Struggling to Get Something Done? Maybe You Need an Accountability Buddy

Have I mentioned that I’ve created a personality framework called the “Four Tendencies?” Oh right, I think I have. Well, if you don’t know about this framework, which divides all of humanity into four categories — Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel — you can read an explanation and to take the quiz to find out your Tendency here.

Of the Four Tendencies, “Obliger” is the largest Tendency, the one that the most people belong to, for both men and women. And the defining fact about Obligers is that they readily meet outer expectations, but they struggle to meet inner expectation. For instance, they wouldn’t miss a work deadline, but they’d find it hard to find time to exercise on their own.

The key point for Obligers: To meet inner expectations, Obligers must create outer accountability — and it must be the right kind of accountability.

While people of other Tendencies may benefit from the Strategy of Accountability, Obligers require it. They need tools such as supervision, late fees, deadlines, monitoring, and consequences enforced from the outside. For Obligers, this is the crucial element.

Also, Obligers must pick the right kind of accountability for them. Obligers also vary dramatically in what makes them feel accountable.

For some Obligers, an auto-generated email or  buzzing FitBit might be enough; some Obligers feel accountable only to an actual person.

I was surprised to find that for many Obligers, the prospect of wasting money doesn’t bring a sense of accountability. An Obliger friend told me, “I’ve always wanted to try yoga, finally, I actually signed up—and I went one time. It was the $300 yoga class.” Maybe money doesn’t provide accountability because it’s their own money; if they’re wasting someone else’s money, they might feel accountable.

So if you’re an Obliger, and you want to create accountability, here are some options to consider:

Accountability partner

Obligers can team up with an accountability partner: a classmate, trainer, personal organizer, coach, health-care worker teacher, family member, or friend.

Unfortunately, informal accountability partners can sometimes be unreliable. If that partner loses interest, gets distracted, or doesn’t want to play the enforcer, the Obliger stalls out.

Because it can be tough to find a reliable accountability partner among friends and family, Obligers may do better with a professional. For instance, coaches—career coaches, health coaches, life coaches—can provide the crucial accountability by setting concrete goals, establishing deadlines, and looking over their clients’ shoulders.

Accountability groups

People who don’t want to pay for a professional, or rely on a single accountability partner, can join or start an accountability group.

As Alcoholics Anonymous, Weight Watchers, law-school study groups, and Happiness Project groups demonstrate, we give and get accountability, as well as energy and ideas, from meeting with like-directed people.

I created the free Better app for people to exchange ideas and tips about the Four Tendencies, and Better app also makes it super-easy to form accountability groups of all kinds.

Having a client, customer, or student

Clients, customers, and students impose accountability by the very nature of the relationship. An Obliger told me, “I’d been putting off creating an online training course to accompany my podcast on self-publishing. So in my latest episode, I offered a free copy of the training course to the first 25 listeners who sign up. Because people have signed up, I actually have to create the course.”

Similarly, many Obligers mention using getting a paid or volunteer job as an accountability strategy. Want to exercise? Teach Zumba.

Duty to others

Obligers often do things for others that they can’t do for themselves, so an Obliger may be able to meet an aim by thinking of its benefit to other people, instead of its personal value. An Obliger wrote, “I’m Controller of a company, and to create accountability, I tie my personal commitments to my commitment to work: if I get enough sleep, I work better; if I exercise, I have more energy, plus I spend less time and money going to the chiropractor.”

Many Obligers struggle to say “no,” even when they’re feeling very burdened by expectations. To overcome this reluctance, Obligers can remind themselves that saying “no” to one person allows them to say “yes” to someone else. A highly regarded professor told me that he accepted too many speaking engagements, until one day he thought, “By turning down the keynote talk, I’ll give someone else the chance to speak.” That thought allowed him to decline some speaking requests.

Some Obligers feel a duty to their future selves. “I need to do this for future-me.”

Role model

Many Obligers can meet an expectation if it’s tied to their duty to be a good role model, which is a form of outer expectation. “If I stay at my desk until 9 p.m., I set a bad example for my staff.”

Other ingenious solutions:

“I heard myself say, ‘This summer, I’m going to get my finances in order.’ As the words left my mouth, I knew they weren’t true. So I made an appointment with my expensive accountant. I had to get my finances organized to have the meeting with him and not have it cost a fortune.”

“My Questioner husband came up with this idea to help me fight my sugar addiction: any dessert that I eat, he has to eat double.”

“When I want to finish some writing, I tell someone else that I’ll send it to them for review by a certain date, and I also set up meetings to present ideas, which forces me to get them down on paper.”

“I wanted to stick to a budget, but also wanted to keep my finances private. So how to create outer accountability? I told my family, ‘I’m saving so we can finally make that beach trip.’ They’re so excited, I can’t let them down.”

“My sister-in-law and I both made a list of some healthy habits we want to cultivate, with a three-month time limit. If we both stick with the plan, we’ll earn a spa day. The catch is that, since we’re Obligers, we earn the spa day for each other.  If I don’t follow through, she won’t get her spa day—and vice versa. We would let ourselves down, but we would never let each other down.”

“I wanted to get up earlier, but I live alone. So I created an embarrassing Facebook post, and used Hootsuite to set it to post every morning at 8:00 a.m., unless I get up ahead of time to disable it.”

“I have many suggestions to help my Obliger music students practice consistently: join a band or an orchestra (especially effective if the student has a special role, such as the bass clarinet in a quartet); become a mentor for a younger musician; organize practice sessions in pairs, where a failure to show up will hurt a fellow student; or make a pact with a loved one that that person can’t do some desirable activity unless the Obliger has practiced.”

Whenever an Obliger struggles to get something done, the solution is always the same: external accountability. It’s just a question of figuring out what form it’s going to take.

I can’t emphasize this enough. For Obligers, it’ s not a matter of motivation, or putting yourself first, or balance, or self-esteem, boundaries, or priorities. Plug in outer accountability, and you will be able to meet inner expectations. (Unless you fall into Obliger-rebellion, which is a story for another day and a big chapter in The Four Tendencies.)

If you want to learn more about the Four Tendencies, you can sign up for the free Better app and join the fascinating conversations there.

My book The Four Tendencies goes into much greater depth on these issues. It will hit the shelves in September, and you can pre-order it now. (If you’re inclined to buy the book, it’s a big help to me if you pre-order it now; pre-orders matter a lot for building support for a book among booksellers, the media, and other readers.)

I have to say, one of the most fun aspects of working on The Four Tendencies was hearing all the ingenious, imaginative strategies that Obligers have devised.

Have you used or seen any other helpful accountability strategies?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/31/struggling-to-get-something-done-maybe-you-need-an-accountability-buddy/

14 Ways to Get on a New Path When You’re Feeling Lost

When you are feeling lost in life, it is easy to take the path of least resistance. Whether for you that means laying in bed and shutting out the world or staying in your normal routine. Note that everything on this list should be done in moderation. Finding one outlet and zoning in on that will not help you find a well-rounded path.

#1 Try Out New Hobbies

Have you ever wanted to learn to sew, wakeboard, or practice yoga? Why not start now? Hobbies are a great way to make new friends, find purpose, and feel accomplished. You never know how good you could be at something until you give it a try.

#2 Talk To Your Loved Ones

Your friends and family know you better than anyone. Call the person that can bring you back to your goals and inspire you to be the best you can be. Talk to them about your life, their life, or even the weather outside. But communication is great for the soul.

#3 Journal

Sometimes writing things down can help you organize your thoughts. It allows you to vent without having to share your personal business. A journal is a great tool to rationalize your thoughts and think clearly.

#4 Work Out

Working out does something for your body that other outlets cannot. It releases endorphins and encourages a healthy body when done correctly. Always remember that although fitness is a goal, it doesn’t hurt to treat yourself to a slice of pizza every once in awhile.

