Best of Our Blogs: August 28, 2018

A professor once told me I loved school so much that I should be a “professional student.” True to form, I’ve recently signed up to take a few online classes and borrowed books to help me strengthen my writing. That’s how I’m going back to school this fall.

Is there something you’re interested in learning more about?

If emotional wellness is your forte, you’ve come to the right place. From answering your questions on childhood emotional neglect to signs you’re dating a cheating narcissists plus info on how to have a healthy sex life, you’ll want to take notes and listen in.

5 Important FAQs About Childhood Emotional Neglect: Answered
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – Curious about what childhood emotional neglect is and how its shaped your relationships? If you turn to one post on the topic, this is the one to read.

5 Signs You’re Dating A Cheating Narcissist
(Recovering from a Narcissist) – It’s the surprising signs that signal the person you least want to end up with. Here’s why a cheater, and narcissist together make the type of person you need to watch out for.

5 Sexual Skills For A Healthy Sex Life
(Let’s Talk Sex) – A healthy sex life involves more than knowing what to do in bed. These skills are also key.

Addiction: Narcissistic Style
(The Exhausted Woman) – What does an addicted narcissist look like on the road to recovery? Family members, you need to read this.

Are You Building Healthy Boundaries or Emotional Walls?
(Dysfunction Interrupted) – You may think you’re protecting yourself with healthy boundaries, but you could actually be preventing yourself from having the relationship you desire.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-august-28-2018/

3 Words to Say to Your Partner Before Declaring ‘I Love You’

And after, to be honest.

Nothing beats hearing the person you’re dating and falling in love with say, “I love you” for the very first time. Hearing your new boyfriend or girlfriend say these three magical words can bring you both closer and evoke a beautiful rush of positive feelings, such as warmth and compassion, toward each other.

However, many people say these words in new relationships without giving much thought to what they mean and signify, leaving the delicate balance between the two partners precariously balancing over a whole heap of trouble.

Before getting to the point where you feel you have to declare your love from the highest tower in town, there are three other words that, if spoken to each other regularly and genuinely, go a long way towards establishing healthy communication habits like active listening, transforming your relationship into one that is far more authentically loving.

What You Need to Know about Someone Before You Say “I Love You”

After all, communication is all about expressing what you think or feel and, in return, really hearing the same from the person you are in conversation with as they speak.

The more connected partners in romantic relationships feel they are with each other, the more generally satisfied they feel, as well.

Such interpersonal depth comes from developing what’s known as “resonance” with one another.

Resonance is defined as “a relationship of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people,” i.e., partners who each feel understood by the other.

Reflective listening and mirroring is key to establishing resonance between two people. Making sure to do things like repeat words they used back to them, paraphrasing what you believe you heard them say, and maintaining good eye contact are powerful ways to let the person who was speaking know that you are there with them sharing their experience, and that you are resonating with them as well.

And this is where those other three words come in.

“Tell me more.”

To begin, ask your partner to share with you what is bothering them, and really listen to their answer.

Once they finish what they have to say, reflect back what you believe they said and ask them to confirm whether or not you got it right.

“So, what I’m hearing you say is that you feel angry with me for forgetting what you told me earlier? Is that correct?”

If they say no, allow them to clarify and reflect back what you heard until they say you’ve got it.

Next is the big part: letting the other person know you are still interested and authentically want to learn.

“Tell me more.”

When you do this, you invite your partner to go even deeper by telling them it is safe for them to be even more open and vulnerable with you.

Why Complete Honesty Affects Relationships In These 3 Counterintuitive Ways

A heartfelt and genuine, “Tell me more,” not only helps your partner feel heard, but also affirms to them partner that they are significant to you. As a result, your partner will grow increasingly willing, even at an unconscious level, to share more of themselves with you.

The more your partner feels safe to reveal, the more he or she will trust you.

The more there is trust and acceptance, the more connected you both will be, and this all leads to more joy and feelings of love all around.

Too many partners deal with emotional conversations as something they have to endure and try to get over it too quickly. This does not create the kind of alive, passionate, and open relationship most people crave.

Sticking with the conversation a little longer, practicing active listening, and asking your partner to reveal more about whatever they are experiencing is a powerful way to deepen your connection, even before you say, “I love you” for the very first time.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 3 Little Words Your Partner Needs To Hear Before You Say ‘I Love You’.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-words-to-say-to-your-partner-before-declaring-i-love-you/

Beneath the Surface of Helicopter Parenting

The prevalence and rise of anxiety is documented and, with the abundance of informational sources available at arms-length, you do not have to look far for bad news. A sense of danger, both subtle and blatant, projects from the screens that dominate attention.

