How Childhood Emotional Neglect Affects Relationships

Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is a deep, long lasting wound that is not easily detectable in adults or by those in close relationships with them.

When you have exposure over time to an adult with childhood trauma, you will notice that the person has trouble communicating emotions or feelings, constantly withdraws instead of exploring feelings, and uses only functional, simple sentences. At first, you may wonder if you have harmed this person by something you’ve said, but when it becomes a continual pattern, it’s best to understand the underlying elements before thinking it’s something you can fix or change.

The truth of this relational dysfunction in adults is that there was some type of parental invalidation of their emotions when they were children. One can imagine a child coming home from school each day and a parent neglecting to process with them, espousing a “seen but not heard” stance. This child learns to not share emotions and cannot gain the capacity or vocabulary to understand what they are feeling.

They have no safe space and instead grow up without receiving the empathy they need for healthy development. This results in not having empathy for themselves or others around them. They are a “closed system” and unaware of the why behind their lack of healthy communication.

If someone is in a close relationship with an adult who has had CEN, they will notice continual patterns of withdrawal. They will also notice that conflict or the processes of basic daily life is a chore for the CEN adult. They will quickly go into addictions or escapes to avoid any seemingly difficult situation.

The people who are in relationships with them, whether their siblings, children or spouse, are left in a perpetual mode of irresolution with their loved one. Many times, adults with CEN mimic the persona of a two year old, throwing tantrums instead of being able to process through normal critical thinking, especially if the situation involves emotions. Their loved ones may experience a series of emotional abuses (see signs of emotional abuse) and wonder why there is a disconnect between what is being shared and how it’s taken.

If you are in a relationship with a CEN adult, it’s good to be aware that you will need to provide self-compassion and not expect them to be able to connect on a mature level. If you see the signs of CEN early, it is best ask yourself if you should enter into a relationship with the person, since even necessary daily communication can be a frustration.

Hopefully, these adults who have suffered neglect can find the tools to learn to process their emotions and find empathy towards themselves and others, but you may not be able to provide those tools and might risk suffering unintentional emotional abuse in the process.

Sad child photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/29/how-childhood-emotional-neglect-affects-relationships/

Mindful Family Activity: Our Jar Full of Happy

Did you know that a study done by Harvard University found that we are distracted 47% of the time? That means nearly half of our days, weeks, months and lives go by unnoticed and unappreciated. What a loss!

Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist and author of Hardwiring Happiness, encourages us to really “take in” even quite small good things in our days, not let them go by in that distracted blur, but to spend time savoring them, letting them soak into our bodies and brains. Hanson says this is an easy way for us to rewire our brains for greater well-being and happiness over time.

Our brains have evolved to have a negativity bias — to be Teflon for the good and Velcro for the bad. So if we just leave it to chance, we won’t even register many of the lovely little moments of our lives. But we can do something to change this imbalance.

There are two ways you can find material for these good things to savor:

1. Notice things as they are happening and take a mindful pause to soak them up.
2. Remember good things and take a few moments to soak them up.

It can really be anything good at all that you notice, remember or enjoy. It could be something you see, feel, taste, hear or touch. Or it might be an interaction you had with someone during the day.

Looking for these good things and savoring them is called self-directed neuroplasticity and is one of the ways we can get back into the drivers seat of our own mood and well-being anywhere, anytime, multiple times a day.

I decided to apply this to a colorful and fun activity for my whole family.

As a psychologist and mindfulness teacher, I know the value of positive family rituals in making children feel safe, seen, connected and strong — and this activity will achieve this AND set all of us up for greater happiness. Here is how it goes:

Our Jar Full of Happy

1. Find a transparent jar that is large enough to hold at least 7 notes from every person in your family.
2. Take some colored paper (several different colors) and cut it up into note sized pieces, or use sticky notes like we have.
3. Pick a time towards the end of each day — if you can make it during dinner (or just before bed) that would be great — and take turns recalling something good that you noticed today.
4. Write it down and then share it with each other, taking at least 20-30 seconds to bask in the glow of the goodie. If your children are not writing yet, you can write it for them in their own words.
5. Place the colored pieces of paper in the jar. We leave ours in full view on the kitchen bench so we are reminded to notice the good moments and to complete our ritual each night.
6. At the end of the week — perhaps when you have 5 minutes or so on the weekend — sit down as a family and pull each piece of paper out of the jar and read them aloud to recall all the lovely things that have happened during the week. Celebrate all the goodies by doing something fun together as a family, even a family hug!
7. Keep your notes from each week together and anytime anyone needs some sprinkles of happiness to brighten their mood, they are right there at your fingertips.

Jar of notes photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/29/mindful-family-activity-our-jar-full-of-happy/

The Key to Impulse Control

The key to impulse control is a strong and disciplined will, and an unwillingness or inability to delay gratification, forego pleasure, or endure pain is a great predictor of dysfunction.

Tags: CBT, Freud, history, in practice, parenting and children

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life http://counsellingresource.com/features/2016/02/29/impulse-control/

5 Ways that Being Appreciated Nourishes Us

We all like being appreciated, right? But have you ever wondered why? What is it about being appreciated that affects us so much?

Here are five possible reasons why it touches us, tickles us, and delights us when someone floats appreciation toward us.

1. We’re Being Valued

We do a good deed and someone offers a warm “thank you” or a reassuring nod or gesture. Or perhaps we share a poem, show an art project, or fix a leaky faucet and we’re praised and validated for it. In that moment, someone values and notices us amidst our fast-paced life. There is something about being valued that feels good — if we can only let it in fully.

Children need to feel valued so that they can gradually internalize self-valuing. We develop our sense of self from how we’re perceived by others. If we receive positive mirroring, we feel good about ourselves.

As adults, we also thrive on positive feedback from our environment. Being valued and appreciated help us develop a positive sense of self-worth.

2. We’re Being Seen

Someone we respect comments on our kindness or caring. Or someone recognizes and appreciates our goodness, wisdom, or compassion. We feel good when a person recognizes qualities of being that we appreciate about ourselves. It feels good to be seen.

We might take a risk to share vulnerable feelings with a lover, friend, or therapist. Rather than judge or fix us, they listen with kindness and openness, as well as appreciation for how we’re trusting them with something tender inside us. We feel good to be seen and appreciated as we share our sorrow, fear, or joy around some event in our life.

3. We’re Being Liked

Being appreciated goes along with being liked. If you think about someone you appreciate, perhaps because they’re kind, caring, or have an open, friendly attitude, you probably like that person. There’s something about liking and being liked that warms our heart and brings a smile to our face.

It may be easier to love someone than to like them. Maybe you love a parent but don’t really like them, Or perhaps you still have loving feelings for a former partner (or perhaps a current one), but you may not feel a spontaneous liking toward them. Maybe you’ve felt judged and shamed — or trust has been broken in ways that left you feeling unseen and unappreciated. It’s difficult to like someone when we have a real or imagined sense of not being respected, valued, and appreciated.

4. It Deepens a Sense of Meaning in Our Lives

When someone offers appreciation for an article or talk, it reminds me that what I’m doing is meaningful. Hearing that I’ve affected somebody in some small way adds meaning to my life. It feels good to get the message that I’ve affected someone in a positive way.

The Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl, developed an approach to psychotherapy that he called “logotherapy,” which suggests that human beings are motivated by a “will to meaning.” We flourish when we live with a sense of meaning and purpose. We may flounder or get depressed when we lack meaning.

Being appreciated is a way to feel that we’re important to someone; we make a difference in their lives. We are valued — or even cherished. It is validating and meaningful to hear that what we’ve done something thing good or that who we are is appreciated.

5. It Connects Us

As human beings, we long for connection. During that precious moment when someone sees us, praises us, or validates us, there’s a spontaneous connection that can arise — if we’re open to it. Feeling appreciated strengthens the bond between people. It helps satisfy our longing for healthy attachment.

