How to Be the Man Your Partner Deserves

I absolutely love music, a good song can really bring a different side of me out. The other day I was driving in my car and the singer Ne-Yo’s new song came on and I was feeling it. The title of the song is called “Good Man” and basically he sings about what a guy should do in his relationship in order to be a “Good Man.” He is really helping out all the fellas with this one. It’s a great song and many women will be thanking him for releasing it. As someone who works with couples and helps them resolve conflicts the song inspired me to write a blog post about it. Just in case some of my fellow men didn’t totally understand what Ne-Yo was singing about, here are some tips on how to be a “Good Man” to your significant other.

Make Her a Priority

This is easier thank you think. Making her a priority doesn’t mean you have to drop everything, submit your life and every waking moment to her. But you do need to make her #1. It’s the small things, like picking up her call instead of calling her back. Or replying to a text as soon as you get it, instead of waiting 15 minutes. If you are getting off of work late, let her know and send updates. If your children interrupt your conversation, let them know you are talking to mommy. You will talk to them when the two of you finish your conversation.

No woman ever wants to be on the bottom of list in her man’s life and she shouldn’t. As a man it’s your job to make her feel and know that no one comes before her.

Admit You Are Not Perfect

Let’s face it, you will make mistakes, you probably made a couple mistakes today! But guess what? It’s okay. No one is perfect. Admit when you are wrong, take accountability for your actions and learn from your mistakes. When working with couples, one of the most common complaints women have of their husbands is no sort of accountability of their wrong doing. It’s described as frustrating and neglectful of their feelings. Once you begin to acknowledge your mistakes, and learn from them this will allow the two of you to grow and she will be appreciative of it.

Compliment Her

This is probably the easiest of all — just compliment her. Why should she have to ask you how she looks in her outfit? Be proactive, take the initiative and let her know she looks incredible today. You can add a little flirting and some displays of affection to the mix as well. Also, you do not only have to give her compliments on her looks. You can compliment her on her intellect, parenting skills, or anything else she does exceptionally well. Just make sure you compliment her everyday; she will adore you for it. Trust me!

Make Love

Some guys may think they got this one in the bag. I beg to differ. Are you really tending to your woman’s needs? Do you know what she likes? Or what you like? For the most part men are physical and women emotional, so satisfying her comes well before foreplay begins. Combine satisfying her physical needs along with her emotional needs and you might enter another realm. If you go back to the first tip and make her a priority, combine that with the third tip of taking the initiative and complimenting her and mix that with knowing what turns her on sexually. Before you know it you are in business.

Do Not Embarrass Her

When I was younger, my father would tell me not to embarrass him. He would say, “I gave you your name (last name) and you need to carry it with respect, do not ruin it (our last name).” I feel it’s the same thing with your wife or soon to be wife. If she carries your name or is about to, you shouldn’t do anything to embarrass her. Like it or not what you do is a reflection on her. She should be able to trust you whenever and wherever. Showing her respect when she’s not around is as important as when she is around.

Have a Plan

Last but certainly not least is: “Have a Plan.” There is an African Proverb that says “For tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today.” If the two of you intend on spending the rest of your life together you need a plan. You need to let her feel safe; she needs a sense of security. She needs to know that everything is going to be alright.

Also, this helps us out, men. I dislike it when I hear a guy say, “she never supports me in what I do.” Of course she’s not going to support you if you DON’T HAVE A PLAN. Developing a plan shows her you have goals to reach your dreams and aspirations. I guarantee, if you have a well thought out plan. she will be much more supportive towards your goals for your future and your family. A goal without a plan is just a wish. If you lack in this area too long, you may be wishing you didn’t mess things up.

Hopefully these tips are helpful to the men out there. It’s easier than you think to be a “Good Man.” Just be consistent with these tips and you will be in good shape. You can catch Ne-Yo’s song by clicking here. If you have any additional tips leave a comment or tag me on instagram @feelpositivelygood and twitter @MichaelBTherapy. I leave you with this, if you want to be treated as a KING you must first tend to your QUEEN.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-be-the-man-your-partner-deserves/

The Power of the Pause: Saying “YES” to Now

It’s ironic that most of us crave a break and yet refuse to take one. It goes without saying that most of us pine for a week off work or away from the kids, vacation-style — those really take some planning and doing. But we refuse to give ourselves the doable, daily vacations — renewing pauses throughout the day.

In the all-or-nothing, Go Big or Go Home culture that surrounds us, many of us find ourselves held hostage to the idea that we should focus on getting substantial quantities of everything and that anything less is a meaningless drop in the bucket with no value added. If we only have 20 minutes to walk on the treadmill instead of go to an hour long workout class, we say “screw it” and do something else that’s a “better” use of the time. If we can’t find a healthy, lite menu choice at the restaurant our friend picked, we call it a day and just get the loaded nachos. If we can’t get a much needed weeklong vacation or an hour for yoga, we just hunker down at work, snack on garbage, and veg in front of the TV at the end of the day. This black-or-white/all-or-nothing thinking is really huge disservice to our wellbeing and in the go-go-go context of our world the Power of the Pause becomes infinitely more important.

Pausing – the deliberate and mindful decision to refrain from action—is not really in our human nature. Our critter selves are wired to go forward. No squirrel ever had a good winter from pausing in collecting of berries and nuts; no predator ever successfully hunted meat by not pouncing; and no human ever got a promotion at work or their kids’ lunch packed by lounging on the couch.

Two important ways that learning to pause can improve your life

1. When you learn to pause, you are giving yourself the opportunity to more fully appreciate and maximize opportunities that do not at first glance appear valuable.

 

 

If we slow down and think about it, we all know that 20 minutes of exercise is substantially more beneficial than no minutes of exercise. Yet somehow, when we’re running late at the end of the day and somehow our gym time has been whittled down from 60 minutes to 30, we’re highly likely to just keep driving on home past the gym. There are a million examples of this relativity that come up in our daily lives, but when we’re moving too fast we default to the all-or-nothing thinking that obscures these important grey areas. Our automatic thinking just jumps right to the “not worth it” thinking pattern. And then we miss out.

If we can learn to insert a pause when automatic thoughts such as “I’ll only have 20 minutes to work out at this point, I might as well go home” pop into our heads, we can then make a different choice that serves us better.

2. When you learn to pause, you are giving yourself the opportunity to experience your precious life

Pausing gives us an opportunity to make sure we are in the moment we in, enjoying and experiencing it to the max. How often do we get to the bottom of a popcorn container in a movie and think, holy cow, who ate all that popcorn? We consumed it without experiencing it because we weren’t paying attention to what we were doing, and we got all of the calories and none of the joy as we mindlessly tossed it into our mouths.

 

 

Pausing is a meaningful way to make sure we are experiencing our experiences . . . tasting the popcorn, so to speak. Practice inserting pauses – even just sixty seconds—into your activities, to check in and make sure your attention is on what you are doing and that you’re experiencing it fully. Otherwise, what’s the point? If we’re not experiencing the pleasure of a $5 coffee, we might as well go get the $.99 sludge from a gas station and save ourselves a bundle. If we’re going to spend our entire time with our families taking pictures and posting them, we might as well just be an onlooker and not a participant.

Pausing will plug you into your life and help you have memorable experiences instead of forgettable consumption. It will help you recognize opportunities that you might otherwise blow by in the whirl of your daily life. Pausing will open space for you to experience the extraordinary already available to you in the seemingly ordinary and routine. Pausing will help you live your life to the fullest, instead of the fastest.  

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-power-of-the-pause-saying-yes-to-now/

Ep 7: What do our Families Think of us Being so Open About Living With Mental Illness?

