When Rehabs Look at Patients as Dollar Signs

“The whole system is designed to keep people in it, I think.”

“Statistically, you’re wasting your money sending your kid to rehab,” Scott Steindorff tells me without a second of hesitation. “I have three grown kids and I’ve come to the conclusion that if one of them had a [substance abuse] problem, I wouldn’t know where to send them.”

Steindorff, the Hollywood producer whose eclectic credits include the movie Chef and the TV series Las Vegas, has turned his sights on overhauling the $35 billion-a-year rehab industry that’s now coming under fire. “There’s not one facility in the world that’s getting the job done,” he argues. “If you find a rehab center that really gets it, call me—and I’m being serious.”

At the moment, many agree with Steindorff: there’s virtually no shortage of cautionary NPR pieces, disturbing news features, and almost-weekly stories of arrests and busts. In fact, one NPR exposé reported that a convicted rehab owner had “billed insurance companies for more than $58 million in bogus treatment and tests, and recruited addicts with gift cards, drugs and visits to strip clubs.” It’s clear that the rehab industry may be at a critical crossroads, as it needs as much saving as the millions of Americans seeking help themselves.

My good friend Mike Verlie, who just celebrated four years of sobriety after a decade-long heroin addiction, credits sober housing for helping him find his footing and, well, saving his life. But he’s also keenly aware that good sober homes are few and far between.

“The problem lies in that [sober homes] are mainly privately-owned and non-regulated at all,” he notes. “Some may claim to follow non-profit guidelines, but in reality, it’s mostly just a single guy or a couple of people who own houses and call them sober houses.”

Many of these “houses,” Verlie says, cram more people than are legally allowed by fire standards into places that are poorly funded (at best). In fact, many of them are simply way stations between rehab centers, sometimes getting kickbacks for each referral. “A good sober house is a rarity,” Verlie says.

Sadly, shady ethics aren’t limited to homeowners operating businesses that are little more than treadmills leading right back to treatment centers.

Sometimes, it’s a lot bigger than just one specific person or center…

How do we create rehabilitation options that don’t view patients as dollar signs? Learn more in the original article The Unethical Side of Addiction Treatment at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/31/when-rehabs-look-at-patients-as-dollar-signs/

One New Year’s Resolution a Couple Can Make Together

Maybe you’ve already made a resolution or two for the New Year. Have you and your partner ever made one together? Choosing one that you’re both likely to keep can do wonders for your relationship. One is the key word, because keeping it simple makes it more likely that you’ll both follow through.

Any relationship, no matter how great it already is, has room to grow. So instead of thinking, “Were fine,” think “The sky’s the limit!”

Tips for Making a Resolution Together

Whether you make a resolution together or independently, make it as specific as possible, by stating the resolution in a way that includes:

• when you will start keeping the resolution;
• for how long you intend to carry it out;
• how often you will do it.

For example, rather than simply resolving to be nicer to each other, a couple might commit to giving each other at least one compliment every day for the next three weeks, starting today.

It takes 21 days to change a habit, or to establish a new one, so if you want the daily compliments or some other new behavior to become a lasting lifestyle, you might decide to commit to do it every day, starting now, and for at least three weeks.

You might like the idea explained below (Resolution #2) about giving each other at least one compliment a day. This might be your joint resolution, or it can be your own personal resolution if your spouse isn’t on board now for it. Even if you start out as the only one giving compliments daily, your relationship will probably get better. Your spouse will appreciate your sincere compliments, and you’ll find yourself noticing your partner’s virtues, so you’ll feel warmer toward him (or her) more often.

Maybe you both already excel at compliments. What would be a better resolution for the two of you to consider making together? You may have one in mind or you might want to select one of the other two ideas listed here:

Resolution 1: When we disagree, we will take turns listening to each other kindly and respectfully. When one of us states our viewpoint, the other will say what he or she heard, then asks if they got it right. Once the first speaker says yes, the other gets to state their own position and get listened to. It can be tempting to compose our rebuttal instead of totally listening. Listening doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing. The active listening technique is so worthwhile because it fosters emotional intimacy. When most spouses really want is not to win an argument, but to feel understood.

Resolution 2: We’ll tell each other daily what we appreciate about each other. This is a worthwhile resolution because busy spouses often forget to notice each other’s positive traits and actions. Sometimes their communication gets loaded with complaints or demands. Strive to implement Dr. John Gottman’s researched based advice to make at least five positive comments for each negative one.

Resolution 3: We’ll hold a weekly marriage meeting. This is a worthwhile resolution because couples who do this effectively, as explained in my book, Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted, gain intimacy, romance, teamwork, and smoother resolution of issues.

CHOOSE JUST ONE

In case you’re feeling tempted to make more than one resolutions, remind yourself to choose just one. Changing just one long-established way of behaving is challenging enough, so keep it simple. You can always add a new resolution once you’ve firmly put your first one into practice.

Happy New Year!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/31/one-new-years-resolution-a-couple-can-make-together/

Healthy Ways to Navigate Your Grief

Even though my dad was hooked up to the most high-tech ventilator in the hospital and had five chest tubes connected to his body, I thought he’d come home with us. Sure, the recovery wouldn’t be easy, but we’d take it slow, and eventually, he’d return to his healthy, energetic self.

At his funeral, I really wanted to say something, to make everyone there understand just how kind-hearted, funny, playful, brave, and resilient my father was. This was a special person, and I yearned, a yearning that knotted my stomach, for others to feel that. Instead, I stayed silent as the rabbi read through paragraphs we’d provided, paragraphs that barely captured the beauty of my dad.

When they picked me up from the airport, my aunt and cousin tried to warn me. But nothing could prepare me for what I saw when I walked into my grandmother’s apartment. My 5-foot-8 grandma weighed around 90 pounds. Her once rosy, full cheeks were hollow. I’d never seen her move so slowly. I usually had to almost jog to keep up with her pace. The bone cancer was whittling away her body, and all I wanted to do was drop to my knees and cry for days. That night, she hugged me and told me that she really wanted my mom to have her gold necklace when she died.

At her funeral in February, New York City looked like a snow globe. The snowstorm started that morning, and we feared we’d have to cancel the service. As we stood by her grave and one by one dropped red roses onto her casket, the snowflakes started coming down faster and faster and bigger and heavier. And it felt like our tears would turn into icicles, staying on our faces forever.

These are some of the bits and pieces I remember from my biggest, deepest losses, from the darker days of my life. Of course, there are many happy, hilarious, vibrant memories. Memories that have nothing to do with hospitals and death. But some days, these are the moments I replay in my mind, a decade later, triggered by something random on TV or something someone says, or triggered by nothing at all.

They say that time heals our (grieving) wounds. But I don’t think it’s time. Instead, I think we just get used to the person not existing in our day to day. We create different routines and rhythms that replace the routines and rhythms they inhabited. Our lives change. We have kids. Our kids go to college. We move to new homes, to new jobs. We simply don’t expect to see our loved one in these places.

In the book On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross writes, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”

Grief is a shape shifter. It takes many different forms, said Stacey Ojeda, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with grief and loss. It can resemble depression with sadness, irritability, hopelessness and helplessness, she said. You might isolate yourself from others and stay in bed all day. You might be easily distracted and forgetful.

Grief can resemble denial, she said. You avoid your heartache and focus on the day to day. Laundry. Work. Dinnertime. Dishes. You stay “productive” and busy, hoping to skip over the pain, or bury it so deep it stops coming up to the surface.

Grief can turn into a spiritual crisis, according to Ojeda, sparking big questions like: “What is life about?” “Why am I living?” and “How could God do this to me?”

Ojeda shared the below suggestions for navigating grief in a healthy way.