One way to create connection is to give others what we desire. We can extend generosity by noticing positive things about a person and finding some creative way to convey our positive sentiments toward them.

Positive psychology encourages us focus on the positive things in life, though without denying the shadow side of life. It’s good for our immune system and mental health to nurture the positive sense of connection that can come from giving and receiving appreciation.

Consider this: When someone offers appreciation, are you able to receive it as it floats toward you? When someone expresses thanks or offers appreciation, can you stay out of your head and simply let it in? Rather than second guess it, take a breath, stay in your body, and allow yourself to notice how good it feels to be valued and appreciated.

Please consider liking my Facebook page and click on “get notifications”(under “Likes”) to receive future posts.

Girl with flowers photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/29/5-ways-that-being-appreciated-nourishes-us/

Pictures of the day: 29 February 2016

Today: Baby turtles, Indian bodybuilders and Jakarta's red light district demolished








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3 Ways Confident Women Take On the World

Stop making your life so miserable.

I don’t know any woman who doesn’t want to feel successful in her life — be it work, relationships, finances, family, etc. But often, the very pursuit of that success makes us, as women, feel miserable. Why?

Perhaps we’re never satisfied with what we have in life because we’re too busy defining “success” by someone else’s standards… instead of our own!

Women are sometimes ruthless in their judgment of each other, only validating someone else’s success if it validates our own — breastfeeding moms against non, working moms against stay-at-home moms, married women against single women, women with children against women without children, etc.

8 Things Drama-Free Women Do WAY Differently

The problem is when we judge other women, we’re also judging ourselves and this is a losing battle. Truly confident women know, this approach will never get you closer to the goal of feeling successful, it only keeps you stuck endlessly comparing yourself to others and feeling freakin’ miserable.

So, how do confident women strive for success without letting it stress them out? Is there a way to reach it without exhausting ourselves or feeling driven to pursue perfection?

Confident women know that success isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being secure in yourself, in love with your life and actively enjoying it. They definite it their own terms!

And I challenge you to start defining success in your own terms, as well. And, I’ve learned there are three consistent benchmarks for REAL success that pretty much apply to every woman, no matter what you want to become, do, or have in life.

Here the three ways truly happy, confident women measure success:

1. They Feel Free to March to Their Own Beat.

They desire a sense of autonomy, even while in a committed relationship or working “for the man.” A confident, successful woman owns her independence and doesn’t feel beholden to someone else’s vision.

2. They’re Authentically Great at What They Do.

Self-mastery is about becoming your personal best at what you do, whether that’s being a mother, wife, best friend, employee or entrepreneur. Women thrive in environments that support them, lift them up, and hold them accountable about putting in the work to rise into their best selves. It’s not about one-upping other women, just having the courage to be the best version of yourself.

Study Says Women With Tattoos Have Higher Self-Esteem

3. They Make a Difference to Other People.

Leading a life filled with real purpose is important to most women. When personal freedom and personal mastery intersect with a noble purpose, women thrive and their lives matter and make a difference in the lives of other people.

Success, like beauty, cannot be defined one way (and it lies in the eyes of its beholder).

So, let’s learn from the truly confident women around us and start taking responsibility for how we define success in our own lives. It’s not the pursuit of success that causes misery, but rather our inability to define it in clear and healthy enough terms to create a realistic and sustainable approach to achieving it. I hope you start choosing happiness and purpose as your personal success benchmarks.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 3 Ways Super Confident Women Tackle Life On Their OWN Terms.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/28/3-ways-confident-women-take-on-the-world/

For Those in Despair: You Are Not Alone

Whenever we’re struggling with something, we assume we are alone. We are the only ones. I’m the only one who can’t get through the day without crying. I’m the only one with sweaty palms and terror swirling through my body while grocery shopping. I’m the only one who isn’t blissed out after having a baby. I’m the only one who can’t shake this all-consuming sorrow or rage. I’m the only one who can’t sit still. Who can’t stomach myself.  

But you’re not alone. You’re not alone in your confusing emotions, dark thoughts and daily struggles. You are one of hundreds, of thousands and even of millions. Two recently published essay collections remind us of this. They remind us that while our stories may be unique, the themes are not. We are connected. And there is hope.

In Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide and Feeling Blue over 30 writers contribute powerful, unflinchingly honest essays about their struggles with depression, despair, anxiety, addiction, grief and suicidal thoughts. Amy Ferris, who edited the collection, writes, too, about feeling like she’s the only one to experience “this damp darkness.” She describes her depression in this way:

Everything was pitch black. There was no color anywhere. It was dark and lonely, and the best way I can describe how I felt at that time in my life was like being in the middle of a forest, and it’s eerily dark, and you don’t know which way to turn so you take baby steps. Teeny steps because you don’t know where you are, and you can’t see anything, and you don’t know how to find your way out, and you reach for something to touch, but it’s not there. You fall down, and you don’t know how to get up, so you start by getting up on your knees, and then slowly, very slowly, you straighten up… and start to walk through the darkness, and you’re not sure you’re gonna make it out, but you silently hope and wish and pray that you do…

Barbara Abercrombie writes about the sadness, loneliness and fear she felt, which “crept in like fog.” She writes about depression feeling like failure and a “horrible character flaw.”

Chloe Caldwell writes about “being addicted to everything and nothing,” of reaching for drugs, food and sex to stop from the terror of being with herself. She writes about finding help and support with dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), NA meetings and loved ones.

Angela M. Giles Patel writes about taking medication — and hating it. “The idea that I cannot fully function without it breaks my heart on a regular basis, but I can’t stop taking it… for those of us who are clinically diagnosed with depression, proper medication is critical. To suggest otherwise is a failure to understand the true nature of the problem.”

In Mothering Through the Darkness: Women Open Up About the Postpartum Experience women talk about the things that rarely get talked about. They talk about terrifying thoughts and great grief. They talk about their paralyzing shame, feelings of failure, fears of being defective. Of being an impostor. Of being numb while at the same time filled with bottomless rage and regret. They talk about pain, and they talk about getting better. Much better.

Jessica Smock, co-editor of the collection, writes about crying with her infant son, in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening. She writes about being shocked at the intensity of her own crying. “It was the cry of a woman with a broken soul, no energy, no spirit. And that’s what it felt like to me at the time: the crying and the colic had crushed my spirit.”

Jen Simon writes about having thoughts of giving away her infant son, of running away by herself or with him. She writes about being “anxious all the time about nothing and everything.” “Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. My body is a black hole of feelings and longing and lacks even oxygen — there is never enough and I’m choking and drowning at the same time. I can’t stand up straight because I’m afraid my lungs will collapse in on themselves as my stomach folds over.”

Terrifying, senseless thoughts of killing herself, her baby, her husband start to make sense. With medication, the thoughts dissipate, and after a while, Simon starts getting better and better. And as she writes, things actually become good.

Celeste Noelani McLean talks about the conflicting feelings, of loving her daughter, of not loving her. She writes about her rage at her daughter’s “newborn-ness,” at doing this to herself. “I have no right to the fury that bubbles like tar, black and toxic and spoiling everything with its overbearing stench. I try to quell the anger, the hate I have for the baby I know that I somewhere, somehow, do actually love.” For McLean going to therapy — finally speaking the truth about her thoughts and feelings — starts to help. She starts to shift from survival and self-loathing to learning “how to live.”

Again, none of us is alone — regardless of what we’re struggling with, regardless of what’s happening in our lives. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to speak up and be honest. As Kitty Sheehan writes in one of my favorite essays in Shades of Blue, “Tell someone and boom, just like that, you aren’t alone, which can be a miracle.”

The best thing we can do is to seek help. To see a therapist who specializes in whatever we’re experiencing. To get good information and find support (for instance, Project Beyond Blue and Postpartum Progress are incredible resources). To take medication, if we need it (which is totally OK).

And to remind ourselves regularly of these words — from Sarah Rudell Beach in Mothering Through the Darkness — “We can be shattered, and we can become whole again.”

