Digital Technology and Parenting: “Powering Down” to Reclaim the Power of Relationship

As a trauma therapist I am always interested in learning about my clients’ childhood attachment patterns. Growing up with parents who were either emotionally unavailable, inconsistently responsive, frightened by or frightening to their child has a profoundly negative impact on social, behavioral, emotional, and neurological development. “Trauma-informed care” includes assessing for adverse childhood experiences and reframing clients’ subsequent “symptoms” and struggles as the inevitable by-products and coping strategies of attachment trauma. However, I am concerned that a newer version of attachment trauma has invaded even the most “loving” families. Our reliance on, and, in some cases addiction to, digital gadgets and technology has hijacked the face-to-face parent-child interactions that are necessary for consistent, sustained and secure attachment.

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Is this scenario familiar? After standing in line at the post office for fifteen minutes—a somewhat inherently traumatic experience in and of itself—I witnessed a two-year-old having a complete meltdown. Her mother’s immediate response was to hand her an iPad. In her wisdom, the child initially rejected it. In a soothing yet frustrated tone, the mother said “Use your iPad! Do you want to look at pictures? Play a game?” The child was not appeased and continued to wail. As the woman bent towards the stroller, I felt a sense of relief, assuming she was about to pick up her dysregulated child. Instead, she turned on the tablet and said with greater agitation, “look at the pictures on your screen!” After several more minutes of crying, the child realized that what she wanted and needed—to be comforted by her mother, not an inanimate object—was not going to happen. I watched as she went into collapse, emotionally shutting down and compliantly staring at the screen.

Believing her baby was now soothed allowed the embarrassed mother to comfort herself with a cellphone, tapping and swiping until it was her turn to buy stamps. In essence, they were two strangers in line together. I have seen similar scenarios countless times: in airports, malls, restaurants, and my waiting room. Preoccupied parents entranced as they stare at their iPhone, seemingly oblivious to their child’s needs. They are content to use digital gadgets as pacifiers and babysitters. They are not only modeling the excessive use of cellphones, tablets, video games, and laptops, they are actually encouraging their children to be just as hypnotized, and potentially, addicted.

At the risk of sounding old fashioned and judgmental, I believe this phenomenon is worrisome. Eye gaze, appropriate loving touch, and soothing words are the hallmark features of secure attachment. In families where there is abuse or neglect, these experiences get weaponized. Eye contact becomes a vehicle for threat or intimidation, or the neglecting parent avoids eye gaze, leaving the child feeling demeaned or invisible. Touch is either physically abusive, sexually inappropriate, or unavailable to the child. Words are bullying, shaming, hypercritical or lacking in love or support. This is why caretaker perpetration is such a betrayal and profound breach of trust.

But those three critical resources for attunement are also lost when a child is offered a screen rather than the loving and grounding experience of an available parent, which makes them feel safe, calm and connected to others. It may seem unfair to associate abuse or neglect with the disconnect that happens when a child is comforted, distracted, or cajoled by a digital appliance. But what is the long-term toll it takes on healthy attachment, affect regulation, and socialization skills? Mental health researchers and therapists alike need to assess for and explore that impact, as digital technology is not going away. Questions to consider:

• Are kids with excessive exposure to digital gadgets less comfortable with face to face interactions and more likely to struggle socially?
• Is it harder for them to read and accurately interpret nuanced facial expressions and body language?
• Do these kids have a healthy ability to regulate their fluctuating or overwhelming emotional states?
• Are these kids less likely to use relationships for soothing and comfort, and more likely to numb with endeavors that are hypnotic or dissociative?
• Despite growing up in families that are well-meaning and financially secure, are these kids actually experiencing avoidant or insecure attachment?
• And if they are, will they struggle with the same emotional fall-out and symptomatology as abused or neglected kids?

Since technology has made our lives much easier and resources more accessible, stakeholders may be reticent about tackling this issue head-on. I believe it is our ethical responsibility to address these dynamics with the families we treat. We must empower parents to set much stricter limits on screen time and to reconnect with the relational, face-to-face-benefits of parent-child time and family time. Many kids and teenagers need to be weaned from their overuse of digital gadgets—a kind of digital detoxification—so that they can reconnect with peers and re-access their own imaginations.

For traumatized clients, the reparative experience of secure attachment often happens within the therapeutic relationship. Therapists may need to be more mindful of addressing this issue with kids who have been overexposed to digital gadgets as a resource for comfort and soothing. They should keep technology out of the therapy room and model attunement, eye gaze and appropriate words and touch so that kids and parents alike can rediscover the power of relationship. Otherwise, the next generation risks losing the ability and the desire to be fully present with others and fully engaged in the world. 

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/digital-technology-and-parenting-powering-down-to-reclaim-the-power-of-relationship

Podcast: A Bipolar and a Schizophrenic Get Triggered by a Movie

We all realize that movies are fiction, but that doesn’t mean that we should take nothing seriously. When a movie makes a portrayal of an individual, for example, that’s full of racial stereotypes, we’re justified in saying that it isn’t okay. 

It’s no different for portrayals of mental illness. In this episode, Gabe and Michelle discuss just such a portrayal in a movie that Michelle found highly offensive. Listen to see if you agree.

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“This is just another way to dismiss our feelings.”
– Gabe Howard

 

Highlights From ‘Schizophrenia in the Movies’ Episode

[1:00] Michelle has been triggered by an 8-year-old movie called “The Roommate.”

