What Does Conduct Disorder Look Like?

A conduct disorder involves both behavioral and emotional problems found in children who do not adhere to what is socially acceptable. Kids who understand, but choose not to follow rules, can often fall into the category of conduct disorder. Teachers frequently reprimand these children more often than others from an early grade.

There is no known cause of conduct disorder. While it was originally thought to have been a product of poor parenting, the general consensus has changed. There are multiple factors that may play a role in this particular development. The most common areas of concern are: genetics, environment, and psychological problems.

Environmental factors include the family and school. Alcoholic parents who fight or neglect their children may fall into this category. Being bullied in school or having issues with specific teachers can be an environmental cause. Inconsistent discipline, whether at school or at home, has a huge impact on the behavior of a child.

Psychological problems including cognitive processing can cause a shift in normal behavior. Problems feeling remorse or guilt can arise from this segment of the disorder.

Genetics can also play an important role. Families with a history of mental illness may be more susceptible to behavioral disorders in children. Mood disorders and anxiety disorders can occur under a parent’s or teacher’s radar. If the intensity of emotion is experienced differently than others their age, children may not know how to handle their surroundings in a socially acceptable way.

General behavior conduct disorder includes:

• Criminal behavior, such as stealing.
• A lack of respect for rules, such as skipping class.
• Lack of empathy. Children who hurt animals on purpose usually fall into this category.
• Bullying. Acting out with the intention of purposely hurting other children is a common sign of conduct disorder.
• Lack of respect for boundaries, such as vandalism. Destroying other people’s property, whether it’s someone’s home or another child’s toy, is a good representation of both breaking boundaries and bullying.
• Persistent lying. When a child knows the truth and lies anyway, especially for no apparent reason, this can be seen as a red flag.

This disorder may impact your child if you notice:

• Burn marks
• Difficulty concentrating
• False sense of grandiosity or egotism
  
• Low esteem
• Inability to plan

Many children diagnosed with conduct disorder have co-existing conditions. Some of these include: ADHD, personality disorders, anxiety, and learning difficulties.

If a conduct disorder is left untreated, the outcome can be dangerous not only for the child diagnosed, but for those around him/her.  

Problems from lack of treatment can include:

• Risky sexual behavior
• Substance abuse
• Abuse of others
• Antisocial personality disorder diagnosis
• Incarceration

Conduct disorder is much more prevalent in boys than girls. The rate of conduct disorder in boys is between 6% and 16% while girls ranged from 2% to 9%.

Children who display signs of conduct disorder in early development are at greater risk for long-term difficulties. They are more likely to struggle with relationships and less likely to finish school.

Treatment Options Include:

Involving both family and school. Discipline for certain behavior should be consistent, whether the child is at home or in school. When teachers and parents work together, they have a clearer sense of what needs to be accomplished and how.

In addition to focusing on how to overcome the negative aspects of conduct disorder, focus on the positive. Engaging your child in healthy social structures will benefit him/her in the future. Using praise for healthy behavior is also suggested.

Studies show that behavioral parent training leads to the reduction of antisocial behavior. 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/30/what-does-conduct-disorder-look-like/

Do You Know the Signs of Stress?

“Stress is an alarm clock that lets you know you’re attached to something that’s not true for you.” – Byron Katie

As a run up to the holidays, doesn’t it seem like everyone’s rushing around trying to cram too much into too little time? Crazed to find a parking space in an overcrowded lot, racing to get into the elevator before the door closes or hitting the door-close button so no one else can get in, exhibiting uncharitable, rude and potentially unhealthy behavior when trying to snatch the last sale item and so much more are all signs of stressed-out individuals.

Is it any wonder the commercials for antacids and headache pills proliferate this time of year? But what about really acknowledging you’re stressed and doing something about it? Here are telltale signs to pay attention to:

Physical Symptoms

The body is incredibly sensitive to stress and will display the effects of this potentially-toxic emotion. Some of the more readily-identifiable physical stress signs include:

• Chest pain
• Headache
• Pain or tension in the muscles
• Sleeping difficulties
• Increased or decreased sex drive
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Tiredness

Behavioral Signs

Stress takes its toll on everyday behavior as well as exacting physical effects. When you are stressed, you’re more likely to exhibit one or more of the following behavioral changes:

• Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
• Smoking more often
• Eating too much or too little
• Avoiding social situations
• Expressing anger
• Slacking off on exercise

Emotional Effects

Perhaps the most tough-to-recognize effects of stress on a person are the ones affecting emotions. While they could be caused by an underlying physical condition, stress may also be at least a contributing factor in the following emotional effects of stress.

• A feeling of being overwhelmed
• Becoming easily irritated or angry
• Feeling anxious
• An uncharacteristic restlessness
• Being unable to focus or lacking motivation
• Sudden sadness or depression

Ways to Manage Stress

Once you learn to recognize the signs of stress, for your own well-being and that of your loved ones, family members, co-workers and friends, it’s imperative that you find ways to manage stress before it spirals out of control and causes serious health problems. While each of these stress-reduction tips can help decrease stress, using them in combination can ratchet up your ability to maintain balance and personal well-being. You don’t have to be an expert to reap the benefits. Just dive in and act.

• Make time for yourself. Granted, it sounds a little selfish, but good self-care when you’re stressed is vitally important to overcoming stress. If you have a hobby, set aside time to devote to it. This can be any activity that you enjoy, including gardening, cooking, decorating, reading, listening to music, watching movies or your favorite programs on DVR or video on demand. It isn’t the what you do but the fact that you carve time out to enjoy yourself. Even a brief time doing what you enjoy can dramatically reduce stress.
• Activate your sense of humor. It’s hard to resist the sound of laughter. That’s almost universal. When you laugh, you breathe in oxygen that’s good for your heart and all your organs and this stimulates the production of endorphins in your brain that work to counteract stress. The increase in blood pressure from laughter has a corresponding effect of relaxation. Chuckles and smiles can also increase circulation to ease some physical symptoms of stress, including muscle tension.
• Engage in regular physical activity. Being sedentary is linked to an increased disease risk as well as packing on the pounds. Regular physical activity, in the form of physical exercise, however, offers numerous benefits. Among them is the way exercise helps cut down on stress.
• Eat a well-balanced diet. Overindulgence, eating high-fat, high-sugar, high-carbohydrate meals will make stress worse, not better. To counter the effects of stress or to maintain a more balanced lifestyle, make sure you eat a nutritious diet. Instead of skipping meals when time is tight, have nutritious snacks on hand that will prevent crashing and give you a healthy energy boost.
• Get sufficient sleep. Stress robs your body and mind of the energy it needs. By ensuring you get at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep nightly, you can minimize the caustic effects of stress. Remember that the body heals during restful sleep and this is especially important when you are stressed and sleep-deprived.
• Cut back on caffeine and alcohol. When you feel stressed and want an instant fix, instead of opting for that caffeine-rich drink or pouring a stiff drink, experts say it’s best to drink water. Caffeine and alcohol are known to cause an uptick in anxiety and may even trigger panic attacks in some stressed-out individuals. Research found that using alcohol to reduce stress may instead make the stress worse and prolong recovery from what caused the stress to begin with.
• Just breathe. A quick and effortless way to reduce stress is to take a few deep breaths. Slowly breathe in and out whenever you feel stressed to experience almost immediate relief. Research has found that deep breathing, yoga, tai chi and other relaxation techniques can reduce stress and enhance well-being.

