True Story: One Father’s Struggle with Postpartum Depression

Dads get the “baby blues” too.

People might not realize this, but, after the birth of a child, both women and men can encounter symptoms of postpartum depression. I’m speaking from experience here.

After the birth of my daughter, which endures as one of the happiest moments of my life, I found myself struggling with unexpected waves of anxiety, fear, and depression.

It was horrible, and what made it worse, was that I was very uncomfortable talking about it.

8 Heartbreaking Secrets ALL Men Keep From The Women They Love

Here’s why — don’t you hate it when a couple says “we’re pregnant”?

I do. Because the dude isn’t pregnant. He’s not going to have to squeeze a bowling ball out of his downstairs business, so, c’mon, give credit where credit is due — SHE is pregnant and the guy is along for the ride.

I’ve never liked it when a man tried to make the pregnancy about him. He plays a part, sure, but, I was always of the opinion that, as a guy, there is NO way that I can ever comprehend the physical and emotional toll of pregnancy, so my role was to sit back, be supportive, and shut up.

And, for the most part, I think that strategy works.

However, I wasn’t prepared for how “shutting up” would negatively impact me AFTER my wife gave birth.

Because becoming a parent stirs up deep, powerful emotions. And, while many of those feelings are overwhelmingly sunny and positive, they can, sometimes, cast a shadow. Those epic highs lend themselves to equally epic lows and, suddenly, you find yourself crying and you don’t know why.

Once we brought my daughter home, I found myself confronted with those overpowering moments of terror and panic and I didn’t say anything about them.

Why? Because my wife had just gone through a freakin’ c-section. She’d spent almost a year getting sick every day, while a living creature grew in her belly, and then doctors had to cut her open to pull the creature out. They then sewed her up, handed her the creature, and expected that she’d know how to feed and care for it.

That’s a lot of shit to put on a person. No question — my wife had it WORSE than I did. There’s no comparison.

However, just because things were harder for my wife doesn’t mean that they weren’t also hard for me. She might win the miserable contest, hands down, but I was still in a really bad place. And I was too embarrassed to let my support network know that I needed them.

The more I’ve talked to new fathers, the more common I realize this experience is.

We’ve all just watched our partners go through one of the most intense physical experiences in the world, so we just feel ashamed to admit that we’re hurting a little too. It feels like our struggles are frivolous in comparison, but the fact is they’re very, very real and painful. Postpartum depression can be painfully real for men too, even if it’s embarrassing.

It all came to a head for me the first evening I spent alone with my daughter.

I’d encouraged my wife to go out with some friends — she’d only consented to leave for a few hours — and told her I’d be fine. Our baby was so good and happy. A little alone time was going to be good for us.

So she left. And my daughter started crying. She rarely cried.

And she cried, as if she’d been set on fire, for three hours non-stop.

I was beside myself. She never did this and, no matter what I tried, I could not get her to stop.

It shredded me, but I knew I couldn’t call my wife. I wanted her to have a fun first night out. I didn’t want her to worry. I was supposed to able to handle this.

My wife called me when she was leaving to come home, and I guess she heard the panic in my voice. She asked if I was OK. My voice cracked and I said, “Just please get here soon.”

She raced home and, the SECOND she stepped into our apartment, my daughter stopped crying. The baby smiled. The baby laughed. The baby goddamn cooed.

I handed her to my confused wife without a word, went into our bedroom, locked the door, laid down on the bed, and cried for thirty minutes.

Once I opened the door again, my wife and I had our first conversation about my postpartum depression.

I will say, my depression was extremely manageable in comparison to some stories I’ve heard. It came in waves that seemed to grow smaller and smaller as I became more comfortable as a father. So I was lucky.

Lucky it wasn’t more severe and lucky that my partner was so supportive (even though, again, she had it SO much worse than I did).

My Kids Like Their Dad More Than They Like Me

But, more than anything, it really opened my eyes about the importance of men needing to talk about postpartum depression.

It doesn’t just happen to women. It is important. And it is valid and OK acknowledge that you’re not feeling right, even when you know your partner is feeling worse.

Men — don’t be afraid to speak up about your anxiety and emotions following the birth of a child.

The healthiest thing you can do, for everyone, is get your feelings out into the open and let your support network do their job, even if they’re breastfeeding and changing diapers while they do it.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Yes, Men Suffer From Postpartum Depression Too (Trust Me, I Know).

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/31/true-story-one-fathers-struggle-with-postpartum-depression/

Dealing with the Looming Cloud of the Possibility of Early Death

Five years ago, I had breast cancer. To rid myself of it, I had chemotherapy, radiation and a double mastectomy.

Flash forward five years. One day, I noticed a strange, bright red splotch on my breast, the breast where the cancer had been. The doctor did a biopsy of it, and the results came back malignant. It was an angiosarcoma, and the suspected cause was the radiation treatment I’d had five years before. This was a very rare form of cancer that, again, results sometimes from the radiation itself. That which was meant to heal me, made me ill.

On June 10, 2016, I had surgery to remove the cancer.

Fine and dandy. They got clean margins. Then, something awful happened. I was told that I had to have a CT scan to see if the cancer had spread throughout my body. (Nobody told me this beforehand.)

Enter fear, despair and disappointment. Enter the possibility of cancer and, therefore, the possibility of early death.

How am I dealing with this looming cloud of grief that is hanging over my head?

Below are some of my most useful techniques.

Ignore

I know it’s there, but I push the fear out of my mind. This is kind of like swatting away a nasty fly. You wave your hand, and the pesky insect disappears for a second. Repeat the process ad infinitum.

Wallow

Cry, cry, cry, worry, worry, worry. You cry until you have bruises under your eyes. The worry makes you physically sick.

Tranquilize

Lorazepam and chocolate ice cream. When you can deal with the threat no longer, you pop an Ativan. To your surprise, eating chocolate ice cream with real chocolate pieces does the same thing as the pill does.

Laugh

My cousin, Mary, volunteers at a hospice. She tells me that she makes ice cream sundaes for the patients every Saturday night. You say you might be in that hospice soon. She tells you she will make you an ice cream sundae every Saturday. You both laugh. Chuckling helps, but also gives you a strange, eerie feeling.

Forget

Get so busy that you forget. The house needs cleaned. The laundry needs done. The dinner needs cooked. By engaging in the day-to-day necessities, you somehow fail to remember your situation.

Shop

Retail therapy helps everything. You go to JC Penney in search of brown, V-neck, short-sleeved tee shirts. You’ve previously been to every store in a ten-mile radius and haven’t been able to locate them. You find the shirts! Your great retail success wipes out all bad thoughts. Sometimes shopping can cure anything.

Pray

Ask God for help. This is my most used technique in dealing with my fear of cancer. Jesus saves. He created the universe. He can save me from metastasis.

Talk

Enlist the voices of friends. Dissecting all the ins and outs of the issue with my best buddies is hugely relieving.

Commiserate

Diane, my close friend, also has cancer. Talking to her, who is fighting the same battle I am, is an exquisite balm for the pain I’m feeling. She tells you that she feels that her ship is sinking. I say mine is, too. Sharing this little cliché is like taking Taxol or B17 (depending on your point of view.)

Hope

I hang onto any shred of positivity I can find. I found the cancer early on. I had it cut out in its early stages. The cancer was very small and only on the surface of the skin.

Mother

I tell myself, “If I have cancer, everything will be OK.” Sometimes, we have to be our own Mom. Coo “Everything will be fine.”

Deal

Face reality. Sing “Stop Your Sobbing.” Chrissie Hynde to the rescue.

Write

Writing is my true salvation. Analysis and evaluation, with a bit of humor thrown in, are keys. Hence this little blog post.

In a few days, I’ll know whether I have more cancer in my body or if I’m cancer-free. I’ll discover the answer to the current huge question of my life.

Until then, I’ll continue to use these little strategies to get through the day.

It could be worse. I could be drowning my sorrows in food or alcohol or illicit drugs. But over the years, I’ve developed self-control with what I put into my body.

Ironically, exercise is not on this list. And we all know exercise is an excellent stress killer.

In truth, I’m too weak from the surgery to exercise.

It’s as simple as this: I will keep calm, and employ the techniques above.

What else is a body to do?

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/31/dealing-with-the-looming-cloud-of-the-possibility-of-early-death/

5 Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner

Romantic relationships are a challenge for everyone.