• Realize that grief is not linear. There is no timeline you need to abide by. “There is no date that you need to be better by,” Ojeda said. In fact, the worst thing you can do is give yourself a timetable or time limit, as in: “”I should feel better already” “Why am I still feeling this way?” “So and so only felt sad for X amount of time when she lost her ____.”
• Be patient and kind with yourself. For instance, you haven’t completed your to-do list and all you want to do is lay in bed and cry. Instead of telling yourself, “What are you doing? Get out of bed. You have so much to do. This isn’t good,” you say: “It’s OK,” Ojeda said. You accept where you are, and give yourself whatever you need. “Judging yourself and getting upset at yourself for whatever pace you’re healing at will only make that process harder.”
• Talk to others. “Seek support from those who allow you to grieve in a healthy way [such as] friends, family, coworkers or a counselor,” Ojeda said.
• Set time aside to grieve. If your life is hectic, carve out time to express your feelings, Ojeda said. Cry in the car before work or before going home. Scream. Replay a specific memory. Give yourself the space to process your pain.
• Allow yourself joy, too. At the same time, give yourself the opportunity to savor sweet moments. Go out with your friends. Start a new painting project. Start your next short story. Take a trip. See a silly movie.
• Plan ahead for bad days. For the toughest days, have a list of go-to strategies and people you can turn to for support. For instance, Ojeda said, your coping strategies might include: journaling; reading an article or book that comforts you; keeping sneakers by the front door to take a calming walk. Mark on your calendar “anniversary dates” that could trigger a wave of grief. These might be your loved one’s birthday, the day they died, a day that was special to you both.
• Honor your own path. Grieving looks different for everyone. Ojeda underscored that there’s no right or wrong way to navigate grief (unless, of course, you’re doing something that puts you in danger). “Everyone has their own path and journey after loss and it needs to be honored.”

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really love,” writes Jamie Anderson in this beautiful piece. “It’s all the love you want to give but cannot give. The more you loved someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go. It’s taken me seven years to realize that my grief is my way of telling the great vastness that the love I have still resides here with me. I will always grieve for my Mom because I will always love her. It won’t stop. That’s how love goes.”

And somehow, for me, knowing that our shattering grief is simply tied to our significant love brings some comfort. Maybe it does to you, too.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/31/healthy-ways-to-navigate-your-grief/

The Power of Vulnerability

Welcome to my confessional!

(Yes, my confessional is an international website where thousands of people read and–perhaps–groan at my pithy columns).

As I write my latest screed, I often wonder, Am I being too vulnerable? From discussing my frayed family (insert a wry Happy Holidays) to my smoldering anxiety, I divulge my biggest, baddest secrets to, well, everyone.   

Despite my well-worn hesitation, the answer is a resounding no. In fact, maybe I should be a little more vulnerable.

Sure, there is an understandable tinge of embarrassment and anxiety when sharing my personal failings. There is a nagging sense that my brazen honesty could jeopardize my future employability. Perhaps a future employer will google “Matt Loeb” and discover my treasure trove of anxiety-soaked ruminations on obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, and familial strife.

And that would be okay — even if I do have to subsist on Ramen noodles and saltine crackers for the indefinite future.

You see — there is power in our shared vulnerability.

In my columns, I touch on human foibles and failings. Specializing in self-doubt — with a touch of self-deprecation, there is an inherent relatability for many readers. Notwithstanding the occasional caustic email (“Your column was so insensitive”), most readers respond with an appreciative message. I struggle with the same paralyzing bouts of depression. …Geez, you summed up my family’s Thanksgiving. Can we just celebrate the holiday season to-go?

More than just commiserating over brutal family soirees, there is a sensitivity — even humanity — underlining our snark. For many of us — myself included, we shroud ourselves in secrecy when discussing difficult emotions and thoughts. It has taken me years to discuss my simmering sibling feuds with my beloved aunts and uncles. It can be equally distressing to broadcast my deepest emotional ebbs to the (Psych Central) world.

But as I have aged and wisened, I recognize there is fortune in misfortune. And power in, at times, feeling powerless. Sharing vulnerability — whether an emotional, physical, or spiritual hardship — strengthens our collective humility and self-awareness.

This truism is more than just a personal Mattism; influential leaders intuitively recognize the power of vulnerability. Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz,”The hardest thing about being a leader is demonstrating or showing vulnerability…When the leader demonstrates vulnerability and sensibility and brings people together, the team wins.” Sharing vulnerability — from confiding to a friend to a therapist to a room of powerful CEOs — provides an opportunity to connect in meaningful, authentic ways. This emotional connection results in mutually beneficial outcomes; research corroborates that we are more likely to act inclusively and compassionately toward others after learning of their personal hardship.

As winter unleashes its ugly wrath. I understand the temptation to retreat into a depressive cocoon of self isolation — and self-flagellation. The holiday season can be particularly challenging — even more so if familial relationships chill. But there is power in our own narrative — even if our pockmarked story doesn’t match our peers’ sparkling narratives.

The real winter chill: concealing your own vulnerability. And not letting anyone else read your book — or, tongue in cheek, Psych Central column.   

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/30/the-power-of-vulnerability/

The Surprising Sexuality of (Male) Gamers

The modern stereotype of people who frequently play video games needs to finally be put to rest. Gamers, as they’re known, are actually not losers residing in their parents’ basement, but rather people from all different kinds of backgrounds who enjoy the entertainment value that spending time playing video games affords.

Along with that stereotype is the belief that gamers’ sexuality must also be less than ideal. Losers in basements can’t have a healthy, positive sex life, right?

Let’s find out…

Research published earlier this year explored the sexual health of male gamers. As the researchers (Sansone et al., 2017) of the current study note, “Videogame use has been associated with improvements in cognitive functions, with improvements in specific intellectual fields according to different game types, such as working memory, processing speed, and executive functions. This ‘brain training’ seems to have positive influences on and, in some cases, preventing obesity and ensuring a correct lifestyle.”

So the researchers wanted to explore gamer’s sexual health as well. In the present study, they did this through the administration of two scientific research questionnaires, the Premature Ejaculation Diagnostic Tool (PEDT) and the International Index of Erectile Function (IIEF-15) online. Researchers also asked the men (ages 18 through 50) to provide additional information about their lifestyle and living habits, as well as their gaming habits.

In all, 599 men answered the call to complete the surveys, but 199 of those men had no sexual activity during the previous four weeks, so the researchers didn’t examine their data. In all, the scientists analyzed data from 396 survey respondents and classified them into two groups — gamers (who averaged at least 1 hour per day playing video games) and non-gamers (who averaged less than 1 hour per day playing video games).

Compared to non-gamers, the researchers found that gamers were less interested in sex — their sexual desire was significantly less. However, gamers were less likely to suffer from premature ejaculation when they did have sex.

Gamers Less Likely to Have Premature Ejaculation, Sexual Desire

The clearly good news based on this self-reporting survey research is that gamers say they have less premature ejaculation than their less-gaming counterparts.

What about the lesser sexual desire reported by gamers? After all, most people might say, “Hey, loss of sexual desire is a bad thing.”

But remember, we’re talking only about men here… Men typically appear to have a higher level of sexual desire than women (although that may be just due to men being more vocal about their sexual needs than women in many relationships). So maybe having a slightly lower level of sexual desire may not be such a bad thing — it really depends on the specific relationship.

How do the researchers explain the possible mechanism at work here?

…[T]he ‘reward system’ of videogames might affect the dopaminergic system; as previously described, dopamine levels increase while gaming. The dopaminergic system also is involved in facilitating orgasm and ejaculation, and dopamine acts as the most important ‘pleasure hormone,’ with an excitatory role in intercourse. D1 receptors, because of their decreased affinity, are activated only during dopamine peaks, in contrast to D2 receptors, which are activated by a slow, progressive release of dopamine. Gaming, as a source of repeated dopamine peaks, might lead to an enhanced steady-state homeostasis and to decreased activation of receptors given the same levels of dopamine; this might cause tolerance in the ejaculatory reflex and a decreased interest in intercourse, providing an explanation to our results.

I think that’s a possible, reasonable explanation, since gaming is intrinsically rewarding (otherwise people wouldn’t be doing it so often). And it would also neatly explain why there’s lesser sexual desire in gamers.

Keep in mind, this is apparently the first observational study that’s investigated this link directly. More research is needed to confirm these results.

