OCD and Showering

When my son Dan was in the throes of severe obsessive-compulsive disorder in 2008, he would sit in his “safe chair” for eight hours at a time. He was literally “stuck.” While I didn’t realize it at the time, getting stuck, or more accurately, becoming a slave to OCD’s demands, is part of what severe OCD is all about. Never-ending compulsions take over your life as you try to achieve certainty that all is well.

I’ve always found it particularly heartbreaking when OCD latches on to our most basic needs such as loving relationships, eating, and physically caring for ourselves. One of the more common compulsions that is often used as an “example of OCD” is hand washing, which can indeed be so severe that scarring, bleeding, or infections occur. The person with OCD cannot stop washing until their doubt and anxiety subside.

What perhaps is less known to people who are not directly affected by OCD is that showering is also a common compulsion. While those with obsessive-compulsive disorder might believe they are just trying to get clean, showering as a compulsion serves the same purpose as all compulsions — to reduce anxiety and uncertainty. Some people will insist on using scalding hot water, while others will have rituals that need to be done in a certain manner. If something is done “incorrectly,” the person with OCD feels the need to start all over again. At the very least it is tiring and draining, and in the worst-case scenarios it is completely debilitating. I personally know of a young woman who got “stuck” in the shower for ten hours and had to be physically removed. As I said — heartbreaking. A basic activity of daily living turned into a nightmare.

What leads to this nightmare? How and why do things get that bad? Well, as with all types of OCD, it starts with an obsession. In those with shower compulsions, obsessions typically include contamination fears or germ phobias, but that isn’t always the case. OCD has an impressive imagination and can latch on to anything. For example, someone with OCD might fear harm coming to someone they love if they don’t wash each body part ten times in the shower. While the person with OCD typically realizes this makes no sense, there is always that doubt, and the compulsions are then carried out. Unfortunately, that’s never the end of it. The reassurance that compulsions provide is addictive and just as with drugs, tolerance rises and more and more compulsions are needed to feel that sense of relief. Before you know it, you’re in the shower, unable to get yourself out.

I know that even with this explanation, it is hard for those of us without obsessive-compulsive disorder to understand. Why can’t our loved ones just get out of the shower? Shut the water and get out!? It is difficult for us to comprehend the level of fear and anxiety they are dealing with.

But there truly is good news. Obsessive-compulsive disorder, no matter how severe, is treatable. The frontline psychological therapy for the treatment of the disorder is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, and it works. Remember the young woman who was stuck in the shower for ten hours? After two months of intensive ERP therapy, she now easily takes fifteen-minute showers. She is in charge of her showers, and her life, now. Not OCD.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/ocd-and-showering/

When You Feel Guilty Being a Working Mom

“Why bother having children if you don’t spend time with them?”

Playwright and author Sarah Ruhl distinctly remembers her mother saying this about moms who worked full-time. After Ruhl had her own children, her mom’s words continued to haunt her, she writes in her excellent book 100 Essays I Don’t Have Time to Write: On Umbrellas and Sword Fights, Parades and Dogs, Fire Alarms, Children, and Theater.

For many working moms, these words haunt us, too. Maybe you work from home, and wonder if you should be able to get your work done in the margins of your day—before your child wakes up, during naptime, after bedtime. Maybe you barely make enough to cover your childcare (and wonder if it’s fair for your spouse to foot the bill since you’re the one who chooses to work). Maybe you’re just starting a start-up, and your salary is lower than low. Maybe you have a time-consuming career and a long commute, which means your child spends most of their weekdays in daycare. Maybe you’re working full-time and going to school.

Guilt is tough because it’s a signal that you’re doing something wrong. So when you feel guilty, you become convinced that you’re taking some terrible action.

But sometimes guilt is a false alarm. And it, unfortunately, tends to ring especially loudly for mothers.

“Mothers have a unique type of guilt that shows up in a variety of ways, and working mom guilt is a particularly difficult brand of maternal guilt,” said Stephanie Sprenger, a writer who pens the blog Mommy, for Real and co-edited The HerStories Project‘s essay collection: So Glad They Told Me: Women Get Real About Motherhood.

She encouraged moms to open up about their guilt, whether it’s talking to a therapist, mentioning it in a moms’ group, or writing about it inside your journal. “Talking about it may seem scary, but it actually makes our guilt less of a powerful force.”

Below, you’ll find additional tips on navigating your guilt—and making it less powerful and persuasive.

Identify the source of your guilt. Kate Rope, author of Strong as a Mother: How to Stay Healthy, Happy, and (Most Importantly) Sane from Pregnancy to Parenthood, stressed the importance of identifying why you’re feeling guilty: “Is it because you really think something should change and you are not doing what you believe is the best thing for you and your family? Or is it because you’ve internalized ideas from other people in your life or society in general and feel like you are not living up to those ideas?”

If the former is true for you, she suggested rethinking how you’re structuring your life so it better aligns with your wants and values (if that’s possible). Maybe that means asking your boss if you could work from home a few days a week to cut down on your commute, and spend that time with your child. Maybe that means changing jobs, so you have a less demanding position or a more flexible arrangement. Maybe it means going part time, and having your kids attend daycare three days a week. Maybe it means doing a split-shift, where you work until 2 p.m., spend time with your kids, and then work for several hours after their bedtime. Or maybe it means leaving the workforce all together. (Either way, there are so many ways to design your life with kids—as the comments illustrate in this post on Laura Vanderkam’s site.)

If the latter is true for you, that your guilt is coming from messages outside of yourself, tune into—and keep tuning into—your beliefs and what’s best for you and your family, Rope said. (More on that below.)

Don’t put guilt in the driver’s seat. One of Sprenger’s favorite books is Feel the Fear . . . And Do It Anyway! Her personal motto is: “Feel the guilt . . .and do it anyway!” That is, acknowledge how you’re feeling and explore it—but if your guilt isn’t pointing to some deeper truth, keep doing what you’re doing.

And don’t change a thing. As Sprenger said, keep working at a job that fulfills you, skip bedtime to take a yoga class, or pay a sitter so you can get a massage. “The guilt may or may not go away, but that doesn’t mean you have to let it take the wheel and guide your decisions.” 

See the value in your work. When Rope interviewed Lauren Smith Brody, the author of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom’s Guide to Style, Sanity and Success after Baby, for her book, she shared this tip: Make a list of what you get from your job (a paycheck totally counts!), and what you bring to your job. “Both of these will help you see the value of your work for yourself and for a larger community—your organization,” Rope said.

See caregivers in a different light. Think of your kids’ caregivers as growing their community, introducing them to different perspectives and helping them develop skills that might not be in your wheelhouse, Rope said. For instance, Rope has had several sitters, including her mother-in-law, who are great artists and have helped her daughters nurture their interest and abilities in art.

