The Ways We Define Recovery Can Skew Statistics

“Recovery” is not a term reserved only for those who choose and maintain the path of complete abstinence.

Inside a theatre, a stark visual appears:

“Each year, only 1% of addicts are able to kick heroin and stay clean.”

This quickly cuts to images of my former self deliberately counting syringes at the needle exchange site. I see a shadow I recognize as myself in active addiction. I can barely discern my gender, my clothing keenly styled to blend into the streets that I called home. As the lights in the theatre go on, I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

“Is that true?” my friend asks, offering me the last bit of whatever candy has melted to the bottom of the box.

“Is what true?” My mind starts spinning with whatever embarrassing section of the film I will now have to explain in great detail.

He points at the screen where the credits are finally reaching an end point. “That statistic that only one percent of heroin users get and stay clean. Is that true?” He looks genuinely concerned for me. I shrug. I accept his hand up from my seat now that the crowd has dissipated. “I don’t actually know. I mean, I don’t think so.” I didn’t have the answer.

That “statistic” stuck with me. What does that say about my chances? Many times in my 20 years of recovery, I have heard “facts” that were later revealed to be fallacies. It was extremely disheartening; with only a little over a year under my belt, what were the actual chances that I would be in that one percent?

Before I became what some call “clean” and others call “sober,” I had never known a person who effectively quit opioids. This had, in many ways, made me think such a thing was completely impossible. If there were effective ways to quit, I would surely know someone who had stopped according to my logic. However, as the weeks turned into months and months turned into years, more had been revealed to me. It was not that people did not quit, I just never saw them. It made perfect sense that any rational person who was trying to stay off the drugs was wise to avoid me while I was in active addiction. My life revolved around acquiring and injecting drugs with little room for socialization. No hobbies, no real friends, no family, no desire for anything outside of what I could fit inside a syringe.

When I began to critically examine the myths that were thrown around as facts in the recovery community, I quickly started to noticed that this “one percent” idea did not ring true. With a quick glance, I saw that the community I lived in was filled with people who had survived years of active addiction only to return to normal lives. In the initial phases of recovery, I saw those former comrades of the traveling spoon in roles such as drug counselor, the service industry, and front desk positions at halfway houses. As the years progressed, I have witnessed using buddies in a variety of professions: three nurses, one therapist, one bus driver, one phlebotomist, an IT executive, a chef, a few case managers, and one director of services for ex-offenders. How is this possible, I asked myself. There is no way this is just “one percent” of us. What does this say about our peer group? Are we just the lucky ones or is something in this “statistic” entirely flawed?

Well? Could something be entirely wrong? Find out in the rest of the original article The Other One Percent: How Definitions of Recovery Skew Statistics at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-ways-we-define-recovery-can-skew-statistics/

Get Out of the Blame Game

If you grew up in a family where an angry “who did it?” was more important that “what did you learn?” when things got broken, disrupted, or misplaced, you may well be almost phobic about accountability. In families where there’s a constant emphasis on meting out justice in the form of blame and punishment, the kids often learn that to be accountable is to be blamed and to be blamed is dangerous.

Whether they actually did do something wrong, forgot to do something, or didn’t do something correctly, kids in such families learn a number of tactics to ward off parental anger and to reduce or eliminate their own shame: They figure out creative excuses. They create scenarios where they were the victim or at least not at fault. They may decide it’s safer not to do things than to do them and make mistakes. They take on new challenges only in secrecy. Some even figure that it’s more important to finger the other guy than to take responsibility.

Exacerbating their experience in such a family, kids today are growing up in a culture in which there always seems to be someone else to blame for what people do or don’t do. Facebook is full of posts in which politicians and celebrities make excuses for bad behavior. Although kids are often told about the importance of personal responsibility, significant role models are showing them that it’s more effective to declare innocence and get out of the situation rather than take correction and learn. For some of our most public figures, avoiding blame seems to be more important than living decently or learning from mistakes.

The result? Blame shifting is becoming normalized. We adults are in danger of becoming inured to it. Children and teens are being regularly taught that it’s not necessary to be “right” so much as to show that someone else is “wronger.” Sadly, the avoidance skills learned in critical families and that are modeled by the less than honorable rich and famous are the very things that conspire against success as an adult.

Adults who avoid accountability often miss out on important opportunities for growth and for depth in relationships that life has to offer. Regularly finding others to blame when there’s been a mistake erodes others’ trust. Unwillingness to take corrective feedback can lead to failure in school and on the job. Feeling phobic about the possibility of blame is a very difficult way to live.

What to do to get out of the blame game:

If you are an adult who is blame-phobic, make the commitment to train yourself to be a better person than the adults who shaped you. Being an adult often means letting go of less-than-helpful strategies learned if we grew up in a family that was dysfunctional or that simply didn’t know better.

If you are a parent reading this article, please consider the importance of teaching your children these skills:  

• If you have harmed someone, it’s important to feel the shame and make things as right as you can but it shouldn’t end there. Think about the situation long and hard with as much honesty as you can muster. Analyze your part in it and resolve to do things differently should a similar situation happen again.
• If you’re afraid of blame, the most important thing you can tell yourself right now and often is that life is not a court of law. Life is an endless opportunity for learning. Make it a mantra. Say it until you really believe it.
• Look boldly at mistakes. If you lie about them, deny them, or find a way to make them someone else’s fault, you’ll miss the opportunity to add to your own competence. Instead, see mistakes as an important opportunity for learning. Figure out what you can take from the experience that will help you in life.
• If someone blames you, resist the temptation to get angry and argue. Instead, do your best to open dialogue. The world will not stop turning if you agree that you messed up. Apologize and fix the problem. If you didn’t do whatever it is that you are being blamed for, calmly present your point of view and ask for suggestions about how to move forward.
• Catch yourself when you find yourself wanting to blame someone else for, well, anything. Ask yourself if blaming will actually make things better. Usually it doesn’t. Once we establish blame we not only still have a problem to solve but the person who is blamed is on the defensive.
• If someone else really is responsible for a problem, do hold them accountable. But preserve the relationship by finding a way to do it that allows them to have some dignity and to participate in problem-solving.
• Focus on what to do next instead of who is to blame. Finding out who broke the window doesn’t get it fixed. Being upset with a friend who is always late doesn’t make her be on time. When family members are in conflict, it doesn’t matter who started it. It matters that they resolve their differences so they can get along and solve the problem.

To make mistakes is only human. Sitting in blame and shame doesn’t help anyone (adult or child; you or anyone else) become a better person nor does it teach them how to make better decisions. Get out of the blame game. Growth comes from forgiveness, compassion and moving on.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/get-out-of-the-blame-game/

Psychology Around the Net: March 31, 2018

This week I’m covering for Alicia and found myself with a mix bag of psychology news.

It’s a wake up call about how far we need to go when it comes to mental health stigma and being able to predict the next mass shooter. There’s also exciting research on what makes beginners overconfident and why you should think twice before using your phone in social situations.

I learned a lot of new things this week. As you’ll see, there’s something here for everybody.