No matter how great couples look on Facebook, no matter how many loving, hugging, kissing photos you see of your friends, no intimate relationship is trouble free.

That’s because of two facts that are in complete conflict with each other:

Fact #1: All of us have inborn needs for love, care, and attention, which when not met trigger core emotions of anger and sadness in the brain. Over time, we can defend against these needs in a variety of ways. But that doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t happening  —  we’ve just blocked them from conscious experience.

Fact #2: People in relationships cannot realistically meet all of the needs of their partner.

Given these two facts, inevitably there will be times when we feel unloved, uncared for, unappreciated, hurt and angered. That is not bad. That is not good. This just is!

Research by The Gottman Institute showed that how we handle conflict is a major predictor of relationship longevity. We can become pros at handling conflict. But, we must pick a partner that will work with us to build a long and satisfying relationship.

Below are 5 qualities to look for in a partner. These qualities help ensure you will be able to move through the tough times and even grow closer as a result.

1. The Capacity for Empathy

Empathy is the ability and willingness to put yourself in the skin of another person and imagine how THEY feel. Without a capacity for empathy, treating you with compassion, kindness and consideration will likely not be a priority for your partner.

2. Humor

When relationships are strained, humor can diffuse a struggle and transform a moment from bad to better.

For example, Wayne knew just the right time to use humor with Jenna. He could tell when her mood shifted for the worse. Jenna all of a sudden became critical of Wayne, nitpicking at things she usually didn’t mind. Wayne could sense Jenna was irritated with him.

Instead of getting defensive or withdrawing, two strategies that rarely help, he would say to her with warmth in his eyes and a goofy voice, “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”

His question stopped Jenna dead in her tracks and forced her to reflect. “Am I trying to pick a fight?” she asked herself. “Yes, I guess I am.”

His humor made it possible for her to become aware of and own her anger. Now that her anger was conscious, she could figure out what was bugging her and talk about it with Wayne directly. She would not have been able to do that were it not for his lighthearted humorous “invitation” to talk.

Humor is not always the right approach. But when it works, it works well.

3. The Willingness to Keep Talking.

Two people who love each other and who are motivated to stay together have the power to work out all conflicts. Working out conflicts, however, takes time, patience, and skillful communication. Partners have to find common ground or be all right with agreeing to disagree.

It takes a while to resolve conflicts because there can be many steps to cover until both people feel heard. Talking involves clarifying the problem, understanding the deeper meaning and importance of the problem, making sure each partner understands the other’s position, allowing for the emotions the topic evokes for each person, conveying empathy for each other, and brainstorming until a solution that feels right for both people is found.

Problems have to be talked out until both people feel better.

4. Understands the Basics of How Emotions Work.

During strife, emotions are running the show. Emotions are hard-wired in all of our brains the same way. No matter how smart or clever we are, no one can prevent emotions from happening, especially in times of conflict and threat. It is only after emotions ignite that we have some choice about how to respond. Some people react immediately, indulging their impulses. That is how fights escalate. Others pause to think before they act. Thinking before we speak or act is best because it gives us much more control over the outcome of our interactions.

Without an understanding of emotions, your partner won’t understand you as well and he might criticize you for your feelings or react badly.

Honoring emotions does not mean you take care of you partner’s emotions at the expense of your own, for that leads to resentment. Honoring your partner’s emotions also does not mean you allow yourself to be abused. It does mean that you care when your partner is upset and try to help.

5. Understands the Importance of Establishing Ground Rules.

In the beginning of a relationship, things usually go smoothly. But when the courtship period ends, differences and disagreements start to come up. Before conflicts emerge, it is a good idea to talk about establishing a set of ground rules for arguments.

Ground rules are the rules for how to fight constructively.

The goal here is to learn specific ways that you can help each other in the midst of a disagreement. For example, you can agree to talk in a calm voice versus shouting at each other.

In setting ground rules, the idea is to anticipate conflict and arguments and rehearse how to do damage control. Your partner learns how NOT to make matters worse for you; and you learn how NOT to make matters worse for him. Because each of you is the expert on yourself, you teach each other what you need when you feel bad, sad, angry, and the like.

Everyone has different triggers.

An eye roll can send one person over the edge while an eye roll has no affect on the other partner at all. So a ground rule might be DON’T ROLL EYES. Actions like: walking out on a person in the middle of a discussion, threatening divorce, making your partner jealous, diminishing each other with insults, or being physically aggressive are all examples of highly threatening moves that trigger primitive survival reactions in the brain. No good ever comes from that. I recommend that together you write down your ground rules.

Finding a partner with these 5 qualities may not be easy. And, you will have to be somewhat vulnerable, summoning courage to talk about these qualities. Hold on to the belief that you are worth it and you deserve to be in a mutually satisfying relationship. Also hold on to the fact that many people in the world, women and men alike, want loving partnerships. The 5 qualities above will guide you in finding your loving partner.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/31/5-qualities-to-look-for-in-a-life-partner/

Practical Tips for Overcoming Performance Anxiety

Over the summer, my father happened to meet Livingston Taylor at a conference, and he was so impressed by his presence that he urged me to look him up. What I discovered is that Livingston Taylor — brother of James Taylor — is a singer-songwriter and a professor — he teaches a class on Stage Performance at Boston’s Berklee College of Music.

I watched some of his videos on stage performance, and I also read his book, Stage Performance. Just last week, Elizabeth and I did our second live show for the Happier podcast, in Seattle. It was great, and thinking about Taylor’s tips was a big help.

I love practical advice.

11 Tips for Improving Your Stage Performance

1.  Focus on the audience. See them, hear them, look out at them. As part of this…
2. Acknowledge where you are. What venue, what city?
3. Remember that your performance is just one aspect of the audience’s experience, which is also colored by the people they’re with, what else they’ll do with their day, etc.
4. Manage stage fright by thinking about others’ experience, instead of your own discomfort.
5. Stay flexible. Be responsive to the audience and whatever happens. (This is very, very tough for me.)
6. Stillness is essential to establishing control; be willing to be still.
7. If you’re tense, your audience will be tense. If you’re still and at ease, your audience will feel that way, too.
8. Because it’s important to be at ease, use material that you’re comfortable with, so that you can be present in the performance, instead of struggling with your performance. (This one surprised me — so often we’re told to challenge ourselves at every turn, but Taylor points out that meeting a challenge makes it hard to be aware of the audience.)
9. Watch out for white noise — air conditioners, ventilation systems, anythings that affects sound.
10. Direct your attention to the people at the most distant parts of the room, then gradually work your way forward — you don’t want to lose people in the back because you’re preoccupied with the ones closest to you.
11. Accept applause. Don’t use “thank you” as a signal that your performance is over. Rather, at the end, be still, take a slight bow to signal the end, then if they applaud, thank them. Along the same lines, at the beginning, be still, give a slight bow, accept applause.

In my experience, one of the hardest thing to master? Accepting applause. It’s a great problem to have, but it’s a challenge to do it gracefully.

At some point, just about all of us have to get up in front of a group and perform — whether it’s a toast at a wedding, an announcement at a parents’ meeting, a presentation before colleagues, a pitch for clients, or a speech at a conference. Fear of public speaking or performance is a big happiness stumbling block.

What other tips do you use to help yourself feel more comfortable performing, and to do a better job?

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/30/practical-advice-for-overcoming-performance-anxiety/

What to Expect When You Love a Woman with ADHD

“We are stronger and smarter than our reactive selves.” I wrote this in an article shared on elephant journal, and I was referring to our intellectual self — versus our reactive self. I received many questions and comments about this statement, so I took some time to reflect and dig further about what this means to me. And as a woman with ADHD (inattentive subtype), it is a daily struggle to control my impulses from reacting quickly.

I trust my “intellectual self;” she has solid judgment, but my reactive self can be stronger. Almost as though my mind and my body are in constant conflict.

As humans, all of us have the capacity to feel genuine, deep thoughts and emotions. As we mature, our brain, and intellectual self, helps to guide us. But, sometimes our emotions can feel so strong that we don’t take the time to stop and process what our brain is telling us, or maybe we don’t want to accept it?

ADHD in children is a popular topic because many children possess characteristics of ADHD, especially their lack of impulse control. A visual example is to picture a TV sitcom where the character needs to make an important decision. The person’s inner angel sits on one shoulder whispering wise advice, while his/her inner devil tugs on the other shoulder offering more fun, yet risky advice. And this is when our reactive self takes over our actions.

