Using Your Imagination to Increase Your Patience

After a week of Spring Break with my kids, trying to take care of their needs while also working from home, I’m reaching the outer limits of my patience. What if there was a way to train myself to become more patient?

Past research into this subject by scientists has usually focused on increasing willpower, but a new study suggests that instead, using imagination is a way to becoming more patient.

“Whereas willpower might enable people to override impulses, imagining the consequences of their choices might change the impulses,” wrote study author Adrianna Jenkins, a postdoctoral researcher at UC Berkeley Haas School of Business. “People tend to pay attention to what is in their immediate vicinity, but there are benefits to imagining the possible consequences of their choices.”

To conduct the research, Jenkins and Ming Hsu, an associate professor of marketing and neuroscience, used a monetary award for participants. They were given choices about how to receive this monetary award, which stayed the same, but how it was framed, or expressed, was different. One group was told they could receive $100 tomorrow, or $120 in 30 days — this was the “independent” frame. The other group was told that they could receive $100 tomorrow and no money in 30 days, or no money tomorrow and $120 in 30 days. This was called a “sequence” frame. Same results financially, but different communication.

It turned out that people in the sequence frame group were able to better imagine the consequence of their choices. One participant, for example, wrote, “It would be nice to have the $100 now, but $20 more at the end of the month is probably worth it because this is like one week’s gas money.” Participants who had the independent frame presented to them demonstrated less imagination. One participant commented, “I’d rather have the money tomorrow even if it’s a lesser amount. I can get the things I need instead of waiting. Why wait a month for just $20 more?”

The more participants imagined the consequences of their choices, the more they were able to be patient in order to receive the greater reward. “We know people often have difficulty being patient,” Jenkins wrote. “Our findings suggest that imagination is a possible route for attaining patience that may be more sustainable and practical than exerting willpower.”

Which is good, because willpower, as many of us can attest, won’t always cut it!

This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/30/using-your-imagination-to-increase-your-patience/

Dialectical Behavior Therapy: For More Than Borderline Personality Disorder

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan in the late 1980’s is a specific type of cognitive behavioral therapy that was originally developed to treat chronically suicidal individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD).  It is now considered the treatment of choice for individuals with characteristics associated with symptoms of BPD such as impulsivity, interpersonal problems, emotion dysregulation, self-harm, and chronic suicidal behaviors.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a type of cognitive therapy that focuses on the balance between acceptance and change. DBT works with individuals to validate their pain and suffering while developing skills to make the changes needed to have a life worth living. The term “dialectical” refers to the philosophy of synthesizing two opposing perspectives or ideas that can exist simultaneously, such as acceptance and change.

A key component of DBT is skills training. DBT has 4 modules of skills, mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance. Each module helps individuals develops skills to manage their life more effectively and develop improved quality of life. The skills training and treatment of DBT is applicable to people with a wide range of mental health conditions to improve overall well-being, emotion management, and decrease negative emotions and distress. Therefore, DBT treatment or DBT informed therapy may be beneficial for individuals with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

DBT for Depression

Dialectical Behavior Therapy has skills to address specifically for people struggling with depression. DBT teaches mindfulness helping individuals learning to live in the moment rather than the past. DBT teaches increasing pleasurable activities to empower people to add more joyous experiences to their lives. DBT also teaches behavior activation and opposite to emotion action. These are evidence based tools for depression and it helps to know what works.

DBT for Anxiety

Dialectical Behavior Therapy gives individuals concrete ways to live in the present moment. It teaches people to observe, describe, and participate in the moment. For individuals with anxiety this can be particularly challenging. DBT focuses on mindfulness and how to use these skills to decrease the intensity of negative emotions so feelings become manageable.

DBT for Eating Disorders

Dialectical Behavior Therapy has been adapted for treating individuals with eating disorders and focuses on skills that increase mindfulness, appropriately regulate emotion, and safely tolerate distress. DBT helps individuals identify the trigger and utilize skills to avoid the eating disorder behavior.

DBT for Addiction

Dialectical Behavior Therapy has an adaptation for individuals with substance use disorders. The skills can be applied to understanding “dialectical abstinence,” which encourages abstinence (change) but acknowledges that should a relapse occur that recovery is still possible and progress was still made (acceptance). DBT-SUD focused on mindfulness (one day at a time and non-judgmental stance), distress tolerance, and emotion regulation skills to help individuals develop long term recovery skills. The skills can also be applied to other types of addiction than just substances such as gambling.

DBT for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is shown to help clients with PTSD decrease the frequency and intensity of symptoms. DBT teaches distress tolerance skills to manage crisis, such as grounding skills, and mindfulness skills to bring individuals to the present. DBT can address and decrease dangerous behaviors common among survivors or trauma; DBT helps individuals develop effective interpersonal skills for setting boundaries and learning trust the self; and DBT teaches skill to regulate emotions or other symptoms of PTSD on a daily basis.  

DBT is a skills focused treatment based on CBT and learning theory and it is not diagnosis specific. DBT is currently used and a highly effective treatment for an array of mental health issues. If you think DBT could be for you don’t hesitate in seeking a therapist trained to offer Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/30/dialectical-behavior-therapy-for-more-than-borderline-personality-disorder/

How to Let Go of the Thoughts that Cause Depression

Depression is different from other illnesses in that, in addition to the physiological symptoms (loss of appetite, nervousness, sleeplessness, fatigue), there are the accompanying thoughts that can be so incredibly painful. For example, when my Raynaud’s flares up, the numbness in my fingers can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t tell me that I am worthless, pathetic, and that things will never ever get better. During severe depressive episodes, however, these thoughts can be life-threatening: They insist that the only way out of the pain is to leave this world.

Being able to manage our thought stream will direct us toward health, as our thoughts are constantly communicating with the various systems of our body, either sending certain glands or organs an SOS in distress, or a note that everything is fine, resulting in calm. But being able to harness this craziness in the midst of depression and anxiety is so very difficult.

Here are some of the ways I try to let go of the thoughts that cause depression and anxiety. Some days I am much more successful than others.

Identify the Distortions

I have benefited immensely from David Burns’ book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy — from doing the cognitive behavioral therapy exercises he prescribes to identifying the various distortions in my own thinking that he presents in his book and his workbook. They include:

1. All-or-nothing thinking – I look at things in absolute, black-and-white categories.
2. Overgeneralization – I view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
3. Mental filter – Dwelling on the negatives and ignore the positives.
4. Discounting the positives – Insisting that my accomplishments or positive qualities don’t count (my college diploma was a stroke of luck … really, it was).
5. Jumping to conclusions – I conclude things are bad without any definite evidence. These include mind reading (assuming that people are reacting negatively to you) and fortune telling (predicting that things will turn out badly).
6. Magnification or minimization – I blow things way out of proportion or shrink their importance.
7. Emotional reasoning – Reasoning from how I feel: “I feel like an idiot, so I must be one.”
8. “Should” statements – I criticize myself or other people with “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” “musts,” “oughts,” and “have-tos.”
9. Labeling – Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” I tell myself, “I’m a jerk” or “I’m a loser.”
10. Blame – Blaming myself for something I wasn’t entirely responsible for, or blaming other people and overlook ways that I contributed to a problem.

