Emotional Strength Doesn’t Come from Ignoring Your Feelings

Going about our lives emotionlessly is robotic at best and, at worst, sociopathic.

It’s pathetic that the trope of the strong, independent woman who lacks any emotion except intense ferocity is still a thing we subscribe to at all. When strong fictional female characters on screen show compassion, lust or grief, it’s considered a “moment of weakness.”

5 Steps To Opening Up Emotionally In Your Relationship

In our daily lives, women are constantly told not to “get emotional” if we want to be taken seriously. This may be an oversimplification of the matter, but the point stands that, in our society, to show any emotion besides “determined, ambitious passion” somehow translates to weakness. And it’s bullsh*t.

A strong person can encounter an intense emotion, feel it deeply, control it, and use it as fuel to make the world a better place. The sad truth is that most people are terrified of uncomfortable feelings, both in themselves and especially in others.

Humanity is quick to dismiss an individual who exudes mental despair — only the strongest people have the compassion to run toward this type of distress and provide authentic comfort. This is rare.

Ignoring your feelings won’t make you stronger; in fact, just the opposite. Going about our lives emotionlessly is robotic at best, and, at worst, sociopathic. Ultimately, it’s a cowardly way to live and, as science has shown repeatedly, detrimental to our health.

Your feelings are there for a reason: to act like a rudder to navigate your life. Taking time to honor them not only spares you from unexpected, messy meltdowns, but it’s also the secret to creating your truest, happiest life.

This is not to say that emotions aren’t terrifying or really, really painful to deal with at times; they absolutely are. That’s what makes so many of us run away from them in the first place. But looking at them head-on, figuring out where they originate, and using them to propel you forward takes courage.

It also takes incredible discipline to feel sometimes devastating emotions and not lose yourself in them completely — a skill most people never have the strength to develop.

This enormous scope of emotion is among the greatest gifts we have as humans. It’s way past time to stop feeling too ashamed to fully experience this very natural tool for self-discovery just because those around us are afraid.

25 Things Ambitious, Get-What-They-Want Women Do WAY Differently

Dig deep. Feel what you need to feel (soberly and without hurting anyone). Use it to learn about yourself and live the life you’ll be happiest with. And don’t waste too much time on anyone who’s still afraid of tears or anger. Just don’t let them convince you that you’re the weak one.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Being Emotionally Strong Doesn’t Mean Ignoring Your Feelings.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/31/emotional-strength-doesnt-come-from-ignoring-your-feelings/

Mental Health: The Biggest Company Perk

“Working yourself to death?” your friend teases.

In America, this is more than a hackneyed expression. We stifle yawns on our morning commute; we slump into cramped seats on our way home. In between, our mental health hemorrhages. Yes, we are accessories to our mental health crisis.

The average American is overworked, clocking in at 47 per hours per week. In the legal and medical professions, young lawyers and doctors surpass 100 hours per week. Half of salaried employers average 50 or more hours per week.

Striving for the next promotion, raise, and title, stress and mental health issues are ancillary. We mythologize stress; it is a necessary ingredient to scale the corporate ladder. Hard-charging professionals boast about sacrificing sleep for spreadsheets. Amazon, in an infamous New York Times op-ed, brags about its workaholic culture. Its company ethos: work hard, play less. And if you question its turbo-charged culture, you can find serenity in your next position.

Sensing sagging morale among bleary-eyed staffers, well-meaning employers place foosball tables and complimentary snacks in posh break rooms. Other employers offer unlimited vacation time. But amidst the workplace soirees and complimentary baseball tickets, there is a tacit understanding: discuss mental health issues at your own peril.

The on-campus dry cleaning and complimentary tai chi classes are well-received perks. But they obscure the overarching issue: mental health stressors are compromising the American workforce. The statistics are sobering. According to an Impact of Depression at Work Audit study, a quarter of American workers have a diagnosable mental health issue. Nearly 40 percent of employees take 10 days off per year as a result of a mental health condition.

Mental health, despite its prevalence, remains a taboo subject within the American workforce. In today’s competitive workforce, employees are loathe to divulge mental health tribulations. They — rightfully so — fear employer reprisals and stigmatization.