My emotions have become stronger as an adult, and my ADHD has not disappeared. I am proud to feel so passionately about the people in my life and my career, and that I have developed the courage to speak my mind more easily. Although this is healthy, I have also found that it is much harder for me to accept a frustrating situation. Intellectually I am aware and I know remaining calm and in control is always best; yet I still react too quickly when I feel a situation is out of my control. This mostly occurs in regard to the relationships in my life versus my professional life; probably because I’m selective about who I allow to enter my world, and my connection with them becomes extremely passionate.

I am certain that I am not the only one who has severed friendships and sabotaged romantic relationships; more than likely caused by my explosive temper and harsh words. I believe there is a great lack of understanding about ADHD in adults, and the impact it has on our ability to react in a healthy manner during stressful situations. And when my reactive self takes over because of disappointment or feeling insecure, there is no stopping her.

I am hopeful that through my disclosure and offering some suggestions, I can provide more understanding when connected to a woman with ADHD. And I refer mostly to those in love with her…

Capturing the love of a woman with ADHD can be a surmountable experience. However, along with this loving journey, there will most likely be some frustrating behaviors. Her partner may feel enamored with her affection and attentiveness, but there will be times when she seems distracted. This does not mean she isn’t listening, or that her partner is unimportant. At times, her senses need to be engaged in multiplicity and she is probably hearing every word said; even if she is cleaning the kitchen or moving furniture around!

An ADHD woman may often appear disorganized. Perhaps there are several unfinished projects in the making. Try to stay relaxed and go along with her flow. This is not hurting anyone and she will complete these projects in her own unique timeframe. Her office or closet may look like a tornado hit, but she knows where to find what she needs. Allowing her to claim her own physical space can be helpful.

She will often be late. This does not mean she is being disrespectful or lacking the seriousness of where she needs to be. Her concept of time is different. Maintaining a high level of patience is necessary to prepare for this. Keep a healthy sense of humor to try and help her be more prepared.

Lastly, and most importantly, her mood or emotions seem to move from one side of the spectrum to the other almost instantly. If she becomes upset or angry, she may be quick to say hurtful and disheartening things. Her partner needs to be understanding and forgiving, and know the difference is that someone without ADHD also thinks derogatory thoughts, but their ability to refrain from saying it aloud is much stronger. I know firsthand that she will feel apologetic and angry with herself for losing control.

Of course everyone has his/her own unique qualities, and not all women will possess the same ADHD characteristics that I have mentioned. Generally, we are intellectual, ambitious, and persistent. Loving us means that our partner will constantly be entertained, have a lot of fun, and feel truly loved.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/30/what-to-expect-when-you-love-a-woman-with-adhd/

You’re Depressed, But Are You Depressed Depressed?

Depression is a slippery word. Like many mental health terms, the way people use it in everyday speech doesn’t always line up with the clinical meaning of the word.

We might say: “This year’s presidential election is depressing.” It’s understood, of course, that we aren’t literally claiming the electoral process has triggered a serious mood disorder that’s interfering with our day-to-day functioning.

In other cases, the line between colloquial “depression” and clinical depression gets a little more subtle. What’s the difference between being depressed and having a really bad day — or a really bad month for that matter?

Because people talk about being “depressed” to mean anything from having a clinical disorder to just being in a bad mood, it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming clinical depression and colloquial “depression” are more or less the same thing.

This is one way stigma starts. “When I feel depressed, I just remind myself of all the good things in my life and snap out of it — why can’t you do that? I don’t need any pills!”

Clinical depression is different though. Clinical depression is persistent, and it’s intense enough to cause ongoing impairments in your everyday functioning.

Imagine the most demoralized, sad and hopeless you’ve ever felt. That time when you were so down you couldn’t get anything done and didn’t want to interact with any other people. That moment in and of itself isn’t necessarily “depression” in a clinical sense. But if you think about what it would be like to feel that way for weeks on end, maybe not even for any particular reason, that’s getting warmer.

There’s another nuance here that makes things a little more complicated. One person’s clinical depression isn’t always the same as another’s. Some people with depression sleep too much, others have insomnia. Some eat too much, others lose their appetites. Besides sadness and hopelessness, depression can manifest as other emotions like anger or irritability.

In this Ask the Therapist video, Marie Hartwell-Walker and Daniel Tomasulo go over some of the defining characteristics of clinical depression, including what makes depression different than just being in a bad mood and how depression can show up differently in different people:

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/30/youre-depressed-but-are-you-depressed-depressed/

How Can Childhood Emotional Neglect Make You a Stronger Adult?

All it takes is growing up in a household where your feelings don’t matter enough.

With their heads held high but their spirits lower than should be, they walk among us.

“I don’t need any help,” they say with a smile. But “what do you need?” they ask others with genuine interest.

Loved and respected by all who know them, they struggle to love and respect themselves. These are the people of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).

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What is Childhood Emotional Neglect, or CEN? It’s a simple but powerful force in the life of a child. All it takes is growing up in a household where your feelings don’t matter enough.

Typically, I write about the special challenges of the emotionally abused or neglected, such as self-blame, self-directed anger, and low self-compassion. That’s because I want to help the people of CEN overcome them.

But truth be told, the emotionally neglected are some of the strongest adults I have ever met. Yes, it’s hard to believe, but there is a bright side to growing up emotionally ignored.

So now I’d like to highlight the particular strengths you likely have if you grew up this way. Here are five uncommon strengths of the emotionally neglected.

1. They Are Independent.

Growing up you knew, even though it was perhaps never said out loud, that you were essentially on your own. Problem with a teacher? You solved it. Conflict with a friend? You figured it out yourself. Your childhood was a training ground for self-sufficiency. Now, as an adult, you prefer to do things yourself. Because you’re so very competent, the great thing is that for the most part, you can.

2. They Are Compassionate.

As a child your feelings were far too often ignored. But that probably didn’t stop you from feeling for others. Research has shown that even young babies feel empathy.

I have noticed that many people who were emotionally neglected in childhood have decreased access to their own feelings, but extra sensitivity to other people’s feelings. Compassion is a powerful, healing, and bonding force. And you have it in spades.

3. They Are Extremely Giving.

Having received a scarce amount of emotional acknowledgment and validation in childhood, you learned not to ask for things. Part of being independent and compassionate is that you are more aware of others’ needs than you are of your own. So now as an adult, you don’t ask for a lot, but you do give a lot.

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4. They Are Flexible.

As a child, you were probably not often consulted. Instead of being asked what you wanted or needed, you had no choice but to adjust to the situation at hand. So now, all grown up, you’re not demanding, pushy or controlling. Instead, you’re the opposite. You can go with the flow far better than most people. And you do.

5. They Are Likeable.

The people of Childhood Emotional Neglect are some of the most likable in this world. Compassionate, giving and selfless, you are the one your friends seek out when they need help, advice or support. You are there for your family and friends, and maybe even strangers, too.

Others know that they can rely on you. Are you ever puzzled about why people like you? It’s because you have these five unmistakably lovable qualities.

Many CEN people are secretly aware of their great strength, and value it in themselves.

“I don’t need help,
I don’t need anything,
I can handle it,
I’ll take care of it,
I’ll be fine with whatever you decide,
I’m strong,
they say.”

If this is true of you, the idea of changing yourself can be frightening. You don’t want to feel dependent on anyone, including a therapist, friend or spouse. You’re afraid of appearing needy, or weak, or helpless. You have a grave fear of becoming selfish.

But here is the beauty of CEN: Your strengths are so enduring that you can make them even better by balancing them.

So you remain independent, but you lose your fear of depending on someone when you need to. You remain as competent as you’ve always been, but you’re OK with asking for help when you need it.

You stay flexible and can go with the flow, but you are also aware and mindful of your own needs. You can still handle things. You’re just as strong as ever. More balanced and more open, you’re still loved and respected by all who know you.

And the great thing is that now you also love and respect yourself.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The 5 Uncommon Strengths Of The Emotionally Neglected.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/29/how-can-childhood-emotional-neglect-make-you-a-stronger-adult/

10 Ways to Beat Frustration

Frustration may be commonplace, but it isn’t inevitable. Furthermore, there are constructive things you can do to get past it. Before you give up and give in to this insidious emotion, check out these 10 ways to beat frustration.

1. You always need a plan.

It may be tempting to wing it, coming up with an approach on the fly, but this is no way to deal with attempting to achieve goals. Without a solid plan, you’re left adrift, vulnerable to the first strong challenge or obstacle in your path.

