Helping Adult Children of Mentally Ill Mothers

I’m not a psychotherapist. But I’ve sat in front of one. It took me decades to find the chair in front of the psychotherapist and maybe that’s got something to do with me being the adult child of a schizophrenic mother.

I think it took me a long time to sit facing a psychotherapist because adult children of seriously mentally ill mothers are trained since they were young to believe three things:

1. Chaos and crises are normal.
2. The focus is not on me. The focus of care is on my mother.
3. Don’t speak too much about what goes on at home — people don’t like it, it’s too much for them.

The reality of the points above has shown itself in the following ways in my life:

• It’s normal for your mother to turn all the electricity off in the house because she thinks that if it’s on, the bomb in the cupboard will explode. It’s normal for her not to sleep, normal for her to crouch at the top of the stairs and pull scary faces at you in the dark. (Chaos)
• It’s normal for a social worker and a police car to chase your mother down the road during (yet another) section. It’s normal for your mother to chop her hair off with a breadknife. (Crises)
• It’s normal to sit in your living room while a psychiatrist leans on your door frame and a social worker and psychiatric nurse make phone calls and fill out forms because your mother is being taken into psychiatric again and even if you are weeping or have swollen eyes and flushed cheeks, it is normal for no one to ask, “Are you OK?” Who can blame them? It is your mother who needs the care as she is under direct fire in the bloody battlefield of mental illness while you are the silent and invisible casualty. (Focus on mother.)
• If you go to town to buy your teacher a leaving present with other kids from your A level class, just don’t mention that when you cycled home the other week, your mum was standing on a manhole cover in the middle of the road with all your pots and pans spread round her in a circle and her arms stretched out like Jesus on the cross. It’s just too much and would be a complete downer on the whole present buying thing. (Don’t speak about what’s going on.)

It’s no wonder that children of mentally ill mothers may end up suffering themselves, living as they do with the underhand criminal we call mental illness, the stalker of their mother’s brain. But I like to think we also suffer from courage, resilience, a mastery of swearing (swearing loudly and swearing quietly at the back of people’s heads) and a nonjudgmental attitude to others. The questions the child of a mentally ill mother may ask, may not be your average questions:

Mum thinks I am poisoning her dinner and she won’t eat. How do I get mum to eat?

Why is my mum afraid of the cooker? Why is she afraid of washing her hair?

Oh God, what are these big kitchen knives I keep finding hidden around the house?

Mum says that I am actually Mary Magdalene and my brother is John the Baptist. Am I Mary Magdalene? I don’t think I am, but maybe in some spiritual way she is right. Why do I have to be the prostitute and my brother gets to be John the Baptist? If I’m not Mary Magdalene and mum is wrong, does that mean mum is mad?

All of this — sectioning your own mother, being afraid of your own mother, her deep, deep, depressions, her psychoses, the utter chaos of family life, a house full of social workers and psychiatrists, doctors, police, relatives with raised voices, relatives who say they can’t handle this and leave — all of this is life for the child of a mother with serious mental illness. They think it’s normal, why make a fuss? Yet all of this is inside their head, it’s inside their heart, filling it up until it swells so much that it bursts and they tumble and fall and come to you: the psychotherapist, the counselor, the person who looks them in the eye. And what are they bringing you?

• Does my mother love me? (low self esteem)
• What’s normal? (confusion)
• Why do I feel these terrible feelings toward someone I’m supposed to love? (guilt/self hatred/anger)
• Will everyone disappear just like my mother? (insecurity/difficulty trusting)
• I can’t relax, because I know there is a crisis waiting round the corner (expecting the worst)
• I have a deep and profound sense of loss that sits hunched up in my chest taking up all the room (grief/depression).

And more, and more ….

If you’re a psychologist, a psychotherapist, a counselor, I know you know all of that. But I’m waving a sign anyway, waving it to highlight how life is for children of seriously mentally ill mothers because they matter too. I’m shouting through a megaphone and setting off fireworks because if I can get people to understand what’s inside the hearts of children like these, then maybe next time they sit in front of someone caring and interested enough to listen to their story, that person will be better able to help them begin to heal.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/31/helping-adult-children-of-mentally-ill-mothers/

Five Tips to Overcome Impostor Syndrome

If you’re an introvert like me, who sees any “confidence boosting'” tip online as the tastiest link bait in the online ocean, you’ll have read this common piece of advice: “Fake it ’til you make it.” Right? Of course! That’s what we have to do to appear more confident: just fake it.

Like anything in life we struggle with, “faking” our skill level gets us to where we want to be — right? Not for me.

One of the reasons I lack confidence in many situations is that I feel like an imposter. Like I’m a total fake, just waiting to be found out.

It happened when I was in my first job (junior web designer), with no real experience in web design other than my own experiments in Dreamweaver (more like Nightmareweaver…), and it happened when I started my freelance design career and wondered if I was even invoicing correctly.

Imposter syndrome is particularly common in the clients I work with, who tend to have introverted personality types. I haven’t found hard evidence to support why this might be, but Laura Woods offers a plausible answer:

Introverts tend to be highly, perhaps overly, analytical and self-aware. It could be that the root of Imposter Syndrome is really just self-absorption: spending too much time worrying about yourself and how others see you.

However, there are plenty of outwardly confident people who also are struck by this fraudulent feeling. Celebrities such as Natalie Portman have openly admitted to feeling insecure about their abilities. She reported “I felt like there had been some mistake, that I wasn’t smart enough to be in this company, and that every time I opened my mouth I would have to prove that I wasn’t just a dumb actress” when arriving at Harvard as a freshman.

Basically, no one is safe from feeling like a fraud, regardless of achievement or fame. So what can be done to shake imposter syndrome? Here are five pieces of advice I share with my clients:

1. Give yourself an appraisal. 
   This is particularly useful if you’re self-employed. When there isn’t anyone to give you positive feedback, you need to be the one to supply it. List any achievements you’re proud of. What are your skills? What could you talk about for hours? Chances are, you’re better than the vast majority of people at these things.
2. Remember that awareness is a good thing. 
   The sheer fact that you’re critical about your abilities is a sign that you care. A key ingredient to mastering anything is to care enough about it that you want to improve. If the greats felt imposter syndrome (and they did) you can put yourself on the same tumultuous path to mastery.
3. Make a “feel good” file. 
   This is a file — physical or digital — where you save all the positive testimonials, kind words, praise and thanks that you receive. Every time you need a bit of a confidence boost, remind yourself of your greatness by flicking through this file.
4. Spend time with those who lift you up. 
   While it’s easy to get absorbed into our own bubble when dealing with a dip in confidence, one of the best things we can do is surround ourselves with others who will pull us out of our slump. Carla Busazi, former editor-in-chief of the Huffington Post UK, recommends a glass of wine or a lunch with someone who can reassure you that are worthy, brilliant and fully deserving of your success.

   Conversely, take a step back from those who make you feel inadequate. Although it may not be intentional, some people will only remind us of our flaws and ultimately contribute to our lack of confidence.

5. Keep a journal. 
   Every day make a note of one thing you achieved or felt good about that day. Some use daily affirmations to train their brain into feeling more confident, but I recommend starting with achievements; they are more concrete and measurable. The practice of writing down these accomplishments ultimately will increase self-confidence and belief in your abilities. Whatever you do, don’t let imposter syndrome or lack of confidence hold you back.

olly2/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/31/five-tips-to-overcome-impostor-syndrome/

Best of Our Blogs: May 31, 2016

Why do we keep doing it?

If you’ve ever pushed yourself beyond your limit, you’ve asked this question before. If you’ve seen a loved one struggle with an unhealthy relationship or a toxic situation, you’ve asked it multiple times.

Why do we mold, fit and force ourselves past our capabilities? Why is that we have to hit rock bottom before we stop?

And why is that when we finally make a decision that would not only benefit ourselves, but everyone around us, we feel defeated, ashamed and full of guilt?

I don’t think we’re meant to do it all on our own. There is power in asking for help.

Maybe the reason why you never learned how to get your needs met was that you were raised by a narcissist. Maybe you remain in that dysfunctional relationship because you’re tied together in trauma bond or you haven’t yet address your core feelings. If so, keep reading. You may rediscover yourself and the courage you need to heal in this week’s top post.