“My mom always told me, ‘the more people who love your child, the better,’ and I really believe that. We were intended to raise human beings as a community, and children benefit and learn from a wider community.”

Consider the lessons. Your children can learn a lot from your work. For instance, according to Rope: They can learn from you providing for them, and they can learn from the kind of work you do. If your work feeds your soul, they can learn the importance of caring for yourself, and if your work serves others, they can learn the importance of caring for people beyond your loved ones, she said. 

Realize that you’re not failing. Moms often feel like failures because we can’t keep up: We’re expected to be on top of work—and on top of the latest parenting information and advice, to “be all things at all times to our kids,” Rope said. However, there’s very little support for these massive expectations, including inadequate maternity leave and inflexible workplace policies, she said.

“There is no such thing as daddy guilt, which demonstrates the incredible burden we put on moms to be the primary, all-knowing caregiver.” And yet “it takes a village to raise a child.”

When Ruhl recently asked her mom to clarify what she meant by saying, “Why bother having children if you don’t spend time with them?” after taking a moment to think, her mom replied: “Probably I was just jealous of the mothers who worked full-time.”

Guilt is a tricky emotion. Sometimes, it really does reveal an underlying desire—which might mean making a big change. And other times it’s a false alarm (no matter how roaring its ring). The key is to dig deep and identify which one it is for you. And whatever you choose, know that there’s value and worth in all of it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-you-feel-guilty-being-a-working-mom/

Best of Our Blogs: July 31, 2018

The word, “wellness,” is everywhere these days. But what does it really mean to be well? Is it just another trend or can wellness be something we can realistically attain in our own life?

Is wellness about physicality and specific physical goals? Is it about the ability to manage your emotions in a healthy way? Is it both?

This MindBodyGreen post shares what the word means to various professionals in the wellness field. As you can see, wellness means different things to different people.

If you were to create a definition of wellness, what would it look like?

For me, wellness would be a feeling of wholeness, centeredness, and feeling grounded.

Speaking of questions, check out one of the most personal questions you can ask someone and how it can actually improve your relationships.

The Most Personal Question You Can Ask Someone
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – It’s more personal than asking someone their weight or finances. Learn what question can provoke a deeper relationship with others and yourself.

10 Things Mental Health Therapists Wish Divorce Attorneys Understood
(The Exhausted Woman) – It’s a definite must-read for divorce attorneys, but it also is helpful for anyone wanting to understand the emotional impact of divorce.

15 Signs You Have Toxic Parents
(Happily Imperfect) – Want to know if your parents are really toxic? These signs will clue you in.

What is Narcissistic Projection ?: A Blame-Shifting Tactic of the Extreme Narcissist
(The Savvy Shrink) – You’ve been blamed, manipulated and confused by a narcissist. This post demonstrates what happened and why you should consider leaving the relationship.

Healthy Ways to React to Common Toxic and Manipulative Words
(Psychology of Self) – How you do you handle the hurtful words a narcissist or other toxic person has thrown at you? Here’s how to not get too overwhelmed.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-july-31-2018/

New Research May Support the Existence of Empaths

Do empaths exist? Many people who claim to be highly sensitive or intuitive to the emotions of others and even to feel what others feel would respond with an enthusiastic “yes.”

The scientific studies that are often used to demonstrate that empaths exist, however, provide indirect evidence.

This includes research showing the existence of mirror neurons in the brain, which are said to enable us to read and understand each other’s emotions by filtering them through our own (Iacobani, 2008). Other studies used to explain empaths include the concept of emotional contagion, which is the idea that when people synchronize their attitudes, behaviors and speech, they also synchronize their emotions both consciously and unconsciously (Hatfield, Cacioppo & Rapson, 1994).

These studies explain the existence of empathy in general. They do not explain why some people — empaths — have more of it than others. As a result, some scientists have been skeptical about whether empaths do exist and at the very least have argued that there is no evidence to support their existence beyond anecdotal descriptions of what it feels like to be one.

It appears, however, that research to support the existence of empaths does potentially exist. Neuroscientist and psychologist Abigail Marsh describes in her book The Fear Factor (2017) how she found evidence that there is a difference in the brains of people who are highly empathetic to others. She calls them “altruists.”

Marsh was motivated, based on her personal experiences, to learn what causes people to engage in selfless acts even when there is no benefit to themselves or when there is a cost involved. She recruited people for her studies who had engaged in the most extreme selfless act that fit into this category she could think of: donating kidneys to complete strangers, often anonymously.

To learn how they responded to the emotions of others, she measured their brain activity while showing them pictures of faces with varying emotional expressions. Compared with a control group (those who had not donated a kidney), they were especially sensitive to fearful facial expressions. When they recognized fear, there was heightened activity in the amygdalae in their brains. The amygdalae were also eight percent larger than those belonging to members of the control group.

Although she never refers to the altruists as empaths, I believe there are good reasons for applying the label “empaths” to this group of people in her research. First, there are different types of altruism, including kin-based, reciprocity-based, and care-based (Marsh, 2016). Her research appears to support care-based altruism, where no reward or genetic reward to the self is expected. The motivation for this type of altruism is thought to be possible solely because of concern for the well-being of others, or empathy (Batson, 1991). This appears to suggest that the group of individuals for whom she found measurable differences in the brains were not only highly altruistic, they were also highly empathetic — or “empaths.”

Second, empaths and psychopaths have often been noted anecdotally as being polar opposites (Dodgson, 2018), but Marsh actually refers to the altruists in her study as “anti-psychopaths” because of what her findings showed. She also examined brains of psychopaths and found the exact opposite of what she had found for the altruists. The psychopaths were less able to recognize fear on the faces of others and less responsive to it when they did. The psychopaths also had amygdalae that were about eighteen percent smaller than normal.

In other words, both the altruists and the psychopaths had abnormal brains when it came to responses to the fear of others — but in opposite directions. This appears to support the idea that they are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to empathy: psychopaths cannot feel and react to the fear of others (unless they have another motive) while altruists, or empaths, feel and are moved to respond to the fear of others as if it were their own.

Now that we know who they are, what do empaths look like beyond their altruistic behavior? 

Empaths are popularly characterized as being exceptionally sensitive to their environments, absorbing the feelings of others easily, and then quickly becoming drained. General descriptions of what it’s like to be one range from having a higher degree of compassion and caring for others than average, to being strongly in tune with the emotions of others, to having a compelling desire to heal, assist and give others the benefit of the doubt even to the detriment of themselves.

Marsh was mostly interested in their acts of altruism and what motivated them, so there is little in her research to give us a clue about what their lives are like beyond their acts of altruism.

