Life 2.0: Coping with Divorce

If there was one thing in my life I knew for certain, it was that my wife and I were going to be together forever. That was until Christmas Eve 2014 when suddenly my life was turned upside down and the previously inconceivable idea that we wouldn’t be together, became a reality. This solid structure we spent years building together suddenly came crashing down.

At the time of events, we’d been married for 8 years and together for a total of 15 years — 40% of my entire life — and it was near impossible to imagine life without her. During the first twelve months of our separation, I had two recurring visuals. The first was of myself running shirtless, feverishly as fast as I could, down the sidewalk of a crowded Los Feliz Blvd, through concerned and confused onlookers walking three abreast, to where I don’t know. The other visual was of myself trying to keep afloat deep in a wild river, desperately trying to pull myself upstream over jagged rocks, until I realized that my attempts were useless and that it was time to let go. Surrendering, the raging waters led me down to a calmer, winding river taking me where I’m meant to be.

In addition to attending therapy on Friday afternoons, I read articles about separation, divorce, change, how to cope with loss, and how to move on. I read how many divorced men isolate themselves and become more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure, and strokes than married men. More troubling, I read how divorced men are also more likely to commit suicide than married men.

I discovered articles from others who’d been through a divorce who shared how no matter what, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you will survive this. There was a period where I honestly wasn’t sure that I was going to be one of those who’d get through this. I knew I had a choice either to sink or swim. I thought about those who get stuck, those unable to turn their life around, and the very fear of drowning from this provided me with enough motivation to swim to the top.

I was determined to not just survive but harness the energy to inspire change and experience the wisdom that grief offers, and hopefully to later help others.

What I’ve learned over the past two and half years is that grief takes time and it goes through various stages and in various phases. There is no fast-forward button. You need to be present, you need to be kind to yourself and you need be patient. You will slip up every now and then, be it through ruminating over events or perhaps escaping through bad habits like drinking too much, but you need to stay determined that you will get through this.

Initially, all you’ll want is either for your life to miraculously go back to how it was — whether those times were actually good or bad — or you’ll want to magically come through the other side, land on your feet, and move effortlessly into your new life.

The fact is you can’t speed through the stages. In an attempt to understand and reconcile why and how you’ve been forced to go through this grief, there will be times where you will “make sense” of your grief because it has now perhaps led you down this new path that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. It’s only natural that we try to make sense of events. There’s nothing wrong with this; in our grief we need something to hold onto — we need to know that this hurt is not in vain. The truth is, even if our separation or divorce awoke something in us and led us down a new path, it’s important to be know that our new path we’re on won’t always be an easy, straight line. There will be uneven surfaces, you will walk two steps forward and one back, and the path will get obscured or lead you to what appears to be one dead end after another. But you have to trust and believe you are on the right path and you just need to keep walking.

Life after separation or divorce is a journey. It is a journey of discovery and rediscovery. Healing from your loss doesn’t mean you no longer feel sadness when thinking about your ex, the memories and the life you shared together, but learning and growing from the experience to bring you closer to yourself.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/02/life-2-0-coping-with-divorce/

Choice, Indecision, and Guilt

Any time we make a choice, we choose one thing and not another. One path is taken; another is abandoned. One choice lives, another dies. Why do I say dies? The Latin root of “decide” is “de-cidere.” The meaning of “cidere” is “to kill,” as in homicide and suicide. Every choice is a murder. To avoid this murder, we may keep ourselves stuck in indecision. Thus, to avoid indecision, we must bear the guilt of killing a choice.

We cannot do everything in this life. Choices are nearly infinite; our lifespans are finite. Although we hope to have it all, we can’t. We always make choices, even if the choice is not to decide. Choices trigger guilt because when we choose, we choose what we want. And what we want may not be what a loved one wants. By our choices, we reveal to loved ones that we are not them. We want what we want, and they want what they want. And they should! Why? Because they are not us.

