Can Anxiety and Panic Disorder Cause Depression if Left Untreated?

Mental health problems are infamously complicated. Although psychologists have a successful guidebook to identify and diagnose mental illness, those manuals are merely suggestions for treatment — and can’t predict exactly how you experience your psychological and emotional well-being. With that in mind, some people experience multiple forms of mental health disorders, often in various degrees. If somebody has several mental health conditions, it’s known as “comorbidity,” and anxiety and depression are the two most related diagnoses.

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a sense of unease, for instance, worry or concern, which might be mild or severe. Additionally, it is the primary symptom of panic disorder. All of us have feelings of anxiety at some stage in our life. For instance you may feel nervous and worried about taking an exam, having medical testing done, or a job interview. During times such as these, experiencing anxiousness can be perfectly normal. However, many individuals struggle to manage constant worry. Their feelings of anxiety tend to be more frequent and can influence their everyday life.

What Is Depression?

Feeling depressed generally is a typical response to loss, life challenges, or wounded self-esteem. However, when feelings of extreme sadness, which includes hopelessness and worthlessness, continue for a number of days to weeks and keep you from functioning normally, your feelings could be something more than sadness. It could possibly be major depressive disorder.

Anxiety disorder and depression frequently manifest together. They have similar symptoms which can be hard to tell apart. Either can result in frustration, insomnia, not being able to focus, and worry.

Untreated anxiety and panic disorder can raise your potential for more serious conditions. These conditions include depression, drug abuse, and suicide.

Anxiety disorder doesn’t just influence emotional well-being. This common disorder could be intense enough to result in or aggravate headaches, gastrointestinal syndromes, abnormal heart rhythms and sleep disorders.

The link between depression and anxiety is so powerful that some antidepressants are used to address people who don’t have depression and are alternatively living with anxiety disorders. Anxiety coping strategies are often recommended for people with depression, even when the individual doesn’t suffer from anxiety. Other studies have also revealed that the same neurotransmitters might also lead to both anxiety and depression.

Depression can develop due to anxious thoughts. This seems to be particularly true of those with panic disorder, possibly since panic attacks tend to trigger feelings of fear, helplessness, and disaster. Furthermore, those coping with anxiety may not be living the life they had dreamed of and this reinforces feelings of powerlessness or loss which can ultimately lead to depression.

Many people who have anxiety and/or depression assume that treatment for these disorders may not be effective — that if you have previously tried therapy or medication without much relief, then nothing can be done for you. But it is simply not true. It may take time and effort, but don’t stop until you find the right treatment.

Current studies suggest that treatment should start with addressing depression first. A decrease in depressive symptoms often means a reduction of anxiety symptoms as well. Also, some common and efficient prescription drugs for depression hold the added bonus of decreasing anxiety.

To recover, you’ll need to be as relentless, invasive and powerful as the depression and anxiety. You are unique and treatment can be complex, but freedom from depression and anxiety is possible.

Do not let your anxiety and/or depression go untreated.

If you are experiencing chronic and unexplained feelings of anxiousness, fear, or worry, sadness or suicidal thoughts, schedule an appointment with your doctor immediately.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/30/can-anxiety-and-panic-disorder-cause-depression-if-left-untreated/

3 Things that Keep Us Lonely

As a psychotherapist, I frequently observe how lonely and isolated people feel. Although they may be married or successful in their career, people often report a painful sense of disconnection or alienation.

Although there are varied reasons for experiencing a sense of isolation, here are three things I’ve noticed that may contribute to the epidemic of loneliness in our society.

Being Critical of Others

John Gottman’s research into what makes partnerships thrive has highlighted how criticism is one factor that leads to breakups (along with contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness).

Pointing out someone’s perceived flaws is usually experienced as hurtful. Many of us have grown up with painful criticism, which is toxic to well-being. Feeling criticized in our adult life may trigger a storehouse of pain that makes us want to withdraw. Or we may react to criticism by lashing out at the person who has criticized us. Attacking or withdrawing keeps us isolated and shuts down the potential for intimacy.

As we become more mindful of when we’re being critical, we can notice the feelings and unmet needs that underlie our criticisms. Instead of telling our partner with a sharp tone of voice that he is unavailable or that their work is more important than our relationship, we can reveal our loneliness and perhaps take a risk to ask for a hug — or a heartfelt conversation.

As we replace criticism with a more vulnerable expression of our tender feelings, we’re more likely to draw our partner and other people toward us.

Shaming People

Criticism is toxic because it triggers shame. Many of us grew up with a gnawing sense that something is wrong with us. When someone criticizes us, we may revert back to the hurt child — the one who can never do anything right. Shame is an extraordinarily painful emotion. When it gets triggered, we find ways to not feel it.

Bret Lyon, PhD, and Sheila Rubin, LMFT, who lead workshops on Healing Shame, describe shame as a form of trauma. Our impulse is to avoid it by shutting down — or we shift our shame to the other person, blaming them and making them feel badly. Lyon describes how shame is like a hot potato. We want to pass it on to the one who shamed us or transfer our shame to another person. This shame-transference is a reflection of the shame we carry inside and don’t want to feel.

Shame aversion — the refusal to feel any shame and work with it skillfully — is responsible for much of our isolation. Instead of allowing ourselves to notice when it arises, we push it away or dissociate from it because it feels so threatening; it dysregulates our nervous system.

Rather than sinking into shame and getting overwhelmed by it, we can notice it, allow it some space, and realize that shame has arisen in us, but that we are not the shame.

Believing We Should Be Perfect

The desire to be perfect has an insidious way of keeping us constrained and isolated. Perfectionism is often driven by shame and fear. We cling to the notion (usually unconscious) that if we can be perfect in our words and actions, then no one can shame or criticize us; rejection won’t hurt as much if we don’t make ourselves vulnerable.

Realizing that we are imperfect might prevent us from taking risks to connect with people. We hide our true feelings and desires, fearful that if we expose them we’d be rejected or humiliated. Our intention is to protect ourselves from pain, but keeping ourselves hidden increases a painful sense of isolation.

As we find more inner strength, we realize that it’s ok to have human flaws. We can accept and love ourselves, despite how people respond to us. We have no control over how others perceive us. But we do have control over how we hold and view ourselves — hopefully with respect and dignity, despite our shortcomings.

The failure to accept our imperfections may lead to stonewalling behavior, which Gottman identifies as another factor that leads to divorce. We hesitate to engage in authentic, meaningful conversations because we’re afraid that we’ll fail — or that it will make things worse. It’s safer to refuse to talk when our partner wants to discuss our relationship. We may find it more interesting to retreat to the computer room or watch television than have a soulful conversation.

Realizing that we don’t have to be perfect may inspire us to have more authentic communication with our partner or friends. Simply listening with an open heart can help us feel less isolated. Deeper connections can happen in our life by offering the gift of non-defensive listening.

We can find more meaning and richness in our relationships as we take the risk to be more vulnerable — revealing our authentic feelings rather than attacking or shaming people. We can live a less lonely existence as we let go of the isolating belief that if we can’t say or do something perfectly, then don’t say or do it.

We often experience the same thing that others feel but don’t express. The loneliness you may feel is rampant in our society. By taking to risk to engage with people — whether through your smile, your humor, or sharing your true feelings — you take a step toward healing your isolation. At the same time, you may be offering a gift that helps others feel less isolated, too.

If you like my article, please consider viewing my Facebook page and books below.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/30/3-things-that-keep-us-lonely/

Psychology Around the Net: September 30, 2017

Ah, the leaves are changing and the air’s getting crisper…goodbye September! I can’t say I’ll miss you (you kind of whizzed right on by?!) and October is my favorite month anyway!

