Best of Our Blogs: March 4, 2016

Maya Angelou infamously said these words: “When you know better, you do better.”

Sometimes it takes our friends and family time to understand what we’re going through. Sometimes they never understand. The best we can hope for is to do better ourselves.

Sometimes loved ones make mistakes because they don’t know better. You might need to help them. If you’re suffering, tell them what you need instead of expecting them to know. Find others who can support you through your most difficult times. And if you know someone who is hurting, be there to listen, provide support and offer resources to help.

If we all work on being more compassionate to ourselves and others, the world would be a different place. Be kind and we can prevent some of the problems our bloggers below have had to endure. If we do this, we have a good chance of healing the world.

Reflecting on My Mother, Her Death, and Unintended Gifts
(Knotted) – Can you ever get over the loss of your difficult childhood? One daughter shares the harsh truth of life after growing up with a neglectful mother.

Narcissists Faced With Their Narcissism: Kablooey!
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – What happens when your family finds out you’ve been talking about them? Read the aftermath of Lenora’s family discovering her blog and how she dealt with it.

Five Areas of Emotional Health That Can Make or Break You
(NLP Discoveries) – Your greatest emotional issues could reside in these five areas. Here’s how your relationship with your feelings could be running or ruining your life.

Tell Your Therapist
(Therapy Soup) – Are you bouncing from one therapist to the next? This may be the reason.

9 Mental Benefits of Physical Exercise in Recovery
(One Sober Life) – We all know that exercise is good for the body. But research is showing it’s good for the mind too. From promoting creativity to reducing anxiety, these exercise benefits might just motivate you to get moving.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/04/best-of-our-blogs-march-4-2016/

Pictures of the day: 4th March 2016

Today: A beautiful sunrise, Kendall Jenner on the catwalk and The Queen








from Pictures of the day latest photographs from around the world http://telegraph.feedsportal.com/c/32726/f/568536/s/4e072eb6/sc/14/l/0L0Stelegraph0O0Cnews0Cpicturegalleries0Cpicturesoftheday0C121829470CPictures0Eof0Ethe0Eday0E4th0EMarch0E20A160Bhtml/story01.htm

A Sense of Loss: When My Therapist of 10 Years Retired

When I found out that my psychologist of ten years was going to retire, I was a little panicked. What would I do without her? She’d literally helped me raise my only child. She’d been there when I was up from a manic high and down when I was low from a depressive drop. She listened to my paranoid fears and my optimistic prayers.

But we had never touched each other. Not even a handshake. I had refrained from bodily contact with her on purpose. I hadn’t wanted to make her uncomfortable. Didn’t want to threaten her.

But on our last day together, I felt free enough to give her a hug. We embraced, and she patted me on the back. I knew she loved me, and I loved her.

I first went to Helen because I wasn’t bonding with the baby we had adopted from Guatemala. I was caring for Tommy — bathing him, feeding him, putting on his clothes — but he didn’t feel like my baby.

She sensed the problem immediately. As soon as I told her I was bipolar, she asked if I was getting enough sleep.

“Well, I’m getting up three times a night to feed Tommy.”

“That’s the problem,” she said. “You’ve got to stop the midnight feedings cold turkey. He’ll cry for a few nights, but he’ll adapt.”

And that’s just what I did. The first night, Tommy did wail. But by the fifth night, he slept silently through the whole evening. He turned out to be a very good sleeper.

I can’t say that this immediately solved the bonding problem. That would drag on for years.

Helen said that I would bond even more when Tommy acquired language. “That’s when the real bonding occurs,” she said.

And she was right. Once we could talk to each other, we grew closer.

I found out when Tommy was 10 that he was autistic. So the problem hadn’t been all on my end.

It’s been five months without Helen. I have a new psychologist who is just fine. I like her. I’m even beginning to feel real warmth towards her.

If you see a psychologist, you just have to know that one day you might lose them.

About two months into my therapy with my new psychologist, she asked me how I was dealing with the loss of Helen. I told her that it was like I’d lost a family member.

Tommy also has anxiety disorder. He’s afraid of many things. We’ve been told that he also has sensory integration issues. Last Thursday, the fifth grade went to a symphonic band concert at an old theater in Akron. His Intervention Specialist had tried to get him on the bus with the rest of the children, but he was too upset. She finally stopped pushing and kept him at school with her. I guess they worked on math problems while the rest of his class enjoyed symphonic band music.