It doesn’t take long to identify one or more of these in your thinking. Just recognizing these traps can be helpful. You might then try one of the methods listed in Burns’ 15 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking. A warning, though: I’d wait until you have emerged from a severe depressive episode before you attempt some of these exercises. I’ve made the mistake of trying too hard to “fix” my thinking during severe depression, which has made it worse. It’s better to focus on the other ways listed below.

Focus on the Present

Although every self-help book I read touches on this, I am just beginning to really learn what it means to focus on the present and to appreciate the healing power of mindfulness, which, according to meditation teacher and bestselling author Jon Kabat-Zinn, is “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” If we continue to practice this, he explains, “this kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity, and acceptance of the present-moment reality.” It’s not that we don’t feel the hurt, rage, and sadness that lives at the surface of our minds. It’s not an attempt to escape all the suffering that is there. But if we can observe all of our projections into the past and future — and all of the judgments that are part of our thought stream — and simply get back to what is happening right now, right here, we can allow a little room between our thoughts and our reality. With some awareness, we can begin to detach from the stories that we spin and from the commentaries that are so often feeding our pain.

One of the best ways we stay present is by keeping our attention on our breath. Vietnamese Zen Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh instructs us that with each in-breath, we might say, “Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.” And with each out-breath, “Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.” In his book You Are Here, he explains that mindful breathing is a kind of bridge that brings the body and the mind together. We start by this simple gesture of watching our breath, and then by this mindfulness of breath we begin to stich the body and mind together and generate a calm that will penetrate both.

Apply Self-Compassion

“Self-compassion doesn’t eradicate pain or negative experiences,” Kristin Neff, PhD, explains in her book Self-Compassion. “It just embraces them with kindness and gives them space to transform on their own.” It gives us the “calm courage needed to face our unwanted emotions head-on.” When I’m in the most pain — especially during a severe depressive episode — it is self-compassion more than anything else (cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, mindful breathing, etc.) that saves me and restores me to sanity. Nhat Hanh says that we should treat our depression tenderly, as we would treat a child. He writes:

If you feel irritation or depression or despair, recognize their presence and practice this mantra: “Dear one, I am here for you.” You should talk to your depression or your anger just as you would to a child. You embrace it tenderly with the energy of mindfulness and say, “Dear one, I know you are there, and I am going to take care of you,” just as you would with your crying baby.

It is so easy to be so cruel to ourselves without even realizing it. The ruminations that are part of depression beat us down and shred us until there is practically nothing there. That’s why it is so critical to apply self-compassion from the start, and treat ourselves, as well as our depression, as the scared little child that needs comforting, not scorn.

Acknowledge the Transience of Things

One of my favorite prayers is St. Teresa of Avila’s “Bookmark” that says:

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing;

God only is changeless.

Patience gains all things.

Who has God wants nothing.

God alone suffices.

If the religious language bothers you, Eckhart Tolle says much the same when he writes in A New Earth:

Once you see and accept the transience of all things and the inevitability of change, you can enjoy the pleasures of the world while they last without fear of loss or anxiety about the future. When you are detached, you gain a higher vantage point from which to view the event in your life instead of being trapped inside them.

Absolutely everything, especially our feelings and emotions, is impermanent. By simply remembering that nothing ever stays, I am freed from the suffocating thoughts of my depression — the formidable fear that this sadness will always be with me, as well as the circumstances that are causing it. By acknowledging the transience of life, I am again called to pay attention to the present moment, where there is more peace and calm than I think.

Join Project Hope & Beyond, the new depression community.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/30/how-to-let-go-of-the-thoughts-that-cause-depression/

Which Hot Button Words Are Dealbreakers in Relationships?

I was reading about certain words that should never be used in advertising because they yield poor results. The article pointed out that people are far less likely to click on the word “submit” on a web site because it is too committal. As an alternative, “click here” is better, and “click here to receive whatever is being offered” is better yet. The article went on to point out how language can be a turn on or a turn off when making decisions.

As I read, I started to consider some of the keywords that don’t fly too well in the realm of relationships. I couldn’t help but ponder words like “obey,” for instance; a word that was once the norm in traditional wedding vows (and may still be in certain circles). Using “obey” in the realm of relationships is a deal breaker for many of us, including several terms that mean something similar. (Ironically, when I looked up synonyms of “obey”, “submit” came up!) Even reference to the “head of the household” can be an indicator of a power hierarchy. If this is okay with you, no problem, but if not, paying attention to this kind of terminology may assist you in avoiding some major struggles.

In my work as an online dating advisor, I would guide people to watch for the themes they, or the people they were interested in, posted in their profiles. I encouraged them to watch for the underlying messages that they were sharing through, often unconscious, choices. Repetitious sexual content, mention of alcohol and drugs, complaints about previous partners, a clear portrayal of low self-esteem, or elevated ego are all little red flags to watch for in an online write-up. Even in our face-to-face relationships, we all drop indicators of our beliefs and attitudes everywhere we go through our language and choice of words.

Some words aren’t the issue themselves, but rather the problem arises with the timing of their use. For instance, “love” — a word we clearly associate with relationships — can serve as a bomb if dropped too soon or a detriment if not used soon enough. “Commitment,” “monogamy,” and “marriage,” can freak people out when thrown around too early in the dating process, as well. And equally, at some point in the relationship, a lack of willingness to use these terms may be a deal breaker.

What we call each other at different stages of the relationship may also be an indicator calling for attention. Referring to your date as your “boyfriend,” or “girlfriend” can cause just as many problems as referring to your boyfriend or girlfriend as your “date” or your “lover.” Your level of commitment, or lack thereof, is revealed in your choice of labels, as is how you define the relationship.

How we refer to sex may also be a trigger. For some calling it “making love” (instead of sex) may be an issue, while for others it may be exactly the other way around.

How we talk about previous partners and past relationships can also reveal hot button issues. I have a friend who is adamant that people should refer to their previous husband or wife as “former spouse” rather than their “ex”, as he feels it is far more honoring of the major role they have previously played. While you may prefer not to honor those that have come before you, the truth of the matter is that in time you may be the next on the “ex” list wishing for more honor.

For me, a hot button is to refer to breaking up as “dumped,” as in “I dumped him or her.” We dump trash, not people. Using this term for breaking up can be an indicator that the respect levels of people and relationships may be sorely lacking.

People will often reveal early in the relationship where the big issues will lay ahead simply in their words. The problem is that we don’t often listen, or pay attention until the situation gets out of control. While everyone’s hot button issues may be slightly different, we would all benefit by paying a little closer attention to what is said, what is meant, and what is being revealed.

Rather than just considering what your hot button issues are when someone else utters them, be sure to practice awareness of the words you use as well — the words or the timing of your words, that may be pushing others away. Your own clarity and impeccability with the alignment of your words and your intended meaning will set the tone of deeper discussions, and greater understanding.

What are your hot button words or terms in the realm of relationships?

This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/29/how-do-keywords-apply-to-relationships/

The New Perfection: Pretty Good

Welcome to the University of North Carolina or, more apropos, the University of No Chance. At least regarding my likelihood of graduation.

A self-conscious freshman, I remember the red ink coating my first Chapel Hill exam. As I replayed the exam, those latent doubts about my academic ability crescendoed into full-throated roars. What am I doing here? I wondered. I don’t belong at such a prestigious university. Will I even make it to graduation?

During my freshman year, Fear Factor was more than a reality television show. There were panicked phone calls to my beleaguered mother. Somehow an Econ 101 exam (or another test) was indicative of my intelligence, academic future, and job employability.

