Taking Back Your Power: Breaking Free from the Writing on the Wall

Everyone has writing on their wall — hidden belief systems and pre-recorded programs that dictate how we behave, react and experience ourselves and the world.

This information has been imprinted onto our subconscious minds like music onto the track of a tape. We may not be aware of it, but we listen to the voice that spouts it everyday, and we do what it says. The writing on our wall is our most prominent advisor, and we consult it all day long.

It’s the writing on our wall that makes us repeat that same unhealthy habits and patterns, and keeps us feeling discouraged, fearful, and even sad. It includes everything we hold to be true, even if it’s not the truth. Our ego rallies to defend everything written on the wall, true or false — it’s all the ego is aware of.  

We often only become aware of what is written on our wall by hearing our inner critic. For all our conversations with family, friends, and coworkers, there is one person we speak to more than anyone else: our self. But too often the conversation goes like this: “No matter what I do, I just can’t get it right.” That’s because the inner-voice you’re hearing comes straight from the writing on your wall.

But we can all take back our power from the script on our walls. Follow these five steps:

1. Resolve to rewrite the pathways

There is no entity to control your subconscious programs. It’s the mind, not the brain that tells the body what to do. Your willpower and intentions need a new pathway. To create that, you need to examine what’s written on your walls. In the discovery process, you will also develop a new understanding, and a sense of forgiveness — for yourself as well as others. Remember that those others who wrote on our walls did so unknowingly, and they, in turn, were programmed by others, backward through time.

People simply do what they do. But we can move from the Shame /Blame, Good/Bad, Right/Wrong game to taking our own responsibility.

2. Write down everything the voice tells you

The first step to rewriting these pathways is to become conscious of how often we check in with the writing on the wall. Then we can begin the process of changing it. Start a journal, and soon you will notice clear patterns and better understand that inner voice. Focus your entries on your experience with that voice: record what it says, including all the details.

You will discover that the voice is not really who you are, it’s someone else’s story that was passed on to you. It may be the story of a parent, a caregiver, a teacher, or a friend. Note when you have conflicts with what the voice is saying, and don’t try to come up with answers. You’re just observing and allowing more questions to come to the surface.

3. Use questions to gain insights

Try to end each journal entry with a question instead of a statement, as a reminder to stay open during this process of discovery. Reality test what the voice says. Respond to the voice, telling it how you feel, and recording your emotions. And to gain insights on the nature of the writing on your wall, ask yourself these questions, making sure to you are paying attention to your answer:

• Do I hear/pay attention to the voice in my head?
• How often do I hear the voice in my head?
• What is it saying to me? Is it positive or negative?
• Is what the voice is saying ringing true or false?
• What do I think about what the voice says?
• Do I believe in what the voice is saying?
• Which statements do I agree with, and disagree with?
• What emotions come up for me when I hear the voice in my head?
• Does it sound like someone I might have heard before? And if so, who?

4. Reach Out to Others

Start an ongoing conversation with a friend or loved one, sharing your experiences of the voice in your head and the process of journaling. Encourage them to tell their story, talking about their inner voice and when it shows up for them. As they talk, practice active listening.

Share reflections on each of your experiences, discussing your conflicts or reactions. Talk about whether those voices have caused you to miss anything in your lives — opportunities, experiences, and events. Talk about what needs, attachments, or beliefs you might have had that either interfered with or supported that voice. 

5. Celebrate the Milestones

As you continue this practice, your mind will begin to dismantle any old template that is not being used. You’ll find that you will notice more quickly just when you’re hooked into habitual patterns, and that it’s easier to refrain from addictive or destructive habitual behaviors. A kind of shedding may start to happen — a shedding of old habits, a shedding of being held hostage by fear.

One day you will be free to simply be who you really are.

Standing up to the writing on your wall takes personal courage and honesty. Celebrate this growth in yourself as you undertake this process. Make sure to pat yourself on the back — for your ability to create change, disable that critical voice, and take back your power as you rewrite the writing on your wall.  