This week’s Psychology Around the Net covers the real psychology behind taking a knee, what really creates the “grit” personality trait, why some people don’t need to hear “I love you” in relationships, and more.

Study Challenges Validity of the Psychological “Grit Scale”: For the past decade or so, various industries, from practical psychology to selecting employees, have used the Grit Scale to help measure a person’s “grit” — a supposed personality trait that combines perseverance to reach goals and consistency in interests. However, a new research shows that while the Grit Scale does measure perseverance and interest, the two components do not form a single trait.

The Psychology of Taking a Knee: When Colin Kaepernick took his first knee, did he realize he was starting a scientific conversation that goes way beyond his reason for the protest?

A Stanford Psychologist on the Art of Avoiding Assholes: You read that correctly: Robert Sutton, a psychology professor at Stanford University, has released The Asshole Survival Guide — seven years after his The No Asshole Rule — and he’s given an interview on everything from what exactly defines an “asshole” to how you can avoid being one.

What New Depression Drug Possibilities Are Out There? Researchers combining certain classes of medications have found these combinations can increase effectiveness, which can help doctors more quickly and efficiently determine which medicines will be the most effective for their patients.

This Photo Is A Powerful Reminder That Mental Illness Isn’t Always Visible: Many of us associate pictures of sad, gloomy-looking people with mental illness; however, there is no single — if any — kind of picture that shows mental disorders, as mental health advocate Milly Smith is trying to tell us. Smith posted a picture of herself looking and feeling happy one morning — and then tried for the third time to commit suicide seven hours later.

Why You Don’t Have To Say “I Love You” To Feel Love: Perhaps the most important thing — as simple as it sounds — is knowing what you want from the relationship and making sure you get it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/30/psychology-around-the-net-september-30-2017/

Your Narcissist Friend Probably Isn’t Listening to You

If you can recognize this pattern, you can handle your favorite narcissist more effectively.

One trait of men and women with narcissistic habits makes them frustratingly difficult to deal with — either as a partner at work or someone to live with at home.

As a therapist who specializes in helping couples build more satisfying marriages, I focus on this trait in particular.

What is that habit that most people overlook about narcissists?

Get Familiar With These 20 Styles Of Narcissism

When you interact with a person with narcissistic habits, you need to stay strong. Don’t be aggressive; just strong in self-confidence. Expect to be heard. Keep nicely but confidently putting your comments back out there until you succeed.

Then you never know what might emerge. The most overlooked sign of narcissism may — or may not — melt away!

There are many signs of narcissism, but the most telling but overlooked sign is habitual non-listening.

Narcissistic folks tend to do a lot of talking and very little listening. The narcissist knows best, so why bother listening to what others have to say?

Have you ever spoken with someone who responded to whatever you said by dismissing it? Narcissists brush aside, negate, or deprecate what others say instead of truly listening.

There are 2 tip-offs that give this way:

1. The word “but”: This deletes whatever came before — “But a better way to look at it is…”
2. Voice tone: If the response sounds irritated or deprecating, that’s the sound of unwillingness to listen to what’s valid in what you just said.

You are especially likely to trigger a narcissistic person’s message-deafness if your comment differs from the narcissist’s viewpoint. Narcissistic folks hear the words but block out the meaning, the message of the words they are hearing.

Why do therapists tend to miss the poor listening habits when they are assessing narcissism?

People with narcissistic tendencies do tend to listen to someone they see as higher in power than themselves. If those with narcissistic habits respect their therapist, their listening can appear to their therapist to be quite normal.

If the therapist, by contrast, were to see that same client interacting with his or her spouse or employees, the listening patterns would most likely be glaringly different — dismissive, ignoring altogether, minimizing the importance of the point that the spouse or employee just made, disagreeing with it, and pointing out what was wrong with it.

Most psychologists work with individual clients rather than with couples, so they consequently miss out on seeing the narcissistic listening habits.

Furthermore, another reason why therapists seldom note the narcissistic pattern of dismissive listening is because the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) lists the factors that therapists use for diagnosing emotional problems and problematic personality patterns.

Alas, this manual makes no mention of listening deficiencies as a diagnostic factor for narcissism, so therapists tend not to look for them.

Again, psychology in general, and even more so the psychiatrists who write the DSM manual, have historically focused primarily on individuals rather than on what those individuals do when they interact with others.

What are some ways that help you deal more effectively with narcissistic dismissive listening?

1. Do Not Take It Personally.

If someone you know talks with minimal listening, first and foremost do not take it personally. Dismissing what you say as wrong or irrelevant says more about that person than it does about you or what you have said.

Just as you would not take personally the limited hearing ability of someone with partial deafness, realize that your narcissistic friend, co-worker, or loved one has a genuine disability.

What Is a Kerouac Narcissist?

2. Repeat What You Said.

Just as you would repeat, perhaps more loudly, what you were trying to say to a deaf person, find ways to repeat, tactfully, the message that you were trying to communicate.

One formula for tactfully repeating a comment that has been brushed aside is first to agree cooperatively with what the narcissist has said. Then, reiterate your prior point. That is, agree, and then add your perspective.

You: The walls in this room are an unusual color of green.

The narcissist: No, they’re not. They’re yellow.

You: Yes, I agree that they are yellowish and at the same time, there’s a lot of green in the yellow, rather like a lime color.

Why are we drawn to narcissistic people?

Narcissists initially can appear to be very attractive. Many narcissistic individuals are good-looking, earn a good living, and are fun to be around.

Women are attracted to male narcissists because they seem powerful, special, and self-confident. Men are attracted to female narcissists who are strikingly beautiful or sexually appealing.

It’s only when narcissists begin to ignore their partner’s concerns and dismiss what their partner says that narcissistic listening disorder becomes a source of relationship tensions.

Watch Dr. W. Keith Campbell discuss the psychology behind narcissism.

Why do we miss the signs of narcissistic listening deficiency earlier in the relationship?

Narcissists do listen to people who seem to more powerful or who have something that they want.

So, when they are courting, they listen very well. It’s only when the relationship feels secure that narcissists relax back into their baseline dismissive listening style.

What can you do if someone you work with or love has a narcissistic non-listening pattern?

If you have chosen someone with narcissistic habits as a life partner or you have to deal at work in an ongoing way with someone who has difficulty listening to you, begin by viewing narcissism as a handicap. In spite of their charisma, narcissists have a genuine listening deficit.

Ratchet up your self-confidence because you’ll need to speak in a way that conveys an inner sense of personal power.

And from that self-confident stance, use collaborative dialogue skills. Show that you have heard your partner’s viewpoint and then persist until you have succeeded in conveying your viewpoint as well.

Praise and affection will also get you everywhere. Narcissistic folks relax and, therefore, listen better when they feel appreciated.

And keep reminding yourself that most narcissists can and do listen, even with empathy, when they experience the person with whom they are talking as having greater power.

What’s the moral of the story?

When you interact with a person with narcissistic habits, you need to stay strong. Don’t be aggressive; just strong in self-confidence. Expect to be heard. Keep nicely but confidently putting your comments back out there until you succeed.

Then you never know what might emerge. The most overlooked sign of narcissism may — or may not — melt away!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The Most Overlooked Symptom Of Narcissism.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/29/your-narcissist-friend-probably-isnt-listening-to-you/

Medical Marijuana for Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety & Mental Illness: Can It Help?

The usefulness of medical marijuana for the treatment of mental illness and disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and schizophrenia is an open question today. There have been only a few really good studies on this issue, and their findings are decidedly mixed.

