It Shines: Living with Bipolar II Disorder

I’m quick to reflect on high school glory days. It’s pretty silly, seeing as how I’ve not even reached the 10-year reunion mark. Flipping through my old yearbook, I noticed one of my favorite teachers wrote “Dear Beth, calling you a delicate flower would not give justice to your violently cheerful exuberance. It’s been amazing to watch your shifts from scarily giddy to sleepy to gloomy then back again.” I didn’t learn until later that this was a much abbreviated but also decent description of someone with type two Bipolar Disorder. Even with the intensity of my demeanor back then, no one would have pegged that onto a cheerleading prom queen.

I had a hodgepodge of symptoms that I never wanted to complain about but always knew were a problem. It took me a while before I confided in my doctor. Individually, the ailments were nothing to be alarmed about but experiencing them all at the same time (nearly all the time) became too much. The fatigue was easier to notice because of the way it affected my academic performance. I could sleep twelve hours at night and still feel the need for a three hour nap later that day. I began having nightmares every night and eventually experienced recurring sleep paralysis. I was always underweight, prone to infections with poor circulation and constant ice pick headaches, etc. And an even stranger development was a tick-chronic hiccups. These symptoms concerned my doctor and after exploring several possibilities to no avail, he eventually gave me an MRI to rule out cancer. Because he knew me as that charismatic girl from high school, he didn’t even consider that these were all physical manifestations of depression/anxiety.

Starting college, I knew I had been depressed on and off. My closest friends began to avoid me. They admitted that they ran out of ways to be there for me. I was exhausting the friends who poured so much love into me. I can’t place a finger on a watershed moment in time that broke me, but I vividly remember the signs. Having to cross a busy highway every day to get to class, I would dare myself to stand dangerously close to the road. I always entertained the thought of taking a swift step in front of the 18-wheelers that barreled by. Driving my car gave me ideas of swerving into oncoming traffic. I spent so much time fantasizing about dying. After sabotaging some of my strongest relationships, I was determined not to burden anyone else so I stayed quiet. Many nights I can swear my heart would break though and not in a way that typical teenage hearts do but in a way that was excruciating, and I would end up begging God to please take my life away. The sadness was palpable, but I wouldn’t impose on my friends.

I used to think if a person was medicated for their mental health their condition must be outrageous. I especially thought of bipolar disorder as a series of violent mood swings. In addition to this stigma, I also thought too many people are given medicine they don’t need. I figured the world was full of hypochondriacs and theatric people who manipulate doctors into prescribing pills. I dodged this avenue for the longest time. Then there was one night when my only reservation of jumping from the top floor window of my dorm was the possibility of a failed attempt. I couldn’t tell if the fall would be enough or if I would end up paralyzed. I even went outside to judge it from the ground up. By some stroke of horror I had at my own actions, I called NC State’s on-call counselor who stayed with me until 2 a.m. I could no longer ignore the need to seek help.

When I went to see someone, the suggestion that I might have bipolar disorder seemed nonsensical. That was ignorance on my part. The assessment was that I have severe bouts of depression, but I had never considered the other times, the euphoria and the mountain top experiences. Most people were only familiar with my contagious joy and perpetual need to spread it. My teacher’s words come back to mind.

After finding the courage to seek help, I’m now equipped with the right combination of medicine and therapy. I have help that doesn’t take away from who I am. I am still dynamic. I am still exuberant. It shines.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/30/it-shines-living-with-bipolar-ii-disorder/

Rubber Bands, Yoga Mats, and Trial Meeting Error

“Snap a rubber band,” a well-meaning counselor advises.

“Practice mindfulness. Don’t interfere with the intrusive thoughts when they strike,” a well-intentioned doctor counsels.

“If you expose yourself to the screaming thoughts, their intensity will slowly fade,” a seasoned practitioner recommends.

Feeling overwhelmed? That makes two of us.

As mental health consumers, we seek answers for the whirring madness in our minds. We limp to psychologists and psychiatrists, stockpile the latest self-help books, and embrace the latest diet fads. If I just follow the Atkins diet or Paleo diet or the Raw Food diet, the blaring thoughts will subside. Right?

But, I suspect, we are torturing ourselves–and our mental health. In our frenzied search for everlasting relief, we are muddling our already overtaxed minds. Our desperation is our biggest asset–and albatross.

A mental health consumer, my counselors have shepherded me through some of life’s biggest challenges. I am grateful for their friendships and wisdom. They have — and continue to be — mentors. But over my sixteen years of counseling, I have received divergent and, at times, contradictory advice.

My mind rattles; should I embrace mindfulness or challenge the pulverizing thoughts? Should I journal out the distressing thoughts, exposing them as bullying imposters? Maybe I should distract myself, burrowing into a favorite book? And the mind prattles on, brooding over counselors’ tips and tricks.

Information overload right?

As the latest self-help techniques whiplash through your mind, here is where I am supposed to provide sanguine advice for those spinnin’ heads. Yes, I may write a Psych Central column and, yes, I understand the paralyzing thoughts and feelings. But before dispensing any advice, I want to acknowledge your own wisdom and resilience against numbing depression and churning anxiety. You — yes you — are a skilled counselor, navigating your mind’s treacherous terrain with grace, vision, and perspicacity. But, in a cruel twist, that insatiable drive for more–treatment tips, counseling appointments, and medical diagnoses — results in less. As the thoughts flood your synapses, you cling to anything (Paleo diet? Oprah’s latest self-help book?) for mental tranquility. Your doggedness, though, reeks of desperation — not determination.

A serial overanalyzer and endless perfectionist, I understand your drive — and how it is driving you over the edge. Like you, I have questioned whether I am employing the “right strategy” or am really “getting” mindfulness. Second, or even, third-guessing your counselor, you feel besieged, even helpless, as the thoughts batter you into submission. “Mindfulness? But what about meditation? And my counselor keeps mentioning my diet. Well, maybe I will mindfully meditate about my diet,” you grumble — sarcasm dripping down your chin.

Here comes counsel, not another counselor. The advice: focus on what you do best–and sharpen that skill to a razor’s edge. If meditation foils the stomach-churning anxiety, embrace your inner yogi. Over and over again. After years of trial and more error, I now take an active role when the depressive thoughts plunge me into a blue abyss. I challenge their veracity, slowly unlocking the one-time stranglehold on me.

Yes, we all want a life raft when that inevitable blue wave threatens to topple us. But, first, we must build our own.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/30/rubber-bands-yoga-mats-and-trial-meeting-error/

Marriage Mentors Are Everywhere

When it comes to marriage, I cannot overstate the value of mentoring. If you were blessed to have grown up with happily married parents who communicated well, you probably learned, as though by osmosis, how to become happily hitched. Your live-in mentors paved the way.

But what if you grew up with parents who stayed together unhappily or divorced? Or if you were raised by a single parent? Typically, couples who see me for therapy grew up without viewing a healthy marriage. For them and for others desiring a happy, lasting union, good mentoring can fill the gaps.

Even if your parents were relatively happy together, their way might not be your way. Societal changes in recent decades include most women’s ability to support themselves financially. Consequently, many more of us require a more egalitarian, collaborative relationship than was the norm while we were growing up.

Adopting Realistic Expectations

A good marriage mentor helps you develop realistic expectations. My parents, of blessed memory, were divorced when I was thirteen. Before then, my father wasn’t home much. When he left for good, my mother felt abandoned. Her friends were unhappily married, divorced, or single.

So what I learned about marriage was not to expect a man to stick around. What I learned elsewhere came from fairy tales and romantic novels, which implied all you have to do is find a perfect specimen of a man to fall in love with, marry, and live happily ever after with, but with absolutely no effort on your part as he’ll do everything you desire to please you without your having to say a word about what you want because he is so good at reading your mind.

When an imperfection surfaced in a man I was dating, he was out of the picture. I pined after men I thought were perfect because I thought it was love when, actually, I was loving a fantasy. These men never let me get to know them well enough to see them as real people with vulnerabilities as well as strengths. For years this worked out okay. I got to complain to my friends about how sad it was that the men I liked didn’t want to become serious. I got to avoid getting married and having it not work out and becoming unhappy.