Young man photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/28/for-those-in-despair-you-are-not-alone/

How Solitary Confinement Affects People with Mental Illness

In 1990, Jack Powers was put in prison for robbery. A few years into his sentence, Powers witnessed the murder of one of his friends by members of the Aryan Brotherhood. Powers agreed to be a government witness and testify against members of the Brotherhood in exchange for a sentence reduction, but when he was denied the reduction, he decided to escape from prison in 1999.

He was caught a few years later and put in solitary confinement at ADX, the same place where the Brotherhood members he testified against resided. Even though Powers was diagnosed with PTSD due to his friend’s murder, he never received proper treatment and ended up horrifically mutilating himself several times.

As disturbing as it may be, Powers’ story is not exactly unique. A commonly accepted figure from the Bureau of Justice found that there are about 80,000 prisoners being held in solitary confinement across the U.S. A disproportionate amount of these prisoners have some form of mental illness.

According to reports obtained by the Human Rights Watch, numbers vary from jail to jail, but the trend of isolating mentally ill prisoners remains consistent throughout. For example, approximately one-third to one-half of Indiana’s Secure Housing Unit’s prison population has mental illness, according to a report obtained in 1997. During the same year, a federal court found that about half of prisoners with mental illness in the Iowa State Penitentiary had been segregated for disciplinary purposes. In 2002, it was found that 30.21% of the segregated prisoners in Corcoran state prisons had mental illness. California state prisons and the Valley State for Women had higher percentages, with 31.85% and 65.91% respectively.

One of the main problems is that prisoners with mental illness often have a much harder time following strict prison rules. Many guards see their mental illness as nothing more than a burden, and solitary confinement has become the default punishment for those with such illnesses. Unfortunately, solitary confinement can make the prisoner’s mental illness worse and has shown to have absolutely no effect in reducing violent crime.

Inmates in solitary housing have to spend the vast majority of their time in a cramped cell. They are often denied basic needs. For example, Nicole Natshke spent over a year in solitary. She spent long periods of time — at least 12 days or more — without a shower and was denied any sort of quality medical treatment. Her psychiatrist, whom she only saw once every two months, had refused to give her any sort of medication despite diagnosing her with PTSD and depression.

Other inmates, such as Alex, have described that prisons make it almost impossible to sleep as the beds are uncomfortable, the lights are always on, and the rooms are filled with the sounds of buzzing doors and inmate screams. Combine inhospitable conditions with mental illness and a lack of suitable treatments, and you get a recipe for disaster. Much like Jack Powers, many inmates are very prone to self-harm. In fact, data shows that those in California’s solitary confinement cells are extremely disproportionately at risk of committing suicide. In 2005, it was found that solitary confinement inmates were only 5% of the prison population, but made up 69% of the suicide victims.

The statistics are bleak, but there is hope. Just recently, President Obama had banned the use of solitary confinement for minors and the Indiana Department of Corrections has taken similar steps to aid prisoners with mental illness in solitary confinement with an agreement to reduce the use of segregation and by actively providing treatment for those in need. This change could affect about one-fifth of the state’s prisoners. The program, called Intent on Shaping Individual Growth with Holistic Treatment (INSIGHT), will provide many services for prisoners with mental illness, including at least ten hours of weekly therapy.

The Stepping Up Initiative, an organization which seeks to convince government and state officials to help prevent the abuse of prisoners with mental illness, has helped 231 different counties pass resolutions on how they treat their mentally ill prisoners. By taking a stand with groups like The Stepping Up Initiative, we can help improve the lives of the millions of people with mental illness who languish without treatment in prison or, worse, solitary confinement.

Cell door photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/28/how-solitary-confinement-affects-people-with-mental-illness/

Pictures of the day: 28 February 2016

Today: Israel's Batwoman, snow in Spain and I Love Bob (Mugabe) T-shirts








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The Link Between Introversion and Loneliness

Introverts love solitude. As a full-fledged introvert myself, I relish my time alone and completely understand the desire to forego socializing. Socializing is draining for introverts and, frankly, a lot of it feels like pointless chit-chat.

Solitude is like the air that introverts breathe.

But this deep need for solitude — a legitimate need, by the way — does have the potential to turn into harmful social isolation. It’s a balancing act that all introverts face: How much time alone is too much time alone? How do I know when I’ve crossed the line from delightful alone-ness to fretful loneliness?

As someone who’s been through this journey, I’d like to share my advice for maintaining your precious alone time, while successfully staving off painful loneliness.

1. Pay attention to how your alone-ness is making you feel.

This, in my opinion, is the #1 piece of advice you can receive on this topic. The amount of time one can spend alone while still feeling perfectly happy varies from person to person, and for introverts, this amount of time can be substantial.

Monitoring your own individual feelings about the amount of time you’re spending alone is the best way to know when you’ve crossed the line from tranquil to lonely.

If you choose to be diligent about this effort, keep a regular log of how your alone-ness is making you feel. Once a day, on a scale of one to ten, rate how happy you feel with the amount of alone-ness you’ve experienced that day.

2. Focus on hanging out one-on-one or in small groups.

The average introvert strongly prefers socializing with just one other person or in small groups. Introverts tend to dislike a lot of stimulation, so when they attend a gathering where large numbers of people buzz around them, they’re likely to leave the gathering feeling more distressed than when they arrived.

One-on-one or small group interactions are excellent for staving off introvert loneliness because they provide all the benefits of socializing without the overstimulation.

3. If attending a large gathering, set expectations about when you will leave.

It’s a bit of an introvert’s nightmare to go to a large social gathering (especially if you don’t know anyone) without any end-point in sight.

As I discussed in my previous article, How Your Flaky Friend May Have Gotten That Way, some people feel an anticipatory anxiety around social gatherings that make them prone to flake out — not because they don’t want to be included, but because they’re genuinely anxious.

One of the best ways to mitigate anxiety around large gatherings is to make clear — both to yourself and to whomever else might be invested — what time you need to leave. Not only will this prevent you from ghosting inappropriately early in the night, your host will appreciate that you came for as long as you could.

4. Keep to a weekly quota of social interaction.

Some introverts have wiped social interaction off their calendars altogether, while others feel overwhelmed by the amount of social gatherings they’re expected to attend. A good way to strike a balance between solitude and socializing — no matter which end of the spectrum you’re on — is to set a weekly quota for social interaction.

Let’s say you decide to hold yourself to two social interactions per week. If you currently have no interactions scheduled, this will prompt you to reach out and start inviting people into your life. If you receive many invitations per week, this gives you permission to attend only the two you’re most excited about… and turn down the rest.

5. Stay smart about your online socializing.

When you find real-life interaction draining, as most introverts do, it can be tempting to turn over your whole social world to the Internet. The Internet allows you to chat with people when you feel like it, yet disengage at any moment. It creates the feeling that you have social support even when you’re alone. There’s no doubt that this is an intriguing prospect to the introverts among us.

But don’t rely too heavily on the Internet (or your phone) to fulfill your desire for togetherness. It’s profoundly difficult to get to know another real person through a device. And if, at any point, the person you thought you knew turns out to be a fraud, you’ll likely end up lonelier than you were before you met them.

Keep these tips in mind, fellow introverts! We have special gifts to share with the world, so don’t let our propensity for loneliness get in your way.

Girl in the forest photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/27/the-link-between-introversion-and-loneliness/

What to Do When Your Anxious Brain Throws a Tantrum

We do all sorts of stuff when we feel scared or anxious — we worry, we overanalyze, we re-play both real and imagined scenarios, and we seek reassurance, whether it’s from others or ourselves. We do all these things because anxiety feels downright crappy and taking some sort of action, even non-productive action, gives us a semblance of control, which feels oh-so-good compared to the unease that anxiety brings.

