Hypersexuality in Bipolar Disorder

The need to be desired, it is a topic many women will avoid. They think it shows weakness to express the need to have a man find them attractive. I don’t. Maybe it was the many years of being overweight, but I love when I get hit on by a man. Being bipolar I admit that my need for a man to flirt with me takes on a life of its own. I love it! I crave the attention, and don’t feel as good about myself when it isn’t happening on a regular basis. Being told I am pretty, sexy, hot all makes me feel wanted and, after feeling like the ugly duckling for most of my life, I find nothing more thrilling.

Since I long for the feeling of feeling attractive I do certain things that make some women question me. I always have elaborate makeup on. I take a lot of time to do my makeup before leaving the house each day. It is something I am known for. I am often asked about the products I use, as well as the techniques I use to apply my makeup. I never feel unqualified to give the advice because I did have a cosmetology license, even though it has lapsed now. I also did makeup backstage for theatre even on traveling Broadway shows and for many community theatre shows, so I know my skills are there. I use it to my advantage to give myself a flashy look.

I also make sure to do my hair and have it styled nice as well as put on a fashionable outfit. Being known for my style and flare makes me proud to have bipolar because I know that the bipolar is part of why I have my creative style and flare. It gives my personality a complete persona, and I always enjoy when a gentleman can appreciate the time I put into looking nice.

Then on top of the makeup and the hair and the perfect outfit. I make sure I exercise and go to the gym. I know it seems like not a big deal but as I mentioned I was overweight most my life and now that I am not it is nice to continue to maintain my weight loss. I enjoy jogging and being fit. I like being able to wear sexy clothing that make me feel attractive and yes they are normally provocative and turn heads but that is the way I like it.

I know now that hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder and I know that my need to be desired probably stems from that. I don’t always like that I care so deeply what others think of me and sometimes it is the one thing that will send me deep into a depression. I may over think why no one has flirted with me recently or why my husband of almost 20 years hasn’t tried to have sex with me lately, however a good night out dancing is the one thing when I am feeling confident again that can knock that depression out of me too. It is always amazing to me what a night of feeling like a sexy woman can do for my self-esteem. For me it is a rush like nothing else, better than any drug that I could even imagine is out there.

I know bipolar has some symptoms that are a pain in the bottom and many of them I don’t care for. This symptom however is not one that I am looking to correct anytime soon. I don’t mind needing the reassurance from others that I am attractive. Maybe, that’s because I am finally okay with who I am. It won’t happen every day that a man finds me attractive and I am okay with that. I am happily married and I would never change that. I love my husband but I do love to flirt, hyper-sexuality must be controlled but can be by staying on your wellness bipolar wellness plan. I am lucky to have an understanding husband who understands when it happens it isn’t something he isn’t doing but something that is because of my disorder. Bipolar, it’s a beast!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/31/hypersexuality-in-bipolar-disorder/

How to Be Empathetic Towards Someone with an Eating Disorder

Watching a loved one fight a disease is heartbreaking. The best thing that you can do is to be there for them. But, it can be difficult to be empathetic when you do not see what they see. To help you care for them, here are some of the best ways to stay understanding.

• Inform yourself. There are so many forms of eating disorders and it can become overwhelming. Researching the disease can help you feel connected and recognize what may have caused the feelings to start. The first step to helping a loved one is understanding what they are going through.
• Don’t place blame. Don’t place blame on yourself, a significant other, or the individual. This will only lead to more hurt and separation of the family in this time. This is easier to avoid if you constantly remind yourself that an eating disorder is a disease and not a choice.
• Ask them how they are feeling. Instead of approaching them with direct questions about their disorder, ask them a general question to get them talking. Eating disorders are usually caused by an underlying issue. Try to find that issue so that it can be resolved.
• Talk to someone. Your feelings are important too so don’t forget to express them. Whether it is a friend or a therapist, it is good to talk through what is on your mind so that you are able to handle the stress of being someone’s support system.
• Make them feel safe and supported. To help someone with an eating disorder, you should create a judgment free discussion. Build a trusting relationship so that they feel safe coming to you with their problems.

On the other hand avoid being their only savior in a bad situation. They will probably text or call you when they feel uncomfortable, but if you are not there one time to answer, they need to have another option. Teach them to deal with things themselves without immediate gratification and then facilitate a conversation afterwards.

• Care for yourself. This seems obvious, but it is easy to forget. In order to help someone, you need to be healthy and happy. Make sure that all of your needs are being met because it is easy to get caught up with helping someone else. But this could lead to you losing your job, neglecting other relationships, or developing your own mental health issues without even noticing that you are changing.
• Don’t allow lies or cover ups. People with this disease tend to have a habit of lying in order to accomplish what they want. Do not let them manipulate you into covering for them. Also, if you feel like they are lying to you, call them out.
• Don’t praise their appearance. Essentially, make the conversation about something other than their body. You might seem like you are giving them a compliment, but if you say they look great and they just starved themselves for a week, you are reinforcing bad behavior. On the flip side, do not tell them they look frail or too skinny, they have enough negativity in their own mind.
• Leave suggestions to professionals. Dieting suggestions or any other suggestion should be left to the professionals. Although you may feel like you know nutrition or psychology, you are their friend, not their doctor. Stay on that side of the fence so that the individual can have both. You also do not want to give them the wrong information for their particular body and end up making something worse.

Don’t expect treatment to solve all problems

Eating disorders are complex. It is not feasible to go into a program for a few months and come out completely healthy. This will be an ongoing disease that this person will fight for their whole life. Just hope that treatment resonates well enough so that the disorder doesn’t continue to take over their life.

The most important thing to remember when trying to help someone with an eating disorder is that you can be there for them, but do not let it take over your life. It is best to make sure that they have a therapist and other friends or family to talk to so that the pressure is not all on you. When you are the only one that they feel comfortable with, it can lead to an unhealthy relationship where you will hold resentment.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/31/how-to-be-empathetic-towards-someone-with-an-eating-disorder/

Project Semicolon Founder Amy Bleuel Dies at 31

Amy Bleuel wanted to honor her father’s passing, after he died due to suicide. She settled on a potent symbol to help express the hope when a life is saved — the semicolon. It is a symbol of the perseverance that comes from grappling with mental illness.

Sadly, Bleuel lost her own battle with depression last Thursday, March 23. She was 31.

In 2015, Bleuel told The Mighty in an interview, “In literature, an author uses a semicolon to not end a sentence but to continue on. We see it as you are the author and your life is the sentence. You’re choosing to keep going.”

The hope shared by Project Semicolon’s founder is captured by the organization’s reminder, “Your story isn’t over.” The semicolon represents the continuation of your life after struggling with thoughts of suicide and death, which are a common component of clinical depression.

Bleuel hailed from Green Bay, Wisconsin and started Semicolon Project in 2013, as a faith-based nonprofit organization. Its mission is to inspire and encourage people who live with mental health concerns, fostering hope and empowerment. The project was a strong testament to the significant impact a single person with vision and hope can have on others.

Bleuel’s own battle with depression began at an early age, when she was 8 years old, and included grappling with anxiety and self-harm. In addition to depression, she also lived through sexual assault and abuse growing up, contributing to a life-long battle with clinical depression.

As she wrote on the Project Semicolon website:

“Despite the wounds of a dark past I was able to rise from the ashes, proving that the best is yet to come. When my life was filled with the pain of rejection, bullying, suicide, self-injury, addiction, abuse and even rape, I kept on fighting. I didn’t have a lot of people in my corner, but the ones I did have kept me going. In my 20 years of personally struggling with mental health I experienced many stigmas associated with it. Through the pain came inspiration and a deeper love for others. God wants us to love one another despite the label we wear. I do pray my story inspires others. Please remember there is hope for a better tomorrow.”

