Here’s How to Beat Narcissists at Their Own Game

Beat them at their own game.

Don’t employ these four positive character traits when you’re in love with, work for, were parented by, or are friends (frenemies) with a narcissist. These are admirable and useful traits when offered to “normal” people who don’t have the traits that typify a narcissist:

Early Warning Signs That The Person You’re In Love With Is A Narcissist

• An abundance of empathy.
• A strong desire to rescue and help.
• A willingness to try harder to make the relationship work.
• A strong sense of responsibility.

On the other end of the spectrum are the traits of a narcissist:

• Interpersonally exploitative.
• Lacking empathy: unwilling or unable to recognize the feelings and needs of others.
• Negative reaction to criticism (they can interpret us asking to have our needs met as criticism).
• Difficulty in admitting mistakes or taking responsibility for their bad behavior.
• Using fear to control people.

An example of how not to act around a narcissist comes from my long-ago narcissistic relationship:

My live-in boyfriend didn’t come until 7 AM from a “boys night out.” I was prepared to have it out with him. Get him to admit that he was cheating so I’d have the proof I needed to break up with him. Instead, he came home and grilled me. Did I call his friend Colin at 4 AM to find out where he was? (Controlling me by making me fearful I’d done something wrong.) Yes, I did call Colin.

My strong misplaced sense of responsibility kicked in. I began to doubt. Maybe it was my fault he stayed out all night because I was always trying to track him down? It’s no wonder, he said, that he couldn’t commit to a woman who behaves like “white trash.” If I could just trust him, he said, and quit trying to control him, his bad behavior would stop.

My abundance of empathy and need to try harder kicked in. I forgave him for staying out all night because maybe I was a shrew who made him want to rebel.

So, I’d just have to try harder to put up with his inconsistency, unreliability and (if I could set denial aside) his infidelities. And since he was tired from his night out he “really didn’t want to discuss our relationship right then.” (My desire to rescue and help kicked in and I let him off the hook. At least I didn’t make him breakfast!)

Unbelievable Memories Of Growing Up With A Narcissistic Mother

And don’t let passion blind you to reason! Our sexual organs often don’t care if our lover is a narcissist. So, how can you protect yourself when you’re in a relationship with someone like this? By learning how not to act around a narcissist who uses your positive character traits against you.

1. Learn all the narcissistic personality traits in a location on your body where you can see them (for me it would be my tummy).
2. Get into recovery for co-dependency (Twelve-step recovery is amazing).
3. Use emotional detachment to stop trying to manipulate, rescue, fix or people-please the narcissist.
4. Never reveal what hurts you or makes you feel vulnerable to a narcissist​​.

Dr. Athena Staik Ph.D. writes, “Expressing vulnerable emotions is vital to life balance and peace of mind, but do so only with safe others — never a narcissist. A narcissist literally uses this information to get into your mind, instilling fear to steal your sense of self, by crippling your brain’s capacity to clearly think. That means, while you’re pouring your heart and spilling your guts, the narcissist you’re talking to, like a mad scientist, listens only to gather data… to execute strategies to exploit and take possession of your mind, heart, soul for his (her) gain alone.”

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The 4 Personality Traits Narcissists Take Advantage Of (And How To Hide Them).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/31/heres-how-to-beat-narcissists-at-their-own-game/

8 Simple Ways to Give and Why Giving Is Good for You

Winston Churchill once said, “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”

Giving feels good. We’ve all experienced that high from doing something good: donating our used books to the library, feeding the homeless at the soup kitchen, walking for AIDS or another cause, calling or visiting an older relative, or giving  someone a very personal and meaningful gift that they appreciated.

According to sociologists Christian Smith and Hilary Davidson of the Science of Generosity Initiative at the University of Notre Dame, Americans who volunteer an average of 5.8 hours per month describe themselves as “very happy,” while those who volunteer 0.6 hours say they are unhappy.

In their book The Paradox of Generosity, they also say that Americans who donate more than 10 percent of their incomes have lower depression rates than those who don’t.

But you don’t have to spend a year of your life on a mission trip or give half of our paycheck to a charity in order to give. There are so many ways to give.

Here are some, inspired by Jennifer Iacovelli’s book Simple Giving: Easy Ways to Give Every Day:

1. Spend Money on Others

Even a small gesture like buying someone a gum ball or a mint can increase your sense of happiness. A 2008 article published in Science reported on research done by social psychologist Liz Dunn of the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, Canada.

She and her colleagues surveyed more than 600 Americans and found that those who spent money on others experienced a greater level of happiness and satisfaction rather than those who spent money on themselves.

In a second research project, Dunn’s team questioned 16 employees in line for a company bonus of $3,000 to $8,000 about their level of happiness.  After they got the bonus, Dunn’s team went back to the employees and talked to them again about how happy they felt, as well as how they spent the money. The size of the bonus didn’t determine their level of happiness — but the amount spent on others or given to charity did correlate with happiness levels.

2. Spend Time with Others

Spending time with someone can be just as or more meaningful as spending money on him or her.

In her book, Iacovelli mentions a study where $10 Starbucks cards were handed out in four different ways. People were told to:

• Give the card to someone else.
• Take someone out for coffee using the card.
• Get coffee alone.
• Go for coffee with a friend but spend the gift certificate on themselves.

The group of participants who spent the gift card on someone else while spending time with that person experienced the highest happiness levels.

Our time is often worth more than our money these days, and spending it on someone with nothing to gain for ourselves (like networking opportunities) is a beautiful gift.

3. Volunteer … Untraditionally

I don’t think you need to volunteer in the traditional sense of spending several hours a week at a program or institution to reap the benefits of doing good.

Volunteering can mean visiting an elderly neighbor or running an errand for a friend. It can mean doing tax returns for a relative or walking your mom’s dog.

For persons who suffer from chronic pain and depression, volunteering (however you chose to do it) can be an important part of recovery. According to a study published in 2002 in Pain Management Nursing, nurses suffering from chronic pain experienced declines in their pain intensity and decreased levels of disability and depression when they served as peer volunteers for others also suffering from chronic pain.

“Despite encountering challenges, the rewards of this altruistic endeavor outweighed any frustrations experienced by volunteers with chronic pain,” says the abstract.

4. Be Emotionally Available

In The Paradox of Generosity,  Smith and Davidson say that another way we can give is in our relationships — by being emotionally available, generous, and hospitable.

And it has a health benefit. Those who are more giving in relationships are more likely to be in excellent health (48 percent) than those who are not (31 percent), they write.

This is perhaps the most challenging form of giving — to always be there (mind, body, and spirit) — for our spouse, our kids, our parents. When we’re sincere in this form of giving, it pays huge dividends in our lives.

5. Perform Acts of Kindness

I listed some acts of kindness under volunteering because I believe almost any kind of spending time with others is a form of volunteering that can boost your mood.

You can perform an act of kindness almost anywhere and at anytime. You can be as creative and involved as you want — devoting days to an elaborate project, or doing good in just a few seconds. Here are some acts of kindness I’m thinking of, but there are so many!

• Holding open a door for someone
• Letting someone with a few items cut in front of you at the grocery
• Smiling at a stranger and saying hello
• Counseling a friend
• Picking up your neighbor’s newspaper
• Calling an older, lonely person to chat
• Bringing your dog to a retirement home for folks to pet
• Helping an elderly person to her car
• Allowing a car to cut in front of you in traffic

6. Compliment Someone

The act of kindness I enjoy the most is complimenting people. It’s so easy, doesn’t cost anything, and always lifts my mood.

I will compliment a complete stranger on her blouse; tell the waitress she has a beautiful smile; praise the cashier at the grocery for being really fast; and commend the studious girl in my carpool for her discipline and conscientiousness. Complimenting someone takes me out of myself for a minute, which is often a relief. By making someone else feel good about themselves, I automatically feel better about myself.

