The Vital Importance of Emotional Safety in Relationships

In a previous article I discussed how emotional safety is an essential foundation for intimate partnerships and close friendships. If we can deeply understand how intimacy gets disrupted, we can become more mindful about what it takes to create emotionally safe relationships. We’re wired with a human longing for secure, satisfying connections, but sadly, we may not be fully aware of how we create barriers to the intimacy we want.

Feeling emotionally safe means feeling internally relaxed and open. A nourishing intimacy can happen when barriers melt and hearts open, while also maintaining appropriate boundaries as necessary. When we’re intimate, we’re feeling connected. When we’re not connected, we feel distant, protective, or cautious.

Researcher John Gottman has identified criticism and contempt as intimacy-busters. In fact, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, according to Gottman. Whenever we diminish a person through hurtful criticisms or sarcasm, we trigger their self-protective mechanisms. Just as a flower won’t bloom until conditions are supportive, our tender self won’t bloom unless we feel internally safe. Consistent respect, kindness, and appreciation, which are antidotes to criticism and contempt, are necessary conditions for a deepening intimacy.

In romantic relationships, love is a good start. But if we want to enjoy a healthy, secure attachment and the enduring connection of mature love, we need to feel safe. Such safety creates a foundation for emotional and sexual intimacy.

Early in a romantic relationship, our sexual attraction is often strong. We may wonder why it has faded over time. We might conclude that this isn’t the right partner or perhaps stray into an affair.

One reason that attraction may lessen is the loss of emotional safety. Trust is a fragile flower. If we’re feeling frequently blamed or shamed rather than respected and cherished, our tender heart may go into hiding as we feel unsafe to show our vulnerable self.

We might think we should be stronger and just let things roll off our back. And in fact it may help to explore whether we’re taking things too personally, losing perspective, or feeling overly offended by light-hearted teasing. But hurtful teasing or shaming that poke our partner’s tender spots are likely to push him or her away, thereby frustrating our desire to connect.

If you’re experiencing a loss of emotional, sexual, or spiritual intimacy, you might want to explore your possible contribution to the dilemma. Are you feeling angry, hurt, or fearful and acting-out these feelings indirectly rather than expressing your feelings and needs in a non-blaming, mature way? Do you tend to react defensively or not take your partners feelings and preferences seriously enough? Is your partner distancing from you because you insist on being right, or you’re not listening respectfully, or you’re using words, body language (eye-rolling, head-shaking), or a denigrating tone of voice that raises your partner’s shields?

Building emotional safety begins by becoming mindful about what not to do in relationships. The subtle or not-so-subtle ways we blame, criticize, and shame people is kryptonite to intimacy. We may not be fully aware of the slow, steady drip of harm we inflict on our relationships by lashing out or being snarky in our communication.

Feeling emotionally safe allows us to feel free to share our feelings, thoughts, and desires without undue fear. It takes courage and mindfulness to understand the shadow parts of our psyche that might unknowingly sabotage our longing for love and connection. When two people are committed to the process of creating a nurturing, supportive relationship and are willing to develop the skills necessary to create a safe climate to do so (perhaps with the help of couples counseling), relationships are more likely to thrive and endure.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-vital-importance-of-emotional-safety-in-relationships/

How to Have a Healthier Relationship with Your Phone

Our phones are the first things we see in the morning and the last things we see at night. They’re regularly by our sides (and bedsides). Any time we’re waiting anywhere for anything, we automatically pull them out. At the checkout line. At the doctor’s office. At the bank. At the bus stop. In the car line. In front of the microwave. In front of others.

Basically, any time there’s a pause, we pull out our devices. And often we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Because it’s become a reflex.

We also turn to our phones when we’re bored and when we’re feeling blue. We turn to them when we’re lonely and unsure. We turn to them to ease our discomfort. We turn to them because they’ve been designed to get us hooked. They’ve been designed to hijack our minds like slot machines.

On average Americans spend more than 4 hours a day on their phones. Another study found that we check our phones once every 12 minutes. One in 10 people checks their phone every 4 minutes. Half of Americans check their phones in the middle of the night—unless you’re between 25 and 34 years old, and then it’s over 75 percent.

And all of this is changing us. Maybe you can relate to Catherine Price’s words in her must-read book How to Break Up with Your Phone: The 30-Day Plan to Take Back Your Life: “My attention span is shorter. My memory seems weaker. My focus flickers. Sure, some of this might be due to natural age-related changes in my brain. The more I thought about it, however, the more I began to suspect that there was an external factor at play—and that the factor was my phone.”

But the empowering thing is that we can change this. In How to Break Up with Your Phone Price lays out a specific daily plan for an entire month. Below are some of my favorite tips, insights and examples from Price’s important, practical, wise book.

Explore your current and ideal relationship. Price suggests reflecting on these questions: What do I love about my phone? What don’t I love about my phone? What changes do I notice—positive or negative—when I spend a lot of time on my phone? What changes have I noticed since getting my first smartphone?

Now imagine the future: What would I like my new relationship with my phone to look like? What would I like to have done with my extra time? What would I like someone to say about how I’ve changed?

Price even suggests writing our future selves a letter or email addressing what success would look like and/or congratulating ourselves for cultivating a healthier relationship with our phones.

Create poignant reminders. There are many small, yet significant ways that we can use our own phones to inspire a healthier relationship. Price recommends writing this question on a piece of paper: “What do you want to pay attention to?” Then take a photo, and make that photo your lock screen.

Or ask a loved one to hold the piece of paper, which might make a more powerful image. Whatever image you choose, “whenever you reach for your phone, you’ll be reminded to check in with yourself first,” Price writes.

Focus on fun offline-activities. Using your phone less means you have more time for other activities. According to Price, “Unless you have some sense of how you want to be spending this reclaimed time, you’re likely to feel anxious and possibly a bit depressed—and you’ll be at risk of sliding right back into your old habits.”

Think about what you love to do, and what you’ve always wanted to do. Think about what fascinates you, and the people you’d like to spend more time with. Then make a list of specific, fun things you can do—without your phone, of course. This might be anything from doing a crossword puzzle at a café to writing a short story to cooking a new dish to taking a hike.

Create new triggers. This helps you set yourself up for success, and makes it easier for you to do the things you aim to do. Price shares these examples in the book: If you’d like to read more, keep a book on your beside table or inside your bag. If you’re planning on meditating in the morning, decide beforehand how long you’ll meditate, what the focus of your meditation will be, and where you’ll meditate.

If you normally bring your phone into your room to soothe yourself to sleep, refocus on making your bedroom into a sanctuary in other ways (which really work): Buy a nice set of sheets, hang up calming pictures and use a lavender oil or spray.   

Exercise your attention span. “In order to undo the damage caused by the cumulative hours we spend on our phones, we need to restrengthen our attention spans—and engage in regular exercise (both mental and physical) to keep our brains in shape,” Price writes.

For instance, you might devote time to solely focusing on a single project or problem (while you’re walking somewhere, for instance). You might take a “music bath,” which is simply closing your eyes, listening to a favorite piece of music, and trying to pick out each instrument. You might write a letter to a loved one, or get lost in a book.

In fact, “over time, regular reading causes physical changes to the brain in areas responsible for reasoning, processing visual signals and even memory,” Price writes. It also encourages creativity and problem solving. 

Smartphones aren’t evil, of course. They help us do all sorts of cool, worthwhile things—everything from sending an important email while away from our desks to communicating with our families over FaceTime.

But many of us also turn to our phones way too much and for way too long—and our phones can stop us from paying attention to what really matters: our relationships (with others and with ourselves), our emotions, our creative ideas.

The key is to rethink your relationship with your phone: What does it currently look like? What meaningful changes do you want to make?

For Price, reducing screen time has sharpened her focus and it’s meant more time engaging in genuinely fulfilling activities.

