Getting Married? Couples Counseling Can Help Your Love Last

Premarital counseling might seem like the last item you want on your wedding to-do list, but consider it the best gift to your marriage. Couples counseling isn’t just for those in crisis, or who are experiencing relationship difficulties. Learning to equip your relationship early on with strong communication, compromise, and problem-solving skills will help your marriage thrive.

Premarital couples counseling can help you explore ways you and your future spouse can love intentionally, stop believing damaging relationship lies, or find your way out of a relationship rut.

If There’s No Problem, What Do We Talk About?

Communication can be a good place to start since it is the main way you will share your life with each other. You might start by exploring your communication styles, including how you respond to conflict, how you ask for help, or how you are most comfortable expressing your feelings. It is also helpful to recall each partner’s specific responses during previous arguments and examine how your communication styles affected the outcome.

We can also learn a great deal from how our own families fought. Did your parents avoid difficult topics? Problem-solve effectively? Work towards resolution or cave and build up bitterness and resentment? Simply knowing how you and your partner were taught how to communicate will provide a deep level of empathy and understanding, help keep expectations realistic, and show areas of growth. Couples counseling can be a safe place to talk about any changes you feel you want to make so that your communication, in good times and bad, remains open, honest, and secure.

Moving Forward on the Same Page

Building a life together will involve some huge life decisions and future commitments. Before walking down the aisle is the perfect time for you to talk about how your shared life will ask you to be on the same page or require finding common ground.

Important topics to explore can include: how you spend and save money, how you value spending time together and alone, your personal and professional ambitions, your desire for children, your sexual compatibility, your relationship with your own and each other’s family, your spiritual and religious values, your fears, and your expectations, both big and small — everything from where you expect to be living to how you expect to divide up household chores. This is where couples counseling can be fun and exciting — you’ll learn new things, find new connections, and open up channels of communication you never before knew existed.

I’m Afraid I’ll Learn Something I Don’t Like

A normal hesitation about couples counseling is the fear that one or both partners will discover something that could change, or even ruin, the relationship. If both partners approach couples counseling with openness, generosity, and love — not a desire to punish or change each other — new discoveries should feel exciting and intriguing.

Exploring your individual selves and past experiences with a skilled counselor can bring a delight to learning something new about the person you know best and letting them delight in discovering new parts of you. Understanding how to navigate and, even relish, in personal discoveries will bring a lasting gift: when routine sets in, as it does in all marriages, you’ll take heart in knowing something new is always waiting to be discovered if you take the time and commitment to explore it.

Common Ground, Compassion, and Compatibility

Committing to each other means both enjoying the excitement of blending your lives together while also understanding the challenges that lie ahead. Meeting with a couples counselor can be part of building a solid foundation for your future relationship and doing the work of becoming good partners. Couples counseling doesn’t guarantee that problems won’t arise in your relationship. As you move forward together, you’ll inevitably face surprises, disappointments, and hardships. Now is the time to find ways to face them together with intimacy, compassion, and solid strategies. Of course, couples counseling isn’t always about fixing problems. It can also strengthen what’s already working. And who doesn’t want more of a good thing?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/getting-married-couples-counseling-can-help-your-love-last/

Video: Is Being a Mental Illness Advocate My Entire Identity?

Talkback To Gabe Howard & Psych Central:

Using the comments below, talk about a time when you had to explain that while you live with or advocate for mental illness it’s not all you are. Share how you educated the listener to the differences and helped bridge the gap between the misunderstanding and truth.

‘Mental Illness Identity’ Video Transcript

People often ask me if being mentally ill is my entire identity.  And I can see why they kind of think that. I mean, my entire website, my platform, these vlogs, my podcasts… all of these things are designed around one simple thing:  Gabe Howard lives with bipolar disorder.  So people ask me, “Hey, to become an advocate, do I have to sell my entire identity as a person?  Be someone who only lives with mental illness and nothing else?”

No.

I don’t want my entire life to be all mental health advocacy all the time.  That would just be boring, for one thing.  But I think it would be obsessive, and it could be damaging.  We need breaks.

One of the ways that I avoid letting this just consume me entirely is I make sure that I listen to my friends and family.  I go out and do things that aren’t surrounded by the mental health system.  I go to the movies.  I go have dinner.  I have conversations around other things that are of interest to me.  And this helps me because it’s fun.  And, because I’m having fun, that recharges my battery so that I can tackle difficult topics.

Topics like, “Hey, why are we abusing people with mental illness?  Why are we being blamed for all violence in society?  Where do I stand on this political agenda or this legislation?”  All of that takes a lot of time.  So I need to make sure that I have some down time.  It’s important to have hobbies and interests outside of the mental health field.  It’s important to know people that you don’t talk about mental health advocacy with.  And you talk about anything but. Because you need time to regroup.  It’s important.

I think my close friends and family, my circle, understand that I’m so much more than a mental health advocate.  My name is Gabe Howard.  Visit me on the web down there at GabeHoward.com to learn more about me and watch lots of cool things.  I’ll see you next time.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/video-is-being-a-mental-illness-advocate-my-entire-identity/

Existential Despair: A Deeper Cause of Human Anxiety

If every person in the world was temporarily stripped of their daily purpose in life — if they were torn away from their responsibilities and daily routines, like going to work, taking care of children, keeping house, doing laundry — in time there would be global pandemonium.

Most individuals would begin obsessing about all the wrong things and asking unanswerable questions. For example, overthinking life and death — being born from a dark and undefinable void to dying, perhaps unexpectedly, and going back to that same obscure emptiness. Invariably, this kind of weighty musing would lead to the “Who am I?” and “Why are we here?” inquiries which can be intellectual cul de sacs — cognitive dead-ends that lack in utility.

This temporary loss of purpose would create an existential vacuum of anxiety so immense it would make everyone’s head spin. Humans could not handle it. Idle time for the human mind is worse than the devil’s playground. It’s the devil’s penitentiary.

Hence, when you experience this “existential despair,” you are facing your mortal self and the unbearable truth of your finiteness.

That’s why our life’s purpose and the responsibilities of each day, no matter how mundane help us survive. They ground us and prevent us from overthinking our ephemeral, perhaps meaningless existence.

A former patient once told me that in her experience, despite suffering from severe bouts of anxiety and depression, raising her two children forced her to look forward in life. Every graduation she attended, every soccer game, every band practice, every milestone her children achieved, compelled her to be hopeful, not fearful. It made her embrace what was to come. And as you get older, you need that because you are centering on youth instead of your own aging. So for her, mothering was her life purpose at the time. It kept her on track and helped her treat her mental condition.

So if you don’t have focus and structure as you get older, you tend to look backwards at your life more often. Sometimes with regret. You tend to obsess about losses, mistakes and bad choices, etc., with more scrutiny. The existential despair is liable to creep in and make you dissect your past when you have no business doing so.

Self-Absorbed Solipsism

This kind of despair could also inspire a state of solipsism –an obsessed, preoccupation with our own desires, fears and worries to the point of self-absorption. It’s also the unfounded belief that the “self” is the only measure of truth. It’s a misguided, self-indulgent gauge of reality.

As a result, any change that comes your way, any perceived unknown will appear fearful and threatening to you because it’s outside the realm of your tiny, myopic view of yourself and the world. Not having certainty and/or control is unbearable if you are caught up in a solipsistic loop. The ego-centric mind is not always the most open-minded thinker so exiting your comfort zone becomes virtually impossible.

Remember, it’s not the future that scares us, it’s our inability to control it that scares us. Self-absorption also traps us in a neurotic spin of future based thinking, which instigates a great deal of anxiety. Future-based thinking is a dangerous land-mine that gives rise to chronic fear because as we know there are no guarantees to anything.