From my admittedly strained logic, an unsatisfactory grade doomed me to a career specializing in office drudgery. In this black and white (and Carolina blue) environment, I first experienced the perfectionist’s pratfalls.

Growing up, I was an unrelenting perfectionist. For one middle school science project, I shredded one draft after another. The project needed to be “perfect” — or else it faced a quick, merciful death in the wastepaper basket. An overflowing wastepaper basket.

Welcome to the perfectionist’s creed. In our ceaseless quest for perfection, we forget that pretty good is, well, pretty good.

As I have aged and wizened, I chuckle and, yes, wince at my youthful perfectionism. But there are still those nagging questions: Is this good enough? Am I good enough?

Like most perfectionists, there is a perverse pride in criticizing — even demeaning — myself. By holding myself up to lofty, unrealistic standards, I inoculate myself from external criticism. It isn’t valid; they don’t share my ambition and drive. But in this vicious quest for perfection, I mastered the art of self-sabotage. As my overriding fear of failure and rigid adherence to perfection threatened to topple me, I would retreat into the familiar and — shhh — easy.

With a hat tip to Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, I have slowly learned to change my thought process. How so? I have learned to embrace failure — albeit grudgingly.

As a youngster, I chafed at failure. If I couldn’t immediately grasp an academic concept, my roiling emotions would boil over. Perfectionism and impatience have been swirling currents throughout my life, derailing personal and professional accomplishments with a cold sneer.

Even now — before a new challenge, the fear of failure echoes through my synapses. My mind  shrugs off accomplishments with a casual wave. But Rubin’s “failure is fun” maxim reverberates–even more so as I transition into a new profession. I am more willing to embrace the unknown–writing for Psych Central, traveling to foreign countries, pursuing a graduate degree.

Failure still stings — that’s a given. But as a recovering perfectionist, I understand that you can ace one test and fail life’s most important one. And that lesson is more impactful than any degree or Econ 101 exam.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/29/the-new-perfection-pretty-good/

Psych Central Attends HealtheVoices 2017 Patient Advocacy Conference

This past weekend, a group of over 100 online health advocates gathered in Chicago to attend the third annual HealtheVoices conference. I attended because of the work I do as a mental health activist. Psych Central’s founder, Dr. John Grohol, sat on the advisory panel, and hosted a panel discussion about privacy and dealing with trolls online.

The organizers describe the HealtheVoices Conference as:

“… a first-of-its-kind, weekend-long conference that brings together online advocates from across various health conditions for an opportunity to learn, share and connect. Sponsored by Janssen Pharmaceuticals, Inc., a Johnson & Johnson company, the conference seeks to provide valuable content, such as tips to further engage and grow an audience; thought-provoking conversation; and networking opportunities for online health advocates.”

First Hand Account of HealtheVoices 2017

This was Dr. Grohol’s third year and my first year attending the HealtheVoices conference. As a first time attendee, my first impression was simply: wow. The three-day event was jam-packed with learning and networking opportunities, with lots of breaks mixed in.

Our agenda included educational classes such as E2 (Empathy and Emotion): Navigating the Advocacy Landscape While Maintaining Your Own Mental Well-Being, Storytelling in a Mobile World, and Media 101: Approaching and Building Relationships with the Media. They even offered Restorative Vinyasa Yoga early Saturday morning.

We also had group meals, where the organizers smartly moved our seats around to ensure we always sat with different people. This afforded us the opportunity to speak to everyone. I must admit, I didn’t initially like the idea, but by the end, I was really impressed with how it encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone and meet new people.

Hands down, my two favorite sessions were The Facebook Family of Apps & the Patient Journey and The 10 Fundamentals of YouTube: How to set a Creative Strategy. I learned a lot that will help me with mental health advocacy. I also realized that companies like Facebook and YouTube aren’t able to respond to health advocates individually. But because we were all in one place and worked together, we were able to attract their attention — hopefully to the benefit of us all.

Dr. Grohol led a panel discussion on the last day of the conference that focused on privacy issues and dealing with trolls online that featured Anna Norton (@thesnowapewife) and Kamaria Laffrey (@mrs_kam).

Mental Health Advocacy Meets Physical Health Advocacy

As this was Dr. Grohol’s third time attending the conference, he noticed the upward trend of mental health advocates in attendance. I heard that in years one and two, only four or five mental health advocates were included. This year, that number had ballooned into 11 total in attendance.

Dr. Grohol said, “I was especially happy to see that we’ve been able to grow the voices of people who represent mental health concerns at this year’s conference, because their voices have historically often been squelched or minimized. To hear how so many people struggle with mental health issues, even when it’s not the primary area of their advocacy, is also an eye-opening reminder that these things affect all of us, everywhere. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate against anyone, for any reason. It’ll hit you just as readily if you’re dealing with a chronic health condition as much as it will if you’re not.”

That mental health and physical health are linked was a great discussion that was had, both formally and informally throughout the weekend. One attendee told me that “just because you have [a physical illness] doesn’t mean you can’t have a mental health problem as well — and vice versa.”

Final Thoughts on HealtheVoices 2017

I believe that Dr. Grohol says it best when he said, “There are some truly amazing people in advocacy doing important work every day, helping others gain the support and understanding we would all look forward to, if newly diagnosed. I also have to express my appreciation for the good folks at Janssen, who have the vision for this conference and have expanded it every year, while listening to attendees’ feedback to keep improving upon it each time.

“Putting all these smart, passionate people together in one room has made a significant difference and impact. It helps to re-energize me every year, and helps me find renewed passion for my own work, too.”

Finally, he added, “This was just an amazing year for patient advocates and activists who attended HealtheVoices 2017.”

 

Janssen Pharmaceuticals reimbursed all attendees for their travel expenses for the conference, including room and board. All opinions expressed in the blog entry are the author’s own.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/29/psych-central-attends-healthevoices-2017-patient-advocacy-conference/

Psychology Around the Net: April 29, 2017

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

Regardless of which day you read this, chances are I’m trying (or have succeeded for that day) to get some exercise in. I made an appointment with my doctor last week to find out why I’ve been so, so exhausted lately. Any mental health concerns were ruled out, and my blood test results were top notch (as usual — go me!). So, she asked me about my exercise routine and, well…let’s just say my answer wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

Most of us know exercise is great for our mental health (and we should all know it’s key to physical health!), but did you know exercise can also help with fatigue and exhaustion? I did, but I suppose I was in denial. Oops.

Anyway, while I get my act together, enjoy this week’s edition which covers exercise as a way to help keep older folks’ brains sharp, how one artist uses sketches to illustrate her schizophrenia symptoms, the type of personality disorder that might be linked to certain types of social media use, and more.

Exercise ‘Keeps the Mind Sharp’ in Over-50s, Study Finds: Using a variety of brain tests, researchers saw evidence that aerobic exercises can help improve cognitive functions like thinking, learning, reasoning, and reading, and that muscle training exercises can help with memory and “executive functions” such as the ability to plan and organize.

These Illustrations Show What It’s Like to Live with Schizophrenia: After years of being diagnosed with various mental health conditions, 18-year-old artist Kate Fenner was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia and has used her talent to create art that represents her schizophrenia symptoms including hallucinations and how her condition sometimes robs her of self-esteem. Fenner hopes her honesty will help people understand Hollywood’s stereotypes are inaccurate (and often promote stigma) and also help others feel more comfortable talking about their mental illness.