How come we can’t always see this anxious thinking for what it is, rooted in fear and insecurity, not truth? Well it’s because we are always feeling our thinking. Emotions (especially intense, not so pleasant ones) have a way of making our thoughts appear way more personal, important, and real than they actually are. So we innocently get tricked into spending a lot of time trying to avoid, prevent, and/or run away from those negative thoughts and the uncomfortable emotions that follow — as quickly as possible. One way we do this is through habitual reassurance.

So what can we do about this truth? Remember that feeling uneasy, unsure, scared, and insecure are really uncomfortable emotions, but they are just symptoms; they are as much symptoms of an anxious state of mind as are an increased heart rate, stomach aches, and, my personal favorite, profuse sweating. There’s literally nothing we have to do because all this emotional discomfort is the result of anxiety (a temporary and fleeting state) and nothing more.

Unfortunately, we are not taught to slow down and do nothing when we feel anxious. Our instinct is to do what we know how to do best — take some sort of action, like reassurance, to dampen the discomfort from anxiety. Reassurance feels pretty good when we’re feeling unsure or uneasy, so we get into the game of trying to convince the anxious brain that it’s okay, that we’re okay. Sometimes it works temporarily, but often it gets us caught in no-man’s-land in a battle between the anxious brain and the logical brain. You have to remember — the anxious brain doesn’t play fair; it’s not going to see any logic or reason in that moment, and by engaging it we’re only empowering and perpetuating this anxious habit.

Your anxious brain is a bit like a toddler throwing a good old-fashioned tantrum; if you let them scream it out for a minute they often exhaust themselves and move on, usually laughing and smiling 5 minutes later. But if that toddler is used to getting attention, toys, or sweets during their tantrums, then it becomes a more frequent occurrence. If our brain feels like we’re getting something out of reassurance (even if it’s only two minutes of relief), then it’s going to keep seeking reassurance.

I know when I was struggling with health anxiety and was SO convinced that I had a heart problem, reassurance was my go-to habit. Every time I felt the sensation of skipped heartbeats and palpitations or had the terrifying thought that I was going to drop dead from cardiac arrest, I’d seek reassurance from my doctor (once or twice is a good idea, by the eleventh visit, not so much), from WebMD, and by compulsively checking my pulse and blood pressure.

These actions brought me instant and temporary relief for a time, but eventually I was monitoring my blood pressure every 5 minutes because the relief became more and more short lived. What I didn’t realize was that by constantly seeking reassurance, I was perpetuating this belief that I actually had a heart problem — no wonder anxiety was sticking around.

What happens when we take a step back and do nothing instead of getting caught in the reassurance game? Well, like the toddler, when we don’t engage our anxious brain with reassurances, it tends to simply scream and cry itself out after a few minutes and moves onto happier activities. Sure, it’s uncomfortable in the moment, but when you slow down, take a step back and let the wave of anxiety wash over you, I think you’ll be surprised by how quickly the anxiety dissipates.

Each time we make room for anxiety to wash over us instead of playing the reassurance game, our brain starts to see what anxiety really is, not a danger, but an uncomfortable, temporary and fleeting emotion.

Stressed guy photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/27/what-to-do-when-our-anxious-brain-throws-a-tantrum/

Psychology Around the Net: February 27, 2016

Welcome to another edition of Psychology Around the Net, sweet readers! Unlike last week, this one is on time!

This week, we take a look at important topics such as teacher training for mental health first aid, the military’s care for people with mental health problems, how being overweight can affect one’s memory, and more.

EXCLUSIVE: NY Lawmakers Want Teachers Trained to Spot Students With Mental Health Issues: Assemblyman Marcus Crespo and Senator Jesse Hamilton are unveiling legislation requiring teachers to undergo “mental health first aid” training (a term with which we’re becoming rapidly familiar) to help identify students who might be struggling with mental health problems and help them obtain treatment. At the time of this writing, the New York State United Teachers (the state’s teachers’ union) has yet to take a formal stance on the legislation.

Children With Chronic Headaches at Higher Risk of Mental Illness: According to a review published in Seminars in Pediatric Neurology, child patients with chronic daily headache (CDH) have an increased risk for comorbid psychiatric conditions.

Military’s Care for People With PTSD and Depression Falls Short: I’ll be frank: This isn’t surprising news. According to recent research, the military’s health programs just aren’t providing the mental health treatments our service members need and, even though the “Military Health System, which is operated by the Defense Department, is effective at contacting active-duty personnel diagnosed with one of the conditions,” the system is having a difficult time making sure patients continue treatment.

Study Shows Benefits of Dog Ownership Among Seniors: Researchers from Oregon State University believe seniors who own dogs benefit from a lower risk of cardiovascular disease which, among other health-related factors, could be attributed to “lower levels of stress, anxiety, and loneliness.”

Teen Mental Health Risk Increases With Food Insecurity: Teens who live in households that have “limited or uncertain availability of nutricious food are more than twice as likely as other kids to have emotional problems or conduct problems,” says a recent study lead by Dr. Elizabeth Poole-Di Salvo of Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York.

Memory: Overweight Young Adults Have Poorer Recollection: The University of Cambridge may have discovered a link between overweight young adults (those with a high BMI, or Body Mass Index) and poor episodic memory (the ability to remember past events).

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/27/psychology-around-the-net-february-27-2016/

Pictures of the day: 27 February 2016

Today: Inverted orangutans, gas masks in Kosovo and selfies with Wookies








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A Little Dose of Perspective Can Lead You to Eternal Optimism

It’s not what you think it is.

Anyone who knows me in real life (or even who’s connected with me on social media) will tell you that I’m somewhat of an eternal optimist, for better or worse. I choose to live my life looking at the silver lining. Searching for the “frosting” on the cake. Looking at the bigger picture.

On many occasions, people have asked me how I stay so positive all the time. The truth, the real truth, is that I don’t.

QUIZ: What Is Your Personality Types Based On the Words You Use?

The general assumption is that, since I can look at the positive side of any situation, I must somehow be avoiding reality. Perhaps I’m too naive or too inexperienced or too used to wearing rose-colored glasses to understand the truth. Perhaps I’m so blinded by what I want to see that I won’t or can’t see the “real world.”

The truth — the real truth — is that I’ve experienced the bad along with the good. I’ve had my heart broken into a million pieces. I’ve questioned how I was going to get up the next day. I’ve coped with my problems in destructive ways.

I’ve wondered if I had the emotional capacity to push forward. I’ve stared into an empty glass of whisky and wondered what I did wrong. And financially, I’ve wondered how I was going to put enough gas in my car to get home.

I’ve needed to choose between just laying down or standing up and fighting. I’ve needed to look at the big picture and realize that the life I want isn’t going to appear in front of me. Happiness isn’t just going to appear in front of me.

I choose this reality for myself on a daily basis. Perhaps I look around at the world and notice that most people are miserable. Most people are upset. Most people hate their jobs, their commutes, their cars and their clothes.

Have you ever sat in traffic and really looked around? I mean really, truly, looked at people? It’s depressing and bleak.

Science Says Funny People Are Smarter Than Everyone Else

So many people are beaten down and discouraged and hopeless and just sad. They have broken dreams and broken hopes and broken lives. They live their routine and anything outside of this reality is a fantasy land. Anyone who’s truly happy must not be living in the same world as they are because that just doesn’t exist. Does it?

So then why can some people really, honestly be happy? How is it possible that I stay positive as often as I do? There’s one simple word that sums up one’s ability to be as much of an eternal optimist as is realistic: Perspective.

Perspective, the ability to discern what’s a “big deal” and what isn’t. The ability to pick your battles, so to speak. The ability to see things how they are on a larger scale, and not how they appear to be in a small bubble.

The reality of the earth and the universe and the man-made conflicts our species creates for itself daily. And the ability to recognize these issues for what they are (or aren’t).

Perspective is the reason why I don’t get stressed out and become snappy toward the people I love. It’s why I can separate the stressful parts of my day from the enjoyable parts. It’s the reason why I can unwind after work, go to dinner, and forget about the tensions of the day without letting them infiltrate my down time.