 

On this episode, we welcome guest Vincent M. Wales from The Psych Central Show podcast! Gabe and Michelle first talk about what their families think of the podcast, so far.

Gabe’s 80-year-old grandmother shares her thoughts the show, while Michelle’s Jewish mother has concerns about Gabe. But what would Michelle’s grandmother Blanche think? Vincent shares his stories of editing the show. He also shares some hilarious outtake stories.

Gabe, Michelle, and Vincent are enjoying being in Chicago and are so glad they got to do this recording together.

 

Subscribe to Our Show:
And Please Share & Review!

 

“Dinner and a show…no hanky panky.” ~ Michelle Hammer

Highlights From ‘Open About Mental Illness’ Episode

[4:20] Gabe and Michelle decide to discuss what their families think of the show.

[7:40] Gabe shares his 80-year-old grandmother’s comments on his story about strippers from the first episode.

[9:20] Michelle talks about what her “wild” grandmother Blanche would think of this podcast.

[12:55] Gabe is still mad that his mom yelled at him for something he did at Christmas in 1991.

[17:30]  Vincent shares his opinion of the podcast.

[20:00]  Vincent talks about editing the podcast and the feedback be gives us on each episode.

[26:00] Gabe gets caught saying something stigmatizing.

 

Meet The Hosts of #BSPodcast

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

 

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May, 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit schizophrenic.NYC.

..

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/ep-7-what-do-our-families-think-of-us-being-so-open-about-living-with-mental-illness/

When Do You Discuss Mental Illness During Dating?

Dating is tough.

It’s hard to find someone you click with, but it is even harder when you have an illness. A mental illness.

And online dating? Well, that brings up its own set of difficulties because when you meet someone online you aren’t really talking to them.

They are not able to see you or your personality. And I am not my illness. It is a part of me, but there is a whole lot more to me as a person.

So, how and when do you talk about your mental illness: before the first date or after your second? Perhaps you even wait for a third? Well, it depends.

But me? I tend to bring it up in the first conversation.

I don’t like to hide things and I like everything to be out in the open.

I know my approach is not for everyone. It can be scary and intimidating to a lot of people. But as someone that is very open and honest about my illness, I feel it is imperative to bring it up right away.

I am an advocate; in fact, my dating profiles mention I am an advocate.

But still it can be a tough subject to bring up. I really can’t just blurt it out from nowhere.

What part of the conversation you have gives an opening to bring this sort of thing up?

Of course, I don’t get a lot of answers back after mentioning it, especially when I explain that I have bipolar disorder, an anxiety disorder, and depression. I am dead in the water most of the time. I don’t get a whole lot of first dates.

So, how do you bring up your mental illness? When do you bring up your mental illness? On day one.

In the first conversation because if they can’t deal with it then they can’t deal with me — and why should I waste my time?

That said, some would argue you need to get to know the person first, and they need to get to know you, and I agree with part of that – at least to an extent.

You do need to know the person first but hiding your illness can make things worse in the long run.

They may think, “What else is he hiding or lying about?”

Besides, do you want to be left at the bar or table when they “go to the bathroom” after learning about it?

Make no mistake: some individuals are more understanding than others.

They “get it” or “totally understand” because they know someone with a mental illness.

Because they’ve dated someone else with a mental illness, and maybe they do.

But I’ve noticed that when I mention my bipolar disorder things change. The conversation changes, and that is because the very mention of bipolar brings up a whole host of stigmas.

Am I “bad” or crazy or violent? Am I going to hurt someone – especially them?

The answer is no.

My lows normally mean isolation, so having someone normally helps that. And my highs mean I want to go out and can be hyper sexual with a lot of PDA.

But violent? Violence is something that most with bipolar never exhibit (Not that it doesn’t happen, but statistics show that it is unlikely to happen).

More often you are going to deal with isolation on lows and sometimes highs.

So, when do you bring up your mental illness? How do you bring up your mental illness?

That is the question.

That is my dilemma.

This post courtesy of Mental Health America.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-do-you-discuss-mental-illness-during-dating/

​Helping Teens Identify and Avoid Cyberbullying

Mallory Grossman was in sixth grade when she began to receive the texts and Snapchat messages. “You are a loser, no one likes you,” some said. Others claimed that she had no friends. Some told her that she should kill herself. It would come to be a tragically prolific taunt as after months of the torment, the 12-year-old girl took her own life.

Her parents, who had spent those months making complaints to the school and talking to the parents of the four bullies, are now suing Copeland Middle School in Rockaway, New Jersey. They allege that educators and administrators did nothing to address the problem, even when it became evident that it was causing severe problems with Mallory and her school life.

As tragic as Mallory’s story is to parents everywhere, her story is not an isolated incident. In fact, cyberbullying is becoming more prevalent as technology makes everyone more accessible.

The Rising Menace of Teen Cyberbullying

In 2017, Florida Atlantic University did a comprehensive study on nationwide bullying figured among teenagers. One of the alarming figures they found was that 70% of participants had experienced someone spreading a rumor about them online.

Bullying has always been a problem young people have faced, some of a severe enough degree that it requires significant interaction to address. Lately, the topic has been especially prevalent as public shootings continue to make headlines across the US.

But cyberbullying is not like other kinds of bullying. The digital age has given access to victims no matter where they are. Where once a child could find solace at home from tormentors, now they are right there, in their pocket at all times. Perhaps this lack of respite could partially explain why the teen suicide rate has increased in recent years, a trend that has followed the uptick in cyberbullying.

Combat Cyberbullying: Arm Teens with Knowledge

There is no easy way around this problem, nor can we protect our kids all the time from the risks in digital media. Cyberbullying is here to stay, regardless of how many campaigns we run to spread awareness. Because it isn’t about warning parents about the prevalence of the issue — for the most part, we are quite aware.

We should be focusing on attacking the problem where it resides — in our teens. By encouraging them to look out for signs of cyberbullying and what to do to stop it, we can help to eliminate one of the most prominent social issues facing our teenagers today.

How Your Teen Can Identify Cyberbullying

Not every kind of cyberbullying will be as blatant as Mallory’s cyberbullies acted. Be sure to teach your teen to look for the following cyberbullying signs:

• Anxiety when receiving a message
• Anger when receiving a message
• Signs of depression
• Rumors spreading via online or through apps
• Personal information being spread via online or through apps
• Bullying in person, which may then carry online

What to Do About Bullying

The best way to avoid cyberbullying is to encourage your teenager to be open with you. Ask them to let you know if any online abuse is going on. Tell them that they can talk to you about anything. If they come to you about cyberbullying happening to someone else, address the issue together. That may include alerting the school and the parents of the victim about what is going on and who the culprit is if they are known.

Be clear with your teen about the seriousness of cyberbullying. Some teens feel it isn’t as bad as physical or face-to-face bullying and so might not take as many steps to report it. They should know about the high number of cases where this type of behavior has led to self-harm and/or suicide.

Finally, you have to be vigilant. Though we aren’t able to be there to shield our children from every risk and hurt in the world, this is one area where we can do our best to be involved. Make sure you know the apps and websites your teen uses. Know their passwords and don’t allow locks on their phones which can keep you out.

When we treat cyberbullying with the care and attention it deserves, we can begin to finally put an end to it.

