A Therapist Reveals the Surprising Truth about Older Men Marrying Younger Women

Aspen Colorado is a playground for many billionaires and celebrities. Also, the surrounding towns are full of “young for their age” fit and attractive mountain men. And so, as a therapist in the area, I have counseled a large number of heterosexual couples with a significant age gap between them. There are always exceptions to any rule, but a clear pattern has emerged over my many years in practice that has truly surprised me.

I am not proud to say that years ago I had a strong stereotype in my mind. It was that a younger woman who married an older man would always be a gold digger. She never worked and never wanted to. The man would be a sexist who only valued her for her youthful perfection and expected nothing else from the relationship but for her to look good on his arm. That is true about 10% of the time, but I was so wrong about the other 90%!

Imagine you are a man in your 40’s or 50’s who has gone through an awful divorce. Your ego has been raked over the coals. Every flaw you have has been shouted at you. Now, imagine you are a woman in your 20’s or even early 30’s. The guys you date have roommates. They have no gas money. They are generally stoned, aimless and only looking for fun. Now imagine this young woman meets this older man.

What happens next is magical. This man finds a woman who appreciates everything about him. He is so smart. He is so put together. He has matching socks and credit cards. She can’t believe how romantic he is. He makes dates and shows up on time. He makes reservations. His car is clean. He can hold an intelligent conversation. He is actually getting to know her and not pawing at her all the time. He is the greatest man she has ever dated by far. He feels like he really is the greatest man too because she adores him. They fall in love and get married.

Flash forward to her 30’s and that first phone call I receive from him. He is typically desperate and confused. When I begin counseling a couple, my typical structure is to have one individual session with each member. This allows the man and the woman to speak freely and inform me of what they see as the issues in private. Then the three of us meet together from there.  

In the older man’s private session, he usually explains to me that everything had been so perfect. He would do anything for her. He hasn’t changed and cannot understand why she is so unhappy with him. He adores her. Then he says the worst thing someone coming into couples counseling can say. “I just want everything to be back the way it was in the beginning.”

Then I meet with the younger woman. Now she has come to the disappointing realization that he was not Superman. He was just an older man. When you are young anyone older should be able to impress you. They typically are more responsible and confident and knowledgeable. They ask you deep questions. They are not just after one thing.  

Once the younger woman and her peers grow older too, she begins seeing her older husband as ordinary, maybe even as just old. He is defiantly not as fun and hip as her guy friends or her friends’ same-aged husbands. Then I hear phrases from her such as, “He tricked me”, “He’s not who I thought he was”, “He took advantage of me”, “I was too young for him.” She is bitter and resentful. She feels conned. Meanwhile, he has no idea what went wrong. Honestly, I always feel sad for both of them.

Then there is sex. Women do typically gain a significantly stronger sex drive in their late 30’s to late 40’s. Men, however, typically experience a steady decline. This does not help matters at all.

So, the stereotype in my mind was very wrong. I find that both the younger woman and the older man had good intentions going in. However, they do almost always hit this critical stage when the veil has dropped and reality sets in. It’s rarely him who leaves her for a younger woman. It’s more often her who leaves him for a younger man.

I always advise people to date and marry within ten years in age; beginning no sooner than 25 to 35. As great as it is to have a young partner show you new things, and an older partner teach you new things, there is no substitute for a partner who is your peer.

No one can ever go back to the beginning of any relationship. It will never be, “…the way it was back in the beginning.” All relationships evolve and grow. Even though people realize they misperceived what their futures would look like, that doesn’t mean they should throw in the towel.   

Many May/December romances do work out. They are just never as easy as they seemed in the beginning. These couples should go to counseling. They must learn to let each other change. They need to appreciate, respect and accept each other as they are at present. All relationships have challenges. In my experience this is the unique challenge of an older man and a younger woman as time goes by, simply put, they both get older.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/a-therapist-reveals-the-surprising-truth-about-older-men-marring-younger-women/

8 Ways to Let Go of Mistakes

No one likes to mess up. But for those of us with a mix of obsessive-compulsive disorder and perfectionism, we can become debilitated by the guilt and regret following a blunder. Our brains are stuck on the stupidity of our actions, rehashing the events as if doing so will change what happened.

How do you break free this painful loop of regret? After reading through a dozen self-help books on this topic and talking with people who have learned how to get beyond their errors, I compiled these eight strategies.

1. Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know.

Maya Angelou once wrote, “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” So often we view a mistake through the lens of our knowledge today and bash ourselves for making decisions based on that insight. However, we didn’t know what we didn’t know. We made the decision or acted the way we did with the facts that we had at the time. Just as we can’t expect a second-grader to perform perfectly on a high school calculus test, we need to give ourselves a break for doing the best given the facts and knowledge we had.

2. Trust your instincts.

Repeat this as a mantra when you get caught in the self-doubt loop: Whatever happened was the right thing because that is what happened. Instead of playing out a number of better scenarios in your mind, try to trust the instincts with which you made the decision.

Also keep in mind that it’s easy to confuse regret with the anxiety that is part of change, especially if your “mistake” involved a major life transition. Our brains have a negativity bias, often focusing on panic more than peace. Continuing with the status-quo is always more comfortable, so it makes sense that you are second-guessing a harder path. However, with a little time, the wisdom of your decision will become more apparent. The challenge is to stop second-guessing yourself until you can see the situation with more clarity.

3. Be kind to yourself.

In her book Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff, PhD, writes “If our pain is caused by a misstep we have made – this is precisely the time to give ourselves compassion. Rather than relentlessly cutting ourselves down when we fall, even if our fall is a spectacular one, we do have another option. We can recognize that everyone has times when they blow I, and treat ourselves kindly.”

She goes on to say that this involves more than stopping self-judgment. We have to actively comfort ourselves, just as we would a friend. She recommends hugging yourself or journaling. I find it helpful to write a letter to my inner child, reassuring her that she is loved despite her slip-ups, that she is beautiful in her imperfections.

4. Concentrate on the rebound, not the fall.

It’s not about how hard you fall; it’s about how gracefully you get up. Success isn’t about not making mistakes, it’s about the rebound. “Anyone can give up,” said black-belt martial artist and Chris Bradford, “it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would expect you to fall apart, now that is true strength.” So remove the tail between your legs. It serves no purpose.

You can be bold with your mistakes, if you are bold with your recovery. Because what matters in the end is the integrity and poise with which you handled failure. That’s the enduring message you send. Take a cue from Thomas Edison who said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

5. Celebrate your cracks.

There is a valuable lesson in Kintsugi, the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with gold. By accentuating the fractures in a piece as opposed to covering them up, the pottery becomes even more valuable than its flawless original. The practice is related to the Japanese aesthetic wabi-sabi, celebrating beauty that is “imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete.” Our mistakes are the refiner’s fire that sharpen the parts of us that would otherwise remain dull. They allow us to become more interesting, sensitive, compassionate, and wise human being.

6. Focus on your mistakes.

In her book Better By Mistake, Alina Tugend provides science to back up her claim that the best way to become an expert in your field is to focus on your mistakes. Among her case studies was the success of Bill Robertie, a world-class backgammon, chess, and poker player. After each chess match, he analyzes all of his moves, dissecting his errors to better inform the next round. This is a good practice for all of life’s moves. While it’s painful to revisit our errors, they contain valuable lessons that we can apply to different areas of our lives. Within the humiliations are heard-earned pearls of truth and wisdom. Henry Ford once said, “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”

7. Find the silver lining.

Oprah Winfrey told the 2013 graduating class of Harvard University that, “There is no such thing as failure – failure is just life trying to move us in another direction.” For Oprah, getting fired as an evening co-anchor for a Baltimore news station led her to her life’s calling as a morning talk show host. Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, and Dr. Suess have similar false-start stories that changed the course of their lives and elevated them to new heights.

The silver lining is not always obvious in the days or months after a blunder. However, if we pay attention, we can sometimes see the universe’s hand in directing us where we need to go.

8. Continue to take risks.

If you’ve ever been in a major car accident, you know how difficult it is to trust the road again. However, getting behind the wheel once more is the only way to move past the trauma.