But the results are surprising, in that gamers are not the obvious sexual losers the traditional societal stereotype makes them out to be. In fact, if you’re a person looking for a partner who doesn’t suffer from premature ejaculation and isn’t always bugging you for sex, a gamer may be just the ticket.

 

References

Sansone A, Sansone M, Proietti M, Ciocca G, Lenzi A, Jannini EA, Romanelli F. (2017). Relationship Between Use of Videogames and Sexual Health in Adult Males. J Sex Med., 14, 898-903. doi: 10.1016/j.jsxm.2017.05.001.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/30/the-surprising-sexuality-of-male-gamers/

Psychology Around the Net: December 30, 2017

It’s almost 2018 darlings, and I thought I’d use this week’s Psychology Around the Net to share with you information specific to certain important areas of our lives that might help you as you venture into the new year.

Celebrate safely this weekend, and here’s to an amazing new year for each and every one of you!

CAREER

10 Things to Do in the New Year to Skyrocket Your Career in 2018: Actually, these tips could help you in several areas of life. Get ready to take put yourself out there and take risks (and fail), speak publicly (it’s about way more than giving a presentation), set priorities and boundaries, and more.

FINANCIAL

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Consumers for 2018: Money is a HUGE stressor, so the it makes sense that getting your financial ducks in a row (or, at least, getting a good handle on where you stand, where you want to stand, and how you plan to get there) can benefit most areas of your life. Pennsylvania Secretary of Banking and Securities Robin L. Wiessmann has 10 ways you can not only protect, but also grow, your money in 2018.

FAMILY

How to Support a Family Member with a Mental Illness: If you have a family member living with mental illness, here are five ways you can provide the support they need.

FRIENDSHIPS

Good Friends Might Be Your Best Brain Booster as You Age: Give your friendships a little extra love in 2018 — and in all the years to come. According to various research, “SuperAgers” — people who are 80 years old or older and have memories as good as or better than people 20 or 30 years their junior — tend to work hard at maintaining friendships.

RELATIONSHIPS

5 Ways to Reignite the Passion in a Tired Relationship: Sometimes, the passion you experienced in the beginning of a relationship begins to fade the longer you’re in the relationship. That doesn’t mean you love each other any less; it just means that certain thrill has gone missing. These researchers and therapists have several ideas for you and your partner to get back that thrill.

SPIRITUALITY

This Spiritual Practice Is So Simple but So Effective: When we think of the new year, we often think of resolutions — things we’re going to do, or stop doing, or change, or whatever. It’s all about taking some sort of action…which makes Rachel Jonat’s suggestion for getting back to your spiritual self (however you might define that) all the more intriguing.

HEALTH

10 New Year’s Resolutions for Your Health and Your Family’s: The American Health Association has given us a list of 10 ways we can keep (or, get and then keep) our health on track. Healthy bodies help healthy minds, y’all.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/30/psychology-around-the-net-december-30-2017/

Smiling Improves Your Emotional and Spiritual Health

I’ve been fortunate to visit Thailand many times and after being here again, I’ve been asking myself: How is it that so many Thai people are quick to flash spontaneous and radiant smiles? Spend even a little time here and you’ll understand why Thailand is called “The Land of Smiles.”

A cynical interpretation is that smiling faces are a fake show of happiness designed to captivate tourists. And of course, a smile can sometimes cover up one’s true feelings, such as nervousness, anger, or sadness. But from my own observations and after speaking with many savvy travelers, I’m convinced that the smiles are often genuine.

How can it be that in a third world country where the average salary is so low, people can seem—and perhaps actually be—happy much of the time—or seemingly content with themselves and their lives? Is there something we can learn from this attitude and way of being that might help us Westerners find greater happiness?

Thailand is a Buddhist country. The attitudes and worldview reflected in Buddhism might have something to do with the sense of contentment many people seem to exude. Another factor may be the sense of community and connection that seems to stem from a strong sense of extended family and interpersonal attachments.

Excessive Expectations and Hopes

Westerners grow up on a steady diet of wanting, expecting, and hoping for more. The media and advertising fan the flames of our desires. It seems that we’ve become increasingly preoccupied with achieving some final, far-off goal rather than enjoying the journey. We keep postponing living our lives rather than relishing the present moment.

It takes a strong sense of self to not succumb to the belief that we’ll be happier with more stuff and the things. We work hard to buy a big house and then work even harder to make the mortgage payment and property taxes. If someone has more than us, we may become envious and perhaps crave the sense of belonging and connection that comes with “keeping up” with the latest trends and gadgets.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make our lives more comfortable. People in developing countries and even in the West would like to have a reliable washing machine or better smart phone. There’s no shame in this.

But when is enough enough? Can we find a middle path between wanting more and having gratitude for what we have? Can we find a way to hold those desires lightly and not allow them to interfere with appreciating what we have? A greater sense of freedom comes with accepting our limits. We’ll be happier as we develop the art of living in the moment rather than constantly leaning into the future.

A spontaneous smile springs from an inner sense of feeling content and connected. If we’re feeling deprived or neglected, it’s not easy to offer a generous smile to people we encounter. We’re more inclined to smile when we’re experiencing a sense of inner peace. Being at peace with ourselves is only possible when we’re living in the present moment, rather than being preoccupied by what we don’t have.

I’m not suggesting that Thailand or other developing countries are a paradise free from suffering. Far from it. It is stressful to wonder how you’ll feed your family next week…or tomorrow. Nor am I suggesting that social and political factors are not a dominant suppressive force all over the world.

Yet in cultures that value kindness and family, there seems to be a sense of community and connectedness that prevails despite challenges. There appears to be an ongoing societal co-regulation of each other’s nervous systems that I don’t see as much in the West. Healthy attachments and values of kindness and gentleness contribute to allowing an authentic smile to emerge from the depths of their being.

My spirits are always buoyed when an authentic smile drifts my way. Smiling is contagious. And it feels good to smile. Research has even shown that faking a smile can make us feel better. Smiling reduces stress and lifts our mood.

Here is an exercise from Thich Nhat Hanh that you might try to boost your smiling capacity and mood:

As you breathe in, say to yourself:
Breathing in, I calm body and mind.

Then, as you breathe out, think:
Breathing out, I smile.

I invite you to be more mindful of when you smile—or don’t smile. Perhaps you can find a little more generosity in your heart to offer a warm smile to people you encounter. You might just find that smiling offers a wonderful gift to yourself—the gift of enjoying more moments of being present and connected—and that smiling offers a wonderful gift to others, as well—it’s contagious!

If you like my article, please consider viewing my Facebook page and books below.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/29/smiling-improves-your-emotional-and-spiritual-health/

How to Stress Less While You Travel

For most people, traveling is always  synonymous with lots of stress. Whether you’re traveling for business, taking a vacation, or going to see your relatives and friends, there are simple steps you can take today to actually reduce the severity of your stress levels on your next trip. The following tips can help turn what would have been a stressful adventure to one that is looked forward to with anticipation and ease.

Before you leave to catch a bus, a scheduled train, or an airplane, be sure to curtail your stress by doing some planning ahead of time. It’s important to stay on top of any delays you will potentially encounter that can set your stress levels off kilter. The more prepared you are, the better off you will be, however long or short your trip is.

Since many individuals have a hard time packing, especially women, it is very important to pack wisely. Make a list of only the essential things you may need to bring with you, and nothing more, checking each one of them off as you pack them to better ensure that you don’t leave behind anything important. Keep a little notebook by your bed to remember to jot down things you might have forgotten, so you will remember in the morning. Pack the night before you leave, or earlier, to avoid the stress of being rushed and possibly nervous you’ve forgotten something. Keep things you may need while in transit in your carry-on bag, so you can access them with ease.

It is truly important to dress comfortably while you travel, especially when going to destinations many hours away. Be sure you wear comfortable shoes and slacks. Dressing in layers helps too, since climates can change in a flash from one region to another.

Just because you are traveling, you should still remember not to neglect what your body and mind need most. The importance of sticking to your normal routine is critical. That may mean to take your vitamins at your usual time, get the same quality of sleep that you more or less get back home, and have some stress relievers on hand to decrease your chances of getting sick from the stress of travel.