7. Make Someone Laugh

Making someone laugh is the most fun way of giving and one of the very best gifts you can offer someone. As I’ve said before, laughing is one of the most potent antidepressants. It’s almost impossible to be anxious and fearful when you’re laughing.

Charlie Chaplain once said, “To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it.” So if I can get someone to laugh — even a slight cackle — then I’m helping him or her to relieve the pain or pressure they carry. And in the process, I am helping to relieve mine as well.

8. Tell Your Story

“Stories are a communal currency of humanity,” writes Tahir Shah in Arabian Nights.

By telling your story, you are giving someone an intimate part of yourself. It’s no small gesture of generosity. We can tell our stories formally, in blogs and books and presentations. But most of the time, we tell our stories in coffee shops and hospital waiting rooms, at gyms and in churches, in grocery store aisles, and at support group meetings.

Telling your story can be immensely rewarding when it’s done sincerely and with the right person. Sometimes it can even be life-saving for you or for the person hearing your testimony.

Join Project Hope & Beyond, a depression support group.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/31/8-simple-ways-to-give-and-why-giving-is-good-for-you/

Podcast: What Does Binge Eating Disorder Feel Like?

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe Howard and Vincent M. Wales discuss Binge Eating Disorder. At his heaviest, Gabe weighed 550 pounds. He describes in detail how he went from a “normal-sized” guy to being morbidly obese, his return to being “normal-sized,” and addresses the question of whether he was, in fact, addicted to food. During the second half of the show, our hosts welcome Lisa, a woman who was with Gabe during this period of his life. She shares her experience of what it was like being with someone with binge eating disorder and how he finally confronted it.

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Show Highlights:

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[1:13]     What is Binge Eating Disorder?

[5:27]     Is Binge Eating Disorder Really a food addiction?

[11:23]   Gabe’s Friend, Lisa, describes what Gabe was like at 550 pounds.

[12:34]   Gabe confronts binge eating disorder.

[13:45]   Gabe describes his gastric bypass surgery experience.

Listen as Our Hosts Talk About Binge Eating Disorder

“One of the things I remember very specifically about being so heavy was just the difficulty that I had doing things.” ~ Gabe Howard

Proud Sponsor of The Psych Central Show

 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/31/podcast-what-does-binge-eating-disorder-feel-like/

A Twitter Diagnosis

Hypothetical tweet from @DumpTrump: “Did you see the latest Trump meltdown? How did we elect such a megalomania? No question, the guy is mentally ill.”

In a snarkily filled tweet (or, let’s say, a snarkily written 500-word column), we impugn the President’s mental stability. And we — composing that latest Facebook missive or Twitter soundbite — are not alone. From CNN to Washington Post, armchair commentators have diagnosed Trump with a buffet of mental health issues. “He is narcissistic,” the commentators scream. “No, he isn’t narcissistic; the problem is his inability to control his impulsive tendencies,” another talking head bloviates. “No, it isn’t his impulsiveness; the real problem is his bullying, disparaging treatment of, well, anyone,” the latest scribe sneers.  

Sure, Trump’s behavior is more erratic than egalitarian. For him, facts are merely speed bumps, summarily driven over or, at best, ignored. His rants and raves would make Bobby Knight cringe. As a self-respecting journalist, I shudder whenever he decries the fake news media or blasts his critics’ patriotism.  

But is he mentally ill? And, better question, are we qualified to assess his mental status?

The answer — at least to the latter question: an unequivocal no. Yes, Trump’s behavior is coarse–even threatening. From his casual footsie with Charlottesville’s torch-wielding bigots to his disdain for Constitutional checks and balances, his rhetoric is deeply disturbing. Borderline unconscionable for this unflinching Democrat.

But crazy or insane? A mental health diagnosis is more nuanced than a five minutes soundbite of a bloviating Trump. To wit, the DSM-5 lists nine symptoms of major depressive disorder. It may takes months — or even years — for a general practitioner to correctly diagnose a patient’s mental health condition. But, somehow, you and uncle Bob have pinpointed the Orange Hairpiece’s clinical diagnosis?

Really.

More than the ceaseless chatter about Trump’s mental health illness(es), there is a darker concern: the politicization of mental health issues. In our overheated times, we casually toss around pejorative mental health labels with a swift, damning ease. From Trump decrying James Comey as a “nut job” to prominent Democrats castigating Trump’s mental health–or lack thereof, the political parties have finally found a unifying message: mental health conjecture as parlor game.

This “sport” is more sinister than your standard “throw out all the bums” analysis. As we casually exchange mental health barbs, aren’t we mainstreaming–unconsciously or otherwise–the most vile of campaign tactics? Somehow it is now fair game to question a politician’s mental health in the crudest of terms? All for the sake of scoring cheap political points? This stretches political and, well, human decency. Even more concerning: its chilling effect on mental health discussions among the general public. As well-respected public figures hurl mental health invective at one another, this further stigmatizes mental health openness/transparency among the general public. But apparently for Joe Q. Public Official, this is immaterial. Mental health is now a weapon of political destruction. Consequences be damned.  

That (American) shining city on the hill? Well, it has lost a little bit of luster as politicians and surrogates spew mental health insults at one another. Forget Make America Great Again, let’s just make it civil @DumpTrump and, yes, @realDonaldTrump.  

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/30/a-twitter-diagnosis/

The Surprising Health Benefits of Swearing

No one needs to tell you that having a potty mouth is crass and vulgar. In fact, ever since we were little children we were told not to curse or swear excessively. While this advice seems well intentioned with respect to social decorum, science says otherwise. In fact, science reveals that a little cursing here and there can actually be a balm for our soul. How so? Let us examine how this seemingly bad habit can turn into something surprisingly comforting when the moment calls for it.

• Pain relief. Swearing activates the so-called ‘fight or flight’ response, leading to a surge of adrenaline and a subsequent pain relieving effect on our immune system. Richard Stephens of Keele University in England discovered that people who swear are able to hold their hands in ice water for twice as long. However, this only holds true for people who swear a few times a day, and not for those who swear excessively. The main reason for this is because those who swear on a constant basis are desensitized to their swearing, and as a result, are not particularly aroused by the act of swearing when they engage in it.
• Non-violent Outlet. Swearing enables us to get back at bad people or situations without having to resort to traditional violence, or something more menacing or harmful. It can be considered an act of sublimation, whereby we channel our anger by swearing instead, in what is seen as a ‘healthier’ outlet to help release our negative emotions.
• Harmless & Humorous Coping Mechanism. This coping mechanism, although far from a great one, can serve to increase our sense of self esteem, when it seems deflated, threatened or attacked. This in turn helps to build our inner resilience, and confidence in the midst of perceived tension and stress.
• Assertion of Power/Control. Swearing can give us a greater sense of power and control over a bad or negative situation. By swearing we show that we have the power to control a situation, and not have the situation control us. This usually happens, ironically, when things are spinning out of control for us, and when things are not necessarily going our way. A person need not be the actual trigger for swearing to occur, but a particular unpleasant situation can be the trigger.
• Social Bonding. Swearing can serve to show that we are not a fragmented member of a society. That’s why, cursing/swearing among friends can make you feel slightly better, when its coupled with a sense of validation from others. If done correctly, and under the right circumstances and with the right people, or group, it can also indicate that we are open, trustworthy, and fun to be around, making us appear more genuinely likable, and ‘real’ to others.
• Psychological & Physical Health. The best health benefits of swearing include increased circulation, elevated endorphin, and serotonin levels, and an overall sense of calm, control, and well-being. All of these benefits can seem intriguing if it is done in the right way, and does not become a vulgar habit.
• Outlet for Self-Expression & Creativity. Swearing can at times spark our inner creativity. Some individuals who naturally possess more of a creative flair find that they can come up with very creative words in the process of swearing, or that they muster up the energy to complete a project that has been neglected for some time.