Majority of people still think mental illness is a disorder like schizophrenia, OCD – A mental health study in India with 3,556 respondents from eight cities in India shows there is significant stigma and misinformation when it comes to mental illness.

There’s still no scientific way to know who will become a mass shooter – In the aftermath of mass shootings, there is a lot of pointing fingers, but also lack of understanding and research on warning signs to look out for. This article looks at possible risk factors and theories.

Research: Learning a Little About Something Makes Us Overconfident – A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology has students acting as med residents in a post-apocalyptic zombie inhabited world. The results of the study showed, “beginner’s bubble,” a tendency for overconfidence to rise following initial bouts of learning a new task.

Happiness 101: Psychology course strikes chord with Yale students – One of the most popular classes at Yale is “Psychology and the Good Life.” Students learn the science behind happiness and have homework assignments such as gratitude exercises and increasing social connections.

‘Phubbing’ can threaten our basic human needs, research shows – If you’ve ever ignored someone to check your phone, you’re guilty of phubbing and as this study shows it could have negative consequences to your relationships.

‘Dark places, depression, anxiety’: Mark Rypien opens up about his mental health struggles – Former Redskins quarterback Mark Rypien shares his emotional struggles to help end the silence of mental illness.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-march-31-2018/

The $5 Snake Phobia Cure

On my way to the airport recently my Lyft driver asked my wife and me what we do for a living, so I told him that we produce training videos for mental health professionals. Sometimes that’s a conversation stopper; people say something like “oh, interesting….” and the banter trails off. But he didn’t miss a beat and told me he had seen a psychologist for three sessions, but the therapist said very little, and he stopped going. I thought to myself, “oh no, another client with a sub-optimal experience with a too-passive therapist.” Although he was quite chatty, I didn’t feel we had enough “Lyft alliance” for me to inquire about the reason for his consultation, but he then relayed a related story.

He told me he had experienced a severe snake phobia, so much so that he couldn’t even look at a picture of a snake. He also had a fear of being alone (join the club, I thought). One day he was with a friend in a touristy area, and spotted a man with a large snake around his neck, offering the general public the privilege of sporting his snake in a photo pose for a mere $5. Before his pre-frontal cortex was able to chart out a course on Google maps to his Broca’s area to articulate that this wasn’t a business proposition he was interested in, his friend snatched the snake and put it around his neck, and snapped a few photos.

Somehow this quick action threw a monkey wrench into his previously established phobic narrative, and he found himself touching the snake and liking the experience. Voila, phobia cured in a few seconds for only $5!

This reminded me of an interview I did a few years ago with the legendary Albert Bandura at Stanford, where he relayed to me his studies using systematic densensitization to quickly and effectively cure snake phobics. When I first heard about this, I thought “so what?”—I’d been in private practice for many years, treated hundreds of clients, and didn’t recall a single one complaining of a snake phobia, or any other phobia for that matter. But Bandura explained that the folks in his study were in some cases really handicapped by their phobia, for example: plumbers who were afraid to crawl under a house because of their fear. And so eliminating the fear really did have profound ripple effects in their lives.

Such was the case with the unnamed Lyft driver. He told us that this instant success at curing his snake phobia gave him confidence in other matters. He realized that the fear was all in his head, and that suddenly other fears lost their potency. His fear of being alone, for example: he realized it’s not such a terrible thing. This gave him the courage to walk away from a lousy relationship with his girlfriend, and he reported being happily single.

I’m not much a behaviorist, but examples such as this further convince me that it’s just plain silly to limit your “interventions” to whatever school or orientation you align yourself with. I know, I know…others will argue that fidelity to a specific model is important. I respectfully disagree. Success breeds success. If our Lyft driver can conquer one fear and this has ripple effects throughout his life, more power to him. He got great treatment for 5 bucks!
 

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/the-5-snake-phobia-cure

Can You Unfriend a Person Without Demonizing Them?

Never in my six decades have I been witness to such great divide between people of various socio-political stripes. Even the Vietnam war, with its protests and the slogans spouted by the young about not trusting anyone over 30 and the older set not trusting long-haired hippies, didn’t tear relationships asunder as is the case now.

Stanford Law School professor Mugambi Jouet is the author of the provocative book Exceptional America: What Divides Americans from the World and from Each Other. In it, he explores the polarities that exist in this country like nowhere else on the planet.  

“What’s intriguing,” he says, “is that American society is extraordinarily polarized today by both U.S. historical standards and international standards. Leaving aside a few other periods like the Civil War, for example, there are not many phases of American history where we see such a big clash over fundamental issues. Americans are routinely clashing over matters that are either not controversial or much less controversial elsewhere in the modern Western world, such as whether people should have basic rights to health care, whether special interests should be allowed to spend unlimited money on elections and lobbying, whether climate change is a hoax, a myth or scientific reality. The list goes on and on, from abortion to contraception, gay rights, gun control, theory of evolution, the death penalty, mass incarceration, even torture.”

It has become such a gut wrenchingly difficult issue for this tree hugging liberal, whose parents encouraged her to speak her mind, stand up for the underdog and be a force for good in the world. In my circles, most people share similar world-view, and some have joined in the various marches and vigils held in this shifting of rocky political ground. Many write copious amounts on social media about their distress over how things are unraveling.

There are others I know whose perspectives are a few inches apart from my own and some miles away. I have attempted to understand what shaped their values and actions. Not sure they have done the same. I acknowledge that everyone has the right to their opinion, since as my father would say, “It’s a free country.” Even so, I find it challenging to my egalitarian sensibilities.

As an active social media user, I am bombarded daily with messages that endorse the polar opposite of what I espouse. Sometimes I can shrug it off, considering the source. There are other times when I attempt to use logic, as well as my experience as a clinician who treats people whose mental health has been severely impacted by the actions taken by this administration. I too feel deep concern about the cognitive and emotional status of the occupant of the Oval Office. My expressions are sometimes dismissed as liberal lambasting and ‘fake news’ in an attempt to criticize their presidential choice.

Today I unfriended a family member over her intensely right-wing views that make me cringe. We had a brief series of interactions on line as she did her ‘what about?’ deflection when asked about what is happening in the nation’s capital that ripples out worldwide. She is an earnest cheerleader for the current administration, using jargon and slogans to rally support. What saddens me is how far she has departed from what I remember as a more open-minded upbringing.

The idea of confirmation bias and the echo chamber factor may play a role here. They describe a state of mind in which our beliefs are validated in the news pieces we choose to use as validation. It is also known as, “pockets of political polarization.” I admit that I would much rather read articles about which I can cheer rather than boo, those that have me feeling nourished and not force fed verbal junk food.

Her choices of reading, listening and viewing material do indeed reinforce her adamant beliefs. When I announced my reluctant decision, my friends rallied around, supporting me in preventing myself from absorbing the negativity I could feel when seeing her posts in my thread. They too have felt a need to disconnect from certain family and friends as they went head to head over differences in opinion.

As I sit in my liberal cocoon, I imagine what it is like in the other camp. They too feel validated by their own values and see mine as threatening their sense of security. Regardless of which side of the aisle we sit, we all breathe air, drink water, have the right to safety, freedom from hate rhetoric, body sovereignty, loving who we choose, freedom of speech, freedom of the press. This administration has made it clear that those are not important to them.

