7 Ideas for Date Night When You Have to Stay in with Your Kids

Maybe your babysitter cancels. Maybe you’re trying to save money. Maybe you’re not ready to leave your baby. Maybe you don’t trust anyone else to watch your child. Maybe you’re too exhausted to leave the house. Maybe there’s some other reason. Either way, the end result is the same: You’ve got to stay home with your kids, and you’d like to spend some quality time with your partner.

“Nourishing your connection with your beloved is essential in your relationship and ultimately, your family thriving as a whole,” said Lily Zehner, EdD, MFT-C, a Denver-based therapist who specializes in sex, intimacy and relationships.

But date night doesn’t have to mean going out. As Zehner said, staying in “just gives you an opportunity to think outside the box.” Below are seven connection-strengthening, stay-at-home ideas.

Get messy — with art. 

“Whether it is painting, coloring, molding clay or whatever else you can imagine, you can spend some time playing, creating and connecting,” Zehner said. And, if you’d like to make a sensual work of art, she suggested checking out Love is Art, a company that sells packages for making art pieces with your body.

Make an elaborate meal.

“There is something really sexy about cooking together and getting to taste your creation with your partner along the way,” said Christie Sears Thompson, MA, MFTC, a couples therapist in Wheat Ridge, Colo., who helps her clients connect, communicate and create the relationships they want through play.

She suggested creating a four-course meal with soup or salad; hot appetizer; main course; and dessert. You also can come up with a theme or food from around the world. And if you’re pressed for time, skip the courses, and go with a simple dinner and dessert.

Play Jenga with a twist.

“We are always evolving as humans and so are our partners,” Zehner said. This is why it’s so important to have regular conversations about everything from your partner’s likes and dislikes to how they’re currently feeling.

This activity requires some prep in advance. Each of you can write down open-ended questions on different Jenga game pieces. Every time you pick up a piece, respond to that question. As Zehner said, this makes it extra fun by combining curiosity with play.

Play “Truth or Dare.”

This is another opportunity to keep learning more about your partner. For instance, with your “truths,” you might ask about childhood stories and future dreams, Thompson said.

For “dares,” “be creative but respectful of your partner.” She shared these examples:

• Kiss me ­­­­­­_________ (somewhere on your body).
• Make your best [animal] sound.
• Tell me how much you love me in [a certain voice/accent, such as Australian, or Kermit the Frog].
• Write a dirty limerick or haiku.
• Sing the chorus of a love song.

Give massages.

“Dim the lights, light some candles, put on some relaxing music and really give your partner’s body the attention it deserves,” Thompson said. Ask your partner where they need a massage. And ask about their needs in general, such as whether they’d like softer or harder pressure. “Communication is the key to a great massage.”

Read together.

Take out a book you’re both interested in (“bonus points if it’s a steamy story”), Thompson said. She suggested making hot chocolate or tea, snuggling up together and reading the chapters aloud.

Lay under the stars.  

“Grab a cozy blanket, your favorite drinks to sip on, something sweet to nibble on, and star gaze,” Zehner said. If you don’t have a telescope, download an app (by searching “star gazing”) to help you identify the stars and constellations that you’re looking at, she said.

Staying home doesn’t mean that having fun or reconnecting with your spouse is out of the question — especially when it’s an excellent chance to get extra creative. Also, if you’d like to connect more with your partner but aren’t sure how to bring it up, check out Zehner’s “I Wanna Connect with You” communication tool.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/26/7-ideas-for-date-night-when-you-have-to-stay-in-with-your-kids/

Best of Our Blogs: July 26, 2016

With social media and reality television, there’s been an explosion of exposure. To be worthy, we all search for external validation with likes or retweets. Over-sharing is the norm, and being ordinary equates with being unimportant.

I worry about younger generations. Youth who don’t spend adequate time building their own reservoir of self-love will grasp onto other things when they feel depleted. Compliments and recognition are fleeting. When you need acceptance and affirmation from others, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. For someone who is already sensitive, this can be severely damaging to their self-worth and self-esteem.

One thing I want to instill in my children is a sense of self that is not dependent on accolades and outside validation. It’s a difficult task especially in our society. How often do you hear parents respond to anything their kids do with, “Good job!” ? Children grow up dependent on other people for validation and motivation.