Employers, meanwhile, offer limited, if any, accommodations to employees. Corporate wellness programs target diet, not depression. In the pressurized job market, productivity remains the benchmark. Mental health connotes weakness and unreliability; it is a convenient excuse for disinterested malcontents. “If you can’t do the job, we will find someone who can,” a callous employer disparages a chastened employee battling mental health issues. The unspoken consensus on mental health: you are on your own.

Employers and employees perpetuate this vicious cycle. Employers, disparaging mental health, cycle through “unproductive” employees. These employees, mischaracterized as malingerers, are unceremoniously dismissed. The economic fallout: an estimated $23 billion.

Meanwhile, employees, fearful of retribution, conceal their mental health diagnosis. Masking depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder, inconsistency marks their performance. Some days the employer earns glowing reviews for his dedication; other days he arrives two hours late for the shareholder meeting. Employers, without any knowledge of an employee’s mental health trials, react punitively to the perceived insubordination. The result: talented workers jettisoned from position to position.

Here’s the sad irony: Companies spend millions in employee welfare, from gleaming campuses to the latest software upgrades. But when it comes to actual employee welfare, there is a fundamental disconnect between mental health and company performance. Company performance encompasses both the latest NASDAQ report and employers’ emotional well-being. Over 23 million Americans are nodding in agreement.

References

Saad, L. (2014, August 29). The 40-Hour Workweek Is Actually Longer — by Seven Hours. Retrieved from http://www.gallup.com/poll/175286/hour-workweek-actually-longer-seven-hours.aspx.

Kantor, J. and Streitfeld, D. (2015, August 15). Inside Amazon: Wrestling Big Ideas In a Bruising Workforce. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/16/technology/inside-amazon-wrestling-big-ideas-in-a-bruising-workplace.html?_r=0.

Investopedia (2013, 10 July). The Causes and Costs of Absenteeism in the Workplace. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/investopedia/2013/07/10/the-causes-and-costs-of-absenteeism-in-the-workplace/#1d4ddb4b3bd3.

Witters, D., Liu, D. & Agrawal, S. (2013, July 24). Depression Costs U.S. Workforce $23 Billion in Absenteeism. Retrieved from http://www.gallup.com/poll/163619/depression-costs-workplaces-billion-absenteeism.aspx.

Kasia Bialasiewicz/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/31/mental-health-the-biggest-company-perk/

The Long-Term Effects of Adult Sibling Bullying

You know that sinking feeling all too well. You’re expected to make an appearance at an upcoming family gathering, and you just know your sibling will be there — putting you down, as usual.

While some parents see bullying among their children as a normal form of sibling rivalry, few people realize that, in many families, it can continue well into adulthood.

So, what is it and why does it occur?

Sibling bullying can take many forms, but it is always done with the intention of shaming, belittling or excluding their victim. It can include name calling, threats, constant teasing and enlisting other siblings to join them in the bullying.

Bullying among siblings can occur because parents don’t take it seriously, assuming it is just a phase or that it is natural for siblings to fight and squabble among themselves. More often than not, though, bullying takes root within families where abuse and bullying tactics are practiced by the parents.

Children are wired to imitate the behavior they see around them, so it is no surprise that a child who is being bullied by an abusive parent goes on to bully others. As is so often the case with bullies, it will be those even less powerful than they are, such as younger siblings or classmates, who end up being the target. The child may also resort to various forms of bullying as a way of venting the frustration they feel at their parent’s ill treatment of them, but which they are powerless to stop.

Relationship dynamics between the bully and the victim often remain unchanged from childhood into adulthood. The bully continues to victimize their sibling because having someone to pick on boosts their own fragile sense of self-worth. The victim, worn down by years of ill treatment at the hands of their sibling, may feel resentful, but may also be at a loss as to how to change the situation, thus allowing the abuse to continue.

The bully may have become so used to having a sibling who can’t or won’t defend themselves that they don’t want the dynamic between them to change and become more healthy. Having someone to blame for their problems or take their frustration out on suits the bully and so they deliberately resist any attempts at sincere reconciliation.