A little swearing now and then (to yourself, or with friends) is not too terrible, and in fact may be even be good for your health by making you feel better, at least in the moment. The trick is to make sure it isn’t excessive, and that your swearing is not coupled up with anger, or another extreme negative emotion, as that can be very detrimental to your overall well being, and to others near you, possibly negating all of the potential health benefits described above.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/30/the-surprising-health-benefits-of-swearing/

How to Transition from Enemy to Friend

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.” – Martin Luther King

It certainly sounds like an impossibility. If you have an enemy, how can that person ever become a friend? This isn’t the recommended religious practice of turning the other cheek that we’re familiar with from the Bible, but close. Still, something about the process involved in transitioning from enemy to friend seems rather difficult.

Maybe not. Here are some examples of effectively transitioning from enemy to friend. Hint: A lot of the transformation has to do with attitude, mostly yours.

POLITICIANS

Consider politics, always an arena of intense interpersonal relationship dynamics. Even if you don’t like certain politicians because of party loyalty, personal convictions or personalities, the fact is politics is rife with enemies and friends. Sometimes it’s even difficult to tell the difference. Keeping track of the back and forth is interesting, if nothing else. That’s because in the political arena, opponents are considered enemies – until they’re not. Often, as in the case of the aftermath of political primaries, former enemies form alliances, endorse their previous opponent, and may even get named to positions within the potential administration.

Enemies turn into friends, at least, friends of an arm’s length sort. They probably won’t be erstwhile friends, those you feel you can turn to in your most dire need, but friends in contrast to enemies.

What has this to do with love? Just that it takes a bigger person to overlook enmity, to see the individual underneath the swagger and braggadocio, to separate the rhetoric from the underlying facts.

Or goodness, in the case of many.

THE EXAMPLE OF THE BULLY

Another example involves the bully. Think about the playground bully, someone bigger and stronger and seemingly out to get you. Many of us struggled to escape the attention of these mean kids in elementary school. We remember vividly how he or she pestered and tormented us or another kid, usually someone smaller, different, more vulnerable. If the targeted child continued to cower and show fear, the aggressive behavior on the part of the bully often continued and perhaps intensified. Standing up for him or herself, however, doesn’t always take the form of physical fighting. Sometimes, just a direct look – a nonthreatening, but unafraid look – will turn things in the opposite direction.

This isn’t to advocate that anyone act in a foolish manner, putting themselves or others at avoidable risk. It is, however, just an illustration that enemies can become something other than that, if not a friend, at least a non-enemy.

WORK COMPETITORS

What about the co-worker you’ve competed with for a task, coveted assignment or promotion? During the so-called contest or rivalry, you quite naturally see that individual as your enemy, someone you feel compelled or pressured to beat. After one of you wins, though, you have the option of continuing the adversarial stance separating you, opting to adopt a kind of truce, or joining forces to advance.

Who knows? You might even become friends.

While this is not love in the romantic sense, it is love in the human sense. It stands to reason that we all do better together than when we fight each other needlessly.

TRANSFORMATION: FROM ENEMY TO FRIEND

To transform an enemy into a friend requires one person to step forward and initiate the change. That’s often propelled by love, the kind of human emotion that forgives all slights, looks past harsh statements, past injustice, social pressure and aggressive actions and finds common bond.

It is also part of what resonates so strongly in Jesus’ statement during the Sermon on the Mount: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Even if you don’t regard yourself as particularly religious, it is possible to see the wisdom in those words. Turning an enemy into a friend is how humanity learned to survive and become the dominant species.

Think about that the next time someone cuts you off on the freeway. Instead of reacting, just let them go. Call it being friends in humanity, rather than competitive adversaries.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/30/how-to-transition-from-enemy-to-friend/

The New Normal

“On a scale of 1-10, how do you feel?”

It’s a question that most psychiatrists ask when assessing mood and medication maintenance. The scale is used to monitor feelings of anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. A patient’s response is the main test used for treatment.

But if 1 means that a person feels ecstatic, and 10 means they are suicidal, what is a 6 or a 3? What happens if a patient feels like something is wrong, but nothing has happened? Or if they can’t stop crying since their dog died last week? How much of an impact do average issues have? Are they really feeling an 8 or is the magnitude of sorrow dependent on the specific moment they are experiencing at the time? The scale has problems of its own.

“Normal” is a popular word in U.S. culture. We all want to feel it, but the definition is murky. To believe in something unreal seems abnormal. For example, schizophrenia involves hallucinations or magical thinking that falls under the category of psychosis. This has no basis in reality. Religion, however, involves unexplained theories and ideologies that also may not have basis on this earth. According to the Pew Research Center, 70.6% of Americans are Christian. Are Christian’s abnormal?

The difference between “average” and “normal” can be found in the societal connotations that ‘normal’ holds. Average is a game of numbers. If 70.6% of people in the United States believed their bodies were melting from the inside, someone concerned about their organs liquefying may be considered average. Normal, is another definition.

The Harris Poll, a survey answered by wide populations of America, reported that in 2016, American happiness was on the decline. On a scale from 1-100, the Happiness Index Number is a 31 compared to its average number in the mid thirties.

Some of the makeup of happiness involves gender, economic status, and education. Women are generally happier than men. People whose annual income is between $50,000 and $74,000 are generally more happy than people who earn between $75,000 and $99,999. People who have a college degree also find higher scores of happiness.

Splitting up these sections of people would mean the average for happiness would change. Does that mean psychiatric treatment or medication changes should be taken into consideration depending on gender, money, or location?

Aside from what is average, the reason many seek professional treatment for mental health related issues, depends on psychological distress.

Many serious causes of psychological distress can include:

• Major physical health concerns
• Bullying
• Sexual, emotional, or physical abuse
• A career transition
• Trouble with school
• Divorce and relationship issues
• Infertility

If you are unsure whether your psychological distress is causing a 3 or a 7 on your scale of mental well-being, make a check list of these symptoms to share with your doctor:

• Sudden outbursts of anger
• Intrusive thoughts that will not go away
• Weight gain or weight loss
• Audio or visual hallucinations
• Lack of sleep or too much sleep
• Delusions
• Reckless acts
• Impulsive behavior
• Feeling as if your thoughts are not your own
• Decreased sex drive
• Suicidal ideations or daydreaming

The scale for testing mental health is not perfect. Although we can usually figure out what happiness means to us, this may be particularly difficult for a teenager or a child that is receiving mental health treatment. Everything from commercials on TV to marketing on Facebook, tells us that we should be happy. America focuses on happiness as much as it does consumerism and some people believe they are tied together. It’s important to express expectations openly while keeping them in line with the current reality of life. Before starting a session with a doctor, make sure both of you are on the same page. What does he/she think about the scale? What types of behaviors, feelings, and sensations would he/she consider a 4 or an 8 and more importantly, how do you define your own normal?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/29/the-new-normal/

You’ve Got to Be Carefully Taught: How to Explain Hatred to Your Children

With world events occurring at lightning/frightening speed, adults who may be bewildered themselves, may feel at a loss to answer the questions their young ones may have about topics they see broadcast on television or hear about on the school bus. In the wake of the virulent rally in Charlottesville and those that have followed since, it is an even more important topic for parents to address. Children will ask questions and it is crucial for answers to be available and not brushed under the rug, as it might seem easier to do.

One such parent is Stefanie Nicolosi, a Philadelphia area photographer. In an article for Newsworks, she explains why she feels it is important to educate children about bigotry in order to create more caring human beings and a just society. The question remains about whether by sheltering our children from the news about what is going on in the world, we are doing them a disservice.

When the World Was Rocked in 1963

I recall vaguely when President Kennedy was assassinated (I was 5 at the time), I couldn’t understand why the adults on television were crying. My mother explained what happened in a way my pre-school age mind could absorb that someone did something bad and killed the president. I don’t remember if I asked why and I imagine my mother would have been hard pressed to have come up with an answer, but try she would have. When I look back at that November day, my child’s mind could have perceived that if the president wasn’t safe from a murderer’s bullet, then how could I be? To the best of my memory, it didn’t go there. I somehow felt protected.