So let’s dive into the question and see if medical marijuana can help the symptoms of mental illness, or is it more likely to cause harm?

The reason this is a very complex issue is because, unlike medical marijuana for chronic, debilitating pain, there’s a lot of additional factors that must be taken into account when studying mental illness and a psychoactive substance like marijuana. We’re just going to examine marijuana for the use of depression, anxiety, and bipolar symptoms in this article, because those are the populations that have had the greatest number of research studies done.

Marijuana for Depression & Anxiety

Here’s what one recent study found when combing the recent research literature to better understand it:

Results from studies that have focused on recreational users and/or young adults are quite variable; some show a negative association between marijuana use and anxiety/depression (e.g., Denson & Earleywine, 2006; Sethi et al., 1986; Stewart, Karp, Pihl, & Peterson, 1997), others a positive association (e.g., Bonn-Miller, Zvolensky, Leen-Feldner, Feldner, & Yartz, 2005; Hayatbakhsh et al., 2007; Scholes-Balog, Hemphill, Patton, & Toumbourou, 2013), and still others no association (e.g., Green & Ritter, 2000; Musty & Kaback, 1995). Such a diverse pattern of results suggests that other factors may also interact with marijuana use to affect anxiety and depression. (Grunberg et al., 2015).

That’s a fair amount of research — but none of it really conclusive, and much of it contradictory.

That is characteristic of this area of research — complicated, with results often at odds with other research.

These researchers examined 375 University of Colorado students over a 3-year period to track their marijuana use, as well as depression and anxiety symptoms. They also understood that the complexity of human behavior requires a more nuanced approached to an analysis of marijuana use. “The temperament dimension of harm avoidance (HA) is particularly relevant for understanding anxiety and depression as it is characterized by heightened apprehension, shyness, pessimism, and inhibition of behaviors. Given these biases, it is not surprising that HA is positively associated with both anxiety and depression.” So the researchers ensured they also measured temperament.¹

It is also important to consider that the simple relations we observed between marijuana use and depression symptoms differed from those obtained in the more complex models. That is, when only marijuana use was considered, results suggest a positive association between marijuana use and depression. […] [Ed. – This means that greater marijuana use was correlated with greater depressive symptoms.]

However, in the regression models that prospectively predict anxiety/depression and also include [multiple personality factors and temperament] interactions, and baseline anxiety or depression, marijuana use was not an independent predictor of depression symptoms. Moreover, in the models involving [novelty seeking], marijuana use negatively predicted depression symptoms (and anxiety).

These differing patterns of results first demonstrate the importance of measuring the effects of marijuana within the context of other factors known to affect anxiety and depression, as well as prior symptoms of anxiety and depression. The results might also indicate a complex causal relation between marijuana use and depression in which initial symptoms of depression facilitate marijuana use, which subsequently decreases depression (Grunberg et al., 2015).

As you can see, if you simply measure marijuana use and depressive or anxiety symptoms, you might walk away from your study believing that the two share some sort of causal relationship. But as Grunberg et al. found, when you dive deeper into patient histories and personality factors — especially temperament — that relationship goes away. And, in fact, marijuana use might actually help improve depressive symptoms.

What Happens When You Don’t Take the Complexity of These Disorders into Account?

One such study that didn’t look into personality factors or temperament was conducted more recently by Bahorik et al. (2017). As they note, “Marijuana is frequently used by those with depression, yet whether its use contributes to significant barriers to recovery in this population has been understudied.” That’s very true.

So the researchers examined the marijuana use and depression and anxiety symptoms of 307 psychiatry outpatients with depression; assessed at baseline, 3-, and 6-months on symptom (PHQ-9 and GAD-7), functioning (SF-12) and past-month marijuana use for a substance use intervention trial.

What they found was that a considerable number of patients used marijuana within 30-days of baseline — just slightly over 40%. What else did they find? “Depression symptoms contributed to increased marijuana use over the follow-up, and those aged 50+ increased their marijuana use compared to the youngest age group. Marijuana use worsened depression and anxiety symptoms; marijuana use led to poorer mental health functioning.” In addition, they found — surprisingly — that medical marijuana was associated with poorer physical health functioning.²

The researchers concluded that, “marijuana use is common and associated with poor recovery among psychiatry outpatients with depression. Assessing for marijuana use and considering its use in light of its impact on depression recovery may help improve outcomes (Bahorik et al., 2017).”

What about Marijuana for Bipolar Disorder?

Another study looked at the benefits and drawbacks of marijuana for bipolar disorder, because it is the most widely used illicit substance by people with this disorder. Does it help (or hurt) not only symptoms associated with bipolar I disorder, but also cognitive functioning?

The study consisted of 74 adults: 12 with bipolar disorder who smoke marijuana (MJBP), 18 bipolar patients who do not smoke (BP), 23 marijuana smokers without other Axis 1 pathology (MJ), and 21 healthy controls (HC), all of whom completed a neuropsychological battery. Participants also rated their mood 3 times daily, as well as after each instance of marijuana use over a 4 week period.

The researchers found that although the three groups each exhibited some degree of cognitive impairment relative to healthy controls, no significant differences between the two bipolar disorder-diagnosed groups were apparent, providing no evidence of an additive negative impact of bipolar disorder and marijuana use on one’s thinking abilities.

Additionally, the mood ratings indicated alleviation of mood symptoms in the MJBP group after marijuana use; MJBP participants experienced a substantial decrease in a composite measure of mood symptoms. As the researchers note, “Findings suggest that for some bipolar patients, marijuana may result in partial alleviation of clinical symptoms. Moreover, this improvement is not at the expense of additional cognitive impairment” (Sagar et al., 2016).

This research actually helps support previous research conducted by Gruber et al. in 2012. In their study of 43 adults, they found “Significant mood improvement was observed in the MJBP group on a range of clinical scales after smoking MJ […] Notably, total mood disturbance, a composite of the Profile of Mood States, was significantly reduced in the MJBP group” (Gruber et al., 2012).

They concluded:

Further, while the MJBP group reported generally worse mood ratings than the bipolar group prior to smoking marijuana, they demonstrated improvement on several scales post-marijuana use as compared to bipolar, non-marijuana participants. These data provide empirical support for anecdotal reports that marijuana acts to alleviate mood-related symptoms in at least a subset of bipolar patients and underscore the importance of examining marijuana use in this population. (Gruber et al., 2012).

So Does Marijuana Help with Depression, Anxiety, & Bipolar Disorder?

The data is decidedly mixed, and it’s not at all clear whether marijuana would help someone with a mental health condition or not. I suspect that, in the end, it would come down to an individual’s unique reaction, similar to how each individual reacts differently to different psychiatric medications. Well-done research studies seem to indicate that marijuana would help certain people, while it may not help others. But how to determine which group you fall into remains an exercise for future research.

It may be a few more years before we have a more concrete understanding of the benefits and drawbacks of medical marijuana for mental disorders. Until then, you could try it if you feel comfortable doing so, but as always, you should consult your medical or mental health professional before trying any treatment.

 

References

Bahorik, Amber L.; Leibowitz, Amy; Sterling, Stacy A.; Travis, Adam; Weisner, Constance; Satre, Derek D. (2017). Patterns of marijuana use among psychiatry patients with depression and its impact on recovery. Journal of Affective Disorders, 213, 168-171.

Grunberg, Victoria A.; Cordova, Kismet A.; Bidwell, L. Cinnamon; Ito, Tiffany A. (2015). Can marijuana make it better? Prospective effects of marijuana and temperament on risk for anxiety and depression. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 29, Special Section: Marijuana Legalization: Emerging Research on Use, Health, and Treatment. 590-602.