As the world gets bigger in an interconnected way, the interpersonal sphere of those closest and most important to us becomes more influential, particularly to the basic needs of children. The holding environment created by parents while children are dependent, as well as the health of the attachment, become crucial to the quality of two vital parenting responsibilities: providing the safety of “home base” as well as the conditions for exploration.

How some have chosen to engage this challenge may seem to have some value on the surface, but on a deeper level sabotages fundamentals of growth. “Helicopter” parenting, the hovering, overinvolved, and overprotective posture assumed by many moms and dads, attempts to spare children from pain, suffering, conflict, and the darker, cruder side of life. While it may appear to come from a place of positive intent, the approach derives from pain and fear. While hovering may have its roots in a parent’s personal history or lack of insight into healthy development, insulating children from the challenge and emotions of conflict, responsibility, and adversity comes at a cost.  

Equal to the importance of providing nurturance and support, is what balances the authoritative parenting style: setting limits and building the coping and problem-solving skills so important to resilience, self-control, and personal responsibility. Interestingly, when we examine the four parenting styles that emerge from the combination of levels of the factors of support/nurturance and demand/expectations, only one style is associated positively with self-regulation: the authoritative style. This style is one that is high in support and demand. The authoritative parent acknowledges that building relationships, competence, and autonomy all require a flexible, resilient character, one that uses the ups and downs of life as opportunities to grow and learn. Self-regulation emerges both from modeling as well as allowing children the opportunity to experience, modulate, and manage the negative emotions that accompany conflict, disappointment, and adversity.

Hovering and clearing a sterile swath of problem-free terrain does not provide a realistic environment for children to grow from dependent to independence. Studies consistently point to the connection between this parenting approach and less than optimal developmental outcomes in the areas social-emotional, academic productivity, and self-regulation. The meta-message of hovering is “You are weak and you can’t handle this.” The fear that fuels protectiveness over time creates the conditions of entitlement, anxiety, and dependence. Helicopter parents assume that there are no consequences to their actions, and that independence and resilience are a function of age and genetic make-up, and not experience. But the detriment to development surfaces very early as other children only will play with someone for so long when that child always has to have it his way and falls apart when he doesn’t.

This does not mean parents should go looking for conflict and challenge. Everyday life offers plenty of opportunity to increase autonomy and resilience. For young children, play can be as challenging as it gets, full of negotiation, delaying gratification, and things just not going your way. For older children, peer relationships and developing a sense of competence are challenging with plenty of room to learn and practice coping skills, problem-solving, and regulating emotions.

Here are 5 strategies to help parents shift from helicopter mode to a more authoritative approach:

1. Make sense of your experience of being parented. Our most intense and intimate experience of parenting is the first-person experience of our own upbringing. A great deal of this time we were dependent upon our parents on our way to becoming independent. This point of view is critical to understanding how we learned about ourselves, relationships, and how the world works. A robust predictor of parenting is whether or not we have made sense of our experience of being parented. Simply put, if we have made a coherent narrative of the past, these experiences will not intrude upon the present. This is a hopeful notion for regardless of past conditions, we can make sense and parent in a proactive and responsive manner.
2. Build problem-solving skills. Problems are a regularly occurring part of life and are opportunities to build our thinking capacity as well as reciprocity within relationships. Studies find that intrusive and over-controlling parenting interferes with the development of emotional regulation and inhibitory control that children need to handle problems. Normalizing the inevitability of problems and modeling aloud the problem-solving process builds skills and reduces anxiousness.
3. Process disappointments. Feeling fully from start to finish when things do not go our way is a valuable experience. Processing the sequence of emotions, choices, and outcomes creates coherent narratives and is more likely to promote an approach attitude rather than the avoidance stance that is common in anxiety.
4. Coach children through conflicts. At the psychological core of well-being is the attitude of approach rather than avoid. Providing the appropriate scaffolding through conflict builds the cognitive and emotional resources needed for present and future challenges. This empowering stance is much different than letting kids figure it out for themselves for the literature points out that early on children require scaffolding and co-regulation from adults.
5. Model resilience and composure. Children learn substantial lessons by watching us. How we handle when things go our way and when things do not is in full view. We can use these moments purposefully in modeling the beliefs, skills, and attitudes that we say matters. Do not underestimate the power of walking your talk for this creates the conditions within the family culture for grit and resilience to develop.