There was one interesting commonality, however. Her research indicates that, temperamentally, they appear to have more humility than average, and it is this humility that appears to enable them to treat strangers with such selflessness. She writes, “Although they are clearly more sensitive than average to others’ distress, their capacity for compassion and generosity reflects the same neural mechanisms that lie latent in most of humankind. Indeed, it is in part the fact that altruists recognize that they are not fundamentally different from anyone else that moves them to act.”

Now that we can potentially identify who they are, further research can tell us more about how being an empath affects their lives and, perhaps more importantly, how empaths can protect their strengths from exploitation given that this research indicates that they tend to view everyone as equally deserving of their assistance.

 

Sources Cited:

Batson, C. D. (1991). The altruism question. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Dodgson, L. 2018. The opposite of a psychopath is an ‘empath’—here are the signs you could be one. Business Insider. Retrieved July 22, 2018. http://www.businessinsider.com/am-i-an-empath-2018-1?r=UK&IR=T

Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T. and Rapson, R. L. (1994). Emotional contagion. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Iacobani, M. (2008). Mirroring people: the science of empathy and how we connect with others. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.

Marsh, A. (2017). The fear factor: how one emotion connects altruists, psychopaths & everyone in between. New York: Basic Books.

Marsh, A. (2016). Neural, cognitive, and evolutionary foundations of human altruism. Wiley Interdisciplinary Reviews: Cognitive Science, 7(1), 59-71.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/new-research-may-support-the-existence-of-empaths/

5 Tips Toward More Generous Listening

“The degree to which I can create relationships, which facilitate the growth of others as separate persons, is a measure of the growth I have achieved in myself.”   – Carl Rogers

We all want to be heard, but how well do we listen? Cultivating the art of listening can go a long way toward creating deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Here are some ways to ratchet up your listening — and thereby deepening connections in your important relationships.

Caring

If someone asked you if you care about your partner and friends, you would probably answer without hesitation, “Yes, of course.” But this raises the question, what does it really mean to care about someone?

It’s comforting to have the self-image of being a caring person — and maybe we are. But true caring is more than just an abstraction. It’s more than wishing a person well. It requires a mature capacity to move beyond ourselves and see the life of another apart from ours. They have their own set of feelings, hopes, and fears. Caring means we’re concerned about their growth and their relationship with their life, not just with ours. As Milton Mayeroff, professor of philosophy, wrote in his classic book, On Caring:

“To care for another person, I must be able to understand him and his world as if I were inside it… I must be able to be with him in his world, ‘going’ into his world in order to see from ‘inside’ what life is like for him.”

Being Interested

Caring goes hand in hand with being interested in a person. Rather than making an effort to be interesting, we keep our focus on being interested. Of course, reciprocity is important too, and it’s important to be heard. But generously extending genuine interest can get the ball rolling toward a fulfilling mutual exchange.

We can learn a lot by being interested in people. We each have a wealth of experience, especially as we get older. We can learn and be stimulated by each other’s experience. But it might not occur to someone to open up to you unless you convey that you’re interested. Showing interest by listening in an open, non-judging way can help a person feel safer with you, which thickens the delicate strands of trust between you.

Stay in Your Body

We can listen more deeply as we stay connected to our body. When people share feelings or experiences that are important to them, I try to remember to breath as a way to stay connected to myself. I try to listen not just with my mind but also with my heart. We don’t have to do this perfectly. I certainly don’t. We all get distracted sometimes. Similar to “good enough mothering,” “good enough” listening conveys the overriding sense that we care.

People can often sense when we extend heartfelt listening. Feeling accepted rather than judged, they then feel safer to be vulnerable with us and share what’s in their heart without being paralyzed by shame or fear.

Somatic approaches to therapy, such as Focusing, Somatic Experiencing, and Hakomi can help us learn to be more connected to the feelings that live in our body. Learning to be gentle and friendly toward our own feelings creates a platform  for attending to others’ feelings in a sensitive, attuned way.

Monitor Your Defensiveness and Reactivity

It’s easy to get triggered when people are expressing their feelings. To the extent that we’re comfortable with our own emotions, we can listen without getting overwhelmed. People can usually sense when we’re uncomfortable with the feelings they’re sharing, especially if their feelings are a response to something we’ve done or said.

Monitoring our defensiveness means noticing when we’re shutting down or becoming reactive or defensive. Being mindful of these reactions can allow us to pause, take a breath, and notice that what’s happening inside us. We might realize, for example, that we feel angry if our partner is upset by our lack of affection or being late. We might feel some shame for having broken an agreement or not being so loving lately.

Shame is often a trigger for attacking or withdrawing. Instead of reacting in a defensive fight-flight mode, we can notice the shame that triggered us. We can take a step back and express the shame and take responsibility for our actions, perhaps saying something like “I can appreciate how you feel that way. You’re right, I’ve been distant lately. I appreciate your telling me. I feel badly that I haven’t been very present or responsive lately.”

Our non-defensive listening can help our partner feel respected, seen, and heard, which is a step toward repairing broken trust and rebuilding connection.

The art of listening involves engaging with a person in an authentic way. It means being interested in a person’s growth and wanting to support that growth. Just as plants needs ample water and sunshine to grow, people need the nutrient of our generous listening in order to grow and thrive.

If you like my article, please consider viewing my Facebook page and books below.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips-toward-more-generous-listening/

Ep 20: Is Mental Illness an Excuse for Poor Behavior?

Living with mental illness often means you make many mistakes, especially when it comes to how you treat the people around you. Some people believe that, because they were symptomatic, no apology is needed. But is that actually true? Is not taking responsibility for the negative aspects of our disorders empowering. . . or not? Listen in!

 

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“If we do something wrong because of a symptom of mental illness, do we have to apologize?”
– Gabe Howard

Highlights From ‘Mental Illness is NOT an Excuse’ Episode

[1:30] Our first ever listener project!

[3:00] Is mental illness an excuse?

[4:25] Gabe’s story of apologizing after being diagnosed with bipolar.

[7:15] Michelle’s story of flippin’ out when she was off her schizophrenia meds.

[8:00] Are people who don’t take responsibility for their mental illness empowered?

[11:45] Does our illness control us?

[15:00] If we do something wrong because of a symptom of mental illness, do we have to apologize?

 

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

 

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/ep-20-is-mental-illness-an-excuse-for-poor-behavior/

The Grief-Joy Spiral

Do joy and grief share something essential in common? And by cutting out one, do we end up cutting ourselves off from the other?

Tags: bereavement, emotions, mindful awareness, relationships, zen

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life https://counsellingresource.com/features/2018/07/30/the-grief-joy-spiral/

Looking for Unconditional Love in All the Wrong Places

Those of you who know me or have read my blogs know that I have had a rough life. Getting fired by one of my first supervisors, in front of my wife? Surely, things can’t get any worse.