How to Keep Your Energy Up When You’re Totally Stressed Out: Stress can zap both your physical and mental energy levels, but if you learn how to practice and prioritize, you can get those levels up and balanced.

Tanning Addiction May Be Linked to Alcohol Dependency, Mental Health Issues: A recent study from the Yale School of Public Health (funded in part by the National Institutes of Health, the National Cancer Society, and a grant from the American Cancer Society) examined a possible link between “tanning addiction” and people with other addictions and/other other mental health conditions. People with a psychological and physical dependence on tanning often also show other dependent behaviors and mental/emotional problems such as depression, exercise addiction, and alcoholism.

Gender Differences in Depression Appear at Age 12: A new study analysis based on findings from existing studying covering approximately 3.5 million people in 90 countries confirmed that depression affects more females than males. These gender differences relate to both symptoms and diagnoses and focus on depression appearing at 12 years old.

Having Lots of Facebook Friends and Instagram Photos Could Be a Sign of This Personality Disorder: That’s right, more studies on social media and mental health. Past research has already linked social media to depression and low-self esteem, but now a new study has found a “weak to moderate” link between social media use (especially people who have many social media friends and many uploaded photos) and grandiose narcissism (grandiose narcissism is the type associated with a superiority complex).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/29/psychology-around-the-net-april-29-2017/

6 Tips for Weathering Life’s Storms with Your Partner

How to grow stronger…together.

I just heard it again today. A friend was speaking about his life and reported on how different it is now than what he thought it would be at this point.

Yes, friends, life happens!

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Life has a way of taking unexpected twists and turns and there is often little or no warning.

Some changes are welcome and bring great joy and celebration. Some changes result in more work and effort, and some changes can knock us flat, bringing change to the entire course of our lives.

The old and traditional wedding vows include the words “for better or for worse” for a reason.

The big idea here is that we are committing to stick it out together, regardless of the things that life throws at us.

It is not so hard to deal with the good things that come along. It’s when we have to deal with “worse” that it can create a lot of stress, hardship, work and even conflict and division in our relationships.

Some of the changes in life that are hard to deal with might include: the loss of a job, getting a job that requires a major move, a natural disaster striking, an unexpected pregnancy, the loss of a child, a serious and/or chronic illness in your immediate family, the loss of close friends, caring for aging parents or the loss of a parent, a serious injury, and many others.

You made promises to each other to stick together, to stick it out and to be there for each other no matter what.

You had a dream of how life was going to be.

Things have changed, or if they haven’t changed yet, they will; and you are struggling. The reality is, so is your partner and whether or not you realize it, you might be taking it out on them.

What do you need to know and what do you need to do to get through it and not only stay intact as a couple but still able to thrive in your relationship?

These six basic concepts are a great place to start:

1. Be Prepared for Change, Because It’s Going to Happen.

As stated before, life happens, and it can change radically in a moment of time.

If we have never accepted the idea that things can change on us, it can be a hard pill to swallow.

Some never are able to come to terms with the change they didn’t ask for, didn’t deserve and didn’t want and remain distraught, depressed and disappointed for far too long.

Come to terms with the idea that things can change, and that you can and will adapt if and when it happens.

2. Allow Yourself to Whine, Complain, Moan and to Grieve!

Most of the changes listed above come as an unexpected shock and can hurt deeply. Depending on what you are dealing with, it may hit one of you much harder than the other, or it may nail both of you equally as hard.

In either case, allow time to have an emotional response.

When something hurts and hurts badly, we have to cry out in pain — there is nothing wrong with it — in fact, it is the right thing to do.

Not everyone you know may be able to handle your particular emotional reactions, so only share it with those who are safe for you, but let it out.

Take some time to whine about it, cry about it, gripe about it, talk about the unfairness of it all and grieve what you have lost.

While this is going on, give each other a lot of grace.

This part of dealing with change is no fun at all and is hard work, but it is part of the process.

3. Work to Move PAST the Emotions.

While we all need time to sit in our pain and whine a little, it is NOT healthy to stay stuck in this step.

You are two different people, and the time needed for this may vary for each of you. You may move past the pain for a while, and then be sucked back into it.

This is to be expected, and requires patience and grace when you and your spouse are moving at different paces.

Lots of honest, open communication needs to take place, many times late into the night.

Allow your spouse to move out of the pain when ready — even if you are not (and vice versa).

4. Be Determined to Pull Close Together, not be Pulled Apart.

Because we all deal with grief and loss differently, we cannot expect our spouse to handle it exactly as we do.

Grief and loss sometimes cause confusion, at other times anger; and we sometimes need someone or something to blame.

You came into this loss together.

As you learn on a deeply intimate level what it is like to grieve together, you can come out of this stronger than before it all started; but, it will take effort, work, and determination.

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5. Don’t Go Through It Alone.

While the two of you may be feeling all alone, you are not the only couple to ever face this challenge.

The details of your ordeal may be different than others, but you are not the first to face the basic challenge in front of you.

Others have faced it and have successfully gotten through it. You can too.

If you have spiritual resources, tap into them, turn to trusted friends or find a support group or chat room online that is helpful and supportive.

6. Remember Your Commitment to Each Other.

Get back to the business of living your lives as soon as you are able to do so.

The thing that changed your lives may be a permanent part of your story now, but you still have the need and the right to live your lives and to enjoy your relationship.

It is OK to begin planning to enter back into a new “normal” of life and to begin having fun and celebrating the “better” that is still a part of your life.

If life is going well for you right now — enjoy every minute of it.

Just stick these thoughts in the back of your mind so that you don’t get knocked down for too long when life changes — because chances are it will.

When it does, you can successfully navigate it and continue to thrive as a couple.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Pull TOGETHER During Life’s Toughest Challenges (And Not Be Torn Apart).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/28/6-tips-for-weathering-lifes-storms-with-your-partner/

Involved Dads Strengthen the Couple’s Relationship

If you visit any playground, children’s sports game or peer competition, you will undoubtedly see that one parent pushing their child to climb just a little higher, run just a little faster and try just a little harder. While mothers hold the critical role of challenging their children with a gentle and nurturing hand, fathers teach kids to push boundaries, take risks and embrace challenge head on.

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research from Bringing Baby Home, dads offer something special and unique to their children’s lives from the moment they are born. Through their vast differences in infant play, parenting styles and teaching of life skills, research shows that fathers should be just as involved as mothers right from the beginning. Likewise, as fathers take equal ownership with parenting, the quality of the couple’s relationship is more satisfying and fulfilling during the transition to parenthood.  

Involved Dads Strengthen the Couple’s Relationship

Bringing Baby Home research concludes that fathers who were satisfied with their marriages at the time of the baby’s birth were more inclined to be engaged parents to their children and invested partners to their spouse. Dads tend to withdraw in marriages that are strained or stressful. Men who are happy and fulfilled with their partners are more involved, warm and emotionally available to their kids. In turn, active fathers benefit moms too. Women who have present and available spouses with co-parenting report feeling happier and more satisfied. They also become more comfortable and confident with their own parenting style and lessen the likelihood for postpartum mood disorders.