Not only do you always need a plan, you also need a backup plan. With more than one plan, you have options. Knowing you have choices when one approach falters or fails gives you more control. This increases your self-confidence at the same time as it reduces your level of frustration.

2. Resolve to stay flexible.

Having a plan, while highly recommended, doesn’t mean rigidly adhering to it even when it proves unworkable. Frustration sets in when you try to force a plan to work. Not only does stress build from mounting frustration, anxiety also increases as you see your plan slipping further away.

You need to stay open to new ideas, to be willing to modify your plan and capitalize on opportunities that present themselves. When you resolve to stay flexible, you’re more likely to recognize opportunities that come along, see solutions within challenges and be more creative in reorganizing or prioritizing tasks. With practice, you should be able to diminish your level of frustration.

3. Make reasonable expectations.

If you consistently take on challenges you know you’re not ready for, frustration is bound to set in. Not only that, but you’ll defeat your goals at the same time. How do you get around this? The answer is to make reasonable expectations. While you may want to go for the toughest task just to prove you’re up for the challenge, now may not be the best time to do so. Start with ones you’re more suited for, that you know you can accomplish on a short-term basis, are familiar with, and have the knowledge and skill level to be able to complete.

4. Lighten up.

Frustration exacts another unfortunate toll: It makes everything seem so serious. All your mistakes become magnified, taking on too much importance. It may seem like nothing you do works out right, which only adds to your frustration. When this occurs, you need to lighten up. It isn’t the end of the world if you don’t accomplish your goal right now. And you’re not a failure because of it either. Learn to take things in stride. This will help you cut down on frustration that keeps you from achieving your goals.

5. Learn from all your mistakes.

Instead of running from your mistakes, take some time to glean the lessons you need to learn from them. And there are always lessons. Sometimes it’s easier to gloss over them, but that may mean you’ll repeat the mistakes. Granted, it’s frustrating to make mistakes and no one relishes them. But the mistake may be an opportunity for you to slow down and think things through before rushing ahead. Learn from all your mistakes. It will help you cut down on the frustration that almost always accompanies them.

6. Be positive.

When something fails, you can look on the bright side or the side of failure. Always seeing things in a negative light reinforces the sense of frustration, while finding the positive helps frustration to dissipate.

Another reason to be positive is that the more positive you are, the easier it is to be positive in the face of difficulties and challenges. If you want to beat frustration and achieve your goals, be positive.

7. Network where it counts.

It might seem odd to advise being selective about networking. Yet the truth is that spending too much time networking can add to your level of frustration. Instead of scattering your energy, target where to network most effectively. You’ll reduce the frustration of trying to be everywhere at once and likely make contacts that will prove more beneficial.

8. Explore new approaches.

Falling back on the same plan you’ve always used may backfire. Even if it doesn’t, you might be wasting an opportunity to discover something new. Be willing to keep an open mind, experiment with new approaches, get outside your comfort zone. Having a healthy curiosity is also beneficial and helps to lower levels of frustration. Besides, life is a lot more fun when you’re eager to explore new approaches.

9. Evaluate successes.

Occasional frustration notwithstanding, it’s always helpful to review your past successes. By looking over your accomplishments to-date, you have concrete results to point to. This tends to motivate and inspire you to continue, especially if you’re currently experiencing some frustration. Knowing that you’ve been able to overcome obstacles and problems in prior situations reinforces your self-confidence that you have what it takes to get the job done. This can help you be more upbeat and positive about your prospects for success.

10. Begin again.

There’s only one way to be successful in achieving your goals and that is to be willing to begin again. You have to want the goal enough that you’ll put in the time and effort to do the work, even if that means starting over repeatedly. Be sure, however, that you modify your plan going forward, revising as necessary, adding new approaches and ideas that have some likelihood of success.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/29/10-ways-to-beat-frustration/

Psychology Around the Net: October 29, 2016

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

This week’s Psychology Around the Net covers a myriad of interesting topics, if I do say so myself!

Keep reading for information on how the way you twist your paperclips could highlight your personality (yes, really), a new three-second brain exercises to help you find joy (it’s a lot deeper, and yet just as simple, as it sounds), a few misconceptions some of us might have about male sexuality, and more.

A Cruel Trick On the Mentally Ill: “Haunted asylums and stereotyped costumes may seem like harmless fun, but they are not. Stigma and discrimination are real issues. When people are hospitalized for a mental health condition, it’s usually because their situation is dire […] Getting laughs or screams out of attractions or costumes that mock a serious public health concern does everyone a disservice.”

What These Twisted Paperclips Reveal About Your Personality: The Paperclip Test: A Personality Quiz Like No Other might sound like the stuff BuzzFeed is made of, but it’s not; it’s actually a new book written by Mario Gmür, a psychiatrist who, well, did exactly as the title suggests. He studied the different ways his patients bent or squeezed their paperclips and discovered it might offer insight into our personalities. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Psych Central is in no way affiliated with this book and stands to make no money from any purchase.)

Men’s Resting Heart Rates May Be Linked with Their Mental Health: A new study from Sweden finds young men who have elevated heart rates and high blood pressure might have an increased risk of developing mental health problems such as anxiety disorders, depression, schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) — OCD having the largest association.

Google’s Former Happiness Guru Developed a Three-Second Brain Exercise for Finding Joy: Chade-Meng Tan wore several hats during his time with Google — one of which involved leading his co-workers in mindfulness classes earning him the job title of Jolly Good Fellow (Which Nobody Can Deny). Now he’s released Joy On Demand, a book that explains his “thin slice” exercise (which consists of a trigger, a routine, and a reward) designed to train the brain to make habits of mindfulness and meditation. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Psych Central is in no way affiliated with this book and stands to make no money from any purchase.)

The Top Ten Myths About Men’s Sexuality: Dr. Joe Kort, who specializes in areas like sex therapy, relationship problems, and sexual identity concerns, sets the record straight on a few ideas we might be confused about regarding men and sexuality.

Easing Labor Pain May Help Reduce Postpartum Depression in Some Women: A preliminary study suggests epidural anesthesia might decrease the likelihood of postpartum depression. According to the study’s lead investigator, Grace Lim, M.D., “Labor pain matters more than just for the birth experience. It may be psychologically harmful for some women and play a significant role in the development of postpartum depression […] We found that certain women who experience good pain relief from epidural analgesia are less likely to exhibit depressive symptoms in the postpartum period.”

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/29/psychology-around-the-net-october-29-2016/

8 Fall Foods I Eat to Improve My Mood

Even with its gorgeous foliage and festivities, autumn triggers anxiety and depression for many people. The shorter days and lack of sunlight affect our circadian rhythms; we feel the stress of upcoming holidays; and the claustrophobia of winter is lurking around the corner. I’m not a dietitian, but I’ve learned a lot from experts about food and mood, and I’ve learned what works for me. 

Mother Nature, fortunately, has done her part in providing many foods and spices during this season that can aid our sanity. From enjoying freshly picked apples to munching on dry pumpkin seeds, autumn is full of good-mood foods that can help us enjoy the season.

1. Pumpkin Seeds

Pumpkin seeds are one of Mother Nature’s most potent mood boosters. They’re chock-full of zinc (containing 23 percent of our daily recommended value in just one ounce), which Emily Deans, MD, calls an “essential mineral for resiliency” in her Psychology Today blog Zinc: An Antidepressant. The mineral also increases our ability to fight off inflammation, which can cause depression and anxiety.

In addition, it’s rich in magnesium, our calming nutrient: According to a 2012 study in the journal Neuropharmacology, magnesium deficiencies induce anxiety, which is why the mineral is known as the original chill pill.

2. Squash

Squash was already one of my favorite fall foods before I knew it was packed full of mood-boosting ingredients. Just one cup of butternut squash contains 15 percent of the daily recommended value of magnesium, 17 percent of potassium, and 18 percent of manganese — all critical minerals to keep you sane. One cup also contains a whopping 52 percent of vitamin C, which gives a helping hand to our immune system and to our entire central nervous system.

3. Cinnamon

Cinnamon was used as early as 2000 BC in ancient Egypt to treat a host of different health conditions. A study at Wheeling Jesuit University in West Virginia showed that even smelling cinnamon enhanced cognitive performance. The spice is especially good for anxiety and depression because it helps regulate blood sugar. And one teaspoon provides 22 percent of the daily recommended value of manganese, a critical trace mineral that helps with nerve function and connective tissues, aiding the central nervous system in general. In addition, it plays a role in neutralizing free radicals that can damage cell membranes and DNA.