Well, late in 2017, they did. Solely due to a miscommunication and misunderstanding among those that I worked with, my supervisor at the time fired me — five days before Christmas.

Future blogs of mine will cover this and its succeeding events in more depth.

For now, I wish to write about how those here in Orange County, California who purport to love others fail to offer the greatest love of all — unconditional love.

Although I established employment within three months of being fired by Orange County’s largest private employer, I do not as of yet have sustained employment. I’m in a probationary period, at my current job.

What makes this form of unemployment the most difficult of any that I have suffered prior is that my wife and I have two foster babies that we are trying to adopt. Of course, the joy of adoption is the only thing that will finally destroy the devastation of our being unable to naturally have children. If I cannot maintain a job, Social Services will simply take our kids from us. My wife and I will both be devastated.

Anyway, shortly after being fired, I took the logical first step. I sought help from a branch of a megachurch that we were attending at the time, here in Orange County — one of the most expensive regions of the United States in which to live.

Two of the ministers who had previously and frequently mentioned how much he loved my wife and me, ultimately, offered no help.

Later, we e-mailed that branch to ask for a simple loan. Many churches in our nation do offer such loans. One of the branch’s leaders replied by sarcastically typing “… this is a church — not a lending institution.”

As a result of this lack of love and support, we afterward visited another church in Orange County the following Sunday. We informed the senior pastor about our situation and how much we were financially in danger of losing our apartment and having to move to a homeless shelter. Instead of offering help, he eagerly informed us that he ministers at the local shelter and happily advised us that it is not a bad place to live, instead of offering help. Gee, thanks! No love, there.

I continued looking for compassion and love by texting a good friend of my family that we had known for decades. She immediately text me back telling me how much my neediness was annoying her and asked me to leave her out of my “next crisis.”

To sum up, ministers at a branch of a megachurch offered no help, though sermon after sermon they gave the impression that love is what their ministry is all about. Also, the senior pastor at another church invited my wife and me a stay at a homeless shelter. And a friend, who for years claimed to love my wife and me, told me that receiving news of my life-threatening problems was annoying her.

What got me through these shocking events? Unconditional love!

The unconditional love that I speak of was experienced after contacting a friend of mine on Facebook, who I had not seen since college and had not had the opportunity of speaking with in 25 years. Despite this gap in communication and despite the fact that my friend lives in North Carolina, on the other end of the continent, he showed unconditional love in graciously allowing me to call him whenever I needed a friend to speak with.  

He continued to offer me advice on life, job-seeking tips, texts, and — most importantly — prayer. This unconditional love is, ultimately, what kept me from feeling discouraged and giving up. He even told me that my problems were not my fault. I simply needed to navigate through the storm.

Yes, this unconditional love and support came from someone that I had not seen in years and someone who lives thousands of miles away, unlike the ministers that live within a fifteen-minute drive.

Eventually, my wife and I returned to this megachurch. But, we joined a different branch that, in fact, gave us money to pay rent for one month. They told us that this money was in the form of a grant for couples who are fostering children, as the megachurch strongly supports adoption of foster children.

When I told my friend about this grant, he strongly suggested that — once I get back on my feet financially — I need to return this money to the church.

How about that? Someone who does not regularly attend church not only showed me the unconditional love that was not shown to me by ministers. But he actually advised me that the right thing to do is to reinvest in the church. Unquestionably, what a fine person!

And what a wonderful cure to life’s problems that unconditional love provides.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/looking-for-unconditional-love-in-all-the-wrong-places/

How to Alter Your Speech to Motivate Others

Motivating others is no easy feat. It comes in many forms, but often language is the most effective medium for getting other motivated and inspired. And what matters just as much as what you say is how you say it.

New research in psychology is suggesting that the way in which we alter our speech cues can influence how motivated another person feels. Netta Weinstein from Cardiff University, along with Konstantina Zougkou and Silke Paulmann from University of Essex conducted research examining a person’s ability to motivate others through speech cues. They found that things like volume, rate, and clarity matter a great deal when it comes to how your message gets received.

Watch your tone!

To motivate others in speech, the most important element is that what you say supports people’s personal autonomy. If you support their independence, it will make the people around you more engaged and interested in what you have to say. And they’re more likely to follow through on a desirable behavior or action.

Motivational language can be broken down into their core elements, or speech cues. When it comes to structuring this language for yourself, these are the features you need to be on the lookout for:

1. Volume. People whose speech is motivating don’t speak as loud as those who express controlling statements. However, concurrent research shows that having a high loudness level makes you more charismatic. The suggestion, then, is to find a happy middle – one that you’re comfortable with.

2. Clarity. Garbled speech is not your friend. Try to enunciate, especially when you’re emphasizing words. Reading out loud is helpful in this – you end up slowly sounding out unfamiliar words and become even more familiar with the words you already now. The clearer you are, the better you are at communicating. You can also try breathing from your diaphragm. To do this, simply inhale and let your stomach inflate, and exhale and let your stomach go down. For the majority of the speaking time, you can have short, shallow breaths, but every 10-15 seconds add in this big diaphragmatic breath. It brings greater control over your speech.

3. Speed. If you speak too fast, you come off as nervous and unprepared. Further, motivating speech is spoken slower than controlling ones. Here’s what you can do: try breaking your sentences up into relevant bits. Take a breath between each part. This way, you lower your speech rate as a whole, and you’re effectively pausing. You’re also improving your clarity of speech.

4. Energy. In several studies, scientists investigated the distribution of energy across frequency bands. Breathy voices had a higher concentration of energy in high-frequency regions. Relaxed voices showed a high proportions of low-frequency energy. The studies found that low-frequency voices, which are less forceful, were more motivational. As follows, to create a motivational environment, you need to be less forceful with your voice. Read a sentence from this article out loud in your best speaking voice. Now answer these questions: are you too breathy? Too rough? Your voice should be relaxed, rather than pressed. If you find yourself tense and it’s difficult to relax, try taking a few deep breaths.

5. Emphasis. Emphasize important information. This might seem tiresome if you’re using the same type of emphasis constantly. Don’t forget to change it up a little – here’s a list of different ways you can emphasize your words. These next few tips are derived from a study that focused on Steve Job’s charismatic style of speaking:

• Emphasize every syllable or word so that each one sounds prominent.
• Repeat words, specifically adjectives like “very”, or “really”.
• Stress the consonant of a stressed syllable, and let your pitch fall as you reach the next vowel. An example of this is saying, ‘RRRR-eally!’
• Do the opposite of what’s written directly above! Stress the vowel, and let your pitch fall as you reach the consonant. You would pronouncing amazing like, ‘am-AAA-zing.’