Here’s to the Invisible People…and the Narcissists Who Made Them Disappear
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – For years, you kept your real self hidden. You isolated yourself. You made sure not to stand out. You’ve done all of that for this reason.

8 Signs You May Be Locked In A Trauma Bond
(One Day You Will Roar) – You and your partner have a bond. But it may not be a healthy one. If you recognize your relationship in this post, it’s time to seek help.

Alternative Approaches in Treating Addicts and Alcoholics
(One Sober Life) – While twelve-step programs are still an integral component to addiction treatment, these newer options are offering hopeful alternatives for addicts and alcoholics seeking help.

7 Ways to Repel (Rather Than Attract) a Narcissist
(Neuroscience & Relationships) – You’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist before and are unwilling to engage that codependency and narcissism dance again. Here’s what you need to do to protect yourself from a narcissist.

The Secret to Getting Unstuck: Core Feelings Part 2
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – If you feel overwhelmed by an uncomfortable feeling like sadness or grief that seems to come out of nowhere, it might be a deep, core feeling that requires healing. This will help.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/31/best-of-our-blogs-may-31-2016/

Do We Work Better to Music?

Getting and keeping the right frame of mind and mood while working appears to have much to do with picking the right kind of music to play.

Tags: anxiety and stress, news and research, work-life

from Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life http://counsellingresource.com/features/2016/05/31/do-we-work-better-to-music/

5 Ways to Grow Together When Depression Enters a Relationship

No one teaches us how to navigate a relationship when mental illness enters the equation.

I recently read a Washington Post article by a woman whose relationship was torn apart while she and her partner tried to deal with his depression.

My personal take is that the author simply wasn’t equipped to deal with a partner coping with depression. Most of us aren’t.

Last year when I plunged into a depressive episode, my partner was at a loss. He had never dealt with this and wanted so badly to help, but had no idea what to do.

What It’s Like Inside The Psychological Purgatory of Depression

We went looking for books and found there was very little out there, and what currently does exist approaches the topic in a “you vs. your partner and their depression” way. We weren’t comfortable with that, and set out to find a different way to do it — a way that would give him insight into my experience and allow him to support me, while giving him what he needed as well.

Our experiment worked!

Sure we hit bumps along the road, but in the end I felt loved, supported, and understood in a way I never had before during a depressive episode, and he felt like he knew what was going on — a big deal in this situation — and was equipped to deal with it.

Our experience inspired this list of 5 ways to grow together rather than apart when navigating through depressive episodes with your partner:

1. Get On Your Partner’s Team.

Another common advice mode that makes my blood boil is one I call the “broken and lucky” model.

It operates on the notion that the not-depressed partner is wonderful and selfless for standing by the partner with depression.

The message to the partner dealing with depression is there’s obviously something inherently wrong with them (they are broken) that could justifiably make a “normal” person not want them. They should therefore feel so lucky their partner is generously taking them on — ergo, broken and lucky.

This unhealthy model only results in anger, resentment, and destroyed relationships.

To avoid this, remember your partner doesn’t want to be clinically depressed any more than you do (in fact, they probably want it even less than you).

Instead of acting as adversaries, get on each other’s team.

This means trying to follow each their lead. Listening more than you talk. Trusting each other. Believing your partner when they describe their symptoms. Learning about what depression is. Meeting your partner where they are. Recognizing they aren’t their diagnosis. Being open to communicating differently.

Clearly, it means a lot of things.

Getting on your partner’s team is making the mental leap from thinking of your partner as someone who “has depression” to recognizing symptoms of depression as they show up in your partner and being able to ask informed questions when they do.

To get started, check out How To Help Someone With Depression by Steven Skoczen. It’s probably my favorite thing anyone has ever written on the topic.

2. Create a Common Language.

Someone dealing with depression is living in a whole different world. Getting angry at them for not showing up for you the same way they did before a depressive episode struck is like getting mad at your dog for not being ice cream —–futile, frustrating, and kind of mean.

To continue engaging in a relationship you need to start speaking the same language and, as we’ve already established, they can’t speak yours right now.

One of the first things I taught my partner was the Spoon Theory. Created by Christine Miserandino (whom I consider the patron saint of folks with chronic invisible ailments), the Spoon Theory gave my partner a concrete understanding of my limited physical, mental, and emotional resources, as well as a simple language with which to ask about them.

The other resource that we found most helpful in understanding the unique language around depression was, well, a video game! Seriously!

When I first played Depression Quest, I wept because I’d never felt so understood.

When my partner first played it, he called me, sounding shaken. He asked if it was accurate, if that’s really how it felt. I told him yes, and he admitted that depression was so much harder, scarier, and more frustrating than it looks from the outside. The word “dystopian” may even have been used…

Is Depression Quest’s story universal? No. Does it describe everyone’s depression? No.

Depression looks different from person to person and even from episode to episode, but I have never seen anything else evoke the feelings of depression the way that game does.

3. Let Each Other Know It’s OK to Be Wherever You Each Are — Often.

Depression can turn us into people who don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. It can make us people who get angry easily. It can make us cry a lot…all the standard things people picture when they think “depression.”

What we don’t talk about as often is the excessive guilt and shame, which can both be a big part of the depression package.

When your partner feels like they are ruining your plans, not fun to be around, crying yet again, both may kick in.

Let your partner know that wherever they’re at is okay and you still love and support them. Then repeat. A lot.

When your partner texts that they don’t want to go to the concert after all, a reply as simple as “I’ll miss you but I totally get it. Do you need me to bring you anything before I go?” makes all the difference in the world, because it lets them know it really is okay to be wherever they are.

20 Things You MUST Accept For Your Relationship To Succeed

4. Take Responsibility for Your Own Social Life.

Jumping off that last one — sometimes your partner won’t want to go places when you do, and that’s okay.

We live in a world that is really intense about the whole “couples must do everything together” thing. I really don’t get this.

I was lucky heading into my last episode, because I am an introvert in a long distance relationship with a pretty intense extrovert, so we were already used to socializing separately. However, for many people the “I can’t go places without my partner” mentality puts extra strain on relationships that involve someone dealing with depression.

This is especially true for partners who live together. It’s a recipe for resentment if the choice comes down to one of you forcing yourself to brave social events you don’t have the emotional capacity for or the other skipping events to stay home with while growing more and more resentful of missing out yet again.

The solution here is so simple, though: take responsibility for your own social life.

Don’t make everything you do contingent on whether or not your partner does it, wants to do it, or can commit to the plan 3 months in advance. (Spoiler alert: if someone is dealing with depression, they probably can’t).

Make the plans you want to make, let your partner know they are welcome to join but wherever they are is okay (remember?), and then go have a social life.

This may sound like I’m telling you to go out and leave your depressed partner behind, but actually, I’m suggesting you simply take the social pressure off your partner by letting them know they are not responsible for your social happiness. You can still exist out in the world even if they’re not up to it right now.

You may need to discuss this idea with your partner if separate socializing is new for you, but ultimately, this can lift a whole lot of strain off of you both of you and give you each much-needed self-care time.

5. Find a Support System for Yourself.

This is a lot of work for one person and you are doing some serious heavy lifting in this relationship.

What about when you need to vent?

What about when you need someone to be your soft landing place and during a period of time when your partner just CANNOT do it?

How do you stop that from filling you with frustration and resentment?

Make sure you have your own support network. Hopefully your partner has a therapist, and you may want to consider one for yourself. Or maybe you have a really strong network of family and/or friends you can talk to. Maybe there’s just one person in your life who really gets it, or who even doesn’t understand it at all but with whom you can shut off you brain and do something else entirely.

Make sure you’re getting support too, because you need it, you deserve it, and no matter how much your partner may want to provide it for you, depression can make it near-impossible for them to do so at times.

Overall, when it comes to navigating depression together, think about what will make you each stronger. These ideas are all about standing in solidarity with your partner, validating them when they feel vulnerable, and ensuring support for yourself.