As a part of the project’s goals to help raise awareness of mental health concerns, people draw or tattoo semicolons on their bodies as a reminder to themselves (and a sign to others) that their story isn’t yet over. Since its inception, thousands of people across the world have donned a semicolon in support of the project.
You can learn more about and donate to Project Semicolon here.

From her obituary:

Amy graduated from Northeast Wisconsin Technical College in December 2014 where she earned a degree in graphic design and a certificate in printing. Amy founded Project Semicolon. Her work following graduation was centered on raising awareness of mental illness and suicide prevention. She gave presentations on behalf of the Project to groups throughout the country.

Amy loved to travel. She and her husband especially enjoyed photography and photographing their many adventures together. She was an active member of Spring Lake Church in Green Bay.

Continue reading: Amy Elizabeth Bleuel’s Life Legacy

Leave your remembrances and condolences: Amy Bleuel on Legacy.com

Bleuel is one of those shining stars in life that reminds you that there is hope — even in our darkest hours. While her own candle has sadly ended, she lit a thousand candles of hope for millions who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts.

May she rest in peace. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family and all those who mourn the loss of Amy.

 

Feeling suicidal?

If you’re suicidal, we recommend contacting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline toll-free at 800-273-8255. You can also try one of these free crisis chat services:

Crisis Chat

Crisis Text Line (on your smartphone)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/31/project-semicolon-founder-amy-bleuel-dies-at-31/

Best of Our Blogs: March 31, 2017

My inbox and podcast are filled with beauty, and health and wellness tips. People who take care of their physical health are cool. I want to drink smoothies and eat acai bowls with them.

But don’t you wish we could talk about emotional health in the same way?

Wouldn’t it be nice if discussing things like medication, therapy and other forms of emotional self-care were treated with the same acceptance and ease with which we talk about our physical well-being?

While it may never be sexy to talk about our emotional wellness, we can work on talking about it without fear and judgment.

Let’s start by reading, sharing and talking about our top posts this week!

Toxic Cocktails: Stonewalling and Gaslighting
(Knotted) – It’s the two strategies your parents used to control you as a child and now it’s affecting you. Are you guilty of using stonewalling and gaslighting in your own relationships?

Growing Up With A Depressed Parent
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – This is how untreated depression hurts your kids.

5 Relationship Myths that Seem Reasonable at First
(NLP Discoveries) – Are you falling for these common relationship misconceptions? It could be hurting your relationship.

Depression vs. Avoidance Personality Disorder
(Tales of Manic Depression) – Avoiding social situations describe both depression and avoidance personality disorder. How do you know which one you’re suffering from? Read this.

Trying To Overcome Trauma? You Might Be Going About It The Wrong Way
(Leveraging Adversity) – Before you try talk therapy, there’s something you need to do to heal from a traumatic experience.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/31/best-of-our-blogs-march-31-2017/

The Politics of Talking Politics at Work

Politics is already a sensitive subject at the office. The touchiness has been amplified recently. Yet whether it’s in the office, during happy hour or even on social media, politics will likely come up.

Although it’s easier said than done, plenty of experts maintain you should never discuss politics at work under any circumstances. After all, it can be divisive. You’re talking about people’s world views, how they believe the country should be run and in many cases the best ways for people to live their lives.

Many of my clients have anxiety not only about issues, policies, and the future of America itself, but also about whether they should entertain political discussions at work. And if so, how?

Here’s what to do and what not to do when it comes to discussing political issues with colleagues.

DO ask for permission.

It’s an easy step to forget: always ask for permission before launching into a touchy topic. Everyone has different boundaries around discussing sensitive issues. Don’t make the mistake of getting caught up in rigid thinking and assume your co-workers have the same broaching the topic of politics as you do.

To set the groundwork for a healthy, productive dialogue, you might say, “I’m not trying to change your mind. I see this issue very differently and I’d like to understand. Would it be okay to spend a few minutes talking through our perspectives?”

DO know your facts (and admit when you don’t).

In the heat of the moment, you might feel an urge to spit out some compelling sound bites you saw online while scanning the headlines without relevant information to back it up.  But blustering through an ill-informed argument will only do damage to future conversations. It certainly won’t win you points in the current one.

There’s nothing wrong with admitting you aren’t up to speed on a particular issue. Try saying, “Wow, interesting! I’d like to do more research on this today after work. Can we pick this conversation up tomorrow?”

DO know your triggers — and watch for them.

Politics can be personal for many people, maybe even for you. You might have strong feelings about a woman’s right to choose. Perhaps your family was affected by immigration policies firsthand.

Whether it’s around certain issues or the candidates themselves, be mindful about where your own triggers are. This type of self-awareness can help you regulate your emotions rather than lose control and do something unprofessional that you’ll regret, like yelling or saying something nasty to a colleague.

It’s also easier than you might think to use a discussion of politics to project other problems you have with a colleague. Don’t let a discussion of U.S. political news slip into a discussion of office politics instead.

If you do find yourself feeling frustrated, don’t place ownership of your frustrations onto your co-workers by saying, for instance, “You’re making me frustrated.” If you feel like you need to express that idea, reword it to take more responsibility when you say something like, “I feel frustrated.” This takes away the accusatory tone and opens it up for your colleague to empathize.

DO frame it as a learning opportunity.

If you decide to enter into a political conversation with a colleague, think of it as a chance to learn from one another, not change each other’s views. Being interested in someone else’s thought process can be a great reason to engage in a political discussion.

Try saying something along the lines of, “I know what I think about healthcare, but I’m curious why you feel so differently. Would you be open to sharing your position with me?” Just make sure that in the back of your mind you’re not secretly hoping you’ll convert your co-worker.

DON’T stand for disrespect.

It’s completely possible for people to have opposing viewpoints without stooping to derogatory comments.

When emotions are running high, a disagreement over political philosophies can deteriorate into personalized attacks. Before that happens, the best option is to agree to disagree — and then get back to work.

If you can sense a discussion going south, try saying, “The tone of this conversation is not appropriate for work. It’s not heading in a good direction, so let’s agree to drop it” After that, either excuse yourself to another conversation or leave the room.

You can also redirect the conversation by saying something like, “I’m honestly overwhelmed by all this election coverage. Let’s talk about something else.”

DON’T assume you’re off the clock when you’re on social media.

Social media is a powerful tool to keep in touch and maintain connections, and it’s become an important aspect of today’s working relationships.

Though you’re (hopefully) not at work when you’re using social media, make sure you do a quick check-in with yourself before you post or comment on anything political. Picture your coworkers seeing it. Imagine it possibly serving as a catalyst to an in-person office discussion. Are you okay with that? If so, post away.

In the end, agree to disagree if need be. 

It can be very tricky to navigate this politics at work. But when handled correctly, these discussions with your colleagues can be enlightening — no matter which side of the political aisle you’re on.

 

 

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from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/30/the-politics-of-talking-politics-at-work/

How to Move Through Anxiety with Greater Ease: A Personal Account

Experiencing anxiety is unpleasant. Unless perhaps you are on line for an amusement park ride, most of us find anxiety challenging to face. Recently I had the opportunity to face some anxiety head on, right before and during some planned surgery that a close family member underwent. Here is a personal experience of how mindfulness helped me through that anxious moment, and what I learned.  

What Mindfulness is NOT, and what it CAN offer:

While the explosion of research and interest in mindfulness has brought so much benefit to so many, I see as a psychologist that there is now a risk of it being perhaps glamorized and misunderstood as the “solution” or “cure” to every problem. One of the most common misperceptions that I hear from people who are new to mindfulness is when they say “it didn’t work.”

Mindfulness doesn’t take away all of our stress, pain, anxiety and worry and bring us to a place of bliss, but instead it offers us a different way of relating to our experience, by being able to observe what we are feeling and thinking with greater awareness, non-judgment, acceptance and kindness. While the goal of mindfulness is not to take away our discomfort, it can offer us a way to move through uncomfortable experiences with more compassion and ease.

