True Story: What I Learned When My Father Committed Suicide

What you can learn from the hardest day of your life.

Experiencing the suicide of a parent is one of the most difficult things I have ever endured.There are so many unanswered questions that can haunt you if you let them.

Grief is a process that can take time and is very personal; we all experience it differently.

But as hard as it can be, there are many lessons and blessings that can be learned from a tragedy like this.

Here are 5 positive things that I learned when my dad committed suicide that I hope can help you with your grief and healing process.

1. Acceptance.

It’s basically impossible to not think about the “what if’s” or the “shoulda, coulda’s” when they cross your mind. I’d be lying if I said they didn’t enter my mind from time to time.

However, the only thing they ensure is more pain! If there was something we could have done to prevent my dad from committing suicide, we would have.

Many emotions surface at times like these including anger, grief, envy, and fear. It is important to sit with your emotions and not push them away. It is important to give yourself the chance to fully grieve.

Once you have grieved, you can then learn acceptance. Only then can you have some semblance of peace.

5 Crucial Things A Grieving Partner Needs You To Know

2. There Is Always a Lesson and a Gift Even in the Darkest of Circumstances.

Finding a lesson in something that feels so tragic isn’t easy.

It’s important to experience your feelings if you really want to heal. In our culture, we are told to feel a certain way when something tragic happens. We are taught that guilt and shame are part of who we are. This doesn’t have to be the case.

One way that I have found that makes any problem or tragedy easier to handle is by looking for a lesson or a gift in it.

There may never be a perfect time to start the healing, so choose to do it now.

Here’s an exercise to help:

• Think of a situation that causes you pain. That may have caused you to feel guilt, shame, or to blame others.
• Take a deep breath as you remember the person or people involved and take a step back from the situation; like you are watching a movie.
• What could possibly be learned from this situation?
• How can I live my life differently?
• How can I grow from what happened?
• Write down what you could have learned.
• Can you see how you were able to grow as a person because of this lesson? (Remember, some of the greatest personal growth comes through pain!)

3. Good Luck, Bad Luck…Who Knows?

When something painful happens, people immediately want to put a label on it. Your assumptions or judgments cause you more pain than anything else.

There is a great story about a Chinese farmer that I use with my clients to make this point:

Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.

Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.

The lesson here is acceptance, judgment and allowing divinity to make things right.

When I look back on my dad’s suicide, I know that in addition to the pain, I have received some great gifts and blessings from this tragedy.

4. Valuing Each Day and Each Breath.

I used to take life for granted

I would let myself lose days or even weeks to feeling like a victim, anger, and grief. I learned that there is a place for those things but I do not have to dwell and stay stuck.

If I choose to give my attention to drama, then I am pained. Instead, I choose to practice gratitude in my darkest moments.

9 How-To-Be-Happy Lessons EVERYONE Can Learn From The Dying

5. Finally, Don’t Let It Get Too Dark.

Sometimes it feels like society expects us to be a certain way.

Society wants you to mourn or garner revenge depending on the circumstance.

We need not garner revenge on ourselves. No matter the circumstance we did the best we could at the time with what we had.

The best thing we can do to honor ourselves and the victim is to forgive. We have two choices: we can forgive now or forgive later.

Losing a parent to suicide is tragic and sad.

But you don’t need to get stuck.

There is life on the other side.

You are allowed to experience joy. You can celebrate and talk about your friend or relative.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Things I Learned When My Dad Committed Suicide.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/30/true-story-what-i-learned-when-my-father-committed-suicide/

How to Stop Taking Yourself So Seriously

“The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.” – Samuel Butler

Do you think of yourself as a serious person? Do you find little to laugh about or is it difficult to let yourself go and enjoy what you’re doing, who you’re with, what you must look forward to tomorrow? There’s a difference between being thoughtful and earnest and being serious. I like to think that seriousness must involve an important situation or problem, not a demeanor I want to portray on an everyday basis. Some might say that I’m too easygoing, but that’s not it, either. I simply want to take life as it comes, do the best I can, and be hopeful and positive in the process.

Looking back on my early life, when I was a kid and saw a much older person hobbling along with a mean and grouchy look on his face, I automatically thought, “What a sourpuss!” As children, we’re keenly intuitive to the emotions of others. We can read people well, even when they try to mask their feelings from us.

Yet I also know and remember that children are quick to forgive, easily able to see the joy in life, to laugh and cry and laugh again. I might have noticed the old man’s grumpy nature, but it didn’t stick with me or put a damper on my enthusiasm for life.

Somehow, however, many of us seem to lose some of this natural ability as we mature.

It doesn’t need to be this way. There are ways to turn that steamroller around. Instead of allowing negative emotions to lay waste to your life, make it a point to stop being so serious and find what’s good and true and hopeful. Then, maximize your enjoyment of it.

What about the things in life that are, well, serious? You can’t avoid those, right? While it’s true that you must deal with situations, people and things that may be unpleasant, painful, contradictory, horrendous, exasperating, even evil, there’s always the other side of that experience. You won’t be in it forever, although it may seem like it’s lasting far too long at the time.

Change your outlook first.

Perhaps the most difficult part is trying to change your own outlook from one that’s too focused on how terrible things are or how difficult it is to get through events or times to an attitude that allows for some breathing room, levity, and being able to see opportunities hidden within challenges.

If you’ve lost your job, been dumped by your spouse or partner, got hit by a speeding driver, had your identity stolen or experienced some other nasty or traumatic event, it’s hard enough to pick yourself up and go on, let alone do so without feeling dour, helpless and hopeless.

But you can do it, with the help of your friends and loved ones who support your efforts and will always be by your side no matter what. There’s joy and solace in knowing you have allies. That’s a positive and will help lift you up out of the seriousness of your current situation.

Look for the positive in every situation.

You also need to have the desire and fortitude to insist that you will look for the lighter side of life’s difficulties. It won’t just happen. If you go around with a grim face that mirrors your equally serious thoughts, you’ll keep on having the same outcome. The situations and experiences may change, but your attitude won’t. For that you need to vow to turn that ship around.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is short. My wish for you is what I strive to do each day: Intend to live life to the fullest, taking every opportunity to experience joy and happiness – even amid sadness, trouble and pain.

And, lest you think that I don’t know what I’m talking about, let me assure you that I’ve experienced many tragedies and much misfortune. These included surviving a car-train crash, being broadsided by a speeding tow truck, rescued unconscious from a burning building, getting shot at, robbed at knife point, given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after a near-drowning. I’ve lost both mother and father, stepfather, grandparents, aunts, a brother and several close friends. Cancer, concussions, burns, broken limbs, severe back injury and being diagnosed with atrial fibrillation are also part of my life experience. Then, there’s also the list of fractured relationships, lost loves, broken friendships and so on.

Still, through it all, I remain hopeful, upbeat, confident and joyful. While I may have had more unfortunate experiences than most people, I don’t consider myself unique or special. I also don’t get depressed or anxious or feel that I’m unlucky, star-crossed or cursed by fate.

One thing that has helped me overcome sadness, regain self-confidence, believe in myself and ardently pursue my dreams is counseling. Psychotherapy may not be for everyone, but for those with overwhelming problems and emotional difficulties, it can be a life-saver. Therapy also helps reaffirm what’s good and true and hopeful in life.