[5:00] Discussing why this movie makes no sense.

[6:30] How Gabe and Michelle handle talking about medications.

[10:00] Why did this movie make Michelle feel so offended?

[12:00] Why this movie is bad for the mental health system.

[16:30] Movies that show mental illness in a good way.

[19:00] How people interpret movies with mentally ill characters.

Transcript From ‘Schizophrenia in the Movies’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator: [00:00:09] For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Here your hosts Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer

Gabe: [00:00:18] Hello everybody and welcome to a bipolar a schizophrenic and a podcast. My name is Gabe and I’m the bipolar one.

Michelle: [00:00:24] Hi Michelle I’m the schizophrenic one and the better one.

Gabe: [00:00:27] The better one really.

Michelle: [00:00:29] The better one.

Gabe: [00:00:29] Right before we started recording. You told me that you were the hot one because I was a…

Michelle: [00:00:34] Not hot one.

Gabe: [00:00:35] No you called me a fat ass.

Michelle: [00:00:36] No I didn’t. Why are you going to say that? I never called you a fat ass.

Gabe: [00:00:39] Your exact words were, You were a fat ass that needs to go to the gym.

Michelle: [00:00:42] No.

Gabe: [00:00:43] That’s hurtful.

Michelle: [00:00:44] That’s so mean. I would never say that.

Gabe: [00:00:46] Speaking of mean things that people would never say that often get said, Michelle you were triggered by an 8-year-old movie.

Michelle: [00:00:53] Oh my God. I can’t believe but that was some segue Gabe. I really like hated that.

Gabe: [00:00:57] I mean it’s our way.

Michelle: [00:00:58] It’s really. That was smooth. That was real slick. Well okay, my friend. Okay. I’m watching a movie. My friends says “Oh we gotta watch this movie, The Roommate. The Roommate is such a good movie. It’s like kind of freaky it’s kind of weird. We should so watch the movie The Roommate.” So I’m gonna watch the movie The Roommate. Okay.

Gabe: [00:01:19] How many times you gonna say roommate.

Michelle: [00:01:21] I’m just gonna the roommate not through the roommate.

Gabe: [00:01:24] You know, listen, the audience understands that you watched a movie and it was called The Roommate. You can carry on okay.

Michelle: [00:01:31] Here is here’s the little a trailer description – when college freshman Sarah arrives on campus for the first time, she befriends her roommate Rebecca, unaware that the girl is becoming dangerously obsessed with her. So Rebecca seems to have some issues. She’s becoming very obsessed with her roommate Sarah. She’s scaring away Sarah’s friends that are getting in between their relationship. She even goes as far to killing her ex-boyfriend.  And at one point you’d meet her parents and then you hear her mother or father one of them says Rebecca. You been taking your medicine? And then all of a sudden I was like, interesting. What is this movie really about? So then the roommate Sarah who is being stalked, they go through her drawers and they find a bottle of pills. No, I didn’t see what it said on the pill box, but then they go to the computer. And you know how in movies they usually make up different pills names like we do for the show? But they didn’t it in this movie. They go into like Google search or whatever and search for a pill name. And guess what it was? Something that I take.

Gabe: [00:02:46] Oh my God. So wait are you Rebecca?

Michelle: [00:02:50] No but I’ve never been more offended because they used the antipsychotic that I take. They look it up and they go Oh my God it says this pill’s used for the treatment of bipolar or schizophrenia. Oh no. And all the sudden I was like, oh my goodness. This has got to be one of the most offensive things I’ve ever watched.

Gabe: [00:03:12] Wait wait wait hang on. It was for the treatment of bipolar and schizophrenia that they’re now I’m a offended.

Michelle: [00:03:17] Now you’re a offended.

Gabe: [00:03:18] Yeah. What it was just about you I was like oh you’re overreacting. But since they actually said bipolar and this is this is this will not stand this. This is bullshit.

Michelle: [00:03:27] I know and it had Leighton Meester in it also and I liked her.

Gabe: [00:03:31] I can’t believe that this movie has existed for eight years without our rage.

Michelle: [00:03:34] I don’t want to watch a movie made eight years ago about a girl with bipolar or schizophrenia that isn’t taking her antipsychotic because maybe we can make roommate the roommate too. I’ll stop taking my antipsychotic and then people can look in the drawer and find that pill and see that I’ve not been taking it and Google it.

Gabe: [00:03:57] And just like that and just life comes to a head. Let’s do explore this for a moment. I mean just in case the podcast doesn’t work out because I suspect that you would be the killer and that I would be the victim but it wouldn’t have anything to do with your schizophrenia. It would more have to do with us being locked in a room for hours on end with recording equipment and at what can be called the podcast.

Michelle: [00:04:24] The podcast.

Gabe: [00:04:25] Right. Yeah but you’ve got to say it like in that voice that you use to describe the roommate.

Michelle: [00:04:28] The podcast. Oh I have to add I was watching this movie at night so after before I went to bed I made sure to take that pill. So I did not kill my roommate that night.

Michelle: [00:04:40] First let’s address a couple of things right out of the bat. Obviously you have not been on this particular medication for your entire life.

Michelle: [00:04:47] No.

Gabe: [00:04:48] So before you took that pill did you want to murder anybody.

Michelle: [00:04:52] No.

Gabe: [00:04:53] Okay. And do you honestly believe that if you stopped taking that pill tomorrow you would start killing people.