I’ve benefited from many mentors before and after I married. Most of them may have no idea of their impact on me, because mentoring can be subtle. It can happen through an overheard off-hand remark. Someone might toss advice your way and not find out whether you took it. Here are examples of two of my very helpful mentors.

You might be surprised to learn that my first mentors were my therapy clients. Despite my own struggle to get past my obstacles to marrying, or perhaps, unconsciously, because of it, I trained in and developed expertise in couple and family therapy.

Finding Good Role Models

A couple I saw early in my career as a therapist made a profound impact on me. They came in initially because the husband’s binge drinking was affecting their relationship. The wife, at first, had difficulty expressing her feelings. After some time, she told me privately that she learned that the best time to talk to her husband about something important was when they were in bed after having sex, because both of them felt comfortable and receptive.

I learned two important things from this couple: First, that it’s important it is to continue to have sex regularly with a spouse in order to stay connected emotionally as well as physically. And also to communicate positively about anything that might be preventing either spouse from wanting physical intimacy.

My second lesson from them occurred one time when I saw them together and my eyes welled up in tears because I was moved by their strong connection. They were learning to support themselves and each other. They continued with therapy to keep improving their relationship. I never saw this kind of caring and devotion in my parents. I’m grateful to them for showing me that is possible for spouses to remain loving and loyal while living through the ups and downs of marriage and life.

Developing Realistic Expectations

Another role model for me was a board member I’ll call Linda, with whom I developed a friendship when I was executive director of a family service agency. Linda, a physician, was happily married with two small children. She told me how she met her husband at a party, they dated, and became serious. I’m not ‘in love’ with him,” she said; “I’m very fond of him.”

Wow! Fond? Not madly in love? That was a new concept for me, which took a while to grasp. I suppose that “in love” means different things to different people, so it may be a matter of semantics. But I learned that really liking someone and being comfortable being myself with him was much more important than having the “crazy in love feeling,” with the emphasis on crazy because confusing that condition with true love is a big mistake.

Although I was quite high and in a somewhat dazed state after getting engaged, but truly the basis of it all was that I really enjoyed David’s company in a way that I felt grounded in myself rather than swept off into a fantasy.

Mentors are Plentiful

In case you’re wondering where to find mentors, here are some ideas:

• at your synagogue, church or other place of worship;
• in groups or organizations;
• at work;
• among friends and acquaintances;
• in a therapist or other professional counselor.

By keeping your eyes and ears open, you can find mentors just about anywhere. Notice couples who laugh and speak kindly to each other. If you admire a trait or behavior in someone, you can try to emulate it. Maybe you’ll ask them questions; maybe not.

Here’s a simple example of how a therapist can also be a valued mentor who helps you replace marriage myths you might be holding onto with more realistic expectations:

A wife complains to me that her husband doesn’t talk about his feelings. When I tell her that while there are exceptions, men, in general, have a harder time doing this than women. I’m helping her to improve her outlook. She’s likely to start accepting him as a normal man, instead of judging him as “unfeeling.” This change in her can foster a better relationship in which her husband becomes more comfortable sharing more of himself with her than before.

Mentors Want What’s Best for You

Your mentors are on your team. They want you to succeed and be happy.

Still single when I left my job at the family service agency, I hadn’t seen Linda for many years, not until my husband and I attended the agency’s big seventy-fifth anniversary celebration. She was thrilled to meet my husband and learn that we’d become parents.

“I’m glad you found your prince,” she said.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/30/marriage-mentors-are-everywhere/

8 Surprisingly Simple Ways to Manage Anxiety at Work

*Head desk*

I have an anxiety disorder.

I have always had one. My mom says when I was a baby I would freak out for no reason and just start wailing. Not a lot has changed since then, to be honest, except now I am medicated, have a good therapist, and no longer require someone else to see to my peeing and pooping needs.

What It Feels Like To Have Anxiety And Depression At The Same Time

I still have my moments, but for the most part, I have learned how to manage my anxiety.

Let us pause here and do a little dance of celebration — Done!

There are still times when my anxiety gets the best of me. Usually it involves large groups of people or other high stress situations. And there’s nothing more high stress than work, even if you have a job that you love (hi boss!).

I’d like to share with you some tips and tricks I have found helpful for those moments anxiety at work threatens to overtake you.

Let’s DO THIS.

1. Get Away from Your Computer.
   For most us, our workdays consist of sitting in front of our computers, barely blinking, let along getting up to move.

   I have found that it’s really helpful to set a timer for myself so that at least once an hour I get up and walk around. Go for a walk around the block, or, if your workspace doesn’t allow this, go for a walk around the building.

   Even just getting up and walking around your office can be the physical and mental outlet you need to let some of that stress and anxiety burn off without sending you into a spiral.

2. Try Gentle Stretching.
   As awesome and getting up and moving is, sometimes we have days where this is almost impossible. We’ve got back-to-back conference calls or a deadline we have to meet. This is when doing stretching at your desk can be THE BEST for managing anxiety at work.

   My favorite exercise is this: look at the top left corner of your computer, look at the top right corner of your computer, look at the bottom right corner of your computer, look at the bottom left corner of your computer. Let your neck and head move slowly while you do this. It’s a gentle, easy stretch that immediately relieves that tension scowl we all get from staring at a screen for too long.

3. Communicate with the People Around You.

   As a person with an anxiety, sometimes it feels like if I don’t express what’s going on inside me verbally like I am going to implode.

   If you feel this way at work it’s important that you have a work friend you can talk to. I’m not talking about someone you sit and bitch about work with (I think that’s negative and unhelpful for you both). Instead, what I mean, is don’t be afraid to communicate about whatever is giving you anxiety at work.

   Sometimes just saying “I’m scared I won’t get this done by five,” out loud can relief just the amount of pressure needed to help you get through your day.

4. Drink All of the Water.

   This might sound hokey, but water and hydrating our bodies in general is so often the cure for what ails you. I’m not saying that water is going to magically heal you of your anxiety (because that is bullshit), but I do know that drinking a lot of water will keep you feeling centered, healthy, and make it easier for to concentrate on the task at hand without blowing your stack.

   If you’re an anxious person, taking care of yourself can so easily go by the wayside. Evaluate what your body needs.

   When did you drink water last? When did you eat last? Do you have a headache? Make sure you’re at your physical best and the mental best will follow suit.

   19 Quotes For When Anxiety Feels Completely Overwhelming

5. Check in with Your Breathing.

   This one makes sense given number 4. Sometimes at work when I find myself on the verge of a total panic attack and I don’t know why, I realize that my mouth is pinched shut tight and that I’m taking rapid short breaths in and out like a furious little bull.

   If you are feeling anxious, check in with your breathing. Try circular breathing (in through the nose out through the mouth). Imagine your body as an empty bottle, and that each breath you are taking is like water pouring in from the bottom of your belly all the way up. Man, I got all chilled out just writing that.

6. Make Yourself a List.

   This here is one of the oldest tricks in the book. If you are feeling overwhelmed and fearful, take the simple step of setting a list for yourself.

   When you have the physical list, you’ll find managing one task, and crossing it off gives you back the feeling of control that anxiety strips from you. Sure, anxiety is a bitch, but it’s also pretty stupid and easy to fool if you have the right tools.

7. Take a Five-Minute Meditation Break.

   There’s taking a break to go to the bathroom, and taking a break to eat your lunch, why shouldn’t there be taking five minutes to reset yourself with meditation?

   You don’t need to be a professional guru, you can just do the circular breathing we mentioned above. Taking time out to pro-actively send a message to your brain that it’s time to relax and refocus can work absolute wonders.

   Of course it won’t always do the trick, but setting up the practice is another form of self-care that can be so beneficial in the long term.

8. Remember That It’s a Cycle

   When I’m in the thick of my worst anxiety, it feels like it’s never going to end. Here’s a thing to remember: it will, it’s going to end. You aren’t going to feel like you are dying forever.

Anxiety isn’t all of who you are, it doesn’t have you, you have it. You’re going to be okay, even when it feels like you won’t be. You just have to keep fighting, and keep treating yourself with respect. I believe in you, and so do all of the people who love and admire you.