“And I’ve learned that, just as light will fade a photograph, spending too much time on my phone was sapping color from my experience,” Price writes. “The more I pay attention to the actual world around me, the more vividness returns.” Maybe you will find the same.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-have-a-healthier-relationship-with-your-phone/

The Positive Side of Fear

How often have you heard that “magic happens outside the comfort zone”? Well, maybe not that exact line, per se, but there seems to be various reiterations of that sentiment. They say to not let fear stand in our way. To rise above. To not let fear of falling bring us down (I think that was actually a song lyric from my college graduation montage.)

In any case, the self-help psychology market often urges us to transcend our fears and to conquer what’s in front of us.

For the most part, that’s not bad advice. (And I’ve read plenty of personal development blogs over the years, too.) If we have certain desires, and fears and anxieties interfere, then logically speaking, we absolutely can work to resolve these emotional issues.

However, it’s not always black-and-white.

Sometimes, there’s a line. A line between overcoming what we are afraid of and abstaining from what generates fear. That line is what brings me to writing this very blog post.

I tend to think that, at times, fear can be our body’s way of communicating a problem and it’s only natural for us to listen to our body and avoid said problem. Fear can easily be an emotional message that tells us to stay away from red-flagged situations, from situations outside our comfort zone that are not conducive to our emotional well-being, let alone feel “magical.”

And that’s okay.

I don’t think we lose points for not daring ourselves to be uncomfortable. Sometimes, being comfortable trumps the alternative, and it’s at these junctures that I want to listen to my body’s form of communication. It’s during these moments that I want to follow the instinct that says, “Hey Lauren, I know it’s cool that you’re leaving your comfort zone and trying something new and challenging yourself, but maybe you’re taking it too far here. Maybe it’s not really worth the fear and anxiety that you’re feeling due to the discomfort.”

In such circumstances, fear can be our friend. Fear is a warning signal that is instructing us to tread carefully, to avoid something that might be emotionally problematic. Fear is trying to help us navigate situations that can be overwhelming — and for good reason. Fear is not always a feeling that needs to be thwarted and transcended.

I’ve come across writing by Lissa Rankin, M.D., a NY Times bestselling author, wellness agent, and physician who talks about the beneficial aspects of fear.

She discusses how fear is certainly essential to our survival. Just how our ancestors needed to flee in dangerous situations, we too listen to fear when we come face-to-face with a deadly dilemma. Rankin labels this, “true fear.”

When true fear manifests, we don’t even contemplate how to take action, we just instinctively listen to the fear and make sure we are out of harm’s way. That being said, we don’t exactly find ourselves being chased by wild animals often, nor are we on the edge of a literal cliff frequently (At least I’d hope not.)

“True fear can also be subtle,” Rankin says. “True fear may show up as an intuitive knowing that says, ‘I’m not letting my child spend the night at that person’s house.’ It can show up as a dream, an inner voice, or a gut feeling that something bad is about to happen.”

In scenarios that do not reflect true fear, Rankin explains that this brand of fear, while not rooted in immediate danger, can still alert us to problems that we may want to pay attention to; in this kind of situation, fear can become our teacher.

This is what I hope this blog post can convey. Fear that arises in our lives is not always meant to be overcome. It’s not always the enemy, meant to be stopped in its tracks. It’s not alway meant to be associated with the self-help psychology that dares us to challenge ourselves. (Rise above!)

On the contrary, fear can teach us how to move forward and how to rein in distress. Fear can be an inner voice, an inner voice that is hoping to communicate an important message when the comfort zone line becomes rather blurry.

Fear can be an inner voice that can ultimately help us.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-positive-side-of-fear/

I Don’t Know How to be Sorry: Shame Part 3

In my last blog post, I wrote about shame-proneness, the propensity to experience shame in response to ambiguous situations that elicit self-evaluation. For example, if Patrick failed a test and he thought “damn, I didn’t study hard enough; I’ll study more for the next one,” this would suggest that he felt guilt. But if he thought “damn, you really are a loser; you’ll never be able to do this,” this would suggest that he felt shame. When internal narratives of shame are not transient; when feeling small, worthless and insignificant permeate all experience, this is shame-proneness, which has long term adverse consequences.

When Mark and Claire came into session, I felt the tension immediately. I gave them each an opportunity to share why they had come in. Both described a history of explosive arguments and interpersonal volatility followed by calm reconciliations, then a rise in tension, then another eruption filled with angry tirades and verbal assaults.

“When he says he’s sorry I always want to believe him. He seems so sincere, but it never sticks. And I never know when things will explode again. Coming to couple’s therapy is our last chance.”

Mark looked down the whole time Claire spoke, then with his face tight he said, “What do you want me to say. I tell you I’m sorry and it’s never enough. Nothing is ever enough and it’s your fault too. This isn’t all me.”

As I listened to their interaction, and assessed their interpersonal dynamic, I heard statements of blame thrown back and forth, which is common early in couple’s therapy, but I also heard Mark’s failure to empathize.

The ability to follow through on “I’m sorrys” implies guilt, because genuine guilt indicates the desire for reparation. In emotionally abusive relationships, such as Mark and Claire’s, what looks like contrition (which implies guilt) is really the voice of shame. If Mark had truly been able to experience Claire’s feelings (empathy), he’d feel guilty. He’d be able to tolerate the painful introspections that often lead to repair.

But their cycle continued, over and over, even after Mark said he was sorry. When this happens, it means that shame is masquerading as guilt. Shame undermines the ability to empathize with another’s emotions. Empathy requires transcending the interpersonal boundary and experiencing the emotions of another. Because shame is so painful, it disallows this from happening and instead, when the self-evaluative discomfort comes, it gets projected back onto the other; so, instead of seeing the other as the victim, they are seen as the perpetrator and hence the cycle continues.

While studying the relationship between shame, guilt and empathy, I found that there were two categories of empathy. Shame-empathy, which looks like empathy, but isn’t, because it’s not motivated by the pain of hurting someone else, but rather by the distress and fear of losing the other. It’s a self-focused experience, not an interpersonal one. Guilt-empathy, (what we think of when we think of empathy), on the other hand, leads to feeling the others pain and not wanting to do it again.

I heard Mark projecting blame. I watched his discomfort when Claire voiced her concerns. I noticed that he quickly retaliated for the smallest slight. I knew then that this was going to be a huge challenge. Empathy is fundamental to healthy relationships. When I work with couples where one has underlying shame, I know the only way it will heal is if empathy can be garnered, which means the shame needs to be processed. That type of examination is a slippery slope, because any introspection can cause more shame and more defensiveness.

I asked Mark, “What are feeling right before you respond to Claire?”

“I – I. Angry.”

“Can you say more?”

“Angry that she says those things to me. What does she want from me. If she’s going to blame me for everything, why are we even here.”

“I didn’t hear her blame you for everything.”

He folded his arms. “You’re taking her side.”

“There are no sides. My job is look at what’s happening and help you both communicate better. I have a feeling that the things Claire says make you feel bad about yourself.”
“That’s right. She’s always making me feel bad about myself.”

“I don’t mean to do that,” Claire said. “I have to be able to tell you how I feel and whenever I do, you get angry.”

“That’s not true,” Mark raised his voice. “You don’t tell me how you feel. You tell me about all of the shitty things I’ve done. What about all of the good things I do for you.”

“What do you imagine Claire is feeling right now?” I asked Mark.

“Satisfied that she got me to show you my angry side.”

“She looks like she’s about to cry. Do you see that.”

“She does that to make me feel bad.”

“You can’t see that she’s also hurting?”

“That’s because she always makes everything about her. I’m so sick of it.”

Tears rolled down Claire’s cheeks.

“Stop it,” he said. “You’re making me feel bad.”

I let this go on for a few more minutes and then I explained that I needed both of them to enter individual therapy and offered referrals.

Mark insisted that there was nothing wrong with him and that therapy took up too much time. I told them both that we weren’t going to be able to move forward in couples work unless they dealt with their individual issues.