After a mistake, it’s tempting to play it safe, to not put yourself out there again. But that only keeps you stuck in regret. To move forward is to continue to take risks. Tugend told me in an interview, “We need to constantly remind ourselves that every time we take a risk, move out of our comfort zone and try something new, we’re opening ourselves up to potentially making more mistakes. The greater the risks and challenges we take on, the greater the likelihood that we’ll mess up somewhere along the way — but also the greater the likelihood that we’ll discover something new and get the deep satisfaction that comes from accomplishment.”

Forgive yourself for lessons not learned. Trust your instincts. Find the silver lining. Learn from your mistakes. And most importantly, don’t ever stop being bold.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-ways-to-let-go-of-mistakes/

Podcast: How to Change Your Psychological Identity

We all know that addiction, severe depression, and other conditions change our personality. What few know, however, is just how deeply ingrained that change can be, and how difficult (and scary) it can be to try to become “ourselves” again. In this episode, we examine such changes through the experiences of our guest, who overcame depression and addiction, and now helps others do the same.

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About Our Guest

David Essel, MS, OM, is a number one best-selling author (10), counselor, master life coach, international speaker and minister whose mission is to positively affect 2 million people or more every day, in every area of life, regardless of their current circumstances.

His latest #1 best seller, FOCUS! SLAY YOUR GOALS…THE PROVEN GUIDE TO HUGE SUCCESS, A POWERFUL ATTITUDE AND PROFOUND LOVE, was selected by the influential blog “FUPPING” as one of the top 25 books that will make you a better person!

David’s work of 38 years is also highly endorsed by the late Wayne Dyer, “Chicken Soup for the Soul” author Mark Victor Hansen, as well as many other celebrities and radio and television networks from around the world.

He is verified through Psychology Today as one of the top counselors and life coaches in the USA, and is verified  through Marriage.com as one of the top relationship counselors and coaches in the world.

David accepts new clients every week into his 1-on-1 programs from around the world at www.davidessel.com

 

PSYCHOLOGICAL IDENTITY SHOW TRANSCRIPT

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator 1: Welcome to the Psych Central show, where each episode presents an in-depth look at issues from the field of psychology and mental health –  with host Gabe Howard and co-host Vincent M. Wales.

Gabe Howard: Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Show podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Vincent M. Wales. And today Vince and I will be talking with David Essel. David is a number one best selling author, counselor, master life coach, international speaker and minister whose mission it is to positively affect 2 million people or more every day in every area of life, regardless of their current circumstances. David, welcome to the show.

David Essel: Oh gosh, it’s great to be with you, Gabe and Vince. Looking forward to our conversation today.

Gabe Howard: This is wonderful. And just to clarify real quick before we get going… Two million people every day.

David Essel: You know, we don’t believe in tiny goals, do we?

Gabe Howard: No we don’t. Thank you so much for being here.

Vincent M. Wales: That’s a lot of people. So let me ask you… you know there are an awful lot of people out there who do similar things to what you do. And you’ve been helping people for what 30 years? Something like that? That’s that’s a long time. What makes your story about your healing different from the others?

David Essel: The reason in the world of personal growth and mental health addiction recovery and more… the reason why there are 700 million authors, basically, in this industry is the same reason why there’s so many authors in the auto repair industry, and you know personal growth industry in general is massive, but people need to hear different voices and I may be saying the same thing the late Wayne Dyer said and people, X percentage of people would grab Wayne’s words and change their lives and then there’s other people that may not connect and Wayne and I were very good friends when he was alive. And then there are people that may not quite connect with him but they might connect with the way that I talk or the way that I write or the videos we do, so I don’t know if it’s as much “What’s the big difference?” as we need to have different voices out there with different experiences. I know one of the advantages in the world of mental health that I have is that in my background I came from extreme alcoholism and cocaine addiction for years, which was caused or the underlying cause of many addictions is depression and an inability to deal with emotions in life. I went through a severe clinical depression, suicidal, to the point where that I had to get extreme medical care and you know all these things, guys, happened while I’m doing the same work I’m doing today. So not only is my energy different than a lot of other people that do the same work, the words I use might be a little different, but unlike some people that write about these topics that we’re going to talk about that have not experienced extreme mental illness or challenges or anything else, addiction, that I’ve gone through, I think that’s one of the advantages that I bring, too. Because I’ve been on those sides of the fence that are very daunting, extremely scary, and have come back and I think that’s an advantage that our work has that some other people may not be able to go that deep or as deep as we go because they’ve never personally experienced these things,which I don’t wish on anyone, but the end result is is that the empathy and compassion that I can have for people in the world struggling with mental health or addiction is is incredible because I was there. I’m very grateful for the work that I’ve done to remove myself from some of these challenges and also extremely interested in helping as many other people as we can work their way through this stuff.

Vincent M. Wales: Fantastic.

Gabe Howard: When we’re doing research for the show, one of the things that came up a few times that I thought was interesting is that you said it’s scary at first to heal from depression. And I wanted to know what you meant by that. Can you explain that a little more?

David Essel: Well you know when we have some type of a mental health challenge like a depression, we create an identity around it and that that identity is very powerful. We… it’s scary to let go of something you’re comfortable with, even if it isn’t healthy. In other words, let’s say that, during the depression, we create an identity well when we talk to our loved ones or our family, it’s always based on how we’re not feeling that great today, how we don’t have the motivation to go to the gym, how we don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t. When you repeat those phrases either vocally to the outside world or in your head, over the course of months and years we create an identity. The identity says, this is who I am. I’m a depressed person. So to walk away from that identity and then not have people saying to you on a daily basis, Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, this is such a hard day. Or, come on, we know you can move through this or have you tried this or have you tried that? When we’re doing all these things, thinking we’re helping the depressed person, we’re actually deepening their identity. We are… the compassion and empathy that I think we should all have in the beginning turns into this thing where the depressed person actually looks and will latch on to certain individuals who will also deepen their identity as a depressed person. So when I say it’s scary. it’s like. if we’ve been in a depressed state for a number of years. we don’t know what it’s like to live with a little bit of lightness. a little bit of inner peace. a little bit of joy. and while lightness. inner peace and joy. guys, sounds like three really great things… to the depressed person, it’s like moving to Afghanistan. We don’t know what it’s like. We don’t know the terrain. We don’t know the customs. We don’t know anything other than our identity as a depressed person. So that is frightening. And it’s the same thing with the world of addiction. You know, coming from a serious addiction background, myself, I didn’t know what it was like to go out to dinner without having drinks before I left my house. I didn’t know what it was like to go to sleep at night without multiple drinks to put me to sleep. So it’s scary to walk away from an identity that you’ve held on to for years and to walk into a new life. And that depressed person, of course, at the core wants to be happy and healthy, is so comfortable in their little zone that getting outside of it can seem unbelievably threatening. And we’ve worked with some people that, once they’ve overcome, quote unquote, their depression and started to feel better, missed all of the accolades of people saying, how are you today and we hope you’re getting better and have you tried this. Some people will slip back into the old identity just to get the attention. so it can be scary. Healing on any level can be scary for people that have long term identity based on some condition.

Vincent M. Wales: We get comfortable, even if it’s something that should be uncomfortable. It’s familiar to us. So, you know, you’re right, it is hard to leave it. And that’s that’s pretty sad when you think about it.

Gabe Howard: Well especially if it’s all you’ve ever known.

Vincent M. Wales: Right.

Gabe Howard: As longtime listeners know, I thought about suicide from a very young age. In fact, I don’t remember ever not thinking about suicide and I thought that everybody did. I thought that weighing the pros and cons of life and death was just like a normal thing to do because there’s no mental health education, nobody challenged this belief in me, and then of course that’s not OK. Eventually, I went to a psychiatric hospital, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I learned about mental health and mental illness and and that all got fixed. So that was wonderful except, here I am at 26 years old, and for the first time ever, it occurred to me that I could die. And I didn’t want to die. So that was a scary thing. And I just became ultra paranoid about everything. So even though this led to greater potential for my future and you know now I’m 42 and everything is wonderful. You know for a couple of years, it was just really hard. My entire identity was wrapped up in this way of thinking. I knew no other way to think. And it sounds like that’s what you’re describing there.