Tips to Live By:

Everyone likes lists. They’re quick to digest and easy to remember. At least, the short ones are. Here are some quick tips to live by when you want to stop taking yourself so seriously:

• Have a goal for each day. This gives you something to look forward to.
• Begin each day with gratitude. You have a lot to be thankful for, so express that in a silent prayer as you awake.
• Let go of grudges. They’re counter-productive and lessen your joy.
• Live in the present. Now is the only time you can act, not yesterday or tomorrow. Be conscious of this moment, fully aware and present. This helps maximize your joy of experiences and relationships.
• If you make a mistake, learn from it. You’re only human, after all, and humans make mistakes. By finding the lesson in the mistake, you add to your knowledge and increase your problem-solving ability so that you’re more confident the next time.
• Pursue your interests and dreams. Life is enriched when you go after what you passionately believe in or desire to experience.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/30/how-to-stop-taking-yourself-so-seriously/

Best of Our Blogs: June 30, 2017

I think the reason why many of us don’t take care of ourselves is not because we don’t believe it’s important. We don’t do what we need to do, because it requires us to do the hard stuff.

We’re forced to put up boundaries.

We’re forced to confront issues, people and situations we would rather deny and avoid.

Instead of running or escaping, we’re face to face with the thing, and it can either make us tough, gritty and self-confident or it can bury us deeper in self-denial and resentment.

It’s not easy to do the hard thing. Sometimes we’re just not up for it. Real positive transformation requires us to get courageous, show our true feelings, and feel the fear of being judged and do it anyway.

8 Devious Tactics of Narcissists
(Narcissism Decoded) – You feel defensive, belittled and full of shame. You’ve probably been manipulated by a narcissist.

8 Major Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – Confused about borderline personality disorder? This is what it really looks like.

How is Your Emotional Wellness? Find Out with This Emotional Wellness Quiz!
(Psychoeducation in Psychotherapy) – Think you’re pretty healthy? This may surprise you.

12 Survival Tips for Living with a Narcissist
(The Exhausted Woman) – For now, you’re stuck in a relationship with a narcissist. Here’s what you need to do to protect yourself.

Narcissists Say “Mistakes Must Not Be Made”
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – Are you an over-apologizer? This could explain why.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/30/best-of-our-blogs-june-30-2017/

Psychotherapy "Terminations" and Beyond

Often when I “terminate” with a client (what a horrendous term for the conclusion of a meaningful human encounter) I let them know that I don’t see therapy as some kind of permanent cure to the concerns that brought them in to see me. At best it offers some meaningful relief, and some expanded awareness and resources that they may draw on when they inevitably face future challenges.

I usually tell them I’d be happy to be of help in the future, whether seeing them again, or referring them to a colleague, often adding that I’d be delighted to hear from them with any update on how things are going for them. 95% of the time I never hear back, but of course certain clients run through my mind at various time. I may walk by a building that a client had done the architectural plans for. Or I am riding my bike, and I remember their joy in a bike tour they once took in New Mexico. Or a client springs into my mind for no apparent reason at all, and I wonder whether their marriage—that I had some role shepherding them into—gave them the love and sense of safety they craved.

And then there are those clients that I mark down on my inner scorecard as failures. Yes, I might have given them some support, maybe I helped marginally change the trajectory of their lives, but I felt that somehow I just couldn’t help them break through to achieve the types of changes that they desired—or I desired for them. How were they doing? Were they still as depressed as when we parted ways? Or worse…had they given up entirely? Committed suicide?

I notice that I hesitate before I type the word “suicide” as if somehow that reflects poorly on me that I’d even have this worry. Why the hesitation? Is it that I should be omnipotent, and never have clients, or even former clients that might commit suicide? Or is it that I shouldn’t admit that clients occupy my thoughts even years after I stop seeing them? Has the pernicious concept of therapeutic “neutrality”—one that we thought started and ended with psychoanalysis—become so rooted in our profession that we carry it with us without awareness? As if it’s wrong to care about our clients as actual human beings, as individuals!

There is one specific client that I do worry about from time to time—yes, worry whether he did decide to put an end to his tormented life—but I was somewhat reassured recently when I ran into a colleague at a conference whom I had entirely forgotten was the original referral source. She knew the client personally, and related to me that he was still alive, although still very much struggling day to day, but that she was grateful for the help I provided her friend. Given my feeling of failure with him, I was pleasantly surprised that my efforts were appreciated.

Just a few days ago I got an email out of the blue from a client I’ll call Penelope whom I saw several years ago. She said she just wanted to say hi, thank me for the help I had provided, and let me know that things were going well for her. She was a classical musician who was starting to achieve some success in her highly competitive field, and for the first time in a stable relationship.

I recall that the course of therapy was not an easy one—for the client, as well as for me. We all have our own tricks of the trade, some we like to think of as our own, or at least ones we’ve customized to fit our own personality. I like to work in the “here-and-now” when I can, drawing attention to how the two of us are engaging, with the idea that this will shed light on the client’s interpersonal relationships. Of course this is not a proprietary technique—I learned a great deal about this from my father—but I like to think that I have achieved some mastery in this often challenging technique.

In this case it failed repeatedly: Every time I asked Penelope how she was feeling towards me, she bristled, got angry, and didn’t see how this was relevant to her issues. I recall various responses on my part. One time I made an impassioned plea, relating her difficulty in trusting me to problems she was experiencing with a friend or co-worker. Or I would try to push back, again in the here-and-now, saying something like “I really sense that when I ask you how you feel towards me, it hits some sort of nerve for you. Can you tell me what is triggered?” Again, this got nowhere fast. Finally, I took this prized technique and stuffed it back in my toolbox where it belonged. Was that a failure? Or a brilliant realization that there is no one-size-fits-all in this work?

My memory is a bit hazy, but I recall we worked on and off for a year or so. I don't remember exactly how things ended, but it certainly wasn't one of those Hollywood therapy endings where her neurotic puzzle was solved, and I was left with a warm glow that I had performed my craft with precision. So thank you Penelope for being one of the 5% who let me know what has happened in your life. I go on faith that most of those I work with have some lasting benefits from our work, but it’s sure nice to hear it from you.

* * * * *

That was going to be the end of my musings, so I sent this piece to Penelope to make sure she felt comfortable with me publishing this (even though identifying details are changed). She wrote the following:

“I think that even though it made me pretty mad when you asked me how I was feeling towards you, I realize now that I was mad because that’s what I needed to work on. It took me a few more years to not get mad when people asked me stuff like that, but once I got more comfortable having conversations like that it was a lot easier for me to have close relationships.”

Wow! If I had known at the time that my apparent misfires would ultimately yield results, it would certainly have reduced my anxiety during the therapy. Would that have made me a better therapist? Perhaps not. Uncertainty is inherent to the process, and something we need to learn to live with. But how heartwarming it is to know now that my efforts with Penelope planted some seeds that are now blooming.

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/psychotherapy-terminations-and-beyond

Introspection for Blamers and Shamers

Some people in this world are expert blamers and shamers. Perhaps you know one. It begins with the need to blame: You did something bad. How could you have done this? Then it easily slides into the need to shame: You are something bad. What is the matter with you?

When something goes wrong, it can never be an accident, a random act of nature, a simple mistake, a lack of judgment, or a moment of inattentiveness. It cannot even be a misdemeanor. No, no, no, no, no! It’s got to be a felony.

Accidents are not allowed to happen. You heard me. No accidents. Somebody has to be blamed. And, amazingly enough, the finger is always pointed outwards.

• In a traffic jam? – “This wouldn’t have happened if you were ready on time”.
• A noisy appliance? – “If you used it right, it wouldn’t be making that noise.”
• A relationship problem? – “Just get to the point and fix it instead of talking so much!”

It’s no secret that Hal is a blame-based person. A “type A” personality and perfectionist, he’s one tough guy to deal with when something goes wrong. You can count on being the target of his anger if you’re within striking distance or have anything to do with his frustration.