Gruber, Staci A.; Sagar, Kelly A.; Dahlgren, Mary K.; Olson, David P.; Centorrino, Franca; Lukas, Scott E. (2012). Marijuana impacts mood in bipolar disorder: A pilot study. Mental Health and Substance Use, 5, 228-239.

Sagar, Kelly A.; Dahlgren, M. Kathryn; Racine, Megan T.; Dreman, Meredith W.; Olson, David P.; Gruber, Staci A. (2016). Joint effects: A pilot investigation of the impact of bipolar disorder and marijuana use on cognitive function and mood. PLoS ONE, 11.

Wilson, Natascha; Cadet, Jean Lud. (2009). Comorbid mood, psychosis, and marijuana abuse disorders: A theoretical review. Journal of Addictive Diseases, 28, 309-319.

Footnotes:

1. Notice, too, that the researchers are looking at recreational marijuana use and not medically-prescribed marijuana use. That’s because whether you get your marijuana from a prescription pad or from a local, informal source, marijuana is largely the same. It is equally as powerful and going to have very similar effects when taken regularly. And because marijuana isn’t recognized by most practitioners as a legitimate treatment for depression symptoms, it’s hard to do research on it.
2. It could be that those in poorer physical health need medical marijuana to help alleviate a chronic pain or other health condition.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/29/medical-marijuana-for-depression-bipolar-disorder-anxiety-mental-illness-can-it-help/

Best of Our Blogs: September 29, 2017

There are devastating things happening in the world today.

Can we find paths to peace when everything feels like it’s falling apart?

When I was a kid, I thought money was evil. It did crazy things to people-made them jealous, angry and do unethical things. All I wanted was to save the world. As an adult, I realized I can’t save anyone unless I first take care of myself.

The same goes for the state of the world today. In order to have the energy, compassion and passion to extend outwards, we need to make sure we’re seeking support and restoration for ourselves.

This week, I hope you find time to read our articles. It’ll provide help if you’re being manipulated or alienated by others. And the next time you feel stuck or anxious, you might want to try doodling. One of our posts explains the benefits below.

9 Signs You Are Being Emotionally Controlled & How To Stop It
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – What does an unpredictable friend, an emoticon enthusiast, and aggressive social media follower have in common? They may all be trying to control you.

Parental Alienation-Perhaps a Step-Mom, But Never a Mom
(Full Heart, Empty Arms) – It’s a surprising thing that comes with step-motherhood you didn’t expect.

A Narcissist’s Hidden Shame
(The Exhausted Woman) – Is their such thing as a happy ending for those with narcissistic personality disorder? Read this couple’s story to see what’s possible for someone with NPD.

7 Benefits of Doodling You Might Not Know
(Reaching Life Goals) – If you find yourself doodling during a meeting, save your guilt. It may help solve your next work problem.

Can You Be Friends With A Sociopath?
(Tales of Manic Depression) – Here’s what happens when you go from friends to romantic relationship with a sociopath.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/29/best-of-our-blogs-september-29-2017/

What I’ve Learned about Relationships and Mental Illness

Relationships and mental illness — can it work out? People who struggle with mental health issues might find themselves wondering if they can handle a relationship as well. I know I did. After all, it’s hard to think about being with another person when some days just managing life feels hard.

I didn’t date that much in my twenties. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the age of 19, and I honestly thought that being in a relationship would be too much stress. I had all these worries — what if I wasn’t fun to be with? What if my partner got fed up with my issues and left? What if I wasn’t ready to deal with being in a relationship alongside dealing with my mental health?

And worst of all — what if I told someone about my mental health issues and they ran in the opposite direction? There’s such a stigma about mental health that I worried a lot about how my prospective partner might react.

I’m nearly 40 now and have been happily married for 15 years. Along the way, I’ve learned a few things about balancing a relationship together with mental health issues. Here’s what I’ve learned about relationships and mental illness.

1. They Are Totally Compatible

Having a relationship is as possible for you as it is for anyone else! Whether we have mental health issues or not, each person comes with their own “stuff.” A mental health condition doesn’t have to be a barrier to a healthy relationship. Yes, it does take a bit of work, but it’s totally doable.

2. But You Have to Find the Right Person

The key to having a good relationship is to find the right person. You’ll need someone who is open minded about mental health and empathic enough to be willing to learn and understand. Someone who shows patience when you are having a rough day.

3. Disclosure Is a Must

Keeping your mental health a secret puts immense pressure on you, and that stress will only add to your problems and make your symptoms even worse. To have a successful relationship you need to know you can be open about your issues, even on your worst days.

4. But Pick Your Time

Knowing when to disclose is a tough call. On one hand, you probably don’t want to mention it on the first date. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is very personal. On the other hand, you don’t want to get really invested in the relationship only to find out they can’t handle it. I waited until it was obvious this was more than just a handful of dates, before we made any commitments

5. Know Your Limits

Your mental health condition most likely put some limits on what you can do in a day. For me, I know if I get too stressed, my anxiety gets worse. So I have to take things more slowly than some people. Stress might affect you in a completely different way, but be aware when it does.

6. But Don’t Make Your Partner Responsible

Ultimately, only you are responsible for your behavior and for managing your mental health. It’s a good idea to make your partner aware of how your condition affects you and it’s absolutely ok to ask them for support — but don’t make them responsible for you. For example, sometimes my depression makes it hard for me to get motivated for a night out, but I don’t stop my husband from going out. My depression is not his problem to solve.

A healthy relationship can actually boost your mental health by bringing joy, laughter, and support into your life. If you’ve been worrying about having a relationship because of your mental health, I’d say, why not give it a try? Just be aware of your needs and limits — make sure the relationship is nourishing, not draining, you!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/28/what-ive-learned-about-relationships-and-mental-illness/

Why Is Trust Important?

Who do you trust? Ideally, family, friends and co-workers in our inner circles would be first among those to whom we offer our vulnerability. As children, we are taught to trust police officers, clergy and doctors. Sadly, those in all categories have been known to exhibit behaviors that betray our confidence and safety. Letting youngsters know that they have a “Spidey Sense” and can detect when they are being lied to, or are in danger, is an important parenting skill. When children have go-to people, whether in their family or extended community, they are more likely to trust — and with good reason.

How can we grow trust?

A 2008 study conducted by Danielle Kassow, Ph.D., found a correlation between caregiver sensitivity and secure infant attachment.

“The parent-child relationship is the first social relationship,” says Kassow. “It teaches the child that he can communicate in order to get his needs met, which transfers to forming relationships later in life.”

In the toddler stage of development, a phenomenon is witnessed during which the child will wander from the parent’s immediate site and play and then check back to make sure that the adult is still present; as if her or she doesn’t want them to get lost. Once assured that the caregiver is there, the child will again step away. If the parent is encouraging, that is likely to build trust.

Children are also more inclined to trust a consistent caregiver. When a child is reassured that needs will be met (even if wants/requests are not always), he or she will develop a greater sense of autonomy and a willingness to take safe risks. In speaking with clients, a therapist discovered that many of his clients did not have this experience. Several were provided the basics of food, shelter and clothing, but were lacking the most rudimentary skills necessary to master adulthood and independence.  Parents who modeled fear and hesitation and that the world was an unsafe place, often raised children who sat in his therapy office and sought support for overcoming anxiety.