Resources

Rosenblat, Kalhan, Cyberbullying Tragedy: New Jersey Family to Sue After 12-Year-Old Daughter’s Suicide. Retrieved on 04/18/2018 from https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/new-jersey-family-sue-school-district-after-12-year-old-n788506

Florida Atlantic University, Nationwide teen bullying and cyberbullying study reveals significant issues impacting youth. Retrieved on 04/18/2018 from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/02/170221102036.htm

Liahona Academy, The Reality of Teen Depression. Retrieved on 04/18/2018 from http://www.liahonaacademy.com/the-reality-of-teen-depression-infographic.html

Hartwell-Walker, Marie, Cyberbullying and Teen Suicide. Retrieved on 04/18/2018 from https://psychcentral.com/lib/cyberbullying-and-teen-suicide/

Handler, Suzanne, 10 Ways Parents Can Help Prevent Cyberbullying. Retrieved on 04/18/2018 from https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-ways-parents-can-help-prevent-cyberbullying/

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/%e2%80%8bhelping-teens-identify-and-avoid-cyberbullying/

How to Really Rest

It seems silly to write an article about rest. After all, rest is kind of like breathing: It’s automatic. Or rest is like brushing your teeth: It’s something we naturally do every day, several times a day. But for many people rest isn’t part of their lives, at least not regularly, or at least not genuine rest. Many of us are too focused on striving and never stopping. Because, we think, to stop is to quit. Because, we think, to stop is to be lazy.

So, we wait to rest until we’re so exhausted we can’t get up.

Many of us find it hard to rest because we’re perfectionists or we fear failure (or both), according to Kelly Vincent, PsyD, a registered psychological assistant who works with young adults, women, professionals and athletes in Lafayette, Calif. “Even though we may not recognize it as perfectionism, at times we are desperately trying so hard to be perfect by doing, accomplishing, and achieving everything we set our minds to.”

We worry that if we rest, our lives will spin out of control, she said.

We also might feel uncomfortable. It’s common for boredom to arise when we try to rest. And beneath this boredom reside “more difficult feelings like loneliness, anger, or feeling trapped,” said Panthea Saidipour, LCSW, a Manhattan psychotherapist who works with young professionals in their 20s and 30s who want to gain a deeper understanding of themselves.

We might be afraid to rest because doing so will just set us back. After resting, we’ll have to work that much faster and that much harder and that much more to make up for the time our tasks went undone. So we wonder, what’s the point?

We might yearn to rest, but our minds are too busy racing, reviewing all the responsibilities that are piling up and spilling over into other days and weeks.

We might even be confused about what rest really is, said Sarah McLaughlin, MFT, a licensed psychotherapist and certified yoga teacher in San Francisco, who works with women who struggle with anxiety and feelings of not good enough-ness.

Many of us think using our phones is resting. After all, we’re sitting and scrolling or playing games. We’re not doing anything else. However, it’s actually exhausting. “We are absorbing the sensory input and our brain is quickly trying to process it all,” Vincent said. And we might start unconsciously comparing ourselves and experiencing negative feelings like envy, jealousy and anger, she said.

We also think we’ll get our rest when we sleep. “But even sleeping isn’t restful for the person who can’t rest when they’re awake,” McLaughlin said. “If the brain is in a constant stress-state during awake hours then, in many cases, it is losing or has lost connective pathways that tell it to decrease or stop the stress response.” For instance, the stress hormone cortisol may be released during sleep.

McLaughlin defined rest as ceasing work and worry, as “being, rather than doing.” “The whole system—mind-body—is engaged in a restful state and we are present in that experience of resting,” which she calls “restful awareness.” (It’s not rest when the body is still but the mind is ruminating, she said.)

Saidipour views rest as “shifting from what’s external to what’s internal and making time and space for our inner selves, our minds, and our creativity.” That is, we might daydream or self-reflect, she said.

Below are ideas on how you can really rest.

Search beneath the surface. Saidipour stressed the importance of getting curious about why you’re not resting, about the thoughts and feelings that are driving your need to stay busy. Maybe by staying busy, you’re trying to protect yourself from certain feelings.

She also suggested exploring these questions: If I weren’t so busy, would I feel like a failure? Would I fear losing others’ approval? Would I fear becoming hopelessly stuck?

Understand the power of rest. So many people are in a constant state of stress. In fact, McLaughlin noted that 70 percent of doctors’ visits are due to stress-related health issues. “Rest is the only way to engage the part of our nervous system that allows for relaxation.” It is literally vital for our physical and mental health.

Rest also helps us show up for others (and for our lives). It “benefit[s] everything we touch and do for the rest of the day. We need to start valuing taking care of ourselves as much as we value accomplishing tasks,” McLaughlin said.

Rethink the narrative. This won’t happen overnight, but it’s important to chip away at the narrative that resting is failing. “Most people tend to attach their successes to their worth, value, and identity,” Vincent said. “We need to reframe and shift the narrative to a more realistic view, such as, ‘[I]f this task does not get done today, it does not mean I have failed. It just means that we will get to it tomorrow.’”

Practice acceptance. Remind yourself regularly that you’re not a robot, and you can’t do everything at once. Some tasks simply won’t get done. Practicing acceptance—accepting things as they are—can help you to temper your stress, and give yourself the mental space to rest. Vincent suggested reminding ourselves: “I did not expect this, but I accept it.”

Be intentional. As you’re about to rest, McLaughlin suggested saying to yourself, “I am going to rest now,” and asking: “Is my mind at rest? Am I truly allowing myself to ‘be’ instead of ‘do’?” She also suggested taking several deep, long, slow breaths. “Really focus on the breathing and connect both your mind and body in this present moment of restful awareness.”

Take in your surroundings. Vincent shared this example: Spend 5 minutes sitting on a bench. Notice the sun on your skin. Notice the colors around you. Notice the sounds. Notice how the bench feels. “Allow yourself to be completely present in the here and now.” 

Focus on yourself. When figuring out how you’d like to rest, focus on what grounds you, helps you feel most alive and connects you to yourself, Saidipour said. This will be different for everyone. For one person, cooking is a meditative practice; for someone else it’s misery. You might find these activities restful (or not): journaling; drawing; sipping coffee while watching the sunrise; practicing yoga; sitting on the beach.

As Saidipour said, “What helps you shift from absorbing external stimuli to tuning into your own body, thoughts, and feelings?”

Many of us have forgotten how to truly rest. We have developed negative narratives about what it means. We’ve replaced real rest with superficial, stimulating activities like scrolling through social media and playing games on our smartphones.

Thankfully, however, we can relearn to rest fully and wholeheartedly. Maybe you’ll even consider practicing today. Or right now.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-really-rest/

OCD and the Tortures of Scrupulosity

Catholicism, OCD, and puberty often make a disturbing mix. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can lead to a pathological degree of moral fastidiousness, or scrupulosity, often based on the fear of committing a mortal sin. At the same time, the developmental stage known as puberty unleashes a storm of biological turmoil at odds with the concept of self-restraint.

Stricken with the curse of OCD as a teenager, I also suffered from scrupulosity; in my case, it took the form of primitive self-control. Reared as a Catholic, I was taught to understand that it was a sin to enjoy impure thoughts; however, my rebellious body had secular ideas. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, impure thoughts are related to “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage…” Needless to say, the practice of masturbation was considered forbidden.

I recall that one priest informed me (during a confessional visit) that “impure thoughts” could be forgiven, if rooted in reluctant habits or uncontrollable desires. But such liberal interpretations of scripture clashed with the Church’s official theological doctrine. Most of my Catechism and CCD teachers insisted that natural sex cravings, if willingly engaged in — were indeed shameful.

Not surprisingly, tons of data can be found on the notorious relationship between scrupulosity and OCD; a frequent topic of the psychological literature. Stringent moral rectitude and ritualistic behavior can be heart-breaking in their mutual collision. My own solution, as it turned out, was to gradually break away from the faith entirely.