Fathers Play Differently

Studies show that dads are just as competent in knowing how to interact with their children as moms are. Dads are more lively, visual and tactile in how they interact with infants. They use rough and tumble play (“I’m a bear. Here me roar!” while chasing the child around the house) which helps infants learn crucial self-regulation skills. As dads can quickly and unpredictably elevate a child’s emotional state (such as wrestling or lifting a baby up and down), they can just as abruptly stop the activity, teaching infants early on that they must adapt to these alternating shifts in attention, thus preparing them to better regulate their own feelings later on in life. Research shows that when given the choice of play partners, two-thirds of two year-olds will choose dads as play partners over moms.

Fathers Have a Unique Parenting Style

Fathers tend to give infants more freedom to explore and encourage independence. More challenging by nature, they prepare kids to cope with the real world and focus less on making sure their child’s feelings are sheltered, but more on overcoming obstacles and seeking adventure. Men have high expectations of their children and expect them to meet the demands set forth by them. A little nudge from dad teaches kids to be brave and stand up for themselves in unfamiliar situations. By two to three weeks of age, an infant will look at dads entirely differently than they look at moms. When dad walks in the room, they become wide-eyed, playful and bright-faced, ready to tackle the world through dad’s deliberate instruction.

Dads Raise Smarter Kids

When fathers are highly involved and engaged, babies reap the benefits. They are more playful, curious about the world around them and learn to develop secure attachments with others. They have higher cognitive functioning at age six, are better problem solvers during their toddler years, have higher IQ’s by the age of three and grow up to be more empathetic. Fathers raise resilient kids who have fewer negative emotions like fear, guilt or aggression. They gain superior problem solving skills, are more resourceful and are better able to manage their emotions and impulses in an adaptive manner. They are less likely to be depressed later in life and see themselves as dependable, trusting, practical and confident adults.

Dad’s Benefit Too

Men who are hands on in parenting report more secure attachment relationships with their children. They not only report greater marital satisfaction and feel more connected to family life, but also find parenting more satisfying and feel a deep sense of meaning and significance to their child. Fathers develop self-confidence and find other roles such as work, community activities and leadership positions more gratifying overall.

Single Parents and Same-Sex Couples Can Also Raise Great Kids

A father possesses something special to a child that is undeniable, but single parents and same-sex couples can emulate the father’s critical role for their kids without negative repercussions. The key here is on the style of play. Caregivers who adopt high energy and lively interactions can replicate all of the essential benefits to raising sound, intelligent and emotionally stable children.  Most importantly, children need for nothing else than a loving, caring and supportive role model.

Men and Women each have a unique role to play when they become parents. Just as a mother’s vital role in caretaking should not be understated, it does not stand-alone. Men offer something remarkably important from birth onward. Not only do fathers have a great impact on a child’s emotional and social development, they also have a positive and lasting impact on their relationship.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/28/involved-dads-strengthen-the-couples-relationship/

Best of Our Blogs: April 28, 2017

These days, the world seems to be in the palm of our hands. We can follow our dreams. We can raise emotionally healthy and bright children while juggling a successful career. We’re health conscious, socially conscious and environmentally conscious.

But with all the opportunities for greatness, we’re so much further removed from what’s true and important.

These things are checklist ingredients for a seemingly perfect existence. We’re striving for perfection without realizing that reaching for all these areas require more than the 24 hours we have in a day. Behind the social media photos, is real life, which is a whole lot messier, and imperfect than it appears to be.

To reconnect with reality, our posts you will reveal the truth behind the things you were taught as a child, what your narcissistic friend means, why people really quit taking their meds, and what’s really required for a good conversation.

How to Translate Narcissist-Speak
(Narcissism Decoded) – What a narcissist says and believes are two different things. This will help you decipher what they really mean.

How To Learn To Trust Yourself When You Are From A Dysfunctional Family
(Dysfunction Interrupted) – These are the messages you got from childhood that explains why you struggle with issues of self-trust, and self-worth.

5 Reasons People Stop Taking Antipsychotics
(Bipolar Laid Bare) – Treatment compliance is a serious issue. Do you fall into one of these common reasons for medication non-compliance?

The 10 Lessons of Childhood Emotional Neglect
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – If you grew up believing you’re too sensitive or that crying is a weakness, here’s the truth of the matter.

10 Commandments of Conversation
(The Exhausted Woman) – Do you crave intimacy, but also fear it? Here are the things you need to know to cultivate a good conversation.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/28/best-of-our-blogs-april-28-2017/

Transgender Trauma

Where did the idea come from that it is acceptable to hate or judge someone because of their gender identity? I spoke with a transwoman today who fears leaving her home since she has been verbally attacked and threatened with physical harm. She has also been criticized by others who are trans because she has not embraced a gender binary.

A few years ago, she began the transition to what she perceives as her true self and not the gender assigned at birth as male. She had lived as a man for much of her life, married and had three children; all of whom she loves and who are supportive. She is a professional who lost her job, once she came out and is now seeking other employment, albeit with trepidation.

Like many, she has internalized transphobia. As self-loving as a person may be, it is often challenging to stand up to disapproval at least and threats on safety and life itself at most. It is also difficult when one doesn’t meet gender norms, in appearance as is so for this person. Compounded by the increased likelihood of physical danger either by random strangers or those the person knows, this is not a metamorphosis to be taken lightly.

There is also a high suicide rate among the population. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and The Williams Institute conducted a study regarding suicidality. What they discovered was staggering.

• Suicide attempts among trans men (46%) and trans women (42%) were slightly higher than the full sample (41%).
• Cross-dressers assigned male at birth have the lowest reported prevalence of suicide attempts among gender identity groups (21%).
• Analysis of other demographic variables found prevalence of suicide attempts was highest among those who are younger (18 to 24: 45%), multiracial (54%) and American Indian or Alaska Native (56%), have lower levels of educational attainment (high school or less: 48-49%), and have lower annual household income (less than $10,000: 54%).

As a cis-gender woman, I can’t fully comprehend her experience, but I can be an ally as I assured her. To me that means speaking up when I hear someone disparaging, using threatening transphobic language or mis-gendering. That came up in conversation with a client in my therapy practice who is an adolescent female to male transgender person whose mother is in a huge amount of denial about her child’s identity, Throughout our sessions, she insists on referring to him by the name and gender assigned at birth, I walk a tenuous line in this situation, since I want to validate my client and not alienate mom since she brings him to the appointments.

In the initial meeting, I told them both that I would use the name my client chose and refer to him with the male pronoun. This young person presents as gender neutral, sometimes coming in with dyed hair, wearing ear gauges and ripped jeans. Other times he is wearing clothing that would be considered culturally feminine.

Mom contends that it is a phase and is influenced by other young people who are going through similar explorations. She has no frame of reference to comprehend her offspring’s perception. Added to the mix is mom’s religious orientation that informs her beliefs that “God doesn’t make mistakes,” and her “daughter” was born a girl and should remain one. I attempted to provide education and support that would assist both of them in coming to terms with the situation. In an effort to reframe, I asked her what it would feel like to have her own reality altered and that her orientation be considered pathological. She was not able to accept that.

I have no doubt that she loves her child, but at the moment, is in denial that anything beyond her own reality is possible. She expressed that her concern was along the lines of the dangers of medical intervention that might take place, should her child pursue the transition. When I pointed out the other hazards involved, such as culture norms and risk for life and limb, she seemed to discount the severity.