Solipsistic self-absorption will also make you a little pompous. Suddenly you think that out of the 7.5 billion people in the world, your problems are more magnified and therefore, other people spend a great deal of time judging you from afar.  Or that you are terminally unique and no one else suffers as much as you do. Or that the almighty has singled you out and personally chosen to conspire against you by making your life miserable. Well, guess what? We are NOT that important. Period.

So, lack of purpose and daily structure can be mentally hazardous. Lack of purpose means your mind is not adequately stimulated or challenged.

A few months ago, I took a hike on my own in the Santa Monica Mountains in West Los Angeles. I was feeling unusually lonesome. I was even feeling a little sorry for myself. Nonetheless, when I reached the peak of the loop trail and looked down at the vast beauty below me, a switch went off in my head. I teared up and felt a modicum of despair as I stood in quiet isolation. I hated the feeling. It was heavy and sorrowful.

Suddenly, I was over-magnifying every worry in my life from the basic fear of aging to whether or not I remembered to turn off the AC at home before leaving for work. It felt like my insides were being gouged out by a new brand of human desperation. It gnawed at me all day. I was out of sorts and disoriented by the consciousness shift.

And yet, it had a comical element. Violins and cellos swirled in the background giving rise to one big manipulative wallow of cheesiness. Kidding aside, it made me stop for a moment. I, myself, was confronted with the very same limitations of my short existence.

Then last week, I tore a calf muscle in my right leg playing tennis. I was forced to cancel all my patient appointments for a few days. I wore an orthopedic boot and hobbled on crutches to get around the house. With my daily purpose and routine temporarily gone, by the third day, I felt the despair again. It was just me and my peg-leg. However, it did compel me to write this article.

10 Tips to avoid existential despair:

1. Find a life purpose. WHATEVER that may be. It doesn’t have to be a high-minded, virtuous one. Something you enjoy doing for yourself or others. Dive into it with supreme tenacity and eagerness. If you don’t like your current job, keep looking for other avenues of employment. Be open to new careers and projects that fill your spirit with excitement. Maybe you are in the wrong line of work.
2. Do NOT allow your days to be filled with extensive idle time. Structure your days wisely. Mental stimulation is vital to a healthy mind. Life doesn’t have a remote control. Change the channel yourself. No couch potatoes.
3. Focus on things in your life that you CAN make a difference in on a daily basis like, your marriage/partnership, kids, your extended family, your job, your responsibilities, staying healthy, etc.
4. Set goals for yourself on a daily basis. Make sure you have a new challenge every day. It’s healthy to occasionally tussle with a conflict you may have been avoiding for years. It’s also healthy to try new things that may feel scary to you.
5. Stop looking for guarantees in life. It’s ok to live with some uncertainty about the future.
6. Stop procrastinating. Take action. Make daily decisions and choices in your life and learn to accept those decisions.
7. Do not isolate. Make an effort to connect with other human beings at least one time per day. Unless you are a monk, remember that humans do not do well alone. Socialize, interface, open up a conversation with someone, anyone. Offer a kind word or a smile.
8. Avoid universal, big-ticket questions that have no immediate answers. It’s not your job to figure out the secrets of the universe. Stay in the inquiry, but, learn to live with the unknowns that you don’t need to understand today.
9. Remind yourself: I am not a victim. I am not the product of my life’s circumstances. I cannot change the world, but I can change my response to it.
10. Don’t make everything that happens to you a commentary about your life. It’s not always about you. You are NOT that significant in the grand scheme of life. Live with that.

Lastly, philosopher Jean Paul Sartre, one of the founding fathers of the Existentialist movement said:

“Life is nothing until it is lived. It is we who give it meaning, and value is nothing more than the meaning we give it.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/existential-despair-a-deeper-cause-of-human-anxiety/

Failed Your New Year’s Resolutions? 6 Easy Tips to Get Back on Track Fast

With all of your good-intentioned resolutions in place, you might have already reneged. If so, don’t sweat it! Chances are if you follow the mind and body tips below, you will be able to think more clearly, be more focused, feel less stressed, more grateful, and energized too! These are tips that anyone anywhere can do, and the wonderful thing is that they take very little time to incorporate into your life. The payoff will be huge, as you will see positive changes happening in your life very quickly, making you feel better and healthier overall .

1. Gentle Stretching

Since it very easy to get overwhelmed by emotional and physical stress before you even get out of bed in the morning, there is no better time to engage in a little gentle stretching. Do a full body stretch for 5 minutes or less everyday before getting out of bed. Your muscles were stiff from sleeping, so doing these simple stretches provides more blood flow to your body. Think neck, torso, shoulders, and toes.

These stretches should never hurt, so do not push through a stretch if you feel pain. Stretches should sooth, and gently wake up the body.

2. Cultivate Compassion 

Research shows its very hard to cultivate compassion when we are involved in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Compassion can at times feel forced, like a chore. The good part is that we can actually work to strengthen our ability to show compassion through meditation. And, even better, research shows positive stress-reducing benefits from practicing compassion meditation. In fact, a Stanford study found that it not only lowers our stress response, it lowers our own pain response, helping people with chronic pain and inflammation find relief.

To practice a quick and easy compassion meditation, simply close your eyes and imagine someone you think could use some compassion. Focus on an image of them and slowly repeat these three phrases in your mind, directed toward them, three times: “I wish you peace, love, good health, happiness, and fulfillment.” If you prefer to be silent, you can continue closing your eyes, and just think good thoughts about the person, sending good energy their way.

3. Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate 

Considering that our bodies are mostly water, most of us are intellectually aware of the vital importance of hydration. But not everyone realizes that the health benefits of hydration actually extend to stress relief. Being even just a little dehydrated can increase our body’s levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, leading to feelings of anxiety, cloudiness, exhaustion and overall irritability. As we run around from place to place feeling frazzled, we forget to drink as much water as we normally would. Forget about how much water to drink depending on your weight. Just drink enough water so your urine is a pale-yellow color.

4. Actively Practice Gratitude 

Sometimes saying a mere thank you is the hardest, humbling thing to express. Research shows that expressing consistent gratitude has many health and wellness benefits, including boosting energy and our immune system, improving mood/feelings of positivity, fighting depression and strengthening relationships. For example, couples who express gratitude on a day-to-day basis have stronger relationships, and feel more satisfied with their lives and research backs this up. Gratitude also extends to all relationships out there including sibling/parental/friendship circles. Find the good in someone else and become a better person.

5. Learn How to Breathe Better

When we are anxious about something, or when we are ruminating about something in our minds our heart rate increases, our pupils dilate, and our breath becomes shallower. When we are stressed, it literally plucks us out of the present moment, and into concerns/thoughts about the future which hasn’t happened yet, or the past, which we cannot do anything about or change. That’s why deep breathing is one of the best, most simple stress busting techniques out there that doesn’t cost a dime.

Our breath is always happening in the present moment. By connecting with it, we can bring our minds back into the present, the here and now — what really counts. All it takes is 90 seconds of long, deep breaths to elicit a relaxation response from our parasympathetic nervous system, inhibiting stress hormone production, lowering our heart rate and decreasing our blood pressure.

6. Exercise for Stress Relief 

Our self-care routine is usually the first thing we give up in order to accommodate others. By putting ourselves on the backburner, it is difficult for our bodies and minds to overcome any stressors that may come our way. The good news is that you can take a less-is-more approach and fit in just a few minutes of stress-relieving exercises at home that will make a big difference in helping you manage all sorts of pressures. If yoga is your thing, take just two minutes to practice a restorative yoga pose by lying on the floor with your legs up on a pillow, on a chair or straight up on the wall.

