Shrieking in Silence: Can Anyone Hear?

You remember the chilling Kitty Genovese case? As Kitty hysterically shrieked for help — her voice echoing through the New York night, 38 neighbors ignored her hysterical pleas. The neighbors’ blurry thought process, “Well, maybe someone else will help” or “I am not able to assist her.” Collectively, there was a diffusion of responsibility.

“What does this have to do with mind happiness?” you wonder. Let me explain.

Mind happiness is a habit — one that demands your attention. Right now. As the whirring thoughts torment, we can lament our circumstances — beseeching others to help — or even save — us. But just like in Kitty’s case, others may not be physically or emotionally available.

Here’s the unequivocal truth: You have the power to help yourself.   

Let’s take exercise. Many Americans — myself included — are in a battle with our expanding bulge. Sure exercise can be more of a chore than mowing the lawn. But as I establish an exercise routine — and attempt to maintain my overly optimistic New Year’s resolution, I empower myself to eat healthier, meet with a personal trainer, and substitute football Saturdays for, you know, actually playing football on Saturdays. The theme: take action. Decisive action. Because when you wait for others, your pleas may go unheard.

Let’s apply this to mind health treatment. In my case, the OCD thoughts have lobbed verbal grenades since adolescence. My default response: the mental equivalent of a half-hearted shrug. If I just ignore the thoughts, I reason, they will go away. Or, maybe, I could try wishing away the anxiety inducing thoughts.

Hope may be a winning political strategy; unfortunately, it isn’t a winning mind health strategy.

A half-hearted shrug is the equivalent of acquiesce. And, sadly, I cannot wish — or will away — the tormenting thoughts. In fact, inaction tightened their stranglehold. Willful blindness is just that — willful and blindness.

But here’s what you — and I — can do. When the thoughts blitzkrieg your overwhelmed mind, you define them. Each and every time. That thought about harming a loved one? Nonsense. That disturbing sexual image? Throw it in the garbage — not the recycle — bin.

As I categorize each of these thoughts for what they are, their power — miraculously — dissipates. That vice grip loosens and, in its place, something resembling tranquility appears. Even more significantly, I have empowered myself. It is futile — and arguably counterproductive — to attempt to control your mind. As mental health consumers, we know this truism better than most.

But in defining the OCD thoughts, you strike an ideal balance between resistance and acceptance. As I have consciously committed to labeling the thoughts (“OK–that is a trick thought; I can move on”), the labeling process has become semi-automatic. And, thankfully, I am now averting those once automatic sinkholes.

When the agonizing thoughts strike, my instinctive reaction has been “retreat retreat retreat.” I slink into bed or frantically call a close confidante. These are passive–even avoidance — strategies. And, sadly, they exacerbate the already writhing anxiety.

Experience has taught — and humbled — me. As my mind shrieks, I know that I am the only one who can hear. Mind health wellness is more than a spectator sport; you cannot be a disengaged witness to your own mental well-being. Innocent bystander? Like Kitty’s neighbors, you are far more culpable than you know.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/31/shrieking-in-silence-can-anyone-hear/

How to Use Exercise to Overcome Abuse and Bullying and Heal Your Brain

Most therapists, doctors, and mental health professionals recommend exercise to combat depression and anxiety caused by abuse and bullying. However, at no fault of their own, they rarely offer a specific plan. That is because until now it has not been out there. But that has changed recently.

For the first time, we can align exercise routines with mental health issues for recovery. We can align changes to the brain that occur with specific mental health issues with specific movements designed to heal affected brain areas and make people feel better.

In this case, we are focused only on the long-term effects of abuse and bullying on the brain and how to heal the brain using a specific exercise routine. Chronic abuse shrinks or thins out the prefrontal cortex (front brain) and medial temporal cortex (deep, center brain) regions of the brain. This causes long-term emotional, social, and cognitive impairment. People who have been abused face problems that include difficulties planning, making decisions, and moderating social behavior. This causes a lifetime battle with anxiety and depression.

The first thing for anyone who has been victimized by abuse or bullying to understand is that the changes that occurred in your brain were the direct result of what someone else did to you. These changes in your brain are not your fault nor were they under your control. They were natural defense mechanisms. But the good news is that we now know exercise positively affects these same structures (prefrontal cortex and medial temporal cortex) that abuse and bullying hurt. Regular exercise increases the thickness of these thinned brain areas, healing the brain.

But, here is the critical point — different exercises affect the brain differently and it has to be a specific type of exercise structured in a specific way to help you. To combat the effects of abuse and bullying we have to use a specific exercise plan. Outlined here is an easy program to help you get started and use for however long you would like. Follow these steps for immediate results that will add up over time.

Step #1: Choose one exercise from the list below

• Walking, jogging, and/or running
• Stepping
• Bicycling
• Elliptical training

You are probably asking, why these forms of exercise only? The reason is that they are simple, rhythmic exercises that use patterns. The abused brain needs a consistent and predictable environment to heal. Additionally, as we will see later, chaotic and high-intensity exercise produces stress chemicals that actually cause anxiety!

Step #2: Get started

Literally, just start moving. You might be uncomfortable at first. It is normal. Most everyone is, and that is because during the first two minutes of exercise your heart and body are adjusting to the exercise. During this time your brain is beginning to respond to the pattern of walking, jogging, or stepping.

Give it 10 minutes and the endorphins or feel good chemicals will kick in making it easier. By 10 minutes the oxygen-rich blood has made its way to your brain. The prefrontal cortex (one of the areas affected by abuse and bullying) relaxes, creating a controlled environment abused brains crave. You’re in the “zone” and need to stay there for about 20 minutes. This is when your brain begins to heal.

Answers to your common questions:

1. How fast should I go? A moderate, comfortable pace. You should be able to talk, but not hold a detailed, lengthy conversation.
2. What if I cannot complete 20 minutes at once? Stop, rest, focus on your breathing, and start again. Do not sit down!

Some of the effects of exercise are immediate. Things like the endorphin kick and the increased sense of well-being you can feel right away. You will also feel good for about two hours after exercise because your brain will be getting more blood creating euphoria and a more productive and creative environment.

But for the long-term healing to truly take place, you will need to give it three to four weeks of four to five sessions per week of 20 minutes each. And you will have to keep it up. Just as muscles begin to lose mass after 48 hours of last activity, the brain requires constant engagement too.

One final note about exercise for recovery — we have all been told that we have to work out harder and follow difficult routines to see results. That is simply NOT TRUE! In fact, the opposite is true and we have had it wrong about the value of high-intensity exercise and programs that rely on “muscle confusion”. Prolonged high intensity, chaotic exercises that use too many different movements is counterproductive. These forms of popular exercise actually increase anxiety! They stimulate the release of pain and stress chemicals that cause worry.

Having said that, that is why simple, rhythmic exercises like cycling are recommended to heal the abused brain. Just get moving — whether you take a walk outside or on a treadmill take that first step to realizing the happiness that you deserve!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/31/how-to-use-exercise-to-overcome-abuse-and-bullying-and-heal-your-brain/

Best of Our Blogs: January 31, 2017

Are you waiting until your relative “gets” you, employer appreciates you or the political atmosphere to calm down before you feel better?

We often wait until external circumstances change to change us. But real power comes from creating our own life rafts.