We risk hurting people when our desires differ from theirs. For example, someone might want to be our friend, but we don’t want to be their friend. Or perhaps a client wants to make an appointment, having heard wonderful things about our work, but we don’t have time in our schedule. These acquaintances may feel disappointed, and we may feel a twinge of guilt, knowing that if we had extended ourselves we could have pleased them. But if we had extended ourselves in these situations, we would have merely chosen to avoid the guilt that comes from saying no to the desire of another person.

We must be able to bear this guilt over choosing, over killing choices, and over killing certain kinds of relationships. Once we choose one future, we kill off another future. Once we choose one kind of relationship, we kill off another relationship. Once we choose one person, we do not choose another. Even a polyamorous person chooses not to be monogamous. Every choice for one thing rules out other choices. Death, guilt, and limits are woven into the very fabric of our lives.

When faced with indecision, ask yourself these three questions:

Am I making this choice based on desire or fear?

We often let fear make our decisions, allowing fear to control our lives instead of us. We almost always fear change. That doesn’t mean we should not take the next step. It means that this feeling of fear is the next step toward change. When we desire change, fear of change will arise. Our task is to walk toward that fear, for fear points to the depths of ourselves that we long to find.

Am I indecisive because I don’t want to disappoint someone else?

If you are yourself, you will always disappoint others who wish you were the same as their fantasy. If you accept that they are disappointed, they will more quickly be able to accept the reality of you. If you remain indecisive for fear of disappointing others, you will disappoint yourself. You will crucify yourself on the cross of their wishes.

Am I indecisive because I don’t feel ready?

We are never ready for life. Life shows up whether we are ready or not. We learn through living, not through waiting. When you accept that we are never ready for life, you can walk into life, ready to fail, ready to fall, and ready to learn. And through this emotional courage of learning through living, you will find the wisdom you have been looking for.

If we cannot bear the guilt that comes with choosing, we make the suicidal choice: indecision. Through indecision we try to avoid the murder of making a choice. But by not choosing, by remaining stuck, we kill off our lives, trying to stop the river while the river continues to flow. Or we wait for life to make the choices for us and it does. As time goes by, the time for college passes, the time for having children passes, the time for a career passes, and then finally the river flows over the waterfall, and we are plunging to our deaths, wondering why we were paralyzed. And then we face the guilt over our unlived life, the life that could have unfolded if only we had made a decision.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/02/choice-indecision-and-guilt/

When Parenting Gets the Best of You

You are the parent of adorable little kids whom you dearly love. Though most of the time you enjoy being with them, there are those other moments when you don’t. Indeed, the truth of your darkest moments may be hard for you to accept.

An example:

Joanna had just put her infant son down for a nap. Her 3-year-old son was in his room, quietly playing with his toys. Whew, a chance for me to relax, she thought.

A little while later she thought she’d better check on her son. When she entered his room, her rage was instantaneous! She grabbed him by the arm; flung the crayons across the room; cursed him out and smacked his behind as hard as she could. What had her little guy done? He displayed his artistry all over the new wallpaper.

Now the 3-year-old was screaming hysterically, the baby was awakened and her 5-year-old would be arriving home from school any moment. “This is crazy,” she thought. “I used to be a sane, normal human being. How did I ever get into this nuttiness?”

“I love you.”

“I can’t stand you.”

“I’m so miserable.”

“I’m so sorry.”

This is the emotional roller coaster of love, anger, depression and guilt that makes up the daily existence of many parents, especially moms who are with their kids most of the day or who arrive home exhausted from work, with little patience to spare.

Yes, everyone knows that parenting is a tough job. Thus, no one — except one who has never been a parent — expects you not to lose your cool at times. But what if you don’t just get upset when your kid doesn’t listen to you, you blow a gasket. What if you don’t just raise your voice when your kid misbehaves, you rip into him.

Such intense feelings, which are more common than many realize, I call “normal crazy.” “Normal” because so many parents experience them. “Crazy” because somehow that nice, calm, reasonable adult finds that she or he (yes, it’s not only moms) has turned into a shrieking, screaming out-of-control loco.   

If you experience these heavy emotions, it’s no use just stuffing them, denying them or hiding them so nobody — except your kids — know they’re there.  