I think a lot of our problems stem from this need to do the “right” thing, make someone else happy or succeed professionally because we believe we have to make others feel good so we can feel good about ourselves. In comparison, this week’s posts show that focusing on who we are and what we need can help us build a strong inner life.

When Your Partner is Emotionally Withholding
(Bonding Time) – You’re in a relationship, but feel lonely. Could your problem be due to this?

Narcissists’ True Love: Money
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – Money is a psychological pawn that narcissists play to manipulate and control. It’s not themselves they’re in love with, it’s their money.

How to Know What You Want
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – If you struggle with big and small decisions from relationships to where to eat, your childhood probably looked a lot like this. Here’s how to finally get in touch with who you are and what you want in life.

14 Inspirational Quotes From Brene Brown
(Happily Imperfect) – Need a little inspiration and motivation this week? You’ll find it in one of these quotes.

5 Myths about Mothering No One Should Believe
(Knotted) – If you’re outwardly successful, but feel inadequate and unworthy, you might be one of the 40-50% of children who were brought up with this type of mother.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/26/best-of-our-blogs-july-26-2016/

What if They Find Out?

A worry that has been surfacing for me as of late is about people finding out I struggle with mental health issues.

Although I have been casually open about having some “anxieties,” there are few who know the depth of what that means. My recent coming out of the mental health closet has been attempted before, through previous blogging that I quickly halted before “they” might see.

They are the people I work with. They are the families that access the program I work for. They are some of my family members. They are the people I have been in AA with for 22 years. They are my ex-husband. They are my husband’s work. They are are all the people who would never know or believe that I have days where I struggle to live, struggle to do certain things that my anxiety won’t let me, and struggle with how depressed this can make me feel.

I had to think about this as I recently decided to be honest and speak out about my mental health when I found myself anxious and depressed again. I have had periods of my life where I have been a high-functioning person with generalized anxiety, but it has never completely left me. There have been other times where I have been agoraphobic and could not leave my house.

A few weeks ago I was drowning in my own despair, filled with anxiety and allowing my ego to kill me because I was worried what other people might think. I assumed that if people knew what was going on, that I am not perfectly perfect, that they would judge me, and talk about me, or confront me, or tell on me.

So to those that might find out, here is what I have to say to you:

I have been living and sometimes thriving with generalized anxiety long before you met me.

The person you saw yesterday laughing and blowing bubbles outside with your child is the same person who has had generalized anxiety disorder since her own childhood.

The person whom you see shooting hoops at the park with her son, being the great mom, is the same person who has had generalized anxiety disorder long before she became a mother.

The person who has managed to graduate with three college diplomas and run her own business is the same person who has had generalized anxiety disorder throughout it all.

This is the same person who on her saddest and most anxious days shows up when she feels completely broken, and you had no idea through the smiles and ability to carry on and function as any “typical” human being would.

You didn’t know because I have learned to hide it well. I have lived my life around my illness, typically only engaging in things that would not trigger my symptoms so that I can have some peace and contentment within my comfort zones.

You didn’t know because I have the ability to fake it till you make it when I do go out of those comfort zones, and in many everyday life situations that cause me anxiety and stress. Some days I am my own superhero!

You didn’t know because I continue to participate in the world as a mother, wife and employee while having a mental illness.

They might find out now and that is OK. I am sharing my story because my desire to help someone stay one more day by letting them know they are not alone outweighs any fear of what someone might think if they know I’m not perfect.

So let them find out. I am still the same person they knew yesterday.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/25/what-if-they-find-out/

Differentiating Shame from Guilt: It’s Not So Easy

It is clear that toxic shame is a destructive emotion that saps our energy and robs us of the joy of being alive. But does that mean that all shame is bad

Brene Brown defines shame as “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”

But toxic shame cuts to the core of our identity. We carry a dark sense of being deeply flawed and defective. This is so painful that we desperately try to hide it from others and develop compensatory behaviors (such as seeking power and wealth or constantly joking) that are designed to distract people from noticing how flawed we are (or think we are).