Michelle: [00:04:59] Absolutely not.

Gabe: [00:05:00] And to further drive this point into the ground. There are plenty of people that become obsessed with their friends roommates spouses boyfriends girlfriends that have no mental illness or schizophrenia. They just cray.

Michelle: [00:05:18] Yes.

Gabe: [00:05:19] Yeah. I mean listen I do in fact have bipolar disorder but you know I was a teenager once and I know it’s hard to separate out you know bipolar Gabe from actual Gabe but I do believe that you know the reason that I spent my prom night crying is because that lady dumped me and I was sad and I hated her new jock boyfriend and probably not because I was bipolar. I think this is just like a standard thing that happens to.

Michelle: [00:05:44] Understandable.

Michelle: [00:05:44] I would say that’s understandable. I get it. Yeah. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:05:48] So but the fact that I had bipolar disorder and wasn’t yet medicated didn’t make me kill anybody. I mean just. Right. And I’ve never been violent and I’ve never had the urge to kill people even though I to take a psychiatric medication. And this of course offends us because now people are looking at us like uh oh if Gabe and Michelle stopped taking their meds we’re going to be.

Michelle: [00:06:10] Killers.

Gabe: [00:06:12] Yes.

Gabe: [00:06:15] Michelle I am so sorry that you had to watch Netflix at home while not working. I mean I’m so sorry you had to go through this experience with this movie but doesn’t it suck. I mean it doesn’t media.

Michelle: [00:06:25] I just couldn’t believe. They used our real medication name right.

Gabe: [00:06:30] Do you remember the episode where we talked about side effects of medication.

Michelle: [00:06:34] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:06:34] And what did I name the medication that that helped fix.

Michelle: [00:06:39] Dicks-A-Poppin.

Gabe: [00:06:40] Right. We had Dicks-A-Poppin in which was the I guess you know E.D. medicine because it cured the medical diagnosis of.

Michelle: [00:06:48] Dicks-A-Floppin.

Gabe: [00:06:49] Yeah. We got nothing right on that. Doesn’t it bother you though. Look we all know it bothers us. We don’t need to be coy but we try to be responsible with this show. We’re not Hollywood as much as we have tried to delude ourselves into saying that we have millions upon millions of fans. We don’t.

Michelle: [00:07:07] I’ve never deluded myself to that. Maybe that’s just you.

Gabe: [00:07:11] Listen I believe that there are millions of people we just can’t track them because one person downloads it and then plays it in front of a live auditorium stealing our thunder. I know this happens.

Michelle: [00:07:21] Obviously you’re off the meds.

Michelle: [00:07:24] You’re on the meds and you’re in a stalk somebody and you’re going to be obsessed to them and you’re going to you’re going to kill their ex-boyfriend.

Gabe: [00:07:32] This is not the only movie that you have ever seen in your life that has to do with.

Michelle: [00:07:39] I’ve seen many a movie in many a Disney movie in my life.

Gabe: [00:07:43] Oh well Disney movies I’m fairly certain are all about mental illness.

Michelle: [00:07:48] Well I mean I was flying a magic carpet.

Gabe: [00:07:50] Magic carpet ride.

Gabe: [00:07:53] Michelle this is not the first pop culture portrayal of mental illness that we’ve ever seen. It sounds like this one bothered you so much because it hits so close to home. You are a woman you have a roommate and you’re on this exact same medication. So if you start acting in a way that people don’t like they can easily say Oh it’s because of the medication rather than address with you whatever this is just another way to dismiss our feelings that that’s kind of how I see it.

Michelle: [00:08:27] I completely agree with you because they were just saying Oh she’s off her meds. That’s why she’s crazy. Like why isn’t she seeing a therapist?

Gabe: [00:08:36] Well why are you asking me for it and write the damn thing.

Michelle: [00:08:38] I don’t know who wrote this movie? I’m going to look it up. I’m sending them an email.

Gabe: [00:08:44] Really.

Michelle: [00:08:45] Whoever wrote this movie.

Michelle: [00:08:46] This writer Sunny Molly I’m writing you an e-mail Sunny Molly.

Gabe: [00:08:53] You should probably learn to pronounce his name.

Michelle: [00:08:55] Whatever your name is. Sunny Molly. Well I never heard of you in anything else but you might have done other stuff. You wrote a very insulting movie.

Gabe: [00:09:06] Now is it insulting or is it insensitive.

Michelle: [00:09:11] No it is insulting. I was just so insulted.

Michelle: [00:09:15] I was really really insulted because I’m watching the movie with somebody I see that I go Oh that’s my medicine. Oh now the person that I am with is thinking oh is that going to happen to you if you stop taking your medicine. I was seriously asked that in that moment.

Gabe: [00:09:32] Were you offended that the killer was a woman.

Michelle: [00:09:37] No.

Gabe: [00:09:37] But you’re also a woman.

Michelle: [00:09:38] Why would I care.

Michelle: [00:09:39] There’s many women in the world. There’s not as many people who take that medication. And I felt singled out.

Gabe: [00:09:48] It’s not that the killer was a female or a young female or even a young white female. It’s that she was a schizophrenic. Taking a medicine that you take an antipsychotic medication and then it pulled in the trope of if you don’t take your medicine you will become violent.

Michelle: [00:10:04] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:10:04] And all of that connected for people because of their own biases misunderstanding and ignorance. To then look over at you and try to draw a parallel where before you watch the movie that didn’t exist. Right. Like in your friend group because you watched a movie you were now looked down upon.