Helicopter parenting may also inhibit a child’s ability to become autonomous since the verbal or non-verbal message is, “You can’t be trusted to make your own decisions and I know what is best for you.”  This can be emotionally crippling and feed low motivation to mature. Giving a child tasks to complete to the best of his or her ability can build the metaphorical muscles to carry them to successful adulthood. When parents provide parameters; roots and wings, the child is more likely to exhibit trustworthy behavior.

Keeping the Faith

A study conducted in 2013 indicates that most Americans’ faith in each other has plummeted precipitously since 1972. Robert D. Putnam, the author of Bowling Alone states that our social disconnect is what is behind it and that it can be repaired through civic engagement and networking. In his book, which was released in 2000, Putnam contends, after conducting 500,000 interviews in the past 25 years, that we “sign fewer petitions, belong to fewer organizations that meet, know our neighbors less, meet with friends less frequently, and even socialize with our families less often. We’re even bowling alone. More Americans are bowling than ever before, but they are not bowling in leagues.”   

So, how do we re-establish that faith? One is through seeing those whose paths we cross as being ‘like us,’ rather than being considered ‘other/foreign’. The current political climate in the United States has been feeding mistrust of those perceived as different, whether they hail from another culture, are divergent in gender, worship in other ways, or voted for someone we wouldn’t have chosen. We need to find common ground.

In a powerful You Tube video called The Anatomy of Trust, Brené Brown, author of Rising Strong, The Gifts of Imperfection, and Daring Greatly, speaks of the establishment of trust. She tells the story of the sense of betrayal her daughter Ellen felt when a friend shared personal information that she had asked to be kept private. Her daughter then explained something that her teacher used to maintain appropriate behavior in the classroom that involved a marble jar. When the students did something positive, a marble got added to the jar. When they did something negative, one got removed. The same is true of our friends. They need to ‘earn our marbles’/trust. Consider those in your life. Are there people who have invested enough in your friendship that you can trust them with your most intimate secrets? Another analogy is an ATM. To withdraw funds, you need to have placed enough in the account.

Brown also uses the acronym BRAVING to describe the paradigm of building and maintaining trust.

• Boundaries: Setting up parameters for what you will and won’t permit in your life. We each have a bubble of comfort into which we allow some people and from which we hold others at bay. We have the right to say yes to what we want and no to what we don’t want without guilt.
• Reliability: Knowing that we can be counted on to do what we say and say what we mean.
• Accountability: Owning up to our feelings, words and actions, rather than placing blame on others.
• Vault: Holding our tongue and only sharing information that is ours to share or that we are given explicit permission to tell others if it is another person’s story.
• Integrity: Living according to our values.
• Non-Judgement: Speaking our truth and allowing for others to do the same without making them or ourselves wrong for it.
• Generosity: Assuming that the other person has our best interest at heart and vice versa.

I use this descriptor for the word TRUST:

Truth -factual, not relying on perception.

Reliable- consistency, walking the talk, accountability

Understanding- fueled by empathy. Can I walk a mile in your moccasins?

Sincerity- coming from the heart as an example of true caring about another.

Time- developed over a series of moments with proven reliability.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/28/why-is-trust-important/

Podcast: How Has Mental Health Advocacy Changed?

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe Howard and Vincent M. Wales welcome Andy Behrman, veteran mental health speaker, writer, and advocate who is the author of Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania. Andy shares his views on how mental health advocacy has changed over the past fifteen years and the ways in which our views of stigma have evolved. He also shares the story of his interview with noted actor and bipolar advocate Stephen Fry, his ideas on how to help fund advocacy groups, and his experiences with electroconvulsive therapy and memory loss. And, yes, he tells us how he got the nickname of “Electroboy.” 

Mental Health Advocacy Show Highlights:

“When Electroboy was published…there were very few memoirs about mental health.” ~ Andy Berhman 

[1:48]  How has mental health advocacy changed? 

[3:15]  Is mental illness less stigmatized now? 

[9:10]  Electroboy talks about ECT and memory loss. 

[11:22] Andy Berhman’s Stephen Fry experience. 

[13:39] Andy shares his plans to help fund smaller advocacy groups. 

 

Proud Sponsor of The Psych Central Show

 

Subscribe to Our Show!

About Our Guest

Andy Behrman is the author of Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania, published by Random House in 2002. Electroboy is the chronicle of Andy’s battle with bipolar disorder. Andy is a mental health writer, advocate and speaker who has traveled across the country for more than fifteen years sharing his experiences with bipolar disorder, suicide prevention and wellness and recovery. 

www.electroboy.com
Follow Andy on Twitter @electroboyusa 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

 

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/28/podcast-how-has-mental-health-advocacy-changed/

Happiness as a Choice

There are thousands of theories of happiness and how people feel such profound personal satisfaction that they are genuinely happy people. Some believe that happiness comes from achieving your goals. Others believe it comes when certain parts of their life come together the way they want. Some feel that happiness comes when their perspective is validated. The common factor here is the control for happiness. It is true that many things and actions can make you happy, however to remain happy long-term is the real struggle.

A professional may feel happy once he or she gets the big bonus that can pay for the car they always wanted. Once they get that car, they feel happier because it’s new and they earned it. They feel happy in the moment and for as long as that new-car-high lasts.

Someone who is outgoing and has a lot of friends may feel happy when surrounded by people. They may often be invited out and have a lot of personal and professional networks to mingle in. They may feel happy because they are surrounded by people who admire them. Generally, that contentment lasts until they are by themselves again.

In both these examples, happiness is obtained through external means. These people seem to rely on the tangible gains or other people to make them happy.

Think about this: you are in conflict with someone you care about and respect. You are unable to come to an agreement or common ground. You dig your heels into the ground and do not waver from your viewpoint. You hold such a gridlock on your ability to hear another person’s point of view and are already prepared with an answer. You think that once you convince this person that your perspective is the “correct” one or otherwise validate point of view, you will feel more content because you will be “right.” Does this ring a bell to anyone?

Chances are you have been there. You have likely been on both ends of this, feeling that you are “right” at times and feeling “wrong” other times. You get swept into the inertia of an argument that you also react and dig your heels in, perpetuating the same dynamic over and over again.

At the end of the conflict, chances are no one is really left feeling happier or at ease. The reason is because you and whoever you are in conflict with are both looking to the other’s reaction, perspective or validation to make yourself happy. In the conflict, you are looking to the other to validate you rather seeking to understand their perspective. When we change the language of how we approach disagreements with the lens of happiness, the dynamic can change.

In conflicts with people you care about, choose happiness as the shared desired outcome. Voicing that as your goal can quickly shift the argument into a conversation where both parties can engage in a productive dialogue. When you make a conscious choice to choose to happiness for yourselves and recognize your vision of what you want, you tend to let go of the conflict. You allow yourself to take a step back and open your ears, mind and heart to another’s perspective. You begin to empathize and consider that they may be sharing their goals of happiness with you, which may pave a path for you to become comfortable opening up again. You actually begin to reframe the idea of “conflict” as “opportunities” to reach a goal together.

Choosing to be happy is a daily practice that will take time. When you rely wholly on yourself to be happy, you attract exactly that. You no longer feel disappointment because you empower yourself to be happy and give yourself the authority to be in charge of your own happiness.

Happy people are not happy all the time. Life is not easier for those who are happier. However, they have recognized the power they have over their own personal satisfaction and have chosen to cultivate what makes them happy long-term.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/27/happiness-as-a-choice/

On Losing My Mother

It has been 3 years since my Mother died at 9:41pm on a hot August night. She was 62 and pancreatic cancer had ravaged her body in a short 7 weeks. I was there. I remember the room, the funeral home removing her body and my 45-minute drive home with my Yorkie. It was surreal and I didn’t cry.