Being paralyzed by shame puts us in a freeze state that holds us back in multiple ways. However, there are times when we do something that violates our own ethical code and creates pain for others or ourselves. Perhaps we sent a harsh email, broke a promise, or overindulged in eating or drinking. If we have no feeling about these inevitable lapses, we may not avail ourselves of emotional information that tells us that we’ve violated someone’s boundaries, hurt ourselves, and failed to live up to our own values.

John Bradshaw, who has done brilliant work with shame, writes that:

“In itself, shame is not bad. Shame is a normal human emotion. In fact, it is necessary to feel shame if one is to be truly human… Shame tells us of our limits. Shame keeps us in our human boundaries… Our shame tells us we are not God. Healthy shame is the psychological foundation for humility. It is the source of spirituality.”

Guilt and Shame

Some people who have explored this complex topic have invited us to differentiate shame from guilt. John Bradshaw has suggested in his book, Bradshaw on the Family, that “Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did is not good; shame says I am no good.”

It is helpful to find a language that resonates for us to differentiate between how we feel when we make a mistake or fall short of our ideals from the paralyzing shame of being a mistake. Mistakes can be learned from; we can correct them. We can seek forgiveness, forgive ourselves, and move on

The important thing is to find some way to distinguish something inside us that is extremely toxic from something within that is helpful and redemptive. But it’s tricky. As psychotherapist Christine Evans suggests in her book, Breaking Free of the Shame Trap:

“I believe that most of us who are shame-based feel ashamed when we have done something we feel guilty about. It’s almost impossible for us to simply “make a mistake.” For us, making a mistake confirms our belief that we are a mistake…When we talk about our guilt, we often mean our unacknowledged shame.”

Evans makes a distinction between healthy shame, which keeps us humble and reminds us of our limitations, from pathological shame, which is paralyzing and incapacitating. As a psychotherapist, I’ve found it useful to help clients differentiate toxic shame from healthy shame.

As we begin to notice and work with our toxic shame in a mindful and skillful way, we can move toward being more self-validating and self-affirming. As this debilitating shame begins to heal, we’re better positioned to differentiate this from the healthy shame that gets our attention in a way that can serve our growth.

ease consider liking my Facebook page.

Pixabay image by Johnhain

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/25/differentiating-shame-from-guilt-its-not-so-easy/

10 Problem-Solving Strategies that Work

Nobody likes problems. But they are a part of life, so it’s important to find effective ways to deal with them. The following strategies can help you find your way through potential solutions to find the one that works best in almost any situation.

1. Sleep on it.

With often-conflicting problems and demands on your mind, it can be difficult to find an inroad to a solution. When you’re faced with such difficulties, a wise course of action is to get some sleep. While you’re resting, your mind is actively working to sift through the list and help sort things into more recognizable shape. You might even wake with some solutions to certain problems. Writing down a list before you retire for the night can help with that.

2. Figure out what you need to tackle and what can wait.

After a good night’s sleep, even if you don’t awaken with a concrete solution to the problem, you’re rested and able to devote some time to prioritizing what’s necessary to work on and what can wait. Since you can’t tackle more than one problem at once, singling out the one you’ll work on first alleviates some pressure and gives you direction.

3. Separate the problem into bite-sized parts.

Any problem has various components. Think of it as stages: beginning, middle and end. Like any project or recipe, following the steps and working in stages helps give you a sense of accomplishment when you complete each one. In addition, once you’ve gone through the steps, what once seemed impossible or incredibly difficult won’t seem as overwhelming.

4. Work on a timeline.

Along with determining the stages or steps you’ll follow to resolve the problem, you also need to develop a timeline for completion. Important due dates for work, legal, family, school and other areas should be taken into account. This timeline also needs to include time for research, lining up resources and getting help, factoring in unexpected delays or complications, and a cushion so you’re not so pressured toward the end.

5. Use your network.

Why go it alone when you can make use of your network to help you arrive at potential solutions, kick around ideas and gather suggested approaches? While the problem you’re facing may be something your network hasn’t experienced, the support and encouragement they offer will always help.

6. Don’t compare yourself to others.

Everyone approaches problem-solving based on their strengths and capabilities. Your approach may not look like someone else’s, but that doesn’t make it wrong. It’s just different. Avoid the temptation to compare your efforts with those of others. Do take note of what worked for them, however, as it might be something you can adapt to solve your problem.