Michelle: [00:10:23] Yeah well I was asked oh if you don’t take that well things like that happen.

Gabe: [00:10:28] We’ll be right back after we hear from our sponsor.

Narrator: [00:10:31] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist, whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Michelle: [00:11:02] Hey everyone, we wanted to tell you about Emergency Dentists USA — they love the show and wanted us to give them a shout out. Emergency Dentists USA is a 24-hour dental referral service that specializes in finding emergency dentists who accept patients with no insurance and offer low-interest payment plans.  We are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, even on holidays.  Our staff is knowledgeable and friendly and can find local, emergency dentists in your area, for any dental emergency you may face. Visit them online and now back to the show.

Gabe: [00:11:44] I think that there’s another side that we need to talk about as well which is let’s say that you are a young woman with schizophrenia and you see this movie and then a doctor tries to prescribe you that medication.

Michelle: [00:11:53] Good point.

Gabe: [00:11:54] You’re going to say look I don’t want that. I’m not violent. That movie stops killers. I’m not a killer so I need a different medication. And now you’re going to resist to the treatment all because you don’t want to be lumped in with a fictional movie. Let me back up for a second. I just have to say this. I want to say this to the whole world. You can you can clip this out of the podcast and play it for everybody.

Gabe: [00:12:14] Listen animals don’t talk. People can’t fly. There’s no such thing as superheroes. We all understand how fiction works in movies for almost every other thing but for whatever reason whenever there’s any mentally ill character we suddenly think that Hollywood is producing a documentary about our lives and saying this is what mentally ill people act like. Really.

Michelle: [00:12:38] Did I ever tell you the time there was like somebody was writing a film in L.A. that film on schizophrenia and they wanted me to like talk to the lead actress and they wanted me to read the scripts and everything. The lead actress like I spoke to her she calls me and all she’s saying is that like oh tell me your story. And I was like Well do you do you know anything like you know about schizophrenia how to act like it. She’s like Oh well I’m like a really good actress. And I’m like Well do you know any mannerisms of people with schizophrenia. You know how they act. And she just was like blew the whole thing off like oh she goes that I was like you know a lot of people with schizophrenia don’t really usually let people in the eye that often just Oh no really. But we’re on Face Time you’re looking at me in the eye and I’m like well we’re on the phone right now. And she just wasn’t even understanding what she would have to be playing if she was playing a schizophrenic person. She just wanted to hear my story and not learn anything from me. And then when the person who had set us up to talk when she e-mailed me can you read our script and tell us how it sounds. I said I don’t want to read your script for free. I work as a mental health advocate and my time is money as well. If you would like me to read your script and you’re trying to support people with mental health issues it would be really nice if you could compensate me and the woman said I completely understand. I’ll talk to the director. The email ceased. Never again. End of it never. Never heard it from them again.

Gabe: [00:14:00] This is a real problem in our circles where people don’t want to gain the right information and if they even make a cursory attempt they want to get it for free. And listen you get what you pay for. And I have no idea if this particular movie “The roommate” hired anybody to talk about mental health mental illness you know chances are look it’s a horror movie that it sounds like it wasn’t very popular because I never even heard of it. So the good news is it didn’t do that much damage because only like 11 people saw this but I get it. Nobody seems to want to understand what it’s like to live with mental illness and portray it in any manner that is even remotely realistic in popular culture and what’s even worse is that the people watching it for whatever reason have decided that it contains factual information. It’s just a story you know and it’s not good or bad or otherwise it’s just fiction. And I wish that people could understand that it’s fiction. We we must make so much progress that people would be like look that’s a fictional portrayal of somebody with schizophrenia.

Michelle: [00:15:10] It’s almost as though people like to make those fictional things up because they want to make sure that they aren’t like that.

Gabe: [00:15:17] Oh sure.

Michelle: [00:15:18] I’m not crazy. They’re crazy. See what crazy looks like. That’s a crazy it looks like and that’s not me.

Gabe: [00:15:23] There you go. Oh and see that’s even scary as well because again back to the point that I made earlier. Let’s say that you’re watching this movie and you’re watching this woman with schizophrenia kill people become obsessed be you know just just weird the way her family is acting around her of course she murders somebody that’s a whole thing.

Michelle: [00:15:40] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:15:40] And then somebody diagnoses you as schizophrenic. You’re like huh no no I’ve never been obsessed. I’m not like you just on and on and on you’re like Let’s listen. I’ve seen what schizophrenia looks like again in a fictional portrayal. And I’ve decided to get some sort of factual basis out of this. And you know this is how we end up with you know politicians that don’t understand facts because they watch some movie about the army and they think they’re generals so it’s not just mental illness.

Gabe: [00:16:10] It just our podcast just happens to be about mental illness. If we switch over to the political spectrum boy do we have some movies that piss us off.

Michelle: [00:16:18] Let’s not even go there.

Gabe: [00:16:22] What are we going to do.

Michelle: [00:16:23] We have nothing to do.

Gabe: [00:16:24] We got nothing to do.

Gabe: [00:16:26] What are some movies that portray somebody with schizophrenia correctly. Do you even know of any.

Michelle: [00:16:32] No.

Gabe: [00:16:34] In the bipolar space.