Hal is not the kind of guy whose anger might suggest the need for an order of protection. Indeed, he has contempt for anyone who would hit a woman or wreck a house. He is a responsible guy. Others just need to be as responsible as he is.

For him, everything is judgment. Good or bad. Right or wrong. He’s got zero tolerance for carelessness, lateness or irresponsibility. Do what you’re supposed to do, the way it should be done and on time! No excuses!

Can someone like Hal loosen up? Not right away. Yet, what may start the change process is an unpleasant encounter in which he begins to think that maybe he’s done something harsh or hurtful.

For Hal, it began when he drove Jason, his 8-year-old son, to the softball game. When they arrived, Hal saw that the game had already begun. Of course, he blamed Jason for “making him” misread the schedule, because of his fooling around. Jason rushed from the car, tears in his eyes. When his coach asked him why he was late, he shrugged, “I don’t know. I never do anything right.”

At that moment, something clicked. Hal recognized how damaging his blaming was to Jason’s self-esteem. Yes, he wanted him to be more responsible. Yes, he wanted him to be more attentive. But, he didn’t want to make his son miserable. Indeed, he wanted to build up his pride and ego.

But, a blame-based person does not easily change his ways. Seeking someone to blame was in Hal’s blood. It was his way of trying to keep the control, trying to make things right.

Over time, however, Hal learned to appreciate that when things go wrong, it’s not always necessary to blame someone. Sometimes the problem is just situational (more traffic than expected),  organizational (the mailing was late), technological (the website was down), or human nature (people make mistakes).

Still, it took Hal a while before he was willing to examine the roots of his need to blame. To reflect on why control was so important to him. To remember how he felt as a kid when he was on the receiving end of the blame.

Hal never did become an introspective person who loved to delve deep into his psyche. Indeed, that would have required a personality transplant. But there definitely was a mellowing process. A chilling out. A lighter, less blaming and shaming way of looking at life and all its myriad problems.

The result: A less intense Hal, a happier son, a more relaxed wife. Not too shabby, I would say.

©2017

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/29/introspection-for-blamers-and-shamers/

Aging Wisely

We all have something in common. We’re getting older. While this fact might delight children who can’t wait to be “grown-ups,” it is often a source of angst for those of us who have already “grown up.” There are approximately 76 million baby boomers in the United States, and their ages range from early fifties to early seventies. It’s not surprising that this demographic is often bombarded by the media with anti-aging everything: skin creams for every part of our bodies, miracle “cures” for our wrinkles, youthful colors for our hair. They all promise to make us look younger — to fix us. Botox and facelifts have become the norm for many people (men and women), and again, there is cosmetic surgery available for almost every part of our bodies.

Well what’s wrong with that, you might ask? What’s wrong with wanting to look better (though “better” is subjective)? I get that and I know that looking good can translate into feeling good. To be perfectly honest, as someone who is well into the baby-boomer age range, I dye my hair. I’ve easily resisted all the other anti-aging remedies, but can’t seem to come to grips with having gray hair. I would look so old.

And that’s the big issue here, I believe. We as a society are resisting aging instead of embracing it. Instead of reveling in our gray hair or well-earned wrinkles, we despise them. Instead of marveling at our aging bodies and how they have stood the test of time, we are repulsed by them. Instead of recognizing and valuing the wisdom and compassion that come from age and our life experiences, we fixate on our failing memories and decreased stamina.

We focus on what we have lost, not what we have gained. And this attitude hurts us.

This study, published in 2012 in The Journal of the American Medical Association, examined the relationship between attitudes about aging and recovery from disabilities. Researchers found that seniors who have positive outlooks on aging are forty percent more likely to recover from a disability than those with negative attitudes.

So how can we feel better about aging? Is it as simple as ignoring the anti-aging ads on television? Maybe not, but it’s a start. Like so many things, it’s all about how we look at it — how we choose to view ourselves and those around us.

Surely feeling well can help us look at aging in a more positive light. Living a healthy lifestyle as we age not only benefits our bodies, but also our minds. For example, eating a healthy diet can stave off illnesses such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and possibly dementia. Getting enough sleep might also reduce our risk for these diseases. Exercising not only keeps us limber, but also releases those all-important endorphins which trigger positive feelings. Socializing and continuing to explore our passions are important as we age and studies have shown that those with a vibrant social circle live longer than those with few social ties.

The bottom line is we cannot change the fact that we are aging, but we can change how we view the process. When we talk with children who can’t wait to grow up, we often say, “What’s the rush? Enjoy being young. Enjoy NOW.” Well, the same outlook should apply to all of us. We can’t turn back time any more than we can fast forward it, but we can be mindful and embrace this moment we are in right now. Let’s age wisely by not trying to hold on to the past, or by dwelling on the future. Let’s live our lives in the best possible way — today.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/29/aging-wisely/

Podcast: What Can We Learn from the Michelle Carter Texting Suicide Case?

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe Howard and Vincent M. Wales examine the recent case of Michelle Carter, a young woman in Massachusetts who was tried for involuntary manslaughter in the suicide of her eighteen-year old friend, Conrad Roy, based primarily on a series of text messages and phone calls. In what came as a shock to many, Carter was found guilty. The trial focused on extensive messages between the two, especially in the month leading up to Roy’s death, in which it is shown that the then seventeen-year old Carter went from urging Roy to seek help to actively helping him plan for his own death and, finally, to blatantly urging him to take his own life.

Show Highlights:

 
[0:34]         The background of the Michelle Carter case.

[2:35]         We live in a country that doesn’t take suicide seriously.

[3:36]         How culpable should a teenager be when it comes to another’s suicide?

[5:51]         Examining some of the text messages leading to Roy’s suicide.

[8:54]         Carter goes from wanting Roy to get help to actively helping plan his death.

[11:58]       What about Carter’s own state of mind?

[14:46]       The turning point – why she was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter.

[17:26]       How Carter could have handled the situation better.

 

Listen as Our Guest Discuss the Michelle Carter Case

“This is a tragic case involving young people and, hopefully, the country learns something from this. That’s really the best, as an advocate, that I can hope for” ~ Gabe Howard

Proud Sponsor of The Psych Central Show

 

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

 

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/29/podcast-what-can-we-learn-from-the-michelle-carter-texting-suicide-case/

A Successful Relationship Requires Complete Authenticity

It’s time to get real.

Recently I was at Sex Geek Conservatory with Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex and Cathy Vartuli of The Intimacy Dojo. They had us do an exercise in which we took two minutes each to teach one simple concept.

As I thought about the concept I would teach, I realized that the most important piece of relationship advice I could give to someone who wants to be happy would be the advice to always be yourself and to always be authentic in all aspects of your life, and especially in your romantic relationships.

6 Things to Avoid for a Happy and Healthy Relationship

I learned this lesson for myself the hard way.

I was in a relationship for four years that was great on paper. By being in that particular relationship, I was doing exactly what everyone told me I should be doing. I got married. I did the monogamy thing.

It was what everyone else I knew thought that I should do, but what I was really doing was making myself miserable.

I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t feel healthy. That kind of relationship didn’t work for me and that wasn’t because there was anything necessarily wrong with my partner — or because there’s anything necessarily wrong with being monogamous or being in a traditional marriage.

The relationship was wrong for me because that particular kind of relationship doesn’t fit authentically with who I am.

I was trying to be someone else in order to make other people happy and I learned that you can’t do that. You can’t be anyone but who you are. You have to be yourself. That is the only way that you can truly be happy.

I thought I was willing to accept a life of misery because it was what other people wanted me to have.

