6 Clear Signs You’re in the Right Relationship

This is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

Is he the one? What if he’s not? Are you constantly wondering, “Does he like me enough to want to be with me for the rest of our lives?”

Finding a long-term partner is the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. It’s actually a good thing to question it. Learning how to know if he’s the one allows you to look at your relationship in a new light.

After all, you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with this person. So, you want to get this right, even with the best of efforts, it can go wrong.

To know if he’s the one, there are 6 things in your relationship you need to look at.

1. You Still Have a Strong Attraction.

You are attracted to what you are used to and this can be a good or a bad thing.

Falling in love is a wonderful feeling. At the beginning of every relationship, everything is new and fresh. A new face, new voice, new body, and, of course, new sexual energy. The mystery is there. You are excited to see your partner. You wonder what he will wear. Although, this is a fun and exciting stage this is where many people make mistakes. It’s easy to fall in love with love, rather than in love with the person.

You may fall in love with someone who makes you feel safe. You may fall in love with someone who is emotionally distant. This is because there is something in your past that is familiar.

This is where you need to be careful. If your father wasn’t emotionally available, you may be attracted to this man for all the wrong reasons. You may also feel lonely and are just trying to fill a void.

The sex is amazing, this can give you a skewed vision of the person. Although, chemistry and sex are important in a relationship. It’s important that it doesn’t cloud who the real person is, and why you are in the relationship.

Once the newness of the relationship fades off, are you still interested in your partner, sexually? Meaning, you still are attracted to him? Or, did you just rush into the physical stuff?

Sad Signs You’re Not Giving Your Partner What They Need (& How to Give It to Them)

2. Your Personalities Fit.

Just as personalities can blend together well, they can also clash. Even when the sex is great, you can still not get along. Sometimes, two extroverts can actually clash. Just as two introverts can clash. What does this mean?

There is no balance in the relationship. What’s important is that you compliment your partner.

At the end of the day, you can say, “He grounds me” or “He helps me get out more.” Both, are actually very important. Have you ever met someone who is always doing something? It can be draining. Even the person who is always doing something can feel drained.

So, if you are a calming person that enjoys a night in now and then, you could actually compliment that person. The key is that they need to be ready for it.

We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. No one likes to have their weaknesses thrown in their face. So, if you are a balanced person you can bring that to the relationship.

3. You Accept Each Other’s Quirks.

Everyone has issues. This means that you do, too.

When you are in a relationship you enter the intimacy zone. That is good news, but it’s also bad news. What does that mean? When you enter the intimacy zone, there is no one who gets you like your partner. But, it also means there is no one who can hurt you like your partner.

So, what does it mean to have a good relationship? It means that neither person is perfect. If your partner expects you to be perfect, then he is not the one for you.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Decide Your Significant Other Is a Keeper

4. You Agree On Money.

Money is one of the biggest stressors in a marriage. This is something that you need to talk about openly and be transparent about. Meaning both people need to know what is coming in and what is going out.

If you don’t have children, have you talked about what you will do when you have children? Will one person stay home? If not, will the child go to daycare or have a nanny?

The subject of money creates anxiety. It’s important to talk about the meaning of it. The sooner you talk about it the better. It can prevent some nasty arguments later in the relationship.

5. You Get Along with Each Other’s Family.

Get to know your partner’s family. This will tell you a lot about your partner.

I have worked with couples for nearly 10 years. I don’t think I have ever come across a couple that didn’t report some type of problem with the in-laws.

This doesn’t mean you have to leave your partner if you have problems with the in-laws. But, it will help give you a better understanding of your partner.

So, if your partner comes from an unhealthy family, does that mean he is not the one? Not necessarily.

What’s important is how they have dealt with the wounds from the past. How do they see their parents’ relationship? This is a time where individual therapy is important. If he hasn’t processed the past, then he will bring it to the relationship. And, chances are, he will take it out on you.

6. You Can Manage Conflict.

Conflict happens, even in the best of marriages. What’s important is how you manage the conflict. Meaning, you need to repair the conflict. If you don’t, then the conflict isn’t over. Meaning it is right there in the middle of the relationship.

Also, what is your conflict style? Are you conflict avoidant or are you emotionally explosive? Then, how do you repair? Do you have a resting period? Are you able to talk about it again, or do you just ignore it as if nothing happened?

This is where a therapist can be helpful. Learning how to manage conflict is one of the most important things in a relationship. If you don’t, you will grow apart from one another.

I understand why you are questioning if he’s the one. Studies have found that nearly 50 percent of relationships end in divorce. But, if you learn how to build understanding in the relationship, you won’t become a statistic.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 6 Ways To Know, Without A Doubt, That He Is The One.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-clear-signs-youre-in-the-right-relationship/

Thinking About Getting Marriage Counseling?

Marriage researcher John Gottman, PhD, found that unhappy couples take an average of over six years before seeking professional help. “And that’s a crying shame,” says relationship therapist Linda Bloom, LCSW, because skilled, experienced counselors and relationship workshops are so widely available.

Linda and her husband Charlie Bloom, MSW, both marriage counselors, have co-authored four books about marriage and relationships. They lead couples workshops around the world. In this video, they shed light on why couples stay in denial for so long. 

Denial of Problems Maintains Them

As a marriage counselor myself, I see how couples’ denial of their need for help can cause them to struggle for much too long before they’ll contact a professional. Neuroscience explains how patterns of relating — for better or for worse — become entrenched in our brain’s circuity over time. So, longstanding bad habits are much more difficult to change than newer ones. This is why it’s important to notice pretty quickly when we’ve not been able to resolve a frustrating relationship issue on our own.

When one partner wants counseling and the other refuses, they may become resigned to living together unhappily, thinking this is as good as it can get. Or they might separate in order to escape the ongoing pain caused by a lack of knowledge about how to manage their differences.

A great agreement for couples to make early on is that if either one of them wants marriage (or relationship) counseling, the other will agree to go. Such an understanding can save many marriages.

When a couple whose relationship has been hurtful for both partners for 10, 20 or more years comes in for counseling, it typically will take more than a few sessions for their relationship to improve significantly.

Success Comes Sooner for Proactive Couples

When an engaged or recently married couple decides to see me, I’m happy. They’re being proactive, so change for the good will probably happen soon. They’re not likely to be entrenched in negative communication patterns. Like a young child who absorbs a new language easily, a “newish” couple will learn healthy ways to relate much more quickly than one who’s been locked into dysfunctional patterns for some time. 

For example, Francine and Tyler, both in their early fifties came to see me after becoming engaged. This was a second marriage for both. They were clearly excited about having found each other and seemed well-matched. But they recognized some problematic communication: Instead of asking Tyler for what she wanted, Francine would either criticize him for not doing it or sulk. Tyler would become upset and withdraw, which left Francine feeling abandoned.

After just three weekly sessions, they were basically done, but they wanted to come back a month later just to make sure they were still applying what they’d learned. Francine was a quick learner. She reported that she would catch herself promptly now. She’d turn a complaint that was about to come out of her mouth into a wish that she would share with Tyler. During their last session, he complimented her and said he was impressed by how quickly she’d made the change, which made such a positive difference in their relationship.

Counseling Helps Couples with Longstanding Issues Too

I’m glad to help couples with longstanding issues too, though it tends to take them more time to make important improvements. Typically, their negative habits are firmly entrenched. So, they’re likely to take longer to feel comfortable applying much what they learn in counseling sessions into their daily lives. Communication skills that are explained and demonstrated during their sessions can feel quite foreign to them. They may not do “homework” assignments that they’ve agreed to, exercises which could speed up their progress, because it feels too hard for them to go against the grain.

On the other hand, the engaged couple, Francine and Tyler, who’d known each other for less than a year, came in with a relatively blank slate. They liked the idea of weekly marriage meetings and began holding them on their own after I coached them through the meeting’s agenda and communication skills during their first session. 

Why Couples Wait So Long to Seek Help

So, why do so many couples wait so long before getting help? Denial that a problem exists is fed by a culture that elevates the idea of independence and devalues dependence. As Charlie Bloom notes, they don’t want to think, “I’m a loser.” It takes grit and courage to overcome this cultural influence.

Another common reason for resisting couples counseling is that one partner fears being criticized by the other, or by the counselor or therapist. A skilled, counselor is not judgmental, stays neutral, and actively strives to keep the focus positive.

Also, a drawback for some is the perception that counseling will be expensive. They may think that they’ll be roped into coming for weekly sessions for a very long time. Yet people who reach out for help early, as the above example shows, can often get what they need within a few sessions.

Good marriage counselors are glad to work with couples for as long as it takes for their clients to accomplish their goals. Still, seeing success happen quickly is immensely satisfying. We want to be out of a job.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/thinking-about-getting-marriage-counseling/

Medications That Can Cause Depression

There is nothing more frustrating than when the cure is part of the problem. Because depression is prevalent in patients with physical disorders like cancer, stroke, and heart disease, medications often interact with each other, complicating treatment. To appropriately manage depression, you and your physician need to evaluate all medications involved and make sure they aren’t cancelling each other out.