Gabe: [00:16:35] There are a couple of movies that get close and the most popular one in the most recent one is “Silver Linings Playbook” and I just bring this up to show that Hollywood I think is learning. They are. They are trying you know a horror movie. They sensationalize everything. So you know in fairness and I’m not trying to insult your friends that the fact that they even watched this movie and looked at you that’s kind of insulting. Looks at it. It’s one you know it’s a movie, two you know movies or fiction and three really really?

Michelle: [00:17:04] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:17:04] Like what’s your question again dumbass ass so I get it I get it but I do think that Hollywood is trying. I mean I know that the group didn’t want to pay you but at least they made a cursory attempt that that was that was more than nothing. And to go back to Silver Linings Playbook it wasn’t a bad portrayal. It’s still a fictional movie and I want I want to let people know that if they run out and watch the movie I don’t want them to say hey a man that lives with bipolar disorder said that that was spot on. It wasn’t spot on but it was it was really close and frankly it was it was close enough that for a fictional representation it really didn’t offend me that that really could be somebody’s life with bipolar.

Michelle: [00:17:55] Do you go jogging with a with a trash bag around you.

Gabe: [00:17:58] Listen I don’t. But it’s not the trash bag part.

Michelle: [00:18:01] It’s the jogging.

Gabe: [00:18:07] That I just I just end right there.

Gabe: [00:18:09] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not everybody with bipolar disorder wears a trash bag or jogs. Yeah. Yeah. I’m not saying that I’ve never woke up with a trash bag around my neck.

Michelle: [00:18:24] That’s †he next shirt you should sell Trash Bag Chic trash bag.

Michelle: [00:18:28] Yeah I think it’ll look good.

Gabe: [00:18:30] But there were parts of it that really did speak to me the confusion the manic energy him waking up his family in the middle of the night because he got excited about something the desperation to repeat things the way his family had to make apologies for him because he woke up the neighborhood the way he couldn’t let things go.

Gabe: [00:18:48] These were things that that are very stereotypical of somebody who lives with untreated bipolar disorder and they kind of covered that decently saying that he wasn’t necessarily under a lot of control. He didn’t necessarily have the best treatment but ultimately and this is something that I want everybody to know even if that was a documentary even if that was complete fact even if every single thing that happened in Silver Linings Playbook was true and happened exactly like that. That doesn’t mean that that’s how everyone with bipolar disorder behaves.

Michelle: [00:19:23] True.

Gabe: [00:19:23] That means that’s how that dude behaves. So I think we need to get over that as well. It really bothers me that people were like Hey I saw a woman in a movie and now I know how women act or I saw an African-American male in a movie. So that’s how all African-Americans act or you know just on and on and on. But we think this is a society so on the plus side.

Michelle: [00:19:46] It’s just stereotypes.

Michelle: [00:19:47] Yes it’s everyone just making a stereotype.

Gabe: [00:19:49] Stereotypes are the shorthand of the lazy. I don’t want to take the time to get to know you. So I will just figure out whatever stereotype I can and declare my knowledge of you complete and that’s just.

Michelle: [00:20:02] That’s just ignorance.

Gabe: [00:20:03] It’s straight up ignorant and it’s lazy and it’s bullshit and it robs you of getting to know real people.

Michelle: [00:20:10] Some people aren’t worth getting to know.

Gabe: [00:20:12] Well but you won’t know that until you get to know them. Listen when I first met you, you yelled cock ring at the top of your lungs. All right. If I would have been like all right we’ve got a tiny little schizophrenic yelling cock ring I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.

Gabe: [00:20:25] This whole podcast.

Gabe: [00:20:26] I was not yelling cock ring at the top of my lungs. You say that all the time you always bring that up is yelling cock ring. I had a ring I had a ring and what was actually a ring it was a ring that my friend who is a sculpture artist sculpted out of wire a penis on a ring.

Michelle: [00:20:48] So I was calling it a cock ring.

Gabe: [00:20:50] Loudly.

Michelle: [00:20:52] Everyone was asking me about it.

Gabe: [00:20:54] You are a dick on your finger

Michelle: [00:20:57] Whatever it was my ring.

Gabe: [00:20:59] You Know.

Michelle: [00:20:59] I got a lot of comments on that ring.

Gabe: [00:21:01] Yeah no shit. Most people do not wear genitalia on their finger when they meet business people for the first time.

Michelle: [00:21:09] I stopped wearing it after a week because I was getting too many looks OK but if you weren’t that ring hit me up I’ll get one made for you. I think our final thoughts for today is if you’re going to make a movie about a girl with a mental illness don’t pick an actual medication’s name make up a name use that and if you’re going to watch a movie with some friends and before you ask your friend or really dumb question just just just think twice.

Gabe: [00:21:43] Just think twice maybe just think it all like I don’t know I don’t think there was a first thought.

Michelle: [00:21:46] I mean if you’ve known your friend for like over a year Don’t ask a question based on a movie you just saw that came out in 2011.

Gabe: [00:21:55] You know it’s gonna be awesome if you and your friend are not friends after this podcast. It means your friend was good enough to listen to the show that you’re hosting. So that’s just going to be a real travesty. Thank you everybody for tuning into this week’s episode of a bipolar a schizophrenic and a podcast. Please head over to store.PychCentral.com by our Define Normal shirt. We are almost out of them and once they are gone they are probably gone forever.

Gabe: [00:22:21] Also radios everywhere share tell your friends. Michelle and I are on a course with destiny and your

Michelle: [00:22:28] Roommates.