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/taking-back-your-power-breaking-free-from-the-writing-on-the-wall/

How I Handled a Toxic Boss (It Might Not Be What You’re Expecting)

Ah, the thrill of securing a new job. It’s exciting! There’s so much hope that goes into looking for a new role. The sense of professional validation that comes from making it through the application and interview process can be a little intoxicating. They’ve met you and they want you. Yay!

But what do you do when a few weeks into your highly anticipated new position you realize it isn’t the shiny opportunity you had hoped for? What if it turns out the culture is hostile and there’s one very obvious culprit: The Boss.

This was a very real scenario I found myself in a few years back.

I’d been working hard trying to climb that progression ladder in my old role but kept getting knocked back, without any proactive feedback to help me improve for next time. So I began to look elsewhere. Within a few months, an opportunity landed in my lap that sounded perfect. A global organization, great salary and perks, and the step up in job title I had been coveting. I applied, was interviewed, and offered the job.

As the first day at my new job approached, I eagerly awaited the sound of my alarm on Monday morning. During my first week, I noticed the rest of the team was subdued but assumed it was because my role was new and they weren’t used to reporting to someone. At the end of the week, I took them all out for a drink after work to get to know them a bit better. I was surprised when they began to tell me they were relieved I was there and confused by their cryptic assertions they hoped “things would get better now.”

The following week everything became clearer. My boss, the one who had been overseeing the team — and who interviewed me for the role — began to reveal another side that completely blindsided me.

Signs of a Toxic Boss

In research conducted by Gallup, 60% of people reported that their boss makes them miserable at work. It’s not uncommon to come up against personalities we clash with on the job. Navigating these clashes is a sign of good emotional intelligence, and definitely, something to work on as an area to cultivate peace at work.

However, there is a big difference between a personality clash and someone who is toxic. Especially when this person is in a position of power. Some of the signs of a toxic boss include:

• Micromanaging
• Lack of compassion or social skills
  
• No interest in staff wellbeing or development
• Takes personal credit for all the team’s good work
• Blames his or her mistakes or errors on the team
• Belittles, ridicules or acts abusively towards you or a colleague
  
• Dismissive of ideas or team input
• Gossiping, bitching, and backstabbing in the office

When it came to my experience, my boss displayed all of these behaviors. One day they would be charming, kind and interested in my work and personal life. The next day they were abusive, volatile and all too happy to tell me how incompetent I was. They were also smart. They left no paper trail of the way they treated staff. All emails and voicemails reflected the charming persona they worked hard to present to clients and other senior management.

What to Do When Dealing with a Toxic Boss

Toxic bosses tend to fall into one of three camps: narcissistic, dictator, or inadequate. Knowing how to handle a toxic boss depends on which one of these camps the boss falls into. Inadequate bosses may be the easier of the three to handle and find ways of getting along with because their reasoning for being toxic is evident — they’re usually fearful you could do a better job than them. Finding ways to offer reassurance and collaborate is the best way to transform this relationship.

It’s much harder to overcome the challenges of a toxic boss when they fall into the narcissistic or dictator camps. These are usually ingrained behaviors that stem from their own experiences and perceptions of the world. These behaviors can be very difficult to change.

There’s a wealth of articles out there providing proactive advice on how to deal with a toxic boss. Many of these provide practical tips like setting verbal boundaries and how to report the behavior to HR.

What did I do?

I resigned.

Two months into my new role, I knew I had to make a decision. The emotional toll of dealing with this person was bleeding into all areas of my life and I knew I didn’t want to spend another lunch break hiding in the ladies toilets, crying over my sandwiches.

It might sound a bit defeatist, but my number one priority was my emotional safety.

One friend told me I should have stuck it out, made formal complaints, protected the rest of the team. The members on my team had been working in their roles ranging from one to eight (!) years working under the toxic boss. I decided their capacity to cope or put up with this individual didn’t need to be mine. I discussed my resignation with them before having a meeting with HR. I made it clear to HR why I was leaving and requested to work my notice from home, with no further contact with the boss. HR agreed.