Since the election of Pope Francis, there seems a growing semblance of gentler views on God’s eternal judgement. The Church has recently cushioned some of its harder decrees on Hell, reciting the parable of the Prodigal Son. The latter teaches that all sins can be forgiven on the basis of penitence — even “imperfect” penitence, rooted in the terror of eternal damnation. God is merciful. He doesn’t toss people willy-nilly into the Great Abyss; rather, it’s the human soul that chooses a deliberate path from God into darkness.

My own treatment, during my acute teenage phase, was to postpone all fears of Hell until the next morning, so that I could tackle the issues of mortal sin in a more refreshed state. A good night’s sleep often calmed my preoccupations with the possibilities that sinful thoughts could threaten my position in a future afterlife. (Bedtime tranquilizers — prescribed in the eighth grade — also helped to shutter my mind in pursuit of this solution.) After a long period, the obsessions faded into the background of normal teenage noise.

A personal brush with guilt-ridden obsessions at an early age can instill in the mind an “immune response” to the indoctrination of fear. The mental vaccination that results from needless hours of suffering — when followed by enlightenment — can lead to a greater sense of freedom and optimism.

For the faith-seeker with OCD, the spiritual battle should not be a zero-sum game. The ultimate “cure” for scrupulosity shouldn’t lie in the renunciation of one’s religion, or in a personal doctrine of indifference. Such tactics represent a compromise solution.

The condition of OCD, itself, must take on the lion’s share of the blame. But the risk of scrupulosity is amplified in a culture of religious shame. I believe it’s destructive to characterize a primal surge of life — the libido — as a reason for endless guilt or despair. In the face of such ecclesiastical mental intolerance, it makes sense to seek a better solution than a zero-sum compromise. Especially for those with OCD and scrupulosity.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/ocd-and-the-tortures-of-scrupulosity/

New Ways to Reconnect with Your Teen & Why They Need You More Than Ever

There’s an intense debate swirling around us as to the state of teenage-dom in the today’s world. Is bullying an old thing that’s getting new attention? Or is it quantitatively or qualitatively worse? Are kids less resilient than ever before, or are the pressures just that much greater? Are they meaner to one another? Or is cruelty just more visible than it was before?

There could be some truth to all of this, or none of it, or some of it. Regardless, it seems pretty clear that the teen years are at least as tough as they always were, and more complicated to boot. One thing that is definitely different for today’s teens is the degree to which they are interconnected by social media. And that means that whatever is going on is harder to get away from. It used to be if something embarrassing happened at school, you could get clear when the bell rang at 3 and by the next day the new drama du jour would take precedence. Now, the horrors of the day are kept alive indefinitely by retweets, shares, likes, dislikes, and every other mechanism of social media longevity. Events — the good, the bad, and the ugly — are broadcast far and wide and spread like wildfire.

More than ever, teens need safe spaces. They don’t know enough to create safety for themselves by unplugging from that which is causing them distress. The allure of monitoring social media interactions (even when it’s a thorn in the side) lures teens into staying wired in to a medium that may very well be causing them deep pain, like being unable to look away from a train wreck.

Five Ways to Reconnect with Your Teen

1. Spend some quality time with your teen on his/her terms, and yours.

Treating your teen to something they love on their terms can be a great bridge and a way to create a safe and relaxing space. Suggest an outing on your time and dime, with the gentle caveat that you both will leave the phones in the car. Then you can both focus on each other, and even if your teen is – well, a distracted teen — they’ll know you care enough about focusing on them to leave your outside distractions behind as well.

2. Write your teen a real note or letter.

No, it doesn’t have to be 1,000 words or more. In fact, they probably won’t read it if it is. But taking the time to handwrite your teen a note reminding them that you are proud of them, that you love them, or that you’re always there for them really sends the message that you care enough to find a pen, paper, and envelope, when text is so much more convenient.

3. Surprise your teen with an experience you can share.

Teens are surrounded by a culture of material one-upmanship. Phones, fashions, cars, sports gear, scholarships, trips … there’s an arms race of stuff wherever they look. Help your teen reconnect with you and with some non-material goodness by digging in to free experiences that aren’t about things or about being passively entertained. Go hiking or fishing, visit a museum, or volunteer together.  

4. Engage about something beyond your teen’s immediate environment.

Use a short magazine or newspaper article to engage your teen on what he or she thinks about a world event or other important topic bigger than him/herself. Not as an opportunity to educate them, just as an opener to a meaningful dialogue about the world beyond their immediate concerns. Let them know you’re interested in what they think, genuinely, because you value him/her as a person and a global citizen.

5. Make sure you’re present when you’re with your teen.

If you are responding to texts or emails while your teen is talking to you, you are sending the message that they are not worthy of your undivided attention. Very few things are a sucking chest wound, and chances are, you can respond to that text in fifteen minutes just as well as you can right now. When you spend time with your teen, make sure your actions convey that you value your connection. When you are juggling your focus on your teen with umpteen other individuals who are trying to reach you, you are sending the message that they are just another ball up in the air of your busy day.

Your teen needs you more than ever. Even if nothing troubling is “going on” per se, you want your teen to feel connected enough to you that they will reach out if something does come up. By constantly tending to the connection on a regular basis, you are establishing important groundwork that will serve you well as a parent and your teen well as they mature and face new challenges.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/new-ways-to-reconnect-with-your-teen-why-they-need-you-more-than-ever/

Psychology Around the Net: April 28, 2018

Even if you’re not a cat person, it might benefit your mental health to adopt a feline mentality!

Along with the benefits of thinking like a cat, this week’s Psychology Around the Net takes a look at new studies regarding dark chocolate and mental health, the link between allergic conditions and mental illness, a mindfulness exercises for attitude reflection, and more.

How to Think Like a Cat, With Humorist Stéphane Garnier: The latest from The Upgrade (Lifehacker’s podcast) features Stephane Garnier, author of How to Think Like a Cat, and discusses why adopting a feline mentality can help us build self-confidence, trust our intuition, learn to say no, and more.

Dark Chocolate Consumption Reduces Stress and Inflammation: Rejoice! The findings from not one — but two — new studies show that eating dark chocolate can reduce stress and inflammation and improve your memory, mood, and immunity.

12 Hard Things You Need to Hear About Your Attitude: Take a few minutes to mindfully read these hard truths about your attitude and the explanations and ways you can adjust it, and then practice the attitude reflection exercise.

Common Allergic Conditions Linked to Mental Health: A new, large-scale study has uncovered a link between mental health and eczema, hay fever, and asthma–specifically, a link between these allergy conditions and an increased risk of developing mental illnesses.

Could Personality Tests One Day Replace Credit Scores? Tripp Rockwell of DNA Behavior thinks so, claiming we all have ingrained biases and looking at those instead of relying wholly on our credit reports could give lenders a better picture of where we stand with our finances.

5 Warning Signs of Workplace Burnout and What to Do about It: It’s common to experience some work-related stress from time to time, but when it gets to be too much you’re at risk for burnout which can affect not only your job performance and career but also your physical and mental health. Here are some warning signs you’re teetering on being more than just stressed and tips on how to handle it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-april-28-2018/

Tips for Talking to a Loved One Who Has Depression

These tips will help the conversation go smoothly.

With depression affecting approximately 9.5% of American adults in a given year, knowing how to help someone with depression is an important skill to have. But before you can help, you first need to the right way to talk with a friend or loved one whom you feel may be depressed.

Because the very nature of depression causes people to shut down and withdraw emotionally, it may be especially important that you reach out to them to talk about their depression, as they may be unable to ask for help.

First of all, there is nothing crazy, weak, bad, or wrong about experiencing depression. What some people don’t realize is that depression is one of nature’s primary ways of responding to stress.

A few ways this happens include:

• Under pressure, our autonomic nervous system is designed to generate a survival response of fight, flight, or freeze.
• During times of famine, our metabolism is designed to slow down and not burn too many calories to increase the likelihood that we survive.
• When injured, we instinctively know to get to an isolated place to “lick our wounds,” which increases our safety and gives our bodies a better chance to heal.