Seems I am in good company as a study funded by the Pew Charitable Trust, indicates that liberals are more likely to unfriend conservatives rather than vice versa. When I do attempt to share my take on things, I am careful not to name call and cast aspersions. I don’t succumb to even the most fleeting inclination to use disparaging comments about the physical appearance of anyone in the administration. I avoid polarizing epithets. Instead, I describe direct statements made and the responses offered, as well as the impact on the state of the world by same.

In the same way, I did that very thing with the family member, responding to the dissemination of information she highlighted on her Facebook page. Now I need not do that with her. We don’t live near each other and are not likely to meet again in this lifetime. I can unfriend without demonizing her or anyone else who sees the world through the same lens. I am open to good conversation on nearly any topic. This feels like more than agreeing to disagree. Too much is at stake.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/can-you-unfriend-a-person-without-demonizing-them/

How Worry Takes Us Away from Our Lives — and What We Can Do About It

Mark Twain is quoted as saying: “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” The more I observe the happenings of my own mind the more I see truth in this statement.

As I am writing this I’m waiting to find out the results of an MRI on my foot, to determine whether I have a stress fracture. I’ve been worrying now for a week, since I first injured it (after a run). I love to run and be active, and the thought of having to wear an orthopedic boot and be laid up for 6 weeks is making me anxious. To have this happen during the spring (my favorite season) when the weather is finally getting nice is adding to my upset.

And therein lie the fascinating workings of the mind!  I’ve been paying attention to my thinking a lot over this past week. When I’m meditating, my mind has found its way to worrying about my foot. When I’m walking around and feel some sensation in my foot, my mind likes to wander there as well. When I’m not feeling sensation in my foot I’m wondering about whether I have a stress fracture and hoping that I don’t. It’s been taking up a lot of space in my mind lately. But here is the most interesting part: All of my upset has been because of living in some anticipated future. My irritability, my bad mood at times, my worry have nothing to do with this present moment.

Each time I find myself experiencing anxiety or upset about my foot I check in and see what’s really happening. And each time I discover that I am in some mental rehearsal in my head, envisioning how much less fun I am going to have getting through the next 6 weeks without my beloved activities.

When I stop and bring myself back to what is actually happening right NOW, it is an opportunity to awaken. Right now I might be having a quiet, peaceful space to meditate, and save for my mind pulling me into my worry thoughts I am actually quite enjoying the space of this moment. Or I am sitting with my patients engaged in helping them, or perhaps I am having a dinner with my friends and enjoying the company and connection. The reality is, I am usually not miserable or anxious about what is happening right NOW. In fact, I have many meaningful moments to fill each day if I choose to rest my attention there.

Yet worry can take us away from our lives. And often, minor worries can consume more of our days than we may realize. (My next blog will elaborate on how we can manage bigger worries).

So this minor injury has been an opportunity to remind me to practice three things:

1. To bring compassion to myself for whatever I am experiencing — I’m human after all, and the human mind worries.
2.  To notice how much my thoughts (especially about anticipating the future) contribute to my unhappiness.
3. To bring my attention back to what is happening right now, and choose where I want to focus my attention (rather than let my mind wander aimlessly in unhelpful ruminations).

This foot injury is seemingly minuscule in the grand scheme of life, but it has been a great opportunity to notice up close and personal the workings of my mind. (It turns out it isn’t a stress fracture, but another injury that requires some need for rest as well). But if it wasn’t this, it could easily be some other worry creeping in. Our minds tend to wander much of the time, often to the past or future, or to self-referential thinking. In fact, neuroscientists suggest that the default setting of our brain is in this mind-wandering state much of the time. Most of our ruminations do not serve us in any helpful way because this is the kind of thinking that can’t solve anything. But it can take us away from our lives.  

So the next time you find yourself caught up in mental ruminations, see if you might try the following:

1. Name what you are feeling (i.e., I notice I’m feeling anxious, worried; AND this is difficult). Send some compassion to yourself. Notice the feeling but recognize that you are not the feeling (note the difference between “I am worried” vs. “I notice that I am experiencing worry in my body”). The noticing helps us to gain a bit of distance.
2. Check and see if your discomfort/upset is about something happening right now, or something that may (or may not) happen in the future.
3. If it is something upsetting right now, allow yourself to be with the feelings that are arising and choose wise actions to help you cope with what is happening. Do what you can to improve the situation. Practice self-compassion.
4. If you are stuck in ruminations or unhelpful mental anticipation, notice that and choose to direct your attention to something in THIS moment. Notice what is OK about this moment and let your mind rest there (i.e., I am having lunch outside. The sunshine is warm on my face. I am enjoying this food that I prepared). Each time your mind gets pulled away, gently direct it back and ask yourself if you are OK in this moment. Choose to rest there. Even if this moment is filled with some emotional pain or challenge, it is easier to cope with right now/this moment/today rather than with now + everything that might happen in the future.

It isn’t easy to tame our worries, but being aware of the nature of our minds is a good first step. (Stay tuned for my next blog, which will suggest some ways to manage more intense worries that may grip us.)

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-worry-takes-us-away-from-our-lives-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

Best of Our Blogs: March 30, 2018

How much time do you actually spend alone in silence listening to that inner voice?

We often know more about our co-worker, best friend and even a reality star than we know ourselves.

The discomfort of hearing our thoughts usually keeps us busy. It’s the reason why the television is always on even when we’re not watching it, why we’d rather listen to a podcast or music than take a walk or run in silence.

What are you afraid of hearing? Is it possible there’s truth in the stillness and you’re afraid to know what it is?

If so, this is the perfect week to read our top posts. You’ll garner ways to get to know yourself better and declutter your mind. In doing so, you may have the clarity to decipher your relationships and discover you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.

10 Smiles and What They Mean
(Psychoanalysis Now) – Who knew there were more than one type of smile and yet it makes sense why some smiles make you feel angry and stressed.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse Amongst Siblings
(The Exhausted Woman) – What does narcissism look like between siblings? You may recognize your relationship in this post.

20 Silly Prompts to Spark Self-Discovery
(Make a Mess: Everyday Creativity) – Have fun and learn something new about yourself with this creative list.

Tips for Taking Out Your Mental Trash
(Mentoring & Recovery) – It’s a way of looking at your monkey mind that you’ve never thought of before.

Love Bombing and Other Tactics from the Male Narcissist’s Handbook
(Knotted) – These tips will reveal whether you’ve been swept off your feet or just swept up by a narcissist.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-march-30-2018/

3 Ways Highly Successful People Handle Self-Doubt

Think about the last time you felt fear and anxiety take control of your day. Maybe it stopped you from speaking up in a meeting because you felt like your opinion wasn’t worthwhile. Perhaps a simple email took you hours to write because your inner critic kept telling you it wasn’t good enough — that you weren’t good enough.

Many high-achievers struggle with thoughts that they are a fraud and that they are incompetent, despite a track record of accomplishments.