A review in the journal Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience a while back highlighted certain medications that can cause depression. The following are medications to watch out for.

Medications to Treat Seizures and Parkinson’s Disease

Many anticonvulsants have been linked with depression, but three medications — barbiturates, vigabatrin, and topiramate — are especially guilty. Because they work on the GABA neurotransmitter system, they tend to produce fatigue, sedation, and depressed moods. Other anticonvulsants, including tiagabine, zonisamide, levetiracetam, and felbamate have been associated in placebo-controlled trials with depressive symptoms in patients. Patients at high risk for depression should be monitored closely when prescribed barbiturates, vigabatrin, or topiramate. When treating Parkinson’s disease, caution should be taken when using levodopa or amantadine, as they may increase depressive symptoms.

Medications to Treat Migraines

In migraine patients at risk for depression, topiramate and flunarizine should be avoided when possible. A better option is acute treatment with serotonin agonists and prophylactic treatment with TCAs, as those medications could simultaneously address symptoms of both depression and migraine headaches.

Certain headache medications like Excedrin that list caffeine as an ingredient can also worsen anxiety.

Heart Medications

The link between blood pressure medications and depression has been well established. By affecting the central nervous system, methyldopa, clonidine, and reserpine may aggravate or even cause depression. Beta-blockers like atenolol and propranolol may also have depression side effects.

Although low cholesterol has been associated with depression and suicide, there is no clear link between depression and lipid-lowering agents.

Antibiotic and Cold Medications

Although most antibiotics used to treat infections are unlikely to cause depression, there have been some cases in which they induce symptoms. Anti-infective agents, such as cycloserine, ethionamide, metronidazole, and quinolones, have been linked to depression.

Over-the-counter cold medications like Sudafed that contain the decongestant pseudo-ephedrine can contribute to anxiety.

Antidepressants and Anti-Anxiety Medication

Sometimes medications to treat depression and anxiety can have a reverse effect, especially in the first few weeks of treatment. There have been reports of Lexapro, for example, worsening anxiety, however it usually subsides after the first few weeks. Anecdotal evidence suggests that Wellbutrin may also cause anxiety.

Cancer Medications

Approximately 10 to 25 percent of cancer patients develop significant depressive symptoms, however, given that so many medications are involved in treating cancer, it can been difficult to pinpoint the culprits. Vinca alkaloids (vincristine and vinblastine) inhibit the release of dopamine-ß-hyroxylase, and have been linked to irritability and depression. The cancer drugs procarbazine, cycloserine, and tamoxifen are also considered to induce depression.

One report cited depression in 16 percent of carmustine-treated patients, and 23 percent in those receiving busulfan when employed as part of the treatment for stem cell transplants. The antimetabolites pemetrexed and fludarabine have been reported to cause mood disturbances. Some hormonal agents to treat breast cancer have also been associated with depression, including tamoxifen and anastrozole. Finally, taxane drugs such as paclitaxel and docetaxel have been linked to depression.

Oral Contraceptives and Infertility Medications

Oral contraceptive medications have long been associated with depression. In a study published in the British Medical Journal, of the group of women taking oral contraceptives, 6.6 percent were more severely depressed than the control group. GnRH agonists (such as leuprolide and goserelin) can have depression side-effects in some people. In one study, 22 percent of leuprolide-treated patients and 54 percent of goserelin-treated patients suffered from significant depressive symptoms. Clomiphene citrate, a selective estrogen receptor modulator used to induce ovulation, has also been associated with depressed mood.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/medications-that-can-cause-depression/

Courage as a Teacher: 3 Steps to Take

One of the most simple yet effective ways of living a responsible life is to approach each day from the perspective of an unknown, future death point. We can do this by asking ourselves daily, “How shall I live this day so that I am at peace with myself when I am looking back from the point of my death?”

The inescapable reality of life is that none of us escapes it alive. But I do not see this as a reason to fret or bemoan past mistakes or worry about a future that is not guaranteed to any of us. Instead, I see this reality as an invitation to be courageous — to develop the ability and practice of living life according to one’s own values, vision, and choices until life comes to an end.

True courage cannot be taught or merely theoretically conceptualized; it must be practiced in our every day lives. As with most things, the more we practice, the more adept be become at living courageously by behaving in courageous ways.

It is precisely because our future is uncertain that we must not procrastinate the development of our courage muscles. If we seek to possess courage at those times when we will require it the most, we must start practicing now — and we must practice even in those times when we feel that we cannot. As the popular phrase goes, “feel the fear and do it anyway” (when the “doing” serves your values and vision, of course!).

You might be wondering how to go about practicing courage, how to begin this practice. At the risk of sounding facetious, I would simply submit that practicing courage boils down to being our best self — one day and one moment at a time.

If you’re still feeling unsure of what I am talking about, here are some examples of everyday courage. Remember, however, that courage is very personal and your acts of courage should reflect your best self — not someone else’s reality.

Examples of courage:

1. A person who disagrees out loud when gossiping is taking place or a racist joke is told.
2. A businessperson who admits his mistakes and refuses to compromise his ethics even when he faces financial loss and other potential consequences.
3. A personal who decides to leave an abusive relationship even though she is afraid about how to make ends meet to support herself and her children.
4. A physically handicapped child who goes to school every day even though he faces other children’s lack of understanding.
5. An individual from a minority group who does not allow ignorance or prejudice get in the way of her pursuing her dream.

In short, to be courageous is to be your best self. Note that this does not mean being your perfect self. Indeed, striving for the latter aim is antithetical to the former and often zaps courage at its root. Remember that human perfection does not exist and believing that it does is simply a set up for perpetual self-criticism and suffering.

As wonderfully imperfect human beings, then, it is helpful to have a concrete plan for activating our best selves. Here is a 3-step straightforward, yet highly effective tool to use anytime you find yourself stuck and in need of a small (or large!) dose of courage. It is known as the Triple A Technique:

1. Acknowledge

First, take an inventory of your external circumstances and internal state (your external and internal conditions). It is critical that you are as objective as possible and honest with yourself about whatever challenges or problems your dealing with and any feelings of fear or shame that might be causing you to deny or avoid facing your impasse.

2. Accept

Second, recognize the reality that you are facing right now. This process is often misunderstood. Remember that to accept something is not necessarily to like it, to agree with it, or to approve of it. For example, refusing to accept the reality of your emotional state of fear will probably only create more emotional “stuckness” since you will likely add shame and judgement to the existing fear. Thus, if we are to have any chance at changing something, we must first accept its exactly as it is.

3. Act

Finally, take action. The first two steps of this process undoubtedly require courage, but that courage is futile if it is not followed up by this last and more crucial step. Taking action involves acting on your present circumstances in an attempt to bring about the changes you desire.

Though most of us struggle with a lack of action towards our goals and best selves, it is important to remember that true courage is just as much about being cautious and realistic as it is about taking chances. After all, blind leaps into the unknown often cause us to swing back into states of paralysis in the face of any discomfort or dissatisfaction. Ultimately, then, to be courageous is to take care of ourselves inside and out.

• What is one dissatisfaction in your life right now that you might be able to apply the Triple A Technique to?
• What does “being your best self” mean to you? What does it look like in practice?
• What tends to get in the way of your ability to acknowledge, accept, and/or act?
• Have you known somebody who has faced the inevitability of death? What did this person teach you about courage?
• What are your fears related to your mortality? What is your greatest fear in this regard?
• What pieces of your personal history can you use to remind yourself about the importance of courage? What are your simplest reminders?
• What are some of the ways in which you have practiced courage in the past?
• In what one way would you like to show up courageously in your life right now?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/courage-as-a-teacher-3-steps-to-take/

What to Tell Yourself When You’re in Emotional Pain

You’re upset about losing a loved one. You’ve had a bad day. You lost out on a job opportunity. You had a falling out with a friend. You feel disconnected from your spouse. You got into an argument with your child. You’re going through something traumatic.

You’re going through some other challenging situation, and you’re in pain. You’re sad. You’re heartbroken. You’re weary or overwhelmed. You’re deeply disappointed.

When many of us are in emotional pain, we don’t exactly help the situation. Maybe we simply don’t know what to say because we’re used to ignoring and banishing our pain—and criticizing ourselves. 

As holistic mental health counselor Laura Torres, LPC, said, “So often with our words, thoughts, and actions, we are sending ourselves the message that this pain is not OK and needs to go away.” Maybe you turn to mindless scrolling to soothe the sadness. Maybe you drink a few glasses of wine to blunt the sharp pain. Maybe you tell yourself you shouldn’t feel this way, because you should be happy and grateful, and you should’ve been over it by now.

Maybe you tell yourself, I just can’t stop worrying about stupid things. Nothing ever works out for me. I don’t understand why I’m always in these situations. I’m too emotional and overreact to everything. I’m weak.

These are just some of the statements Renee Cage-Watson’s clients say to themselves. Cage-Watson, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and owner of Empowered by Courage Counseling in San Leandro, Calif., who works with children, adolescents, families, and adults.