Further, if you are in a position where you can collect information from your colleagues, try putting together a survey and asking employees to fill it out after your presentation. You can even make it anonymous — that way, you’ll be able to receive honest feedback. Be sure to include these above speech cues in your feebdack.

And supplement these exercises with personal apps:

• Orai – Improve Public Speaking: This app uses your recordings measures how fast you speak, your energy level, and your vocal clarity. It also tracks filler words, such as ‘um, uh, you know’. It also lets you playback your recordings, so you can listen to yourself again – and it’s all transcribed for you, as well. There are also short, quick exercises that increase in difficulty as you progress.
• VirtualSpeech: If you really need to be in a realistic environment to practice, this course simulates a virtual reality for you, so you need a VR headset for this. It tracks hesitation, speech rate, and even eye contact. The audience even has distractions to make the app as realistic as possible.
• Ummo: A simple app that analyzes recordings of your speech. It tracks your pace, volume, clarity percentage, and how many filler words you’ve used. You can also input specific phrases you’d like to watch out for and Ummo will count how many times you’ve said them.

The science behind motivational speech

A recent research paper unpacked these motivational speech cues. In one study, the researchers looked at pitch, volume, speed, and energy. Actors were with situations. They were told, “You have a school-aged daughter. On parents’ night the teacher tells you that your daughter is doing poorly and doesn’t seem involved in the work. You…”

Then, they were presented with controlling and motivational ways to respond to the prompt. They could either talk it over with their daughter to understand her issues or scold her and hope she does better. They were then recorded as they imagined themselves in these scenarios. Actors started by saying 28 motivational sentences, then took a break, and said 28 controlling sentences. They found that neutral responses didn’t differ from motivational responses, meaning that the actors ended up sounding more motivational when neutral.

Students rated these recordings, by reporting how pressuring controlling statements were, while reporting the extent to which motivational statements supported choice. This was done to validate sentences recorded by the actors.

There were predictable patterns of speech patterns that came through in the different responses. Autonomy-supportive, motivational sentences were spoken quieter, less forcefully, and slower than controlling sentences.

A second study tested if listeners could identify motivational content. They also looked at how this content was linked to support and pressure. They presented listeners with neutral, motivational, and controlling sentences — all randomized. They then asked the listeners how pressuring the speaker sounded, and if the speaker supported the listener’s sense of choice.

For this study, they found that participants found sentences spoken in a controlling way as more pressuring and less supportive of choice. The results from the previous study also came into play, as volume and speed were linked to motivational sentences.

A last study tested whether neutral words spoken in a motivational style could change levels of pressure and support in the listener. They also tested to see if these speech elements would influence a person’s well-being. To do this, they asked students from ages 18 to 45 to listen to neutrally-worded sentences that were either spoken in motivational or controlling way. They listened carefully to several of these statements and answered questions about support, well-being, anxiety, and self-esteem.

At the heart of these findings is that motivational speech is a learned ability. It’s not an inherent skill that you’re either born with or not. Instead it’s something that gets developed over time with practice and a little bit of effort. But whereas before it was blind trial-and-error, here we at least have a starting point, a guide of which features are the most important to target.

So what are you waiting for? Stop reading and start speaking.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-alter-your-speech-to-motivate-others/

Grief as a Hole in the Heart

Today, I was speaking with a friend/colleague who has been a long time addictions specialist, thanatologist and grief counselor. Dr. Yvonne Kaye is an outspoken advocate for those who are living with loss. One of her specialities is working with bereaved parents, regardless of the age of the child or the reason for their death. She has been in the trenches with them for decades and never ceases to be amazed by their resilience in the face of what is considered to be ‘out of the natural order of things.’

Compassionate Friends is one of the organizations with which she is involved and to which she refers family members and friends of those suffering such a loss. It was born  40 years ago as a result of a chaplain in England feeling helpless to assist two families in grieving the deaths of their children. He recognized the power of solidarity shared between those who had walked the path.

She shared a tidbit of wisdom from a bereaved parent with whom she had worked. The woman told her that although that type of inconceivable experience created a hole in her heart, she had learned to plant flowers in it. No one or nothing can completely fill the space, nor should they. She also reframes the concept that people often offer those who are grieving, that they need to be strong. Her take is that when you are strong, it means you don’t need anyone. Rather, she professes, we all have strengths. I think of it as resilience, either hard wired into us or acquired as we mature.

At our birth, we enter into a world in which we experience loss. We are no longer living in amniotic nirvana in which all of our needs are met. From then on, it can be as simple as giving up a pacifier or a bottle as we move from infant to toddler or as painful as the death of a beloved animal companion.

Even as adults, that kind of loss has its challenges. Someone shared with me recently that with the death of a beloved pet who had been a family member for many years, she found herself tearing up when seeing his food bowl that needed to be washed, or knowing that if someone dropped a cracker on the floor, they would have to pick it up themselves, rather than waiting for their four legged cleaner to do it. She tends to submerge her grief, not wanting to feel overpowered by it. She also feels a need to protect others from theirs, in part because she wants them to be resilient. She expressed that she doesn’t want to ‘wallow’. My invitation to her was that she ‘allow rather than wallow.’ Let herself have all the feels and make room for those around her to do so as well.

We struggle to understand the concept of something “going away,” and often there are no role models who are at ease with discussing the topic because they, too, may not have been educated in the ways of loss and grief. While there are books available on the topic, they don’t take the place of first hand experience and the wisdom gleaned as a result.

Take a moment to contemplate the losses in your life and the ways in which you face them. Some people in treatment have faced the death of parents, grandparents, siblings and friends. If your emotions around these experiences were repressed — for example, if you were advised not to cry — you may have a well of tears waiting to overflow. If you were told that a person “went to sleep” or “went away on a trip,” you might have feared closing your eyes at night or been fraught with anxiety each time a family member packed a suitcase.

These emotions may have lay dormant for decades and further held at bay by substance abuse. As we age, additional losses accumulate: job, physical vitality, cognitive functioning, children leaving home, financial challenges, and more. Each loss takes its toll on our well-being.

The Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory incorporates 43 life events and a numerical rating scale of social readjustment for each one. Some of these life events related to loss include:

• Death of a spouse (100 points)
• Divorce (73 points)
• Marital separation (65 points)
• Detention in jail or other institution (63 points)
• Death of a close family member (63 points)
• Major personal injury or illness (53 points)
• Being fired at work (47 points)
• Death of a close friend (37 points)

When tallied up, these points indicate the risk of a major health breakdown, ranging from 150 points or less predicting relatively low risk to up to 300 points or more increasing the odds by 80 percent. Many of these events are to be expected in most people’s lives, but when a person is living with an addiction, the odds are greater that incarceration, marital conflict, injury, illness, loss of job, and death of friends and family members from overdose will occur.