It took me a month to find another job, but the relief of being out from under this person vastly outweighed the stress of job hunting. My next job reaffirmed that I’d made the right decision, with an incredibly supportive Manager and Director who really helped me to progress and develop as a professional.

I also wrote about why it’s important to ask the question about your bosses professional conduct before accepting a new job. It’s not easy to do, but with so little accountability or policy in place to protect new employees entering a workplace with a known toxic manager, I personally feel it’s well worth doing.

There’s the saying “you don’t live to work, you work to live.” One of the biggest career lessons I’ve learned is that work doesn’t have to be painful. Putting my emotional health first led me to better things. If you’re in a similar situation, it might be worth considering.

References:

Campbell, S. (2018). 6 effective tactics for handling a toxic boss. Entrepreneur. Retrieved from https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/320696

Cantero-Gomez, P. (2018). Emotional Intelligence & Where To Start When You Don’t Have It At All. Forbes. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/palomacanterogomez/2018/10/26/emotional-intelligence-where-to-start-when-you-dont-have-it-at-all/#39f4a1b450e4

Fisher, A. (2011). 5 ways to manage your autocratic boss. Fortune. Retrieved from http://fortune.com/2011/05/06/5-ways-to-manage-your-autocratic-boss/

Ni, P. (2015). 10 signs your boss is a narcissist [blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/communication-success/201505/10-signs-your-boss-manager-is-narcissist

Ryan, L. (2017). Five signs your boss is a weak manager. Forbes. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/lizryan/2017/03/19/five-signs-your-boss-is-a-weak-manager/#1a07590240e8

McIntyre, M.G. (2017). Should you complain about your boss? [blog post]. Retrieved from http://www.yourofficecoach.com/coaching-resources/managing-your-boss/managing-up/should-you-complain-about-your-boss

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-i-handled-a-toxic-boss-it-might-not-be-what-youre-expecting/

7 Women Who Inspire Me

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.” In other words, hang with the winners. A few months ago, my therapist gave me the assignment to think about the wise women in my life, warriors who had persevered through difficulties in their lives to emerge as stronger figures, examples of resilience who could serve as my teachers. I went even further and interviewed each one, asking them about the force or philosophy behind their strength.

The following women have survived illness, divorce, deaths, lay-offs, but pressed on with a tenacity that inspires me. They are world travelers, executives, communication professionals, caregivers, and master healers who have made the world a better place.

1. Rose Pike

Angel Rose holds a special place in my heart because she has showered me with kindness at difficult crossroads in my life. She was my editor at a health website three years ago when I experienced a severe depressive episode. Instead of berating me for my slower writing pace at that time, she sent me flowers and cut my workload in half. Kindness is synonymous with Rose. Her imprint of compassion is evident in every feature she publishes for the different websites she has worked for. As a writer, I am inspired by her unwavering dedication to disseminate stories of hope for persons faced with chronic conditions.

An adventurous spirit, Rose told me one of her biggest obstacles was breaking free from the routine and comfortable life of her family life growing up. Although difficult, she moved away from her hometown in order to find a new life of her own. “That distance helped me become my own person,” she said. The support of her daughter and daughter-in-law and her friends helps sustain her today.

Her advice to young women is to persist and to not resist change because things are always changing. To that end, her favorite quote is the chorus of Bob Dylan’s song, “Things Have Changed,” which says, “People are crazy and times are strange, I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range, I used to care, but things have changed.”

2. Carolyn Casey

Carolyn was seven when her mother committed suicide. Her father abandoned his children and left town. The bottom fell out of her world. She and her 2-year-old sister and 4-year-old brother lived with their grandparents, and Carolyn became the caretaker for her younger siblings.

Some years later, her father married a woman who despised Carolyn and was abusive to her. Her stepmother would lock herself in her room reading and separated herself from her children, which numbered seven at that time. Carolyn turned to a higher power and prayed for strength and courage. In her darkest moments, she knew from deep within herself that there was something greater than herself.