When we talk about depression and relationships, we tend to talk about frustration, anger, and confusion. I firmly believe getting on the same page with one another can remedy a whole lot of that, because I believe people have more capacity for empathy and mutual support than we give them credit for.

In short, I know you BOTH can do this.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Things You MUST Do If Your Partner Suffers From Depression.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/30/5-ways-to-grow-together-when-depression-enters-a-relationship/

Are You Sabotaging Your Brain?

It does not take much to rob your brain of its essential vitality. Dr. Daniel Amen, a renowned psychiatrist, has spent his entire career trying to understand the ways we can preserve or sabotage our brain health.

In his book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, Amen explores the root of these essential brain robbers. The good news is that because the brain is highly plastic, any good habit that forms over time can replace short-term damage.

Below are some of the ways you could be harming your brain without even knowing it:

• Alcohol.
  People who drink alcohol excessively have smaller brains than nondrinkers. Excessive or binge drinking for both genders lowers activity in the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for judgment, forethought, and planning.
• Obesity.
  As your weight goes up, brain size goes down. Obesity more than doubles your risk of Alzheimer’s disease, with a decrease in brain tissue.
• Dysregulated hormones.
  This could be due to imbalances with your thyroid, testosterone, or estrogen levels. It is important to get a complete blood count (CBC) yearly.
• Poor diet.Although your brain accounts for only two percent of your body weight, it uses 20 to 30 percent of all the calories you consume. A fast food routine will leave you with a “fast food brain” and a “fast food body” to boot.
• Lack of new learning.
  The brain gets easily bored and requires new and different challenges to stay healthy. Once the brain really learns something, such as how to navigate the streets of your hometown, it uses less energy to accomplish the task. Learn to familiarize yourself with uncharted territory. These experiences actually help our neurons grow.
• Drugs.
  Most people are aware that marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy, methamphetamines, and heroin seriously decrease brain function. Unfortunately, Illegal drugs aren’t the only culprits. Abusing prescription medications, such as Vicodin, Oxycontin, and Xanax, also can hurt the brain. So can an over-reliance on supplements and over-the-counter drugs.
• Chronic inflammation.
  Inflammation now is thought to be at the center of many diseases, including diabetes, heart disease, obesity, and Alzheimer’s disease. C-reactive protein, found in our blood plasma, often rises in response to inflammation. Ask your doctor to perform this test, as it is not usually part of a standard scan.
• Chronic stress.
  When you constantly feel stressed, your brain tells your body to secrete higher amounts of the stress hormone cortisol. Our bodies need an optimal level of cortisol to function, accomplish the things we want to do and maintain focus. At elevated levels, cortisol increases your appetite, cravings for sugar, increases muscle tension and chronic pain, increases blood pressure, and raises your risk for many serious health conditions.
• Chronic sleep deprivation.
  Getting less than five to six hours of sleep a night lowers overall brain function and causes your brain to release hormones that increase your appetite and cravings for high-sugar snacks. People who don’t get enough sleep tend to eat more calories and gain weight.
• Lack of exercise.
  Lack of exercise decreases blood flow to your brain, body, and genitals. It is well-documented that a lack of physical activity can negatively affect your weight, overall health and sexual well-being.
• Negative thinking.
  fMRI scans have shown that focusing on the things you don’t like lowers brain activity, causes your heart to beat faster, increases blood pressure, and negatively affects many systems in your body. Negative thinking also can sabotage your efforts to change your bad habits, lose weight, start an exercise program, or quit smoking.
• Too much TV.
  Watching too much TV can be harmful for your brain and body. Excessive TV watching has been associated with ADD in children, obesity, and in recent studies to Alzheimer’s disease.
• Excessive texting and social networking.
  Spending too much time texting and social networking leads to attention problems and may cause difficulties communicating face-to-face, especially in romantic relationships. It also takes time away from physical activities, making you more prone to weight gain.

There are many other ways you can sabotage your brain. Only you know how you are treating, protecting and preserving your brain, and subsequently body and heart health. Even though we cannot physically see on a daily basis the changes we are making to our brains, we intuitively know how it is doing based on how we feel. We have to work hard to show our brain who is boss.

digitalista/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/30/are-you-sabotaging-your-brain/

‘Inside Out’: Animated Film Explains that Sadness Is Essential

In The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran writes:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

I thought of his words yesterday as I watched Disney’s “Inside Out,” which I believe is as beneficial as a month of psychotherapy sessions. Watching it with your kids is even better: cheap family therapy. We could all use a reminder of the various characters — Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust, and Sadness — that live within us, and how our temperament is colored by the guy who is hogging the control pad of our brain.

As a person who has struggled with depression for most of her life, I was especially intrigued by the relationship between Joy and Sadness. I laughed when Joy draws a small circle toward the back of Headquarters and tells Sadness her job is to stay within that space. How many times have I given the same order to my depression? “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE??!! FOR THE LAST TIME … GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!”

For most of Inside Out, all Joy wants to do is get rid of the blue-ness that messes everything up. However, a few key moments in the pair’s odyssey back to Headquarters teach Joy the critical role of Sadness in the well-being of Riley, the girl whom they are inside, and how Joy and Sadness are more connected than she ever suspected.

I think most of us feel like Joy with that piece of chalk in hand, wanting to delegate our sorrow to the farthest, tiniest corner in our brain. As a society, we are uncomfortable sitting with a friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer and not saying anything — no platitudes, no advice, no jokes — just letting her tears fall wherever they may, as Sadness did with Riley’s imaginary friend, Bing Bong, when he rehashed his traumatic past.

In fact, we force happiness so much in our culture that it breeds unhappiness. In Man’s Search for Meaning, Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl quoted Edith Weisskopt-Joelson, late professor of psychology, who said:

Our current mental-hygiene philosophy stresses the idea that people ought to be happy, that unhappiness is a symptom of maladjustment. Such a value system might be responsible for the fact that the burden of unavoidable unhappiness is increased by unhappiness about being unhappy.

We are afraid of sadness even as it serves a purpose in helping human beings to survive. In his fascinating piece Four Ways Sadness May Be Good For You, University of California, Berkeley, professor of psychology Joseph P. Forgas, PhD writes:

Findings from my own research suggest that sadness can help people improve attention to external details, reduce judgmental bias, increase perseverance, and promote generosity. All of these findings build a case that sadness has some adaptive functions, and so should be accepted as an important component of our emotional repertoire.

In one of his studies, participants rated the likely truth of 25 true and 25 false trivia statements. Afterwards they were told if each was actually true. Two weeks later, only sad participants were able to accurately distinguish between the true statements and the false claims. The happy folks were more inclined to rate all of the previously seen statements as true.

However, we are so negatively biased in our assessment of this “problem emotion” — programmed in us through everything from sitcoms and media headlines to self-help literature and motivational speakers — that we don’t even flinch when people like Randy Pausch, the famous deceased Carnegie Mellon professor, ask questions like: “You have to decide … Are you a Tigger or an Eeyore?”

I loved every part of his The Last Lecture except for that because the world needs its share of Eeyores: solemn, highly-sensitive, realistic, pensive creatures. Moreover, Eeyore exists in each of us — he balances out the annoyingly hyperactive Tigger. None of us are 100 percent Tigger or Eeyore. We aren’t completely Joy or Sadness. We are both and so much more.

Gibran writes:

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

I will think of those wise words when I’m trying to force Joy to take over command central in my noggin and push Sadness back into her petite circle. Inside Out does a beautiful job of teaching us that we need all of our feelings — even Disgust, Fear, and Anger — and that the more we expand our vocabulary of emotions and become aware of the movement of each within the gray matter of our brain, the more resilient we will be to cope with life’s unexpected turns and twists.

Continue the conversation on ProjectBeyondBlue.com, the new depression community.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

Sabphoto/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/30/inside-out-animated-film-explains-that-sadness-is-essential/

A Painful Appreciation

Give thanks for the soul-crushing anxiety. Say amen when the sinking depression floors you. Raise your glass for repetitive negative thoughts.

“What?” you screech. “My mind teases me, toying with my emotions for sheer pleasure. And you — you of all people — are saluting my mental brain tricks. Are you happy when my mind twists me into a human pretzel?”