If you’re continuing to have difficulty reducing stress and its debilitating effects, consider getting help from a mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist, therapist, psychologist or social worker.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/30/do-you-know-the-signs-of-stress/

Podcast: Rachel Star: Stunt Girl, Schizophrenia Advocate

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe Howard and Vincent M. Wales welcome as their guest, Rachel Star, a stunt girl and YouTube sensation who lives with schizophrenia. Rachel had schizophrenia as a child, but was not diagnosed until her early twenties. She describes what it was like as a child and the moment she realize that the things she saw weren’t seen by others. Later in life, as an early adopter of online media, she began posting videos of herself doing outlandish things. The videos became quite popular, even being studied in classes at universities! And yes, she talks about being set on fire.

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Schizophrenia Advocate & Stunt Girl Show Highlights:

“People with mental health disorders… you can still live an amazing, badass life!” ~ Rachel Star

[3:29]   Rachel realizes that no one else actually sees monsters under the bed.

[4:49]   Finally, the diagnosis.

[6:00]   Telling the parents… on a trampoline.

[7:35]   How her father finally “got it.”

[10:10] Rachel Star: Human Torch

[13:55] How Rachel became a stunt girl.

[14:10] From YouTube star to college study subject.

Proud Sponsor of The Psych Central Show

 

 

About Our Guest

Rachel Star is a professional stunt girl for television shows. She has documented her life with schizophrenia and mental health issues for more than ten years on her YouTube channel.

Youtube.com/rachelstarlive

Twitter.com/rachelstarlive

Facebook.com/schizostuntgirl

www.rachelstarlive.com

 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

 

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/30/podcast-rachel-star-stunt-girl-schizophrenia-advocate/

Scrupulosity OCD and the Sin of Certainty

When religious and faithful individuals are told that the unremitting thoughts that they are trying to get rid of are due to their OCD, they have difficulty accepting it. They may remember how and where their symptoms began, and may attribute their sinful thoughts to Satan or being cursed somehow somewhere. They may eventually acknowledge the symptoms as OCD but continue to doubt their worthiness.

As they question their thoughts and actions, uncertainty persists. They believe they may find surety if they make a more exerted effort. For example, they may say, “If I pray longer, the intrusive thoughts will stop. Perhaps I didn’t confess all my sins. I must go back and do better. My service to others is not enough. I need to be more humble.” Their mind may come up with countless reasons and stories behind their inability to stop their thoughts and incessant guilt. They may feel evil and don’t realize that OCD is zeroing in on their religion and moral values.

When individuals are devout to their spiritual beliefs and struggle with OCD, treatment can become complex, stressful, and painful. Below are some clarifications regarding scrupulosity OCD.

The “Fix-it Machine”: Our mind allows us to solve external problems by coming up with ways to repair or discard malfunctioning items.  When we experience feelings and thoughts that aren’t working for us, our fix-it machine provides ideas to help us feel better. Just like we can stop the water from a leaking faucet by repairing it, our wonderful mind may propose that we can stop shameful thoughts. Have you noticed what happens when you try to do this? The mind’s other strategies also include: distraction, avoidance, figuring things out, time traveling (ruminating about the past and future), and repetition. Scrupulous individuals agonize, as their guilt and anxiety appear to be non-stop. They compulsively try those unhealthy coping skills. The results seem inconclusive and short lived.  

Impure Thoughts: Many religious and OCD sufferers feel conflicted and tormented when they experience wicked thoughts. They believe that they are not abiding to their religion’s precepts because those thoughts should not exist, yet they persist. They may say, “I’m wicked. I must remove these thoughts permanently.” Their observances such as prayers, singing, and reciting spiritual verses usually provide some comfort. As the thoughts return, they persevere in their belief that they may not be trying hard enough. They then increase the intensity and duration of their observances so they can have longer effect. Soon enough, they find themselves trapped in the obsessive-compulsive web. Their affliction heightens as the unclean thoughts resurface again and again.

The Sin of Certainty: Individuals who struggle with OCD yearn for the certainty that will set them free of guilt and anxiety. Ensuring that they are forgiven may become their primary focus each day, but certainty continues to elude them. They forget that their everyday routines include uncertainty. When it comes to the feared consequences related to their doctrine and beliefs, uncertainty is unacceptable in their view. They continue to do whatever they can to decrease the disturbing dissonance between their souls and their thoughts. The sin of certainty occurs because they become distracted from what matters most — their faith and love of God.

Eventually, exhaustion takes over and they may feel dejected and depressed. They may become disenchanted with their religion. They may say, “If I stay away from the triggers that create this agony, I will be better off.” Sometimes, their anguish may turn into animosity towards their church.

The OCD Web: The quest for certainty becomes a stumbling block to their faith and their desired spirituality. Individuals become entangled with their thoughts and feelings and are unable to separate themselves from those internal experiences. As they feel trapped, the entanglement ensues with obsessions and compulsions that become their demise.

It doesn’t have to be that way. You can unravel yourself from unhelpful thoughts and become more flexible with them. When you notice you are getting caught up in the OCD web, remember that:

• Our mind is continually producing thoughts. Therefore, controlling and stopping thoughts is not possible. It is only wishful thinking.
• Every mortal being will have impure thoughts at one time or another. This is not to reassure you, but to remind you that it is best to come to terms with the fact that you are an earthly creature and imperfect. Trying to achieve purity in thought is not possible in this life.
• Because you have scrupulosity OCD, the thoughts that show up may be opposite to what you hold dear in your heart, such as your faith and moral values. Remember that this is what happens. Don’t be surprised when OCD morphs or entangles your thoughts and feelings related to other important areas of your life.

Notice what happens when you hold your thoughts lightly. Observe them as they move at their own pace. You can learn to do this instead of trying to figure out why you had them.

Remember, you have thoughts — pleasant and unpleasant ones — for various reasons including: you have a human mind, and religion and moral values are important to you. You don’t have to get trapped with the sin of certainty in the OCD web.