#5 Relax

Take a bath, go for a walk, knit, or sit in the sunshine. Do something positive that is relaxing to you.

#6 Set Goals

Make a few goals that you would like to finish in the next week, month, and year. For example, if you are unhappy in your job, you might want to set a goal of looking at the qualifications you need for the job you would like in the next week. Then, by the end of the month, your goal could be to gain 3 of those skills. By the end of the year, you want to be in that job role.

Each goal should be actionable, have a time limit, and be realistic. Then you should set mini goals of how you are going to make that goal come true.

#7 Read Books

Reading a book can be relaxing and can change your point of view on a situation. You could read a novel or even an inspirational book to get your mind going. What gets you excited for the next stage in your life? What makes you feel like you are understood and are not alone? Find that book and indulge.

#8 Get Dressed Up

Put on your favorite outfit and go into your day with confidence. It is much easier to find your life’s path when you are confident and ready to take on the world. Putting on a good outfit increases confidence and puts you one step closer to your goals.

#9 Hold Yourself Accountable

Make a calendar and stick with it. Plan outings with friends, group gym classes, and meals for the day. Then don’t let yourself drop your plans if you are not motivated. The first step to success is just showing up.

#10 Redecorate

Make your environment inspiring. Paint your room your favorite color or put pictures on your desk that remind you of the things you love. A little change of environment can help you feel refreshed and ready for a change.

#11 Get Rid of Negativity

If a negative thought comes into your mind, acknowledge that you could be negative and dwell on it or you could ignore it and do something to create change. If a friend comes over to gossip, change the subject. Or if your coworker wants to complain about your boss, say something positive back. Once you make this a habit, it will come naturally.

#12 Unplug from Social Media

Don’t let the expectations or lives of others influence your decisions. Delete the social media apps from your phone for a month and just live life. You won’t believe how much you don’t miss it after a while.

#13 Forgive But Don’t Forget

Forgive yourself and others for things they have done in the past. You are trying to move forward and do not need baggage. But do not be naive. Know your boundaries with people and take the relationship for what it is worth.

#14 Help Someone Else

The sense of accomplishment that can come from helping someone else is unbeatable. Whether you volunteer at a food shelf or send your friend a care package that is having a bad day, the positivity will multiply.

For help with forming goals or other psychiatry questions, visit http://www.allisonholtmd.com.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/31/14-ways-to-get-on-a-new-path-when-youre-feeling-lost/

5 Common Misconceptions About Grief

Like many painful emotions, we don’t talk much about grief. Grief is the emotional experience due to any type of loss. Being the experience-that-must-not-be-named (yes, I just made a Harry Potter reference) gives rise to lot of confusion and misconceptions about what grief actually is, so I’d like to take the chance to debunk some of these ideas.

1. “It’s the same as depression.”

While they can often be experienced simultaneously, grief and depression are not one in the same. Depression, as an illness, is chronic, cyclical, and diagnosed based on intensity, severity and duration. Depression can exacerbate grief, but someone experiencing grief is not necessarily depressed, and vice versa. Support from a mental health professional is key to distinguish grief from depression.

2. “You know it when you feel it.”

Unlike various diagnoses, there’s no typical way grief shows itself. Steps have been postulated, but really there’s no one thing that strikes you and says “hey! I’m grief!” Rather, it’s when overwhelming feelings that are hard to pinpoint, it’s the ”I feel like __ and I don’t know why”, that is often an indicator of grief.

3. “Keep it to yourself.”

As a topic of conversation, you might assume no one wants to hear about grief — it’s depressing, why would you want to bring others down? However, pushing others away and keeping your experience to yourself only perpetuates the idea that grief is taboo, something that shouldn’t be out in the open. People grieve differently and that’s okay, but if we never discuss our own experiences of grief, the distance between us will only widen during a time when the opposite is critical.

4. “It’s just about death”

This is a big one. Grief does not necessarily mean someone died. Though it’s usually associated with death, again: grief is the emotional experience to any type loss. Sure, the grief over losing your favorite tee shirt is not the same as the grief over losing, say, a childhood home, but it is a loss nonetheless. Because of the taboo nature of talking about grief, when we lose something that’s not so overtly horrendous, like the death of a person, we are further disenfranchised, alone in our experience, believing our feelings are somehow wrong and irrational. Grief means the loss of something meaningful and valuable, and that can be any number of things depending on your life circumstances — they are all valid.

5. “It’s linear, with a timeframe and an endpoint”

Everyone grieves differently. There are certainly emotions that accompany grief like sadness, anger, etc., but, really, there is no one way to grieve and there is no one correct way to deal with grief. When you lose something important, something that has shaped you, the impact will come up at different points in your life and for different reasons.

Once you experience a deeply painful, life-changing loss, it becomes a part of who you are — the tough part is learning how to be okay with that. The most healthy way to deal with grief is to understand it’s role in your life; to learn how to integrate it into who you now must be as a result of this loss, whatever that loss may be.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/31/5-common-misconceptions-about-grief/

Disturbed Characters Never Want to Accept Blame

When trying to regain a sense of power, control, and success after experiencing a failure, we have two options: blame others, or take stock of ourselves and begin the arduous task of self improvement.

Tags: character disturbance, relationships, responsibility

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life http://counsellingresource.com/features/2017/05/31/disturbed-characters-blame/

What to Do When You Feel Lost After Divorce

Divorce is tough for many reasons. Not only are we dealing with the emotions and logistics and finances, but after the dust has settled, we may feel like our life’s plans have changed direction. The life you planned and your vision of the future may disappear, leaving you with a feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

But when you feel like this, don’t panic! There is merely one thing you must remember:

You May Feel Lost Because Your Internal GPS is No Longer Working

So many of us had our entire lives invested in our marriage and our families. It was the lens with which we viewed the world. Our concept of being a spouse and a partner was our GPS. Whatever decisions we made through our marriage — whether they were personal or professional — were seen within the context of, “Well, is it good for the marriage and is it good for the family?

When your marriage ends, that GPS and final destination are thrown out the window. But that doesn’t mean that you are destined to wander around in the dark.

We feel like we’re merely surviving and have not yet given ourselves the gift of dreaming again. We are so busy with dealing with the daily roller coaster of emotions and figuring out logistics and finances that we forget to do the one thing we must do.

Identifying that vision becomes our new final destination. And until we identify that vision for ourselves and then take the steps to get there, it is impossible to move forward.

You can go on auto-pilot and go through the daily motions of life, but it will be very hard to move on and reclaim the happiness you deserve unless you figure out your vision, and have a plan to get there. You must do this for yourself.

Need a little help? Here’s an exercise to start on getting rid of your roadblocks. Ask yourself the following questions.

What Do I Want?

If that question seems overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be! Some answers can be as simple as saying, “I want to be happy in my home,” or “I want to feel confident again.”

What is Stopping Me from Getting What I Want?

The things that are stopping us — the obstacles to our vision — are the daily BS things that we face and frustrate us. I want you to list those. Be honest and complete, but don’t spend too much time getting caught up in the obstacles. I know for me, those obstacles included the following:

What’s stopping me?

I am staying in the home although he has left, but I don’t know how to shake the feeling that he is still “here.” There are pictures of us together, some of his books are here, and I feel like everything just seems frozen in time.

What’s stopping me?

I didn’t feel great when we were having marital troubles, but now that I’m alone, I feel like my self-esteem is completely gone. I feel like I don’t have any purpose and it’s awful. How do I rebuild?

Once you have a few of those obstacles in mind, the fun part begins. You are going to learn how to kick those obstacles out of the way by coming up with an easy plan that erases them and gets you closer to your destination.

Start Overcoming Those Obstacles by Writing Down What You Plan to Do

You don’t need some crazy battle plan. It doesn’t need to be a PhD dissertation. All you need are some simple steps that you can start taking today. If you need some help, look at the quick plans I created for myself when I felt lost after my divorce.

