Top Brain-Based Habits to Elevate Your Relationships

Relationships are crucial to having a healthy and caring life with those who you value the most. Enhancing interpersonal skill has proven effective in reducing anxiety, depression, and stress. It can also improve both business success and marital satisfaction. 

In world-renowned psychiatrist Dr. Daniel G. Amen’s latest book, Feel Better Fast and Make It Last, he introduces techniques from research in the field of interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT). The acronym RELATING, as outlined below, will help you remember the essential relationship habits that will help you live a more fulfilling life with your loved ones.

• R is for Responsibility. Responsibility is not about blame. It is about your ability to respond to whatever situation you are in. What can you do today to make your relationships better? You win more in relationships when you ask yourself this question and stay away from blaming others.
• E is for Empathy. Developing empathy involves a number of important skills, including mirroring, treating others in a way you would like to be treated, and being able to get outside of yourself.
• L is for Listening (and clear communication). Poor communication is at the core of many relationship problems. Jumping to conclusions, trying to read minds, and needing to be right are only a few traits that doom communication. Too often in relationships we have expectations and certain hopes and fears that we never explicitly communicate to our partners or colleagues. Clear communication is essential if relationships are to be mutually satisfying.
• A is for Assertiveness. Assertiveness involves standing up for one’s rights without infringing upon those of others, whereas aggression involves the use of verbal and nonverbal noxious stimuli to maintain rights.

• T is for Time. Relationships require actual, physical time. In this era of commuting, traffic, two-working-parent households, email, the Internet, television, and video games, we have seriously diminished the time we have with the people in our lives. Being present in the moment with your spouse, friend, or colleague can help make the other person feel appreciated and secure.
• I is for Inquiring. Ask yourself what thoughts are repeatedly going through your mind, and then consider how accurate they might be. Often, when we tell ourselves little lies about other people, it puts unnecessary wedges between us and them. Relationships require accurate thinking in order to thrive. Whenever you feel sad, mad, or nervous in relationships, check out your thoughts. If there are automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) or lies, stomp them out.
• N is for Noticing what you like, a lot more than what you don’t like. This is one of the secrets to having great relationships. Paying attention to what you like encourages more of that behavior.
• G is for Grace (and Forgiveness). One of the most famous prayers in history commands us to forgive others if we ourselves want to be forgiven. Forgiveness is powerful medicine. Holding on to grudges, past slights, and hurts, even if they are small, increases stress hormones that negatively impact our moods, immunity, and overall health.

Additionally, Dr. Amen discusses in more detail the strategies that can be utilized to enhance one’s ability to connect and communicate efficiently:

• Ask yourself if you are taking Responsibility in your relationships: “How can I respond in a positive, helpful way?”
• Practice empathy. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
• In conversations, listen and practice good communication skills.
• Be assertive. Say what you mean and stick up for what you believe is right in a calm, clear, and kind way.
• Spend time together. Remember that actual, physical time with others is critical to healthy relationships.
• Inquire into the negative thoughts that make you suffer in a relationship and decide if they’re objectively true.
• Notice what you like in the behavior of those around you more than you notice (and complain about) what you don’t like.
• Give the altruistic gift of grace and forgiveness whenever you can.

Dr. Amen spent most of his career studying the brain’s response to stimuli, as well as the brain’s intimate connection to our relationships — with our self and others. Our lives — and our brains — can benefit by making our strongest relationships in life count the most.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/top-brain-based-habits-to-elevate-your-relationships/

The Mental Health Gift Giving Guide from Psych Central

Christmas, the biggest gift-giving holiday of them all, will be here in less than a month — which means that gift buying season is currently in full force.

Unless you are my sister — who is already done shopping and wrapping — you are probably just now starting to think about what gifts you want give your loved ones. Many people have no idea what to give certain people. Even my wildly efficient sister has issues finding the perfect gift for me, her picky big brother.

I’ve been gifted socks and Welshcakes from relatives over the years, and I always hear my mother’s voice in my head when I unwrap each package: “It’s the thought that counts.” And my mom is right, it is the thought that counts. But, why does that thought only have to count once? Why can’t the thought count when you purchase the gift? Wouldn’t this allow you to give each gift twice this holiday season? I say yes!

Below is a list of gift suggestions, all under 25 dollars and all from mental health advocates and charities who can use the support. Purchasing these gifts shows you care about someone’s mental health or mental illness. And, as an added bonus, if the recipient doesn’t like the gift, you still know you made the holidays merrier for someone.

(And don’t forget, we have two official shirts you can order from Psych Central’s store — both support our podcasts.)

Seven Mental Health Gift Suggestions

1. Brave Beads

This first suggestion is from the mental health storytelling non-profit This Is My Brave. They describe them as their version of Greek worry beads, and they are handmade by talented volunteers.

Made of Brazilian Açai beads from the Amazon rain forest, they are adorned with a silver-plated “B” for Brave. I like that the designs and colors vary, because each piece is unique — just like the person you gifting it to. Get yours by visiting the This Is My Brave Store.

2. Limited Edition Depressed Cake Shop bracelet

Next up is the Depressed Cake Shop bracelet stamped with the phrase “Where there is cake, there is hope…and there is always cake.”

The bracelet is handmade by The Brave Sparrow, who creates beautiful jewelry inspired by women who find the courage to overcome life’s challenges.

The artist explains the symbolism in the Sparrow: All too often we take the sparrow for granted — small though she may be, she is certainly powerful. It is her slightness in size that gives her advantages.

Proceeds from the bracelet go to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). To learn more and get yours, visit Depressed Cake Shop.

3. The “Chlorine” Pillbox

People managing mental illness often do so with daily medication. But young people don’t want to carry around “granny’s pill case.” That’s why I love this product from Michelle Hammer, the co-host of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast.

This pillbox includes Michelle’s original “Chlorine” print design on the front, a mirror inside the lid, and is 2 inches round. It’s perfect for a travel bag, purse, or your pocket.

You can get yours by visiting Schizophrenic.NYC.

4. Aromatherapy Stress Relief Dough

I’m a guy who fidgets constantly. At last count, I have eight fidget toys and I love them all. While five of them are spinners, none of them are aromatherapy dough. So this item has really piqued my interest.

The website reads: “Need a little spark for your creativity as you move into the morning or afternoon? Pull it out and use it to release stress and frustrations. Roll, squish and squash away that stress.”

Anything that distracts my mind and relieves stress sounds great to me and, at $4.00 a can, it’s the lowest priced gift on our list. You can learn more and purchase by visiting Dough For It over on Etsy.

5. Bipolar Emoji Mug

I can’t have a list of cool products supporting mental health / mental illness advocacy without including the original bipolar mug. Full disclosure: that’s my mug and my design, so I’m naturally very proud of it.

Long before I was a Psych Central blogger and podcaster, I was just a guy with a logo. And that logo is now on a mug!

It’s matte black with matte white print and a glossy white interior, perfect for drinking 11 ounces of your favorite liquid. It can also be used as a pen holder on your desk.

Want your very own? Visit the bipolar emoji mug section of my store and order a baker’s dozen.

6. The Blips

Meet the Blips! I never knew emotion/aromatherapy dolls like this existed and I’m super excited about them.

