The Sweetest Sound

“I am going to to do something I am passionate about,” I vowed.

Fresh off college graduation, I radiated a healthy idealism. From politics to policy to mental health, I was ready to saber rattle the status quo into submission.  

Six months later, I sat in a sterile office in a nondescript DC office analyzing legal psychobabble. From the crackling paint to the linoleum tiles, the office could have doubled as a psych ward. And as I listened my desultory colleagues groan in agony, maybe it was.

As I walked around the office in a sullen stupor, I looked at my miserable colleagues and shook my head in disbelief. What the hell are they doing here? And, better yet, what the hell am I doing here?

For many, youthful passion is disparaged as hopeless idealism. It is a phase you will grow out of — you know, like your Dave Matthews Band obsession or Alyssa Milano crush. I am 36 — and still haven’t “grown out of it” (even though my unrequited love has cooled ever so slightly for Miss Milano).

And why should I? And, more importantly, why should you?

Wrapped in hopeful idealism (with maybe a touch of Iowa naïveté), I have spent the better part of my adult life searching for my calling. While others have mocked me (my father’s derisive sneer, “So you want to do something you are passionate about?” still stings), a calling is important for professional and — dare I say it — personal success.

Here is a proper definition: A calling is an individual’s experience toward any career domain — e.g. teaching, social work, medicine, clergy, musicians — that allows for “a self-relevant view of meaning.” It is a highly individualized, subjective experience. In other words, well-meaning family (ahem ahem) and friends cannot dictate your calling. As it should be; a self-reflective quest to find your calling is emotionally challenging — and more emotionally enriching.  

I have searched — and at times struggled — to find my calling. From hammering out legal-tinged columns for the National Journal (no) to shuffling through legal documents (definitely not!) to writing acerbic sports columns (getting warmer) to offering pithy Psych Central takes (warmest?), I have been in perpetual search and discover mode. Or is that lost and (still waiting) to be found?

My family says yes (insert an obligatory, “What are you doing now?”); I steadfastly disagree. Finding your calling is more than applying for every Monster job vacancy; it requires a full awareness of your strengths and weaknesses. And, yes, this probing self-exploration requires trial and error — in some cases a lot of it.

But when you discover you calling, the payoff can be immense. A calling provides energy, enjoyment, and purpose to your life’s work; you are richer than any Wall Street paycheck. And as you follow your own North Star, those career bumps and bruises don’t sting as much. Your self-identity, once riddled with uncertainty, slowly stabilizes.

And this is sweeter music than any Dave Matthews Band classic.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/31/the-sweetest-sound/

12 Steps to Successfully Become a Morning Person

Today, only 7% of the younger generation are morning people. This statistic gradually increases as people reach the age of 60. But the truth is, most important activities happen in the morning. Work, school, exercise, and creativity all take a lot of brainpower. It is proven that by going to bed earlier and waking up earlier, you can be more focused and productive.

If you are ready to start your journey to early morning productivity, read these 12 tips!

The Night Before

• Go to bed early. 
  This seems obvious, but it is necessary if you want to get up early. You cannot be a morning person without giving up some late nights. Your body will thank you for the 8 hours.
• Don’t sleep with screens. 
  Put the iPad, TV, and cell phone to sleep before you do. It is better to take a hot bath or read a book so that your body is relaxed and ready for a hard slumber.
• Get organized. 
  It’s hard to sleep when you have a lot on your mind. If you have any thoughts before bed, write them down. Set up your outfit, pack your bag, and plan breakfast for the next day so that you don’t have to think about anything when you’re trying to fall asleep.
• Tranquilize your room. 
  Decorate your room so that it is calm and relaxing. Lavender essential oils, comfy bedding, and dark lighting will help you get a great night’s sleep.
• Identify your reasoning for getting up earlier. 
  What is your motivation for getting up earlier? Is it to get things done before the rest of the household wakes up? Getting to the gym before work? Identify your inspiration and then remind yourself of it every night before you go to bed.
• Set goals. 
  If you have a goal for what you will accomplish during the day, you will be more motivated to wake up.
• Ditch the alcohol. 
  Alcohol disrupts the amount of REM sleep we get in the night time. REM sleep is our deepest form of sleep.

In the Morning

• Turn on the light as soon as your get up. 
  Open your blinds or turn on the light right when you get up. This will signal to your body that it is day time and wake you up quicker.
• Eat a healthy breakfast. 
  Breakfast provides energy that will jumpstart your day. Eat healthy choices like eggs, a smoothie, toast, or fruit. It will help you to crave healthy foods for the rest of the day as well.
• Go gradual. 
  Change your routine by incrementally going to bed and getting up 15 minutes earlier each day.
• Always wake up at the same time. 
  Make your sleeping schedule a routine so that your body can get used to it. If you sleep in until 11am one day, but expect to wake up at 6am the rest of the week, it will get confused. That extra time on the weekends will feel great even if you don’t have to show up to work!
• Plan something for the morning that excites you. 
  Whether it’s coffee, yoga, or putting on your favorite song, remind yourself of that when you wake up. You will be much more enticed to hop out of bed.

Although it is not easy, there are so many reasons to make the transition from a night owl to an early bird. Push through the beginning struggle to live a happier, more motivated lifestyle.

Morning people tend to be:

• Happier
• Proactive
• More likely to stick to a workout schedule
• Have more time to get stuff done
• Energized
• Develop more self discipline
• Less stressed
• More immune to sickness
• & more

Once you start to see the benefits of waking up earlier, it will easily become a habit in your daily routine. You will never want to go back to the days of staying up until 2am just to waste your beautiful morning sleeping!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/31/12-steps-to-successfully-become-a-morning-person/

Letting Go of the Past: Why Memories Remain Painful Over Time

Why memories hurt

When an experience is recorded as a memory, it goes through the emotional and cognitive filters, assumptions and interpretations of the person. This is one of the reasons why different people can have quite different recollections of an event they all witnessed.

As records, memories are not a great problem even if they do not accurately reflect the experience. It is the emotional charge of a memory that makes it so potent. For example, events that do not invoke any particular emotion (passing strangers in the street) do not create significant memories. But if an event involves harm, pain, distress, anger or other strong feelings, the memory and the feelings associated with it will be stored as one.

The emotional charge of a memory comes mostly from the stories we tell ourselves about a difficult experience. One person might say, Well, it happened and although it hurt me, I can’t do much about it now. Better get on with things and deal with the new situation. Another person, on the opposite end of the spectrum, might say, It’s a catastrophe, I’m totally devastated and will never recover from this, ever.

What effect will their memories have on their lives? Neither of the two people will likely forget what happened. But for one person it will be the factual record of a difficult time while for the other it will remain as emotionally charged as the actual experience and keep them trapped in suffering.

Memories are not fixed

Memories are like video and audio recordings that can be modified, enhanced, played louder or softer, rearranged, edited, with special effects added, reissued in new versions. The facts of an event cannot be changed but the emotional charge of a painful memory can be ‘edited’ by facing the emotions associated with it and changing the stories you tell yourself about the event..

Some people need time to get into the right headspace before they can deal with things. Perhaps you have heard someone say, I can’t deal with this right now; or, I am not ready to face it. It is sensible to take charge of your own rate of progress, even it means switching off temporarily.

But when avoidance becomes ingrained and maintained by self-destructive behaviours, the emotional darkness of a memory needs to be transformed. Instead of trying to outrun the memory and its associated pain, a light needs to be shone on it until the emotional charge dissipates and a calmer recollection of the experience is possible.

Disarm painful memories

Be mindful of your inner state as you apply any of the strategies below. Temporary discomfort and distress may be inevitable but usually recedes as you stay with the feeling, experience and acknowledge it rather than fighting or trying to suppress it. However, if you fall into a pit of such despair that it overwhelms your own coping abilities, do not continue. Professional help may be needed.

