whole life story, or the story of your growth in the past year.”

Practice mindful drawing. Medford has recently started this series: She picks a photograph of a complex natural subject, such as a close-up of tree bark, and tries to draw the details as accurately as possible. She uses her own photos, or Googles what she wants to draw (like “gooseneck barnacles”).

“I intentionally choose images that bring up feelings of resistance and overwhelm, with the goal to work through those emotions.” She sets a timer for 15-minute intervals, and keeps her pen moving the entire time.

“As thoughts and feelings come up, I acknowledge them, show them compassion, take deep breaths and open space for them. But I don’t let them stop me from drawing. I’m improving my drawing skills, but more importantly I’m training my mindfulness and compassion muscles.”

Explore what you’re creating—and letting go. One of Foster’s favorite ways to connect to herself and her needs is to make art about what she’s creating and what she’s letting go. “As humans, we are constantly evolving,” and art can help us take a closer, deeper look at our personal evolution. For instance, you might explore letting go of a relationship or belief. You might explore creating a new habit.

You can create any kind of art: “Don’t try to force it or plan, just go with what feels right when it comes to media, images, color, form, and symbolism.” Foster does this activity at least once a month, “even if it’s a quick marker sketch in between sessions.”

Use art as a release. This is another powerful exercise for relinquishing regrets, resentments, tension, trauma or any negative experiences. On a piece of paper use words or images to represent what you’re releasing, Foster said. Next, being very careful, take the paper to the sink, and light it on fire.

“While the page burns, imagine that you are fully releasing, surrendering, and clearing whatever ‘stuff’ the page was about. Breathe deeply, and imagine that you are sealing yourself up afterward, perhaps taking the time to set new intentions,” Foster said. Then create a new page with words and images that illustrate how you want to feel. And post it somewhere visible.

Foster underscored the importance of feeling safe and ready to do this activity, because forcing yourself to get over something before you’re truly ready can spike shame and anxiety. If you need extra support, consult an art therapist, she said.

Host an art party. Another vital part of self-care is connection. Several times a year, Medford invites people over to make art. “Socializing while creating is very nourishing for me, and I really enjoy giving other people time and space to nurture their own creativity.” Sometimes, she has a theme—making Christmas ornaments—and sometimes she asks people to bring a project they’re currently working on.

Lastly, writing about your art can spark important insights. Foster recommended journaling after you’ve completed a piece or project and then returning to it weeks or months later: “How have you changed since making the piece? How do you still think you need to adapt in order to reflect what you are creating in your life?”

Art helps us accept and explore our emotions. It helps us embrace mistakes and foster self-compassion. It helps us play and connect with others. It helps us discover what we want and what we need. Which are all vital ways of nourishing ourselves.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways-to-use-art-to-practice-self-care/

What is the Natural State?

The natural state of being with myself, others and everything else, the way I am when circumstances allow, is like being plugged into the current of life.

Tags: meditation, relationships, society

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life https://counsellingresource.com/features/2018/04/24/what-is-the-natural-state/

Best of Our Blogs: April 24, 2018

It was Earth Day this past Sunday. Did you do anything to celebrate? Whether you engaged in an activity, learned something new, or donated money, let me know in the comments. I’m a huge proponent of doing things to help the environment.

While we can’t change everything, doing what we can to make a difference gives a sense of self-control and does wonders for our mental health.

Similarly in the areas of your own life, you can use our bloggers’ words to get through the difficult problems in your own life.

Is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Finally Becoming A Household Term?
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – To understand the history behind childhood emotional neglect, read this.

You Can Do Hard Things
(Weightless) – In case you forgot, this will remind you how strong and powerful you really are.

3 Steps To Letting Go Of Problems
(Cultivating Contentment & Happiness) – This could be the reason why you can’t escape the same problems.

What’s your attachment style?
(Psychotherapy Matters) – Understanding your early attachments in life can explain how successful you will be in therapy.