So what can you do?

I wish there were a magic formula I could give you that would change things for you right away. But I don’t. Why not? Because programming a computer is a piece of cake compared to programming your emotions while parenting. With a computer, you create your own little universe and then it does what you tell it to do. Great! With parenting, you create your own little universe and then your little ones do whatever spurs them on at the moment. Frustration!

So, is there nothing that one can do to quell one’s “normal crazy” emotions?

By far, focused psychotherapy is the best answer. And yet, so many people hesitate to even try it, thinking “who needs to know my darkest secrets; I’ve been doing just fine keeping everything to myself.”

Yet, once you find the courage to talk about it, you become open to learning more effective ways to handle your anger, your anxiety, your expectations, your need for control. In addition, you may not only learn more effective parenting and communication skills, you may also discover how to structure your day so that you create more adult time, more learning time, more alone time.

If intense emotions are getting the best of you, ignoring them may seem to be the best strategy, at first. But living a rose-colored lie works for only so long. In contrast, learning how to manage and express those pent-up emotions will set you free. Free to be a better parent. Free to be a better you.

©2016

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/02/when-parenting-gets-the-best-of-you/

Resolutions Don’t Work — Use This Method Instead

A new year is here and you’re probably mapping out what you want to accomplish in 12 months ahead.

Whether you’re resolving to leave your dead-end job, speak up more in meetings or finally get started on the side projects you’ve been putting off, there’s one indisputable truth that’s impossible to ignore: change is hard.

Nearly one-half of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, but just 8% follow-through and accomplish their goals.

Most of us are familiar with the cycle: You’re jazzed in January only to find yourself derailed and demotivated within a few weeks. You beat yourself up for failing to achieve your full potential despite your best intentions.

But creating deep, lasting change is less about willpower and more about designing smart, effective goals.

Try this new method to set New Year’s resolutions that create real results.

Turn Resolutions Into Questions

Asking questions and then answering them — instead of making statements — is a more effective method for sticking to your promises, research finds.

Enter: the “Questolution”.

Instead of pledging to start a business in the New Year, it would be more effective to ask “How might I go about getting my first client?” or “What commitments might prevent me from going all in?”

This type of solution-oriented inquiry has been shown to produce consistent, significant changes in a variety of contexts from exercise and eating healthier to voting and gender stereotyping.

Why It Works

A question is a puzzle. It prompts a psychological response. Once question has been raised, the mind almost can’t help trying to solve or answer it.

By posing your resolution in the form of a question rather than a statement, you begin to engage with it. Your brain goes to work breaking down the problem, sequencing next steps and creating a path to success.

Questions spark creative, flexible thinking. Embracing challenges with curiosity helps liberate you from a perfectionist mindset and worrying about the “right” way you “should” go about achieving your goals.

Questolutions For Success

Asking ambitious, yet actionable, questions can shift the way you think  — and can serve as a catalyst to bring about change. They can help you get unstuck and rediscover momentum in your life or career.

Use the prompts below to create your own questolutions:

How might I…
… fit exercise into my day?
… double my income?

What if I…
… blogged regularly?
… spent one hour a week learning a new skill?

What do I need/want…
…to add to my workspace to make it more comfortable?
… to let go to feel more confident about my ability to succeed?

If you’re more of the journaling type, get a printable goal-setting worksheet here

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/01/resolutions-dont-work-use-this-method-instead/

Happy New Year 2017!

With another year behind us, we have a lot to look forward to in 2017 for mental health. The biggest win for some people with mental illness was the passage of the 21st Century Cures Act, a law that includes a partial fix and reworking of some of the ways the U.S. federal government supports mental health.

But with another passing year, we’ve also lost a lot of wonderful people who helped the support the cause of mental health, most recently Carrie Fisher. I suppose it’s the nature of time marching on that, of course, it cannot be stopped. And we’ve had some political changes in this country that seemingly are opening up greater divides between citizens. 2016 is a year that will be remembered in history books, but the real question you have to ask yourself is: will it be remembered in your personal history book?