7. Make sure to take a break.

Going full tilt ahead to solve a problem might lead to a crash. It’s important to pace yourself. Take time to reflect, do something you like or just relax. Take a walk, exercise, spend time with friends, or read a good book. When you’re enjoying yourself and not thinking so hard about the problem, your stress level reduces and your mind clears. Afterward, you may find you’ve arrived at the answer you need.

8. If you find a solution that works, keep it.

If you’ve used an approach that’s worked in the past, don’t automatically discard it when facing a new problem. Granted, each situation is different and may require a completely different strategy, but you’ve built up a toolkit of problem-solving techniques. You might as well use them. Even if you decide none of those work, knowing that you’ve overcome problems in the past gives you confidence you can do so again.

9. Learn from every mistake.

It may not seem like it at the time, but some of the biggest lessons come from mistakes. Maybe you jumped in without fully considering all the ramifications of your approach. Maybe you rushed into a potential solution and didn’t factor in sufficient time or resources. Maybe the approach that will work is a combination of techniques. By going through what didn’t work, and figuring out other ways to go at the problem, you’ll be gaining valuable insight that ultimately will help you solve it.

10. Celebrate accomplishments.

Once you do solve your problem, take a moment to celebrate the win. This helps reinforce in your mind that you have what it takes to tackle and solve problems, to deal with deadlines, complexities and difficulties. This strategy helps build your self-esteem at the same time it expands your mental energy for future problem-solving. Celebrating your accomplishments also gives you hope for the future and what you’ll be able to achieve.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/25/10-problem-solving-strategies-that-work/

Revenge: Is It Bitter, Sweet, or Bittersweet?

There is some truth to the old saying that revenge is sweet. But research shows it is also bitter, and no amount of revenge can ever take away the reality of whatever originally happened.

Tags: relationships, responsibility

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life http://counsellingresource.com/features/2016/07/25/revenge-bittersweet/

9 Socialization Tips for People with Social Anxiety

When you suffer from social anxiety and receive an invitation to attend an event, your first reaction is usually “ugh, how am I going to get out of this one?” — followed by the feeling of intense guilt when you start to think about how your refusal may sadden the host.

What happens next usually involves a rollercoaster of emotions: intense fear, dread, panic, and sometimes tears. The emotions eventually settle — until the date approaches and you realize you have to make a decision.

So what do you do next? Well, if you decide to go, then you need to make a plan.

1. Ask if you can bring a friend. Bring someone who may be a little more social than you are and can help maintain a conversation with others better than you can.
2. Bring a comfort item. Remember when you were a kid and you used to bring a toy or a blanket with you everywhere? Find a small object that brings you comfort and bring it with you. You may even want to consider bringing tissues if you tend to sweat excessively.
3. Upon arrival, find a safe place. A safe place may be a corner seat or one close to an exit in case you feel the need to excuse yourself.
4. Preplan your departure. Prior to arriving, preplan when you are going to leave. Let the host know you may not be able to stay for the entire event because (insert valid excuse here).
5. Find the snacks/food/beverages. If you are dealing with an upset stomach, grab a light snack or a beverage. Eating and drinking is a great way to distract your mind.
6. Allow yourself warmup time. Just as your body eventually adjusts to the temperature when you get into a pool, your emotions also will adjust when you’re at an event. The feeling of dread and panic may not completely subside, but the intensity will eventually lessen if you willfully encourage your mind to relax.
7. Prepare general discussion topics. Topics such as the weather, how much someone’s child has grown, work or school, food, animals, or something you saw on the news tend to be topics that most people can relate to. When you begin to experience a moment of awkward silence, use one of these topics to keep the conversation going.
8. Remain calm and think positive. Take a break and use the restroom if you feel yourself becoming too overwhelmed. When you enter the restroom, practice doing some breathing and relaxation. Remind yourself to calm down, everything is going to be OK.
9. There is an end in sight. At the conclusion of the event, or if you have decided to leave early, make sure you congratulate yourself. You survived another event and you need to view your achievement as a major accomplishment.

Reference

http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/Social%20Anxiety%20Disorder%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/25/9-socialization-tips-for-people-with-social-anxiety/