4. Turkey

If you’re fretting about all the family drama that happens at Thanksgiving, rest assured that the turkey will be helping you stay sane. It’s a good source of the amino acid tryptophan, which helps your body produce the feel-good chemical serotonin.

5. Turmeric

I throw the spice turmeric into the fall foods category because I start experimenting with it once the weather turns cool. This yellow spice that we eat in different kinds of curry contains a natural anti-inflammatory agent, curcumin, that helps mitigate depression and anxiety. The abstract from a 2014 study in the Journal of Affective Disorders reads:

Curcumin, the principal curcuminoid derived from the spice turmeric, influences several biological mechanisms associated with major depression, namely those associated with monoaminergic activity, immune-inflammatory and oxidative and nitrosative stress pathways, hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis activity and neuroprogression. We hypothesised that curcumin would be effective for the treatment of depressive symptoms in individuals with major depressive disorder.

6. Apples

As I mentioned in my blog 10 Foods I Eat Every Day to Beat Depression, apples are high in antioxidants, which can help to prevent and repair oxidative damage and inflammation on the cellular level. They’re also full of soluble fiber , which balances blood sugar swings. One of my favorite fall snacks is some almond butter on apple slices, so I get my omega-3 fatty acids along with some fiber.

7. Eggplant

In addition to being a good source of fiber, copper, vitamin B1, and manganese, eggplant also contains important phytonutrients, including phenolic compounds and flavonoids, that are potent antioxidants. One study found that anthocyanin phytonutrients in the skin of eggplants, called nasunin, protects brain cell membranes from damage by zapping free radicals and guarding the lipids (fats) in brain cell membranes.

8. Sweet Potato

Just one baked sweet potato provides 214 percent of our daily recommended value of vitamin A (an antioxidant superpower), 52 percent of our vitamin C, and 50 percent of our manganese. This healthy starch is also full of copper, pantothenic acid, vitamin B6, biotin, and potassium — all very helpful in fighting depression and anxiety.

Sweet potatoes contain anthocyanin pigments and other flavonoids that have been shown in studies to have strong anti-inflammatory and antimicrobial activities. According to one study published in the Journal of Biomedicine and Biotechnology:

Because of their diverse physiological activities, the consumption of anthocyanins may play a significant role in preventing lifestyle-related diseases such as cancer, diabetes, and cardiovascular and neurological diseases.

Join the Nutrition & Mood Group on ProjectBeyondBlue.com, the new depression community.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/28/8-fall-foods-i-eat-to-improve-my-mood/

Are You Using Alcohol as a Crutch?

One of my friends hasn’t had a drink in over a year. She stopped drinking because she realized that it clouded her thinking. She realized that she was using alcohol to relieve stress and escape from her thoughts and feelings. No one would call her an “alcoholic.” In fact, many of her friends don’t understand why she quit.

But, without alcohol, she’s seen many positive changes. She has more clarity. She feels more motivated. She sleeps better. She’s more present in her life.

We think of drinking in two ways: Either you’re a normal drinker. Or you’re an alcoholic. Either you have a serious problem. Or you don’t. But drinking is way more nuanced and much more layered than that.

Maybe you drink a glass of wine every night to alleviate stress or numb the pain. Maybe you drink to temporarily forget your anxiety. Maybe you have a single drink before attending social events because it helps you feel more confident. It helps you to loosen up. Maybe drinking helps to brighten the dark edges of your life. For a few moments. Maybe you’re worried that you look forward to drinking. Too much. Maybe you spend most Sunday mornings worrying about what you said or did the night before.

Whatever the specifics, maybe your drinking just doesn’t feel right. That’s how Rachel Hart’s clients typically notice they’re using alcohol as a crutch. Hart is a life coach who works with women wanting to take a break from drinking.

The Allure of Alcohol

“Alcohol can become a crutch when you unconsciously teach your brain that it makes a specific situation easier or a part of your life more bearable—usually because you don’t yet have alternative means to cope,” Hart said.

She shared this example: A person comes home to an empty apartment. They feel lonely, which they don’t like. They pour themselves a glass of wine. They get a buzz and forget how they’re feeling. Over time, this becomes a routine. Over time, this person teaches themselves that wine solves their loneliness. But, in reality, their loneliness remains.

Alcohol is a quick and easy way to erase our discomfort, Hart said. Instantly we erase the discomfort of stress, socializing, insecurity, boredom. But it’s short lived, and we don’t reach the root.

Hart calls alcohol a “problem-staller.” “Your attention is temporarily diverted away from whatever discomfort you’re feeling. But in the long-run alcohol does nothing to solve the underlying problem.”

In her early 20s, Hart stopped drinking for a year. “I loved waking up clear-headed and not having to worry if I had done something embarrassing the night before.” But eventually she returned to drinking. Because she’d removed the only relief, the only coping mechanism, she had. And her underlying issues lingered.

For Hart these issues were intense social anxiety and a merciless inner critic. Whenever she’d be in an unfamiliar social situation, she’d keep having the same thought over and over: “I don’t fit in here.” She’d fixate on her supposed flaws—like her appearance—and how other women had something she didn’t. Her discomfort dictated her behavior. “Everything about me read, ‘don’t talk me.’ And sure enough, I didn’t fit in. The only way I knew how to relieve this feeling was by having a drink.”

She also believed that the solution resided in “fixing” her physical appearance. She assumed that losing weight, dressing a certain way and making sure she looked “perfect” would finally help her to fit in.

“I was convinced that if I could master how I looked on the outside, I would feel better on the inside.” But she didn’t feel better. And the more uncomfortable she felt, the more alcohol she consumed.

Instead, what started helping Hart was thinking, “I’m sure there is someone else here who feels just as out of place as I do.”

“It seems like such a small change. But it gave me a little bit of relief. It made me feel less alone. I could relax the tiniest bit. Breathe a little better. It was just enough space, to feel like I could get through the first 30 minutes of a party—which to me were always the worst—without needing to drink.”

Beyond Alcohol

According to Hart, if you’d like to stop using alcohol as a crutch, the best thing you can do is to practice sitting with painful emotions. “The more comfortable you are with your negative emotions, the less you will resort to covering them up.”

Hart suggested starting by simply observing and describing how an emotion feels in your body.

“When I tell my clients this, they usually say, ‘But I feel anxious, stressed out, insecure so much of the time, and now you’re telling me I have to feel that way even more?!’” But usually they aren’t actually sitting with their emotions. Instead, they’re dismissing, masking or resisting them.

However, the more you observe your emotion—without judgment or interference—the more you realize that you can handle it.

Specifically, focus on your distinct physical sensations—versus saying something like “I feel terrible.” Naturally, “if it feels terrible, we want to get rid of it as fast as possible by distracting ourselves or finding something that will mask it,” Hart said.

And the good news is that you already know how to identify your sensations. You do this any time you say anything like, “I’m so nervous, I have butterflies in my stomach.”

Every emotion feels different for every person, Hart said. “Sadness for me feels like my body is constricting. My chest tightens making it difficult to take a full breath. I feel my throat closing up. My shoulders start to slump, my stomach pulls in, and I can feel my body wanting to curl up into a ball. If the feeling is particularly intense, I’ll notice almost a buzzing in my chest cavity.”

For a long time, Hart evaded her sadness. If she felt like she was going to cry, she tried everything to stop it. But she realized that observing her sadness actually gave her authority over it, and she didn’t need to run away.

“Observing your emotions gives you a new perspective. Every emotion…is just a set of physical manifestations in your body that you are totally capable of handling on your own.”

Quitting drinking may or may not be right for you. The key is to explore your relationship with alcohol and to remember that there are many dots along the spectrum (not simply “normal drinker” and “alcoholic”). The key is to explore how you’re using alcohol in your life—and whether it’s time to find healthier ways to navigate underlying issues.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/28/are-you-using-alcohol-as-a-crutch/

Best of Our Blogs: October 28, 2016

Too often we let our illness, past, and differences prevent us from living fully. We’re afraid of getting hurt or we think we aren’t deserving. So we wait. Some of us wait never experiencing what it’s like to truly be.

Outwardly we pretend to be like everyone else. We hide our eccentricities. Secretly, we’re resentful and in pain. But whole living isn’t about being perfect or “normal” even. It’s embracing the life we have. It’s allowing ourself the freedom to be.