There are, however, people who have successfully undergone the transition to counter gender dysphoria. One such is Nicole Bray who is a documentary film-maker married to her wife, Lori Cichon Bray. They were wed as husband and wife nearly 10 years ago and their story is reassuring that with love, support, communication, solid psychological and medical care and commitment to the process, triumph is possible.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/27/transgender-trauma/

7 Ways to Spot a Lie

Whether you are talking to your child, a spouse, co-worker or friend, you may find yourself questioning their genuineness and wondering if they are telling the truth from time-to-time. Whether it’s debunking a little white fib or uncovering a large-scale lie, it is important to be able to tell when people are not telling the truth.

Here are seven ways to spot a lie:

1. Examine body language.
   When someone is lying, his or her body language can often give you a clue. They may have fidgety hands or hide their hands completely. They could shrug their shoulders and not stand tall, or may make their bodies appear smaller so they feel less noticeable. Watch for these physical signs to gauge if someone is being honest with you.
2. Watch facial expressions. 
   When people are in the middle of a lie their facial expressions may show you. Look for flared nostrils, lip biting, rapid blinking or sweating. These changes in facial activity signify an increase in brain activity as a lie begins. Some people will get a slight flush to their face when they are lying, so look for blushed cheeks as anxiety may set in.
3. Pay attention to tone and sentence structure. 
   When people lie their speech tone and cadence may change. They could start speaking with a higher or lower tone than normal, and either speak more slowly or rapidly. Their sentence structure may become more detailed, including very specific information than is usual. This again is their brain working in overdrive.
4. Look at mouth and eyes. 
   Someone who is lying may cover their mouth or eyes with their hands, or close them altogether. Both of these come from a natural tendency to want to cover a lie.
5. Listen to how they refer to themselves. 
   People who are lying tend to avoid using the words “I” or “me” when they are in the midst of a lie. Sometimes they will speak about themselves in the third person by saying things like, “this girl.” This is how they mentally distancing themselves from the lie.
6. Have all the answers. 
   Usually when you ask someone a question, such as “what did you do this weekend?”, they have to pause for a moment and think about it. When an individual is lying, they often rehearse their answers, so they are prepared in their responses and don’t have any hesitation. It can be a dead giveaway if they have immediate answers to everything without pausing to think.
7. Trying to prove their honesty. 
   When people are honest, they usually expect that you will believe them. If someone says phrases such as “to be perfectly honest” or “I swear I’m telling the truth” that could clue you in that they are lying. Honest people don’t feel the need to convince you of their honesty.

If you pay attention to people’s body language, facial expressions, how and what they are communicating, you can become pretty good at spotting lies. Whether you are dealing with someone who is a pathological liar, or your teenage son who is trying to weasel out of a punishment, it can be helpful to know when someone is likely lying to you.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/27/7-ways-to-spot-a-lie/

Podcast: OC87 Recovery Diaries – Real People, Real Stories

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, host Gabe Howard talks with Glenn Holsten and Gabriel Nathan. Glenn is the award-winning director of OC87, the groundbreaking film that led to the OC87 Recovery Diaries website, of which Gabriel is the editor-in-chief. The OC, in this case, is not Orange County, but Obsessive-Compulsive. The website features mental health music, art, interviews, movie reviews, essays, recovery videos, and much more.

Glenn Holsten

 

 

Listen as Our Hosts Learn About OC87 Recovery Diaries

 

Gabriel Nathan

About The Psych Central Show Podcast

The Psych Central Show is an interesting, in-depth weekly podcast that looks into all things mental health and psychology. Hosted by Gabe Howard and featuring Vincent M. Wales.

 

Gabe Howard is a professional speaker, award-winning writer, and mental health advocate who lives with bipolar 1 and anxiety disorders. Diagnosed in 2003, he has made it his mission to put a human face on what it means to live with mental illness.

Gabe writes the Don’t Call Me Crazy Blog for PsychCentral.com as well as is an associate editor. He also writes and Video Blogs for Bipolar Magazine Online. He’s been a keynote speaker for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), MHA (Mental Health America), OSU (Ohio State University), along with many other venues. To work with Gabe please contact him via his website at www.GabeHoward.com or e-mail Gabe@GabeHoward.com.

Vincent M. Wales is the author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. He lives with persistent depressive disorder and is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor with additional counseling background. A Pennsylvania native, he obtained his BA in English writing from Penn State. While a resident of Utah, he founded the Freethought Society of Northern Utah. He now lives in Sacramento, California. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

Previous Episodes can also be found at PsychCentral.com/show.

Subscribe to The Psych Central Show on iTunes and Google Play.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/27/podcast-oc87-recovery-diaries-real-people-real-stories/

Living with “What If” — Addressing Anxiety

There are many people who don’t know that their hesitations, fears, and even compulsive “musts” throughout the day are actually stemmed in anxiety. Regardless if the anxiety is caused from stress or trauma, the longer anxiety is ignored — the worse it usually gets.

If your life is plagued by “what if” moments, then it is time to address your quality of life from a mental health standpoint. It is important to know that not all anxiety disorders are the same, however all of them can cause such distress that it interferes with your ability to lead a normal life. The “what ifs” can become immobilizing and then the stress can lead to actual physical disability.

When you ruminate on every situation or “what if”, the big and the small can create  a perfect storm of symptoms that will then result in even more anxiety. Trouble sleeping, issues with eating too much or too little, lack of concentration, headaches, and even stomach upset can all be the result of “what if” anxiety or challenges making decisions.

As a licensed therapist, I tell people all the time to own their anxiety. Don’t run from it. Don’t hide it. Accept that you have it and then find someone to help you work on getting ahead of it. The last thing that you want to do for your body or for your mind is to try to ignore the “what if” questions in your mind.

Separating fact from fiction is important, too. If a “What if” question is getting the best of you, and you are in between appointments with your therapist, try to weigh out the scenarios. For example, if you’re afraid to get in a car to drive to the grocery store because “what if” you get into a car accident, set yourself up to examine the facts and weed out the fiction. Yes, car accidents do happen, but we can’t predict when they will happen. We can, however, try to work hard at preventing them. So, ask yourself a series of questions about your “what if” scenario as a way to separate fact from fiction and then assess the risk and the result. In the case of our example, if you don’t go to the store for groceries, the result is you probably will go hungry. If you are careful, aware of your surroundings, drive defensively and take the risk of driving to the store, you probably will not go hungry. Ruminating about all the “what ifs” is wasted time and energy. Assessing and addressing is a better coping strategy.

Remember, anxiety is a real thing. Your “what ifs” can cause mental and physical distress. It is very important to work with a professional to address the issue and type of anxiety that you have so you can refind your joy in living again!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/26/living-with-what-if-addressing-anxiety/

The Mystery of Men in Therapy Revealed

Why is it that so many men feel more comfortable opening up to a therapist — essentially a stranger — than they do their own spouse? Do they trust their therapists more than their wives? The short answer is, no, they don’t. The slightly more complicated answer is that they’re afraid to let the one woman who they’re closest with — the one woman they’ve professed to love and protect — know that they, too, are at times scared, confused and dare I say it…sensitive.

The Social Stranglehold

Although men have, over time, become more open with their emotions, the reality is that many men still strongly identify with traditional values. They want to be the voice of reason in difficult situations, fix things, “handle themselves” and remain calm, cool, collected — and maybe even seemingly a little fearless — in the face of distress or potential danger.