After many attempts at trying to have a healthy relationship with the bullying sibling, most victims simply give up and accept the situation, however miserable it makes them. Some take the drastic, but necessary measure of avoiding contact with their sibling.

Estrangement between adult siblings is not as uncommon as most people think, with a recent study at Cornell University finding that one in ten adults have one or more family members from whom they are estranged. For many people in this situation, it is a last resort and one they may grapple with for years before finally taking the plunge. However, most report feeling a strong sense of relief that they no longer have to endure their bullying sibling’s behavior.

Luis Santos/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/31/the-long-term-effects-of-adult-sibling-bullying/

The College Triangle: Finding Balance Without Abusing Your Body

I remember the day I turned 18 like it was yesterday. It came with a feeling of power and determination and the opportunity to finally put to use all of those things I knew to be true. I was young, dumb and, well, you can finish that phrase in your head.

We spend our teen years so sure of things. Those of us lucky enough to have nurturing, caring parents grew up in a cocoon of love and support. Our conceptions of the world are based on rose-tinted glasses telling us how the world should work.

I always got the usual eye rolls when I claimed something as fact that clearly wasn’t true. But now I was free to prove everyone wrong. I knew how the world worked and I was going to make it work for me. So, I didn’t need anyone’s help, right?

I was off to school. I had the freedom to stay out late and decide how I’d spend my free time. I could even choose not to go to class and make all of my time free time. I understood the value of an education, as I had seen my parents struggle growing up, so there was no way I was going to lose out on a world-class education.

But, I had the same theory every other freshman had. I believed I could stay out all night partying and still wake up for class in the morning without letting my grades slip. For all of you soon-to-be freshmen out there, I would like to draw your attention to what I like to call the “College Triangle Dilemma.”

I found myself choosing to have a vibrant social life while still getting good grades. That meant very little sleep. So, I turned to energy drinks. Lots and lots of energy drinks in the morning and afternoon would keep me fully awake in class. I swear, there were times where I could literally see sounds.

But chugging energy drinks meant that when I desperately needed sleep I couldn’t simply doze off. I turned to heavily drinking alcohol before bed. A couple screwdrivers would usually do the trick. I found that I could crash virtually on demand. Blacking out from alcohol is a very predictable way to fall asleep.

I was developing unhealthy habits. The more I relied on stimulants and sedatives to control my sleep/wake cycle, the more I was losing control and requiring heavier doses. My tolerance was my worst enemy. I kept drinking, consuming and sometimes even shooting more and more.

Amazingly, I earned a 4.0 GPA that year, but winter break was a disaster. Coming home for a few weeks meant my parents could monitor me.

Summer break was even worse. Months of trying to smuggle a case of Red Bull and vodka into the house wasn’t easy. Plus, my parents knew I was a bit “off.” My personality had warped into a more dependent version of me. If my levels weren’t just right, I was moody and incredibly mean. I knew I couldn’t keep poisoning my body. I knew I needed help.

The last thing I wanted to do was admit that I had failed to my parents. My grades were amazing and I had lots of friends, but mentally I was losing it. How could I admit that I needed help when I so desperately needed to show them I really was smarter than them and knew how the world worked?

I started Googling for answers. I thought that I could just go cold turkey and break the cycle. Some people can, some people can’t. Withdrawal can take weeks, months, or years.

Going back to school in a few months meant I needed answers quickly. So, I gave in. I asked for help and I had a long, painful conversation with my family. To my surprise they were supportive.

Recovery cost me a year of my education. I stayed at home and worked part-time at a grocery store to make ends meet. Then, when I was ready, I returned to school with a newfound respect for the “College Triangle.” I focused on finding balance, even when it was hard to say no to hanging out with friends. Creating a schedule for studying and sleeping allowed me to better budget my free time. Calibration is tough, but developing the willpower to balance yourself in the real world is a lifelong skill.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/30/the-college-triangle-finding-balance-without-abusing-your-body/

Video: Building a Resilience Toolbox

Resilience is one of the most useful skills there is. Having bad things happen to me and being able to bounce back without getting caught up in negative thoughts? Where do I sign up for that?