If you choose to proceed, do so at a time and place that allow privacy without distractions. Some people go to a place of significance in the original painful event that triggers the emotions associated with their memory. Do it your way – whatever that is. Proceed at a pace comfortable to you and take time out from your inner work as needed.

Work with the body.  

In this technique you are not addressing the memory and its emotional charge directly. You work indirectly through the body. The memory will remain but your body’s reaction to the memory can be changed.

Recall the memory. Feel the place in your body where that memory affects you the most. Focus on that part, let it soften and gently breathe into it until the tension or discomfort  recede. When that part feels better, again tune into the memory and find another place where the memory affects your body. Repeat as many times as needed. The process will be complete when you can recall the memory calmly or it now seems far away.

Watch a movie of the event.

This strategy uses imagination and visualization. If you find that difficult, do it in your thoughts. When ready, close your eyes and imagine (think) watching yourself in a movie. See (think) yourself as if performing on a screen, safe and okay in a situation before the traumatic experience. Then start the film of the event as you remember it. See what happened, how you and other people acted and anything else that deeply affected you.

You might cry or feel other intense emotions. Let them be but don’t get drawn into them. Just sit and watch it all unfold on-screen. At the end, imagine (think) the film being rewound at very fast speed to the safe starting point, i.e. return to the situation when you were okay. Let your emotions settle and realize the event has not destroyed everything. You still have a life right now and ahead of you. You may be different to before the experience, but you are okay.

Tell your story.

Journalling, writing a book, giving lectures, presenting workshops can neutralize painful memories and have a cathartic effect in the storyteller’s life.

Final words

There are other ways of working with memories. How have you been able to diminish your painful recollections? Or would one of the above strategies work for you?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/31/letting-go-of-the-past-why-memories-remain-painful-over-time/

Shame: Identify It, Heal It, and Leave It Behind

You don’t have to feel this way forever.

Everyone has experienced shame at some point in their lives. But not everyone is aware that the emotion is there until it creeps up to the surface in the form of panic, anxiety, depression or other negative feelings and behaviors.

Shame can be the hidden flaw you don’t notice until it’s too late.

8 Ways To Release Your Shame — And Make Room For Love

In that moment, you ask yourself: How long has this thing been here? You wonder if anyone saw it — or worse — did people judged you for it? You quickly retrace your steps wondering where and how it happened, all the while wishing you could have prevented the problem in the first place.

Like a stain on your shirt, shame can go unnoticed. And like a stain, how you respond to shame can make or break your chance to save the day. Do you beat yourself up over it, or shrug your shoulders, laugh and love yourself the same?

For some people, self-love is complicated, and even the tiniest mistake can trigger feelings of low self-esteem.

But what if you have carried shame with you your entire life? Can low self-esteem sabotage success, in the fear of being an imposter, poisoned by the shame of feeling like you’ll never be good enough?

Knowing it’s there, and feeling like you can’t get rid of it, may make you feel hopeless. What do you do then?

We asked YT Experts to help us with identifying shame and how to remove even the deepest roots shame grows in a person’s life. Here are three pieces of advice that they offered on how to deal with shame by identifying it, healing it, and moving on to find true happiness:

1. Learn to Trust Your Feelings.

“When you think that you shouldn’t do or say something, especially when it’s not hurtful to you or others, you can ask yourself ‘where did I learn to think like this?’

You may be repeating expectations from society or your past. You can sieve the particles and let go of those that obstruct you from being who you are and want to be.”

– Sarah Bilodeau is a Dramatherapist.

2. Let Go of the Past.

“Shame is a form of self-condemnation and un-forgiveness of yourself. Let’s get it right! The first way to identify, heal, and banish your shame, is to get over people! In a world that condemns, punishes, and yes, promotes shame, this can be hard to do. Think about it: get stop letting others determine your value and worth.

You are human. Everyone has something that they may be ashamed about. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. These are the first things you must do to identify and banish shame.

Secondly, forgive yourself and others that may have been the cause of the shame you are experiencing. You will never rid yourself of the guilt you feel until you learn how to forgive and be forgiven. You are worthy of being loved. Love is unconditional. Love takes no account of a suffered wrong.

If you are struggling with shame, reach out to a trusted and wise counselor. Being able to talk about your situation with someone can help you work through identification of the root cause of the shame so that you can move towards healing.”

– Cheryl Magee is an author, speaker, and Certified Gallup Coach as she leads her company Synergy@Work, LLC. 

The Sneaky Ways Shame Affects Your Happiness

3. Know What to Look for, So You Can Identify Shame When It Comes Up.

“Some of the symptoms shame causes:

• Lack of confidence.
• Inability to have orgasms.
• Fear of embarrassment / failure / rejection.
• Feeling unloved / unsupported / alone.

The unconscious mind links all events, where shame was felt, together. Healing comes when the first event of shame is found, completely examined and turned.

Step 1: Learn everything there is to learn to release all negative emotions connected to that first event.

Step 2: Write down the opposite beliefs that you would like to replace shame with. Step 3: Create a symbol/picture that represents everything learned in step 1 as well as the positive replacement statements written in step 2.

To banish feelings of shame, look at each event you’ve experienced shame THROUGH the symbol/picture created in step 3.”

– Elsa Cronje is a Master NLP Practitioner and Transformation Coach at Take a Leap Coaching. Let her help YOU find your wings and teach you how to fly!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Identify, Heal & Banish Your Deepest Shame.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/30/shame-identify-it-heal-it-and-leave-it-behind/

Our Human Chain

Perhaps you’ve read about the recent uplifting story of a family who became caught in a riptide in Panama City, Florida. Two brothers were struggling approximately 300 feet from shore, and when their mother, grandmother, and others swam out to try to save them, they got caught up in the swirling water as well.

After searching for helpful items such as rope, which was nowhere to be found, some bystanders came up with the idea to create a human chain so they could reach the drowning people. Quickly, 80 people became entwined and, along with a swimmer who used a boogie board and a surfboard to aid those rescued, brought everyone to shore. The grandmother suffered a heart attack while in the water, and at this writing is still hospitalized. Everyone else survived physically unscathed. The consensus is, without the human chain, those caught in the riptide would have died.

Wow. What a story. After I wiped away my tears, I couldn’t help thinking of what a metaphor this event was for what we all need and how we should live our lives.

We need each other. There’s no two ways about it.

I have been a mental health advocate and writer for almost ten years now, and so much of what I’ve researched and learned points to the same conclusion — loneliness, isolation, and a general feeling of not belonging can lead to depression and other illnesses. Those who suffer from brain disorders but feel loved, supported, and connected to others, are more likely to fare better in regards to overall prognosis.

We just can’t do it alone. And we shouldn’t have to.

Think about what happened on that beach. Strangers – 80 of them – doing the right thing. Probably not thinking twice about it. And it wasn’t that difficult because they were all holding on to each other. It wasn’t one person running in and risking his or her life – it was a group of people, holding each other up, and connecting easily to help those who were in danger.

Isn’t this what we should all be doing every day of our lives? Lifting each other up? When someone we care about, or even someone we barely know, is suffering, let’s not turn the other way but rather ask, “Are you okay? What can I do to help you?” It’s easy to do, and it likely matters more than most of us can imagine. And because suffering isn’t always visible, let’s try to give others the benefit of the doubt, and just be kind. Maybe the “rude” cashier at the supermarket just lost her mother to cancer. We just don’t know what is going on in other people’s lives.

After the rescue, all the human chain “links” clapped and cheered. And then they disbanded and continued on with their own lives. I’m not sure why, but this is my favorite part of the story. Perhaps it’s because it shows that helping others (while not always as dramatic as this human chain) doesn’t have to be a big deal and is easy to incorporate into our daily lives. Really, it’s simple. The beachgoers reached out – literally – when needed, did what they needed to do to save those swimmers, and then moved on. Their lives were barely disrupted.