If you’d rather be more physically active in your stress relief strategies(s), try blowing off some steam with some high-intensity interval training sessions. You can do jumping jacks, jumping ropes, pushups, whatever feels best for you in under 10 minutes. Most have us can spare these 10 minutes a few days a week. Ultimately, it is a matter of personal preference which always falls in the subjective domain. Maybe you can’t stand the feeling of doing high intensity, but love the way you feel after a quick restorative yoga session. Perhaps meditation isn’t your thing, but you find that keeping a gratitude journal works best for you.

Determine the ways that help you relieve stress, and be consistent in your proactive use of them. Sometimes it just takes time and patience to see what works and doesn’t work for you. If you do that, you’ll have a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/failed-your-new-years-resolutions-6-easy-tips-to-get-back-on-track-fast/

Why Ultimatums Are Actually Destructive to Your Relationship

We often praise people who give ultimatums, who say things like “By such and such date, if I don’t have a ring, this relationship is over.” Or “I want ______, and if you’re not willing to give that to me, then I’m done.”

After all, they’re just standing up for their beliefs and needs. They’re just standing up for their happiness. They’re being strong and self-assured. We think Wow, they know what they want, and they’re not afraid to ask or even fight for it. We see this as admirable.

Or we give friends advice to give ultimatums. We say, You need to tell them they better do X or Y, or you’re not going to put up with that. They better come home earlier. They better stop nagging you. They better start calling more. They better get a job. Or else, you won’t come home either. Or else you’ll leave. Or else you’ll get a divorce. Or else….

But ultimatums are actually destructive to relationships. For starters, “an ultimatum is a demand,” which is expressed as a deal breaker, said Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in working with couples in New York City.

It’s essentially a threat with consequences, said Kathy Nickerson, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships in Orange County, Calif. An ultimatum is usually drastic and all or nothing. Nickerson shared these examples: “Stop drinking or I am going to make sure you never see the kids again.” “Marry me or I will find someone who will.” “Have sex with me more often or I am going to start cheating.”

Ultimatums are destructive because they make your partner feel pressured and trapped, and force them to take action, she said. “Generally, we don’t want to force people to do anything, because they’ll do it, and it won’t be genuine, and resentment will form….[I]t’s hard to feel loving towards someone who is making threats or demands.”

Plus, “By forcing your partner’s hand, you are raising the tension level even higher in a situation that presents an important opportunity to nurture mutual understanding and trust,” Fitzpatrick said. “And if you win, it’s not a win for the relationship.”

We glorify ultimatums because we confuse them with being assertive and standing up for our needs. But an ultimatum is not the same as a request for your need to be met. The difference, Fitzpatrick said, lies in how you express it. For instance, “If you want to commit to a monogamous relationship and your partner doesn’t or isn’t ready, then you can make it clear that you yourself have limits and desires and you need to pay attention to them.”

Instead of issuing ultimatums, Fitzpatrick and Nickerson stressed the importance of having open, sincere, vulnerable, respectful, calm conversations, which focus on understanding each other. Each partner shares their perspective, and explains where they’re coming up.

For instance, according to Nickerson, if you’re the partner who needs to have more physical intimacy, you say: “Honey, I really want to talk about our intimacy and what sex means to me. I only truly feel close to you when we’re physically connected and physical touch is how I feel loved. I know you feel loved when I say nice things and help around the house, so we’re different in this way. What can we do, or what would you be willing to try, so we can have a little more intimate time together?”

Fitzpatrick suggested doing an exercise from John Gottman called “dreams within conflict.” One partner is the dreamer, and the other is the dreamcatcher. The dreamer candidly shares their thoughts and feelings about the issue. The dreamcatcher listens intently without disagreeing or debating. They ask questions to make sure they understand what their partner is saying. Then they switch roles.

Fitzpatrick shared this example: Instead of saying, “I need a ring by my birthday or I’m done,” you say: “I’ve been focused on my career for a long time, and my priorities have shifted. I enjoy living with you but I want a marriage and family. I love you and hope you can be my life partner. I want us to build something together.”

Your partner, the dreamcatcher, asks clarifying questions, such as: “Does this relate to your background in some way?” “Is there a fear in not having this dream realized?”

When you switch roles, your partner might say they’re hesitant about an engagement because: “My parents have been married for 40 years and I want my marriage to last like that,” or “My parents’ divorce was so hard for me and my brother. I don’t want to do that to my kids.” You, as the dreamcatcher, then ask: “Are there memories that stand out as especially painful from your parents’ divorce?” or “What are all your feelings about this?”

In other words, Fitzpatrick noted, “The idea is to explore the underlying meaning and feelings in order to build mutual understanding and empathy.”

Depending on the issue, you also might devise a game plan and deadlines (which include following through), Nickerson said. For instance, for the drinking scenario, you say: ” I am really concerned about your drinking and how it is affecting your relationship with the kids. Let’s talk about it…” After some discussion, you say: “OK, so we both agree that this is a challenge. Let’s make a plan with some goals and deadlines. I can be at peace with your working on this if you start attending AA every week by March 1st.”

If you’re at an impasse, Nickerson suggested seeing a therapist. It’s also important to do some self-reflection. For instance, if your partner still doesn’t want to get married, ask yourself: “Do I really need to get married? Does it really have to be my way? Am I OK with letting this person go if they will not marry me?”

“If the answer to all of those is yes, that go ahead and give the ultimatum…. or just let them go,” Nickerson said. Of course, this is so much easier said than done. But, again, this is something you can work on in therapy.

Ultimately, ultimatums aren’t healthy for relationships. As Nickerson noted, “I haven’t seen a lot of ultimatums go well, where there’s no resentment by one party and no lingering doubts by the other.”

Ultimately, honest, supportive, curiosity-driven communication is key. “Love your partner enough to not give them ultimatums. Talk to them, work with them.” Even though it can be painful, conflict offers couples an opportunity to grow and even strengthen their connection.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-ultimatums-are-actually-destructive-to-your-relationship/

Best of Our Blogs: January 30, 2018

Most of us want the clean house just like we desire the perfect life or at least happy one. But we also want to get there without dealing with the mess.

Just like we can’t wiggle our nose and wave a magic wand to straighten up our homes, we can’t simply will away our problems.

To access all the complexity of our emotions, we’ve got to tackle the mess. It’s our traumatic pasts. It’s the mistakes we made. It’s the lost of our past and fear of our future.

Fortunately, when we do the work, we also get the benefit of everything we’ve always wanted in life. As you’ll read this week, doing your own early “spring cleaning,” will give you a chance to finally have healthy relationships, experience a myriad of emotions and make conscious decisions for the betterment of your children.

The Difference Between Honoring an Emotion and Indulging It
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – It’s the four skills you didn’t learn that will change the way you experience difficult emotions.

Narcissistic Brainwashing: How Larry Nassar Thinks
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – If you’ve recently woken from the brain fog of narcissism, you’ll recognize yourself in the victims of Larry Nassar and the Turpins.

The Confusing Narcissistic Cycle of Abandonment and Return
(The Exhausted Woman) – It’s the emotional draining and toxic cycle you’ll find yourself in if you get involved with a narcissist.

What to expect after leaving your narcissist and going “no contact”
(The Recovery Expert) – Ending your relationship with a narcissist? You’ll need this.

The Tragic Myth about ADHD
(Psychoanalysis Now) – Read the shocking truth about ADHD that most parents don’t realize.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-january-30-2018/

How to Cope with a Scary Medical or Mental Health Diagnosis

Most of us are sanguine about the fact that some things are out of our control. We know, for example, that we can’t avoid death or taxes or do much about how tall we’ll grow. For much of everything else, we figure out a way to deal with what happens in life — until we can’t, for one reason or another. A prime example is the emotional upheaval caused by receiving an unexpected and scary medical or mental health diagnosis. Having gone through this myself recently, here are some ways to help you cope.