Reflecting back on her loss and the associated grief, I didn’t start to grieve until 6 months after she passed. Immediately following her death, my siblings and I had a condominium to sell, clothing and household items to pack, and a funeral to plan. I told myself I was too busy to allow the sadness and grief in.

During this time, I often found myself comforting others about her loss. “I will be ok” or “thank you for your concern,” but in reality I was losing weight, experiencing hair loss and exhaustion. When I saw the Doctor to discuss my symptoms her response was, “Your Mom died. This is normal.”

But what is normal after loss? What does the grief process look like? What I can tell you is it is different for everyone. I read the books, reviewed the stages of grief, and scoured online journals about losing a parent as an adult. What I found is grief is a journey, and I don’t see an end. There isn’t a concrete start and end point. But what I do see is that the weight of the loss has become less with time, it has changed shape. I think of her every day and the anniversary of her death, holidays and birthdays are hard; but my life continues, as she would want it to.

I put the energy from her loss into a little free library in the town where I live. I stained and treated the wood red, her favorite color, and put my grief energy into that library. It took several weeks to complete. With each stroke I released my anger, sadness, and frustration. I used my physical labor to help release the emotional turmoil I had inside.

The library is near a local park that I frequent with a plaque that says “In Memory of Marita Grasher.” I visit that library weekly, take books, and make sure it remains clean. It is how I utilize my grief energy, putting it into something living, something to give back to the community in which I live. Friends, coworkers and town members donate books for the library. This library has connected our community, but it has also continued a connection to my Mother. It is a positive outlet for my energy.

We each have our own story of how we work through grief. I have found peace in the library and comfort sharing with others who have experienced loss of an immediate family member. I don’t have to explain or inform them about my thoughts, ideas or actions; there is a gentle understanding. With my siblings, in a group, or in an online forum, I can be me.

This is my grief story about my beloved Mother, Marita Grasher. What is yours or what do you want it to be?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/27/on-losing-my-mother/

How We Inadvertently Increase Mental Health Stigma

Even if we see ourselves as advocates for increasing acceptance and understanding for people dealing with mental health issues, most of us are probably unconsciously contributing to mental health stigma.

We talk about being “depressed” on gloomy days, or “OCD” about the cleanliness of our homes. We remark that our friend has “PTSD” from a bad work week, or is “paranoid” about germs.

Most of us are guilty of having spoken these terms and phrases in everyday conversation. If not, then we’ve definitely heard others use them colloquially. We aren’t being literal, and there’s no real harm, right? Wrong — and the damage we are doing is probably much more significant than we realize.

This misappropriation of such terms belittles mental health conditions and frames them in a negative light. And it impairs the ability of all of us, including those actually confronted with mental illness, to discern between critical mental health issues and exaggerated expressions.

Before you roll your eyes or claim that this is simply political correctness run amuck, did you realize that 60 percent of the 50 million Americans suffering from mental health issues actually fail to get the help they often desperately need? And that stigma is one of the main barriers holding people back from care?

Terms like “anxiety” and “addiction” are real mental health diagnoses affecting 30 million Americans, and they have serious medical ramifications. By loosely using these terms, we dilute the severity of these conditions and contribute to the growing misconception that mental health diagnoses and care do not require specialized training.

Such clinical language was developed by mental health experts for the purpose of exacting diagnoses and treatments in the same manner that physical medical terms have been defined. We all know not to assert that our leg is broken without conclusive evidence produced by an X-ray and a medical professional’s diagnosis. Yet, we often fail to think twice before saying we are “depressed.” The truth is that most of us are not capable of performing an X-ray or diagnosing depression.

The repeated pattern of people inaccurately issuing self-diagnoses and stigmatizing mental health conditions, even inadvertently, is more than just a hurtful trend. What if the watering down of mental health care terms is actually stopping young people who truly do suffer from mental illness from seeking the treatment? Our careless vocabulary could ultimately be obscuring the path to recovery for those who are suffering.

The time is long overdue to redefine mental health and create a new vocabulary surrounding treatment within society. We need to communicate responsibly with each other, and particularly the next generation, about mental health issues.

Today, the nation’s most at-risk demographic is young people under the age of 18, and 75 percent of mental health problems are typically identified before the age of 24. Studies have shown that patients are much more likely to improve and continue getting effective treatment, if they begin therapy by that age.

We must work to ensure that our youth and young adults understand the true meaning of mental health terms and that they don’t hesitate to seek help if they need it. We also should embrace modern channels and communication methods that can make receiving mental health care, for both young and old alike, as accessible, comfortable and relatable as possible.

Many of us have become desensitized to the genuine mental health challenges of today due in part to pop culture’s haphazard use of its terminology. But it is our collective responsibility to pause, and consider steps we all can take, even those of us who are not therapists, to address modern mental health care needs.

To help our friends, neighbors and community members receive the mental health care they need, we must first become cognizant of the roadblocks we may be inadvertently throwing in their path.

So, the next time we think about using terms like “bipolar,” “anxious,” or “depressed,” let’s take a moment to pause and consider the significant repercussions for mental health stigma. We must choose our words carefully to ensure that we are part of the solution, rather than the problem.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/27/how-we-inadvertently-increase-mental-health-stigma/

How Awe Can Diminish Anxiety

Take a moment to think about how you felt the last time you caught yourself ruminating and/or stuck in an anxious mode. Perhaps you were stressed about money or the health of a loved one. Maybe you simply felt overwhelmed.

Now, take a moment and think about how you felt the last time you became “awe-struck.” Awe often occurs when appreciating the grandeur of nature, connecting with the beauty of art, even viewing an act of generosity toward others.

Chances are that when in an anxious state, it was hard to focus on anything else but “what-if” thoughts. Your heart races and you try with all of your might to control both your mind and body.

On the other hand, when in a state of awe or wonder, you may have felt a deep pleasure, a sense of wonder, a child-like curiosity. Your heart slows down, and you remain transfixed, gazing at the source of your awe. Most likely, you don’t want to control these positive feelings; rather, you wish for them to last even longer, and you hope to experience them on a more regular basis.

In an American Psychological Association article titled “Probing the Depression-Rumination Cycle,” author Bridget Murray Law notes that “rumination can impair thinking and problem-solving, and drive away critical social support.” Law goes on to cite a survey in which it was found that self-described ruminators were four times more likely to develop depression than non-ruminators. Unfortunately, many ruminators get stuck in the trench of depression due to relentless negative self-talk. According to research, ruminators often struggle to find good solutions to hypothetical problems. In other words, people who tend to ruminate and worry, have a harder time making positive decisions due to the depressive cloud of uncertainty and immobilization.

On the other hand, awe may actually sharpen decision-making skills, as well as providing an overall sense of connection with something greater than ourselves. The article “How Awe Sharpens Our Brains,” by Michelle Lani Shiota and Greater Good Science Center (which was adapted from Greater Good In Action, a site launched by UC Berkeley) describes a study that included participants who had just relived a personal experience of awe. In this study, participants with other positive emotions — besides awe — such as enthusiasm, amusement, and contentment were easily persuaded by both strong and weak arguments of a fictional proposal. Interestingly, participants in the “awe condition” (those people who had just relived a personal experience of awe) were only persuaded by the strong arguments. It may be, then, that the people who had came from the “awe mind set” may have been able to “read the supposed news article even more carefully, and analyzed it more critically.”

I know from personal experience that when I ruminate, it’s difficult to see the larger picture, that my fears and worries highlight the negative while obscuring positive solutions and insight. And in those times when I’m awe-struck, like when I recently viewed the actual “Starry Night” by Vincent Van Gogh at the Modern Museum of Art in New York, I find myself in a meditative state where I feel as if anything is possible.