While most of us will never be part of a human chain that rescues a group of people, we can all do our part, in many different ways, to keep each other from drowning.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/30/our-human-chain/

What True Love Looks Like

Every society in the world praises the value of love. Love takes us beyond self-centeredness and motivates us to connect meaningfully with another. Yet, too often, the secular ideal of love emphasizes being loved, or at least on receiving love in reciprocation for the love one gives.

In Hebrew, “the word for love — ahavah — includes the Aramaic word hav, which means ‘Give!’ (And the initial letter alef makes it mean, ‘I will give.’) Loving…is not so much receiving, as giving — oneself, and making sacrifices for others.”

Romantic novels, movies, and fairytales can confuse us about love. They glorify love at first sight, which rarely leads to a fulfilling marriage, because it is usually based on fantasy. Yes, there are couples who fell in love right away, married quickly, and it worked out fine. However, Allison’s experience is more common.

Allison’s Story

Allison, in her mid-twenties, looks like a breezy blond cover girl. She met Jim on a dating site. She was so charmed by him in person that instead of sensibly limiting their first date to not more than a couple of hours, she agreed to an all-day date that included a six hour round trip drive to a  scenic location.  

They left early and returned to her place exhausted around one in the morning. She said he could share her bed but without sex. Their next couple of dates did include sex. Allison was in love — but with a fantasy. He loved recreational sex, not her. Their “relationship” quickly evolved into his texting her when he felt like “hooking-up.”  She was heartbroken.

It hadn’t occurred to Allison to find out before getting intimate physically what kind of relationship Jim was looking for, or to know what kind she wanted, until her disappointment showed her what she didn’t want.  

How Not to Fall Crazy in Love

Many of us can relate to Allison’s story because it’s so easy to fantasize. Do you think it’s natural to fall in love? Why suppress what happens naturally? But if you’re looking for a lasting, fulfilling relationship, why set yourself up for likely disappointment?

Many marriage minded women, like Allison, get involved too quickly. They confuse sex with love. Hormones have a way of doing that. Such women may believe the relationship is serious and then they find out that the man is there for no-strings-attached intimacy. They may continue to repeat their mistake in future relationships and become cynical about men and marriage because it never works out.

A wise woman uses common sense. Before considering becoming physically intimate, she learns what kind of relationship both she and a man want. If he says he hopes to marry, she takes her time to learn if they’re likely to be compatible in the long run, and to see if she likes the real him—his values and interests; and his strengths, weaknesses, endearing and annoying habits.

What True Love Looks Like

Arlyn’s parents showed her what true love looks like. “They were always there for each other,” she says. “What I learned from my dad was to be nice to my mother. When she came downstairs dressed up, but late, to go out with him, he wasn’t critical of her for being late. He’s say, ‘Oh, Mollie, you look lovely.’ He always complimented her.

“Not that they never argued,” she adds. “Sometimes they’d snap at each other. Like when they came home from playing bridge. One might say to the other, ‘I can’t believe you played that card’ But it was always a love story. They knew every relationship has ups and downs but they were always there for each other.”

The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, gave this explanation of love. He said what you read in novels “is not necessarily what happens in real life. It’s not as if two people meet and there is a sudden, blinding storm of passion. That’s not what love or life is, or should be about. Rather, he said, two people meet and there might be a glimmer of understanding, like a tiny flame. An then, as these people decide to build a home together…and go through the everyday activities and daily tribulations of life, this little flame grows even brighter and develops into a much bigger flame until these two people…become intertwined to such a point that neither of them can think of life without the other…” He said, “It’s the small acts that you do on a daily basis that turn two people from a ‘you and I’ into an ‘us.’”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/30/what-true-love-looks-like/

Embracing Your Experiences: Make Some Memories

“Life is a tapestry woven by the decisions we make.” – Sherrilyn Kenyon

We can lament that life is short and be paralyzed with fear over making a mistake, or we can appreciate that we live and breathe today and can embrace life joyfully and with purpose. Acting upon our belief that life is worth living, and living well, we can then recognize that what we do today can both fulfill and sustain us. We must be bold and act without fear, even though we may stumble in some of our endeavors. Through it all, the rich detail of each experience creates memories to cherish and revisit, to share and be inspired by.

What is it about experience that contributes to memories? Are some experiences better than others for making an indelible imprint, a lasting impression? Granted, experience and memory are highly personal and vary from one individual to the next. Two people (or many) sharing the same experience results will have different memories of it. While it can be said that all experience is the foundation of memories, here are some broad categories that rise to the top of memory-producing experiences.

Shaping Experiences

Life growing up is a natural shaping experience. You learn and grow and become wiser for it. Sometimes the process is brutal, even cruel, while at other times the path forward seems to gently unfold without too much difficulty or veering off in the wrong direction. Still, the shaping experiences that most contribute to memories are the ones where you had to endure more than you thought yourself capable of, where you had to keep at it to make it through to the end. Choosing a difficult path, embarking on a seemingly impossible task, taking on more than you should at one time may show you what you’re made of in more ways than the successful completion of any single endeavor. Overcoming a deficit of a dysfunctional family, shepherding siblings where a parent or caregiver is absent, neglectful, addicted or abusive and emerging a caring, generous, loving, resourceful and determined adult is a stellar example of a shaping experience. The memories it creates may be bittersweet, yet they’re an integral part of who you are and what you’re capable of.

Celebratory Experiences

Weddings, birthdays, promotions, baptisms, confirmations, anniversaries, holidays, winning a prize or recognition — the list of celebratory experiences throughout the year and all of life provides endless opportunities for memories. Instead of thinking so hard about what kind of memories will result, live in the moment of the experience. Take it all in, the good and the bad, for life is a mixture of positive and negative, without which neither would be satisfactory.

Challenging Experiences

When you know that you’re in over your head and decide to accept a challenge anyway, this sets the stage for an experience you’re bound to remember. The stronger your motivation to succeed in the challenging experience, the more likely you’ll be to find clever, workable solutions to any problems you encounter along the way. If someone says you can’t succeed and you’re determined anyway to proceed, you’re taking on the challenge. Win or lose, you’re in it for the duration. Lessons learned will prove useful regardless of the outcome. You’ll not only benefit from the experience, you’ll also have added knowledge to call upon in the future.

Experiences Overcoming Hurdles

Not every plan proceeds without obstacles. Some hurdles seem Herculean, while others occur in a drip-drip-drip fashion that produce a cumulative effect bordering on failure, fostering the desire to quit for something easier and more quickly accomplished. The process of overcoming hurdles builds character, encourages innovation, stimulates problem-solving and allows for the acceptance of assistance from others. Such experiences are overflowing with opportunities for memories.

Discovery/Creation Experiences

Embarking on a trip to a foreign land, taking up painting or another creative endeavor, enrolling in a class or learning a skill or trade, even making the decision to take a scenic side trip or alternate route to a destination offer experiences different than what you’re used to, what may be more comfortable or expected. The unknown beckons. It’s human nature to be curious, to want to see where this road leads, to set off on an adventure. Consider that the family vacation is the typical way to explore unknown destinations, yet this metaphor applies to all discovery/creation experiences. Each can contribute to that rich tapestry of life that is rich in memories.

Human Connection Experiences

Perhaps the most intimate and earth-shattering experience of human connection is romantic love. Anyone who’s experienced it can attest to the fact that it’s something you never forget. All the intertwined moments, the anguish of being apart, the exquisite torture of being together in the expression of physical love and emotional closeness make romantic love unforgettable. Yet, other forms of human connection experiences are also the basis for memories. Hanging out with best friends, sharing times with family, working with colleagues, collaborating with classmates, enjoying activities with neighbors, meeting new people and helping others in need create their own kind of memorable human connection experiences, along with memories to cherish and share.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/30/embracing-your-experiences-make-some-memories/

Study: Change Your DNA with Mind-Body Interventions

Meditation, tai chi and yoga — we know how good it feels to practice these and other mind-body traditions. We become more relaxed. More focused. We find ourselves becoming better partners, parents and coworkers. A new study, though, shows just how deeply these mind-body interventions (MBIs) truly work.