The creator, YarnistryUK, says these are part of the Bothers series, which is “a collection of lovingly handmade, miniature art dolls designed to separate our difficult emotions from our bodies and place them gently in our hands. Each Bother is designed to embody the feelings that often feel too hard to bear alone: worry, grief, guilt, shame, insomnia, doubt.”

Blips fit perfectly in your palm and are designed to be a comfort on the go. You can pick the color and scent of your Blip. Meet the blips over on Etsy now!

7. Never Give Up Mental Health Awareness Necklace

Last, but certainly not least, is the Never Give Up Mental Health Awareness Necklace by A Band Of Hope.

Each necklace has the words “Never Never Give Up!” written on a circle charm to remind the person wearing it that it’s never over. The website says that these necklaces are super popular and a subtle way to keep advocating for mental health when out and about! I, for one, believe them.

A simple silver necklace with a powerful message. Get yours from A Band of Hope.

Mental Health Gift Giving Guide ‘Wrap Up’

Didn’t see something that your hard-to-buy-for relative will love? That’s okay, the internet is huge! Search for “mental health awareness gifts” on your favorite search engine and look for independent advocates selling their creations. Even if you don’t make a purchase, drop them a note and tell them you love what they’re doing and that you appreciate their efforts. It’ll mean a lot to the tens of thousands of hardworking people making life better for those of us who live with mental illness and mental health issues every day.

No matter what the “difficult gift receiver” thinks of your present this year, I hope you have a happy holiday season and a joyous new year.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-mental-health-gift-giving-guide-from-psych-central/

Best of Our Blogs: November 30, 2018

Have you ever been told you’re overreacting, oversensitive or a hypochondriac? Sometimes it’s because you’re suffering from an illness other people can’t see. Because you look “normal” on the outside, friends and family can’t relate or understand what you’re struggling with.

Whether it’s mental illness or another invisible chronic illness, such as autoimmune disease, you might want to check out Ilana Jacqueline’s Surviving and Thriving with an Invisible Chronic Illness: How to Stay Sane and Live One Step Ahead of Your Symptoms. This would also make a great holiday gift for someone struggling with an illness.

Speaking of helping those with chronic illness, this week’s top post shares one strategy that can increase well-being and decrease stress and depression. Want to know what it is? Keep reading.

Build a Life of Meaning with These Everyday Tips
(Character Strengths) – Is your life filled with meaning? If you desire more meaning in your life, this is worth a read.

10 Reasons You Were Fooled by a Narcissist
(Knotted) – It’s what narcissists need and you provide that makes you attractive to each other.

Coach vs Counselor: Is Psychotherapy Viable as a Business in 2019?
(Private Practice Kickstart) – Are you a therapist considering coaching? Read this.

How Fluent Are YOU in the Languages of Love?
(NLP Discoveries) – Understanding these five love languages will help you understand your partner, yourself and your relationship better.

How Does Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) Effect the Auditory Sensory System?
(Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) – This post explains why children with sensory sensitivities are easily distracted and gives tools that can help them succeed, cope and manage their specific issues.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-november-30-2018/

Out of the Closet with OCD

I came out of the closet about my OCD shortly after the release of the film, As Good As It Gets, starring Jack Nicholson in 1997. I figured if a cool (but mean) character played by Nicholson could be afflicted, why not a nice guy like me? I hasten to admit that I don’t usually confess my predicament to just anyone; on the other hand, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s pure hell, of course, but it’s nothing to hide.

I have read that Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder often starts between 18 and 25, but my mine predates that period and, as I recall, was particularly exacerbated by Scarlet Fever (when I was seven) and reared its uglier thorns during my protracted bout with puberty.

As OCD goes, my assorted checklist of symptoms isn’t anything to write home about. I would diagnose mine as mild to moderate, with ebbs and flows along the way, as well as occasionally difficult fluctuations. Some of my rituals have changed over the years, only to be replaced by newer ones. It’s an interesting fact that even so-called normal people may flirt with OCD when under stress, such as preparing for an important business flight — packing and repacking a suitcase to be sure the essentials weigh under 50 pounds.

I like to think of my dilemma as a “blockage” between knowledge and emotion. For example, I KNOW that I have turned off the stove, for I have turned the dial to OFF. I also SEE the marker positioned under the word. I can FEEL that the dial cannot be turned any further.

And yet, and yet…

It’s a crisis of uncertainty! Would you leave the house if your gas burner were on? Neither would I. It’s not a matter of exaggerated fear. It’s a matter of doubt, of not connecting what you feel… with what you know.  

I KNOW that my gas burner is off; I just turned it OFF. However, I can’t leave the house, as long as I can’t FEEL that fact. So I repeat the action. Grip the dial harder. Stare closer at the OFF marker. Turn and align the knob. Rinse and repeat.

There’s something about needless repetition, as senseless as it seems, that reinforces a sense of conviction. Perhaps it’s a matter of finding closure, of seeking reassurance in the fact that — what was done — was done. For me and for most OCD sufferers, repetition seems to be a major player in this illness. On the other hand, it’s not always about repetition, alone. During other situations, it can be about forging a sense of order. For example, I like to arrange certain objects equidistant from one another. The objects must not touch or be crooked. Nice parallel placements.   

Perhaps it’s a form of emotional superstition. Like a ritualistic rain dance while chanting. If I can establish a semblance of order, perhaps bad things won’t happen. Perhaps the carefully placed objects will be less inclined to fall. Perhaps they’ll be easier to sort through. Perhaps their organized arrangement will produce in me an ordered peace of mind. Harmony and tranquility will reign.

The paradox of such stringent attempts at relief is that often they only lead to more frustration and pathos.  

What is the nature of this nemesis? Exploration into its possible causes persists. Perhaps a “fault line” between Conviction and Uncertainty lies in the anterior cingulate cortex, as well as other brain structures implicated in this disorder.

Here’s a typical “highlight” from earlier today: I woke up and went to my bathroom, took some pills from my medicine cabinet. Returned the pill dispenser to its rightful place on the shelf. Studied its position on the shelf. Straightened out its position in minute detail. Adjusted its position again and again. Finally, closed the medicine cabinet door and sighed. Ah, done with that.

For some reason, drawers and doors pose a special problem for me. When I close something, I need to know that the interior contents are safe. I must leave nothing to fate. Nothing must be disturbed.

Life with OCD can be complicated; perhaps I compromise too often as a result. Unlike a hoarder, I find that the fewer things that are left hanging around the house, the less I have to worry about them. There’s less chance for disarray. I am a minimalist for that reason.

References:

At what age does OCD usually begin? (2014, January 10). Retrieved from https://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety-disorders/experts-what-age-does-ocd-begin.aspx

PANDAS-Questions and Answers. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/pandas/index.shtml

Bostan, S.N. (2018, January 13). Brain signatures of obsessive-compulsive disorder. [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/greater-the-sum-its-parts/201801/brain-signatures-obsessive-compulsive-disorder

What is hoarding disorder? (2017). Retrieved from https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/hoarding-disorder/what-is-hoarding-disorder

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/out-of-the-closet-with-ocd/

Are You Making Your Days More Complicated in These Ways?