Mark looked furious.

With some trepidation, I said, “I’m thinking that people have said things that made you feel bad as a kid. That’s not your fault, but it’s making everything you hear Claire say feel like the same harsh words. And Claire, without intending, the constant focus on what’s wrong with Mark is emasculating and evoking shame. I want you both to speak with your own therapists, otherwise this is never going to stop.”

They both conceded.

We agreed to continue our couple’s therapy, which I knew would be a difficult journey. It’s hard to get to the shame, but without doing so, empathy will remain compromised. The more Mark understood his shame, the greater his ability would be to recognize and experience Claire’s emotions within the context of their relationship. And the more he could empathize, the more Claire would feel her emotions were heard and valid. The more she felt that she had a right to her feelings the less likely she would be dissatisfied.

* Claire and Mark are amalgamates created to show the relationship between shame, guilt and empathy.  

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/i-don-t-know-how-to-be-sorry-shame-part-3

Be Careful When Calling Those Addiction Treatment Hotlines

You have to love a guy dressed up in surgical scrubs with a stethoscope trying to sell you addiction treatment services. You know, those seedy inpatient rehab facilities that claim they can self-police their own horrible, terrible marketing practices.

But as this television commercial, that’s been airing for years on cable TV, clearly demonstrates, there remains very little that’s ethical about addition treatment marketing. That’s especially true if you get suckered into calling one of those addiction treatment hotlines you see on TV or on a website.

As we noted in August 2018, the rehab industry still needs federal oversight and regulation. That’s because it’s shown a curious detachment from the typical morals and ethics that govern most industries whose job it is to help people get well.

Enter The Addiction Network. Ostensibly some sort of referral network that treatment centers need to pay in order to be a part of, it runs laughable television commercials on cable TV, preying on people who don’t understand how the rehab industry’s aggressive treatment referral pipeline works.

Who Is the Addiction Network & Why Should You Trust Them?

The Addiction Network appears to be just a service of Pro Media Group, a “direct response marketing and advertising agency” in Miami, Florida. That’s right — you’re getting your addiction treatment referral from a marketing and advertising company.

The registered corporate manager of The Addiction Network LLC in Florida is one Jonathan Peress, an executive vice president at Pro Media Group.

The only web presence I could find of “The Addiction Network” is at makeamericasoberagain.com. That site says it was created by “Soap Creative Services.” Soap Creative Services’ CEO is Anthony Provenzano, according to Florida corporate records. And the owner of the website is registered to a company called “Winston Wolfe Media Group” and, yes, the same Anthony Provenzano. Tony also just happens to be a senior vice president at Pro Media Group.

Why are there so many shell companies involved in this effort, all seemingly owned or run by the same people at Pro Media Group? We reached out to the company for comment, and our call was returned by their attorney who wanted to understand the type of article we were writing before the company would respond to our questions. When asked about the multitude of companies, the attorney replied:

The Addiction Network offers an umbrella of products by being able to utilize the specific resources of multiple different companies. Soap Creative Services owns and maintains trademarks, intellectual property and copyright material and partners with the Addiction Network to license the use of this data. Promedia and Winston Wolfe are third party advertising and consulting agencies that assist in the management of media and technology for the Addiction Network.

Which doesn’t do much to explain why the principals of these other companies are all senior management at ProMedia.

What Happens When You Call?

I decided to call the number that flashed on my screen during a TV commercial break one weekday evening earlier this month. The number connected me to Treatment Management Behavioral Health. I called twice just to make sure I would get connected to the same referral service. (Your number may be different in your commercials, depending upon your geographical location, and you may be connected to a different company.)

The company is part of an enormous rehab empire called Treatment Management Company that is apparently owned by Bryan Deering, according to The Verge:¹

But those aren’t the only businesses in Aid in Recovery’s network. Company filings and court records reveal a tangled web of holding companies within blandly named holding companies, adding up to a multimillion-dollar rehab business, all tied together by an LLC called Treatment Management Company. It spans four states, and includes phone rooms, urinalysis labs, detoxes, and rehabs. All of them are connected to one man, Bryan Deering, a millionaire who made his money in concrete.

The concerning thing wasn’t that I was connected to something that clearly wasn’t “The Addiction Network.” No, far more worrisome was that I after had hung up on them (twice), they called me back immediately. They also left a voicemail:

Hi, this is Chris with Treatment Management Behavioral Health. We actually had a missed call from this number, someone called us twice and nobody said anything. If you or a loved one are struggling with drugs or alcohol, please feel free to give us a call at this toll-free number, it’s open 24/7. It is 866-XXX-XXXX. Thank you very much and I hope you have a good night.

Polite, right? But oh so wrong.

The Ethics of Returning an Unknown Call for Treatment Services

As any first year graduate student in psychology can tell you, privacy and confidentiality are significant concerns of anyone seeking treatment services for a behavioral health or substance abuse issue. Many people don’t want their family — or even partner — knowing that they are getting or seeking out treatment. That is their right and is considered protected health information under the law.

A professional should never call back an individual and leave any identifying information about the service they’re calling from, because the person might be in an abusive situation. You just don’t know. The person may have called from a shared home telephone number. Leaving identifying information could open the victim up to further, additional abuse.

This is, in my opinion, a grievous violation of a person’s privacy in contacting one of these numbers. Yet the person whom I called back seemed entirely unaware or unconcerned about the issue. He just wanted his referral. Nowhere in the advertisement did it say that if you call that number and change your mind and hang up, they will automatically call you right back. (And trust me, I had to pause the TV commercial and get out a magnifying glass to read the tiny legal print that appears at the end of The Addiction Network’s ad.)

Now, had I been an abusive husband who is dealing with alcohol addiction and my wife had just tried calling this referral line, I’d have reason to believe my wife just betrayed me. And sadly what follows in this hypothetical situation isn’t all that difficult to imagine.

I received a second call-back from the same addiction treatment referral company, this time from a woman. After I began suggesting to this person that calling a person back twice to check on their referral, they handed the phone over to Chris, the same guy who left the voicemail. He got into a discussion with me about whether it’s a violation of a person’s confidentiality or privacy by calling someone back about “addiction services” to an anonymous number that contacted them and left absolutely no message.

To me, this is very simple. Therapists and addiction treatment referral people should not make any assumptions about the people who contact them. And there is no relationship established just because I call your number and hang up. Assuming it is perfectly okay to contact someone who hung up on you without saying a word — and leave a voicemail message — is wrong. Doing it twice is doubly wrong.

When I spoke with him, Chris did justify their behavior as the industry standard. “Hey, if you call any of the other referral services, they’ll do the same thing.”

That’s exactly the point. This isn’t a problem with just one company. While it’s easy to single out the service that put their telephone number on the TV commercial I viewed, this is symptomatic of an endemic problem throughout the treatment addiction industry.

What Can Be Done?

When I asked the company’s attorney about who a consumer could turn to in order to complain about the way they were treated by someone at The Addiction Network, she replied: “Consumers can always reach out to management at the Addiction Network to voice concerns about any third party, however, the Addiction Network does not own, operate, manage or is otherwise involved with the services offered by treatment facilities.” I’m not sure how a consumer is supposed to find “management” of this company, given that they have no website or contact information? The lawyer did note they only work with Joint Commission-accredited facility — demonstrating quite clearly how little such accreditation means in the real world. The Joint Commission does a horrible job of policing the addiction treatment industry.

Everyone deserves better from the rehab and addiction treatment industry. Especially the people most at risk, watching these kinds of low-budget ridiculous TV commercials featuring a fake surgeon encouraging someone to get addiction treatment.

I know the industry means well — but it can do better. I encourage them to re-evaluate these kinds of practices. I encourage them to take into account that they are dealing with real people’s lives here. In their relentless effort to get their next $200+ referral fee, they may unintentionally be putting someone at risk.