Keeping things in perspective and understanding that we drive home in a car much of the world will never own, to a home much of the world will never live in, and eat food much of the world will never taste is a great first step to complaining less, and living more.

To stop noticing all of the things we lack and start appreciating all the things we have. To stop wasting time hating the people who hate us, and spend more time loving the people who love us. To stop looking for problems and start searching for solutions together.

To live, to love, to experience the journey. To turn up the volume on that song you love during your morning commute, because nobody said you’re required to be miserable on your way to work. To belt that song out so loudly your windows explode.

To smile to the sulking person next to you. To say hello to the person passing by you in the grocery store. To pay for someone’s coffee when they’re behind you in line. Nobody ever said you’re required to be miserable.

The secret to being an eternal optimist is simple: you choose it for yourself.

You will become depressed, you will be sad, you will face challenges in life, but you will know each and every time that you will come out stronger on the other side. If this is you, congratulations! You can pick up your optimism membership card at the door.

You can be happy — eventually — regardless of what you’re going through. Life will test you and challenge you, but it will never beat you. Always remember: tough times don’t last, but tough people do.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The Secret To Eternal Happiness Comes Down To This ONE Word.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/26/learn-how-perspective-can-lead-you-to-eternal-happiness/

How to Express Your Anger Effectively

When we’re angry, we yell, criticize, judge, shut down, give the silent treatment, isolate or say, “I’m fine!” (without of course being fine). These actions end up hurting both the other person and us. They feel bad, and we might feel worse. We might regret the insults and judgments we hurled their way. We might feel frustrated that we didn’t articulate the real reason behind our anger. We might feel frustrated that we weren’t heard.

Maybe we’re even afraid of anger in general because we associate it with aggression. But as Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D, RPsych, and Kim L. Gratz, Ph.D, write in their comprehensive book, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook for Anger: Using DBT Mindfulness & Emotion Regulation Skills to Manage Anger, “Aggression involves actions or statements that might be harmful to someone or something, whereas anger is an emotional state.”

Anger is an important emotion. It can be extremely energizing and motivating, write Chapman and Gratz. Anger “helps us protect ourselves, fight injustice and unfairness, defend our rights, and confront those who are mistreating us.” It also gives “you the fuel you need to break through barriers, persist, and work hard to achieve a goal.”

In The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook for Anger Chapman and Gratz share thoughtful, powerful skills for helping us express our anger effectively. Below are several spot-on tips from their book.

Use non-judgmental language.

Judgmental language includes words like “bad,” “wrong,” “jerk” or “selfish.” When someone uses these words to communicate their anger, most people get defensive or shut down. Plus, these words are inherently subjective and only fuel arguments. That’s why the authors suggest using facts, which people are more likely to respond to. Telling someone “When you said I was lazy, I felt hurt” is very different from telling them “You were a jerk last night.”

When you’re talking to someone, describe what angered you in neutral way. According to Chapman and Gratz, “For instance, rather than judging the person as ‘rude’ or ‘mean,’ objectively describe what that person said or did and how it made you feel.”

Because practice is key to expressing your anger effectively, they suggest writing about a recent experience that angered you. Write about the situation in the same way you’d describe it to a friend. Next circle your judgements and opinions. Then rewrite the description and replace those judgements with objective language and descriptions.

Use a non-aggressive tone.

Again, people are more likely to listen and respond calmly to you when you approach them calmly and respectfully. “If you approach someone in an aggressive manner, the natural response is to shut down, leave, or act aggressively in return,” write Chapman and Gratz. Avoid raising your voice or being aggressive in other ways.

The authors also suggest watching yourself in the mirror or recording yourself as you express your anger. This helps you get a better sense of your tone and demeanor. Another option is to practice in front of a loved one or therapist and ask them for feedback.

Assert your needs.

The first step in asserting your needs is to figure out what your needs actually are. The authors suggest asking these questions:

• “Do you want the person to do something different in the future or to change her or his behavior in some way?
• Do you want this person to understand where you’re coming from and apologize for some action?
• Do you want the person to work with you to come up with a solution to an ongoing problem?”

Next create a script. Talk about what angered you (again in a clear and objective way). Tell the person how you feel, using “I feel” and “I think” statements. State your needs and what you want as clearly and specifically as possible. Finally, mention how the person will benefit from doing what you need. For instance, it might make your relationship stronger or help you reduce conflict.

In addition, think about what compromises you’re willing to make if the other person can’t or won’t give you everything you want. And be sure to practice your script.

(For more information on the above skills, the authors suggest reading the Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder and DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan. She developed dialectical behavior therapy.)

Anger is a valuable emotion, even though we tend to see it as a problem. We think of anger as destructive. But anger is actually instructive. What deems it destructive or instructive is what we do with our anger. In other words, it depends on the actions we take. When we express our needs calmly and without judgement, we show respect to others and to ourselves — and maybe we even get our needs met.

Angry woman photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/26/how-to-express-your-anger-effectively/

Best of Our Blogs: February 26, 2016

The most hurtful thing I’ve had to accept is the person who held me back the most from my dreams, happiness and success was me.

Similarly, the things that prevent you from what you desire such as love, connection, and optimal health and wellness, may appear to be a burdensome past, critical relative or current illness. These are legitimate obstacles. But what keeps you from overcoming them is you.

Your resistance could be related to fear. It could be a lack of knowledge and awareness. It could be a lack of support. But the good news is that you have the tools to change things. May this list of top posts on everything from people-pleasing to abuse trigger the beginning of the end of your self-sabotaging behavior and towards a greater sense of support from and trust in yourself.

When Mom Makes You Feel Invisible
(Knotted) – If you are a people pleaser, this might be the reason. According to this post, daughters who grow up feeling ignored by their mothers may spend a lifetime trying to gain her attention and approval.

Understanding Passive-Aggressive Personality Trait
(The Exhausted Woman) – Is your passive-aggressive anger turning into a disorder? Read the traits, behaviors and symptoms of someone who has a passive-aggressive personality here.

The Invisible Cage Of Abuse: Protection Or Jailer?
(One Day You Will Roar) – You want to move on from the past, but continue to find yourself in abusive situations. This explains what keeps you locked in and how you can finally escape the cage of abuse.

6 Reasons Why Self-Diagnosis Should Never Happen
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – Do you find yourself googling your symptoms? Here’s why you should stop doing that.

The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Saying No
(Happily Imperfect) – What’s so bad about volunteering, and helping others? When it is the result of people pleasing. Here are a few softer ways to say, “No” so you can take back your life.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/26/best-of-our-blogs-february-26-2016/

Pictures of the day: 26 February 2016

VR headsets, beautiful cows and bottle feeding spring lambs








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Making Peace with Anxiety: From I Hate You to Thank You

I refuse to hate you. I’m not going to fight, scream or even resist, though that’s my knee-jerk reaction to you. Honestly, I greet you like a chirping alarm waking me from a deep sleep at 3 a.m.

I’m annoyed, afraid and enraged. Terror slips in whenever I feel threatened, and anxiety you do scare me. You never arrive with flowers or smiles or when everything is great.

Ever.

You don’t call to tell me you are on your way. You show up at my door with bags and bags like you might never leave. It makes it hard for me to breath.

You only come when the house is a mess and I’m feeling vulnerable.

But maybe you aren’t inconsiderate or rude. Maybe you are just doing your job.

You get my attention like little else can. You remind me my batteries need to be plugged in, recharged or even replaced.

Maybe you are a warrior worker bee sting-buzzing me awake rather than a threat I need to slap at?

Maybe you aim to save all that I am and I possess? What if you are a guardian seeking to protect me? Maybe you are a sacred signal, a meaningful messenger and a necessary alarm?

