7 Ways to Keep Fear from Stopping Creativity

The process of creating something from nothing can be terrifying, especially when thinking you have to do it all by yourself. Knowing how to be open and permeated by the world you are living in helps, because then everything around you becomes material for your creation. The world around starts to look like a friendly collaborator — with the design to inspire and inform you.

All of a sudden the woman talking too loudly in the coffee shop is dropping lines that work their way into the character you are writing about, the jerk who stepped in front of you in the elevator has a saying on his t-shirt that becomes the title to your next chapter, and that smell you notice while walking past the bakery has cardamom in it, the missing ingredient you have been searching for.

But there is a process between throwing up your antennae to the heavens for inspiration, grounding to the earth for the energy, and opening your system to be permeated by the universe so that the act of creation becomes a wild collaborative act with everything around you.

Because fear can get in the way. Fear is, without doubt, an enemy of the creative process — until you know how to channel it. What’s worse, if you don’t know how to listen to fear, and hear it as something separate from yourself, you might actually believe that what it is saying is true.

When fear comes to me, it often says things like, “There is someone out there who could do this better. You won’t finish, why should you waste so much time on it? You don’t know enough to write about this.”

The only way to work with fear, it to face it straight on. Here is one of my favorite meditations and exercises when working with students:

1. Imagine that you are in an empty white room. You notice that there is door. You approach that door, knowing that when you open it, you are going to see fear standing on the other side.
2. When you are ready, open the door. What do you see? What shape does it take? Does it look like someone you know? Has it shown up as an animal? A symbol? How tall is it? (mine often looks like a great big mop monster).
3. Ask it to tell you what it has to say to you. Start to recognize the script that has been going on in your head that you might not have known was fear talking. What does its voice sound like? It is high? Low? Squeaky? Convincing? Does it sound ridiculous now that are you actually giving it your full attention? Or more convincing than ever?
4. Notice that in its right hand it has something for you. It is a gift. When it opens its palm, you can see what the gift is. What is it? It may be a symbol that you don’t immediately understand. That’s ok. Say thank you to your fear for showing itself to you today and close the door.
5. Now return to your journal and start writing about what you saw. Make note of the script that Fear likes to repeat. And take a look at the gift and what it means to you. If the symbol is mysterious, you can do a free write beginning with, “I am Fear,” I am here to say…” Or “I am the gift of fear, my message is…” and see what wants to come through.
6. Draw a picture of your fear. Give it a place in your life so you know where it lives. If you sit down to write and it rears it’s ugly head, rather than become paralyzed by it say, “Ok Fear, you got 60 seconds, go.” On the page that you have drawn fear, now let yourself write for 60 seconds everything it wants to say that day. But only for 60 seconds, because you have more important things to do, like create that amazing creation that is begging for your attention.

One of the most powerful things you can do is take the time to face and listen to your fear. It might be just trying to scare you away from the page, or it might be begging you to face the fact that you just wrote 300 pages in the wrong direction of your book. But when you get in the habit of making the distinction between fear being a voice in your head, rather than the truth, then you can start to use it as an ally and a tool.

This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/28/7-ways-to-keep-fear-from-stopping-creativity/

Guy Therapy: Why It’s So Important!

Most people who seek out psychotherapy are women. The reason for this, it’s been said, is that women are more open to expressing their emotions and asking for help and support. Guys, in contrast, are viewed as too macho or too self-contained to consider therapy.

Damn, they can’t even ask for directions, how are they going to ask for help when feeling vulnerable, weak or confused? Why would they want to yakity yak about their problems to a complete stranger? This is akin to exposing the chink in one’s armor. And who would want to do that?
 
But, it seems to me that we’re unfairly judgmental, because we don’t appreciate that traditional talk therapy has always been more oriented toward women’s ways. When you are in therapy, you are supposed to talk about emotional stuff, self-disclose, explore feelings, reflect on the past, trust your therapist and be open to receiving help, suggestions and advice. This is a woman’s dream. Expressing feelings is easy for most of us. Opening up to a non-judgmental, listening ear is heaven for us. Feeling understood is what we crave. Trusting others who know more than we know makes us feel secure. 
 
For most men, however, it’s different. It’s harder for men to trust another person with their innermost feelings. From the time they were little boys, they’ve gotten the message that they need to be “tough” and “competitive.” Showing fear or weakness is shameful. A boy learns early on that he is not supposed to be “too sensitive.” If he is, he pays the heavy price of being ridiculed or ostracized by his peers. 
 
As adults, many men still feel that there is no safe environment in which they can express their feelings. They may long for emotional intimacy, but expressing themselves often backfires on them. Why? 
 
Because when men finally open up and “talk about it,” they often feel worse, not better.  Too often, they end up (at home and at work) with unsolicited advice. He’s told what’s wrong with him, what he should or shouldn’t be doing or what he never should have done. Feeling bruised, he withdraws to his cave to lick his wounds.
 
Hence, it’s no wonder that many guys resist traditional talk therapy. They know that it requires them to do things they are uncomfortable with: “open up”, “trust”, “express feelings” and “accept help.”
 
Therapy is viewed as even more threatening if he is “sent” to it by a spouse making an ultimatum, a work situation that demands it or a family intervention. He may fear, sometimes rightly so, that he will be criticized, ridiculed, patronized or asked questions that will make him look like he’s stupid. As a defense against these feelings, he may enter therapy with an attitude of superiority (you can’t teach me anything), entitlement (I’ll do whatever I want to do) and contempt for others and for the process of psychotherapy (this is all bull shit).
 
Now, before I receive a slew of angry letters, the description above is not true for all men. Yet, it is true for many men. So rather than expecting men to set aside their socialization experience and adapt to traditional therapy, I think it’s well past time for therapy to become oriented toward guy’s ways.
 
Here’s my idea of effective guy therapy:

• An emphasis on exploring how you “think” rather than how you “feel.”
• Appealing to a man’s competence and strengths to remedy whatever problem he faces.
• Exploring “fix-it” solutions that bolster men’s egos.
• Being sensitive to a man’s discomfort with vulnerability.
• Using metaphors that men use (sports, business, computers, cars, tools) as a way of  “running the ball down the field.”

 As men come to believe that therapy respects and values their ways of being in the world, they might be much more open to the process.

©2017

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/28/guy-therapy-why-its-so-important/

Best of Our Blogs: February 28, 2017

How do you define wellness?

Would it look like an illness-free or symptom-free life? Would it mean the ability to maintain a steady job, exercise regularly, or cultivate healthy relationships?

And how will you get there?

Would wellness entail eating certain foods, taking time to rest, doing things you love or all of the above?

Just like any goal, we need to be clear about what success will look like and what steps we need to take to get there.

We’re already at the end of February, how are you doing with your resolutions?

If you need a little boost, the following posts will guide you toward the relationships and emotional wellness you’re dreaming of.

A Surprising, Hidden Cause of Depression
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – This explains why challenges floor you and how you can pick yourself up even if you’re feeling depressed.

What’s My Attachment Style and Why Does It Matter?
(Happily Imperfect) – Still grappling with your last failed romantic relationship? Here’s what you need to understand.

Cheating Men Are from Mars; Cheating Women from Venus
(Surviving Infidelity) – Why do people cheat? Here’s why it matters if you’re a man or woman.