Let this excerpt from Mary Oliver’s poem The Summer Day shine a light on your life and the beauty of being alive.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
—Mary Oliver

Toxic Friendships: 23 Signs
(Relationship Corner) – You stay because you’ve been friends for years or you share a common interest. But while you would never stay in a toxic romantic relationship, you’re stuck in an emotionally distressing friendship and don’t even know it. Read the signs.

13 Spot On Quotes About Narcissism
(NLP Discoveries) – These quotes will make you see narcissism in a different way. You’ll want to read it, let it simmer and read it again.

How to Become More Resilient
(Happily Imperfect) – How do you become more like the friend that bounces back and less like the one that falls apart during difficulty? Read this.

Why Diets Fail: 4 Effective Psychological Strategies to Achieve Lasting Weight Loss
(Artful Eating) – If you believe the secret to weight loss is eat less and move more, you’re missing one important ingredient. Psychology is a vital component to successfully losing weight.

The Unloving Mother and the Feeling that You’re Nothing
(Knotted) – Mothers are one of our first mirrors. Here are all the ways she made you feel unworthy.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/28/best-of-our-blogs-october-28-2016/

4 Ideas for a Happy, Healthy Halloween

Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines the word “ mask” as both “something that serves to conceal or disguise” and something that is a “protective covering for the face.”

Human beings are the ultimate improvisers. The masks we wear allow us the flexibility to adapt to the myriad improvisations we find ourselves engaged in on a daily basis. From the drive to work, dinner with family, conversations with friends… we literally have no idea what’s going to happen next. Therefore, having this amazing ability for response-ability is relatively useful for successful living, at least in my perspective.

When we can break from rigid conceptions of ourselves and others, for example, “me Republican” versus “ me Democrat”, we can embrace the complexity of what is to be human. Rather than being trapped by a static notion of what we can do and be, each day we have the possibility to make a fresh choice. A choice more aligned with what we hope to express and share.

For example, in an argument with a loved one, we can call on our inner resources of patience, desire for harmony, and willingness to compromise. We can decide to move from a place of polarity to a place of yielding. Yes, ten minutes ago, perhaps our faces were contorted in a mask of anger, trying to hide our hurt. The mask of anger can be “protective” at times. However, it is often useful to remove the mask of anger, to reveal the part of ourselves that is tender; and simply be with our own suffering compassionately rather than lashing out through anger’s mask.

In difficult situations within social settings, we can draw on our desire for acceptance and can often find ways to compromise our needs to meet the needs of others. We need compromise in an interdependent society. However, this does not mean that you give up nourishing yourself. We can consciously strive for a balance, acknowledging our own values and limits to ensure that we do not over-extend ourselves.

Within ourselves, we may feel the push and pull of wishing to un-conceal aspects of ourselves while worrying that doing so may risk having to experience the awful pain of…disapproval of others (if I could, I would put this in a really scary font). I have certainly experienced this myself as a mental health counsellor who has also experienced stress and anxiety in my own life. However, in un-concealing aspects of myself, I discovered new aspects of myself including deeper empathy and desire to support others.

Here are three ideas to help you have a happy and healthy Halloween:

1. Make a mask.
   Purchase a blank mask and some markers. You can also just use a piece of paper and use one side for the “outside” and other for the “inside”. On the outside write down all the roles you play in life such as parent, child, accountant, friend, co-worker, committee member, etc. Then write down what traits or aspects of yourself you tend to easily un-conceal in these roles. For example, caring, assertiveness, cynicism, tense, fun-loving. Then on the inside of the mask (or piece of paper), write down some aspects of yourself that you are interested in bringing out a bit more in your daily life. These might be aspects or values or interests such as compassion, ease, dance, integrity, playfulness, curiosity, wisdom, or honesty.
2. Get a “costume.”
   Either from your own closet or thrift store put together a “costume” that makes you feel comfortable and reflects what you find personally beautiful. As you go through your closet or thrift store, notice what colors you are drawn to… cool blues? Warm autumns? Notice what textures feel great against your skin… rough tweed? Soft fleece? Wear something that allows you to connect with your own personal style and physical comfort.
3. Eat a treat — mindfully.
   I don’t know if this is true or not, but I suspect that the candy tradition is related to the idea that the fall was a time of reaping the harvest, a time of abundance and replenishing for the cold winter season. Take a moment to enjoy a treat. Actually put your treat on a beautiful plate, have a beautiful napkin. Beforehand, offer up gratitude in any way that works for you, for the food in front of you.Take in the aroma of your treat. Actually look at the color of your food, feel its texture. Then eat it slowly with real enjoyment. I just had some baked apples and let me tell you; even that little act positively influenced my whole day.
4. Crunch through the leaves.
   Childhood was a difficult time for many people, a time when you did not get to choose your experience. As an adult, you may have more power to make choices for yourself. Remember when you were a kid, and you were like, “I can’t wait until I grow up, because when I do, I’ll get to do whatever what I want.” That promise, like flying cars, probably did not come true. But guess what? You do get to decide to have fun. So, take some time out of your day, feel the rain on your face, pick up some colorful fall leaves and toss them in the air, and enjoy this day.

All the best to you!

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/27/4-ideas-for-a-happy-healthy-halloween/

America Needs Talent

Need a talent?

Try doing nothing.

Whaaat?

In our hyperkinetic society, we scan our inbox, check our cell phones, and — for good measure — refresh our inbox. The average Americans checks his email 46 times per day.

Was the latest GroupOn coupon that crucial?

Riding the bus to work this morning, I observe my sleep-deprived busmates fidgeting in their seats. As the bus rumbles downtown, my busmates are Twittering, Snapchatting, and Facebooking away. Some are feverishly working — engrossed in the latest project. Me? I am hunched over my iPhone, scanning my mind’s recesses for a catchy intro. We are all busy, running on life’s treadmill. But is the ceaseless need for productivity sapping our mental equanimity? Averting our eyes from our overflowing inbox, we both know the answer.

As a notorious fidgeter, I understand the compulsive need to do something…anything. But this obsession is counterproductive to our mental health. Like our bodies after a strenuous workout, our overtaxed minds need time to relax. And, yes, sit still. Refuting your Type A protestations, it is permissible — and healthy — to park your mind in neutral. For many Americans, I suspect this is easier said (or written) than done.

Riding the bus yesterday, my goal was to sit without distraction. I vowed to ignore the temptation to scan my IPhone and scroll through the latest headlines, emails, and Twitter feeds. But during the 40 minute ride into downtown, there was a quiet uncomfortability — bordering on irritability. The compulsive need for stimulation overpowered me. Feeling uneasy — even agitated, I pulled out my phone to glance at the latest news headlines. Like many hard-charging Americans, I crave activity — even something as mind-numbing as reading the latest Kardashian tweet.

We demand perfection from our minds, imploring them to recall esoteric facts during that conference call, deliver a captivating Board presentation, and uncork witty banter on a first date. And when our minds fail, we reprimand — unleashing a venomous torrent of criticism. The cold reality: our misguided attempts at productivity are defeating us. And, even worse, draining our overtaxed nervous system.

From physical health to emotional well-being, there are myriad benefits stemming from those blissful moments of mental serenity. Mental downtime, in particular, replenishes glucose and oxygen levels, refueling our weary minds. Mental health practitioners connect downtime to greater confidence, patience, and compassion.

But among the corner office set, a healthy skepticism exists. Rooted in our work-centric culture, we disparage idleness as unproductive — even wasteful. But as we attempt to squeeze every ounce of productivity out of a work day, we are flailing on life’s treadmill. The ultimate destination: burnout.

Corporate chieftains are acknowledging this all too common reality — and are now introducing scheduled downtime for high-level executives. 3M, Google, and Twitter actively encourage “disconnected time,” understanding the mental paralysis endemic to overly compulsive employees. Forbes, the award-winning financial weekly, connects executive downtime with greater insight and personal growth. Creative ideas, like your mind, need space to breathe and time to marinate.

In our perpetual quest to do more, here’s my recommendation: do less. You will refresh something much more important than your inbox.

References:

De Vries, Manfred (1 July 2014). The Importance of Doing Nothing. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/insead/2014/07/01/the-importance-of-doing-nothing/#2985f1e55ea2

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/27/america-needs-talent/

Asylum Was Once a Place of Safe Haven, Part 3

This is part 3 of the series “Asylum Was Once a Place of Safe Haven.” Don’t miss Part 1 and Part 2 too.