At age 40, Carolyn found herself divorced with three children. She now understood the pain her mother felt and why she wanted to end her life. She turned the struggles of her past into strength and courage, and a desire to help lift up others from their suffering and facilitate healing.  She could have given up and become an embittered person, but through the grace of a higher power she continues her journey in gratitude and knows for certain that there is something greater than ourselves that loves us even when we don’t. A feisty, single woman who devotes her time to causes, her children, grandchildren, and friends, she inspires me with her tireless energy toward service to others. Carolyn’s favorite quote is Soren Kierkegaard’s observation: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

3. Eileen Bailey

I consider Eileen the female Job; however, she never whined to God. She simply took the next step to make her life better. Eileen endured the most difficult loss when she lost her son two years ago. Proactive in her grief and with everything in her life, she turned her pain into love and created scrapbooks of her son’s life for her grandson and formed a tighter bond with him.

I asked her how she was able to persevere through such a tragedy and keep a positive attitude. “Just do it,” she said, “like the Nike ad. Break your day down and do the thing in front of you.” She stays busy as a regular contributor to HealthCentral in addition to a day job.

Laughter and friends also keep her sane. After her second divorce, when her daughter moved away to school, she found herself lonely. She looked up a group on Meetup for women over 50, but they didn’t have many activities, so she created her own group. They met for breakfast six years ago and are still friends today.

Eileen’s favorite quotes are:

• “We never truly get over a loss, but we can move forward and evolve from it.” – Elizabeth Berrien
• “The journey never ends…”
• “If you want to have a friend, you first need to be a friend,” one that her mother told her often and what drove her to create the Meetup group.

4. Lisa Hillman

Lisa never meant to become a poster child for parents coping with a child’s drug problem. She was an accomplished health care administrator, a fundraising executive married to former Annapolis Mayor Richard Hillman, and a mother of two.

Few people knew about the nightmare that was unfolding at home starting with a phone call from her son’s high school teacher the start of his senior year, alerting her to his possible marijuana use. Jacob’s addiction unraveled from there, resulting in a dependence on opiates that threw his life into reverse. Jacob’s story has a happy ending. He eventually got sober and stayed sober after visiting a few inpatient treatment centers.

Lisa chronicles the journey to hell and back in a riveting, poignant book called Secret No More: A True Story of Hope for Parents With an Addicted Child. But even more inspiring than her pages is the woman who wrote it. Her life, as well as her words, speak of the journey of shedding shame and guilt to make room for a bolder kind of love. In her blog, she shares powerful anecdotes on how to lower expectations, walk through fear, ask for support, let go of control, and hang on to hope. Whenever I experience bouts of insecurity about sharing my story, I call up Lisa for a much-needed reminder to be authentic.

Lisa has several favorite quotes:

• “Take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves.” – from her father
• “You are stronger than you know.” – from her mother
• “One day at a time.”
• “You can glance back at your past, just don’t stare.”
• “We are here on earth to serve others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” – W.H. Auden

5. Jen Brining

Jen is the lay Mother Teresa, traveling the world and giving back in her unique way. She divides her time between her son’s house in New Jersey, helping with her new granddaughter, and leading Habitat for Humanity group trips in Asia, Africa, and Central America. These “volunteer vacations” entail more than erecting physical infrastructures, they build community. For Jen, there is nothing like the rewarding, emotional feeling she has every time she leaves a build.

“Although the initial intent is to help families by building a house, latrine, or a stove,” she explained to me, “we are immersed in their community, in their homes … in their lives. There is a unique bonding of friendships between fellow volunteers, the deserving homeowner, the local community, and international cultures.”

Jen’s hardest obstacle was losing a child, one of two twins at birth. She overcame it by being the best mother she could possibly be to her amazing two children. Her advice to young women? “Be yourself, follow your dreams, but take the opportunity to travel internationally as soon as you can. It will change your outlook on life.” Her favorite quote is “Not All Who Wander Are Lost,” often attributed to J.R.R. Tolkien.