I grew up in Willingboro, NJ (one of the Levitt communities built after WWII; NY and PA are the locations of the other two) which was not an overly diverse town at the time. That evolved by the time I was in high school. We were encouraged to have friends of all religious faiths and we sometimes went to church with them, even though our practice was Judaism. At our Passover table, each year were folks with different beliefs as well. Our Christmas eves were spent at the home of my mom’s BFF Miriam and as we woke up to their rainbow light and tinsel-clad tree with trains running around it, I often wondered how Santa knew to leave presents for two little Jewish girls (my sister and me). Each year my parents took us to an international festival at our local high school and we sampled food, listened to music and learned about various cultures. In 1964 and ’65, we headed to NY for the World’s Fair. There began my love affair with India, since we visited the Indian pavilion. It was the first time I had seen women wearing bindhi and smelled the delicious aroma of Nag Champa incense. Indian cuisine is among my favorites and kirtan (sacred call and response chanting in Sanskrit) part of my spiritual practice.

Why Would Anyone Teach Hatred?

One clear memory was listening to the Rogers and Hammerstein song from the musical South Pacific called “You’ve Got to Be Carefully Taught” and questioning my mom about the meaning. I was likely somewhere around 10 at the time.

You’ve got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You’ve got to be taught
From year to year,
It’s got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff’rent shade,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You’ve got to be carefully taught!

I wondered why anyone would want to teach their children to hate and fear anyone who was different. She patiently explained that some people were so afraid themselves that they passed it on to their children. Blessedly, we were taught by example to love, without regard to differences.

In 1968, in a school in Iowa, 3rd grade teacher Jane Elliott conducted an experiment called A Class Divided which highlighted what happens when children are taught to believe that one group is superior to another by virtue of eye color.

Pro-Social Activism Is Learned

Another anecdote that reflects the values with which my mother was raised that she deeded to me came later in her life. When Barack Obama was elected for the first term, I mused with her about how amazing it was, given that I grew up in the 1960’s and witnessed the inequities that divided folks based on the color of their skin. She related that when she was 18 and her father had recently died, she and my grandmother took a bus trip from Philly to Florida. This was 1942, during WWII and the bus was filled with soldiers, sailors and marines. When the bus pulled into DC, the white bus driver yelled, “All you (and he used the N word that I won’t glorify by spelling out), get to the back of the bus.” At that, my mom stood up and said to my grandmother, “Come on, we’re moving too.” And so they did. I asked her what the driver said and she replied, “Nothing.” And, what did the other passengers say?  “Nothing,” but each time they stopped along the way, the military personnel surrounded them to protect them from potentially angry white passengers. I marvel at this anecdote and the family in which I was raised.

When I look back at the past 58 years, I can honestly say that I have not faced overt anti-Semitism. My father related stories of what he experienced as a first- generation American Jewish man in the aftermath of WWII. One was when a fellow sailor examined his hair looking for horns, since this Southern born and bred man was taught that Jews had them. He had epithets such as ‘dirty Jew’ and ‘kike’ hurled at him. I often thought it bordered on paranoia at times, as I called it ‘looking for an anti-Semite under every bed.’

My parents modeled generosity as they volunteered in the community; my mom in the local hospital and with Girl Scouts (she was a cookie mom), our homerooms and swim meets and my dad as a firefighter, in our synagogue and with a young girl in our neighborhood who had Muscular Dystrophy and he did what was then called ‘patterning.’ As a result, I became a volunteer for various organizations, including our local recycling center when I was a teenager. When my now 30 year old son Adam was in high school, he volunteered for Habitat for Humanity, and now as an adult, he put his cooking talents to work for a charity fundraiser via the company he works for.

As parents, Michael (my husband who died in 1998) and I instilled in him the importance of honoring diversity and in his teens, one of his close friends was Gay and to this day, they remain in touch and he was happy for Paul when he heard he got married to the love of his life; another man. His BFF is bi-racial and we refer to him as his “brother from another mother”. At Adam and Lauren’s recent wedding were same sex couples and friends from all over the world.

 

Family values in our home are wrapped around love, acceptance, dialog, affection, education, activism, mutual respect, service, and celebrating uniqueness.  We were carefully taught and so I taught my son. May he pass on that legacy to his children.

How to Share the News with Children

• Be informed yourself by watching, reading and listening to reputable news sources.
• Provide information in an age appropriate way, using concepts that your children will grasp.
• Assure them that you will do your best to keep them safe.
• Don’t have the news on 24/7 even if it is tempting during a crisis.
• Let your children know that there are things to do to prevent a sense of helplessness, such as getting involved in the community.
• There are signs that many families place on their lawns that read, “Hate Has No Home Here” that takes a pro-social stand.
• Speak with them openly about peaceful co-existence with people from other cultures and religious beliefs.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/29/youve-got-to-be-carefully-taught-how-to-explain-hatred-to-your-children/

Understanding and Overcoming Emotional Dependency

Healthy interpersonal functioning is largely about getting the balance right on a number of important dimensions. That's especially true when it comes to issues of emotional dependence versus independence.

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life http://counsellingresource.com/features/2017/08/29/emotional-dependency/

Requiem for a Nightmare

I am a recovering praise fiend.  

As a little boy, I would sprint home and unload my day’s events to my nonplussed mother.

“Hi, Mom, I earned an A on my English paper,” I would gush. And then my tone would drop an octave, “But I earned a B on that math quiz.” Dropping my head, I would then sulk to the kitchen table. That B would invoke a night of heavy soul-searching and, at times, self-flagellation (“What happened? How could I get a B on that math quiz?”). While amusing now — in an awkward, semi-embarrassed way, my self-reporting entailed more than a daily academic update. It represented my unquenchable thirst for praise.

Growing up, praise was few and far between from my taciturn parents. “We expect academic excellence; you were raised on the right side of the tracks,” my tight-lipped father would grunt. Not surprisingly, earning high-achieving grades was more of relief; there was a joylessness as I grunted my way through school.

As I have aged and matured (and, yes, received my fair share of B’s), I recognize praise’s tempting — but ultimately hollow — appeal. When we rely on others’ approval for our self-identity, we defer to them on our major life decisions. And in seeking their affirmation and validation, we sacrifice our own understanding of a healthy, fulfilling life. There is a balance between deference and passivity. And as a praise fiend, you risk succumbing your own independent, sound judgment to for a life someone else has constructed.

Stop. Walk away from that (praise) needle. The hit is short-lived and, like a junkie, leaves you craving more.

Thankfully, I have weaned myself from praise’s addictive tentacles. From my Psych Central submissions to backpacking the world, I have developed my own self-identity independent of others’ opinions. And from forcefully sticking up for my own political viewpoints to charting my own distinctive career path (poor but richly fulfilling), I trust my own decision-making–even if it alienates those family and friends. Disposing of that used (praise) needle, life does feel more liberating.

There is a direct overlap between praise and mental health. As an OCD sufferer, praise and reassurance are brothers from the same mental health mother. Uncertainty is the common denominator–whether you are questioning the latest OCD thought or craving affirmation for the latest work project. But praise, like reassurance, is a temporary balm; it soothes but does not solve. A more enduring solution: embrace the uncertainty and then challenge it. By first embracing the possibility of failure (“maybe my work project is inadequate; perhaps my boss will be dissatisfied”), the fear of failure slowly loses its molten intensity. As the craven need for praise/validation subsides, it is time for a more objective appraisal. “I have completed countless projects without requiring my boss’s approval. I can complete this project too.”

From loved ones to employers, the need for validation is understandable. We all want to be praised for our character, our thoughtful gestures, our work performance–myself included. But praise can be a double-edged sword. By futilely chasing the next plaudit, the insatiable need for approval threatens one’s self-identity. And, sadly, a thousand trite compliments–however well-meaning–cannot replace that.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/28/requiem-for-a-nightmare/

The Problem with Yelling

“The problem with verbal abuse is there is no evidence,” Marta shared. She came for help with a long-standing depression.