Let our top posts on self-soothing and self-discovery inspire you to prepare your own self-care kit. Some things you might want to consider are a candle, journal, pair of warm socks, and an afternoon with yourself or hike with someone you love. Think of things that feel good to you and neglect the obligatory tasks for awhile.

When you are feeling ill or unwell, you can turn to this treasure trove of goodies to lift your spirits and nourish your soul. Armed with inner strength, you will feel empowered to survive anything.

5 Little Known Hallmarks of A Psychologically Healthy Person
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – How psychologically healthy are you? These five signs will surprise you.

How Not to Cope with a Narcissist
(The Exhausted Woman) – It’s not just the narcissist that exhibits unhealthy and even toxic behavior. Find out the things you do to manage a narcissistic person in your life that does not serve you.

Clark Gable’s Daughter and Narcissistic Trigger Words
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – If you’ve ever received an email, text or card from a narcissistic person, you will identify with this famous daughter’s experience.

Self-Soothing During Difficult Times
(Bipolar Laid Bare) – What do you reach for during difficult times? Instead of harmful ways to relieve negative feelings, try these self-soothing techniques.

10 Questions to Ask Yourself Every Night
(Weightless) – Most of us are too busy to check in. If you’re feeling disconnected, reach for your journal and ask yourself these questions.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/31/best-of-our-blogs-january-31-2017/

Rebuilding Relationships After Rehab

You’ve done it. After years of denial, after suffering many losses (people, jobs, money), you finally looked at your life of addiction and said “Enough.” You went into rehab to quit the addiction and to start a new life. Give yourself enormous credit for that. Making the decision to do it took courage. Staying in the program took commitment and determination.

Now you have to meet the challenge of returning to the life you left. You have made major changes. But chances are that the home you are returning to hasn’t.

A good program will have included planning for the return home. Rehab isn’t recovery. It’s a jump-start — often an excellent one. But recovery, if it is to be real and lasting, takes a commitment to lifestyle change. And lifestyle change involves the other people in your life. How can you get the folks at home to support your recovery?

It’s important to have realistic expectations. Don’t expect them to see only the “new you”. They’ve lived with the “old you” for a very long time. They are probably happy to have you home but it makes sense that they are on guard. Let’s look at the various relationships in your life and what is reasonable to expect.

Your spouse or significant other:

Reestablishing a loving and trusting relationship with your spouse or significant other isn’t going to be easy. From her or his point of view, you’ve had an “affair” with the bottle or drugs. You’ve been more committed to your addiction than to your relationship. Anger, hurt and resentment are a natural response — even though she or he continues to love you.

You may have come home energized, excited and convinced that you are going to stay clean and sober. Your partner may not share that optimism at first. If you add disappointment in your partner’s reaction to his or her feelings of rejection and hurt, you will only grow further apart. Instead, do your best to be understanding. Be willing to talk about the damage that was done by the addiction. Apologize from the heart. Ask for compassion while you recommit to working on staying clean.

Recognize that while you’ve been doing your addiction, your partner has probably been doing double duty. He or she has been both mom and dad for your kids or may have taken on all the household chores or has been making and/or managing the money to keep the family afloat. One of the many ways to go from talk to action is to take back the chores, willingly and without complaint, certainly without looking for “credit”. Just do them and do them well and maybe your significant other will start to believe you again. If you haven’t been a good partner in making and managing money, do your share.

Your relationship with your children:

 

Things aren’t going to get “back to normal” with your children because today’s “normal” is different from when you became more interested in substances than the family. While you’ve been involved with your addiction, your kids have been growing up. They have gotten so used to being disappointed by you, they may have stopped looking to you for involvement. Take the time to observe, to listen, and to understand. As with your spouse, they will probably come around when you have been really present in their lives for enough time for them to risk believing it.

Your relationship with friends:

Your rehab program probably already included conversations about the company you’ve been keeping. It’s important to separate from people who you just know will not support your sobriety.

Healthy friendships will help keep you healthy. Find ways to spend time with those healthy folks doing healthy things. Maybe someone will be a gym buddy. Perhaps you can join in making a difference in your community by joining in a project where the focus in on doing good. You need places to go and people to see who are deeply committed to positive things.

We live in a culture where drinking is often seen as part of what makes an occasion celebratory. But you probably have more concerns about being a non-drinker than the rest of the people at the party do. As one of my clients said wryly, “When I said I just wanted a tonic and lime, the party didn’t stop like in one of those freeze frame commercials.” If you feel pressured by anyone, change the subject or have a sudden need to find the restroom. If you still get pressured, leave. Your sobriety is more important than pleasing someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Support for Change

Give it time: The only antidote to people in your life being on edge is to show them through your behavior that you really are working your program. I’m often asked how long it will take for family members to trust again. The answer is “One more day than you think it should.”  Other people are not necessarily on your timeline. But as you show folks that you have really turned over a new leaf, most will eventually come around.

Get outside support: You do need support and encouragement but you may not get it (or get enough of it) from your immediate family and friends — at least for now. For that reason, it’s important to find a support group and/or a substance abuse counselor who can meet with you regularly. Some rehab programs have a partial program or continuing care support group. If so, take advantage of it. AA works for some people, but it depends entirely on the health of the members of the particular group. If you can’t find a helpful AA group, look for other options. A therapist or counselor who specializes in substance abuse can also provide ongoing support. Equally important is that a therapist you trust she can help you regain your commitment if you start to slip.

We are all aware of celebrities for whom rehab is a revolving door. They’re in. They’re out. They’re in again. They seem to want rehab to work some kind of magic so they’ll stay clean and sober. Unfortunately, there isn’t magic to be had at even the best, most pricey or most popular program. The “magic” lies in a person’s decision to follow through. Going to rehab can be an important first step toward a better life. But it’s only a first step.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/30/rebuilding-relationships-after-rehab/

3 Reasons You Handed that Life Coach Your Money (And Why that Doesn’t Make You Stupid)

One of humanity’s best traits is the individual’s desire to become their best self. Since way before humanistic psychology labelled this self-actualization, humans have been searching for something higher, something better; their key to happiness. Whether that search was within the realms of spirituality, for a higher understanding, or capitalism, for a higher bank balance, the seekers shared a similar motivation; to become the person that they dreamed of being, their ideal self.

With such a demand, it’s unsurprising that a huge array of coaches and self-styled gurus has sprung up to meet the need. Knowledge of humanity also makes it unsurprising that among the many undoubted experts are a large number of inexpert people claiming expert status — some from lack of understanding, some undoubtedly charlatans.

I find myself increasingly speaking to people who handed over sums of money — often large sums — to a coach, only to find that, having followed instruction to the best of their ability, they don’t get the promised result. Worse, a small minority find that the guru on whom they’ve pinned their hopes, and often their life savings or the entire capacity of their credit card, has deliberately mis-sold them, with no intention of refunding.

Sadly, the reactions of those who’ve been fooled are usually focused negatively inward — self-criticism, depression, loss of confidence. The truth is that people intentionally practicing deception understand the drives of human motivation, and how to use them against you. Here are some of the processes in play, as defined by the psychologists who researched them.

Systematic Errors – Kahneman

There are two human systems of thinking — the fast, automatic system 1 that normally controls our reactions, and the slower system 2, which jumps in where processing power is required. Usually, system 1 is in charge — and system 1 is subject to systematic biases, rules of thumb that you’ve learned to respond to automatically.