6. Michelle Rapkin

Even as Michelle’s professional life blossomed early with several executive positions within the publishing field, her love life took a little longer. In her mid 40s, Michelle met and married the love of her life, Bob, and lived 10 years of happy ever after until he died from complications from gall bladder surgery. She took the tragedy in stride because she was well-trained in the school of hard knocks.

Just two years after marrying Bob, Michelle was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, which she eventually beat, achieving remission. One of Michelle’s best gems concerns the 14 days between her blood tests and a diagnosis. “Don’t waste 14 days,” became her motto, not just about that time of uncertainty but about life with cancer and anxiety and loss. She made a very deliberate intention to live life to the fullest.

Today Michelle’s cancer has returned, and she is in the midst of different treatments. Once again, she concentrates her efforts on moving forward and does not waste any time in regret. Michelle’s favorite quote is “This, too, shall pass.”

7. Mary Beth Beaudry

Strong women make remarkable mothers. Mary Beth’s absolute devotion to her two daughters immediately impressed me as well as her ambition to live a life well lived with a strong moral compass, characterized by integrity, respect, and service and love toward others. While her marriage of 20 years was collapsing to take better care of herself so that she could, in turn, take better care of her daughters, she was proactive in four ways: she relied upon her faith, embraced Transcendental Meditation, focused on her work as Research Nurse Manager and Program Administrator for the Mood Disorders Center at Johns Hopkins, and pursued her own growth gaining admittance to a top doctoral program. Her ambition is to be the greatest mother and role model for her daughters that she can be. 

Mary Beth is a personal cheerleader to countless persons, including me, who battle mood disorders. She was the first one to send me an encouraging note after I published a very raw post about my suicidal ideations. Her compassion and optimism, combined with her skills as a communicator, spread hope to those who desperately need it and inspire those burdened by different conditions to take the next step toward wellness. Mary Beth shared she adopted Kesha’s “Praying” as her personal anthem during the most challenging time in her life: “I’m proud of who I am…. I can breathe again…. and now the best is yet to come.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-women-who-inspire-me/

Should Mental Health Determine Pain Treatment Options?

Patients with a mental health condition might have a hard time accessing opioids for pain relief, while patients with unexplained pain are often referred to psychiatric care, which does little to alleviate their symptoms. Finding treatment can be frustrating and humiliating.

Four years ago, Dez Nelson’s pain management clinic demanded that she complete a visit with a psychologist. Nelson was surprised, since she had no history of mental illness, but she didn’t feel that she could push back on the request.

“Of course I said okay — I didn’t want to lose my treatment,” Nelson told The Fix. “I was not happy about it, but I did it.”

Nelson, 38, went to the appointment and had a mixed experience with the psychologist. She hasn’t been back since and the pain clinic hasn’t asked her to visit a psychologist again. Still, Nelson said that the experience highlighted — yet again — the discrimination pain patients face.

“It was a condition of my continued care,” she said. “It seemed like they’re bringing it up in a beneficial light, as part of a multi-pronged approach to pain care. But I don’t think [mental health treatment] should be forced on a patient who doesn’t think they need it.”

Chronic pain and mental illness are among the most stigmatized conditions in modern medicine. The conditions frequently intersect and change the way that patients are cared for and treated. Patients who have a mental illness might have a hard time accessing opioids for pain relief, while patients with unexplained pain are often referred to psychiatric care, which does little to alleviate their physical symptoms. At the same time, research suggests there is a strong connection between mental health and pain: depression can cause painful physical symptoms, while living with chronic pain can cause people to become depressed.

All of this makes treating chronic pain and mental illness complex and frustrating for doctors and patients alike.

A Mental Health Diagnosis Affects the Way Your Doctor Treats You

Elizabeth* is a professor in her mid-thirties who had undiagnosed Lyme disease for eight years. Her Lyme contributed to the development of an autoimmune disease that has led to widespread inflammatory and nerve pain throughout her body. Elizabeth also has bipolar disorder. Despite the fact that she has been stable on medication for a decade, her mental health diagnosis complicates her pain treatment.