As much as we’d like to believe these traditional values have shifted in our current culture, the reality is, well, not much has changed. Although there is, by far, much less stigma attached to men being in touch with their feminine side, they are still expected to remain as masculine as ever, at the same time.

I doubt many men who are old enough to call themselves men were encouraged to be emotional or vulnerable as children. Even if this were the case, it may not have been as well received as one would have hoped — whether at home, or in the workplace. With all of these conflicting expectations, men often feel lost, misguided and confused about who they are, who they should be and how they should present themselves.

It’s hard to imagine, as a female, what it would be like to not feel safe or even comfortable in crying whenever I feel like it, to console friends in an affectionate manner, or to talk openly about how out of control my emotions are that day. Unfortunately, men are given the short end of the stick by continually being restricted around expressing their emotions, as well as expectations of what it means to be a man.

Recapturing Emotions

Human beings are emotional animals. Our emotions are the center of our basic power. When our emotions are not expressed and named, we lose the vitality of that human power. Denying emotions — particularly for men — is something that, culturally, our society has taught us to do. Men are encouraged to keep their emotions hidden, subdued and repressed. As a society, in general, we are taught to ignore our feelings, to just power through everything. The more this message is sent, the more displaying emotion is seen as a weakness. Since the last thing men, confined by those traditional values, want to be perceived as is weak, they end up being kind of stuck.

This is where the mystery of men in therapy gets a little more obvious. When men choose to become more willing to share these perceived weak parts, they also begin creating a path toward self-acceptance. Self-acceptance often involves integrating the feminine and masculine. All self-archetypes are essential parts of us. When men give up trying to avoid feelings of sadness, dependence and hopelessness—and begin to understand the role emotions play — these disowned parts are freed. Instead of continuing to feel disconnected, that freedom helps them to feel whole again.

Realizing Your Authenticity

When, as a man, you realize, it’s okay to be stoic, confident, protective and strong, and, at the same time, vulnerable, sensitive, and loving, a profound transformation can happen. You can finally embrace all of what it means to be a man, empowered to be authentic, without fear of how that will be perceived.

Choosing to love and accept yourself will begin increasing your satisfaction, not only in your relationships, but also in your career, mental wellness and everyday living. There are too many men out there with incredible capacities for greatness to continue ignoring what has been societally oppressed. The more you can become comfortable with your emotions and accept them unconditionally, the more you can allow your true self to flourish.

It takes courage to allow the pain of self-disclosing. When done within the safety of the right environment and with the right therapist, it’s worth the discomfort. It can support your healing and show you what it’s like to be comfortable in your own skin.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/26/the-mystery-of-men-in-therapy-revealed/

6 Strategies for Achieving Any Aspiration

Maybe you’d like to move up in your company. Maybe you’d like to become more assertive. Maybe you’d like to become a better writer or runner. Maybe you’d like to start a photography business. Maybe you’d like to set stronger boundaries. Maybe you’re feeling stuck and would like to make a change. But you’re not sure about the specifics.

Whatever your aspiration or aspirations, the below strategies can help. These valuable tips come from Stephanie Kang, a coach and counselor who guides her clients toward greater self-acceptance and personal transformation.

Set meaningful aspirations.

First, make sure that the aspiration you’re setting is actually deeply meaningful and significant to you. “Our society heavily emphasizes doing, and productivity and achieving,” Kang said. In addition to setting action-oriented aspirations, she encouraged readers to create aspirations “about who they want to be, how they want to be, and what values are most important in their lives.”

For instance, Kang has worked with clients on developing a more compassionate relationship with themselves, being more present and living true-to-them lives. She’s also helped clients improve their relationships, process difficult emotions and pursue entrepreneurship.

Be strategic about support.

It’s essential to be honest with yourself about your limitations and to recognize that it’s OK to ask for help, Kang said. Which is often contrary to what we do, isn’t it? Often we feel terrible about our “flaws” or “weaknesses.” And instead of addressing them, we berate ourselves.

Kang suggested identifying the kind of help you need and the person that can provide it. For instance, you might want to take a more mindful approach to life, but you have no idea where to start. So you ask a friend who’s a yoga instructor for some pointers. Or you hire a coach who specializes in mindfulness.

“It’s important to realize that just because you don’t know how to do something, doesn’t mean it can’t be done.” Remember that you don’t need to figure everything out on your own. You don’t need to go it alone.

Acknowledge your stubborn self-doubt.

Self-doubt is the biggest obstacle that prevents individuals from achieving their aspirations, Kang said. Self-doubt includes everything from beating ourselves up to yearning for perfection. “[I]t seems we all have that voice inside telling us we aren’t good enough, or ‘should’ be doing something different or better than we are.”

Kang suggested creating intentional space for your doubts, because sometimes they simply need to be expressed. You could do this by journaling—or working with a therapist or coach.

Aim for 1 percent improvement.

According to Kang, “any small change that moves someone closer to their ultimate goal is progress.” Which is an important reminder not to set sky-high expectations.

She shared this example: If you’d like to speak up at your work meetings, it’s unrealistic to think that you’ll become the most vocal person in the room. Instead, your 1 percent improvement might look like noticing when you’d like to say something and jotting it down.

One of Kang’s clients wants to have a stronger relationship with his wife. For him a 1 percent improvement is an argument that doesn’t last as long or end as painfully, she said.

Focus on learning throughout the process.

Check in with yourself regularly, and reflect on any new insights you’ve learned, Kang said. For instance, one of her clients is working on overcoming fears at work. She’s learning everything from how she uniquely communicates to how to navigate her challenges. She’s also learning how present situations are related to past events.

Create a vision board.

Some of Kang’s clients are very visual and find it helpful to create a tangible illustration of their dreams. A vision board reminds you of the bigger picture and connects you to yourself.

To create your own vision board, Kang suggested gathering magazine clippings, photos, souvenirs and anything else that is inspiring or important to you. “[T]hese different pieces could represent your values, identity, important memories that have shaped who you are, your goals and aspirations, and so on.”

Use these images and objects to create a collage, or pin them to a board. As Kang said, “there’s no right or wrong way to do this.”

There’s also no right moment to start pursuing an aspiration. So if you’re waiting around, “know that now is the perfect time.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/26/6-strategies-for-achieving-any-aspiration/

You Can Do This: Uncover Your True Potential

“To uncover your true potential, you must first find your own limits and then you have to have the courage to blow past them.” – Picabo Street

Do you know what your true potential is? Have you ever given it much thought, or has it been something that you only occasionally spend any time considering? To be able to prepare a roadmap or timeline for achieving goals, you first must have some goals in mind. This generally means that you have some inkling what you ultimately want to do with your life, although many goals are simply interim accomplishments while you actively search for that overriding meaningful life purpose.

Still, trying to figure out what you’re made of and, even more important, what you are capable of, takes time. There’s no simple shortcut that can propel you past the decision-making process without much effort. In fact, unlocking and discovering your true potential can take a lot longer than you think.

It can also occur rather quickly.

So, what’s the secret behind uncovering your true potential? What steps can you take to ensure you’re on the right path to be able to figure this all out? Here are some tips:

Pick an area of interest and study up on it.

So, what if you don’t know a thing about creating an organizational structure, crafting a business proposal, securing a home loan, applying for college, asking someone out on a date (really, there’s a first time for everyone)? There are resources available to help you gain the information you need as well as tips on how to go about the process. Take some time to research and study the topic to see if it warrants further interest and effort. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. At the very least, you’ll find some things that pique your interest and maybe more than that.