This psychological phenomenon, known as Impostor Syndrome, can show up in many areas of our lives including at work in the form of:

• Downplaying promotions
• Declining new responsibilities
• Assuming you’re not qualified enough for your job

While no one is immune from self-doubt, it actually impacts high-achievers the most and in my experience, this battle with the inner critic is one many successful people share — yet one we don’t often talk about it.

The Truth About Self-Doubt

Fear of failure is a universal human emotion, experienced by some of the world’s most successful people

Maya Angelou once admitted:

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, “Uh-oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.”

Leaders from virtually every industry have spoken about feeling undeserving of success, including Neil Gaiman, Sheryl Sandberg, Emma Watson, and even Albert Einstein.

So if you are dealing with Impostor Syndrome, know that you are not alone. While it’s true that self-doubt can be toxic, what’s more problematic is the fact that we never learn to deal with this normal, expected emotion in healthy ways.

In my TEDx talk I shared a simple two-step strategy highly successful people use to overcome self-doubt. The secret is approaching uncertainty as a skill and embracing a growth mindset that it’s something you can get better at with time and practice.

You can watch my talk for the full details, but here are a few tips to get you started.

How Highly Successful Deal with Impostor Syndrome

1. They recognize repetitive thought patterns and actively change their mindset.

Out of the 60 to 70,000 thoughts we have every day, estimates suggest 98% of them are the same. This means your inner critic is really a habit– a thought pattern you can get control of.

Start by identifying underlying beliefs (potentially rooted in childhood) that may make you feel as though you don’t deserve your success. Look for exaggerated, irrational, or unrealistic thoughts that come up again and again and practice identifying common cognitive distortions that trip you up.

2. They get curious and ask questions.

Your inner critic is really there to protect you, so do your best to practice self-compassion. Take the questions it poses at face value and use it for problem solving.

For example, if your inner critic is cautioning that you may not be ready to pursue a new career path, address its concerns constructively. Use it as an opportunity to honestly assess your skills and evaluate gaps you need to fill.

3. They don’t let fear get in the way of their purpose.

We all experience worry and confusion in the face of change and uncertainty. It’s normal to be afraid. Our inner critic will always speak up anytime we try to do big things no matter how positive we try to be. Hearing the voice of your inner critic can mean you’re about to do something brave and important to you. No one gets the luxury of living without fear–not even confident people.

So, it’s time to start viewing your emotions — the good and the “bad” — for what they are: your greatest strength and most valuable tool.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-ways-highly-successful-people-handle-self-doubt/

5 Ways to Show Your Partner You Care — Just by Being Mindful

Mindfulness is a practice that has been used for thousands of years to reduce stress and increase brainpower. But you can even use mindfulness to improve your relationships.

Just think, if you were to call your spouse right now and ask them, “On a scale of 1-10, how loved do you feel by me today?” Would they say 10? Probably not. But that’s no reason to worry. There are many different ways that you can show your partner how much you care without spending a lot of money or disrupting your work schedule.

Mindfulness is a simple technique shown in countless clinical trials as an effective way to boost overall health and drop stress levels. It has even been shown to change your brain! So, how can mindfulness help your relationship?

5 Ways to Use Mindfulness to Show Your Partner You Care

1. Take a Breath. If you and your partner are like most couples, you disagree at times. You argue and sometimes (ok, most of the time) you hurt each other’s feelings. That is completely expected. However, over time, it can lead to resentment, hostility and even stonewalling. Practice mindfulness as a way to show your partner you care any time you feel frustrated with them. In that moment, just before you express your annoyance STOP. Take a deep breath in through the nose for 5 seconds, (1-2-3-4-5). Then, release the breath for 5 seconds out of your mouth (1-2-3-4-5) and as you do, change your reaction. Opt instead to just listen to your partner and let the argument pass if you are able to. That’s how you can mindfully avoid conflict and show them you care.
2. Give a Compliment. When you get the chance, it is ideal to compliment your partner in order to support their healthy self-esteem. However, if you are not aware of the opportunities you may not take advantage of them. Practice mindfulness by focusing your attention on your mate, and when you can compliment them. Look for chances to tell them about their great work, good looks, loving heart and any other positive attribute. The rest of the world will do its job of focusing on your partner’s flaws — so, show them you love them by doing just the opposite.
3. Silence Their Critic. One of the hardest parts about being human is the critic inside our own minds. That inner voice may say things like, “You’re not attractive,” “You don’t make enough money,” or “You’re fat.” But as a spouse or romantic partner, you can use your mindfulness to help silence that critical voice inside their head. Become more aware of moments when your mate may be paying attention to that “critic” with a loving touch during a stressful moment or a supportive comment when you know they are struggling. That’s all it takes to show them you see them and that you care.
4. Avoid Triggers. In any relationship there are times when your personality simply clashes with the other person. This is common in romantic relationships just as much as any other. However, the special bond between romantic partners is one that should be honored with peaceful communication. Show your partner that you care by being mindful of their personal triggers. This may include some for anger, sadness, irritation, self-consciousness and other painful emotions. So, use your mindfulness to AVOID those triggers — at all costs! It may just save your relationship.
5. Invite Them. Mindfulness can happen any time during your day or night and your partner doesn’t need to know you’re practicing a technique. But you can also ask them to join in with you during a mindfulness practice by trying something more engaging like the mind/body mindful practice of yoga, or even a simple breathing exercise. Inviting your partner into your mindfulness practice is a great way to show them you care and that you want them to also be more present in your relationship. This can help you to also cultivate a greater sense of peace between you.

Talking to a Relationship Counselor about Your Spouse

Your relationship might be one of the most important things in your life. And if you truly value it, you will put the relationship with your spouse at the top of your priority list. Consider talking to a relationship counselor about your struggles or how to approach communicating better by applying mindfulness to your relationship. In clinical studies, practicing mindfulness within romantic relationships was shown to not only help with satisfaction, but also reduce emotional stress, resolve conflicts and encourage a positive perception of the relationship. So, start with these 5 tips to be more mindful with your spouse. Then, also consider talking to your partner about including a counselor in your relationship to further develop your connection together.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways-to-show-your-partner-you-care-just-by-being-mindful/

Podcast: Asking the Therapists

Psych Central – and many other places – has a group of therapists who answer questions online. Two of them join us to answer questions about what they do. In this episode, you’ll learn how they got involved with this endeavor, the process of how the questions are received and answers are given, and how the therapists approach inquiries that involve unfamiliar cultures. They also talk about the most common questions they receive, some of the most disturbing ones they’ve had to answer, and the concerns they have when giving certain replies.

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Asking the Therapists Show Highlights:

“It’s been a personal goal of mine since graduate school to be one of the people who could make the work of psychology accessible to the lay public.” ~ Marie Hartwell-Walker

[3:00]   How Marie and Dan got involved with online Q&As.

[4:42]   How the process of receiving and answering questions works.

[8:52]   How are cross-cultural issues handled?

[16:26] The most common questions received.

[19:36] The most disturbing questions received.

[21:58] The concerns Marie and Dan have in giving replies.

 

 

About Our Guests

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College. He is also Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University.

www.dare2behappy.com

Text CHAPTERS to 44222 for two free chapters of Dan’s book.