You have a choice!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/29/scrupulosity-ocd-and-the-sin-of-certainty/

Why You Need a Strong Sense of Self and How to Boost It

When life is busy or challenging, most people get so caught up in what goes on in their head that they forget all about the rest of their body. But problems and difficulties are best addressed with the whole of you. If you focus on your issues with a strong sense of self — rather than only your mind — your confidence and inner compass have a solid base for operating in the world. This is enhanced by being fully present in the here and now — rather than dwelling on the past or projecting thoughts into the future.

The term “sense of self” relates to the perception you have of yourself, your self-image. You know who you are, and are okay with it. But if your view of yourself is dominated by the inner critic, your sense of self is compromised. Your authenticity, confidence and vitality will suffer.

To develop and strengthen a realistic sense of self, focus on the following qualities:

Know Yourself.

Realistic self-knowledge and self-awareness are a prerequisite for operating from a position of authenticity. Make sure you know how you tick: your values, beliefs and traits, how you are in the world and interact with others.

Accept Yourself.

Self-acceptance is one of the most important qualities to develop. Self-esteem feeds off performance and achievements, boosting feelings of self-worth when there is something to be proud of. The problem is, that once performance drops, self-esteem plummets, as many retired athletes have experienced.

With self-acceptance you do not only focus on the ‘good’. You know the whole picture of who you are – good, bad, indifferent. You do not shy away from acknowledging your talents, skills and successes. But more than that, you also accept shortcomings, failures and hiccups without trying to hide them or engaging in serious self-recrimination.

Self-acceptance knows that imperfection is an unavoidable part of being human. It is about being realistic and honest – with understanding, self-compassion and the willingness to face those parts of yourself that might require a tune-up.

Affirm Your Boundaries.

If you have a tendency to compliance, you might fit in with your current tribe but it will damage your sense of self. Denying your own opinions and inclinations for the sake of pleasing others, undermines your integrity and individuality. Of course, all relationships require compromises to function well, but that is not the same as letting your boundaries be violated.

To stand your ground with grace and ease, practice setting limits, negotiation, assertive communication, saying ‘no’ and handling criticism.

Mistrust Your Fears.

There is much to be apprehensive about: the state of the world, the unknown, your personal future, unforeseen and uninvited changes. But fearful thoughts have a tendency to exaggerate and catastrophize. They also seem terribly convincing and so true that you might be led into fearful retreat. However, avoidance does not conquer fear. Only facing and taking action regardless of it will give you strength, confidence and self-assurance.

Be at peace with yourself.

Is your mind often tuned in to radio Triple F? Glued to the scary stories about Fears, Flaws and Failure inside your mind? What is that doing for your motivation, get-up-and-go, your rational thinking? Going through life can be fraught with difficulties and turbulence. There will be moments of uncertainty, rattled confidence, instances of making mistakes and anxiousness. But radio Triple F is the wrong station to listen to. It will sabotage your best efforts and prevent peaceful living.

Practise being comfortable in your own company. Trust that you have got what it takes to manage life’s difficulties. Take time out from striving and doing and tune into yourself. Slow down for a little while, breathe and remind yourself that you are okay just as you are. You are as worthy as everyone else and deserve to experience yourself with self-love.

Live a Self-directed Life.

Much of what happens in life is beyond your control. But giving in to helplessness or lack of hope, procrastination or passivity, following what others want you to do, uncritically believing what you are told, are sure ways to sabotage any sense of personal power. Irrespective of the circumstances, you have the ability – and the right – to choose how you respond to life’s events and map your own way forward.

When you live with self-awareness, know and accept yourself, stand your ground when needed and walk your own path through fears and obstacles, you have a solid inner compass. You are not easily bowled over or deny who you truly are. Claim the only real anchor anyone of us can have – a strong sense of self:

Today you are you, that is truer than true.

There is no one alive who is youer than you.

-Dr. Seuss

What is your sense of self about? How have you been able to develop or maintain it? If yours needs boosting, what key will help you most?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/29/why-you-need-a-strong-sense-of-self-and-how-to-boost-it/

Parenting Fails that Won’t Doom Your Kids Life

Parenting is really tough and despite our best intentions, no parent gets it completely right 100% of the time. When it comes to parenting, we have to accept that embarrassing gaffes are just par for the course. The upside — other than having that adorable bundle of mischievous energy in your life — is that these goofs are comedy gold that make your parenting journey utterly delightful.

Fortunately, kids are more resilient than we parents give them credit for. So if you are guilty of any of these parenting fails, quit beating yourself up — especially if everyone turned out just fine:

Family photos gone wrong.

I’m willing to bet every family has at least one of these somewhere. There seems to be an unspoken rule that whenever you round up toddlers for a family photo, hilarity ensues. The camera captures it all for posterity from weird facial expressions, awkward postures, bawling children and harassed parents. Good thing is, these photos make for the funniest family stories later on. Be considerate about posting them online though as kids, especially teens, might not appreciate the unflattering attention.

Kitchen mishaps.

You want to surprise your kids with something special for dinner so you decide to try out that recipe you got online. Only after you’ve cooked the meal and served it up for your little ones do you realize that maybe not every recipe on Pinterest should be trusted. So you chuck your failed experiment in the bin, order take-out and hope that you didn’t destroy your kids’ sense of taste. You also learn the importance of first making and tasting every recipe before dishing it out to others.

Toddler makeovers and DIY projects.

Kids love expressing themselves, especially where they’re not supposed to. Leave them unattended (even for five minutes) and you’ll be pleasantly surprised with evidence of their artistic sides. You never knew how many creative uses crayons, chalk, permanent markers and even kitchen flour or oil could be put to until toddlers get hold of them.

I still shudder when I remember the time my youngest painted himself green with a sharpie because he wanted to be the Grinch. From that day on, I’m always suspicious whenever my children are too quiet. That’s usually when mischief is brewing.

Parental memory lapses.

We parents are usually so busy that some things just slip our minds. Like the time my wife was supposed to pick up our kids from dance class but she totally forgot thinking it was my turn to do it. Or that time I took the wrong child for a doctor’s appointment only to realize my mistake halfway there. If something like this has happened to you — maybe you forgot to put sweets in the kids’ piñata or you put on your baby’s diaper over his onesie (or forgot it altogether) — relax. You’re in good company and your kids aren’t going to be scarred for life because of your forgetfulness.

Kids’ verbal bloopers.

While it’s true children say the darndest things, you won’t think it’s funny when they pick up curse words. I didn’t know how much I used to say “Shit” in my daughter’s presence. In my defense, I used to mutter it believing she was out of earshot. I realized how mistaken I was when one day as we were getting ice-cream, hers partly melted and fell down. Without missing a beat, my little angel screamed, “Shit!” loud enough for everyone to hear. Needless to say, I was mortified and from then on I was more careful about what I said around my children.