Narrator: [00:22:30] You’ve been listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. If you love this episode, don’t keep it to yourself. Head on over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app. Subscribe, rate, and review. To work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle, go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups, head over to PsychCentral.com. The show’s official Web site is PsychCentral.com/BSP. You can e-mail us at show@PsychCentral.com. Thank you for listening, and share widely.

 

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

 

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-a-bipolar-and-a-schizophrenic-get-triggered-by-a-movie/

How Journaling Can Teach You to Love Your Body

Journaling can transform not only my physical health, but also emotional and spiritual health.

I didn’t always love my body. In fact, for years, I hardly thought about it at all.

My body was a machine that I worked relentlessly and neglected constantly. It was simply a tool that my brain used to get where it needed to go. I paid no mind to aching muscles, searing headaches and other signs of stress and exhaustion. I ignored my body’s needs until a major health challenge forced me to stop and recognize the obvious: my body isn’t a machine at all. It’s an integral part of me that requires love, care and respect.

I began journaling every day as a way to get back in touch with my body. This practice has transformed not only my physical health but also my emotional and spiritual health. I started listening to what my body was telling me and making decisions to embrace a full, healthy and balanced life.

Why Journaling?

Researchers have been tracking the positive effects of journaling for decades.

Over the years, studies have found that expressive writing can lead to significant benefits, including short- and long-term health outcomes, better immune system performance, stress and anxiety reduction and relief from chronic illnesses, such as asthma and rheumatoid arthritis.

And a 2017 study from the University of Arizona showed that for people going through a divorce, narrative writing exercises – telling the story of their divorce, not just documenting their feelings about it – improved how their bodies responded to cardiovascular stress.

Journaling helps us strengthen the mind-body connection that we often neglect. Putting pen to paper supports us in large and small ways, making room for our thoughts, feelings and experiences in a tangible way.

How to Start Journaling

• Start small.
• Make it a daily habit.
• Feel free.

Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. You may want to write lengthy entries every day, but start with a smaller, more manageable goal. Commit to writing for five minutes or a few lines, and congratulate yourself when you reach that goal. If you want to keep writing, go for it (and celebrate that victory too).

Build on your gradual start, and make your small journaling goal a part of your daily life. Find a time of day that works best for you – such as when you’re drinking your morning coffee or you’re about to get ready for bed. Don’t debate whether you should journal or not; just make it a daily habit.

If you can’t figure out what to journal about, try free-writing. Simply jot down anything that comes to mind without filtering or editing it. Keep your pen moving until you reach your writing goal.

5 Journaling Prompts

1. Take several deep breaths, and do a mental scan of your body from head to toe. What feels good? What feels off? What is your body telling you?
2. Imagine you have an entire day to pamper yourself. What do you do? How does each part of the day rejuvenate you?
3. Write a love letter to your body. What do you appreciate about it? What are you thankful for? How can you express your gratitude?
4. Describe a sensory experience that has stuck with you – a meal, a smell, a hike, a physical activity. What did it feel like throughout your body? Why did it make such an impression on you?
5. Write about a time you felt wonderful in your own skin. What was happening? Why did you feel strong, beautiful, capable or empowered? How can you recreate that feeling?

Journaling is a powerful way to care for your body, as well as your mind and spirit. Make daily journaling an essential part of your journey to total aliveness.

This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-journaling-can-teach-you-to-love-your-body/

Thinking About Dumping Your Psychiatrist? Keys to Resolving Conflict

It’s too easy to bail on a therapeutic relationship rather than resolve the conflict. There are all sorts of conflicts that come up between psychiatrists and patients. There are disagreements about diagnoses, medication choices, side effects, listening style, or just basic misunderstandings that occur in the course of human conversation.

Too many of us patients get into the pattern of doctor hopping rather than conflict resolution. A good relationship with our psychiatrists happens not because we have Dr. Perfect but because we resolve conflicts.

Therapeutic relationships are the perfect places to practice learning to speak up and resolve relationship challenges. However, most patients interpret a disagreement with their psychiatrist as an invitation to bail on the relationship. After all, why should I have to pay someone to be in conflict with them?

This is my proposal for sticking it out during a rough patch with your psychiatrist. I have had some serious conflicts with my psychiatrist over the years. Each conflict terrified me. I was certain the discord meant I was either going to be dumped or I might have to leave. In 23 years, neither has ever happened. What has happened instead is that I’ve gotten successively better at speaking up for my needs, and he’s gotten successively better at adjusting his approach to me because of those needs.

I think of it like this: He has hundreds of patients, but I only have one psychiatrist. Making the most out of that relationship is as much my responsibility as it is his.

A perfect example of a communication conflict that occurred between my psychiatrist and me happened a number of years ago. I sat in his office desperate to tell him about a recent PTSD event. The memory of the trauma played over and over in my head and had reduced me to a quivering, sobbing, jelly. I tried to compensate for my terror by fortressing the entire house. I barred doors, wired shut window locks, and kept protection near me in case my tormentor reappeared in my home. I stayed up all night, vigilant for the assailant. When dawn emerged from night and I realized I had found a new way to protect myself, I intended to burrow into my home every night. I was triumphant but also exhausted by my new protection strategy. As the days dragged on and I remained hypervigilant and terrified despite the new security measures, I knew I needed my psychiatrist’s wise council to help me resolve the problem.