Life After Divorce: An Obstacles-Be-Gone Plan

I am not feeling great about myself right now. There are several things I can do to change that. If I am not already seeing a therapist, or one that I really like, I will start searching and asking for recommendations to find someone who can work through this process with me.

I am also doing to do things for myself for a change. I am going to list things that I like to do – hobbies, physical activities — and will put them on a calendar so I remain accountable and committed to doing the things that I love. It’s time to put myself first.

The Road Ahead

Following this plan means you have done two awesome things for yourself. First, you now have something that sticks — something you can use to help boot out those silly roadblocks that are up in your face.

And second, you now know where you want to be. You have the vision of knowing what you want. You have identified your final destination. When you know your final destination and the steps to get there, nothing can stop you.

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/31/what-to-do-when-you-feel-lost-after-divorce/

The Ethics of Armchair Diagnosis

When you resort to name calling, you’ve lost the argument. When you resort to diagnosing, they’ve lost credibility. Is it any wonder why non-mental health professionals are diagnosing people out of anger?  

Some people diagnose because of a disagreement. How many times have we heard a friend relay stories about his “bipolar” girlfriend after they have ended the relationship? Or what about a frustrated mother who is fed up with her son’s “ADD” when he refuses to do homework? When someone does the opposite of what we want them to, it is tempting to label the behavior as a scientific defect. When the problem person has been labeled with a disorder, the blame is completely within their body. We, are off the hook.

Psychiatric disorders, unlike physical conditions, are not easily measured. A heart condition can be examined through an EKG test. A histrionic personality disorder is measured by a series of behavioral patterns. The reasons for behavior however, are not always taken into consideration.

If a patient is crying, talks about suicide often, and uses physical appearance to draw attention to herself, her behavior could be considered abnormal and labeled histrionic.

If this same patient is being used for sex trafficking purposes, her behavior could be completely reasonable considering the situation.  If the patient is taken out of this situation, her behavior may very well return to normal.

Depending on the experience of the professional, this patient may or may not be labeled as having a personality disorder.

To diagnose someone with a psychiatric condition, professionals in the field often use what is known as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. The DSM is owned, sold and licensed by the American Psychiatric Association. Gary Greenberg, a contributor to The New Yorker, The New York Times, and Mother Jones, suggests that disorders come into the DSM in the same way that a law becomes part of the book of statutes. The disorder is suggested, discussed, and voted upon. There is little if any scientific evidence involved in diagnosis.

Armchair diagnosis is a term used when professionals or non professionals diagnose someone they have never treated. The latest and most popular example of this phenomenon involves Donald Trump’s mental health. A guideline (based off presidential candidate, Barry Goldwater who was misrepresented as “unfit”) named The Goldwater Rule, restrains any psychiatrist from giving an opinion about public figures they have not personally examined. Even if the public figure meets many of the diagnostic criteria for the diagnosis, the public figure can not be diagnosed from afar despite how strongly a professional may feel. Because there is no scientific test for a psychiatric disorder, the risk for error is too great to be considered ethical.

Regardless of libel, hurt ego, and possible mistreatment, the popularity of diagnosing non-patients can normalize sickness.

What kind of normal behavior can “cross the line” into a mental disorder? Many people want their possessions clean or in a certain spot. They may wash dishes right after they eat or become upset upon finding dirty socks on the living room rug. If this is what many people consider obsessive compulsive disorder, does the seriousness of this disorder ever gain recognition? Furthermore, does this mean everyone who has a propensity for precise order should be treated with OCD medication?

Similarly, a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder has been on the rise for years. Children who are considered ‘wild’ or have an exaggerated sense of energy are often times examined for ADD. Sometimes the diagnosis is made as early as 3 years of age. If parents are unaware that their child may have ADD, teachers can request the parent have their child examined. ADD, unlike many other types of psychiatric disorders, is primarily treated with stimulant medication. While the medicine can greatly improve school performance and certain types of behavioral problems the child may exhibit, not all hyperactive children need or react well to ADD medication. In some cases, the medicine may become addictive not only to those that don’t need it, but for those that do. If there is a risk in treatment for ADD children, over-diagnosis may be a dangerous method of understanding common symptoms that one may or may not find within the actual disorder.

Gary Greenberg hints that the DSM is made up of primarily words instead of medical science. If words are the common denominator, what do we want those words to mean? Do we hurl them as insults or do we use them to treat people who are in actual need of help? It’s a conversation worth having.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/30/the-ethics-of-armchair-diagnosis/

How to Tap into Your Capabilities

“You are capable of so much more than we usually dare to imagine.” – Sharon Salzberg

How many times do you think about doing something and then immediately discard the idea because you think you’re not capable? It’s amazing how often people sell themselves short. Just because you haven’t done something doesn’t mean you don’t have the ability or capability to do an excellent job. Perhaps some of this reluctance is rooted in fear — principally, the fear of failure. We don’t want to stumble and not complete the job or task. We want to be successful. Anything less is not acceptable. How do you tap into your capabilities? Here are some suggestions.

Open your horizons.

What we often don’t take into consideration, however, is that by denying ourselves the opportunity to show that we are capable, we further limit our horizons. Suddenly, the world is a much more confined space and we may fall into the mistaken belief that we don’t deserve to branch out and learn new things. The solution to this is to strike that barrier that seemed so impenetrable and overwhelming. Live life with no limits and see how opportunities begin to reveal themselves.

Learn from your mistakes.

Another self-limiting behavior is our avoidance of learning from our mistakes. Since everybody makes them, there must be something good that can come from the experience. Experts say that this entails analyzing what we did to find the element of wisdom in the actions we took or did not take. It’s from this that we profit from the undertaking. In fact, there’s something to learn from everything we do and we learn by doing — whether it was successful at first, only partially successful, or not successful at all.

Seek encouragement from others.

Once the damper of self-limitation is in place, it can be incredibly hard to lift it. The support and encouragement of loved ones, family members, friends and co-workers or concerned others is an instrumental part of overcoming this self-imposed barrier. Besides, others may more quickly see talents and gifts you possess that aren’t clear to you. When you accept, and receive their encouragement, you’re more inclined to be motivated to discovery and self-growth.

Challenge outmoded beliefs.

But we also must be willing to challenge our outmoded and erroneous beliefs to stimulate our willingness to tackle the unknown. This includes going after that which we deem desirable, interesting, and worthwhile or simply to satisfy our curiosity.

Actively pursue new activities.

Maybe one way to approach cultivating our capabilities is to pursue those activities and endeavors that deliberately expose us to something unfamiliar. When we’re so used to doing the same thing day in and day out, not only can life become boring, but we also tend to become lazy. Instead of seeking anything new and different, we remain comfortable just doing our normal routine. The downside of this is that it doesn’t stimulate or motivate. It’s pure stagnation. No wonder it’s hard to discover more of what we’re capable of.

Learn one new thing every day.

Make it a point to pursue at least one new thing every day. This can be as simple as deciding to take a different route to work or talk to someone you don’t know or investigate some area of interest to see how you can get involved. Some of this is preparation and some involves a little legwork, but it all constitutes an approach that can open your eyes to possibilities and further galvanize your motivation to developing your innate capabilities.

Work on building your self-esteem.

While building self-esteem takes time and does involve navigating some detours and overcoming roadblocks, the effort you exert will pay off in the long run. Every small success or project completed adds to your self-confidence level and works to elevate your self-esteem. You must feel good about yourself to grow. It’s also important to never allow anyone else to tear you down. Refuse to internalize their criticisms, although do take to heart any valid advice, even if it goes contrary to what you currently think. You may have a blind spot when it comes to certain aspects of your behavior. Think of this as another learning experience, an opportunity to further grow.

Recognize that you have untapped potential.