David Essel: Oh it’s exactly. Gabe. what I’m describing. And you know it doesn’t even have to be from birth. I mean someone could hit a real challenging mental health crisis in their 20s, 30s, 60s, 70s, 80s. It doesn’t take more than about six months of something very extreme of PTSD, high anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenic disorder… It doesn’t take more than six months for the subconscious mind to create an identity that says, this is who I am. To our listeners that maybe have loved ones that struggle with depression, but they haven’t, to hear what we’re talking about, that it’s scary to not be a depressed person, doesn’t make sense. But a lot of conditions in this world – addiction and mental health disorders – don’t make sense. So if you’re listening because you have loved ones that are struggling and we’re talking about people that who are depressed, they create an identity, and they want to stay in their identity, even if it doesn’t sound logical, it’s very true. So understand that when you’re dealing with your loved ones that they may be trying to hold on at some unconscious or subconscious level to their title, to their identity as a depressed person in order just to survive, because they have nothing that they can even compare it to. And let me make this differentiation between the conscious and the subconscious mind. So the conscious mind that the mind says, you know, I’ve been feeling down, I’m always blue, I’ve lost my joy for life, nothing sounds good to eat or to drink and no activities that I used to do sound good anymore. And it’s dragging myself out of bed in the morning and so many of the symptoms of clinical depression that I just mentioned. Wen we have all those things going down and we live with ourselves on a daily basis, that subconscious mind picks up the pattern. We’ll never get out of this. Life is too hard. It’s too challenging. No one understands me. No one could possibly understand me. There is nothing that works. I’ve tried several medications, the side effects are worse than… And it’ll go on and the subconscious will grab that identity that we are a depressed person, and because we’ve rethought it so many times and talked about it so many times and gotten that validation from the outside world – I’m so sorry you’re struggling – that the subconscious then, because it’s so powerful, will hold on and fight like heck for that person to stay in that depressed identity. You know, we work with people that, in the beginning, they were on the correct medication, they were doing the correct coping mechanism skills that we gave them, we have them doing all kinds of exercises on emotion for depression. We believe in our experience in the world of depression that about 90 percent of it is caused by unexplored or submerged emotions like rage and anger, resentments, shame, guilt, like we really believe about 90 percent of depression is caused by emotions that have not been vented, that haven’t had no place to escape. So the subconscious continues to grab onto these thoughts and as that person starts to feel better, they start to see the world open up. There is a percentage that will actually try to retreat back into that depressed identity to get the validation and the feedback from the outside world that they are used to. So again, while it may not make sense to the person that’s never personally struggled with anything we’re discussing tonight, it doesn’t have to make sense to be real and hopefully some of this information that we’re sharing will make it easier for us to understand that person struggling without having to judge them or without having to placate them and keep them in that stuck identity.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these words from our sponsor.

Narrator 2: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com, secure, convenient and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Vincent M. Wales: Welcome back everyone. We’re here talking with David Essel. You’re not the first that I’ve heard talk about depression being caused by unexpressed emotions, specifically anger is what I’ve heard in the past, so I’ve always found that pretty interesting. I never considered myself an angry person. It takes a lot to get me angry, as Gabe can attest. But when I when I stopped to think about it, I did have a lot of repressed anger, just unexpressed, and that I just would fight down and everything. And it often was that way because there was no target. It was just general, you know, free floating kind of anger with nothing to aim it at. So that was an interesting thing. So you talked a lot about the subconscious versus the conscious mind here, and of course, a lot of us have always heard things like well, you know, subconsciously, yada yada yada. We’re responsible for this and this is what’s causing that. The subconscious, in other words, just sounds like a negative thing but is there a positive aspect to it?

David Essel: Oh gosh, Vince, that’s that’s a great question. And you know, we believe in life that whole concept of yin yang is is absolute perfection. There is an opposite to everything. So if the subconscious that we’re talking about tonight from a negative point of view, keeping us stuck in an identity as a depressed person, then it must also be, there must also be a powerful side of the subconscious. And and there is. Thank God. Because the subconscious works on patterns, whatever you feed it or whatever you’re around listening to or whatever you’re watching or the people you’re hanging out with, they’re all sending messages to the subconscious constantly about someone’s right, someone’s wrong, conspiracy theories, you know, your weight gain is genetics and all this other kind of stuff. When a depressed person can break the chains of an identity based on being depressed and they can start to heal, if they’ll stay with the daily exercises and the possible medication that they may be on that they can stay with the program long enough, they can turn that subconscious mind from battling to hold onto an identity that I am a depressed person or I am a suicidal person. We can actually turn that around, guys, that you can use the subconscious as your greatest ally in the world. Now when I say subconscious, I want to make something else clear, too. We look at subconscious responses and a term that we always use is a subconscious response is a knee jerk reaction. That’s the easiest way to describe it. So someone is talking to you about your mental illness and they say, hey you know I just read the story about this person in some other city that used this new therapy and it was incredible. Now, to most people who are struggling with depression, the immediate response is, well it might work for them, it would never work for me, I’ve tried everything. That happens so fast that it’s not a conscious decision to reply like that to this person. It’s a knee jerk reaction. It’s a defense mechanism, and it happens instantaneously without us even thinking about it. Now the cool thing is, and I’ll sort of jump tracks here over to the world of addiction, for twenty-five plus years, I knew myself as a raging alcoholic, but I was in denial, so I didn’t call myself a raging alcoholic… a cocaine addict, and I was in denial with that, too. For twenty-five plus years, my identity was all about addiction, but I didn’t use the word addiction on myself. I said, this is the way I relax. This is what successful men do. So I created a subconscious identity to protect my addiction so I never had to end it. Now when I ended it, guys, there were three parts of my recovery that were the scariest… It was like living a nightmare. The first was going to a treatment center and knowing that, as of noon when I checked in, I would not have access to any alcohol or drugs. And it scared the hell out of me. The next time I was extremely afraid was the day that I came home, thirty-two days later. And now I was free. I had the freedom. I could go to the store. I could go to my local dealer. I could do whatever I wanted to and that was outrageously scary. And then the third scariest time was basically the next year. When I was changing my identity. I wasn’t drinking. I was doing really heavy duty emotional work with several counselors. But I was still afraid to go to dinners or to go anywhere… I was based in fear. And over time and a lot of work – and that was a number of years ago – the fear totally was gone. The subconscious mind we turned around to be an ally where I am a completely recovered person. We don’t even talk about the word addiction, anymore. I don’t believe that I’m a “recovering” alcoholic. I believe I have fully recovered, which is a pretty strong statement, but we can back it with tons of information, if needed. But the subconscious, now, I go to parties, I go out to dinner, I’ll go to funerals, I’ll go to weddings, I’ll officiate weddings and funerals, and where in the past, it was just really normal for me to look for a glass of wine or someone to offer it right away, now the subconscious has turned around so much, guys, that there’s not even an interest. When the last great depression hit, in 2006, 2007, and I was sober back then, I lost everything. And I over-bet on the real estate industry, I had everything on the real estate industry, and I lost my shirt, as they say. In that time of going through those years, of accumulating all of this wealth and losing it in a matter of a year, completely losing everything… It would have been a great opportunity, if the subconscious hadn’t been so wholly turned around, for me to drink or to do cocaine or do something to get out of the pain. But when you learn the correct coping mechanisms, and the subconscious is turned around, the thought of having a drink never even enters your mind. And that’s the beauty of the subconscious, is that if you’re willing to do the work – which about 90 percent of people in this world (now listen to this) are not willing to do – you can go ahead and take wherever you are with your addictions, with your challenges and with the correct help, and in some cases, as you guys know, the correct medication – which can be really hard to get that correct dosage  and the correct medication – but if you’re willing to do the work, we can heal so deeply and turn that subconscious mind that used to have an identity as a depressed person or I can’t do this because I have this other mental health issue or I have an addiction… we can turn that around and find out what freedom truly feels like.