“Doctors’ demeanor changes when I tell them my medications. When I say I have bipolar disorder, it’s a whole different ballpark. To them that’s clearly a risk factor and red flag for drug abuse,” Elizabeth said.

Opioids are one of the few treatments Elizabeth has found that works to alleviate her pain. But she also takes benzodiazepines on an as-needed basis to control her anxiety (usually once a week). Even though Elizabeth is well aware of the risk of combining the two medications and knows better than to take the two pills together, doctors refuse to prescribe both. They don’t seem to trust her not to abuse them.

“I could tell them that I wouldn’t take them together. But that’s not a valid choice,” Elizabeth said.

While doctors were extremely cautious about this drug interaction, they didn’t focus on another drug-related risk: medications that are used to treat nerve pain can cause adverse reactions in patients with bipolar disorder. No one warned Elizabeth of this danger, and she ended up being hospitalized for psychosis after a long stretch of stability.

“The doctors didn’t talk about it because it’s just a side effect, not a liability concern,” she said.

On the flip-side, Elizabeth has experienced psychiatric providers who were skeptical of her pain diagnosis.

“They wrote in my chart that I had a delusion that I had Lyme disease,” she said…

Find out more about the complications of treating pain in patients with mental illness, the dangers of confusing one’s body with one’s psyche, and the “time bomb” of untreated pain in the original article Should Your Mental Health Determine How Your Pain Is Treated? at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/should-mental-health-determine-pain-treatment-options/

Meaningful Ways to Improve Your Mental Health

Our mental health isn’t static.

It is something we can change and improve and build on. Which is why coach and speaker Miles Adcox prefers the term “mental or emotional fitness.” He says: “Fitness conjures the idea that we have some control and work we can do to improve the status of our mental and emotional well-being.”

The fact that our mental health is dynamic provides us with a great opportunity to learn and grow and create and course-correct.

Adcox defines mental health as “the power, understanding, strength, and empathy, around your mood and feelings towards yourself and others.”

Similarly, according to marriage and family therapist Austin Houghtaling, Ph.D, mental health is how we respond to stressors and relate to others and ourselves. Another critical component of mental health, Houghtaling said, is our emotional awareness: “How aware am I of my internal emotional climate and how does this influence my thoughts and behaviors?”

Our mental health can help us make truly supportive decisions. And our mental health can help us lead fulfilling, healthy lives.

How?

Below, you’ll find three meaningful ways you can boost your mental health and create more fulfillment.

Reclaim empty spaces. Before technology, we used to have actual downtime: “moments in the checkout line, with our animals, pumping gas, mowing the lawn, walking down the street, or through an airport,” according to Adcox, owner and CEO of Onsite Workshops, an emotional wellness center located outside of Nashville that delivers personal growth workshops, inspiring content, leadership retreats, and emotional treatment. During these empty spaces and moments, we might’ve smiled at a stranger, daydreamed, admired the beauty around us, brainstormed ideas, or simply rested, he said. This was important. Because all these things constitute “some of the best medicine available for our hearts, soul, and mind.”

To reclaim empty moments, Adcox suggested limiting screen time, creating margins in our schedules, and saying ‘no.’ (These tips can help you set boundaries, especially if you tend toward people-pleasing behavior.)

Similarly, Houghtaling, the chief clinical officer at Onsite Workshops, believes that slowing down “may be the single greatest tool to begin changing our mental health for the better.” Because slowing down connects “you to yourself, others, and your surroundings.”

Slowing down can mean simply pausing for 60 seconds, noticing our breath and feeling our feet connecting with the ground, Houghtaling said.

It also can literally mean stopping to smell the roses—or pulling over for 15 minutes on your drive home from work to watch the sunset, he said.

In addition, Houghtaling suggested keeping a sticky note on your computer, or setting an alert to remind you to close your eyes and take four deep breaths. During this time, you might check in with a higher power or feel your feet on the floor, he said.