Hardly. I do not take perverse pleasure in another person’s suffering. But as your taunting mind ridicules you, let’s express gratitude. Before spewing invective in a berating email, hear me out.

We are the chosen people — chosen to tackle an enigmatic, devilish disorder. We can speak eloquently about mental health’s dysfunction. We understand frayed family relationships, unfulfilled potential, simmering bitterness.

But what about mental health’s positive impact? Mental health gusts may topple you. But withstanding its hurricane-like force, you press forward. You are battered and bruised, sure. But you are better, too. Let’s explore.

Mental health instills a sense of purpose. So many of us shuffle to work each day, striving for a meaningful existence. We obsess over the latest TV show, trendiest brands, and Kim Kardashian’s love interests. We express indignation (how dare he pick her?!) about The Bachelorette finale. But amidst Kim’s vacuous tweets and disputed Bachelorette finales, we crave a deeper purpose.

As mental health advocates, we have an intrinsic motivator more powerful than any catchphrase. Our mental health trials have scarred us. But they have empowered us, too. Chasing stability, not six figures, we covet more than the latest designer suit and Game of Thrones season.

As unsuspecting mental health issues ambushed this self-conscious teenager, I vowed to embolden others. I pinch myself at my serendipity. Here I have a public platform to demystify mental illness. Poignantly speaking about personal struggles, I braced myself for withering comments. Instead, strangers email me, entrusting me with their fears, anxieties, and uncertainties. I am humbled — both from personal tribulations and readers enlisting me (me??) for wisdom.

Mental health instills a sense of compassion. We have a deeper awareness of human suffering through our own lived experience. Our relatability forges powerful connections. Family and friends share vulnerabilities, appreciating your openness when discussing personal frailties. Your experience, and resulting humility, transcends communication barriers. You savor the richer life, one filled with the world’s most powerful denomination: shared experience.

Damn you, depression! Shut up, schizophrenia! Take that, tremors! When mental health issues floor us, we beseech a higher power for relief. Crumpled in my bed, intrusive thoughts pinballing through my head, it is tempting to cry out, “Why?” But as I have aged, the why question has evolved into something more profound. “Why — like so many others — can’t I use my mental fortitude to benefit others?” That toast in the opening paragraph? It is to our collective strength.

Dean Drobot/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/29/a-painful-appreciation/

All the Single Ladies — What’s Going On?

“So what’s the secret for getting a good marriage? asked my friend Ellen.

“Choose wisely and learn what it takes to stay happily married,” I blurted out. Yet many of us first need to believe that we can succeed in marriage.

It’s strange when you think about it how little planning is typically given when it comes to decisions about marriage. Do romance and planning sound like concepts that don’t belong in the same sentence? In fact, both are needed for a good marriage.

Why shouldn’t planning happen?

The Case for Planning

No one expects anything else to go well without planning. Yet many people get married with little forethought, skate along for maybe half a century, then wonder why they’re less happy than they expected to be.

Marriage has changed in recent decades. In general, women no longer need a husband for financial security or to conform to society’s expectations. Also, given the current high rates of marriage failures, it’s no wonder that so many women who say they want marriage unconsciously block themselves from committing. The real issue is probably a fear that if they do marry, it won’t go well. It’s human nature to yearn for a life partner. Yet more singles than ever before are avoiding commitment.

About choosing wisely, if you think it’s supposed to be like a romantic movie in which you cross a crowded room to connect with the stranger whose eyes met yours, think again!

It’s not a matter of finding the right guy and the magic should happen. It’s more about knowing that none of us is perfect, but we can still be quite wonderful. It’s about how we deal with what comes up for us. And it’s about finding someone with qualities we value who’s willing to work with us when issues arise — and they will.

Many lovely single women say it’s so hard to find a good partner. Here are a few examples, starting with “Emily.”

Emily

An older woman I’d just met and I were seated with our husbands at a table in a cruise ship lounge, waiting for entertainment to begin. She told me that her daughter, Emily, in her forties and still single, wasn’t interested in marriage. Anyway, that’s what Emily told her.

A bit later I met Emily. A public relations executive, she was very attractive, with clear skin, soft chin-length hair, and a ready smile. When we spoke privately, she looked at me in the eye and confided, “I want to get married. My friends do too.”

Susan

Susan, thirty-five with a four-year-old daughter, does body work and teaches yoga. She usually says, “My life is fine.” Yet in rare moments of vulnerability, she asks, “Why can’t I meet a great man who accepts and really cares for me, and wants to be with me for life?”

Cindi

Cindi, twenty-nine, says it took her last relationship with a verbally abusive boyfriend to “make me see the light and stop pining for a partner.”

Cindi may or may not change her mind in time. But with the current high marriage failure rates, it’s understandable that many people would feel cautious about committing, especially if they, themselves, have experienced a failed marriage or if their parents got divorced or stayed in a bad marriage. My friend Ellen, who’d asked me for the secret recipe for a good marriage, is now in her early seventies. She had an early marriage to an abusive man, divorced him fairly quickly and has avoided commitment since then, not for lack of interested men, but because she fears another disappointment.

By the way, many women do marry in their seventies and beyond. My own mother, of blessed memory, married again in her seventies, long after she and my father had divorced, and it turned out wonderfully for her and her new husband.

Many Women Secretly Want Marriage

Many women of all ages secretly hope to marry but are too bashful to say so — whether because it’s not popular to announce their desire, they fear being viewed as needy or desperate, or they lack confidence that they’ll succeed.

Recently published books (1) and articles (2) have been turning the old negative “spinsterhood” label on its head, touting the advantages of being able to live life on one’s own terms instead of being tethered to a partner. What fun it is to dine and travel with women friends! How lovely to enjoy one’s own company in solitude!

Marriage: Here to Stay

Personally, I believe in marriage. Of course, I also believe in a women’s right to choose to remain single.

I’m convinced that after existing for thousands of years, the institution is here to stay. Yet, given that some vocal and seemingly credible segments of the popular culture are painting marriage as outdated, it’s no wonder that so many single women are reluctant to say they want more out of life than freedom from being “tethered.”

The kind of marriage I believe in is emotionally and spiritually fulfilling. Such unions can be created by women who are willing to fill in gaps that may exist in themselves, so that their heads and hearts will be in the right place to attract — and be — a wonderful partner. By getting past what is holding them back from committing, by learning how to choose wisely and by investing themselves in an ongoing way to keep the relationship thriving, they can create the kind of marriage they’ve always wanted.

After being single for quite a long time, and now married for almost twenty-eight years, I can say that the trade-offs are well worth it — if you are willing to gain the tools for creating an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling relationship that lasts a lifetime.

 

Notes:

(1)  All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation, by Rebecca Traister, and Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own, by Kate Bolick are examples of currently popular books that promote the single lifestyle for women.

(2) “Going Solo — More Young Women Embrace Single Life,” by Sharyn Jackson, Minneapolis Star Tribune, republished in Marin Independent Journal, May 10, 2016.

(3) The book, Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted, tells step by step how to hold a gentle, loosely structure conversation with positive communication skills to keep the relationship thriving.

Tissiana/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/29/all-the-single-ladies-whats-going-on/

Bipolar Disorder: A Patient’s Definition

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2003, I knew exactly one thing about it: Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of Nirvana, had it. And he died by suicide in 1994. As a Nirvana fan, I paid attention to the news about his life — and death — but, with the exception of repeating the diagnosis over and over again, little information about bipolar disorder itself was reported.

Essentially, I knew that a famous millionaire couldn’t beat it. I also knew it was a mental illness, which meant I was broken — so broken that I could no longer participate in society. Some of my earliest thoughts immediately after being diagnosed revolved around selling my house, quitting my job, and moving into a group home — things I never needed to do, but simply assumed I would have to.

When I finally was able to ask the doctor what bipolar disorder was, the response did little to aid in understanding:

      “A mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.”

At that moment, I had a better comprehension of advanced algebra — and I had failed math in high school.