Narcissism Passed Down a Generation
(The Exhausted Woman) – How do you help your child best when he or she has a narcissistic parent? This can help.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-april-24-2018/

The Best Way to Effect Change

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer

When something’s not right and you want it to change, there are several ways to go about it. No doubt you want to tailor your actions, so they reflect the best way to effect change. While taking the initiative and acting may be the quickest and most efficient approach, there are some caveats to consider. You might not have all the facts, for example, or what you do know may be distorted by perception or long-held belief. It is also quite possible that your viewpoint is skewed, thus leading to erroneous conclusions and poor judgment.

Considering that there are always going to be situations and instances where change is desirable, as well as times when only you can do something about what needs changing, perhaps the best way to effect personal and situational change is by changing the way you look at things.

Granted, this isn’t easy to do, especially if you grew up in an atmosphere of rigid compliance where any testing of authority was not tolerated, and you were constrained to act within certain boundaries. Questioning the status quo may feel like anathema now that you’re an adult may feel like an impossible task, one that you’re loathe to entertain. A little-known yet very powerful way to begin to assert your independence is by thinking outside the box you were put in when growing up.

Suppose you were always called stupid and told you’d never amount to anything. Many well-meaning parents fall into the trap of being overly critical of their children, perhaps projecting their own insecurities while wanting in good faith to ensure their offspring have a better life. That their thoughtless remarks and labels have the opposite effect may never occur to them, at least without parenting counseling. That kind of cruelty on the part of parents, siblings or others is enough to stunt anyone’s growth. Finding your own path under such circumstances was likely difficult because you believed the criticism was right. Difficult, but not impossible.

Maybe you’ve attempted to change things in your life and failed repeatedly. This also tends to put a damper on any motivation to seek further change. Again, the prospects for self-change are difficult, yet not impossible.

It is important to note that there is no directive of human behavior that requires any individual to steadfastly accept their circumstance. You have the power to effect change for yourself above all else. It doesn’t matter if you grew up impoverished, in a dysfunctional family, with no support system, suffering childhood illness, mental health disorder or some other condition. Nor does an upbringing in an affluent household guarantee the ability to enact change, even if such changed is steadfastly desired. What is necessary, however, no matter the circumstances or conditions under which you grew up, is the willingness to put aside old beliefs and negativity and look at the world around you with open eyes and an unbiased heart.

Is there a wrong you seek to make amends for? What about an injustice you believe came about as the result of your actions? What avenues can you take to create a better life for yourself than that which you came into the world to? Can you find the path to follow to achieve greater success? Is it possible to mend your ways, repair your reputation, begin to love again, heal damaged relationships, find a way to balance work and home, explore your true potential and achieve almost any goal?

You bet there is.

If you are willing to cast aside the barriers and suspend judgment so that you can take in the reality that is now, you may be surprised that what you thought was so, what seemed impossible to change, is false. What is available to you, what you can change, will not only astound but also invigorate you.

How to get started with a plan.

Once you’ve cast aside beliefs that may have held you back in the past and resolved to move forward with determination and enthusiasm, you still need a plan. Venturing forth without a firm grasp of the change you’d like to effect, or a timetable to help guide your actions and help you stay the course, or a guide to refer to so you know if you are making progress or not, the mere desire to effect change will stall. To help you navigate effecting change, your plan must consist of the following:

• The plan must be motivating, a course of action that you can not only see yourself taking, but one that fills you with vigor and excitement. The more internally motivated you are, the more likely your chances of success. “If you can dream it, you can do it.” – Walt Disney
• It must be workable, a blueprint that you readily accept and believe yourself capable of putting into action. Deciding on a plan that’s going to put you in a position of tackling goals currently far out of reach is not the way to go. You need incremental stages, perhaps smaller goals or ones that are shorter in duration, before you can feel confident of your ability to take on harder goals or ones that require skills you don’t now possess. “Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities. Without reasonable but humble confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” – Norman Vincent Peale
• To increase likelihood of success, the plan must consider potential hurdles and contain alternate scenarios and courses of action. Weigh each one according to its merits, gauging how close it gets you to your goal. “I have a number of alternatives, and each one gives me something different.” – Glenn Hoddle
• The plan must also be modifiable, a guide that you can modify as conditions or needs change, or you’ve attained the goal and want to proceed to something else. Being constrained to a rigid plan is a quick recipe for disappointment and abandonment of the impetus to change. “Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible.” – Tony Robbins

Expect the unexpected when proceeding to effect change. To the extent that you can bounce back from setbacks, learn from your mistakes and missteps and find the lesson that’s often hidden within seeming failure, you’ll be developing and enhancing resilience, a crucial self-strength that allows you to overcome life-changing situations and stressful circumstances.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-best-way-to-effect-change/

7 Myths about Parenting that Can Make You Miserable

If anyone tells you their parents were perfect in every way, they are either terribly mistaken, lying, or their parents were angels in disguise. No parent is perfect. I’m not. You are not. The parents of our various cultural heroes weren’t either. Sometimes even the experts on parenting make a mess of things with their own kids.