Sitting with My Anxiety

In this situation, a member of my family had to have general anesthesia for a day surgery. While thankfully this was not a life threatening condition, there were risks nonetheless and some uncertainty that raised fear and anxiety for me as the one who was waiting at the hospital during the surgery.

Throughout that seemingly long hour and a half that I was waiting for the doctor to give me feedback from the surgery I had ample opportunity to be with my fear. Some of this I did formally as I meditated (closed my eyes and followed my breath in and out as I observed my thoughts, feelings, and body sensations), and some informally as I just waited and noticed my own reactions. I tried to simply observe whatever was arising without judging what was there (e.g., without saying “this is stupid — why am I feeling this way), and tried to redirect my attention back, again and again, to the present moment.

Here is what I noticed and learned:

• By observing what I was experiencing moment-to-moment, it created a little bit of distance or space between me and my thoughts, and me and my bodily reactions. It didn’t stop the thoughts from occurring, or the heart from pounding fast, but I was more aware of what was happening so I didn’t get quite as pulled in and swept away.

• My breath was a helpful anchor for me. It offered me a place to return, over and over, even as my heart rate increased, my mind started to worry, and I felt a multitude of emotions. It was my steady companion during what felt like an endless stretch of time, and it helped to offer me some sense of stability.

• When I made the choice to open to what I was feeling, rather than push it away, it took some additional struggle out of the experience. I was being carried in a stream of icy cold water, but at least I wasn’t also fighting to swim upstream. When I was able to observe my bodily reactions (heart beating fast, increased sweating, face flushed, etc.) with some curiosity and without the need to control it, this made it easier to be with whatever was happening, rather than exerting additional energy trying to fight it, judge it, or stop it.

• Following my feelings and sensations was a bit like riding the waves in the ocean. There were times where my feelings were more intense, or where my heart beat was particularly fast and seemingly loud, but there were other times when I felt moments of calm. There was an ebb and flow that made my experience more bearable.

• I was very aware of the tendency of my mind to want to pull me away from the present and into the past (pulling up old feelings related to earlier memories and associations of hospitals and loss) and into the future (creating all kinds of stories about what could be and what if’s). When this happened it was very helpful for me to remind myself that neither of these streams of thought were the reality of what was happening right now. That helped to keep me more grounded, and it helped my anxiety from escalating. When my mind wanted to imagine all kinds of “what if “scenarios, I had to bring it back to the now, the way people liken mindfulness to training a puppy. When I started going into the past I was able to recognize it and put that past experience in a completely separate container that was NOT today/the present moment.

• By observing what I was experiencing, rather than being completely pulled away by it, I was able to have a bit of space to bring some compassion to myself. I was able to tell myself “this is hard” and have that be O.K.  I was also able to feel greater compassion for the people around me.  I saw all of the other people in this waiting room waiting for news about their loved ones, and then I thought of all of the family members on other floors of the hospital, and in hospitals all over the world.  By focusing on sending them feelings of care and compassion, it helped bring me out of my own personal experience, and helped to open my heart and feel a greater sense of connection.

Practicing mindfulness did not make my anxiety go away, but it helped me to be with my fears, and with myself, the way that I might sit with a good friend. This feeling of being there for myself, fully present, helped to make the experience more bearable. It was an anchor in the storm.

I hope by sharing my own experience with mindfulness it may help others to find an anchor the next time they experience anxiety.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/30/how-to-move-through-anxiety-with-greater-ease-a-personal-account/

PODCAST: Teen Creates Peer Support Network for Teens, Run by Teens

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe and Vincent conclude a 3-part series about the Palo Alto suicides and some of the things that came about after and, at least partially, as a result of them. Returning this episode is Sammy Kotmel, joined by Nadia Ghaffari, founder of TeenzTalk a teen-run peer support website with users all over the world. Listen as she shares how and why this site was created and hear about its success stories.

Hands artwork by Kaan Tarhan.

Sammy Kotmel

Listen as Our Hosts Learn About the ASPIRE Program for Youth with Mental Illness

“If someone is struggling – if a teen is hurting – the first thing they’ll do is bring it up with a friend or someone their own age. ” ~Nadia Ghaffari

 

 

Nadia Ghaffari

About The Psych Central Show Podcast

The Psych Central Show is an interesting, in-depth weekly podcast that looks into all things mental health and psychology. Hosted by Gabe Howard and featuring Vincent M. Wales.

 

 

Gabe Howard is a professional speaker, award-winning writer, and mental health advocate who lives with bipolar 1 and anxiety disorders. Diagnosed in 2003, he has made it his mission to put a human face on what it means to live with mental illness.

Gabe writes the Don’t Call Me Crazy Blog for PsychCentral.com as well as is an associate editor. He also writes and Video Blogs for Bipolar Magazine Online. He’s been a keynote speaker for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), MHA (Mental Health America), OSU (Ohio State University), along with many other venues. To work with Gabe please contact him via his website at www.GabeHoward.com or e-mail Gabe@GabeHoward.com.

Vincent M. Wales is the author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. He lives with persistent depressive disorder and is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor with additional counseling background. A Pennsylvania native, he obtained his BA in English writing from Penn State. While a resident of Utah, he founded the Freethought Society of Northern Utah. He now lives in Sacramento, California. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

Previous Episodes can also be found at PsychCentral.com/show.

Subscribe to The Psych Central Show on iTunes and Google Play.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/30/podcast-teen-creates-peer-support-network-for-teens-run-by-teens/

10 Tips for Talking to Someone With Mental Health Problems

“Lots of people with your illness live highly functioning and fulfilling lives.”

As someone who’s quite open about having bipolar disorder, I’ve experienced a number of unusual and upsetting responses from friends, co-workers and even some family members who didn’t know how to deal with the information. Reactions like, “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells!” to, “You don’t seem that bad!” are hurtful and unhelpful.

7 Ways To Protect Kids From YOUR Parental Depression?

It is no wonder people are scared to admit their mental health struggles to others. I think the worst I got was a shocked, “And you still work with kids?”

When suffering mentally — with depression, anxiety or something more complex (which is not to say that those two aren’t complex) — it isn’t uncommon for friends/colleagues/family members to complain that they don’t know what to say.

Well, wonder no more. Here are 10 things you should say to those struggling with their mental health.

1. “This Will Pass.”

The clouded judgment which comes with mental health problems can render those who suffer blind to brighter times ahead. However, a reminder that panic attacks usually peak after 10 minutes, and then go through a decline which can last from 10 minutes to a few hours, can calm a person who is struggling.

Likewise, a person suffering from severe depression can sometimes only gain comfort in the knowledge that the feeling will pass, as it did last time and as it does with everybody. Not knowing when your depression will pass can cause anxiety, sure, but consciously thinking “This will pass” can save lives.

2. “Lots of People with Your Illness Live Highly Functioning and Fulfilling Lives.”

A lot of anxiety that comes with being diagnosed with a disorder like schizophrenia or bipolar is in one’s anxiety that this now means that they’re “disabled.” Being diagnosed can be a confusing time. A gentle reminder of comedian Stephen Fry’s bipolar disorder can work wonders for a sufferer’s self-esteem and sense of hope. He lives a full life and so can you.

3. “My Ears Are Open if You’d Like to Tell Me More About That.”

Often, especially in sufferers of depression, there lies the problem that “nobody wants to listen.” Whether this is a result of unfortunate acquaintances who really won’t listen, or a false thought, you can be the person to help correct it.

I’m not suggesting you become their full-time agony aunt, but that you offer whatever time you can and digest what your friend says before you respond to it.

4. “It’s Interesting to Hear About This From a First-Hand Perspective.”

