Is Your Attachment Style Leaving You Lonely?

If so, you can turn that around for good.

Are you dreading another weekend without plans? Do you wonder why your relationships keep ending and why eligible bachelors keep passing you by? Are you sick and tired of feeling lonely and just want to fill the hole in your heart with someone meaningful? I get that. Loneliness is real and painful.

What you may not realize is that the reason many people feel so lonely has much to do with their attachment styles in relationships.

According to well-known couples therapist John Gottman:

“Attachment theory describes how our early relationships with a primary caregiver, most commonly a parent, creates our expectation for how love should be.”

For example, I’ve been working with a young, successful businesswoman, helping her feel more confident pitching her ideas at work. Our recent conversation about work took a surprising twist, awakening her awareness of how profoundly lonely she is.

As we began to explore and unpack her story in order to understand what her lack of confidence at work and loneliness in her love life have in common, we discovered together that she has an insecure attachment style.

Nothing uncommon there — somewhere around 50 percent of adults fall into the insecure attachment group.

But what does having an insecure vs. secure attachment style have to do with feeling lonely or lacking in confidence?

Read on…

Here are 5 ways understanding and harnessing attachment styles in relationships can help you stop feeling lonely and find true love.

1. Be Clear on Your “Primary” Attachment

There are many types of attachment and we are wired for relationship and for a primary attachment relationship in adulthood. Sure, we’ve got friends and family. But, you have also have one person who would be your “primary”.

Your primary takes priority over everything and everyone.

That’s a pretty tough concept for many couples, right? This is one of the biggest missteps couples make. So often, the lifetime vows have barely fallen off the tongue when our one-and-only, till death do us part, becomes a second or third priority. They take the back seat to career, hobbies, family, or friends.

How People With a Secure Attachment Style Love Differently Than Everyone Else

2. Identify Your Substitute Attachments

It didn’t take this woman and I too long to realize that she’d been using work as her primary attachment relationship. She’d been looking for the kind of validation at work that could only be met in a secure love relationship. She thought working herself to the bone for recognition and acceptance would fill the hole in her heart.

She had a great “ah ha!” experience when she realized that no amount of success at work would fulfill her human need for love and acceptance.

It just wasn’t a substitute for what she really needed and wanted. The cycle that she had been in was wearing her down. She had convinced herself that she had little time for personal relationships because she was always so busy with her job.

This kept her in a perpetual state of busyness and loneliness.

She said that she felt like she was in a box, unable to be seen and heard. In her insecure state of being, she needed constant reassurance from her boss and co-workers.

3. Understand Your Attachment Style and Its Impact On Your Relationships

By identifying her attachment style, my client was able to understand why she had such a lonely nature and she pushed people away in her personal relationships. She began to see her pattern of being needy and insecure in her single life and aloof and distancing when people showed her attention.

Many young professionals seem to be cut from the same mold.

So many of them brag about being overworked and having little time for relationships. And many of them also share a similar complaint about isolation and not being able to find a serious romantic relationship.

4. Change Your Attachment Style from Insecure to Secure

Simply knowing you have an insecure attachment style isn’t enough to help you become secure enough to give up your work addiction and to make time and space for a love relationship. Fixing the problem’s going to take more than just understanding it.

It takes emotion to heal their emotion, but what does that even mean?

Emotional insecurity needs to be felt, expressed, and compassionately responded to in order to heal. We need time and connected relationships in order to let go of whatever our addictive behaviors are. That’s why the AA community has been an integral piece for the healing of millions of alcoholics.

For most people, learning to live a securely attached life is a major paradigm shift. It’s like taking the red pill in the movie The Matrix. Some would describe it as an alternate reality or becoming aware of the real world of human existence.

What You’re Like in Relationships Based On Your Attachment Style

5. Deepen Your Understanding of Attachment Styles and Apply It to Your Life

Understanding attachment theory and applying it to your own life can be a mind-blowing experience. It was for me when I discovered it after the failure of my 25-year marriage.