You got this!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 8 Low-Key, Totally Do-Able Ways To Manage Anxiety At Work.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/29/8-surprisingly-simple-ways-to-manage-anxiety-at-work/

The Role of Make Believe Play in Adult Life

“You cannot change the past, but you can change how you feel about the past.”

We often hear how important it is for children to use their imaginations. But did you know you can strategically use imagination and make believe play to manage your emotions and feel better? In fact the use of fantasy is one way trauma therapists heal psychological wounds.

Amazing scientific fact: The brain cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality. For example, when I imagine I am running, evidence shows my brain reacting in large part as if I am actually running. This helps explain why using imagination and fantasy is a powerful tool for feeling better.

Try this quick experiment:

Slow down by taking 4 or 5 deep breaths. Bring up a vivid image of someone or something you love that brings you joy and peace: church, the beach, your partner or best friend, great food, winning a sports game, your favorite song — anything that makes you smile. Stay with the image and keep sharpening it.

Notice changes in your physical state? Did your breathing or heart rate change? Do you feel warmer? More relaxed? If so, congratulations! You just used your imagination to make something physical happen. To feel better, physically.

While this technique is known to be incredibly helpful to emotional well being, our culture has a bias against adults using fantasy and imaginative play. Some consider fantasizing to be morally wrong – imagining doing something bad for example can be considered taboo — as egregious as actually doing something bad.

One example of the taboo around fantasizing is around sexual fantasies. Almost everyone I have spoken to about sex feels guilty about their sexual fantasies.

What if you could use fantasy without guilt or shame and were free to fantasize both to help yourself feel better and as a substitute for doing hurtful things to others? That’s part of what I (and many other therapists) teach.

Here are 4 ways you can use your imagination to feel better:

1. Imagine a peaceful place to calm down:

When you’re upset, imagine as vividly as possible a serene, comfortable place of your choosing, and breathe deeply. Feel yourself relax. Add sensations to make your fantasy more real. For example, if you’re imagining the beach, smell the salty air and feel the balmy breeze on your skin.

2. Discharge anger by imagining what you feel like doing to the person who angered you. (Parents, this is a great way to help a child who’s angry.)

Your core authentic Self is loving and compassionate. But when anger is triggered, you are overtaken by a specific biological agenda: you want to attack in order to defend and protect yourself! To safely discharge the intense emotional energy in your system, try imagining what your anger “wants to do.”

For example, when I was 4 years old I would sometimes try to hit my little sister when she was getting the attention I wanted. My mother taught me it was absolutely fine to be angry with my sister, but it was not ok for me to hit her. She taught, “we don’t hit people!” She bought me a blow up Bozo the Clown punching bag and told me I could pretend it was my sister and punch it all I wanted! I loved this idea.

I feel tickled even as I remember this 45 years later. My mother — ahead of her time in many ways — knew making me feel guilty would only fuel negative feelings between my sister and me. Providing me an outlet for my imagination turned something toxic into play. My sister remains my best friend.

3. Imagine your very own custom made perfect “parent” to love you exactly as you need.

When you are aware of being upset, try imagining your ideal nurturing figure comforting you in exactly the right way for you. You can choose a real person, a fictional character, God in some form that feels right to you, or even an animal.

The beautiful thing about fantasy is that we don’t need to be constrained by logic. Let this being comfort you. Imagine how their love feels as deeply as you can. If you like hugs (like I do), use your imagination to actually feel being hugged on your skin. Conjure everything you need.

4. Use sexual fantasies to spice up your long-term relationship.

One key to keeping sex exciting (especially monogamous sex) is the use of fantasy and make believe play. Try to put your guilt aside and approach fantasy as you would a blank canvas.

Imagine anything that excites you and bring that energy to your partner. This is far from a betrayal to your partner. It is a loving addition to your relationship that helps maintain your real life human connection.

To sum it up:
Give yourself radical permission to use your imagination in any way that serves you. Experiment! Do more of the imaginative play that feels best. If something doesn’t bring relief, don’t be hard on yourself — just keep testing and playing. Using imagination and fantasy keeps us creative, keeps our brains “in shape,” and — now you know — quite literally makes us feel better.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/29/the-role-of-make-believe-play-in-adult-life/

Best of Our Blogs: November 29, 2016

It’s Cyber Monday. As I’m going through hundreds of sale emails telling me what I need, I’m reminded about what really matters.

It’s not finding the best deals or presents even.

Connection is what we’re truly after.

Anger, disappointment and grief often comes from fear of disconnection. I used to think we learn more from being alone than we do in partnerships. But I was wrong.

On a path towards joy, happiness and self-growth, we need both, time by ourselves and time with others.

As you get lost in holiday errands, decorations, and shopping, remember that you’ll be happier and enjoy the season more if you devote time to both.

Narcissist on Narcissism: The Inside Scoop
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – What happens when a narcissistic reader reads Lenora’s post on narcissism? Real conversation, that’s what.

The Secret Façade of the Vulnerable Narcissist
(The Exhausted Woman) – Heres why that quiet, unassuming person you met could be a narcissist in disguise.

The True Roots of Racism: Child Abuse and Neglect
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – A blog commenter will change the way you perceive racist and angry people.

Holiday Stress Relief: 7 Expert Tips for a More Relaxing Holiday
(Happily Imperfect) – Here it is. Your guide to staying sane despite the chaos, dysfunctional family gatherings and never-ending list of obligations.

Fear of Rejection: 8 Facts
(Relationship Corner) – This explains what and why we do the things we do in face of something everyone fears-rejection.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/29/best-of-our-blogs-november-29-2016/

The Rich Life Measured in Toilet Paper

I like toilet paper.

And when I am out of it, there is that frantic millisecond when I am desperately scrambling for the nearest paper substitute. It is a helpless feeling.

This is money in a nutshell.

Like toilet paper, we obsess about money when we are running out of it. But when we have it in abundance, it drifts to the backburner.

In America, there is a premise that material wealth and happiness are intertwined. We link a larger home, designer car, and haute labels with contentment–even happiness. But in our bigger is better mentality, money can — and does — pervert happiness.

Remember your college years? For many, it evokes fond memories. Some might say it was the best four, or six, years of their life. A proud UNC alumnus, I am getting wistful thinking of March Madness, late-night Cosmic Cantina runs, and Halloween mayhem.

The delicious irony: Many of us were cash-strapped during our college years. We lived in cramped dorms with malfunctioning air conditioners. We scrounged for money for Natty Ice beer. And we loved it. This was the proverbial good life — assuming we didn’t run out of toilet paper in the dorm bathroom.

As we age, our relationship with money become more complicated. Professionally, I have watched money provoke lust, envy, and greed. Personally, I have watched it divide my family.

My financial philosophy is rooted in toilet paper. Yes — toilet paper. We need money to meet our basic human needs — housing, food, transportation, and — yes — bathroom tissue. But to maximize money’s happiness quotient, it’s what you do and how you earn those Harriet Tubmans.

This year I have spent money for one of a kind experiences: traveling to Haiti, hiking up a snow-capped Washington mountains, and eating authentic comida in a Mexico City barrio. These experiences have given me more meaning than a 56 (or is it 60 inch?) plasma TV with the latest gadgetry. And, generally speaking, have cost less than that hulking TV.

While I cherish my one of a kind experiences, I take as much satisfaction in my work contributions. Through the Psych Central platform, I provide a voice for the mentally troubled. This sense of empowerment contrasts with current soul-sucking legal projects. Reviewing documents for two multi-billionaire insurance companies squabbling over profits, I contemplate storming out in a blaze of glory, devilishly laughing as I stomp on those haughty legal templates. The lesson: find something that stays true to your values and provides meaning in our increasingly cynical world.

Money can tether us, chaining us to a certain lifestyle and societal-imposed expectations. “You don’t have the latest iPhone 36?” our consumer-driven society collectively intones. But consumer culture doesn’t define your happiness goals — be true to what sparks your imagination. Once you are, money is more than a soulless pursuit. It is a reward to pursue your joy. And, who knows, buy an extra roll of toilet paper.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/28/the-rich-life-measured-in-toilet-paper/

How the 4 Traits of Emotional Intelligence Affect Your Life

We know that general intelligence — referred to as IQ — is fairly consistent throughout life, though studies have found some age-related dips in certain skills as we age.