The study, published in the journal Frontiers in Immunology, suggests that the behavior of our genes can be changed, benefiting both mental and physical health, when MBIs are used. Researchers at the universities of Coventry and Radboud looked at 18 studies, done over 11 years and covering 846 people, and found patterns in how genes activate to produce proteins.

According to this study, people who practice MBIs such as meditation, yoga and tai chi experience a decrease in the production of NF-kB and cytokines. These are proteins that cause inflammation on the cellular level. This inflammatory response the body has was useful to humans in the past, when stress was short lived and the threat of infection ran high. But today, with stress more of a long-term issue, a pro-inflammatory gene response can linger, causing psychiatric problems such as depression, and medical issues such as cancer, say the researchers.

“Millions of people around the world already enjoy the health benefits of mind-body interventions like yoga or meditation, but what they perhaps don’t realize is that these benefits begin at a molecular level and can change the way our genetic code goes about its business,” wrote the study’s lead investigator, Ivana Buric, a Ph.D. student in the Brain, Belief and Behavior Lab at Coventry University.

The researchers say that more will need to be done to understand the effects of MBIs in greater detail. For example, how do the benefits of yoga compare with other healthy interventions like taking up a walking program, or eating fruits and vegetables? “But,” she noted in the journal, “This is an important foundation to build on to help future researchers explore the benefits of increasingly popular mind-body activities.”

The next time you do your practice, take pride knowing you are helping your body stay healthy on the very deepest levels.

This article courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/29/study-change-your-dna-with-mind-body-interventions/

Using Technology to Help Us Practice Mindfulness

Often we think that technology and mindfulness are opposites. We think they’re at odds. When we think about practicing mindfulness or meditation, we think about putting away our phones. We think about turning off the TV. We think about shutting down all our devices. We think about digital detoxes.

But technology and mindfulness actually aren’t so incompatible. Even more, we can use technology to help us practice mindfulness.

In fact, we can think of mindfulness as technology. According to Rohan Gunatillake in his powerful, practical book Modern Mindfulness: How to Be More Relaxed, Focused, and Kind While Living in a Fast, Digital, Always-On World, “If technology is a set of tools and methods employed to solve certain problems or achieve certain objectives, then meditation is absolutely that.”

The key difference, he writes, is that meditation works mainly on inner objectives. It helps us develop self-awareness, patience and openness. Which is vital for everything from not becoming overwhelmed to being more human, writes Gunatillake, who’s the founder of Mindfulness Everywhere, a creative studio that combines meditation, technology and design.

The reality is that we are surrounded by technology. It’s part of our everyday. For most of us it’s how we work and play. While taking digital detoxes is important, applying awareness to whatever we’re doing, wherever we are, is vital, too (and liberating). Which is what Gunatillake’s wonderful book is all about. As he writes, “At [the book’s] heart is a fresh, new perspective of mobile mindfulness that meets us where we are, and embraces the realities of our modern lives, charger cables and all.”

Below are five ways we can use technology to practice mindfulness from Gunatillake’s book.

Bring awareness to your body—and your phone. I’ve joked that my computer is another appendage. You probably feel the same way about your smartphone. After all, we keep these devices so close to us, and check them so regularly that they feel like extensions of our bodies.

Well, you can use this idea to practice mindfulness. “The average person checks their phone up to a hundred times a day,” Gunatillake writes. “That is a hundred opportunities to be aware of our body.”

The next time you pick up your phone, pay attention to the physical experience of doing so. What is it like to hold your phone? What different textures make up your phone? What do the buttons feel like? What is the temperature? How does the touchscreen feel?

Pay attention to a podcast. Pick a favorite podcast to listen to, which lasts about 15 to 20 minutes. Use headphones. Sit in a chair or on the floor in meditation posture. Start the podcast, and listen as closely as you can. When you get distracted, bring your attention back to the podcast. If you miss the content, rewind and listen again.

According to Gunatillake, this not only helps you train your concentration but it also helps you practice your posture. When you’re ready, you can increase your podcast-listening time to 30 to 45 minutes. Or you can listen to a 15-minute podcast, and spend the rest of the time sitting in silence.

Watch yourself surf the web. “The internet is full of things that get us going, creating reactions that run the full range of the emotional spectrum,” Gunatillake writes. This is a good opportunity to pay attention to these reactions (instead of getting entangled with our emotions).

“Pay attention to how your body and mind react when you come across your favorite websites. Notice how you get drawn into some stories and pictures and not into others. Watch how boredom arises as you read an article and start looking for something else. Watch your heart open when you come across an uplifting story…” Gunatillake writes.

Notice your checking and scrolling. First, notice when you’re reaching for your phone, starting to scroll social media or thinking about checking your inbox. In other words, become aware of yourself checking your device. Then notice if any emotions precede the movement. For instance, Gunatillake noticed that he’d check his phone whenever he felt bored or lonely.

“When you are able to notice that snippet of emotion and leave it as it is, just by having that level of awareness in that moment can cut out the habit of constant checking,” Gunatillake writes. “This starts to short-circuit the need to fix the boredom or loneliness and you are able to let it fizzle itself out.”

Watch the TV. That is, instead of focusing on the content—the show, the movie—focus on the actual screen: “the frame, the reflection, the edges.” Keep switching from watching the content to watching the screen. And notice how each type of attention is different.

According to Gunatillake, “This may seem like a funny little mindfulness game but it is surprisingly close to deep insight techniques where instead of the screen of the TV we start to pay attention to the screen of our actual awareness.”

Today, we tend to view technology as an obstacle to being mindful. And sometimes it absolutely is. But it doesn’t have to be. It doesn’t have to be “either, or.” It can be “both, and.” We can use technology to pay attention to our surroundings, to really look, to really listen to our everyday. And, ultimately, we can use technology to reconnect. To ourselves.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/29/using-technology-to-help-us-practice-mindfulness/

Psychology Around the Net: July 29, 2017

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

This week’s Psychology Around the Net takes a look at the benefits of accepting our darker emotions, how dangerous false memories are in the criminal justice system, how there actually is some instant gratification to exercising, and more.

Accepting Your Darkest Emotions Is the Key to Psychological Health: Although we seem to be in an age of pro-positivity, no matter what, some psychological studies show accepting negative emotions is a better path to take if you want to regain and maintain your peace of mind, develop stronger emotional resilience, and experience fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression.

The 10 Best U.S. Colleges for a Major in Psychology: USA Today College rounded up the top colleges for students pursuing a psychology degree.

False Memories and False Confessions: The Psychology of Imagined Crimes: Julia Shaw is a criminal psychologist at London South Bank University who’s tackling failures of the criminal justice system with her knowledge of false memories. Says Shaw, “In everyday situations we don’t really notice or care that they’re happening. We call them mistakes, or say we misremember things,” and when it comes to the criminal justice system, those false memories can have devastating consequences.

Psychiatry Group Says Members Can Comment on Trump’s Mental Health: At first it was unethical, but now it’s OK according to the American Psychoanalytic Association. The Association’s executive committee sent an email to it’s roughly 3,500 members letting them know they can speak openly about President Trump’s mental health. According to Dr. Prudence Gourguechon, one of the American Psychoanalytic Association’s former presidents, “We don’t want to prohibit our members from using their knowledge responsibly,” responsibility Gourguechon says is especially important these days because “Trump’s behavior is so different from anything we’ve seen before” in a president.

Being Too Busy for Friends Won’t Help Your Career: Friends are critical to our psychological and physical well-being, but many of us skip fostering social lives in favor of climbing our career ladders. However, psychological research shows that as they get older, adults tend to rank matters related to friends, family, and romantic relationships as more important regrets than those related to their careers.