While our environments have changed, the wiring of our stress response has stayed the same. Being argumentative, withdrawing socially, staying in bed all day, overeating to ensure enough calories, are all subtle forms of the body’s instinct to fight, flee, or freeze in order to survive hardships, wounds, or pain.

5 Things My Therapist Didn’t Tell Me About Depression (That I Wish I Had Known)

There is a field of science called psychoimmunoneurology, which says that stress in the mind has a direct impact on the body. A familiar example of this is ulcers which can be a direct result of stress. Similarly, prolonged anxiety releases increased amounts of adrenaline and cortisol which over time can interfere with the brain’s natural chemical balance. Stress can be caused by external factors like losing a job or losing a loved one. Stress can also be caused by internal factors like low self-esteem or fear of not being able to pay the bills.

As people are increasingly under more and more pressure, it is natural that incidents of depression are increasing. The important thing to realize is there is a legitimate reason that people experience a state of depression even if the cause is unclear. Most often depression is situational and temporary; and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Our mood and biochemistry often changes when the external or internal pressures change.

If you have a loved one you think is depressed, here are five things to consider when preparing to talk with them about their depression.

1. Be Prepared to Listen Openly Without Judgment.

Because depression tends to be a natural result of experiencing pressure, hardship or pain, it may take courage for the person to open up to you and they may feel extremely vulnerable. Do whatever you can to help them feel safe in sharing. Be gentle. Ask questions to draw them out and be prepared that you may not always like or agree with what you hear. No matter what, do not judge. Remember that feelings are not wrong and feelings are not right. Feelings just are. Listening to them and acknowledging them as valid is the first step in helping the person heal.

2. Honor the Person’s Right to Feel Their Emotions Whatever They Are.

In trying to help, we may want to make negative feelings go away by dismissing them or telling the person they are wrong to feel as they do. Sometimes hearing another person’s distress may cause our own distress and it’s very natural to want to drive uncomfortable feelings away. However, if you inadvertently try to change someone’s feelings before they are ready to change, the person may simply argue their feelings that much stronger to try to make you understand them or clam up and stop talking because you’ve now proven that you don’t understand.

When it comes to handling feelings, the best way out is through. A simple statement like, “I don’t blame you for feeling that way,” can keep the dialogue flowing and help the person find relief.

3. Be Supportive and Affirming.

Because depression is the physiological response of how we interpret stress, it is important to recognize that the depressed person may have limited ability to use their full perspective. While the glass may be half full to you, the depressed person may only be able to see the part that is empty and what is obvious to you may be invisible to them.

Depressed people are often ones who set unrealistically high expectations for themselves. They may have an unreasonably low self-image defining themselves as lazy, worthless, or a failure in experiencing hardships or for not performing at their best. Remind them that being depressed does not mean they are defective or broken. Point out whatever you can to affirm your faith in them and give them a renewed sense of self-confidence and hope.

Quiz: Why Am I Feeling Depressed (& What Can I Do About It)?

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Safety-Related Questions.

Because depression runs a wide range from general low mood to suicide, it can be awkward to know what questions to ask and which ones to skip. The rule of thumb I use is, if it crosses your mind, ask about it.

Remember depression is a form of the flight instinct. In order to get away from pain, people may employ a variety of dangerous tactics from excessively using drugs or alcohol, to cutting themselves, starving themselves, running away from home, or the most extreme form of flight, suicide. If you are concerned that someone you love may be doing things that risk their safety or are having thoughts of harming themselves, ask them directly. If so, assist them in getting professional help. Even if they don’t want the help, you just may save their life.

5. Ask Them What You Can Do to Help.

People who are depressed often feel hopeless or feel inadequate for needing help, so they may not ask. Ask them if there is anything you can do to help them. Sometimes they may not know what they need but a large amount of the time they will. The needs of each person will be different but take seriously what they tell you and do what you can. While talking with a doctor or therapist is advisable and may be necessary, never underestimate the value of your own ability to also help another human being simply by listening, caring, and being willing to help them.

Talking with a loved one who may be depressed may feel uncomfortable, but because depression is natural, it is something that most of us will experience sometime during our lives. Fortunately, much of the time depression is temporary and even in the event that it is chronic, there are medications that can help. Studies show that changing our associations through talking can also change brain chemistry, so talking with someone you care about might be the thing that makes all the difference.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Talk To Someone You Love When They Are Depressed (So You Can Offer Support).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-for-talking-to-a-loved-one-who-has-depression/

Superheroes in Psychotherapy?

These days, it is hard to flip through the television or cable channel listings or search movie offerings without being bombarded by ads, coming attractions or trailers for something or other superhero. These men, women, earthlings, aliens and everything in between are everywhere; flying in and out of our consciousness, challenging us to be bigger, better and stronger. They are in many ways role models for strength, morality, virtuosity and humanity, while also being poster children for weakness, vulnerability and fragility… heroes with feet of clay.

As a matter of “fact,” superheroes, despite their unflagging heroism and unwavering commitment to the greater good, are typically misunderstood, marginalized and often persecuted by those they seek to protect. Superheroes notoriously come from broken homes, have complex and conflicted family of origin relationships or have suffered immeasurable childhood traumas. They are lonely, self-doubting and tormented figures, shadowy reflections of our own frailties and fallibilities.

The brutal childhood loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents, Superman’s dislocation from his home planet Krypton, the Thing’s exposure to mutagenic radiation and Wonder Woman’s quest to find her place among humanity are but a few metaphors for the struggles that are common to all of us, whether or not we change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel in our bare hands or save entire civilizations.

Yet somehow, superheroes seem to wake up every morning, pull on their boots and spandex, ready to face the challenges of the day, just like you and me. But as it turns out, they manage to find strength, meaning, and identity in the very same ways that we mere mortals do; by aligning themselves with others such as in the X-Men, Avengers and Justice League. They seek comfort in relationships, continually and painfully look inward for a deeper sense of self understanding and self-acceptance, and when these methods fail, turn to psychotherapy. Yes, superheroes go to psychotherapy!

As it turns out, quite a few superheroes have turned to the therapeutic couch when all else and all others have failed them. Bruce Banner, a.k.a. the Hulk turned to fictitious neuromuscular psychiatrist Angela Lipscomb to help integrate his deeply fractured personality. Oliver Queen, a.k.a. Green Arrow sought solace from Dr. Edmond Cathcart to resolve painful inner conflicts, and Peter Parker, a.k.a. the Spiderman who is tormented by intrusive memories and the pull to his dark side (Venom), turned to Dr. Ashley Kafka so that he might vanquish his inner demons.

Interestingly, the psychotherapists who come to the rescue of these tormented superheroes struggle in many of the same ways that real-life psychotherapists often do. Dr. Frederick Wertham Blink, so-called “superhero shrink,” struggles to raise his own tormented teenage daughter, psychiatrist Leonard Samson wrestles with his own existential angst as he simultaneously struggles to render therapeutic assistance to the various heroes of the X-Factor, and Dr. Edmond Cathcart must somehow decompress from the challenging work of healing others just to muster the energy to leave his office at the end of the day.

Clearly then, superheroes are far more than two-dimensional fantasy heroes who model impossible standards for us to achieve. They are, despite alien origin, profound trauma and inevitable estrangement, very much human, and as such like the rest of us in need of connection, meaning and inner peace. So, they turn to psychotherapy. And in turn, their psychotherapists are often quite realistically portrayed in the comic-book world as caring, committed and loyal helpers, who also like the rest of us try to find a balance between our lives in and out of the office, within our own skins and in our own real-life relationships…all the while battling self-doubt, seemingly insurmountable odds and forces beyond our control. In other words, just like the rest of us therapists out there in the real world struggling to give it our best shot. 