Get all the facts.

After the initial shock, take a few deep breaths and resolve to learn as much as you can about the condition, issue or disorder you’ve just been diagnosed with. Ask about available evidence-based treatments, success rates for cure/remission, resources you can check to gain a better understanding of the scope of the problem, how long treatment or procedure may take, recovery time, alternative treatment methods, whether a change in behavior or lifestyle will help speed healing and whatever else comes to mind. Since you need time to absorb the fact that you’ve just been diagnosed with something like skin cancer or atrial fibrillation (both of which, by the way, I found out I had), give yourself time to come up with other specific questions you want your healthcare provider or doctor to answer. Keep careful notes of everything the doctor tells you and get copies of all test results, scans and X-rays, physician’s notes, medications prescribed, and so on.

Go online and check trusted websites to learn the latest research, treatments, techniques.

While you likely have faith in your physician to give you the straight facts, there may be more information that the doctor either doesn’t have time to give you or may not be aware of. To help ease your anxiety and provide a measure of self-assurance that you’re as knowledgeable as you can be at present about your condition, check out such trusted websites as the American Heart Association, the American Cancer Society, WebMD, the National Institutes of Health, MedlinePlus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and other sites that are pertinent to your disease or condition. There may be clinical trials that might be appropriate and that you qualify for, or you may learn about recent FDA-approved medications, devices or treatments that you can discuss with your treating physician or healthcare provider.

Talk with your loved ones and family members and ask for their support.

Remember that your illness, disease or condition affects more than just you. Everyone in your family is likely to be affected and need to know what’s going on so they can support your path to healing. The more people you have encouraging your recovery, the more you can feel good about moving forward to get the treatment you require. While you may be afraid that this news will alienate or frighten them, the truth is that you need the support and love of those closest to you to effectively cope with this unsettling experience. If your condition or diagnosis is life-threatening, even more reason to engage your immediate family and loved ones in your healing journey.

Consider counseling.

Learning that you have a diagnosable mental health disorder is often a primary reason for seeking professional counseling. Yet, anxiety and depression are frequently experienced by those who’ve just been told by their doctor that they have a specific disease, illness, medical or mental health condition. Counseling can benefit anyone who needs help learning to cope with a short-term, acute, chronic or life-threatening diagnosis. Your doctor should be able to give you a referral or recommendations for psychological counseling or point you to resources where you can find a therapist.

Find a support group.

Another extremely beneficial way to cope with a scary medical or mental health diagnosis is to find a support group in your area that focuses on helping individuals with similar issues. Two excellent resources for gathering information and finding local support groups are the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Mental Health America (MHA).

Adopt a positive attitude and maintain a proactive outlook.

The speed at which you heal from or overcome a medical or mental health diagnoses has much to do with your perceptions and outlook. If you see only negativity in your future, you may be embarking on a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look at the facts objectively and determine what you’ve got going for you. For example, if your condition was caught early, there’s a better chance of successfully treating it before it causes permanent damage or escalating consequences to your quality of life and living situation. While it’s true that some people just seem to deteriorate after learning they have an incurable disease or one that’s gone undetected for too long, even though they’re courageous and hopeful about their remaining days, it’s also true that a positive attitude and refusing to give up has extended the life of many, in addition to adding immeasurably to the quality of that life.

Become a champion in your healing process.

Above all, refuse to allow yourself to become a victim – of circumstances, genetics, bad timing, poor choices. You must be an active participant in your healing, not a passive bystander who cannot affect the outcome. What happens to you after you get that scary diagnosis depends, in large part, to the actions you take going forward. This means that you follow your doctor’s orders, take all medications as prescribed, refrain from unhealthy and potentially addictive coping measures such as using alcohol and drugs (especially together). Also, while the occasional glass of wine may be relaxing, be aware that certain medications, even over-the-counter medications commonly used for cough, cold and flu, negatively interact with alcohol and prescription medications you may need to take. Find out from your doctor when you can be more aggressive in activities like walking outdoors, going to the gym, resuming lifestyle hobbies and pursuits. After all, if these make you feel better and get you back to more of a normal routine, they’re helpful to your recovery. Also try meditation, proven to help in overcoming many of life’s challenges.

In short, be smart, positive, hopeful and active. Remember, you can get through this.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-cope-with-a-scary-medical-or-mental-health-diagnosis/

Breaking the Link Between Low Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage

Low self-esteem can turn our lives into a series of self-fulfilling prophecies. Lack of belief in ourselves — the feeling that we are unworthy, or destined to fail — often goes hand in hand with self-sabotage, and this link can be hard to break.

Whether it’s thinking that we’re bound to be bad at something and not trying our best, believing that no one could truly love us so pushing our partners away, or accepting bad treatment simply because a small part of ourselves thinks that we deserve it; low self-esteem can color our whole lives. And in a vicious cycle, the reality which is the result of these actions can confirm our own worst fears about ourselves.

It can also create a strange sense of satisfaction, one that those with low self-esteem cling on to. It might be the twisted vindication of “There! I knew they never really loved me!” when a partner finally leaves, or the sense of inevitability that comes with not getting recognition at work — even though we never have the confidence to assert ourselves.

Our ideas are never challenged, and our self-perception doesn’t need to go through the often painful process of change. Instead, we can sit inside a “comfort zone” (although, of course, it’s actually pretty unpleasant) of never trying because we believe it would all go wrong anyway.

Low self-esteem is often a big issue for the people looking for help at my meditation center, and is often the source of other problems in their lives. So how do we break the link between low self-esteem and self-sabotage?

Recognize Self-Sabotage in Inaction

This is something so many people do. Instead of actively engaging in life, low self-esteem pushes people to stand slightly apart from it, letting events go by without effort or intervention.

This behavior doesn’t involve anything obviously self-sabotaging, such as going out drinking the night before a big interview, or constantly picking fights with their partner.

It might be a dream job coming up. Without even realizing it, people with low confidence can find themselves creating reasons to delay applying, waiting and waiting until the opportunity passes them by. Or perhaps it’s a disagreement with a good friend. Rather than taking the initiative and sorting this disagreement out, it’s ignored and allowed to fester, ultimately leading to distance in the relationship.

Self-sabotage doesn’t have to be active, and it’s important to recognize the behaviors which are holding us back, whatever form they may take.

Keep a Diary in Order to Become More Aware

Keeping track of how we fill our time, the way we feel and our motivations behind our behavior can really increase our self-awareness. The problem with low self-worth is that it can feel like such an unshakable certainty in our lives that we don’t even realize how it’s affecting us, and how our decisions reflect our belief in ourselves.

Low self-esteem could be driving behavior we don’t even recognize as negative. For example, we might constantly defer to an overbearing person in our lives, even if it makes us less happy than we would otherwise be. What we see as keeping the peace, or being more laid-back, might actually be us habitually acting against our own self-interest.

It can take close introspection to realize things like this, which is why keeping a diary — whether it takes the form of a stream of consciousness or dry documentation of what we’ve done that day and why — can be so helpful.

Take Up Habits that Boost Your Confidence

I would recommend meditation in order to increase present-moment awareness (which helps people become aware of their emotional triggers), lessen stress and build confidence. But other actions can help too, and the most important thing is taking the (admittedly difficult) first step of proving ourselves wrong.

Sometimes, when we have a sincere belief in our own lack of skill or likability, making a concerted effort to put ourselves out there is the best thing we can do — no matter how initially uncomfortable it is. Remind yourself that everything, from talking to strangers to knitting a jumper, takes practice, and that no one is truly good at anything on their very first go.