The Future of Therapy and Recovery

There is not a one track solution to this problem. Various schools of thought will need to come together to thoroughly evaluate the best ways to make high quality care affordable and accessible. The World Health Organization promotes ways for institutions to integrate mental health services into primary health care, aiming to raise awareness of the importance of treating mental health as part of essential medical services. Simply put, mental health screenings and treatment should be as regular as physicals or blood tests. A strong nationwide healthcare system, both for physical and mental health, is something that we all need in order to protect ourselves and our families across the lifespan.

However, this requires more staff, proper training of those workers to understand the intricacies of different mental illness, and — the big missing piece — money. Immediate changes in federal and state funding is necessary in order to rebuild our broken healthcare industry. At the moment, hospitals across the country are dealing with a psychiatric bed shortage that is an undeniable crisis. Last week, the Treatment Advocacy Center released a report stating that more than 96% of U.S. population-adjusted state mental health beds have been eliminated over a 60 year period. (24) Today it is estimated that there are only about 11 psychiatric beds per 100,000 people, the fewest that we have seen over any other time in history since the 1850’s. (25)

The proposed Mental Health Reform Act of 2016 is now being discussed with senators and U.S. leaders to help allocate federal dollars to state mental health budgets, hopefully bringing much needed change to the system. Recent recognition of the lack of access to mental health services has led some of America’s larger corporations to hire on-site counselors and social workers, as this reduces staff absences and turnover. The unsustainable pricing rates of healthcare have also prompted the 2016 formation of the non-profit Health Transformation Alliance, a band of 20 companies that plan to cut rising costs for their collective four million employees and the employers who partially pay for health plans.

In an additional effort to increase access at lower costs, telemedicine is now a spreading movement, providing mental healthcare services such as psychotherapy via phone and two-way video. These delivery methods may help those who do not have easily available care, especially the disabled, elderly, or those living in rural areas. Dr. George Nitzburg, who earned his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and has spent the past four years as a lead researcher at the Psychology, Technology, and Disclosure Lab at Columbia University, gives insight into this emerging field.

“People are turning to the collaboration between psychology and technology to find ways for psychological and medical services to cut costs not by limiting the amount of sessions with a provider, but by changing the delivery system. If a therapist uses text messaging, video or a modality that eliminates an office, this is a strong cost cutting measure that could retain effectiveness while still limiting expenses.”

What about critics who believe that in-person therapy is the most effective way to obtain treatment? “Clearly face to face therapy with adjunctive medication is well known to be the ‘gold standard,’” Dr. Nitzburg remarks. “But what do you do for people who live in a rural area with one therapist where they can’t really retain confidentiality? Or if they are in a war zone where therapeutic interventions through technology are a necessary option? There is a need for those who can’t find access to that gold standard because otherwise people just don’t do therapy.”

“For the majority of people suffering from a mental health issue, it is not the case of the gold standard versus lesser, it is something versus nothing. We do need to understand more about whether or not technology systems are effective, however we shouldn’t just dismiss an alternate system for delivering psychotherapy, but instead study it. This will help us understand what to tell providers and think about how we can close this access gap, which is unfortunately giving rise to very disastrous tragedies.”

Telepsychiatry studies are showing positive results, with many participants reporting high satisfaction rates, reduction in symptoms, and significant cost reduction for providers and patients. (26, 27) Additionally, human-computer behavior research has shown that certain personality types, particularly depressed and introverted individuals, are less apprehensive when communicating online than face to face without deterioration in communication comprehension. (28) Nevertheless, it is important to consider individual personality types, patient case history, and treatment efficacy when utilizing technological communication for healthcare, as it is a budding area where there is still much to learn.

Unfortunately, ongoing stigma and budget cuts contribute to our societal problem where mental welfare is downplayed and those who need assistance are made into outcasts, even when they responsibly seek help. There are often only brief moments of awareness through flashy headlines of violence, such as the infamous Boston Marathon bombings of 2013 that resulted in part from untreated mental conditions. The negative attachments to these scenarios sometimes prompt doses of political funding to ease public concerns, however negative media attention also leaves many afraid to speak up, allowing cases to be hiding in plain sight every day.

Assessment, treatment, and the road to recovery for mental illness is undoubtedly complex. Feelings of anguish may cause some to wonder if help is even possible, or that a lost brain is a lost cause. However, there are plenty of people who can attest that recovery or at least stability can be very real. Up to half of those with serious mental illness, such as affective psychosis or schizophrenia, have been found to achieve either full or independent social recovery. (29)

It can take years of gradual rehabilitation for some, while others have described a moment of brilliance that flashes like lightening through their darkness. Regardless of the path, there tends to be that moment of enormous clarity, where in the despair of utter hopelessness there is realization that drastic change is possible. Maybe that’s the only hope in the sadness and confusion of life. That more often than not, the triumphant stories that make our eyes swell and chest puff with inspiration are born from tragedy.

Right around the time of Deinstitutionalization in the mid-1950’s, American science fiction writer Rod Serling opened the door to a middle ground between science and superstition, in the pit of our fears and summit of knowledge, where the dimension of imagination exists as the “Twilight Zone.” Maybe the secrets of mental illness live there. Maybe that is where synapses in the brain are firing erratically in a dance with chemical imbalance. Or maybe the mind is a powerfully changing beast that we will continuously need to learn to understand. Maybe, we will never really know…

 

This is the third of a three-part series about the state of mental health care in America. Please check out Asylum Was Once a Place of Safe Haven, Part 1 and Asylum Was Once a Place of Safe Haven, Part 2 too.

 

References:

24. Treatment Advocacy Center. (2016, September 20). RESEARCH WEEKLY: Psychiatric Beds: Getting from Not Enough to Safe Minimum [Press release]. Office of Research & Public Affairs. Retrieved from http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/fixing-the-system/features-and-news/3652-research-weekly-psychiatric-beds-getting-from-not-enough-to-safe-minimum-
25. Torrey, E. F., Fuller, D. A., Geller, J., Jacobs, C., & Ragosta, K. (2012). No room at the inn: Trends and consequences of closing public psychiatric hospitals. Arlington, VA: Treatment Advocacy Center. Retrieved from http://tacreports.org/storage/documents/no_room_at_the_inn-2012.pdf
26. Tutty, S., Spangler, D. L., Poppleton, L. E., Ludman, E. J., & Simon, G. E. (2010). Evaluating the Effectiveness of Cognitive-Behavioral Teletherapy in Depressed Adults. Behavior Therapy, 41(2), 229-236.
27. Pan, E., Cusack, C., Hook, J., Vincent, A., Kaelber, D. C., Bates, D. W., & Middleton, B. (2008, June). The Value of Provider-to-Provider Telehealth. Telemedicine and E-Health, 14(5), 446-453. doi:10.1089/tmj.2008.0017
28. Hammick, J., & Lee, M. (2014). Do shy people feel less communication apprehension online? The effects of virtual reality on the relationship between personality characteristics and communication outcomes. Computers in Human Behavior, 33, 302-310. doi:10.1016/j.chb.2013.01.046
29. Green, C. A., Perrin, N. A., Leo, M. C., Janoff, S. L., Yarborough, B. J., & Paulson, R. I. (2013, December). Recovery From Serious Mental Illness: Trajectories, Characteristics, and the Role of Mental Health Care. Psychiatric Services, 64(12), 1203-1210. doi:10.1176/appi.ps.201200545

 

Photo 1 credit: willjackson.eu / CC BY

Photo 2 credit: The U.S. Army / CC BY

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/27/asylum-was-once-a-place-of-safe-haven-part-3/

Why Are We Still Labeling Children as ‘Emotionally Disturbed’?

I’m not perfect at my job, but I know my presence makes a world of difference

I proudly landed my first school counseling job at a public school in New York City. I had been warned by fellow counselors we can never be fully prepared to take on the enormity of our role.

I admit to feeling intimidated upon hearing the label given to children of whom I would be working. The term, “emotionally disturbed (ED)” also intrigued me, but painted a picture before I even met a single child on my caseload. Not learning specific special education classifications in graduate school, I read up as much as I could about this identification. The image my mind had created included children appearing older than their natural age, possessing negativity and a toughness about them; similarly, to the many Hollywood movies about inner city kids, and contrary to the children whom I grew up with in suburban schools. And then I arrived to work on my first day, wide-eyed and with a tough exterior of my own that I anticipated I would need.