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/superheroes-in-psychotherapy

Embracing Imperfection: Our Scars Tell the Story

The Japanese have a form of art known as Kintsugi. This entails a piece of broken pottery being repaired with either gold or silver. The gold or silver is placed in the cracks of the broken pottery and in some cases whole pieces are replaced with one of the two. This technique embraces the imperfection or flaw in an object. Such as how we should embrace our own imperfections, flaws, or scars. Because those scars tell our stories.

As with the gold enhancing the pottery our scars enhance us. Our scars show our perseverance, fortitude, and courage. It allows people to know that we have been broken but put back together and are stronger because of it, we’ve had our breakthrough. Yes, it’s the cliche “what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.” It actually does make us stronger because we learn from it. We learn that we have strength we never knew existed; with this newfound strength we are allowed to grow.

A while back, I saw a video on Facebook and it had a man with a prosthetic leg doing tire lifts and a young boy next to him with a prosthetic leg as well lifting a smaller tire. The video spoke volumes to me and to all the others who watched it as it went viral. Not only did this man embrace his own flaw as you would say, he empowered a child to do the same. And they were both stronger because of it — physically and emotionally. I could see the gold in both of them shining brightly.

Lately on the internet, whether its Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, people have been more open about sharing their “scars” whether it is a prosthetic limb, a burn, or some accident and the story behind it. I believe this process helps them overcome the trauma but also helps others with their own trauma and story. It allows others who have similar experiences know they are not alone.

Being a therapist, I naturally began to think about the people who carry around scars that are not visible to the world. These people can be survivors of abuse, rape, or mental illness. Just by looking at them you would not necessarily know what they have experienced. They have taken that crack in their soul and have filled it with gold so to speak. Everyday they wake up and LIVE and it is a victory. It’s a victory because it is not easy to do. It takes a great deal of strength and perseverance to continue to move on with life. For people dealing with trauma or mental illness, it’s a one day at a time mentality, some cases it is hour by hour. But everyday you live you win.

Personally, I thought it was great when Cleveland Cavalier forward Kevin Love wrote in the Players’ Tribune his struggles with panic attacks and Toronto Raptors guard DeMar DeRozan disclosed his battles with depression. And let’s not forget all the women who came forward behind the #metoo movement. It allows others to relate and know that they are not alone. Especially, the children who look up to them.

In life what are some of the other cracks that may need to be filled? Some might be thoughts of failure. People may feel like a failure from a loss of job, divorce, or an estranged relationship. These feelings are natural, I would even say experiencing the 5 stages of grief are okay and necessary. However, when all is said and done and you are able to survive and learn from the situation then you have become a fine piece of art.

If you are struggling with trauma here are some tips to help:

• Accept your feelings. After experiencing a traumatic event, you may experience an array of emotions. These emotions can include guilt, shock, and anger. This are normal emotions to experience. Do not deny yourself these feelings, they are necessary in the healing process. Do not rush yourself to feel better, give yourself respect and love and allow yourself to heal. You will be happy for it.
• Seek therapy. Do not be afraid to seek professional help, it does not make you weak. There are times when we need others to help us, especially those trained in helping people recover from trauma.
• Connect with others. After experiencing trauma you may want to be alone and isolate yourself, this may actually makes things worse. It’s important to connect with family and friends, these relationships can help you heal.
• Self-Disclose. Self-disclosure may not only help you but it might help someone in a similar situation. I feel there is always a time and a place to self-disclose. You may want to share your experience when you notice someone is going through something and they can benefit emotionally and mentally from your disclosure.
• Challenge yourself. The scars we have tell our story. They also remind us of what we have been through, with that we may carry fear, sadness, or helplessness. Our newfound strength comes from challenging these fears, not allowing ourselves to be sad and helpless. You survived, now show everyone including yourself.

So whatever it is that you may have experienced in your life or you may experience in the future. Trust me it won’t completely break you. Fill your cracks with gold of strength, humility, and courage. Show your uniqueness off to the world, because the strength you show in yourself may be the strength someone else needs.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/our-scars-tell-the-story/

Best of Our Blogs: April 27, 2018

Are you more sensitive than your friends? If you can’t brush off a joke or negative comment, the usual reaction is to blame yourself or escape the feeling. In other words, “fight or flight.” But what if there was a different way.

In moments when you’re feeling down, it’s worth it to dig into the feeling. Why did this particular statement hurt? Is it about this person or someone in your past who made you feel this way?

Feelings are always trying to tell us something. Whether it’s pointing you to an unresolved past or a potentially toxic person, listening and tuning in are the ways we heal and grow. So the next time you’re triggered, don’t wash away the feeling, try embracing it instead.

5 Unhealthy Behaviors That Rob You of Happiness
(Reaching Life Goals) – We often spend our energy focusing on what things will bring us happiness. Rarely, do we realize the things we’re doing that’s taking it away.

What’s the difference between a narcissist, sociopath, and borderline?
(The Recovery Expert) – This table will help you distinguish the differences between three seemingly similar personality disorders.

Addiction Is an Intimacy Disorder
(Sex & Intimacy in the Digital Age) – If you’re having trouble feeling compassionate for the addict in your life, read this.

8 Ways Childhood Neglect Affected Your Life
(Psychology of Self) – When your needs aren’t met in childhood, you spend your whole life struggling with everything from disorganization to trusting others.

Five Ways to Avoid Overreacting in Your Relationship
(Healing Together for Couples) – Here are five ways to put the brakes on your anger and protect your relationship.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-april-27-2018/

Does Social Media Cause Depression?

Social media applications such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, and more have become an icon of modern times alongside the internet itself, Facebook being the largest social media platform in the world with nearly a third of the world’s population having profiles on the website. As the popularity of the internet grew, depression and mood disorders among adolescents have steadily risen, becoming the most lethal affliction to young people in the developed world. Research on social media use has concluded over and over again that as social media use rises, so does the number of cases of depression and mood disorders. The correlation is clear, however the unanswered question remains: Why?

Does excessive social media use cause depression, or do depressed people tend to use social media excessively? In order to attempt to answer these questions, we must look at how social media applications hijack human psychology.

Almost every social media platform is in the business of keeping its users online as long as possible in order to deliver as many advertisements to individuals as possible. To achieve this goal, social media applications use addiction triggers to reward individuals for staying online longer. In the same way that dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of reward and pleasure, is released when gamblers gamble or when alcoholics drink, social media applications are littered with dopamine release triggers. One researcher had this to say about social media applications and how they trigger addiction responses in users:

“The likes, comments, and notifications we receive on our mobile devices through social apps create positive feelings of acceptance… Our minds are being ‘brain hacked’ by these apps and social platforms;… research and development dollars are allocated to determining how technology can stimulate the release of dopamine during product use to make us feel good about ourselves. When we are not getting this dopamine release from our apps and smartphones, we feel fear, anxiety, and loneliness. The only remedy, for some, is to get back on the device for another pleasure release.” (Darmoc, 2018)

Another way social media can tap into a user’s psychology is through a concept known as emotional contagion: The phenomena of emotional states being involuntarily transmitted between individuals. While emotional contagion is well-documented in face to face interactions, research has shown that happiness, anger, sadness, and everything in between can be passed to an individual through social media. In a study conducted by E. Ferrara and Z. Yang, 3,800 randomly selected social media users were tested on the contagiousness of the emotional tones of the content they viewed online. The study found that emotional states are easily manipulated through social media, and simply reading emotionally charged posts can transfer emotional states to the reader. In other words, when a social media user sees a sad post by a friend, the reader feels that sadness. This can be especially harmful when compounded with the issue of online culture bubbles.