Gabe Howard: I think I understand what you’re saying because, for example, when I work with doctors, social workers, psychologists, people that work with people with, you know, severe and persistent mental illness, you know, bipolar, schizophrenia, major depression… I always ask them what are their goals for their patients. And, oftentimes I get pretty stereotypical answers. They want them to be med compliant, they want them to stop pushing back in therapy, they want them to be on time, they want them to not complain about the wait of the waiting room, they want them to pay the bills on time. You know, a lot of stuff like that, that is all very good things. I mean, I understand why they want them to, you know, take their medicine as prescribed and be on time and not cause a problem in the waiting room, but I pointed out that there’s a disconnect there because their patient’s goal is to go to Hawaii. Their patient’s goal was to get married, is to have a job. They’re not going to see you to be compliant with the treatment that you prescribe. They want the treatment so they can get on with the rest of their life. And it seems like what you’re saying is if the doctors sort of subconsciously believe that the goal is to be compliant, they’re going to subconsciously push that compliance onto their patients. That’s going to make their patients unhappy because they don’t feel that their medical staff understands that their goal isn’t to be compliant. Their goal is to go to Hawaii. And the doctors don’t realize they’re doing this, the medical staff, they don’t realize they’re doing it, they’re not bad people. So yeah, if your knee jerk reaction every time something bad happens is to drink, that is in fact problematic… or however it fits into, you know, anxiety, depression, etc.

David Essel: Yeah. Interesting comment that you just made, too, Gabe, about, you know, do we as professionals, do we understand what someone’s going through? And again I’ll say it’s probably one of the edges that counselors, therapists, psychiatrists who have struggled themselves have. A number of years ago, I started working with a young schizophrenic man, and I still work with them to this day. And when… you know, our traditional sessions for 18 and up is an hour, 17 and lower is a 30 minute session. So, you know, he was they were really struggling with finding the right medication. He would be in the session with me but not there present for about 80 percent of the session. He would be drifting off and, you know, the voices were coming and thoughts were coming and he couldn’t stay… he couldn’t concentrate, just could not concentrate. So I said to his parents one time, I said, hey listen, I love your son, by the way. I’ve worked with him. We do great work together. But I want to make a recommendation, and this is going against all protocol that we’ve been trained with, but I want to do 15 minute sessions. That’s it. I can see that this is a strain on him. I can see that this isn’t what he wants. Now, he walks out of the sessions telling you, mom and dad, that you know he wants to continue to work with David. But I said in the sessions it’s different. So if you’re willing, and thank God they were… guys, we went to 15 minute sessions. This young man blossomed. Right now – and I’m getting shows as I say this – the last time I saw him was three weeks ago because his family went on a vacation. He is now in his… I think he’s 24. He’s in college. He’s going to get an associates degree. Now, it’s going to take him… I think he’s been at it for about three years. I think it’s going to take him another year. Now, he will never live outside of the house, he’ll always live with mom and dad, but for this kid, this young man… and it goes right to what you’re saying, Gabe, it’s like, you know, when we asked him what was his goal, his goal was to finish school. Now according to everyone else that had worked with him, that was an impossibility. He couldn’t go to college, for all the different challenges that he had. And yet, in a year he’s going to graduate. When I saw him just before the Christmas break, the last time I saw him, he was ecstatic. Now he doesn’t show ecstasy like I might or someone else might. But you could see it in his face and his eyes how proud he was that he was able to do this, you know, and able to accomplish something that everyone had told him he couldn’t do. And I think it’s because we modified, extremely modified the program to fit him, not what statistically programs are supposed to be like. Does that make sense?

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah yeah. And that’s that’s a great story. Great story. Thank you. Thank you. Let’s talk about anxiety for a second. What kind of things have you got to say about that?

David Essel: First let’s look at the volume. You know, 40 million people on a daily basis in the U.S. alone struggle with depression and/or anxiety. It’s an interesting topic because we’ve heard over the years that there’s been a continual increase in anxiety in our society and people are blaming social media, and it definitely has a role in it for sure. When we talk about anxiety, and I just had a brand new client this week start, and he came in and he’s filled with anxiety. Now he has a high pressured sales position, so everyone who has always told him, all the counselors he’s worked with,you know, it’s genetically based or it’s something, it’s just you put so much pressure, you’re so competitive, you’re so you’re this, you’re so that… and I just met with him one time, we had our first session, and I asked him – because this is, I think, a missing link with anxiety – I asked him was his grandmother, grandfather, mom, dad, sister, brothers, aunts or uncles… Was there anyone in his life when he grew up that couldn’t relax? That was always on the move. That was always trying to accomplish the next ABCDE. And he looked at me and he started laughing and I said, What’s so funny? He goes, You just called my mother out. I said, Well let me tell you something. In our opinion, and we’re just one opinion of 40 years in the personal growth industry, 30 years in counseling and coaching, he said we see anxiety being created by the core family element between the age of zero and 18 much more so than a genetic link. And what we mean by that is… we’ll go back to the subconscious mind. From zero to 18, we’re in an environment where mom can’t sit down. She’s always up and moving. She can’t relax. She’s always doing that. It might seem productive, you know, that she’s dusting now and she’s sweeping next and she’s picking up this next and she’s got TV’s on one room and and a radio on and another room. That might seem like a productive use of time. Actually it’s an example of a full-blown anxiety episode. So this young man was raised in an environment where it was normal to not relax. It was normal to be hyper-competitive. It was normal that, when friends or relatives were coming over, that that house was freaking spotless. It was normal that all of this anxiety that was produced, not on purpose, but by mom, and she’d probably modeled her mom or dad… he took on because of the environment he was raised in. And right away when I see… when I can when I can pull someone out of, you know, this must be genetic, and everyone wants to use those words, genetic. So with anxiety, a large percentage we see that people – just like almost everything we’re talking about tonight, guys, is that people, when we’re not taught how to deal with emotions, when we’re not asked to go deeper, when we’re not exploring what could be the cause of this depression or anxiety other than the fact that it could be genetically related, that we’re losing out on helping millions of people a day to heal. So anxiety is real. The condition is real. A huge number of people are affected by it. But we have seen in our practice so many people heal from it, get off of their medications, live super productive lives when they learn how to deal with underlying emotions that they didn’t even know were there. Or they can start to see constructively that, oh my god, I’m repeating my dad’s alcoholism or I’m repeating my uncle’s whatever it might be. There are so many conditions that are created in this incubator called zero to 18 and I think that information is crucial to get out because, once again, going back to what I talked about a little while ago, this gentleman that came in the other day, he said, I’ve been diagnosed with full-blown anxiety attacks, panic attacks. I have them once a week. And now we’re going to get to the core and find out what is causing them. And a big part of it could be he’s just repeating the way his mom reacted to life, and if he continues doing that, it’s going to get worse. But we’re gonna help him break through it, for sure.

Gabe Howard: That is wonderful. Thank you so much. We’ve only got a couple of minutes left, is there any final thoughts that you want to leave us with? Where can we find you? Obviously the show notes will have your web page and all of that stuff. But, you know, there’s just so much that we didn’t get a chance to talk about. Can you give us the 30 to 60 second overview of of everything that we can know about you?

David Essel: Absolutely, Gabe. First of all I want to thank you and Vince for having me on, and for our listeners… you know, we offer a lot of free stuff. And that’s – again, how do you reach 2 million people a day, is that you’ve got to be creative, so – if your listeners want to get on our daily video e-mail list – it’s called David Essel’s Daily Video Boost – where we talk about these type of topics, where we talk about what causes depression and what are some of the potential cures and everything else that we’ve discussed today… All they have to do is go to the Web site, which is TalkDavid.com and sign up for the Daily Boost, it’s free. They’ll also find our link for our YouTube videos. Thirteen hundred videos, there’s a lot of videos on depression anxiety et cetera there. So if they just go to TalkDavid.com, they can find out where they can get all the free information, and then if they wanted to do something with the work that we do, they could let us know with an e-mail.