Footnotes:

1. Treatment Management Behavioral Health is apparently accredited by the Joint Commission (another demonstration that credentials often mean little).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/be-careful-when-calling-those-addiction-treatment-hotlines/

Best of Our Blogs: October 30, 2018

It’s that time of year when I dedicate this blog to the things that terrify us. Normally it’s saved for those suffering from anxiety and mental illness. But fear over our state of the world is making everyone vulnerable.

As you gear up for Halloween, read how you can damper down or tame these fears by learning ways to address electronic use with your children, and how to stop our own anxiety from scaring our kids.

Yes there are legitimate reasons to be afraid these day. But there are also reasons to live with love and hope. We have more alternative treatments options available. And even as the news reports another tragedy, I’ve seen evidence in my own hometown of greater acceptance, support and unity.

Characteristics Commonly Found in “Alienated” Parents (or other Alienated Relationships)
(The Recovery Expert) – If you’re being rejected by your child, you probably exhibit one of these typical traits.

How a Traumatic Childhood Manifests in Social Anxiety
(Psychology of Self) – Did you know there are two types of people who suffer from social anxiety? This is your guide to understanding what it looks like and where it came from.

The Insidious Connection Between Electronics Use and Childhood Emotional Neglect
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – It’s the one aspect of childhood emotional neglect you didn’t consider. Here’s how you can start using electronics in a more emotionally responsible way.

How Our Society Is Creating Anxious Kids: The Challenges For Parents
(Thoughts of a Therapist) – If you’re a parent, you need to read this.

10 Reasons a Person Divorces
(The Exhausted Woman) – Here’s how to know whether you should consider divorce.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-october-30-2018/

Using Classical Conditioning to Fall Out of Love With Someone

Yes, it’s possible.

After a devastating breakup, it’s normal to still feel in love with your ex — you wouldn’t have been with them if you didn’t. And it takes a lot of time to get over that, move on, and learn how to fall out of love.

Founder of Relationship Psychology, John Alex Clark, shared some techniques in order to help the broken-hearted fall out of love with that someone. Yes, it’s possible to learn how to fall out of love with someone just by using a psychology concept called classical conditioning.

Writes Clark:

“Getting over a breakup can be a lot like quitting smoking. When a person chooses to give up a habit like smoking, the initial few days is always the hardest to overcome. Fortunately, it gets easier with time, patience, and practice.”

The Reason Human Beings Fall Out of Love Is Actually Really Sad

To start off, after a breakup, there is always something that will remind you of your ex. It can be a place, food, or even a certain time. The ex was a part of your life, so it’s normal to have these things remind you of them.

In order to fall out of love, Clark says that you must destroy these associations.

“People usually make mental bonds between two experiences, associating one with the other,” he says. “Certain situations or places can trigger an emotional response based on past incidents.”

In short, you must disassociate these places, food, or times from the memory of your ex. For example, if you and your ex always visited this one restaurant, going to that restaurant post-breakup is now painful because you see them everywhere. Instead of avoiding the restaurant like the plague, you could think about the good food and the friendly atmosphere.

“For each positive experience you connect to that once-painful place, the suffering declines,” explains Clark. “Your new, pleasant memories take its place and slowly you no longer make those identifications with your ex.”

Continue with this exercise each time, and soon enough, the painful feeling associated with the place will decline, replaced instead with the positive feelings.

The Oddly Effective Way to Get Over Someone & Fall More Deeply in Love With Yourself

Clark is also aware that this classical conditioning technique will not be easy for everyone, nor will it have the same positive results on everyone. So, you must embrace the pain of the heartbreak, but eventually, try to move on by disassociating these things from your ex.

“The more you brood over your suffering, the deeper you push it into your subconscious, making it harder to uproot when you’re finally ready to move on,” he says.

So embrace the pain and allow yourself to feel sad for now. But eventually, you have to start moving on again. Before you know it, the love you felt for your ex will be but a distant memory.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Fall Out Of Love, Using A Psychological Technique.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/using-classical-conditioning-to-fall-out-of-love-with-someone/

The Complex Case for Inpatient Psychiatric Care

Amidst the cat pics and political memes, the images of my former elementary school classmates’ children, now elementary school students themselves, there will be a link to a mental health article smushed in there on my Facebook wall. Sometimes, usually against my better judgment, I click on it, because click-bait is just so deliciously clickable. Today, I made the mistake of clicking on an article written by Noam Shpancer, PhD, a psychologist and professor at Otterbein University. The article detailed the experience of a psychotic loved one who spent a brief time in an inpatient psychiatric hospital.

In his piece, originally published by Psychology Today, Dr. Shpancer finds fault with just about everything about the psychiatric facility in question, including, but not limited to: the aesthetics of the inpatient milieu (“Every wall and piece of furniture screamed, ‘institution!’”), the psychiatric technicians (“poorly-trained”), the restrictive policies related to contraband, (“Not only were phones and other electronic devices not allowed for patients, visitors weren’t allowed to bring them in either. Our bags were searched as we entered. The safety (or therapeutic) rationale for this procedure was not clear.”), the lighting, “dim”… I could go on, but you can, and should, read Dr. Shpancer’s article for yourself.

I worked at an inpatient, crisis psychiatric hospital for five years, and my eyes were open. They saw things not wholly dissimilar to the things Dr. Shpancer’s loved one saw, and that he saw during his visiting time with her (he complains about visiting hours, too). I would never claim that many of Dr. Shpancer’s observations about this particular psychiatric hospital do not also accurately describe my own experiences at the hospital where I worked. My building was drab and impersonal, too. Some psych techs did not orient their patients properly onto the inpatient unit when they were admitted. Some groups were absurd, poorly-run, and childish. Some staff members should not be allowed to work with people, let alone people with mental health challenges. There is good and bad everywhere.

And this is precisely the issue I take with Dr. Shpancer: nowhere in his diatribe does he write one single mitigating sentence, not one word to offer a different perspective other than an irate family member. Not once does he say that many psychiatric technicians, nurses, therapists, and other frontline staff workers are doing their best given insurmountable difficulties, daily heartbreak, insidious, recurrent disease, poor funding, apathetic politicians, staffing shortages, burnout, trauma exposure, and on and on and on. Nowhere does he write that psychiatric hospitals, despite their faults, and there are faults, save lives — that, without them, individuals with SPMI (serious and persistent mental illness) would be arrested and be sent to jail and, in many parts of the country without inpatient psych facilities, that is exactly what happens.

Why is the furniture institutional? Because it’s inside an institution — because psych hospital furniture gets peed on, and thrown, and because patients will try to use it to harm themselves.

Why are cellphones not permitted? Because psychiatric patients call the police, and the FBI, and the White House, and threaten their family members, and it’s much easier for the ward clerk to flip a switch and shut the phones off when that happens. Oh, and cellphones also have these things called cameras and they’re connected to the internet, so maybe giving patients in a psychiatric hospital a tool with which they could commit HIPAA violations and violate people’s right to privacy isn’t such a hot idea.

Why are visitors searched? So that they can’t bring in items of contraband; items that a patient could use to hurt him or herself, or someone else. Because it isn’t a secure environment if it isn’t secured.

Why do private, non-profit psychiatric hospitals look “drab, impersonal, and ill-lit”? I wrote grants and did fundraising for a private, non-profit psychiatric hospital for two years. It’s not exactly the easiest sell to donors and foundations. I encourage Dr. Shpancer to try his hand at that and see how much money comes rolling in to support the mission and pay for charming enhancements to the corridors and rooms. And if Dr. Shpancer thinks that insurance companies and patients are paying out tons of money to private psych facilities; that’s not happening. Most of the money comes from Medicaid reimbursements and county funding, and they aren’t exactly swimming in that.