“Another simple mindfulness exercise is using your senses to identify five things you see; four things you hear; three things you can feel or touch; two things you can smell; and finally one thing you can taste.”

According to Houghtaling, we also can have a kind of sponsor or accountability partner who supports us in slowing down, and paying closer attention to the present. Maybe you email or text each other every night about a small miracle you noticed that day. Maybe you send a photo, or chat. Maybe you meet for lunch weekly or monthly and simply talk about your experiences with slowing down.

Identify unhealthy behaviors. Another way to boost your mental health is to be honest about the behaviors you’re engaging in that are disconnecting you from your feelings or leading you to avoid them, Houghtaling said. These behaviors can involve anything—from our screens, to several glasses of wine, to work.

To identify your unhealthy behaviors, Houghtaling suggested reflecting on these questions:

• Do I notice an uptick in how much I use _______ when I feel a particular emotion? If so, which emotion?
• Which emotions lead to which behaviors for me?
• What patterns do I notice in general? (For example, maybe you find yourself spending more time at the office whenever your parents are in town.)
• Have I received any feedback from others, even humorous, about a certain behavior? (For instance, maybe your colleague regularly jokes about how much coffee you drink before a board meeting. Maybe your best friend has commented that you’re constantly on your phone.)
• Is a certain behavior or pattern helping me to recharge and reconnect? Or is it actually a form of disconnection—“from people, feelings, responsibilities”?

Houghtaling also suggested talking to a friend or family member who’s able to challenge you, instead of telling you what you want to hear. “[A]sk them to observe your certain behavior over time and give you feedback. If you find yourself not wanting to ask someone for this feedback, that may give you relevant feedback in and of itself.”

Lastly, you can pick a certain behavior—scrolling social media, drinking wine—and abstain from it for 30 days, noting how you feel without it.

Expand your “window of tolerance.” This idea comes from prominent psychiatrist and neurobiologist Dan Siegel, who’s talked about expanding our window of tolerance with different emotions. According to Houghtaling, “this refers to a zone where we can experience a certain emotion and stay connected to ourselves and others, without either shutting down (hypoarousal) or ramping up (hyperarousal) to the point of disconnection.”

In other words, he said, we can use curiosity to explore and stay with an emotion, “without shutting down or revving up.”

The emotions you’re comfortable feeling and expressing (and not so much) may be affected by a variety of factors, including your childhood. As Houghtaling noted, some families have a large window of tolerance for sadness, but a narrow window for anger. For example, when you felt sad, your parents were compassionate, available, and happy to discuss your feelings and help you navigate them in a healthy way. But your parents taught you that anger is an awful emotion that must be avoided at all costs.

Houghtaling suggested processing our emotions with different forms of creative expression, such as journaling, writing a song or a poem, or painting a picture. He also stressed the importance of working with a therapist, who can help you understand how you process emotions, sit with difficult emotions, and learn effective coping skills.

Enhancing your mental health is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, Adcox said. “Doing our own personal work is not what we need, it’s what we all deserve.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/meaningful-ways-to-improve-your-mental-health/

Best of Our Blogs: March 26, 2019

We’ve all got lists. To-do lists. Goal lists. Grocery lists. And the list that may never make it to a sheet of paper, but runs through your head daily. It’s a compilation of all the ways you fall short.

Instead of that self-destructive mash of reasons why you should have called your friend, shouldn’t have picked your kid up late and how you’ll never find the right person, did you ever create a courage list?

Sometimes in your desire to achieve you compare yourself to people’s best days. You forget that you’re juggling parenthood and chronic illness or survived a traumatic childhood. You forget you’ve done some amazing things.

While you’re planning your week spend a few minutes jotting down all the things you’ve done that’s courageous. It might just be the boost you need to tackle that next big thing.

Childhood Emotional Neglect Took Your Voice Away: How to Take it Back
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – Your thoughts and feelings were never heard or validated. As an adult, you’ve lost your true voice. Here’s how to reclaim it.