Symptom of the Day: Excessive Sleep
(Bipolar Laid Bare) – Sleeping too much lately? Here’s why you should be concerned if you’re experiencing excessive sleepiness.

Are You Rejection Sensitive? How to Tell. What to Do.
(Knotted) – It’s why you can’t handle rejection and what you can do about it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/28/best-of-our-blogs-february-28-2017/

Researchers Created a Song to Help Combat Anxiety

Play on.

People with anxiety handle how they grapple with the disorder in different ways.

Some ignore it, others use medication, others seek out talk therapy.

12 Things Only People With Anxiety Can Teach You About Life

I have tried all three of those and found that a combination of the second two are the most helpful.

That said, if you’re a person with an anxiety disorder, you’re not just going to magically one day be healed.

I manage my anxiety well, but I still get panic attacks and I still have anxious days. That just comes with the territory.

That’s why, when I read that researchers have literally created A SONG that has reduced anxiety by 67% in everyone who listened to it, I basically went running for my headphones.

Researchers at MindLab in the UK teamed up with Marconi Union to try and create a song that was designed to soothe and reduce stress.

The musicians teamed up with sound therapists to create music that could lower the heart rate, blood pressure, and actual cortisol (the hormone that causes stress) levels of the people listening to it.

The end result is an 8-minute track called “Weightless” that the neuroscientists in charge of the program say is so effective that you SHOULD NOT listen to it while you drive.

As a person with a generalized anxiety disorder, I know how easy it is to feel isolated, desperate, and afraid.

If a song like this can take away some of that hurt, why not try it?

One thing I’ve discovered as I’ve begun to write more about anxiety and talk more about it on social media is that anxiety is more common than you might think, especially among people in Generation Y.

Why is this anxiety so common among me and my peers?

The answer is actually kind of surprising.

Researcher and writer Rachel Dove reported that more than half of all female university students report feeling anxiety, and in researching why, she found:

“The rise of technology, overly-protective parenting and “exam-factory” schooling are among the reasons psychologists suggest for our generational angst. Another, brought up on multiple occasions by my peers and by psychologists I spoke to, is the luxury (as ungrateful as it sounds) of too much choice.”

It might sound silly, but it makes a lot of sense.

10 Quick Ways To Relax When You’re Freaked Out And STRESSED Out

Life can be a lot easier when you don’t have any choices to make.

Being given a multitude of options can be, well, deeply overwhelming.

Combine that with the pressures of “success”, whatever that means, and the fear of missing out on ANYTHING fun, perpetuated by social media and you’ve got a perfect firestorm for anxiety.

You need to find the treatment that works best for you.

It doesn’t matter if that treatment is a song, a pill, a long walk, or talking to your therapist for an hour or two every week.

Do what you need to do to feel as awesome as possible, because you ARE awesome, and just because your brain goes a little haywire sometimes that doesn’t make you worth less as a person or less cool to know.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The One Song You Need To Hear That Cuts Anxiety By More Than Half.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/27/researchers-created-a-song-to-help-combat-anxiety/

Why Radical Decency Is Even More Essential Now

Each day since the new administration entered the White House, questions of personal, cultural, and systemic values have swirled about like so many grains of sand in a tempest. They are unlikely to settle down anytime soon. The winds of change are blowing and it is still unclear where we will land. One thing for certain is that it is a bumpy ride.

On either end of the political spectrum, people have been called to examine where they stand and what they stand up for. Complacency, closed eyes, minds, and hearts are a luxury we no longer have.

Living on a planet that when beheld from above has no clear dividing lines, boundaries or borders, we humans pretend that they exist and allow them to separate us, and crave what others have. Some are willing to kill and die for property and ethos. What if we adopted a belief that embraced multiple philosophies — an “in addition to, rather than instead of” — and a set of filters through which we run our decisions that ask how it will impact the whole, not just our bubble and the people we allow in it?

Philadelphia-based psychotherapist and attorney Jeff Garson, JD, LCSW endorses the practical philosophy known as Radical Decency. In an article in Tikkun Magazine, Garson explains, “Radical Decency is a comprehensive approach to living. It is not about feeling better — or about treating others more decently — or about saving the world. It is about these things. The reason? We are profoundly creatures of habit and, as a result, each area of living is deeply and irrevocably intertwined with the others.”

And he elaborates, “At its core, Radical Decency grows out of this simple premise: If we whole-heartedly commit to this different way of living, allowing it to guide our day-by-day, moment-by-moment choices, we have a fighter’s chance of leading a better life and more effectively contributing to a better world.”

Defining Decency

According to Dictionary.com: “conformity to the recognized standard of propriety, good taste, or modesty.” Keep in mind that various cultures have different standards and mores. How then, do we determine what is proper?

What Are the Values By Which You Live?

Deanna was raised by parents who modeled love, kindness, generosity, and volunteerism. They had friends from all different social strata, religions and cultural origin. She witnessed their “love in action” philosophy and consciously chose to emulate them, volunteering at their local hospital and a recycling center in the community in her teens. As a young adult, she marched and rallied for the ERA, the environment, as well as human and animal rights. Her career as therapist, clergy, and journalist now have her on the “front lines”, working with those who are impacted by the state of the world. She uses the concepts embraced by Radical Decency to shape her worldview and inform the steps she takes each day.

On the other end of the spectrum, she observes people who live in fear that there won’t be enough for them, so they are determined to grasp their share and then some. Unable to see beyond their limiting beliefs, they seem to be perpetually distressed. She is bewildered at times when she notices people fouling their own nests, leaving emotional and physical messes for others to clean up and taking little responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

Deanna began to explore what Radical Decency meant to her. Social conscience melded with personal need. Although not totally altruistic, she discovered that when she ‘did good,’ she felt good and it spurred her on to offer more of the gifts she had been given to be of service. Peace and social justice became watchwords for her. Each day as she goes out into the world, she asks herself what difference she can make in the lives of her clients, students, family, friends and even ‘strangers’ she meets. It is, as she has discovered, a conscious choice, rather than an incidental experience.

Are You a Positive Change Agent?

There are numerous opportunities to engage in socially conscious acts.

• Begin within. Examine your own beliefs. Most arise from family of origin and culture. If they no longer serve, you are at liberty to change them.
• Cultivate inner peace in the face of external turmoil. Meditation, contemplation, and prayer assist many in finding balance so as not to get swept away in chaos.
• Develop a philosophy that is inclusive, rather than exclusive. What each of us does has a lasting impact on the entire world. What legacy do you want to leave?
• Put legs under your values. Be of service. Determine to what area you are drawn. It can be as simple as going grocery shopping for a homebound friend, shoveling the driveway for a neighbor, picking up litter on the sidewalk, volunteering in a soup kitchen, animal shelter, faith community or political committee. It might look like striking up a conversation with a stranger who becomes a friend.
• Although it isn’t always easy, see those whose opinions vary from yours as valid for them, since if you had their experiences you might hold the same views and take the same actions. If you decide to dialogue with them about differing beliefs, remain open minded. You may learn something about them and yourself.
• Clean up your side of the street and be in integrity. Walk the talk.
• Join with kindred spirits whose work is positively world changing. No one is an island and in the presence of others with common goals, anything is possible.