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

 

 

 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-asking-the-therapists/

Helping Teens Affected by Parents’ Substance Use

There are three rules kids grow up with if they live in a home where someone has a problem with alcohol and/or other substances: don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel.

Teens make up part of the 8.7 million children in the U.S. age 17 or younger who live in a household with at least one parent suffering from a substance use disorder (SUD) in the past year.

Teens in this situation “should talk to someone, friends, other family members, teachers, school counselors, or other trusted adults. There are many avenues to get help. Teens need to know they’re not alone,” said Frances Harding, director of the Center for Substance Abuse Prevention of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) in Washington, D.C.

Researchers, counselors, and program managers help teens resolve psychological issues by looking at personal stories and statistical data. They get this information from therapy sessions and teen substance use treatment programs.

“Children of parents with substance use issues are more likely to experience trauma and its effects, which include difficulties with concentration and learning, controlling physical and emotional responses to stress, and forming trusting relationships,” said Harding.

Harding indicated that it is critical for teens who live with a parent who has an SUD to learn how to talk to others about what happens at home. “These kids need support from other caring adults, whether that be at school, at places of worship, at after-school programs, or at work,” said Harding.

“There are three rules kids grow up with if they live in a home where someone has a problem with alcohol and/or other substance use disorders. The rules are ‘don’t talk,’ ‘don’t trust,’ and ‘don’t feel’…

If those are the rules, how can teens who have parents with substance use disorders find coping mechanisms, foster emotional wellness, and overall stay safe? Find out in the rest of the original article How to Help Teens Affected by Parents’ Substance Use at The Fix.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/helping-teens-affected-by-parents-substance-use/

How to Protect Your Relationship from Online Infidelity

Why is online infidelity so common? Unlimited opportunities for connection, the appeal of online communication, and the ease of anonymity. I explained this in my last article on online infidelity. So the next question that must be asked is what can you do to prevent your relationship from falling victim to online infidelity? The truth is that it depends.

There is no clear definition or boundaries when it comes to online behaviors. How will you and your partner be able to prevent these behaviors if you don’t even know what is acceptable?

Although it may sound vague, when it comes down to it, what really matters is you and your partner. Each of you will have differing opinions and feelings when it comes to internet and social media practices, and they are all valid.

Below are four steps you and your partner can take to help define what online infidelity means to your relationship and how to prevent your relationship from being affected by it.  

Set Rules and Boundaries

It is up to you and your partner to determine what boundaries should be in place for using the internet as a social mechanism, just as you would set boundaries around your behaviors with others in-person.

What is acceptable and unacceptable social media and internet usage? You may initially have disagreements about acceptable usage and rules you want in place. Discuss where each boundary is coming from and if it is in line with your values as a couple. Knowing how each boundary relates to a shared value may help you understand and accept why that boundary should be in place.

Be open with your partner about your emotions if this boundary were to be crossed. Also allow discussion about access to phones and internet accounts to help keep each of you accountable.

Discuss Intention and Motivation Behind Online Behaviors

Have a conversation with your partner about the purpose of the internet in your lives and how you both use social media, websites, forums, and text messaging. After understanding the role the online world plays for each of you, have a discussion about why each of you behaves as you do on the internet. What was the intention behind sending that message or liking that picture? What is the motivation behind not letting your partner read your texts?

Without being accusatory, this may be a good time to bring up some of the online behaviors your partner engages in that make you uncomfortable. You may find that you or your partner’s intentions may be in seeking something that is not being received from the relationship; in this case, you now know what areas in your relationship need to be strengthened. On the other hand, your worries may be eased by each of your answers, and your relationship reinforced.

Don’t Compare

It’s important not to compare your partner to other people you see on the internet, or your relationship to other couples you see on the internet. Remember that what people show on the internet is usually the best versions of themselves and does not display the hardships they experience as individuals or as a couple.

It is also essential not to compare the content of the conversations you and your partner have had, as well as the rules and boundaries you set, with those of other couples you observe. You might feel jealousy or regret after hearing that your friend’s relationship has looser rules around online infidelity. Each relationship is unique, and keep in mind that what might be best for one couple may not be best for another.

Determine Your Level of Trust

After having a discussion about setting rules and boundaries, motivation and intention, and reminding yourself not to compare your partner or relationship to anyone else’s, check the level of confidence you have in both yourself and in our partner in following the rules and boundaries. If, after those initial three steps, you still feel like you cannot trust your partner, or even yourself, there may be a bigger concern present in your relationship for which you may need to seek further help.

The internet is always evolving and will continue to grow and surprise us with the different ways in which we can connect with others in our community and around the world. What needs to stay constant are the values and expectations you and your partner share regarding the internet. It may take time to work through the steps listed above, but with time and honest conversation with your partner, the frustration and confusion you feel about online infidelity will become clearer, and will hopefully lead you to a more assured relationship with your partner.  

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-protect-your-relationship-from-online-infidelity/

Drowning in Toxic Thoughts? Is Your Mind a Master or a Servant?

Mindfulness. Most people have heard of it. But what exactly is it and why would you ever want it?

The image people usually associate with mindfulness is someone sitting off by themselves, shut off to the world, blissfully enjoying a mind devoid of thoughts. Not only is that not true, but it’s actually impossible.

Our minds are “thought” generating machines. You can’t shut them down. But you can develop a practice of “not believing everything you think” and put your mind it in “its place” as servant, not master.

Occasionally our thoughts are original and generated from our own thinking. However, many thoughts tend to be sound bites we’ve overheard or had drummed into us as kids. They get adopted by default. Ever get upset and found yourself on auto pilot reciting verbatim what was said in your family when you were a child? Parents experience this when they hear their parent’s words coming out of their mouths, even after they’ve vowed to never do that to their own kids. Autopilot.

When we hear something over and over, whether in our head or from others, we get programed by this repetition to trust these thoughts and accept them as true. You know how you become used to something, like a new fashion trend or a song you initially didn’t like, after you’ve been exposed to it for a while? The more we repeat a thought, the more it becomes habitual and the more it sounds reasonable. And because we hear our thoughts in a familiar voice — usually our own — we begin to blindly (or mindlessly) trust the thought. Bad idea.

“The mind is the manifestations of thought, perception, emotion, determination, memory and imagination that takes place within the brain. Mind is often used to refer especially to the thought processes of reason.”¹

What mindfulness involves is the practice of observing one’s thoughts, feelings, and sensations without reacting to them. By not reacting I mean we don’t automatically launch into a behavior or action as a result of hearing the thought. We pause and consider whether in that present moment the thought we are having, particularly if it is a call to action, is appropriate.

I might be driving when someone abruptly cuts me off. I feel scared and angry. I have the thought, “that guy needs to be taught a lesson.” Probably a bad idea to act on that thought, but if I have no practice in considering the merits of my thoughts, I might get carried away by emotion and just react. What’s worse is I might even blame the other driver for my actions because they “made” me feel angry and then not take responsibility for my own choice to react.