“What do you mean lack of evidence?” I asked her.

“When people are physically or sexually abused it’s concrete and real. But verbal abuse is amorphous. I feel like if I told someone I was verbally abused, they’d think I was just complaining about being yelled at,” Marta explained.

“It’s much more than that,” I validated.

“Much more,” she said.

“The problem is no one can see my scars.” She knew intuitively that her depression, anxiety and deep-seated insecurity were scars that stemmed from the verbal abuse she endured.

“I wish I was beaten,” Marta shared on more than one occasion. “I’d feel more legitimate.”

Her statement was haunting and brought tears to my eyes.

Verbal abuse is so much more than getting scolded. Marta told me that there were many reasons her mother’s tirades made her skin crawl:

• The loud volume of her voice.
• The shrill tone of her voice.
• The dead look in her eyes.
• The critical, disdainful and contemptuous facial expression that made Marta feel hated to the core.
• The eviscerating names, you’re spoiled, disgusting, and wretched.
• The unpredictability of that “flip of the switch” that turned her mother into someone else.
• And, perhaps worst of all, the abandonment.

“It is not just that I felt assaulted,” Marta cried, “It’s that when I did something that flipped her switch, my mother left me and was replaced by a monster. That’s exactly what it felt like. I was totally alone.” Tears welled up in Marta’s eyes.

Being frequently yelled at changes the brain and the body in a multitude of ways including increasing the activity of the amygdala (the emotional brain), increasing stress hormones in the blood stream, increasing muscular tension, and more. Being frequently yelled at changes how we think even after we become adults and leave home. That’s because the brain wires according to our experiences — we literally hear our parents’ voices yelling at us in our heads even when they are not there. Marta had to work hard every day to push away the onslaught now coming from inside her mind.

Attachment and infant-mother research confirms what we all intuitively know: that humans do better when they feel safe, which means among other things, being treated with respect. What is new news to many of us is that we are born with hard-wired core emotions (sadness, fear, anger, joy, etc.) that cause us physical and emotional reactions to pain and pleasure from the moment we are born. This means we react to anything that feels attacking including loud voices, angry voices, angry eyes, dismissive gestures and more. Children do better when they are calm. The calmer and more connected the caregiver, the calmer and more secure is their child.

The following are some things we can remember to help young brains develop well and help our children feel safe and secure.

• Know that children have very real emotional worlds that need nurturing, so the brain and nervous system wire in the healthiest ways, conducive to becoming calm and confident to meet life’s challenges.  
• Learn about core emotions so you can help your child successfully manage emotions.
• Enhance your child’s self-esteem by being kind, compassionate and curious in their mind and world.
• When a break in the relationship occurs, as often happens during conflicts, repair the connection with your child as soon as possible.
• Help your child feel safe and secure by allowing them to separate from you and become their own person, welcoming them back with love and connection, even when you are angry or disappointed in their behaviors. You can calmly discuss your concerns and use opportunities as teachable moments.

Yelling at children is counter to all of the above, as is hitting and crossing physical/sexual boundaries of any kind.

The last time I saw Marta, she told me had received upsetting news over the weekend.

Marta said, “I told myself, my distress will soon pass and I’ll be ok. And, then I worked The Change Triangle. I named, validated and felt my sadness in my body as I gave myself compassion. When I had enough, I took a walk through the park. I felt better.”

So proud of the calming way she now spoke to herself I said, “I love how you just acted like your own good mother.”

She smiled and said, “Yeah. It’s a whole new world.”

I smiled and thought that was true. The mother who lived inside her mind used to condemn her with such mean and unhelpful comments as: Serves you right! Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill! or Who cares about you?

The harsh mother inside Marta had mellowed.

As a parent, it is not easy to control one’s temper or realize if we’ve crossed the line into verbal abuse. There is a slippery slope between being a strict disciplinarian and what will traumatize a young brain. A little awareness goes a long way in this case. Being aware of one’s behavior, listening to one’s tone of voice and choice of words, and watching one’s body language, all help keep us in check. Little children, who can act tough, defiant, or even indifferent to our actions, are still vulnerable to trauma. Our own childhood experiences, wonderful, horrible, and everything in between, need to be remembered and honored. And we can all strive to help our families evolve: to pay forward more of the best, gentle experiences we received as children than the painful ones.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/28/the-problem-with-yelling/

Sharing Knowledge of Your Mental Health Issues

We were on Route 9 in between Kremmling and Silverthorne, Colorado. Our ultimate destination was Colorado Springs. To say that we were out in the boonies was an understatement. Mountains rose up to the right and left of us. I was enjoying the solitude when suddenly my cell phone rang.

Who could be calling me?

It was a New York City area code and a phone number that I didn’t immediately recognize. I was surprised I could even get cell phone service at this altitude.

“Hello,” I said.

“Laura, it’s Maria. I’m calling your from Switzerland.” (Maria’s husband was from Switzerland, and they often vacationed there.)

Maria was my friend John’s sister. I feared the worst. Had John passed? “Maria…what’s up?”

“I’m here with my friend Gerda, whom I’ve known for over 30 years. She has some of the same issues you do; she’s bipolar.”

“O.K.,” I said.

“We’re calling you for advice.”

I was a bit taken aback.  “Well, I’m no doctor, but I’ll try to help.”

In a nutshell, Gerda was taking an anti-anxiety med, and she was having terrible side effects with it.  She couldn’t stop pacing.  Her doctor was going to prescribe a different medicine to control the side effects.

I’d been on that med before, and I too had not liked it. “Maria, that’s an older anti-anxiety med. Tell Gerda to ask her doctor to try Abilify. I’ve found this to be a great medication with no noticeable side effects.”

“Thanks, Laura. I’ll tell Gerda.”

“You’re welcome.”

What is the moral of this story?

Of course, only a doctor can prescribe psychotropic drugs, but the individuals in the trenches who take the meds have had some knowledge of them.

If you’ve had a mental health issue like I have for a long time (26 years), people may look to you for advice.  If so, remember, you don’t have the final word, but you can share your experiences with meds and treatments.

In my opinion, giving a drug to counteract the side horrible side effects of another drug was a bad idea.  That’s why I suggested that Gerda ask her doctor to try this newer medication.

But there is a time and a place to give advice.  If it is solicited, think about offering it, as I did.  If it’s not, you could get into trouble. People might tell you to mind your own business, or worse.

Once my friend Jennifer wanted to switch her medications, but she was just about to begin a new job.  Most everyone would agree that it is not advised to change medications before a major life change.  I told Jennifer that this probably was not a good idea, and she didn’t speak to me for a few months.  So much for giving unsolicited advice — watch out.

Being bipolar is no fun, but it does give you new knowledge about the extremes of life and how to deal with them.  In many ways, you are an expert.

I have to say, I’ll never forget that phone call from Switzerland. People have asked me for advice before, but never from so far away. I felt honored that I could help someone who desperately needed help.

Only time will tell. Abilify might not even be the med for Gerda. The point is that her doctor needs to try another one, in my opinion, or Gerda needs to get a new doctor.

So if you have a mental health issue, don’t be surprised if people approach you to discuss it with them. The important thing is to be honest and let your experience do the talking.

I myself ask my bipolar friends about the medications they take and how they react. It’s comforting to hear about their success with a “good” med or commiserate over their dissatisfaction with “bad” one.

Sometimes the grass roots approach will be beneficial for many individuals.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/28/sharing-knowledge-of-your-mental-health-issues/

Thoughts on Time Versus Money

If someone gave you five hundred dollars and told you to spend it on something that makes you happy, what would you buy?

Some new clothes? Gifts for friends and family? Or perhaps you’d donate the money to one of your favorite charities — after all, what could make you happier than that?

Well, there is something that makes most people happier, but we rarely consider it to be something we can buy: Time.