At my next appointment with him, I tried to convey the complex situation with vague references, half spoken facts, and a lot of staring at my hands. He seemed unfazed and answered my presentation with, “You seem to be doing well and I know you have a hard time when things are going well.” I was devastated. I thought, how could he think I was doing well when I’m not sleeping. I’m barring myself in my house every night, and I’m shaking in fear as soon as the sun sets?

I dashed out of his office, dove into my car, and wept. As I calmed myself down, over time, I realized that in my conversation with him I never once told him I had turned my home into a fortress, or that I hadn’t slept in two weeks, even as I kept protection by my side. I’m sure had I said that, he might not have made the comment that I was “fine.”

I was angry with him because he wasn’t sensitive to my situation, but I never clarified what exactly my situation was. It was as if I was expecting him to crawl inside my mind and magically know these details I never shared with him. I finally got honest with myself and said, If I don’t say the words, how is he supposed to know what I mean. How can I expect him to treat a problem he doesn’t know exists?

I answered my insight by writing him a long letter describing my trauma, my safety measures, my fear, and my need for his help. Once I was able to communicate the previously jumbled information to him meaningfully, he was able to therapeutically respond.

From this episode I learned several things. First, psychiatrists don’t mind read. Second, if I want him to know something, I have to communicate it to him in a meaningful way. Third, just because I think he’s the one at fault in a conflict, he might actually be responding to something I’m doing. Finally, the written word was a very effective tool for me to communicate difficult experiences to him.

We do a duet with our psychiatrists. If we aren’t singing off the same sheet of music, that’s when conflict is most likely. If we have a disagreement with our psychiatrist, we should start by asking him to clarify his position. Listen respectfully. If we still disagree, we need to tell him why we disagree. It can be intimidating in session to say “I don’t agree with you.” There are alternatives. Writing him a letter is effective. Having your therapist talk to him is another approach.

What doesn’t work well is complaining to people who can’t help that he’s a lousy psychiatrist. The conflict is between us and our psychiatrist, not the person we are complaining to who wasn’t even in the room. If you have a quarrel with your psychiatrist it’s far more productive to go to him, either directly or through a clinical third person who can intervene, rather than go to people who have no power and are not properly informed.

In the tug-of-wars that routinely occur in the office of a psychiatrist communication is the critical tool for resolution.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/thinking-about-dumping-your-psychiatrist-keys-to-resolving-conflict/

My Son Didn’t Have to Die from Opioids: An Interview with Bob Paff

Why (and How) You Should Set Boundaries in Your Marriage

 

Marriage is difficult. Boundaries make it easier.

In any healthy relationship, it’s good to set boundaries in order to maintain your own happiness and make sure that your partner’s needs are protected, too. Marriage is no different, and setting boundaries — and keeping them — should be high on your list of priorities whether you’ve just walked down the aisle or you’ve been married for decades.

Healthy boundaries are very important in any marriage.

But what are boundaries, exactly, and what’s the important thing to understand about how to set boundaries?

3 Things People With Healthy Relationship Boundaries Do

To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it’s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy marriage, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors and they are essential and appropriate for every relationship, whether it be new and exciting or more settled and safe, like marriage.

Here are 5 boundaries that you should have in a healthy relationship:

1. Look at Individual Needs.

The best place to start when setting boundaries in your marriage is for each of you to look at your own individual needs. A key part of identifying potential boundaries is for each of you to see what is important for your own individual happiness.

I know, in my relationship, what is important to me is that I have quality time with my partner every day. I also know that I want to be given the freedom to pursue my hobbies and my interests, I want to have openness and transparency in our communication and I want to be treated with respect.

Knowing what I need in my marriage allows me to understand what the composition of my boundary walls should be. If I didn’t do that consideration, and figure out what is important to me, then I might have built those walls out of things that weren’t strong enough to frame my marriage and that might cause those walls to fail.

So, both of you, take some time and identify what is important to you as an individual in your marriage.

2. Compare Lists.

Once you have each individually defined your needs it is time for you to share those needs with your partner.

I took my list to my partner and I was not surprised to learn that our two lists overlapped. It was very important to him that he have time to spend pursuing his hobbies, mainly skiing and woodworking. It was also important to him that he spends time with his mother, that we don’t yell at each other when angry and that we not to be rigid in our boundaries.

It was good for us to compare our lists because by doing so we had a conversation about what was important for each of us, raising awareness that we could use for creating boundaries and, as we go forward, living our life together.

I know, with my ex-husband, we never did this. We just entered into married life with no thought as to what it would look like and, within a few years, we were both drowning, confused and at a loss as to what was going wrong.

3. Set Priorities.

Once you have merged your lists, it’s important that you set priorities. Sometimes it’s impossible to accommodate every one of each other’s needs but it’s important that everybody’s most important needs are met.

For me, my most important needs were face-to-face, regular quality time and being honest with each other. For my partner, it was important to him that he could spend time on his own and that yelling at each other would be taboo.

Of course, the other things, like his mother and my need for effective communication, are important and part of our definition of our boundaries but we both expressed what were deal breakers in the composition of our boundary walls. We knew that these priorities would be respected and, if they were, our marriage would be stronger.

Signs You Have Unhealthy Boundaries (That Will Kill Even the Best Relationships)

4. Define Success.

A very important thing to do, once you have defined your boundaries and set your priorities, is to write down what success would look like. Specifically.

For me, regular face-to-face quality time meant that for at least 15 minutes every night we put down our phones and our computers and turn away from the television and look each other in the eye and talk to each other. For my partner, being able to ski two weekends a month and working in his woodshop on Sunday mornings would be important to him.