How to Save an Affection-Starved Marriage (and Have a Happy Relationship)

But now that I live this life — now that I’m being authentic and happy and joyful — yeah, there are some people who don’t like me as much. I don’t necessarily fit in with them the same way I used to. But at least I’m being true to myself. I’m doing what I know I need to do for me.

That’s the one piece of relationship advice I would give anyone who wants to know how to be happy: You have to do right by yourself.

You are the only person you have at the end of the day and if you’re trying to do something because it’s what makes other people happy rather than it’s because what feels authentic for you, you’re never going to be as happy as you could be.

So be authentic. Be you. Be real.

Do what it is that you want to do. Find that space to be fearlessly yourself and live from there.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: You’ll Never Be Truly Happy In A Relationship If You’re Not 100% Authentic.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/28/a-successful-relationship-requires-complete-authenticity/

9 Warning Signs of Exercise Addiction

Have you ever heard the saying, “Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing?”

When used moderately to maintain physical and mental health, or when used in conjunction with an appropriate amount of nourishment, exercise has a whole host of incredible benefits.

But, in the case of exercise, too much of a good thing can yield negative consequences.

Exercise addiction is something that impacts thousands of people and can be conceptualized like other process and substance addictions. It’s not a formal clinical diagnosis, but rather a behavioral condition often rooted within other issues — such as distorted body image or eating disorders.

So how much exercise is too much exercise? That can be difficult to answer without knowing the unique circumstances surrounding each individual, but here are some universal signs to look out for:

1. Missing a workout makes you irritable, anxious or depressed. For instance, if you notice yourself or someone you know becoming clearly agitated or uncomfortable after missing a workout, even after a long string of consecutive days of exercising, it could be a warning sign.
2. You work out when sick, injured or exhausted. It is important to listen to your body’s cues. Those who have an addiction to exercise push themselves through a pulled muscle, the flu or even a stress fracture, failing to rest even when rest is clearly needed.
3. Exercise becomes a way to escape. The primary goal is no longer balancing the mind or reducing stress. Exercise becomes a way to withdraw from certain life situations and the emotions that are brought up because of them. Clinical interventions, such as talk therapy and expressive therapy, are safe and adaptive ways to address uncomfortable emotions, and should be used when needed.
4. Workouts start to impact relationships. When you notice that you are spending more time training than you spend with a spouse, or opt to stay at the gym instead of attending get-togethers with friends, it could be indicative of an unhealthy relationship with exercise. As with any eating disorder, exercise addicts tend to withdraw and isolate themselves from their friends and family in order to continue unhealthy behaviors.
5. Other priorities suffer. In a similar vein, someone who frequently misses work deadlines or a child’s soccer games because exercise is viewed as more significant in the grand scheme of things is showing a sign of exercise addiction.
6. Happiness is re-defined. For those who are exercise addicts, mood or happiness may be dictated solely by the outcome of the latest workout, how their body looks on that given day or how fit they currently perceive themselves to be.
7. You continually extend workouts. It is quite common for someone struggling with an exercise addiction to add on workouts wherever they can, whether it’s extra reps on the bench press or running home after a hard soccer practice.
8. You work out excessively. Some marathon training programs call for “two-a-days” to build mileage, but consistently doing this — without any specific training goal and without being monitored by a medical professional — could result in negative mental and physical ramifications.
9. Exercise loses the element of play and fun. Dr. George Sheehan, author of Running & Being, says it perfectly, “The things we do with our bodies should be done merely because they are fun – not because they serve some serious purpose. If we are not doing something that is enjoyable on its own account we should look for something that is.” Exercise needs to be fun, not viewed as a chore or “must-do” when you simply don’t feel up to it.

It’s important to note these red flags don’t necessarily mean someone is addicted to exercise; rather, they provide an outline of universal symptoms that CAN be indicators that a greater problem exists. If the above statements describe your experience, please consider discussing your concern with a professional.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/28/9-warning-signs-of-exercise-addiction/

10 Summer Depression Busters

Although my mood seems to be better with more sun, I understand why a substantial number of folks get more depressed in the summer. Extreme heat is hard to tolerate. In fact, in a study published in Science in 2013, researchers reported that as temperatures rose, the frequency of interpersonal violence increased by 4 percent, and intergroup conflicts by 14 percent.

There are four distinct types of people when it comes to weather and mood, according to a study published in Emotion in 2011.

• Summer Lovers (better mood with warmer and sunnier weather)
• Unaffected (weak associations between weather and mood)
• Summer Haters (worse mood with warmer and sunnier weather)
• Rain Haters (particularly bad mood on rainy days)

Ten percent of those diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder suffer symptoms at the brightest time of the year. The summer’s brutal heat, bright light, and long days can affect a person’s circadian rhythm and contribute to depression for the opposite reasons that winter conditions do.

If you’re a Summer Hater, or just notice that your mood is affected negatively by the heat, here are some summer depression busters that may help you better tolerate these months — maybe even enjoy them.

1. Plan Something Fun

You don’t need to plan some elaborate cross-country trip that’s going to deplete your savings. Just taking off an afternoon to have lunch with a friend or go kayaking by yourself can be a pleasant break and something to look forward to. When I was working through a severe depression, someone told me to plan something enjoyable every few weeks to keep me motivated to keep going. Scheduling fun activities sporadically throughout the summer might help carry you through some hot afternoons.

2. Be Around People

It can be as tempting to isolate yourself during the summer months as during the winter months, especially if you have body image issues and don’t like showing your legs and arms. But isolation breeds depression, especially if you’re a ruminator like I am. You don’t need to hang out poolside with a crowd of people in order to connect with friends. Sometimes just picking up the phone is enough to fend off depression and anxiety.

3. Add Some Structure

Summer is typically more relaxed, which is why some people look forward to the season all year. It’s nice not having to get the kids out of the door at 7:30 a.m., lunches packed. But those of us who are prone to depression do better when we have some structure to our day. If you don’t work outside the house, you may have to design this structure during the summer months and dig deep for the discipline to stick with it.

4. Stay on Your Sleep Schedule

Related to the last point, it’s easy to get off a regular sleep schedule in the summer if you don’t have anywhere you have to be at 7:30 in the morning. A few days of sleeping in feel great, but an aberrant sleep schedule is a slippery slope to depression for many of us. Even if the day’s events are changing from week to week, make sure to keep your sleep schedule the same: Go to bed at the same time every night, wake up at the same time every morning. Try not to sleep much less than seven hours and no more than nine hours a night.

5. Hydrate

Dehydration is one of the conditions I mentioned in my post 6 Conditions That Feel Like Clinical Depression But Aren’t. It sneaks up on you, because by the time you feel thirsty, you’re already dehydrated. According to two studies conducted at the University of Connecticut’s Human Performance Laboratory, even mild dehydration can alter a person’s mood.

Dehydration causes a shortage of tryptophan, an important amino acid that is converted to serotonin in the brain. Our bodies can’t detoxify when there is a shortage of water, so tryptophan isn’t distributed to the necessary parts of the brain. Low levels of amino acids in the body can contribute to depression, anxiety, and irritability. A good way to make sure you’re drinking enough is to calculate how much water you should be drinking based on your weight, height, and age, and then fill up two or three containers equaling that amount of water and stick it in the fridge each night before you go to bed. Each day, try to drink enough to empty the containers.

6. Eat Mood-Boosting Foods

It’s not uncommon to eat more sweets and drink fancy, fruity drinks during the summer. But sugar is poison to depression. For one, it causes spikes and drops in glucose, and your brain does much better when it has an even supply of blood sugar. Processed foods — those that come in pretty packages listing a bunch of ingredients you can’t pronounce — aren’t going to help your depression either. During these hot months, stick with foods that can boost your mood, like turkey, pumpkin seeds, fatty fish, walnuts, turmeric, dark leafy greens, avocados, berries, and dark chocolate. I try my best to be sure and pack some nuts and seeds if I’m going to a picnic because the average American picnic is not supplied with brain food. And even one day of eating processed junk, and especially sugar, will do a number on my mood.