In various cultures, there are greetings that reflect the unity between people.  The Mayan tradition uses the words In Lak’ech Ala K’in which translates to “I am another yourself.” A Sanskrit acknowledgment is Namaste which means, “The Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you.” “Mitakuye Oyasin” in the Lakota language speaks of “All my relations.”

There is a story that reflects the idea of Radical Decency. A person dies and is met by St. Peter. She asks the guardian at the gate to show her the difference between heaven and hell. She is first ushered into a room that had a long table filled with the most luscious foods imaginable. The aroma was intoxicating and she found herself salivating wildly. She noticed that the people were moaning in pain; starving amid plenty. She asked how that could happen and St. Peter pointed out that each person had a spoon or fork attached to their arms that were too long to be able to scoop up the food and get it into their mouths.

“This is hell,” said her guide.

“Show me heaven,” she begged.

They walked into the next room where she beheld the same kind of table, food, and utensils. These folks were in a celebratory mood, laughing, smiling and well nourished.

“How could this be?” she queried.

He replied, “Don’t you notice that these people had learned to feed each other across the table?”

Each of us has a place at the table, and we are all responsible for growing and harvesting the food, preparing it, having good table manners and cleaning up afterward. In that way, we can be assured that there is enough for everyone.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/27/why-radical-decency-is-even-more-essential-now/

What Prompts You to Quarrel?

“We are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves.” – William Hazlitt

Sometimes you just want to pick a fight. You might not even know why you feel so inclined to argue, only that you do. Once the words blurt from your lips, though, it’s hard to take them back without some pain on the part of you or the other person or persons. There’s good reason for the recommendation to think before you speak. Still, what really prompts you to want to quarrel? Is it organic, something external or internal?

To look at why we quarrel it may be instructive to first examine what happens when everything feels great. If you wake up in the morning and eagerly welcome the day, find the positives in life as soon as your feet touch the floor upon getting out of bed, the likelihood that you’ll find yourself prone to picking a fight isn’t very high.

Granted, some unforeseen event could happen — a traffic jam that results in you being late for work, a disagreement over a project, an unexpected bill or bad news — that sours your mood, making you a little more prone to being testy with others. But being able to find the good instead of the bad may outweigh temporary negatives.

On the other hand, when you feel bad about yourself, when you are sad for an extended period, feel like you’ve missed out on life, that you’re destined for failure, that you lack the abilities or intelligence or miss out on lucky opportunities, you might be much more willing to find fault with others – and lash out at them with angry or unkind words.

If one of your goals in life is to maximize your happiness and increase a sense of fulfillment, it might be a good idea to work on those dissatisfied feelings you have about yourself. If you’re unhappy that you don’t know how to do something, one approach might be to take a class or research the subject until you gain more familiarity with it. If what’s troubling you is that you’re always in debt, getting some help to set up a budge or taking on a side job might ease that stress and alleviate the pressure a bit.

Maybe you hate the way you look and would dearly love to feel more positively about yourself. This might be a psychological issue that’s best helped with professional counseling, although trying to get at the root of exactly what the issue is may take some time. In the interim, look at what you really enjoy and do more of that. Be with people you like and spend time outdoors in the sunshine. Eat well-balanced meals and get plenty of sleep. A well-nourished and well-rested body will do wonders for your overall disposition. Quite possibly, such self-care will help you resist the urge to quarrel with others, since you’ll be more pleased with yourself to begin with.

Could it be that you’re in a toxic or unsatisfying relationship and that’s what prompts you to quarrel? When you’re constantly at odds with the person closest to you, you’re more likely to engage in arguments and heated debates. There’s never a clear winner here. Even if you or your partner think you’ve won, you haven’t. The relationship has been diminished and there’s a sour taste left by the disagreement and the behavior associated with quarreling. Most relationships aren’t easily dissolved, however, nor should they be. The key is to find an acceptable middle ground, to agree to disagree, to lay aside hard feelings and find a way to compromise. It may sting to begin with, but the long-term effect that learning to live with each other in mutual respect and love will be well worth the effort.

Here are some other points to keep in mind when you feel you’re about to pick a verbal fight:

• Words are very powerful. Once spoken, they can never be taken back. Choose what you say carefully, being mindful that they have a lasting effect and one that may not be what you intended.
• If you can’t suppress the urge to quarrel, put some distance between yourself and the other person. Physically leave the room. Go for a walk. Work on a demanding task or one that completely absorbs you. If the other person seems determined to pursue you, quietly inform him or her that you don’t want to argue, so you’re going to do something else.
• What about a history of quarreling? Can you work to eliminate some of the hard feelings such argumentativeness caused? While this will take some time, if you are serious about wanting to make amends for your past quarrels, say so. Also, actions speak louder than words. Do something kind for the injured party. Be consistent in displaying appropriate, respectful behavior. This is an instance where time may heal old wounds, so be hopeful and diligent in trying to make things right.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/27/what-prompts-you-to-quarrel/

Why Parents Shouldn’t Ignore These 6 Behavior Problems

Little often turns to big.

Everyone always says, “It’s no big deal just ignore it.” That strategy is alright some of the time, but not all of the time.

Ignoring mild misbehavior is a legitimate parenting strategy. It shows your little one that their antics won’t get your attention. This means the child will be less likely to repeat it in the future.

Hilarious Parenting Tips From Louis CK & Other Famous Dads

However, not all behavior should be ignored. If it is, it will lead to worse problems down the road.

Keep a look out for these small misbehaviors and take action ASAP. Here are 6 little behavior problems you can’t ignore:

1. Interrupting When You’re Talking.

Your child may be really excited and want to tell you an important part about their day. When you allow your child to butt into your conversation, you give your child the message that it’s alright.

This doesn’t teach your child to be considerate of others. This also doesn’t teach your child to occupy their time on their own.

The next time this happens, let your child know you will be busy. Suggest a few toys or games they can play with. If they continue to interrupt you, steer them back in the right direction.

2. Exaggerating the Truth.

At first, the exaggerations are little. Maybe, your child told you they finished all of their vegetables. When the truth is they hardly touched one. This little white lie isn’t exactly harmful, but they are not facts.

You may think this is no big deal, but eventually, the lying can get worse. Remember, when a child is between the ages of 2-4, they don’t know exactly what the truth is. But, after that, they will begin to understand.

When they tell the truth, give them a lot of praise. Encourage your child to be honest, even if it means they could get into trouble.

3. Pretending Not to Hear You.

We’re all familiar with this one. You may have done this as a kid yourself. It still doesn’t make it alright. You shouldn’t have to repeat yourself three or four times to have your child pick up their toys or get in the car.

Remember, you are training your child. If this starts young, it will only get worse down the road. Tuning you out is a power play on the child’s part.

The next time you ask your child to do something, walk over to where they are and look at them. Make sure they respond, with, “Okay, Mommy.” If they are watching T.V., it’s alright to turn it off. This is also a time where you can start to take away privileges.

For example, instead of one hour of T.V., they will only be able to watch a half hour.

The #1 Easy Way To Help Your Child’s Confidence SOAR!

4. Playing Too Rough.

You know you have to step in when your son punches his younger brother. But, you also don’t want to ignore the more subtle aggressive acts, like shoving his younger brother or ignoring him. You need to get a grip on this early, or it will get out of control by age 8. It also sends a message that hurting people is alright.