“Paradoxically, what is most supportive is allowing our pain to be there and being with it—kind of like we might do for someone else,” said Torres, who has a private practice in Asheville, N.C. And paradoxically, once we acknowledge and accept the pain, it’s more likely to dissipate. Because it’s been acknowledged. Because it’s been heard.

But how do you actually support yourself when you’re in emotional pain? What does this look like?

The key resides in the way we talk to ourselves. Because the way we talk to ourselves can either prolong our suffering, or it can promote our healing.

Ingredients for Supportive Self-Talk

The first step is to actually be aware of how you’re talking to yourself, said Maegon Renee, a therapist and coach for empath entrepreneurs and founder of The Aligned Lifestyle Program. Because we tend to be on autopilot, many of us don’t even realize the number of negative things we say to ourselves on a regular basis, she said.

This is why Renee recommended keeping a log of events for about one or two weeks, along with your immediate response. Cage-Watson also has clients jot down two or three words about a situation, along with the self-critical words they said.

Both then suggest replacing these negative words with kind ones.

Torres believes that when we’re in pain, we need empathy, compassion, and reassurance that we’re OK even in the midst of our pain. She suggested using self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff’s 3-step framework:

• acknowledge that you’re going through a hard moment.
• recognize that your pain is part of being human, which reminds you that you’re not alone, and this is part of the journey.
• offer loving, kind, reassuring words.

In fact, Torres likes to imagine the words she would say to her son or her inner child, such as: “I’m right here with you, and I know it’s hard, but we’ll get through this together.”

Torres noted that when we’re in pain, a younger part of us is activated. (“According to internal family systems approach, we all have many different parts with different functions.”) Which is why it’s helpful to imagine what you’d say to a child, or to imagine what a nurturing figure in your life would say to you, she said.

Cage-Watson has her clients get curious about how they’re feeling, and explore questions such as: “Will this matter later on? What’s the worst thing that can happen? What’s likely to happen? Can I learn from this? What can I do to move me closer to solving the problem or achieving the goal? Is thinking this way helpful?”

Self-Compassionate Statements

Renee’s favorite self-compassionate statement is: “Emotions go in and out like the waves.” Because this reminds us that our uncomfortable feelings won’t last. Feelings are temporary, and their intensity shifts all the time.

Torres suggested telling ourselves these supportive words, noting, “I change pronouns from ‘I’ to ‘you,’ so people can play around with what type of self-talk they’re needing”:

This is really hard and I can get through this.

I’m stronger and more resilient than I know.

I am supported and even when I don’t feel this support from those around me, I am supported. (This is where connection with a higher power can be really beneficial.)

Everything is going to be OK, or things will get better.

I see you. Your feelings are valid and important.

I’m right here with you. and we’ll get through this together. (This would be more something you might say to a younger part or from a wiser/nurturing part to yourself.)

Cage-Watson noted that the below are her favorite statements:

I understand that every relationship starts within me. I have a wonderful, loving relationship with myself.

I deserve to be loved.

Today, I choose to focus on the things I can control.

I give myself permission to walk away from people and situations that no longer serve me.

I did not choose my trauma, but I am choosing how I recover from it.

I am capable of transforming negative experiences into something positive.

Even though I feel worthless, I am loved and worthy.

Jot down the statements that really resonate with you, and turn to them any time you’re feeling emotional pain and need support.

Cage-Watson believes that affirmations are the “cornerstone of well-being.” She and many of her clients use ThinkUp, an app that lets you record yourself saying different affirmations and listen to them.

When you’re in emotional pain, how you talk to yourself can make all the difference. It can either deepen and magnify your pain, or it can soothe it. Either option is up to us. 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-to-tell-yourself-when-youre-in-emotional-pain/

Psychology Around the Net: March 30, 2019

Do you struggle breaking the ice during social or networking situations? Are you interested in spring cleaning your energy this weekend? Have you had some negative mental health experiences with fitness apps?

We’ve got the latest on each of these and more in this week’s Psychology Around the Net!

Psychologists Agree: ‘Tell Me About Yourself’ Is the Only Icebreaker You’ll Ever Need: Talking to new people at a social function or networking event can be tough, especially for people with social anxiety. How do you get their attention? How do you start talking to them? How do you break the ice? Psychologists say the best way to do all that is with four simple words: tell me about yourself. Personally, I kind of freeze up and experience more anxiety when people ask me to tell them about myself (OMG what do I say?!), but here are six tips to help us all navigate the “tell me about yourself” process from start to finish.

Air Pollution Tied to Mental Health Issues in Teenagers: A recent study involving more than 2,000 British teenagers whose health researchers followed from birth until they turned 18 years old has associated urban air pollution with an increased risk for psychotic experiences. According to the study, almost a third of the participants reported they had experienced at least one psychotic experience, ranging from mild paranoia to a more severe psychotic symptom, since the age of 12.

9 Ways to ‘Spring Clean’ Your Energy: Entertaining “blah” thoughts, cluttered and dusty personal space, losing motivation to keep up healthy routines — you have to admit, these and others are ways your energy can get junked up during the dark winter months. Now that spring is here, let’s look at some of the ways you can clean that energy up.

These ‘Wear Your Meds’ Buttons Tackle the Stigma of Taking Mental Illness Drugs: Have y’all heard of the #WearYourMeds movement started by Lauren Weiss? Essentially, you wear a button (or buttons, depending) that depicts the mental health medication you take (alternatively, you can purchase a button that reads “Wear Your Meds”) as a way to, ideally, act as a conversation starter to promote mental health awareness. Although it’s not affiliated with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), all proceeds do go to NAMI. Thoughts?

Sports Psychologists Say Running Apps May Be Damaging Your Health: My knee-jerk reaction to this title was, “What?! I love my C25K app!” After reading the article, I realized the professionals make some good points. Sports psychologists Dr. Andrew Wood and Dr. Martin Turner believe fitness apps (and running apps in particular), which generally are designed to help us meet certain fitness or training goals, could do us more harm than good by contributing to an unhealthy relationship with exercise (and our need for social media validation).

Pope Francis Wants Psychological Testing to Prevent Problem Priests. But Can It Really Do That? ICYMI: The Catholic Church is dealing with one sexual abuse scandal after another lately. Now, Pope Francis has announced a policy he wants to implement worldwide — one that would, ideally, prevent any man from becoming a priest if he can’t pass a psychological evaluation proving he’s suited to a life of chastity. However, scholars, researchers, and even others in the Church are questioning whether or not this is actually possible.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-around-the-net-march-30-2019/

In the Age of Politics: 3 Big Communication Tips to Keep the Peace

In today’s controversial political climate, discussions can be a tad tricky to navigate. On the one hand, people want to bring awareness to various issues and vent about their frustrations. However, once the line is crossed, once a “friendly debate” turns into a downright spiral — insults and all — relationships can be strained, to say the least.

I’ve seen family members bicker to the point where voices are raised and feelings are hurt. I’ve seen awful rhetoric on Facebook that results in broken friendships and blocked users. And I know there’s passion behind beliefs and ideas, but I can’t help but think that this passion can be expressed in a more productive and effective way. (Especially online, where tone can’t be deciphered and facial expressions, along with other nonverbal cues, are absent.)

And here’s the thing: if the relationship truly can’t be the same after a political discussion, I suppose that’s for the two parties to decide on their own. That’s their prerogative. However, effective communication can actually help relay thoughts, feelings and perspectives without someone hurling zingers about someone’s character — without someone ending up in tears.

I conjured up three big communication tips that could help preserve the peace in tense political discussions.

Be Open-Minded

Alternate viewpoints will most likely be expressed in political conversations and other perspectives will be shared. Staying open-minded, even if you still stand by your point, can only be beneficial in this kind of conversation. Instead of completely shutting the other person down, listen to their thoughts and hear what they have to say.

Be Respectful

This suggestion may seem fairly obvious; we are taught at a young age to be respectful to our peers. However, I know it’s sometimes difficult to reign in intense emotions, especially if you’re adamant about a particular subject matter.

Once impulsivity ignites and strong emotions continue to unravel, further and further, ugly remarks and personal insults can certainly ensue. Now this is what can truly end friendships and push people away, depending on the closeness of the bond (it’s probably easier to work out issues with those we have a genuine close or deep connection with). And even if the harsh words said are said out of anger, with no sincere meaning behind it, the exchange will still become hostile and messy to endure.

When respect shines forth, the conversation can be upheld in a more positive light.

Be Vulnerable

I think vulnerability is key when it comes to conversations of a sensitive nature. If you convey your feelings openly and honestly and allow yourself to be vulnerable with the other person, they will most likely have a greater understanding of where you’re coming from — even if they don’t share the same opinion. Sharing personal experiences with one another can also help foster understanding as well.

Clarify, Clarify, Clarify

Whether, you’re in the midst of a tense conversation or not, misunderstandings are so commonplace. But when you find yourself in a difficult conversation and your emotional state is already heightened, misunderstandings may stray the conversation into unnecessary territory and incite additional frustrations.