Contrary to popular Eastern concepts, we are wired for relationships and we suffer deeply if we don’t form a secure attachment. While meditation can help regulate emotion, it is no substitute for connected loving validating relationship.

While it may be possible to disconnect from the need for human attachment, the need to form loving relationships is what makes us connectable human beings.

We are relational beings who deeply desire to be loved and known.

There are no shortcuts or substitutes. Success is great. But no amount of money, achievement or fame will satisfy our need for human attachment.

It helps to understand the “why” before you decide what to do about your relationships by making sense of your drive and desire for a deeper connection.

Most of us are surrounded by friends and even family who are as driven and performance-motivated as we are. So even if we become convinced that we need to learn how to attach, it can be tough when we feel alone in that pursuit.

Still stuck on what to do when you feel lonely? Try this.

Reach out to your close friends. Tell them what you’re feeling and learning about yourself. They may be interested in doing some inside-out learning with you.

You may want to find a therapist who can help you dig deeper and heal old attachment injuries.

Learning how to be with your emotions through meditation and prayer can be a good thing as long as you stay connected with your healthy human need to love and be loved.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Why Your Attachment Style May Be Keeping You Lonely.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/is-your-attachment-style-leaving-you-lonely/

Top 10 Tips on How to Beat the After-Christmas Blues

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” – Charles Dickens

After all the wrapping paper, bows and decorations are put away, all the big holiday meals a thing of the past, and the thought of all the credit card bills coming due to pay for everything, if you’re feeling a bit low, you’re not alone. The after-Christmas blues affect everyone in different ways, but it does seem to be hard to escape.

It doesn’t have to linger, though, and here are my top 10 tips on how to beat the after-Christmas blues.

Take Everything Back at Once

Why torment yourself with thoughts of several days’ worth of trudging back to the store to use up gift cards, return or exchange unwanted, wrong size, color, design or whatever items after Christmas? Instead, get it all over at one time by taking everything back on a single day. This way, you’re likely to accomplish what you need and put that task behind you. Caveat: Try to avoid doing this the day after Christmas when everyone else is doing the same thing.

Spend Less Time on Social Media and More Face-to-Face with Friends

While social media makes it ever so easy to connect with friends, when you’re feeling blue after a big holiday like Christmas, it makes better sense to engage in real-time interaction with your pals than using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat. Connecting one-on-one and in-person also helps rid you of lingering disappointment that the holidays are over, creates tangible feelings of well-being, and reminds you that we’re all in this together.

Eat Better, Sleep Well and Exercise More

No doubt your diet suffered during the holidays along with getting less sleep than you should and foregoing the gym or your daily walk. Now that Christmas is over, it’s time to get back to your healthy routine — or begin one, if you haven’t before. Stop unhealthy snacking and gorging yourself like it’s your last meal (it’s not). Eat well-balanced, nutritious meals at appropriate times. Get a good 8 hours sleep each night, and remove electronic devices from the bedroom so they don’t tempt you to catch up on messages, emails, etc., and carve out at least 15-20 minutes daily for some sort of vigorous exercise. Even a short walk outside will help eradicate the after-Christmas blues.

Note: This also helps dash winter blues.

Start a New Project

There’s nothing better to take your mind off of what’s bothering you, including post-holiday sadness, than diving into a new project. Whether it’s repainting the living room, poring through catalogs for spring bulbs, creating plans for an addition, shopping for new appliances, doing research for a new or replacement vehicle, gathering information on going back to school, the process of involving yourself in a new project not only occupies your time, it also lifts your mood, gives you something to look forward to, and is a healthy way to live.