Life isn’t easy. But sometimes we make it a lot harder than it has to be. We engage in habits that unwittingly create problems in our lives—or exacerbate them. Sometimes, the complications we create are simple. That is, they’re straightforward, and have a clear-cut solution.

Other times we need to delve deeper, so we can resolve the issue at the root. Below you’ll find examples along with some fixes and solutions.

You’re making to-do lists that you know you won’t get done.

Every day your to-do list inevitably includes 10-too-many tasks, each of which may or may not have multiple steps. And every night inevitably you end up feeling awful that you didn’t complete any of it. Maybe you have unrealistic, sky-high expectations. Maybe you think you should be able to get all that stuff done.

According to Julia Colangelo, LCSW, a solution-focused therapist in New York City, one helpful fix is to divide your to-do list into “must-do” and “would-like-to-do.” Then actually incorporate the must-dos into your schedule, and think of them as meetings, she said.

Sometimes, we make endless to-do lists because we think (perhaps subconsciously) that we need to earn our worth, and we’re not good enough unless we’re performing—and performing a lot.

If you suspect that this might be the case, Colangelo suggested journaling regularly, either in a notebook or on the notes app on your phone. Reflect on your thoughts on work, accomplishments, and relaxation. Have you always felt the need to achieve and execute, maybe even since grade school? Has your self-worth been closely tied to your accomplishments? Do you believe that you deserve to rest only after you’ve done certain tasks?

Consider, too, if you’re running away from something by trying to keep yourself busy and occupied without any space to breathe and think. Reflect on what it would mean to say no, or to do nothing, Colangelo said. She mentioned Jon Kabat-Zinn’s wise quote: “The bravest thing we can do is to do nothing.” What happens when you do nothing? Where does your mind go? What feelings arise?

You’re overscheduling less important areas of your life, which encroach on the more important ones.

Another way we complicate our days is by jam-packing our schedules at the expense of more important areas of our lives (such as caring for our emotional wellness), Colangelo said.

“Overscheduling leads to exhaustion, resentment and anxiety,” said Holly Willard, LCSW, a therapist and owner of Grandview Family Counseling in Bountiful, Utah.

As a solution, Willard suggested identifying what values and relationships are important to you, and then prioritizing your activities based on those values.

“Zen philosophy teaches two steps to simplifying your life,” she said. “Step one: Identify what’s most important to you; step two: Eliminate everything else.”

Author Laura Vanderkam has an excellent tip for not overbooking yourself and judging whether something is worth your time. Ask yourself: “Would I do this tomorrow?” Maybe you’re booked solid tomorrow, but if it’s something you’re interested in or excited about, you’d probably move things around and make the time. So if you’re not interested or excited about it right now, you likely won’t be in a month or two either (and it’s best to decline).

When it comes to caring for yourself, Michele Kerulis, a professor at Counseling@Northwestern, the Online Master of Arts in Counseling program from The Family Institute at Northwestern University, has an important reminder: “We know that we must show up for ourselves before we can show up for the world as our best selves.”

She suggested scheduling time “for self-care every day to help reduce physical and psychological stress and to help increase focus and attention.” Colangelo suggested making several windows of time each day to devote to self-care. This could be anything from practicing yoga for a few minutes to focusing on your breath to sitting on a park bench for lunch to listening to a favorite song.

You’re constantly comparing yourself to everyone.

These comparisons might be subtle. As Willard said, you find yourself scrolling through social media when you’re having a tough time, and “it feels like all of your friends are in a tropical paradise.”

You might compare yourself to everyone about everything, from houses to hair, from clothing to careers, from bodies to talents.

While we can’t completely eliminate comparison making, we can shift our perspective.

According to Willard, “Comparison is based on a scarcity mentality: the belief that there are limited resources and someone else’s success takes away from ours.” She recommended a tip from researcher Brené Brown: When we find ourselves starting to compare, practice gratitude. (These 50 prompts might help.)

Also, the comparisons we make may be clues into our dreams and desires. Ask yourself if you really want what you see. And whether you do or don’t, consider why? Try to pinpoint the need that underlies the comparison. For instance, do you really want to go on that same vacation, or are you yearning to have fun and reconnect with your family anywhere?

You don’t make a definitive plan for your days.   

Planning adds ease to our days, Kerulis said. She commended taking at least 10 minutes every day to plan out the next day. This could include small things, like what you’re eating for breakfast and wearing to work, and big things like what projects you’re starting.

Vanderkam plans out her week on Friday afternoons. She makes a short priority list with three categories: work, relationships, self. Then she chooses two to three things she’d like to do in each category, and schedules them in her calendar.

It’s also important to have backup plans when things don’t go as you planned. For instance, Kerulis suggested taking the time to think about how you’ll navigate your commute in bad weather. As she said, “we can’t control mother nature but we can at least try to plan around her seasons.” You might create backup plans for days your child is sick and can’t attend daycare. 

You’re complicating your days in another way.

Think about daily behaviors or habits that seem problematic. You’re staying up too late, and running late to work because your hand is permanently planted on the snooze button. You keep procrastinating on cleaning out the garage. You keep making small mistakes on your work projects.

Instead of looking at external fixes, go within, according to Panthea Saidipour, LCSW, a Manhattan psychotherapist who works with professionals in their 20s and 30s who want to gain a deeper understanding of themselves.

Take the first example: Staying up late is causing you to be late for work three days in a row. You think “It’s really dumb,” and all you want to do is get to sleep on time, she said.

If you simply focus on your sleep, you might miss a “deeper conversation about what’s going on for [you] internally.” In other words, Saidipour wants to know what’s happening during the day, internally and externally. She wants to know what you’re doing when you’re staying up late. For instance, if you’re scrolling Instagram mindlessly, what specific people are you looking at? Is there a theme to the content you’re choosing to pay attention to?

“Exploring all of this will give us clues about what the external behavior is doing for [you]. Is it an attempt to manage a difficult feeling, or a way to feel something [you’re] not getting enough of during the day? What’s going on in other parts of [your] life that this could be an attempt to cope with?”

Maybe your work has been especially grueling. As Saidipour noted, maybe staying up late has been your only way of feeling a sense of freedom over your own schedule. Maybe waking up late isn’t just a response to sleep deprivation—it’s “an unconscious protest against work.”

Having this deeper understanding of what’s going on might empower you to adjust your “work-life boundaries, to speak up and tell your boss that your workload isn’t working for you, or even to pursue other jobs that could be a better fit for you—all very useful, healthy protests!”

Saidipour stressed the importance of “developing a deeper, more nuanced understanding of the ‘problem.’” That’s because this is “where we find access to more of our own choices and deeper fulfillment.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-you-making-your-days-more-complicated-in-these-ways/

Podcast: Defying Bipolar Disorder

Charita Cole Brown was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 21. After reaching recovery, she became very active in her local NAMI affiliate for many years. Recently, her book – Defying Bipolar: My Bipolar Life – was published. Her goal with the book is to show that people can live well with bipolar disorder, despite how the disease is often portrayed in the media. In this episode, she talks about her story and also shares her views on the ways mental illness is viewed in different cultures.