After all, what matters most to most of us is what happens to us personally, in our own lives. Changes in governments, changes in laws, changes in policies — most of these tend not to affect us individually. What does seem to have the most impact in our daily lives are the big stressors: illness, the loss of a loved one or a close relationship, getting or losing a job, getting married, moving, or having a great personal achievement (like getting a degree or finishing something you’ve worked for years doing). These are the kinds of things that we mark in our own personal history books. These are how we usually remember the years gone by.

Speaking of remembering, if you’re doing some resolutions for the new year, please keep in mind our usual maxim — stick to measurable, concrete, smaller, realistic changes. Don’t say, “I’m going to lose weight and be super-thin this year!” Instead try, “I’m going to make more healthy eating choices every day, exercise at least 3 times a week, and work on a healthier self-image.” Counting pounds usually is not a good strategy. Big changes are hard, but small changes also require dedication and regular mindful vigilance. If change were easy, self-help books would’ve replaced psychotherapy 40 years ago!

Closer to home, we’ve seen Psych Central continue to grow and reach over 80 million people in 2016. That’s a huge and humbling number — one that I really cannot wrap my mind around when I consider what a small, close-knit team keeps the site growing. I am so thankful and appreciative of everyone who visits us throughout the year — and my staff, whom I couldn’t do it without them.

We launched a new podcast this past year, The Psych Central Show. Please check out the archives and give the show a listen! If you like it, I appreciate your subscribing to the show on iTunes or the Google Play Music store, and telling your friends about it.

To all of our loyal, regular Psych Central readers, I wish you a very Happy New Year!

I hope that 2017 is a good year for you and your friends & family. May the year be full of the things that bring you more happiness in your life and if you’re one to make resolutions, I hope you can stick with them!

We here at Psych Central wish you a very prosperous one in whatever you do.

And if you need a little help with your resolutions or making the most of your New Year, please check out our annual New Year’s Guide. And check out some of these most recent entries:

• 6 Ways to Create (and Keep) New Year’s Resolutions in 2017

• Moving from New Year’s Resolutions to Setting Intentions: 5 Tips to Help You Start

• Forget the “New Year, New Me” Goal Hype – Consider Focusing on Life Habits Instead
• 12 Simple New Year’s Resolutions
• Turning New Years Resolutions into Healthy Habits that Last with More Ease and Less Willpower
• 10 Sure Ways to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/01/happy-new-year-2017/

9 Ways to Promote Gratitude in Your Life

Gratitude is good for us every way you look at it.

According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of California in Riverside, it boosts our happiness levels in a number of ways: by promoting the savoring of positive life experiences, by bolstering self-worth and self-esteem and thereby helping to cope with stress and trauma, by building social bonds and encouraging moral behavior, and by diminishing negative emotions and helping us adjust to new situations.

Gratitude has a number of health benefits as well. “Research suggests that individuals who are grateful in their daily lives actually report fewer stress-related health symptoms, including headaches, gastrointestinal (stomach) issues, chest pain, muscle aches, and appetite problems,” says Sheela Raja, PhD, an assistant professor and clinical psychologist in the Colleges of Medicine and Dentistry at the University of Illinois in Chicago.

But how do we get there? For some folks, gratitude is much easier than for others. I, for one, have to work really hard at it because my cup usually appears one-third full. With a few exercises, though, I can become a more grateful person and promote gratitude in my life, which brings many emotional and physical gifts.

1. Go Ahead and Compare

I constantly compare myself to people who are more productive than I am (have more energy and need less sleep), who go to a doctor once a year, and who are resilient to stress. “Why can’t I be like her?” I ask myself. And then I remember Helen Keller’s quote: “Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.”

Her wisdom forces me to go back and remember all the people I know that can’t work at all because of their chronic illnesses, those with unsupportive spouses who don’t understand depression, and the folks I know that can’t afford a monthly pass to Bikram yoga or kale and dandelion greens to make smoothies. Suddenly, my jealousy has turned to gratitude.