There are some additional important tips to remember as you are traveling. You have heard this countless of times before, but do your best to arrive early, before sprinting out the door late in a panic. Allowing yourself ample time will enable you to deal with any unexpected travel difficulties with ease. Worse comes to worse, if you end up being early, you can read a book, do some gentle stretches, charge your devices, or grab a cup of coffee.

Eating well beforehand (bonus points if it’s healthy) and during your trip, while staying amply hydrated, will go a long way to preserving and stabilizing your energy and blood sugar levels. Having these levels fluctuate or dip in any way can affect your mood dramatically. Think healthy snacks like healthy protein bars, popcorn, and a handful of nuts to keep satiety at bay, and make your wallet thicker.

If you feel that you are starting to get overwhelmed with travel-related stress, breathing exercises, and other quick stress relievers can help you feel calm more quickly. Find the ones that work for you. Having a few quick stress relievers on hand, whether it’s a deck of cards, a stress ball, a good book, inner reflection, or quiet meditations, will all go a long way towards preserving your sanity as you deal with the stress that often comes with traveling.

At the end of it all, there is nothing better than a good old fashioned cognitive reset. Rather than thinking of this as a stressful mess, think of it as an adventure, or a challenge that your brain needs to overcome. Viewing your experience in this light can make traveling much less stressful — and actually enjoyable. With this handy travel stress-less checklist by your side, you can feel not only more comfortable before, during, and after your trip, but actually look forward to reaching your destination, wherever that may be, in a more peaceful state of mind.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/29/how-to-stress-less-while-you-travel/

6 Mistakes that Will Sink Your New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year again: The beginning of a new year. All around you, people are talking about resolutions they will make to be healthier and happier. Sadly, most of those promises for self-improvement will quickly be a memory. Research shows that 80% of New Year’s resolutions are broken by the second week of February.

“But this year will be different”, you say to yourself. “This year, I really want to lose weight, stop smoking, take a class, jog every morning, whatever… This year I just know I’m committed to it.”

Feeling committed isn’t enough. If you want a resolution to stick, you need to avoid these common pitfalls. You can do it. Recognizing the obstacles is half the battle. With a little pre-planning and organization you can set yourself up to be one of the 20% who succeed.

6 Common Mistakes People Make

Avoid these mistakes and you may be so successful at making an important change that you won’t have to make the same resolution next year.

1. Resolutions that are too big.

Often resolutions are about a huge challenge. You promise yourself, “I will lose 100 lbs” or “I will get ready for a marathon” (when you haven’t run for years). Or “I will write that novel I’ve been thinking about for 10 years.”

All are worthy goals, but there is a reason you haven’t accomplished whatever it is up to now. The goal is too overwhelming to manage.

You are more likely to succeed if you break a goal down into achievable steps. It’s fine to want to lose 100 lbs, but you are more likely to be successful if you aim for a 5-10 lb loss each month. It’s fine to want to run a marathon eventually, but you are more likely to actually do it if you build up to it with shorter runs.

2. Resolutions that are too vague or too general.

Resolutions like, “I’ll get healthy” or “I’ll get more exercise” or “I’ll be more generous” don’t provide much guidance for change. They are certainly well-intended statements about what you want to fix but they are so vague that it is too easy to forget them in the busyness of everyday life.

It’s much more helpful if you make your resolution as specific as you can. It needs to be doable given your other responsibilities and manageable given the realities of your income, your time, and your supports.

Spell out a daily diet program or exercise program that fits in with your life. Write it down. Write it down in detail so it provides some guidance for how you plan your days.

3. Resolutions that are unrealistic.

“I’ll lose 100 lbs by summer so I’ll look great in a bathing suit” may be unrealistic or even unhealthy. Radical diets usually fail. The same is true if you’ve been a couch potato for years and you decide to start exercising. Committing to spending 3 hours at the gym every day may be too big a lifestyle change to pull off.

Being realistic requires being incredibly honest with yourself. You’ve probably made – and failed – the same resolution before. Take a clear look at why you weren’t able to manage it. Rein in your ambition and make a smaller and more achievable resolution. Then identify your triggers for failure and come up with a realistic approach to prevent them.

4. Using January 1 as the motivator.

There’s something about the first of the year that compels us to at least think about how to improve our lives. But for most people, it isn’t a sufficient motivator to actually do it. The goal, not the date, needs to be intrinsically motivating to be attainable.

If the cultural push to make a resolution is the only thing prompting you to change, you probably won’t hold it for long regardless of how beneficial it might be. Take the time to reflect on the goal and the positives you believe will come from reaching it. Be as honest with yourself as you know how to be.

5. Telling everyone.

Many articles suggest that telling other people our resolutions helps keep us on track. But the opposite may be true. Telling others can put the locus of control on other people, instead of within yourself. Further, there are people whose approach to the inevitable slips will be shaming or blaming. Even if they don’t give you a hard time, your own embarrassment at “failing” in their eyes may cause you to quit your project.

Be selective about who to tell. Yes, it helps to enlist someone else’s support when we want to change. But it’s important to think about whether a person’s idea of support will be supportive. You need a cheerleader, not a critic. Choose people who will be encouraging and helpful.

6. All or nothing thinking.

It’s a common tendency to believe that one slip means that you don’t have what it takes to accomplish a goal. The first day you fall off the diet or don’t run or don’t sit at the computer to write, you feel like a failure. In your shame, you give up.

Slips are inevitable. Slips are human nature. There is no need to give up in despair. There is always the next day, or even the next hour, to get back on track. Make slips a learning opportunity, not a certification of failure. Take the time to reflect on why you slipped and what you need to do differently so it is less likely to happen. Then get back to working on your goal.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/29/6-mistakes-that-will-sink-your-new-years-resolutions/

Best of Our Blogs: December 29, 2017

It’s something you lost too early. It’s why you have trouble trusting people. It even explains why you’re anxious and unhappy a lot of the time.

An unstable childhood stole your ability to have faith and believe that in the end everything works out, even if it doesn’t work out the way you want it to.

Yet, you’re given a chance in every situation, challenge and unpleasant experience you find ourselves in.

Whether you’re dealing with a narcissist, uncertain about psychotherapy, or recovering from a relationship or illness, you have an opportunity to practice, and stretch your faith muscle. It’s not only a belief that things will always work out, but the belief that you can survive it because you already have.

3 Traits That Make Identifying Narcissism a Guessing Game
(Neuroscience & Relationships) – If you think you’re a narcissist, this might be really what’s going on.

Six Ways To Make Psychotherapy More Effective
(Cultivating Contentment & Happiness) – Want to get the most of your next therapy session? Work on accepting these six truths.

Discovering my Hypothyroidism and Recovering my Self-Esteem
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – You blame yourself for being tired and lazy when what you could really be is physically sick. Read Lenora’s story here.

No New Year’s Resolutions? No Problem!
(ADHD Millennial) – If you have ADHD and are building your resolutions for 2018, stop and read this.

To My Husband’s Ex’s – Thank You for Dumping this Wonderful Man
(Full Heart, Empty Arms) – Surprisingly, this post will make you appreciate his ex and him.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/29/best-of-our-blogs-december-29-2017/

Is Your Microbiome Stressing You Out?

Let’s face the facts: stress is here to stay. Modern lifestyle sets the stage, with high-stress careers, lack of sleep, constant connection to social media, environmental pollution… the list is long. Although some stress is good, serving as an internal motivator for growth and personal achievement, chronic and overwhelming stress wreaks havoc on the body. You’re looking at some serious consequences, like obesity, diabetes, heart disease and mood disorders.

The brain and digestive system are intimately linked. So closely, in fact, that many experts say it should be viewed as one system. The gut is often referred to as “the second brain,” and contents of this second brain can profoundly affect the first. Although we’re just scraping the surface, new research hints at ways of managing stress by first taking care of the gut.

When you think about it, the human gut is pretty remarkable. It is the only organ to host its own enteric nervous system, allowing direct communication from the gut to the brain. Does the phrase “gut feelings” come to mind? The intestinal tract provides a cozy home for a wide array of microbes. From bacteria and archaea, to viruses and fungi, over 100 trillion microbes make up each distinct microbiome.