Social media applications utilize powerful algorithms to serve content to users that they are more likely to engage and interact with so users stay on the site longer. Social media users tend to engage with the same kind of content repeatedly, training the algorithms to serve them more and more of the same content, creating a “bubble” that the user rarely sees outside of. For example, a user who clicks on an article about a local shooting, or comments on a friend’s post about getting divorced will be served more negative content because it’s what they engage in. Combined with emotional contagion, these negative cultural bubbles could severely and adversely affect an individual’s emotional state.

Indirectly, social media applications act as the catalyst for destructive behaviors like comparison, cyberbullying, and approval-seeking. A side-effect of the way in which social media applications are designed is that users tend to showcase a highlight reel of their lives; posting all the positive and important moments and leaving out the negative and mundane. When a user observes these highlight reels from other people, they compare these portrayals to the worst parts of themselves, causing feelings of shame, irrelevance, and inferiority. These feelings can lead users to engage in destructive approval-seeking behaviors. Social media applications are also conducive to cyberbullying, where users can hide behind anonymity and remove themselves from the consequences of harassment. This harassment can have fatal consequences, and social media only makes it easier to engage in.

A UK study carried out by the Royal Society for Public Health tested the psychological impact of social media use on 1,500 adolescents and concluded that almost every major social media platform had a negative impact on the subjects’ psychological wellbeing, ranging from anxiety to self-esteem. The research is clear; cases of depression have been on the rise right alongside the growth of social media, and the more social media an individual engages with, the higher their chance of having mood disorders. What the data doesn’t yet show us is whether increased social media use causes depression, or whether depressed people tend to use social media excessively. In order to answer these questions, more diligent research must be done to control for this difference. However, if increased social media use does indeed cause psychological harm, the question will remain whether the responsibility for the rapid increase in cases of depression among adolescents lies with the users of social media, or with the social media companies themselves.

References:

Darmoc, S., (2018). Marketing addiction: the dark side of gaming and social media. Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services. 56, 4:2 https://doi-org.ezproxy.ycp.edu:8443/10.3928/02793695-20180320-01

Ferrara, E., Yang, Z. (2015). Measuring Emotional Contagion in Social Media. PLoS ONE, 10, 1-14.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/does-social-media-cause-depression/

How Can I Get My Children to Listen and Obey?

When children misbehave and disobey, it can be difficult to stay calm, especially if the negative behavior has become routine. Parents can often feel agitated, stressed, and helpless. There can be so many reasons for a child’s disobedience. Both the parent and child may feel stuck, as if on an uphill treadmill and unable to get off. The parent-child relationship also suffers and a void is created.

Parents may yearn for the good old days when their children behaved nicely and there was peace in the home. Other parents may say, “We don’t even know what that’s like!” Being a parent is one of the most difficult roles humans experience in their lives.

Despite the challenges, there is one activity that can make a significant change in the child’s life and the parent-child relationship.

Yes, it is play! The power of play can be magical for all of us. Plenty of studies confirm playing is not only beneficial for one’s physical well being but also for our emotional and mental health. Some parents may claim they are too exhausted to play with their children. Before you say that, consider some of the benefits play can bring into your child’s life.

• Research indicates that oxytocin levels rise when children and parents play and laugh together. When you connect physically and emotionally with your child, this hormone strengthens your child’s overall wellbeing.
• Oxytocin is also a stress hormone. When under stress, it motivates individuals to seek support from those they care about. When your child is having a meltdown and pushes you away, respect that. Though, remember to keep a balance because that’s often when your child needs you the most.
• Find a way to relate and play with your child every day. Kelly McGonigal once said, “It is amazing that our stress response has a built-in mechanism for stress resilience, and that mechanism is human connection.” What better way to bond with your child? Can you envision what can happen in your child’s physiology as you interact and play, especially after a particular stressful day at school?
• During play, mirror neurons are engaged as you make eye contact with your child. Being with your child 100% (no phone, TV or other distractions) allows you to be in touch with your child’s feelings and understand him in that moment. As you reflect back, the message you send him is, “I’m here, I hear you, I understand, and I care about you!” Your child is also learning empathy directly from you.
• During your special playtime, let her be the leader. She will feel empowered and in control for those precious minutes. Think about it. How often is your child in charge of her life? Her disobedience and misbehavior may be an indication that she feels helpless and powerless.
• Remember a rule of thumb that says, “Never do for a child that which he can do for himself.” If something is challenging, reflect his feelings and provide nonjudgmental support. Give your child a chance to problem solve himself, and if necessary work on a resolution together.
• Playing with your child allows both of you to practice setting limits. When she wants to do something that is unsafe or unacceptable, reflect her feelings and set the limit in a positive way. Your child and you will start looking at limit setting with a different attitude as you acknowledge her feelings, communicate the limit, and provide an alternative that is adequate and safe.

Children cannot communicate their thoughts and feelings with words as well as you wish they did. They can communicate with you during special playtime because toys are their words and play is their language. Enter their world and connect with your child, then see what happens.

You can also reach out to a professional who practices play therapy and can provide you with additional skills through CPRT. Child-Parent Relationship Therapy is an evidence-based program designed to strengthen the child-parent relationship, improve children’s behavior, and restore confidence in your child among many other benefits. A trained play therapist will teach you basic child-centered play therapy skills. You will learn how to become a therapeutic agent in helping your child create long-term positive changes in her life.

Don’t forget that you are the expert on your child. You may recognize that playing and connecting with your child daily may not be enough. Request a thorough physical and psychological assessment to determine what additional skills and resources you and your child may need.

No matter what, continue to play with your child and never lose hope!

 

References

Bratton S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard S. R. (2006). Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents. New York: Routledge.

McGonigal, K. (2013, June). How to Make Stress Your Friend [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend

Stewart, A., Field, T. & Echterling, L. (2016). Neuroscience and the magic of play therapy. International Journal of Play Therapy, 25. 4-13. 10.1037/pla0000016.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-can-i-get-my-children-to-listen-and-obey/

Podcast: A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and the Psych Central Show

As hard as it is to believe, Gabe Howard hosts another podcast, but with a different co-host! Michelle Hammer is his co-host on A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast (AKA BSP). In this episode, she and Gabe chat with Vincent M. Wales about how she and Gabe met (spoiler: their stories don’t exactly match) and how the BSP podcast came to exist. Additionally, they clear up some of the misconceptions about their show, share a few words about person-first language, and explain just why the show has a “mature” rating. And don’t forget to listen to episode 007 of BSP, which features this same trio, together in person in Chicago!

.

Subscribe to Our Show!
And Remember to Review Us!

.

BSP Show Highlights:

“I thought we had a ‘mature’ rating because I can’t stop cursing.” ~ Michelle Hammer

[2:31]   Why on earth would Gabe want to do a show without Vincent?

[7:39]   Gabe clears up Vincent’s misconception about BSP.

[8:45]   Person-first language and how BSP owes its name to Nathan Fillion.

[11:37] Michelle tells how she and Gabe really met.

[12:34] Gabe loses the dollar.

[15:42] Who is Michelle Hammer, anyway?

[21:11] Why does BSP have a “mature” rating?

 

 

About Our Guest

Michelle Hammer was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May, 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit schizophrenic.NYC.

About The Psych Central Show Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-a-bipolar-a-schizophrenic-and-the-psych-central-show/

The Surprising Reason Behind Your Weight Gain

You may have heard that stress can affect your body in many ways, and that your waistline can become a victim in your stress battle. Sadly, this is true. There are several ways in which stress can contribute to weight gain. The major reason has to do with cortisol, also known as the stress hormone. When we’re under stress, the fight or flight response is triggered in our bodies, leading to the release of various hormones, including cortisol, rushing through our bloodstream.