It is essential that each of you understand specifically what the other sees as success. For many of us, we just guess at what our partner wants from us and, because of that, sometimes we fail.

So, be as specific with each other as you can. Set yourselves up for success.

5. Put It in Writing.

The final step for setting boundaries in your marriage is to write it all down.

Conversations are great but putting what you discussed in writing allows you both to more clearly see, and remember, the boundaries that you have established. You can refer to them when you’re questioning what they might be and trying to remember what they look like specifically.

So, write them down and keep them some place where you both have easy access. As your marriage moves on through the months and years, you should regularly revisit the boundaries that you have set, updating them as necessary and re-familiarizing yourself with what they look like.

There is nothing better than writing things down to keep us accountable and familiar.

Setting boundaries in your marriage is an essential part of setting yourself up for success.

Marriages are long and they can be challenging and doing whatever work you can do ahead of time is key.

Work individually to define what you want, come together to see where you overlap and are different, set your priorities, define successes and write it all down.

Doing these things early in your marriage will help ensure a long, healthy, happy marriage, the kind you committed yourself to on the altar that day.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Helpful Tips For Setting Boundaries In Your Marriage.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-and-how-you-should-set-boundaries-in-your-marriage/

How to Resist Negative Social Contagion

Researchers have discovered that people are remarkably responsive to what other members of their social group are doing. “Social Contagion” is the term social psychologists use to describe the tendency of a behavior, attitude or belief to spread among people who are close to each other.

As much as we may not want to believe it, what we think everybody else thinks or does matters to us. Family harmony often depends on a certain level of conformity. We make friends based more on similarity than differences. Advertisers count on our tendency to be influenced by our perception of what is popular with that mythic “everyone else.”

Some social contagion is decidedly self-destructive. In 2008, 17 high school girls in one small town made a pregnancy pact, all of them trying to get pregnant before graduation. A retrospective study that same year found that adolescent girls are more likely to engage in non-suicidal self harm if their best friends are doing it. Another study found that teens with four or more friends who were abusing drugs and alcohol were also likely to abuse substances. The suicide of one or more people in a group often leads to other people attempting or committing suicide, especially if they were already struggling with depression.

Not all conformity is negative. People are more likely to register to be organ donors if members of their family do the same. Recovery groups are built on the idea that replacing a social group of users with a support group of people with the same recovery goals is a powerful support for positive change. Conservation efforts, composting, and belonging to a farm share are also likely to spread among members of a friend group. You know that card on your hotel pillow asking if you’d like to help the environment by reusing your towels? You are more likely to say “yes” if people you know do it.

And sometimes it isn’t clear whether the drive to be like our friends is positive or negative. Young adults often decide to marry in step with their friends. Couples are more likely to have a child if a brother or sister has recently done so. One very large study showed that couples are 75% more likely to divorce if they had friends or siblings who did. Yes, some of those decisions are positive choices. But some seem to be in response to people over identifying with their friends.

It’s easy to make life decisions when what the group expects of us lines up with what we think is right and moral. Marching in step with others results in comfortable relationships and shared experiences.

However, it’s very anxiety provoking when our own values are in conflict with those of our family, friends, and/or community. It’s uncomfortable to be thought of as weird or to be dropped by people we thought were our friends because of choices we make. It hurts to be rejected when we stand up for something we believe in.  In situations where our ideas or decisions are not shared by our group, we are confronted with how much we are willing to sacrifice our individuality or principles as the price of group membership and approval.

The antidote to mindless “contagion” is being thoughtful about how we are being influenced by social norms and being equally thoughtful about who we surround ourselves with. Negative “contagion” can then give way to positive choice.

6 Ways to Resist Negative Contagion

1. Resolve not to be seduced into doing something because everybody (or even a few people you are close to) is doing it. Don’t let yourself get swept up in the group’s energy for doing (or not doing) something without taking the time to think about it. Promise to yourself that you will do your best to always consider whether what is right for your friends is really right for you.
2. Slow down when deciding to make a life change. Young adults sometimes go to college or get married or have babies because it seems like all their friends are “ahead” of them. The same is true for changing or advancing in jobs, moving, or retiring. Life isn’t a sweepstakes. Make life changes when it is right for you.
3. Do your research: Don’t take other people’s word for it about what is good for you at this stage of your life. Yes, it’s easier to just do what everyone else does but you aren’t everyone else. Explore your options and make a conscious choice.
4. Separate from toxic people who demand compliance in order for you to be a member of the group. This can be frightening, even when it is for the best. While looking for a healthier friend group, there may be a period of time where you feel very much alone. Support groups, therapy, and recovery groups can provide needed social support while you make the effort to find more supportive people for your life.
5. Widen your support system: Social contagion isn’t all bad. When we have positive models for different ways of being, we open up new possibilities for ourselves. All of your friends don’t need to be friends with each other. Different groups may respond to your different interests and needs. Give yourself permission to seek out new people you admire.
6. Reject invitations from difficult people to fight about your principles: Sometimes it is important to stay in relationship with difficult people. When dealing with family members, friends or coworkers who seem to want to fight about, well, everything, you don’t have to respond in kind. If you are making healthy choices for yourself, there is no need to convince others that it is so. Politely decline the invitation to argue, change the subject, find things you can agree about without giving too much of yourself away.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-resist-negative-social-contagion/