This can help a person’s sense of purposefulness. Everybody likes to feel like they’re a contributing member of society, and depressed people who are too unwell to work can become more depressed as they feel like a “burden” to others and believe that “everyone would be better off without them.”

If you give their depression value, you might make it feel slightly less unbearable. Don’t push it, though — wait for them to speak.

5. “Would You Like a Coffee?”

They might not be the best company right now but if your friend is depressed, have a coffee with them and help them pass the time. Be nice and make an effort.

If you have a friend who is manic, have a coffee with them and see their funny side. If you have an anxious friend, take them for a decaffeinated coffee or a green tea, tell them you’re paying for it beforehand, and talk to them about undemanding things.

10 Ways To Beautifully Support Your Spouse Through A Mental Illness

6. “This Funny Thing Happened the Other Day…”

Everyone wants to be treated like a “normal person,” even if they know they don’t appear that way. Remaining down to Earth when you don’t understand a person’s state of mind and telling them an easy-to-digest funny story can mean the world to somebody who is feeling isolated and insecure.

Everyone has a funny story up their sleeve. You don’t have to have the most hilarious tale ever, just a genuine desire to make somebody feel better.

7. “I Think This Could Make a Good Poem/Song/Painting/Short Story…Could We Try Making It?”

Creativity can help mentally ill people make good us of their time and express themselves. If you encourage your friend to create art of any kind and offer them kind, honest and positive feedback, you’ll help them find themselves again.

8. “If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going.”

This quote from Winston Churchill inspires people to carry on their journeys. The word through is an encouraging statement for those in mental distress. Keep going, also, will subtly let your friend know that you care and want them there.

You don’t have to quote it word-for-word, just express the sentiment in your own way — and mean it.

9. “Even if I Don’t Understand, I Will Listen.”

Yes, it’s frustrating not understanding and yes, we all sometimes like to think we understand when we don’t. But the truth is: Unless you’ve experienced a mental illness, you do not understand how it feels.

Even if you have read a lot about it, you do not understand. Even if you have known lots of sufferers, you do not understand. And that’s OK. Your friend doesn’t want you to understand their illness, they just want you to make an effort to understand their perception of it.

10. “Take Care.”

Said sincerely, “take care” can touch a sensitive, struggling person more than you might expect. “Take care” means “I care,” as well as “Care for yourself,” and these two messages are sometimes exactly what they needs to hear.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 10 Things You SHOULD Say To Someone With Mental Health Problems.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/29/10-tips-for-talking-to-someone-with-mental-health-problems/

ADHD and Adults: How to Create a Routine When You Don’t Have a 9 to 5

Maybe you’re an entrepreneur. Maybe you’re a real estate agent or writer. Maybe you’re an artist or a photographer. Maybe you’re a graphic or web designer. Maybe you’re a coach or consultant. Maybe you’re an attorney with your own practice.

Whatever your profession, you aren’t tied to a desk and you don’t have specific work hours—like 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. And you also have ADHD, which makes not having a built-in structure challenging.

For example, people with ADHD tend to hyper-focus on things they find interesting, while other tasks fall through the cracks—such as invoicing and filing taxes, said Bonnie Mincu, a senior certified ADHD coach who understands the challenges of having ADHD and an unstructured job.

Mincu left a highly structured, deadline-driven corporate career of 23 years to start her own coaching and consulting business. But she was unable to get anything done—and, much to her surprise, was diagnosed with ADHD. In 2001 Mincu founded her coaching practice Thrive with ADD.

Another challenge is disorganization. “We can waste enormous amounts of time looking for things or performing re-work on tasks we can’t find or can’t remember where we left off,” Mincu said.

Because ADHD causes a distorted perception of time, you also might underestimate how long it takes you to complete a project, she said. And you might run late to your appointments, “which can hurt your reputation with customers.”

Essentially, “structure includes many skills that ADHD adults lack: organizing systems, time management systems and symptom control,” said Dana Rayburn, an ADHD coach who also has ADHD. Rayburn is the creator of the ADHD Success Club, a virtual group program that helps individuals build these very skills, along with providing coaching and community support.

The good news is that you can create structure and thrive in your career. Below are five tips to help you create a routine that works best for you. Stay tuned for a second piece with more suggestions.

Know how you work.  

Do you have an inner rebel who resists and revolts at a structured schedule? If so, Mincu suggested thinking about your activities in a more general way. For instance, “you could use a planner that simply divides each day into morning, afternoon and evening rather than hour by hour.”

Or maybe you’d benefit from setting specific office hours. This works well for Rayburn’s clients. She asks them to identify the time they’ll get to the office, the time they’ll break for lunch and the time they’ll stop working in the evenings. Experiment with both techniques to see what you ultimately prefer.

Both Mincu and Rayburn underscored the importance of knowing your body clock. Specifically, figure out what times of the day you’re best at different activities, Mincu said. For instance, if you’re taking medication for ADHD, you might focus best in the mornings, she said. So you use this time to perform tedious administrative tasks or do your most meaningful work.

“Pay attention to what you tend to gravitate to doing at different times of day, and then plan your work around that ‘flow,’ rather than fighting against it,” Mincu said.

 Take advantage of timers.

Timers are a great way to keep yourself accountable and on track. They serve as a check-in to confirm that you’re doing what you intended to do—and if you’re not, they allow you to readjust as needed, Rayburn said. You can find timers in smartphones, watches and fitness trackers. Or you can use a kitchen timer. Try different timers to find the best tool for you.

Get to the root of a problem.

What are you struggling with in your job? In your business? To get to the core of the issue and find a solution, keep asking yourself “Why?” (and “What?”). Mincu shared this example for an independent attorney who was regularly behind on invoicing:

“Why didn’t I invoice the client at the end of the month? I forgot. Why did I forget? There was no reminder in my calendar. Why not put recurring reminders in the calendar? I’ll probably be too busy and ignore them, and then forget about them. What would make you be sure to get the invoicing done? Carve out a block of time in the calendar to do it (or delegate this task to an assistant.) What would make it faster and easier to do the invoicing? If I didn’t have to search all over for the information to determine how much to charge. Why don’t you keep the information in one folder for the client?”

Think super simple.

“Most adults with ADHD start with long, very complicated routines,” Rayburn said. Which is why she stressed the importance of simplifying. That is, she suggested starting with just three steps: get to the office, check your calendar and write a task list. Try to postpone activities that easily become distractions, such as checking email and researching online, she said.

Care for your brain.

At a minimum, Rayburn said, caring for your brain includes sleep, a brain-healthy diet and exercise. “Ignore these and the best tools and structures in the world won’t make a difference.”

A brain-healthy diet consists of: protein, such as meat, eggs and cottage cheese; complex carbs, such as whole grains and brown rice; and plant-based sources of fat, such as avocado and olive oil. It also includes avoiding sugary sweets, soda and foods with artificial ingredients or dyes, she said. (Rayburn shares more specifics in this piece on her site.) When it comes to exercise, be sure to pick physical activities that you genuinely enjoy. Getting enough sleep usually isn’t easy for adults with ADHD. These tips can help.

Structure is a challenge for adults with ADHD, and it’s something you tend to eschew. But as Rayburn said, structure is the “scaffolding that holds an ADHD life together.” Thankfully, you can create structure on your own terms—with routines, habits and systems based on your body clock and preferences.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/29/adhd-and-adults-how-to-create-a-routine-when-you-dont-have-a-9-to-5/

Scrupulosity OCD — You Have Choices!

“I’m such a sinner. I’m supposed to have pure thoughts. I’m so wicked!” Destiny’s incessant thoughts compelled her to pray, sing hymns, confess, and repent to no avail. Her religious leaders kept telling her that she was not a sinner. They reassured her by telling her that she was a good person. She didn’t know her reassurance seeking was actually a compulsion that kept strengthening her OCD.