When we have more cortisol in our system, we may crave less healthy food options like salty snacks and highly processed foods that are high in sugar and fat, contributing to weight gain over time. Whether we’re stressed because of constant, crazy demands at work/personal life, or we’re really in danger, our bodies respond either way like we’re about to be harmed and need to fight for our lives (or run from the threat/danger, by not dealing). To answer this need, we experience a burst of energy, shifts in metabolism, blood flow, and other changes. These changes can affect digestion, appetite, and ultimately, weight in many ways.

If you remain in this state for a prolonged amount of time due to chronic stress, your health becomes at risk. Apart from a host of other dangers, chronic stress can also cause weight gain, which can sometimes create even more stress, often resulting in a vicious never ending cycle. Chronic stress and cortisol can contribute to weight gain in the following ways, so take notice, and try to do something about it, especially if you notice that you are following a particular diet to the T, exercising, and still not seeing any results over time. As always, if this is the case, discuss with a medical professional to rule out other culprits, like your thyroid, or something more serious.

Cravings

As mentioned above, people experiencing chronic stress tend to crave more fatty, salty and sugary foods. This includes sweets, processed food and other things that aren’t as good for you. These foods are typically less healthy and lead to increased weight gain.

Blood Sugar

Prolonged stress can alter your blood sugar levels, causing mood swings, fatigue, and conditions like hyperglycemia. Too much stress has even been linked to metabolic syndrome, a cluster of health concerns that can lead to greater health problems, like heart attacks and diabetes.

Metabolism

Do you sometimes feel like you’re prone to putting on more weight when you’re stressed, even if you’re eating the same amount of food as you always have? Too much cortisol can slow your metabolism, causing more weight gain than you would normally experience. This also makes dieting more difficult.

Fat Storage

Excessive stress even affects where we tend to store fat. Higher levels of stress are linked to greater levels of abdominal/visceral fat. Unfortunately, abdominal fat is not only aesthetically undesirable; it’s linked with greater health risks than fat stored in other areas of the body, like the hips and thighs.

Stress and weight gain are connected in other ways too, from emotional eating, to reaching for fast food options instead of cooking healthy at home. Experts believe that one of the big reasons we’re seeing more obesity, or diabesity in our society these days is that people are too stressed and busy to make healthy dinners at home, often opting to get fast food at the nearest drive-thru instead. Fast food and even healthier restaurant fare can both be higher in sugar and fat. Even in the healthiest circumstances, you don’t know what you’re eating when you’re not eating at home, and you can’t control what goes into your food. Because of this and because restaurants often add less healthy ingredients like butter to enhance taste. It’s safer to eat at home most of the time if you can, not to mention more sanitary.

With all the demands on your schedule, exercise may be one of the last things on your to-do list. If so, you’re not alone. Americans live a more sedentary lifestyle than we have in past generations, yet our minds seem to be racing from everything we have to do. Unfortunately, from sitting in traffic, clocking hours at our desks, and plopping in front of the TV in exhaustion at the end of the day, exercise often goes by the wayside.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to reverse this particular pattern of weight gain and actually reduce your stress level and waistline at the same time. Try them and be consistent in your approach because scientific research shows that it works. Mental health and physical health go hand in hand. If you notice pounds slowly creeping up, stress may be the sneaky culprit behind your weight gain, despite your best efforts at dieting. Do you best to be mindful of this, and do everything in your power to de-stress. Besides feeling mentally better, as an added bonus you may notice your waistline start to shrink.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-surprising-reason-behind-your-weight-gain/

How Practicing Mindfulness Can Change Your Life

“Mindfulness” is a word that’s gotten a lot of attention lately. It sounds good, it’s usually accompanied by calming images that look very appealing, and most of us accept on principle that mindfulness must be a good thing. If you have a sense that mindfulness is something that you need more of — but you’re a little sheepish to admit that you’re not entirely sure exactly what it is — don’t worry. You are so not alone.

You may have heard of mindfulness in the context of some other concepts — yoga, meditation, therapeutic strategies, and relaxation skills — and that’s because mindfulness really does have a place in a variety of different approaches to stress management, focus, and wellness. At its most basic level, mindfulness is a self-chosen, self-directed way of thinking that allows us to disengage from stressors that seem all-consuming.

Yes, mindfulness is a wonderful thing! Let’s take a moment to reflect on what mindfulness really means — and also what it isn’t — and then consider how incorporating a practice of mindfulness into our lives can be a really powerful and pragmatic life tool.

The best way to understand mindfulness is to break the word down into its component parts. The word mindful is literally a combination of the words “mind” and “full”. To be “mindful” is to deliberately pay attention to or fill one’s mind with a specific point of focus. That’s why mindfulness meditations always have some point or object … the breath, a mantra or phrase, an image, a particular part of the body, etc. When we engage in mindfulness practices, we deliberately and purposefully fill our mind with one point of focus.

Just as we can focus our attention on anything, we can also fill our minds with anything we choose. Mindfulness is a kind of exercise in focus. Mindfulness is different than focus in the sense that the point of focus has been identified expressly for the purpose of creating relaxation, stillness, soothing, and calm.

Often, we become hyper focused on a stressor or problem. It might seem as if — and you might have yourself saying to another person — “I just can’t stop thinking about______!” This can feel very true when we’re preoccupied or overwhelmed.

And to some degree, this is true: we’re not wired to stop thinking in general, let alone about something stressful. If we could stop thinking, something would be terribly wrong. Our brains are designed to think. A much more practical and viable alternative to stopping thinking about something stressful is to engage in mindfulness, or the deliberate practice of focusing our attention on one thing so that it does not become engaged by another (the stressor).

Here’s an example of how mindfulness works when it comes to “stopping thinking” about something stressful or upsetting:

Let’s pretend you “can’t stop thinking” about something someone at work said to you during a meeting. You feel hurt and disregarded, and it seems like you can’t stop replaying the whole thing in your head over and over, and getting upset all over again.

The replay of this stressor has a number of elements. One is the visual memory: the setting, who was there, etc. Another element is words … the words that the person said and maybe what you said in response (or didn’t say but wish you had). Your “mind is full” of the images and words that make up this event.

Minds are a little bit like record players … they can only play one track at a time. Similarly, you can only replay one set of words and images at a time. If you mindfully focus (fill your mind) on a neutral or soothing phrase (that you read, verbally repeat, or write), you literally cannot focus on the words of the stressful conversation. It doesn’t matter if the phrase is a bible verse, a nursery rhyme, a Sanskrit mantra, or a Clint Eastwood movie line … your mind will not be able to play those words and the words from the upsetting event. If you deliberately work to mentally picture a relaxing beach or patio, or focus on an actual picture, you cannot simultaneously picture the conference table from the meeting at the same time. Mindfulness is the deliberate activity of filling one’s mind with pleasant, soothing, or neutral sensory input so that no room exists to be filled by the most recent stressor.  

If there is a tricky part of mindfulness, it’s deciding to do it. There’s a part of us that — no matter how much we may say we want to stop thinking about the stressor — doesn’t in fact want to stop. Most of us get a slightly addictive and of course completely false sense of control by hyper focusing on a problem, even though doing so makes us miserable.

Try it. Next time you find yourself obsessing about an unpleasant interaction you had with someone, just pause and start saying the word “sunshine” to yourself out loud, while picturing a sun-drenched landscape. This is mindfully focusing on sunshine. And there will be no room for any distressing thoughts.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-practicing-mindfulness-can-change-your-life/