Being imperfect comes with the job — especially if you are brand new at it. The first time you have a child of any age, you and your child are both figuring it out. The child is figuring out how to be whatever age she is. You are figuring out how to be a mother or father of a child that age. You really are stuck figuring it out together.

If your own parents weren’t particularly good role models for parenting, the primary lessons you will draw from them are in the category of what not to do. Hopefully, if you look for it, you’ll also find some strengths in even those flawed people. Maybe not. But do allow for the possibility that as an adult you will see some plusses in their parenting that you didn’t understand as a child or teen.

Even adults who had really, really good parents are flying by the seat of their pants. Parents these days are dealing with technologies, a political environment, cultural and environmental challenges, and social pressures that their parents didn’t need to manage. The world has always had dangers, but social media and the rapid news cycle now bring the potential for violence into every home and school. Your parents had no way to model what you should do in such a state of things.  

Bottom line? Most parents, most of the time, are doing their best to keep their children healthy, happy, and safe. All of us are making it up as we go along.

So let’s let go of myths about parenting that can make parents miserable.

Parenting Myths:

1. I have to raise perfect children.

Give that one up right away. If that’s your standard for your parenting, you will definitely fail. The first step to giving yourself a break (and to taking tension out of your household) is to admit that it is impossible. Your kids are complicated people who will, yes, respond to your parenting, but who will also respond to their peers, the social context, and whatever life throws at them. Since they are human, they will be imperfect.

2. Someone is doing a better job than I am.

It’s probably true but it doesn’t matter — as long as you are making a good effort at it. It’s more likely that people are parenting differently than you are, not that they are “better”. Parents have different priorities, different values, different cultural expectations, and different resources.

3. Someone out there knows how it “should” be done.  

Although there is good data about what is harmful to kids (like spanking, for example), researchers haven’t yet found the ideal way to raise kids. Why? Because raising kids is one of the most complicated things you will ever do. It can’t be reduced to a “cookbook” recipe. The only hard and fast rule for parenting well is to love your kids and keep them safe. After that, the details depend on our priorities, values, cultural expectations and resources (see #2).

4. I will do better than my parents

If a parent was abusive, addicted, mentally ill and untreated, or clueless, you will do your best to be a better parent. Certainly you will try hard to not make the same mistakes. But chances are you will make some mistakes of your own. I assure you, your children will be happy to tell you about it when they are young adults.

5. Children are scarred for life by the mistakes of their parents

It depends on the mistake. Kids who grow up with abusive or abandoning parents often have serious issues to sort through in order to become the adults they want to be. But if we’re talking about garden variety, well-intended parents, the kids will be all right. Losing your temper or spoiling them once in a while won’t damage them irrevocably when it’s in the context of love and generally good judgment. Not letting them do something they really, really want to do won’t either. Let’s face it: Your parents probably bungled it a number of times along the way and you’re doing okay.

6. It’s my job to teach them everything they need to know to be good adults.

It’s impossible. Chances are your kids are going to need skills we haven’t even heard of yet. As long as you nurture them and help them develop self-confidence in their ability to deal with problems, life will do the rest. Consider yourself: I guarantee you learned as much or more from your experiences in life as you learned from your parents.

7. I have to be good, right and perfect all the time to be a good enough parent.

No you don’t. Besides loving them, the most important thing is to be humble about being human. Do the best you can. Model the willingness to admit mistakes and/or change your mind when you get new information. Be willing to discard damaging ideas you learned as a kid and to adopt better ways of doing things from people you admire. You and your kids will muddle through their childhoods together.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-myths-about-parenting-that-can-make-you-miserable/