This is one reason why it’s important to teach self-compassion to kids—to give them a solid foundation for the future. A foundation for being kind and gentle with themselves and processing their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Which are important skills for being a healthy adult and building healthy relationships.
But kids also need self-compassion now.
“My younger clients often bring to therapy the same concerns as their adult counterparts, [such as] feelings of worthlessness, and frustration with their abilities and how they feel others perceive them,” said Rebecca Ziff, LCSW, a psychotherapist who specializes in working with kids, teens and families in New York City.
Kids and teens commonly criticize themselves over their looks, athletic abilities, academic performance, popularity and likability, she said.
When kids practice self-compassion when they’re struggling, powerful things happen: Their sense of self-worth, resilience and ability to cope with problems improves in all sorts of settings, she said.
So, as a parent, how can you help?
Below, Ziff shared five strategies for helping your child cultivate self-compassion.
Practice on your own.
Because kids mimic what they see and hear, it’s especially important to practice compassion with yourself. Ziff suggested paying attention to the language you use in front of your kids.
Do you make negative comments about your looks and weight? Do you beat yourself up when things don’t go well at work? Do you criticize yourself for being tired or making a mistake? Do you use harsh words to describe yourself? Do you hyper-focus on your own supposed faults and flaws? Do you judge yourself for being anxious, angry or overwhelmed?
If you do, make it a priority to focus on your own self-compassion. Start with these techniques and these techniques, which are especially helpful when self-compassion feels foreign—and you don’t think you’re deserving of kindness.
Teach your child the loving-kindness meditation.
Ziff has used this meditation at her practice with kids, teens and adults. “In the meditation you send love and kindness to yourself; those you hold dear; those you may not hold dear or have positive feelings toward; and then the universe,” she said.
Practice this with your child during calm moments. This page and this page have been adapted for kids and teens.
Ask your child to change perspectives.
When your child is struggling with something, ask them how they’d treat a friend and what they’d say to their friend if they were going through a similar situation, Ziff said.
She shared this example: Your child says they’d hug their friend. They’d tell them: “I know you’re disappointed, but you are an awesome singer. Maybe there just wasn’t the right role for you in the play. You are good at so many other things too.”
Then ask your child to say this about themselves, replacing the pronouns with “I” and “me.” Ask them to name some of the things they’re good at. Encourage them to give themselves a hug or pat on the back.
Teach your child to accept their thoughts and feelings.
According to Ziff, “A developed sense of self-compassion allows a child or teen to label and be aware of their unpleasant thoughts and feelings; accept those feelings and [accept] that sometimes things don’t always go our way; and to not beat themselves up about it.”
To help a younger child better understand emotions, she suggested reading books together. You can pause periodically and ask: “What do you think that character might be feeling or thinking in that situation?” Talk to them about how others might be thinking and feeling. Ask them if they’ve ever felt the same way. (Ziff recommended reading Visiting Feelings by Lauren Rubenstein.)
To help a teen identify emotions, ask them similar questions when watching a show or movie together, she said. Ask them if they’ve been in similar situations and felt those feelings, too.
To help your kids accept both their positive and negative feelings, Ziff suggested empathizing and validating their experiences and emotions. Avoid being dismissive or rushing them to feel better. Give your kids the space and permission to process their feelings, whatever they are, she said.
“If your child is crying after a fight with their sibling, instead of saying, ‘Sweetie, stop crying; he didn’t mean it,’ give them the language to express themselves: ‘I can tell you’re very sad right now; it frustrates you when your brother grabs things from you and breaks them.’”
Help your child challenge catastrophic thinking.
You can do this by helping them search for evidence that dispels their beliefs of worthlessness or failure, Ziff said. She shared this example: Your child gets rejected from the high school or college they really wanted to attend. They say “I’m never going anywhere in life! I’m the only one who didn’t get in.”
First, help your child identify their feelings of sadness and disappointment so they can effectively process them. Next, help them think about other friends who didn’t get into their first-choice schools. Help them ask people they look up to if they got into every school they applied to.
“Your children will be surprised to learn after interviewing many family and friends they are not alone in their struggle, and their experience and feelings are universal. [This can lead] to a feeling of self-compassion and acceptance.”
Self-compassion is essential for all of us to learn, kids included. Of course, it can be tough to be gentle with ourselves, to accept our feelings, to remember that we’re not alone in our pain. Which is why you and your kids practice. All skills require that we try, try and try again. And that’s a great thing.
If you’d like to learn more about the research behind self-compassion, check out this page from psychologist Kristin Neff.
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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/10/08/5-tips-for-teaching-your-kids-self-compassion/
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