By clarifying and reiterating your point, misinterpretations of what’s truly being said can be thwarted. This Oprah.com article, which features insight from CNN commentators Margaret Hoover and John Avlon, relays some advice regarding how to express certain sentiments to avoid misunderstandings:

Paraphrase what the other person has just said to make sure you understand and that she feels heard. Don’t go further by suggesting implications of her view: “So you’re saying you wish Trump wouldn’t tweet so much, but he’s there to shake things up in Washington.”
Not…”So you’re saying the character of the president doesn’t matter.”

Ask questions to clarify, not to provoke “How did you come to believe that moving toward single-payer healthcare is best?”
Not…”How can you defend something as messed up as Obamacare?”

In these controversial political times, conversations may spark between individuals online or in person; these conversations can be between loved ones, friends, or acquaintances, but regardless of the relation, feelings are always at stake. By communicating effectively and encompassing an open-minded mentality, respect, vulnerability, and an inquisitive nature (for clarification), such discussions don’t have to strain relationships and result in hurt feelings.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/in-the-age-of-politics-3-big-communication-tips-to-keep-the-peace/

Why We Shouldn’t Be Afraid of Change

Most human beings loathe change. In a 2010 study conducted at the University of Arkansas, researchers led five experiments that demonstrated that people overwhelmingly found older objects or behaviors to be preferable to new ones, that longevity is a key factor, often unconsciously, when we evaluate the value of something.

“The length of time something has been established seems to serve as a cue to its goodness. The longer a policy, medical practice, painting, tree or consumer good was said to exist, the more favorably it was evaluated,” the researchers wrote in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, where the study was published.

How We Attach Ourselves to Things

Remember the protest of the American public when the New Coke came out?

Gizmodo contributor Andrew Tarantola explains the psychology of brands in his blog Why We Hate Change:

Once we form emotional connections with a brand, even if it’s as benign as associating it with “quality,” that brand can take on a life of its own… By projecting human traits and cultural ideals onto the brand, people form deeper emotional associations with the product, making them more likely to purchase it again.

Keep in mind we’re talking about a beverage.

What about relocating across the country, trying out a new profession, going back to school, sending a child off to college, or breaking up with a partner we’ve been with for years?

No wonder why our brains crave what is familiar, even if it’s not good for us.

Who Moved My Cheese?

Twelve years ago I participated in an outpatient depression program at Laurel Regional Hospital.

One day we watched the video “Who Moved My Cheese” based on the bestselling book by Spencer Johnson, M.D.

The story is about two mice, Sniff and Scurry, and two “Littlepeople,” Hem and Haw, who live in a maze of cheese stations, some filled with cheese and others empty. When Cheese Station C runs out of cheese, the two mice immediately search the maze for other cheese stations, while Hem and Haw overanalyze their situation, convinced that one day the old cheese will return to Station C if they keep on going there.

Haw eventually leaves Station C, realizing he’s going to starve if he doesn’t start looking for a new station. Along the way he writes messages on the wall like “Movement In A New Direction Helps You Find New Cheese” and “The Quicker You Let Go Of Old Cheese, The Sooner You Find New Cheese,” which serve to motivate him in his search for new cheese and to remind him that going back isn’t the solution; they are also markings for his buddy, Hem, should he decide to follow.

After a little while in the maze, Haw stumbles on a station with a few chunks of new cheese. Even though the types of cheese are strange-looking, like nothing he has ever seen before, he immediately devours them. He puts a few pieces in his pocket to take back to his buddy, Hem, who is still stuck in Station C.

As stubborn as he is starving, Hem turns down Haw’s offer of cheese.

“I want my own cheese back,” he says.

“Suit yourself,” Haw says, as he begins to let go of the past (good times at Station C) and adapt to the present. He inscribes the maze wall with more bits of wisdom, like “Noticing Small Changes Early Helps You Adapt To The Bigger Changes That Are To Come.”

Finally Haw discovers Cheese Station N, the tallest mound of cheese he had ever seen, where his mouse friends Sniff and Scurry welcome him and invite him to eat from the abundant supply. Their full bellies tell Haw that they have been there awhile.

On the largest wall of Cheese Station N, Haw draws a large piece of cheese around all the insights he has gained. They are:

1. Change Happens. They Keep Moving The Cheese.
2. Anticipate Change. Get Ready For The Cheese To Move.
3. Monitor Change. Smell The Cheese Often So You Know When It Is Getting Old.
4. Adapt To Change Quickly. The Quicker You Let Go Of Old Cheese, The Sooner You Can Enjoy New Cheese.
5. Change. Move With The Cheese.
6. Enjoy Change! Savor The Adventure And Enjoy The Taste of New Cheese!
7. Be Ready to Change Quickly And Enjoy It Again and Again. They Keep Moving the Cheese.

Don’t Be Hem

The story made a profound impact on me at the time since, like the mice and the little people, I felt lost in a maze, clinging to old patterns of thoughts and behaviors that were contributing to my depression. It felt scary to choose a different path because I had no way of knowing if it was going to lead to some good cheese, to moldy cheese, or to no cheese at all.

I decided to take the risk, though.

I left the doctor I was working with, even though he was familiar and comfortable. I tried new treatments and different approaches to cognitive behavioral therapy. I tried to keep an open mind to various tools of recovery, even though some of it was overwhelming and confusing.

Right then and there I decided I didn’t want to be like Hem, letting stagnation and cowardice lead me to my demise.

The cheese moves everyday. Most of us are forced to make some kind of adjustment during each 24 hours.

We can resist.

Or we can keep moving with the cheese.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-we-shouldnt-be-afraid-of-change/

Depth

Elizabeth was a first-year college student who was finishing up a short period in psychotherapy subsequent to the breakup of a relationship with her boyfriend. In our final session, she expressed feeling good and looking forward to the future—but she also made a comment that caught me off guard. She said that she wished she knew how to be a “deep” person. Not knowing how to respond in the moment, I said something reassuring about being who she was, and that depth would take care of itself.

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Since that time, I have often thought about the concern she expressed and wondered if my response did her justice. What, exactly, had she meant by wanting to be a “deep” person, and had I, in effect, brushed it off?

Several years after working with Elizabeth, another situation emerged that appeared to be related. One of the students in my counseling lab was expressing confusion about a practice session with another student who had brought up an issue to talk about but had seemed unable to elaborate it in any meaningful way. “What do you do,” the student-counselor asked, “when the client can’t say anything more about their problem—when there’s just nothing more there?”

My response was immediate: “Oh, believe me, there’s always more there!” As an afterthought, I added, “You may never get to it, but there’s always more there!”

I was a little surprised by the emphatic certainty with which I uttered this comment, and I have thought about this, too, on several subsequent occasions. What made me so sure that there is “always more there”? It seemed that in the years since I had worked with Elizabeth, I had learned more about what “depth” is, and that I had learned it in a deeper way.

I’d worked with hundreds of patients since Elizabeth. I had seen case after case in which patients who had presented in a defensive or superficial manner in therapy had subsequently opened up to reveal poignant, sometimes moving, emotions underlying their problems. And on other occasions, I had seen patients who had persistently avoided opening up, but in ways that made clear why they could not afford to do so.

Ironically, as I have come to appreciate the meaning of depth, the field of psychotherapy has moved in the opposite direction. In some ways, the field has been a victim of its own success, as increasing demands for therapy and concerns about costs have led to the development of faster, more cost-effective, and more problem-focused approaches to treatment. These more structured approaches are often favored by third party payers and others concerned with the efficient use of resources. Unquestionably, these approaches can be more practical, more down-to-earth, and more immediately helpful to many patients with discrete and clearly defined problems; it might even be argued that they are more democratic and empowering, as they have removed much of the mystique that previously allowed some therapists to elevate themselves as shamanistic elites.

But I fear that the move we have witnessed in the clinical field toward more symptom-focused therapies also represents a retreat from the very real insights underlying the discoveries that are possible in psychotherapy. These insights include an appreciation of the complexity of the dynamics that underlie many forms of human suffering and the degree to which these dynamics sometimes involve co-optation of individuals by familial, social and institutional forces.

A few years ago, I discovered an example of the latter when I wrote a detailed critique of a videotaped therapy session conducted by Aaron Beck¹. Beck’s patient Mark was suffering from anxiety about his performance as a manager on his job. In the session, Beck used guided discovery to help Mark see that he suffers from “social anxiety,” that such anxiety is perfectly normal, and that it can be reduced by learning some simple techniques of self-acceptance and reassurance. A close review of the video, however, suggested that Beck’s focus on a pre-categorized symptom blinded him to some important underlying dynamics. The job in which Mark was experiencing so much anxiety was one in the clothing industry where he was caught in an inescapable conflict between his superiors, who were forcing him to set progressively lower piece-rates, and the workers, who were blaming him for the cuts in their pay. It seemed never to have occurred to Beck to ask Mark how he felt about the job itself. Instead, Beck repeatedly directed Mark’s attention away from the job and labeled his problem “social anxiety.” In doing so, Beck unwittingly aligned himself with Mark’s superiors and failed to explore his feelings about his role at work, the meaning and significance of these feelings, and what he might do about them.