Far too many people either fail to believe in or refuse to recognize their capabilities. Instead, they look at their potential as a finite resource. Besides limiting themselves in an unhealthy manner, such misguided thinking detracts from the joy of everyday living and overall well-being. The truth is that you have so much more in you than you even know — or ever believed possible. Start recognizing that you have a wealth of untapped potential. Now’s the time to dip into that, be inspired and pursue your dreams.

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/30/how-to-tap-into-your-capabilities/

How to Calm Our Anxious Selves

When I was over at a friend’s house recently, I was fascinated watching their six month old kitten playing with a toy mouse. This kitten had never been outdoors, had never been taught to hunt, and had never been exposed to a mouse. Yet she was a trained hunter: she knew instinctively how to sneak up on this stuffed mouse, how to stalk it, snatch it, and grab it in her mouth. This behavior was hard-wired into her genes.

We are hardwired too. We have a flight or flight response as part of our evolutionary inheritance that allows us to escape life threatening predators and danger. This was particularly useful for survival back in ancient times in the caves and on the savannah. The problem is, it has become an overly sensitive false alarm much of the time in modern day life. It is like the smoke alarm that goes off every time you burn a piece of toast — and imagine that you do a lot of toast burning! I was reflecting on this last night as I awoke in the middle of the night, and noticed anxiety sneaking in as my mind began to generate all kinds of worries, threats, and fears — many of which were exaggerated, unfounded, or future based projections.

How do we quell our anxious minds? What do we do when the smoke alarm is going off over that piece of burnt toast, or traffic jam, or new social situation you are going into, or the presentation you have to give at work, or in the middle of the night when your mind wants to come up with every possible worst-case scenario of things that could go wrong? 

1. We can learn to notice our brain’s tendency to over-perceive “threat” in many situations, and our tendency to ruminate, jump to future forecasting of doom and gloom, and often experience distorted and irrational thoughts as absolute truths.   Being able to observe this tendency of our minds, and perhaps to do so with a bit of distance and even humor, can help us to not get swept away by our thinking.  The act of noticing, in and of itself, can help to bring other parts of our brain on-line that can see a bigger and more rational picture.
2. Another thing we can do is to learn to accept these uncomfortable emotions as sensations in our bodies and learn to ride the waves of these emotions, rather than desperately trying to get rid of them (which is often like trying to stop the waves at the ocean).  Ironically, the more we can accept what is happening in our bodies without freaking out or reacting in unhelpful ways, the easier it becomes to navigate our anxiety.  For the many patients I have worked with who have experienced panic, for example, when they learn to accept that this is an evolutionary false alarm that will pass, and that it doesn’t mean that they have to avoid situations just because they are experiencing anxiety, they do very well.  As much as I love public speaking, I often feel my heart pounding out of my chest for the first few minutes of a presentation.  I have come to accept this, and don’t make a big deal of it or need it to be different for me to continue doing what I love to do.
3. We can learn to befriend these difficult emotions. They are not our enemy, anymore than the smoke detectors in our homes. We probably wouldn’t yell at the smoke detector for going off if the toast was burning, and we certainly wouldn’t try to get rid of it; we would likely open some windows to let the smoke diffuse and appreciate that the alarm was working, in case we ever truly needed it. When we bring compassion to this more primitive part of ourselves and even appreciate that it is there for a good reason, we can help to metaphorically put an arm around our anxious parts and provide some soothing and comfort to ourselves. Life has its challenges, and it is a lot easier to navigate these challenges when we are our own ally. Doing so often allows some of these anxious parts to ease, and helps us to choose how best to respond. Sometimes, our best response might simply be to continue sending compassion to ourselves, or to seek other forms of self-care.
4. We can step back and take wise action toward any aspect of our anxiety that might be rooted in some rationality. We can try to separate out what choices we have in THIS moment, and focus our energy on those efforts, rather than focusing on imagined outcomes that may never come to be, that leave us feeling helpless. If I feel an unusual lump in my body, I can make an appointment with the doctor immediately. If I see an injustice happening in the community or world around me, I can take steps within my control to take a stand and become involved. If there have been two burglaries in the neighborhood I can make sure that I have a security system for my home. Then go back and repeat the above steps.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/30/how-to-calm-our-anxious-selves/

Screening Tests Don’t Diagnose People

A recent article over at NPR’s health blog, Shots, cautions that attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can’t be diagnosed with a simple screening test. Of course it can’t.

The question I have to ask then is, who ever said any mental illness or mental health condition could be diagnosed by a screening measure alone?

The article, by Rebecca Hersher, seems to reflect a fundamental misunderstanding about the purpose of screening measures, such as the one published by the World Health Organization to screen for ADHD:

Which is why many people were excited when earlier this year a World Health Organization advisory group endorsed a six-question screening test that a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported could reliably identify adults with ADHD.

And rather than argue the scientific data from the study (that showed that in a study of 637 adults, a new 6 item screening quiz could reliably identify those who might quality for a formal ADHD diagnosis) the author seems to sidetrack into a completely different, unasked question. That is, whether screening measures alone should be the basis for a person’s mental health diagnosis.

I don’t know of a single professional who would answer “yes” to such a question.

The Purpose of Screening Measures

Let’s take a quick dip into better understanding the purpose of screening measures. “Screening” generally means helping a non-mental health professional (like an ordinary person or a physician) understand whether a person appears to meet the minimum symptom criteria for a given disorder. I know of no screening measures that claim they actually diagnose disorders or conditions. Screening measures are meant simply to let a person know, “Hey, this appears to be a concern for you — you should seek out further professional mental health advice and help if you want an actual diagnosis.”

Screening measures are generally designed on purpose to err on the side of an abundance of caution when it comes to helping people who take them. Wouldn’t you rather be told by a screening measure that if you have symptoms that are consistent with ADHD, you should go get it checked out by a professional? That’s all screening measures do in most parts of the world.

However, some parts of the world — typically those targeted by the World Health Organization — are poor and have very limited access to healthcare. Screening measures help these under-served countries conduct population-based preventative care. If someone is at risk for ADHD, for instance, they can be given strategies for helping their symptoms before it has the change to become a full-blown disorder. Teachers and parents can pay special attention to their needs; accommodations may be made for them at work.

Arguing Against Information

When screening measures are misused — such as suggesting they can substitute for a professional diagnosis — that is a problem. However, most ethical physicians or mental health professionals would never rely solely on a screening measure as the basis of a diagnosis. That’s why mental health professionals, like psychologists and psychiatrists, have years of experience and practice with diagnosis. They know the subtleties and art of diagnosis.

Ironically, those who berate screening measures seem to be suggesting that people can’t be trusted with the information such measures provide. It’s that old medical paternalism once again rearing its ugly head. “We can’t let ordinary people take diagnostic screening measures, they’ll mistake the advice for a diagnosis!”

So what if they do? They, like most people, would then be empowered to engage in self-help treatments to alleviate their symptoms on their own. And if they wanted or needed more treatment, professional treatment? The formal disorder would still have to be diagnosed by a mental health professional or physician. And believe me, no professional takes the results of a screening measure as the final word on a diagnosis.

To me, these kinds of articles seem like they were built as a straw man argument. Nobody seriously believes a screening measure is a substitute for a diagnosis. Yet the article portrays that perspective as a legitimate concern — yet not one not supported by any scientific data.

Yes, formal diagnosis of a mental disorder can be complex, nuanced, and sometimes difficult. That’s why people should always go right to a mental health professional — not their primary physician — for a consultation if they have any concerns about their mental health.

 

Read the original article: Adult ADHD Can’t Be Diagnosed With A Simple Screening Test, Doctors Warn

Take the WHO’s 6-question Quick Adult ADHD Screening Test or our longer ADHD screening test.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/30/screening-tests-dont-diagnose-people/

Best of Our Blogs: May 30, 2017

One of the most difficult things about illness, either physical or mental, is how much of an impact it can have on one’s life.