Awe, then not only stimulates wonder and increases gratitude, it may also sharpen our brains in such a way that it may help reduce the negative effects of worry and rumination. I believe, too, that if we seek awe on a continuous basis, it may also reduce anxiety itself. For if we are able to plug into an overall feeling of connectedness and deepening our understanding of the sublime — as the state of awe opens us to — we are more likely to override our anxiety buttons and less likely to fall into the pit of rumination.

We do not have to climb a mountaintop to find awe, either. If practiced daily, it may be easier to experience than thought. It may be as simple as taking a break from distractions (such as cell phones) and going for a walk while focusing on the miracle of a bird in flight or a tree that thrives in a small patch of dirt lining a city street. However you seek your awe — whether it is in nature, a museum, or in the joyful giggle of a baby — remember to recognize it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/26/how-awe-can-diminish-anxiety/

5 Surefire Ways to Find Peace of Mind

“When you’ve seen beyond yourself, then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there.” – George Harrison

If you’re distracted by all that’s going on in your life and yearn for a little respite, some peace of mind that you can bathe in, there’s one thing you can do, that each person can do: get outside yourself. It’s not as easy as it sounds. How do you get outside yourself, put some distance between you and your ever-present concerns? Here are five tips that may prove helpful:

1. Schedule some time for yourself that doesn’t involve work.

With so many people multi-tasking today, it’s a wonder there aren’t more accidents, missed appointments, botched assignments and burnt meals. The human mind cannot adequately focus on two things at once. This goes as much for driving and texting as it does anything else. Yet, far too many people think they’re more capable than the next guy, that they can do it all simultaneously.

Multi-tasking, besides being potentially hazardous to your health and the health of others around you, fills your head with too much information, leading to overload, stress, fatigue and a distinct sense of overwhelm.

The quick remedy is to pencil in some personal time to do what you want to do, if it doesn’t involve work. It doesn’t matter what you wind up doing, only that it is some activity that makes you feel good, removes you from all the responsibilities and tasks you’ve been overwhelmed by, and gives you the time you need to recharge and rejuvenate.

2. Learn to say no.

The word no is one of the most powerful in human language. Saying no frees you up to do other things, more meaningful things, tending to what’s on your agenda, not someone else’s. This is vitally important, since taking on too much at the request of others or imposing more work on yourself is guaranteed to backfire. For one thing, there are only so many hours in the day. Secondly, there’s a limit to how much you can do nonstop, both physically and mentally, not to mention emotionally.

By saying no, you’ll be establishing self-control and some necessary boundaries. If you desire peace of mind, get some backbone and find the courage to say no.

3. Don’t wait until the end of the day to do what needs to be done.

You know the feeling of rushing to cram tasks in as the day nears a close. Whether at work, home, school or elsewhere, when you put something off until the end of the day, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, not to mention a sour look from the boss, loved one, teacher, family member or friend. Relieving some of the pressure you put on yourself must begin with tending to business in a timely manner. Whether it’s a work or school project or duties in the home, even social obligations you’ve accepted, putting off until later is not recommended. Get an early start on what you need to do. That way you won’t feel pressured and rushed. You’ll also be more inclined to feel good about taking some time for yourself after your work is done.

4. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

When you try to see life as someone else does, things look quite a bit different. You may come away from this exercise with a better appreciation of what you have in your own life to be grateful for. If you can provide some assistance to a person who needs it without being asked, this act of selflessness and generosity will add to your peace of mind.

5. Establish a network of faithful friends.

When you take the time to be with people you enjoy spending time with, life seems better. How simple a solution, yet it’s also too easy to say you don’t have the time for such interaction. Consider the benefits of being with good friends, as opposed to acquaintances. It’s less tumultuous, stressful and obligatory and more fun, genuine and restorative. What better way to find peace of mind than to establish a network of faithful friends — and then do things with them?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/26/5-surefire-ways-to-find-peace-of-mind/

Best of Our Blogs: September 26, 2017

There are a few new things I’ve been doing that has had a tremendous impact on my emotional health.

Gratitude. 

You’ve probably heard it a million times. I have to. But I’ve only recently got it. That’s because I tried a different approach.

I looked at my life through the lens of an outsider. From this perspective, I saw all the things I take for granted (my husband, kids and home) as blessings. This simple act of zooming in on what’s right with the world has had a profound impact on my state of mind.

As you read our top posts, you might recognize yourself. It’s an important practice in appreciating what you’ve been through, which leads to accepting yourself. If you need a little help finding the good in your situation, keep reading. Our last post shows how creativity can support you in the process.

Is Childhood Emotional Neglect Weighing on Your Relationship?
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – You never fight, but something’s missing in your relationship. Your childhood could explain your lack of intimacy.

6 Things the Unloved Child Longs For
(Knotted) – The reasons why you struggle as an adult has a lot to do with what you never got as a child.

3 Skills Children Learn When Exposed to Outdoor Play
(Connecting Through Play) – Research shows it. One of the best things you can do to help your children with stress, boost creativity and build motor skills, is to get them outside.

Put a Ring on It – A Singleness Ring: Guest Post by Gretchen Baskerville
(Single at Heart) – It’s not what you think of when you hear the words, “Put a ring on it.” But if you’re single, here’s why you should.

Coming Home to Ourselves
(Make a Mess: Everyday Creativity) – You’ve spent your whole life running away from you. But here’s why self-acceptance is like coming home.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/26/best-of-our-blogs-september-26-2017/

Feeling Stuck? How to Help Yourself

We all have had moments when we felt “stuck” or like we’ve hit a wall. Being stuck is an inner feeling of stagnation and paralysis that feels beyond our control. And feeling stuck causes us to feel hopeless about our lives and powerlessness to change it.

When we feel stuck, we question our core purpose, our life’s path, and even our past and future decisions. Feeling stuck makes our lives seem confusing, hopeless and uninspired, and it’s not a surprise to learn that feeling stuck often underlies anxiety, sadness, depression and substance abuse.

So what causes us to feel stuck? As with all things personal and psychological, the causes underlying “feeling stuck” are complex and often unique to an individual’s life and personal history, so there’s no easy or clear answer. However, with that being said, some of the most common causes include:

• Self-doubt
• Procrastination
• Fear of making mistakes
• Feelings of powerless and hopeless
• Ambivalence
• Discomfort with trying new things and getting out of your comfort zone
• No longer feeling curious to try new things
• Self-neglect by putting others’ need in front of your own
• Unrealistic self-imposed expectations

Although these are common feelings that everyone can experience, it’s important to remind ourselves that all change begins within us and that we are our own agents of change.