Stay Busy

Does it seem like there’s a void now that all the relatives and friends have gone, you’re back at work or left alone at home while others are off tending to everyday things? While the hours slowly grind away, there’s much too much time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself or allow sad thoughts to intrude even while you’re halfheartedly trying to work. Here my recommendation is to stay busy, and make sure to always have another task or assignment or chore to go to on your to-do list. This way, there’s no down-time, no time to dwell on emotional lows. By staying busy, you’re being focused and acting. This passes the time and helps you be more productive, both of which can reduce feelings of sadness.

Be Grateful

When you wake up each morning, take a few minutes to reflect on all the things you’re grateful for in life. While you might automatically start to think about how sad you feel, acknowledge the emotion and then think how fortunate you are to be alive. Your troubles aren’t so great, no matter what they are, that you don’t have things to be grateful for. These include family, friends, a job, a home to live in, your health, and so on. Gratitude is one of the most effective ways to dispel the after-Christmas blues.

Do Something for Others

It doesn’t take much time out of your day, or much effort, for that matter, to do something for others. If you know of someone who’s ill and house-bound, for example, give them a call or stop by for a visit to help lift their spirits and give them the opportunity for real-time social interaction. Back to those unwanted, wrong size, color, etc. gifts, consider donating them to those in need. There are many individuals who won’t at all mind wearing an oversized shirt or ugly Christmas sweater or plaid pair of pants or hot pink sneakers. Both you and the recipient get something good out of it.

Plan Something Special

Another way to get your mind off being blue is to begin planning something special. This might be a night out with your loved one, a day at the spa to treat yourself, creating a romantic dinner or working on plans for summer vacation. When you’re planning, you’re being forward-thinking and taking concrete steps to make the plans reality.

Take a Short Trip

Why not get away for a while? Even a short trip, such as a day trip, can work wonders to drive away the blues and get you back on an even emotional state. A weekend trip might be more appropriate, but with holiday expenses eating up a chunk of the budget, a shorter day trip might better serve your purposes. Go with a friend or loved one to maximize your enjoyment of the excursion. You might even be able to use a gift card you received at Christmas.

Pursue an Interest

There must be something in your life you’ve put off, thinking you didn’t have the time, energy or resources to pursue. Maybe now is the perfect time to delve into that interest. See if there’s some way to make room for it in your life. Surely, if something is important to you, you’ve dreamt about it or had it on your wish list for some time, it’s worth taking a serious look at. Besides, this is an excellent way to jumpstart motivation, lift your spirits and put the after-Christmas blues in the past.

Important: If your blues last longer than two weeks, it may be a sign of clinical depression, which is best treated with psychotherapy.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/top-10-tips-on-how-to-beat-the-after-christmas-blues/

Psychology Around the Net: December 29, 2019

We’re ushering in the new year in just a few days and if you’re wondering whether I went the cliche route and focused this week’s Psychology Around the Net on resolutions (or goals, as I prefer to call them), then you’re absolutely right!

This week’s article explains the uncomfortable things you need to start doing for yourself, highlights podcasts to help you develop healthy habits, practice meditation, and beat procrastination, explains the best foods to eat for your mental health, and more.

Enjoy, and Happy New Year!

Resolution Hacking: 10 Podcasts to Keep New Year’s Goals on Track: These podcasts will help you create and keep better habits, beat procrastination, develop healthy hobbies, learn more about practicing meditation and mindfulness, and more.

Uncomfortable Things You Need to Start Doing for Yourself in 2019: Great things can happen when you get comfortable being uncomfortable.

A Neuroscientist’s Tips for a New Year Tuneup for Your Brain: Have you ever heard of brain bubbles? According to Dr. Kelly Lambert, brain bubbles are similar to real estate bubbles, except instead of inflating the perception of home values, brain bubbles inflate your perception of the world around you and when they burst, the results can be devastating. Dr. Lambert has some tips on how you can identify your brain bubbles, safely get rid of them, and prevent more from developing.

10 Keys to a Healthier Lifestyle in 2019: Eating well, getting more sleep, and increasing your exercise are givens — so what else can you do to boost your mental and physical health in the upcoming year?