On rough days, it’s easy to fantasize about life free without the burdens that come with it. How nice it would be to go about your day with a sense of ease.

I know it’s hard to be you sometimes. It’s difficult to maneuver the world when your anxiety or disease prevents you from being your best self.

It may seem like what you’re struggling with is the hardest thing in the world. You may feel alone in dealing with your anger, your messy household, your narcissistic parent, and even abuse. But there is hope in all of our stories. Just when you’re worn down, and fed up, you find solace, peace and healing around the corner.

5 Ways Anger is Not Like Other Emotions
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – It’s the emotion that scares you most. But there are five special attributes of anger that can make you happier and healthier.

Speedy The Narcissist and the Green Pea Fiasco
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – It’s the reason why narcissist parents force their kids to do things they don’t want to do.

Recovering from an Abusive Narcissist
(The Exhausted Woman) – Being in a relationship with a narcissist can cause trauma as seen in this story of a woman who was married to an abusive narcissist for 25 years. But you’ll find hope in her recovery.

5 Tasks to Less Stress with Housework (in Less Than 40 Minutes a Day)
(Mommy Matters) – Are you feeling overwhelmed with your messy house? Try these simple tasks to feel more at peace.

Daddy Issues: How Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers Can Cope (Part 1)
(Recovering from a Narcissist) – This is for you if you’re a daughter of a narcissistic father. Here’s what you can do to heal.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/30/best-of-our-blogs-may-30-2017/

6 Harmful Thoughts Fueling Your Battle with Food

“Eating is not a crime. It’s not a moral issue. It’s normal. It’s enjoyable. It just is.” — Carrie Arnold

Like many women, I was introduced to diet “tricks” and “hacks” at a young age. In my case, that was around twelve to thirteen years old.

I consumed magazines and movies that constantly reminded me about the importance of dieting, losing weight, and looking skinny.

As a self-conscious teenager, I began to compare myself to the women in music videos with flat bellies, the slim actresses in movies, and models in magazines with their perfect “beach bodies.”

This self-consciousness only grew louder as I witnessed girls in my classroom getting teased for being “too fat” and “ugly.”

Thinking there was only one type of “perfect body” made me feel I didn’t measure up.

How I Broke My Relationship with Food

The feeling of not being good enough made me pay attention to the diet tricks I was promised on magazine covers.

This is when my relationship with food changed.

Food stopped being an experience to enjoy, and it became a way to create the body I thought I wanted.

To be completely honest, my experience wasn’t as traumatic as what other women have suffered. I never vomited. I never stopped eating for days. Although I was happy whenever I came down with a stomach virus because my stomach looked completely flat afterward.

I started experimenting with green juices—the wrong way. I would drink a spinach and cucumber juice (hating the taste) and immediately give myself permission to binge on pizza and other foods because I had “endured” the juicing.

I began counting calories on a blackboard, like if I was doing math at school.

For a period of time, I decided to eat only liquid and very soft foods, in tiny portions.

After several months of my “experiments,” my father started commenting that the bones in my wrists became more noticeable, and my mom insisted I looked too thin, but there was not such thing at “too thin” in the mind of my teenage self.

One time that I came down with another stomach virus, the doctor told me I was underweight, and she gave me a prescription for a supplement to gain weight.

I was horrified at the idea of putting on weight. I refused, much to my mother’s concern.

The irony was that even though I was restricting my food on a daily basis, I had no problem with binging on cake and ice cream while watching TV in my room. I thought if I ate very little most of the time, these foods were my prizes.

Eating turned into a bittersweet experience. When I was in “diet mode,” I ate too little, with worry, and calculated the effect of everything I ate on my weight. When I was on “binge mode,” I ate without restrictions, with guilt in the back of my mind, feeling upset that I would have to go back to “diet” soon.

When My Body Said “Enough”

Because of my inconsistent and emaciating eating habits, I had digestive problems most of my teenage years.

My turning point happened when I developed serious digestive issues during holiday.

For almost two weeks I couldn’t digest my food properly, I was bloated, and I had constant stomach pain.

Because we were away on holiday in my grandparents’ house in the countryside in Costa Rica, there were no clinics or doctors around.

My grandfather made me tea with ginger and digestive herbs from his garden to alleviate my pain.

To my surprise, that same day my stomach problems diminished, and after two days I felt in perfect shape.

I was baffled that drinking tea helped me get better when medications that I’d taken for years couldn’t fix my stomach problems.

This is the moment when I realized food could heal my body.

I began researching and learning about what food could do for me from the inside out. Quickly, I realized the damage I had been doing to my body by eating the way I was.

I decided to start eating whole foods, mostly plant-based meals, almost right away.

I wanted to heal my body and in the process I healed my relationship with food.

In my mind, food became what it should have been all along: nourishment and pleasure.

Fast forward to today, I’ve learned how to eat intuitively, how to eat with mindfulness and joy, and how to approach my body from a place of acceptance and love.

Our Thoughts About Food Matter

Looking back, I realize how damaging my thoughts about food were.

Seeing food as my enemy made me eat in a way that damaged my body—too little, too much, and never with absolute pleasure. This happens to so many people in our diet-crazed society.

In this post, I want to help you identify and transform thoughts that are harming your relationship with food and holding you back from eating with joy.

The way you eat is a reflection of your thoughts and perceptions.

If you have been struggling with dieting, obsessing over calories, and restricting your meals, I want to help you take a step back and shift your mindset so you can heal your relationship with food.

Letting go of these six toxic thoughts about food will help you eat mindfully, and with pleasure.

1. Thinking of Food as a Reward.

Rewarding a healthy diet with unhealthy food, like during cheat days, defeats the purpose of eating with joy.

Having cheat days can make your daily meals seem less enjoyable in comparison, which diminishes your pleasure.

Also, cheat days often turn into binge eating episodes that leave you feeling physically and mentally upset. This doesn’t contribute to your health or happiness.

A more mindful approach is to allow yourself to indulge on not-so-healthy foods occasionally in moderate portions, instead of reserving certain moments or days to pig out on junk food. Don’t see these indulgences as “rewards” or “prizes” reserved for certain occasions.

At the same time, eat healthy food that makes you happy on a daily basis. Don’t limit your meals to bland or boring food. Expand your daily menu so you’re always eating healthy meals you like.

2. Using Food as a Punishment.

Using food to punish yourself is just as damaging as using it to reward yourself.

Eating less or not eating to “punish” yourself for overeating is only going to reinforce the feeling you have been “bad,” and this will make you more anxious and paranoid around food.

For example, forcing yourself to eat only certain foods—green juices, “detox” teas, salads—that you dislike to compensate for binging episodes or because you feel “fat” will deprive your body of the nutrients you need and make you miserable.

You don’t need to deprive your body; torturing yourself is not the answer.

The best thing you can do to stop this cycle is to practice self-love. Love yourself, love your body, and know you don’t need to punish it.

A healthy diet that keeps you fit is abundant in whole, nourishing foods. If you want to start over, don’t stop eating. Eat more healthy foods: berries, nuts, beans, lentils, quinoa, all the veggies you can imagine, plenty of water, whole grains, soups, and more.

3. Thinking of Food as Comfort.

Emotional eating happens when we see food as a form of consolation.

I ate cake many times a week because I thought it made me “happy.” I was a lonely teenager, and cake made me feel life was a little sweeter for a moment.

Using food to cope when we feel sad, angry, lonely, or hurt can be addictive. We start to associate “happiness” with food, and the longer we do it, the harder it is to break the habit.

Relying on food to feel better shuts down the opportunity to work on your problems in a meaningful way.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to actively seek healthier ways to cope when things seem bad—and there are plenty of them.

Exercising, meditating, listening to music, reading, taking a walk, playing with a kitten or a dog, brainstorming solutions to your problems, learning a new skill, taking a nap, and talking to friends are more effective and healthier ways to lift up your mood.