Microbes living in the gut make a big impact on health. They are responsible for:

• Digestion and metabolism,
• Emotional control and mood stability,
• Extraction of vitamins and nutrients from food,
• Immune system response, and
• Maintaining integrity of the gut wall.

Gut bacteria also have the ability of creating hormones and neurotransmitters. Beneficial bacteria, like Bifidobacterium and Lactobacillus, produce GABA, a neurotransmitter that relieves anxiety and improves sleep. Other strains produce serotonin, often called the “happy hormone” for its moodcortisol-boosting abilities. Certain microbes work to lower cortisol, the disruptive stress hormone responsible for our fight-or-flight reactions. It is when there is an imbalance of good and bad microbes that you may run into some trouble. What provokes this imbalance? Chronic stress.

The brain has a direct effect on the stomach. Stress can alter the composition and function of the microbiome, reducing good gut bacteria and paving the way for invasion by the bad guys. When bad bacteria colonize the gut, there is significant disruption to the enteric nervous system. Some strains break down gut-brain communication, decreasing the ability to balance emotion. Other strains release pro-inflammatory factors that have been scientifically linked to social avoidance and, you guessed it, stress. It becomes a vicious cycle of psychosocial stress and poor gut health.

Remember that gut-brain communication is a two-way street. Just as stress can cause an imbalance of good and bad microbes in the gut, composition of the microbiome can impact the ability to handle stressful situations. An upset intestinal tract may be the cause or the aftermath of stress. What you eat affects your gut, and eating a diet high in refined carbohydrates promotes overgrowth of bad bacteria and fungi. This imbalance sets the stage for what is known as “leaky gut syndrome,” the breakdown of the intestinal integrity resulting in a state of widespread and chronic inflammation. This type of inflammation not only increases the perception of stress, but is tied to anxiety, depression, arthritis, Chron’s disease, food sensitivities and autoimmune disorders (among many, many more).

Here’s the bottom line: we can’t always control the stress in our lives, but we can take control of our microbiome. Eliminate foods that wreak havoc on the gut, like sugar, alcohol and processed foods. Adopting a plant-based diet filled with fruits and veggies allows good bacteria to flourish, leaving little room for harmful microbes to make themselves at home. Supplementing with healthy strains of bacteria is another game-changer, as studies demonstrate that probiotics help decrease cortisol production and improve mood, cognition, and response to stress.

A healthy gut means a healthy mind. Ready to make some changes? Go with your gut on this one.

References:

Stress effects on the body. (2017). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stress-body.aspx

Allen, AP, Dinan, TG, Clarke, G, & Cryan, JF. (18 April 2017). A psychology of the human brain–gut–microbiome axis. Social and Personal Psychology Compass, 11 (4). Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12309

Carpenter, S. (September 2012). That gut feeling. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/09/gut-feeling.aspx

Galland, L. (1 December 2014) The gut microbiome and the brain. Journal of Medicinal Food, 17(12): 1261–1272. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4259177/

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/28/is-your-microbiome-stressing-you-out/

A Different Take on New Year’s Resolutions

We tend to set resolutions that punish us for the things we did the previous year. For instance, because we supposedly ate too much or gained weight over the holidays, we decide we’re going on a diet, we’re cutting out sugar, and we’re eating “clean.” We decide we’re going to lose 15 pounds by some arbitrary date. Or we decide to work out five days a week—no exceptions, rain or shine or sickness. Or we decide we’re going to hustle and work 70 hours a week because we took too many breaks.

We set punishing resolutions because our self-esteem is conditional, said Lea Seigen Shinraku, a licensed marriage and family therapist offering depth-oriented, self-compassion-based therapy, as well as classes, workshops and groups focused on self-compassion.

Those conditions might be set when we compare ourselves to others or to a younger or idealized version of ourselves, she said. We think that we’ll be lovable and worthy when we lose weight or when we get a promotion or when we have X number of dollars in our bank account. And because these things are fleeting, we are forever chasing them. (Which is why we inevitably set the same resolutions every year.)

Those conditions also might be set by society. “We have come to accept that participating in the 50+ billion a year diet industry is something to do for health,” said Rebecca Scritchfield, a well-being coach, registered dietitian nutritionist and certified health and fitness specialist. It’s not. In fact, dieting is actually associated with eating disorders, depression and weight cycling, she said.

But you can do something different this year. You can take a different approach. You can set self-compassionate resolutions. Because as Shinraku said, self-compassion is essentially unconditional self-esteem. “It is an understanding that you are worthy of love and acceptance as you are right now; no matter how many wrinkles you have, how much you weigh or what your body composition may be. It is inherently stable: you don’t have to earn love or hustle for worthiness. You are deserving of it right now.”

Here’s how.

Set resolutions based on your needs. “The fundamental question of self-compassion is: What do I need? or What is needed?” said Shinraku, the founder of The San Francisco Center for Self-Compassion. It’s not about trying to improve yourself; it’s about listening to yourself.

Shinraku shared these examples: You tend to automatically say “yes” to requests, whether you actually want to do them or not. So you decide to experiment with saying “no” more often. Or you’re feeling drained from your devices. So you decide to spend more time in nature by hiking once a month or visiting a local park once a week.

Reflect on 2017. Shinraku suggested exploring the successes and challenges of 2017. What did you love? What was hard? “Letting the previous year register in a conscious way can help clarify what matters to you and what you would like to give attention to in the new year,” she said. 

Focus on self-expression. Again, instead of self-improvement, focus on what you’d like to express. For instance, according to Shinraku, “A self-expression resolution might be: ‘listen to my body and experiment with different forms of movement (maybe yoga, running, dance class) to find what feels good.’” It might be learning to paint or writing your memoir.

Pick a word of the year. This word will guide your 2018. Shinraku shared these examples: Enough, Listen, Presence, Aware, Explore. After you’ve picked your word, figure out how to keep it in your consciousness. For instance, you might write your word inside a card, which you keep on your desk, near your mirror or in your car, Shinraku said.

Then think of something you’d like to do each month that connects to your word.  “For example, if your word is Explore, you might decide to visit a place that you haven’t been to before, to tap into your sense of curiosity and adventure.”

Turn your critic into a caregiver. Scritchfield suggested recording the disparaging thoughts that arise as you work on different changes. Then revise them from the perspective of a compassionate caregiver: What can I tell myself that’s actually encouraging and nurturing? How can I approach this from a supportive place?

Declutter. Make sure your environment supports your self-compassionate resolutions. For instance, declutter your home of diets. Toss anything in the trash that “reinforces ‘you suck unless you weigh less’ mindset,” said Scritchfield, author of the book Body Kindness. Then focus on your social media feeds and anything you read, she said. Unfollow anyone who makes you feel terrible about yourself and perpetuates the punitive, destructive thin-is-in, weight-loss-is-a-must belief system. (Scritchfield also has a free mini e-course on body kindness, which you can access at https://www.bodykindnessbook.com/get-started.)

Create a “resilience plan.” It’s inevitable that you will make mistakes, Scritchfield said. After all, you’re human. But often mistake-making is another area where we bash ourselves—which means it’s the perfect place to practice self-compassion. Scritchfield suggested considering: “What is your plan for when that happens? How will you practice self-forgiveness? Instead of judgments, ask yourself how you could learn and grow.”

Ultimately, when you’re creating next year’s resolutions, consider how you’d like to spend your days. Do you want to spend them berating yourself for breaking the latest diet? Do you want to spend them going to the gym when you actually hate the gym? Do you want to spend them chasing a specific number on the scale or a specific salary? Do you want to spend them scrolling through images of strangers who sink your self-worth? Or do you want to spend them taking compassionate care of yourself and prioritizing what’s actually important to you—like cultivating your creativity or cultivating a closer relationship with your partner or exploring breathtaking places.

The great thing is that you get to decide.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/28/a-different-take-on-new-years-resolutions/

Podcast: Is Marijuana Effective for Treating Mental Illness?