Forgetting to lock up.

Stories abound about parents who learned the error of not locking doors in the funniest ways, the most memorable being Professor Kelly who had his interview with the BBC famously interrupted by his kids. Then there are those whose kids surprised them in bed or in the shower and those whose children found personal items and used them for their own amusement. You really can’t blame them, kids are curious creatures and the lure of hidden items is just too much for them to resist. If they find them, they’ll definitely play with them. A better approach would be to teach them the importance of privacy and also locking things up to prevent children from getting their hands on them.

These fails prove that no one is perfect at parenting and we all screw up once in awhile. So instead of trying to be the perfect parent, learn to laugh at your goofs. Not only is it incredibly therapeutic, it also teaches your children that you’re not infallible. Best of all, you’ll have something to reminisce and laugh about when they grow older.

 

Resources:

• http://thestir.cafemom.com/being_a_mom/184712/13_crazy_things_kids_have
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh4f9AYRCZY&feature=youtu.be
• https://www.babble.com/kid/stuff-kids-have-ruined/
• https://boschmixers.com/not-everything-on-pinterest-tastes-good-beware/
• https://psychcentral.com/lib/posting-about-your-kids-online-heres-what-to-consider/
• https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-tips-for-raising-resilient-kids/

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/29/parenting-fails-that-wont-doom-your-kids-life/

Act to Overcome Fear

“Thinking will not overcome fear — but action will.” – W. Clement Stone

Those who have ever felt paralyzed by fear can take comfort in the knowledge that there is a proactive way to overcome it. This involves a willingness to act — to make some kind, almost any kind of action.

The problem, however, is that the mere saying that acting will help overcome fear is difficult to absorb. There are so many preconceived and misinformed notions that keep us from fully comprehending and believing that we have the power to do something about the fear that has held us in its clutches — perhaps for far too long.

A little-known but very applicable concept is that each of us has the power within us to shape our lives. Whether we find ourselves in the grip of fear or we are determined to overcome the knot of anxiety and the cold clutch of confusion in the face of it is purely our decision. We can allow fear to take over. In fact, many do. They are the ones who never seem to find the courage to move beyond this self-destructive emotion. Others, however, acknowledge the fear but refuse to give fear the power to control them. It isn’t easy, by any means, but you can overcome fear and take back the power this negative emotion robbed you of.

What kind of action serves to reduce or eliminate fear? This will depend on the situation, your current mental, physical and/or emotional state. And it will be different for everybody. What motivates me to move past fear may be a hurdle too great to climb or not enough to sufficiently galvanize someone else.

For example, I’ve always been afraid of strange noises in the dark. That stems from a childhood experience when there was a window peeper in the neighborhood and I was alone in the house at night while my mother worked late. I complained that there was somebody outside, that I felt someone looking at me, but my fears were dismissed as an overactive imagination. However, when I insisted that night after night there were strange noises outside our big picture window, my mother investigated and found a man’s footprints in the soil between the shrubs. She contacted police and they started patrolling the neighborhood, eventually nabbing the culprit – who’d been doing this for months.

How did I get past this fear? The fact that the police caught the guy was a huge step. My mother then put extra locks on the doors and installed light-blocking window coverings and closed the drapes at sunset. I stopped hiding in the closet and resumed watching TV and doing my homework in the living room. I told myself that all necessary precautions had been taken and I was safe.

I may still be a bit rattled by unusual noises in the night and/or dark places – like deep in the forest when walking a mountain trail – but I keep vigilant, travel with companions, and have a cell phone handy to call for help if needed.

It’s important to stress that each of us has a wealth of internal motivators to push us forward – even when we’re scared to do so. It could be time, as in there’s only X-amount of time before a deadline passes and if we want to take advantage of an opportunity, we need to take some sort of action now.

It could be the encouragement of friends, family, loved ones and co-workers who see qualities and capabilities in us and strongly support our taking a certain course of action that we might have discussed or intimated.

Maybe it’s the knowledge that we have overcome such fears in the past. This helps to bolster our resolve and fuel the courage we need to move ahead and act.

As to the more general recommendations about acting to overcome fear, it needn’t be a large and sweeping action. Small active steps often suffice to begin to chip away at the fear that holds us back. Keep in mind that little successes add up, resulting in a growing reserve of self-confidence that can be drawn upon later. Maybe some technique, tactic, tip or strategy worked well in one instance of overcoming fear and that may prove useful the next time we are faced with a situation that causes fear to rise and choke us off again.

Keep in mind that each of us is in control of the direction we want our lives to take. Never relinquish control to fear. Be active and keep moving forward toward goals we deem necessary, life-affirming and worthwhile.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/28/act-to-overcome-fear/

How Parents Can Overcome the Consumerism Trap This Holiday Season

Consumerism and materialism can be challenging for parents at this time of year as the holiday season is approaching. Many people experience a pressure to buy gifts, sometimes in excess of what they might be financially comfortable doing. Kids often have high expectations for receiving gifts based on how many gifts their friends are getting and messages from the media telling them that they need more and better.  

Without mindful awareness, we as parents can easily fall into the trap of going on automatic pilot and doing what we think we “should” to keep up with the societal expectations instead of making choices based on what is most meaningful to us. Here are a few suggestions to step out of the consumerism trap this holiday season:

1. Decide what you most value around this holiday time, and what values you want to impart to your children about money, spending, giving to others, and the meaning of the holiday.  

Taking some time to identify what is most important to you is a first step to being more mindful as you approach the holiday season, and making choices that align with your values.  Ask yourself the following question:  

What matters most to me at this holiday season? Is it, for example, being with family members and friends, celebrating the religious meaning of a holiday, giving to others, etc.  Think about how you might translate this into activities you and your child can do together.

Next, sit down together with your child or children and each write out or share what aspects of the holiday are most important to you.  You might let them know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to receive gifts, but that you are interested in knowing what other parts of the holiday season are most important to them. For younger children you might ask them what are some of their favorite things to do during the holidays. Come up with a few ideas together of how to make the holidays meaningful, based on what is most important to them. For a younger child, if helping to decorate is a favorite part of the holiday for them, perhaps put them in charge of making the decorations for the living room. If holiday food is an important part of the holiday for a child, perhaps help them come up with a special recipe they can make, or have them get a favorite recipe from an elder family member to make. Find ways to take what is meaningful and translate it into something that you and your child can do together.  