4. Seeing Food as Something “Prohibited.”

Having a strict and inflexible diet will stress you and it may not even help you eat less, according to studies.

Food restrictions often result in constant thoughts and cravings about the food you are “forbidding”—donuts, brownies, ice cream, or sugar- and this keeps you from fully enjoying the meals in your plate.

Studies show that restricted eaters have more thoughts about food that non-restricted eaters.

Obviously, this won’t let you feel at peace or happy with your food.

I’m not saying you should eat without limits and binge on whatever you want, I’m suggestion to focus your efforts elsewhere: Instead of frantically forbidding foods, focus on adding healthier foods to your diet.

Forbidding unhealthy food makes you stressed and is ineffective, but if you simply focus on eating more whole foods, your mind will be at peace and you will eat healthier without even noticing.

5. Seeing Food as Entertainment.

When you go to the movies, do you eat popcorn because you’re truly hungry or just because that’s how it’s done?

It’s probably the latter, right? In this context, popcorn is part of the entertaining experience.

However, if you start turning to food to keep you entertained every time you’re bored, you will overeat and won’t savor your meals.

Eating mindfully means being aware of your food and enjoying the experience.

Using food as a distraction won’t let you enjoy your meals the same way.

Instead of using food as entertainment, find constructive ways to occupy your mind.

Activities that engage you, like playing a game, reading a novel, drawing, organizing or exercising are better for your mind and body.

6. Measuring Your Self-Worth Based on How Much You Eat.

Finally, don’t give food the power to measure your self-worth.

You’re more than what or how much you eat.

Beating yourself up over what you eat is exactly what harms your relationship with food and steals your happiness.

If you feel you haven’t been eating healthy, don’t get angry with yourself. You can always make a change for the better and improve your diet whenever you decide.

It’s important you see food as your ally, not as the enemy.

—

Food is not meant to make you feel guilty, worried, or restrict you in any way.

It is there to nourish, support you, and make you feel your best.

If you want to heal your relationship with food, begin by transforming the harmful thoughts that keep you from fully enjoying your eating experience.

This article courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/29/6-harmful-thoughts-fueling-your-battle-with-food/

Empowering vs. Enabling

What amount of love does it take to say “No”, to set boundaries and allow for people to learn from the natural consequences of their actions? Enough to fill an Olympic stadium. Hard sometimes to sit back and watch someone you love self-destruct before your eyes; especially if it is your child, regardless of age.

The parents of a mid-20’s man find themselves in that unenviable position. This intelligent, creative and loving young man is also, at times at the mercy of various mental health diagnoses including ADHD and OCD. He has been in treatment, but is not always compliant with recommendations and is lax about keeping appointments. His parents and significant other are at their wits’ end in terms of how to successfully intervene as his choices and behaviors impact on them. While his intentions may be solid, his follow through is not. They question how they can demonstrate concern without crippling him. This situation is still unfolding.

A familiar story is that of a butterfly struggling to emerge from a chrysalis. A person witnesses it and attempts to help by cracking open the encasing structure. What they didn’t know was that there is a natural process by which the creature pushes up against the shell which moves the fluid from the swollen body into the wings to assist them in spreading. By offering such help, that activity was halted and the butterfly limped around and then died.

In much the same way, even out of compassion, we hobble those who struggle when we do for them what they are capable of doing for themselves.

A few years ago, a single mother had to face a difficult decision when her young adult son asked to move back in with her when he was in a highly dysfunctional relationship that was contributing to elevated levels of stress, as well as feelings of depression.  She was facing a health crisis and having him return would likely have exacerbated it. Mustering her fortitude and having learned about her own co-dependent behaviors, she said the one two letter word that is sometimes the most challenging. N-O. Although he attempted to convince her that it would a positive move for both of them, she stood her ground. Her position was reinforced by friends who were familiar with her circumstances. Several years later, both mother and son are glad that she made that painful choice. He was able to tough it out, left at the end of his lease and is now in a healthy, loving relationship.

What is the difference between enabling and empowering?

Enabling is encouraging another to relinquish responsibility for feelings and decisions by taking over life tasks such as housekeeping, bill paying, waking up even after the alarm has been ringing for a while, getting to work or school on time, driving if they have become impaired. It may also take the form of excusing outbursts or violence, since they relate it to intoxication or mental health diagnoses. These behaviors serve to continue the status quo.

Empowering allows for growth and independence and in many ways, helps to obliterate the otherwise self-sabotaging behaviors. There is risk involved in stepping back and allowing the ‘baby bird to leave the nest,’ since it will either fall or fly. Hard to say which is more difficult for a parent. If one is accustomed to making it too comfortable for their child, they may need to create a new role for themselves. There may also be push-back from the offspring, since what might have felt like a perpetual childhood, is vanishing.

A few questions to ask to determine if behaviors are enabling or empowering:

• Am I doing for them what they able to do?
• Am I acting out of guilt and obligation?
• Am I walking on eggshells, fearful of reaction if I say no?
• Am I worried about them feeling rejected?
• What if they didn’t need me as much?
• Who am I if I am not a rescuer?
• Do they have a track record of success in one area that can translate into another?
• Can I reinforce their abilities if that is the case?
• Do I hold a vision for them of success?
• Do I have my own self- doubt that is contagious?
• Do I trust them to make good decisions?
• Do I want responsibility for another person beyond the point at which it is healthy for either of us?
• Do I want to be seen as the savior?
• Are there others who can offer support and assistance to this person?
• Can I help them put a plan in place to have them move forward?
• Have I used encouraging “I believe in you,” language or discouraging, “Are you sure you can do this?” verbiage?
• Do I feel good about my decision?
• Is it in their best interest?

It is in alignment with the proverb that if you give someone a fish, they will eat for one day. If you teach them to fish, they will eat for a lifetime. Encourage them to cast their nets far and wide and see the bounty they bring in.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/29/empowering-vs-enabling/

Family-Based Treatment: 7 Common Surprises Parents Often Experience

For parents of an adolescent with an eating disorder, determining the best treatment approach to meet the needs of both your child and yourself can be extremely difficult. It has to be effective. It has to include the family. Simply, it has to work.

For a growing number of families, the approach that fits all the above criteria is Family-Based Treatment (FBT), a philosophy giving families an active, transparent and supporting role not only at home, but inside clinical settings. Most families I work with discover FBT to be a very gratifying, fulfilling and pleasantly surprising experience. In fact, many have admitted it provides invaluable skills and confidence they couldn’t find anywhere else.

From our extensive use of FBT, here are seven surprises parents commonly discover:

1. It is okay to ask for and accept help. – Being the parent of a child with an eating disorder is hard, to say the least. Often the shame you feel for having “missed” something only compounds the fear you have of being blamed for the disorder. However, parents often talk about how helpful FBT is in decreasing shame and increasing their openness to support. FBT does not believe in blaming anyone for the eating disorder — blame is an unfortunate circumstance. The goal is to move forward through behavior disruption and recovery. With FBT, families are given permission to change the conversation from “what caused” the disorder to “I can help my child get well.”
2. I am not the only one going through this. – Eating disorders are isolative. They thrive in the secrecy and the mystery of no one knowing what is truly going on. FBT works to counteract this and empower you through the use of multi-family groups and parent support groups. Knowing you are not alone and that others struggle in similar ways is relieving and immensely helpful in re-energizing parents in their fight against their child’s eating disorder.
3. My child wants support and structure. – Many parents have stated this quote with disbelief during family sessions. If you think about it, few adolescents say, “I would love more boundaries and rules, thanks mom and dad!” Often, it feels like the complete opposite. But what parents learn through FBT is that their child tests their boundaries to ensure they are securely being held. They will challenge at meals to make sure that you are going to help them with their eating disorder and not back down. Your child is asking you to take away the constant stream of negative thoughts and allow them to focus on being a kid again.
4. I can have my child back. – As parents struggle with eating disorders at home, they often feel as though they have lost their child. They question whether this is the new “norm” and whether life at home is changed forever. Yet, through FBT, parents often report seeing glimpses of their child, including the reemergence of a sense of humor and personality. Of course, this may also include a mix of good and bad, as adolescent development can involve its own challenges, such as having an attitude, challenging rules and making mistakes.
5. I can do it. – FBT is intuitive. At first, it may feel otherwise (counterintuitive). After all, it is hard to ask your child to do something that’s more challenging than anything else they’ve gone through. Remember though, you’ve been successfully feeding your child for years. The eating disorder might make you question yourself and lose confidence. But FBT allows you to regain both confidence and control around meals at home.
6. It works. – FBT works. Parents and their children are able to successfully move forward in their lives, achieving medical stability and ultimate recovery from their eating disorder. In fact, a 2010 study found that two thirds of adolescents participating in FBT in our Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) were medically recovered one year after follow-up. In addition, 75-90% of adolescent clients remained fully weight-restored at the five-year follow-up.
7. Help is available. – The biggest surprise parents discover is that FBT can be successful, regardless of the severity of their child’s eating disorder.