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe Howard and Vincent M. Wales welcome Psych Central CEO and founder Dr. John Grohol to discuss marijuana and its potential benefits for treating various types of mental illnesses, from major depression to bipolar disorder. Dr. Grohol explains why there has been so little research in this field and why it will be quite some time before a significant body of data is accumulated. Also discussed is the question of why many people seem to believe cannabis is a “miracle drug,” and which age group should be most careful about the use of marijuana (or any mind-altering substance).

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Medical Marijuana Show Highlights:

“There hasn’t really been any research to show that marijuana itself is an effective treatment for depression.” ~ Dr. John Grohol

[2:40]   Will marijuana help someone with major depression?

[6:12]   Why is there so little research on the effects of medical marijuana?

[8:26]   What are the detrimental effects of marijuana?

[11:18] Why do people believe it to be a miracle drug?

Proud Sponsor of The Psych Central Show

 

 

About Our Guest

John M. Grohol, Psy.D. is the founder & CEO of PsychCentral.com, a mental health and human behavior/technology expert, co-author of Self-Help That Works (Oxford University Press, 2013), the author of The Insider’s Guide to Mental Health Resources Online, and is a published researcher. He sits on the scientific board of the journal, Computers in Human Behavior and was previously on the editorial boards of CyberPsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking and the Journal of Medical Internet Research. He is a founding board member and current treasurer of the Society for Participatory Medicine, and sits on the board of the International Foundation for Research and Education on Depression. He currently oversees PsychCentral.com, the world’s leading mental health resource offering information and support groups to over seven million people each month.

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/28/podcast-is-marijuana-effective-for-treating-mental-illness/

How Terminology Impacts the Emotions Surrounding Sexual Abuse

The terms surrounding sexual assault are hazy. With more people publicly sharing their stories of sexual assault, the details and technicalities have snagged. Everyone knows sexual abuse is horrific, but the vagueness of intention meeting action can create doubt. The description of assault is difficult enough to understand, but what about the other terminology?

Since the #MeToo movement, sexual abuse has become far more popular in the media. As a society, we have recognized the abuse of celebrities and politicians. Our responses have varied, not just because of the status of those accused/accusers, but because the issue is rampant. Some choose to ignore, others choose to protest. No matter the level of abuse, words like ‘victim’ or ‘perpetrator’ can shape the way we feel toward the event, the one who caused the sexual assault, and the assaulted. Since language is a powerful tool in shaping mental health and awareness, each definition needs to be articulated clearly. 

Sexual harassment and sexual assault are both used to understand various meanings of unwanted sexual attention. Is the emotional response different if a woman says she was assaulted vs. harassed? If she’s ‘underage’ or 18, does that warrant more or less comforting? Should the stress and magnitude of the abuse match the stress and magnitude of someone who displays concern from an equally murky word in a similar category?  Since sexual abuse is very rarely portrayed as the complicated (knowing the abuser) and questioning (was the abused dancing suggestively?) type of trauma that it is, ‘assault’, ‘rape’, and ‘harassment’, might not accurately represent the way someone is expected to feel.

Comfort and sympathy for those who endured sexually abusive behavior is still a sticky subject. How abusive does the perpetrator have to be to warrant a discussion or extra attention? The word ‘attention’ in and of itself is tricky. While it’s common knowledge that paying attention to the trauma instead of covering it up or ignoring it, is better at combatting depression, PTSD, or anxiety, nobody wants to be known as an ‘attention-seeker’. The phrase itself can prevent people from finding help.
The words ‘victim’ and ‘survivor’ are particularly controversial.  Survivor, a word that became popular in feminist circles in the 1980s, intends to have an empowering effect. The idea was to allow those who have suffered from an assault, to reclaim their life narrative from powerlessness to bravery. By placing the emphasis on strength, another sense of power is born.

The word ‘victim’ is more difficult. The National Crime Victim Law Institute, defines ‘victim’ as a person(s) harmed by any misdemeanor or felony. (https://law.lclark.edu/live/files/11824-fundamentals-of-victims-rights-an-overview-of-the) There are no moral or judgmental undertones about the person who was assaulted or treated wrongfully.

Although the legal definition of ‘victim’ makes sense from a purely nonjudgemental mindset, the word has expanded with emotional baggage. The phrase “playing the victim” insinuates that there is something to be gained by being victimized. Often times the phrase suggests laziness or the inability to move on after what may be considered an appropriate length of time.

Whether the terms ‘victim’ or ‘survivor’ are of primary focus, these definitions are a distraction from the real issue. The perpetrator.

“Rapist” has its own set of definitions.  Although each state defines rape differently, the common definition (https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/rapist) states it is an offense where sexual relations are forced upon a person.  

According to this definition, a rapist could be someone who forcibly penetrated someone against their will or it could mean penetration may not have happened.  The definition ‘sexual relations’ is even more gray.
If a man in his early twenties had sexual relations with an incoherent, drunk, college girl, the term ‘rapist’ takes a different form for those raised with the image of strangers with guns that prey on women at night.  Perpetrator, creep, or derelict are often the more popular words to describe the assaulter in this situation.

The images that words carry when used in a sexual assault case, shape the way we feel. They form our sympathies, our understanding of values, and our esteem. They also shape the way society responds.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/27/how-terminology-impacts-the-emotions-surrounding-sexual-abuse/

Rainy Vacations Can Be Good for You

Last summer, my husband Steve, my 12-year-old son Tommy and I flew to Colorado, Denver, to be specific. Instead of taking our yearly summer trip to Rhode Island to see my husband’s family, we were doing something completely different — embarking on a family vacation to a place we’d never been before.

That first night, we stayed at the Denver Embassy Hotel, which was arguably the plushest hotel I’ve ever stayed in. My son was happy because he was used to chain hotels, and this one, again, was part of an incredible chain. The furnishings were elegant; the linens, crisp, clean and wonderful-smelling; the toiletries, first class — everything about the place was dynamite. We all had a good night’s sleep and in the morning, were treated to the best “free” breakfast I’ve ever had. The homemade omelet from the omelet bar was stupendous. I can still taste it — light, fluffy and buttery, full of mushrooms, cheddar cheese, green pepper and onion.

The next day, we drove a couple hours to Estes Park, the gateway to Rocky Mountain National Park, where we were planning to stay for four days in a small place called Forest Lodge. Forest Lodge was over one hundred years old and was much different than the Embassy. Tommy took one look at it, and decided he didn’t like it. The place didn’t have sleek, modern furniture. Nothing was new. Forest Lodge definitely wasn’t part of a chain. Tommy just wasn’t used to staying in “little inns with lots of character.” He would have to get used to the situation. Luckily, by the next day, he was acclimated to his new surroundings; Forest Lodge did have Wi-Fi.

And then, the rain came. Day one, it poured. Despite the rain, we all went down to town and looked in the little shops. In a jewelry shop, I bought my mother a turquoise necklace made by local Native Americans. I had packed rain ponchos, which we all sported. Not knowing what else to do after we went shopping, we hit the library and looked at the new books. Tommy liked this. He “gets” libraries. Going to the library is not your typical sightseeing excursion, but we didn’t want to get soaked, so we improvised. This is a reason why rainy vacations can be just what you need; improvisation is good for the brain.

That night, Steve grilled steaks in the pouring rain while standing under a big, blue golf umbrella.  The meat was expertly cooked, albeit a little wet, but what made the event so great was that it was novel and we would never forget it. I snapped pictures of Steve flipping steaks while trying to stay dry. It was a hoot! Another reason rainy holidays can be wonderful — you’ll never forget them.

The next day, guess what, it rained. That day, we decided not to go out in the morning, but instead, to watch a movie from Forest Lodge’s extensive movie library. We picked “Maid in Manhattan,” a lovable love story starring Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes. You wouldn’t think that three people holed up in a small hotel room on a rainy day would enjoy themselves, but the closeness got to us and we really began to feel like family instead of three folks who were residing under one roof. During that stay at Forest Lodge, we’d watch two more movies — “We Bought a Zoo” and some cheerleader movie about kids in high school; Tommy loved that one. Reason three — if the weather isn’t cooperating, you might find that your group is.  