Confront aggressive behavior immediately. Pull your son aside and let him know this is not alright. He could really hurt someone. If the behavior continues, don’t allow him to play with his younger brother until he stops.

5. Helping Him/Herself to a Treat.

I know it’s convenient when your child can get themselves a snack and turn on the T.V., without your help. It may even be cute when your 2-year-old grabs a cookie off the counter without asking. But, just wait until they are 8 and at a friend’s house, and they grab a treat without asking.

It’s important to establish some house rules. Can your child have sweets without asking? Do you need to ask to turn on the T.V.? Make sure your child knows what the rules are, this will help them follow the rules.

6. Having a Little Attitude.

You may think attitude starts as a pre-teen, but it actually starts much earlier. Pre-schoolers will mimic their parents’ behavior to see what type of a reaction they get.

Parents may ignore it because they think it’s a phase. If you ignore the attitude, it will get much worse down the road. You will have a third grader with an attitude problem, that you may feel like you can’t control.

You need to make your child aware of their behavior and that it’s not alright. Let your child know that you know they are rolling their eyes. The idea here is to let your child feel bad about their behavior. Let your child know that you will listen to them when they are ready to talk nicely to you.

If you’ve already done this, then great. If not, that’s alright it’s never too late to start. Remember, all parents go through highs and lows. If you stick with it, down the road it will pay off.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 6 Little Behavior Problems Parents Should Never, EVER Ignore.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/26/why-parents-shouldnt-ignore-these-6-behavior-problems/

Three Good Things on Parole

When I am giving maintenance programs to violent offenders on parole, at the start of every session, I give them at least five minutes each to talk about their week: the highs, the lows, how they dealt with their emotions, etc. In every group, there seems to be at least one person that uses up his time to complain about the system and every other little obstacle he has encountered since the last session.

It can be at times quite draining for everyone in the group to hear someone continuously complain. Imagine though, just how exhausting it must be for the one doing all the complaining. To be harboring all these negative feelings throughout the week. After all, for some of these guys, participating in a treatment program is one of the only safe places where they can express their emotions (good or bad) without the fear of being judged or sent back to prison.

It’s no surprise however, that some of these offenders have a natural instinct to focus on what is going wrong with their lives. After all, they have been conditioned to do so. Throughout their incarceration they have been thoroughly observed and written about by psychologists and criminologists whom are adept at finding what is going wrong with the individual and identifying certain criminological factors that are to be worked on while they are under their care. They are essentially surrounded by reminders of their failures, faults, shortcomings, and psychological issues that are keeping them from living crime free lives. Although the ultimate goal of this feedback is to work on what causing them problems in order to lead crime free lives, it can often leave them feeling depressed, anxious and angry.

On the other hand however, hearing about the things that are going well for them (i.e. their strengths), are often overlooked since they did not contribute to their crimes.

One day, as I asked everyone about their week and predictively, someone started complaining about everything and anything. I remembered the Three Good Things exercise developed by Martin Seligman and wondered how it would apply to violent offenders on parole whom were basically taught to focus on the negative aspects of their lives.

I instructed them to write down on a piece of paper, at the end of each day, three good things that had happened to them during that day. Three things that they were grateful for and brought a smile to their face: someone smiling at them, a compliment, anything at all. After writing these things down, I asked them to spend 5 minutes reliving the experience in their heads and bask in the positive emotions that were associated to these events. Much like muscles, if you only train your brain to notice and feel negative experiences, it will make living and experiencing positive emotions difficult. It would be equivalent to only working out your right bicep. The left bicep would be significantly smaller and weaker. I was inspired by a quote from William Penn, “the secret to happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their trouble”. It was time for them to start exercising their ability to notice and feel positive experiences and emotions.

While a few seemed to enjoy the exercise from the start, some of them had certain reservations. They reported difficulties in finding things they were grateful for. However, after hearing examples from the other participants, everyone slowly started to get the hang of it.

After a few weeks, the beginning of the sessions became more and more positive. They appeared to be focused on positive happenings in their lives. Furthermore, they seemed happier, less stressed and even optimistic.

This technique was confirmed efficient (by my standards) when one particular participant who was usually always negative and pessimistic used his time at the beginning of the session to let everyone know how he was now much more mindful of his social interactions and now woke up curious to find out what positive things would happen to him throughout the day.

If applying the Three Good Things exercise can bring happiness and optimism to violent offenders on parole, just imagine how it can increase your own well being if it became a regular routine in your life.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/26/three-good-things-on-parole/

Two Essential Factors for Effective Communication

Couples often enter my office complaining about a communication problem. Oftentimes, this is true. But there are two more fundamental issues that are often hidden. When uncovered, it can help move relationships from an impasse to deeper intimacy.

The Mindfulness Factor

We can communicate only to the extent to which we’re aware of what we’re experiencing inside. It takes a hefty dose of mindfulness to notice what we’re actually experiencing.

Turning attention inside, we might recognize that we’re feeling sad, afraid, or lonely. Or, we might notice that a painful shame got triggered when someone seemed to be critical or annoyed with us. We might feel anger or outrage in response to injustice or when spoken to harshly.

The difficult thing about communication is that it requires that we attend to our inner world of feelings and desires. Our default mode may be to protect ourselves by going into our head to find clever ways to attack and judge a person rather than recognize how we’re affected by the other — and then communicate that.

We have little control over external events. We have no control over fixing or changing another person. But we have some control over how we relate to our own experience and respond to events. We can uncover our genuine feelings and wants and communicate in a self-revealing way, such as my using Marshall Rosenberg’s non-violent communication approach.

Oftentimes we respond to unpleasant interactions by attacking a person—whether out loud or silently in our minds. We may communicate our judgments and blame and have the self-view that we’re a genuine communicator: “I think you’re selfish and clueless!”

Spouting our judgments and evaluations of others is one way to communicate. It is something we all do sometimes, but it’s sloppy and reckless communication. It takes mindfulness to pause and go inside rather than impulsively act-out or vent. It takes expanding our tolerance for discomfort to notice what we’re really feeling.

Our deeper, authentic experience is often infused with a vulnerable quality. When we’re confronted with a real or imagined insult or attack, it may sneak through our usual defenses. It may unnerve us — rattling a tender place inside.

Allowing ourselves to notice our more tender feelings requires a quality of being that we also need to cultivate if we want to be an effective communicator. It takes a hefty dose of courage to open to the more tender feelings coursing through us.

Summoning Courage

We may have an intention to meet whatever we’re experiencing inside with gentleness and grace. We may recognize the value of cultivating mindfulness and being present for our authentic experience. But without courage, we’re likely to revert to our usual defenses, which protect us from shame, discomfort, and pain.

Courage means facing the world as it is. It means being present to our experience just as it is rather than how we’d like it to be. Courage comes from the word “heart.” The French word for heart is “Coeur.” The psychiatrist Carl Jung commented that:

“Your vision will become clear when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside awakens.”

We live courageously as we live with more heart and less fear.

Peering into our heart—being mindful of what we’re actually experiencing—takes courage, especially when what we notice isn’t pretty. Perhaps something in us is afraid or hurting. Being strong often means allowing ourselves to be weak. Courageous mindfulness means allowing ourselves to experience whatever we happen to be experiencing in the moment, whether pleasant or unpleasant.