Just A Small Amount Of Exercise Can Improve Body Image: Most of us want instant gratification, but alas, the physical benefits of working out take time. However, a recent study involving 75 college-aged women shows that just a half hour of exercising can improve body image, helping them feel stronger and slimmer at least 20 minutes after the workout.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/29/psychology-around-the-net-july-29-2017/

My Health Above All Else!

Life is all about balance and as a person with bipolar disorder it is not something I am good at. I struggle finding the balance in my life whether it be with my personal relationships or my work life. I struggle, more than the normal person would but that’s because guess what? I am not normal. Let me say that again in case I didn’t make it clear enough. I am not normal! And guess what? I am okay with that. In fact, it is something I have learned to love about myself. My individuality has come to be something I cherish about who I am.

God broke the mold the day he made me.

One of my good friends of about 15 years said the other day on Facebook that God broke the mold the day he made me. Where I don’t know about my whole belief in the whole “God” thing I totally appreciate the fact that what my dear friend Rhonda meant was there is no one else in the world like me. She went on to say that she was glad to call me her forever friend. I know right how lucky can one girl be to have friends who know you are one of a kind.

I joke and say I am the one you have to apologize for before you introduce them but my true friends say that is what is so fun about me. Watching what comes out of my mouth, because you just never do know. I am very unpredictable at times I admit. Being bipolar I normally say what is on my mind, what I am thinking and normally not all of it should be said. Some of what I say should be kept to myself but I don’t have the ability to do so. I am so honest that I don’t know how to not say certain things, sometimes I wish I did. There is no filter to me I just can’t help myself.

I have this obsessive need to be liked by everyone.

I have often gotten myself into a lot of terrible pickles because of the things I have said. Sometimes I say things that may not be so nice in order to make someone feel better about themselves or in order to make them like me more. I have this obsessive need to be liked by everyone and will go to great lengths to be liked by almost anyone. Normally this doesn’t work out in my favor. I try hard not to talk badly of others but I have found that if I am around others who are bipolar and have a negative outlook or are a gossiper I will tend to also do the same. I sometimes have to remember I can’t allow myself to hang around those people with this type of personality and since I do know that I will go into that sort of behavior when I am around those types of people I don’t think of myself as a person who is in the wrong when I cut these people out of my life. I consider myself smart. I think to know yourself well enough to be mindful of the personalities that don’t blend well with your own is a wonderful thing and if others can’t respect that then it becomes their issue and not your issue.

I believe this is a form of protecting myself

I believe this is a form of protecting myself. I have a lot of friends who love me and know the great person I am and unfortunately every now and then there are people who come into your life and you start to have a mood shift or swing if you will. Then when you do and have to reevaluate the situation and do what is right for you and the others in your life they may make you feel as if you are doing something wrong. Remember you are taking care of you, and when you have bipolar disorder sometimes putting yourself first is a form of self-care.

We all know that self-care is highly over looked and not done often enough. I have to remember it is in mine and my family’s best interest to take care of my health above all else.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/28/my-health-above-all-else/

How to Recognize Your Possibilities — Especially When You Are Stuck

“We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

When problems arise, don’t you often think about first is that you can’t get past them? Then follows circuitous thinking fueled by becoming so consumed and distracted by the problem or issue that thinking about anything gets fuzzy. Solutions seem distant, if even possible. You are tempted to give up, to go on to something else, to bury yourself in some mindless task or numb out with a substance or behavior of choice (cocktails, pills, marijuana or other illicit drugs, cigarettes, shopping, gambling, etc.). But guess what happens after the substance wears off or the behavior must cease (you need to sleep, eat, go to work or school and so on)? The problems are still there. You haven’t done anything to get past them. You are stuck.

How about considering alternatives to this experience of being frozen, mired in the problem, unable to get past the difficulty? There are, in fact, endless possibilities available to each one of us. All we need do is believe that they are there and allow space for them to conceptualize in our minds and come forth as a cogent and cohesive thought.

This takes some time and practice which, for many, can be a formidable undertaking. When you find yourself thinking that this is it, there are no other possibilities, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you’ve been here before facing other difficult tasks and challenges and somehow managed to rise above them and find workable solutions. Believe in your own creative abilities to sort through available options and find what works. You will eventually get there.

Here is a simple scenario to show how this might play out. Suppose you find yourself in a dead-end job. You feel overworked, unappreciated and bitter about your lack of advancement. It doesn’t appear to you that you have any alternatives because you have continuing financial and family obligations: you’re responsible for paying the mortgage or rent payment, putting food on the table for the family and tending to numerous other household responsibilities that require you to have gainful employment. While you can’t do anything about your current position, you can begin preparing yourself to find something else. Just be sure to do this in your off-time. When you are at work, take care of your primary responsibilities to do your job.

Once you’ve made the decision to look for something else, a great weight will lift from your shoulders. You now have options – even though you haven’t yet found something to replace your current job. While you are conducting your search, polish your resume or create a new one if your current one is woefully out of date. Network with friends. Participate in job fairs. Enroll in training or go back for a degree. Be active in scouring job listings. Hire a recruiter. See? You have options.

Suppose, however, that the reason you can’t see a way out of your problems, can’t envision possibilities, is rooted in a dysfunctional upbringing. If you were constantly berated by your parents, bullied, teased, told you were stupid, incompetent, dull, untrustworthy, would never succeed at anything, it’s likely you currently experience low self-esteem. Coming back from this emotional deficit is difficult and time-consuming, yet it can be done. Often, however, continuing therapy from a psychotherapist or psychologist is the only way to overcome low self-esteem. A keen sense of your abilities and rebuilding self-confidence takes time and practice, along with someone who’s impartial, encouraging and supportive, and able to offer sound advice. Why do you need this? It’s particularly tough to see what you’re good at if you’ve never believed in your own strengths and talents. An objective outsider – a trained professional – can help you uncover these innate gifts, as well as guide you to discovering ways to build upon them.

These techniques will give you hope and you will be amazed at the opportunities – also known as possibilities – that you will find. To see them, however, to be able to recognize they’re there, you must acknowledge their presence. Then let the beauty of possibilities begin to unfold and make your choices according to what resonates best with you.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/28/how-to-recognize-your-possibilities-especially-when-you-are-stuck/

8 Foods that Boost Your Mood

What we eat might not be able to cure us indefinitely from depression. I learned that hard lesson earlier this year. However, researchers are compiling strong evidence that what we eat can influence our risk for developing depression and can keep persons in remission from possibly relapsing.

Eating better foods has certainly helped my mood and allowed me to get by on less medication. A 2014 review published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition examined the link between diet and depression risk and found that a diet consisting mainly of fruit, vegetables, fish, and whole grains was significantly associated with a reduced risk of depression.¹ There are certain foods that are especially good for augmenting mood. Here are eight of them.

1. Fish

Oily, fatty fish like salmon, tuna, and sardines are great sources of omega-3 fatty acids, which enhance aspects of brain function, including mood, and can protect against depression. In a large Norwegian study of 22,000 people, participants who took cod liver oil were 30 percent less likely to have symptoms of depression than the participants who did not take omega-3 fatty acids.² Our brains are mostly fat, so we need enough omega fatty acids for optimal growth, development, and function of brain tissue. When the brain doesn’t have enough omega fatty acids, the structure of brain cell membranes and nerve connections are inferior, which leads to cognitive and emotional disorders.

2. Nuts

Nuts are loaded with important minerals that aid mental health such as selenium, copper, magnesium, manganese, and zinc. Walnuts are one of the richest plant-based sources of omega-3 fatty acids. They also help replace B vitamins, critical for mood. Brazil nuts have lots of magnesium, which helps calm the nerves, as well as zinc, an antidepressant element that combats anxiety. Almonds are very good sources of manganese and copper, two trace minerals that defuse free radicals produced within the mitochondria, the “powerhouse of the cell,” protecting us against disease and providing us with energy.