This isn’t some mind-twist perspective shift. Affirmations don’t work for me unless I believe them. I can’t buy greeting cards if I don’t agree with every word and line.  I can’t just wish suffering. I’m not pretending you don’t mess my plans or schedule or sleep or mood. You have. You do. I mean they aren’t called anxiety attacks because they are mild, gentle and soothing.

But maybe I’ve missed your point. No one ever talks you up, anxiety. Few say kind things. I’m starting to recognize your worth.

Maybe I’ve had you all wrong.

You come when I’m stressed out of my mind and have put myself on the back burner’s back burner in the other room. That is why it’s so hard to pull out the towels for you. You only come when I’m brutally depleted. But maybe that’s the point.

I’m starting to recognize your pattern. You really do have a routine. You aren’t a cruel punishment but maybe you are the bill that comes due after all the drinks and food have been devoured. Maybe you are the credit card in January when Christmas went on plastic.

You force me to confront the way I’ve neglected myself. You make me pay attention to the here and now. To my body. You help me get real and return to myself. The tension and my sensations. You show up when my breathing is shallow. You arrive when my thinking is frantic and fearful.

And the truth is, I do respond to you. You cause me to shift gears, to slow down and to stop running on fumes. You cause me to remember I’m a human not a machine. You cause me to reach out to others. You help me say “uncle” to trying to do it all myself.

You force me to remember self-care is a requirement and not a luxury. You help me remember I have post-traumatic stress and must nurture me on the most primal levels.

Eating. Sleeping. Feeling safe. Love.

I can treat these things as luxuries. They aren’t. They are prevention and they are cure. Both.

You aren’t my enemy. You are the leash keeping the puppy from running into the road even though the puppy gets frustrated.

No wonder fighting you never works. I’ve treated you like an opponent in the boxing ring I can clock out of my existence. I pummel and threaten and try to knock you out. It never works.

The Buddhist writer Cheri Huber said, “Nonacceptance is always suffering, no matter what you are not accepting. Acceptance is always freedom, no matter what you are accepting.”

Can I accept my anxiety? I that possible? Is that what’s happening and why I can feel anxious and o.k. at the same time.

I didn’t even know that was possible.

It’s not like the anxiety dissolves 100% or is immediately gone, but it is less terrifying and scary. I don’t feel hijacked and jumped and betrayed.

I still feel like me.

Me while anxious. Maybe anxiety is just a message? Maybe it’s an alarm I don’t love to be woken up by but can be grateful for nonetheless.

I’m not going to lie. I’m not all blissed out or totally at peace, but I’m not at war either. That’s something. I don’t want to jinx myself but, it’s kind of helping.

Thank you sign photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/25/making-peace-with-anxiety-from-i-hate-you-to-thank-you/

Why Are You Letting Your Smartphone Control Your Life? 6 Tips to Get it Back

We’re at an odd place in our relationship with the ever-increasing amount of technology around us. Some people seem to get along fine with it, using it as a helpful tool to enhance their lives.

But too many of us seem to have adapted our lives to cater to technology — which is exactly the opposite of the way it should be. And I’m not just talking about those with a deep-seated smartphone addiction.

Are you a slave to your smartphone? If so, why are you letting technology dictate to you how to interact with it?

I’m sitting at a cafe with a group of friends, we’re all about the same age, enjoying our beverages, laughing, talking. Then someone’s phone makes that bell sound. The immediate, Pavlovian-like response is for the owner to pick it up to check to see what it was notifying them of.

Pavlov — and Skinner — must be laughing in their graves.

We’ve become a society enslaved to our smartphone’s notifications. Because they promise something. The something is often an empty reminder that some random person whom you probably don’t even know has just liked your post. Or you’ve gotten another heart on your Instagram photo. Or JohnSmith79 just started following you on Twitter.

In real life, we’d never let a bunch of random reminders interfere with our work flow or concentration. Yet today, we’ve given the power of our mindfulness and sanity over to a piece of technology meant to enhance our lives, not diminish their meaning.

Don’t get me wrong. I love technology and the power it has to enable us to be closer to the ones we love, our friends, and our far-away family.

But I hate how too many of us have stopped to think about how we should choose to use that technology in our lives. Do we let it dictate to us, or do we dictate to it?

Using Your Smartphone Smartly

Here’s how to get some semblance of your life back from your iPhone or smartphone.

1. How many notifications are you receiving?

Start by becoming conscious of the amount of interruptions you’re allowing technology to make in your life. Most people receive at least a dozen notifications from their phone a day. If you have a lot of apps installed and set to default notifications, you may be receiving dozens — or even hundreds! That’s way too many for most people’s brains to readily handle (even if you think you’re an outlier and have a super brain!).

When your smartphone alerts you to something, it takes away from your attention. Even if you think “it’s just for a moment,” it has effectively reset your concentration and negatively impacts your cognitive performance (Stothart et al., 2015). If you feel dumber because of your smartphone, this is likely one of the reasons why. Track your daily notifications for a few days to get a handle on how big a problem it really is. You’ll likely be surprised.

2. Turn off all notifications from all apps.

While most app developers want your default to always be “Allow all notifications, always, for everything!” your psychology expert is telling you to just the opposite. Most apps don’t need that much access to your attention span.

A notification is, at its heart, an interruption in your life. What kind interruptions are so important that you want them to stop you from you’re doing at that very moment in your actual life to attend to it? A mom giving birth is the kind of thing I’m thinking of. Everything else? Not important enough to take me out of my actual living moment.

3. Choose your notifications wisely, sparsely.

Okay, so maybe there are some apps you want to allow you to give you some notifications. Choose such apps and notifications wisely. Consciously. And if the app still is sending you too many notifications or doesn’t give you the level of control you want, dump the app. Developers need to understand that the more control they give their users about how they’re contacted by the app, the happier (and more loyal) their users will ultimately be.

4. You are not a dog, so stop acting like one.

Pavlov’s historic experiment where he could get a dog to salivate to the sound of a metronome¹ in the expectation of food is an apt and prescient analogy for some people’s relationship with their smartphone. If every time your phone makes a sound, you respond to it almost immediately — no matter what the time or circumstance you find yourself in — you’re acting more like a dog than a rational human being. And such checking behavior could lead to “smartphone addiction,” according to van Deursen et al., 2015): “Automatic urges in which the smartphone is unlocked to check for notifications increase the chance to develop addictive behaviors.”

You are not a dog, so stop acting like one. Interact with your phone on your own time, and in a manner consistent with not being rude to those around you or whose company you’re in.

In a conversation and your phone chimes at you? Wait until the conversation is over to check it. Unless you’re a world-renowned heart surgeon, nothing life or death (or frankly, better) is waiting for you on your phone.

5. Are you choosing your phone over your relationship?

Some people are making some really odd choices in their lives. These people apparently believe that whatever their smartphone is telling them is more important than the person sitting right there, next to them, who is asking for their attention. What could be better than real-life, social interaction? That is the very nature of human beings — we are social creatures.

So enjoy the social experience you’re having right now, with a friend or loved one. Again, there is nothing better waiting for you on your smartphone.²

Some people want to check their phones for fear of missing out, or FOMO. The irony is that people who appear to check their phone more often for social networking — like Facebook or Instagram — may be at greater risk for “smartphone addiction” (Salehan & Negahban, 2013). So while you’re trying to keep in touch with your social circle online, you may be missing out alright — on what’s happening in your actual, real life.

6. Remember, your smartphone is a tool, not a chain.

The way some people interact with their phones leads me to believe they are chained to it — like a ball and chain — rather than using it like a chef who uses a well-honed knife in their craft. Would you rather be the kind of person who is control of the way you use technology, or allow technology to tell you how to live your life? Most of us would rather be the former, so start using your smartphone like the wildly versatile, miniature, always-connected computer it is. Use it in ways that enhance your life and make you feel better about the life you’re living. Pick it up when you choose to interact with it — not when it tells you to.

Only you can decide to take back control of your life from your smartphone. It’s a decision only you can make consciously for yourself. I encourage you to give it a try today.