How I Explain Bipolar Disorder

It’s been almost 13 years since I was diagnosed. In that time, I’ve learned a lot about the disease from a practical standpoint. As a speaker and writer, I’ve become skilled at explaining what bipolar disorder is in a way that the medical and educational establishments can’t. Because I live with the illness, I can go “off script,” for lack of a better term.

In my mind (no pun intended), bipolar disorder exists on a spectrum. On the very bottom is suicidal depression. At the very top is god-like mania. The bipolar individual vacillates back and forth between the two extremes.

To put it simpler, sometimes I want to die and sometimes I believe I am the creator of the universe and capable of all things. Literally going from massive confidence to massive self-doubt.

The oft-used comparison to temperature applies beautifully, since temperature exists on a spectrum, as well. Thirty-two degrees is warmer than zero, but colder than 72. Unlike the weather, we don’t have a science to predict the extremes of bipolar in advance. A meteorologist can predict the weekend forecast with some accuracy, but we can’t know where on the spectrum a person’s mood will be on any given day, or how long that mood will last.

As the weather is unpredictable, so is bipolar disorder. The highs and lows are not balanced. Two days of depression does not mean a future of two days of mania, any more than two consecutive days of record high temperatures will mean a future with two days of record lows.

Just like the weather has temperature extremes, it also has other factors. Thunderstorms, wind, and snow could line up with bipolar symptoms like anger, irritability, and aloofness.

Living with Bipolar Disorder

Explaining what it is like to live with bipolar disorder isn’t something to be summed up in a single article. There are a lot of moving parts and the answer changes based on factors like age, gender, and whether or not the person is in treatment. Plus, every person is different in both biology, which is uncontrollable, to how hard that person works to recover, which is more controllable.

Day-to-day life is different depending on where I am on the spectrum. Bipolar depression is pretty much major depression. I often don’t write about that symptom because it is well understood in the mental health community.

Rather, I spend my time explaining mania, hyper-sexuality, treatment issues, and what it is like to make my way in the world when some days I feel like the hero of the story and some days I feel like the villain.

The inconsistency in thinking, feelings, and behavior has made it difficult to form lasting relationships, as well as live a consistent and stable life. It hasn’t been until recently that I have started to consider the possibility that the other shoe may never drop.

I’ve been bipolar my entire life. At 39 years old, I look back and see three distinct parts of my journey:

1. Before diagnosis
2. After diagnosis, but before recovery
3. Recovery with bipolar disorder

More than anything, however, I realize that bipolar disorder will always take up some portion of my life. In the beginning, it owned me entirely. As I move forward, it has less and less control. There is no cure for bipolar disorder, so it will always be an unwelcome guest in my life. But, with each passing day, it loses its power over me just a little bit more.

I can never ignore bipolar entirely – that would be foolish – but lessening its impact on my life is a worthwhile and obtainable goal.

In fact, it’s a goal I’m currently achieving.

 

Image: WAYNE0216/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/29/bipolar-disorder-a-patients-definition/

A Recipe for Recovery: Ingredients for Good Mental Health

I believe mental health self-care starts with the right medication. The right medications are crucial for recovery. Personally, I have realized finding the right combination of drugs really makes the difference between being well or unwell.

Medications, while imperfect, are the leading treatment for mental illness and could make the difference between being high-functioning or going through a lot of pain. There are a few principles that help when choosing to take medication. Do not go off prescribed medication without consulting your doctor. Psychotropic medications are powerful, with serious side effects. Withdrawal can cause, at the very least, a flare in mental health symptoms.

Secondly, when making medication changes, work with a doctor, do it slowly and pay attention to the warning signs of relapse. Third of all, do research on medications. Know the side effects, in particular how to detect them and how to reduce them. 

Once medicated, how we care for our bodies is essential. Most of us know that exercise and healthy food are good for us. Research states that, “Exercise improves mental health by reducing anxiety, depression, and negative mood and by improving self-esteem and cognitive function” (Sharm, A. et al, 2006). In other words, exercise can improve mental health and quality of life.

Exercise also is important for mitigating the side effects of weight gain and potential health risks associated with many psychotropic drugs. We don’t want to compromise physical health for mental health, but at the same time medications are lifesaving and often integral to treatment.

Diet also has an impact on mood. Eating lots of sugar, red meat and caffeine is not helpful to feeling well because of its effect on energy levels, increasing the risk of physical illness. Along with a healthy diet, supplementation is also helpful. For example, omega fatty acids are good for the brain functioning and B vitamins support the nervous system (Stuart, A., 2008). I have found with the right combination of drugs and increased exercise and healthy diet that my symptoms lessen and even disappear.

While self-care is important to mental health, another crucial concept to wellness is putting together a clear picture of what triggers the illness. Looking at a mental health history will give clues for this. Work that affects my sleep and involves emotionally charged and physically draining situations lead me to illness. Creating a list of guidelines is helpful for heading in a healthy direction. For example, limiting work hours ensures adequate rest and time for self-care.

In general, patterns are lessons about the direction of health. Examining triggers that contribute to mental illness can shed light on how to keep well. Research states that the following triggers can create illness for a person with bipolar disorder: stress, addiction, medication, sleep deprivation, and seasonal changes (Smith & Segal, 2016). Triggers are unique for everyone. I recommend keeping a detailed list of the triggers on a fridge or desk bulletin board as a contract to staying well.

Finally, one of the main determinants of happiness I have seen in people, besides relationships with other people, is finding the right work or hobby. With purpose, there is meaning and hope. People with mental illness need strength to face their illness and part of this is taking pride in what they can offer the world. It doesn’t matter if it is paid or unpaid or volunteer work or employment. Having talked to people who have struggled with mental illness, finding a central focus has been a rewarding achievement.

Having a mental illness requires care of one’s physical and mental health. Staying well is a great personal challenge but can be manageable with proper attention to looking after oneself.

References

Sharm, A., Modoan, V., & Petty, F. (2006). Exercise for Mental Health. Prim Care Companion. J Clin
Psychiatry. 8(2), 106.

Smith, M., & Segal, J. (April 2016). Bipolar Disorder Signs and Symptoms: Recognizing Mania,
Hypomania & Bipolar Depression. Retrieved from http://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolardisorder/bipolar-disorder-signs-and-symptoms.

Stuart, A. Herbs, Vitamins, & Supplements Used to Enhance Mood (2008). Retrieved from
http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-and-supplements/lifestyle-guide-11/herbs-vitamins-and-supplements-used-to-enhance-mood?page=2

Ariwasabi/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/28/a-recipe-for-recovery-ingredients-for-good-mental-health/

3 Tips to Worry Less

I worry to some extent, of course, but I don’t think I worry as much as a lot of people. Many people worry about how much they worry!

The New York Times recently had an interesting article by Roni Caryn Rabin titled “Worried? You’re Not Alone.” In it, Rabin points out several intriguing findings in a Liberty Mutual Insurance research paper, the “Worry Less Report.” Apparently Millennials worry about money. Single people worry about housing (and money). People worry less as they grow older.

Some people — for instance, like my sister Elizabeth — feel that if they do worry about something, they’ll somehow prevent a bad thing from happening. Rabin points out, very sensibly, “Researchers say this notion is reinforced by the fact that we tend to worry about rare event, like plane crashes, and are reassured when they don’t happen, but we worry less about common events, like car accidents.”

Rabin also distinguishes between “productive worry,” which helps us solve a problem, and worry where you’re just, well, stewing in worry.

According to the report, here are some ways to tackle worrying:

1. Break your worry into separate pieces, and tackle them one by one.

Identify the problem (my Eighth Personal Commandment), clarify your goals, try to think of solutions. “Grab a pen and paper and brainstorm… studies have show this approach can help ease depression and anxiety.”

2. Schedule time to worry.

Elizabeth and I discuss this at length in episode 56 of the Happier podcast.

3. Practice accepting uncertainty.

Consider what you can and can’t change or affect. Why worry about whether it’s going to rain? All you can do is bring an umbrella.

Relatedly, for me, is the worry that arises when I need to make a choice among several options. Often, I’ll be thinking of one option, and I’ll have some worry about it — then I’ll remember, “This worry applies to all the options, so I don’t need to take it into account.”