It was the combination of going to a new place and potentially loud music. Both of those things bothered Tommy.

His friend, another autistic child, had gone to the concert successfully. The boy’s mother had jubilantly written about the success on Facebook. I couldn’t help but feel a little bitter.

Deep down, I wouldn’t want Tommy to be any different. When he’s happy, I’m happy. When he’s blue, so am I.

Tommy and his father are out walking. They’re at a neighborhood park, enjoying the fall leaves. Later we will journey to the local apple orchard, where Tommy will pick out a pumpkin, and we’ll inspect bags of apples. Then, there’s the apple cider. And the yearly freshly-baked apple pie. Steve will buy a pint of cinnamon whiskey, and we’ll make nightly toddies that burn our throats.

It’s fall.

Helen left in May.

It seems as if she waited to retire until I had my life together. She picked a good time to leave. Bipolar since 1991, I hadn’t felt better in 25 years. In a word, I was sane.

She realized that and decided to take her leave, her final bow.

I asked her if I could ever contact her again.

She graciously said, “When the dust has settled. I would like to know how you and Tommy are doing.”

I’ve spoken to her a couple times since we ended our professional relationship. I called to tell her about Tommy’s autism diagnosis. And I called her again to ask her if she cared that I wanted to write about her and what we’d gone through. She said she was OK with my writing about us, but she asked me to please change her name. Helen is not her real name.

Helen was a great doctor. She was not surprised by anything. She listened patiently. Helen helped me grow up.

My thirties were crazy; my forties were the tough years with Tommy. Now the fifties, yes the fifties, I’m finally at peace. I could have never gotten to this point without my dear coach — Helen.

I guess I also have to mention that during the time I was under Helen’s care, I had breast cancer. Stage two breast cancer.  I was diagnosed in 2011. Tommy was six.

My sickness completely destabilized him. They were calling me from his school and asking me to come pick up my little boy. He wouldn’t get up off the floor, lying face down, crying his eyes out. I got through it by not thinking about it. My husband Stephen took care of everything — Tommy, laundry, cooking. We didn’t talk much.

First came chemotherapy, many weeks of sitting in a big chemo chair, falling asleep while the meds, the poison, my oncologist was fond of calling it, dripped into me. After that was a double mastectomy, which really didn’t even hurt. The doctor insisted on putting in implants. I didn’t want them. This speaks to the great patriarchy which is our plastic surgery system. Finally, I lay on a table for six weeks of daily radiation therapy.

I think when I had the cancer, Helen was scared. I think she thought she might have to help me die.

But I pulled through. It’s now been four years since my diagnosis. I have one year to go until I can truly say I am a survivor.

I know a little bit about Helen. I know she spent her life in service of the mentally ill, that she has two sons and some grandkids, that she’s still married to her first husband, that she believes in God. That she was a God-send.

I’m not surprised by anything anymore.

I’m like Helen.

Good bye in clouds photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/03/my-life-with-helen/

Is Your Attitude about Money Hurting Your Relationship?

Money can be a sensitive topic in dating and marriage. Often cited as a cause of divorce, a conflict about money is usually a symptom of something else. Often the real issue is a lack of constructive communication by partners about what’s important to each of them.

Depending on who you are, talking about money with a partner may be taboo, acceptable, or somewhere in between. In many cultures and families, it is not okay to talk about money. In others, it’s fine to speak openly about it. Regardless of which category you fit into, understanding the source of your attitude can help you address money related concerns more successfully.    

How Money Views are Formed and Expressed

Joan: Money as Love

Two unspoken rules Joan learned early from her parents were that it was not okay to ask for money (taboo), but that it was fine to receive it when offered freely, as in her weekly allowance as a child. Even when she was a young single adult her father gave her a monthly check for a year to help with her expenses while she was getting her new business off the ground, which made Joan feel loved.  

When dating, Joan wanted the man to treat, as was traditional. Yet, influenced by feminism and thinking this was one of its rules, she felt obliged to offer to pay her share. The guy was supposed to read her mind, since it wasn’t okay to say what she really wanted — because of her don’t-ask-for-money rule. He was supposed to know she didn’t really mean it, was just being polite, and wasn’t a gold digger. If he let her pay, especially on a first date, she felt uncared for and there would be no second date.

Joan was dating with the hope of finding someone to marry. Her good looks and engaging directness attracted men easily. Yet her communication difficulties around money were creating roadblocks. How could men be expected to know what she really wanted?