Her anguish and her need to control her thoughts were affecting her overall functioning. Every time she experienced “impure” thoughts she felt unworthy of happiness or anything good in her life. Her anxiety would swell through her body as a wave that left her feeling guilt and shame, even though she had not sinned. Her OCD mind would tell her otherwise and she believed her thoughts. They were true, weren’t they?

When individuals experience intense emotions caused by their thoughts, they become their reality, and that is a fact! However, ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) teaches that it is not about whether something is true or false. It is about whether an internal experience such as a thought is helpful in the present moment. ACT therapists teach that individuals can learn how to respond to their private events (thoughts, feelings, sensations, urges, etc.) with flexibility.

Individuals with scrupulosity OCD try to do what it takes to get rid of their “impure” thoughts. Then unpleasant feelings ensue, and soon enough, they are reinforcing the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder cycle. They inadvertently program their mind to repeat these thoughts. On the other hand, people who don’t have OCD may also experience similar thoughts, but instead of trying to figure out why they are having such thoughts and obsessing about them, they acknowledge them and may say something like, “that’s a weird thought,” and then are able to move on. OCD sufferers get stuck. They believe they should not have such thoughts at all. They dig in deeper and end up in the proverbial rabbit hole.

If you are being challenged by scrupulosity OCD, you are probably a very faithful and religious person, and you believe in an all-knowing Supreme Being. Is it possible that if He knows your “horrendous” thoughts, He also knows you have OCD? If so, He will most likely give you a free pass. Does that make you feel better? Perhaps not because that was a reassuring comment. Such statements are never enough for OCD.

Control and Choices

When individuals experience scrupulosity OCD, the need to control one’s thoughts is foremost in their daily lives. Controlling the initial thought is impossible, but the OCD mind leads you to believe you can. You can learn to look at your thoughts with flexibility. You can commit to practice skills that will enable you to get unstuck from the darkness you experience when you try to resolve and figure out unpleasant thoughts.

You can choose to become adjustable with your unpleasant thoughts. You can decide whether to reinforce the OCD brain pathways or to do something different. You can notice your amazing mind (the thought-making machine) blurt out thoughts all day with a different mindset.

When you are in the middle of an OCD moment, your amazing mind will try to solve the problem for you. It will find numerous possibilities and reasons for your “impure thoughts.” But remember the end result appears to be the same every time — it is never enough. The doubt will continue again and again.

Learning to observe one’s thoughts takes time and patience. It’s worth learning how to notice them without engaging in a conversation with your amazing problem-solving machine. You can start taking small steps by trying the following exercises every morning:

1. When you wake up, notice what you are thinking or feeling by labeling the experience. For example: “I am noticing that I am having the thought that…(describe the thought)” or “I am noticing that I’m having the feeling of…(describe the feeling).” Continue noticing for at least three minutes before getting up.
2. When you are brushing your teeth, narrate your actions. Be attentive to the thoughts that come up. Tooth brushing can be a mindless activity, but you can start practicing being an observer of your thoughts.
3. Practice mindfulness at least for the first 3-5 minutes of your daily shower. Use your 4 senses. What is the sensation of the water on your head and body? Notice the temperature of the water, the smell of the soap. Observe the drops of the water on your arms and the sound of the water as you move around, etc.
4. As you drive to work, every time you stop at a red light, briefly scan your body.  Notice the way you are breathing. Then take a slow deep breath. Do this at every red light!

Just like you notice your thoughts in your daily routines, you can also practice noticing the intrusive thoughts when they show up throughout the day. This is not easy and it takes practice. As you become an observer of your thoughts every day, you will make great discoveries. One of them being that you actually do have a choice: to grab the OCD thoughts or just observe them.

Your psychotherapist will provide additional guidance. Scrupulosity OCD doesn’t have to torment your life. You are wiser than OCD!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/29/scrupulosity-ocd-you-have-choices/

What Is More Important: Will or Skill?

“Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them-a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.” – Muhammad Ali

Recently, I was in conversation with the mother of a 20-something daughter who was finding it challenging to help her fly the nest and take responsibility for her own independence. The young woman has a part time job but doesn’t make enough money to enable her to move out. Rather than seeking additional employment, she spends much of her off time sequestered in her room on her phone, watching videos or talking with friends. Not much of an in-person social life.

“The will is stronger than the skills,” her frustrated mom commented. She elaborated that her daughter claims to want to be on her own, but seems lost in the maze as she attempts to find her way. Mom offers her independent living skills, making tried and true suggestions from her own personal and professional experience. Sometimes the ideas land in fertile soil, but more often, bounce off well-constructed shields the young woman has erected.  

How do parents teach their children to be proficient so that when they are on their own, they can maneuver through the world successfully?

Consider basic abilities you have gleaned over the years:

• Bathing, dressing, grooming and feeding yourself (called ADLs — Activities of Daily Living in the lingo of the healthcare field)
• Tying your shoes
• Riding a bicycle
• Reading and writing
• Driving
• Using a computer
• Making phone calls

Essential Skills for Independent Living

• Paying bills that include balancing a checkbook and budgeting
• Shopping
• Cleaning
• Cooking
• Finding your way either by driving or using public transportation
• Decision making/problem solving
• Time management/prioritizing
• Study skills if you are in school
• Interviewing and negotiating skills as you apply for jobs
• Relationship skills
• Organizational skills

The last one seems to provide an immense challenge for those to whom it does not come naturally. I can relate since for many years I was surrounded by piles of projects-in-process. Thus, many of my inspired ideas fell by the wayside. Since I have many symbolic plates spinning in my life, I have willingly acquired tools to enable me to prevent dropping too many of them. The guidance of my mentor echoes back from one of our initial encounters in the early 1990’s.

“Discipline is freedom,” she would tell me — echoing Aristotle’s words “Through discipline comes freedom.” I would roll my eyes until I recognized the wisdom in her words. It took practice until I could fully embody it.

There are some days in which I simply don’t feel like doing what is expected of me, but if I want specific results, I need to take inspired action. That looks like daily list making, keeping an appointment book with me, and doing a mental check that I have the “necessary” items that include, phone, wallet, keys, and brain in gear when I leave the house.

In my current position as a therapist in an outpatient group practice, I have created an organizational system that works well. There are some days during which I see 10 clients back to back with a 15-minute coming-up-for-air break on occasion. So that I can be fresh for each one, without carrying the energy of the previous session, I arrive 15-30 minutes early, gather charts and paperwork for each person and set them up in order on my desk. I document while speaking to them, having learned another important skill set that includes eye contact, while jotting down notes relatively neatly and legibly. I have learned that even if I assure myself that I will remember an important statement they make, inevitably, it will run the risk of slipping through the cracks. At the end of a long day (yesterday was one of them, that began at 10 and ended at 8), I compare my appointment roster with the one in the front office to be sure I am not double booking; something that has occurred from time to time. I methodically move through steps that 20 years ago, would have felt like an annoying inconvenience. These days, it is something I teach my clients who, like me, have issues with focus and distractibility.

Multi-tasking is a skill I dabble in as well, although I can’t say that I have mastered it. When I am working from home, I start a load of laundry and then move to writing an article, take a break to switch the clothes over from washer to dryer, and then return to the computer. I submit the finished product and then move to an editing job or promotional piece on which I am working Listening to music or an inspirational video enhances the experience.

Pre-plotting/planning is a newly acquired ability by which I visualize interactions, seeing the cast of characters in action, hearing my conversations with them. I envision the best possible outcome of our dialogues. By the time we do actually meet, it as if the event has already taken place and amazingly, there are times when it plays out word for word. It can be likened to the therapeutic intervention of role plays as clients rehearse what might be a challenging conversation.