About “Loss Layers”

Although I’ve worked in the bereavement field for many years, I was introduced to the term “loss layers” when reading the book entitled Glad No Matter What: Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity by author and artist Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (also known as “SARK”). It was written in the midst of her mother’s death followed by the passing of her 17-year-old cat and the ending of a romantic relationship. “Loss happens in spirals and layers and not in steps like a ladder,” she says. The image that comes to mind is that of the child’s game of putting one hand on top of the other and then moving the bottom hand on top of the person’s hand above it until a tower of hands is built. We can only reach so high before stretching too far and need to step back.

Loss layers can also be visualized as a tidal wave of emotion. Before we have a chance to stand up from one loss, another wave heads in our direction and bowls us over. The natural tendency is to feel victimized or punished and want to stop the pain. But everything is a coping skill. If we have healthy and high-functioning coping strategies at our disposal — such as meditation, exercise, music, time in nature, being with supportive and loving family and friends, a spiritual connection, or whatever is meaningful to a person — there’s greater likelihood of enduring and growing from the loss and its pain. But if the default mode of coping is substance use or another type of self-medicating behavior, the chances of feeling like you’re drowning in both the loss itself and the consequences of the dysfunctional coping choice are increased.

Addiction recovery meetings, bereavement support groups, hospice programs, a compassionate and competent therapist, and pastoral support can help ease the sting of life’s losses. Although we don’t “get over” a loss, we have the capacity to move forward and embrace life, peeling back the layers of loss as we go.

As Dr. Kaye adamantly states, “Overcoming is not the same as getting over.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/grief-as-a-hole-in-the-heart/

5 Times Couples Counseling Could Be the Best Option

These problems are major.

Whether your husband had an affair or your wife says she’s fallen out of love, there are certain times you’re more likely than not to find yourself wondering, “When is it the right time to go for marriage counseling?”

Many couples ask themselves if counseling will really help them resolve the anger or sadness they feel within their relationship and the answer is, unequivocally, yes.

Any therapeutic intervention, either together or as individuals, will result in some form of change, and it’s this movement most couples crave in order to break through their feelings of helpless stagnation.

If you’re committed to learning how to save your marriage, seeking outside help together as a team can even help you fall more deeply in love with each other.

Questions to Answer About Your Relationship Before Going to Couples Counseling

1. After an Affair.

Counseling after an affair is essential. It provides you both with a holding space for all of the emotions you will experience after there has been a breach of trust: anger, shame, disappointment, rage, sadness, and usually more anger. Decisions need to be made about the future of your marriage, and finding a safe place to consider potential outcomes is important.

While there are specific tools that can help speed you through this process of rebuilding trust, nothing can make this trauma disappear. You can’t just forget it happened and move forward, as much as everyone wishes this was possible. In therapy, you can establish a realistic timeline for healing, as it’s helpful to have a map when you are wandering through this emotional storm.

Individual therapy is also helpful when an affair happens, as each of you needs a place to explore, understand and process all of the feelings that arise.

2. When One Partner Says They’ve Fallen Out of Love.

Many people wonder if it’s possible to fall back in love with their spouse, and just as many want to know how they can get their partner to fall back in love with them.

An experienced therapist can help you uncover the underlying issues behind this emotional change, as well as work with you both to create a path toward reconnection.

For many couples, there are long-standing conflicts that have grown so thorny with resentment that most of the emotion between them has transformed into apathy. In these instances, it is critical to engage in conversations that directly address the disappointment, anger, and shame at the core of the disconnect.

3. During Major Life Changes.

These transitional times — such as when you have a baby, renovate your house, retire, move, or experience a major loss — are moments when we’re forced to redefine and re-orient ourselves, which often causes a great deal of conflict, confusion and stress that can have a negative impact your marriage.

Couples argue more during times of change because it brings up feelings of being out-of-control, which many people cope with by getting angry, then focusing that anger on their spouse.

The stress, as well as the many decisions and disruptions that arise during such times, stir and magnify any underlying conflict between you. That’s why this is a good time to get some support and to learn new communication skills, such as how to argue more effectively.

6 Ways To Bring Your A-Game To Marriage Counseling

4. Your Sex Life Starts to Suffer.

If there is a sudden change in your sex life or a slowly declining level of physical intimacy in your relationship, this is a sign that something has changed and you need to find a way to talk about your needs with your partner and figure out what’s causing the disconnect.

A change in your sex life might mean that unspoken resentments have built up and are being enacted. As anger is diverted to apathy, apathy plays out as a lack of desire for the other person, or as an unconscious withholding as a form of punishment for unspoken or unresolved feelings of having been wronged.

Of course, there are plenty of individuals who find that their libido simple changes or diminishes over time as a normal part of the aging process. However, it’s worth checking in with each other to confirm that there’s nothing deeper going on, or to work through those deeper issues if they do exist.

5. When One Partner Is Diagnosed With an Illness.

When you or your partner are diagnosed with a serious illness, the dynamic in your relationship may shift from an equal partnership to that of a patient and caretaker.

While these roles are necessary and inevitable in such circumstances, they can also lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration, as well as a decreased sense of intimacy, all of which may last even past the point of a full recovery. Chronic illnesses can also impact your sex life with or without physical causes, as it’s extremely difficult for some people to feel sexual with someone when they are in a care-giving role.

In my years working with couples, I have personally never found there to be a time when counseling was harmful or caused a divorce, but I have seen marriages on the verge of splintering apart that were loving knit back together as the couple learned how to communicate more effectively about their needs, disappointments and expectations.

If you and your partner are experiencing any of these roadblocks in your relationship, now is a good time to seek help.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Times Couples Counseling Is Pretty Much The Only Way To Save A Marriage.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-times-couples-counseling-could-be-the-best-option/

The Most Damaging Myths about Motherhood

You should be able to get pregnant right away. It’s what women’s bodies are designed to do. You should love being pregnant—or at least embrace it. After all, you’re growing a child! Pregnancy is when you get to enjoy all those feel-good hormones flowing through your body—and after you give birth, you should be thrilled to hold that baby in your arms. You’re supposed to instinctively bond with your newborn, and know exactly what they need. There’s a right way to give birth—and it doesn’t involve an epidural or a hospital.

Myths about motherhood are so powerful, so prevalent and so salient that they start well before we even become moms, according to Emma Basch, Psy.D, a psychologist who specializes in treating postpartum depression and other perinatal mood and anxiety disorders in Washington, D.C.

And these myths show up everywhere. We hear them from well-meaning loved ones and strangers. We see them on social media. We come across them in clever headlines on all sorts of sites, inside all sorts of publications.

And we consume these myths, and we assume them as our own beliefs. And we inevitably feel terrible, inadequate and lacking when we don’t act accordingly. We inevitably feel like we’re deeply, deeply flawed, and we’re missing some significant maternal gene.