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About Our Guest

Charita Cole Brown earned a BA in English from Wesleyan University and an MAT in Early Childhood Education from Towson University in Maryland. Now retired, she lives in Baltimore with her two daughters.

Find her online at www.charitacolebrown.com.

Defying the Verdict: My Bipolar Life

 

 

DEFYING BIPOLAR SHOW TRANSCRIPT (Computer-Generated)

Narrator 1: [00:00:02] Welcome to the Psych Central show where each episode presents an in-depth look at issues from the field of psychology and mental health with host Gabe Howard and co-host Vincent M. whales.

Gabe Howard: [00:00:14] Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Show podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Vincent M. Wales. Today Vince and I will be talking to Charita Cole Brown, author of Defying the Verdict – My Bipolar Life. And personally, I love it when another person with bipolar disorder comes and hangs out on the show. We outnumber Vince! Charita, welcome to the show.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:00:37] Hi. How are you Gabe and Vince?

Vincent M. Wales: [00:00:39] We’re good.

Gabe Howard: [00:00:40] Oh, we are doing quite well. We are happy to have you. So the first question that we want to ask right out of the gate is: what made you want to write this book? I mean of all the things that you can do with your time, why write a book?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:00:53] The reason I wanted to write the book… First off, there are a lot of people who live well with a mental illness, but people don’t know that, because what comes out in, you know, in society is the people who live poorly. So, in general, people expect you, if you have bipolar disorder, to be swinging from a chandelier. It doesn’t mean I’ve never swung from a chandelier. But you can live a good life with this illness.  So the reason I decided to write the book was to start being what Dr. Kay Jamison called the “silently successful,” because there are a lot of people who are living well with bipolar disorder, but nobody knows it because of the expectation in the media, etc.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:01:55] That is very true, although I think that that’s beginning to change, don’t you think? I mean we are seeing more and more people who are being open about their mental illnesses and I guess more and more people being surprised by that.

Gabe Howard: [00:02:07] I mean hey we exist. You know the Psych Central show – that was kind of our thing when we started, so we couldn’t agree with you more Charita. Thank you for being vocal. To Vin’s question, do you think that it’s changing? Are we getting braver?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:02:23] I think that it is changing, but I think because of the stigma… I’ve been in bipolar recovery for more than 25 years and for a long time, people that didn’t know that I was bipolar, that I had bipolar, that the illness that I have bipolar – you didn’t know. And I didn’t share because of the stigma associated with the illness. So one of the things that I am attempting to do with my book as a vehicle is to help change stigma and diffuse stigma. And as I like to call it, as NAMI calls it, to choose stigma – you don’t think of it like an illness. And you know although we don’t have a cure for bipolar disorder, stigma is 100 percent curable.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:03:20] Very good point, very good point.

Gabe Howard: [00:03:21] Couldn’t agree with you more.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:03:23] So tell us a bit about your personal experience with bipolar disorder – when were you diagnosed and how did that come to pass and all those fun things?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:03:33] OK. I was diagnosed initially in 1980. I was a student at Wesleyan University. I had just turned 21 and it was interesting because 21 used to be the median age of diagnosis. So I was right in – if we could call it a sweet spot – it’s not a sweet spot – but I was right there. So I was 21 years old as a student at Wesleyan University when I was originally diagnosed. For me, I saw that as an anomaly and I took a semester off from school to get myself together. I had a little bit of therapy. I came back to school and then in 1982, two months before graduation, I had a psychotic break.  And in 1980, I was committed to a hospital because two doctors said I was a danger to myself and others. And then in 1982, I had a wonderful psychologist at Wesleyan and she sent me home because she did not want the same thing to happen to me. So my parents took me to a therapist and said, you know given the severity and frequency of my episodes, I had my first depression and 16, given the severity and frequency, as you guys probably know, every time you have an up and down, it affects your brain. So the therapist told my parents that what they were probably looking at was this brilliant young woman who will probably eventually end up in custodial care.

Gabe Howard: [00:05:21] And that’s a very hopeless thing to hear. How did you and your family take this?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:05:27] The thing was my mom was kind of numb to it because my mother was raised by an actively bipolar mother. So you know I have a genetic illness. My grandmother had bipolar type one disorder. I have a great uncle with Bipolar Type one disorder. So for my mother, she… it was too much. And I will interject that I have a girlfriend who is a psychologist and you have to understand that that was 1982; we’re in 2018. She said that no therapist worth their salt nowadays would speak that to a family or to a client because it is the death knell. And that was the way I received it – as the death knell.

 

Gabe Howard: [00:06:20] You are very right; we’ve come a long way in the way that we talk about these illnesses and more importantly the amount of hope that patients are given. I was diagnosed in 2003 with bipolar disorder and as soon as I heard the diagnosis, I myself believed that I was going to end up in custodial care, join a group home, and and my life was over. But over the next couple of days that I was in the psychiatric hospital, they they quickly explained to me that no no no no no, with management, I can be well. So just between the amount of time from your diagnosis to my diagnosis, we’ve seen some major differences in how they talk to patients and families, so I think that’s right. Your advocacy is working!

Charita Cole Brown: [00:07:04] And people have to understand, when you were so bravely, Gabe, talking about your illness, it’s a 20-year span.

Gabe Howard: [00:07:14] Right. It’s very true.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:07:16] So in a 20-year span people have grown in what they see and what they say. So for me – and I have I have adult daughters – and one of the things I always say with my daughters was that you have to be careful how you speak over your children – what they hear, what you speak into their spirit. So that was what was spoken over me.  And it just wasn’t good. And it was like and it just put me in a fight. I was immediately in a fight.

Gabe Howard: [00:07:52] Thank you so much for that answer Charita. We’ll be back in a moment after we hear from our sponsor.

Narrator 2: [00:07:57] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com, secure, convenient and affordable online counselling. All counsellors are licensed accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:08:28] Welcome back everyone. We’re here with Charita Cole Brown talking about her bipolar life.

Gabe Howard: [00:08:33] One of the things that you talked about in your press packet was that some of the differences between being bipolar in the African-American community, Now I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a white guy; I’m a white middle class man, straight… This is the only version of bipolar disorder that I know but I’m not foolish enough to believe that just because we have the same illness that it has played out the same way in our lives. Can you speak to that a little bit?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:08:57] What a great question and what the question speaks to is culture, and culture is not just color. Culture is how we do things around here. So, for me, being an African-American woman… African-American women, if you think back to many years ago (but not so many) to what Mammy was considered to be. Mammy could take care of your children and her children, all kinds of things, take care of the health. Do everything with the smile. She was strong. She never got tired and unfortunately some of that has seeped into African-American women and our expectation of ourselves. We oftentimes unfortunately expect ourselves to be all things to all people. That’s not, I’ve learned, a good way for me to be. And also, since writing the book and while writing the book, I looked at other communities of color – in Farsi, which is Persian. There’s no word for mental illness. Asian women, no… are not expected. They’re expected to be like the Tiger Wife and super smart and never have mental illness. Hispanic women. No no no. It’s not seen as something that would affect us. And one of the good things about writing Defying the Verdict – My Bipolar Life is that I am an African-American woman and I have a generational illness and I did the things that I needed to do so that I could get well. Now fortunately for me, in the book I talk about my aunt, my Aunt Nellie, who was my grandmother’s sister who had seen all of this in the family and she was the person that helped me make it through and appreciate the fact that there were there was now a medication and that there were things that I could do to be well. And because she didn’t attach guilt or shame to the illness… I still had shame to it, but because she didn’t, it helped me to make it through it.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:11:41] Thank you for bringing up the different cultural differences regarding how mental illness is viewed. It’s been a concern of mine for quite some time. What do you think can be done, if anything at this point, to break down that wall and allow people of these cultures to more readily accept what mental illness really is?