We typically use IQ scores to identify areas of cognitive strengths and deficits. For example, those with lower scores qualify for additional school services or those with higher scores are designated gifted or talented.

What Healthy Emotions REALLY Look Like And 3 Ways To Get Them

In contrast, one’s EQ (emotional intelligence), can always be developed, polished, and refined. Yes, you’ll likely retain what you develop, but EQ is based on skills that (if not practiced) can deteriorate over time.

So why should you care about emotional intelligence anyway? Individuals who understand and use EQ skills:

• Make better life choices.
• Have better interpersonal relationships.
• Are better parents.
• Are more successful at work.
• Make exceptional business owners and leaders.

Additionally, businesses who make EQ skill development a part of the organizational culture see greater overall productivity, increased sales, increased customer service, and a reduction in turnover.

So what exactly is emotional intelligence? EQ is based largely on 4 principles:

1. Self-Awareness

You know what creates an emotional response for you. You understand your “gut” feelings, what triggers your emotions, and where your emotions intersect with your own thoughts and behavior.

For instance, if you feel yourself starting to get anxious, recognize the feeling as anxiety, determine what’s causing it, and use skills and tools to manage and control the anxiety.

2. Self-Management

You know what to do to control your emotions and effective ways to use your emotions to guide and direct your behavior.

For example, anger is a common emotion and circumstances in life will anger you at times. The key is how you recognize and use your anger in a way that allows you to respond productively versus destructively.

3. Empathy

You understand the emotions of others. By your own experience with 1 and 2, you can infer how others might be feeling in a variety of contexts.

You raise your EQ by learning to place yourself in other’s shoes, and by being able to relate to situational factors that may lead to emotional responses — and residual thoughts and behavior.

You’ve experienced being sprinkled with hundreds of questions in an interview setting. You understand how your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors work in that setting.

Now when you’re interviewing others are you able to understand some of their experience?

4. Ability to Build Relationships

You understand how to help others manage their emotions, and how to use your own emotional awareness to navigate, build, and maintain positive relationships.

The Miracle Question That Can Change Your Future

Think about a person you would like to emulate. For most of us, those people not only understand shared feelings, but they use the power of their words and actions to inspire and motivate. They are masters of all 4 of these principles.

As mentioned, EQ requires skill development and practice. You have to make it a priority and focus your intention on emotional intelligence.

It also helps to have a mentor or someone who understands the skills, knows how you can build and refine them, and who will give you honest, objective feedback for continued development.

I’ve seen people invest themselves in EQ and transform their personal and professional lives. Investing in yourself always pays off.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The SMARTEST People Possess These 4 Traits Of Emotional Intelligence.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/28/how-the-4-traits-of-emotional-intelligence-affect-your-life/

When Positive Thinking Doesn’t Work, This Does

There’s no shortage of self-help gurus who swear that repeating positive phrases to yourself can change your life, encouraging that if you simply tell yourself “I am strong and successful”, your fears will simply disappear.

If you’ve tried using positive affirmations, you know that it can be a difficult habit to maintain. You may spend five, 10 or even 20 minutes reciting your affirmation, but the other 23 hours of the day? Chances are that your mind drifts back to old, repetitive thoughts that have burned deep grooves in your brain.

The problem with positive affirmations is that they operate at the surface level of conscious thinking and do nothing to contend with the subconscious mind where limiting beliefs really live.

It goes without saying that if you command yourself to think, “I am abundant and attract wealth,” yet your deeply held core belief is that you are never enough or unworthy of your success, your brain will be quick to incite an inner war.

If you trying tell yourself “I am successful,” but you struggle with insecurity regarding your skills and accomplishments, your subconscious may likely remind you of the many times you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of your boss or made a mistake at work (trust me, we’ve all been there!).

The truth is that it’s natural and healthy to experience a range of feelings, including less pleasant ones like disappointment, sadness or guilt. While there’s no question that ruminating in negative emotions can turn toxic, whitewashing your insecurities with positive thinking is merely a temporary fix.

Unreasonably optimistic thinking can trigger a self-defeating spiral, particularly for those prone to anxiety and depression. Research shows that while repeating positive self-statements may benefit people with high self-regard, it can backfire for those lacking confidence.

If positive affirmations can be ineffective–even detrimental–how are we to take control and mentally empower ourselves to change?

While wishing ourselves into a success mindset won’t work for most, here’s a few strategies to try to make your self-talk work for you instead of against you.

Dig Yourself Out from “Debbie Downer” Thoughts
Start with articulating and acknowledging thoughts weighing you down–ones that don’t serve any useful purpose beyond keeping you stuck. Releasing statements, such as, “I forgive myself for procrastinating” or “It’s okay for me to be angry” shortcut self-bashing and free up emotional resources.

If you spend less time beating yourself up for procrastinating, you can redirect that energy into breaking down a project into manageable tasks and actually tackling your to-do list instead.

Give Interrogative Self-Talk a Try
Research shows that asking ourselves questions rather than issuing commands is a much more effective way to create change. It’s as simple as tweaking the way you speak to yourself. When you catch your inner critic flinging accusations, think: how can I turn this statement into a question? (see what I did there?). Asking questions opens up exploration and possibility.

Here’s some examples:

• Am I willing to do what it takes?
• When have I done this before?
• What if [insert worse case scenario] happens
• How can I…?

This type of self-inquiry powers up problem-solving areas of the brain helping you tap into your innate creativity. You’re able to greet negative thoughts with curiosity instead of fear.

Focus on Progress, Not Perfection
Using a positive affirmation like “I am wonderful and powerful” may backfire if you don’t truly, deeply believe it at both a cognitive and emotional level. To effectively re-frame your thinking, consider who you are becoming, focusing on your progress–the current track or path you’re on.

You might re-work your self-talk to sound more like “I am a work in progress, and that’s OK.” It’s pointing you in the direction of positive growth and is both realistic and achievable. Another example: telling yourself “Every moment I’m making an effort to be more conscious about how I spend my money” acknowledges the fact that you are evolving and that you have choice in creating a better financial future for yourself.

If you’re prone to negative self-talk and are sick of positive affirmations that don’t work, try one of these re-framing techniques. You may start to notice major changes in your mindset and an uptick in your productivity and success.

Get the FREE toolkit thousands of people use to better describe & manage their emotions at melodywilding.com.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/28/when-positive-thinking-doesnt-work-this-does/

Being Love

“I’m not interested in being a ‘lover.’ I’m interested in only being love.” – Ram Dass

How can you be love? It’s an interesting question, probably not one most people ever consider. Yet the idea that you can embody love in everything you do is quite appealing. Akin to saintliness, perhaps, or what we imagine holy people do. But not us, right, surely not everyday people just trying to get along in life?

Not so fast. This isn’t a concept to dismiss out of hand. Think for a minute about doing the right thing, helping others instead of yourself all the time, going for the greater good in life and not striving for an accumulation of wealth and things. These are components of being love, although they only begin to touch at it. The truth is that love has no limits, so being love, in turn, means that there are no hard edges of love that you can point to, nothing that says love stops here and is no more.

Getting back to the hard-to-grapple-with idea of being love, what can any person do to nourish that outlook on life and help it flourish? Here are a few suggestions.

Think before you act.

Envision the consequences — good or bad — of everything you do before you do it. See 10 years down the road and try to imagine the ramifications of your actions. If your intent is to make a difference in the world, to give of yourself, you will either modify your approach, discard it, or move ahead with your plan. The point is that you consciously decide to do good. Choose your thoughts and actions. This helps you in your quest to be love.

See the good in everything and everyone.

This isn’t at all easy to do. There’s a lot of bad in the world and some horrendously evil individuals causing great pain to others. Think of the good vs. evil balance and see where good triumphs over evil. Surround yourself with those friends, co-workers, family members and loved ones who try to do the right thing. If you look for good you will find it. And the more good that you see, the more you’re inspired to demonstrate love yourself.

Practice makes it easier.

Instead of thinking how to be love, just focus on goodness. There’s a similarity between love and goodness that’s undeniable. Indeed, you can’t have love without goodness, although you can be good without being love. Still, making your life about doing good and being good is a healthy step toward being love. The more you do this, the easier it will be. The idea is to get to the point where you don’t have to think about it and just do it — goodness, that is, which will transform into being love at some point.