Allison: Money as Control

Unlike Joan, who associated money with love, Allison viewed it as a source of power.

Allison says she pays for herself on dates because “I don’t want to be controlled.” In fact, she was divorced from a man who’d convinced her to let him support her. But then he’d behaved as though being the breadwinner entitled him to make all the spending and savings decisions. “No way do I want to repeat anything like that,” explains Allison.

Some men and women may think that whoever pays gets to call the shots, whether that means about where they go on a date or what one owes the other in return for his generosity. The anticipated payback could be a second date, physical intimacy, or something else.

Feelings about Money

How people deal with money in a relationship can produce strong feelings. We may feel more loved, less loved, or unloved, depending on whether the person is generous or withholding. Or we may experience our own or our partner’s handling of money as an attempt to gain more power in the relationship.

Or, like some women, we may feel entitled to be supported by a man, whether from cultural conditioning or something else. A couple of middle-aged participants in one of my “Marry with Confidence” workshops for women were living hand to mouth and looking for a husband to support them financially. I felt sad for them because they are heading toward a possible power imbalance in the relationship, and consequently, a building of resentment. I don’t recommend being on either end of such an arrangement. A fulfilling relationship requires that both partners are in it mainly for emotional and spiritual fulfillment, not because of money.  

Women who know they can manage okay on their own financially are more able to create a collaborative relationship of two equal partners. It is quite possible for a man to provide financial support with no strings attached, but this is more likely to happen if the woman has her own resources so that she is not truly dependent upon him, because money certainly can convey power.

So if you want to enter a relationship as an equal, do your best to first make yourself self-reliant financially.

What does Money Mean to You?

If you sense a conflict arising around money, be aware of what money represents to you. Is the issue really about a perceived power imbalance or about your feeling unloved? For example, such feeling may arise when you perceive that your partner is withholding money, which you’d like to go toward purchasing a car, flowers, a night on the town, or something else.  

If money is too sensitive a topic for the two of you to discuss on your own, seeing a couples therapist or financial planner might help you get past the blockage. Both partners should express their views and hear each other’s. Take a few deep breaths. Say what you want and need calmly and respectfully and hear your partner’s perspective. Often this type of communication will result in mutual understanding and appreciation, which most likely brings a sense that you care for, appreciate, and love each other, regardless of what compromise or accommodation might result from the discussion.  

Joan Breaks her “Don’t Ask” Rule

So what happened to Joan, who was experiencing difficulties about how to deal with money in dating situations? A new man in her life, Barry called to ask her out for a first date. She’d liked his easy-going nature and sincerity, felt comfortable talking to him when they’d met at a singles event a few days earlier.

Joan told him on the phone about her plan to see a play on her own that Saturday night and suggested that he might want to join her. When he agreed, this time Joan, needing clarity, surprised herself by blurting out, “Are you planning to treat?” When Barry said yes, he qualified himself as a mensch, and ten months later, as her husband. They’ve been married for over twenty-five years now.

Know Yourself

Fairness can be a murky concept. It’s fine to keep it in mind, but don’t let it muddy the waters. The main idea is to recognize and discuss your feelings, wants, and needs, to hear those of your partner in order to gain understanding and solutions that fit for both of you.    

By gaining self-understanding about our own attitudes towards money, we can begin to deal more constructively with financial matters in dating and marriage. Learn to communicate about money constructively, first to yourself, perhaps by journaling, and without shame. You’re entitled to all of them, as is your partner to his. And they do not have to be rational.

The following exercises may help you sort out your beliefs about money, what it represents to you, and how create an arrangement that satisfies both of you.

Exercise #1: Identifying Attitudes about Money. Do you view money as:

• A source of security?

• A scarce commodity that could disappear so you might end up as a “bag lady”?

• A means of controlling or being controlled?

• Showing love when spent on you or by you?

• Something else?

• Something best not to talk about with your partner? If yes, why not? Identify your fear.

• From where did you acquire these beliefs?

Exercise #2: What’s fair?

• If he earns twice as much as you, should he pay twice as much toward expenses?

What if you earn more?

• If married, should we share all money each earns? Should we have a joint checking account and/or separate ones? Share credit cards?
• How will things change if and when a baby is born?
• If I quit my job to be a stay at home mother, does he get to make the financial decisions because he’s the “breadwinner?”
• What if he becomes a stay at home dad and I’m the sole earner?
• What if one of us enters the marriage with significantly more assets than the other? How does that influence our decisions about money?
• What if one of us owns a house prior to marriage, and the other does not? What agreement can we come to?
• Will the two of us collaborate regarding important financial decisions? Or will one of us, explicitly or implicitly, be in charge?  