7. Get to the Water

Hanging out near water is one strategy for calming down your nervous system that Elaine Aron offers in her book The Highly Sensitive Person. She writes, “Water helps in many ways … Walk beside some water, look at it, listen to it. Get into some if you can, for a bath or swim.”

I find this to be especially true during the summer. I love to run by the Severn River, or walk to Back Creek at the end of my street, or have my lunch on the dock by Spa Creek. I find that being close to the water does calm me down and reminds me what I like most about summer.

8. Avoid Diet Soda

It’s easy to grab a Diet Coke when you feel hot and thirsty, but a study by the National Institutes of Health (presented at the 2013 American Academy of Neurology meeting) showed that people who drink four or more cans of diet soda daily are about 30 percent more likely to be diagnosed with depression than people who don’t drink soda.

People with mood disorders are especially sensitive to the superficial sweeter aspartame in most diet sodas. In fact, a 1993 study conducted by Ralph Walton, MD, of Northeastern Ohio Universities College of Medicine found that there was a significant difference between aspartame and placebo in both number and severity of symptoms for people with a history of depression, but not so for persons with no history of a mood disorder.

9. Replace Your Depression Triggers

In their book Extinguishing Anxiety, authors Catherine Pittman and Elizabeth Karle explain that in order to retrain the brain from associating a negative event to a trigger that creates anxiety, we must generate new connections by exposure.

So, for me, I need to replace memories of depression relapses in the summer (which trigger anxiety for me during the summer) with positive summer events. One way I’m doing this is by getting involved in the kids’ golfing events. It gives me joy to see them learn a new activity and it generates happy memories of my dad taking my three sisters and me for a ride on the golf cart when we were young.

10. Try Something New

Summer is a great time to try a new activity. Ten years ago, when I was emerging from a severe depressive episode, I took a tennis class with about 20 other women. It was one of the best things I ever did to move past the depression. I still remember the evening that I thought to myself, in the midst of executing a volley, “I am going to beat this thing” (the depression, not the ball).

For the last few summers, I’ve tried new things: kayaking, paddle boarding, and open-water swimming. Each activity has helped my mood because it not only distracts me from ruminations, but the process of learning a sport gives me confidence. Neurologists have found that trying something new essentially rewires our brain. In the process of learning, our neurons become wired together.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/28/10-summer-depression-busters/

When Being a Pessimist Can Be a Good Thing

A positive attitude is often touted as a secret ingredient to entrepreneurial success. And it’s true: your outlook can impact everything from your sales numbers to your mental health.

But blind optimism can leave you ill-prepared for stressful situations. And as every entrepreneur knows, pressure is par for the course when running a business.

A new theory posits that a certain type of negative thinking can actually be beneficial for anticipating challenges. This strategy, known as defensive pessimism, suggests planning for worst-case scenarios can be more effective than trying to think positively all the time.

Defensive pessimism involves vividly imaging challenges that may arise, then envisioning steps to conquer problems. This practice helps re-direct anxiety toward productive activity.

Leveraging the power of defensive pessimism can prepare you for uncertainty, which is an indispensable skill every entrepreneur needs.

Here’s how defensive pessimism can have positive impact:

You’ll be more productive

Blind optimists who rationalize that “everything will be fine” may avoid red flags signaling a bad decision or fall victim to procrastination, failing to take necessary precautions.

Defensive pessimists, on the other hand, use mental rehearsal to come up with plans for handling problems. When faced with a challenge, they spring into action by reaching out to others rather than retreating. They open themselves up to new information and options instead of remaining in their own echo chamber.

You’ll always be prepared

Many entrepreneurs can relate to feeling certain a pitch will land­, only to panic when a meeting unexpectedly goes south. Defensive pessimists are at an advantage at times like these.

Before ever entering a high-stakes scenario, they prepare thoroughly by anticipating tough questions and possible objections, for example. This foresight helps defensive pessimists stay flexible (and not freak out) when the pressure is on.

You’ll be more confident

Positivity often backfires in stressful situations like negotiations or public speaking. Telling yourself to “cheer up and look on the bright side” when your business is on the line dismisses your true feelings, which only amplifies worries. You may beat yourself for being incapable or otherwise unqualified. And when distorted thinking takes over, you can’t perform at your best.

Defensive pessimists use constructive self-talk to motivate themselves. They realize that professional and personal growth entails discomfort, which is reflected in their mindset. They don’t internalize setbacks or see obstacles as personal failings. Instead, their internal dialogue focuses on asking themselves what they can learn or how they can do better next time.

You’ll learn to take calculated risks

Research shows that when CEOs are overly optimistic, they take on more debt — potentially placing their companies in jeopardy. Defensive pessimism safeguards against unhealthy risk by channeling realistic thinking.

For example, faced with a choice whether to open another storefront, a defensive pessimist would analyze possible negative outcome before deciding, whereas a pure optimist might decide to bet their life savings on the venture with no back-up plan.

Of course, this approach differs from dispositional pessimism­, which is characterized by pervasive fatalistic thinking that’s unhealthy. The idea behind defensive pessimism is to put negative thinking in check before it spirals out of control. You use realistic imagining of unfavorable outcomes to motivate and prepare yourself to rise to the challenge, instead of ruminating.

Curious if you’re a defensive pessimist? You can take a test from the experts to find out.

Even if you’re generally more of an optimist, it’s worth giving defensive pessimism a try. You never know what you might learn from looking at things from another angle.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/27/when-being-a-pessimist-can-be-a-good-thing/

How to Kick Your Divorce Resentment to the Curb

Getting your life back after divorce can be hard. There are financial issues, co-parenting, and emotional roller-coasters to ride that can leave us feeling exhausted, wondering if we’ll ever move on and feel happy. Among these stressors, one of the most challenging obstacles to overcome when recovering from divorce is one that can grab hold of even the most patient of people.

Resentment and bitterness.

Resentment is nasty. What makes it so ugly is that it has a tendency to turn you, an otherwise kind and reasonable person, into someone who is so angry at their own life situation that it is impossible to recover.

Bitterness and resentment make it hard even for the people who love you to be around you. Resentment makes it hard for you to focus on all the good stuff you have going on in your life. And bitterness keeps you from moving on. Definitely not what you want or deserve.

Remaining resentful means that you are a prisoner to your past, when you should be focusing on your future instead.

This feeling is a combination of anger, disappointment, and resentment at being treated unfairly. Did you notice that? The verb treated is in the past tense, and it deals with things that happened that you cannot change and cannot control.

The more you continue to look in the past, the harder and harder it becomes to plan for the things you can control. Such as your future. And your happiness. And the rest of your life, which I’m pretty sure you don’t want to live with the weight of feeling screwed over still resting on your shoulders.

So, knock it off.  You need to spend that emotional energy on planning your future. Every time you feel yourself getting resentful for something that happened in your marriage, nip that thought in the bud. And instead start channeling those feelings and that energy into planning your future and your new life.

Being bitter means that you are letting your ex continue to hurt you, and you deserve better than that craziness.

Feeling resentful because of being treated unfairly during your marriage sucks. It’s completely not fair and not right that your ex did not treat you with the love and respect that you deserved.

But remember, that the longer you allow yourself to feel angry because of the harm this person did to you during your marriage, the longer and easier it is for them to have control over you.