Problem is that we routinely react to thoughts without even knowing what we are doing. You have a thought about needing to get gasoline for the car and before you know it your mind boards a “train” that takes you all over town picturing all the gas stations, wondering what the price is today and if you should only get $10 worth because it’s Friday and the price will probably go down on Sunday night.

It’s like there is a drop down menu that accompanies every thought and if you engage with that thought you will be presented with a myriad of related links that lead to even more links and your entire day can be hijacked by just that one thought.

So it’s not the “thinking” that’s problematic. It’s the hijacking of our attention and time with our accompanying auto-reaction to our thoughts that have us living in our heads (our imagination) and keep us from being present to what’s currently happening in our lives.

I liken this to sitting on the bank of a river and watching the water flow. Many things are being carried down the river but we don’t usually let our visual attention follow every leaf, twig or piece of debris. That would make us dizzy in the same way following every thought leads to overwhelm and anxiety.  

The practice of mindfulness helps with what we call “monkey mind.” This refers to the way monkeys chatter and move incessantly. Our mind, our thoughts, move like this, too. They never hold still!

The mind is meant to be our servant. It is supposed to respond to commands from us to think about something specific or generate ideas or solutions. Instead we have become the servant of our thoughts; jumping and reacting to every one. There is a great expression, “Don’t believe everything you think.” Thoughts, most of which are simply provided by what we hear in our environment, are simply spewed out by our brains. They are like random blips that don’t necessarily mean anything except to inform us of the nature of the inner dialogue we are constantly having with ourself.

And what is an “inner dialogue”? We all have them and, no, it doesn’t mean you have a personality disorder. Have you ever found yourself not able to get “that tune” out of your head? There are many conversations (often called “self talk”) we constantly have with ourself. If you pay attention and notice this background inner talk you’ll see it tends to be an undercurrent of negative comments incessantly badgering us. Not a very positive influence on our mood.

There are lots of good exercises on how to deal with monkey mind. Most techniques are quite doable and simply need practicing to generate a new awareness, less anxiety and less monkey mind. We will address this in an upcoming piece.

Reference:

1. The Difference Between Brain and Mind

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/drowning-in-toxic-thoughts-is-your-mind-a-master-or-a-servant/

You Can Help People Without Trying to ‘Fix’ Them

You can be helpful, without being a “fixer.”

If I had a title, it would be “The Fixer.” It’s why I write and coach, and it’s probably what most people would say if you asked them to describe me. Even my communication business had the motto, “Creative solutions to the world’s communication challenges.”

I prided myself in helping people solve their problems. Most of the time I could help. I even helped people solve their problems while I was in deep grief or anxiety myself. Even coaches have their moments of deep emotion. I’m human just like you, in addition to being a coach, mom, entrepreneur, and award-winning novelist.

Yet when I reached a certain age and career level, I started juggling too many plates in the air. I had to begin to pay more attention to myself than to others for a little while — or my physical body would fail. I had to create boundaries. I had to say no. I had to stop answering every cry for help. Recently, I had a setback, and I went about researching my fixing addiction.

Here’s what I learned about my desire to fix everything for everyone:

1. Lots of People Are in This Same Situation.

Fixing things for others is deep-rooted in society. You’re not alone! We call it service, or do unto others, or even love. It’s not a bad thing to help, serve or love. Most of the time, we help because we want to be liked and appreciated. We want to feel good about ourselves, and service has a high ROI. It’s just that it shouldn’t become our identity. We can’t be helping so much of the time we neglect ourselves.

2. We Can’t Make Everybody Happy.

Nor should we try. Keeping my family at peace was a role I took on in childhood, and it worked for me later, too. I was always the one people came to for warm, nonjudgmental advice. It served me in running a major international nonprofit’s publishing department because I was an excellent mediator and team builder.

Yet when I got older, I realized that no matter how many stories I wrote and published about the world’s plight, some people would take it in a way I’d not intended. And some would simply want to wallow in misery. If someone in our lives is depressed or abusive, and that’s all they’ve known, we should walk away.

3. We Can’t Fix the Whole World.

Maybe someday the world will be at peace. Yet until it is, we must accept that we don’t live in a perfect world, do our part, and then let the outcome go. We do as much by cultivating inner peace as world peace.

And if your fixes are falling on deaf ears, there may be some faulty intercultural communication, or it could be you just don’t have the right solution.

4. Fixers Can Be Downright Narcissistic.

Fixers can also have low self-esteem. Who are we to think we have all the answers? Who are we to think people will leave us if we don’t find every solution to their every problem? Who are we to think people need fixing? Who are we to think we can do everything all alone, all the time, without any help? (Youpreneurs, this last one’s for you!)

The Deeper Reason You Feel Pulled Toward a Relationship with a Narcissist

5. Fixing Is Not Helping or Healing.

In the end, it is only you that you’re responsible for fixing. Helping is not the same thing as fixing. Fixing is not the same thing as healing. Fixing leaves the world more disempowered, not empowered. You’re not responsible in any way for how someone uses your advice.

What’s more, you can’t fix those who don’t want your help, nor can you fix those who don’t. Because it’s not your job!

6. You Might Be Doing More Harm Than Good.

We are robbing people of lessons, if we help them too much. Being unhappy or dissatisfied some of the time is good for people. It helps them grow and learn how to help themselves. You’ve probably heard that urban fable about helping a butterfly out of its chrysalis only to kill it.

Instead think of this Chinese proverb as a more positive example of ways you can help: “You give a poor man a fish and you feed him for a day. You teach him to fish, and you give him an occupation that will feed him for a lifetime.”

7. Boundaries Are Smart.

For us. For our loved ones. For our work lives. They keep us from becoming codependent. They keep us true to ourselves.

Here are a few ways to create them with language:

• “Can you take on this extra work assignment and get it to me by end of day?” Say: “I’d love to help, but I’m working on [this] right now, and I expect it will take the rest of the work day.”
• “Would you like to come over for coffee now?” Respond with: “I’m busy right now. Perhaps some other time. What about [date]?” Or simply, “No thank you.”
• “Can I borrow some money?” Reply with: “I care about you, but I cannot keep you from experiencing tough times.”

3 Things People With Healthy Relationship Boundaries Do

“No” works with friends, family members, and even bosses. No arguments. No guilt. Just no, not at this time. Telemarketers, with their constant interruptions and requests, have taught me this phrase, and I practice often. (I mean, come on, they’re worse than toddlers in terms of high maintenance!)

Your brief response, including your body language, is crucial. People need to understand that you care, but that your answer is “no.” The important thing is to say “no” and mean it. Keep it simple, and rinse and repeat as many times as necessary.

So fixer, fix thyself. Usually, even if we stop fixing entirely, we still have friends. People don’t leave us. People who do were probably our friends for the wrong reasons. And those who stay don’t need fixing anyway.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Why You Need To Stop Trying To Fix Other Peoples’ Problems.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-can-help-people-without-trying-to-fix-them/

Do You Long to Belong?

As a career therapist, I have sat with clients of all ages who have expressed feeling like an outsider who doesn’t quite fit in, a square peg in a round hole, so different from others that they may have come from another planet. Some are adults, some children and teens and what they have in common is a longing to belong.