Gabe Howard: That would be wonderful. Thank you so much. And thank you, everybody, for tuning in this week. And remember you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private, online counseling anytime, anywhere by visiting betterhelp.com/psychcentral. We will see you all next week.

Narrator 1: Thank you for listening to the Psych Central Show. Please rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you found this podcast. We encourage you to share our show on social media and with friends and family. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/show. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website. Psych Central is overseen by Dr. John Grohol, a mental health expert and one of the pioneering leaders in online mental health. Our host, Gabe Howard, is an award-winning writer and speaker who travels nationally. You can find more information on Gabe at GabeHoward.com. Our co-host, Vincent M. Wales, is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor and author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels. You can learn more about Vincent at VincentMWales.com. If you have feedback about the show, please email talkback@psychcentral.com.

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-how-to-change-your-psychological-identity/

3 Ways to Create Positive Relationships in the Workplace

Throughout a typical work week, employees will interact more with their colleagues than loved ones. Positive interactions between employees not only makes for a better work environment but can foster higher levels of job satisfaction and productivity. Negative or toxic relationships in the workplace can increase stress levels among employees, as well as feelings of isolation. Both stress and isolation negatively impact employees’ mental and physical health, lowering employee morale and motivation.

Data collected from 17,000 employees who completed MHA’s Work Health Survey showed that 63% of employees experienced isolation because of a hostile work environment, with 63% stating that work stress negatively affected their mental and physical health. Not surprisingly, 71% of employees reported speaking poorly of their organization (including boss and co-workers) and wanting to leave their jobs. For many employees, the workplace feels uncertain, isolating, and unsupportive.

In prioritizing positive work relationships, employers can promote a creative, collaborative, and supportive workplace culture. Employers that want employees to be at their best should recognize the critical role that positive relationships play in keeping them satisfied, motivated, and engaged.

Here are three ways that employers can foster positive work relationships in the workplace:

1. Encourage Social Interaction.

Increasing social interactions among employees will also increase their level of comfort. When employees are comfortable with each other, they are more inclined to share ideas, provide feedback, and offer support. Employers can increase employee interaction by arranging social events that celebrate personal and professional milestones. They can also do something as simple as incorporating an occasional ice breaker during staff meetings. Employers should not only approve of these activities, but also participate in them. These moments offer a good opportunity to foster positive relationships with their employees.

2. Creating Opportunities for Collective Decision-Making.

Assigning team work encourages employees to collaborate and communicate with each other. Employees that communicate effectively have been found to work in a more efficient manner. Through collaboration, employees can strengthen their own skills, as well as learn new ones. They can also learn how their colleagues think and complete tasks, allowing for a quick transition from working individually to being part of team. When assigning teamwork, employers should emphasize communication and collaboration, while noting that any successes or failures will be those of the team and not of one individual.

3. Promote Open Door Policies.

Positive work relationships cannot develop in a workplace culture that does not support open communication and mutual respect. Employers need to send the message that they are accessible and encourage employees to provide feedback and/or discuss any workplace issues. Employers should also learn to listen and act intently, making employees feel seen, heard and valued. Employees are more likely to seek positive relationships with their colleagues if they feel that it is something that is promoted and supported by their organizations.

This post courtesy of Mental Health America.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-ways-to-create-positive-relationships-in-the-workplace/

How to Show Up for Your Life: Turning the Ordinary into the Extraordinary

What do these two people have in common: a young man playing the cello, and a father eating with his daughter at a local restaurant? This may sound like the beginning of a joke, but it is no joke. Read on.

I recently had the remarkable experience of hearing a young man play the cello. That is actually a complete understatement. He didn’t just play the cello — he became one with the instrument, and with the music, in a way I have rarely witnessed. Yes, he had great skill, but his playing went far beyond skill. For fifteen minutes or so, he was so completely absorbed in playing this piece of music that every fiber of his being was attuned with the vibration coming from his instrument. His eyes were mostly closed, his body moved as if in a dance, and he played each note with such intense passion, as if each note were its own masterpiece. This is the power of being fully present.

So what about the more ordinary scene of the father eating at a local restaurant with his young daughter? Interestingly, while I observed this scene many years ago, the image is still so vivid in my mind.

This father was sitting at a table eating lunch with his young daughter, who looked to be about five years old. She was chatting away in a carefree manner, as 5-year-olds often do. He was leaning forward, looking intently at her with warm eyes, and responding to her as if every word she was saying was deeply important. He was completely attentive, and his body language showed that he was not just listening, but was also fully attuned to her emotions and expressions in a loving and open way.

This went on for the ten minutes or so that I observed. What struck me was how rare it is to see this depth of interaction between parent and small child. More commonly, parents are half-listening while their attention is elsewhere, or they are engaged for short bits of time, but then lose attention to focus on other things.

Even as adults speaking to other adults, how often are we fully attentive like this? In my experience, not often enough.

This father exemplified what it is like when we are truly and fully present with another human being. This kind of presence is hard to come by. Think about how easy it is for our minds to be distracted, pulled in multiple directions. We spend large amounts of time thinking about the past and future. We eat while we answer emails or watch TV; we text while we are talking with others, walking, or worse, driving; we walk outside while we run through our to-do list and miss the trees and sky; we multi-task masterfully, all the while missing out on the gifts that come with giving our whole-hearted attention and presence to one thing.

I recently heard Tara Brach share this statement: “How you live today is how you live your life.” I find this a wonderful invitation to begin paying attention to how we are living our days. If you are like me, and most human beings, much of the time your body is in one place, and your mind is somewhere else. This is part of our human condition. Yet with practice and awareness, we can train our minds to more often be right here with us in this moment — even if just for short periods of time.

Several mindfulness meditation teachers I have heard teach that mindfulness is experienced when our bodies and minds are in the same place at the same time. One way of practicing this and training the mind to be more present and aware is by bringing one’s awareness to each breath as it comes in and as it goes out. This sounds so simple, and perhaps even silly, but it is actually quite profound.

We don’t practice meditation to become “good” meditators, or to simply become “good” at focusing on the breath. Instead, this is a skill that we can take outside of formal meditation practice and into our lives. As we teach the mind to stay with the experience of breath, we are also learning to come back to the very moments of our lives when our minds wander off into our common mental distractions as we go through our day.

So, how do we show up for our lives?

Besides formal meditation practice to help us cultivate being present in this moment, we can practice informally, as we go through the activities of our day.

One important way we can do this is to create more conscious moments where we bring our full attention to what is happening right here and now. 

Some people have a misconception of meditation as something that requires a mystical experience or a complete quieting of the mind that can feel unattainable. But in fact, meditation can be quite ordinary, and we can practice it while we go about our day-to-day activities. We can use the ordinary moments of our lives to bring our full attention to them, while we are brushing our teeth, walking to our car, eating a meal, talking with family members, or folding the laundry. As we bring our full attention to what we are experiencing (engaging as many of our five senses as possible and being present in our bodies for whatever we are experiencing), the task is to continue to redirect our attention back to what we are experiencing, each time the mind wanders away. As we become more present and aware of the ordinary, even seemingly mundane moments of our lives, we also wake up to the aliveness that each moment holds.

So here is a suggestion for today. Find just a few minutes when you can put 100% of your attention on something you are doing. It could be listening in a conversation, playing with your child or pet, eating your next meal, listening to a piece of music, or washing the dishes. When your mind wanders, which it will, bring it back, again and again, gently and without judgment. Notice what the experience is like. What do you experience by doing this that you might otherwise miss? What is it like to have your body and your mind in the same place at the same time?

Most of our moments may not be as profound an experience as those of the cello player’s. However, the more we can practice presence a few minutes at a time, the more opportunity we have, as the father at the restaurant did, to transform the ordinary moments of our lives into something extraordinary.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-show-up-for-your-life-turning-the-ordinary-into-the-extraordinary/

Clean Your Room & Other Dumb, Simplistic Advice

Every year, I will notice a new set of self-help gurus come on the scene. Their well-intended advice is usually repackaged life advice that I could trace back to early 1900s authors and researchers. Some go back even further than that.