Keep in mind that your marriage with this person has ended, and you do not owe them ANY of your emotional energy.

There is most likely a reason that you are no longer with that person, and being divorced has given you the chance to start over and do things on your own terms. So why let your ex have any more control over you? This is your chance to define who you are, what it is that you want, and where it is that you want to be. And that sure has nothing to do with your ex being able to dictate how you feel, which is exactly what happens when you’re resentful.

You can let it go. You deserve to let it go.

Exercise: How to let the resentment go.

1. Write down — and be specific — about the things that are exactly making you bitter. But don’t spend much time reflecting on that type of stuff for a number of reasons. One, because the factors leading up to you feeling that way are in your past, which you can’t change. Two, because the only way you can overcome those feeling is to reframe how you think of it and focus on the future instead. Need some examples? Take a look below!

I feel bitter because I got screwed over with money in the settlement.

I feel bitter because I see my ex moved on with their new relationship and I’m still here with nothing.

2. Reframe it. The problem with resentment is that it forces us to look at something in the negative light, when it is a blessing in disguise.

I’m bitter because my ex has moved on and I’m still here. Okay, so I’m not with my ex anymore, but that means that I don’t have to put up with all their craziness. Oh, so he/she has a new partner? Well, let them deal with my ex — I am better off without them and now I am free and my life is now my own. They actually did me a favor. I am better off without my partner, and if anything, I can actually feel happy and relieved that such toxicity is no longer in my life, dragging me down.

You do not have to fight the battle alone.

It’s normal to have some residual hard feelings after a split. However, if you find yourself not being able to shake it, remember that you have options for reaching out for a little assistance. Depending on your needs, you may find that working with a divorce coach or a therapist can help you pinpoint what is holding you back and can help you move on.

You should not have to be a prisoner to feeling bitter, and there is no reason that it needs to control your life. The amazing future that comes  after letting go is waiting for you.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/27/how-to-kick-your-divorce-resentment-to-the-curb/

Best of Our Blogs: June 27, 2017

Having trouble getting along with someone? If your relative dug in deep with an insensitive remark or a co-worker is getting on your nerves, there’s a quick life hack you can do to ease your emotional discomfort.

Empathy.

It’s a surprisingly quick and easy way to momentarily cool off and prevent further discord. That’s because it depersonalizes the situation.

It’s easy to get sucked into who is right and wrong, and wondering how could he or she say this to me. But putting yourself in someone else’s shoes pulls us back. Maybe he’s having a hard day. Maybe this is a trigger for him.

It doesn’t let others off the hook. It stops you from losing your focus and getting distracted. It prevents you from going on the defensive.

This week, you’ll have a chance to practice empathy for narcissists, the silent generation, and adoptees (especially if that includes you).

Portraits of Five Narcissists
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – It’s one of the easiest way to spot a narcissist. Keep reading through these five personalities and you’ll discover a simple way to remember what to look for from now on.

5 Things Gen X and Millennials Should Know About Their Boomer Parents
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – It’s the generation we stay “silent” about. Find out why the silent generation is having an impact on you and your children.

How a Narcissist Gets Ahead at Work
(The Exhausted Woman) – If you’ve ever wondered how your narcissistic co-worker has succeeded professionally despite his or her toxic ways, you’ll want to read this.

11 Ways to Set Boundaries with Narcissists
(Narcissism Decoded) – To stay centered in the presence of a narcissistic person, it’s imperative to set healthy boundaries. And to do so, you need to read this.

Loss And Adoption.
(Adoption: Rewriting Our Narratives) – If you were adopted, this is the post you’ve been waiting for.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/27/best-of-our-blogs-june-27-2017/

Keep Shame and Control from Ruining Your Relationships

Moving from shame and heartache to feelings of joy and love is something we all can do.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been there. Full of shame and doing everything in my power to control myself, my situation, and everyone else around me, slowly destroying every relationship I ever had.

Warning Signs Your Partner Is Trying to Control You

When you hear the words, “I don’t love you” from your mother’s lips, the pain and hurt are excruciating but more than that, is the shame that surrounds it all, making it totally unbearable.

Many women today, like me hide this “secret”. The fact that they don’t have a relationship with their mother they so desire, they don’t admit this in public because of the shame that surrounds this “taboo” subject. If your own mother doesn’t love you, you must be unlovable.

So we keep the secret to ourselves, pretending it’s not real, surrounding the whole thing in shame. Until we see the effects on our marriages, our children, and our friends, the mother-daughter relationship molds everything. Do not underestimate the power and intensity of this relationship.

So why did I feel such shame that drove me to control everything?

Simply because it made me feel that there was something wrong with me — I really believed I was totally worthless.

I believed there had to be something very wrong with me if my own mother didn’t love me and I became addicted to this feeling of shame. It allowed me to feel in control of other people’s feelings — that somehow, if it was my fault, then I could change it. If I let them have their power, it left me feeling helpless over their behavior.

This continued throughout my childhood unknowingly. I learned how to blame everyone and everything else, never accepting any responsibility. It was always their fault — I controlled how they felt.

As a little girl, I developed feelings of low self-worth which continued to grow through my adult life. I had so many feelings that I hid from others and denied to myself, shrouding myself in guilt and shame.

As long as I kept the feelings of shame, I masked other feelings of loneliness, fear, resentment, and sadness, which I couldn’t bear to feel. I would rather feel this pain I was causing myself than the feelings of what was happening in my life. In this way, I felt in control.

As long as I had the control, I would not let go of my belief of total worthlessness.

I would love to share with you some tips on how I healed my shame so you don’t spend your life like I did fighting an internal battle with yourself:

1. Start Nurturing and Putting Yourself First.

Acknowledge your feelings, learn to feel, and be aware of what is happening to you right now so you don’t cover them up with shame and anger.

Start being compassionate towards yourself and you will notice the feelings of control fade, as you no longer need to protect yourself. You are being authentic at last.

2. Let Go of Controlling Others.

Accept that other people’s feelings, thoughts, and words have nothing to do with you. You have no control over whether they are happy or sad, that is only in their control.

This feels immensely freeing and takes a great burden off your shoulders. In this way, you will let go of the false beliefs you hold about yourself — that total worthlessness.

5 Ways to Get Your Power Back and End Emotional Abuse

3. Be Honest.

Write all of your feelings down and face them, write down what you are scared of, what you’ve been deceiving yourself with — everything.

Don’t stop writing until every emotion is on paper, then take the papers and burn them. Watch the ashes go up in the sky. You will release yourself of these feelings.

4. Find the Positive.

There is always another way of seeing something. I managed to turn the entire relationship around with my mother to a loving supportive one and I began to see the strength and courage from my situation.

I saw my entire life through “new glasses” once I decided I would look at it in a different way. I felt no shame or regret because these experiences have made me who I am today — and I am proud to be me.

If you’re at this place right now, a place where you know that there’s something better for you, that you’re not living the life you want to live, think about getting some support through this. It’s a sign of courage to reach out and ask for help. Why? Because it’s not easy. It will be a step in life you’ll never regret.

I wish you all of the very best. Moving from shame and heartache to joy and love is the most incredulous experience and no one should have to do this alone.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How Shame And Control Unknowingly DESTROY Your Relationship (And How To Fix It).

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/26/keep-shame-and-control-from-ruining-your-relationships/

Are You Fueling Your OCD?

Imagine that you and your friends go to a park to enjoy a summer evening with a campfire. As you and your friends begin to enjoy the nice bonfire, the park ranger shows up and tells you that all fires need to be put out right away. You and your friends are disappointed. How would you put the fire out?