A statement I make that may tie these concepts together is that most people don’t do the best they can. More often than not, they do the best they are willing to do. Where will your willingness take you and are you open to learning the portable life skills to make the trip worthwhile?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/29/what-is-more-important-will-or-skill/

Your Forecast: Warmer Moods Ahead

I live in Seattle.

Sunny days in the Emerald City are like the Sonics: a fond, wistful memory. As hearty Pacific Northwesterners can attest, Seattle’s daily deluge of rain (yes, it is daily and, yes, it is a deluge) can cloud one’s moods.

Last year, Seattle recorded 18 straight days of soggy weather. And this February was the second wettest in Seattle history. When the sky isn’t spritzing (a rarity), a dull haze appears. 50 Shades of Gray indeed.

For those Pacific Northwest souls with mental health issues, gloomy weather can induce lethargy. Yes, it took every last ounce of willpower to write this article — and not stagger to the couch for a slumber.

As rain batters down on you and your mood, here are steps to take to overcome that natural sluggishness:

First, acknowledge reality; it is scientifically proven that dreary weather impacts behavior. According to The Journal of Finance, sunshine induces positive mood and, by extension, positive behavior. When weather is milder, you are more likely to leave a generous tip or view a criminal defendant sympathetically. When the sun is raining down (yes, intentional word choice), I know that I am more solicitous of others.

Why, again, did I decide to live in soaked Seattle?

While a fortunate few live in Florida and other sun-splashed locales, the rest of us contend with Mother Nature’s unpredictable whims. But even without moving to Florida, there are ways to put yourself in the sunshine state. Here is how.

Let There Be Light

On Seattle’s rain-soaked days, the sky looms ominously. There is a grayness — even a drabness — darkening the day. My default response: climb into bed and wait for the dreariness to depart. But, in Seattle, the wait would be eternal.

As the gloominess threatens to envelop me, my own therapy box provides light (no pun intended). Popularly known as a UV lightbox, these clever instruments mimic the sun. Researchers have found that these devices improve your mood.

And, from personal experience, I am a true believer. When placing the lightbox next to my work computer, my mind — once slumbering through the day — suddenly awakens. I am sharper, my productivity and disposition are much-improved. And for a fairly reasonable price (I purchased my therapy box for $40), I can experience summer in Seattle year-around.

Sweat It Out

To counter Seattle’s daily downpour, I have been scheduling daily appointments at my local sauna. While the rain bludgeons, I am enveloped in a dry heat cocoon. In the sweltering sauna, sweat and toxins flood out of my taut body. Caked in a healthy, rejuvenating sweat, my mind feels refreshed. I am ready to tackle the day — and Seattle’s drizzly weather.

Well-established in Scandinavia, saunas are more than just restorative; they cleanse your body from harmful toxins. The Journal of Environmental and Public Health lauds saunas for their natural detoxification. And with saunas’ infrared rays, they can emulate the sun’s well-documented health benefits (triggering serotonin and related endorphins).   

Here Seasonal Affective Disorder is more aptly named Seattle Affective Disorder. As the sun plays (mainly) hide and (all the time) seek, my mood can be more angst-ridden than those iconic 90s grunge bands. But before you despair at the dreary weather forecast, remember there is light(box) at the end of the sauna.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/28/your-forecast-warmer-moods-ahead/

Caregivers: Remember to Care for Yourself

According to the Alzheimer’s Association, more than 5 million Americans currently have dementia, with Alzheimer’s dementia being the most common. Over 5 million caregivers are unpaid and devote countless hours to caregiving every year. All this while working and taking care of their own families. In fact, many caregivers are forced to take on a second job in order to help cover their loved ones expenses incurred by their illness of dementia. As one can imagine, over time, the stress of caregiving begins to take a toll, both financially and emotionally, and caregivers’ health begins to suffer.

Although stress is a normal part of everyone’s life, experiencing stress over a long period of time can have a negative impact on your health. It can lead to increased stress or anxiety, depression, obesity, a weak immune system, poor memory and concentration, and chronic conditions such as diabetes and cancer, and heart disease.

Signs and Symptoms of Caregiver Stress

• Too Much or Too Little Sleep
• Irritability
• Isolation
• Social Withdrawal
• Poor Concentration
• Feeling Overwhelmed
• Feeling Tired all of the time
• Weight Gain or Weight Loss
• Excessive Worry

In my experience in working with caregivers, the concept of self-care has seemed like a foreign one to them. More often than not I hear statements such as, “I just don’t have the time”, “I feel guilty doing something for myself”, or “I don’t have anyone to help me”.  Getting caught in the day-to-day rut is very common but it is vital to your mental well-being and health to be aware of the ill effects of caregiver stress.

So how can we ensure this takes place?

Get a Handle on Stress!

• Get Involved – Contact your Alzheimer’s Association chapter. Learn about the respite services they provide, Adult Day Care centers in your area. Getting some space is important in order to recharge your batteries and feel like you have a better handle on things.
• Join a Support Group – You are not alone. Find a caregiver support group in your area. You will find that talking with other caregivers can help with normalizing and validating your caregiver experience. By sharing stories with others, you can also learn tips on how to cope with your loved one’s behaviors.
• Enlist Help – Doing everything on your own is exhausting and will ultimately lead to caregiver burnout. Ask a family member, friend, or neighbor to assist you with staying with your loved one once a week so that you have time for yourself or simply run some much needed errands.
• Exercise – It helps reduce stress and levels of anxiety and it doesn’t have to be time-consuming. Take 10 minutes out of your day if you don’t have time for more. Take a walk, do yoga, dance or even garden! You will find that you will feel better just by spending a few minutes out of your day on physical activity and doing something that you enjoy.
• Get Regular Check-ups – Doing so is not only advised but necessary. Simply put, what would you do if your health declined to the pint that you could no longer care for your loved one?
• Eat Properly – We all know that stress can lead to unhealthy eating, weight gain, and poor health. Make sure to eat a well-balanced diet as this will keep you strong and give you energy.
• Get Sleep – Poor sleeping can lead to irritability. Ensuring a sleep routine can help you get the rest you need.
• Socialize – Staying connected with friends and family is highly recommended and can help you keep sane. Again, even if you can only carve out 30 minutes a day, just do it. You will find that it will make you a happier and better caregiver in the long run.

Aside from the above-mentioned, making a habit of using relaxation techniques on a regular basis can help with reducing your overall levels of stress, strengthen your immune system, and reduce your risk of chronic illness. Below are four simple techniques that you can practice on a regular basis and do not require you leaving your home.

Relaxation Techniques

• Breathing Exercises – Take a deep belly breath. Focus on your breath. Hold and count to four. Release meanwhile envisioning your stress leaving your body. Repeat for at least 5 minutes.
• Visualization – Close your eyes and mentally picture a peaceful, calm scenery or place. Imagine what it would smell like, sound like. Indulge your senses.
• Meditation – You can begin with practicing for 10 minutes a day. Find a peaceful spot in your home. Either close your eyes or focus on an object. Keep in mind that thoughts are not true. Acknowledge your thoughts but simply allow them to flow without judgment. This process allows you to let go of all stressful thoughts.
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation – Tighten and relax each muscle group, starting at one end of your body and working your way to the other end.

Seeking help from a therapist can also be extremely beneficial.  

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/28/caregivers-remember-to-care-for-yourself/

Best of Our Blogs: March 28, 2017

I just spent thirty minutes trying to teach my son how to say, “please” and “thank you.” It’s ironic when signs of disrespect and impoliteness reigns over courtesy and kindness these days.

It’s much easier to be rude than civil. It’s much easier to ignore race, discrimination and even illness than to openly communicate about it.

I think we’re trying to get our bearings as a country. We’re done with being pc. But we don’t yet no how to communicate in an open, curious way that invites conversation and not judgment.

Since we don’t have the privilege of waiting for the world to change, we need to work on what we can change-ourselves.