Charita Cole Brown: [00:12:05] I believe one of the things that has to happen is that people have to see that there are people of color who do experience mental illness and go on to live successfully. There are books by people of color. There’s a book by a woman Nana-Ama Danquah and her book is Willow Weep for Me. She’s an African woman that grew up in the United States. She actually was one of the people who blurbed my book, and she was the first African-American woman to write about depression. And there is Melody Moezzi, who is a Persian woman. And when I read her book, that’s how I found out that when she got sick, they didn’t even have a word for it. So by people coming forth and sharing their story… sometimes it just takes one person to come forth to empower other people to go, oh OK, this seems similar to my story. If they can come forward, I can come forward, too. And that is another reason why I thought that I needed to write a book. It was scary because a book is in print and people can read it, Because I had talked to people about my illness, but never written it down. But the important thing is that somebody can read this and they can look and say, oh my goodness, this woman… I start my book with hospital records. This woman was completely out of control. And by the end, look at that, she is whatever quote normal is. No, I mean she thought, OK she’s able to hold things together better than she was. And that’s what people need to see. Sometimes people really need to see examples and I don’t know if you have seen the same thing in your life by people seeing you do well. It’s encouraged other people to do well.

Gabe Howard: [00:14:14] It absolutely has. You are you are completely right about that. Many people in the years that I have been doing this have come up to me and said, You know I didn’t believe that I could… fill in the blank… from as simple as work part time or go back to school all the way up to work full time, start a company, buy a house, get married, be a parent, and then they said, you know I saw you do it. And one of the messages that I always say (and Vin laughs every time I say it) is I’m nobody special. I’m not extra smart. I’m not extra rich. I’m not extra famous. I’m not… I’m just a regular guy that grew up in Ohio and I was able to do this because I had the right help, so if I can do it, anybody who can access treatment can do it. That’s why I fight for treatment and it’s why I try to be so positive.  The question that I want to pose for you now is… there’s always this big conversation in America, which is how are the cultures different? How are the cultures different? And you’ve done a lot of research, but the question that I want to ask is how are people with mental illness all the same? I mean, how are we the same as, you know, male and female in different cultures, what do we have in common? And it sounds like you’ve done a lot of research on this and talked to a lot of people.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:15:27] The commonality I think for most of us that I’ve talked to is the feeling of shame.

Gabe Howard: [00:15:38] I can certainly understand that. Is there more? I mean, it’s just it’s so sad. I mean I know that this is not a positive thing to discuss and you can kind of probably hear in my voice that I just… I want to reach for there has to be some way that we’re just all the same and it is sad that we’re all ashamed of our illness and we’re all afraid of what people will think. But you’re right, that is a binding agent and in that way we need each other.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:16:07] And we’ll when it comes to shame, I feel like when the shame and the fear is what we need, those of us who are doing better, is to help distill hope. And I think that’s important. I think for all of us, what we have in common no matter what race, age, gender, whatever – and this might sound a little schmaltzy, but I believe it – all of us are part of humanity. And I think that is the common, the least common denominator of everybody. You know we are all people; we are all human on the planet. I’m a Christian person. I believe that everybody deserves compassion. So I think that’s a common denominator, that no matter who we are, we are all human beings here together. All of us are like a blind man trying to cross the street. And when you think about it like that, it makes us more willing to help each other. If you think I’m a blind man trying to cross the street… that guy over there, that woman over there, no matter what color, age, you know, gender, if you think about it like that, that we’re all just trying to make it through, we’re all just trying to cross the street. We don’t have a plan, here, but if we help each other, it makes it easier.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:17:52] Very well put. I totally agree that compassion is something that we need to have more of in this world.

Gabe Howard: [00:18:02] And compassion is free.  We should spread that everywhere.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:18:04] Yeah.

Gabe Howard: [00:18:05] It doesn’t cost a dime. Now’s the time to be considerate to people. I can’t agree more. I’m sorry, Vin, I cut you off. Please ask your question. I got excited.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:18:14] It’s quite all right. I’ll be considerate. [laughter] So tell us more about how you are are spreading hope for others out there.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:18:27] Yes before I wrote the book I talked to people about my process. I’m also very active in the National Alliance on Mental Illness. My local NAMI is NAMI Maryland. I’m active in NAMI Baltimore City. I’m in metropolitan Baltimore, which covers Baltimore City and Baltimore County, and I am an In Our Own Voice presenter, which means that I go different places and talk to people about mental illness. I’ve taken a peer to peer course. I recently was trained to become a trainer for primary care physicians. We have a new program because a lot of times when people have mental health challenges, the first person they go to is their primary care physician. So I’m part of a pilot program teaching doctors affiliated with two hospitals here in Baltimore – St. Agnes and Harbor Hospital – how what to look for and how to engage with people so they find it okay to reach out and get the help that they need.

Gabe Howard: [00:19:43] That is wonderful. I have been a long-term member and fan of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, NAMI, for a long time. I was a peer to peer teacher. I was a connection facilitator. I ran three of their walks here in Columbus, Ohio as their walk manager. I love speaking to NAMI chapters. I get to travel all over the country and do it. I love it when they call and hire me. I tell the story of my bipolar life. It’s called This Bipolar Life and you’re right, you can reach a lot of people quickly when you’re part of a bigger organization and I really like your answer there because we get a lot of e-mail, you know, how can we become advocates, how can we reach more people, and one of the things that we always recommend is that they join their local mental health agency. You know we don’t give any particular one it can be NAMI of course, it can be Mental Health America, it can be Depression Bipolar Support Alliance or you know, there’s all kinds of independents all over there, but so many people try to start their own agency and put it all on their back when they can join supported infrastructure and learn and reach many many people, so I’m glad that you’re so heavily involved. Those are good programs that you named.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:20:53] The other thing is, when you talked about DBSA, I have some connection to Johns Hopkins –  when I did my book launch, one of the doctors at Johns Hopkins came into a Q and A with me.  Her name is Dr. Karen Schwartz and she created the Adolescent Depression Awareness Program through Johns Hopkins mood disorder center. So one of the things that was very gratifying for me was that not only did they post pictures of my launch on the Ask Hopkins Psychiatry Facebook page and Instagram page – people can see those – but they also asked me, can we extract quotes and put them on? Of course you can. So they also extracted quotes from my launch about how I maintain my wellness and posted those at Ask Hopkins Psychiatry. And I was really honored to have that as a part of what went on with me.