Why are visiting hours so short? Visitors tie up everyone at the hospital, from the crisis worker who has to sign them in, identify them, search them, store their belongings, to the psych tech who has to escort them onto the unit and keep track of them, to the roundsperson who has to watch to make sure the visit is proceeding appropriately and that nobody is getting escalated or heated, to the psychologist who has to try to meet with family members when they are present, to the staff member who has to escort them off the unit. There is only so much that can be done in such a setting, in the most restrictive setting, and that is what inpatient hospitalization is: it is the most restrictive setting and, plain and simple, that’s not going to be a super nice experience for anybody involved. It isn’t super nice for staff either.

But for Dr. Shpancer to make sweeping generalizations about inpatient psychiatric hospitalization on the basis of one experience that wasn’t even his, and to not make any statements that mitigate his ire in any way is irresponsible. His essay will dissuade individuals who need help from seeking it, and it will convince family members and friends of people who need help not to involuntarily commit their loved one or friend, and that is dangerous.

I will say it for anybody to hear it: inpatient psychiatric hospitalization should be the option of last resort. Inpatient hospitalization can be traumatizing, and it can be ugly. There are myriad ways to intervene with an individual who is in a mental decline; therapy, warm lines, support groups, interventions, clergy, employee assistance programs, mobile crisis, etc. But when a person is an immediate danger to himself or another person, or is bereft of their ability to care for themselves, inpatient hospitalization is necessary. I heard time and time again from patients, “Yeah, it sucked, but this place saved my life.” And that’s the bottom line.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-complex-case-for-inpatient-psychiatric-care/

Listen to This if You’ve Ever Played the Mental Illness Suffering Olympics

Gabe’s granny likes to say that the only thing you need to start a competition is two people. And while we all accept that people like to compete over their successes – who’s faster, prettier, or richer – it may come as a surprise to you that some folks compete over who is sicker.

Gabe dubs this contest “the suffering Olympics” and readily admits to having played this game, himself. “I wanted to prove I was sicker and it seemed important I was the sickest person in the room,” Gabe said after realizing what he was doing. “The reality is that we are all suffering, we are all afraid, and sharing those experiences doesn’t need to turn into a competition. In fact, it’s much, much healthier to not compete.”

In this episode of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast, Gabe and Michelle discuss who has it worse: Gabe for living with bipolar disorder or Michelle for battling schizophrenia. It shouldn’t surprise anyone how ridiculous such a discussion sounds. Listen in and learn from the two most competitive mentally ill people we know.

 

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“Would you date someone with schizophrenia or bipolar?”

 

Highlights From ‘Mental Illness Suffering Olympics’ Episode

[0:30] Gabe and Michelle play the suffering Olympics.

[3:00] Gabe tells a ridiculous conference story.

[6:10] Michelle makes the case that people with schizophrenia “have it worse.”

[7:00] Gabe counters that people living with bipolar have a harder time and suffer more.

[10:00] The debate rages on, with each side describing the negatives of each mental illness.

[15:00] Gabe & Michelle take a moment to consider the appropriateness of this conversation.

[17:00] Michelle tells the story of how she made a woman cry.

[19:30] Gabe & Michelle discuss what makes them different from each other and take a moment to reflect on what they have in common.

 

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

 

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/listen-to-this-if-youve-ever-played-the-mental-illness-suffering-olympics/

The Pressure Cooker Before College: How to Navigate and Actually Help Your Teen

The senior year countdown to college brings out parents’ worries and fears alongside teens’ own anxieties and self-doubt. During this time of escalating pressure and stress in families, parents can fall into common traps that defeat their intention to help and interfere with teens developing capacities that are the foundation for succeeding once they’re at college.

When the dynamics associated with these traps are at play, parents become part of the problem rather than a resource for help. Approaches that seem instinctive, or even necessary, paradoxically derail teens and increase their need to avoid parents. Awareness of these traps and being prepared with positive alternatives empowers parents to brings out the best in teens, install an experience of parents as someone they can turn to later on, and foster psychological growth that makes it more likely that teens will adapt to college.

Common parenting traps:

Trap 1. Overfocus on achievement, getting into a prestigious college, and/or pursuing the right career path.

It’s easy to get caught in the frenzy to get teens into the most competitive college or be blinded by our own vision for them. Teens are embedded in a cultural agenda where success is defined by perfectionism, status, and how things appear. But parents’ attitude and state of mind can either ground them or ramp up the pressure.  

The fear driven need to “secure” our teen’s future sets up a high stakes’ equation with dire consequences if they don’t live up to expectations – not the least of which is catastrophically disappointing their parents and “failing in life.” Here teens internalize a lack of faith – increasing their own insecurity and uncertainty about their future as well as compounding confusion about who they are and who they should be. Further, when teens are overwhelmed and anxious, executive functions shut down — making it harder to stay on track.   

Imposing our own agenda onto teens breeds superficial compliance, passivity, and internal angst whereas supporting teens’ evolving identity fosters sustainable self-motivation, curiosity, and purpose. Through being calm and open-minded, parents can nurture resilience and flexibility in teens — capacities associated with success and mental health — rather than perpetuate the myth that everything rides on a particular decision or path.

Positive alternative:

• Practice letting go of trying to control the outcome.
• Have faith.
• Envision scenarios that differ from what you had imagined.
• Leverage teens’ own positive motivation and don’t use fear tactics.
• Focus on being in the present moment  .
• Work on calming your anxiety and being a responsive, “non-anxious presence” (Stixrud, 2014).
• Allow easy interactions: make it a point to not have the majority of your contact consist of you bringing up stressful topics, reminding teens to do things, or questioning them.

Trap 2: Seeing teens as a finished product and panicking that it’s your last chance to impact them.

Teens are a work in progress. They will continue to change and mature. If we look back at our own lives or have ever gone to a high school reunion, we’re reminded that our high school selves do not have to determine or foreshadow our future. Exaggerating the stakes at this juncture is a sign of loss of perspective and creates a counterproductive atmosphere of panic, pressure and doom. Alternatively, a climate of acceptance, faith, and possibility is not only more grounded in reality but expands teen’s psychological bandwidth and capacity for recovery and perseverance in the face of a range of outcomes.

Repetitive focus on issues you’ve never had traction with before not only demoralizes teens, but causes parent burnout and erodes the relationship. Alternatively, noticing your teen’s genuine strengths builds on their competencies and successes, helps insulate them when facing weaknesses, and promotes improved performance and attitude.

This approach gives teens a positive experience of being around you before they leave home which not only generates inner security, but will allow them to reach out to you when they’re on their own (since parenting is not over yet). When teens leave home, their relationship with parents has the potential to become more peaceful, less conflictual, and closer — and frequently does. With autonomy a given and physical separation providing needed distance, control struggles become less relevant, parents are forced to let go, and teens are freed up to be more receptive.

Positive alternative:

• Notice your teens’ strengths and competence.
• Appreciate the good in your teen.
• Create opportunities to spend time with teens by offering to do things they like or that they will find helpful (take them out to eat, give them a ride) but on their schedule and not from a position of neediness.

Trap 3. Taking charge of teens: rescuing or being a stand in for them.

Teens on the performance treadmill who “succeed” without incident in high school, but fail to develop a secure sense of self, may crash with less support in college when faced with increasing challenges and disappointment. Without a realistic sense and acceptance of their own strengths and weaknesses, or the skills to deal with inevitable “failures,” teens will be ill-equipped to cope (Margolies, 2013). Taking charge of their lives for them deprives teens of the space to learn how to manage themselves, solve problems, and try out what they can do while still at home.

To be helpful, parents must find a way to have faith, let go of (the illusion of) control, and respect teens’ separateness from them — bearing the feelings of loss inherent to this transition. In an improved parenting model, your teen is in the role of director of his own life — with you as consultant, not owner. This approach not only reduces struggles and empowers parents to be more effective, but positions the relationship to be compatible with a structure that will work when they’re at college.