3. Yogurt

All dairy can be beneficial for depression because milk, cheese, etc. are rich in calcium, vitamin D, and specific peptides that promote relaxation. However, yogurt is especially beneficial because of its probiotics. In a 2013 study by UCLA researchers, participants who ate yogurt twice daily for a month showed lower levels of activity in the areas of the brain associated with pain and emotion and more increased activity in areas associated with decision making.³

I find the brain-gut connection fascinating. The 100 trillion bacteria housed in our gut, known collectively as our microbiome, can play an important role in our mental health. John F. Cryan, Ph.D. of University College Cork in Ireland, has conducted several studies that show that when the microbiome of mice is disrupted, they mimic human anxiety and depression.⁴ I drink Kefir every morning, which contains many probiotics, and I do think it has improved my mood.

4. Dark Leafy Greens

“Greens are the primary found group that matches human nutritional needs most completely,” explains Victoria Boutenko in her book Green for Life. They are nutrition powerhouses, packed with vitamins A, C, E, K, and folate; minerals like iron and calcium; carotenoids; antioxidants; omega-3s; and phytochemicals. Greens provide insoluble fiber, which is like a miraculous sponge, helping us to eliminate pounds of toxins regularly. They balance our pH levels, leaving our body more alkaline, and are a major source of chlorophyll, which, according to Boutenko, “heals and cleanses all our organs, and even destroys many of our internal enemies, like pathogenic bacteria, fungi, cancer cells, and many others.”

Dark leafy greens like kale, Swiss chard, and spinach also fight against all kinds of inflammation, and according to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry, severe depression has been linked with brain inflammation.⁵

5. Seeds

Seeds are some of Mother Nature’s best mood boosters. For example, pumpkin seeds are chock-full of zinc (containing 23 percent of our daily recommended value in just one once), which promotes emotional resilience because zinc deficiencies have been shown to be a factor underlying depression.⁶ They are also rich in magnesium, the calming nutrient known as the “original chill pill.”

Sunflower seeds are nutrient-dense foods, as well. They also contain lots of magnesium — a quarter cup provides 25 percent of the recommended daily value — and the specific kind of magnesium (magnesium sulfate) found in sunflower seeds has been known to have beneficial effects on patients with depression dating back 100 years. ⁷

In his bestseller The End of Dieting, Joel Fuhrman, MD, includes seeds among his G-BOMBS (Greens, Beans, Onions, Mushrooms, Berries, Seeds) — the foods with the most powerful immune-boosting and anticancer effect.

6. Green Tea

Green tea has been used for centuries by the Chinese and Japanese to promote digestion, regulate blood sugar, and for relaxation and mood benefits. It contains an amino acid, theanine, that calms the nervous system. A study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition showed that people who drink at least five cups or more of green tea daily experience less psychological distress.⁸

In another study published in 2011 of Phytotherapy, researchers reported the antidepressant effect of L-theanine in mice undergoing a forced swim test and tail suspension test. The antidepressant effect “may be mediated by the central neurotransmitter system,” says the abstract.⁹

7. Eggs

In her book Gut and Psychology Syndrome, Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride, MD, writes, “Eggs are one of the most nourishing and easy-to-digest foods on this planet. Raw egg yolk has been compared with human breast milk because it can be absorbed almost 100 percent without needing digestion.” Eggs are loaded with essential amino acids, omega-3 fatty acids, vitamins (A, D, biotin), as well as minerals like zinc and magnesium that help anxiety. They are a great source of B vitamins, especially vitamin B-12, which promotes development of the nervous system. Eggs also contain choline, an amino acid that serves as a building block for a neurotransmitter called acethylcholin, which aids cognitive and learning processes. Because they are high in protein, they stabilize blood sugar, which is critical for good mood, and keep you satiated longer.

8. Dark Chocolate

In a 2013 randomized, double-blind study published in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, researchers found that participants who consumed a dark chocolate drink mix for 30 days had “significantly increased self-rated calmness and contentedness relative to placebo.”¹⁰ In another 2009 study published in the Journal of Proteome Research, dark chocolate was found to reduce the stress hormone cortisol and help normalize stress-related differences in energy metabolism and gut microbial activities.

Dark chocolate contains large amounts of tryptophan, an amino acid that works as a precursor to serotonin, and theobromine, another mood-elevating compound.¹¹ It also has one of the highest concentrations in magnesium in a food, with one square providing 327 milligrams, or 82 percent of your daily value. The higher percentage of cocoa, the better. Aim for at least 70 percent.

References:

1. Lai, J. S., Hiles, S., Bisquera, A., Hure, A. J., McEvoy, M., & Attia, J. (2014) A systematic review and meta-analysis of dietary patterns and depression in community-dwelling adults. American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 99(1), 181-197. doi: 10.3945/ajcn.113.069880
2. Raeder, M. B., Steen, V. M., Vollset, S. E., Bjelland, I. (2001). Associations between cod liver oil use and symptoms of depression: the Hordaland Health Study. Journal of Affective Disorders, 101 (1-3), 245-249. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2006.11.006
3. K. Tillisch, J. Labus, L. Kilpatrick, Z. Jiang, J. Stains, B. Ebrat, et al. Consumption of fermented milk product with probiotic modulates brain activity Gastroenterology, 144 (2013), pp. 1394–1401 401 e1-4
4. Mayer, E. A., Knight, R., Mazmanian, S. K., Cryan, J. F. & Tillisch, K. Gut microbes and the brain: paradigm shift in neuroscience. J. Neurosci. 34, 15490–15496 (2014).
5. Setiawan, E., Wilson, A. A., Mizrahi, R., Rusjan, P. M., Miler L., Rajkowska, G., Suridjan, I., Kennedy, J. L., Rekkas, P. V., Houle, S., Meyer, J. H. (2015) Role of translocator protein density, a marker of neuroinflammation, in the brain during major depressive episodes. JAMA Psychiatry 72, 268–275.
6. Grønli, O., Kvamme, J. M., Friborg, O., Wynn, R. (2013). Zinc Deficiency Is Common in Several Psychiatric Disorders. PLoS One, 8 (12). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3868572/
7. Serefko A, Szopa A, Poleszak E. (2016) Magnesium and depression. Pharmacological Reports, 29(3),112-119.
8. Hozawa, A., Kuriyama, S., Nakaya, N., Ohmori-Matsuda, K., Kakizaki, M., Sone, T., Nagai, M., Sugawara, Y., Nitta, A., & Tomata, Y. (2009) Green tea consumption is associated with lower psychological distress in a general population. American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 90(5): 1390-1396. doi: 10.3945/ajcn.2009.28214.
9. Yin, C., Liu, Y., Yin, X., Xhang, L., Jia, G., Zhuang, X. (2011). Antidepressant-like effects of L-theanine in the forced–swim and tail suspension tests in mice. Phytother Res, 25, 1636–9.
10. Pase, M.P., Scholey, A.B., Pipingas, A., Kras, M., Nolidin, K., Gibbs, A., Wesnes, K., Stough, C. (2013) Cocoa polyphenols enhance positive mood states but not cognitive performance: a randomized, placebo-controlled trial. Journal of Psychopharmacology, 27, 451-458. http://dx.doi.org/10.1177/0269881112473791
11. Judelson, D.A., Preston, A.G., Miller, D.L., Muñoz, C.X., Kellogg, M.D., Lieberman, H.R. (2013). Effects of theobromine and caffeine on mood and vigilance. Journal of Clinical Psychopharmacology, 33, 499–506.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/28/8-foods-that-boost-your-mood/

Best of Our Blogs: July 28, 2017

There will come a time when your parents, friends, and even your partner will disappoint you.

We can’t stop people from saying the “wrong” thing to us.