Exercise 3: Clarifying Expectations before Marriage

• Who will pay the bills for housing, utilities, vacations, entertainment, and so on?
• Will each of us have discretionary money, an amount we can spend on whatever we wish? Or will we need to agree on every expenditure?
• Will we have joint savings, checking, or investment accounts, separate ones, or some joint and some separate?  
• Will both of us work?

 

Woman with piggy bank photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/03/women-money-and-relationships/

10 Simple Steps to Stop Procrastination

Everyone puts off things. Sometimes this becomes a habit that’s difficult to overcome. When not doing what needs to be done gets in the way of everyday living, prevents you from achieving your goals or contributes to a sense of unhappiness, loss of self-esteem or loneliness, it’s time to take action.

These ten simple steps may be just what you need to stop procrastination.

1. Break it up.

The whole may be too much to contend with, so the easiest way to overcome a tendency to put things off is to break a project or task into smaller pieces. Call them bite-size chunks.

Not only is the resulting amount of work more manageable, it doesn’t loom as overwhelming. Besides, once you complete the smaller piece of the task, you can relish the feeling of accomplishment. This helps reinforce your determination to tackle other things on your list.

2. Have a plan.

It won’t do you any good to simply break up a task into parts, however manageable, if you don’t also come up with an action plan. Just as you wouldn’t wade into a pool without knowing the depth or having a rescue route handy, jumping into a task or project without a clear picture of what’s involved and how you’re going to handle it will jeopardize the outcome. Instead of seeing the finish line, you might give up at the first hurdle.

A plan, while not foolproof, will at least provide a roadmap that you can refer to. Without a plan, the tendency is to use any excuse to put off doing anything further.

3. Just begin at the beginning.

You need to start somewhere, and that isn’t at the middle or the end of what needs to be done. Sure, you can tackle some parts of the whole that don’t necessarily follow in order, but that’s after you start at the beginning. When you first approach a task or project, you need a sense of where you’re going to go, what’s needed, how you’re going to handle distractions, delays and obstacles. Along with the plan and having broken the whole into manageable parts, starting at the beginning can give you a sense of motivation and determination to see the project through.

4. Create a ritual for starting.

One way to cultivate a good habit is to create a so-called starting ritual. If you’re about to undertake a project or task and find it tough to get motivated, making use of a familiar ritual for starting may help. This might involve doing warm-up exercises, going for a latte, eating a good breakfast, incorporating a few reminders, post-it notes, calls from a loved one or friend or something else.

Do this ritual every time you start a project — the more difficult and anxiety-producing, the more you need a starting ritual.

5. Create a keystone habit.

One of the secrets of highly successful people is that they build in what are called keystone habits. One of the best examples of a keystone habit is exercise. When you exercise regularly, all sorts of benefits result. You eat healthier, sleep better, become more toned, may lose weight, feel better about yourself, enjoy a sense of self-accomplishment and, as a result, you stop procrastinating. Figure out what your keystone habit is and incorporate it into your routine.

6. Give yourself a pep talk.

What you have to do may not be the most pleasant task, or it might take time you’d rather devote to something else. Still, if something needs to be done and you’re the one to do it, give yourself a pep talk to boost your motivation. Remind yourself why you’re doing this in the first place. Recognize that putting this off won’t help with your list of other things to do. Getting a jump on this task right now is one way to stop procrastination before it starts.

7. Ask for help when you need it.

Many times an unexpected hurdle or addition to the project or task throws you for a loop. You’re already overwhelmed and are working as hard and fast as you can. It’s okay to ask for help when this occurs. In fact, it’s the smart thing to do.

Be sure you’re not trying to foist your responsibilities on someone else’s shoulders, but don’t be afraid to enlist others’ help when necessary. This helps stop procrastination in its tracks.

8. Know when something’s unworkable.

If a project or task becomes so muddled or riddled with problems and delays that to continue on is foolhardy, you need to know it’s unworkable and get out. This isn’t the same thing as quitting because something’s hard. Some projects or tasks just can’t be completed in the time or set of circumstances at hand.