The myth of the power of innate talent holds many of us back. Even the most naturally gifted person has to spend hours honing their craft, which is why people who might be hilarious to their friends can often bomb when they first try stand up comedy. It’s perseverance that eventually has them reducing a whole crowd to giggles.

Overcoming initial self-doubt allows us to put in the time necessary to build confidence-boosting habits. It’s a vital part of moving away from sabotaging behavior, and will help us go into the future filled with a self-belief that could change our lives.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/breaking-the-link-between-low-self-esteem-and-self-sabotage/

Responding to Grief and Coping with Loss: You Can Survive Your Greatest Fears

I wrote Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death, and Surviving because I was angry. Angry that so many of the bereaved clients that came through my door, were suffering more than necessary because they felt they should have been coping better, feared they were going mad. They had no idea this is normal in grief. And they didn’t know how to help themselves. I want Grief Works to change that ignorance into knowledge and thereby confidence.

I learned this lesson in my childhood, both of my parents had experienced significant losses: my mother’s mother, father, sister and brother were all dead by the time she was 25 — my father’s father and brother were dead by his mid twenties — and they never spoke about them. I saw black and white photographs of these people around the house, but they were like ghosts in a frame, I knew nothing about them. They believed that what you don’t talk about won’t hurt you. Forget and move on. Yet the pain they felt beneath their silence remained untouched throughout their lives. When my mother told me about the death of her brother at Arnhem, during the war, she spoke as the 17-year-old sister whose grief was absolutely raw.

Death is the last great taboo, and its consequence, grief, is profoundly misunderstood. We seem happy to talk about sex, or failure, or expose our deepest vulnerabilities, but on death we are silent. It is too frightening, even alien, for many of us, to find the words to voice it. That silence leads to ignorance, which means we often don’t know how to respond to grief in others, let alone ourselves. We prefer it when the bereaved don’t show their distress, and we say how “amazing” they are when they are being “so strong.” But the fact is death happens and grief hurts. Despite the language we use to try and deny death — “passed over”, “lost”, “gone to a better place” — it is a harsh truth that as a society we are pretty ill-equipped to respond to it. The lack of control and powerlessness that we are forced to contend with, counters our 21st century belief that technology or medicine can fix us, or if it can’t, our determination can.

Every day thousands of people die, expectedly and unexpectedly. There are 2,626,418 deaths a year in the USA. On average every, death affects at least five people. That means millions of people will be faced with the shock of the news. They will forever remember where they were standing when they heard their parent, their sibling, their friend or their child is dying or has died. It will impact their relationship with themselves, and with every aspect of their world, for the rest of their life. How they manage that process, will inevitably affect the people around them.  

For the grief we feel is invisible. It is an invisible wound that is greater or smaller depending on how much we loved the person who has died. It may be that we are grieving a sudden death, or an anticipated death. Either way the sky we look up at is the same sky as before the death, but we look in the mirror and we don’t see the same person. We look at a photograph of ourselves, and wonder at the innocence of that smile, and see a different face from the one we see now. But some of the people around us, don’t understand the complexity of what has happened, or the depth of the hidden injury we are carrying. Death is the great exposer. It forces into the open hidden fault lines, submerged secrets, and reveals to us how crucial those closest to us are.  

I have regularly seen that it is not the pain of grief that damages individuals and whole families, even through many generations; but it is the things we do to avoid the pain, which inflicts the most harm. Dealing with pain requires work on many different levels — physical and psychological. It is not possible to do that on our own. Love from others is key to helping us survive the love we have lost. With their support, we can endeavor to find a way of bearing the pain and living without the person who has died and dare to trust in life again.  

In my profession there is a body of well researched practical facts as well as psychological understandings that are essential for anyone who is grieving. As a therapist I have witnessed how this knowledge can help protect those who are bereaved, suffering worse consequences, through inappropriate support. Research studies show that at the root of 15% of all psychiatric referrals, is unresolved grief. But this information is not out in the world and I want this book to change that. There is so much fear that surrounds death and grief, largely caused by ignorance and lack of knowledge, and I want to replace that fear with confidence. I want people to understand that grief is a process that has to be worked through; whatever the circumstance, whoever they are, to protect them from a bad event having even worse consequences, due to ignorance. But, as I’ve said, that information is not out in the world and I want this book to change that.

Peoples’ resistance and thereby lack of knowledge about death and dying is understandable because it is fueled by fear, I would like to replace that fear with confidence. Experience has taught me that grief is work, extremely hard work, but if we do the work it works for us, the natural process of grieving can be supported to enable us to both heal, function effectively in our lives, and help us to find a way to rebuild our life. I hope that this book will illuminate what that work entails.  

When love dies, it is only the love of others that can help us. This book shows how that love works.

 

© Julia Samuel, author of Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving (Scribner)

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/responding-to-grief-and-coping-with-loss/

Intuitive Painting: A Dialogue With Your Heart

Intuitive painting often starts with a question that can't be answered in words. In the dance of form and colour, the sensual enjoyment of the paint, the excitement of not knowing what is coming next and sometimes just making a mess, some kind of an answer always comes.

Tags: creativity, mindful awareness, therapy

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life https://counsellingresource.com/features/2018/01/29/intuitive-painting/

5 Ways to Cope with Addiction as a Family

Addiction is a family issue and needs to be treated as such.

Nowadays, the unfortunate reality is that many of us have been affected in some way by addiction.

We personally may not be the person suffering from the addiction but odds are there is someone in your family or circle of friends who are either currently addicted or working on a program of recovery. The latest opioid crisis has brought addiction to the spotlight, but addiction as a problem has been around for decades.

The Most Overlooked Symptom of Addiction

More and more families are affected by addiction and are seeking ways to cope with a situation that places any family in a crisis mode. Even the healthiest of families find their world turned upside down when needing to deal with a family member suffering from addiction.

I have worked in the addiction field for a couple decades and have seen the positive outcomes of recovery and have witnessed how families have gone from their lowest points to becoming healthy and whole. I am not saying this is easy, but I am saying it is possible.

Before I get into discussing the impact that addiction has on a family and what the family can do to cope with the addiction, I would like to offer a definition of addiction.

Addiction is referred to as a chronic disease characterized by drug seeking and use that is compulsive, or difficult to control, despite harmful consequences. Yes, addiction is classified as a disease, not unlike any other medical disease.

Unfortunately, many in our society continue to view addiction as a moral failing and a choice rather than the chronic disease that it is. If you are unsure that addiction is a disease please check medical websites as they will show you why and how the medical profession views addiction as a disease.

What we mean when we say that addiction is chronic, is that addiction runs in families and is passed on from generation to generation. Not unlike chronic heart disease or diabetes, chronic addiction is treatable yet not curable.

A person diagnosed with an addiction does not have to suffer daily from that addiction but must daily treat the addiction.

I like to refer to addiction as a “family disease” since the family unit is greatly impacted by an individual member’s active illness.

As the disease of addiction progresses and the person with the disease begins to change their behavior, attitudes, and how they deal with the family, the family unit changes their behaviors and thoughts in order to cope with the changes of the person with addiction.

When the person with the addiction enters recovery, meaning they are no longer actively using, their behaviors and thoughts will return to a more healthy view of life. But, if the family has not made any changes then the family unit remains unhealthy as they continue to view the person in recovery as if they were still using.

Therefore, it’s important to treat the person with the addiction as well as to treat the family as a whole. Not that it’s the fault of the family, but rather it’s to help the family learn healthy coping skills.

If a family member were diagnosed with chronic cancer, the family as a whole would be greatly impacted and would change how they view the person with cancer. Helping that family cope with the member suffering from cancer is no different than helping a family cope with a person suffering from an addiction.