There’s always a second chance.

Maybe you think you only have one opportunity to get it right, to figure out how to live a right-side life, to be love. You’d be wrong. Just as most religions espouse the notion of forgiveness for sins and the ability to remake your life into something better, you always have the beacon of a second chance. Many of us have felt pain, endured suffering, gone through difficult times of great emotional turmoil. It wasn’t good and it certainly wasn’t easy. But that doesn’t mean the rest of our lives will be characterized by such negativity and misery. We can choose to live differently, to strive for good, self-improvement, helping others, and finding and being love.

In the end, each person makes a conscious choice how he or she will live their life. It’s also never too late to make a new beginning. Striving to be the best version of ourselves is the motivating force behind being love.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/27/being-love/

Caring for Trauma Survivors and Caring for Yourself in the Process: Everyday Tips for Non-Professionals

Elise just told me about her past. I knew she had been through a lot, but not all that. She said her mom hit her and left bruises when she was a kid, her neighbor touched her where she didn’t want to be touched, and I guess her brother was alcoholic. There was a lot of other stuff, too. It has gotten better in the last couple years so that is good. I have known their whole family for a long time and never knew any of that.

What do I do now? I want to help somehow, but is there anything to do? I don’t know if I should tell someone. I feel sad.

We hope abuse and trauma never happen to ourselves or someone we love. When your sister, long-time friend, or neighbor tells you something you never expected, it can be confusing, upsetting, and scary.

What if they only want you to know? What if they are still in danger? Could they have been lying to you?

When someone discloses something like suicidal thoughts or depressive symptoms after assault, it can feel like only a trained therapist would know the right things to say or do. Referring him or her to a professional may be a great first step.

However, we as friends and family play an absolutely critical role in letting our loved ones know they still have a place outside of their counselor’s office. We are the ones who live with them every day, who love them with everything we have and hate to see them hurt. We are the ones who know secrets that others would never imagine. We are the ones who show them that they belong with us.

What can we do to help?

I didn’t know what to do when Elise came to me so I reached out to Cissy White, a writer and trauma survivor, “What is MOST healing is relationships and joy and ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that soothes the body and makes it safe.” Laugh together, go for a run, bake, or paint your nails! These moments are critical even if it doesn’t feel like you are doing enough. It may not be a satisfying answer but if you are trying to be a friend to your survivor friend, you are doing so much already! Another tip is to practice listening without becoming alarmed or scared. When friends can openly talk about any part of life, it lets them know they are not rejected because of what happened to them.

I want you to hear this: you do not need to have gone through everything your friend has been through to support him or her. You may not know what those experiences were like, but that’s not what you are saying. You are saying that you love her and want her to feel safe.

Trauma Is Allowed to Be Traumatic and Sad

I love the phrase, “exquisite empathy” because it reminds us that we are made to feel deeply. Trauma is something to weep over so weep if you need to! Play sad songs, break out the ice cream, and just cry because trauma is sad and never should have happened. It is easy to shut down our hearts over time but sit in the sadness so that you can fully live in the moments of joy and freedom!

Caring for Yourself in the Process

It is okay to feel affected when you care for a trauma survivor. When we discover horrible things, it should be difficult to place that within our previous, more pleasant, understanding of the world. Research about secondary trauma describes short term effects like feeling anxious, difficulty sleeping or becoming jumpy. Longer term, we may have confusion about our own identity, feel helpless, or become withdrawn. Like trauma survivors, our bodies and mind need to know we are safe, loved, and can trust others.

Habits to Support Your Personal Well-Being as You Support Others:

• Spend time with other people, even when you feel less social.
• Check-in with yourself. Do you feel loved and safe? Do you have hope things can get better? A practice I do with myself is noticing safe objects in the room. This chair is safe. These walls are safe. That door is safe. While this seems strange at first, it reminds me that I am typing right now and am not in crisis or immediate danger.
• Talk to people and be uncomfortable. Part of being okay is letting yourself let go of what you knew of the world and finding deeper safety and love in this real, but sadder world.
• Laugh a lot! (maybe at slightly, twisted jokes). I work with youth who have caused sexual harm to others, often related to trauma they have experienced themselves. Sometimes it is so helpful when a co-worker makes a joke that should not leave the room but snaps us out of the sinking feeling in our stomachs. Sometimes you can’t understand or figure it out and it’s best to shake it off with laughter in the moment!
• This is often the one I am worst at: maintain clear boundaries. Over time, you know what you can handle and what puts you over the edge. The hardest part is saying no when you know someone needs you. There are countless situations where someone needs to say yes: to a parentless child, to a depressed friend, or to someone sobbing. The truth is we cannot say yes to all of them and they are happening whether we know it or not. Each one of us can say yes to a few and we have to know and trust that there is something or someone looking out for those we can’t always help.

Your life is necessary and I know you have already changed the lives of those you love. There is a reason to hope for healing, reconciliation, and peace because God promises that the Kingdom of Heaven is now. You, reader, have already helped.

References:
Harrison, R. L., & Westwood, M.J. “Preventing vicarious traumatization of mental health therapists: Identifying protective practices.” Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training 46, no. 2 (2009): 203.

Van Der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score. New York City: Viking, 2014.
White, Cissy. Email Interview. September 2016. http://healwritenow.com/contact-2/

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/27/caring-for-trauma-survivors-and-caring-for-yourself-in-the-process-everyday-tips-for-non-professionals/

These 5 Conversations Will Change Your Marriage for Good

How many arguments do you think started because of The Newlywed Game?

You’ve probably seen the game show in one of its many iterations since it first aired in 1966. The concept is simple: Bring in newly married couples. Separate them and ask questions about themselves, their relationship, and each other. Bring them back together and see how well they can guess what their spouse answered. The result was often humorous and always revealing — and it didn’t take a relationship expert to tell which couples were the strongest. The winners were the couples who knew the most about each other — and those who didn’t found themselves in an emotionally tense situation with their spouse on national television.

Through his years of research with couples, Dr. John Gottman has discovered something that may seem intuitive: In the strongest relationships, each partner is intimately familiar with the other’s world. Gottman conceptualizes this as a love map, meaning that each partner knows and can navigate the inner terrain of the one they love. They know their partner’s history, philosophy, raw spots, hopes for their future, and important relationships. He can name her coworkers, including which ones she grabs lunch with regularly and which ones she avoids in the break room. She knows that the holidays have been difficult for him ever since he lost his dad—even though he puts on a brave face for the kids.

This makes sense to us, and for good reason. One of our most basic needs as humans is the need to be seen, heard, and understood by others. This is why we communicate, connect, and create — we seek to be known by those who are important to us throughout our lives. Child development expert Dr. Karyn Purvis says that when a baby is born, they are looking for someone who is looking for them. From the moment we arrive on the scene, we need to know we matter to others and our cries are heard. Adult attachment researchers have noted that this need to be seen doesn’t end in childhood, but continues on into adulthood — and across the entire span of our life. As we date and mate, we continue to seek out deep, meaningful connections with others. We need to feel deeply known and understood.

This may sound a bit theoretical, but its application is remarkably practical. In your day to day life with you partner, find ways to know them better. Far too often, what causes relationships to suffer is not a major, life-altering rupture. It is the slow and steady disconnection caused by a lack of intentionally getting to know your partner better each day. The purpose of long-term, committed relationships runs deeper than joining bank accounts and sharing a bed—we mate and marry to love and be loved. As David Augsburger reminds us, being heard and understood is so close to being loved that it’s hard to tell the difference.

By developing a love map for your partner and your relationship, you can deepen your sense of security and connection, creating a safe haven that exists between the two of you. Here are five conversations that will enable you to become intimately familiar with the one you love:

Learn their history. Your partner lived years of life before they met you — and that history impacts their values, relationships, and outlook on life. By learning about your partner’s history, you can discover valuable information about how their past affects your present life together.

Get to know the characters in their life story. Who was the first person to break their heart? How do they feel about their boss? Who do they like to have fun with on a day off? Knowing who matters to them and how they interact with others will help you make sense of what is going on in their life.