2. Have some gifts that are non-material.  

I remember in high school that one of my friends gave me, and some of our mutual friends a very unusual gift at graduation time. It was a small canister that typically holds a roll of film, but instead he put a small piece of paper inside where he wrote out his deepest wish for each of us. I can’t remember many other graduation gifts I received, but this one stands out over 30 years later because it was particularly personal and touching. Sharing non-material gifts with children during the holidays (in addition to some material gifts) can be a way to help counter society’s emphasis on consumerism. For younger children, gifts might include letting them stay up thirty minutes past bedtime on a weekend of their choice, or having a special movie and popcorn night at home on an evening of their choice, or making a fort with blankets and “camping out” in there with sleeping bags together for an evening.  For older children this might involve having a special  parent/child day together of 1:1 time, where they can pick the games and activities, or a “spa” day at home together. An idea for tweens might include a “cake wars” night, where family members pair off and see who can make the tastiest and fanciest dessert.  For older teens, a heartfelt letter or card expressing what you love about them could be more meaningful to them than you realize.  These gifts are not meant to necessarily replace material ones, but can show children that some of the best gifts need not be purchased.

In addition, you might think about helping your children give non-material gifts to others. For example, they might frame a picture or special note they make for a relative, or pick out a special family photo to frame and give to a relative as a gift from them.  For older children, they might offer their time as a gift — such as making themselves available to babysit or help a relative with chores for a day.

3. Find a way to teach children about giving back.

Look for opportunities to teach children about giving to their community in some way. For younger children this might involve having them take an active part in going through old toys and clothes and donating what they don’t use anymore.  For older children, they might do some extra chores around the house to earn money to buy a gift for a child in need.  Or, you might find somewhere to volunteer together, such as at a food pantry or an animal shelter.  Alternatively, you might make a meal together and drop it off at a homeless shelter.

While consumerism and commercialism will continue to be a big part of our culture, there is much we can do to approach this holiday season mindfully, and in doing so, create greater meaning for ourselves and for our children.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/28/how-parents-can-overcome-the-consumerism-trap-this-holiday-season/

Best of Our Blogs: November 28, 2017

‘Tis the season for overindulging and overdoing, when everyone comes together to buy into a belief that makes us sick, sad and stressed.

We believe getting the best present is more important than our presence.

We want our families to be happy so we people please, which leaves us resentful and upset.

We do favors, help others and drive around in traffic when we’re tired and depleted.

No wonder many of us are more scrooge than angelic.

We can turn things around by doing the hard stuff. Saying, “No.” Taking stock of what really matters. Letting go of should. And being open to new ways of celebrating the holidays.

Sometimes all it takes is questioning our old beliefs.

What To Do If Your Partner Never Initiates Sex
(Reaching Life Goals) – Stop asking why he or she’s not intimacy. Instead ask yourself the following questions.

4 Ways Emotional Neglect From Your Childhood Can Harm Your Relationships
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – This is why you’ve spent your whole life running away from your emotions and why you have trouble in your relationships.

The Female Orgasm and our Mental Health (Part 1 of 2)
(Full Heart, Empty Arms) – It’s all the myths and missteps we make when it comes to the big O.

When You’re Not Sure If They Can
(Childhood Behavioral Concerns) – How do you know if you’re pushing your child too much or not enough? Here are the things you need to know.

How one woman makes non-addicts feel like addicts
(Addiction Matters) – This will change the way you see addicts and addiction.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/28/best-of-our-blogs-november-28-2017/

Mental Health Stigma: A Doctor Who Has Been in Your Shoes

Your doctor may relate to your mental health concerns more than he or she can say.

Imagine you are sitting with your primary care doctor sharing your symptoms of depression, anxiety, ADHD or anorexia. Imagine in that difficult and lonely moment, your doctor makes the decision to self-disclose that she not only understands your symptoms from a professional standpoint, but also personally as someone who also struggles with a similar diagnosis. What would you think?

My friend Eliza just finished her medical residency and explains that this scenario has played out in her head plenty of times, but never in person. She explains that thus far she hasn’t felt that it was information that would support patients in ways she couldn’t achieve otherwise. However, she says that her struggles are a large part of what makes her an effective provider. “Yes, suffering from some of these mental health disorders can make it more difficult to discern and compartmentalize and not project things on my patients, but I am better at treating psychological issues than many of my peers who have never encountered them outside a professional setting. I’m really familiar with the drugs and things that can go wrong and the side effects, because I’ve been through them. You could call it an unpleasant firsthand learning experience.”  

Eliza talks about how her depression and recovery from anorexia allows her to empathize with people more deeply than she otherwise would be able to. Her anxiety makes her really productive. Her ADHD makes her more creative, allows her to multitask and look at things differently than most. She explains that her personal experience with mental health disorders make her a better doctor, however the stigma around mental health in the field can be very problematic. “Some people view it as a choice or illegitimate. When someone suffers a bout of major depression, people are expected to push through it. That has to change. It’s detrimental when we force people to tough it out. Especially in my field because I will put that on my patients.”

When Eliza decided to apply to medical school she did a lot of investigating into whether or not to disclose her personal experiences. She recalls reading about how applications to med school should be as personal as possible. She read a testimony online where an applicant was talking about having bipolar and being hospitalized and why it would make her a better physician. Eliza still remembers that the overwhelming response from peers was “NO NO NO. Do not share this. You will not get in.” Eliza admits she chose to only self-disclose to a few close friends in her program.

She talks about how challenging and dark it got during school and how important conversations with understanding experts were. She recalls a very affirming conversation with the disability program manager at her school, who explained her ADHD diagnosis to her better than she had ever heard before. “People think that people with ADHD are paying attention to a million things at once because you can’t pay attention to anything… but your brain just needs a certain/higher threshold to be able to lock in and tune in.” After this conversation she stopped buying the textbooks that she couldn’t focus on and started constructing her own adaptive techniques to learn the material. “I got through school because of my iPad and foam roller. I would watch videos on the floor while foam rolling and I realized that once I had visual, auditory, and body movement I could actually recall information.”.

Eliza knows how her mental health and sense of safety to confront stigma ebbs and flows, but she says now, having finished school she feels fiercely about advocating for herself and her patients. When I asked her what her aspirations are for her career she responded proudly, “Hopefully crazy attracts crazy.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/27/mental-health-stigma-a-doctor-who-has-been-in-your-shoes/

Your Diagnosis Does Not Define You

I’ve been diagnosed, at one point or another, with depression, anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. It’s an annoying characterization of myself because my medical ‘diagnosis’ does not define me. Yet it has also been incredibly helpful to me as it explains certain behaviors and reactions, and gives me the tools I need to research and manage them.

But let me be clear. What I ‘have’ does not equate to who I am. As despite the challenges, we can all thrive.