We can’t force them to always being there for us.

We can’t protect our heart so we don’t feel the pain of hurt and rejection.

There is another way.

When a narcissist hurts you or when you’re self-critical, choose to be there for yourself. You may give yourself a pat on the shoulder. You may shower yourself with kind and compassionate words. You may be good to yourself by feeding your body healthy and nourishing foods.

While we cannot control other people and their actions, we can do a lot of good by supporting ourselves.

10 Lies Narcissists Say about Love
(The Exhausted Woman) – If your partner has said any of the following, there’s a good chance you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.

The Origins of Perfectionism—and 4 Tips to Manage It
(Psychology of Self) – You developed perfectionistic skills to survive your childhood. But as an adult it’s having a negative impact on your life. Here’s how you can begin to work through it.

The Diet for Depression
(NLP Discoveries) – This exciting study finds your diet can reduce symptoms of depression.

CBT Technique: Using the Triple Column Technique to Change Your Thoughts To Change Your Life!
(Psychoeducation in Psychotherapy) – Struggle with negative thinking? It’s the homework assignment that could change your life.

Childhood Sexual Shame and its Effect on Your Adult Sexuality
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – Could your difficulty with sexuality have to do with childhood shame?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/28/best-of-our-blogs-july-28-2017/

7 Ways to Extinguish Gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” has been coined from a 1944 movie in which a husband who is trying to steal his wife’s inheritance convinces her that she is imagining things when she starts to notice odd and furtive behavior on his part. Their gas lights flicker whenever he is in the attic, searching for jewels he thinks are hidden there. He convinces her that she’s imagining things. Gradually, his lies and manipulation make her, and other people, question her sanity. Gaslighting has become a useful term for what goes on in some emotionally abusive relationships.

When gaslighting, the abuser finds a way to make the victim think she or he is “crazy” by steadily questioning their perception of reality. It only works because the abuser also knows how to appear like a friendly, even loving, concerned friend, lover or work supervisor at least some of the time. The victim can’t believe that someone who loves or cares for them would purposefully and systematically try to hurt them.

It’s important to remember that not all disagreements or differences in perception are evidence of “gaslighting”. Memory is a funny thing. It’s not like a movie. Often our memories are influenced by current issues or assumptions, by faulty information, or by miscommunication. That’s why eye-witness accounts of the same event by different people are sometimes so contradictory. All relationships sometimes have moments where one person’s memory of an event is at odds with the other’s. That’s not gaslighting.

Gaslighting refers to a pattern of undermining behavior by the abuser. The abuser regularly calls the victim’s perception of their reality into question. He or she is usually a talented manipulator of language, twisting any problem between them into being the victim’s fault or accusing the victim of being “too sensitive” or, ironically, manipulative. Often this is coupled with non-verbal dismissive behavior (eye-rolling, an exasperated sigh, a look of disbelief, etc.) that implies that the victim is stupid or irrational. Intermittent or simultaneous expressions of love, friendship and/or concern throw the victim into confusion.

It is the persistent pattern of this behavior that is so damaging. It can be so gradual and insidious that the victim doesn’t realize it’s happening unless and until there is a crisis of some kind. Over time, the victim begins to question his or her own intelligence, accuracy of recall, or even sanity.

Make no mistake. Gaslighting is not about love or concern. It’s about power and control. A gaslighter is someone who needs to feel superior and who manipulates people to further their own agendas.

How to extinguish gaslighting:

1. Recognize the pattern of undermining behavior. Gaslighting only works when a victim isn’t aware of what’s going on. Once you become alert to the pattern, it will not affect you as much. You may be able to say to yourself, “Here we go again” and shrug it off.
2. Keep in mind that the gaslighting isn’t about you. It’s about the gaslighter’s need for control and power. Often the gaslighter is a very insecure human being. In order to feel “equal”, they need to feel superior. In order to feel safe, they need to feel they have the upper hand. They have few other coping skills or other ways to negotiate differences. That doesn’t excuse the behavior. But knowing that may help you take it less personally while you decide whether to maintain the relationship.
3. Be aware that you are unlikely to be able to change the gaslighter – at least on your own. Gaslighting behavior is the only way gaslighters know to manage their world. For that reason, they are not likely to respond to rational appeals to change. It usually requires intensive therapy, done willingly, for a gaslighter to give it up.
4.  Rethink whether the relationship is worth putting up with the constant attempts to chip away at your self-esteem. If the gaslighter is your boss or supervisor, start looking for another job. If the person is a family member or friend, consider how to put some distance between you. If it’s a significant other and you want to preserve the relationship, you will probably need to insist on couple’s counseling.
5. Develop your own support system. You need other people in your life who can confirm your reality and worth. Gaslighters often try to isolate their victims in order to stay in control. They often further manipulate their victims by repeatedly telling them that they are the only person who really loves and understands them. Don’t buy it. Spend time with friends and family. Check out your perceptions by talking to other people who witnessed what the gaslighter is calling into question.
6.  Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Remind yourself that you are a loveable and capable person, regardless of the opinion of the gaslighter. Help yourself regain perspective by reminding yourself of other times in your life when you have felt grounded, sane, and generally good about yourself. It may be helpful to keep a private journal in which you document events that the gaslighter is likely to contest.  Record positive experiences and affirmations of your own worth as well.
7. Get professional help if you need it. Victims  often lose confidence in their own thoughts and feelings and find themselves nervously double-checking themselves on a regular basis. Sometimes they sink into the depressive feelings of being helpless and hopeless. If you recognize yourself in this paragraph, you will probably need professional help to dig your way back out of the devastating effects of gaslighting. A therapist can offer you practical advice and support to help you recover.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/27/7-ways-to-extinguish-gaslighting/

How Twitter Tamed My Anxiety

I’m sure a lot of you reading this are having a difficult time believing that Twitter could help decrease anxiety. I wouldn’t have believed it before I tweeted myself. In fact, the only reason I ventured into Twitter territory was because a social media expert at a writer’s conference highly recommended it, saying it was “a virtual cocktail party for writers.” With shaky hands — literally — I created my Twitter account that very day.

Five years have gone by since that first login. During this time, I’ve connected with Twitter folk from all over the world, people who are passionate about many of the same topics I am, including the arts, civil rights, and, of course, mental health issues. When I read about other people’s journeys through anxiety and depression, I became less isolated. And, may I add, less ashamed as well.

In the past, I hid my anxiety from all but my closest friends and family. My thoughts swirling with irrational fear, I tried everything from therapy to meditation. Nothing assuaged my constant apprehension. Having bought our culture’s pervasive notion that it was “mind over matter,” I felt as if I had failed, as if I were too weak to confront the very thing I needed to conquer. Yet Twitter showed me just how strong, successful, and empathetic fellow anxiety warriors can be.

Alongside the slow but steady healing that occurred when writing my debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” the world of hashtags (#) opened a window onto other people’s lives that inspired me as well as helped me to inspire others. I learned to search almost anything with a # before it (such as #Anxiety), and there I was! Day or night, I can click into ongoing conversations where there are people who are experiencing similar issues, who understand, who want to help — and who want to be helped. And… people who are brave enough to share their emotional struggles with a global community (#MentalIllnessTaughtMe).

Of course, we have all heard about (and some of us have experienced) the downside of social media use, including online bullying and the warty troll who can pop its ugly head up from time to time. Depending on how these issues are affecting the user, actions may include blocking certain accounts, taking a social media break, or even working with a counselor. As counter-intuitive as this may seem, learning how to ignore less-than-supportive comments can actually help empower people living with anxiety deal more productively — and less reactively — with those less-than-nice people they may encounter in real life.