The theme this week is the impact of childhood on our current lives. Scapegoating and other symptoms of dysfunctional families can raise narcissistic, unhappy and disrespectful adults. These posts will prevent your difficult past from interfering with your life.

You Don’t Get a Childhood When You Grow Up in an Alcoholic Family
(Happily Imperfect) – If your childhood was chaotic, unpredictable and fearful, you may not know what a normal childhood looks like. This is what you missed.

How to Survive a Dysfunctional Family
(Psychoanalysis Now) – It won’t be easy, but you can find peace and happiness even if you are the scapegoat in your family.

You Matter Too: Coping with Narcissistic Co-Parenting
(The Recovery Expert) – Are you fearful that your children are being brainwashed by a narcissistic parent? If so, this will help you reteach and recondition them to treat others with respect, empathy and kindness.

How Narcissism and A High Emotional Pain Threshold Ruins Relationships
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – Does it take you awhile to realize you’ve been hurt? Here’s what narcissism has to do with it and what you can do to stop it from interfering with your relationships.

What To Write To Sell Your Screenplay
(Hollywood Therapy) – It’s the valuable advice you need to read if you want to sell your screenplay.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/28/best-of-our-blogs-march-28-2017/

Sometimes Addiction Recovery Ends a Relationship

Letting go can be difficult in recovery; especially if it’s your marriage.

This morning as I was doing my gratitude ritual, I reflected on my two previous marriages that ended in divorce. I used to view them as failed marriages but today I see that they were both huge successes.

They fulfilled the expectations we both had for them.

I Couldn’t Save My Father From Alcoholism

As I look at my past from a place of love today, I see a great story. It’s filled with comedy, tragedy, suspense, and drama. Being able to detach from my story allows me to be thoroughly entertained by it. Some of the best parts involve my two previous marriages. I used to view them as tragic love stories, but today I realize that love didn’t really play a role in either of them. We were simply reacting to fears that we created in our own life stories; stories that we became addicted to.

Addictions are spawned from fear and fear cannot coexist with love.

The term love addiction is very misleading since it really has nothing to do with love. It’s used to describe an addiction that occurs when someone becomes dependent on another person to shield them from pain. Like any other addiction this always leads to harmful consequences. In my case it was two divorces and years of struggles as I tried to maintain healthy relationships with my children. Love, in its true form, has no harmful consequences. Because it encompasses so many things in our lives, sometimes its meaning gets a little cloudy so I like to describe it like this…

Love is everything that isn’t fear.

For me, that makes it super simple to distinguish. As someone who has spent the majority of his life battling addictions, I’ve become very familiar with fear. Fear is only capable of creating three responses, fight, flight, or freeze, none of which can support a healthy relationship for very long. In my role as a recovery life coach I see many relationships that were formed solely to support the addiction. In this case they need to be completely overhauled and started over from scratch. Unfortunately, this often results in one or both of them arriving at the painful conclusion that it’s time to part ways.

Just because it’s painful doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

I’d love to be able to sit here and tell you that my marriages ended amicably with both of us agreeing it was time to move on but that rarely happens, if ever. I’ve had people tell me theirs was mutually agreeable and acting as if it was some seamless separation but I find that really hard to believe. Any time we’re investing ourselves in a partnership there are these things called emotions…the most powerful forces in nature. I remember knowing that I didn’t belong with my ex-wife but still being so devastated from the breakup that I couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks because of the fear based emotions I created.

There’s no easy way to deal with such a significant change in one’s life as divorce but there are ways to empower ourselves and help us move into the amazing future that awaits us much quicker and with a minimum amount of pain. We do this by shifting our emotional state from a place of weakness (fear) to one of strength (love). I don’t mean to over simplify this because it is a process that requires effort. With that said, it can also be the greatest emotional and spiritual growth you’ve ever experienced.

Sometimes the greatest act of love is in letting go.

How I Lost My Marriage & Found Myself

There are a number of exercises and practices that I do with my clients to help make that shift and allow them to begin creating daily rituals of their own which empower them. For every fear based thought there is always a corresponding love based one. It’s simply a matter of which you decide to place your focus on.

I’m so grateful for the experiences I shared with both of my former wives and I’m happy to say that we all love and support each other today. In fact, they both agree that I’m a much better ex-husband than I was a husband. Divorcing them allowed me to create love based relationships with them for the first time.

Sometimes, divorce is simply allowing the ugliness to exit in order to make room for the beauty.

Rock On!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: When Recovering From Addiction Means Breaking Someone’s Heart.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/27/sometimes-addiction-recovery-ends-a-relationship/

Five Things to Do After Your Divorce to Help You Thrive

It’s completely normal to feel like your world has been turned upside down after going through a divorce. There is a plethora of emotions to work through, your living conditions are different, and even your daily routine has been completely altered. Life as you knew it will just never be the same.

Healing from a divorce and eventually moving on with your life takes time and effort. Here are five things to do to help you get back on track after your divorce.  

Seek counseling

Regardless of the reason for your divorce, getting counseling during and after your divorce can help you process through the losses and work through your emotions. Counseling can help bring about resolution and get you through a time that is completely devastating. Divorce counseling can help you get back in control of your life and make sound decisions about your future. Find someone you trust who specializes in divorce counseling.

Spend time alone

Don’t jump right back into dating immediately following a divorce. Take time to rediscover your passions and interests. When you have been a part of a pair for so long it’s easy to forget who you are as an individual. The relationship likely changed you as a person. Spending time on your own will help you figure out who you are when you aren’t attached to anyone else.

Create a new financial plan

Getting a divorce dramatically changes your financial situation. Your income, savings accounts, retirement plan, and spending looks completely different after a divorce. Once things are final and you are on your own, get your finances organized and create a new financial plan for yourself. Set up new savings and retirement accounts if you need to, create a monthly budget, and implement any lifestyle changes you may have to make in order to live within your new means. Being in control of your finances is one thing you can have complete control over during this time.

Do things for yourself

Living as a couple for so long meant that you had to make compromises and sacrifices frequently. Now that you’re free, go out and do some of the things you wanted to while you were married but that your partner held you back from. Maybe you could never eat red meat because of his high cholesterol levels or maybe she hated it when you wore a certain shirt. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do for awhile, just because you can.

Find support

Chatting with friends who have been through the divorce process and can relate to you can help immensely. Get together with them regularly for emotional support. There are also online support groups where you can connect with other divorcees any time of day and get support in a judgment-free zone. Talking about your feelings with others who have been down a similar road can be healing.

Going through a divorce can be an extremely difficult process. Taking care of yourself and getting support from family, friends and counseling can help you heal and move on with your life. It takes tools and resources to survive and thrive after a divorce, so utilize all that you can. You will get through it and can discover a whole new life after divorce.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/27/five-things-to-do-after-your-divorce-to-help-you-thrive/

Psychology of Empathy: Why It May Hurt More Than You Know

As a child, many of us are taught that it’s important to put yourself in another person’s shoes, to feel what they’re feeling. “How would you like it if Joey took your toy and smashed it?” This is an attempt to understand that our behaviors can have a negative impact in another person’s life — that our actions can hurt others.

So it’s no surprise that as we age, we tend to believe that it’s important to keep empathy in our lives when thinking about other groups of people — like the poor or disadvantaged.

But what if everything we thought we knew about the value of empathy was wrong? What if empathy hurts us more than it helps?

Empathy can be hard to understand (especially if you’re lacking in it). But for this article, we’re talking about putting yourself in another person’s shoes in order to feel what they’re feeling. The idea is that by experiencing another person’s pain, it will help us better understand their situation. In many cases, this is done as a prompt to action.

Yale University researcher Paul Bloom (2017) decided to delve into an analysis of empathy earlier this year. He acknowledges that empathy helps motivate good actions, such as donating money to a worthy cause. It is an invaluable trait of positive relationships and friendships.