 

Gabe Howard: [00:21:57] That is wonderful. I love hearing that the patient voice is in front of the medical community because it’s so important for all of us to work together and remember that the goal here is for people with mental illness to be well, it’s what we all want.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:22:10] Definitely yes.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:22:11] Yes. And the example that I often use, I’ll say, well OK, if I put on my helmet and get on my skateboard and become a skater girl, and they go, ha ha, you? And let’s say I fall off my skateboard and I break my arm in three places, my shoulder, my elbow, my wrist… you know is anybody gonna tell me, Charita, just be tough. Charita, just pray about it. Charita, leave it alone. It’ll be okay. We don’t want to talk about that. No! Somebody is gonna get me to a hospital, somewhere where somebody can deal with the broken bones and we might say, you know it was very foolish of you at your age to be on a skateboard.  But they’re going to take care of the injury and one of the things that I often say is that it is important for people to understand that mental illness is physical illness. My brain is part of my body, so the same way you would be concerned about my broken arm, we need to be concerned about brain health and mental wellness.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:23:37] Absolutely. These are things that we’ve been saying all along. In fact… you sounded like Gabe there for a minute.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:23:46] Did I? Yay!

Gabe Howard: [00:23:47] Great minds always think alike. Great minds think alike.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:23:52] That’s right Gabe. They do. They do.

Vincent M. Wales: [00:23:55] Well unfortunately Charita, we are approaching the end of our show so let’s take a minute here to talk a little bit more about your book, where people can find it, where they can find you online and all of that fun stuff.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:24:08] My book is Defying the Verdict – My Bipolar Life. You can find it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble. My website is www.charitacolebrown.com and you can see where I have spoken, podcasts that have covered me, different things that relate to the book, and how things have gone for me. I would like to say that my book was blurbed by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, the author of An Unquiet Mind, and she said that she highly recommends this book and she called my writing powerful and eloquent, so I would hope I am not tooting my own horn.

Gabe Howard: [00:25:00] You’ve done a great thing and you deserve it. And we know that you’ve been on a great podcast, because you were on this one.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:25:07] Absolutely absolutely. And thank you so much for including me.

Gabe Howard: [00:25:13] Oh, you’re very very welcome.

Charita Cole Brown: [00:25:14] It’s really wonderful to be a part of your community.

Gabe Howard: [00:25:19] Wonderful thank you so much for being here and thank you everyone else for tuning in. Remember, you can get one week of free convenient affordable private online counselling anytime anywhere. All you have to do is go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. Give it a try. Thank you so much and we will see you next week.

Narrator 1: [00:25:42] Thank you for listening to the Psych Central Show. Please rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you found this podcast. We encourage you to share our show on social media and with friends and family. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/show. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website. Psych Central is overseen by Dr. John Grohol, a mental health expert and one of the pioneering leaders in online mental health. Our host Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who travels nationally. You can find more information on Gabe at GabeHoward.com. Our co-host Vincent M. Wales is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor and author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels. You can learn more about Vincent at VincentMWales.dot com. If you have feedback about the show, please email talkback@psychcentral.com.

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-defying-bipolar-disorder/

6 Tips to Let Go of a Toxic Relationship and Heal Yourself

Put your toxic relationship behind you for good.

If falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, then letting go of it is the most horrible feeling in the world — even when you know full and well it’s a toxic relationship.

Deciding that it’s time to bite the bullet and figure out how to break up with someone you love because your relationship isn’t healthy doesn’t make the act of letting go any easier.

There is nothing worse than the physical pain of losing a love — even a toxic one. The pit in your stomach, the broken heart, and the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Signs It’s Time to Let Go…Even if You’re Still in Love

Learning how to let go of someone you love once you realize their presence in your life is truly toxic requires careful thought and commitment.

So if you’re ready to take the plunge, here are 6 ways for how to break up with someone you love when you’re in a toxic relationship that will help you learn how to let go and move on.

1. Ask Yourself If You Are Ready to Really Do This.

Before you begin any life-changing process, you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10, how close to a 10 are you? Without steadfast determination, you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.

So, are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren’t strong enough to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is a “yes”, then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

Either way, ask yourself some tough questions about this relationship and make a conscious decision to stay or go. Doing so, making a purposeful move, will help you start respecting and loving yourself again which is a key part of letting go toxic love.

2. Block Him Everywhere.

We all think that we need “closure” at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

But closure is a myth. Closure is actually one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. If you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn’t you make it work as a couple?

So, when you’ve decided that the relationship is over, cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, and stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So, go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

As a side benefit, not spending your time and energy stalking him on Facebook but doing something that makes you feel good is exactly what you need to do to start loving yourself again.

3. Define What You Need to Let Go Of.

This is very important. What is it that you need to let go of to move on?

You may be ready to let go of a man that you know isn’t the one for you, but you still struggle with your decision because of the love you feel.

What you should do is to look at it like an onion —​ feelings are layers that must be removed to get to the core. What was the top layer?

The first layer might be anger. Perhaps anger at your man and how he treated you. Or maybe anger with yourself for wasting time on him. You have to deal with your issues and let them go, separating them out one by one.

By examining each layer of the onion, you’ll be able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which leaves you with the one piece that you want to hold on to; one that won’t hold you back from moving on. It’s the final piece you can carry in your heart going forward.

4. Question What Is True and What Is Not.

This is such an important piece of letting go.

You have ideas in your head about truths in your relationships but, unfortunately, often these truths are not so true — they are just hopes and dreams you’ve made up over the course of the relationship.

Are your hopes and dreams of a life that you want with your boyfriend that have absolutely no basis in reality? For example, are you hoping he’ll want to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids, and grow old together? You might have this idea firmly stuck in your head that this is what you want, and believe that if your boyfriend loved you enough, he would embrace that dream, too.

What you don’t realize is that although this dream of yours is wonderful, there’s possibly no way you’re going to have it with your boyfriend. Maybe he loves the city, hates livestock, and doesn’t want kids for at least another decade.

Consider the things you know to be true, which is what he doesn’t want, and stack them up next to what you do want: your hopes and dreams. When you do, you’ll finally see the truth of the situation is different from what you’ve been telling yourself in your head.

Armed with that knowledge, you are one step closer to letting him go.

Solving the Toughest Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up

5. Figure Out What You Really Want in a Relationship.

The final part of letting go is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship. Without knowing what you want you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So, make a list. Make a list of what you want from a man in a relationship with you. It doesn’t have to be long, but make it comprehensive.

Perhaps it can be something like: “Someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids and who wants to make me a priority in his life.”

So, make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are reading this article, he won’t match up with many of the things on that list and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can’t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

Right now, take a moment and picture the guy who has all the traits that you want in a man, sitting right next to you. How good would that feel, to be loved by someone who was the right person for you? And what a great way to get back to loving yourself.

Letting go of something that once seemed so promising is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it. Learning how to let go of toxic love can seem difficult but if you can master it your life will only get better.

So, cut off contact, peel back the onion, question your assumptions, and define what you want. Before you know it, you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

6. Get Yourself Back Out There.

Right now, you probably feel like you might never love again, but putting yourself back out there doesn’t mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up, flirt, date, and have a lot of fun.

And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love. But in the meantime, you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl. Embrace it!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Let Go Of A Toxic Love (So You Can Heal & Move On).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-tips-to-let-go-of-a-toxic-relationship-and-heal-yourself/

Drop the Struggle and Embrace Your Emotions

Society tries to convince us that we can control our internal experiences. We constantly hear messages like “Don’t worry about it. Relax. Calm down.”

That’s dead wrong. Just hearing the words “Don’t worry” can make us anxious.

Telling yourself “Don’t worry” isn’t much different. The more often we think, “Don’t feel anxious you can’t feel anxious don’t be depressed don’t be sad you shouldn’t be upset” the more anxious, depressed, sad and upset we’ll become.

Let’s take a metaphor from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, developed by Hayes and Masuda, as an example of how this process works. Imagine that you’re hooked up to a very sensitive polygraph machine. This polygraph machine can pick up the slightest physiological changes that occur in your body, including any changes in heartbeat, pulse, muscle tension, sweat, or any type of minor arousal.

Now suppose I say, “Whatever you do, don’t get anxious while you’re hooked up to this highly sensitive device!”  

What do you imagine might happen?

You guessed it. You’d start getting anxious.

Now suppose I pull out a gun and say, “No, seriously, whatever you do as long as you are hooked up to this polygraph machine you cannot get anxious! Otherwise, I shoot!”

You’d get extremely anxious.

Now imagine I say, “Give me your phone or I’ll shoot.”

You’d give me your phone.

Or if I say “Give me a dollar or I’ll shoot.”

You’d give me a dollar.

Although society tries to sell us the idea that we can control our internal experiences the same way we do objects in the external world, the truth is that we actually can’t. We can’t control our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, the way we can control objects in the world. In fact, the more we try to control or change our internal experiences the more out of control we feel. The more we try to get rid of distressing thoughts and feelings the stronger they become.

This is what many of us do to ourselves when we experience uncomfortable feelings. Our minds, like the polygraph machine, pick up sensations in our bodies. Then we pull out the gun against ourselves and tell ourselves not to have certain emotions. We start struggling with trying to control and eliminate certain thoughts and feelings. The more we try get rid of our experience the more they intensify.

What if we dropped the gun and were kind to ourselves instead? Thoughts and feelings shift and change like the weather. They are temporary. They intensify when we bully ourselves, and fade away with acceptance and self-compassion.

Painful feelings such as loneliness, fear, sadness, deprivation, rejection, and disappointment are an unavoidable part of life. They are just a part of being a human being. Although we don’t have control over having painful emotions that are a part of being alive, we always have control over our actions. We can always choose to respond in ways that are consistent with our values, regardless of how we feel.

We may sometimes think that our emotions force us to act a certain way. We think our emotions are in charge. They’re not. We are. We are never ever truly trapped into actions we don’t want. We can always choose to respond to our emotions in ways that leave us free.

So, how can we drop the gun and embrace all our internal experiences?

1. Notice when you’re pulling out a gun on yourself — judging or struggling with your internal experience.  
2. Drop the struggle. Instead, give the emotion a neutral label. Say to yourself “I feel scared” or “I feel hurt.”
3. Notice the sensations in your body that comes with that emotion. Stay present with the sensations. Notice the size, shape, color, and texture of the sensation.
4. Drop the story in your head about “why” you’re feeling this way. Focus on sensations and feelings rather than ideas.  
5. Open up to the emotional experience. Practicing self-compassion and loving kindness helps us soften up to our emotional experience without pushing it away. Put your hand on your heart and speak to yourself as you would to someone you love. You might say, “This is really difficult” or “It makes sense that I feel sad now.”
6. Remember we are all in this together. Think of all the people right now in this world who are feeling helpless, lonely, deprived, or rejected. You are not alone. Being human comes with pain.

Those steps are the essence of self-compassionate care. Self-compassion is embracing your humanness.

Choose self-compassion and you will be free to act in line with your values.

For now, please take this message to heart. Much of the time, you’re the one with the gun. Don’t pull out the gun and you will be free.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/drop-the-struggle-and-embrace-your-emotions/

My Journey to Understanding Reactive Attachment Disorder

The last thing you think about when adopting a child is that they might have a complex psychiatric disorder. When my wife and I were getting ready to adopt Bracken almost two decades ago, we had no idea what we were in for when we said yes to adopting our son.

We thought we only had to worry about our son’s day-to-day cares. We would love him and eventually, we would bond and grow to be a happy family. Unfortunately, things didn’t quite go as planned.

We adopted our son, Bracken, when he was six years old. From the beginning, there were signs that things weren’t okay with our child. The way he refused to make eye contact, the way he remained stiff and unresponsive when hugged or touched and, most of all, how he wouldn’t offer any of us the slightest bit of affection. I felt like a failure and concluded that I wasn’t any good at parenting.

As he grew older, we decided to seek professional help. The first pediatricians we saw reassured us that he was fine and was probably just taking longer to adapt to his new life. We were advised to be patient, and he’d come around. He didn’t and after visiting a string of doctors and therapists, our then 8-year-old son was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

Parenting a Child with RAD

After the diagnosis, I was confused and a bit lost. What was RAD? How does one manage it? How were we going to bring up our son to have a normal life, or as close to normal, with all that he had going on? Back then, there was little information on RAD and few therapists who could help us.

Through trial and error, patience, observation and quite a bit of research over the ensuing years, I learned a few things about raising a child with RAD. This, in turn, has improved my relationship with my son. If you are the parent of a child with RAD, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Have realistic parenting expectations.

RAD kids are different from other children. Since they experienced some trauma (abuse, neglect, etc.) in their early years which affected their ability to form attachments with their family or caregivers, their primary concern is safety. Due to this, they have a harder time forming bonds than other children.

I found that adjusting my expectations and meeting my son at his level, instead of where I wanted him to be, made a tremendous difference.

Patience is essential with RAD children.

In those early years, my son simply didn’t understand the connection between actions and their consequences. It took time to make him see that what he did led to certain outcomes and we had to keep reinforcing this until he got it. I also needed patience to deal with his outbursts, arguments and constant battle for control.

Love and parental common sense aren’t enough.

As a parent of a RAD child, you’ll need to do more than just love your kid. I learned that I needed to be curious about the journey unfolding before us. Also, I needed to be emotionally available and flexible to handle my son’s needs as well as needing to have a healthy sense of humor to deal with it all.

Support and assistance are vital.

Support is a vital asset for parents whose children have behavioral and development issues. Seeking out others going through the same things as we were helped me realize that I wasn’t alone. In addition to joining support groups, we found a therapist who knows about and works specifically with RAD kids, and she’s been of tremendous help.

Raising a RAD kid can be intense, frustrating and tiring but also rewarding. Although it has been a scary journey with lots of surprises, it has had many beautiful moments, and I wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

References:

Reactive attachment disorder — infographic. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.sundancecanyonacademy.com/reactive-attachment-disorder-infographic/

Jacobson, T. (2016, June 20). The ups and downs of parenting a child with RAD. [Blog post] Retrieved from https://adoption.com/the-ups-and-downs-of-parenting-a-child-with-rad

Natural consequences for RAD children & teens. (2010, October). Retrieved from http://www.reactiveattachment-disorder.com/2010/10/natural-consequences-for-rad-children.html

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/my-journey-to-understanding-reactive-attachment-disorder/

Why Are Relationships So Difficult?

Have you ever wondered why you can meet someone and “know” instantly that you’re attracted to them?  You feel your heart pound, butterflies in your stomach, and an intense desire to “make something happen.”  This is the power of our unconscious.  Our unconscious drives us. We are unable to say, in that moment, exactly what it is that draws us to that person. It is overwhelming, an overpowering combination of sensations that have no words.

What is our unconscious? It is a compilation of dynamics, processes, beliefs, attitudes, suppressed memories and feelings. We don’t have access to our unconscious (which is what makes it unconscious). We are unable to think about our unconscious mind. This is what makes it so difficult to understand our reactions, feelings and motivations, and attachments to those who hurt us.

Childhood experiences provide the foundation for adult functioning, including selection of partners and the way in which these relationships play out. For those lucky enough to have had emotionally and psychologically healthy parents who understood their own trauma histories and the effects those experiences had on their development, those parents are in a good position to be able to meet the needs of their developing child.

Sadly, many are unaware of the effects of their childhood; they either minimize, deny or rationalize their impacts. Despite their best efforts, the behavioral manifestations of that lack of awareness and resolution of those wounds get projected onto their children. Children, being entirely dependent on their parents to provide an accurate reflection of who they are, readily absorb these projections, which ultimately get internalized in the form of self-esteem and self-image.

As children continue to develop, these projections and internalizations continue, and become increasingly cemented over time. The result is a set of beliefs, rules, expectations, perceptions, judgments, attitudes and feelings about the self and others.  This is all unconscious.

At the outset of a romantic relationship, we are ecstatic, full of hope, desire and fantasy. Fears and dread slowly emerge when we begin to see the “other” as a real person. All of those internalized expectations, rules (about how one should behave in any given situation) and judgments unfold, as does our anxiety and fear that we will be hurt. This then is the current version of a very old experience of need, hope and longing, and dread of retraumatization (in the form of rejection, abandonment and betrayal). The past is now alive and well in the present. However, given our lack of awareness of our unconscious processes, we become overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts that we recognize (hopefully), on some level, don’t necessarily make sense.

This is where relationships can either be healing or retraumatizing. Healing if both parties are interested in introspection, developing self-awareness, and are motivated to “own their 50%” and understand the reality of what is occurring in the present moment. All too often, retraumatization occurs. It comes in the form of projection and reactions to perceived criticism, judgment, and rejection. Without awareness of how our early history has influenced our interpretation of behaviors, there is a great likelihood of a distorted perception and an over-determined response (a reaction based on an early traumatic experience that has been triggered in our unconscious).  One can see how this can easily result in a spiral of mutual accusations and/or retreat.

The only way out of this mass of confusion and mutual wounding is to develop self-awareness, examine our childhood histories and the wounds they created, understand those defenses we have developed to cope and protect ourselves, build the “muscles” to tolerate our feelings, learn the language of effective communication and the skills for resolving relational conflict. This process is empowering, liberating, and ultimately can result in the type of intimacy we long for.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-are-relationships-so-difficult/

Neurodiversity: A Dangerous Extension of a Discredited Philosophy

What started as a well-intentioned movement within the autism community to expand the civil rights of autistic persons has quickly become a dangerous and misguided exercise in mental illness denial. The concept of “neurodiversity” is now readily applied not only to autism but to bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and the range of psychiatric disorders—even disorders long-established as serious forms of psychopathology. The concept has quickly become a “buzzword” used by patients, their families, social commentators, and mental health professionals alike.

In a nutshell, the concept implies that mental disorders such as those listed above should be considered normal variations of human cognitive experience—not disorders amenable to professional intervention and treatment. Thus, the individual suffering from schizophrenia who may be experiencing debilitating symptoms such as paranoid ideation and auditory hallucinations is told that he is not ill or diseased in any real sense but merely a victim of society’s inability to tolerate his odd behavior. It is not hard to see how such a concept can lead to treatment avoidance, unnecessary suffering, and the neglect of the most vulnerable members of our society.

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Upon closer scrutiny, it becomes apparent that “neurodiversity” is just another failed attempt at depathologizing mental illness, a flawed and dangerous extension of the “antipsychiatry” movement, based on the logical fallacy that mental disorder is not genuine disease. In a recent article in Psychology Today (The Reality of Mental Illness https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freud-fluoxetine/201808/the-reality-mental-illness) Psychiatrist Ronald Pies and I set out to debunk many of the common claims of antipsychiatry, including the myth that mental illness is merely a metaphor and that psychiatry functions as a state-sanctioned agent of social control, intent on locking people up and depriving them of freedom.

Neurodiversity’s appeal is that it is well-intentioned. No one wishes to deny basic human and civil rights to autistic or other mentally ill persons. But as much as neurodiversity’s proponents seek to wish mental illness away, the problems remain. The patient with schizophrenia continues to hear voices. The patient with bipolar disorder continues to experience crippling mood swings. And patients with major depression frequently teeter on the brink of suicide. While redefining mental illness as something other than pathology may seem like an admirable attempt at improving the social condition of the mentally ill, its effect is the exact opposite. Paradoxically, the concept of neurodiversity serves only to perpetuate the myth that mental illness is non-disease and worsen the suffering of those so afflicted.

While it is understandable—albeit misguided—for patients and their families to endorse the view that mentally ill persons are just “different” and not sick (after all, human nature is to avoid disease, not seek it), it is grossly negligent for mental health professionals—those entrusted to care for the psychiatrically ill and the experts on human behavior—to do the same.

I contend that it is possible to simultaneously seek improved social conditions for the mentally ill, i.e. greater societal inclusion, tolerance, and human dignity, and accept the fact that the mentally ill are ill in the literal sense. Improving the lot of the mentally ill does not require the negation of the very real conditions from which they suffer. In fact, such denial of the reality of mental illness only makes matters a whole lot worse.

A multitude of factors have contributed to the current mental health crisis facing the U.S.,
but chief among them is the perception that the mentally ill are less deserving of care because of the nature of their illnesses themselves. The stigma surrounding mental illness is very much alive and well, and despite neurodiversity’s stated intentions, it is exacerbated by claims that the mentally ill are not really sick, their illnesses a social invention, the result of an intolerant society bent on casting them as mentally diseased.

What started as a grassroots effort by autistic persons and their families to improve the public perception of their condition, has morphed into a broader movement that represents our century’s version of Szasz’s “Myth of Mental Illness.” 600,000 inpatient beds have turned into 30,000. Admission to a psychiatric unit or hospital has become nearly impossible. Outpatient psychotherapy is offered only to those who can afford it. Those most in need are the most likely to fall through the cracks of the system and end up homeless, in prison, or dead by suicide.

While the proponents of the neurodiversity paradigm have the best interests of the mentally ill at heart—namely their dignity and worth as human beings, the movement misses the broader implications of their philosophy. Improving the social condition of the mentally ill requires, first and foremost, an acceptance of the reality of mental illness.

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/neurodiversity-a-dangerous-extension-of-a-discredited-philosophy