This sense of feeling like an “other” may have emerged from their family of origin, where they may have grown up as the only artist among athletes, the only introvert among social butterflies, or the only mechanic among PhDs. Being in lock step may have superseded unique talents. And, once they enter school, the expectation to conform may seem overwhelming.  

During sessions, some have shared a belief that other people have it all together. I laugh with them and relate a story from my own adolescence. Although I had friends in the various social circles (athletes, cheerleaders, student council, drama club, musicians, chess club — the only group I didn’t hang with were those referred to back then as “stoners”), I never felt like one of the “cool” or “popular” kids.

When were planning our 35th reunion, a Facebook group was created. I made a passing comment about that dynamic. A few people chimed in that they thought I was one of the cool kids who they admired and wanted to emulate. Imagine that. One of the guys even said he had a crush on me back then. When I laughingly inquired why he hadn’t told me that during my insecure adolescence, it was because he felt lacking, just like I did.

I also encourage my clients to visualize walking down the hall in school and seeing thought bubbles over the heads of the other kids. What would they see in them? They agreed that the chances were pretty good that they would reflect their own personal insecurities. I asked if they would feel more compassion toward themselves if they knew that everyone, even the most popular and lauded kids had some of the same self -doubts that they fell prey to; the others just covered better. They said it would be easier. Peel off the layers, and we all question our worth. Part of the human condition, I guess.

In the wake of the most recent tragic school shooting in Parkland, Florida, there have been suggestions that students should befriend those perceived as different, outcast, and weird. This was recommended to prevent someone who feels isolated or has been bullied from retaliating. I am all for inclusivity, reaching out to make new friends and certainly, refraining from harassing or ostracizing others; buoying up instead of bullying down. But there is a major downside to this strategy.

I read a statement recently, written by a young person who was being bullied. They expressed that after the Columbine shootings, when, along with similar peers, they were called in to speak with the administration as a potential at-risk kid, they felt singled out and even more weird. Others were encouraged to befriend them, which felt contrived and condescending. A powerful statement that this student made to the guidance counselor was that this treatment made them feel “like a school shooter in the making.”

“When we fail to teach kids about bullying, fail to intervene when necessary, fail to recognize a child in pain, we leave children being bullied with few options,” says MaryAnn Byrne, a certified Olweus Bullying Prevention trainer. “Some children will muddle through and grow up with a variety of issues including anxiety, depression, social phobia and so on. Some children turn on themselves. They become self-injurious, suicidal, substance abusers, drop out of school, society and sometimes life. Others become bullies.”

In working with child, teen and adult victims of bullying behaviors, I remind them that the best way to get back at the bullies is not to repeat their behaviors and thus become like them. There is a false sense of power when in the bullying position, rooted in unhappiness, but when someone feels genuinely empowered, the desire to put another down to elevate oneself, diminishes. Healing takes place.

How do we create a sense of belonging?

• Find people with whom you have interests in common.
• Volunteer in your community in spiritual or secular groups.
• See areas of similarity as well as diversity.
• Acknowledge what makes you unique and special, as opposed to “weird” by making a list of your talents and abilities.
• Identify a role model/mentor who presents as confident and is adept at making friends and learn what has worked for that person.

Attributional Retraining as a modality is championed by social psychologist and Stanford assistant professor Gregory Walton. He teaches people to reframe their self -deprecating, isolative thoughts of “It’s just me. I’m the only one going through this,” as a means of feeling a sense of belonging. Re-writing the narrative allows us to tell a new story about who we are and what place we occupy in the world.

Sadly, a young person with whom I worked saw himself through the eyes of those who were picking on him. He expressed feeling like the loser they told him he was. By using this technique, he was able to re-create himself, so that when he moved from elementary to middle school, he was able to engage in more fulfilling relationships, joined in various activities. According to him, and verified by his parents, he is now excelling in school and has many more friends. He is walking taller and feels he has posse around him.

Resources to help prevent bullying: visit Stop Bullying.gov or Bullying Education.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/do-you-long-to-belong/

Best of Our Blogs: March 27, 2018

It’s always the case that when the seasons begin to change and the warm weather starts to peak out, a part of me that’s been cooped up inside feels a surge of energy. I see it too in department stores-a lure to begin spring cleaning, change up our home decor, and a need to start something fresh.

I hate to say it, but it can be a little overwhelming.

New classes to take. New things to buy. New activities to do.

How do you stay focused? How do you know what to change and what to accept? I’m talking about external things, but internal too.

This week as you slowly begin contemplating the spring season, consider what’s most important. Are you actively grappling with the lack of intimacy in your relationship, bracing yourself for your next interaction with a narcissistic ex or coping with an anniversary of losing someone? If so, be kind to yourself.

While the change of seasons are exciting, remembering it’s okay to take things slow. Change doesn’t happen over night. Step by step, one emotion then another, and moment to the next moment, is how we get there.

The 5 Special Challenges of the Doubly Emotionally Neglected Couple
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – You love each other so why is there distance in your relationship? It’s the common experience you and your partner share that gets in the way of your emotional intimacy.

Divorcing a Narcissist
(The Recovery Expert) – If you’re considering ending a relationship with a narcissist, this is a must-read. Preparation, planning and reminders of why you’re doing it in the first place are vital as you get through this difficult process.

Rewards Can Reduce Cognitive ADHD Symptoms
(ADHD Millennial) – Research studies show there’s something you can do to improve performance, reduce, and sometimes eliminate the deficits associated with ADHD.

10 Strategies for Dealing with Your Narcissistic Ex
(The Exhausted Woman) – You’ve split up, but are still dealing with the aftermaths of breaking up with a narcissist. You need this.

Losing A Child: Today He Would Have Turned 22
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – What do you say to someone grieving over the loss of a child? Maybe it’s not what you say, but your ability to be there fully with compassion, acknowledgement, validation, and understanding.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-march-27-2018/

Self-Compassion, or Unconditional Positive Regard?

The act of intentionally extending compassion to yourself might seem counterintuitive, selfish, artificial, or just plain weird. This is where the concept of unconditional positive regard comes in handy.

Tags: in practice, person-centred, therapy

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life https://counsellingresource.com/features/2018/03/27/self-compassion/

​Which Type of Digital Parent Are You?

Living in a digital world has changed many aspects of our lives -including the kind of arguments we have with our kids. In days gone by, parents and kids used to argue over chores, curfews and academic performance. Nowadays some of the biggest parenting battles we have are over screen time — how much access to tech should kids have, what should they be doing online and why buying your kid a Wii instead of an Xbox One X or PS4 is a parenting fail.

Like it or not the digital world is a major part of our kids’ lives. According to a 2015 study conducted by Pew Research Center, 92% of teen internet users access online content daily, spending up to nearly 200 minutes online every day! That explains why so many young people have their faces stuck on various screens these days and why social media has such a huge impact on them.

While most parents agree that they need to play an active role in directing their children’s online lives, their approaches differ greatly. Alexandra Samuel, researcher and author of Work Smarter with Social Media, has mapped out 3 distinct digital parenting styles based on data gathered from more than 10,000 North American Parents. She suggests these three types of digital parents: limiters, enablers and mentors.