The reason you overestimated the likelihood of getting the result you want is probably the availability heuristic. We judge how often things happen by how easily they come to mind; and we remember memorable stories like those of great success. System 1 brings instances to mind, and system 2 focuses on the stories to make sense of the content. Events and marketing material all provide lots of stories of success.

We’re more susceptible to availability biases when we’re in flow state, when we’re busy, happy and most especially when we’re made to feel powerful. People who feel empowered trust their intuition more. Which is just what that event environment or long sales letter are meant to do.

Principles of Influence – Cialdini

Cialdini’s focus was on the tactics that make us buy, regardless of logic and common sense. Unsurprisingly, marketing material and events contain all or most of the six principles identified. These make you sign up, keep you signed in, even influence you to join a more expensive program. Do these sound familiar?

• Reciprocity – giving something free to a potential client, so they feel obliged to give something back.
• Consistency and Commitment – the need to stick by something you’ve signed up for, even when you no longer feel comfortable.
• Social Proof – if nobody else is speaking up, you must be wrong.
• Liking – the obligation that the person’s friendliness puts you under (even when you suspect their charm may be a little bit narcissistic).
• Authority – the person has positioned as an “expert” and we’re conditioned to obey experts — even self-proclaimed ones.
• Scarcity – it’s only available to 10 people. Or today. Or at this price now. Or… well, you get the picture. Sometimes the scarcity may be genuine but often it isn’t.

Cialdini recommends becoming aware of the way that these principles work, and setting yourself a mental alert. You may not stop the reaction, but you can stop yourself acting on it automatically.

Social Identity Theory – Tajfel

Social identities are based on the groups we feel part of, and significantly affect on how we see ourselves. To claim membership of a “status” group increases self-esteem and feelings of well-being. Leaving a group can be a source of anxiety and cause self-concept challenges. It’s normal to favor your own groups (ingroup) and discriminate against other groups (outgroup).

For a coach trainer who has attracted many clients into a group program, this makes it plain sailing. Many are heavily pushing the “lifestyle” aspect, inviting you into an exclusive “club”; this has the double-edged function of making you identify with the ingroup, and creating a subconscious fear of leaving and becoming a shunned “outgroup” person. You need look no further for the reason these mentors go to such lengths to prevent dissenting voices.

The moral of this? Research thoroughly. All that glitters is not gold, especially in the coaching industry. What are their qualifications and personal experience? Why do they believe they can help you?

Above all, listen to your instinct. That’s Kahneman’s system one, giving you a warning based on experience. Then apply the judgement Cialdini advises.

But please remember that to have been taken in by someone does not make you stupid. It means only that your brain is working how it’s meant to, and that you didn’t at the time have the reference material to challenge the information. And if the worst comes to the worst, you didn’t walk away from this with nothing. You walked away with a set of alarm bells to stop it happening again.

References:

Cialdini, R. B. (2007). Influence: The psychology of persuasion. New York: Collins.

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1986). “The social identity theory of intergroup behaviour”. In S. Worchel & W. G. Austin. Psychology of Intergroup Relations. Chicago, IL: Nelson-Hall. pp. 7–24.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/30/3-reasons-you-handed-that-life-coach-your-money-and-why-that-doesnt-make-you-stupid/

The Final Step for Couples Seeking to Survive Infidelity: Address Other Relationship Issues

In the aftermath of infidelity, your relationship can be saved.

Arising from the emotional devastation of one of life’s most painful betrayals, a couple can build a fresh foundation of love, support, and respect that endures a lifetime.

Doing so isn’t easy.

To stack the odds in your favor, there are 7 Survival Steps that I have identified that couples must take if they are to rebound from the ruins of infidelity. These are steps — to be followed in sequence — that when completed, offer both partners an excellent chance of sustaining and fortifying their couple.

In this article, I will discuss Step #7: Building a Healthy and Happy Relationship. To read about Steps #1 through #6, as well as my other previous Psych Central articles, visit: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/author/abe-kass/.

The path from discovery to recovery allows no shortcuts. The journey will take as long as necessary — sometimes months or even years, and may be helped by seeing a relationship counselor.

In Steps #1 through #6, the central character is the infidelity and each partner’s response to it.

In Step #7, the spotlight turns to the broader relationship, with a close eye on problems that predate the infidelity and continue to pose a threat to the harmony of the couple.

Infidelity seldom occurs in a vacuum. Other hurtful relationship issues, although never a justification for infidelity, must be identified, examined, and addressed in order for a couple to forge a lasting, fulfilling relationship.

For example, if one or both partners felt a lack of sexual or emotional intimacy prior to the affair, now is the time to resolve the problem. The partner who strayed, who for the sake of illustration, I call “John,” must be candid if he was unfulfilled sexually.

“Sue,” the partner who was betrayed, likewise must speak up now if she felt that John had prioritized work or community involvement over spending quality time with her.

The ultimate strength and durability of John and Sue’s relationship depend on both partners finding satisfaction.

Note that “John” and “Sue,” names that I’ve applied throughout this seven-part series, are fictional amalgams of real-life men and women who I’ve seen in my counseling practice. The lessons would apply no differently if it were Sue who strayed and John who was betrayed.

Even at Step 7, and in the relationship frontiers beyond this infidelity survival guide, it may be necessary for John to accept limited penance in the immediate aftermath of his infidelity. Spending more quality time with Sue is vital, even if it means forgoing his weekly poker game with the guys or Sunday’s at the sports bar.

But for both Sue’s and John’s sake, if John is sincerely repentant and follows each of the seven steps I’ve outlined in good faith, it is in both their interest for Sue to forgive him and close the book on this troublesome chapter of their lives.

Postscript: It’s now two years since John and Sue dutifully completed the 7 Survival Steps process and forged ahead with their lives. They remain together and, in fact, are closer than they were prior to John’s betrayal.

Their life path was altered by the infidelity and its recovery process. John and Sue found it necessary to start over in a new neighborhood to avoid running into constant reminders of John’s misbehavior and to avoid a steady stream of comments or stares from others in their old neighborhood who were unwilling to forgive and forget.

Likewise, it took time, but John ultimately left his old job (where he had worked with his paramour) and landed one that turned out to pay better and be more satisfying.  

John and Sue’s couple is not perfect. They still squabble about everyday relationship issues, such as household chores and budgeting. But even those differences seem much more manageable now because John and Sue have been to the relationship abyss and managed to step back.

John and Sue concluded, rightly, that they were better off navigating life’s ups and down together than going it alone. John’s infidelity choked their love, but never extinguished it.

John came to realize that the void in his life that he attempted to address by having an affair was much better filled by Sue, right there at home. And Sue, initially hurt and bitter, realized that John is still the man she fell in love with — a man who had made a huge mistake and now has made amends. Her forgiveness was sincere.

In real life, not every story of infidelity has a happy ending. Unfortunately, many don’t.

Ideally, partners would never betray one another, and this 7 Step Guide would be unnecessary. Short of that blissful goal, it would be useful for men and women to educate themselves about the incalculable damage that infidelity causes — before they ever stray.

Too often, by the time one or both partners turn to this 7 Step Guide for direction and comfort, the infidelity has occurred and the paradigm shifts to one of damage control.

Are you or a family member struggling to cope with the aftermath of infidelity? I offer other helpful articles at SurvivingInfidelity.info.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/30/the-final-step-for-couples-seeking-to-survive-infidelity-address-other-relationship-issues/

Breaking Free from a Manipulative Controller

Breaking free from relationship abuse is a matter of self-love, of knowing and believing where one's true worth lies and recognizing that it does not depend on satisfying the demands of the abuser or anyone else.