Thus, while symptom-focused therapies can be genuinely empowering in some situations, cases like this suggest that they can also be disempowering if they fail to consider the personal histories and social forces that shape the symptoms that clients bring to the therapy. And more than this, they may leave the client alienated from his or her own internal experiences, values, and feelings—that is, from the underlying issues that led the client to seek psychotherapy in the first place.

The student-client who was unable to elaborate her problem in the counseling lab had not yet discovered some of the depth of her own internal life. Interestingly, I came to know this student quite well over the next few years as she learned more about herself. She worked in several stressful jobs, including doing manual labor and, later, human service work in a poorly governed agency that created more problems than it solved. The stress from these experiences led her to a time in therapy and a period of soul searching about her values and goals. Eventually, she decided to pursue a career in a health-related field with an emphasis on doing in-depth interview research. She had come to be a different person, and a deeper one, than the student I had originally known.

Returning now to my session with Elizabeth, I doubt that her wish to be “deep” indicated a
need to reopen her treatment. But if I had it to do over again, I would ask her more about what she had meant: Who were some of the “deep” people she was thinking about? What kinds of traits suggested depth to her? Had she ever experienced any of these traits in herself? Perhaps these questions would have led nowhere. But then again, they might have touched her in some way and given her something to think about in the future.

After all, there’s always more there.  

Resources

1 https://psycheandsense.com/empiricism-and-psychotherapy/

from http://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/depth

Best of Our Blogs: March 29, 2019

Earlier this week I asked you to write down all the courageous things you’ve done in your life. To end the week, focus on your super power strength.

We often compare ourselves with celebrities and the uber talented with their incomparable gifts.

You have a plethora of brag worthy strengths too. It might go unnoticed because spotting a narcissist, juggling parenthood and chronic illness, and surviving a difficult childhood may not be Instagrammable. But it’s still pretty amazing things that not everyone can do.

Whether it’s tackling your emotional wounds, bringing light to depression, blogging about your experience or finding ways to understand your loved one, I’d love to read your super hero strength in the comments below.

How Childhood Trauma Results in Depression and Unhappiness in Adulthood
(Psychology of Self) – You never seen depression in this light. Here are the unexpected signs and reasons why you’re depressed.

8 Tips for Healing Emotional Wounds
(Happily Imperfect) – If you need hope right now, this post will remind you that emotional healing is possible.

The Little Things That Can Get You Through Depression
(Tales of Manic Depression) – These surprisingly small things can bring light if you’re suffering through depression.

Explanations Aren’t Excuses: Understanding Asperger’s Thinking
(Divergent Thinkers, Asperger’s, NLD & More) – When misunderstanding happens, there’s hurt on both sides. This will give you insight into the way your loved one thinks.

3 Compassion Secrets for For Relationships That Last
(Conflict Without Casualties) – You want a better relationship? Here’s how to be a master at it.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/best-of-our-blogs-march-29-2019/

7 Common Mistakes Parents Make When Trying to Help Their Depressed Teen

Parenting is hard, and children don’t come with manuals. There are lots of moments where parents make mistakes while learning the job of parenting. Then, when you realize that your teen is depressed, it’s likely that you’ll make a few more of those parental mistakes again, despite your best intentions to help them.

Although experts say that teen depression is the most common mental illness among teens today, many parents are caught unawares. You might want to help your teen overcome the issues they’re struggling with, but some things you unwittingly do can end up hurting more than healing.

As you go about looking for ways to help your teen cope with depression, it’s important to remember that your presence, unconditional love, and support will do much more for them than giving advice or solutions.

Here are 7 of the most common mistakes you should avoid when dealing with your teen’s depression:

1. Assuming depression is just a case of teen angst.

The most common mistake most parents make is putting down their teen’s behavior to normal teen angst or moodiness. While it’s true that the changes and upheavals of adolescence often result in mood swings, there is a difference between teen angst and teen depression. It’s better to err on the side of caution and seek professional help if you’re unsure about what’s causing changes in your teen’s behavior.

2. Downplaying the issue.

Parents are also guilty of assuming their teen’s depression isn’t that much of a big deal. Saying things like, “It’s all in your head,” or “It’s not that serious,” only makes matters worse as your teen will take it as evidence that you don’t care about them. This downplaying, in turn, can cause them to withdraw, shut down and even become more depressed.

3. Being dismissive of how your teen feels.

Statements like “Life isn’t fair” or “Everyone has bad days” make you come across as dismissive and uncaring. Depressed teens already know that life isn’t fair, so there’s no need to point it out anyway.

Such statements also imply that depression is something that they can get over quickly and easily which couldn’t be further from the truth. If it were that easy, then depression wouldn’t be such an issue.

4. Waiting for your teen to open up.

Another common mistake parents make is waiting for their depressed teens to approach them. Some parents mistakenly assume that if their teens needed help, they’d reach out to them. The truth is that most depressed teens have no idea how to open up to anyone about what they’re going through.

To make matters worse, the illness often makes them think that no one cares or would believe them anyway. If you notice troubling signs of depression in your teen, it’s better to initiate the conversation about it yourself rather than wait for them to do it.

5. Nagging your teen.

On the opposite side of overly passive parents are those who end up nagging their kids to open up about their problems. While bringing up the subject with your teen is okay, don’t insist if they’re unwilling to talk about it.

Teens suffering from depression have a lot to deal with already and piling more pressure on them could push them over the edge. Instead, honor their right to feel their emotions — regardless of what they are — and be supportive and affirming. Let let them know you’re available to talk whenever they are ready.

6. Making it about yourself.

No one knows how to push their parent’s buttons better than teens. However, depressed teens aren’t trying to provoke or get a reaction from you. They’re not sulking or looking for attention, and they are definitely not out to put a damper on your mood. Implying any of these only shifts attention from your teen to you.

Furthermore, blaming a depressed teen for dragging you down or making you sad burdens them with additional baggage of guilt and shame for making you feel that way. Showing them love and support instead will do more to get them back on their feet.

7. Telling them to cheer up or shake it off.

Depressed people, not just teens, are used to being told to “cheer up”, “shake it off” or to “look on the bright side”. There are lots of things you can say to your depressed teen to help ease and lift their spirit, but these statements don’t make the cut. Your teen would no doubt love to see the positive side of life. However, depression is an insidious illness that robs people of joy and happiness. It’s not that they’re deliberately being sad; it’s just that they lack the capacity to focus on the joys and positives at the moment.

As the parent of a depressed teen, it’s best to accept that they are suffering from a mental illness. They didn’t get there overnight and won’t get out overnight either. It will take lots of time, patience and love on your part to encourage them to seek help and eventually get better.

References:

The Reality of Teen Depression – Infographic. Retrieved from https://www.liahonaacademy.com/the-reality-of-teen-depression-infographic.html

Serani, D. (2014). Is It Teen Angst or Depression? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201410/is-it-teen-angst-or-depression

Donvito, T. (n.d). 12 Ways to Help Someone with Depression, According to Psychologists. Reader’s Digest. Retrieved from https://www.rd.com/health/conditions/help-someone-with-depression/2/

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-common-mistakes-parents-make-when-trying-to-help-their-depressed-teen/

The Different Things You’re Doing That Steal Time—And How to Stop

Many of us lament that we don’t have time for the things we’d like to do—catch a movie on a weeknight, take a fun dance class on a Saturday, start a creative project, go for a run, read, take a weekend getaway.

But the reality is that many of us are doing things we don’t actually need to be doing. And when we eliminate those things, space suddenly opens up, and we naturally create more time.

According to time management expert and bestselling author Laura Vanderkam, knowing what to eliminate can be tricky because “a lot of things that waste time don’t necessarily look like wasting time.”

“Most of us understand that spending 3 hours reading snarky comments on Twitter is not advancing us toward our larger goals,” said Vanderkam, author of the new book Juliet’s School of Possibilities: A Little Story About the Power of Priorities.

But what about email?

“I’d argue that responding to everything quickly wastes tons of time….Being ‘on top’ of email, rather than checking it a handful of times per day, cuts out space for all kinds of other more important things.”

Technology also can steal our time in other ways. Social media is a tired—but true!—example. As professional speaker and time management coach Jones Loflin noted, “‘Who hasn’t thought, ‘I’ll just check my ______ (insert any social media feed) for a minute,’ and then spent at least 15-20 minutes getting lost in the lives of others?”

Similarly, trying to have complex or difficult conversations over text can be incredibly inefficient—and “exacerbate the situation, increasing the frustration of everyone involved,” said Loflin, author of the book Juggling Elephants: An Easier Way to Get Your Most Important Things Done–Now!

“More time is taken trying to explain the misunderstanding you created earlier when a simple phone call or face-to-face interaction could have handled the situation much more quickly… and effectively.”

Housework is another example of a potential time waster. As Vanderkam said, the problem is that housework expands to fill in whatever available space we have. In other words, we can easily clean the whole day, because there’s always something to wash, wipe, organize, and tidy.