These Are the New Year’s Resolutions You Need to Make for Your Mental Health: So many of us focus on physical health, finances, relationships — you get the idea — when they’re deciding what to focus on improving in the upcoming year. As you make your resolutions (or goals) for 2019, don’t forget your mental health.

Forget Dieting — Make Your New Year’s Food Resolution About This Instead: We don’t need food to fuel just our bodies; we need it to fuel our minds, too. Here are some tips on what foods to eat to feel at the top of your mental game.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-december-29-2019/

Why New Year’s Resolutions Are Vital to Our Psyche

I know, I know, you might be coming across this post and you might be thinking to yourself, ‘Oh boy, here is yet another article about new year’s resolutions.” But instead of writing about various resolutions and how we can try to keep them as the new year progresses (I immediately think of the classic ones — eating well and upping the exercise and endorphins for the body-mind connection), I’m more interested in discussing why resolutions became such a streamlined thought in the the first place.

Why do they hold such a significant presence in our culture? Why do we talk about them so much, and why do we feel the need to uphold these new goals, particularly on such a specific date?

New Year’s resolutions promise us a fresh start, a new beginning. A second chance. In all honesty, do we need a date on a calendar to dictate when this can begin? Not exactly. (Nor do we need February 14th to tell us it’s time to express our love for someone, but I digress.)

However, having a date such as January 1, the literal beginning of the new year, is a symbol we may take comfort in. It’s a marker, a reminder, a call-to-action, a clean slate.

“Studies show that people commit to their goals more fiercely after a major benchmark like New Year’s Day,” the 2016 US News article, “The Psychology of Fresh Starts,” stated. “Even a Monday is benchmark enough. It’s the most popular day of the week for starting diets and stopping smoking. There’s something alluring about the cleanliness (or neatness?) of the slate that Jan. 1 presents. A new year represents a new start, a new chance. And for those of us who might have failed last year, and the year before, who doesn’t like another chance?”

A fresh start can truly be poignant for our psyche. This renewed sense of personal development and self-improvement allows us to reflect on what we want to work on, whether it’s an emotional issue we’ve been grappling with, or a practical aspiration we wish to personally achieve. These resolutions give us the opportunity to move forward in the best way possible.

The 2016 article, “Is it the Right Time for a Fresh Start,” posted on The Scientific American, discusses why a temporal landmark (the first day of the year) works in regards to cultivating a fresh start in what is called “the fresh start effect.”

“Temporal landmarks also give us an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, a feeling that inspires beneficial behavior, at least in the short term,” the article notes. “Turning the page on a new year, month, or even week allows us to attribute our negative traits and failures to our past selves. By blaming our past selves, we can create and better maintain a positive image of our current selves. We feel more motivated and empowered to work hard toward reaching our goals when we feel like our past failures are behind us, and our future success is ahead of us.”

In essence, the act of forging a new beginning, also acts as a marker to let go of past mistakes and anxieties and wounds that no longer serves us. We are not only saying ‘hello’ to new commitments, but we are saying ‘goodbye’ to old baggage.

“As long as temporal landmarks highlight a contrast between a desired future state and present reality, and we do not feel close to our ideal state already, then these reflections motivate us to act on our goals,” the article states.

Although we don’t need January 1 to remind us to wipe our slate clean and embark on new emotional and practical beginnings, this date ultimately provides us with a significant symbol; a symbol to create fresh starts and let go of past troubles.

Here’s to 2019, everyone. Let’s make it count!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-new-years-resolutions-are-vital-to-our-psyche/

How to Deal with Anger When You’re All Too Good at Avoiding It

For many of us avoiding anger feels automatic and natural. Because anger doesn’t feel good. Because we associate anger with cruel words, broken glass and ruined relationships.

In other words, as psychotherapist David Teachout, LMHCA, said, we associate anger with destruction, and avoidance is how we attempt to maintain our emotional and mental safety and health.