For example, your loved one is addicted to alcohol or drugs and you’re trying to shore up the relationship by taking on the responsibilities of that person. This is called enabling and it’s no good for either of you. By being co-dependent, you’re reinforcing your loved one’s addiction. This is a situation where you, along with your loved one, could benefit from professional counseling.

Not recognizing what’s going on or trying to avoid it is a form of procrastination. Again, asking for help when you need it is a wise choice.

9. Build in costs or consequences for delays.

If stopping a project or task is what you’re used to doing, breaking this habit might require building in some costs or consequences for delays. For example, if you have a tendency to endlessly surf the Internet to avoid tending to duties or work items, and it’s the end of the day and you’ve accomplished little that you set out to do, give yourself some meaningful consequence for your inattention to what needed to be done. This takes some discipline and won’t work for everyone. That’s because it’s too easy to self-rationalize that you need some time for yourself.

Let’s say you regularly log into a website to play games and this winds up eating away hours. Make your password incredibly difficult and keep it locked away. Taking longer to retrieve it may be enough to dissuade you from wasting time better spent doing what you’re supposed to.

10. Treat yourself for success.

Nothing motivates more than a reward for a job well done, or a job that you complete, period. After working so hard to get through the project or task, one excellent way to reinforce this good behavior is to treat yourself. Whether it’s a latte with a friend, taking a half hour for a nap, reading a chapter of a book, walking in nature or talking with someone you love, this reward will help solidify a healthy pattern of ticking off items on your to-do list.

Frustrated woman photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/03/10-simple-steps-to-stop-procrastination/

Pictures of the day: 3rd March 2016

A colourful sunset, a spring-cleaning oxpecker and a Jumbo restaurant








from Pictures of the day latest photographs from around the world http://telegraph.feedsportal.com/c/32726/f/568536/s/4e001bd2/sc/26/l/0L0Stelegraph0O0Cnews0Cpicturegalleries0Cpicturesoftheday0C121818860CPictures0Eof0Ethe0Eday0E3rd0EMarch0E20A160Bhtml/story01.htm

The Surprising, Deeper Reason Introverts Avoid Small Talk

It ALL makes sense now.

I’m definitely an introvert. It’s not that I constantly sit by myself in a corner and never talk to people. I can be social, but I also get overwhelmed in social situations. I’m famous for leaving parties early.

I enjoy spoken word and comedy shows, so I’m forced to go out and see people. Often times, I’m required to speak to people before or after a show and make small talk. Small talk isn’t my jam. I’ve crossed the street to avoid talking to people.

We introverts aren’t great at small talk; in fact, we aren’t good at it at all.

Science Says Having Sex Increases Brain Power

A piece on The Huffington Post revealed the rationality behind why introverts have issues with small talk. The reason introverts would rather hide out in the frozen foods section of the grocery store than talk to an ex-classmate is because it feels completely false and meaningless.

When you’re stuck at a party and find yourself talking about the appetizers with someone you barely know, you’re not learning anything new or even getting to know your conversation partner any better.

Psychologist Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength, contends that small talk actually blocks true interaction.

“Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people,” she writes in her book. “We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.”

People who are introverted tend to prefer substantial conversations about philosophy and ideas rather than chit-chat. In fact, introverts can get easily intimidated, bored or exhausted by small talk. They’d much rather be real with someone and talk about more weighty topics.

Besides feeling fake and pointless, small talk drains an introvert’s limited people-energy. If you look at the energy supply that introverts have for social interaction as a battery, their battery gains or loses energy depending on the social interaction.

6 Twisted Confusing Things All Master Emotional Manipulators Do

If they’re speaking to a friend about a topic that fascinates them, their battery is recharged and at full capacity again. However, if they’re waiting in line at the post office and someone they barely know is going on and on about the horrible service, all the energy has drained out of the battery.

Unfortunately, to succeed in the world you need to be able to make small talk without feeling like you need to retire to a cave for a few months. The key to surviving making small talk tolerable and less draining is to take control of the conversation and steer it toward topics that are actually interesting.

Introverts get energized and excited by ideas. Delve in and ask questions, and if they ask you a question, give them an interesting, more-than-one-word response. Make those questions interesting and creative: “What can you tell me about your latest project?”

The upside to asking questions and listening to the responses with interest, is that you’ll be more likable and make a better impression. Knowing that might help make small talk a little easier.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The REAL Reason Introverts Absolutely Hate Small Talk.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/03/02/the-surprising-deeper-reason-introverts-avoid-small-talk/