No longer resisting our experience — not being ashamed or afraid of it — we can live more mindfully and boldly. Rather than live reactively, we can pause, take some breaths, and notice what we’re feeling right now. We can honor ourselves for having the courage to meet our experience as it is, without avoiding it or sugarcoating it.

Finding the courage to reveal our experience to others, we invite them toward us. Intimacy means seeing into each other’s inner world. We create a climate for connection, which delivers us from isolation, as we let people into our inner life. As we honor our experience just as it is and reveal what’s alive inside us to people with whom we have some trust, we come out of hiding and move toward greater happiness.

Please consider liking my Facebook page.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/26/two-essential-factors-for-effective-communication/

5 Undeniable Ways to Stop Feeling Extremely Lonely

You’ve got this!

There is probably nothing worse than feeling lonely as you make your way through life. You may be experiencing it right now or you may have experienced it before — that feeling of isolation and rejection can bear heavily on your heart and mind. Whether you are single or taken, loneliness does not discriminate.

How The Brains Of Lonely People Work Very, VERY Differently

We often think the fact that someone loves us should solve the problem — ANY problem.

We look at other people who seem to have lots of friends and an adoring partner and assume they must feel wanted, accepted and therefore satisfied with their place in the world. But you can never tell what is really going on behind anyone else’s façade. When you compare yourself, you only continue to steal your own joy — and to keep yourself feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s not easy to feel accepted all the time… and that’s because we aren’t always meant to.

Society would have us believe that if we have a certain amount of money, a certain status or look a certain way we will have the world at our feet. But it is impossible to have the approval of everyone and trying to gain it only leaves you exhausted and disappointed.

Being carbon copies of one another does not give society the balance it needs. Every one of us has a different personality and unique story. So it’s OK when someone doesn’t gel with who you are.

There will be times in your life when people won’t understand your journey and this will leave you with fewer friends.

What we have to remember is that there is tremendous power in being content in our own company. That solace gives us perspective, strength and a deep sense of peace.

However, we also must take care not to allow ourselves to become isolated and settle for the despair that too much deeply felt loneliness can bring.

Here are five quick and practical ways you can combat your own feelings of loneliness:

1. Learn to Cherish Your Alone Time.

There is a huge difference in being alone and feeling lonely. The bottom line is that we are not created to do life alone, but that does not mean that our time by ourselves isn’t vital.

If you find that you are starting to resent your time alone rather than relish in it, you need to look at why. Perhaps you have lost the balance between having a social life and knowing when to hibernate a little. Or maybe you have confused being alone with a sign of depression, failure or unworthiness.

Spending quality time with ourselves gives us a chance to focus on refilling our own cup back up with the self-love we need. It’s a great time for reflection, rest, and restoration as well.

2. Increase Your Involvement in Social Groups.

There are literally hundreds of ways you can invite new social connections into your world. Social media has given us instant access to creating new friends with just a click of a button. The key is to connect with like-minded people who are going to add value to your world.

Remember that quantity does not equal quality and that the wrong company can make you feel lonelier than truly being alone actually does. Think about what you like or want more of in your life and actively seek out activities and people associated with it.

Joining an online community or a local group is a perfect way to start new friendships. Don’t forget it may take a few tries before you click with the right people. The important part is beginning to create these opportunities in the first place.

3. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone.

Just because you’ve become accustomed to a certain feeling, you don’t have to keep settling for anything less than you deserve. If you struggle with loneliness, chances are you have developed underlying patterns in your lifestyle and in your thinking that keep you isolated.

Let’s not forget that loneliness does not mean the absence of company. You can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. First, you must break the mental cycle that has you believing who you are isn’t worthy of more. You have something wonderful to give this world that only you can give, but you will need to challenge your habits, your mindset, and your fear of rejection so other people can see that.

4. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others.

Comparison is the biggest way in which you steal your own happiness. It doesn’t help that social media would have us believe that if we don’t have the approval of the masses than we aren’t worth knowing. Well, I call crap on that.

When we feel lonely in life, it affects our self-esteem and confidence. We wonder what we could possibly have to offer that would make people want to relish in our company. If you catch yourself comparing who you are to who others seem to be, you need to stop NOW.

This might mean going offline for a while or writing a list of all your own fabulous qualities and reading it back to yourself daily. Who you are and what you are worthy of isn’t based on the opinions of others. Surround yourself with people who like you for you, who are genuine, and who build you up.

What Dining Alone After My Breakup Taught Me About REAL Love

5. Reclaim Your Sense of Purpose.

It’s amazing how a sense of purpose not only gives us direction but also a deep sense of peace that no one else can give us. When we have a goal to work toward or a passion for pursuing it keeps our minds positive and occupied in times of loneliness.

The fact remains that there will be times in our life when situations, seasons or people make us feel lonely and rejected.

When we have something to focus on which we are in control of it gives us a sense of accomplishment, worth and happiness. We can’t rely on someone else to be the sole reason for our happiness, just as we can’t expect people to cure our loneliness.

We are each responsible for the way in which we build our lives, so make sure you create the life YOU want to live.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Completely Realistic Ways To Stop Feeling SO Incredibly Lonely.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/25/5-undeniable-ways-to-stop-feeling-extremely-lonely/

Healing from Trauma: ‘Comfort & Distract’

I was invited into my old IOP group today as a kind of “guest speaker.” If *I* can get better, then anyone can. Seriously. I have carried diagnoses of Major Depression, Borderline, PTSD, and Anorexia Nervosa. And that’s just in the past couple of years. I’ve also (at one-time-or-another) been diagnosed with Bipolar and DID. And those are just the ones that come to mind.

There was a woman in the room who looked particularly compromised. I knew right away that she was the one who my group leader had wanted me to address. So he motions to her and asks me to “tell her it can get better.”

I looked into her eyes… or I tried. She was crying. She was rocking. She was me. I gave her a brief history of myself, and then told her what I’m going to tell you:

It’s not gonna get better today. Or tomorrow. Probably not the next day, either. But it WILL get better.

As a nurse, I have spent a large portion of my professional career working with people who have cognitive limitations, and now that *I* have a cognitive limitation (amnesia related to ongoing ECT), I apply the same concept to myself that I did to patients with Alzheimer’s: “comfort and distract.” It is widely known and accepted that you don’t correct an Alzheimer’s patient who has forgotten that a loved one has died, because to do so would mean the patient experiencing the loss all over again. Likewise a person with PTSD, when reminded of certain aspects of the trauma, experiences it all over again. There is no way to eliminate all triggers. I cannot, for example, ask…or expect…the people in my life to stop using the phrase “go to bed,” which is a trigger for me reminding me of a sexual trauma. I *can’t* change the input, so I have to instead change my response to it.

“Comfort and distract” is how I respond to it, and for a trauma survivor it looks like this. Comfort: “I am okay right now in this exact second. Nothing bad is happening to me. I am safe, and I am in control.” Breathing exercises would also fit in here.