Know what challenges they are currently facing. If your partner comes home exhausted or short-tempered from work, it would be really helpful to know that they have a big project due and a frustrating team member blocking their progress! Understanding their current stressors can help you have empathy for their feelings — and not take their stress responses personally.

Discuss your values and philosophies on life. Deepening your understanding of what matters to each other can help you in your shared decision-making and enable you both to live more meaningful lives together. Take time to discuss your opinions and experiences concerning spirituality and what it would mean to live a life of significance.

Ask about their hopes and dreams for the future. You want to grow old with this person — you should learn what their expectations are for the journey! As you make big decisions together like what house to buy, what city to live in, or how many children to have, understanding your partner’s hopes for the future will give you a compass to guide you forward.

Whether your current love map is a topographical masterpiece or just a rough sketch, you can improve your connection to the one you love starting today by filling in the blank spots. Take the time to have these five conversations with your partner — they will likely turn into many more. By knowing your partner’s experiences in the past, struggles in the present, and hopes for the future, you can strengthen your relationship and deepen the bond you share.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/27/these-5-conversations-will-change-your-marriage-for-good/

Signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Today

It’s clear that people from every socio-economic status today have experienced one or more life events that have caused emotional trauma, thus creating PTSD. It’s not just the “veteran’s ailment” and is gaining growing and needed recognition in the psychotherapeutic healing community.

PTSD is caused by childhood trauma, financial disasters, recession, loss of employment, loss of a relationally close family member, divorce, loss of home, sudden shift in life responsibilities as having to be a primary caretaker for an elderly family member, physical and chronic pain, loss of health and many other scenarios. These chaotic shifts create what neuroscientists are recently exploring in the brain, including cerebral atrophy and loss of gray matter. So becoming aware of PTSD symptoms can bring understanding to a person struggling to understand how to seek treatment.

Do you experience one or more of the following symptoms?

• Wandering of the mind, lack of focus, low memory recollection, especially short term memory.
• Flip flopping with decision making.
• Loss of confidence and trusting your own instincts.
• Staying on the surface instead of going deep enough since it feels too difficult to follow through to the end of a thought process.
• Limited physical energy, feel exhausted even after small tasks.
• Limited mental capacity.
• Social anxiety
• Sometimes not being able to separate reality from imagination.
• Starting something but not able to finish to completion.
• Waking up often at night, fitful sleep.
• Lethargy – physical and/or mental.
• Hopelessness, despair, depression.
• Addictive behavior as form of escape.
• Making poor choices that aggravate shame instead of making good choices to alleviate it.
• Having to lie to someone because you don’t want the shame of saying you’re too tired, you don’t remember or you can’t think deeply enough right now.
• Confusion at why you are experiencing this “brain fog” or “shell shock.”
• Simple things feel laborious and heavy to get through.
• Feel self loathing because you aren’t able to accomplish what you used to be able to do.
• Feel like you have lost control and not able to decide things quickly or at all.
• Overly protective of personal life and only sharing with safe people who don’t judge you.
• Feeling as though you’ve slipped from normal functioning to “survival mode.”

It’s very important to understand that experiencing co-occurring disorders as depression and anxiety can be a result of PTSD, so instead of quickly relying on a clinician to prescribe an anti-depressant, know that there are better ways to recover. Medications serve only as a band-aid approach, suppressing areas of the brain and don’t rewire and heal it. In some cases medications are warranted but they are not a long-term solution and many therapists see them as the “easy solution” instead of encouraging their clients to do cognitive repair work themselves.

Two very successful approaches that have been found to aid in trauma recovery are that of Self-Care techniques and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). These can also be done yourself after a few sessions with a good psychotherapist who is familiar with both. In many cases, recovery isn’t immediate, especially if you are dealing with a constant or increasing level of chaos. Yet integrating both of these recovery tactics into your life will show marked improvements in your capacity to deal with the stressors. Self-care has been shown to increase the gray matter in your brain, better equipping and strengthening it. CBT is a tremendous tool to becoming self-aware and will aid in brain recovery, since you are changing the way you are thinking and responding to the stressors. You will see yourself recalibrating back to what you know as more “normal” for you and even small shifts in thinking brings great relief.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/26/signs-of-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-today/

7 Ways to Move Forward After a Painful Breakup with a Friend

“It must’ve been love, but it’s over now! It must’ve been good, but I lost it somehow.” This 1990’s breakup song by Roxette was no doubt inspired by the end of a romantic relationship, but research shows these same themes — of pain and confusion — often mark breakups with friends as well.

Researchers at Manchester University, for example, found that women are often more traumatized by dumping their friends than ending things with a lover. Women, they discovered, tend to feel a sense of shame over releasing a friendship — often blaming themselves for shirking their sense of duty.

Though most try to avoid such painful experiences, friend breakups are sometimes unavoidable. And even necessary. Research has shown, for example, that toxic friendships can be linked to illness. And Dartmouth sociology professor Janice McCabe, even suggests that ending friendships can help us maintain a positive identity. When we end a relationship with a dishonest friend, for example, it helps us affirm our own commitment to honesty.

Whatever the reasons behind a friend breakup, the process of ending the relationship can be even more complicated than dumping a romantic partner. After all, romantic breakups are universally seen as painful experiences — events that warrant the compassion of others. And that’s because romantic relationships, of course, are readily understood as being deep attachments that provide life-giving companionship and support.

Despite the fact that friends often develop deep attachments and provide many similar benefits to each other, these platonic relationships are often seen as more disposable. We may, then, be surprised at how hard it is to get over an important friendship and by how difficult it is to draw support from others who may not recognize the deep loss we’ve experienced.

So how do we move on from the loss of a friendship? Here are 7 tips for letting go and pressing on toward well-being.

1. Take responsibility.
   Sometimes friendships end due to changes in circumstance — someone moves or gets a new job, for example. Other times, friends slowly grow in different directions, gradually distancing themselves without ever having a definitive breakup conversation. But there are times when we know exactly why things came to a halt, and we may even know how we contributed to the relationship’s demise. When this is the case, we want to be honest with ourselves as we reflect on what happened. It can be helpful to identify how our behavior broke from the behavior we hope to demonstrate in the future. Acknowledging that we have a choice to improve our behavior opens the door for personal growth and improved social success.
2. Get out of the blame game.
   When we blame others for a bad outcome, it often stunts our growth by falsely suggesting there’s nothing we can do to impact our social success. Sometimes it can be helpful to remember that rarely do others intentionally wake up with a plot to cause us pain, but rather they carry baggage and work with limited resources that may inhibit their ability to be a better friend. All of us have weaknesses that inevitably come out in the course of friendship.
3. Grieve your loss.
   First, release yourself from any expectations that you immediately get over the loss of a friend. Everyone grieves differently and grief looks different on different people. The important thing is to find a way to express your feelings, whether that be giving yourself permission to cry, talking to a trusted friend or family member, or journaling about your feelings. Remember that healing doesn’t mean you have to like that the friendship ended, only that you make peace with what happened.
4. Celebrate your strengths.
   Friendship breakups often trigger feelings of blame, failure, and rejection, which can damage our self-esteem. As you’re processing your grief, it can be helpful to spend some time listing your own strengths as well as noting other friends and positive circumstances you have to be grateful about. When we remind ourselves that we still have access to good things, even though we are experiencing sadness, it can lessen the power of our negative feelings.
5. Compose your thoughts.
   Try to narrow down one or two main insights you have gained from the loss of this friendship. Perhaps you have learned not to trust people too quickly, for example. Rather than overwhelming your senses by trying to list every single little thing that went wrong and every wrong done to you, stick to the one or two lessons important for forming better relationships in the future. State these confidently and concisely, aloud or on paper. This helps us feel that our pain has given us some value, which sometimes allows us to more easily release it.
6. Nurture your need for community.
   When we’re grieving, we may not notice that our reduced energy levels have caused us to isolate ourselves. Rather than expecting other people to notice your condition, take initiative to talk to other friends or family members who are likely to express care and compassion. Spending time with other friends also positively reinforces our self-esteem, reminding us that we are loved and can still experience social satisfaction despite our losses. If you’re unable to find friends who can recognize and respond to your grief, it may be helpful to seek the help of a professional counselor who can work with you to move beyond your current hurt.
7. Live your best life.
   While it can be tempting to want to enact some sort of revenge, or make our former friend pay for their misdeeds, the best kind of “revenge” is a life well-lived. Remind yourself that although the loss is legitimately painful, you do not need that particular friend to experience happiness. The world has many other pleasurable, enjoyable people and experiences that you can partake in that have nothing to do with that person. So whether it be exploring some new sight-seeing destinations, joining a gym, or trying out a new hobby, try to fill your time doing more of what you love during your stage of loss. This will reduce the time you spend revisiting painful memories and recycling bad experiences and will increase your chances of having positive social interactions with others.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/26/7-ways-to-move-forward-after-a-painful-breakup-with-a-friend/

Psychology Around the Net: November 26, 2016

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

Also, Happy Belated Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans!