Very Grand Emotions: How Autistics and Neurotypicals Experience Emotions Differently
(Unapologetically Aspie) – Just because someone in your life with autism doesn’t cry at movies or feel sorry for you, it doesn’t mean they’re cold and emotionless. They could be feeling this.

A Practice That Doesn’t Exactly Feel Like Self-Care But Totally Is
(Weightless) – This may inspire you to do the thing you dread. Here are fun, creative ways to clean up and organize the clutter in your life.

Boundaries, Blaming, and Enabling in Codependent Relationships
(Happily Imperfect) – This one thing can stop the blame game in your relationships.

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from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-march-26-2019/

How to Let Conflict & Change Be Your Teachers

What can conflict and change teach you?

Life is full of potential friction. We expect relationships to last forever, situations to have certain outcomes, jobs to last longer than they do. However, life tends to serve us what we need to grow and evolve rather than what will keep us safe.

How we tend to the pain of those disappointments — both big and small — define whether we get stuck in an eddy of emotional turmoil, or ultimately evolve into our next level of growth.

When faced with disappointment, many of us go into a tailspin, brought to our knees by the pain of our experience. According to Sue Morter, author of The Energy Codes, struggling against our experience, being a “warrior”, and “marching on”, ultimately only serve to keep us stuck in our pain. She contends that this “Protective Personality, a product of the thinking mind,” is simply an effort to avoid the pain, and essentially keeps us stuck in our story about what is happening.

What must happen, according to Morter, is a surrender to our “Soulful Self”, or the “essential, energetic part of our nature.” This surrender cannot be done in the mind, but must be experienced in the body. The places that show us where we are still stuck in our story are experienced as places of friction in our lives. Morter offers a practice called “Take it to the Body” to help us experience the friction in our lives as a teacher.

“Whenever friction happens in your life and you have an emotional or ‘charged’ reaction, immediately ask ‘Where?’ rather than “Why?’ — as in, ‘Where in the body do I feel this?’ rather than ‘Why is this happening to me?’”

• Bring your awareness into your body and notice where the reaction or “charge” is felt. Morter says “it may feel like tightness or tension, vibrating or buzzing sensations, jittering or quivering, dull or sharp pain, heat or cold. A shift will occur.”
• Consider these questions about the feelings you notice. Where are these feelings located and do they move around? What name would you give the sensation? “What energy center, or chakra, does the location of the sensation most closely correspond to?”
• Relate to the area of sensation by “internally squeezing” it. Essentially you are letting your body know that you are listening to it.
• “As you squeeze the muscles in that area, do the Central Channel Breathing, and include the specific area of sensation in the exercise.” Central Channel Breathing involves inhaling a deep belly breath as you feel the energy move from the earth into your feet, up through your legs, and into your pelvis, then exhaling up through your central core; your belly, your heart and up through the crown of your head. Then you shift the direction, inhaling as you draw the energy down from above your head, through your ‘central channel’ and exhaling from your pelvis, down your legs, and into the earth. Continue this type of breathing, including squeezing the area of sensation as you breathe through it until you feel a “shift in your energy.”

Morter promises that this “ is one of the most powerful practices for expediting your evolution in consciousness and embodiment. Instead of wasting time and energetic resources writing stories about the ‘rightness’ or ‘wrongness’ of what’s happened, or blaming yourself or others,” this practice allows you to focus in on “where you are activated in that moment and get to work resolving the issue in the spot that’s calling out for your attention.”

“You must be consciously present with everything if you want to truly process it,” writes Morter, and she encourages readers to feel what they are feeling even as they work through this practice. This requires vulnerability, and she writes emphatically, “your vulnerability is your power.” When we can work with our wounding at the level of energy, we have the possibility of integrating the parts of ourselves that are stuck. “Then,” writes Morter, “miraculously, the emotional charge around the situation suddenly disappears. Where fear and conflict once were, we suddenly have the inner resources of wisdom, resilience, and joy.”

This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-let-conflict-change-be-your-teachers/