I can say this now, as I’m in a new chapter in my life with success under my belt. My first consumer product turned into a 35 million dollar retail brand, and raised more than a million dollars for charities. I have presented at the UN, World Bank, and more. I sit on several global advisory boards, helped get mental health added to the sustainable development goals, helped create a youth mental health movement, and shared my story around the world.

So I come with experience and wisdom to share.

I’m grateful to say I been off medication for some time, another feat I never thought I would accomplish as managing my moods on my own didn’t seem within reach. As you can imagine, the combination of anxiety, PTSD, depression and ADHD is not easy to handle as many of them actually create havoc on the other. Even one alone can debilitate a person making the entrepreneurial journey virtually impossible.

And it is not to say medication is bad. It has saved many, many lives. Including my own. I just prefer to work through the ‘stuff’ to get to my core. I may at some point go on meds again, and that is OK. I’m also grateful that today I don’t need them.

So how did I do it? Initially, therapy and medication, healthy lifestyle choices including meditation, exercise, cutting out alcohol and addictions. I got a handle on my triggers which would often spark unwanted life pivots. Ongoing mood management led to practicing presence. And then beyond presence, but actually enjoying the moment. Which of course led to my company.

That was the initial work, and it allowed me to start seeing and manage the various triggers without folding into a heap of despair, or running off to chase the latest addiction that alleviated some unwanted feeling or lack of feeling.

The second step was to approach the ‘diagnosis’ like a curious child. To explore their darkness and light, understand their messages, and use the mess they could potentially cause to instead drive meaning and purpose in my life. And this is what I found helpful with each diagnosis:

• ADHD: I initially didn’t even realize I had the ‘H’ as I’m not necessarily a hyperactive person. I am, however, an impulsive person in thinking and action and this is how it plays out with my ADHD. So how did I manage as an entrepreneur? I created smart coping strategies to get organized including budgeting, hiring an assistant, writing lists, and checking with advisors to keep me accountable. And how does it benefit me? It is pretty powerful once channeled, and I focus on the gifts of creativity, ideation for new products, drive, hyper-focus, and efficiency. It is an incredibly powerful ‘diagnosis’ once correctly managed.
• Depression: This is super hard to handle, and almost impossible to imagine how it might help an entrepreneur. As any entrepreneur knows, we need to get stuff done. Being in bed, unable to move and unmotivated to work does not get us there. At least at first glance. What I found, however, was that I could actually work when I was depressed, from bed, with writing. The power of depression is it takes you to an emotional depth you never knew you had and wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet also gives you insights, deep deep feeling and empathy. It was in my bed that I dreamed up Hopeful Minds, initially called Schools for Hope, something that we are now teaching kids around the globe. It was in my bed, in my darkest time, that I found my ability to write and plan and solve mental problems in a way I never imagined possible. My intense, insatiable, excruciating mental anguish drove my thoughts and ideas, when I channeled them the right way (not to darkness, but to light) to new places I had never imagined with both my business and my nonprofit.
• Anxiety: This may seem easier, as it is an energetic state and in my experience much less stigmatized than depression. However, it can be just as challenging as it can leave us in total paralysis. We absolutely have to stop everything because we can’t get a single thing done and we think our brain might explode trying to figure it out. The good news? I found my brain never exploded. That’s right, it never exploded! I found my anxiety to be a great driver once I could calm the brain down and get present through meditation, deep breathing, and putting all my ‘to do’s on lists in a big brain dump. As even if I didn’t get everything on my list done, simply writing it down and taking a single small step in the right direction got me moving forward again. Once I was moving, the anxiety dissipated.
• PTSD: This is not a fun one. It has thrown me off track as an entrepreneur so many times, and it is such an automatic reflex unless it is truly healed it is so challenging to make progress. As any time I perceive that I am betrayed or abandoned my PTSD kicks in and I freeze. Literally, I’m frozen in thought and action, unable to make a decision or trust people or realize the universe really does have my back. Thank goodness, however, it is a thing of the past for the most part. How did I resolve it? Through lots of EMDR, hypnosis, and cognitive behavioral therapy. Now when I’m triggered I breath. Deeply. Many times. I focus on getting present.  And sure enough, the energy moves through me. And what is the benefit PTSD? It made me really aware or my surroundings and how people are feeling. I am hypersensitive to the marketplace, incredibly aware of how audiences or groups are reacting, and have a deep understanding of what is working and what isn’t. It also sometimes forces me to stop and reflect, which is so necessary in business and so often missed because I think I need to be ‘doing’. Often times, it is the ‘being’ where the magic occurs.

Even though the stigma is strong, these are not curses in my life. They are gifts that I simply needed to transform into my full being. To fulfill my life’s mission and purpose.

The beneficial traits of these illnesses can provide unique advantages if harnessed. I manage all of this on an ongoing basis, while not perfectly, with much more grace and success than I ever thought possible. Thankfully, I’ve had great therapists and doctors that have helped me desensitize what triggered all of these different ‘responses’ in the first place, and more effectively managed my emotions thus increasing my emotional intelligence.

When we act from these negative mood states, we end up acting in a way unaligned with who we really are. So, no matter what, as an entrepreneur or anyone else, getting into a hopeful, positive state through meditation, exercise, healthy eating, talking to a therapist, or connecting with your higher power (if applicable) is critical to success.

The biggest tip I can share (which again I’m still working on) is to not ever act from a state other than hope and love. We cannot be in a hopeful state and an angry or anxious state at the same time. Get some distance from the intense emotions and action. Then, once you have clarity, use the emotions to fuel inspired action.

Both The Mood Factory and iFred, my for-profit and my nonprofit, have given me satisfaction and fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams. They never would have been born without my story. I never thought I’d say it, but I am thankful for it. All of it. Each and every diagnosis.

I hope that if you have any of these diagnosis, or any other ones, you don’t let it stop you from pursuing your dreams. As an entrepreneur, you can thrive. Find the hidden gems and use them to your ultimate advantage in whatever you do.

Please do share your strategies, journey, and triumphs in the comments if so inspired.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/27/your-diagnosis-does-not-define-you/

The Inner Abuser

Why do we tolerate comments from ourselves, which we would not tolerate from anyone else? Indeed, why do we sometimes allow whole running commentaries on our way of being to take up every second of the day and a significant amount of our mental and emotional space?

Tags: abuse and trauma, eating disorders, relationships

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life https://counsellingresource.com/features/2017/11/27/the-inner-abuser/

Coping with Failure and Rejection When You’re a Perfectionist

Any creative person knows that pursuing meaningful work also means climbing aboard an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, you’re on top of the world, stepping out onto a stage, or hitting “publish” on a post. Then a disappointing email or a critical comment about your work sends you plunging into despair.