Current research backs up the positive aspects of social media use in regard to mental health and anxiety. An article in the News Corp Australian Network, January 5, 2017 cites a study conducted by the University of Melbourne, concluding that social media use can help people suffering from anxiety. According to this article, a senior lecturer in psychology, Dr. Peggy Kern, told ABC TV that over 70 studies on the subject have shown that for some people, social media use was very beneficial, as it helped people to feel more socially connected to others. She also added that “those with social anxiety actually seemed to benefit from being able to connect in a way that is less anxiety-provoking.”

A 2016 article by Samantha Cowan titled “Why Twitter Is a Great Place to Talk About Mental Illness” in TakePart (a digital news and lifestyle magazine from Participant Media, the company behind acclaimed documentaries such as An Inconvenient Truth) points out that “Talking about mental health online is especially popular with young people, who might struggle to talk to their families or seek out mental health professionals.” This piece also states that founder, Jenny Jaffe, and social media manager Jose Rivera Jr. of Project UROK (an organization that works to end the stigma of mental illness), feel that “more often than not” tweets regarding mental health issues are “supportive, helpful and empowering.”

I often think about the phrase “The Kindness of Strangers” when I engage with another thoughtful follower. Although the average person is surrounded by neighbors, coworkers, family, and friends, sometimes it’s that online person you’ll never even meet who can “get” you, uplift, and soothe your weary soul at the very moment you need it the most.

What a gift, too, to be a part of a movement that is working to end the stigma of mental illness (#endthestigma). So, yes in my opinion—as well as I bet millions of others — Twitter is a place that can empower, motivate, and heal. Who would have thought all of that could happen in 140 characters!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/27/how-twitter-tamed-my-anxiety/

Podcast: Sleep: Are You Doing It Wrong?

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe Howard and Vincent M. Wales examine the many aspects of sleep. It’s a state in which we spend a third of our lives, but many of us have poor sleeping habits. In this episode, you will learn about the amount of sleep we need, which varies with age; the effects of not getting enough of it, both on your physical and mental health; and an explanation of proper sleep hygiene and why it’s important. This episode of The Psych Central Show was produced for a Facebook Live event and the video of the podcast recording can be seen here.

Show Highlights:

[0:39]         How much sleep do we need, anyway?

[1:34]         The results of insufficient sleep.

[3:04]         How insufficient sleep affects our mental health.

[7:12]         What sleep deprivation can do to your physical health.

[8:48]         What is sleep hygiene and why is it so important?

[16:59]       A few words about sleep disorders.

Listen as Our Hosts Talk About the Importance of Sleep

“Right before bed is not the time to talk about your in-laws. You will not fall asleep. Especially when you’re being kicked.” ~ Gabe Howard

Proud Sponsor of The Psych Central Show

 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/27/podcast-sleep-are-you-doing-it-wrong/

The Feeling that You Are “Not Enough”

Mike believed he had a good life and felt lucky for all the things he had. He was married to a loving wife, had a good job, owned a nice house, and had 3 healthy kids.

Despite all his good fortune, Mike could not shake the nagging feeling that he wasn’t enough. “I should be more successful. I should make more money. I should be where my boss is. I should have a graduate degree. I should have a bigger house. I should have more friends.” These were some of the “shoulds” that plagued him on a daily basis.

“Could I get you curious about this part of you that feels inadequate?” I asked Mike at our initial meeting. After he consented, I suggested, “Let yourself travel back in time… back and… back and… back. How old were you when you first felt not enough?” I asked him.

He paused to reflect, “It’s definitely been with me a long time,” He said. “Maybe 6 or 8 years old? Around there.” 

Mike’s father became extremely successful when Mike was 6 years old. Because of his father’s new job, his family moved to an exotic country where they didn’t speak English. Mike was scared and felt like a stranger. Even though he attended an international school, he had no friends for a long time. His parents pushed him hard. They meant well and were trying to encourage him. But feeling scared and overwhelmed by the many changes in his life, he misinterpreted their words as disappointment that he wasn’t enough — it was the familiar feeling he still had today.

We are not born feeling inadequate. Life experiences and emotions create that sense within us in a variety of creative ways. For example, when we were little and we felt afraid or anxious, our mind told us something was wrong with us, not with our environment. That’s why children who were abused or neglected grow up to be adults who carry so much shame. A child’s mind, not yet rational, concludes, “There must be something wrong with me if I feel so bad” or “I must be bad if I’m being treated badly.” 

As adults, armed with education on emotions and how childhood adversity affects the brain, we can understand that feeling not enough is a byproduct of an environment that was insufficient. We are in fact enough! Yet to feel more solid in our Self, we must work to transform the not enough feeling. 

One way to transform old beliefs is to work with them as separate child parts. With some mental energy, we can externalize ailing parts of us and then relate to them in healing ways.

For example, I asked Mike, “Can you imagine that your 6-year old self, who feels not enough, is sitting on my sofa over there so we can be with him and try to help? 

I paused while Mike exerted the mental energy it took to visualize his child part with some distance, “What does that 6-year-old part of you look like? What do you see him wearing? Where do you see him? Is he in a specific memory?” I asked.

With practice, Mike learned to connect and communicate to that part of himself. Mike learned to listen to that little boy inside. Offering it compassion helped him feel much better, even though he had struggled with the concept initially. 

I also suggested to Mike that feeling not enough might be a defense against his deeper emotions towards others who had hurt him or not been there for him when he needed support. Thinking about The Change Triangle, we slowed down to notice his feelings towards himself and his parents. Without judging his core emotions as right or wrong, he accepted that he was angry at his father for uprooting him, a move that had cost him his confidence. 

Since emotions are physical sensations, another way to work with wounded parts is through the body. Mike learned to recognize how not enough felt physically. “It is like an emptiness — like a hole inside. I know I have been successful at times and I believe my family loves me. Emotionally, it doesn’t feel that way at all.  Good stuff comes in but it goes right through me like a bucket with a hole. I’m never filled.”

To help patch the hole in his bucket, I also helped Mike develop his capacity to hold onto good feelings by noticing them. “If you validate your accomplishments what does that feel like inside?” 

“I feel taller,” said Mike. 

“Can you stay with the feeling of being taller for just 10 seconds?”  I asked.

Like a form of training, he built his capacity to experience positive feelings. Going slowly, we practiced noticing sensations associated with pride, love, gratitude, and joy, getting used to them a little at a time.

What else can Mike and all of us do in the short run to help the parts of us that feel not enough?

• We can remind our self again and again that the feeling of not enough was learned. It’s not objective fact, even when it feels so viscerally true.
• We can connect to that part of us that feels bad and offer it compassion, like we would do for our child, partner, colleague, friend, or pet.
• We can stand in a power pose 2-3 times daily to feel stronger and more confident. (See Ted Talk on Power Poses by Amy Cuddy)
• We can practice deeply belly breathing, 5 or 6 times in a row, to calm our nervous system.
• We can exercise to get adrenaline flowing and create a sense of empowerment.
• We can remember this very helpful phrase: Compare and Despair! When you catch yourself making comparisons to others, STOP! It doesn’t help and only hurts by fueling feelings and thoughts of not enough. 

In the long run, we heal the parts of us that feel inadequate by first becoming aware of them. Once aware, we listen to them and try to fully understand the story of how they came to believe they were not enough. Over time, by naming, validating and processing the associated emotions both from the past and present, the frequency and intensity of our not enough parts diminishes. 

Mike learned to feel and move through the buried anger he had towards his parents both for moving and for not noticing how much he struggled. He validated the pain and sadness for what he went through without judging whether he was entitled to his feelings. When his wife hugged him and praised him for being such a great dad, he took in her love and praise as deeply as possible. He accepted himself during the times when he was too tired to fight against the feelings of not enough. By educating himself on emotions and how the brain is affected by childhood adversity, Mike learned that everyone struggled. No one is perfect, not even his father. When all else failed, just this thought brought him peace and reminded him that he was enough.

(Patient details are always changed to protect privacy)

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/26/the-feeling-that-you-are-not-enough/