As you think about this, your mind could surely come up with countless options. However, let’s pretend that whatever resources you want to use are not available for one reason or another. The only potential medium is a pile of wood logs nearby. Would you use lumber to put the fire out? Of course not, that would be silly since we all know wood is inflammable. This would only ignite the bonfire. What could you do instead?

Maybe, the best decision would be to get back to visiting with friends while the fire slowly burns out on its own. Once in a while, you may take a look at the fire, and then get back to having a good time.

When individuals struggle with OCD, their intrusive thoughts torment them endlessly. We could say that OCD is the bonfire, and the natural instinct is to try to “put the OCD bonfire” out with more “wood” or thoughts.

The human mind is very resourceful and it can come up with a myriad of alternatives to extinguish that OCD fire! Suppressing, ignoring, reasoning and rationalizing one’s thoughts may seem like practical ideas. On the surface, this makes sense, but will they provide long lasting results?

Those strategies require additional thoughts. In this context, ‘thoughts’ are actually the wood logs you would never use to quench a fire. Yet, it’s too easy to use more thoughts to mitigate the anguish you feel at times. Unfortunately, they only kindle the OCD fire.

If you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you may have tried everything feasible to smother it. You may think that will work for you. Otherwise you wouldn’t keep doing it. The internal and/or external rituals relieve stress, discomfort, uncertainty, and anxiety temporarily. In turn, the amazing mind makes you believe that some day the result will be permanent.

The fact is that the internal or external rituals you keep doing are strengthening your OCD. The obsessions and compulsions appear helpful, but they may be getting in the way of living your life to the fullest.

What can you do instead of fueling the OCD fire?

Just like you can let the fire subside by itself, you can let the thoughts wane without intervening.

To do so, consider these points:

1. Remember the goal is to observe instead of refuel.
2. Thoughts are thoughts — not facts. However, when you fuse with them you start believing them. As you believe them, your feelings and sensations arise and yes, those are real experiences in your body. However, you end up using them as evidence that your thoughts are also facts. They are not, but this is what leads you to want to eliminate them, which in turn keeps your OCD fire blazing.
3. One way to start changing the fusion between you and your internal experiences is by learning to observe what is happening instead of trying to fix things with strategies that exacerbate the situation.
4. Use Mindful Breathing. As you breathe in and out, stay focused on your breathing. Your attention may still go back to the intrusive thoughts or something else. Become attentive to when this happens, and then gently bring your attention back to your breathing. Practice this exercise consistently every day for a few minutes at a time.
5. If the unpleasant internal experiences were to diminish or disappear, don’t be surprised when they resurface. They always do because that is what happens naturally in the mind.

You have an amazing mind. Therefore, you can learn to become flexible with your thinking. As you practice observing your thoughts, you will start changing the habit of wanting to abate the OCD fire. Do not give up because there is always hope and you have a meaningful life to live!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/26/are-you-fueling-your-ocd/

Bearing Responsibilities in a Hedonistic Age

Sometimes, being a responsible human being is largely a matter of accepting the relatively mundane, boring, or just plain unpleasant.

Tags: character disturbance, relationships, responsibility

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life http://counsellingresource.com/features/2017/06/26/responsibility-hedonism/

Are Middle Age Moments Inevitable?

These words are being typed in the waiting room of my local Meineke while I am waiting for necessary repairs on my 9-year-old Jeep Patriot. Purchased for cash back in 2011, after my mother left me an inheritance, I have taken good care of my vehicle which has taken me to Canada twice, to local destinations, to my various offices where I have seen clients, and on recreational journeys. My son keeps asking me why I don’t trade it in for an environmentally friendlier hybrid or electric car. He knows what a tree hugger his mother is and I tell him that I like not having a car payment and I want to maintain and sustain this one for as long as possible.

I see that as an analogy for my mind. I have had it a lot longer than nine years; 58 of them, in fact. There are times when it requires attention and maintenance as well. These days, I don’t wait until my mental “check engine light” comes on to take note to the messages it might be sending me.

When I was growing up, my mother used to say, as she aged, that her mind was like a sieve. I envisioned our blue and white colander through which she strained pasta or rinsed lettuce taking up space in her cranium as the thoughts leaked through the holes. I smile as I recall those conversations that would occur when she would forget something seemingly simple. I swore it would never happen to me, since I believed that we are as only old as we feel.

The question that I am faced with: what is the truth vs. myth about age related memory blips? According to an article presented by Johns Hopkins Medicine, there are good reasons to believe that there are actions and interventions we can take to preserve the mental reserves. Depression, excessive alcohol consumption, having too much to do and insufficient time to complete tasks, as well as stress are contributing factors.

In the case of this multi-tasking “professional hyphenate” (social worker-journalist-minister-editor-speaker), I notice lower acuity when I am attempting to keep too many plates spinning simultaneously. On any given day, it might look like appointments with clients, being interviewed on a podcast, writing an article, editing a book, going to the gym and waiting for my car to be made road worthy. To successfully execute each of these tasks, I first need to write them in my appointment book and then check them off once they have been completed.

Other areas that call for mindfulness include destinations. Recently, I was driving to one of the offices where I see clients and found myself (or lost myself) in a momentary state of distraction. I missed a turn and for more than an alarming split second, I had no clue where I was. Taking a deep breath and with an eye on the clock, I called my office to let the receptionist know that I was running late and wanted to have him let my first-time client who was coming for an intake, know as well. Of course, when he answered the phone, he put me on hold since he was on another call. Taking a deep breath, I pulled out my GPS and plugged in the address. Its brain was higher functioning than mine at that moment, so it knew exactly where I needed to go. I hung up and called a second time…put on hold again. The clock was ticking and I could feel my heart racing and adrenalin pumping, which was not the state I wanted to be in to greet a new client who was likely expecting someone far calmer than I was feeling in the moment. Third time was the charm, as I reached the receptionist who informed me that my client had rescheduled since SHE was lost and running late. Fortunately, my cortisol levels eased up, as did my heart rate and blood pressure.

This was not the first time, I experienced brain fog or displacement of my sense of direction. I joke about it and say that I attribute it to my middle age moments; or wise woman moments, since allegedly, the older we get, the wiser we get. I add that the hard drive gets full and the problem isn’t storage, but rather, retrieval. It sometimes takes the form of recalling names. As a speaker, I encounter people daily whose names I want to remember. There have been deer caught in a headlight moments when someone has just told me their name and it slipped out of my consciousness as surely as water trickling through a closed fist. I have had to laugh and attribute it to those wise woman brain blips that I referenced earlier. When I have been with a friend and see someone approaching who I know, but their name escapes me, I have said to my companion, “Please introduce yourself to them first, so I can hear their name.” It is an adaptive device that I have used for at least 10 years.  If I am by myself, I have admitted that I am at a loss and ask them their name and how I know them.  Their laughter generally accompanies mine, particularly if they are around my age.                             

How to Fill in the Gaps

• Exercise
• Refrain from or reduce use of alcohol
• Take frequent breaks when working if possible to reset your brain
• Practice memorization skills
• Drink plenty of water
• Self-talk and re-direction. Say aloud what you want to remember: I remind myself that I have my keys, purse, cell phone AND brain, when I leave the house
• Pre-event rehearsal. I think about what I need to do on any given day.
• Eat nutrient rich foods such as kale, blueberries and beets.
• Remain as calm as possible, since it is likely that in frustration, memories are less likely to be at the ready.
• Use mnemonic devices such as relating a person’s name to a quality they possess.

Use of these techniques may be helpful in preventing our minds from “slip sliding away.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/26/are-middle-age-moments-inevitable/

How to Handle the Clash Between Love and Politics

I regularly see posts on social media from people saying, “If you voted for_________ (fill in the blank), you can unfriend me,” or “never speak to me again,” or a variation on a division between people who once were friends or who loved each other. Our current political era has created a greater divide, or at least a louder one, than most of us have ever seen before.