According to Michelle Farris, LMFT, a psychotherapist and anger management specialist, if you grew up in a home where anger turned abusive, you might think that suppressing your anger is actually a healthy thing to do. “Witnessing unhealthy anger and rage makes it tough to see its value.”

But anger has value. A lot of it.

Anger tells us that something isn’t right, and we need to make a change, said Farris, who has a private practice in San Jose, Calif., where she offers supportive counseling and online courses that focus on improving relationships, anger management and codependency.

Maybe you need to set a boundary. Maybe you need to tell someone how you really feel.

“Allowing emotions to be a part of your relationships keeps you and the relationship healthy, and the lines of communication stay open,” Farris said. After all, healthy, close connections require honesty, “and though it is a risk, telling someone why you’re upset gives them the opportunity to heal the hurt or correct their mistake.”

Teachout said anger is a neon flashing pointer to what matters most to us: our values. “We simply don’t get upset about things we don’t care about… When we ignore our anger, try to suppress it, we’re actually suppressing the care we have for what we find important.”

Anger also energizes us. It empowers us to stand up for ourselves, and for others.

Not expressing angry feelings just makes them fester (and fester and fester). “They feel like bricks on your back, always present and weighing you down emotionally,” said Farris, who offers a free email course on anger called Catching Your Anger Before It Hurts.

Over time, not expressing our anger also leads to long-term stress, because “the body stores the emotions that cannot be expressed until they can be released.” This damaging cycle, she said, has been linked to: increased risk for anxiety, heart attack and stroke; a weakened immune system; and “a tendency to overreact because stuffed emotions are harder to control.”

But even though you might have a complicated, thorny relationship with anger (and might’ve had one for years), you can change that. Below, Farris and Teachout share their helpful tips.

Catch anger early. It’s very hard to stay calm and effectively express yourself and understand your feelings when your anger becomes a tsunami. Farris advised against dismissing times you’re mildly annoyed. Instead of thinking “it’s not that bad yet,” pay attention and intervene early. Check in with yourself regularly. “The earlier you catch [anger], the more manageable it will be to contain and express in a healthy manner.”

Early warning signs of anger differ in different people, Farris said, but here are some examples: Rapid heart rate, negative thoughts, sweating, feeling irritable, minimizing upset feelings, stomachache, headache, muscle tension, using profanity and blaming the other person.

Zero in on the broken value. Anger points to “a behavior that didn’t support [one of our values] in the way we’d like or, to our perception, actively sought to undermine it,” said Teachout, who joins with individuals and partnerships on their mental health journey to encourage a life of valued living and honest communication at his practice in Des Moines, WA.

This is why he suggested when we get angry to immediately ask ourselves: What value is the upsetting behavior threatening or undermining? Maybe it’s loyalty, honesty or respect. Maybe it’s fairness, kindness or authenticity.

(Also, “notice that you still care about that value so you haven’t lost who you are or become destructive,” said Teachout, who offers therapy, coaching and groups for the whole person because you’re more than your suffering.)

Once you’ve pinpointed what you care about, consider how you’d like to support it—and act from this place, instead of from a place of defending what’s been threatened, Teachout said. “This immediately takes the focus away from being about the other person and returns it to the core of who you are, your values.”

What does this look like? According to Teachout, let’s say someone lied to you (thus undermining your value of honesty). Acting from a defensive place might look like yelling, hurling insults and internalizing the betrayal. Acting from a supportive place might look like telling the person: “That really hurt because I care about honesty” or telling yourself “My anger is letting me know I still care about truth/honesty and that it means I can support it,” Teachout said.

Take a genuine time-out. “The best tool for anger management is a time-out,” Farris said. Which means physically leaving the space (if possible), and practicing calming behaviors. “Don’t keep retelling the story of what went wrong,” which only boosts anger. Instead, she suggested taking a walk (or doing any other vigorous exercise, which “gets the negative energy out of the body and releases oxytocin which helps calm you down”). She also suggested journaling and listening to soothing music or an inspirational podcast.