Empathy’s Dark Side: One Over the Many

Empathy, however, pushes our emotional buttons. And in doing so, it can sweep aside logic — and even morality — to drive us to make a biased, poor choice. Empathy is a poor tool to use when making policy or other kinds of decisions (especially when scarce resources are available).

One sure way to invoke empathy in most people is to tell a story about a single person. In the article, Bloom cites the story used in a classic experiment about a 10-year-old girl named Sheri Summers. She has a fatal disease and is low on a waiting list for a treatment that will help relieve her pain.

Subjects were then given the option of moving her to the front of the list, although this would mean that another child, perhaps more deserving, would not get the treatment. The majority said no. However, if they were first asked to feel what Sheri Summers felt – an empathy prompt – their answers shifted and a majority chose to move her up (Batson et al., 1995). Empathy clashed with fairness, leading to a decision that most of us would see as immoral.

Numbers don’t move the needle in empathy — a single story does. And it helps if that story is about someone who’s a part of your “ingroup” — a group that shares traits you identify strongly with. Tell Americans tens of thousands of people died in the genocide in Darfur (nearly half a million to date), and they merely shrug and say, “Where is Darfur and why should I care?” Tell Americans an 18-year-old Caucasian American went missing while on vacation in Aruba, and you’ll get non-stop media coverage and people talking about it every day for weeks on end.¹

Empathy makes for lousy policy, because it puts the story of the victim above the value of data and research. That’s why policymakers love to trot out stories of individuals whenever they are looking to generate a vote or change in policy. Data (you know, actual facts) puts people to sleep, while a good story — and the empathic response it triggers in most people — gets them motivated.

Wielding Empathy as a Tool for Good — and Bad

There’s little doubt empathy can be used as a motivating force for change. That’s why so many people employ it in non-profit marketing. But just as it can be wielded to do good, it can also be wielded for causes of dubious value. As Bloom points out, “empathic pleas lead people to give billions of dollars to charitable causes that have few positive benefits, and sometimes make the world worse.”

Empathy can also be exploited to motivate people to harm others. In one study that illustrates this point, subjects were told about a financially needy student who was entering a competition for a cash prize (Buffone & Poulin, 2014). When motivated to feel empathy for the student, subjects were more prone to administer a greater dose of hot sauce to her competitor, although this person did nothing wrong.

As Bloom further notes, empathy was used to justify lynchings in the American South because lies were spread about white women being raped by African American men. These types of empathic appeals remain popular in politics today, too. “When contemporary politicians want to evoke hatred towards immigrants, they often tell moving stories about the innocent victims of crimes that individual immigrants have committed.”

Alternatives to Empathy

Empathy remains an invaluable emotional tool to employ, especially in your interpersonal relationships with others. It lets you better understand what your partner, family, and friends are going through, especially when beset by an injustice, difficult times, or harm.

But in adults, Bloom argues — somewhat convincingly — that compassion may be a more useful and less biased emotion. Outside of our personal relationships, trying to feel what others feel leads us to make biased, poorer decisions that could actually harm others. Empathy causes us to focus on unimportant things — like the fate of a single American — while ignoring larger moral concerns (like genocide!).

Compassion — feeling positive and warm thoughts toward another person without actually needing to experience their suffering — may be more beneficial. Research that Bloom points to suggests that when people employ compassion (rather than empathy), it results in less biased decision-making. It also seems that it may result in less burnout from “empathetic distress.” Mindfulness meditation promotes our compassion response. This may help explain why people who regularly engage in mindfulness are “kinder to others and more willing to help (Lim et al., 2015; Condon et al., 2013).”

We don’t need to get rid of our empathy for others. We just need to use it in more appropriate situations, where its strong, biased emotional response doesn’t cause us to make decisions that are logically — and morally — questionable.

 

References

Batson, C.D. et al. (1995) Immorality from empathy-induced altruism: when compassion and justice conflict. J. Pers. Soc. Psychol., 68, 1042

Bloom, P. (2017). Empathy and Its Discontents. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 21, 24-31.

Buffone, A.E. and Poulin, M.J. (2014) Empathy, target distress, and neurohormone genes interact to predict aggression for others – even without provocation. Pers. Soc. Psychol. Bull. 40, 1406–1422

Condon, P. et al. (2013) Meditation increases compassionate responses to suffering. Psychol. Sci. 24, 2125–2127.

Lim, D. et al. (2015) Mindfulness and compassion: an examination of mechanism and scalability. PLoS One 10, e0118221

 

Special thanks to Elsevier’s ScienceDirect, which allowed me to research this topic. It’s a great tool for anyone who needs access to academic research (outside of academia).

Footnotes:

1. Which really happened, the case of Natalee Holloway in May, 2005.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/27/psychology-of-empathy-why-it-may-hurt-more-than-you-know/

Healing the Fractured Self

Reconciling the kinds of deep internal divisions which trauma victims may experience, acknowledging and accepting the polar opposites in their own feelings and desires, can be the task of a lifetime.

Tags: abuse and trauma, in practice, relationships

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life http://counsellingresource.com/features/2017/03/27/healing-fractured-self/

The 24/7 Way to Sexual Success

If you type “sexual foreplay” into amazon.com, you’ll find 226 books on the subject. A brief look at the list of books will reveal that most of them concern foreplay in the bedroom — how to stimulate what part of the body and when. But what about the foreplay outside of the bedroom that happens 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

In my opinion, this is the most important kind of sexual foreplay of all. There are many things that you can do to turn your lover on when they’re out of bed, so that when you two find yourselves in that special moment, you’ll feel like experiencing each other sexually. Let’s look at some:

Listen to them

A person loves to know that their lover listens to what they have to say. And if they can repeat your words verbatim, even better. Don’t press your internal mute button the minute they begin to speak.

Be clean

I can’t stress how important this concept is. Take at least one shower a day. Wear clean clothes. Smell good. The road to sex is through the nose.

Have some initiative

People like their significant others to possess ambition, the ability to get things done. Don’t always let your partner come up with ideas for what to do on date night. You will be much more attractive to them, and they’ll want you (in that way) if you don’t remind them of a slug.

Stay faithful

This is very important. Most people don’t want to share their lover with others. If you want them in the sack, love exclusively the one you’re with.

Be a good parent

Loving someone involves loving their kids. Nuff said.

Learn how to converse

Study the fine oral art of give and take. If this means you have to listen to a podcast to have something to talk about, listen to two.

Make them laugh

Sex is always a little more fun if you’ve chuckled beforehand. Remember, goofiness can be good. It’s on every survey you’ll see; people love people with a sense of humor. If you’re not particularly funny, or you’re hard-pressed for material, memorize some Chris Rock jokes and repeat them back at strategic moments.

Give gifts

These don’t have to be extravagant, only thoughtful. The old standbys are always good for both sexes — flowers, jewelry, good music. The presents don’t have to be of the material kind, either. Clean the house. Your partner won’t want to stop with one sexual “melody.” You’ll get the whole symphony.

Learn to cook

What they say is true. A delicious lasagna is always a show stopper. (Don’t forget the garlic bread, tossed salad and brownies for dessert.)

Visit your local sex store

Even the most timid bedroom types will come alive in this titillating environment.

Let nature take its course

Turn down the lights, put on some jazz, pour yourselves some Merlot, and simply be true to yourselves in the most primal ways.  

Simply let nature take its course.

In conclusion, there are many texts that explain the “bedroom techniques” for foreplay.

I’ve shown you the 24/7 way to sexual success.

P.S. If you need some help in performing sexually, it wouldn’t hurt to pick up a book or two that explicitly address sexual function. I’d say if you haven’t cracked a book since high school or college, these are worth dipping into.

You can thank me later.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/26/the-247-way-to-sexual-success/