For instance, a friend told me, “I’m worried that if my daughter goes to college X, she’ll have trouble making friends.” But the daughter will face the challenge of making friends at any college she attends; there was nothing about college X that would make that it more difficult to make friends there. So it’s not a worry to consider in making the decision among colleges.

This discussion reminds me of a wonderful children’s book, Kevin Henkes’s Wemberly Worried.  “‘Worry, worry, worry!’ said her grandmother. ‘Too much worry.’”

Are you a “worrier”? Have you found some good strategies to manage your worrying?

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/28/3-tips-to-worry-less/

Psychology Around the Net: May 28, 2016

Here in the U.S., we’re currently in the midst of Memorial Day Weekend (with this Monday — May 30, 2106 — being Memorial Day). Generally, Memorial Day marks the unofficial start of summer and many Americans kick off with cookouts, beach trips, and boat rides on the lake or river.

However, that’s not what Memorial Day represents.

Memorial Day is the holiday that honors the men and women who died serving in the U.S. military, with its origins dating back to the late 1860s when people began holding tributes to fallen soldiers of the American Civil War.

Thus, even though Memorial Day has morphed into a time to party for many, for many still, it’s a time to honor the dead…and, with death comes the grief of loss.

If you’re dealing with the death of a loved one, I invite you to take a look at HelpGuide’s Coping With Grief and Loss (tons of resources), as well as visit Psych Central’s own forum for Grief and Loss where you can connect with others.

Now, let’s get on with this week’s latest in mental health news!

Sebastian Junger’s Take on PTSD: After spending decades reporting from war zones, journalist, best-selling author, and award-winning filmmaker Sebastian Junger has released his latest book, Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging (March 24, 2016), which “argues counterintuitively that the society American soldiers return to does more to cause post-traumatic stress disorder than combat does.” On his new book, Junger claims “[h]umans don’t mind duress, in fact they thrive on it. What they mind is not feeling necessary.”

#MyDepressionLooksLike Shines a Light On the True Faces of Mental Illness: We’re at the tailend of Mental Health Awareness Month in the U.S., but it’s never to late to for all of us help stop the stigma of mental illness by standing up and showing what symptoms of mental illness really look like. Thousands of Twitter users took to social media this month using the hashtag #MyDepressionLooksLike to share their own experiences and educate others, and you can, too.

FDA Considering Pricey Implant As Treatment For Opioid Addiction: Soon, the FDA is expected to make a decision about Probuphine — an device made up of four rods that provide a controlled release of buprenorphine, which is a type of drug used to treat opiod addiction. Proponents believe that because Probuphine is implanted in the skin, people won’t be able to easily sell it on the illegal market. However, even though the studies show that 12% of people who used the implant relapsed (compared to the 28% who relapsed using the pill form), some believe the high price will be a problem for patients.

Chirlane McCray Enlists New York Clergy in Mental Health Outreach: As part of a three-day campaign called the “Mental Health Weekend of Faith” by NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio’s wife Chirlane McCray to promote ThriveNYC, a project to improve NYC’s mental health system, approximately “1,000 churches, synagogues, mosques and other houses of worship” spoke to their congregations about mental illness, “reaching an estimated 250,000 people.” However, this is just the beginning; the city plans to spend $850 million on mental health programs over the next four years.

What Cosplay Taught Me About Confidence: Struggling to build up your self-confidence? Maybe it’s time to put on a costume. Check out how Eric Ravenscraft explains why dressing up as another character helped him experiment with new identities (and get comfortable with the uncomfortable nature of that), helped him build instant connections with new people, and change the situation’s context so he was in his own element.

Money Really Does Matter in Relationships: According to a new study published in Frontiers in Psychology, we choose our romantic partners based not only on emotions and feelings, but also based on how “rich” we feel compared to other, possibly prospective romantic interests. The two experiments involved assigning men and women as either wealthy or poor and then examining their mating behavior and, well, let’s just say some of us start looking toward new horizons when we think our bank accounts are a little fatter!

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/28/psychology-around-the-net-may-28-2016/

7 Ways Knowing Yourself Leads to More Happiness

You need to know yourself a little better.

Who are you when no one sees you? When you have an opportunity to spend time alone, how do you fill that time? Just as importantly, what do you leave out?

When you know yourself well, you can answer these questions easily. When you don’t understand yourself, not only are the questions more difficult, days drift together rather than develop with a sense of organization and purpose.

So how do you know yourself better at any age? Tune in to your core.

40 Guaranteed Ways To Ruin Your Own Life (Without Noticing It)

Everything that makes you the unique footprint on this earth that is you — your values, your strengths, talents, hobbies and preferences, plus all the trimmings of how you put your world together combined with your life purpose.

Whoa! Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? Well, sure. Humans are astounding, each one of us. But when we focus on living according to our values and organizing our personal world around them, we’re able to take control of our life. We can create our own happiness! Here’s how:

1. Connect to Your Core.

When trying to connect to your core, a journal is indispensable. Use it for recording thoughts, dreams, ideas and impressions. In addition, research shows that journaling also benefits your physical well-being by reducing stress and will help you understand yourself better while assisting you in clarifying your thoughts.

2. Reflect in Solitude.

It’s necessary to spend time alone to understand yourself. Allow yourself to differentiate your thoughts and feelings from those around you. Whether you create time within your day to be alone, or spend concentrated hours in solitude, the benefits will enhance your relationship with others besides yourself.

3. Know Your Core Values.

Our core values are what we stand for above all else — they’re the dissenting principles over which nations go to war! Get clear on these and you’re able to set up life according to your personal code of beliefs. They serve as a practical tool, too — they can be a handy litmus test to evaluate and make decisions according to your values. (Not sure how to define yours? Barrett Values Centre has a free web-based Personal Values Assessment, with no obligation.)

4. Be Accountable.

Take accountability for your life! It’s up to you to use the knowledge and information you have. You already show your strengths, but you may not be shining them as brightly as you could. Your journal is an ideal tool to write lists of what you like to do, what you’re good at, and what people ask you to do. This information will reveal your abilities. Or use this Strengths Study for a free assessment.

5. Figure Out What Motivates You.

Do you realize what motivates you to get up in the morning, besides a cup of coffee? If you do, you know your life purpose. For help deciphering it, take a look at this video on “Demystifying Life Purpose.”

Quiz: What Is Your Personality Type Based On The Words You Use?

6. Assess Your Relationships…

Other people are a large part of our composition. Look around and reflect on what relationships enhance your world. Friends are those who support us as our truest self. The individuals in our life can serve as mirrors reflecting what we need to see. Who is in your world? What are they showing you?

7. …Your Life’s “Trimmings.”

I call the personal choices we make that are uniquely ours “trimmings.” For example, do you wear full makeup or do you go natural? Is your clothing style glam or minimalist? Are your shoes mostly heels or flats? Do you prefer to walk or drive? And if you drive, what is your favorite car? Would your preferred living spot be by the water or in the mountains?

When you understand yourself, you can structure your life according what works for your needs. Life becomes within your control — with the freedom to accept opportunities to enhance it and decline those that don’t.

There is freedom, immense relief, and genuine happiness resulting from first knowing yourself and then remaining true to yourself. Life is full of choices. With self-knowing comes the assurance that you can comfortably engage in any activity you choose to because you possess the confidence you won’t lose a key element of your being.

Shakespeare showed his wisdom when he said “to thine own self, be true.” Knowing yourself is the foundation of creating a world that works for you. Living authentically by being true to yourself is how to ensure that happiness.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Do These 7 Things To Be Truly Happy (Yes, It’s THAT Simple).

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/27/7-ways-knowing-yourself-leads-to-more-happiness/

The Beauty of Intentional Forgetting

We store memories using a variety of contexts — sights, sounds, smells, who was there, the weather, etc. Context helps us retrieve these memories later. For instance, my husband recently made roast chicken and collard greens. It was a normal Sunday night, then the collards hit the iron skillet and I was transported back to 1994. It smelled just like Tuesday night dinner at my Maw-Maw’s house. Walking into the kitchen, I fully expected her to be there at the stove stirring a pot of red beans with ham hocks.