Tags: abuse and trauma, relationships

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life http://counsellingresource.com/features/2017/01/30/breaking-free/

Why Are People Mean?

“Friggin jerk!” Cecily screamed at the man in the blue Volvo who swerved too close for comfort. Even though her two young sons were in the car, she raged on, “What are you, a moron? Where did you learn to drive? I hope you rot.”

Cecily wanted help controlling her reactions. She knew instinctively her temper was damaging to her children and contributed to her high blood pressure. When Cecily described her road rage to me, she described herself as being angry with the man in the Blue Volvo. “Of course you were,” I validated, “After all, the driver scared the heck out of you.” But then, I explained to Cecily how she acted out that anger by yelling.

Cecily grew up in a family with lots of shouting and sometimes some hitting. Cecily naturally thought yelling and hitting WAS anger. I explained that from an emotion science standpoint, “anger” referred only to the internal experience. When her parents yelled, shouted, said mean things or hit her, they were acting out their anger. This distinction was an important one to understand.

Most people fear anger because they equate it with hurtful, scary and destructive actions. It’s an easy mistake to make. Anger happens so fast that the internal experience and the actions that follow appear to be one and the same. We have the internal experience and we act on it in an instant. 

We feel it! We act!

With a little practice, we can slow down the whole experience of being angry into the two steps it actually is.  By slowing down just a little bit, we can begin to notice a variety of things happening inside that hold the key to managing anger much more effectively. If we don’t actively slow down, however, the fuel inherent in our anger will speed us up and we will react almost immediately after the emotion is triggered in our middle brain.  

I explained to Cecily that we had to help her learn to experience her anger but NOT discharge it with yelling. I suggested, “Let’s break down your experience into two steps: 1) The internal experience of your anger and 2) the expression of your anger.

So, what does it mean to simply experience our anger (without acting it out)? 

• First it means to just notice and validate that you are angry and what happened that just triggered it. You may sense it as a jolt to your system or a rush of energy from your core. You say to yourself something like, “I notice I am angry. I think my anger arose just after the waiter took someone else’s order even though I was next in line.”
• Your anger is actually just a bunch of physical sensations. If you can slow down enough, you can sense the sensations of anger and describe them to yourself. And that is exactly what I teach people to do. An example of something I might say in a therapy session is, “Notice what is happening to you physically. Notice the sensations you are having and notice the flow of the energy that anger generates. Where do you notice the anger in your body? What is it like?”
• Your anger has impulses towards the one who hurt you. The impulses of anger are aggressive by nature. Anger wants to be nasty, even though other parts of you may want to be nice or calm. You can notice the impulses your anger brings forth: wanting to yell at drivers, to say mean things to people, or to lash out physically against those who anger you.

Staying with the experience of anger without doing anything is a challenge. And that’s one reason so many people discharge their anger by yelling, insulting, blaming, hitting, or abusing others. We do those things to discharge the energy of the anger; to get rid of the bad/painful/scary/angry feelings inside of us. And it works in the moment. But there are always negative consequences to acting out.

In summary, when we react in impulsive ways as a result of our anger, we are acting out.

There is also a term called acting in. Acting in means we turn all that angry energy against our Self, causing us harm. Types of acting in include cutting, starving, binging, doing drugs, and blocking our anger with depression and anxiety. 

What helps us thrive in life is to learn to fully experience our anger but have the control of how and when we chose to act on it. When someone hurts us, we need to tune into our physical reactions and validate to our Self that we are indeed angry. We need to know who angered us, what we are angry about, and to listen to the impulse, which tells us how angry we are. The very last step is to think through the best course of action.

What are constructive courses of action? 

• Asserting one’s needs effectively with kindness and strength. A helpful image is to imagine putting your anger in your back bone and saying something like, “It’s important to me that you help out with the housework” or “It’s important to me that when I say ‘NO’ you back off and don’t continue to try to get your way.”

• Setting boundaries with firmness and when possible with a calm and clear tone of voice. For example, “I don’t want you criticizing me or calling me names. If something I am doing is bothering you, let’s talk about it respectfully.” Or, “I do not like it when you touch me without asking if I’m ok with it.” Or, “If you’re going to be late, please let me know.”

• Tending to childhood wounds. Sometimes we have blocked anger from our childhood that leaks out in the present. If you suspect you have unaddressed anger that is negatively affecting your life today, it is a great idea to seek support. Many therapists, especially emotion-centered and trauma therapists are trained to help you release pent up anger in a safe way.

Noticing our internal experience is a practice honed over a lifetime. The benefit is that it enables us to listen to our anger, to be informed by our anger and not ruled by it. When we can tune into our anger before we react, and we have time to think before we react. When we can think and feel our anger at the same time, we can choose a response that is helpful and not hurtful.  

So…why are people mean?

Because people act out their anger instead of first experiencing it internally. They react from the primary impulse of the anger, which always wants to be mean and aggressive.

You do not need to be in therapy to work on your anger. You can begin practicing slowing down in the midst of your reactions and getting to know your internal experience any time you want.

What physical sensations do you have when you’re angry?

To read about a time when I did this for myself, check out a past post here.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/29/why-are-people-mean/

The Benefits of Laughter

Could laughter defeat ISIS? If you were on an operating table, in need of a triple-bypass, might you call in a clown? While a P.O.W., undergoing torture, would all your suffering disappear when someone recited a decent knock, knock joke?

A logical person would consider all of the above absurd. Comedy is no panacea. And yet numerous cultures have found an integral place for farce and buffoonery.
Chinese Emperors had Court Jesters, Native American tribes had Tricksters, and in Europe, during The Middle Ages, droll satires were routinely performed by Troubadours. Why? What compels mankind to turn, again and again, to comedy? And what makes laughter a uniquely potent gift?

One reason comedy has had such a historical impact is it provokes reflectiveness, at times even inspiring political change. It is perhaps for this reason that during the 2011 Egyptian Revolution stories abound of protesters in Tahrir Square flashing satirical banners and reciting comical songs. There was political humor in the USSR before the fall of the Berlin Wall. Similarly, in America, during the 2008 Presidential Election, SNL Sarah Palin parodies featuring Tina Fey almost certainly impacted the final results.

What is more laughter seems to have at least a degree of curative potency. In “The Healing Power Of Laughter,” by the HeartMD Institute, Alexander Lowen, the father of bioenergetic therapy, suggests “[laughter is] a way of healing the body through the spontaneous release of energy.” Lowen believes laughter accomplishes this by releasing tension, promoting respiration, and inducing endorphin release. Another study of cancer patients by Bennett M, Zeller J, et al. at Western Kentucky University suggests humor can be an effective complimentary medicine that often generates “increased immune function.”

While I would never wish to be pollyannaish, I can assert, with great conviction, that laughter has had an incredibly healing place in my life. For twenty-six years I’ve suffered with Crohn’s disease, a gastrointestinal auto-immune condition that causes frequent trips to the bathroom, abdominal pain, nausea, bloating, joint aches, fatigue, mouth sores, and, at times, requires hospitalization. I’ve been on medicine to control my condition for most of my life and have needed three major surgeries — one of which required getting my stomach pumped via NG Tube after an intestinal blockage before a resection could be performed.