Treating an eating disorder is incredibly challenging and overwhelming for all who are involved. But using FBT, you’ll find a trusted roadmap to gain the skills, resources and knowledge to help you and your child achieve a fulfilled life free of the eating disorder.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/29/family-based-treatment-7-common-surprises-parents-often-experience/

Passing Life’s Quiz

“Why did you glance over there? Were you trying to cheat? You are a cheater!” my mind shrieks.

Before a high-pressure exam, these falsehoods rampage through my mind like a bulldozing running back. And they are just as powerful.

My offense: glancing over at the neighboring test taker.

But reality doesn’t stop the incoming tsunami of intrusive, unwanted thoughts. “Maybe you are a cheater; maybe you were trying to get an unfair advantage,” my mind barks.

At this point, I am drenched in sweat; my sweaty hands dripping like a leaky faucet.

“Open your blue book; you have an hour and a half,” the exam proctor announces. And with that, I gamely (attempt to) shift my focus from my mind’s chaotic musings to the exam at hand.  

Welcome to OCD’s alternate reality. In this alternate universe, my mind blurts out more falsehoods than a well-oiled car salesman. And they are just as persuasive.

Yes, the distressing thoughts are distracting, aggravating, irritating–any negative characterization will suffice. And, yes, my mind has convicted me of more offenses than you can shake a pair of handcuffs at.   

But having navigated law school, multiple Bar exams, and the working world, I am well-versed in my mind’s language — and torment. And, thankfully, I have learned to manage the burdensome thoughts and overwhelming emotions.  

While I can bemoan mental illness — and, believe me, it is tempting some days, the dreaded thoughts and throbbing anxiety have provided a platform. Even, dare I say it, an identity. I am a featured contributor for Psych Central, chronicling life’s unpredictability in pithy columns. With brutal honesty and savage humor (most of it directed at myself), my articles empower myself and my inspiring readers.

Even more importantly, my self-help revelations have mainstreamed mental health conversations among my extended family. Playing mental health alphabet soup (OCD, ADD), my extended family and I now openly discuss mental health trials and tribulations. While my family may not fully grasp OCD’s depth or despair, their understanding has normalized these emotionally fraught conversations. And, to think, they once dismissed mental health concerns as “certifiable” or a “whack job.”  

Mental illness — dare I say it — has enriched my life. And by helping others overcome their own harrowing struggles, mental health has ensured that I am not cheating — life, that is.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/29/passing-lifes-quiz/

When Your Mate Touches a Nerve…

How do you talk to your partner about a sensitive topic? If he or she says something that makes you uneasy, do you feel tightness in your throat, chest or elsewhere? Forget to breathe?

Maybe you change the subject? Call the person selfish, unreasonable, or inconsiderate? Or withdraw?

Reacting means doing or saying what first pops into your mind. If you routinely do whatever you’re asked to do when you’d rather not, you’re likely to build up resentment. If instead of yielding, you belittle or stonewall your partner, you can expect ill will and conflict to increase.

By responding thoughtfully instead of impulsively, you’re more likely to create a receptive, friendly climate in which good feelings flourish. This kind of caring response often is worded as an “I-statement.”

What’s an I-Statement?

I-statements usually begins with the word, “I.” They provide a simple, powerful way to state our thoughts, feelings, wishes, or needs. Examples: “I felt hurt when you forgot it was my birthday.” “I’d like you to phone me if you’re going to be late.”

I-statements tend to foster connection, cooperation, and respect.  

What’s a You-statement?

On the other hand, a “You-statement” tends to create distance. It often starts with the word, “you.” It implies that the other person addressed is bad or wrong. Examples: “You’re a slob. You always leave crumbs on the counter.”  Some people think they are making an I-statement that is actually a disguised You-statement. Example: “I feel that you are a slob when you leave crumbs on the kitchen counter.” The sentence starts with “I” but it’s really expressing a negative judgment. This could be changed into a true I-statement instead, by saying, “I feel annoyed when you leave crumbs on the counter. I’d appreciate it if you would wipe it after you make your sandwich.”

A “You-statement” typically creates distance in a relationship.

What an I-statement Communicates

An I statement is a clear message that can express:  

• what you are thinking, e.g., “I think it’s important to keep agreements,”
• how you are feeling, e.g., “I like it when you open the car door for me,”
• why you feel the way you do, e.g., “because when you this, I feel like you appreciate me as a women,”
• what you want or need, e.g., “I want to get to married,” or
• what you are prepared to do if you don’t get what you want or need, e.g., “If you’re interested in keeping our relationship uncommitted, I’m going to stop seeing you.”

Benefits of I-Statements

I-statements are powerful in marriage and elsewhere because they are likely to:

• let the other person know what you want,
• avoid arguments and misunderstandings,
• help you state your thoughts and feelings calmly, and
• increase clarity, understanding, and cooperation (from a spouse, dating partner, children, and others).

How to Make an I-statement

By following the steps below for making an I-statement listed below, you’ll be more likely to gain your partner’s understanding and cooperation:

1. Say how you feel about the behavior.
2. Name the specific behavior.
3. Say what you’d like or wouldn’t like to see happen next time.
4. (Optional) Say what you are prepared to do if the behavior continues.

Example:

A woman might say to a man she’s been dating, “I felt uncomfortable when you flirted with the waitress last night. When you’re with me, I want to feel like I’m the only woman you’re interested in. She might add now, or in the future is the flirting happens again, “If this continues, I’m afraid it will make it hard for me to keep seeing you.”

If you decide to say what you will do if your partner’s behavior does not change, it’s best to mention the consequence in a way that can encourage cooperation. So be friendly, and avoid sounding like you’re making a threat.

Strive for Progress, Not Perfection

Assuming that you are a nice person but not a saint, you can expect to slip into a reactive mode at times and say something you regret. When this happens, recognize your mistake and do the repair work promptly. Be generous with your I-statements. Let your partner know that you regret what you said, in a way that fits for you, such as, “I’m sorry. I wish I could erase what I said. I want to do better next time.”

When I-Statements Backfire

Usually, using I-Statements will help you feel heard, valued for your true self, and understood.  Exceptions happen, however. One situation where using them can leave you disappointed is when the other person doesn’t care about you or your feelings. Another is that some people aren’t comfortable being on the receiving end of an I-statement. They may have been taught as children that it is selfish to ask directly for what you want. They might have been told that they were “wrong” to express angry, upset, hurt, or sad feelings.

This sort of person learned that it is not safe to be vulnerable, which is what happens when we open up by expressing our feelings. He or she can easily grow up an adult who lacks self-understanding, and therefore finds it difficult to empathize with another. He or she might feel backed into a corner upon hearing your I-statements, and therefore respond insensitively, e.g., “I’m sick of hearing about your feelings. Get over it.”