I hope each and every one of you had a day (or, are still have a few days!) of time spent with your loved ones appreciating all the blessings in your life — and, if you don’t already, I hope you spend some time to do that every day.

This week’s Psychology Around the Net takes a look at the latest on sexism related to men’s mental health, the stigma of mental illness in the hip-hop community, how creativity benefits or hampers emotional wellbeing, and more.

Sexism May Be Bad for Men’s Mental Health: Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re aware of how damaging sexism can be to women; however, now psychologists say sexism is harmful to men, too. For the past three decades, experts have studied “the concept of toxic masculinity,” focusing heavily on “traditionally male attributes” and have highlighted how “conforming to traditionally masculine qualities like dominance, self-reliance, and competitiveness could be harmful to men and the people around them.”

Kanye West’s Travails Help Hip-Hop Open Up on Mental Health: These days, more celebrities are opening up about mental health struggles more than every before; however, in light of rapper Kanye West’s recent hospitalization in UCLA’s psychiatric ward, “the pressures on hip-hop artists to conceal mental health vulnerabilities have come under almost unprecedented scrutiny.”

Behavioral Activation: The Depression Therapy You’ve Likely Never Heard Of: Growing evidence shows behavioral activation — not to be confused with cognitive behavioral therapy — could be as effective in treating depression. While cognitive behavioral therapy takes an “inside out” approach, behavioral activation goes the way of “outside in.”

Creative Activities Promote Day-to-Day Wellbeing: New research from New Zealand’s University of Otago suggests that everyday creative activities can cause an “upward spiral” of increased wellbeing among young adults. Says lead researcher Dr. Tamlin Conner, “There is growing recognition in psychology research that creativity is associated with emotional functioning. However, most of this work focuses on how emotions benefit or hamper creativity, not whether creativity benefits or hampers emotional wellbeing.”

States With the Happiest and Unhappiest Workers (Infographic): Sokanu, a career discovery platform, pulled together data from more than 250,000 workers in the United States to determine which states had the highest and which states had the lowest numbers of happy workers. Where does your state rank?

Smashing Away Rage Is Now All the Rage (Video): Have you heard about so-called “rage rooms”? Check out this quick video on why they’re growing in popularity (and why some psychologists believe the long-term psychological benefits seem “iffy.”

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/26/psychology-around-the-net-november-26-2016/

How Facebook Helped Me Cope with My Mother’s Death

Something authentically good finally came to me from social media…

Grief can nag at you a little bit at a time, or rush in and overwhelm you all at once.

This is my own true story about that nagging kind of depression and grief — and how it moved through me.

I Avoid Grieving My Dad’s Death So I Can Pretend He’s Still Alive

I apologize in advance: it’s not about cute puppies or kittens of a family of ducklings being returned to their mama mallard. This is about the deeply profound way I was blessed by my connections on social media. I hope it blesses you too.

My mom passed away on September 14, 2001.

I was sad then, terribly sad. She never knew about 9/11, because no one had the heart to tell her during her final few days. I’m certain she believed right up to her last breath that she would somehow recover. I have an American flag that flew over the Capital around that time, which I cherish and refer to as “Mom’s flag.”

I have grieved Mom’s passing little by little since then. There’s no way I could have rushed it. The grief isn’t debilitating, but I’ve wondered over the years if the sadness will ever stop completely.

Of course, I also remember Mom with joy.

This year on the anniversary of her passing — when Facebook reminded me (!) — I shared my favorite photo of Mom…again. I usually write a simple “In memoriam,” maybe tag my kids, sister and a few other family members, and just click to post it.

But this time I was moved to write the following:

“This lovely being took her last breath on our Earth fifteen years ago this morning. Her music students elsewhere must really enjoy her spirit, happiness and belief in them. I know I did. In so many ways I still do. Every day. Thanks Mom…I love you.”

It felt different this time…

Around that same time, I received a number of those “Congratulations on your work anniversary!” messages on LinkedIn. It only takes a click to send one. I imagine you’ve probably done that many times for colleagues and friends when LinkedIn reminds you.

The odd thing is that instead of sending a bunch of “Thank you!” replies, this time that didn’t feel right, so I just let all those messages stack up unanswered.

I was actually a bit annoyed at LinkedIn for making it so easy for so many to say so little.

On the morning of September 14, 2016, something triggered me about how to respond to those LinkedIn easy-click messages. Why not write a heartfelt note of appreciation back to each one of the people who’d congratulated me? “But that would take hours!” said the nag in my mind.

A second later, reason set in and I realized technology could help make that process a bit easier, so I added personal notes to some of the replies I wrote that day.

The basic text for all of them was this:

“I know it seems like just a click, but your congratulations to me came at a most necessary moment. Changing careers mid-life is not easy, and as you know, I’ve been at it for several years. So many men in my position have taken their own lives when their dreams failed to match the reality of their world.

Holding on to my own personal legend in the face of overwhelming fear, failing courage, the questioning looks of colleagues, friends, and even family from time to time — this is hard. Your encouragement, simple as it was, gave me one more reason to be grateful, to feel supported, to want to strive to realize what’s in my heart.

It’s not about “beating the odds.” Isn’t it more about what each of us does together to recognize our individual value and role in the big picture that moves us closer to our dreams? You have done that for me, and for that thoughtfulness and for your grace to extend it my way, I thank you.

May your day today be as blessed as you have made mine. Be well.”

Sometimes Deleting People Is The Only Way To Stay SANE On Facebook

It took about an hour to respond to everyone who’d clicked a congrats my way. Afterward, I just went on with my day and didn’t think much more about it.

What hadn’t hit me yet was that this year grief had worked on something inside me. Being reminded of my work anniversary and Mom’s passing produced a very unusual response for me compared to how I have experienced those events in the past.

I don’t usually set up social media notifications on purpose. I find them too distracting.

So later that afternoon, when I checked my LinkedIn messages, what I found honestly moved me to tears.

I really hadn’t expected the digital “thank you” notes I sent to produce much of a response. But it turned out that so many acquaintances, colleagues, and friends actually took time to write back to me with authenticity, affirmation, appreciation, and personal stories of their own that I felt for the first time that something transformational and authentic could really come from social media! Real, live, genuine take-the-time-to-write-a-few-hundred-words messages. Not just click-back text.

I wasn’t prepared for the wealth of human compassion and encouragement that came pouring toward me. If the new feelings I’d had that morning about Mom unlocked something new inside me, the responses of my LinkedIn connections blew those doors right off their hinges.

I think I’d been holding on to some kind of hidden grief, feeling that Mom’s passing had somehow left the world in shorter supply of love. Clearly, that isn’t so.

And with that moment of clarity I was able at last to let go of Mom in a way I’d never been able to before.

I don’t feel more distant from Mom, although I’ve finally laid aside some of the nagging grief that’s lived inside me for so long. I just feel closer to the essence of Mom’s joy, her boundless love, and her music. Perhaps the lesson she lived by example — to give without thought of what you may get in return — found a way to into my soul to replace that nagging grief.

Thank you, social media connections, for making this anniversary beautiful.

As annoying as growing up can be, and for all the times I’ve groaned, done it anyhow, and then thought “she told me so!,” you, my digital friends, have proven to me in a tangible way what mother knew best.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The Unexpected Way Facebook Helped Me Heal From My Mother’s Death.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/25/how-facebook-helped-me-cope-with-my-mothers-death/

Accepting the Gift of Criticism

Criticism is often shot with such irrationally charged arrows that it’s natural to yield a defensive shield, which can deflect any kind of positive resolution or self-growth.