That night, I cooked for us on our little stove. I made baked chicken, macaroni and cheese and broccoli.  The food tasted so good, cooked in tiny pots and pans. After dinner, we decided to go swimming in the rain. Steve and I jumped in the hot tub. Again, the experience was memorable because swimming in the rain was out of the ordinary. Cool drops wet our foreheads as our bodies melted in the hot, steamy water. Rainy vacations are just different and sometimes, that’s good.

After the swim, we got ready for bed.  

About three in the morning, I was awakened by what I thought was a dumpster diver rummaging through the lodge’s huge trash dumpster. Whoever it was, was throwing cans and bottles out of the bin and onto the ground. And, of course, it was raining.

The next morning, I had to laugh. The intruder hadn’t been a local scavenger; it was a huge, black bear! And this guy, we were told, barged into the hotel whenever he felt like it. The nice lady at the desk showed me a picture of the black bear trying to access the candy machine the year before.

Our friend the bear would have showed up rain or shine. He was hungry. But there was something all the more poignant about his ravenous appetite because it was pouring. The rain was drowning us all.

Day three was comprised of eating out, watching HGTV and playing Monopoly while it poured buckets outside. Believe it or not, I wish I could go back to that cozy little hotel room and do it all over again.

On the last day, the sun came out. Finally, we were able to take a family hike in Rocky Mountain National Park. We walked around a beautiful little lake. The contrast of the last three wet days and this glorious dry one was phenomenal. We were grateful for what we got that vacation. We didn’t need outside experiences to have a good time. The experience of being cooped up together helped us to enjoy each other and appreciate the fun you can have staying in.

In conclusion, don’t feel that all is lost if it’s raining on your vacation. Hunker down and make the best of the situation. You and your traveling companions will be much better for it. And, again, you’ll never forget the experience.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/26/rainy-vacations-can-be-good-for-you/

Do You Take Up Space or Make the World a Better Place?

The question crept into my consciousness in the early morning hours yesterday. When open to receiving them, the best inspirational thoughts do, and I jump on the opportunity to mold them into teaching tools. Turning 59 this year has set me on a trajectory and track that runs forward and backward. Taking stock as I enter the sixth decade of my life, I have a strong desire to propel myself into an empowered future, and I am aware that to do that, I need to glean treasures from the past that led me to this moment.  

I grew up in a family in which service was valued. In addition to raising my sister and me, working full time jobs, my parents volunteered in the community. My father was a firefighter and ran a Sunday morning breakfast gathering for kids at our synagogue and my mother donated her time at the local hospital, as a room mother at school and a Girl Scout cookie parent. She also handed out ribbons for our swim team. They set the bar high for donating of time and energy that my sister and I attempt to hurdle over.

From 1979 to 1982, I worked (initially as a volunteer and then as paid staff) for a crisis intervention center in Glassboro, New Jersey, called Together, Inc. It was where I cut my teeth on counseling and mental health education and the point at which I initiated long term friendships with my co-workers, who are still a treasured part of my life all these years later. One of them, named Gina Foster, said something a few decades following our initial encounter that she was determined to “live significantly.” That she has. A mother, grandmother and still in a helping profession, I know she makes a difference each day. When I look at the people with whom I shared my formative young adulthood, I observe that all of them remain in service work professionally. Even those who have retired, give back in some way.

Last week, I donned my unicorn costume, complete with gold star in the middle, a hood with the requisite horn and rainbow arrayed fluff and tail, and gold slippers with the same multi-colored stuff. The purpose was to entertain, dance with and inspire K-5 students for an organization called Rubye’s Kids. Founded 24 years ago, it has offered holiday joy for many thousands of inner city children in Philadelphia at an annual party. Roz and Don Weiss took over the reins of the organization after the founder named Rubye Caesar died.

I heard about it initially 15 years or so ago via a friend who used to be part of the group. Like me, she was a clown. My initial foray had me enjoying it so much that I returned for a few years each December. As my schedule got busier, I took some years off and it was only this year that I had time to jump back on board. What a joy it was to watch these faces of children for whom this may have been the only source of holiday gifts and entertainment that more privileged youngsters take for granted. They ran around and played with Sponge Bob and Spider Man garbed characters and danced to the music issuing forth from the sound board that Don Weiss operated. They were eager to partake of the toys, books, games, hats, gloves, decorate yourself cupcakes, rub on tattoos and ‘sparkle buttons,’ that read, “My sparkle lights up the world,” as a battery- operated light blinked. I was asked to hold down the fort at that table and as I pinned the buttons on hundreds of red and white t-shirt wearing students, my own sparkle radiated outward. A multi-generational endeavor, Roz and Don’s now adult children, Amy and Adam have been involved since they were young. Many friends from the community continue to donate their time, energy and love.

Rubye’s Kids’ mission is “to empower children living in poverty through joyful, enriching experiences that promote strong values, education, respect for self and others and commitment to community.”  

Their vision is “to provide a variety of enriching experiences for needy children in the Philadelphia Metropolitan area so that they have an opportunity to grow into self-assured, benevolent adults, who give back to the communities they encounter in their personal and professional lives.”

I remember something that the Dalai Lama verbalized when I interviewed him in 2008. I had asked him about the legacy he wanted to leave when he died. 

“No, no, no. Many years ago, a New York Times journalist asked me that question. I told her, as a Buddhist practitioner, not allowed. If I take serious my legacy, that means self-centered. So, I answer that and then again that lady asked a second time and I answered same way and then a third time and then I lost my temper. If you ask, I may lose my temper. (Laughter followed.) Your motivation should be sincere, and your life should be of benefit to some people. That is the main thing. Don’t care after my death.”

For me, a legacy isn’t about ego gratification or how I will be remembered. It is about doing good for its own sake, about practicing tikkun olam, which means ‘the repair of the world,’ in Hebrew. It is about being an example of loving kindness, of being the first one to reach out. It calls on us each day to do more than merely exist. We can take up space or we can make a difference.

I have also observed that people who have a purpose and live from that place, are less likely to be depressed or addicted. I have seen ‘unreasonable’ happiness overcome fear and challenges and that doing good can indeed make you feel good..

Do you take up space or make the world a better place? If you can’t give money, give time. Give your heart. Give your peaceful presence. Offer love. Offer healing. Clean up your side of the street. Make a difference. Let your legacy be remembered as a blessing to inspire others. As my friend Nimesh Patel says, we come into this world empty handed. We leave empty handed. It is what we do in between that makes a difference. Share kindness. Be a force for good in the world. It needs you.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/26/do-you-take-up-space-or-make-the-world-a-better-place/

Gaming Disorder Now Real? Why You Shouldn’t Get Your Health News from Forbes

There’s a problem when you’re a big digital publisher and pretty much allow anyone to write under your masthead. If you don’t carefully review and vet contributions from outside authors, people are going to write ridiculous things and make outrageous claims. Which, if allowed, will come back to haunt your reputation as a source of real, factual news.

Take, for instance, Forbes‘ recent article about “Gaming Disorder,” which makes the shocking claim that the World Health Organization has just endorsed this new mental health diagnosis.

The only problem with this claim? It’s a lie, in my opinion.

I’m sure Bruce Y. Lee means well in his article discussing “gaming disorder,” noting that it recently appeared in a draft version of the next edition of the ICD-11. (The ICD-11 is the diagnostic manual the world uses to classify all medical diseases and mental disorders; the United States, however, relies more on the DSM-5 for mental disorder diagnoses.)

Here’s what Lee claims:

Being in the ICD-11 means that it is officially a health condition, a diagnosis that can be used by doctors, other health care workers, and insurance companies. Some may even call it a label.

Now Lee, an Associate Professor of International Health at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, should know better than to make this claim. He should know what a draft version of a document means.