Of course, if simplistic, dumb advice worked, there’d probably be very little need for psychologists, therapists, and life coaches. “Oh, thanks for letting me know that all I needed to do was to pull myself up and use pure willpower to stop my addiction. That’s super helpful!”

Let’s take a look at some of the dumb, simplistic advice being offered to people nowadays.

1. Clean your room and get organized.

I guess parenting has truly gone out the window with any semblance of teaching kids some responsibility if one of the most popular self-help guru’s primary takeaway is, “Clean your room.” I reviewed Jordan Peterson’s not-too-successful attempt at a self-help book, Twelve Rules for Life. I did not come away impressed by his shallow thought processes and constant diving into tangential, largely unrelated topics in each chapter. This is what he says about Rule 6 in an interview:

Well, my sense is that if you want to change the world, you start from yourself and work outward. Because you build your competence that way. It’s like, I don’t know how you can go out and protest the structure of the entire economic system if you can’t keep your room organized.

Ah, yes. “Let he without sin cast the first stone.” Of course, perfectly disorganized people have helped change the world, because nobody has ever said, “Oh, no, you can’t be a leader, George Washington. Your room is messy!”

Keeping organized helps some people. For others, it causes a lot more stress to stay “organized” (using some third-party’s arbitrary metric of what good organization should be) than it is to stay messy. I have a pretty disorganized office, and always have. But I know precisely where everything is, because it’s organized for me. Does that mean the rest of my life is also disorganized? Of course not. The one has absolutely no direct bearing on the other. (I’d happily welcome research references demonstrating a causal link between the two.)

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

Every extrovert doesn’t understand why introverts don’t like the same things they like. The same is true of organization-driven people versus disorganized people — two different yet equally valid ways of being in this world.

2. You just need to try X, you’ll be feeling better in no time.

So many well-meaning, well-intentioned people say this to folks who are emotionally struggling. But it’s probably one of the worst possible things you could say. While magic ingredient X — whether it be dieting, a supplement, exercise, a therapist, a new drug, whatever — may work just fine for you, that doesn’t mean squat about whether it’ll work for your friend or family member. Furthermore, the advice also presupposes — as most advice does — that the person hasn’t already tried X.

I may want to hear what worked for you if you’ve gone through something very similar to what I’m going through. But let me ask first, okay?

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

Research consistently demonstrates that most things meant to help someone with a specific concern or problem don’t work well for most people. Only some of them do, for some people, some of the time — no matter whether it’s a specific diet, a type of exercise, psychotherapy, a supplement, or a drug. It’s overly simplistic to suggest that you know X will work.

3. Stop and smell the roses.

This has gotten dusted off with the rise of mindfulness, which is not unlike simple meditation but with a little more focus thrown in. The key is to focus on your being, on your experience, in the moment. Sipping a cappuccino? Don’t just mindlessly look at your social media feed. Take a moment to enjoy the actual taste of the coffee in your mouth, smell the aroma, enjoy the swirl of cream on top.

This is all good and very well. And it can really work wonders the first 5 times you give it a try. But somewhere around the 6th time (sooner or later, depending upon your personality), you may start finding it more and more difficult to enjoy it the same way.

That’s not surprising, because psychology has taught us that human beings are creatures of habit and acclimation. It would be impossible for one to drive a car in the country because of all the wonder and nature found in such a drive.

Humans are habit-driven and wear deep tracks in the trails of their daily routines and behaviors.

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

Humans are habit-driven and wear deep tracks in the trails of their daily routines and behaviors. While you absolutely will enjoy slowing down a moment when you can to reflect on the exact moment you’re living in, you should acknowledge and embrace the drive, habits, and energy that makes you alive and the person that you are.

4. Reinforce good behavior.

Likely born out of BF Skinner’s research on rats and his theory on operant conditioning, there’s this idea — with some good research backing — that we should reinforce good behavior. Whether it be a few M&Ms for picking up your toys as a child, or a kiss on the cheek for taking out the trash without having to be asked, many people believe in this advice.

It’s generally okay advice, and tends to work well for children. But it only goes so far, especially for adults. You can’t reinforce good behavior in others simply through treats or behavioral rewards if they have no interest in the treats or rewards.

The research also shows when the rewards are external (e.g., money or treats) they tend to be far less motivating (and less dependable) than when the rewards are internal (e.g., self-esteem or selflessness). Of course, it’s far harder to understand, much less make use of, those internal rewards.

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

People use external reinforcements for good behavior, which works better in children than for adults. Reinforcement that relies on external rewards rather than internal ones tend to be less powerful and dependable over the long term.

5. Stop hanging around negative people all the time.

In the “You need better friends” category, we have this doozy. I don’t know of too many people who choose to hang around negative people, or maybe have a friend or two that are dysfunctional or even possibly toxic. We come into friendships in a variety of ways, but usually through shared association or interests over time.

Here’s the catch though — people change. All the time, people are changing. It’s an inevitable part of life. And that means what brought two people together as friends may no longer be something they both share. And family is worse, in that we don’t usually have much of a choice in needing to interact with them.

Do we ditch a person just because they’re going through a negative or rough patch? Hopefully loyal friends don’t.

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

Negativity is a part of everyone’s life. While there’s little value in holding onto it any longer than necessary, it serves an important purpose and balance. It would be near impossible to demand and expect only to have “positive” friends who support and agree with your every thought and action. While you could benefit from moving forward without truly toxic people in your life, you should realize and expect that some friends will always have a different outlook on life that may not be yours, but can lend valuable perspective to it.

6. Just start doing this or stop thinking that.

Lots of self-help books have a similar problem. They paint a pretty picture of the destination but provide little in the way of guideposts on how to arrive there in any meaningful manner. It’s not surprising, once you understand how complex people really are. One set of guideposts aren’t likely to be helpful to most people who read them.

Some authors fall into the trap of explaining why it’s good to stop doing some bad habit or unwanted behavior. Or why, if you just change your thinking, you can “think your way out” of depression or a problem in your life.

For a handful of people, such approaches might work. But usually insight and information is not nearly enough to effect meaningful change in a person’s life. That takes customized work and deeper understanding of a person’s own experiences, motivations, and beliefs.

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

If things were so simple we could just stop doing or thinking them, there’d be little need of therapists (or self-help books, for that matter!). The fact is that change of any type is hard. Undoing a behavior or way of thinking you’ve been doing for many years is like getting rid of a bad habit. It’s going to take a fair amount of time, concerted effort, focus, and hard work. That’s where a psychotherapist can help.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/clean-your-room-other-dumb-simplistic-advice/

The Value of a Relapse

Utter the seven-letter word relapse in recovery circles and the room grows silent. Why did it happen? How did it happen? How much sobriety did she have? How long did she stay out? If a person had years of sobriety accrued, it is expected that the clock be reset – as if they had never stopped drinking. Call me a rebel, but this is too black and white for my taste. While I realize the need to recognize and commemorate consecutive days of sobriety, recovery from addiction is rarely straightforward or neat. More often than not, it’s a messy, ongoing journey of learning and coping and healing that includes its share of falls. Relapses are a sometimes-necessary part of the adventure. In fact, I’m glad mine happened. Here’s why.

My five-day experiment

The summer before last I experimented with alcohol after 28 years of sobriety. Having quit drinking before I was legal, I always questioned whether or not I was truly an alcoholic. Maybe, I thought, my binge drinking between the ages of 15 and 18 were merely a form of high school rebellion. It seemed a valid question. I couldn’t relate to many of the testimonies in twelve-step group meetings because I hadn’t really lost anything as a result of my drinking, except for some pride after initiating a stupid cat fight under the influence.

One July evening after everyone had gone to bed, I stared at the Heinekens in the fridge. Maybe I am normal, I thought to myself. Maybe I can have the occasional cocktail and join the fun. So with shaking hands, I pulled one out of the fridge, opened the bottle, and reacquainted with my long lost friend.