Communicate effectively. Farris stressed the importance of naming your feeling, and using an “I” statement, such as: “I feel angry that you didn’t respond to my texts last night.” For some people, “I” statements can feel canned or awkward. Reversing the phrasing can help, she said: “When you didn’t return my texts last night, I was really angry.”

The other key is to name the specific behavior that bothers you, without generalizing, judging or criticizing, Farris said. “When you name what happened as fact not a criticism, the other person is less likely to get defensive.”

That is, instead of saying “I feel really angry when you attack me in front of our friends,” you’d say, “I felt really angry when you made that joke in front of our friends last night.” According to Farris, “’Attack’ is more of a judgment, and doesn’t describe what happened.”

Also, make sure that you’re communicating while you’re relatively calm or in control. Farris has a rule of thumb she uses: “If you can’t listen, you shouldn’t be talking.”

Feeling and expressing your anger when you tend to avoid it can feel foreign and deeply uncomfortable. The first, second, third or thirtieth time. But with practice and the above suggestions, you can reconnect to anger’s value, and let it support your relationships and your life.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-anger-when-youre-all-too-good-at-avoiding-it/

Best of Our Blogs: December 28, 2018

It’s just a few more days until 2019. Can you believe it? Here’s that time when I write about your goals, what you want to accomplish and where you see yourself. Except that I won’t.

We often leap ahead to the new year wanting and willing it to be different. We do this without any regard to the one we’ve been through.

Even though it was a hard year, maybe even with loss, and challenges, I bet there was also something beautiful about it.

It could have been small and simple. It could have been your decision to do something different over the holidays or avoid that narcissistic relative. It might not be Instagram worthy, but it was still an accomplishment. Enjoy it. Savor it. Celebrate it along with our top posts this week.

Daring to be Authentic after Narcissistic Abuse
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – You’ve got blamed for everything wrong in your life. Read what Lenora wishes for you this year.

When the Narcissist (or other Such Emotional Abuser) in Your Life Ruins the Holidays
(The Recovery Expert) – This time when you get attacked by a narcissist, you won’t be bamboozled because you read this.

Alzheimer’s: When Love Turns into Pain
(The Exhausted Woman) – It’s understandable that you’ll need support as you help your loved with Alzheimer’s.

ADHD Soup
(ADHD Man of DistrAction) – It’s a unique way of perceiving ADHD-one you may not have heard of.

Hope
(Through Life & Loss) – Even in the midst of grief, there is hope.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-december-28-2018/

I Was Dumped Over My Depression

He found out by Googling me.

I’ve been writing candidly about my life for as long as I can remember.

I’ve never been able to pull off fiction, because my brain doesn’t work that way, but I’ve been able to, as Hemingway put it, “sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Or, since it is the 21st Century, sit down at a computer and just let it all out.

Maybe I’m a product of my 21st Century over-sharing generation, or maybe I just want others to feel less alone in their own struggles; some days, I’m not quite sure. But either way, the topics in which I choose to cover never fail to evoke a strong response, and I would never want it any other way.

One such topic, from which I’ll never steer, is my depression.

The 3 Best (and Worst) Things to Say to Someone With Depression

I’ve been very open in many pieces I’ve written about my struggles dealing with depression, as well as being honest about my suicide attempt about nine years ago. That particular subject, I can say for sure, isn’t about over-sharing at all, and absolutely about providing a sense of comfort and solace to those who are learning how to deal with depression and possible thoughts of suicide.

It has taken me a long time to get to where I am on the matter, to be free of shame, embarrassment, and judgment of myself, but since I’m still here, alive and kicking, I feel it’s a story worth telling.