References

Panepinto, J.C. (2016). Up follows down: Resilience in everyday life. Bradenton, FL: Booklocker.

Perry, N. B., Dollar, J. M., Calkins, S. D., Keane, S. P., & Shanahan, L. (2018). Childhood self-regulation as a mechanism through which early overcontrolling parenting is associated with adjustment in preadolescence. Developmental psychology.

Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. TarcherPerigee.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/any-anxiety-disorder.shtml

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/beneath-the-surface-of-helicopter-parenting/

Ep 24: How Do We Deal With the Everyday Effects of Mental Illness?

In order to be diagnosed with any illness, a person must first show symptoms – in other words, something needs to go wrong. Living in recovery from mental illness doesn’t mean we are free from these effects; it just means that we’ve reduced our symptoms to a manageable level and learned to deal.

So, how do we do it? What’s life like on a day-to-day basis living in recovery? Do bipolar and schizophrenia still cause issues for Gabe and Michelle? Listen to this episode of a Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast to find out.

 

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

  

  

 

 

“Do you feel misunderstood because of mental illness?”
– Gabe Howard

 

Highlights From ‘Effects of Mental Illness’ Episode

[1:00] Dealing with the effects of mental illness.

[4:00] How Gabe deals with fidgeting at work.

[7:00] Mental illness as an excuse in the media (anger ensues).

[8:30] Gabe and Michelle have the same symptom (excitement ensues).

[11:00] When people tell us to take our medication (unhappiness ensues).

[14:00] Words vs. Context.

[16:00] How do Michelle’s symptoms impact in her life?

[20:00] What works best for Gabe and Michelle?

 

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

 

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/ep-24-how-do-we-deal-with-the-everyday-effects-of-mental-illness/

12 Steps — Identifying With the Addict

The person is always more -- infinitely more -- than the addict. Thinking of the addict as your real nature, liable to erupt at any moment if you're not careful, may be helpful as a practical measure, but is it really true?

Tags: addiction, book, in practice, responsibility

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life https://counsellingresource.com/features/2018/08/27/identifying-with-the-addict/

Why Does Feeling Optimistic Feel So Weird to You?

When you have low self-esteem, optimism doesn’t come easy.

It doesn’t feel that way to everyone. It didn’t feel that way to my old college roommate, who saw every rained-out Sunday as a dazzling opportunity to stay inside cleaning closets and watching old movies while eating avant-garde ice-cream sundaes crafted with weird kitchen scraps — raisins, rock salt, Ritz-cracker crumbs.

She used to say that, having spent her high school summers laboring on a tomato cannery’s assembly line, by comparison, our current chores, classes and studies were glorious luxuries about which one must never dare complain.

She also said that when envying anyone else, one must ponder exchanging lives with that person: not simply cherrypicking certain facts or qualities — his aptitude for math, her car — but shouldering his or her entire past, present and future; heartbreaks and asthma and all. These imagined exchanges, my roommate said with a solemn smile, always remind us how lucky we really are.

When we first met, I often wondered why my roommate always saw the bright side instantly when I could not, and only saw worst-case scenarios: a single blemish portends a massive, worst-ever outbreak; a late bus means a missed class and thus a failed exam.

Then I figured out why: My roommate didn’t hate herself.

Her mother, whom she called her best friend, also didn’t hate herself.

In matching white sweaters and sneakers, they ploughed through life with its sunshine and struggles, sick and well, solvent and broke, and didn’t hate themselves.

White sweaters evince at-least-average self-esteem, because wearing white means trusting oneself neither to sweat through or spill things upon it, leaving embarrassing stains, and/or, if stains occur, to successfully wash them out.

And even average self-esteem breeds optimism, because it means having enough confidence to think (to know, as my roommate would say) that, come hell or high water, one can handle almost anything.

It means believing — “knowing” — one has resources: intelligence, social skills, patience, prudence, humor, training, grace, physical strength.

For those with decent self-esteem, the question is never whether or not, just how.

By contrast, pessimism is a telltale symptom of self-hatred. Find the pessimist — the performer who calls a half-full theater empty, the bus passenger who assumes every overheard cough is tubercular — and you’ve found someone without confidence.

You’ve found someone who thinks he or she cannot talk, think, work or power some way through any predicament and thus must always fall victim — doomed to lose, fail and be quelled by people, systems, society, money, molecules, machines.