If serious challenges are holding you back from empathizing with yourself and your partner, be aware that it’s very difficult to change an entrenched pattern on your own. If you want to create a healthier relationship, individual or couple therapy can help.

Most of us can learn to communicate positively, even when our buttons get pushed. If making I-statements feels challenging, make them anyway. Practice makes perfect. By using I-statements more often, we’re likely to relate more empathically to ourselves, our partner, and others.

Note: Step-by-step instructions for using I-statements and six other positive communication skills are given in in Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted, by Marcia Naomi Berger (New World Library).

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/28/when-your-mate-touches-a-nerve/

6 Essential Qualities of Leadership

“A leader’s job is not to do the work for others, it’s to help others figure out how to do it themselves, to get things done, and to succeed beyond what they thought possible.” – Simon Sinek

Leadership is a prized quality. Without effective leaders, companies would fail, projects would never get off the ground, problems would fester, children would get into all sorts of mischief, relationships would go awry and all sorts of other negative ramifications would likely ensue. As much as we say leadership is necessary, many of us are reluctant to take on the responsibility Worse, most of us feel we lack the qualities of a leader. What about you? Are you a leader? Maybe you think you’re just an employee and that you don’t have what it takes to lead.

You might be wrong. Here are some of the essential qualities of a good leader, giving some much-needed insight into what leadership is.

A leader possesses a powerful desire to do something.

If you want to help your co-workers, a family member or loved one, a close friend, or even a stranger to figure out how to solve a problem, work through an issue, strategize a doable approach to a task or project, you have what’s key to being a leader.

There’s more to leadership than that, of course, but it is an excellent start. Here are some other qualities of leadership to keep in mind that can help you be more effective in your dealings with others and in achieving your own personal and professional goals:

A leader encourages, not discourages others.

What’s more inspiring and motivating that you hear from your boss or someone in authority? Is it harsh criticism, always finding fault with your work, expressing disappointment over your efforts? Or, do you respond more favorably to words that encourage, offer suggestions, ask if you need help? An effective leader strives to choose the right language to motivate, persuade and congratulate others to do their best, to keep going when times get rough, and share what works with others.

A leader leads by example.

You wouldn’t expect others to follow your example if the way you conduct yourself is less than honorable. If you are untrustworthy, that doesn’t inspire trust. If you are cruel or lack empathy, those who report to you or look to you as an authority figure won’t find you admirable. On the other hand, a leader who does what he or she says and tells the truth is someone who deserves respect. Showing kindness and understanding toward others similarly gains the attention of those who look to you for direction.

A leader isn’t afraid to share strategies and tips.

Leaders have found the answers to difficult problems, solutions to complex or complicated issues, and how to get results. The most effective leaders are the ones who are also the most willing to share their knowledge in the form of strategies and tips. Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation, a company-wide speech, letter, newsletter, blog, video or phone blast message from the boss, when a leader shares ideas and tips with employees it encourages others to respond in kind.

A leader knows effective leadership is contagious.

If you want good things to happen in your company, at home or school or with your neighbors, and you inspire by your own actions, you’ll find that this attitude spreads like a wildfire. Everyone wants to be bitten by the success bug in one form or another. Good actions can overcome a lot of negatives in the world. Be that leader and help others who encounter you find their own leadership skills begin to flourish.

A leader never gives up.

The tendency to feel disheartened when a project fails is nearly universal. Yet an effective leader knows that this is precisely the time when employees, loved ones, family and friends most need encouragement and to be reminded that they’ll get through this together. There’s strength in community, yet more powerful still is the community with a strong leader to motivate them to continue. While the solution to problems may seem elusive, the difficulties seemingly insurmountable and resources lacking, the leader you want to guide you offers hope and a commitment to stand by you and with you to completion.

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/28/6-essential-qualities-of-leadership/

‘My Daughter Won’t Eat!’ 3 Tips if Your Teen Struggles with Disordered Eating

So, its dinner time and you’ve been logging away hours at the stove preparing what you thought was your daughter’s favorite meal; mashed potatoes, steak, and green beans. She has always loved this meal. Ever since she was very young, her favorite food has been mashed potatoes. But this night is different, just like most of the nights the past 2 months. Sally, 13 years old, wont eat. You pray and hope each night will be better. Just maybe, she will have a few more bites than the night before. Sally sits down to eat and oh, no. She isn’t eating, again. She slowly moves her green beans around on the plate, pretends to take bites, and gulps down her water, filling herself up with liquid instead. This is your life lately and you have no idea what to do.

I get it. A very large portion of my clients is struggling with disordered eating and/or body image. This is extremely common for the age group 10-30 years old, unfortunately. This example above is all too close to home for the girls I work with. Struggling to eat, standing in front on their mirror feeling like nothing fits them, and refusing to eat at school because they are afraid others will judge them or because, “I am just not hungry.” For parents, this is a nightmare.

Quite frankly, if your child or teen is struggling to eat, not eating, refusing to eat, and/or loosing weight or engaging in excessive measures to loose weight, its time to seek professional help. I strongly recommend an inpatient treatment center if deemed appropriate for their level of care, a therapist, registered dietician, and/or psychiatrist and doctor. All of these people make up what is referred to as a “treatment team.” This “team” helps to make sure that your teen is getting the best care and recovery possible.

What can you do to help? Its hard being a parent of a child with an eating disorder (ED). Period. I often hear my client’s parents blaming themselves or looking for reasons why their child has disordered eating and constantly beating themselves up for “why” or “I should have done…” Tip # 1: Stop Beating Yourself Up. You did nothing to create this. ED’s are sneaky, powerful, and manipulative. They can pop up seemingly randomly, out of the blue, or unexpectedly. You did nothing to create this. You are doing the best you can. Its extremely hard to know what exactly to say, do, or ways to help, in fear of making your teen upset, mad at you, or even more uncomfortable. Your teen doesn’t want this either. Show yourself love and compassion the same way you want your teen to show themselves love and compassion.

While ED’s can be confusing and frustrating, the last thing you ever want to tell your teen is Tip #2 : “Just Eat It.” Never, ever, ever, please never, say this to your teen. Your teen desperately wants to be better. They hate this daily battle. They wish so badly that they could just eat the dinner. ED is yelling at them in their ear statements like, ‘you’re fat’ and ‘if you eat that, no one will like you.’ These are words they hear all day everyday when trying to eat. Telling them ‘’just eat it’ is extremely painful and angering for them to hear. They wish they could eat it, just like you!

Recovery can be a long, hard, and painful road. But it is absolutely possible and real. Recovery does exist! Be patient with yourself and your teen. Be a role model for them. Say nice things about yourself when you look in the mirror, show good self esteem, and model confidence. Once your teen begins to show signs of recovery and is doing better, another comment to avoid is Tip # 3: “You look so healthy!” They are absolutely not ready to hear that their body is changing. This is their number one fear. The one thing they dread the most is their body changing in recovery. Avoid making any comments about their body, appearance, weight, shape, or size. Really maximize and talk about their qualities that have nothing to do with weight. Have you noticed that they overall just seem happier? Point this out! But, please don’t comment that they look healthier. To individuals with ED’s, ‘healthier’ can mean ‘gained weight.’ While this may be true, that they have gained weight, this is not appropriate to be pointing out.

I know this is hard, draining, and heartbreaking to watch and experience, just know that it does get better and yes, you can help. Simply being there for your teen does wonders. Listen, let them vent, and just be a shoulder to cry on. Try not to give too much advice or appear bossy. Their treatment team knows what their doing and is there to help guide the way. Just be a mom or dad and show your teen you love them and care.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/28/my-daughter-wont-eat-3-tips-if-your-teen-struggles-with-disordered-eating/