We also don’t try to dispute them. Which means we don’t see facts like—10 percent of women in the U.S. have difficulty getting or staying pregnant; and 10 to 20 percent of women experience perinatal mood or anxiety disorders.

Many of the moms Basch sees at her private practice feel like no matter what they’re doing, they’re getting motherhood wrong. “[T]hey believe there is one right way to be a mom and they are failing.”

Maybe you do, too.

Below you’ll find a variety of myths about motherhood, which I hope help you realize that you’re not, in fact, doing it wrong. Because what’s truly wrong is the perpetuation of these myths in the first place.

Myth: As a mom, you need to fix it.

“There is one highly pervasive myth about motherhood that most of us aren’t even aware of, yet it dictates and influences virtually every decision that we mothers make—and leaves us feeling full of shame and doubt,” said Carla Naumburg, Ph.D, a parent coach and author of several books on parenting, including the forthcoming How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids (Workman, 2019).

The myth, she said, is that motherhood must be easy and enjoyable, and our kids must be happy and doing well—and if that’s not the case, then mom must fix the problem.

That is, if your child is bored, you must entertain them. If your child is sad, you must instantly cheer them up. If your child is throwing a tantrum because you said they can’t play with your phone, you must make them feel better.

We’re one of the first generations to be regularly inundated with research and advice on how to raise our kids. Which inadvertently contributes to the myth that if moms follow the best tips, their kids will be healthy—and if they’re not healthy, then clearly you’ve done something wrong, Naumburg said.

“This is ridiculous and damaging; life and humans are far too complicated and unpredictable for such simplistic if/then statements,” said Naumburg, who pens the Psych Central blog Mindful Parenting. Plus, she said, when we try to “fix,” we communicate that feelings such as sadness, anger, anxiety are bad and not OK. Which, over time, teaches our kids that these uncomfortable emotions are to be avoided—often at all costs. Which also can leave our kids ill-prepared for navigating challenges.

“It isn’t our job as mothers to make sure our children are happy; it’s our job to show up as often as we can for whatever they’re dealing with, and to help them learn how to navigate whatever pops up in life, rather than trying to help them avoid it all together.”

Myth: You should love being a mom. all. the. time.

There’s an implication that if you don’t love being a mom every single second of the day, then you’re somehow abnormal and defective. But as Basch said, “Who loves being or doing anything all of the time? People are multi-faceted; motherhood is complicated.”

Instead of trying to force yourself to feel certain feelings or to put on a mask, Basch stressed the importance of acknowledging and accepting all of your emotions. Because it’s perfectly normal and healthy to experience all kinds of emotions about motherhood.

Therapist Kate Kripke, LCSW, noted that it’s very common for moms to love their kids, but “not love the tedium, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion that often comes hand in hand with being a mom.” Motherhood is filled with moments of deep happiness, wonder and hilarity. But it’s also chaotic and messy, said Kripke, the founder and director of Postpartum Wellness Center of Boulder. And it leaves less time for other activities that you enjoy, which can spark sadness, anger and grief.

Myth: Being a mom should come naturally to you.

And if it doesn’t come naturally, then you’re obviously not cut out to be a mom. “Yet, the act of mothering—the choices to be made, the management of discipline, the day-to-day ebb and flow of the ‘how to’s’ in motherhood do not come ‘naturally’ for many women,” Kripke said.

In fact, she believes that all moms don’t know exactly what to do. But she noted: Some women may simply have more trust in themselves, and some may be more forgiving of their mistakes. Some might’ve been raised in households where they were fully listened to and taught to effectively cope with their emotions. Some might’ve been raised to understand how to “trust their capacities to find their own answers to things that seem like everyone else knows how and they do not.”

These women “may glide through parenting with a bit less stress and pressure because the knowledge is embedded in their own experience—as opposed to women who were not taught these things by their own mothers and therefore have no implicit memory and experience to work with.”

Myth: Good moms focus all their attention on their kids.

“Women are taught to take exceptional care of themselves while they are pregnant and then at the moment of birth, attention of care goes from mother to child,” said Kripke. And moms’ health gets put on the backburner.

Many moms believe that carving out time to care for themselves is the epitome of selfish. After all, we’re repeatedly told that we’re only good moms if we give everything to our kids all the time—if we’re “entirely self-sacrificing,” Basch said.

However, your health is critical. “One of the leading causes of childhood mental illness is untreated maternal mental illness,” Kripke said.

When you prioritize your own self-care, you have more to give to your loved ones. Your patience lasts longer, you’re more creative, you listen with more empathy, you think more logically, and you manage stress more effectively, Kripke said. Caring for yourself isn’t selfish, it’s “self-full.”

Plus, engaging in activities that genuinely nourish you feels good. And you deserve to feel good.

Ultimately, “The truth is, motherhood is complicated, always changing, and deeply personal,” Basch said. Which means there’s no one way to do it.

To stop yourself from internalizing these damaging myths (and similar ones), Naumburg encouraged readers to get regular reality checks from loved ones you deeply trust, who are honest, authentic, supportive and compassionate—and “who love you and your kid regardless of what you’re dealing with right now, and who don’t bother to clean their houses before you come over.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-most-damaging-myths-about-motherhood/

Psychology Around the Net: July 28, 2018

This week’s Psychology Around the Net dives into a new online program that helps people with mental health issues better handle money, how you can know someone’s personality by their eye movements, why psychology courses are important for business owners, and more.

Enjoy!

Banks’ 360-Degree View of Customers Could Include Their Mental Health: Silver Cloud Health has created an online mental health program, Space from Money Worries, to help people who have financial problems related to mental health issues. The program is designed to help those with a link between finances and mental health learn how to manage negative thoughts about finances, reduce impulse spending, feel confident about money issues, and more.

Scientists Just Found the Neurological Link Between Poor Sleep and Depression: We’ve known for a while that poor sleep and an increased risk of depression are bed fellows; however, now scientists have identified why they’re so cozy and that discovery could lead to better depression treatments and sleep quality improvement.

The Damaging Way We Talk About Celebrities and Mental Health: “As someone who lives with mental illness (specifically, a well-managed case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD), it’s frustrating to watch when the behavior of celebrities grappling with their mental health is treated as fodder for the celebrity gossip mill. Few outlets show any consideration for how their coverage contributes to misunderstandings and misinformation about mental illness, let alone how it affects the lives of the people who are the subjects of the articles.” — Lux Alptraum

To Know Someone’s Personality, Watch Their Eye Movements: I feel like there’s a meme out there just waiting to be Instagrammed.