“Distract” would mean engaging enough of your brain that it is too busy to focus on memories. For me this means reading a book (I recommend Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking, my 11-year-old recommends anything-and-everything by Rick Riordan), or doing a jigsaw puzzle while binge-watching Netflix on my laptop. Also knitting. And baking. Hands, eyes, and brain all engaged? Winning approach.

The other place that “comfort and distract” comes in SUPER handy, is in the middle of the night, when I am waking up from one of my countless PTSD-related nightmares. It’s the last thing I want to do, to force myself to awaken fully, but if I go *right* back to sleep, I am liable to fall back into the exact same dream. This is something as simple as pulling my phone off the charger and losing myself in Facebook, or as complex as peeling myself out of bed and attacking any of the distractions from the daytime (yes, I have been known to bake, knit, and watch documentaries on my laptop at 3:00 AM).

“Comfort and distract” is not a long-term solution, but it is a day-to-day method to survive while you are doing EMDR or ART in therapy (or whatever your therapist recommends), and taking your medications as prescribed. Life can be scary. Even the innocuous comments of friends and family are liable to trigger elaborate memories or fears. I know sometimes it seems like it only ever gets worse, but I promise… not only CAN it get better, but it WILL get better. Comfort and distract, and don’t give up.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/25/healing-from-trauma-comfort-distract/

Psychology Around the Net: February 25, 2017

How’s your Saturday going, sweet readers?

Swimmingly, I hope!

Whether you’re waking up with a cup of coffee (or tea), taking a break from the weekend, or just winding down, take some time to check out this week’s latest mental health news. We’ve got everything from how wandering minds affect our mental well-being to figuring out when self-help programs are actually helpful to the research that shows cats aren’t causing psychotic symptoms.

Why Mind Wandering Can Be So Miserable, According to Happiness Experts: Unless you’re super skilled at staying in the present moment, your mind tends to wander when you’re left alone with your thoughts, right? (Hey, maybe it sometimes does even if you are super skilled.) Anyway, scientists are taking a closer look at this “stimulus-independent thought” — which can range from daydreams to thinking about regrets — and how it affects our mental well-being.

Your Brain as Laboratory: The Science of Meditation: Does it make sense to think about meditation as…technology? Yes, according John Yates, who states how we use mental faculties in the “investigation of the mind is subject to modification that can increase or decrease the efficacy of this endeavor.”

Cat Ownership Not Linked to Mental Health Problems: Because cats host a common parasite called Toxoplasma Gondii (T. Gondii), which is linked to mental illnesses like schizophrenia, some earlier research suggested owning cats — especially having grown up with cats — might contribute to mental disorders; however, newer research from University College London has catnipped (sorry, bad pun) this theory in the bud, stating cat ownership isn’t related to psychotic symptoms.

Why Mental Illness Can Fuel Physical Disease: Being diagnosed with both a mental and a physical illness might seem like bad luck, or that a mental illness might lead to a physical illness (for example, if a depressed person doesn’t take his or her medicine regularly or do things like eat healthy and exercise, a physical health problem follows); however, scientists like Dr. David Gitlin says scientists are learning that’s not always the case. According to Gitlin, “These factors are certainly important, but there is also something physiological that’s happening.”

Demi Lovato Opens Up About Her Mental Health: ‘I’m Bipolar And Proud’: The 24-year-old singer has been vocal her mental health as well as mental health awareness (even partnering with Be Vocal: Speak Up for Mental Health in 2015), and now she’s appeared on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” earlier this week to talk about her work on a new mental health documentary called “Beyond Silence.”

When Are Self-Help Programs “Helpful”? Some people find self-help programs useful as an addition to other professional services or even suitable all by themselves, but Harvard Medical School’s Assistant Professor of Psychiatry Srini Pillay, M.D. has a few suggestions on what to consider when you’re trying to choose the right self-help program for you.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/25/psychology-around-the-net-february-25-2017/

Top 10 Spices for a Healthy Brain

Your diet plays a crucial role in your mental well being and physical health, as they are intricately connected. Have you ever thought about everyday spices that could give your brain an internal boost and reset from within to function at an optimal level?

Consider adding these 10 spices below to your current diet, or better yet cook with them to improve overall brain health, and help prevent, or at the very least stave off future cognitive decline. These top spices have been studied extensively by world renowned psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen, and is widely discussed in many of his journal publications and books, including one of his latest Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. He recommends the 10 spices below to be incorporated into your every diet to have a happier and healthier brain.

Turmeric

Found in curry, turmeric contains a chemical that has been shown to decrease plaques and tangles in the brain thought to be responsible for the onset of Alzheimer’s disease.

Saffron

In 3 specific studies that Dr. Amen conducted, a saffron extract was found to be as effective as antidepressant medication in treating people with major depression, and various anxiety disorders.

Sage

There is strong scientific evidence that sage helps to improve and strengthen the hippocampus of our brains, which is responsible for memory.

Cinnamon has been shown to help regulate attention, and focus. Additionally, it helps to regulate blood sugar, which decreases the hunger hormone Ghrelin, while boosting Leptin, the satiety hormone responsible for fullness.

Basil, a common antioxidant pizza topper is responsible for improving blood flow to the heart and brain, and has additional anti inflammatory properties that offer protection from Alzheimer’s disease, and other forms of dementia.

Thyme is responsible for increasing the amount of DHA, an essential fatty acid in the brain. DHA is responsible for playing a central role in brain health. In fact, an optimal intake of DHA is especially essential for pregnant and nursing mothers to endure adequate brain development in their children.

Oregano, especially dried oregano has between 30-40 times the brain healing antioxidant power of raw blueberries, 46 times more than Quercetin that’s found in the skin of apples, and 56 times as much as strawberries, making it one of the most powerful brain cell protectors on the planet.

Garlic promotes better blood flow to the brain, and actually works by stopping/killing brain cancer cells in a 2007 study.

Ginger can potentially make you smarter. A study that combined ginger with ginkgo biloba suggests that it does, and further studies aiming to replicate those earlier findings are currently underway. Ginger root extract may also be beneficial in the treatment of Parkinson’s disease, and for those who suffer from migraine/ tension/cluster headaches.

Rosemary

A recent study highlighted the beneficial effects of rosemary in diminishing cognitive decline in people with dementia. Fresh or dried will do the trick.

Despite our genetic blueprint, a lot of things regarding our overall health are really in our hands, and specifically found in nature. Take advantage of the power you personally have by incorporating these healing spices into your diet and you will be rewarded with a happier and healthier brain in the long run.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/24/top-10-spices-for-a-healthy-brain/

How Travel Can Benefit Our Mental Health

Ever feel like you are stuck in a rut? Taking a vacation and having a change of scenery, even if it is just a couple of hours down the road, can work wonders, and it has been scientifically proven that travel provides a number of benefits to your mental health. Just one trip away could help change your outlook on life for the better — here are a few reasons why it may be worth packing your suitcase.

It enhances creativity

As creativity is generally related to neuroplasticity (how the brain is wired), it means our brains are sensitive to change, influenced by new environments and experiences. According to the Colombia Business School’s Adam Galinsky, the key to getting a creativity boost is to really immerse yourself in the place and engage with its local culture; this open-mindedness can help you to embrace different ways of living to your own, in turn influencing your own outlook on life. Having a creative outlet is a great way to practice mindfulness and so the more you are able to put it to good use, the better.