Below are five things you can do now to help you get moving and feel “un-stuck:”

1. Curb self-talk that begins with “I have to…” and “I should…”. This kind of self-talk makes us feel automatic, oppressed and stagnate.
2. Make self-care a priority. Take charge of your physical and emotional needs. When we make sure our needs are met, we are telegraphing a message to our selves and those around us, that we matter and we’re important. This type of attitude is crucial for implementing change when feeling stuck and replaces feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness with the feelings of hope and optimism.
3. Every day, do at least one thing you enjoy. Whatever that is — whether it is reading, working out, or just sitting and relaxing — make it a priority as much as your other responsibilities, like working, paying the bills, and taking care of family. Doing the things we love brings new and positive energy into our lives.
4. Take a break from social media. Several studies indicate that social media can make it hard for us to let go of our past, has a negative impact on our self-esteem, induces envy, and inhibits us from having substantial relationships. All of the above can contribute to feeling stuck. Limiting or taking a complete break from social media gives us time back to focus on pursuing personal goals and helps us to live in the moment.
5. Be OK with feeling stuck. This may sound counter intuitive, but it’s not. Sometimes the more we resist an emotion or thought, the stronger it becomes. Feeling stuck from time to time is normal. Instead of thinking it is wrong or bad to feel stuck, allow yourself to be present in this emotion so your mental energy can go towards figuring out what changes need to be made to move forward, rather than focusing your energy on self-criticism about feeling stuck in the first place.
6. Do something outside of your comfort zone. Living life only within our comfort zone inhibits us from growing in countless ways. Figure out what you’d like to try but have been hesitant to act on because of fear or self-doubt. Make a conscious effort to become aware of what gives you a deep sense of joy and excitement.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/25/feeling-stuck-how-to-help-yourself/

Living a Valued Life: 5 Steps to Clarify Your Values

Your life is important. We all have moments of doubt and fear that can make us feel small, inferior and unworthy. These thoughts do not control us and they have no power over us. We can choose to live a valued and purposeful life that has meaning and invigorates our spirit. Here are some steps that you can take right now to live in accordance with your values, goals and dreams.

What does it mean to live a valued life? Values are the beliefs and standards we choose to live by. Our values dictate how we choose to act and respond in the world. When we define our values, we are describing how our lives would be most meaningful to us. How will you define your life direction? What do you want to stand for? It is important to clarify exactly what you are working towards. By choosing the direction of your life, you can act on what really matters to you.

Once you’ve got a few ideas of how you want to grow and move forward, you can start moving toward achieving these goals and values.

1. Describe your ideal moment. Whether it’s getting the promotion, reaching a certain point in your health journey, getting a certain task done describe it. Go into the smallest details and describe it for at least 3 minutes. If you’re more comfortable writing about it, do that. The goal here is to get in touch with the things that make this moment important and what you feel about this moment.
2. What parts about that important moment stand out? What parts do you include? Are there certain parts of this description that you keep coming back to? What parts feel the strongest in terms of the details? These things that are standing out to you are telling you why this goal matters so much to you, and these details will keep you moving forward even on the hard days when you need energy to keep it all moving properly.
3. Why are these things important to you — why do they matter and what is your motivation? Take the focus points that you mentioned — the ones that feel the strongest — and understand why they are important. Write descriptions for each point that you pull out. It could be the way it makes you feel, what it will mean for your future, anything. You’ll understand the importance of this ideas and this will keep you moving towards it. It will help you get the focus to go after those important goals you have identified.
4. Keep reminding yourself of these values and the moment you are working toward. Now that you’ve got a clear picture of what you are working towards, you need to remind yourself of that as much as possible. Understand why it means so much to you and what, exactly it means for you to be able to meet those goals. If you need to, make an image that reminds you of that happiness that is waiting for you, and put it on your fridge, on your wall, on your phone, whatever. Just keep remembering why it matters so much to you!
5. Always work toward it. We all have weak moments where we want to give up and quit. Take a deep breath, re-energize yourself with that description and/or the photo that you keep around, and move into your bright future. You’ll be able to understand why it matters so much to you after a few minutes of work, and you’ll be able to get back on track and tackle that part of your life that is waiting for you.

There is no definition in a general sense of what value is, so each person’s ideal goals and descriptions are going to be unique. Rely on your own list and goals and use that to help propel you forward. It might seem too easy to work in terms of motivating you, but this forces you to get in touch with those important emotions, and you’ll feel the energy before too long.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/25/living-a-valued-life-5-steps-to-clarify-your-values/

Comparison: The Perfectionist’s Incessant Urge

Alice had experienced many successes in her youth. She was gifted with athletic skills, intelligence, and an outgoing personality. She qualified for a scholarship in college and graduated with honors from a prestigious program. Alice enjoyed the praise of others, and felt she should be happy but was not. She had developed the habit of comparing herself with others. When she could not keep up with what she believed were others’ expectations, she felt anxious and depressed. She would say, “If I make a mistake, others will judge me, and I will be nothing!”

Perfectionism is a topic of interest to many because of the impact it can have in individuals’ lives. There is nothing wrong with having a desire to succeed in life and doing what it takes to accomplish it. The problem is when individuals get stuck in the minutia in order to avoid fears such as self-doubt, impressing others, or failure. It is how you go about your goals and behaviors that make the difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. If you are not satisfied with the way your life is going because you feel the need to keep up with certain image, you may be experiencing unhealthy perfectionism.

Comparison

There is nothing wrong with contrasting and comparing. From the time we were kids we learned about opposites, similarities, and phrases such as “which one is not like the other” from books or children’s TV shows. Every item we own, food we eat, job or career we hold is because our amazing mind provides evaluations regarding what may work best for us. Comparison can help us make choices in our external world.

However, when it comes to our internal experiences, our mind may provide advice regarding our position in life in relation to that of others, which is not helpful. Joe runs faster than I do. Chloe is more successful than I am. Charlie is smarter than me. The Jones’ children are better behaved than mine. But as you may already have discovered, comparison doesn’t work quite the same in our internal world.

It has been said that, “the brain takes the shape of whatever the mind rests upon.” Comparing thoughts may become incessant. The amazing mind tries to come up with solutions that may lead you to the comparison treadmill. Sometimes, individuals report comparison is useful because it makes them work harder. Comparison may work temporarily, but the longer individuals with unhealthy perfectionism try to keep up, the more exhausted they become.

Lessons from Nature

Imagine that you found thousands of seashells along an exotic beach. Most of them appear intact, and some are slightly chipped. Some of them are multi-colored, and others are gray and dark. Some have lines and grooves and others look smooth. They vary in shades and shapes. Each of them is different and that’s what gives them their uniqueness and beauty.

If the seashells could talk, they could tell you countless stories about their journey to the shore. They would speak of hardships and storms they endured and how forceful waves brought them there.

Each seashell has had its own journey. The distress from being in the ocean may not be obvious. But, would it be right to say that one is above or below others? If you were a seashell and you noticed another one that appeared to have no flaws and no apparent signs of distress, would it be fair to say that it has had a better life than yours?

The Mind

Our human tendency to compare is highly ingrained. Our ancestors needed a quick and judgmental mind in order to stay alive. We also strive for survival and acceptance instinctively. Our mind constantly provides us with advice to do so.

When the mind becomes overzealous about protecting us, the challenges crop up. The mind creates thoughts and judgments we believe, and eventually we become stuck. We become distressed and in turn begin to create mental habits that may end up being unhelpful in the long run. Constant comparison is one of them.

Learning to Watch Your Thoughts

This is an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) principle that can help you create distance between you and your thoughts. If you are inclined to regularly compare yourself with others, you can begin to change that habit. You can learn to notice your thoughts instead of being entangled with them.

Sit still and watch your thoughts: Take at least 3-5 minutes twice daily to sit quietly and observe your thoughts. Notice how your mind — the time machine — takes you back to the past or the future. Pay attention when the thoughts are about the present moment. Become curious about what your mind does and when it urges you to jump on the comparison treadmill. Acknowledge that and whatever else may come up during your practice.

Write your thoughts on paper: Take at least 5-10 minutes twice daily to write everything the mind is saying in that moment. Notice when the thoughts are judgmental and if they are helpful or unhelpful. Keep noticing as you write them. You can become an observer of your thoughts by writing the old fashioned way.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Don’t let that impostor get in the way of finding joy and more meaning in life. Be patient and remember that it is about the process!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/09/25/comparison-the-perfectionists-incessant-urge/