The above struggle as well as other hardships I’ve faced in recent years — broken ribs after a skiing accident, campylobacteriosis on a Costa Rican expedition, getting hit by a car crossing the street — have hardened me, in a certain sense, and yet I doubt I would have survived any of it quite so intact without laughter.   

Laughter gives one perspective. It enables you to see how small your problems are and reminds you what is really important. Comedy can turn a struggle into a gem. A hardship into joy. Comedy, further, prepares you to meet new obstacles with strength, clarity, and focus. I can say, with certainty then, that, in my own life, comedy has been a godsend.

I consider myself extremely fortunate to be a working standup comedian who is now a Talent and Show Coordinator for The Gotham Comedy Foundation. This charitable organization brings laughter to those in need. Its founder claims to have cured his cancer by watching old Marx Brothers movies — a  story that resonates with me as it seems to align very closely with my own.

Whether performing standup for cancer patients at Sloan Kettering or the drug rehab residents at Serenity Café, I’ve found my involvement with the G.C.F. to be a terrific opportunity to share my sense of humor with others. I hope this incredible organization continues to grow and prosper, for promoting wellness through comedy is a noble, uplifting mission.

Lastly, I started this essay by lightly mocking the idea of laughter curing a severe heart condition or defeating ISIS. But maybe I shouldn’t have. Because the healing power of laughter is considerable. As Mark Twain once put it, “against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

 

References:

1. Peter McGraw & Joel Warner, The Humor Code. Entry 6: Can comedy bring about political change?, Slate. 2014.
2. Dr. Stephen Sinatra, The Healing Power of Laughter. Heart MD Institute. 2010.
3. Bennett M, Zeller J, et al. The Effect of Mirthful Laughter on Stress and Natural Killer Cell Activity. Alternative Therapies. 2003; 9(2):38-43.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/29/the-benefits-of-laughter/

6 Ways to Tune Up Your Listening

We all want to be heard, right? We have a human desire to be seen and understood. But how skilled are we at extending listening to others?

Here are six ways to sharpen your listening skills.

Be Present

Listening requires being in the moment. When someone is expressing a feeling or thought, try to stay present in your body and heart. This makes it easier to register their feelings and grasp their meanings. Empathy means noticing how another person is experiencing something.

Notice if you’re distracted by one of the following:

• Are you in your head preparing your response?
• Are you eager to show that they’re wrong or that you disagree?
• Are you emotionally activated by what they’re saying, which makes it harder to listen calmly and openly?

These distractions are a natural part of being human. But we can practice being aware of when our attention is hijacked. This gentle awareness can lead us back to being present to listen to someone’s cares and concerns.

Care

Amidst the pressures and demands of modern life, our caring for friends and loved ones may slip into the background. Relationships thrive when we truly care about each other’s feelings.

Felt caring erodes when accumulated resentment and hurt have created a wall of distance. Caring about others goes hand in hand with taking care of ourselves emotionally. We create a climate for mutual caring when we’re willing to process and communicate our important feelings. This enables us to clear the air and revive our active caring for a person.

Listening is easier as we hear each other’s feelings before an emotional build-up disrupts trust and connection. Couples therapy may help couples hear each other in deeper ways.

Listening with a caring heart is perhaps the most precious gift we can offer another person.

Breathe

It’s easy to forget to breathe deeply and freely when we feel agitated or stressed. Breathing often calms our nervous system so that we become more present — and better able to listen.

There is good reason to remind ourselves to practice conscious breathing even when we’re not agitated. Mindful breathing gets us out of our head and into our body, which is a good place to reside when listening. When we’re distracted by thoughts about the past or future, we’re no longer present — no longer able to listen deeply and empathically.

Soothe Yourself

When we’re calm and quiet inside, we have more space to hear each other — we have a greater capacity to care. Breathing is one way to soothe ourselves. Another way is to attend to what we’re feeling as we listen.

Are we feeling sad as we hear about another’s pain or struggle? Can we make room for that sadness and be with it in a gentle way? Are we getting defensive? Are we imposing a demand on ourselves to offer good advice or fix someone’s problem? We’re better able to listen as we find ways to soothe ourselves as we attend to another’s inner world.

Soothing ourselves might also mean reminding ourselves of the power of listening. Our job isn’t to fix their problem, but rather to extend our heart and caring. When people feel heard, they feel less alone. They then feel more inner resources to find the way forward.

Convey Your Understanding

Let people know that you’re hearing and understanding them. You can do this non-verbally through your kind eyes, nodding your head, or uttering some affirmative sounds. Or, you can verbally tell them that you understand and that you appreciate them trusting you with their vulnerable feelings.

More than our words, people register our presence. If we’re listening with a caring, non-shaming, non-judgmental heart, people often feel this — and appreciate our gift of listening.

Listen to Yourself

Listen to yourself as you listen to others. Be mindful about what arises inside as you attend to them. Being gentle and kind toward yourself deepens your ability to offer the precious gift of listening to others. Noticing and holding your own feelings in a gentle, caring way provides a foundation for connection and intimacy.

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from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/29/6-ways-to-tune-up-your-listening/

10 Entrepreneurs Who Became Successful While in Recovery

These entrepreneurs used the skills they learned in active addiction to help them succeed in business.

There is one thing that most people who struggle with addiction and substance use disorders have in common. They tend not to do all that well in their careers.

Some people have success for the short term and do something that may be rewarding to them personally or financially, but in the long term it pretty much always comes crashing down and often in the most dramatic way one could imagine. Others don’t attempt to reach their goals, or maybe they don’t even have them at all, as using was the way they avoided the stress of attempting to achieve in the first place. This is not just about money — of course, living simply is quite often the best way to go about one’s life — but what it is about is conquering the things that held you back, reaching your goals and being proud of yourself.

Many people, once they are in recovery, begin to thrive creatively and professionally and open their own businesses. Some even use some of the survival skills they learned as an addict to help them as entrepreneurs.

We recently talked to 10 entrepreneurs about how they have become successful while in recovery.

1. Seth Leaf Pruzansky was addicted to heroin. He is now the owner of Tourmaline Spring, a company that distributes “water so naturally pure it exceeds every Federal and State guideline for drinking water straight from the ground.”

“Having been through severe drug addiction and the mental and emotional dysfunction that comes along with being an addict, I eventually realized that no one was going to do for me what I needed to do for myself,” he says. “With this in mind, I not only conquered my addiction to substances, I examined the root of where these addictive tendencies originated. I found that root resided in my inability to be present with life itself in the here and now. I was jailed in a prison of the mind, always identifying with the remembered past or an imagined future, neither of which were reality. Through my commitment to heal the root cause of my addiction, the symptoms of my dependency, meaning my drug usage, disappeared. What emerged after that was a state of mind that I can describe as ‘universally objective clarity.’ From that point on I was able to form Tourmaline Spring bottled water of Maine. It is the highest quality, most ethically produced bottled water in North America. Had I not faced the root cause of my issues, I would have never been able to have the clarity of mind to get the awe-inspiring results that I’ve gotten in only six months since launching my business.”

2. Julio Briones owns AnswerMan Specialty Services, a prison consulting and personal crisis management service.

“My drinking led me to a 10-year prison sentence and a two-year stay at an inpatient rehab,” he says. “Thankfully I was able to get clean while on bail; it gave me the clarity and focus that has led me to live the life I have today. Even after all these years I struggle, but all I need to do is look around at my beautiful family and remind myself of all I will lose if I go back to old behaviors. Today, I own a business in which I help people manage their own personal crises, many times stemming from addiction. I use my experiences to guide them and their families by giving them the tools they need to get through divorce, rehab or incarceration.”