Nothing terrible happened. I stopped at one. So the next night I tried it again. For the first 48 hours of my experiment it seemed as if I had joined the ranks of the social drinkers. Hallelujah! However, by day three, I began to obsess about my next drink. On day four, I smuggled a six-pack of Coors Light into a park to drink alone. On day five, I considered stopping by the liquor store to buy a bottle of vodka to keep in the trunk … you know, in case I needed a fix.

The next day, by coincidence or divine intervention, a friend who is a recovery alcoholic stopped by the house during his run. He has never done this before or since. I confessed to him the details of what I was up to and he told that he was picking me up for a meeting the next day.

A bathroom break, not a start over

“Is there anyone here with 24 hours of sobriety?” the meeting chair asked at the end. I wasn’t sure whether or not to raise my hand. As the folks in the room saw it, I had about 26 hours of sobriety. However, by my standards, I had been sober 28 years and one day. I went with their math and waltzed sheepishly to the front of the room to claim my chip.

That day was an important milestone for me. I haven’t drank since. However, I wasn’t celebrating a day of sobriety. I was commemorating all the wisdom and perseverance and courage that had kept me sober for over a quarter of a century. All the sweat and hard work of the 28 years of sobriety that preceded my 24-hour chip were on display in that moment. Nothing was lost. I don’t believe a person starts over if they pick up a drink. I view it more like a bathroom break, where you look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “What the hell am I doing?” and then resume your place in line to get a table.

Progress is uneven

Perhaps some people have linear recoveries. They drink. They stop. They find happiness and peace. But I have yet to meet such a person. The recovery patterns for most of us entail a dance of up-and-down movements, right-to-left adjustments, a pirouette and a plié – with the hope that we are moving forward. Much like a walking labyrinth that guides you out before in, recovery is typically more spiral or circular than it is square. Just when we think we’ve encroaching on home base, we are thrown out to left field.

“Progress, not perfection” rings true with all of my addictive behavior. I don’t have to get it down the first time, the second time, or even the 52nd time. Gradual baby steps towards the goal of serenity and peace are enough. On those days when I engage in codependent behavior or reach for something to relieve my pain, I remind myself that it’s not the fall but the rebound that counts. Healing consists of catching myself and trying over and over and over again, sometimes as many as 50 times a day. It’s the journey and effort that matter in recovery, not a perfect score card.

Lessons of a relapse

Relapses teach us invaluable lessons if we are open to learning. For example, before my experiment, I regarded my decision to stop drinking much like I did eliminating gluten and sugar from my diet. My relapse demonstrated the seriousness of addiction, that sobriety is a life-saving action, not a healthy choice. Abstaining from a cocktail isn’t in the same category as foregoing a brownie or piece of bread. For addicts, alcohol hijacks your brain, whispering false promises in your ears. If you’re not careful, the self-destruction can erode all aspects of your life.

My relapse also taught me that abstinence isn’t about willpower and discipline. It has nothing to do with personal character or emotional resilience. Recovery is about humility, about admitting powerlessness and relying on other people and a higher power for strength and guidance. The healing power is found in the shared experience of others, in tapping into a community of support.

The pain underneath the addiction

I dare say that my relapse was life-transforming in that it forced me to discover what was driving the addiction. I began intensive psychotherapy and probed more deeply into every aspect of my life, asking the question, What’s going on here? My soul-searching efforts resulted in a stronger sense of self. As a result I can better identify the pain that makes me susceptible to addictive behavior.

I’m certainly not saying relapse is all good. Some people can’t get clean again after they start drinking or reengage in an addiction. It is a risk, for sure. However, if you are able to end your addiction and return to recovery, relapse can open the door to a better understanding of your addiction and, therefore, to a stronger recovery. I don’t believe you start over if you pick up a drink. I believe you pause and begin again with a new perspective.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-value-of-a-relapse/

Shame Part 4: I Deserve to Feel Bad, Because I am Bad: Shame-based Depression

In my previous blog posts, I discussed the difference between shame and guilt; both of which are painful, self-evaluative affects. Guilt involves the evaluation of a specific behavior and therefore, offers the opportunity for reparation. If Gary fails a test and feels guilty, he believes he can do things–like study harder–that will relieve some of his guilt. Even the thought that he is able to do something, alleviates some of the distress from his self-evaluation.

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If Gary perceives himself to be a loser who can never do anything right, then he is experiencing shame. Although shame can be transient, there are people whose experience of shame (shame-proneness) is pervasive; meaning that at the very core of their sense of self is the feeling of being small, insignificant and/or bad.

In my most recent blog post in this series, I discussed how shame-proneness compromised empathy, causing conflict and turmoil in relationships. Another lasting and painful consequence of unresolved shame is shame-based depression.

Depression is at best, an umbrella concept, not easily understood or reducible to a diagnostic label. Just because people share symptoms does not mean the cause is the same. Think of all the different underlying reasons for a headache. If we are to hope for good psychotherapy outcomes, we need to understand the causes of the symptoms, not an easy endeavor with distress as broad as depression.

When depression is shame-based, it is not only the symptoms that debilitate, but also the ingrained belief that the person does not deserve to feel better. Because fundamentally they feel bad, small, unimportant, the suffering feels congruent. Relief feels foreign and undeserved. If the shame basis of the depression is left unidentified, improvement will be a tortuous, uphill battle for both you and your patient.

Take Madeline (an amalgam of patients suffering from shame-based depression), for example. She’s a 39-year-old woman who came in for depression and reported a lifelong history of related symptoms. She described apathy, anhedonia, problems with motivation and concentration, appetite and sleep disturbances as well as feelings of worthlessness. As the therapy progressed over the first year, it became clear that Madeline experienced deep-rooted and chronic shame.

She regarded herself as unintelligent, unattractive and uninteresting. In response to these feelings, she developed grandiose aspirations to compensate for her supposed deficiencies that no one could ever live up to. Consequently, she experienced continuous and inevitable failures which confirmed and perpetuated her shame-narrative.

“I’ll never be intelligent. Everyone knows more than me,” she said, averting my gaze.

“Can you tell me more about that?”

“I need to read every single book on a particular topic before I’ll feel knowledgeable enough to have a conversation about it.”

“Does that seem a realistic endeavor?”

“I have to. It’s the only way I’ll feel smart enough,” she said flatly, fighting a frown.

“I worry that you are setting yourself up to fail by having expectations that are impossible to reach.”

“I never meet any of my goals, anyway.” She crossed her arms.

“You’ll never find a feeling of accomplishment or meaning if you keep setting insurmountable goals. I’d like to understand why you’re doing that. What would happen if we worked together to set realistic goals, things you can accomplish?”

“Well, then I might feel better.” She released a sarcastic laugh. “I wish that was a joke. I don’t feel like I deserve to feel better.”

“Tell me more about that.”

“No one ever supported me or any of my interests. I was told I wasn’t good enough. And it’s the truth, isn’t it? Look at my life. I’ve done nothing to be proud of. Failed at everything I ever tried or ever wanted.”

After I better understood her shame, I realized that despite our seemingly strong relationship, Madeline continually undermined the therapeutic process. Every time she started to feel better, she’d set these impossible standards, which ultimately confirmed her feelings of not being good enough, of being a failure. Of not deserving any relief.

Madeline knew nothing but her depression. She held onto it as if without it she would descend into an unfathomable void without it. When patients have a history of emotional abuse, as she did, where disparaging statements are woven through the fabric of their identity, the depression is often shame-based. And the treatment is extremely challenging. We have to help our patients to find ways to question, then challenge and finally close the book on their shame-narrative.

To some degree, all depressions contain an element of shame. But in Madeline’s case, it was pervasive, evolving more like a personality trait than a cluster of symptoms, making it harder to treat. Her shame caused her to perpetuate her own distress.

I combined humanistic, psychodynamic and cognitive-behavior therapy for Madeline. Psychodynamic, to help her understand how the shame evolved through her childhood experiences of emotional abuse; humanistic to focus on helping her identify and foster the many strengths she did have and to help her find meaningful pursuits where she could feel her endowments; cognitive-behavioral to help her with her thought distortions. I had her keep a journal of the false narratives. Every time she had an experience that disconfirmed them, I had her write it down. For example, she thought no one liked her and as a result, she was socially isolated. Every interaction where someone complimented her or showed interest in her, every time someone asked her for advice, she wrote it down. This was to reinforce different statements about who she was.