But even though we talk about “resilience” like it’s one thing, it might be more accurate to say that resilience is a collection of different coping skills. The more of these coping skills we accumulate, the more resilient we become.

It’s hard to just become more resilient but adding new coping skills to your resilience toolbox one at a time is a less daunting task.

For example, one skill to have in your resilience toolbox might be going out of your way to treat other people with kindness and generosity when you’re feeling down. Doing so builds resilience because even on days when negative things are happening in your life, you can still bring positivity to other people’s lives, which will make you feel good and in turn bring some positivity back to your life.

Similarly, you could work on building resilience by finding activities that create meaning in your life. You might discover that the more you have stable things in your life that give you a sense of ongoing purpose, the less you’ll be able to get blown off course by other bad things that happen to you.

Which coping skills turn out to be the most powerful tools in your resilience toolbox will be unique to you, so a little trial and error is called for. If you try as many different resilience-building coping tools as possible, you can keep the ones that work for your toolbox and throw out the rest.

So where do I find these resilience-building tools anyway? Not to worry. Ask the Therapists Marie Hartwell-Walker and Daniel J. Tomasulo have your back.

In this video, they describe several coping skills for developing resilience. Watch the video below, and visit Psych Central’s YouTube channel for more Ask the Therapist videos.

Alexsnail/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/30/video-building-a-resilience-toolbox/

Psychology Around the Net: July 30, 2016

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

It’s the last weekend of July so I hope you’re all going to go out and make the most of it!

Right after you check out our latest mental health news updates, of course, wink wink. Keep reading for new information on the psychology of superstition and luck, research regarding transgender and mental illness, ways to find happiness in today’s tumultuous times, and more.

The Psychology of Luck: How Superstition Can Help You Win: According to Stuart Vyse, psychologist and author of Believing in Magic: The Psychology of Superstition, lucky objects or rituals we perform for luck give us a feeling of security and “an illusion of control.” Vyse adds, however, that a “generally positive attitude towards life” seems to make more happy events happen for a person.

Psychiatry in the Streets: Unique Services for People Experiencing Homelessness: “As a practice, Street Medicine is the ‘provision of medical care directly to those living and sleeping on the streets through mobile services such as walking teams, medical vans, and outdoor clinics.’ This outreach tradition stretches back to the dawn of contemporary endemic homelessness, beginning in the early 1980s. Teams of professionals and workers who themselves are formerly homeless connect with people sleeping on the streets, methodically engage them, and help them obtain services, shelter, and housing.”

Being Transgender Is Not a Mental Disorder: Study: A new study has found that, rather than being the sole result of being transgender, it looks like the main source of transgender people’s mental distress comes from the violence and social rejection many of them suffer.

Anticipatory Stress of After-Hours Email Exhausting Employees: Many of us have been there. It’s around seven or eight o’clock in the evening and you know — you just know — that your boss is going to email you about something that really could — and should — wait until the next day’s work hours begin. According to “Exhausted But Unable to Disconnect,” a new study that will be presented during the August annual meeting of the Academy of Management, after-hours emailing negatively effects employees’ emotional states, causing them to experience “burnout” and a lack of work-family balance.

Teen Brain Scans Offer Clues to Timing of Mental Illness: According to Ed Bullmore, Head of Psychiatry at the University of Cambridge, generally the first signs of mental disorders such as depression and schizophrenia start showing during adolescence, and recent research suggests this is due to the rapid development of certain brain regions during this time: “This study gives us a clue why this is the case: It’s during these teenage years that those brain regions that have the strongest link to the schizophrenia risk genes are developing most rapidly.”

Happiness And Inner Peace During Turbulent Times: Unless you’ve been — no, you know what? — even if you have been living under a rock, you’re well aware of the extremely turbulent times our world has been experiencing recently. Marilyn Tam, a board-certified coach in executive, corporate, and leadership issues and the author of The Happiness Choice, has compiled a list of five tips you can try to help find your balance and happiness again.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/30/psychology-around-the-net-july-30-2016/

New Study Explains Why We Find Narcissists So Attractive

Why do we fall for them when we know we shouldn’t?