Find a self-hater and you’ve found someone who automatically assumes the worst, who cannot even indulge in the momentary luxury of fantasy: of pondering possible strategies and less-grotesque alternatives — say, while counting to ten.

We who struggle with self-hatred find it nearly impossible, almost forbidden, to picture ourselves winning, persevering, even passing.

So when others tell us to think positive, we laugh. Not happily, not gratefully, but bitterly, because our pessimism undermines the very idea of affirmations, as studies suggest.

I will not tell you to think positive. That is — perhaps, as yet — too much to ask. Instead, I propose that we pause. And spend one second simply withstanding our urge to think the worst.

Then one more second. Three.

The urge is super-strong because we have known it so long, maybe our entire lives, but can we hold it off for five…six…nine, however possible, and think Perhaps…?

Perhaps, as an educated adult, I can successfully follow this map. Deliver my speech to that audience. Change my major. Find other friends.

Perhaps, having survived thus far in this world, I can endure this pain. Solve that problem. Get better. Find gold.

Perhaps I will not fail. Perhaps it will be fun. Perhaps I cannot turn myself into a total optimist, but

Perhaps I will emerge from this on roller skates, wearing a feather boa, beating drums.

This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-does-feeling-optimistic-feel-so-weird-to-you/

5 Solid Tricks to Improve Your Mood That Really Work

Attention problems are reaching epidemic proportions in a society increasingly driven by distractions. One survey found that between 85% and 95% of students struggle to pay attention. Another found that 40% of adults have experienced a financial loss due to procrastination. If you struggle to pay attention, you’re not alone. And while therapy, ADHD medication, lifestyle changes, and better time management can all play a role in attention challenges, your diet may also be a culprit. Eliminating sugar is one of the fastest changes you can make in order to improve your focusing abilities. Scour the top 5 tips below for better concentration.

1. Cut Out the Stimulants

Stimulants such as caffeine may give you a quick burst of energy now. Over time, though, they can interfere with your ability to concentrate. When you get large quantities of caffeine and other stimulants, your body may decrease its production of neurotransmitters associated with motivation and attention.

Cutting caffeine may mean going through a week or two of exhaustion, but when it’s done, you’ll feel energized and motivated.

2. Trim the Sugar

Sugar in the form of sucrose, high-fructose corn syrup, and simple carbohydrates such as white rice and white flour is bad for your health and your brain. Blood sugar spikes can interfere with your short-term attention span. In the long-term, excess sugar consumption can change the way your brain functions, alter your metabolism, and cause you to produce fewer brain chemicals associated with attention and motivation.

3. Get Brain-Healthy Protein

Protein is a building block for healthy brains, so eating a high-protein diet may help you boost your concentration and reduce your tendency to procrastinate. Brain-healthy proteins include nuts, Omega-3 fatty acids, beans, and lean meats. Some evidence also suggests that protein may boost the efficacy of ADHD medications, but the jury is still out on that one.

4. Curb the Crash Dieting

At any given moment, more than half of the population is trying to lose weight or build muscle with a new diet. There’s nothing wrong with trying to eat healthier, but constant dietary changes take a toll on your body and mind. Rather than caving to pressure to conform to the latest fad diet, focus on getting the right nutrients each day, and nourishing yourself from within. Sure, you might lose weight a little bit slower, but the constant blood sugar changes and metabolic challenges associated with fad diets can cripple your motivation and concentration, ultimately affecting all aspects of your daily life.

5. Drink More Water

If you do only one thing to improve your health, drinking more water, eight to 10 glasses each day should be it. Most health experts recommend ditching the number of cups, and instead drinking until you see that your urine is completely clear, and not cloudy. That is a solid way to determine if you are adequately hydrated.

Chronic dehydration can interfere with your ability to pay attention. Moreover, drinking more water may mean cutting out less healthy options, such as soda and caffeine. And, of course, when you drink water, you help your kidneys and liver flush out toxins, thereby more quickly ridding yourself of any ill-advised foods and drinks you’ve recently consumed. More importantly, this also helps your brain to function at its optimal capacity in order to be productive, motivated, and focused.

Whether it’s choosing to become healthier in order to spend more time with your family, and have the energy to do so, to be a better and productive student, a more attentive and perhaps less forgetful partner, or simply just for you, learn to take care of yourself by nourishing yourself from the inside out. Then and only then can any such true and long-lasting transformation take place.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/solid-tricks-to-improve-your-mood-that-really-work/