Instead of imparting wisdom, telling them what to do, or doing things for them — parents’ role is to facilitate teens finding their own way and help them think things through. This involves being a “non-anxious”, non-intrusive, but available and responsive presence — letting teens take the lead about how, and when, you can help.

Teens are more likely to interact when parents show an unbiased interest in their opinions, what they enjoy, and their expectations of themselves — from a stance of curiosity without an agenda — demonstrating respect for their separateness and boundaries.

This parenting approach supports teens’ ability to reflect, weigh options, and make decisions from an internal sense of themselves — cultivating autonomy, identity, and competence (Nagaoka et al., 2015). By promoting the development of internal scaffolding, parents offer teens real protection in the form of greater capacity to master future challenges.  

Positive alternative:

• Let your teen be responsible for his life.
• Offer, don’t impose, help and consider timing — following your teen’s lead.
• Prioritize investing in your future relationship, rather than struggles.
• Promote autonomy and mastery — the building blocks of self-motivation (Nagaoka et al., 2015).
• Help teens discover themselves — the basis for good decisions (Nagaoka et al., 2015).
• Trust that your teen wants his life to work out, is doing the best he can (different from your best) and will find his way.

These traps all involve a loss of perspective — fueled by fear, blurred boundaries, and overidentification with teens. When we’re anxious and overly focused on external goals, it restricts our field of vision — and we lose sight of our teen as a person. Teens of parents who are caught up in these dynamics talk about feeling alone, despite how involved their parents are. They experience their parents as out of touch with who they are and how they feel inside — unaware of what life is like for them day to day, what they care about, how they think and feel, and what’s important to them.

Our values and mindset are transmitted to our children, not by telling them how much we support them, but through our own emotional state and through what we notice, are impressed with, and praise or discourage in them. Unless teens internalize the subjective feeling of being accepted and supported they will be vulnerable to concealing and hiding in fear/shame when they’re in trouble or need help — a frequent cause of unforeseen difficulties at college that spiral out of control. A positive relationship as experienced by teens is the number one way to invest in their future because it allows parents to stay relevant and impact them even when they’re no longer a captive audience.

References:

Margolies, L. (2013). The Paradox of Pushing Kids to Succeed. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-paradox-of-pushing-kids-to-succeed/

Nagaoka, J., Farrington, C.A., Ehrlich, S.B., Heath, R.D. (June 2015). Foundations for young adult success: a developmental framework. Concept paper for research and practice. Retrieved from https://consortium.uchicago.edu/publications/foundations-young-adult-success-developmental-framework

Stixrud, William R. (2014, November). Teaching the Stressed, Wired and Distracted Teenage Brain. Paper presented at the Learning and the Brain Conference: Focused, Organized Minds: Using Brain Science to Engage Attention in a Distracted World, Boston, MA.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-pressure-cooker-before-college-how-to-navigate-and-actually-help-your-teen/

Does Marriage Have to Be Boring?

Have you heard that marriage can get boring? This doesn’t need to happen, but it can feel ho-hum when things have gotten way too predictable. Routines are important, but this doesn’t mean that the thrills have to end.

By trying out activities that are different from your usual ones, you’ll enjoy the comfort of some routines and also stay enjoy enough stimulation to keep you thriving.    

Zest Is Contagious

By doing things that bring a sense of joie de vivre, we sparkle. Our aliveness is contagious. It will spice things up for both of you. So take a break from the usual and do something different, even if it doesn’t feel comfortable at first.

When my husband and I took a family vacation in Hawaii, we went most places with our toddler son. We also each went on an outing individually while the other stayed with him.

Although David occasionally plays golf near home, playing on a sunny course in Maui which was dotted with palm trees and overlooked the ocean was something else!

The next day was my turn. I took a snorkeling cruise, entering the water near a coral reef where one school of fish after another, striped, speckled, and iridescent, glided near me. I felt submerged in a mystical experience.

Helicopter over Maui

The next day, my husband said he wanted to do something memorable as a family. He suggested splurging on a helicopter tour of the island. Up we went, our small son between us, with mufflers on our ears to mute the engine’s noise. We viewed the huge Haleakala volcano from above. The pilot bluffed us into thinking we’d crash into a cliff he headed toward. As we held our breaths, he maneuvered the plane to clear it.

He knew what he was doing; his job is to thrill tourists. He gave us an unforgettable, if hair raising, experience.   

Our son, now an adult, was too young back then to remember that Hawaii vacation, but my husband and I still have vivid memories of doing what excited each of us there.

You Can Gain Zest Near Home

You don’t need to go far from home or to gain zest. You can learn a new sport, get a pet, act in a play, fly a kite, or explore any one of countless possibilities. Here are a few more ideas:

• a romantic dinner at home;
• a walk in the woods or elsewhere;
• a picnic;
• a movie, play, or concert,
• horseback riding.

Scheduling a weekly date with your partner is great. But remember to break out of a pattern that may exist if your date usually involves going out to a movie or for dinner. Suggest doing something new or different for the two of you.

The same goes for planning dates with yourself, when you can let yourself daydream long enough for creative ideas and solutions to emerge with no effort on your part. This can happen while you do any activity that you find nourishes your soul.

We owe it to ourselves and our relationship to keep the zest alive.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/does-marriage-have-to-be-boring/

Should Parents Let Their Teens Trick or Treat?

A scene from last year: Four boys too tall and too gangly to pass for being under 12 showed up on my doorstep in costumes that were clearly last minute and uninspired. They shoved and joked with each other, laughing and stumbling up my steps. Bashfully, they held out pillow cases and shopping bags for my contribution to their hoards. They let me goof with them a bit as I tossed candy bars their way. One remembered to say “Thank you.” It was harmless fun. It was probably the last year I’d see them on Halloween night. I didn’t begrudge them some candy as they said goodbye to childhood with a last Halloween hurrah.

Contrast this with another group: Two teenaged boys and a girl, arrived at my door well past when the younger kids had called it a night. Each had donned a scary mask as their only costume. The boys loomed over me. “Trick or Treat”, said one with a growl to match his mask. I was suddenly aware that I’m old and I was alone and not feeling safe. I gave them each a candy bar but was angrily informed by the girl that anything with coconut was unacceptable.

I was relieved when they turned to go back out into the night and into a car I hadn’t noticed before. I switched off my porch light and locked my door. Any fun I had been having throughout the evening was erased.

The debate about when someone is “too old” to participate in the fun of trick or treating rages on the internet. In some communities across the U.S., it is illegal for kids over the age of 12 to go out for treats. Some blogs argue that trick or treating is a last gasp of childhood and that we shouldn’t begrudge teens, even teens who don’t bother to dress up, a candy bar. Others suggest that allowing teens to “shake us down” for candy is promoting antisocial behavior. Still others make the specious argument that if the teens weren’t trick or treating, they would be doing something else (usually dangerous, illegal or immoral) — as if the only alternative to trick or treating is risky behavior.

Whether teenagers should be allowed to trick or treat is not, then, a simple question.

Parents Need to Be Parents

The answer to the question of yes or no for teen trick or treating lies with us — the parents. From my point of view, it is our responsibility to gauge our own teens’ developmental stage and their intentions. Are they going out for some innocent fun? Fine. To scare little kids and get off on intimidating people? Not fine at all.

It’s up to us parents to talk with our teens about how best to celebrate the holiday and it’s our responsibility to draw limits when necessary. Yes, a legal age limit or curfew can let us off the hook some. But it’s really our job to help our teens make mature decisions.

Generally good kids will be appropriate. Parents of such teens can relax about Halloween because their kids have earned their trust. These teens are well aware they are on the edge of being too old. They understand the need to go out early and to choose costumes that won’t scare the little kids. Many are relieved to be given the job of taking younger siblings and neighborhood kids out. Few adults begrudge a teen a candy bar if they are accompanying a princess or a passel of goblins.