This doesn’t mean living in filth, Vanderkam said. “Rather than constantly picking up, designate a short amount of time to get the most obvious things done. If it doesn’t happen then, it wasn’t that important.”

Overthinking and over-researching also waste time, said Tonya Dalton, a productivity expert and founder of inkWELL Press. We can do over-do big decisions—like starting a business—or small decisions—like what pants to buy, she said.

Relationships can make or shrink time. That is, “strong, healthy relationships with friends and family give us the much needed mental and emotional energy we need to tackle the difficult things in our life,” Loflin said. However, when we spend too much time with toxic people—who drain us—the opposite happens: We don’t have any energy for ourselves.

Ultimately, because everyone is different, what constitutes as a time waster will vary according to each person. Which is why we asked experts to share how each of us can identify whether we’re focusing on tasks we don’t even need to be doing.

Revise your stories. One of the reasons we spend a lot of our time doing things we don’t necessarily need to be doing is because we construct our identities around these activities, according to Vanderkam, host of the time management-focused podcast Before Breakfast. We create and cling to stories that keep us shackled to certain tasks.

That is, you think to yourself, I’m the kind of person who has a tidy, sparkling clean home. I’m the kind of person who gets back to someone right away. I’m the kind of person who’s always available to others.

If you find yourself doing something that takes a lot of time, or is causing resentment and frustration, Vanderkam suggested exploring why you’re doing it. “If your answer takes the form of ‘well, everyone knows you have to…’ or ‘you can’t just…,’ then push a little harder. Do you know this is true? Can you find a counter-example?”

You also can consider the worst thing that could happen if you spend less time on that activity. Is that worst-case scenario even likely to happen? “Maybe, but often not,” Vanderkam said.

Ellen Faye, COC®, CPO ®, a productivity leadership coach, suggested exploring these additional questions: “Would anyone notice if I didn’t do [this task]? Is there an easier way to do it? Can someone else do it?”

When we challenge our stories, Vanderkam noted that we can free up a whole lot of time. As she said, no one is coming to your house at 11 p.m. to make sure you picked up all the toys before going to bed. “So go ahead and read a novel and then go to sleep.” 

Focus on your feelings. Dalton stressed the importance of paying attention to your emotions and reactions after you complete certain activities.

She suggested asking yourself: “How do I feel when I’m finished with this activity? Do I feel happier and content, or do I feel frustrated and even irritable?”

Use tools to limit time. Use technology to your advantage. For instance, you can try the apps Moment and QualityTime “to monitor how long you are spending on different apps and even limit how many browser windows are open,” Dalton said.

As author Chris Bailey noted, we shouldn’t rely on self-control; rather, we should be strategic and intentional in creating a tangible plan that specifically targets common distractions that steal time—time that can be spent on meaningful activities.

Try the 80/20 rule. According to Faye, this rule entails getting 80 percent of the work done with 20 percent of the effort, and using 80 percent of your effort for the remaining 20 percent of work. She said it’s the same for time, because some tasks truly deserve excellence, while others are good with good enough.

“If my email responses were 100 percent excellent, I would do nothing else in my life but email. I make the 80 percent good and save a ton of time.” 

Assess your day as a whole. In the evenings, Dalton spends several minutes examining how she worked toward her goals and how she felt about the activities she did throughout the day (along with a focus on gratitude). (You can do the same with this 5-minute exercise.)

Similarly, Loflin suggested coming up with your own list of simple questions to guide your choices throughout the day, an idea inspired by Marshall Goldsmith’s book Triggers. (An example is: “Did I do my best to read 20 minutes today?” he said.)

“At the end of day, you rate yourself on how well you did, and reflect on the choices you made that helped or hindered your ability to do it.” This gives you the opportunity to make adjustments the next day to make that activity happen.

Re-evaluate routines regularly. “So much changes in life and we don’t stop to consider how this impacts our routines,” said Faye, past president of the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals.

For instance, for years, Faye did her meal planning and grocery shopping on Sundays. “If I didn’t plan what I was going to cook, and have those ingredients in the house, dinner time would be a total time suck.” After Faye’s now adult sons moved out, it took her several years to change this habit, even though it was no longer helpful. “I kept buying for four when there was only two of us, and I was wasting a lot of food. Now it’s a much less formal process, and it’s just fine.”

Using your time well doesn’t mean hustling and grinding and accounting for every single minute. Rather, it means filling your days with the activities that you want to do, with the activities that are meaningful and fun and inspiring and enjoyable to you. As Dalton said, “productivity isn’t about doing more; it’s doing what’s most important.”

And we’re able to do that when we stop doing the things we don’t really need to do.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-different-things-youre-doing-that-steal-time-and-how-to-stop/

Podcast: How to Reduce the Stress of Social Media

Social media sites have become a huge part of our lives, enabling us to easily stay in touch with countless friends and family members all over the world. But there’s a dark side to social media, as it also enables negative things like bullying to proliferate. Many people have found that social media creates a huge amount of anxiety in their lives, but don’t feel they can live without it. In this episode, learn some ways to reduce the anxieties associated with social media.

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About Our Guest

Dr. John Huber is the Chairman for Mainstream Mental Health, a non-profit organization that brings lasting and positive change to the lives of individuals that suffer from mental health issues. A mental health professional for over twenty years, Dr. Huber is a Clinical Forensic Psychologist, and he is a practitioner with privileges at two long term acute care hospitals. Dr. Huber has appeared on over three hundred top tier radio shows (NBC Radio, CBS, Fox News Radio) and thirty national television programs (ABC, NBC, Spectrum News). Dr. Huber is Law Newz’s go-to Clinical psychologist and appears regularly on America Trends National Television show. In addition, Dr. Huber is the host of “Mainstream Mental Health Radio,” which is heard nationwide and features interviews with today’s top mental health professionals.

SOCIAL MEDIA STRESS SHOW TRANSCRIPT

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator 1: Welcome to the Psych Central show, where each episode presents an in-depth look at issues from the field of psychology and mental health –  with host Gabe Howard and co-host Vincent M. Wales.

Gabe: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Show. My name is Gabe Howard, and I’m here with my fellow host Vincent M. Wales. And today Vince and I will be talking to Dr. John Huber, who is the chairman for Mainstream Mental Health, which is a nonprofit organization that brings lasting and positive change to the lives of individuals who suffer from mental health issues. Dr. Huber, welcome to the show.

Dr. Huber: Thank you for having me on the show, Gabe. I appreciate it.

Gabe: Well, we appreciate having you.

Dr. Huber: Vin, good to meet you today.

Vincent: Yeah, you too. So what exactly would you like to talk about today? We discussed this earlier and there was a lot of political stuff in our conversation. So what do you want to attack?

Dr. Huber: As a nonprofit, I don’t talk any particular side of politics. But one of the things that has struck us, is the anger that American now has towards somebody who does not think like I think.

Vincent: Yeah.

Dr. Huber: Whether you’re left wing, right wing, you know, anti-establishment, whatever, Green Party, if you don’t think like I do there’s just anger and vitriol.

Gabe: It’s actually a little worse than that. Because two people can think exactly the same way, but if they arrive at that thinking for different reasons. Like for example, a Democrat could own a business and believe in making profits. A Republican can own a business and believe in making profit. But those two, even though they’re both running businesses, and believe in making profit, will find a reason to argue.

Dr. Huber: Yes, yes.

Gabe: Even though they’re sharing the same goal.

Dr. Huber: Absolutely, absolutely.

Gabe: Yeah. Yeah. You making money is bad. My making money is pure. It’s, I could use that example, because, hey, we’re just going politics and money. Please nobody bring up religion. But you’re right, there’s a lot of this. What do you think is going on?

Dr. Huber: Well, I think one of the things is if you go back to early understanding of psychology and as you just said that you can talk to one person and a second person individually, and everything is fine. They’re making money, and we know that individuals tend to make very rational, logically based decisions. But when you start putting a group of people together, you start getting into group think, and you start making really dumb mistakes as a group. Whereas any individual in that group, alone by themselves, would have never done that. But when they start getting together, there’s something that happens that just turns that brain off or partially off, and they start feeding off each other emotionally, and not thinking rationally. And it doesn’t matter what party you’re on or what group you belong to. Groups do this. Groups of people do this. You know, they talked about, you know, I remember growing up they would say, “Oh, a duck bill platypus was an animal that a committee up in Heaven made. It wasn’t God, you know?

Gabe: Yes, yes.

Dr. Huber: Like, oh my goodness! And that’s what we see now. Think of that and how easily we are wound up and fed off that emotional energy right there in the middle of that group. Now, let’s go back and be an individual again. Only this time, I read about this new thing called Facebook, and this other great thing called Snapchat, and another thing called Instagram. I mean, there’s literally thousands of different social apps, communication apps, hookup sites, all those guys are all socially engineered, and you can be part of it. One of the beautiful things about all of that is you also have control of it. So you tend to start finding people who are like minded, and you let them post all that they want on your site. And you listen to all the stuff they have, but people disagree with you and you either block them, you unfriend them, give them a vacation where you don’t see their post but if you want to talk to them you go on and direct message. And you can message them any time, and they never know you’re not watching them. And so now you’ve created a virtual group think pattern.