U.S. Psychology Group Set to Modify Rules On Interactions With Military Detainees: Next month, the American Psychological Association will get a chance to modify its policy that prevents military psychologists from conducting interrogations at Guantanamo Bay and other national security facilities.

5 Ways Psychology Courses Can Help Small Business Owners: Thinking about starting a business? Already own a business? You might want to brush up on your understanding of psychology. Not only can it help you better provide support and motivation to your employees, but it can help you gain a better understanding consumers’ wants versus needs, personalize your products and services, and more.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-july-28-2018/

The Effects of Sunlight on OCD Symptoms

When my son Dan was dealing with severe OCD, he would often be awake all night, pacing throughout the house. It was not unusual for me to get up in the morning and find him fast asleep on the living room floor, or wherever else he happened to finally collapse from exhaustion.

Even when his symptoms began to improve, he still could not seem to fall asleep at a normal hour and would be awake until 4:00 am or so. Not surprisingly he’d then sleep half the day away. His sleep cycle was all out of whack.

It turns out that this abnormal sleep pattern is not unusual in those with OCD and has warranted the attention of researchers. In this July 2018 article published in the Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, scientists determined that living at higher latitudes, where there is less sunlight, appears to result in an increased prevalence of OCD.

In regards to the delayed sleep-wake pattern similar to what my son Dan experienced, Professor Meredith Coles, first author of the study, explains:

“This delayed sleep-wake pattern may reduce exposure to morning light, thereby potentially contributing to a misalignment between our internal biology and the external light-dark cycle. People who live in areas with less sunlight may have less opportunities to synchronize their circadian clock, leading to increased OCD symptoms.”

In other words, if you sleep through the morning hours of sunlight, you have less chance of “catching up” with your sun exposure if you live in areas with less sun.

Professor Coles finds the results of this project exciting as they provide a new way of thinking about OCD. She says, “Specifically, they [the results] show that living in areas with more sunlight is related to lower rates of OCD.”

I find the results of this research quite interesting, though not particularly shocking. We already know that lack of exposure to sunshine can affect our mental health — those with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can certainly attest to that.

As is often the case, results of studies leave us with more questions than answers. Why do those with OCD often have abnormal sleep cycles to begin with? Is it anxiety keeping them awake, or is it something else? Professor Coles wants answers to these questions as well and says that future studies are in the works including testing a variety of treatment options that address sleep and circadian rhythm disruptions. She says:

“First, we are looking at relations between sleep timing and OCD symptoms repeatedly over time in order to begin to think about causal relationships,” said Coles. “Second, we are measuring circadian rhythms directly by measuring levels of melatonin and having people wear watches that track their activity and rest periods. Finally, we are conducting research to better understand how sleep timing and OCD are related.”

Obsessive-compulsive disorder can be such a complex disorder — it is always encouraging to hear of research being done on different aspects of it. Who knows? Maybe these studies will somehow lead to better treatment options, or even a cure, for OCD. Surely that would help us all sleep soundly!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-effects-of-sunlight-on-ocd-symptoms/

Surviving the Class Reunion: Where Past and Present Collide

I take a deep breath. Pushing open the door, I’m hit by a sea of faces and a hubbub of noise. Everything is a blur, and I can’t recognize anyone at first. But then I spot my good friend Marilyn. And, yes, I think that’s John — the one who nearly blew up the school with homemade fireworks. As Marilyn and I embrace, and talk eagerly, other faces begin to look familiar. Memory awakens, and names and details bubble up to the surface.

This is by far the most challenging reunion I’ve attended — I left this school when I was eight, and haven’t met anyone since except Marilyn. But as we all begin to mix, there’s plenty of laughter as one reminiscence leads to another. Some things we all agree on — Swedish drill in the playground, painted flashcards for French, and sliding down the banisters on the main staircase, risking the wrath of the headmistress if caught.

But there are gaps and clashes in our narratives too — one person remembers elocution lessons, and the rest of us deny that we ever had them. We collectively recover memory: yes, the art teacher really was called Miss Painter, and we did all dance around the school gymnasium to a radio program called Music and Movement. But I keep the memory to myself of how a well-groomed woman once wet herself in the middle of the classroom.

Recovering memories is one of the key elements of a reunion, and arouses many emotions – joy, shame, amusement, alarm. The prospect of a reunion can be scary, and as the day approaches, there’s usually a lurch of fear in that rising tide of excitement. You just can’t tell in advance what it will be like. Memory is a trickster; we all edit experience, and may find that our picture of the past is defective or distorted. The mosaic of memories I had cherished from this early stage of my life had to be re-jigged at this meeting, to accommodate the fragments that other people offered. But even if a reunion stirs you up in strange ways, it can still bring rewards. You may renew friendships, make discoveries, share memories and glean new contacts and inspirations to enhance your current life.

So if that invitation arrives from school, college or your former workplace, don’t pass up the chance if you can help it. Summon your courage, your memories and your good will — then go out there and enjoy!

• Fear and excitement create very similar effects, both physically and emotionally. Don’t mistake stage fright for genuine reluctance to participate.
• Choose a good time to arrive, according to your preferred style of interaction. Think swimming pool — toe in the water, or jump in? Be early if you’d like to get your bearings first. Come later if you prefer to dive straight into a mix of faces and chatter.
• Don’t worry if you can’t remember everyone. Sometimes memories take time to surface, and you probably didn’t know each person well anyway.
• Take photos. It might seem a distraction at the time, but you will value having those pictures later.
• Circulate. Don’t miss the opportunity to meet a wider variety of your old colleagues or class-mates. And politely move on from anyone who wants to hog your attention for too long.
• Keep an open mind about people — a person with whom you had little in common in earlier years may now be a kindred spirit.
• If you are meeting in the original place of your connection (school, college, workplace, etc.) take the opportunity to explore the physical space. It can act as a memory prompt.
• Ask for a contact list to be circulated after the event. There may be people who you couldn’t locate at the reunion and would like to exchange a word with afterwards.
• Regression is the norm! Be happy to go back in time, just for this one enchanted day.
• Be confident in who you are, and what you’ve achieved. Don’t compare yourself with others. If someone is boasting, keep in mind that they might be doing this to prop up their insecurity. Just go into neutral, listen, and then move on.
• Think up some specific incidents or details to share from your past before you come, so that you’ll always have an ice-breaker.
• Be willing to open up to other people’s memories, which may not always tally with yours. We all edit memory, so rather than block out anything that doesn’t accord with your picture of events, listen and then ponder what they’ve said at a later time. Even the painful bits.
• As soon as you can afterwards, jot down or voice record some notes about who you met and what you discovered together. Even if you are exhausted, gather your treasure before it slips out of sight.
• Have a good time! And bring a little happiness to others too. You are all the stars of your day.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/surviving-the-class-reunion-where-past-and-present-collide/