As a perfectionist with an honor-student complex trying to navigate the real world, I know these feelings very well. Those of us who pride ourselves on being goal-oriented can get so emotionally wrapped up in success that the results of our efforts start to dictate our happiness. We begin to over-identify with achievement.

It’s easy to stay motivated when things are going well in your career. But when you’ve invested your whole self in writing, the arts, or even starting your own business, falling short of expectations can be a major blow.

Unfortunately, we can’t always control the outcomes of our efforts. But we can better prepare ourselves for the possibility of failure. We can build resilience so that we keep striving even in the face of setbacks — the key is making your own emotional contingency plan.

WOOP it up

The WOOP method, created by psychology professors Gabriele Oettingen and Dr. Peter Gollwitzer of New York University, has been scientifically proven to improve everything from academic achievement to drug addiction. The strategy uses mental contrasting to help develop a concrete plan to achieve your goal, as well as how to recover if you don’t.

Here’s how it works:

1. Make a wish.

Choose a goal that’s important to you. It should be challenging yet realistically attainable.

“I want to finish writing 3,000 words by the end of month.”

2. Imagine an outcome.

Imagine the best result if this wish came true.

“I feel relieved and proud of myself because I’m making progress.”

3. Identify the obstacle.

Identify the main inner obstacle that stands in the way such as an emotion, irrational belief, or bad habit. What is it within you that holds you back from fulfilling your wish?

“I get distracted by email and social media, then beat myself up because I never get as much done as I want to.”

4. Make a plan.

Now create your contingency: If faced with (obstacle), then I will (take this effective action in response).

If I find myself avoiding writing, then I will: turn off wifi/ take a five minute walk to reset / commit to writing just 100 words, no matter what they are

Because it requires you to think ahead about likely pitfalls that may be demoralizing, the WOOP method helps you build an emotional contingency plan. By reframing obstacles as opportunities — not devastating roadblocks — you internalize failure less and can easily move past difficulties by following the action steps you’ve laid out.

Want to create your own Emotional Contingency Plan? Get a free template here.

Striking a balance

Another form of emotional contingency planning involves diversifying your goals. According to quality-of-life research, people experience higher levels of well-being when they have multiple goals across different life domains, and not just in one single area.

Essentially, this backs up the old adage “don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Going all-in on your professional pursuits may backfire, leaving you always teetering on the edge of emotional over-investment. But it’s hard to mope too long over a rejection letter if you’ve got a cooking class on the same night, and have plans to go on a camping trip with friends over the weekend.

In this way, it can be helpful to better to think of our lives as a “happiness pie,” comprised of different segments like career, family, health, friends, and community. Yes, some slices may be bigger than others. But ultimately it’s important to respect that each slice needs tending to if you want to optimize not only your success — but your sanity.

If you start to sense that work has too great a grip over your identity, bring things into balance by taking stock of each area of your life. Reflect on your commitments and priorities in categories like:

Money and finances

Professional projects

Friends and social ties

Learning and growth

Health and fitness

Service and contribution

Pleasure and fun

This approach prevents over-investment in any one area and makes sure your goals are balanced to nurture all parts of your life. When I notice my own workaholic tendencies flaring, I realize it’s a sign that my “happiness pies” needs attention and possibly recalibration. I ask myself if how I’m spending my time is an accurate reflection of my values.

You can do the same. If you claim that making time to be creative is important to you, yet your art supplies are gathering dust, what’s one action you could take in the next week to change that?

By the same token, positive momentum in one domain can benefit others. If you’re making a conscious effort to continually improve and push yourself out of your comfort zone, that confidence can spill over to other areas  —  what Stanford psychologist BJ Fogg calls “surfing the motivation wave.”

Put simply, when you feel good after reaching one goal, it’s easier to achieve others. The greater your motivational reserves, the more you have to draw from for emotional contingency when the going gets tough. So take the leap and try that guitar class, or try that yoga class  —  such pursuits may give you the confidence boost you need to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of a meaningful, and more perfect life.

Ready to fail proof your goals? Get The Free Template to Create Your Emotional Contingency Plan.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/27/coping-with-failure-and-rejection-when-youre-a-perfectionist/

Running from Our Problems

Running away has always seemed so much easier than facing the problems we have in life. We believe that, if we get ourselves as far away as possible, our problems won’t follow us. I once ran away every single time. I thought that I could one day outrun my problems and leave them in the dust so I could finally start living again.

There are a few ways we run away from problems. We might ignore it and pretend it’s not even there. This seems rather silly since it’s no different from a young kid closing his or her eyes thinking such an action makes whatever scares them go away. Yet, that hasn’t stopped us from doing exactly that by distracting ourselves with other things.

I have always enjoyed gaming, and I distracted myself through that activity. I enjoyed the feeling of being in an environment where I have more control over the outcome. The real world seems to have the odds heavily against me while games, especially single player, allows me to be in complete control and a simple reload lets me to right a certain mistake.

Another way we run away is through excuses and placing blames on others. This is one thing I despised about my old self because I made too many excuses and blamed others for it. Not once was I willing to take responsibility for what I have done and that has been the reason why my life kept going downhill the last few years.

Excuses are so easy to make. I can do it without much thought because I’ve made so many. I hate to admit it, but I have quite an archive of excuses I can use to “justify” a certain situation. Blaming others is equally easy for me to do. Yet, both of these methods were simply me running away. I never wanted to face the problems head on to finally deal with them.

Placing blame on others is actually worse since this can harm more people, too. What happens when we blame others for something that isn’t going our way? We think that they should also clean up our mess, too. After all, why should we clean up a mess made by others when we don’t have to? It’s much easier to leave them the mess and let them take care of it.

This actually results in a bigger mess since we antagonize other people in the process. We all have enough problems in our lives without making enemies and add more problems to our list. Working together to solve the problem together, assuming both parties are directly involved, is more logical but many people nowadays don’t have the patience to use such an approach.

I learned the hard way that running doesn’t solve anything. If anything, it makes the situation worse by allowing the problems to accumulate over time. When the problems eventually catch up to us, we find ourselves faced with something so overwhelming we don’t even know where to start. What began as a small issue suddenly grew into a giant that can level mountains with ease.

That’s basically what happened to me. I kept running and running while my problems, like a snowball rolling down the side of a snowy mountain, kept growing and growing. A snowball might hurt briefly, but I’ll live. When I’m hit by an avalanche, there’s no telling what might happen and I’m just finding out by living through the aftermath of my avalanche.