In this study published in June 2017, researchers concluded that people who pay others to complete time-consuming tasks for them are more satisfied with their lives than those who choose to tackle their unwanted chores. These results proved true across a wide range of incomes, careers and countries. It is important to note that one limitation of the study was that few people who lived at or below poverty level were included. Still, overall, the more time the subjects had, the more positive feelings, and less stress, they reported.

Why don’t more of us readily think of outsourcing some of our responsibilities to give ourselves more free time?

According to Ashley Whillans, a social psychologist and the lead author of the above study, most of us struggle daily with decisions of whether to place more value on time or money. For example:  Do we take the toll bridge which will save time but cost money? Should we settle for a longer work commute in order to pay less rent? The list goes on. Whillans believes that “people are notoriously bad at making decisions that will make them happier,” and suspects the abstract nature of time might be the reason. She says:

We always think we’re going to have more time tomorrow than we do right now, so we’re hesitant to trade money, which is concrete and measurable, for time, which is much more uncertain.

To me, this is the most compelling reason why we should give ourselves and our loved ones the gift of time. It is uncertain. Life is uncertain. As cliché as it might sound, it’s true: we never know what tomorrow will or will not bring. We need to make the most of today and not wait for when we “have more time.”

At no other point in my life was this more obvious than when I held my six-week daughter in my arms as she took her last breath. The only thing in the world I wanted was time. I would have given up everything I owned or previously thought was important to have more time with my baby. It was the only thing that mattered. I vowed at that point to spend as much time as I could with those I cared about.

If you are lucky enough to have people in your life who want to be with you, please consider freeing up as much time as you can afford to spend with them. Choose time. It doesn’t matter if you do something special or just “hang out” – it is being together that’s important. And you’ll end up with the added bonus of creating life-long memories. In my book, those memories, like time, are priceless.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/27/thoughts-on-time-versus-money/

You Won or Lost: Here’s How to Get Over It and Move On

“Winning and losing are both very temporary things. Having done one or the other, you move on. Gloating over a victory or sulking over a loss is a good way to stand still.” – Chuck Knox

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being stuck. When something goes wrong — meaning, I’ve made a mistake — it’s a personal setback, to be sure. I don’t like it, but I’m not going to dwell on it any longer than necessary.

Similarly, once I’ve attained a goal I’ve worked hard for, I’m naturally going to indulge myself for a bit and feel good about what I accomplished. The tougher the goal, the more satisfying it feels to be on the other side of all the challenging work. Still, I’m not going to sit still for too long congratulating myself. Besides being selfish, as well as unhealthy, it doesn’t do much to motivate me. It also tends to tick off those around me.

Frankly, no one wants to be in the presence of a gloater or a sulker. While this applies universally, it’s also true that each of us has been there at one time or another. We’ve each stewed just a little too long in our misery or bragged more than appropriate about our wins.

Just get over it. It’s time to move on.

Easy enough to say, right? How do you get over yourself and move on after a glorious victory or an unexpected (or expected) loss or mistake? Here are some of my favorite tips that may help:

Keep a handy list of upcoming projects.

Something I’ve found effective is having a list handy of next projects I want to tackle. Of course, the list must contain things that are necessary as well as ones that are aspirational. A good mix is always recommended for upcoming projects. This serves to motivate, excite, remind and compel. Everyone needs some of each to get over whatever might contribute to being stuck in the moment and move on.

Check your list.

That’s right, keeping a list, something you can refer to gives you direction, something to do to get past your funk or over your self-congratulatory state. Pick something, anything, and get busy. When you’re active, you’re less likely to continue gloating or sulking.

Involve yourself in drudge work.

This may sound counter-intuitive. After all, how can doing something boring or distasteful help you get over it? Pulling weeds in the garden is therapeutic, for example, and it also allows your mind to think beyond wins and losses. This happens to be one of my most effective and enjoyable ways to get past being stuck. Fixing a plugged toilet may not be high on your list of aspirations either, but it needs fixing, and if you can do it, you’ll be putting your skills and your energies to work and not ruminating over whatever you were stuck on. Just to clarify, I don’t fix toilets. It’s not one of my core strengths. That’s someone else’s specialty. I stick to what I know I’m good at – or have a reasonable expectation of a favorable outcome. On the other hand, if no one was around and the toilet was overflowing, I’d get busy quick with a mop and a bucket – and speed dial the plumber.

Exercise.

There’s nothing like the exhilaration after a hard workout to erase any residual feelings of gloating or sulking. Besides being good for your physical health, exercise is an excellent healer and stimulator for mental health. It isn’t necessary to have an expensive gym membership to exercise. Walking outdoors qualifies, as does swimming, biking, any number of activities that require physical effort.

Engage in problem-solving.

Surely there’s some problem that requires a solution. Maybe you’re just the one to come up with it. You should think this way to give yourself a much-needed kick to the backside. Put your creative abilities to work and figure out some solutions that may prove workable. When you’re actively thinking how to fix a problem, you’re not stuck. You’re being proactive, resourceful and creative.

Help others.

Your neighbor could possibly use your assistance cleaning out the gutters or raking leaves from the yard. Lend a hand to a co-worker who’s behind on a project that the team desperately needs completed. See what you can do to ease the burden of a family member overwhelmed with chores. When you’re helping others, there’s work to be done and little time to stew or chortle over other things.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/27/you-won-or-lost-heres-how-to-get-over-it-and-move-on/

Money, Sex, & Secrets: Keep Them from Ending Your Relationship

Every relationship is stressful. What matters is how you DEAL with it.

Couples across cultures and continents — of all races and religions, economics and demographics — experience the same human emotion when faced with relationship challenges and marriage problems.

It feels like nothing ever gets resolved, the dance just keeps repeating itself.

It’s a merry-go-round of pain, misunderstanding, hurtful words and blame that gets uglier with each turn of the wheel.

The Weird Money Thing You Do That Puts Your Relationship At Risk

In order to learn to cope with relationship stress, it’s crucial to identify your biggest source of stress. Take your pick: depression by one or both partners, long-term illness, work stress, money stress, problems with children, addictions, blended families, co-parenting issues like not being unified in your parenting style … these types of long-term stress can seem all-consuming at times.

And chronic stress can have serious consequences, causing physical symptoms (backache, headache), emotional upset (anxiety, anger), or relationship disconnect or conflict.

Another very common, yet significant, issue for couples is the difference in their core values.

When you first met him, he seemed so interesting and enticing (they do say opposites attract), but after the initial period of infatuation and romance faded, the differences created a disconnect between each of your core values in areas like education, how to raise your children, traveling, money management, marital roles and responsibilities, religion, and more.

These are BIG ticket items when it comes to maintaining a long-term marriage with someone: honesty, trust, and communication.

These shared core values are the equalizer to a stronger, happier, healthy marriage.

Here are a few quick tips to help you help you identify whether you have these shared core values BEFORE you marry him (more info later in the article for what to do if you’re already committed).

• Be sure that the two of you have had a few deep conversations before you have sex. Understand his values, behaviors, and approach to life. This will speak volumes to you as you start deciphering if he’s the right guy. If he’s not the right match for you, the sex will not seem as imminent.
• Notice the red flags! Think back to some warning signs you may have picked up on but perhaps ignored, thinking he would change over time.
• Don’t marry him to change him! Remember — what you see is what you get.

Regardless of which problem is the most common for you and your partner to argue about, you’re not alone!

The underlying foundation for most common problems is how each of you deals with your own feelings of anxiety while also dealing with your partner’s feelings of frustration or painful silence.

What makes it complicated for couples is how you communicate about your hot-button issues.

For example:

• You worry that you when you’re ready to finally talk, he won’t be.
• You wonder what to do when he says: “Let’s talk.” But then he does all the talking!
• Your biggest fear is that too much time will have passed and when you finally talk, it erupts into a yelling match or complete silence and awkwardness for days, until one of you decides to speak first.