3. Patrick Henigan is the owner of Jacksonville Fitness Academy. He is six years sober from opiate addiction.

“Before moving to Jacksonville with my wife,” he says, “I was one of the highest in-demand trainers in Philadelphia. I trained CEOs, celebrities and local athletes. The most important factor for me is drive. I have an internal drive to make up for the six years of my life that I wasted with drugs and jail time. Every morning I wake up, I remember what it was like to be broke, alone, and actively ruining my life. That gives me a little kick in the butt to accomplish more than what I need to that day, so I can distance myself as much as I can from that person and that situation.”

4. Dr. Harold Jonas is in recovery for heroin addiction. He is the Founder and CEO of Sober Network Inc., the “premier provider of innovative digital solutions and award-winning mobile apps which address the multiple and varying needs of the addiction and recovery industry.”

Of his journey he says, “When I first entered recovery, it was strongly suggested that recovery become my number one priority in life. I was told if I adopted and maintained this concept, all would be well. While it sounds like a cliché, it is true. My own passion I have cultivated for my recovery led me to my business success. To achieve the rapid growth my company has experienced since its inception, I have had to literally live at a constant level of highly calculated risk daily for a long period of time. As both a recovering addict and entrepreneur, in order to not just survive but thrive in this high stress atmosphere, I make it a point to consciously negotiate the core principles of recovery — acceptance, surrender, trust, hope and faith — into my life each day. It allows me to meet the ever-changing daily challenges of business. This helps me not just professionally but also keeps me grounded when I often feel, as a visionary entrepreneur, like I am hanging off a cliff waiting for others to ‘come around the curve’ with my newest business concept.”

5. Akshay Nanavati is a Marine Corps veteran who was diagnosed with PTSD, and then struggled with alcohol and heroin addiction to the point where he considered taking his own life. He is now sober and his business, existing2living is thriving and has been featured in Entrepreneur.com, Forbes, Huffington Post, Military Times, Psychology Today, CNN, USA Today, and Runners World. Here is what he has to say about his time in recovery:

“In order to recover from PTSD and alcohol addiction, I had to learn how to find an empowering meaning to suffering. Finding the gift in suffering in one area gave me the strength and ability to find the gift in any kind of suffering, regardless of the context that created it, including the struggle of building a business. Reframing struggle allowed me to embrace the obstacles and challenges of growing my business. Additionally, it also taught me new skills that helped me better serve my clients who each wrestle their demons in their own way.”

Many people who struggle with addiction also struggle with careers; however, these entrepreneurs used the skills they learned during active addiction to create their businesses. For the full article and to find out more about the rest of these entrepreneurs, check out the original feature article 10 Entrepreneurs in Recovery over at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/28/10-entrepreneurs-who-became-successful-while-in-recovery/

5 Ways to Banish Anxiety and Speak Up In Meetings at Work

Another meeting is coming up at work, and you’re dreading it.

Like so many professionals — probably many more than you realize  —  it’s not a comfortable environment for you. Maybe you’re shy, introverted or you genuinely enjoy listening to others’ ideas. Perhaps it’s important to you to show respect by deferring to the leaders at the table.

Situational factors can play a part, too. Certain co-workers may dominate the discussion, not allowing you to get a word in edgewise.

Whatever the case, sitting frozen through yet another meeting can be a terrible feeling. By now you might even take it for granted that feeling self-conscious in meetings is part of the job. You may wonder if it’s really worth all of the effort to speak up, especially if it doesn’t come naturally to you.

Elevating your visibility at work is essential if you want your career to evolve and grow. You work hard and have great ideas to contribute  — you should be making an impact and getting the recognition you deserve. If you want to get ahead, then it’s important that your voice is heard. It’s within your power to take control and ditch a habit of staying silent in favor of speaking up.

Here are some very simple strategies you can confidently implement at your very next meeting. With a little practice, you’ll finally feel like the integral team member you’ve always been.

1. Banish Pre-Meeting Jitters.

Your hands are shaky. Your stomach is doing somersaults. You suddenly start second guessing if you spelled the client’s name correctly on the agenda. These are common pre-meeting anxieties. It’s normal to experience anticipatory stress when you feel as if your intelligence or contributions are being evaluated.

Instead of impugning your jitters as a sign that you’re inadequate or otherwise not up to the task at hand, Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal suggests befriending your stress response, reframing it as a sign you’re ready for action and prepared to bring your best to the (conference) table.

2. Ease Into It.

It may be tempting to arrive right before a meeting starts to appear prompt or avoid awkward small talk. But if you feel rushed or short on time, this will only exacerbate the existing stress you already feel during meetings.

Instead, build in a buffer and plan to settle in before things get underway. Give yourself the opportunity to ease into the physical meeting space. If it’s a virtual teleconference, get comfortable with the webinar controls, your mic and webcam ahead of time.

As colleagues arrive, focus on making conversation with one or two people at a time, which can feel both socially fulfilling and less overwhelming. You’ll also already have an “in” of sorts as the meeting begins and conversation turns towards agenda items. This can help ease anxiety and make speaking up for the duration of the session seamless.

3. Commit To Speaking Early.

Have you ever come to a meeting with ideas and plan for what you want to say, then left realizing you said nothing the entire time? While you’re not alone, staying quiet is doing yourself a disservice. It typically gets more difficult to enter the conversation as a meeting progresses. The longer you wait, the more your anxiety will build.

Growth often comes from discomfort, so push yourself to speak up early. Set a simple strategy to say something in the first 10 to 15 minutes of the session–whether it’s to welcome attendees, present your main argument, ask a question or offer an opinion on a new business proposal. It’s a surefire way to ensure you contribute.

4. Use Your Strengths When Speaking Up

You don’t have to be the loudest in the room. Even the soft-spoken can still make an impact by backing up a coworker’s comment with a simple, “Great idea! I can see that working really well.”

You can also focus on asking powerful questions. Especially if you consider yourself an introvert, you’re likely very observant, which gives you an edge when it comes to posing the kind of thought-provoking questions that haven’t crossed your colleagues’ minds quite yet.

Another way powerful way to increase your impact and visibility even after the meeting wraps is by following up with an email to your boss summarizing key points raised, or better yet, providing a proposal for a new project sparked by the conversation. You’ll build up a reputation as someone who makes useful contributions and you’ll come to everyone’s mind more quickly when promotion time comes around. More importantly, you’ll gain confidence in yourself.

5. Be The One To Take Action on “Next Steps”.

Did something come up in the meeting that could use more research? Commit to taking on something for the next meeting. It shows you have initiative and that you’re interested and invested in your organization.

This is a great example of employing a pre-commitment device, a habit formation technique you can use to nudge yourself towards behaviors you desire. You’ve committed yourself — now you’ll be more motivated and likely to follow through.

6. Challenge Your Beliefs About Contributing.

Many people’s leadership instincts may not have been nurtured to their full potential in childhood, and subconscious insecurities can seep into our behavior to this day when it comes to speaking up. So how do you overcome old, outdated scripts holding you back from feeling confident about speaking up? It requires a deep-dive into your presumptions about self-worth and speaking up.