In fact, the ICD-11 Draft makes is super easy to understand what things in it mean at this early stage of its development. They put a disclaimer on every single page:

ICD-11 Beta draft is:

• NOT FINAL
• updated on a daily basis
• It is not approved by WHO
• NOT TO BE USED for CODING except for agreed FIELD TRIALS

The ICD-11 Draft is published so that researchers can better coordinate additional literature reviews and meta-analyses on the proposed diagnoses. A draft version of the ICD typically takes years to make its way from draft form to its final form. It is not published so that random bloggers can write apparently false articles hyping possible new diagnoses.

Most importantly, it basically undermines everything Lee claims. These are very important things Lee never mentions in his Forbes article. One, that this diagnostic proposal is not final. Two, no doctors, insurance companies, or clinicians can use this diagnosis on people they see in practice. And three, it is, in fact, not a World Health Organization approved diagnosis.

Yet that’s the exact opposite of what Lee says in his opening paragraph:

Who believes that playing video games can become a mental health disorder? Yes, the World Health Organization, that’s WHO.

It’s no wonder mainstream media outlets like Forbes are suffering from reputation problems. When they allow publication of hyperbolic articles like this proclaiming the World Health Organization has just recognized a new mental disorder when it actually hasn’t, that’s a real problem.

That’s why you probably shouldn’t get your health or psychology news from a publication like Forbes (or take what you read there with a healthy grain of salt). There just seems to be little editorial oversight at these large digital publishers when it comes to the validity of the health information they publish. And such oversight would seem to be kind of important for a news publication that wants to continue to be taken seriously.

So yes, while “gaming disorder” is being considered in the ICD-11 Draft version of the diagnostic manual, it is not a recognized mental disorder at this time. Not by the World Health Organization or any other organization.

 

Read the Forbes article now: Do You Have Video “Gaming Disorder”, A Newly Recognized Mental Health Condition?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/26/gaming-disorder-now-real-why-you-shouldnt-get-your-health-news-from-forbes/

Best of Our Blogs: December 26, 2018

As I sip my hot cocoa on Christmas morning, I’m thinking about you, our reader. What are you most desiring in 2018? What gifts has 2017 brought you? What are your greatest concerns, biggest wins and fails?

Although no single post can address every issue, grievance and struggle you’re experiencing, I’m grateful for Best of Our Blogs. There are so many places to get information on mental health issues even within our own site. But this blog post biweekly attempts to deliver solace, hope and information for many of the things you’re going through in one place.

Besides our posts this week, I wish you well. I wish you happiness, joy and the ability to see how resilient, strong and beautiful you are sitting there reading this, trying to get better, and working on yourself.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays dear reader!

Special Last Minute Holiday Help For The Emotionally Neglected
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – The holidays push you into situations that you’re normally able to escape from. But these tips on finding joy, overcoming discomfort and avoiding the self-discipline trap, offers a life raft from whatever difficult experience the holidays bring.

Comfort for Victims of Parental Alienation
(Full Heart, Empty Arms) – If there was a greeting card specifically for you, a parent missing their kids this Christmas due to an ex that’s alienated you, this would be it.

Narcissists and Gift Giving
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – What type of narcissist gift giver do you have in your life?

19 Things to Do with Anger Other Than Explode
(The Exhausted Woman) – The list you need to keep on hand to prevent another angry outburst.

Curb Your Yelling with 3 Steps
(Stress Better) – You feel ashamed, but can’t stop yourself from yelling at your kids. Read this to transform your anger.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/26/best-of-our-blogs-december-26-2018/

How Your Untreated Depression Can Affect Your Children

It’s good to know the facts.

Living with untreated depression is a horrible thing. Every day is full of hopelessness and despair. Life can seem unbearable. Imagine, then, how untreated depression in parents can affect their children.

Parenting is a 24/7 job. It’s all about modeling good behavior, paying attention, educating and loving our children. Doing these things while depressed can seem almost impossible.

As a result, untreated depression can have a huge negative effect on children.

Here are the 5 ways that untreated parental depression affects their children and how to best protect your kids during dark times:

1. Depression Is Scary.

For a child, depression in a parent is very scary. A child just cannot comprehend why their parent is acting the way that they are.

When depressed, parents can, and do, act a variety of ways — sad, angry, tired, anxious, ambivalent, indifferent, insecure, or even aggressive. As a result, if those behaviors show up regularly, children can start acting anxious, insecure, and aggressive themselves.

Parenting While Depressed: 6 Things You Should Remember

2. Kids Blame Themselves.

When my daughter was 15, I shared with her that I had just been diagnosed with depression but that I had probably suffered from it for years.

Her reaction? “I am so glad to know that it wasn’t my fault.”

Children are so innocent and so self-centered, and as a result, they believe that anything that happens in the world is a result of them and their actions. Because of this, a child can easily internalize their parent’s depressed feelings and blame themselves for the behaviors.

3. Their Parent Isn’t Parenting.

When a parent is suffering from untreated depression, they just can’t be the parent that they usually are or want to be.

If a parent is so sad that she must take to her bed for days or if the depression has made him particularly cranky and impatient, the child will suffer. If her mom can’t get out of bed to make her dinner, then she will have to fend for herself. If her dad is always yelling at her, she will feel bad about herself and take to her room.

Parents need to be parents and it’s difficult to be so when they are suffering from untreated depression. And kids need their parents to be parents.

4. Their Mom and Dad Don’t Seem to Like Each Other.

One of the biggest side effects of untreated depression is relationship instability.

When one partner is depressed, the other will often struggle to understand what is happening and why their partner can’t just snap out of it. This feeling of helplessness can lead to anger and frustration which in turn interferes with relationship health.

And there is nothing scarier for a child than having her parents not get along. The parental unit is what provides the foundation for a child’s growth. If that is regularly unstable the results can be devastating and permanent.

5. They Don’t Feel Safe at Home.

Unfortunately, when one suffers from untreated depression, productivity can suffer. As a result, one’s home can get dirty, meals don’t get made, laundry doesn’t get done, and safety standards don’t get met.

As a result, many children of parents living with untreated depression are neglected in some way which forces them to either suffer needlessly or grow up very quickly because they have to take care of themselves from an early age.

How unfair is that?

So, how can you protect your kids during these dark times?

1. Be Honest With Them.

If kids, or adults, know what is going on then they are more likely able to deal with it.

Tell your kids if you or your partner is suffering from depression. Explain to them that mommy’s sadness or daddy’s anger is the result of something that they can’t control. Ask them if they have any questions and be willing to answer them.

Being honest will allow your kids to understand, to some degree, what is going on which will alleviate some of their anxiety around the situation.

2. Explain That It’s Not Their Fault.

More than anything, a child needs to hear from his or her parent that the behaviors they are experiencing aren’t their fault.

Understanding that their parents’ instability isn’t a result of their actions will take a considerable weight off of a child’s shoulders. And it is the very important to not let your child blame themselves for your troubles.

How Having Postnatal Depression Actually Made Me a Better Mom

3. Remove Yourself From the Situation.

If you are depressed, make every effort to not overexpose your kids to your moods. When you are depressed, if you are able, send your kids to a friend’s house or have your spouse take them out for the afternoon.

Constant exposure to a parent who is suffering from untreated depression can have a significant negative effect on kids. Even a short break from the moodiness can be therapeutic.

4. Get Help Around the House.

If meals aren’t getting made or the house isn’t getting cleaned consider getting someone in to help.

Children need to be taken care of and if you can’t do it, let someone else. Your kids will thank you someday.

5. Seek Professional Psychiatric Help.

The best way to protect your kids during dark times is to get help!

If depression goes on untreated, it just gets worse. Early intervention can greatly reduce the effects of depression in a parent on a child. See your primary care physician immediately. They will help you get treatment right away so that you can protect your kids.

Untreated depression in parents can affect children in a big way.

Kids of parents with untreated depression often suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity, and anxiety and often are forced to grow up way too fast.

It is essential that you make an effort to protect your child if you or your partner suffers from untreated depression. Be honest with them, make sure their needs are taken care of and seek help as soon as possible.

They are your children. They deserve the best, whether you are depressed or not.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Ways Untreated Depression In Parents Affects Their Kids.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/25/how-your-untreated-depression-can-affect-your-children/