 

References

Salehan, M. & Negahban, A. (2013). Social networking on smartphones: When mobile phones become addictive. Computers in Human Behavior, 29.

Stothart, C., Mitchum, A. & Yehnert, C. (2015). The Attentional Cost of Receiving a Cell Phone Notification. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Perception and Performance.

van Deursen, et al. (2015). Modeling habitual and addictive smartphone behavior The role of smartphone usage types, emotional intelligence, social stress, self-regulation, age, and gender. Computers in Human Behavior, 45.

Footnotes:

1. Pavlov never used a bell, a popular misconception. He did use an electric buzzer, which some referred to as a “bell,” likely starting the myth.
2. In the rare case that I’m wrong, so be it. Life is all about a series of hits and misses. Your belief that you can be there for every possible “hit” is irrational and can’t be sustained long-term.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/25/why-are-you-letting-your-smartphone-control-your-life-6-tips-to-get-it-back/

4 Tips for Discussing Your Relationship’s Future

When a relationship is shifting from casual to serious, there comes a moment when it’s necessary to discuss each person’s expectations for the future. Expectations, as I define them, are the aspects of your future you strongly believe will happen (as opposed to dreams, which may or may not come true).

Expectations are reflections of your closely-held beliefs about where your life is going. Expectations, when not met, can cause a grief that often surpasses the grief of not achieving a dream. Because they are so important — and can be so painful when not met — every couple should get to know each other’s expectations before becoming completely committed.

Below are four tips for getting the expectation conversation started, and for getting it back on track if you stumble upon something unexpected.

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Many couples who are getting serious have discussed the nut-and-bolts of their future — where they want to live, whether or not they want to have kids — but just as many gloss over the more subtle expectations embedded in these topics. To get at these more subtle expectations, ask open-ended questions, such as:

How would you want to raise your kid?

How would you expect us to handle our finances?

How do you want me to support you when you’re going through a hard time?

When you first ask your partner these questions, you’ll likely get a resounding “Huh?” That’s because it’s often weird at first. But not only is weird healthy, weird is what you’re going for! Weird means you’re covering territory you haven’t before.

And the beauty of weird conversations is: your partner really doesn’t know what the “right” answer is. They won’t know what you want to hear, so they’ll have no choice but to speak their truth.

2. Put a Weight on It

Once you start asking open-ended questions, you’ll discover you and your partner have some differing expectations about the future. Hopefully the conversation won’t unearth polar opposite opinions, but some variance is inevitable. So what should you do if your partner expects something from the future you disagree with? Put a weight on it.

Put a weight on it means: identify how much that expectation really matters to you (and to them). Rate on a scale of 1-10 how much you really care that this expectation works out the way you envisioned it — “1” meaning you actually don’t care at all and “10” meaning it’s of essential importance to you. Have your partner do the same. Then share your ratings and discuss.

You’ll find that it’s actually pretty rare for both partners to find the same expectation essentially important. Take, for example, a boyfriend’s expectation that his girlfriend will quit her job after they get married, but she’d rather keep working. He may only rate this a “6” in importance because he realizes this expectation is based on his parent’s example more than anything else. She may rate this a “10” because she considers her work an essential part of her identity.

By putting a weight on it, they’ve uncovered that this issue matters to her much more than it does to him, allowing her vision to take precedence.

3. Find the Overlap

If you find that you both really do care strongly about a certain expectation, it’s time to “find the overlap.” Finding the overlap means shelving the aspects where you disagree for the moment and building upon the aspects where you do agree. There’s almost always some aspect of an issue that two people can agree on.

For example, let’s say a couple is planning a wedding. He has always expected to have a rustic wedding and she has always envisioned an elegant affair. While these expectations may seem contradictory at first, if they dig in there’s surely something they can find in common.

Maybe he pictures “rustic” to mean outside and she can see “simple elegance” in a starry sky. The two of them just stumbled upon the perfect “Night Under the Stars” wedding theme… by finding the overlap.

4. Shift to Dreams

If you find yourselves at a major stand-still in regards to expectations, shift the conversation to dreams. Expectations are about what you assume will happen in the future, but dreams are about what you would secretly love to have happen in the future.

Shifting the focus to dreams can provide great perspective. For example, if you’ve both always had a dream of sailing all seven seas of the world – and can recognize the deep emotional bond you two share over this dream – it doesn’t matter too much who’s expected to do the dishes, does it?

Try out these simple tips and you’ll find that the conversations that flow from them are always valuable. You may discover something you definitely need to know before getting into the relationship too deeply. Or you’ll find even more evidence that you’re a perfect fit!

Happy couple photo available from Shutterstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/25/4-tips-for-discussing-your-relationships-future/

Pictures of the day: 25 February 2016

The Flying Scotsman, a ghostly aurora and a happy hippo








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Feeling Hopeless? 7 Ways You Can Become Your Own Hero

“You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” — Yogi Bhajan

Can you remember a time when you felt completely helpless?

I do. It was the day my daughter was diagnosed with a serious digestive illness. The doctor told us in the hospital chapel, and he acted like it was a death sentence. His one and only solution was to hand us sets of harsh prescriptions.

I was in shock, and I knew deep down that something just didn’t add up. Her symptoms hadn’t even been that severe, although she had lost a significant amount of weight. What was happening to my little girl?

I turned to some of the most highly respected specialists, hoping to stumble upon one who was willing and able to think outside the prescription pad. Instead, the best any of them could do was offer a pill of a different color.

At that point, doctors seemed more like villains than the heroes I was hoping for. So, I took matters into my own hands.

The journey was long, and we had many ups and downs. With every step forward, we had to take a step back. I became concerned that my daughter would never lead a normal life, but we kept going and never gave up.

Then, something amazing happened. After four long years, we finally found the missing piece of her complicated health puzzle. Not only did our persistence and determination pay off, but my daughter got her life back! Her digestive system had healed, and the future was bright once again.

It was a true miracle.

After that experience, I realized that I could overcome almost any obstacle, as long as I set my mind to it. Now I know that no matter how unbearable or hopeless a situation may initially seem, I have the power to do something about it.

You do, too.

Here’s how to unleash your inner superhero, if and when you’re faced with a serious challenge of your own.

1. Act Like a Sea Star, Not a Wounded Bird.

While a wounded bird usually can’t heal on its own, a sea star regenerates its own limbs. It doesn’t have to wait for another sea star, or a human, to come to the rescue.

Doctors backed me into a corner when they implied there was no alternative to their short sighted, one-size-fits-all solution. One even accused me of being a bad mom. That’s when I knew that I had to empower myself to help my daughter as best I could.

The bottom line:

You don’t always need someone or something else to help you overcome your obstacle. Yes, outside help can be beneficial. But you have the power within you to seek and potentially find solutions to your problem. First, you must acknowledge that you have tremendous power within. Then, and only then, can you take steps to unleash it.

2. Remember: The World Is Your Oyster.

Did you know that oysters form pearls as a way to protect themselves from foreign substances, such as sand? Well, you could say that you have “pearls of wisdom” that give you the power to protect yourself and your loved ones.

It all starts with trusting your gut instincts. If I had ignored mine early on, then I would have missed an important clue that doctors’ advice could be more harmful than helpful to my daughter. And I would not have given myself a chance to connect the many dots that ultimately set her health free.

The bottom line:

Listen to your inner voice. Not only is it there to protect you, but it can guide you toward people, places, information, and ideas that can transform your life.

3. Dive Deep Into the Research.

Just think about how many expert opinions, and stories of real and imaginary people who have walked in similar shoes, are available in books and online resources. But the best ones are not always easy to find.

I can’t tell you how many books and articles I’ve read ever since my daughter was diagnosed. Some were helpful; others were not. But there was one book that truly changed, and quite possibly even saved, my daughter’s life. And countless others as well.