The next morning my home still smelled like it, and it was like she was with me while I showered and got dressed. It was comforting. Of course it was, I love my grandmother very much. But what about the memories you don’t love? What about the times you’ve stuck your foot in your mouth? What about the time you were tyrannically insistent about something and turned out to be wrong? What about the time you cheated on your significant other? What about the time you were dumped?

If you really want to remember something — especially memorization — context is highly valuable. In graduate school, I always tried to study for midterms and finals in the classrooms in which the exam would later be given because cognitive research shows we’re more likely to recall the information we studied in that same space.

By that same token, a recent fMRI study found that we are able to push memories out of our minds by changing the mental representations of contextual information associated with the event. It’s not that we forgot all memories that are filled with shame, regret, and embarrassment. It’s that we’re not encoding it like more favorable memories. We’re not fully soaking in the context — the environment — of the event because we’re not interested in recalling it. For instance, every time you wear your favorite socks with the ladybugs on them, you don’t want it to remind you of your very messy breakup in 2008.

Several months ago, I passed a woman walking a dog, talking on the phone, and carrying an enormous smoothie. The dog got spooked about something and took off, dragging the girl towards the street. She tripped and slammed shoulder-first into a parked car. The smoothie exploded everywhere. She screamed the dog’s name as he took off across the street. She stuffed her phone into her bra and hobbled after him with a now-broken flip flop falling off her left foot. The dog slowed down and she managed to grab his leash.

I looked down at the smoothie all over the car, all over the grass, and my mouth was still hanging open in shock. I imagine this is something she’s already filed away in the “Forget Immediately” folder.

Whenever she has another PB&J smoothie or buys a pair of flip-flops, she doesn’t think about the time her dog almost drug her into traffic. She may not recall whether anyone else was around to see the incident. She’s not nailing the memory down with context. When she walks on that particular block, she might remember what happened. But as the years go by it will be foggier and foggier.

The Dartmouth study explains a lot about our personal histories. Often something takes a turn “for the worse” but we adapt and persevere. Over time that incident doesn’t even feel like a bad thing. It might be an event that changed the course of your life, but you always make the best of it. Breakups, layoffs, accidents, failures, illnesses, injuries, even the most traumatic life events can be overcome and even embraced.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” — Gilda Radner

Microvector/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/27/the-beauty-of-intentional-forgetting/

Senate Summit on Mental Health #MentalHealthReform & A Patchwork of Care

It’s time for mental health reform in the United States. And at the Senate Summit on Mental Health, a bipartisan meeting organized by Senators Bill Cassidy (R-LA) and Chris Murphy (D-CT), we learned exactly what is propelling the need for action.

This is important stuff in the U.S. — really important — on par with the parity efforts that made headlines years ago. (Parity was the legislation needed to ensure that insurance companies stopped discriminating against mental illness, which they had regularly done since the 1990s.)

“It’s not the end… [but] it’s a great next step,” said Sen. Cassidy, speaking at the Summit on the latest revision of the bill.

The Mental Health Reform Act of 2016

Unlike a separate House bill that was trying to gain traction (HR 2646), the Senate version has no controversial provisions or attempts at remaking (or significantly expanding) the federal bureaucracy. It simply expands the money provided to states for treatment of mental illness and mental health issues and fixes some long-standing problems in how mental health care is defined and can be treated.

“We focused on three specific issue: A lack of resources, lack of coordination, lack of focus on continuing stigma,” said Sen. Murphy. The highlights of the Senate bill are:

• Intends to improve coordination between federal agencies and departments that provide services for individuals with mental illness, and will improve accountability and evaluation of mental health programs.
• Will help ensure that federal dollars support states in providing quality mental health care for individuals suffering from mental illness by updating block grants given to states.
• Ensures people incorporate the most up-to-date approaches for treating mental illness, and requires that agency leadership include mental health professionals who have practical clinical experience.
• Increases access to care for individuals including veterans, homeless individuals, women, and children. It also helps improve the training for those who care for those with mental illnesses. It promotes better enforcement of existing mental health parity laws.
• Continues to help the effort to move people from jails and prisons into appropriate mental health treatment programs.

The latest markup of the bill also:

• Helps improve mental health programs targeting children and teens.
• Reauthorizes money for suicide resources.
• Fights opioid addiction and the growing epidemic of opioids.
• Provides grant money to help fight mental illness on university campuses.

“What we’ve got is a pretty good consensus in dealing with the mental health crisis,” said Sen. Lamar Alexander, who is helping to move the bill through the sometimes-tortured Senate legislative process.

Mental Health Treatment Today: A Patchwork of Care

Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) told the story about a friend who compared the health care she received while pregnant versus the care she got while seeking mental health treatment.

“[She was just taken aback by] the difference between the coordinated care she got for her pregnancy and the disjointed patchwork of care in the mental health system.” said Sen. Murray. “The mental health crisis in this country is a challenge that we cannot afford to ignore.”

“We need better coordination, better discharge planning, and a closer link between families and providers,” she noted.

Research & The Price of Inaction

One presentation made by the director of the Harvard Global Health Institute, Dr. Ashish Jha, noted that we end up spending way more in Medicare costs when we ignore the impact of mental illness on physical health and disease.

The upshot from that presentation was that:

• Spending in Medicare is highly concentrated.
• Mental health issues are especially common in the “high cost” patient groups.
• There are three complex, interlinked issues: how much of spending is directly related to mental health; does mental health issues affect spending for other diseases; how much do mental health issues remain under-diagnosed.
• Ignoring mental health issues is hugely costly to us.

“If we do not address mental health in a comprehensive way, we pay more,” notes Dr. Ben Miller, who was also on the panel.

What is the entry point for mental health treatment? It seems to be primary care. In one study, 49 percent of patients see only their primary care physician for a mental health condition, while 18 percent saw no one.

Dr. Peter Jacoby, head of emergency medicine in a Connecticut hospital, had one of the more eye-opening statistics of the day: “21 out of 32 beds in my ER right now in Waterbury, CT are being taken up by psychiatric patients. [… And] five of them are children or adolescents.”

At the end of the summit, NAMI, Sandy Hook Promise, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and the Eating Disorders Coalition presented 200,000 signatures in support of this legislation.

Here’s hoping to its eventual passage. Psych Central supports the Mental Health Reform Act of 2016 (S. 2680) because it is a smart, thoughtful, incremental step forward.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/27/senate-summit-on-mental-health-mentalhealthreform-a-patchwork-of-care/

Best of Our Blogs: May 27, 2016

I’m a lot better than I once was. But when it comes to self-compassion I’m still a work-in-progress.

If you’ve ever met a tough inner voice with excuses, defense statements and harsh accusations, then you’re probably seeking help too.

You can’t solve the problem by beating yourself up. You can’t get answers with food, distractions and perfectionism. I know because I’ve tried it. You can’t get happy or find peace until you address that deeper issue of self-worth.

There’s no fast and easy solutions. Before you set boundaries, help your anxious child and heal your relationship with food, you need to work on this primary relationship.

To create the life you crave, you need to practice being kind to the most important and consistent person in your life-yourself.

11 Ways Narcissists Use Shame to Control
(The Exhausted Woman) – You’re being controlled, but all you feel is shame. Here are the tactics narcissists use to put you in your place.

10 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries
(Happily Imperfect) – To establish a better relationship, you need to establish healthy boundaries. If you’ve tried and it hasn’t worked, you might have skipped or missed one of these key steps.

How to Consciously Parent an Anxious Child with 3 Powerful Tools
(Stress Better) – It is heartbreaking to watch your child struggle. You want to help them, but this says it’s imperative that you first change yourself.

Male Borderline Personality Disorder: What You Should Know
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – It’s often misdiagnosed as Attention Deficit Disorder or oppositional defiant disorder. Here’s how to tell whether the man in your life is suffering from BPD.

Unloved Daughters and Food: Feeding the Hole in Your Heart?
(Knotted) – It’s the thing that is suppose to nourish you. But for some daughters, it was a tool for shaming, controlling and manipulation. This could explain your complicated relationship with food.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/27/best-of-our-blogs-may-27-2016/

5 Tips to Stop Panic Attacks in Their Tracks

Quiet your mind, calm your heart… and reclaim your life.