A few things to remember, to help take some of the stress out of tough conversations:

• Talking is always better than not talking about it!
• How you talk is just as important. Do it when you’re alone and uninterrupted, rested and calm, focused and caring.
• At the outset, announce your intentions to make it a dialogue so that each of you speaks and listens to each other with respect.

Secrets, sex, or money (or secrets, sex, AND money?) — the most common sources of stress in marriages.

More often, it’s usually secrets about sex and money! According to one study, 33% of people admitted to lying to their spouses about finances with an estimated 7 million Americans reporting that they are hiding a secret bank account.

In one poll, over 1000 U.S. adults self-reported that personal financial concerns were the number one stressor!

Notably, our society is increasingly more stressed out than it was 6 months ago or even 5 years ago! So, if stress isn’t going anywhere, then what can you do about it?

Secrets are insidious and can be a dangerous slippery slope that starts with a small detail you leave out when talking about your day, to a white lie about how much you really spent at the store. Over time, it becomes a habit, and like any habit, the lie grows bigger and wider until you feel like your life is out of control!

If you’re lying or withholding information from your spouse, life can spin between fear, guilt, shame, resentment, and justification for what you did (and why you did it).

Then you do it all over again.

At this point, you’re numb and the only thing you feel is exhausted and alone. You’re alone in this marriage with a partner who does not know you and you don’t know how to change it.

If you find yourself living a lie with your spouse, it is vital that you take steps towards healing that gap — even if you have to reach out to a relationship professional or your pastor. Don’t delay!

If your marriage is in trouble, it probably looks like a big mountain of issues from where you’re standing.

As a first step, you have to decide to begin changing the pattern of communication between the two of you.

So, reach out to him in kindness. Manage a calm demeanor and ask him when he’s available to sit and talk, just the two of you without interruption (not late at night, not after drinks, and always turn off cell phones).

It’s best when you are rested and fresh.

Once the two of you have figured out your sources of marriage stress and have made a plan to communicate, you can do the real work of addressing your marriage problems.

Here are seven concrete (and simple) steps to improving your stressful relationship:

1. Make Up Your Mind Right Now to Cope Differently.

Change your mindset from worried and negative (or angry and grumpy) to hopeful, determined and positive!

Be brave and look directly at the problem.Try this technique:

Talk to yourself about the problem the same way your best friend would talk to you about the problem! Your best friend would be patient, supportive, and caring. Your best friend would be your cheerleader and tell you that you can do this and how you will get through this successfully!

2. Relax, Breathe and Start Calmly.

Remember this is your chance to be his best friend and to support him throughout the conversation so that together you successfully get thru the more difficult parts of the conversation with a loving attitude .

3. Let Go.

This is about forgiving yourself — and each other — for past actions, and moving forward in a dedicated goal towards healing the problem and eliminating the stress in your relationship.

4. Work as a Team.

Ask for your partner’s help so that each of you own your part of the process.

The Good Divorce: 6 Secrets To A Successful, Unmessy Mediation

5. Start Small and Work Your Way Up.

Start with small incremental steps, and when you are successful, move to intermediate steps. Then, once you have some success together under your belt, tackle larger steps to finalize success.

Decide on which stressor you’re going to deal with, name the stressor, define it, then work together to eliminate it!

Break the problem down into user-friendly steps by communicating clearly to ensure understanding between the two of you.

Example: You can pay off one bill or all the bills, get a new job, telecommute, instead of commuting long distances, come home early one night a week for family dinner (or date night). Identify together your number one stressor that is negatively impacting your marriage.

6. Appreciate What You Have.

Visualize your life without the stressor and talk to each other a for a few moments about what that would look like and how it would feel.

This is a very powerful tool towards positive change. Share the fantasy!

7. Schedule Weekly Check-Ins.

Make it a weekly conversation so that you can “check in” with each other to see how it’s going and make adjustments as needed.

In this way, it will become fluid rather than rigid. It will be collaborative and voluntary rather than dictated or demanded.

In summary, there is hope for resolving the stresses in your relationship.

Try to remember that true intimacy is about sharing thoughts feelings and behaviors. And honesty begins with sharing your how you feel with your spouse. Now you have the skills and tools to help you communicate, honestly, and move your marriage or relationship forward.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 7 Ways To Keep The Stress Of Money, Sex & Secrets From ENDING Your Relationship.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/26/money-sex-secrets-keep-them-from-ending-your-relationship/

Why It’s So Important to Hold On to Hope

Five years ago, I wrote about the correlation between expectations and happiness — lower your expectations and you will be happier — reign in expectations and stress and despair won’t be prominent when life does not go according to plan. And perhaps there is a semblance of truth to that notion.

But here’s where it’s nuanced. With diminished expectations, we chip away at hope. And how can we not hope for a better tomorrow? I consider myself to be someone with spirit. I become excited when I have an idea. I look forward to experiences and anticipate memorable ones. And while it’s important to cope when such experiences fall through, I think it’s even more important to hold onto what was originally present — that sense of hope.

And sure, I’ve been let down. I’ve had my eager mentality crushed. I’ve felt limited. There are plenty of factors in life beyond my control and that will never change.

Yet, regardless of disappointment, regardless of a discouraging outcome, I’d rather hope than not hope at all. I’d rather feel hope’s bright light than live my day to day in its absence.

The 2011 Times article, “Optimism Bias: Human Brain May Be Hardwired for Hope,” offers a perspective with roots in evolutionary psychology. Hope can be wired in the human brain to enhance survival. If present during trying times, hope can be a factor that allows some to transcend adversity and garner positivity for the days ahead.

“Hope keeps our minds at ease, lowers stress and improves physical health,” the article states.  “Researchers studying heart-disease patients found that optimists were more likely than nonoptimistic patients to take vitamins, eat low-fat diets and exercise, thereby reducing their overall coronary risk. A study of cancer patients revealed that pessimistic patients under the age of 60 were more likely to die within eight months than nonpessimistic patients of the same initial health, status and age.”

Ashely Schild, a social worker who is also a personal friend of mine, conveyed that hope is what allows her to re-shape a negative situation. “Hope is something that guides me everyday, and I take comfort in knowing that disappointments can be temporary and channelled in a positive way.”

Janice O’Leary shared her thoughts with me on the subject matter as well. “In life we will always be disappointed, have anxiety, face difficulties,” she said. “Hope and faith are the only things we have to hold onto. Things can change in an instant, we should never give up hope.”

Psychology Today’s 2011 article, “The Will and Ways of Hope” notes that hope can incorporate learning goals and become a blueprint for the future.

“People with learning goals are actively engaged in their learning, constantly planning strategies to meet their goals, and monitoring their progress to stay on track,” the post explains. “A bulk of research shows that learning goals are positively related to success across a wide swatch of human life—from academic achievement to sports to arts to science to business.”

Life is always going to bring us challenges. Life is always going to be comprised of setbacks that could pull us down. Is it still foolish to have hope?

I say it’s not. Because without hope, what are we left with? I say hope is significant. I say it’s a beautiful part of what it means to be human.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/26/why-its-so-important-to-hold-on-to-hope/

Psychology Around the Net: August 26, 2017

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

Can you believe it’s the last weekend of August? I know summer doesn’t technically end as soon as August is over, but…where did the summer go?!

Well, before you head out to enjoy the weekend, take some time to catch up on the science of spirituality, why having a best friend as a teenager helps develop a sense of self later in life, how winning the lottery will contribute little to your level of happiness, and more.

The Science of Spirituality: A Psychologist and a Neuroscientist Explain Being ‘In The Flow’: Although spirituality is making a big mainstream comeback, the idea of being “in the flow” (as if something bigger has taken over and you’re just letting it happen) isn’t completely related to spiritualism. When we’re “in the flow” or “in the zone,” it could be that we’re just getting out of our own way.

What Dogs Can Teach Us About OCD and Cancer: The title doesn’t exactly do this justice. Because we’ve had success studying DNA in certain dog breeds (for example, it’s helped us isolate the genes that causes narcolepsy, a neurological sleep disorder), scientists now are looking at the DNA of a slew of breeds to research a ton of medical conditions, from obsessive-compulsive disorder and autism to epilepsy and Alzheimer’s disease.