So, what can a family do to cope with the crisis and upheaval in their lives as they experience the active addiction of one of their members? Let me first start with a few important “don’ts” on how to cope with addiction for a family to consider:

Don’t Blame Yourself!

Although this is a natural response to the crisis, blaming oneself does not offer a solution but only spirals you into a depression or a “pity party”. The reality is that you did not cause your family member to use regardless of what they may tell you while in the midst of their active addiction.

Even if we were to admit it was your fault, the act of blaming yourself still does not give us a workable solution to cope with or solve the problem. It’s important to remind yourself that this is not your fault and you are not to blame!

Don’t Stop Living Your Life.

As difficult as this may be, don’t live your life solely for the person with the addiction. Instead, continue, as much as possible, to live your life as you have been.

Don’t Enable.

This is very difficult but essential to helping the person with the addiction to move toward recovery. Enabling takes many forms but generally speaking, anything you do which ultimately helps the person to continue with their addictive behaviors is enabling.

In most cases, family members don’t enable out of a desire to continue the addiction, but rather they make choices, out of love, but which end up enabling instead of helping.

5 Ways To Help Your Marriage Survive Your Child’s Drug Addiction

Let’s now look at a few tips that a family can do to cope when addiction runs in the family:

1. Focus on Self-Care.

The first thing I always recommend families do is to take care of themselves. Coping with a family member who is suffering from addiction is quite taxing and drains family resources. It’s important to do things which have nothing to do with the coping of the person with the addiction.

If the family member is outside of the house, then the rest of the family needs to take time to do things on their own to maintain their family bonds. If the person suffering from the addiction lives in the household, it is important to have family time either with or without that person but not talking about the addiction.

Don’t allow the disease of addiction suffered by one person bring down the entire family.

2. Educate Yourself About Addiction.

The more you know the more you will understand what your loved one is going through and how best you can help them. Understanding that it is not your job to change them, but as a family, it is your responsibility to guide and support them to the best of your ability.

As I mentioned above, you are not to blame for the situation and so it is not your full responsibility to “fix” the situation.

3. Seek a Professional.

One way to help with family self-care and education is to seek family or individual counseling or to find support groups. Groups such as Al-Anon are made up of members who are also doing their best to cope with the active addiction of a loved one.

I know it’s difficult to seek help, but if the family falls apart, how will the family ever be able to help the person with the addiction? Seeking outside help will, in the end, teach healthy coping methods which will bring the family closer together.

4. Keep Your Expectations Realistic.

Managing expectations will keep you grounded and remove some of your stress and anxiety. Many of us feel anxious or stressed when outcomes don’t match up with our expectations. Keeping our expectations based on reality will help us feel some inner peace.

For example, a reasonable expectation is that the person suffering from the addiction seeks help, whereas an unreasonable expectation is that the person will become cured just because you told them to stop using. If recovery were as simple as being told to stop doing what they’re doing they would have done that at the beginning.

5. Remember That Addiction Is a Disease.

Continually remind yourself and the rest of the family that addiction is a disease and not a moral failing to be judged. The longer you feel that it is a moral failing, the more frustrated you will become when your loved one continues their use.

Reminding yourself that they are suffering from a disease will reduce some of your frustration as you realize that your family member is not necessarily being obstinate but that they need proper medical care to treat the illness from which they suffer.

Not only does the person with the active addiction suffer from the consequences of their disease but so do their loved ones and family members. The disease of addiction is a family disease, so treating it as such will help all members of the family cope in a healthy way with the crisis placed upon them.

Never give up hope! I have witnessed many families come out the other end of addiction closer and healthier than they were prior to the crisis. Seek help for your loved one, but just as importantly seek help for the family.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Realistic Ways To Cope When Addiction Strikes Your Family.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways-to-cope-with-addiction-as-a-family/

Improv Is My Therapy: Why You Need to Add Comedy to Your Day

Your mental health depends on it.

Every other Friday at 7 p.m. I set aside two hours to work through my thoughts. Every Sunday at four, I stop what I’m doing and actually express how I feel. Occasionally on a Saturday, I go out of my way just for the release.

If you didn’t know what I was talking about, you might just think this schedule carries the regularity of some pretty intense therapy. Because that’s exactly what it is, in the best of ways.

As a college grad with too much time and too little to do, I stumbled into an improv comedy theater in the heart of downtown Denver. The perfectionistic, anxious woman in me said, “Stop! Do not step on stage. Do not open your mouth. Do not go back.” The curious voice wanting to try again and play some more won the battle. I kept going back.

And I’m still going, and taking home valuable life lessons every single day:

1. You can only move forward by taking the next step.

In improv comedy, this concept is called “Yes, and.” When a scene partner offers a banana you didn’t expect, you emphatically say, “Yes and… let me feed it to the monkey on my back.” When three team members huddle onstage, you decide, “Yes and… we’re in the NBA Championship!”

We have no control over the cards we are handed on stage or in life. But we have control over our reactions. We have the choice to come to a standstill in front of an obstacle and refuse to accept what we see OR accept what is before us and take a step to move our situation forward. Imagine being handed the banana, and shouting, “No! It’s not a banana. It’s a ukulele.” The entire exchange would come to a sudden halt. Through acceptance, though, by grabbing hold of the banana and exploring our options for what to do next, we gain freedom from the “stuck place” in which so many of us land.  

2. The next step might seem scary. That’s okay!

What keeps us from making a change in life? Well, so much! But one of those obstacles is fear. We’re afraid of what we are about to lose. We’re afraid we won’t be able to keep up with what this new future brings. Our minds jump to future-thinking, and fear gets in the way of any growth we can be making in this very moment.

But I didn’t always know this. Not until I jumped on an improv stage and played short of hilarity. In order to take our scenes to the next level, I had to be willing to put myself out there. I had to make a change in the dynamics between characters and risk, to be frank, looking like a fool. That sort of a change, in public, was terrifying.

So I announced it to the audience — as my character, of course. I said, “Wow, I’m afraid,” then jumped straight into that fear. Whatever happened next, I had learned a valuable lesson: acknowledge your fear and move on! It’s quite okay to be afraid, but it’s just stagnant and unproductive to let fear get in your way.

3. Invest in your voice. It’s the greatest gift you have.

Mom always told us we were special, but who really believes that with a pile of student debt and but a dollar on a Charlie Card? Somewhere along the way, we learn that sure, we are special, but only as special as the person next to us. And somehow, that thought is twisted in our minds to seem negative.

Except, imagine an improv team with only one person. It can be done, but I sure would miss the other gal in that duo. Imagine a scene improvised with only the ideas of a single mind; it would all be too predictable. The magic happens when we share ideas and let differences coalesce. And the only way to access those differences is to nurture our incredibly special, individual voices, and to appreciate the voices of those around us.

4. If you’re angry, let it out. If you’re hiding, let your vulnerability out.

Improv scenes attract conflict. I haven’t yelled so much as when I am on the stage. It’s just … easy. We all know anger. We feel powerful with anger. We are too heated in anger to feel anything else. DING! DING! DING! And that’s the problem.

Anger out of true, deep frustration is absolutely beautiful. But more often than not, anger becomes a defense mechanism against vulnerability. What if you let out your sadness instead, or perhaps your surprise? The emotions would be raw. The volume quieted until every word you said was heard. YOU WOULD BE HEARD.

Read number 2 again, then give it a try. Vulnerability is beautiful.

The reality is, laughter heals. Improv empowers us. Comedy restores our voice and soon enough, our confidence. There are many goals to therapy, one of which includes achieving a healthier, happier, more productive life. There’s only core one goal in improv — have fun. But between you and me, improv just hasn’t yet realized that it is therapy.