This is not just happening in America. A couple from England explained to me how Brexit has not only created a division in Europe, but also in households and families. Those for or against can simply not understand the others, nor change their minds. I have heard similar sentiments from those in Canada, and now, France.

So what do we do when our political stand and our friendships clash?

This is a particularly challenging question because on each side of the table people are feeling like deep-set values are being threatened. When our core safety or that of those we love is threatened our protective natures emerge.

It is important to take a step back and employ what I call “Six Essential Life Skills” so we can access solutions. At first, it seems cumbersome to remember steps. However, once learned and practiced, they all happen in one breath and can guide your behavior toward healthier solutions than merely turning your back on people that you love.

The first essential skill is to remember who you really are (and if you don’t know, figure it out.) When we remember that at our core we are spiritual beings having a human experience, rather than a ego vying to be right, we tend to behave differently. While politics and policy are critically important on our rights, freedoms and our environment’s well-being, what may even be more important is how we behave, how we treat others, how we speak and what we choose to think.

When we take the time to identify who we really are at the soul level, we may list “activist” but even more core than that, we may identify “loving, integrity, compassionate, forgiving” as our higher self-description.

While we journey down the path of remembering who we really are, it is helpful to remember who everyone really is, too. We are all divine beings, trying to figure out how to do this human thing, how to be safe, how to keep our families fed and find our way to enlightenment. Some just may be way further along the path than others, but like it or not, we are all on the path.

The second of essential life skills is to identify your target and remember what you are truly aiming for. Again, a certain political outcome or consciousness may be your target, but upon deeper introspection, you may discover that “healthy relationships with family/friends, integrity, respect, and understanding” are closer to your bull’s eye. We have to be careful not to side step our spiritual goals for less important human aspirations.

The third essential life skill is to become self-observant. Self-observation causes us to be mindful. Mindfulness allows us to see the big picture and realize that our choices either lead toward our “target” or away from it.

The fourth essential life skill is to evaluate our options and choose which target we want. Do we want to be right, or do we want to be loving? Do we want to honor fear or faith? Do we want to honor our politics over our relationships? Take a step back and ask yourself, if I put this person down, call them names, stop speaking to them or accuse them of being bad and wrong, will that lead toward my goal? In essence, we begin to see that our ego’s reactionary behaviors don’t actually accomplish our goals. Being defensive, indignant, and insulting does not actually change the other person’s mind, nor does it lead to a better planet, or policies, nor does it lead to healthy relationships and greater integrity. When we really take the time to evaluate, we see the insanity of doing and saying things that don’t actually lead where we want to go.

The fifth essential skill requires that we recalibrate with who we really are and access the creativity of our spirits. This process is a one-breath meditation where we take the “down elevator” from our ego mind to our spirits, and realign with the self-identified qualities that we aspire to embody: loving, integrity, compassionate, forgiving, humble, creative, accepting, imaginative, trusting, wise, intuitive, to name a few. Once we have accessed these innate spiritual qualities, we move to the sixth essential life skill: Choosing our words, thoughts and actions in alignment with who we really are and what we are trying to create.

Once we have recalibrated, we step into the creativity of other options:

• I can love you without agreeing with you.
• I can be friends with you without talking politics with you.
• I can keep my distance from you, while still honoring your core goodness.
• I can forgive you.
• I can admit that I was wrong.

In whatever form “judgment day” may be on our souls, I seriously doubt the question at the pearly gates will be “Who did you vote for?” but rather more akin to “How did you treat those who voted differently than you?”

Simply put, when love and political views clash, choose love.

This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/25/how-to-handle-the-clash-between-love-and-politics/

Can I Be Vulnerable with Him?

As a therapist, I often see a self-defeating pattern in clients: they hold back from expressing their authentic selves — their true feelings, wants, and needs to a relationship partner.  

What’s wrong with that?

What’s wrong is that by failing to communicate in ways that respect who we really are, we miss out on getting the kind of relationship we long for. We feel frustrated when we don’t feel understood, don’t get our needs met, and don’t know what’s on the other person’s mind. Communicating openly usually fosters a more emotionally and spiritually fulfilling relationship.

The story below shows how holding back, because we fear being hurt, can harm a relationship and how speaking from the heart, kindly and respectfully, can help you connect with your partner and also with others in a more meaningful, satisfying way.

Elizabeth’s Story

Elizabeth came to see me because she wanted to get married. A high-powered, successful entrepreneur who’d built her own software company, she found dating confusing. “I meet men and a lot of them seem interested. But sometimes I’m attracted to a man and spend time with him and it turns out he just likes me as a friend.” After she’d seen Bill a few times, Elizabeth told me, “He said to me, ‘I like you,’ but how am I supposed to know what that means?”

“Why not ask him? I suggested.

Elizabeth looked shocked. “I couldn’t do that,” she said. “I wouldn’t know what to say.”

She could say to Bill, smiling, “Thank you. I like hearing you say that. I also wonder, do you mean platonically or …?” In whatever words she might chose, by asking Bill politely what he means, she would be being vulnerable because his response might disappoint her. She wants a romantic relationship that leads to marriage. By asking Bill what he means, she’d is likely to gain clarity about whether to spend more time with him. She’s also letting him know that she is open to hearing him talk about his true self, and to revealing her own authentic self to him.   

But Elizabeth hadn’t learned that it was okay to be so direct. She didn’t want to put him on the spot like that, she said. But perhaps she didn’t want to risk that he would break her romantic fantasy bubble. As long as his intention remained vague to her, she would be able to think that Bill could be “the one.”

Is Vulnerability Worth the Risk?

Being vulnerable means communicating our true feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs. Yes, it can be risky to do so. If Bill had told Elizabeth that he viewed her as a friend, business associate, or client, and she had hoped for something different, she would have felt disappointed, rejected, or hurt — feelings none of want to bear.   

But being vulnerable with Bill would pay off for Elizabeth, however he responded. If he said he wanted to date her, and she learned that he was marriage minded, she would continue to get to know him and see where things led. If he’d said that he liked her only as a friend, she would move on to finding someone with more potential for marriage.   

Another way Elizabeth avoids being vulnerable is by insisting on paying for herself on dates. Most men prefer to pay, at least for the first date, according to my research conducted with men of all ages. “Let him treat you, at least the first time,” I suggested, “if he offers.”  

Being Vulnerable Means Letting Go of Trying to Control

For Elizabeth, allowing a man to treat, and thanking him would convey her own vulnerability. She thinks she is protecting herself. She believes that many men think that paying for her dinner entitles him to make a romantic or sexual overture and to expect her to accept it.  Paying for herself is her way of trying to control the relationship, to make sure whatever happens is on her terms, not his.

Controlling behavior is the opposite of being vulnerable. Elizabeth would be true to herself by recognizing that most men don’t expect the payoff she imagines they do; that it’s fine for a man to treat and that her “thank you” is all he expects. If he does expect romance or sex to result, to that she can say, “No, thank you!”

Benefits of Vulnerability

Being vulnerable means being in control of yourself, not being in control of the relationship. Yes, it can feel safer to be with a man (or woman) you think you can control. You can avoid having to experience awkward situations, disagreements, and hurt feelings. But think about what you might be losing — the chance to connect meaningfully with a potential or actual spouse. By being vulnerable, you’re more likely to gain a relationship that’s emotionally and spiritually fulfilling, and lasts a lifetime.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/25/can-i-be-vulnerable-with-him/