2. Write Thank-You Letters

According to University of California at Davis psychologist Robert Emmons, PhD, a powerful exercise in cultivating gratitude is to compose a “gratitude letter” to a person who has made a positive and lasting influence in your life. Dr. Emmons, who also wrote Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier, says the letter is especially powerful when you haven’t properly thanked the person in the past, and when you read the letter aloud to the person face to face. I do this as part of my holiday cards, especially to former professors or teachers who helped shape my future and inspired me in ways they might not know.

3. Keep a Gratitude Journal

According to Dr. Lyubomirsky, keeping a gratitude journal (in which you record all the things you have to be grateful for once a week) and other gratitude exercises can increase your energy, and relieve pain and fatigue. A study published in the Journal of Research in Personality documented a group of 90 undergraduate students. Divided into two groups, the first wrote about a positive experience each day for two minutes, and the second wrote about a control topic. Three months later, the students who wrote about positive experiences had better mood levels, fewer visits to the health center, and experienced fewer illnesses.

In my daily mood journal, I make a list of each day’s “little joys”: moments that I would fail to appreciate if I didn’t make myself record them, such as a gorgeous, 70-degree day in November; a supply of dark chocolate; the feeling of exhilaration I have after completing a 90-minute class of Bikram yoga; and an afternoon with only one meltdown from my kids.

4. Ask Yourself These Four Questions

Byron Katie’s bestseller, Loving What Is, is helping me analyze my thinking in a way that is unique to the tools I’ve learned in other self-help books. I am much more aware of the stories I weave in my mind without much analysis as to whether or not they are true. You need to read the book to fully understand her process called “The Work,” but here’s the Reader’s Digest version.

For every problem you’re having, or every negative rumination you can’t let go of, ask yourself these four questions: Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? How do you react when you think that thought? Who would you be without that thought? You have to record the answers on paper for it to be fully effective. After going through the exercise a few times, I realized the thoughts I had about certain people and events were causing the suffering I had, not the people and events themselves. This enables you to embrace those people and events with gratitude — to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, in general — because you know that they aren’t the problem. Your stories are.

5. Shift Your Language

According to Andrew Newberg, MD, and Mark Robert Waldman, words can literally change your brain. In their book, Words Can Change Your Brain, they write, “a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.” Positive words, like “peace” and “love,” can alter the expression of genes, strengthening areas in our front lobes and promoting the cognitive functioning of the brain. They propel the motivational centers of the brain into action, explain the authors, and build resiliency.

Lately I’ve been trying to catch myself when profanity or something negative is about to come out of my mouth. I’m not all that good at this, but I definitely believe that words have power, and that by making a few subtle shifts in our language, we can promote gratitude and can generate better health for ourselves.

6. Serve

Service promotes gratitude more directly than any other path I know. Whenever I’m stuck in self-pity or depression, feeling personally victimized by the universe, the fastest way out of my head and into my heart is reaching out to someone who is in pain — especially similar pain. That’s the reason I created my online depression support groups Project Beyond Blue and Group Beyond Blue. For five years, I couldn’t get rid of debilitating death thoughts after experimenting with almost every therapy that both traditional and alternative medicine had to offer. By participating in a forum where folks are in more pain than I am — and where I can share my hard-earned insights and resources — I am made aware of the blessings in my life that I had forgotten or simply took for granted.

7. Hang With Positive People

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, including yourself.” Research confirms that. In one study conducted by Nicholas Christakis, MD, PhD, of Harvard Medical School, and James Fowler, PhD, of the University of California in San Diego, individuals who associated themselves with happy people were more likely to be happy themselves.

Another study by psychological scientists Gerald Haeffel, PhD, and Jennifer Hames of the University of Notre Dame, showed that risk factors for depression can actually be contagious when our social environments are in flux. So there’s a better shot of your becoming a more grateful, positive person if you surround yourself with grateful people.

8. Make a Gratitude Ritual

One family I know has a gratitude ritual every night at dinner. After prayers, each person goes around the table saying something positive that happened to him or her that day — one thing for which he or she is grateful. In our home, we’re lucky to get everyone seated without a meltdown, so I’ve filed this exercise for down the road a little — maybe after hormones are stabilized. But I thought it was a really nice way of cultivating gratitude as a family and teaching that value to non-hormonal kids.