It can affect your personality

Travelling, particularly if you are in a foreign country, can sometimes put you out of your comfort zone, and so you often have to adapt to those differences. This challenge strengthens the ‘openness’ dimension of your personality, according to a 2013 paper by Zimmerman and Neyer. The paper adds that this adaptation makes you less emotionally reactive to day-to-day changes, improving emotional stability, while meeting new people can also help with agreeableness, depending on the size of your existing social network.

Stress relief

Our lives can often be constantly busy, and sometimes we may feel that we are living each day on repeat. Travel is a great way to escape the stresses and commitments of everyday life, offering novelty and change in the form of new people, sights and experiences. Margaret J King of the Center for Cultural Studies and Analysis has said this about the stress-relieving abilities of travel, “With a short list of activities each day, freed up from the complexities of ongoing projects and relationships, the mind can reset, as does the body, with stress relief the main outcome.”

For some, travel is not about seeing new places, but rather escaping old ones that have a negative impact on our lives. Vacations can also help us to manage stress as they take us away from the places and activities that contribute to our stress levels.

Happiness is boosted even before you travel

The effects of travel aren’t felt only during and after your trip – in fact, even just the anticipation of going on vacation can boost your mood. People are at their happiest when they have a vacation planned, a study by the University of Surrey found, and are also more positive about their health, economic situation and general quality of life.

A study by Cornell University also found that we get more happiness from anticipating a travel experience in comparison to anticipating buying a new possession. It turns out that money can buy you happiness, but just not in the way we expected!

It strengthens relationships

Sharing travel experiences with your other half can make your relationship with them stronger, according to a survey by the US Travel Association, which has a knock-on effect on your own mental wellbeing and self-esteem. The results showed that not only does travel have long-term effects for couples, such as an increased closeness and perception of shared interests and goals, but also that it helps to maintain relationships, as well as to reignite a romantic spark.

Not only do you get to enjoy some quality time together and enjoy new experiences together, but overcoming the tougher elements of travelling together, such as planning the trip and making any compromises, can help bring you closer together and make you a stronger couple.

References:

Crane, B. (2015). For a More Creative Brain, Travel. Retrieved 14 February 2017, from https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/03/for-a-more-creative-brain-travel/388135/

Gilbert, D. and Abdullah, J. (2002). A study of the impact of the expectation of a holiday on an individual’s sense of well-being. Journal of Vacation Marketing, 8(4), p.352-361.

Kumar, A., Killingsworth, M. A., and Gilovich, T. (2014). Waiting for Merlot: Anticipatory Consumption of Experiential and Material Purchases. Psychological Science, 25(10), p.1924-1931.

US Travel Association. (2015). Travel Strengthens Relationships and Ignites Romance (p. 1-2). Washington DC: US Travel Association. Retrieved from https://www.ustravel.org/sites/default/files/Media%20Root/5.2015_Relationship_ExecSummary.pdf

William, D. K. (n.d.) Science Proves That Traveling Can Boost Your Health and Overall Well-Being. Retrieved 14 February 2017, from http://www.lifehack.org/338212/science-proves-that-travelling-can-boost-your-health-and-overall-well-being

Zimmerman, J. and Neyer, F. J. (2013). Do we become a different person when hitting the road? Personality development of sojourners. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(3), p515-530.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/24/how-travel-can-benefit-our-mental-health/

Best of Our Blogs: February 24, 2017

I’m taking Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: A Wholehearted Revolution. I wish we all grew up with parents who had the foresight and resources to parent the way she teaches in the online course.

In the first exercise, she asks us to create a, “You always have permission to…” painting.

If you could recreate your own childhood, what would you add to that list?

In your current family, would you include “make mistakes, express your feelings, and be yourself?”

What would your life be like if you grew up in a household that included all the components you needed to make you feel safe, loved and accepted?

What could your home be like if you held to these rules?

While we cannot go back in the past to redo our childhood, we have the power to control our own families.

Now imagine applying this new way of thinking to your current relationships including the one you have with yourself. Can you create a permission list for your own life? Would it include the permission to forgive yourself, grieve and let go of relationships that are not serving you?

Ponder your own self-permission as you read our top posts this week.

What Failed to Happen For You as a Child?
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – You felt loved. You weren’t abused. But this is why you feel unfulfilled and empty as an adult.

Are You Normalizing Abusive Behavior? 5 Signs that You Are
(Knotted) – Could you be in an abusive relationship and not even know it? If you’re enduring the following behaviors, it’s likely.

8 Expert Tips to Get Over Your Ex
(Happily Imperfect) – You just ended a romantic relationship. Here’s what therapists say can help you recover.

When Depression Isn’t An Episode
(Bipolar Laid Bare) – How do you know whether what you’re experiencing is a depressed mood, depressive episode or symptoms leading up to full depression episode? This will help.

Why Unloved Daughters Fall for Narcissists
(Knotted) – Ever wonder why you keep falling for the same type of person? This explains the chemistry between you and narcissists.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/24/best-of-our-blogs-february-24-2017/

What Are You Rehearsing?

When I was young, I was in a few amateur performances: musicals, school plays and orchestral concerts. 

We would rehearse our parts over and over again and now, twenty years later, I can still sing many of the songs from beginning to and recite many of my lines from the plays end without any trouble.

Now that I have studied what we know about how the brain works and seen much of the research about how neural pathways are formed, I understand that there are little paths etched into my brain from all those rehearsals — so my mind easily slips into those grooves and recalls the content.

What are you rehearsing at the moment?

Whatever our mind goes to is forming those same neural pathways whether we mean to or not. And as neuroscientist Richard Davidson says: neuroplasticity is neutral – junk in, junk out, good stuff in, good stuff out.

Unfortunately, as we know, our brain evolved to protect us from the threat of extinction, so it has a problem focused, negative bias and left to its own devices, you will most likely be unaware that you are “ rehearsing” whatever your attention rests on  — problems and threats. Your mental activity is forming neural circuits that make it more likely you will return to that line of thought 

So what are you rehearsing?

I realize, on reflection, that this week I have been rehearsing a particular worry about one of my children. My mind has been drifting more and more easily into the groove of going over and over the details of my concern. This is a wolf in sheep’s clothing because at a casual glance this appears to be something useful like making sense of the situation. In reality it is the near cousin of sense making: worry. One of the most memorable quotes from my interview with Craig Hassed from Monash University for Mindfulness4Mothers program was that:

“worry often masquerades as something useful like planning and preparation” 

One of the benefits of mindfulness is that it puts us back into the drivers seat — we can move our attention at will from something unhelpful like worry — to something helpful like what we are doing and who we are with right now at this moment.

So rather than rehearsing unhelpful thinking habits, we are able to rehearse helpful ones: ones that build the foundations of well-being, happiness, focus and creative thought.

Athletes use this deliberate practice to rehearse the moves they want to improve. Musicians do this to master complicated works and almost any profession that has some kind of supervised apprenticeship does the same: choosing which moves to rehearse to develop better performance at that task. They learn from experts and they choose where they place their attention.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to develop superior performance in worrying. But that is actually what I am well on the way to doing if I keep up the rehearsals I have been doing this week. I am far more interested in deliberate practice that will support my well-being instead.