The bottom line:

To become your own hero, go above and beyond surface level information. Reading the right book or article can not only relieve stress, but also provide you with valuable guidance that you probably won’t find anywhere else.

4. Avoid Becoming Overwhelmed.

On the other hand, so much information is available these days that exposing yourself to too much of it can actually work against you. Confusion can lead to indecision, which can easily prevent you from moving forward.

I caught myself going down the rabbit hole many times during those four years. Eventually, I learned to nip it in the bud, using simple stress-reduction techniques. I would practice deep breathing, go for a walk, listen to music, cook, or write. The time away allowed me to see things with a fresh perspective.

The bottom line:

Stress relief is crucial during challenging times, and especially when negative thinking patterns set in. Try different techniques, and set aside time for them every day, even if it’s only for a few minutes. The mental break will do you good, so don’t feel guilty taking it.

5. Learn From Your Mistakes. (We All Make Them!)

While every decision and action may seem like a monumental task, in reality, you will likely go through a lot of trial and error before you find a complete solution. Be patient with yourself.

During our four-year journey, I made decisions based upon the limited information I had at the time. Nothing was ever clear-cut. I moved forward, knowing I’d make mistakes. And in the end, those mistakes allowed me to connect important dots and make the necessary adjustments.

The bottom line:

Do not strive for perfection. Learn from mistakes and move on. Fully immerse yourself in the journey, without allowing fear to paralyze you along the way.

6. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help.

Sometimes, life can get so challenging that we isolate ourselves. And while a certain amount of alone time can be transformative, you should find a source of emotional support as well.

This was a tough one for me since most of my friends and family members just didn’t understand what I was going through, and seeing my daughter experience the same thing at such an awkward age was heartbreaking. But I got a lot of support from a handful of people, including some forward-thinking health care providers. I couldn’t have gotten through those four years without their help.

The bottom line:

Do what you need to do on your own, but don’t be afraid to ask for personal and/or professional support. Seek out people who lift you up, rather than pull you down.

7. Make Gratitude a Daily Habit.

When you stop and think about everything you have to be thankful for, the situation seems a lot less bleak. A little gratitude can go a long way. And true hero power cannot be unleashed without it!

It was my gratitude for having been blessed with such a wonderful family that fueled my every action during our four-year journey. I was reminded of it every day, when I looked at my two beautiful children. At times, I felt like a lion protecting her cub. Love motivated me from the core of my soul, each and every day.

The bottom line:

Every day, count on one hand five good things that are happening in your life. May they remind you of the five arms of a sea star. Jot them down in a journal, so you can revisit them anytime.

—

Do you believe you can become your own hero?

It’s not as hard as you might think.

And you don’t have to risk your life to do so.

Looking back on my experience with my daughter, it wasn’t any one grand, heroic gesture that turned her life around. It was small, consistent actions taken by both of us that ultimately got us where we needed to go.

It was our faith in a positive outcome, even when the path was unclear.

So, if and when life ever throws you a hopeless challenge, know that you can face it head on and make it through to the other side.

All you have to do is have faith in yourself, and make the decision to try.

Because no matter how difficult a situation may be and how helpless you may initially feel, there’s always hope. Even if you’ve hit rock bottom and have lost all faith in many of the people around you, the one person you can always count on is you.

As a true American hero, Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.”

If you believe in yourself, there’s nothing you can’t do!

This article courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/24/feeling-hopeless-7-ways-you-can-become-your-own-hero/

The Quandary of Being Falsely Accused and How to Deal with It

Attending Catholic school in Brooklyn, I felt loved by the Catholic nun who was my second grade teacher. But one cold morning that suddenly changed.

We were lining up to enter the classroom when the nun suddenly came up to me, shouting “Spit out the gum!” Being an obedient Catholic boy, I’d never consider flaunting the no-gum rule, so I was stunned by the accusation. Defend myself, I replied, “I’m not chewing gum!”

I was confident that my protestation would clear things up. But my innocence was shattered again: “You are chewing gum,” the nun insisted. “Don’t lie!” Ouch! I could feel my stomach churning and a horrible sinking feeling to be assaulted by a second accusation. Dare I protest again?

Something in me trusted that if I kept speaking the truth, justice would prevail. Mustering some sheepish courage, I muttered: “But I’m not lying… look!” I opened my mouth so that she could witness the lack of evidence. The final blow to my dignity and innocence descended when she coldly responded, “That’s because you just swallowed it.”

Yikes! Nothing I could say or do would disabuse her of her perception. I was in an emotional prison with no “get-out-of-jail-free” card. I felt powerless, helpless — a sorry character in a Kafka-esque nightmare. Exasperated and hurt, my relationship with her was never the same again.

Looking back, I see this episode as an initiation into the rough and tumble of real life, where oftentimes we’re not seen as we really are. Being condemned as guilty evoked the shame of being falsely accused, disrespected, and bad. In psychological terms, I recognize this incident as an early attachment injury — a relational trauma that, if unrepaired, tends to be carried into our adult lives and relationships.

If you can identify with my experience, know that you’re not alone. The first step toward healing old shame and attachment trauma is to recognize it. There’s nothing shameful about acknowledging the multiple ways we’ve been injured in our lives — and realizing how it has affected our tender heart.

Softening Our Wound Activation

As a marriage and family therapist, I often see couples who unknowingly step into the minefield of each other’s old wounds. False indictments of having an affair or being attracted to other men or woman, or other bogus accusations can reactivate old traumas. It’s impossible to defend oneself when the accuser’s mind is made up. There’s no way to produce evidence of one’s innocence. Continued protestations fall flat when a partner insists that they’re right and that you’re in denial.

How can we deal with such a quandary? Responding defensively to false accusations may only add fuel to the unfounded attacks. But saying nothing may convey that we’re guilty as charged.

Here are some guidelines that may help soften the cycle of accusations and defensiveness. And, of course, couples therapy may be helpful when couples reach such an impasse.

1. Be Gentle with Your Old Wounds

When you are feeling falsely accused, notice whether old wounds are getting activated. Does this remind you of something that’s happened in the past? Is it evoking the pain of not being seen or is it reminding you of painful breaches of trust?

If old, painful memories are surfacing, be gentle with yourself. Practice self-soothing by taking some slow, deep breathes. Bring a friendly mindfulness toward the sensations in your body that are getting activated, holding these feelings in a caring, gentle way.

2. Be Sensitive to Each Other’s Wounded Places.

We all carry old attachment wounds. Revealing old wounds — letting your partner see your areas of vulnerability and sensitivity — may evoke empathy and understanding. Then, when you’re being falsely accused or attacked, you might reveal what’s getting touched in you rather than getting defensive or irate.

Maybe say something like: “When you ask if I’m having an affair, it really hurts me. I don’t know how to reassure you that I’m not. It touches an old place of not being seen and trusted.”

Perhaps your partner’s accusations are signaling old betrayal wounds or not receiving enough verbal reassurance or affection. If these wounds and needs were uncovered and expressed more directly, they might be heard more easily. If your partner is not able to express this, do your best to be gentle with their felt sense of insecurity, as well as being more present in the relationship.

3. Know that You’re on Solid Ground.

When you’re falsely accused, know that this there is something going on with your partner. Perhaps some old hurt is getting activated. Take a deep breath, stay in your body, and realize that this is about them, not about you.

Knowing that you’re on solid ground may help you to self-soothe rather than feeling compelled to defend yourself — assuming that you are on solid ground (there is no affair, etc.). Maintaining your sense of self-worth and not succumbing to shame, you’re better positioned to hear the deeper feelings or insecurities that your loved one is trying to convey, even if their manner of delivery is hard to hear.

Close relationships are the place where our deepest longings arise — and where our fear of loss of connection can be activated. Being gently attentive to what is arising within ourselves and being empathic to our partner’s wounds can help heal old injuries, build trust, and deepen intimacy.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/02/24/the-quandary-of-being-falsely-accused-and-how-to-deal-with-it/