In life, we must deal with our problems. It’s easier to find a solution when it’s a small problem. If we break someone’s favorite vase or lose someone’s valuable collectible, we should be honest about it. It’s true that, in the short term, we have unfavorable outcomes but, at the very least, we won’t have something haunting us from our past and waiting to give us a nasty scare.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/26/running-from-our-problems/

Upgrading Your Communication Skills

You have a choice every time you say something to someone. By your choice of words, your tone of voice and your body language, you nurture or weaken a relationship.

Now I know a few people who will take this as bad news. “Are you suggesting that I have to watch what I say to people — even at home? I can’t just say what I think? You’ve got to be kidding.”

No, I’m not kidding. And I’m not suggesting that you need to be obsessive about monitoring your conversations. But, I’m still sticking to my point: how you communicate matters — a lot. Let’s look at an example.

She: What’s wrong? I know something’s bothering you. Why can’t you just talk about it? (angry tone of voice)

He: Nothing’s bothering me! Leave me alone! I just want some peace and quiet when I’m home. Is that too much to ask?

She: There you go again — slamming the door in my face. Leaving me out in the cold. (shaking her head in disdain) I’m sick of it.

He: (Silence. Checks his phone. More silence.)

She: What kind of a marriage is this? You don’t share anything with me. I don’t know what’s going on with you. And I don’t think you give a damn about me either. I’ve had it! (she yells, as she runs out of the room, slamming the door)

You can see where this “conversation” is headed. Batten down the hatches!

Now let’s imagine that she starts off with the same complaint, but because each person speaks respectfully, they end up in a very different place.

She: What’s wrong? I know something’s bothering you. I wish you could share it with me.

He: Nothing’s bothering me! I just had a stressful day and want time to relax. Would you just let me be for a while?

She: Okay. I can see something’s bothering you. If you need to retreat to your man cave, go. However, when you’re finished hibernating — which I hope will be soon — don’t forget — I’m here to listen.

He: I know, but I’m not like you. I don’t always want to yakety-yak about stuff.

She: Yeah, I know. You’re a quiet guy. But I need something more from you. It makes me feel so alone, left out and distant from you, when you don’t talk to me. You know, you don’t have to be such a loner and deal with everything by yourself.

He: Okay, I hear you. But right now, I’m zonked. Let me be and we’ll talk later after the kids are asleep.

She: Is that a promise?

He: Yes, it’s a promise.

What this couple did to de-escalate the conflict instead of escalating it, is that they used communication skills that truly make a difference. And in so doing, they made magic!

Now, I am one magician who takes pride in telling her secrets. So, here’s what those magical communication skills are:

• They stated their own needs without attacking their spouse.
• They listened respectfully to what their partner wanted.
• They asked respectfully for what they wanted.
• They didn’t use accusatory, nasty words.
• They didn’t catastrophize the conflict nor bring up past conflicts.
• They kept their voices light, even injecting some humor.
• They tabled the conflict until they could find a better time to deal with it.
• They respected differences in personality style and didn’t insist that “their way was the “right” way.
• They avoided playing the blame game.

Now it’s time for you to utilize these skills. Not an easy task. It takes skill to develop the ability to step back, take notice of your thoughts and feelings, view the bigger picture and make a decision about how you wish to communicate your concerns.

Relationships thrive or fail based upon what you say and how you say it. It’s never too late to learn more effective ways to communicate.

 ©2017

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/26/upgrading-your-communication-skills/

5 Effective Ways to Deal with Pressure

“The only pressure I’m under is the pressure I’ve put on myself.” – Mark Messier

You know the feeling right away when pressure builds up. Your chest feels tight and you can’t breathe. Your thoughts and your heart may be racing. You get a knot in the pit of your stomach. You may even feel a headache or migraine coming on. Not only that but you also start clipping your words, speaking in escalating tones to get your point across or vent your frustration, or becoming inordinately quiet because you can’t find the right words to say or don’t want to say anything. Everyone experiences pressure. And everyone can benefit from more effective ways to deal with it.

Stop piling it on yourself.

What most people don’t realize is that they heap an enormous amount of pressure on themselves. Yet, here’s a crucial point: Others aren’t responsible for this burdensome load – we are. If we didn’t pile it on repeatedly we’d probably feel less constricted, miserable and unfulfilled. It’s just that we have such grand expectations for ourselves or constantly put ourselves in situations where we’re bound to get in over our heads, and consequently feel the pressure to succeed despite knowing we can’t.

Reduce the self-imposed burden of too much to do.

Why not reduce some of that burden? Take a few items off the massive to-do list and concentrate on doing those that have some reasonable likelihood of getting done with a focused and concerted effort. That way, at least something productive will result that you can feel good about. It’s also true that a few small tasks completed will add up to a feeling of accomplishment just as much as putting the finishing touches on a large and/or complicated or complex task, project, undertaking, effort or pursuit.

Know when it’s time to get busy.

Sometimes, though, we need a little self-prodding to overcome procrastination and get down to business. In this respect, a small amount of self-induced pressure is a good thing. That is, if we do something about it and don’t allow the pressure to carry over day after day without tending to the job we need to do.

Learn to recognize how much pressure you’re comfortable with.

How do you know when pressure is just enough and not too much? Pressure is OK when it doesn’t cause you to lose sleep, get sick to your stomach, to lash out at others, to try to cope with self-destructive behavior like drinking too much, gambling, doing drugs or some other addictive behaviors or activity. If you recognize that you are the one applying the pressure and know that it’s for a limited-duration, short-term task or project, it might be just fine. Note the emphasis on the caveat. It might be fine, or it might not be. Self-evaluation during the activity or pursuit is an effective way to keep tabs on your comfort level with the pressure you feel.

Guard against always-present pressure.

Where you don’t want to land is in a state of perpetual pressure, especially when you’ve pressured yourself to be super-productive in a work or home situation. That’s highly detrimental to your overall physical, emotional and psychological well-being. When pressure builds up, you must take some time to release some of it.

• Go for a walk outside.
• Have coffee with a friend.
• Take in a movie.
• Read an enjoyable book.
• Get some extra sleep.
• Indulge in a massage.
• Engage in vigorous physical exercise.
• Stimulate your mind with challenging mental gymnastics – work a crossword puzzle, play a game of Trivial Pursuit with family or friends.
• Get in the practice of journaling.
• Meditate, do yoga, deep breathing exercises.
• Enrich your spirituality through prayer, thinking about your Higher Power, going to a religious institution.
• Talk it over with your trusted allies, loving spouse or family members, friends, a therapist.

These are all healthy ways to release unwanted pressure and to feel reinvigorated and refreshed afterward. Just remember that it isn’t the technique you use to help eliminate pressure, but that you do employ steps you’ve found effective in the past. In other words, instead of suffering with the self-imposed or other-imposed pressure, do something proactive to allow it to dissipate.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/26/5-effective-ways-to-deal-with-pressure/