You wake up one morning, happy that your life is finally on track. After enduring one painful break up after another, you’re finally free of deadbeat guys and loser relationships.

Months of fighting and bickering are finally over, and for the first time in a long time, you’re elated — comfortable in your own surroundings and not carrying the dead weight of a man who could never be your one and only.

But even under the veil of turning lemons into lemonade, something isn’t right.

10 Things Your Friend With Anxiety Wants You to Know

You don’t feel completely in control and at times you even feel breathless, like your heart is racing like a steam engine; a feeling of dread and panic sweep all over you. Before you know it, you’re gasping for breath, while your heart is pounding away.

It’s a tailspin of emotions: Are you going to die? Collapse? Go mad?

Your heart feels like it’s about to burst. You’re immobilized and stuck in place, incapable of doing anything. All alone, all you can think to do is bend down and pray it will go away and that the nightmare will end.

Then, just as suddenly as it came on, your heart slows down; your breathing gets easier and those dreadful, horrendous thoughts about dying ebb away. It’s a relief, you’re going to make it. You are normal once more.

For now.

What’s going on in these cases is not a heart attack, but rather something equally as challenging to your way of life, it’s called panic disorder. For many, looking for a solution first involves a trip to the ER. But after countless visits to the doctor and prescriptions that make you feel like a zombie, you know two things: You suffer from panic attacks and the primary panic disorder treatment is medication.

Problem is, the meds make you feel listless and devoid of your personality. You’re not quite the “Walking Dead,” but at times it feels like it. So you decide to see if you can endure it on your own. But these panic feelings always return. Sometimes worse, sometimes a mere fraction of what’s possible in the worst of times.

One thing is for sure, when it comes to suffering from panic attacks, you’re not alone. According to the American Journal of Psychiatry, some 5 percent of women and 2 percent of men have had panics at one time or another within a lifetime. Some conditions persist for years. Others come and go based on stress or other underlying challenges.

So if medication isn’t working for you, what else you can you do?

The short answer is that medication as a panic disorder treatment does relieve suffering and pain in the short term. But it is not the long-term solution for everyone. Most therapists agree that the combination of medication and behavioral/perceptual change that make the difference.

If you’re looking for alternative panic disorder treatments, here are some strategies:

1. Recognize That Your Panic Attack Is the Stress Response.

In fact, your panic attack is identical in every aspect of what happens when we feel under attack.

Think about it, the human response to a threat or imminent danger (imagine real danger — you’re being chased by a bear or attacked by bees), in those moments, our immediate and instinctive reaction is to panic.

The reaction in your brain is one in the same, when you have a panic attack: The amygdala is activated causing a variety of symptoms that we associate with being in severe danger. When you experienced a panic attack you experience this same response, as if it were real and you had to immediately get out of harm’s way.

Once you understand this, you will know how to reverse a panic attack.

2. Use Relaxation Techniques.

To extinguish a panic attack, you need to activate a relaxation response. That’s why breathing exercises are effective.

But there are a lot of other techniques that can induce the relaxation response, including: relaxing your muscles, calming your thought processes, resting and in some cases, exercise can harnesses the energy of the panic and eventually deliver a relaxing response.

In an ideal setting, it’s best to learn many different ways to calm your mind/body. It’s rarely a one-size-fits-all approach. Try many things to see what works best for you.

3. Work On Your Negative Thoughts.

When you have panic attacks, they fuel your negative thoughts, which in turn aggravate your panic attacks. So, if you have negative thoughts, your panic attacks will get worse, rather than get better.

Reducing and eliminating toxic thinking is an effective way to stop panic attacks in your life. There are a lot of techniques that allow you to do that including challenging negative thoughts, installing positive thoughts and rehearsing positive thoughts and conditioning yourself to be positive among others.

12 Things Only People With Anxiety Can Teach You About Life

4. Deal With the Panic Triggers.

Some people know exactly what can trigger their panic attacks. They can even remember the original incident or what event caused the first panic attack to occur.

To heal the past from causing deeper panic to set in, you need to detoxify your memory of your triggers, especially if a trigger truly isn’t life threatening at all. Reach out of you need help.

5. Pace Your Life.

Living a life full of anxiety and stress makes you prone to panic attack. If your environment is super stressful, consider how you can change your life so it’s more calm and productive.

By living a life of stress and anxiety, you are truly short-changing yourself. Isn’t it time to stop doing this, and learn to be effective in whatever you are doing? It’s also the path to conquer your panic attacks.

To me, although panic disorder is a definitive diagnosis, having panic attacks is not just a problem you have to deal with forever.

Panic attacks and panic disorder are indicators that something is not-quite right in your life.

It could be a past psychological trauma that still needs to be healed. That’s why for some people panic attacks are a lifelong affliction, because they avoid dealing with the pain and finding a way to truly move past it.

The big question you need to ask yourself is this: Are the panic attacks you are experiencing an indication of ongoing continuing stressors in your life, or just some past posttraumatic stress? Depending on your answer, you have to do some work to do in order to lead the life you most want to love.

Just know this, you’re not alone and help can be found by advocating for yourself. If I can help you, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Ways To Train Your Brain To Stop Panic Attacks BEFORE They Start.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/26/5-tips-to-stop-panic-attacks-in-their-tracks/

Calling All Perfectionists

In my obsession with perfection, I forgot a valuable life lesson: pretty good can be perfection too.

Adventurous and fun-loving and driven and studious, I have sought it all. The dreamy vacation, the fulfilling career, the steamy romance. But the mind has always craved more.

Growing up, I would spend hours poring over an essay. I rehearsed clever rejoinders before dates. I would analyze events from 2002. I am laughing and cringing at these memories.

I was comfortable in my skin as long as I met my own exacting standards.

College, with its whirlwind of courses, activities, and temptations, was exhilarating. I loved it — the engaging discussions, the bucolic setting, and rabid school spirit.

It is also where my mental health issues emerged. My quest for perfection would blaze a long, winding road.

For the past decade, I have doggedly pursued mental health remedies. Individual therapy, group sessions, medication. I was determined to feel good. In my quest for good, I forgot that pretty good can be perfection too.

Swimming with a bunch of sharks and piranhas, my mental health nosedived during law school orientation. In law school’s self-contained world, every class, presentation, and exam seemed deathly important. At semester’s end, I was a disheveled, distracted mess.

As I reviewed end of semester exams, my perfectionistic tendencies enveloped me. If a friend struggled in a class, it was permissible, even acceptable. “These classes are tough. You busted your ass and should be proud of the effort you put forth,” I reassured a study buddy. When I struggled? My sensitive soul transformed into a demanding dictator. The cure: medication. Or so it seemed.

My personality mix of persistent, stubborn, and resilient is a potent cocktail. Persuasive and personable, I would press my psychiatrist for the latest medication. He would oblige. Speeding to the local pharmacy, I believed the latest prescription would be the antidote.

Within eight weeks, my mood had dipped and energy level waned. Dejectedly, I scheduled another appointment with the psychiatrist. He would prescribe another medication; again I would bolt to the nearest pharmacy. Within weeks, I would complain of sagging energy and erratic mood. A bundle of volatile emotions, this pattern continued for years as I cycled through multiple psychiatrists. As I chased perfection, I was mired in a never-ending race.

I was running on empty. Frustration seeping out of my pores, life’s marathon nearly grounded me. Family dissension, mental health issues, my mother’s passing, and employment instability were overwhelming.

Insert Dr. McCann. “There is nothing wrong with you,” my counselor commented. Her gaze fixed on me. “Matt, you overthink things.”

Mouth agape, I stared at her. After years of mental torment, something must be wrong with me. I was sure of it.

Identifying unhealthy core beliefs, Dr. McCann and I slowly unpeeled my past. With her help, I have made significant strides. She is tough, unapologetic, and encouraging.

There is nothing wrong with me. Not a thing. And there is nothing wrong with you, either.

It has taken me years to realize that. Pretty good, if I don’t say so myself. Welcome to my new perfection.

Dmytro Sidelnikov/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/26/calling-all-perfectionists/