Take the first steps — even if it’s scary.

Granted, some undertakings are massive in scope. Knowing they’ll take a great deal of time and effort might be enough to dissuade you, but if you believe this is something that’s important to your future, take the first steps. You can always alter course later if it turns out this isn’t an area you want to pursue further. To make any substantive progress, however, you need to begin at the beginning.

Regard all mistakes as learning opportunities.

You’re not going to be successful on the first try with everything you do. You will run into obstacles. That’s a given. Some of these will be huge, enough to cause you to think about quitting. Others won’t be so difficult and you’ll be able to navigate them without too much difficulty. Still, mistakes will be made. It’s up to you to learn what you can from them. Even if it seems painful or impossible, there is a lesson in every mistake or perceived failure. You won’t know what you’re made of or be able to unlock your true potential if you refuse to learn from your mistakes.

When you encounter a hurdle, find the strength to push past it.

No doubt you’ll encounter many an obstacle that seems formidable. You might be tempted to quit and go on to tackle something else, perhaps something a little less strenuous or demanding. But this isn’t the time to give up; it’s the time to push on. So, you’ve reached what you think is your limit. Is it really the best you can do? Is this all you have to give or do you have a reservoir of strength that you can draw on? Some of the most remarkable discoveries occur at the precise moment of a seeming dead-end. Find your strength and courage and be willing to push past the hurdle. Your true potential will always be just ahead of you. If you keep your eyes open, stay focused on the present and put forth your full effort, you will begin to see it and be able to create action plans to achieve the next desirable goal.

Nothing is impossible.

The first person to climb Mount Everest probably thought it was an impossible mission. Pursuing a heartfelt goal, no matter how difficult, time-consuming, physically and/or mentally draining shows you that you’ve got substance, persistence and a compelling desire to see a challenge through. Remember that nothing is impossible, if you fully commit to it and are willing to endure the obstacles and tough times you’re likely to face.

Keep this in mind: If you want to uncover your true potential, you must be willing to work for it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/25/you-can-do-this-uncover-your-true-potential/

When Family Members and Friends Don’t Understand Depression

We’ve come a little way in reducing the stigma that’s associated with mental illness, but not nearly far enough.

Consider these results pulled from a public attitude survey in Tarrant County, Texas, conducted by the county’s Mental Health Connection and the University of North Texas in Denton to determine the community’s view of mental illness:

• More than 50 percent believe major depression might be caused by the way someone was raised, while more than one in five believe it is “God’s will.”
• More than 50 percent believe major depression might result from people “expecting too much from life,” and more than 40 percent believe it is the result of a lack of willpower.
• More than 60 percent said an effective treatment for major depression is to “pull yourself together.”

Unfortunately, these beliefs are often held by those closest to us, by the very people from whom we so desperately want support.

Resenting them for their lack of understanding isn’t going to make things better, though. It almost always makes things worse. Whenever I hit a severe depressive episode, I am reminded once more that I can’t make people understand depression any more than I can make a person who hasn’t gone through labor understand the intense experience that is unique to that situation. Some people are able to respond with compassion to something that they don’t understand. But that is very rare.

Don’t Mistake Their Lack of Understanding for a Lack of Love

Whenever I try to open the doors of communication and express to a family member or friend how I am feeling, when I try to articulate to them the pain of depression, and am shut down, I usually come away extremely hurt. I immediately assume that they don’t want to hear it because they don’t love me. They don’t care enough about me to want to know how I am doing.

But distinguishing between the two is critical in maintaining a loving relationship with them. My husband explained this to me very clearly the other day. Just because someone doesn’t understand depression or the complexity of mood disorders doesn’t mean they don’t love me. Not at all. They just have no capability of wrapping their brain around an experience they haven’t had, or to a reality that is invisible, confusing, and intricate.

“I wouldn’t understand depression if I didn’t live with you,” he explained. “I would change the subject, too, when it comes up, because it’s very uncomfortable to a person who isn’t immersed in the daily challenges of the illness.”

This is a common mistake that many of us who are in emotional pain make. We assume that if a person loves us, he or she would want to be there for us, would want to hear about our struggle, and would want to make it better. We want more than anything for the person to say, “I’m so sorry. I hope you feel better soon.”

The fact that they aren’t able to do that, however, does not mean they don’t love us. It just means there is a cognitive block, if you will, on their part — a disconnect — that prevents them from comprehending things beyond the scope of their experience, and from things they can see, touch, taste, smell, and feel.

Don’t Take It Personally

It is incredibly difficult not to take a person’s lack of response or less-than-compassionate remark personally, but when we fall into this trap, we give away our power and become prey to other people’s opinions of us. “Don’t Take Anything Personally” is the second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic The Four Agreements; the idea saves me from lots of suffering if I am strong enough to absorb the wisdom. He writes:

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally … Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds … Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up ….

Protect Yourself

I have learned that when I fall into a dangerous place — when I am so low that mindfulness and other techniques that can be helpful for mild to moderate depression simply don’t work — I have to avoid, to the best of my ability, people who trigger feelings of self-loathing. For example, some people in my life adhere tightly to the law of attraction and the philosophies of the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne that preach that we create our reality with our thoughts. They have been able to successfully navigate their emotions with lots of mind control and therefore have trouble grasping when mind control isn’t enough to pull someone out of a deep depression.

I struggle with this whenever I fall into a depressive episode, as I feel inherently weak and pathetic for not being able to pull myself out of my pain, even if it means simply not crying in front of my daughter, with the type of mind control they practice, or even mindfulness or attention to my thoughts. This, then, feeds the ruminations and the self-hatred, and I’m caught in a loop of self-flagellation.

Even if they aren’t thinking I’m a weak person, their philosophies trigger this self-denigration and angst in me, so it’s better to wait until I reach a place where I can embrace myself with self-compassion before I spend an afternoon or evening with them. If I do need to be with people who trigger toxic thoughts, I sometimes practice visualizations, like picturing them as children (they simply can’t understand the complexity of mood disorders), or visualizing myself as a stable water wall, untouched by their words that can rush over me.

Focus on the People Who Do Understand

In order to survive depression, we must concentrate on the people who DO get it and surround ourselves with that support, especially when we are fragile. I consider myself extremely lucky. I have six people who understand what I’m going through and are ready to dole out compassion whenever I dial up their numbers. I live with an extraordinary man who reminds me on a daily basis that I am a strong, persevering person and that I will get through this. Whenever my symptoms overtake me and I feel lost inside a haunted house of a brain, he reminds me that I have a five hundred pound gorilla on my back, and that my struggle doesn’t mean that I am a weak person not capable of mind control. At critical periods when I’m easily crushed by people’s perceptions of me, I must rely on the people in my life that truly get it. I must surround myself with folks who can pump me up and fill me with courage and self-compassion.

Depression support groups — both online and in person — are invaluable in this regard for offering peer support: perspectives from people in the trenches who can offer key insights on how to deal with the invisible beast. I created two online groups, Group Beyond Blue on Facebook and Project Beyond Blue, but there are many forums worth checking out, like the ones at Psych Central. Actual support groups hosted by such organizations as National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), and support offered by a therapist, are also great resources to help give you the coping tools you need to get by in a world that doesn’t get it.

Join Project Hope & Beyond, the new depression community.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/25/when-family-members-and-friends-dont-understand-depression/