Gabe: You’ve created an echo chamber. It’s just a bunch of people who think like you.

Dr. Huber: Exactly. But that’s group think. And now somebody comes out there, and there’s something that you find appalling. You’ve got to be the leader of that group, because you want to establish your hierarchy in that group. So you go out there and say, “Oh, that’s evil.” The person who said that, the misogynist or racist or whatever if you want to give them. And what happens is other people in your group want to do the same thing. So they take the next degree further, the next degree farther, and all they’ve really done though is read the headline. They didn’t actually go look at the meat of the story, which may not have even supported the headline at all. And it becomes this vicious cycle that feeds off each other.

Gabe: You know, it’s fascinating that you bring that up. You know, obviously, this is The Psych Central Show. It’s a podcast. And to be a podcast, it needs to have titles. We title all of our episodes.

Dr. Huber: Yes.

Gabe: And we promote heavily on social media, as does everybody. And we are shocked at the number of people who get angry at the show because of the headline, over a point that we made on the show! So, like, “I can’t believe that Gabe thinks this! Why would Gabe think this?” And in the show I said I don’t think this. They’ve just grabbed seven key words. And, c’mon people, it’s a 25 minute show! The interesting thing about what you said is when you said that we do this on social media, I thought no we don’t. We do this with our news as well. If you’re a conservative you watch Fox News.

Dr. Huber: Absolutely.

Gabe: If you’re a liberal you watch MSNBC. And then if you’re an extreme conservative you go one way and just on and on and on. We only want to see what we already believe.

Dr. Huber: Absolutely. That is the social media. The news has already been there. I mean, think back to the 90s. We were already doing that. But 2007 is when smartphones got released to the public. And we’ve only had those for 12 years, and that’s when all this violence and anger and immediate rage is kicked in. You know, another physiological thing that happens during that rage, is the fight or flight mechanism. You know, if you’re walking in the forest and you see the bear cub walk in front of you on your trail, and you look to your right and there’s momma bear, fight or flight kicks in. Blood goes to the extremities. Your respiratory goes up. All these things will help you either run or to fight your attacker. Well, one other thing that in the last three or four years we’ve actually been able to find out, is when that happens, your brain starts redirecting blood flow from your higher functioning areas like your frontal lobe, where you make all your rational decisions. And they close that area off and send that blood flow to the old part of your brain. In fact, it’s called the limbic system, and that’s where all your emotions are. So, all of sudden now, your emotions are being fed, and there’s nothing holding you back. No restraints, because the rational part of you is not working right now. So now, if you’re fighting, and you’re fighting for your life, and there’s no thought about consequences, because you’re just trying to get out of that situation. That’s a benefit for survival. But when you’re not really facing that bear, or that opponent on a battlefield, you’re facing your screen and somebody says something you don’t want, that exact same process happened. And now you’re not thinking very smart at all. You’re purely emotional, and you get yourself into trouble in those situations. And then we go back to the media. The news media that has figured out that we’ve divided everybody up. From the late 80s, early 90s, all the way through the aughts, they figured out that they can get more people to watch their show if they stick with that vitriol. If they stick with that hate, if they push that out there. Instead of saying, “Hey, this is what happened today in this courtroom. Here are the facts. You know? Make of it what you want to make up.” No, they have to go on and they have to actually make the news themselves and they put a spin on it. They don’t tell you all the story on the inside and push that emotion. And then you sit there and you watch their channel all day, or you go and upload the refresh on their web site every day. So you can get the next news from them because it’s so important because your nerves and your –

Gabe: Right.

Dr. Huber: And your emerging great sense of urgency because of your panic fight or flight mechanism going off. It’s telling you that you need to be there. It’s very, very difficult to overcome that.

Gabe: It’s sucked you right in.

Dr. Huber: It’s such a threat, in that websites need clickers. TV news needs to be watched, and print media needs to be downloaded.

Vincent: I don’t disagree with anything that you said. But one aspect to this that still sticks with me, which is that even though we’ve had this for quite a while, it seems to me that just in the past couple of years it has really accelerated. Is that just my own weird view or would you say that’s true?

Dr. Huber: I say it’s true. And if you think about it, go back to 2007, you know. And we had a little trickles of social media, and what has happened is it’s taken us a few years to catch up to the social media. And for the engineers who write the software to figure out how to capitalize on it in their advertising and their profit making. And that’s why in the last three to five years, where this is really just elevated. Because it has become such a science within that industry. Because they’re all fighting for half a cent per click here, and they need 15 million for it to make a profit. So, it’s very dog eat dog. And they’re not social scientists. They’re not our politicians, they’re not clergymen. They don’t care what they do to society and how they make people feel. They want to keep their doors open so they have a job tomorrow, and they’re very good at it. They just get better at it. And I think the last three or five men, they have honed their craft very well. We’re not at a point where we’ve learned to balance all this out. And go back to television, for example. You know, we had decades where we had three channels. And then we had some of the public broadcasting channel, but the local channel, and then we had some other UHF channels so now we have six or seven max channels that you have wherever you’re at in the United States. And then in the 70s, also you get a little bit of cable. Somehow you got 25 or 30 channels. And today we have 300 channels. So we had decades to adjust and to learn how to deal. Where we’ve had a decade to go from zero to 500 miles an hour, and we’re not we’re not able to manage yet. We’re having growing pains. We’re having a hard time dealing with this. I believe we’re resilient. I believe we will overcome it. I remember them telling us, you know, that Elvis had ruined American civilization. That we were no more, because he was gyrating on television. Well, we survived Elvis. We’re gonna survive this. It’s just gonna pass like a kidney stone.

Gabe: “Elvis the Pelvis.” I remember reading about that.

Dr. Huber: Yeah. It’s gonna pass like a kidney stone, but we’re gonna get through it.

Gabe: We’re gonna step away to hear from our sponsor, and we’ll be right back.

Narrator 2: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com, secure, convenient and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Vincent: Welcome back. You’re listening to the Psych Central Show with guest Dr. John Huber.

Gabe: So, we’ve established that this is happening. I think you’ve convinced me. Hopefully, our listeners are like, “Okay I get it.” We’re not attacking anybody, we’re just saying that the media tells us what we want to hear and they have just ample data to figure out what we want to hear. How do we get around it? How do we stop? How do we get to the Elvis part where we stop hating Elvis?

Dr. Huber: What I recommend we do is, first thing, I have a new clinic starting, that we started up. And when people check in, we put them in, we call it a “sober house,” even if they don’t have addiction problems. Because what we’re doing is we’re trying to kind of clean their head. A mental hygiene thing. There’s no TV in the place, no news. They’re allowed to have one hour a day for Internet to e-mail family and friends or Skype with their kids. That kind of stuff. But there’s no, absolutely no, social media while they’re in there. And the whole idea is, we want them for 30 days to get their selves, their psyche, back connected with the world. With themselves, with the present, with the ground. And we do their treatment. Pretty heavy, intensive treatment. And it’s amazing how much just pulling them away from all of that artificialness of the ether net, to get them refocused and moving forward, and we’re able to have a lot of success in those 30 days. Versus other programs that are 90 days or more. 120 days. It’s because we do that. And it’s hard, and they want to fight us on it. What we tell them to do after that is, when they go home, they have to give themselves a break every week. And I asked for one day a week if they’re going to do this. This is a commitment I want, where you get up that day, and there’s no social media. There’s no news, nothing, until you wake up the next morning. It is just being present in the world today and dealing with what’s there and that kind of recharges you. We know that the CDC has identified social media in excess of two hours a day as causal for depression. The cure? Take a week off. It’s amazing. In fact, this past summer, I cut mine out for eight weeks. And it was hard, man, because I make a living on that stuff. And I have people in my office who are in there, you know, doing this stuff for me and doing all that kind of stuff. Don’t worry we got you covered. I’m like, “Please tell me what’s going on!”  Nope, nope, the deal was you cut yourself off for eight weeks. After the second week, it wasn’t so bad. By the time it was over, I could care less. Absolutely I was. Whatever. Yeah. Oh, somebody’s birthday’s coming up. Cool. I don’t want to see their birthday cake and what they had for dinner. And it’s hard to do because it is a stimulus response feedback mechanism and it triggers off of dopamine. Very much like heroin does, very much like cocaine does, and it is very addictive but it doesn’t fulfill us emotionally like real face to face human contact. When we meet somebody, we have friends around, we shake hands, we’re in physical contact with those people. A lot of other hormones are released in your body, such as oxytocin which is a bonding hormone that starts that whole mechanism and it heals your immune centers and your body.

Vincent: Right.