Growing up, what were you told about standing out? Were you given the message by your parents, teachers, and community that you could be whatever you wanted, or did you internalize concepts like, “People won’t like you if you try to stand out”? If you find yourself easily devastated by real or imagined negative feedback should you express your ideas, consider that you may be reverting back to an immature identity when your self-esteem was more contingent on others’ (especially that of authority figures’) opinions.

When you have a point to make yet find undermining thoughts creeping in, thank your inner critic for trying to do it’s job by keeping you protected. Fear can signal you’re saying something of significance. Seize the moment. Stop playing small. Remember, you’re part of your organization because you’re qualified, you’re effective, and you matter.

You’ve got a lot to offer — now it’s time to let everyone know it.

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from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/28/5-ways-to-banish-anxiety-and-speak-up-in-meetings-at-work/

Psychology Around the Net: January 28, 2017

As you read this, I’m hanging with friends in a cabin snuggled in the middle of snow-covered mountains, and I don’t feel one bit of guilt about it.

Last week, I mentioned I was extremely busy with a work project. I was scrambling to finish the work (and still provide quality results) because it’d gone on too long. The project was a bigger beast than I’d anticipated, and it took three weeks longer to complete than I estimated.

So, for roughly three weeks, I stayed glued to my laptop, which physically and mentally drained me. I didn’t workout, I didn’t go out with friends, and because of this perceived “lack of time,” my diet (i.e. the foods I ate) started to suffer.

However, I didn’t take any steps to change anything — to take any time for myself outside of showering and going to bed — because I didn’t want to feel guilty.

Fortunately, I finished the project Wednesday and the sense of relief was overwhelming. Not only did I finally feel accomplished, but I knew my weekend trip to the mountains wouldn’t be tainted with worry and guilty.

Should I have felt guilty about going on the trip if I hadn’t yet completed the project?

Emily Goh Yi En, a psychology major a currently works at the digital marketing agency Cats Insights, offers some helpful insight about irrational guilt related to taking a break from work and three solid reasons why we must stop feeling guilty for resting. Check it out if you’ve struggled with this problem!

Now, onto Psychology Around the Net! This week’s edition includes information about the link between personality and well-being, areas of the brain linked to bipolar disorder, mantras that can help you become calm and confident, and more!

How to Talk to Your GP About Your Mental Health: For some people, talking with their general practitioners about their mental health might seem as daunting as talking to family members, friends, or co-workers. That’s why Mind has launched a new campaign: Find the Words. Find the Words is designed to help patients talk to their general practitioners about their mental health, as well as help general practitioners find support for themselves, too.

Area of Brain Linked to Bipolar Disorder Pinpointed: Researchers at the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston report they have linked bipolar disorder to reduced volumes of subfields in the brain’s hippocampus — an area of the brain that deals with our moods and memory processing.

5 Mantras to Help You Become Calm and Confident: According to Sherianna Boyle, author of Mantras Made Easy, “Mantras are a way to clear up negative actions, opening up new pathways for positive ones.” Check out five of Boyle’s favorite mantras for achieving inner peace, beating anxiety, finding happiness, and more. (BONUS: The Chopra Center does a nice job of explaining mantras — the word’s origin is interesting! — and how they differ from intentions.)

Mental Illness Is Rampant In American Jails And Prisons: “Prisons are not equipped to manage the seriously mentally ill. Health care of any kind in most American jails and prisons is substandard […] mental health care, if available at all, is often limited to one or a few very overworked mental health professionals who are unable to focus beyond whether a patient (or prisoner, as it were) is going to commit suicide in the near future,” says Christopher Zoukis, founder of PrisonEducation.com.

The Real Link Between Personality and Well-Being: Check out 11 dimensions of well-being (including self-acceptance, personal growth, and life satisfaction) and the five personality traits (or, “personal paths”) that can help us more easily achieve higher levels of well-being.

This Miss Universe Contestant Shut Down Body Shamers Like a Queen: The 2017 Miss Universe competition, airs Sunday, Jan. 29 at 8 p.m. ET on Fox. If you’re not into that sort of thing, you might be into how Siera Bearchel, this year’s Miss Canada, has responded to body shamers: “While I am first to say I am not as lean as I was when I was 16, 20, or even last year, but I am more confident, capable, wise, humble and passionate than ever before […] This is the side I am trying to bring to the @missuniverse competition.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/28/psychology-around-the-net-january-28-2017/

Can a Simple Psychological Trick Help You Fall Out of Love?

Yes, it’s possible.

After a devastating breakup, it’s normal to still feel in love with your ex — you wouldn’t have been with them if you didn’t. And it takes a lot of time to get over that and move on with someone new.

11 People Reveal The Brutally Heartbreaking Reason For Their Breakup

Founder of Relationship Psychology, John Alex Clark, shared some techniques in order to help the broken-hearted fall out of love with that someone. Yes, it’s possible to learn how to fall out of love with someone using a psychology concept called classical conditioning.

“Getting over a breakup can be a lot like quitting smoking,” writes Clark. “When a person chooses to give up a habit like smoking, the initial few days is always the hardest to overcome. Fortunately, it gets easier with time, patience, and practice.”

To start off, after a breakup, there is always something that will remind you of your ex. It can be a place, food, or even a certain time. The ex was a part of your life, so it’s normal to have these things remind you of them.

In order to fall out of love, Clark says that you must destroy these associations.

“People usually make mental bonds between two experiences, associating one with the other,” he says. “Certain situations or places can trigger an emotional response based on past incidents.”

In short, you must disassociate these places, food, or times from the memory of your ex. For example, if you and your ex always visited this one restaurant, going to that restaurant post-breakup is now painful because you see them everywhere. Instead of avoiding the restaurant like the plague, you could think about the good food and the friendly atmosphere.

10 Secrets Guaranteed To Help You Move On From Your Ex

“For each positive experience you connect to that once-painful place, the suffering declines,” explains Clark. “Your new, pleasant memories take its place and slowly you no longer make those identifications with your ex.”

Continue with this exercise each time and soon enough, the painful feeling associated with the place will decline, replaced instead with the positive feelings.

Clark is also aware that this classical conditioning technique will not be easy for everyone, nor will it have the same positive results on everyone. So, you must embrace the pain of the heartbreak, but eventually, try to move on by disassociating these things from your ex.

“The more you brood over your suffering, the deeper you push it into your subconscious, making it harder to uproot when you’re finally ready to move on,” he says.

So embrace the pain and allow yourself to feel sad for now. But eventually, you have to start moving on again. Before you know it, the love you felt for your ex will be but a distant memory.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Fall OUT Of Love, Using A Psychological Technique.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/27/can-a-simple-psychological-trick-help-you-fall-out-of-love/

Childhood Sexual Abuse: ‘Preparation and Response’ Instead of ‘Prevention’

There is a basic need in our society to change the approach to how we prepare our children for possible sexual assault or abuse. It is wrong for us to teach “sexual assault prevention” to young children, perpetuating this awful suggestion that a small child has ANY capacity whatsoever to prevent his/her own abuse. Instead we need to teach healthy attitudes toward sexuality, and to prepare our children for interactions with “tricky people.”

I grew up in the nineties, in the height of paranoia about “stranger danger,” and in-school presentations about allowing your parents to check your Halloween candy for razor blades. We were taught to be afraid of being snatched up off the sidewalk. We were given NOTHING in terms of preparation for abuse by family or acquaintances (or friends or teachers or school staff or parents’ friends…), even though we (“we” as a society, the informed adults) knew, even back then, that statistically acquaintances were much more likely than strangers to target kids.