What’s your therapy? Let us know, and join the discussion.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/improv-is-my-therapy-why-you-need-to-add-comedy-to-your-day/

When Therapy Changes a Life

There are many forms of art that can be used in therapy. Finger painting is one of the mediums that is fun and entertaining as clients explore their emotions through paint. While art does not always require a prompt, it can often serve as a means for helping client’s see their progress in therapy.

One theme that can be used is before and after. Clients are asked to paint a picture of what their anxiety felt like before they began therapy. Most often they are experiencing a lot of distress. They often feel like something is wrong with them. They feel shame and/or embarrassment that they are unable to handle life’s challenges. They are struggling with anxious thoughts that do not make sense to them no matter how hard they try to organize it in their mind. Art allows clients to externalize their experience.

The artwork displayed in this article is an example of a client that came to therapy struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Clients who struggle with OCD find themselves obsessing over intrusive, unwanted thoughts. The more they obsess over their thoughts, the more anxiety they feel. To decrease their anxiety, clients with OCD will perform compulsive behaviors. This mental process has often been described like a hamster on a hamster wheel. There is no end to the wheel; it just goes around and around. Exhausting!

This client was given the prompt before and after about her OCD. Her before painting is a scenic picture of a tree with a bird sitting on a branch. There is a black fence in front of the tree. On the upper left, you see a painted sun.

When asked to describe her painting, the client stated that she drew a tree because she loves trees. She explained that the tree represented her OCD thoughts. Then she pointed to the black fence that runs straight across the bottom of the painting. This represented her compulsions. The red bird sitting in the tree was the client.

She expressed that her compulsions kept her safe from her intrusive thoughts. If she stayed within the fence, she was fine. However, she admitted that the bird (her) was not happy in the tree but was too scared to fly away.

Finally, she mentioned that the sun represented hope. Hope that she could find a better way to live. Hope that would allow her to enjoy her life more fully without the distress caused by her OCD symptoms.

The client was then asked to paint a picture of what her OCD looked like after therapy. Interestingly, her after picture does not look much different. However, there are a few slight changes.

In this painting, she drew the same fence, but this time, the fence was purposely painted brown to show that although her compulsions were still present, they did not feel as confining as they had felt prior to therapy. Also, the fence was not as straight and rigid as it was in her first drawing.

The tree still represented her intrusive thoughts, however, it was not as big and as intricate as in her first painting, signifying that her intrusive thoughts were not as controlling or bothersome as they had been in the past.

One very noticeable difference in her second drawing was that the bird, which represented her, was no longer sitting in the tree. The bird was flying freely in this picture and when the client was asked why she did not draw a sun in her second painting like she had in her first, she paused and responded that there was no need for a sun because the bird now represented hope.

Looking at these two paintings, no one would assume that either represented any type of struggle. These paintings are not gruesome nor scary in anyway. They are beautiful.

Much like these paintings, mental health disorders can be very difficult to detect and are often misunderstood. Sufferers appear very normal on the outside, but on the inside, they are experiencing a significant amount of anxiety. Like the bird represented here in the above paintings, people who suffer from a mental illness, such as OCD, desire to live a life free of anxiety.

While symptoms of mental illnesses cannot fully be eliminated, implementing skills learned in therapy can greatly increase a person’s quality of life as it has with this client. Getting help for your mental illness is key to living a fuller, richer life.

*Client has give permission to share the pictures in this article.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-therapy-changes-a-life/

Interview: Paige Elizabeth on Yoga and Recovery

It would be a lie to say I love my body today, but I can’t deny the fact that yoga taught me how powerful my body is and that is what I think about if I move too far into self-hatred.

Paige Elizabeth is a yoga entrepreneur currently bringing her brand of pragmatic instruction to the internet via her Dharmic Path business. She is one of only a handful of women in the world who have completed the Advanced B series of Ashtanga Yoga, a backbreaking series of poses concocted by Indian guru Sri K. Pattabhi Jois. But it is not the hardest thing she has done. Paige Elizabeth discusses overcoming a life-threatening eating disorder, facing early trauma, and her passion for yoga with The Fix.

When did you realize you had an eating disorder?

It started when I was 11 and people said I looked chubby. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t chubby, I just had a round face but I ended up with such a distorted body image that I went on a diet aged 11. It worked and lost weight. Soon it became an obsessive thing and I weighed myself in secret every morning because knew if my mother found out she would try and stop me.

What stages did it take?

I started starving myself: taking the anorexic route until my mother noticed and tried to take control of the situation. But I wasn’t having that so I would eat to please her and then go and start vomiting. I was bulimic for three years and then I started cutting and self-harming to punish myself for not being good enough. It was also a way to attack my body for not being perfect enough.

What was behind it?

My therapist thought I was a sexual trauma victim but that wasn’t accurate but, during therapy, I did remember witnessing the molestation of my brother which could be equally traumatizing. That could have been the seed but I don’t want to pin it all on that; sometimes I wonder if it is due to karma from a past life because the sense of being unloveable goes so deep. The only way to survive was to dedicate my life to transcending that wound and replacing all that damage with self-love.

So it was a family trauma?

My brother became a heroin addict and died when he was 30. It’s interesting how family dynamics follow certain patterns. For example, when, after years of therapy, I took my power back from my mother, that’s when things started to fall apart with my brother. There was always a scapegoat in my family and I think he fell into that position.

It’s quite saddening that my mother treated me like a burden, but my brother she smothered to the point of not allowing him to do his own thing. It was two very different dynamics and both were damaging. She was still cleaning his house until the day he died.

My dad comes from a family of seven and my grandfather hated him so he was more inclined to be nice and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here. Crazy as my behavior got, he trusted I would pull through but my mother wanted me to go an institution.

I would have hated that.

I’ve always been a freedom whore.

Find out the rest about how Paige Elizabeth got into yoga and how it showed her how powerful her body and mind are in the original article Talking Yoga and Recovery with Paige Elizabeth at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/interview-paige-elizabeth-on-yoga-and-recovery/

Sex Addiction in Modern Times

The #MeToo movement has prompted many different discussions about boundaries, responsibility, and society. The issues surrounding what constitutes sexual harassment or sexual assault also relate to how someone could cross those boundaries in the first place. Excessive alcohol use or unclear communication are most often seen in college-aged assaults. While still distressing, multiple extra-marital affairs, financial distress from purchasing sex, and compulsive porn-watching seem to stem from a different source than the alcohol or miscommunication assaults. One term that’s been used to describe the “why” of these actions, is called sexual addiction.

According to Medical News Today, sex addiction is described as a condition where someone is unable to manage their sexual behavior. If sexuality impairs the ability to work or hinders relationships, sexual addiction may be the problem.

The effects of sexual addiction include:

• Losing interest in hobbies or friendships
• Financial problems
• Relationship miscommunication
• Concentration issues during school or work

There are many different reasons why someone could conceivably have a sex addiction, but the common cause stems from a need to escape. Like one of the root elements of alcoholism, the sexual behavior is used more as self medication which functions to treat different problems. This kind of distraction can be all-consuming, but unlike alcoholism, the common conclusion to abstain, is not prescribed.

Trauma is a possible component. If the trauma included sexual abuse, this may be particularly difficult. Often times when sexual abuse occurs, the feelings surrounding loss of power stay with the abused person, even after the abuse is over. In an effort to take control, sexual fantasies around the trauma may feel overwhelming.

The role of anxiety may also play a part. The ability to escape coupled with physiological sensations in the body, can both immediately relieve stress. The impulse to seek the same type of comfort and relief from anxiety can create a loop that leads toward sexual addiction.