When I first started writing about that specific part of my life and my person, I was still single. I wasn’t an avid dater, as that’s hard to pull off in New York City, because — breaking news — this isn’t Sex and the City, but I did meet new people here and there, and sometimes, if the stars were aligned, a first date would lead to a second date, but it was rare. Dating in New York City has to be one of the most difficult things in the world.

Despite this rarity, I actually met someone great, and not only did it lead to a second date, but a third and fourth one, too. I wouldn’t say we were “dating,” exactly, because no one likes to use that term too fast, but we were on our way there and it felt good.

He was charming and funny, and we connected over things that are important to me like politics, religion, and of course, music. We had both been raised in New England and, thanks to that, we were extremely skilled in our Boston accent impressions. We weren’t soulmates or anything like that, but I could definitely see us heading into the direction of the whole boyfriend/girlfriend label, as much as I’m not really keen on labels of any kind.

But then something happened a couple months into our seeing each other: He Googled me.

When I first meet someone I almost always Google them, or at least try to find them on Facebook. I don’t do this because I automatically assume everyone out there is like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho (Or do I?!), but mostly because I’m curious. I also tend to meet lots of people in my field and like to see links to their work and read their writings.

So when, let’s call him Jay, told me partway through dinner one night that he had Googled me, I wasn’t really surprised. Don’t most people Google? I mean, the majority of us are online all day long, so why wouldn’t we? At least as a means to procrastinate, if nothing else.

But instead of singing my praises, as he should (I kid!), he decided to ever so slightly inquire about my depression and suicide attempt. I kindly explained that the attempt was securely in my past and that, yes, my depression is a very real part of my life, but it’s as under control as it can be — at least for the moment.

It was then that he told me, in not so many words, that he “couldn’t deal” and “wasn’t up for the drama.”

I thought this was a strange response since I know more people than not who are medicated, and about 50 percent of my friends also suffer from some form of depression and/or anxiety. Had this been 1950, I could have sort have understood, considering the stigma that was attached to mental illness then, but now, in this century? It seemed absurd.

We continued to talk about it through the rest of dinner, a dinner we both barely touched, and by the time the waiter came to ask if we wanted coffee or dessert, it was quite clear that we were not going to be able to find a common ground on the topic. In his eyes, I was a drama laden woman who had no hope at being “normal” enough for him, and in my eyes, he was both an ignorant and smug twit, who probably should have taken at least one basic psychology class in college so he wouldn’t sound so clueless.

I’ve long lived with the idea that I am broken. Although I have come to grips with who I am and the chemical imbalance in my brain, the fact that it’s still very much a part of my daily life, I still can’t help but think of myself as being flawed.

Yes, no one is flawless and I think that’s a beautiful thing, but to be flawed in your brain, to have zero control over your thoughts and feelings, and to be completely dependent on drugs just to keep you alive and to prevent you from seriously hurting yourself, is an entirely different thing.

Quotes That Perfectly Explain What Depression Really Feels Like

My depression is what I hate about myself the most, even if I have learned to deal with it. Never before and never since that night has any man, or anyone for that matter, taken issue with my depression.

I’m not saying the other men in my life were excited to be with a woman who suffers so deeply and so often, but their tolerance and understanding were in a completely different ballpark than that of Jay. Although we never got into the particulars as to why he felt the way he did, I could only surmise that perhaps he had lost someone he really loved to the disease.

Maybe it was a past girlfriend, a sibling, or a parent whom he watched struggle, up close and personal, and he just couldn’t stomach doing it again. If that were the case, I would have been more than understanding. I would not wish on anyone the turmoil I have put my loved ones through when dealing with depression.

But since I don’t know the reasons, all I can do now is look back and think ill thoughts about him. It pains me that someone could be so obtuse about the subject and not even willing to budge an inch, despite me having shown him just how great and healthy I was then.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: My Depression Was A Dealbreaker For Him.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/i-was-dumped-over-my-depression/