So much good has happened in the past 20 years. We even have the beginnings of teaching teenagers and college students about consent. But the issue of tricky people still remains. A therapist asked me once if I felt so much guilt about my own childhood abuse because I didn’t “fight him tooth and nail.” And that is spot-on. I didn’t fight him tooth and nail. I didn’t fight him at all. I had told him I didn’t want that…so when he did it anyway, I just looked away and cried silent tears. He was a tricky person. And then he did it again. And again. And again. And I didn’t know what to do. I was confused…but also flattered…scared…and also in physical pain…and also…I don’t know. Lost.

When we begin to delve into these issues, we find that the best resource our kids have available to them is their instinct. If they find themselves in uncomfortable situations, even with “trusted adults,” they need to know that it’s okay to scream & wiggle, and that it’s okay to run away. But possibly even more than that, they need to know that it is okay to NOT do those things. That it is okay to be scared and not know what to do. It is okay to do nothing at all.

Then afterwards, WHATEVER their responses were in the moment, they CHOSE RIGHT, because the only goal in that situation is to SURVIVE.

“Oh your response was to lay still and take it? YOU CHOSE RIGHT.”

“Oh your response was to kick him in the crotch and poke his eyes? YOU CHOSE RIGHT.”

“Oh your response was to disclose to another 10-year-old? YOU CHOSE RIGHT.”

It’s too late to undo the choice at that point, so we as adults are tasked with accepting it, and thereby not making the situation worse.

We can’t change the fact that these abuses are going to happen. And children CERTAINLY can’t change that fact. The two things we CAN change are 1. The way we prepare kids for these situations, and 2. The way we handle their disclosures afterward.

Kids are taught to fear strangers, but staggeringly more often than not, strangers will come out as helpers in tough situations: police, fire, ambulance, store or restaurant staff, bystanders when Mom collapses in public…etc. But kids are only rarely taught to fear tricky people…warned that even adults lie, or make up stories to make kids think they have no choice in a situation. Just because this is your mom’s best friend doesn’t mean Mom said it was okay for her to touch you there…or take those pictures of you. There are differences between good secrets and bad secrets, and even a 5-year-old is often mature enough to understand that a birthday surprise party is okay, but someone touching you in your swimsuit-parts is a secret you shouldn’t keep.

I’m not advocating (as a parent or as a caregiver) sending kids into unnecessarily dangerous situations. What I am advocating is that we teach kids to trust themselves; teach them that they are smart enough and brave enough to handle hard situations, and then in the aftermath comfort and console them, telling them that we trust them, and that we know that they made the best possible decisions in the impossible situations in which they found themselves.

We have this epidemic of kids who are afraid to disclose, because they have been taught their whole lives that strangers are the problem (stranger danger)…so when the abuse comes from somewhere else, they are afraid of being blamed. Likewise they are taught their whole lives to scream and wiggle, so if the moment happens and they don’t fight back…they are afraid of being blamed. And unfortunately, those fears are completely founded.

Try though we might, we cannot wave our hands and prevent sexual abuses from happening. What we CAN do is prepare our kids beforehand, and encourage them afterwards. We can tell them that they are good, they are right, and they are strong. And we are not mad at them; we are proud, because they did the right thing, no matter what that thing was.

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/27/childhood-sexual-abuse-preparation-and-response-instead-of-prevention/

Best of Our Blogs: January 27, 2016

The other day I glanced at a photo of someone’s home. It was beautiful and uncluttered. Instead of leaving it at that and going on with my day. I stared for awhile. I looked at my own home. My eyes zoomed in on all the piles of stuff everywhere-the toys, mail, dishes. It was a sight!

But I didn’t stop there.

I started to compare, criticize and judge myself. I looked past everything I loved most about my home and saw failure, mess, and not enoughness.

Comparison to others perfect picture whether that be of their homes, kids, jobs and life experiences, robs us of joy and happiness. It also takes away our ability to experience gratitude for what we have and admiration for others.

While self-kindness, compassion and acceptance are not easy things to practice. It is the key to everything we genuinely want in life-authentic relationships, love and opportunities.

If you need a head start on getting there, our top posts on self-awareness, making conscious choices and self-motivation will steer you in the right direction.

Lies: 6 Tips to Detect Deception
(Relationship Corner) – Smell a liar? Compare their behavior up against this list.

10 Areas of Self-Awareness You Should Understand
(NLP Discoveries) – Forget about how well you know your partner. The key to effective relationships and fulfillment lies in how well you know yourself.

Are You “Too Sensitive?” 5 Clues You Might Be
(Knotted) – Have you ever been told you’re “too sensitive?” Read this to see if it’s true.

How to Live by Choice
(In Your Own Hands) – Want to have a life aligned with your values? If you want to be happier and healthier in 2017, it all starts with this.

How to Motivate Yourself When You’re Feeling Down
(Happily Imperfect) – How do you get yourself out of the rut you’re in so you can accomplish all the things you need and want to do this year? This will help you get back on track.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/27/best-of-our-blogs-january-27-2016/

Boxed In: How to Avoid the Cardboard Life

“So what do you do?” a well-meaning acquaintance inquires.

And with that innocuous question, I default into a long-winded explanation. “Well, I am a transitioning attorney interested in writing but I am also passionate about politics. And did you see that land preservation article? What a fascinating subject!”

An uneasy smile creases her face before she gently steers the conversation into another direction.  

Perhaps I should have just said underemployed attorney.  

For many professionals, the Great Recession scalded — plunging us into a jobless ether. As the economy trickles to life, we have subsisted on freelance positions and menial temporary jobs. Since graduating from law school, I have been a journalist, writer, communications guru, political organizer, consultant, development professional, legal reviewer, business owner, and tutor. Try explaining that during a five second grip and grin.

Among the millennial set, job adaptability is expected — even applauded. But among the forty something and older crowd, the responses are damning.

“Why can’t you just get a job and stick with it?” the greybeards moan. “You need to stick to one thing!”

Apparently, there is an unwritten rule that you and your job are married ’til death do you part.  Sounds like a loveless marriage to me.

Sorry — that’s not me. Just like any marriage, I want to be in a give and take relationship. I want to constantly learn, dissecting and digesting morsels of knowledge. And if my (work) partner doesn’t satisfy my intellectual curiosity, it is time for a divorce. Or annulment.

Yes, there are countless fields that interest me. And my intention is to delve into all of them — despite the senior set’s growling protestations.

But instead of characterizing us as flaky or indecisive, try these descriptors on for size: curious, fearless, empowered. They fit us Renaissance souls better than any pair of tailored jeans. We just don’t think outside the box; we redesign it to fit us.

Unfortunately, in today’s economy, specialization is revered. I am not an attorney; I am a contractual attorney focusing on complex jurisdictional litigation yada yada yada. As these legal colleagues mindlessly drone on, I reflect on my experiences as a jack of all trades and chuckle. I am a journalist focused on policy organizing. Or is that a policy organizer focused on emotional intelligence. “What would my elevator speech be?” I chuckle

And then an epiphany — and fitting metaphor — sings my synapses. Why don’t I just take the escalator? I will get to where I am going — even if it takes a bit longer.

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/26/boxed-in-how-to-avoid-the-cardboard-life/