9. Try a Loving-Kindness Meditation

In a landmark study published in the Journal of Personal and Social Psychology, Barbara Fredrickson, PhD, and her team showed that practicing seven weeks of loving-kindness meditation increased gratitude as well as a host of other positive emotions. The benefits intensified over time, producing a range of other health benefits: increased mindfulness, purpose in life, social support, and decreased symptoms of illness. Sociologist Christine Carter, PhD, with University of California Berkley’s Greater Good Science Center, gives a nice overview of how to do a simple loving-kindness meditation in five minutes a day on her blog. She writes:

Because research demonstrates the incredible power of loving-kindness meditation: No need to be self-conscious when this stuff might be more effective than Prozac. Also called metta, loving-kindness meditation is the simple practice of directing well-wishes towards other people.

Join ProjectBeyondBlue.com, the new depression community.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/01/9-ways-to-promote-gratitude-in-your-life/

5 Tips on How to Get Started When There’s Work to Do

“A feeling of aversion or attachment toward something is your clue that there’s work to be done.” – Ram Dass

Ever wake up with a feeling of dread about some project or task you’ve got on your list of things to do today? This is a common feeling that no one likes but must learn how to deal with. There are also times when the opposite is true. Sometimes you wake up knowing what you must do today and just can’t wait to get started.

Either feeling — aversion or excitement — is a clear sign that there’s work to be done and you need to do it. The way you deal with either emotion will affect not only your motivation to keep going, particularly when the going gets rough, but also the resulting outcome.

How can you turn dread or anticipation into action that makes sense, is effective, and allows you to feel a sense of accomplishment and increased self-esteem? Here are some tips to help get you started.

• Take a minute to process the emotion — and don’t be overcome by it.

No doubt the prospect of diving into a mountain of tax receipts on deadline is the last thing you want to do, or you might just be so eager to get on the road on your vacation that you slip and fall out of bed. Take a minute to process whatever emotion you’re feeling before you get up. This gives your mind time to arrive at a game plan and put your thoughts in order before you need to do the work. Be aware that conflicting emotions can occur simultaneously. That’s OK. Acknowledge them, then proceed.

• Learn to separate what’s nice from what’s necessary.

Both will not be true. You might find it pleasant to think about taking a swim in the ocean but you know that report for work demands your immediate attention. It might feel great to lounge around all day in your sweats but you’ve got clients to see, and such attire is no way to make a good impression. It’s fine to indulge yourself in thinking about what’s nice, but don’t dally. Get on with what’s necessary. The bonus here is that by dwelling briefly on what beckons gives you temporary satisfaction before you dive into the work that must be done.

• Prioritize tasks and give yourself sufficient time to complete them.

Either take projects in order or arrange them according to a prioritization that works for you. Do the most difficult one first to make some headway at it, or start with some quick and easy ones you can get out of the way so that you feel a sense of making progress. Once you finish one, cross it off your list. This is a visual reminder that effort equals accomplishment.

• If you’ve fallen behind, work out a plan that won’t overwhelm you.

Everybody gets swamped at times. Instead of tossing your hands in the air and writing off the project or task as hopeless, figure out a plan or approach that will be effective and won’t overwhelm you. This is a case where the intention to underpromise and overdeliver will pay off nicely. You’ll gradually become accustomed to the pace you’re comfortable maintaining and can better estimate the amount of time and effort specific tasks will take.

• Recognize that work — what you do — is the best way to show who and what you are.

Another way to get started with work to be done is to keep in mind that your output is a clear way to show others who and what you are. Since no two people approach a project the same way, this shows your uniqueness, talent, decision-making ability and willingness to keep going until the job is done. You want to put forth your best efforts. This requires that you jump in and act. Perseverance, willingness to accept responsibility for your output and taking pride in your accomplishments are all part of what it takes to get the job done.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/01/5-tips-on-how-to-get-started-when-theres-work-to-do/