Dr. Huber: To help you fight off infection and things like that. It’s amazing. But why do we do on the screen? We click that “like” button, and we get a response feedback. Thanks, you know? And all of a sudden, if we get a like, internally, that dopamine drips and we get fulfilled. Only, it’s a lot like drinking a diet soda. It tastes sweet. It fills up your stomach. But there’s absolutely no nutritional value in that at all. And you’re not getting the nutrition you need. And that’s what social media is and it’s problematic. It’s addicting. And it leads us down this faulty thinking, because we want to be quick to respond. We get more of an endorphin rush from it. We get more dopamine, I mean, the faster we are. And we take this microcosm of information, and we believe it is the world. And everybody around you feels like that. So you stand up on your box and you scream it out to the world. And bam! You do it on your Instagram. You do it on your Facebook. You do it on Snapchat and Twitter, and you get inundated with those group think people. They are telling you how amazing you are and I should have said at first. And we talked about this before yada, yada, yada. So now you’re really getting feedback, and you’re really getting that stimulus response endorphin rush from that dopamine.

Gabe: Yeah, it feels good but there’s no substance.

Vincent: You mentioned earlier, when you said that you were taking a break for quite a while, that you make your living through social media. I’m kind of in the same boat in that I promote things via social media a lot, too.

Dr. Huber: Right.

Vincent: But at the same time, I’m sick of social media. I used to go on Facebook like all day long, like a lot of people. And now I hardly ever look at it and I’m much happier for it. It makes it difficult for those of us who really do want to walk away from it when we’re pulled back by this need to market.

Dr. Huber: It is hard, and that’s why I’ve got people.

Gabe: But is that really where the average person is? I mean that’s special for us. But is the average listener of the show running a business on Facebook? Or are they doing what I did before I had a business? And are we liars? You know, I tell people that the reason that I have Facebook is because I run a business. But I can make my posts, I can automate it. I could use a service like Hootsuite, and never ever look at Facebook. So I’m just a straight up liar. I scroll through those timelines and comments just like everybody else.

Dr. Huber: But the thing is the research suggests that over the last three years the majority of people who are daily users of social media have lost three friends. Not three, seven friends. And the average American has 12 good friends, and you’ve lost more than half of those in those three years. The real life friends who if you’re sick, they’re gonna make you chicken soup. That’s a sad statement.

Gabe: How do they prove that?

Dr. Huber: So, there are mathematical models to show these. I know from my experience with people in my practice, when they’re at their worst they’re not having a good life. Whatever’s happened to them, it’s happened to them. And when I asked them how many friends they have, and they’re happy to say that they have, like, two really good friends. So glad to have them. So where’s this twelve coming from? You know, I sit down and look, I’ve got a handful of friends that I think that are like my true close friends. That I could tell anything to. And literally, they have done this before. You know, when something’s happened and the car has broke down or something got stolen, and all of a sudden one of them is flying in from Denver and they’re there. That’s the friend group. Now, we have the acquaintance group that we know these people, we care about them. We’ve met them ,and have dinner with them every once in a while. You know, that’s the other fifteen hundred people on my Facebook page. Not really. But probably 500 of them are people that I’ve had dinner or lunch with before. And that’s kind of cool. I think I’ve been asked this question before, so I actually went through the thirteen or fourteen hundred people on my Facebook, that I have right now after starting over. I was impressed by how many I actually, really, truly knew. But not necessarily who I would call like a bff, a true best friend.

Vincent: How do we stop this? How do we change?

Gabe: Other than just ignoring social media? Because it’s not realistic. It’s not going to go away.

Vincent: Right.

Gabe: I know the quick answer is, everybody should just get off social media. That’s never gonna happen right now.

Dr. Huber: And I don’t want you to. Again, that’s part of how I make my living. Right? What I say is, you need to take control of it and balance your life. OK? It’s just like weight management. It’s about food. It’s not about how much you exercise. Exercise helps, but if you’re not eating healthy it doesn’t matter how much you exercise.

Gabe: I like that.

Vincent: Yeah, that’s a good analogy. Although so many of us are bad at that on other things too.

Dr. Huber: My suggestion is, you set yourself a true, real, hard, fast limit. I’m going to only do an hour a day, or two hours a day, of social media. Then create things that get in the way of you being on that computer. Whether you actually schedule dinner meetings with people and friends have dinner appointments. I haven’t visited you in a long time, Cousin Sam. We’re going to dinner Thursday night. I’ll be there at this time. We’ve got reservations. Let’s go. What we do in my family is we do a lot of physical exercise in fun things. My son is 16 and is a second degree black belt. I’m almost a third degree black belt. My 14 year old daughter is almost a black belt. My wife has a black belt. We do hunting, we do fishing, we do camping we play sports, basketball, football, baseball, we play on community league. And that’s how my kids pay for their screen time. If they’re not doing those things, they don’t get on the computer because I won’t turn it on for them. So, it’s a balance. And that’s what it’s about.

Vincent: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Huber: It is so hard. In fact, with my kids, when they were little and they finally discovered computers, you know, they wanted to be on the computer every day. And, well, no. You need to do things. So we came up with an idea. My wife has a degree in Early Childhood. Of course, I started my career as a school psychologist. So what we did is we decided we were going to invest time in our kids and that’s what we did. Yeah. They went on the computer, so every night my wife and I would change the password to our computers and our screens and the tablet or anything else. And we would make a series of numbers, up to 13 digits long, and then we would make math problems, that if they answered correctly, and then put the answers in together to get those 13 digits, they would get the passcode. So, if they wanted on the computer, they have to go do math.

Gabe: I have heard about this evil.

Dr. Huber: And that was when they were like five or six, maybe seven years old. By the time my kids were in second or third grade, their friends hated me and my wife. Because we taught their parents that.

Vincent: That’s great.

Dr. Huber: You’ve got to do things like that. You have to be creative, because the world is changing. So we have to do things differently. If not, we’re using 1950s technology to deal with 2020 problems.

Gabe: And that’s a fair statement. Now one of the things that I try to do is I really do try to get my news from multiple sources.

Dr. Huber: Exactly, and that’s what you should do.

Gabe: I try to watch the local news. I try to watch MSNBC and Fox News. And it is interesting. If you ever need proof that our media has a bias, just watch the identical story on three different news channels.

Dr. Huber: Yeah I do even worse. I go to Pravda. I go to the Nikkei Weekly. You know, I get from China, whether it’s CGI or whatever. I do that. That’s where I’m looking. I’m not just looking at it internally here in America. And then I look at the BBC. Not at BBC America, but the BBC for Great Britain. And it’s amazing, because even in BBC America versus BBC for Britain it’s a different story.

Gabe: But I don’t think there’s anybody that’s going to disagree with you. Of course, we’re all going to disagree over whose fault it is. But I think the basic premise of, you know, we’re kind of being hoodwinked. I think everybody already feels that way. What is it? What is a final word for our listeners?

Dr. Huber: Well, I think if we try to point blame we’re falling into step with what they want. We have to stop pointing blame. We have to take a specific step within ourselves. Some what like you do with multiple sources for your news. We have to go ahead and say, “I’ve got to do my own legwork. I can not depend on somebody else to do it because they’re going to do it to their advantage and to my disadvantage.” So, you have to stand up to the plate. You have to swing that baseball bat. You can’t just sit there and hope for  a ball’s pass over the plate, because life will pass you by and you’ll be left wondering what happened.

Gabe: I like it, I like it. Thank you so much for being here. We really really appreciate it.

Vincent: Yes, we do.

Gabe: Please tell us where we can find you?

Dr. Huber: You can find me in a couple places. My main web site is MainstreamMentalHealth.org. The problem is it takes forever to type that in. So we have an alternate address. Takes you to the same place. It is DrPsycho.org. D R P S Y C H O dot org. From there you can get into all of our social media, follow us on Twitter, follow us on Instagram, follow us on LinkedIn, and follow us on Facebook.

Gabe: You need to be on Facebook less, but hop on Facebook and check us out.

Dr. Huber: Exactly. You know what it is?  We’re a good source. If you just want that daily inspiration, what we do on Facebook, for the non-profit, is we post stories about mental health issues that have arisen somewhere and somebody has taken the time to actually do some legwork and put that information out. Like one of the things we posted last spring, was evidence that suggests if you have Alzheimer’s or someone in your family or has Alzheimer’s, and they’re very agitated, find the music that they listened to when they were teenagers and play that music. And it’s amazing how they, almost every one of them, calms down and gets centered and quits acting out.

Gabe: Oh, that is very, very cool. Well, thank you again for being here. We really appreciate it and thank you everyone else for tuning in. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling anytime anywhere by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We’ll see everybody next week.

Narrator 1: Thank you for listening to the Psych Central Show. Please rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you found this podcast. We encourage you to share our show on social media and with friends and family. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/show. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website. Psych Central is overseen by Dr. John Grohol, a mental health expert and one of the pioneering leaders in online mental health. Our host, Gabe Howard, is an award-winning writer and speaker who travels nationally. You can find more information on Gabe at GabeHoward.com. Our co-host, Vincent M. Wales, is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor and author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels. You can learn more about Vincent at VincentMWales.com. If you have feedback about the show, please email talkback@psychcentral.com.

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-how-to-reduce-the-stress-of-social-media/