To my amazement, the school atmosphere was warm and welcoming, and the children were respectful and appeared comfortable and safe in their surroundings. The staff spoke positively of their students, and they all felt the need to share information with me about how best to help them. My expectation was to feel out of place, however I recall immediately feeling appreciated for work that I not only hadn’t started yet, but truthfully had no idea how I would even begin my “counseling” work.

It is almost two decades and several counseling positions later, yet I still wonder what Anthony and Laura are doing with their lives today. Anthony was a young boy with stellar attendance. He showed up to school every day on time and although he wouldn’t make direct eye contact, his round, full cheeks would smile broadly when he sensed my presence. Anthony was a fifth grader and rather well-known by teachers throughout the school. There was a gentleness about him, and a strong self-awareness at his young age. Anthony had many bad days, probably more frequent than not, but his bad days consisted of his need to sit away from his classmates; and he knew enough to ask for me at these times.

Anthony rarely talked to me about his home life or his friends, but his strong subtly showed how much my presence meant to him. His teacher frequently called on me each time he abruptly left the classroom, usually after a remark from a peer was said in class. I would find him standing outside the classroom and the relieved look on his face as he saw me said it all. Taking just a few minutes to sit beside him, sometimes in silence, calmed him tremendously.

It wasn’t long before the teachers would tell me how much Anthony admired me and praise for my work with him. Although these compliments felt great to hear, I didn’t quite understand what I was actually doing with Anthony, or for him. I could rarely carry out any planned activity for him, knowing that I needed to be flexible based on his disposition or surroundings in the moment.

It wasn’t until so many years later that I did understand. I couldn’t articulate it then, but I instinctively knew that Anthony was so much more capable than most people could see him, due to his “ED” label. The school staff knew. They were a group of intelligent professionals whom I attribute so much of my knowledge and experience as a counselor fresh out of graduate school. They could see his potential, emotionally, socially, and academically. Through my special role as a school counselor, I had the privilege of working regularly and closely with him. I believed in Anthony, and I allowed him to be himself. I treated him with respect and as very capable, and he knew it.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/27/why-are-we-still-labeling-children-as-emotionally-disturbed/

Why Do Drugs?

Any casual look at media, billboards, online popups and banners and signs in stores is enough to show that medications and drugs are ubiquitous. Whether used initially for a legitimate medical reason with a prescription from a doctor, or socially, drug use can and does morph into something much more serious, including addiction. Why, then, do drugs?

Just as there are many reasons people drink alcohol, there are equally as many why they do drugs. Here are some of the more common:

To feel euphoria, pleasure and empathy, even though temporary.

Who doesn’t want to feel good? Euphoria is a feeling often synonymous with pleasure, even empathy. One of the reasons people do drugs is because they desperately want that feeling. The fact that a euphoric state is often followed by a crash and a severe reversal of feeling doesn’t seem to deter the determined user. In a frantic attempt to recapture the euphoric feeling, the drug user may increase dosage or frequency, neither of which is a good outcome.

To get “high.”

Closely related to feelings of euphoria is the express intention to get “high” on drugs. This is a deliberate choice to do drugs in order to achieve that state of altered awareness. Users rationalize they want to forget problems, say they need to check out from reality, or just take drugs for something to do.

To experience increased energy.

In addition to wanting to achieve euphoria and get high, another common reason to do drugs is to experience an increase in energy. This burst of energy, however, is only short-term, often leading to increased usage to recapture or maintain that energetic feeling.

To enjoy the “rush.”

Still other drug users say they do drugs because they enjoy the rush. This is an acute awareness to emotion that using the drug provides. A large part of the attraction to drug use is the instantaneous high, which is very difficult to say no to, especially for an addictive personality type.

To escape peer pressure.

First exposure to drugs for many young people is through their peers. This occurs mostly at unsupervised gatherings such as parties, and during the summer, holidays and on weekends. Young people, who often find it painfully difficult to go against the mood of the group and stand up for their own beliefs, may get into drug use to escape peer pressure.

As a result of family influence.

Studies of teens, including one 2005 study of some 16,000 teenagers in Orange County, California, show that teens implicate family members as the biggest influence on whether or not they use drugs, tobacco or alcohol. On the proactive side, this is good news for parents who can use their influence to reinforce family values and emphatically state that it’s not OK to do drugs. It’s important to note that teens also learn by observation. When parents don’t use/abuse drugs and such use is not tolerated in the home unless for prescribed medical purposes, teens are more likely to avoid drug use.

To experience thrills and risky behavior.

A great temptation for many people is taking risks and constantly searching out thrills. When it comes to doing drugs, this is especially true. Whether the drug of choice or availability is an illegal drug like cocaine, ecstasy, GHB, amphetamines, methamphetamines, opiates and sedatives, hallucinogenic drugs or designer drugs, even prescription medicines they find at home (or in the homes of friends), the thrill-seeking, risky behavior of experimenting with drugs often proves impossible to turn down.

To escape boredom.

Bored people typically look for something to relieve their stagnant state. Lacking schedules, daily routine, strong family values, role models and discipline, for young people especially, drug-taking behavior is an easy way to escape boredom.

To rebel.

The teenage years are marked by tremendous mood swings, experimentation, challenging authority and other rebellious activity. One way teens rebel, whether against parental, societal, religious or other authority, is by taking drugs. In some teen groups, aided by strong peer pressure, doing drugs is almost a rite of passage and teens reassure themselves that this is what all the “cool” kids do.

To overcome shyness and fit in.

Someone who’s painfully shy may experiment with drugs to help overcome their inability to comfortably relate with others. By using drugs, some people harbor the mistaken belief that they’ll fit in.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/26/why-do-drugs/

Finding Empathy Across the Political Divide

No one can figure it out. It is a mind-boggling mystery.

“Who ARE these people who support Trump?” “Who ARE these people who like Hilary?” “Who ARE these people who are planning to vote for a third party candidate?”

Well, “these people” are our neighbors. Our dentists. Our airplane pilots. Our children. Our old friends from high school.

These people are us. We are all members of the community of the United States of America. Yet so many of us feel like we are living in a totally different reality from ‘these people’. We cannot grasp how anyone would think about things SO differently from how we think about things.

I see this problem of mutually incomprehensible realities regularly within my therapy practice. In fact, when I hear one or both partners in a couple say “we are living in completely different realities,” I know the relationship is quickly approaching the point of breakdown.

It is scary when we feel this reality gulf in our relationships. When our partners or our country-mates do not share the basic way we see things, our core sense of existence feels threatened. We dig in our heels. We defend our reality as the only reality. We hit a wall when we still feel unheard and unseen. We feel rage. The gap widens. We feel hopeless. We stop trying.

Moving forward from this point, in a personal relationship or within our collective America, takes great determination, humility and courage. It requires that when we see others making choices based in a perspective that is alien to us, we do the opposite of what we are wired to do.

Instead of letting our brain’s threat-response system distort “these people” into a group of senseless two-dimensional objects, we accept that their perspective makes sense within the context of their own experience. We stretch ourselves to imagine being in their minds and bodies. We reach deep to acknowledge that we all share the capacity for selfishness, self-centeredness and bias. We find the humility to see that “that person” could be me. We come to terms with the idea that if we were in that person’s brain and skin then that WOULD be me.

This is hard stuff. Our fear tells us that it is dangerous to acknowledge that those who pose a threat to our values and priorities are in this shared human reality right along with us. We fear that this acknowledgment will feed their power or take something away from our own positions. That it will weaken us.

But in fact, it makes us stronger. Holding up walls against other people’s reality takes energy and keeps us stuck in fear. Dissolving those walls allows us to pursue our needs and preferences with greater vitality and clarity. It helps us to understand other people and allows us to work with them more effectively or to oppose them strategically. And it allows us to move beyond two-dimensions into the web of the human network where that Trump voter is also your child’s dedicated math teacher, that Hilary fan is your father’s most conscientious nurse at his care facility, and that third party supporter is the person who jump-started your car when you were stuck.

No, we can’t and should not stop fighting for what we believe is right and good. No, we can’t all get along. But unless we are ready to give up on our United States and all the benefits and protections it offers us, it is a grave mistake to think that the best way to protect our selves and our values is by holding on so fearfully to our own sense of reality that we cannot even comprehend who “these people” could possibly be.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/26/finding-empathy-across-the-political-divide/