Commonly Reported Symptoms:

• Engaging in multiple affairs. Having multiple partners suggests that the person having the affairs, is more interested in the initial excitement of a relationship than the actual “heart” of it. The endorphins, the escape from real responsibility, and the different lives one must lead to manage all relationships, is a full time job. This type of lifestyle leaves little left over for meaningful relationships.
• Hiring prostitutes or paying for sexual favors. Hiding sexual behavior from a spouse or loved one to seek additional or alternative sex, is problematic for a number of reasons. Sexually transmitted disease, trust issues, and the inability to harness impulses all result in relationship issues.
• Repeated unprotected sex. This is physically dangerous for all involved. Because the sex addict frequently displays symptoms of low-esteem, a failure to take precautions in protecting health is another common sign of sex addiction.

Like other forms of addiction, the knowledge and treatment varies dramatically. Celebrities or politicians caught in a sex scandal have been known to claim sex addiction, possibly to avoid moral responsibility for the choices they have made. Whether the compulsion is there because of a seemingly-unavoidable need for instant sexual gratification or because there is a problem with the individual’s personality, the following treatments are available for anyone with compulsive sexual dysfunction:

• Sex Addicts Anonymous. Recovery exists through a model that describes ‘sobriety’ without abstaining from all sexual experiences. The premise states that sex is not the problem, rather the addiction to certain sexual behaviors.
• Group therapy. Unlike the twelve-step programs, group therapy is directed by a trained professional. Group therapy has the added bonus of fostering non-sexual connection with others that one-on-one therapy cannot provide.
• Support forums are a way that one can find help while preserving complete anonymity. Through various online support groups like the forums on Psych Central, there are very different people to gain insight from. Internet support groups also have the added benefit of being available regardless of the time of the day.
• Individual therapy can also help with these issues. Sex addiction specialists may be the best fit if group settings are not desired.

Further reading: Sex Addiction 101

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex-addiction-in-modern-times/

Psychology Around the Net: January 27, 2018

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

So, remember when I told you I was taking an entire mental health weekend last weekend?

Well, it was amazing!

Although I did make a quick trip to the grocery store and had brunch with my mom on Sunday, I mostly chilled indoors doing everything I love that I rarely have time for (maybe it would be fairer to say “rarely make time for”). I read, I wrote, I caught up on a few chores (you read that correctly — catching up on chores is actually a self-care thing for me!), and I snuggled my doggo. I went to bed early on Sunday night, woke up early on Monday morning, and hit the ground running, completely refreshed.

Well, this weekend I’m having a mental health weekend of a different sort. I’ll be outdoors and surrounded by family and friends. We’re taking our annual January trip to an awesome hiking, fishing, skiing, biking location where we soak up nature in the day and cozy up with guitars and Cards Against Humanity at night. It’s a complete 180-degrees from last weekend, but will be just as beneficial — for both physical and mental health.

Anyway, let’s get to this week’s Psychology Around the Net! Get ready for tips on how to stop being judgmental, a museum’s new exhibition to show the faces of mental illness, a new health app to store all your medical records, and more.

10 Quotes That Will Change the Way You See and Treat People Today: Marc Chernoff of Marc & Angel Hack Life shares the story of how a “peculiar looking woman” helped him realize we’re not all that different from each other and offers a few tips on how we can get out of the habit of judging other people, as well as some quotes and questions to reflect on when we catch ourselves feeling judgmental.

What Kate Middleton Just Said About Kid’s Mental Health is a Good Topic for the Workplace, Too: Earlier this week, Kate Middleton spoke with students and teachers at Roe Green Junior School in London during a lesson designed to help support children’s mental health. The Duchess talked about how having a conversation was the first step to dealing with mental health. Inc.com’s John Brandon points out that this advice applies to the workplace, too. Active listening — rather than just waiting for someone to visit a mental health professional — is the way to go.

A Psychology Researcher Explains How Social Media Is Changing Us: Dr. Erin Vogel, a postdoc in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco who studies social media and well-being, discuses how people project a facade of themselves on social media, using these platforms for social comparison, and how the more time we spend on social media, the more the platform — not us — benefits.

What Does Someone with Mental Illness Look Like? A Museum Tries to Answer That: There’s a new exhibition at Boston’s Museum of Science that’s tackling the common misconceptions and stigma of mental illness using both art and science. “Many Faces of Our Mental Health” is a collaboration between psychiatrist-scientist Dr. Bruce Cohen, science journalist Dr. Rae Simpson, and artist Lynda Michaud Cutrell and includes paintings, portraits, sculptures, and videos based on current scientific data. “Many Faces of Our Mental Health” is open through February 11, 2018, but if you can’t make it to Boston you can take a peak of a few of the faces online.

Psychosis Associated with Increased Complications Following Total Joint Arthroplasty: According to the results of a recent study published in The Journal of Arthroplasty, patients who have schizophrenia or bipolar disorder are at a higher risk for postsurgical complications, such as joint infections and the need for aseptic and mechanical revisions. Researchers note people with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia can have “multiple potential barriers to self-care post-operatively” and “[s]urgeons should be aware of this high-risk population.”

Apple Wants to Gather All Your Medical Records in the Health App: Earlier this week, Apple released the beta version of iOS 11.3, along with a new health effort: Health Records, as part of the Health app. Health Records will let you collect and view all your medical records, and Apple has already partnered with hospitals and clinics such as Johns Hopkins Medicine and Cedars-Sinai for the beta testing. Apple Chief Operating Officer Jeff Williams states, “Apple doesn’t see the data unless the consumer chooses to share it.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-january-27-2018/

Smoking in Movies: How Does It Affect Teens?

Youth who are exposed to images of smoking in movies are more likely to smoke.

A long-time sober friend and I were exiting a 12-step meeting a few weeks ago and caught a whiff of cigarette smoke exhaled by a passerby. “Ya know,” I said, “I still crave cigarettes, even though I quit almost three decades ago.”

He agreed. “Yeah, I started smoking when I was 12. When I finally quit 15 years ago, I’d turned 40 and had a ridiculous amount of health problems. It always looked so glamourous in those old Hollywood movies. It still does and I still want to smoke.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a report about tobacco use in top-grossing movies during the years 2010 through 2016. “Reducing tobacco use in youth-related movies could help prevent the initiation of tobacco use among young persons,” said the report. And, although it found less smoking in G and PG movies since 2010, tobacco use in PG-13-rated top-grossing films has increased 43% since 2010.

The Surgeon General website states, “Youth who are exposed to images of smoking in movies are more likely to smoke. Those who get the most exposure to onscreen smoking are about twice as likely to begin smoking as those who get the least exposure.” The SG has concluded that there is a causal relationship between smoking in the movies and “the initiation of smoking among young persons.” America’s leading health organizations are now demanding that all movie producers and distributors slap an R rating onto films that show smoking onscreen. Interestingly, they’ve indicated a possible exception for movies based on historical figures.

It would be odd to watch a flick about Franklin D. Roosevelt, Dwight D. Eisenhower, or Lyndon B. Johnson without showing a single cigarette. And can you imagine Winston Churchill without a cigar? On January 8, actor Gary Oldman won a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Churchill in the PG-13-rated film, “Darkest Hour.” During his acceptance speech Oldman thanked co-star Kristin Scott Thomas “for putting up with all of those awful cigars.”

But who will decide when it’s necessary to include smoking in order to portray history accurately? When will it matter enough for those in the entertainment business to risk receiving an R rating and losing millions at the box office? And doesn’t this idea of sanitizing films reek of censorship?

Well, does it reek of censorship? Read some more thoughts on how smoking could affect movie ratings — and how that could possibly affect youth and smoking — in the original article Can Movie Ratings Really Stop Teens from Smoking? at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/smoking-in-movies-how-does-it-affect-teens/