Kids who are bent on mischief, on the other hand, need parents who are willing to have uncomfortable conversations and perhaps to set equally uncomfortable limits. These teens need to be reminded that what is just goofing around to them may seem threatening to single moms or elderly people who open their doors. Being disrespectful when refused a treat only reinforces some adults’ opinions that teens are rude and entitled. If they can’t be trusted to follow reasonable rules for trick or treating, they need to be directed to an age-appropriate activity or confined to quarters for the night — even if, especially if, they are furious. Anger at reasonable rules only supports the fact that they aren’t mature enough to be out there.

I simply don’t agree that being deprived of trick or treating ensures that teens will drink, abuse drugs, and have orgies. There are alternatives to marauding the town. Some secondary schools encourage students to wear costumes for a day or hold a Halloween dance. Farms in rural communities have hayrides or corn mazes with adults (and teens) only themes. Parents can provide a memorable Halloween for teens and their friends by hosting a costume party with plenty of treats, music, ghost stories, and some unobtrusive adult supervision.

There is no wide-spread agreement about when childhood ends. But childhood does, in fact, end. Transitioning from being a kid who gets candy to being one of the big people who passes it out at the door is a marker of that reality. Most kids make that transition on their own. But when they don’t, it is up to us parents to be parents. We need to make it clear to our growing children which side of the door they belong on.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/should-parents-let-their-teens-trick-or-treat/

Can Opening to Your Own Creative Gifts Make You a Happier Human Being?

“You cannot use up creativity. The more you use it, the more you have.” – Maya Angelou

Are you an Imaginista? A Creativa? An Inspirista? A Wild Enthusiast? If you had your way, would life be lived out loud, in Technicolor, vibrantly glowing, tap dancing to a rhythm that you alone can hear? And then, would you invite people to dance, sing and play along with you?

Sadly, many were encouraged to lip synch, color inside the lines, stay inside the box, play it safe, and keep their light under wraps lest they shine too brightly and intimidate others. These types of messages likely came from adults who feared their own creative gifts and passed on the limiting thoughts. As adults, we have the freedom to discard or accept them.

I was a creative child who would paint, draw and use all 64 crayons in the Crayola box. I would make up songs and stories, design faerie villages when I was in the woods, see myself as a mermaid in the ocean, pretend that my bicycle was a horse, and imagine I could fly. My parents encouraged all of that and yet, there have been times over the years, when I squelched my self -expression, not wanting to overshadow anyone or feel like I was too out of the box.

In my professional life, I recall two supervisors who felt threatened by my free-spirited nature that didn’t adhere to traditional mores and expectations. I did my job well in each case, but each of them was more mainstream in their dress and demeanor and when this walking billboard for color and creativity came to work, they were a bit rattled and made it known.

What I have since discovered is that when I am in creative mode, I am better able to problem solve and come up with solid solutions for myself and my clients. Infinite possibilities are lain out before me, and rather than focusing on the roadblock, I can reroute and GPS-style, recalculate to find these other options.

On my desk at my office sit a magic wand (I ask clients that if they could wave it over themselves and could affect any type of change in their lives, what would they want it to be?), a magnetic poetry kit that they can use to write poems, a Hoberman Sphere (think colorful K’nex in the shape of an expanding and contracting ball that can be used for relaxation breathing), and an Easy Button (the red and white contraption from Staples that when you push it, it says, “That was easy.” I do it at the end of every day before I head home.)

A few years ago, I taught a class for employees of a mental health treatment program and we did an exercise that highlighted the value of creative outlets.

I called it “Creativity Tree.” I invited them to draw a tree…even if it was a lollipop version harkening back to pre-school and then embellish it with pictures and words that symbolized their own creative genius. These professionals who spent their days attempting to enhance the lives of the members of the community, were able to engage in childlike playfulness and wonder. What a delight it was to witness the transformation.

You are invited to enter the Imaginarium in which you can indulge your creative nature. I have designed one in my mind, embellishing and enhancing it, for decades.

We are walking into a round room with windows on all curves and a skylight in the ceiling, to allow in the brilliant sunlight during the day and the star-sparkled night sky. Green, leafy and flowering plants hang above the open windows as a gentle breeze wafts through, making wind chimes tuned to various pitches, dance with delight. Take a deep breath and inhale the sweet aromas of lavender, vanilla and patchouli. Our eyes take in floor to ceiling book shelves containing tomes created from the hearts and minds of many generations of wordsmiths, filled with wisdom and magic. Some I have read, over and over, like old familiar friends and others are waiting for me to turn the pages. There is a large drawing table/desk designed from a reclaimed tree, on which sits my lap top computer which is a place where thoughts turn to words, which turn to images that soak into the minds of the readers and carry them away on adventures of all sorts. A crystal vase contains beautiful wild flowers picked from the fields outside my door and their riotously hued petals spread a smile across my face. As the sun hits its multi-faceted surface, it throws a prism projected rainbow across the walls.

A large violet cushy, comfy lounge chair on which is tossed a fleece lap robe welcomes me to curl up and read. It sits adjacent a curved tree stump table that supports a ceramic plate of a few decadently delicious, calorie free and fat free chocolate chip cookies (Hey, it’s my Imaginarium) and a mug filled with real Indian chai, redolent with cinnamon, cardamom and ginger.

Serene sounds waft through the atmosphere.  A large CD rack carries music from various genres, including, folk, Celtic, Cajun, Woodstock era 60’s rock, world music, singer-songwriter, drumming and classical which I listen to, depending on my mood.]

On the floor are drums of various sizes; a djembe, a dumbek, bodhran, frame drums, a hang, rain sticks and a wicker basket filled with smaller hand percussion instruments that are brought out to play during drumming circles.

Shelves are filled with all sorts of art supplies, including paints, paper, crayons, markers, clay, buttons, old magazines with which to create vision boards, as well as fabric of various sizes and textures. On the walls hang my works of he(art), that emerge from the combination of these items and my oh so vivid imagination. Joining them are those created by friends who are also artists and it is like having them in the room with me.

In this space, I feel completely free, without writer’s block (I often say that I have ‘writer’s runs’) to let flow the words that tickle my heart and mind, and take shape into stories and articles, poetry and books that are waiting to dance out into the world.

I encourage you to design your own Imaginarium from the seeds of your vibrant creative soul; making it a full sensory experience. Hear, see, taste, touch and smell it all. It will be unique to you. Perhaps you are a woodworker, gardener, musician, painter, interior designer, or chef, so your space may have tools, plants, instruments, a canvas stretched across a wall, fabric or pots and pans. Allow for you own sense of delight to unfold like a rainbow hued tapestry before you.

“Every child is an artist. The problem is staying an artist when you grow up” – Pablo Picasso

“Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, the just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while” – Steve Jobs

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/can-opening-to-your-own-creative-gifts-make-you-a-happier-human-being/

Change Suicidal Thoughts by Asking “Says Who?”

In my book, Says Who? How One Simple Question Can Change the Way You Think Forever, I’ve created a method for transforming negative and fear-based thoughts that cause emotional turmoil, such as anxiety or depression.

For many years as a young actress, I experienced severe anxiety. It wasn’t until I went into Jungian analysis that I came face to face with a deep-seated, fear-based thought that I’d buried deep in my subconscious. By unburying it, I was able to realize how it was the direct cause of my emotional unrest and suffering.

As I wrote in Says Who?, “Our negative thoughts have something important to tell us.” If we pay attention to what they’re saying without reacting to them, we can understand what I call the “side effects” or “symptoms” of a thought that’s troubling to us, but that we haven’t wanted to face.

Suicidal thoughts are usually brought on by major depression. A person considering ending his or her life is in agonizing, intolerable pain. The person simply can’t imagine how to stop it, so considers choosing death over life. This torment and loss of hope is so acute, it’s all the person can focus on. It seems that there’s no viable future ahead. What that means is that his or her mind is completely devoid of any thoughts other than the ones asserting that life isn’t worth living and it’s time to end it.