Mindfulness is a profoundly helpful antidote for many unhelpful thinking habits like worry, rumination, self criticism and emotional overwhelm. But we have to rehearse it. If instead we allow our mind to rehearse what it is used to, it will go back to that old familiar rut and nothing will change.

And we are more likely to stick to our rehearsal schedule if we bring qualities like self compassion, acceptance, curiosity and a beginners mind to our rehearsals. If we are impatient, critical of our first attempts or think that we already know what this mindfulness idea can and can’t do for us we will probably find ourselves rehearsing our old familiar tunes rather than the ones that will bring us real change. Real health and happiness.

Having expert teachers like these beautiful people has really helped me. I participate in many online and face to face learning opportunities like retreats and guided practices that help me integrate what I am learning into daily life.

“Once a professional reaches an acceptable skill level, more experience does not, by itself, lead to improvements. For example, tennis players will not improve their backhand volley in tennis by playing more games. However, a tennis coach can provide opportunities for [deliberate practice]”

Sometimes a psychologist or qualified mindfulness teacher might be a good coach for you to make the shift from unhelpful thinking habits to helpful ones like mindfulness and self compassion. Having the support and feedback helps you tell the difference between what will build your well-being and what won’t.

Becoming part of an online community like Everyday Mindfulness is also helpful because you are surrounding yourself with people who are on the same journey as you and can not only refine your knowledge and skillfulness, but also support you with compassion as you find your way. Facebook Groups or pages like this this and this are other great places to ask questions, share struggles, read helpful articles and find out about events and online programs that help. These are both natural way to help keep your energy up and stay on track.

Why bother questioning what you are rehearsing? I will leave you with three quotes from my teachers:

“When we start to practice mindfulness we learn that the mind is not so mindful and is not so aware. It is constantly worrying and anticipating and we are often burning a lot of energy just in nervous energy, worrying about how much we have got to do – which of course takes a lot of energy away from being able to do all the things we need to do. If we have a lot on our plate, we need to use our energy and our time simply and as effectively as we can, because if we don’t we will often feel exhausted. If we are doing one thing at a time but we are actually worrying about the other half a dozen things that we’ve still got to do, then we feel like we have done half a dozen days work at the end of the day rather than just one days work.” – Craig Hassed

“Without mindfulness we can easily go on autopilot and the days and years will go by, not caring for ourself or our relationships” – Rick Hanson

“You can’t just wish yourself to be happy. You have to create the conditions for it from the ground up.” – Barbara Fredrickson

May you be well.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/23/what-are-you-rehearsing/

What if Donald Trump Was Only an Algorithm?

What if Donald Trump existed only as an algorithm? Imagine if his entire campaign, presidency, and life all stemmed from a systematic approach to gain an identity other than the algorithm. It would be absurd. The very pattern of all his actions would be governed by the system he subconsciously wishes to overcome. By following his formula, Trump would cement the identity of a machine rather than a human.

Narcissistic personality disorder includes extreme grandiose fantasies, the inability to accept rejection, and a lack of conscience. At its core, the disorder is a crisis of identity. Because the person has no sense of right and wrong, they have no real belief system. Without believing in something (anything) the world becomes a game to be manipulated. To the narcissist, he is the only real player, but because he believes in nothing he has no concept of who he is. To avoid being stuck in the loneliest position possible, the narcissist demands attention and admiration. He does not exist without it.

The Kim dynasty of North Korea, the movie Mean Girls, and President Trump all have a similar algorithm for manipulation: 

• Distrust
• Division
• Loss of identity
• Isolation

The Kim dynasty has created a distrust that exists so deeply in North Koreans that even parents cannot trust their own children. By programming children to report unpatriotic parents, paranoia has hushed generations. Prior ruler, Kim Jong Il (like Trump) also manipulated the media in a way that forced the country to be skeptical of everything reported.

A much smaller scale of the same manipulation, involves the movie Mean Girls. A popular blond, high school student pits her friends against one another to ultimately make her more powerful. By dividing the people she wishes to hold power over, they are less likely to work as a team. Without unification, they cannot defeat the cruel reign of teenage royalty.

Trump, through an insatiable need for identity, has devoured half the country. Throughout the campaign, Trump identified himself with the factory workers, the coal miners, and the working class as a whole. Since this demographic is rarely portrayed in the media or even talked about in politics, this was an eye opening change. Trump was the only man “for” the working class. He was their only representative.

When he proudly called them uneducated and presented them as victims, they continued to stick by him. If he was their champion, how could he subtly patronize them? Excited about the possibility of a much nicer lifestyle, this demographic swallowed the subtle put downs in hopes for good intentions. “Although Trump says one thing, he really means another,” was the general consensus.

When Trump said, “I love the uneducated,” the crowds roared, ultimately accepting their role as the weaker demographic.  Trump did not say he would rebuild the education system. He did not say he would pump more money into schools. Instead, he reassured them, their factory jobs would still be there.

When Trump proudly declared, “America First”, the warning bells for isolation could be heard around the world. While we protested, some countries fell silent. Our naïveté, while once laughable, has become a dangerous mix of pity and fear.

Most of us think of ourselves as American. Trump thinks of himself as America. By confusing us with false information, pumping us with fear, and subtly putting us down with “compliments”, we lose our ability to believe in anything except the algorithm.

If we are to fight Trump and his dangerous impulse control, we need to take a systematic approach. Quickly.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/23/what-if-donald-trump-was-only-an-algorithm/

PODCAST: Understanding Depression – What It Is and What It Isn’t

 

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe and Vincent discuss depression and why so many people don’t understand this insidious disease. They speak of their own versions of depression (bipolar depression and persistent depressive disorder) and why terminology matters. Despite hundreds of millions of people worldwide suffering from depression, the average person still thinks of depression as nothing more than “sadness.” Listen and find out why this is exceedingly inadequate to explain depression.

 

 Listen as Our Hosts Discuss Depression – What It Is and What It Isn’t

“In my opinion, the biggest problem with the word ‘depression,’ used in a medical sense is that we do have the word in an everyday definition, as well.” ~ Vincent M. Wales

 
 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast

The Psych Central Show is an interesting, in-depth weekly podcast that looks into all things mental health and psychology. Hosted by Gabe Howard and featuring Vincent M. Wales.

Gabe Howard is a professional speaker, award-winning writer, and mental health advocate who lives with bipolar 1 and anxiety disorders. Diagnosed in 2003, he has made it his mission to put a human face on what it means to live with mental illness.

Gabe writes the Don’t Call Me Crazy Blog for PsychCentral.com as well as is an associate editor. He also writes and Video Blogs for Bipolar Magazine Online. He’s been a keynote speaker for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), MHA (Mental Health America), OSU (Ohio State University), along with many other venues. To work with Gabe please contact him via his website at www.GabeHoward.com or e-mail Gabe@GabeHoward.com.

Vincent M. Wales is the author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. He lives with persistent depressive disorder and is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor with additional counseling background. A Pennsylvania native, he obtained his BA in English writing from Penn State. While a resident of Utah, he founded the Freethought Society of Northern Utah. He now lives in Sacramento, California. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

Previous Episodes can also be found at PsychCentral.com/show.

Subscribe to The Psych Central Show on iTunes and Google Play.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/02/23/podcast-understanding-depression-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt/