To Be, and Truly Just Be: A Soliloquy for Suicide Prevention Week

Nine months ago, I stood at my father’s burial in front of family and friends, trying to gather my thoughts. At the time, it was particularly difficult to form them into words. My dad had just ended his life. But then, as I was standing there, I remembered something I had read only seven days prior, on ways to help yourself feel safe in an insane world. And I began by sharing what I learned.

I learned that “anxiety needs the future,” and “depression needs the past.”

My dad suffered deeply from both of these things: his fear and lack of control over all that lay ahead, and his regret over the things he couldn’t go back and change. He suffered from an unhealthy relationship with time. He lost his footing in the here- and-now. And it made him struggle — as all too many of us do — with the age-old Shakespearean dilemma: “To be, or not to be.”

Though it’s still difficult to admit it, this very question had plagued my mind during my own battle — one that I never imagined possible for me, and one that I was lucky enough to win — just six months prior. And so as I stood there at my father’s burial, with many knowing eyes upon me, I shared an answer that the article had given: to “be present.” It was an answer that spoke to my heart, and so, I told them that — in that moment — and as hard of a moment as it was, I was grateful to be with them.

Ever since that day, I have been thinking a lot about being present. I’ve been thinking about being centered, being grounded. In short, I’ve been thinking about… being. And I began wondering why it was so difficult to come up with a concrete meaning for what was perhaps the most basic verb in the English language, without consulting the online search engine God(s). And I worried: had I forgotten how to be?

Eventually, I turned to Google, and this is what they had to say:

Be /bē/ (verb.): 1. exist.
2. occupy a position in space.
3. stay in the same condition.

Sounds easy enough, right? Well… I’m not so sure, to be honest. After all, the word “be” is actually most commonly used in it’s 4th meaning: “possess the state, quality, or nature specified”. This is when “be” is followed by other words rather than a period. Other — sometimes aspirational — words used by and for us humans like “smart”, “healthy”, “hardworking”, “good-looking”, “athletic”, etc… the list goes on and on.
After some thinking on the subject, I began to wonder if the overwhelm of focusing on the many things we know we are supposed to “be”, but sometimes fall short of (or think we fall short of), diminishes our ability to more simply… be. To be in the traditional, unembellished sense: to be comfortable in our own skin; to be one with ourselves and our surroundings; to be at peace. (i.e. definitions 1-3 above).

So, I guess my question really is… have we as a society forgotten how to just be?

Ironically, I think it’s when we constantly try to “be” too many things at once (or perhaps one really astronomical thing) that we entirely forget how to exist with any amount of calmness and composure in the present moment. When stressed beyond our normal capacity, our minds scatter and it can feel like we aren’t even inhabiting our own body. We can end up spiraling out of control, and losing our sense of place and time and self. We land somewhere dark and frightening and terrible. And it’s then, when we get to the very deepest bottom of that downward spiral, that we think it might be better simply “not to be”. Because at that point, the thought of being anything at all has become unbearable.

I know it all too well. I’ve been there once for a horrific six-week stint, and I hope never to be brought back again. So, in the spirit of suicide prevention week, I thought I’d share with you how I go about keeping anxiety and depression at bay. Yes, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about just being. But more than that, I’ve been putting it into practice. I’ve been learning how to quiet my mind and focus on the present moment. And I’ll admit, it isn’t easy — even for the mentally healthy, happy mind to achieve. But if, God forbid, there were to be a next time for me… because of my practice, I’ll know better how to close my eyes, to find myself… and to be. To be, and truly just be…

Perhaps that is our answer.

This article originally appeared on the Washington Post.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/09/06/to-be-and-truly-just-be-a-soliloquy-for-suicide-prevention-week/