How Winning the Lottery Affects Happiness, According to Psychology Research: Along with showing that many of us aren’t that great at processing just how unlikely it is that we’ll win and that people with lower incomes are more likely to buy tickets, various psychological research shows that winning all that money doesn’t make people happier in the long run. Overall, if you’re going to end up being about as happy as you were before you won.

Why Your Teenage BFF Is Good for Your Mental Health: A new study shows that teenagers around 15 and 16 years old who have a close friendship rather than a large group of people they’re not all that close with were less likely to suffer from social anxiety and depression and more likely to have a solid sense of self-worth by the time they’re 25 years old.

If You’re Super Indecisive, Psychology Says Technology Is to Blame: We think if we have more options we have a better chance at choosing exactly what we want (or, at least, the closest to it?). However, because our brains have a limited working memory (which, simply put, means we consider small sets of information when there’s a decision to make), we actually make better decisions when we have only a few options from which to choose.

YouTube Stars Stress Out, Just Like the Rest of Us: Sounds like common sense, right? We all stress from time to time. However, the reasons for these YouTubers are what make it interesting. Feeling depression and anxiety from living an overly curated life (i.e. constantly coming up with new content to keep their channels relative), working to always look transparent, authentic, and accessible, and finding happiness only when they get more followers, more likes, more video views, and more praise have led some YouTube celebs to log off for good.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/26/psychology-around-the-net-august-26-2017/

5 Ways to Safely ‘Get High’ with Your Kids

Everyone needs to feel EXTRA alive sometimes.

I’ve been thinking lately about the term “getting high”, as it is so commonly used in our culture today.

As a student of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), I know the real power our language has in influencing our lives.

This leads me to wonder about the relationship between how we define getting high and the epidemic we now face with substance use disorder in our country.

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Dictionaries define “getting high” as exhibiting elation or euphoric excitement.

By this definition, it seems this is a feeling we would all strive for and embrace — at least I certainly do. After all, isn’t that why we stretch ourselves as humans by reaching for the stars?

Why else would we jump out of airplanes, climb Mount Everest, or even go on roller coasters?

Getting high is what makes us feel alive.

Referring to the use of harmful substances and behaviors as “getting high” gives drug use an allure that can seem very attractive to a young mind when, in reality, it’s anything but. I can tell you, as a man who battled substance abuse for several decades, 99.9 percent of the time that I was using substances, I was not “getting high.” I was numbing the painful feelings and thoughts I had because I was at such a low point in my life. Thoughts that began in early childhood and snowballed from there.

Granted, there may have been a few times in the beginning when I felt elated, but not many. Still, I have to believe that even then there were many healthy alternatives I would have chosen, had I not been so young and naïve.

Turns out, there are a lot of ways to “get high” that do not require substances or behaviors that have a negative effect on your life. I can’t help but wonder what my life would’ve been like had I understood this at a young age.

In The Psychology of Extreme Sports, author Joachim Vogt Isaksen, HiNT, collected research into the effects of thrill-seeking and adventuring on people’s lives. He writes:

“[E]xtreme sports change people who participate in them. A bungee jumper might, for example, feel a certain rush of immortality. This may lead to psychological effects that have positive effects for life in general.”

The article goes on to explain that the brain has a natural reward system, a neurochemical called dopamine, that is released when someone experiences a thrill.

Think about the term “runner’s high.” As one New York Times article points out, it’s more than just a theory.

Researchers in Germany used PET scans to track chemical changes in the brains of people before and after exercise, and “[t]he data showed that, indeed, endorphins were produced during running and were attaching themselves to areas of the brain associated with emotions, in particular the limbic and prefrontal areas.”

Activity in these areas of the brain is associated with feelings of joy, like being in love, laughing with friends, or even hearing an incredible song. For some, it’s Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 3.

For me, it’s “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

As a recovery life coach, I listen to the struggles that parents of addicts go through daily. In them, I hear the common stories of guilt and blame that once suffocated me while trying to take that journey with my own kids.

I suspect these are the same feelings my own parents went through with me during my years as a young addict as well.

Things like:

• Wishing they didn’t work so much and made more time for their kids during those years when their little brains were being bombarded with life’s tough lessons.
• Knowing they saw the red flags but were just too busy doing “life” to pay attention.
• Or, even worse, they don’t have a clue where they went wrong because they did everything they thought they were supposed to do. They followed someone else’s blueprint for success and it blew up in their faces.

These stories lead me to wonder…

At what point, did we begin to define “getting high” as a toxic, irresponsible thing reserved for dope fiends and decide the better option was to work our asses off so we could provide our children with everything under the sun — except the very thing they need most: Us.

I’d like to take a stab at restoring a misused term to its original meaning, by sharing some ways you can get high with your kids, as a family. Who knows, maybe you, too, will discover that you like this meaning better.

And maybe, just maybe, it can save you and your kids from traveling down a much darker road.

Here are five ways parents can reclaim “getting high” and maybe change your kid’s life for the better:

1. “Wake and Bake” Together.

Sit at the breakfast table each morning and share 10 things that each of you is grateful for. This is the magic bullet for shifting a crappy mindset into a happy, creative one.

Give positive feedback while reflecting them back to your kids.

2. Choose a Healthy Activity That Scares the Crap Out of One or Both of You and JUST DO IT.

There is nothing more exhilarating than busting through your fears together.

Although it isn’t always possible, the buzz is so much better if you choose something that scares both of you and you get to break through it together. This gives you that lifetime bond and builds trust with each other.

It also teaches them the true meaning of courage when they see you walking through your own fear.

3. Take Turns Spending an Entire Day in Each Other’s World.

On the rare occasions I used to take my kids to work with me, they absolutely loved it. They could just step into it and use their powerful imaginations to feel the whole effect of the high.

For me, it was much more challenging at first. I realized that I had to let go of a lot of pre-conditioned crap before I could allow myself to be present in every way. It’s a waste of a good high if you only show up in body.

I don’t know the extent of the impact this will ultimately have on my kids, but learning to play again and think with the mind of a child has been one of the greatest tools to my own recovery.

Even at 57 years old, I’ll take a sand box over a bar room any day.

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4. Connect Your Children with Their Heroes — Not Just Yours.

Take them to the ball game, rodeo, NASA, or wherever their role models are.

This seems like a no-brainer, but often we only take them to see our heroes, so that we can live vicariously through them. Listen deeply to them and discover the people, places, and things that get them high and plan a trip.

These may vary in cost, so you’ll have to decide whether you can afford it or not. But I can tell you this: There were many times I thought I couldn’t afford things. Today I would love to take the tens of thousands of dollars I’ve given to rehabs for my children and travel the world with them instead. When weighing the cost, it’s important to consider the long-term return on the investment.

5. Designate at Least One Day Per Month to Do Something New and Different.

I don’t know how many times I suggested something to my kids that they thought was lame, and then they ended up having the time of their lives.

Choose things that are new for you, too. Remember, you have even more limiting biases than they do. Include their friends and get crazy.

Stay hopeful.

As I see our country going through this major transformation where corporate America is being replaced by the lifestyle entrepreneur, I couldn’t be more optimistic.

I believe this will give us the freedom to return to that infinite wisdom in our hearts and reconnect with some long forgotten truths. I’m not going to pretend that I know the meaning of life because I don’t have a clue. Perhaps it was always meant to be a mystery.

I do know that exhibiting elation and euphoric excitement, AKA getting high, feels good to my soul and doesn’t allow room for thoughts of putting harmful substances in my body.

That’s a high worth sharing with my children.

And another thing — regardless of how old your kids are, it’s never too late to be a good parent.

Rock on!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Ways To ‘Get High’ With Your Kids (That Might SAVE Them From Addiction).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/25/5-ways-to-safely-get-high-with-your-kids/