1. The Limiters

Limiter parents prefer to bring up their kids offline as much as possible and they do their best to limit their screen time. An overwhelming majority of parents practicing this parenting style prefer not to research on new tech, programs and apps to share with their children and they rarely talk with their kids about tech. They also don’t put any effort into investing in their kids’ tech skills.

As a result of being kept out of the digital world, their kids become digital exiles. They lack the knowledge, skills and etiquette to become responsible digital citizens and are unprepared for what the internet holds. In her study, Samuel found that such children are highly likely to develop problematic online behavior including cyberbullying, accessing pornography, impersonating adults online (including their parents) and even engaging in online chats and email exchanges with strangers.

2. The Enablers

Digital limiters and digital enablers are on opposite sides of the digital parenting spectrum. Where limiters place strict controls on their kids’ screen time, enablers place none. They take a relaxed laissez-faire approach to the digital world. While they do recognize that the internet and tech are a huge part of their children’s online lives, they rarely provide guidance in exploring this world. They trust their kids to make their own choices online and leave them to their own accord.

Samuel discovered that nearly 50% of parents with kids’ in high school take the enabler approach. You can imagine what havoc unsupervised teens can get into online and according to Samuel’s study, these kids have the highest likelihood of engaging with strangers online either through chat or email. Other studies have also linked unfettered screen time to teen depression and suicidal behavior.

3. The Mentors

Digital mentors are those who have found a happy middle ground between being digital limiters or enablers. These parents realize the importance of the online world and do their best to mold their kids into responsible digital citizens. Digital mentors are proactive parents who not only enjoy spending time with their kids online but also actively cultivate their children’s digital skills by enrolling them in various tech classes, workshops or camps. They also make a point of researching specific apps, programs or devices so they can understand what they’re all about before introducing them to their kids. Instead of approaching tech and the internet with fear, they choose to make informed decisions.

This parenting approach produces kids who are digital savvy, hence less likely to run into any trouble once they get online. Thanks to their parents’ wisdom and guidance, they have the resources and knowledge on how to use digital tools and how to conduct themselves online.

As a parent, the approach you choose influences the direction your children’s online lives will take. So if you want to rest easy knowing your kids can handle themselves online, choose to guide and mentor them.

References:

Lenhart, A. (April 9, 2015). Teens, Social Media & Technology Overview 2015. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2015/04/09/teens-social-media-technology-2015/

Average daily time spent online via mobile by internet users in North America as of 1st quarter 2015, by age group (in minutes). Retrieved from https://www.statista.com/statistics/433849/daily-time-spent-online-mobile-age-north-america/

SOCIAL MEDIA’S IMPACT ON SELF-ESTEEM & IT’S EFFECTS ON TEENS TODAY – INFOGRAPHIC. Retrieved from https://www.sundancecanyonacademy.com/social-medias-impact-on-self-esteem-its-effects-on-teens-today-infographic/

Samuel, A. (November 12, 2015). What kind of digital parent are you? Retrieved from http://www.alexandrasamuel.com/parenting/what-kind-of-digital-parent-are-you

Digital citizenship: teens being responsible online. Retrieved from http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/digital_citizenship.html

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/%e2%80%8bwhich-type-of-digital-parent-are-you/

The Psychology of Dealing with an Unplanned Pregnancy

Working as an OB/GYN consultant for over two decades, has meant that I have met with all sorts of women, from different walks of life, for whom their pregnancies meant different things. I have seen planned pregnancies, which went perfectly according to plan, unplanned pregnancies, that have been huge game-changers, but also as a fetal medicine specialist, I have seen planned pregnancies, that sadly didn’t go according to the perfect plan.

Additionally, these days because of contraception and careers, women are far more likely to try to time the entrance of a little one into their life, to suit other aspects of their lives. However unplanned pregnancies happen all the time, so being better equipped to deal with this situation psychologically, will hopefully help you to make the best decision for the rest of your life.

Accept that you are in shock.

If you have just discovered that you are pregnant, and you hadn’t consciously planned it, then you need to accept that you are in shock, with feelings ranging from being thrilled and delirious to being negative and confused. This is a phase that you should try to accept, and then wait for the most intense emotions that have surfaced due to subside, after a few days.

Be honest about your own feelings.

Allow yourself to experience the rollercoaster of feelings, accepting them and letting them come and go, as they will. Be aware of feelings that trigger actual physical reactions in you, pay special attention to those ones. Write down these emotions in a private notebook, so that after a few days or so, you can reference them and feel which are now true and which seem less important.

Trust your gut feelings.

Although it may be challenging, try to put aside outside issues, such as a job, education and family opinions, and tune into whatever is in your gut — your gut feeling. Write this down privately also.

If you are in a committed relationship, there may be conflicts about your news. Do remember that your partner is most likely in shock also, so be sure to give everything a little bit of time to settle down.

Every time a strong gut feeling arises, focus on it, be truthful with yourself and if possible, write it down.

Visions of life

Everyone has visions of how their life would be if they could attain the best; a life that they feel is close to perfection. Don’t be afraid of evaluating these visions also, but also know that not everyone accomplishes their perfect vision of life. When you’re ready talk to your partner about his/her visions also, and see if you have some middle ground or not.

Face your fears.

Even women who have planned pregnancies in what appears to be the perfect situation, in terms of health, relationship and money, go through fears of not being a good enough Mom. On top of that, other fears, which are normal, are what if your child has a birth defect or you feel overwhelmed by the prospect of giving birth.

Remember that we can’t control all aspects of our lives, and as you move through this process, be honest about what your gut feeling is really telling you: this is your true, personal psychology for dealing with your unplanned pregnancy.

Try visualization.

Visualization is a very helpful tool for many life situations. Visualize yourself in your home with your new baby — how does that feel? Visualize yourself walking to your local shop or café with your baby in her pram. Visualize whatever seems natural to you, this should trigger more true gut feelings.

Seek non-judgemental support.

Talk to those around you whom you know to be non-judgemental, supportive and balanced. This type of support is so important.

Be honest about your own family background.

If you have had a happy childhood, it may be easier for you to accept this surprise into your life. Yet psychologically, if you have not had such an easy childhood, and your gut tells you that you would love to be a Mom, then seeking support and perhaps, counseling will help you step into this role and embrace it, which could be very healing for you.

Seek professional help.

Once you feel you have had time to go through some of this process, then it may help to clarify all of the feelings that you have been dealing with, if you speak to a non-judgemental professional, who is also going to be a neutral person in your life.

Dealing with self-doubts

Even after all of this, you may still have some nagging self-doubts. Psychologically, depending on your support network, these may be stronger and more difficult to cope with. Remember that no parent is perfect, if that is the route you decide to choose, and there is no perfect time. Raise these self-doubts with the professional you choose to attend and deal with them honestly. That way you will know if they have any real foundation or not.

Pregnancy is a very personal experience.

Whether planned or unplanned, pregnancy is a very personal experience. Trust that you have psychologically and truthfully assessed your own unique situation.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-psychology-of-dealing-with-an-unplanned-pregnancy/