When we have thoughts that cause us pain and suffering, we must know how to work with them and change them so they won’t pull us into a downward spiral of anxiety or depression. The Says Who? Method questions and challenges negative and fear-based thoughts. When we challenge them, we’re preparing ourselves to know what to do when the horrible thoughts occur. If we don’t question the thoughts that want to sabotage us, we more readily accept them, and this is when thoughts of suicide can take hold.

The Says Who? Method emphasizes how we are the creator and master of our internal dialogue, which creates our reality. The choice of life over death is a reality every person deserves, but if we don’t know how to transcend the thoughts that tell us death is the better option, we stand a greater chance of giving into a very dark, grim reality.  

Most people don’t have the proper skills to face their pain. Instead of choosing to understand their suffering and work through the thoughts causing it, they’re more inclined to want to stop their agony at all costs. Whether it’s through self-medicating to numb the pain, or literally giving into it through suicide, their goal is to end the pain, not learn how to work through it. A person who hasn’t worked with their pain, or questioned the thoughts causing it, is more likely to let the despair become all-encompassing. But it’s our thoughts that create what we feel, and if we aren’t clear what those thoughts are and where they’ve originated, we’ll allow them to dominate us, and we will be at their mercy.  

What we know about pain is that it comes in waves. As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, “The only constant is change.” A person who is contemplating suicide is so stuck in their pain that they’re unable to entertain the possibility of a better future, which requires thoughts of hopefulness and optimism. Sadly, they haven’t given themselves the opportunity to think differently, which must happen to drive out suicidal thoughts.

Using the question “Says Who?” — in essence asking, “Who is saying this thought in my mind?” — someone who’s ready to work with their suicidal thought would answer, “I am,” and go on to admit, “I’m telling myself I want to die.” Being cognizant of their suicidal thought and admitting to themselves they’re having it, helps them to become brave enough to face it and to change it. This is the most important step a person can take to choosing a different “reality” of life over death.

It’s important that we own our thoughts — all of them, and not just the pretty ones. Suicidal thoughts are anything but pretty, but they’re thoughts that can be changed to ones that are hopeful rather than filled with despair. Changing a thought from “this pain will last forever” to “pain comes and goes,” or from “there’s nothing I can do about this pain” to “I can help my pain by understanding it better,” can actually change the chemicals in our brains. Thoughts of distress and anguish produce neurochemicals that create more distress and anguish, whereas positive thoughts of hopefulness create an increase in neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which create feelings of wellbeing.

When one reaches a state of wellbeing, suicide is the furthest thought from his or her mind. Let’s keep it that way.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/change-suicidal-thoughts-by-asking-says-who/

Psychology Around the Net: October 27, 2018

This picture has nothing to do with this week’s Psychology Around the Net. I just love fall!

What does have to do with this week’s post is “priming” and how it can help women stop shying away from competition, a first-of-its-kind survey that lets mental health consumers tell scientists what they want them to study, overdose prevention kits popping up on college campuses, and more.

Closing the Gender Gap in Competitiveness With a Psychological Trick: Often, women tend to shy away from competition more than men do, and this could be a reason many women are still at a disadvantage when it comes to career-related matters (e.g. pay, promotions, etc.). Studies suggest that “priming” — a psychological technique that places people in certain situations and can change their decision-making behavior — could lead to situations in which men and women are more similar in their competitive behavior.

Make Wellness a Way of Life With These 8 Daily Habits: These everyday activities — which can soon turn into habits — are sure to help both your physical and mental wellness.

This Marketer Reveals 10 Psychology Truths That Brands Use to Influence Your Buying Decisions: Jake McKenzie, CEO of Intermark Group, the largest psychology-driven marketing firm in the country, explains the most popular (and effective) ways marketers use your own psychological habits to get you to buy their stuff (and if you’re thinking “These kinds of tricks don’t work on me,” well, welcome to #3).

Turning the Tables: People With Mental Illness Share What They Want Scientists to Study: Using a first-of-its kind survey, the Milken Institute and the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance are asking patients what aspects of their health — specifically depression and/or bipolar disorder — they want more research on. Since August 2018, nearly 6,000 people have responded to the survey and it’s still available if you want to answer, too.

One Insanely Popular Reason So Many of Us Are Unhappy: I’m not going to give it away, obvs, but I can tell you I remember being a lot more consistently happy when I had a strong handle on this.

Making Overdose Medication Readily Available On College Campuses: Overall, many colleges and universities haven’t felt the full brunt of the opioid epidemic raging through the United States; however, that doesn’t mean they aren’t without any problems and that school administrators want to keep their students as safe as possible. These safety precautions range from awareness and prevention programs to showing students how to save someone from an overdose using Narcan (Naloxone). Going even further, Bridgewater State University in Massachusetts has installed approximately 60 “Opioid Overdose Kits,” each of which contains two doses of Narcan nosespray.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-october-27-2018/

OCD and Physical Pain

I don’t think it comes as a surprise to many people that physical pain and mental pain often seem to be connected.

I often hear from people with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder who also suffer from debilitating physical pain. And it’s not unusual, once their OCD is treated, for their physical symptoms to subside or even disappear completely.

Sometimes the pain those with OCD experience is directly related to compulsions they perform. For example, some people with OCD are compelled to perform extensive rituals while showering, perhaps twisting and turning in particular ways for a specific amount of time. This might lead to chronic back or neck pain.

Repetition is common with compulsions and can lead to physical pain such as arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome. I have heard of those who deal with trichotillomania experiencing relentless pain in their arms, wrists, hands and fingers. Also, turning doorknobs and tightening water faucets are other common compulsions in OCD that can lead to injury and physical pain.

In other cases, pain appears unrelated to the disorder. Headaches, intestinal issues, and fibromyalgia are just a few examples. Are they connected to obsessive-compulsive disorder? I don’t know, but I do know that having both physical pain and OCD can get quite complicated.

For example, if someone has a severe headache for a good amount of time, he or she would (hopefully) go to their doctor. The doctor might order a test, such as an MRI, which hopefully would come back normal. The person’s headache subsides, and life returns to normal.

That’s if you don’t have OCD. If you do have OCD, you might feel reassured immediately after the results of the MRI, but then the obsessive thinking might kick in:

• How can I be sure the test didn’t miss something?
• I tripped the other day and have been more forgetful than usual. I must have a brain tumor.
• Maybe the doctors got my test results mixed up with someone else’s?

As you can imagine, this list is endless.

Compulsions to temporarily quell this anxiety might include going back to the doctor, asking a loved one for reassurance, or being hyperaware of every “symptom” you feel. All of these rituals only serve to make the OCD stronger.

Nothing is simple when it comes to OCD.

In an interesting study, researchers found that participants with obsessive-compulsive disorder were actually unusually tolerant of physical pain, regardless of the nature or severity of their symptoms.

The scientists believe these findings suggest that individuals who struggle with emotional pain are able to endure physical pain to a much greater extent than others. In a nutshell, it appears the physical pain distracts from the emotional pain. This finding can perhaps give us somewhat of an understanding of the role of self-injury in OCD.

Perhaps those with OCD are willing to endure physical pain as a distraction from their emotional distress. Experiencing physical pain might also be seen as an expression of negative self-worth, or as a means to gain control over some aspect of suffering.

It’s interesting that two comments made by study participants were noted by the researchers. One comment was that the pain “felt good” and the other was, “In all the craziness of my OCD, pain is a constant. It’s one thing that you can count on.” So, the participants with OCD felt that this physical pain was something they could control in their otherwise chaotic world.

Pain and obsessive-compulsive disorder appear to be connected in different ways. As I mentioned at the beginning of the article, however, when OCD is properly treated, many symptoms of pain often diminish, or disappear completely. Another great reason to get proper treatment and fight OCD.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/ocd-and-physical-pain/