The more Madeline discovered her unique strengths and used them and felt them, the better she became at recognizing the falseness of her narratives. And the more she understood the distortions, the better she became at pursuing goals that were attainable.

I also did some psychoeducation in the second year of our treatment. I explained the shame and tried to help her understand her depression. Madeline had become curious and open and was able to introspect even in areas that were very painful.

Madeline developed an observing ego. She became more cognizant of her distortions and began to question their validity. In order to help patients recognize their shame, we need to listen closely to these narratives. We need to identify the shame. And then, we can adjust our therapeutic techniques to meet our client’s unique needs. We need to believe they deserve to get better and can get better, even when they are undermining every step of the process. But for the deepest and most lasting change to occur, they need to believe in a narrative free of shame.  

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/shame-part-4-i-deserve-to-feel-bad-because-i-am-bad-shame-based-depression

8 Ways to Feel Delighted Even in the Dead of Winter

The holidays are over, which for some of us is a huge relief, but for others is disappointing and depressing. It also doesn’t help that many of us live in places where darkness descends in the late afternoon, and the temperatures are bone chilling (no matter how many layers we layer!). Which leads us to spend less time outside, and less time with others.

All of this makes it tough to feel genuine joy and delight. It can be a gloomy time of year, and gloomy is exactly how we feel.

During winter, clients regularly tell therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson that they feel alone and tired. All. The. Time. They share that when they’re done with work, all they yearn to do is lay down on the couch and stay there.

Wintertime also is a season of slow. And once we slow down, we might “find we don’t feel so good,” said Thompson, LMFT, a holistic psychotherapist who specializes in seeing adult women and couples in their 20s and 30s in New York City. “We may tap into our feelings and realize how depleted we are.”

Brandice Schnabel’s clients feel like they haven’t had a chance to process what happened in December (namely complex family dynamics), and yet they’ve been catapulted into the land of new year’s resolutions and transformations. Schnabel, LISW-S, is a psychotherapist and founder of Sky Witness Healing Arts, a private practice in North Canton, Ohio, that provides counseling from a clinical and/or shamanic perspective based on each client’s needs.

But winter doesn’t have to feel awful—at least not completely. In fact, it can feel joyful. Yes, joyful. Here’s how.

Connect to winter’s coziness. “There is a joy and delight in recognizing that there is a season for everything, including the [season] to retreat from the elements, and seek comfort and coziness,” said Simon Niblock, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Austin, Texas, dedicated to helping men and their partners overcome some of life’s more challenging experiences.

He noted that the Danish have a word for this: Hygge. “It means to connect with the quality of coziness and comfortable friendliness that begets a feeling of contentment or well-being.”

For instance, this might mean savoring a hot cup of cocoa and wearing fluffy socks, said Niblock, founder of Man Up Therapy, a therapeutic service assisting men in overcoming the stigma of seeking mental health services. It might mean creating a warm, soothing environment at home with candles; soft, flannel sheets; and heavy throw blankets.

Similarly, Thompson suggested focusing on the lighting in your home: Build a fire, buy a new lamp, string some Christmas lights, or try a diffuser with essential oils and multicolor changing lights.

Extend warmth to others. “The other practice of Hygge, is to recognize the significance of extending that extra warmth to others when interacting with them,” Niblock said. This might mean smiling more or initiating more open, compassionate conversations, he said. What does extending warmth to others look like for you? How would you like others to approach you with compassion? Can you do the same?

Schedule excitement. Thompson suggested scheduling in activities that you feel excited about—anything from dinner with friends to a weekend getaway (maybe somewhere warm). “Making plans gives us something to look forward to and elevates our mood,” she said. What exciting, interesting, entertaining activity can you put on your schedule this week?

Start a few creative projects. Think about creative projects that would be fun to do, whether inside or outside. For instance, Schnabel suggested “small needlework or yarnwork projects, [coloring books], Zentangles, cooking experiments [and] homemade cards.” She also suggested trying a 30-day creative challenge on Instagram.

“If you have no idea what sparks your creativity, try doing The Artist’s Way,” she said. “Morning pages, artist dates, and the weekly homework are all really rewarding ways to give yourself permission to find joy in creating purely for creation’s sake.”

If you’re pressed for time, you can still connect to your creativity. All you need is a single minute, and you can play with all kinds of prompts, such as: Write several sentences using only words that start with these letters: N, U, I; and “Shhh, listen! There’s an everyday noise you can hear right now that’s part of a top-secret government experiment. What is the noise, and what experiment are they conducting?” (More prompts here.)

Embrace nature. Focus on the childlike fun and fierce beauty of winter, and head outside—even if it’s for 10 minutes. “Play in the snow, take a walk and look up at the bare branches, notice the bird nests that we usually can’t see through the tree foliage,” Schnabel said.

Pay attention to the morning and evening sky. What do you notice? Taste the snow on your tongue. Think about what you can appreciate about this season. Maybe snap a photo or two.

“Let the chilly air clear the mind and awaken whatever we need from within,” Schnabel added.

Move your body in genuinely enjoyable ways. Moving our bodies can boost our mood and alleviate our anxiety. The key is to engage in physical activities that you actually enjoy. For instance, some of Thompson’s clients love taking yoga, Pilates or dance classes for the camaraderie. Others love taking walks. You might prefer to dance, stretch or practice yoga at home.

Turn to inspiring reads. At least once every winter Schnabel reads The Faithful Gardener by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. She also plans to dive into Mary Oliver’s poetry “as my indoor option for exploring both nature and perfectly crafted parallels between the world around us and human nature. Oliver is a treasure during any season.”

Another option is to start or join a book club. For example, Schnabel helps to organize and participates in an annual reading challenge on Facebook called Band of Readers. Modern Mrs. Darcy offers a book club with a private forum and monthly video chats.

Celebrate. Schnabel believes that there’s a great opportunity for joy and delight when we realize that we survived the holiday season, and can now sink into what wintertime is truly meant for—such as rest and reflection.

Part of this process includes celebration. “I always celebrate however I have managed to navigate the tricky month of December and consciously relish January’s reprieve from those pressures,” Schnabel said.

“Each year we’re learning more and even if we didn’t escape December unscathed, we likely rocked it harder than last year and will have more experience under our belts for handling next year. Celebrate some part of that.”

Wintertime can be a difficult season for a variety of reasons. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings about it. And if you can also embrace and settle into the inherent quiet, coziness and slower pace, you just might discover some delight, as well.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-ways-to-feel-delighted-even-in-the-dead-of-winter/

Best of Our Blogs: January 29, 2019

By now you’ve probably heard of ACEs or Adverse Childhood Experiences. If you haven’t, there are studies on how negative childhood experiences can increase the likelihood of chronic health conditions and risky behavior. Fortunately social support, good childcare and parenting programs can give kids a better start and prevent problems in the future.

But what if you’re an adult dealing with your traumatic childhood now? All is not lost.

Many people have overcome a difficult past and even used the experience to impact others in a positive way. The main things to know is you can’t do it alone, that self-compassion is imperative and therapy can help you process feelings of anger, and grief and help you cope.

11 Manipulative Ways Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Sabotage Their Victims (Part 1)
(Recovering from a Narcissist) – Here’s how to untangle the web of manipulation weaved by a narcissist and other toxic people in your life.

3 Ways Childhood Emotional Neglect Sets You Up For Adult Emotional Neglect
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – You survived emotional neglect as a child, but here’s how it still affecting you.

What’s in a Word: Asperger’s and Hate Groups, or the Cassandras
(Unapologetically Aspie) – These communities spew untruths about people with autism and Asperger’s, and that includes kids.

Too Smart To Have Asperger’s?
(Divergent Thinkers Asperger’s, NLD & More) – It’s all the ways we misinterpret, and misunderstand Asperger’s.

How Not to Say, “I’m Sorry”
(The Exhausted Woman) – You can do more harm than good if you say sorry this way.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-january-29-2019/