Also, criticism can be jarring to one’s self-image. For instance, if you perceive yourself as a productive member of your company and someone declares that you’re a slacker, it can be a blow to your ego. It’s natural, then, to try and combat criticism.

Some people will react to critical words by withdrawing. Others like to rationalize criticism by spewing out a stream of excuses. And some people like to resort to counterattacks by criticizing the criticizer. These tactics not only often escalate conflict; they also block most any kind of positive resolution.

What are the best ways, then, to deal with criticism? Listed below are four constructive tips mentioned in the International Toastmasters Interpersonal Communication Guidebook:

1. Listen & Ask Questions

We often take criticism at face value. Yet, many times there’s a lot of emotional history hiding behind critical comments. It’s your job to listen with an open mind and to ask questions to increase your understanding of what’s really being said. For instance, if someone is criticizing you for forgetting his birthday, perhaps it’s really because he feels as if you don’t value your friendship as much as he does.

If you take the time to ask what other things you may have forgotten, it may give you even more answers, which can help you resolve the conflict further.

2. Acknowledge

Let the criticizer know that you have listened to him. This, alone, can reduce the criticizer’s anger. It also allows a safe communication process in which emotions are more openly discussed. You don’t have to agree with the content of the criticism, yet in recognizing the other person’s feelings, you are showing respect and consideration. It can be as simple as saying: “I understand that you’re hurt because I forgot your birthday.”

3. Paraphrase

If you use your own words to paraphrase what the other person has said, it gives the criticizer a way to clarify his thoughts and also correct you if you have misunderstood anything. This will help you gain further insight regarding the criticizer’s feelings, and will likely encourage a more positive resolution. It’s as simple as repeating back — in your own words — what the other person has already said.

4. Agree with the Truth

Make sure to acknowledge the truth. If there’s any merit to a criticism, admit it. For instance, you might say, “I did forget your birthday, and I’m very sorry for that.” This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with the criticizer’s interpretation of the facts. For example, you don’t have to accept the judgment of the friend who says that because you forgot his birthday, you don’t care about the friendship.

However, maybe you can still learn from your friend’s judgment — whether it happens to be an accurate barometer of your true feelings or not. Perhaps you tend to forget other important dates as well, which may make your other friends feel as if you don’t care as much as you really do. In this way, the criticizer has given you the gift of self-growth, a way in which you can change your outward behavior to better match your true feelings.

In conclusion, the sting of criticism can often be reduced when you remain calm and learn how to listen to what is really being said. When you continue to show respect to the person who is criticizing you — no matter how irrational and angry he may be — you are also allowing yourself to better accept the gift of mutual understanding and self-knowledge.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/25/accepting-the-gift-of-criticism/

3 Mindfulness Tips to Reduce Anxiety

Have you ever had your heart race, palms become sweaty, or have difficulty focusing because you’re so nervous? These are some of the signs of anxiety. Anxiety can be debilitating for some people, and for others it might just be a few minutes of feeling nervous. Unfortunately, for some people when it does hit, it can cause you to freeze and be unable to focus, respond, or engage in everyday tasks. For most people, anxiety is the result of thinking about something out of your control, or of something in the future. Jon Kabat-Zinn PhD, is the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). According to Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness is “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.“

Regulate Your Breathing

One of the most common physical reactions when someone experiences anxiety is that their breathing rate increases or mind races. For many people, anxiety is the result of thinking about something out of their control, or of something in the future. Using the basis of mindfulness, and paying attention on purpose, notice your breath as it goes in through your nostrils, and then again as you let your breath out through your mouth. Start by taking 3 slow deep breaths, and when you breathe in say “in” to yourself, hold for a count of at least 4, and then say “out” to yourself as you release the breath. When you are focusing in the moment on your breath, and only on your breath, it’s hard to focus on anything else. If needed, you can continue past three breaths, and do this until you are able to regulate your breathing.

If that technique is too challenging, or uncomfortable, try counting with each breath until you reach 10. Therefore, each breath in and out is a count. When your mind starts to wander, which is really normal, start back at the number one. Most people don’t reach 10, and that is okay. The important part is that you bring your attention back to your breath which helps you focus in the moment, therefore helping to decrease anxiety.

Use Your Senses

Once again, by being mindful and paying attention to your senses, you can only focus on what you are paying attention to in the moment.

Notice the following:

• 5 Things You Can See
  • What you can see around you.
  • What you can see in your mind if you close your eyes.
• 4 Things You Can Touch
  • You can touch your arms, legs, etc, or things around you.
  • You can pay attention to how your feet are touching the ground.
  • How your legs are touching the chair you’re sitting on.
  • How your back is touching the back of the chair or couch you’re sitting on.
  • You can touch things around you.
• 3 Things You Can Hear
  • What sounds can you hear?
    • If you’re outside, pay attention to nature sounds, or maybe an airplane flying over head.
    • If you’re inside, notice other voices in the room, music playing, the air conditioner running.
• 2 Things You Can Smell
  • Notice if there is a particular scent in the air.
  • Scratch your nails on an orange, and smell the scent that comes from that.
  • Use essential oils (i.e., lavender is often calming)
• 1 Thing You Can Taste
  • Is there something you can find to eat?
  • Chew gum.
  • Pay attention to the taste of a hard candy in your mouth.

Engage in an Activity that Takes Focus

• Color in a coloring book or coloring a mandala. When you are coloring in small spaces, it takes a lot of focus to stay in the lines.
• Play a musical instrument.
• Bake something. This takes a lot of focus because when you’re baking, the measurements must be exact.
• Knit, cross-stitch, or crochet.
• Or choose another activity that you enjoy in which you have to focus.

However you choose to engage in a mindful activity, remember that the key is to try and stay in the present moment, and avoid looking at future events to help reduce any symptoms of anxiety.

If you are experiencing anxiety and would like to seek out some support, please feel free to contact me to set up an appointment.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/25/3-mindfulness-tips-to-reduce-anxiety/

Best of Our Blogs: November 25, 2016

As I write this, it’s Thanksgiving morning. There is havoc in my two kid household. But that is normal. The sound of crying, whining and meltdowns (which could or could not be coming from the grown ups as well), is not the peaceful gathering we dream of. Some days, I think longly of the time before kids when I could sleep in, have time to daydream and waste time as I saw fit. And then I remember.

We all so easily throw away what we have for the idea of something better. We see an update on Facebook, a blog post or an email, and all of the things we thought were beautiful, seem not good enough.

As you read this, it will be the day after Thanksgiving. Maybe you’re braving the malls for black Friday or you’re bracing yourself for the upcoming holidays. I hope that you can appreciate the preciousness of this moment.

Let us all remember gratitude, not for anything big or momentous, but for the ordinary things that we take for granted like being here.

Thank you dear readers, whoever and wherever you are, for reading this post. I am grateful for you.

Top 10 Holiday Defense Mechanisms
(The Exhausted Woman) – This explains why there is an elephant in the room at your holiday gathering, why a relative made a sarcastic remark to you and why someone at Thanksgiving didn’t show up or left early.

What is an HSP? – Understanding the Highly Sensitive Person
(NLP Discoveries) – You’re sensitive. But are you highly sensitive? Read this to find out everything you need and want to know about highly sensitive people.

When “Self Care” becomes Self Indulgence (And How to Spot the Difference)
(The Art of Private Practice) – There is a thin line between self care and self indulgence. How can you tell if your desire to take care of yourself is actually an excuse to avoid responsibility? This post will give you the tough truth and tips for how to really engage in self-care activities.

Are You in a Passive Aggressive Relationship? Attitudes, Excuses and Coping Skills
(Anger Management) – Feel victimized by a person who always has to get their way? Instead of blaming, assuming responsibility or feeling guilty in response, try these techniques to disengage from their passive aggressive anger.

How Women Can Overcome People-Pleasing and Perfectionism
(Happily Imperfect) – If you struggle with feeling good enough, you’re not alone. Women often battle with the fear of being rejected or abandoned. But when you work hard to please others and be perfect, you’re doing so at expense of your self-esteem and self-worth.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/11/25/best-of-our-blogs-november-25-2016/