Narcissists LOVE themselves. And, unfortunately, according to science, we love them too, which doesn’t seem fair.

Shouldn’t there be something fundamentally unattractive about a person who finds themselves so damned attractive? Apparently not.

You’re Not The Kind Of Girl Who Settles — Keep Not Settling

Emanuel Jauk of Austria’s University of Graz published a study in the recent edition of the European Journal of Personality that confirmed our worst fears (and narcissists’ fondest desires):

People find narcissists more attractive than non-narcissists — at least, when it comes to dating.

Jauk set up a study involving 90 people who participated in a series of speed-dating meet-ups. (Speed-dating, though lame, acts as a good showcase to gather people’s immediate reactions to potential dating partners.)

Every participant was evaluated to determine their level of personal narcissism. They were also shown pictures of the other speed-dating participants and asked to rank their physical attractiveness. Jauk’s subjects then went through several rounds of speed dating (resulting in almost 700 “dates”) and then were asked to rate the people they interacted with.

They were asked to say whether they wanted to interact with each person in a short-term relationship — wonderfully described by the researchers as “arranging meetings purely for sex on an ad hoc basis” — OR a long-term relationship (a.k.a. let’s go to IKEA together and buy some bookshelves).

The results were very interesting. They clearly showed that, in dating situations, people LOVE narcissists. There were definite correlations between the people that men and women selected for short- and long-term relationships and their levels of narcissism. To quote a Guardian summary of the study, “those with the highest scores on the narcissism scale also tended to be perceived as most desirable by members of the opposite sex.”

While these results might be frustrating for all you non-narcissists out there looking for short- or long-term hook-ups, when you think about it, they shouldn’t be all that surprising.

There are DEFINITELY some factors about narcissists that will logically make them thrive in a dating environment. For starters, narcissists CARE what they look like. Like a lot. Like way too much. And, while that might be annoying as hell in the long-term (particularly if you have to share a bathroom with them), when it comes to dating, physical appearance DOES play a huge role in how we select a partner.

We live in a culture of very, very quick first impressions, where your decision to have sex with someone can be determined by whether or not you found their Tinder picture to be “swipeable.” So, if narcissists (due to their personal craziness) spend all day trying to make themselves look amazing, yes, that probably will favorably work in their favor when they’re out on the town, looking to hook up. It plays to their strengths.

Narcissists are also, by definition, kind of desperate for self-love. They need you to love them as much as they love themselves. And all that self-love means that they have a TON of experience SELLING themselves.

Every damn day, they look into a mirror and tell themselves that they are AWESOME. With all that practice, they’re going to get pretty good at it, which gives them a big sales advantage when it comes to pitching themselves to you. They know all their best angles. They thrive when it comes to presentation. They know how to make people LOVE them.

Does confidence also play a factor? Sure. People who are confident — and people who are smoking hot — have a big advantage when it comes to dating. But Jauk’s study is interesting because it shows that, in dating situations, confidence and physical attractiveness are only smaller factors in the larger narcissist game.

Strong Women Don’t Settle For Mediocre Men — They’d Rather Be Alone

The BIG reason it seems like narcissists thrive at dating is because all of the relative “symptoms” of narcissism — attention to physical appearance, flattery, extroversion — make it look like they’re making an effort to their potential partners. Narcissists get dates because it looks like they’re TRYING.

Which is something to keep in mind the next time you’re struggling to find someone special. Maybe you don’t have to transform yourself into a self-obsessed a**hole just to go home with the hot guy or girl at the bar. Maybe the key is just putting some effort into your appearance, your attitude, and your overall game. Because, c’mon, people — we can’t let those smug a**holes get all the good dates. Let’s take the best parts of self-love, try our hardest, and make things more difficult for the narcissists at Last Call, OK?

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: New Study Explains Why Narcissists Are SO Damn Attractive.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/29/new-study-explains-why-we-find-narcissists-so-attractive/

10 Ways to Prevent Mania and Hypomania

Bipolar disorder is one of the most difficult illnesses to treat because by addressing the depression part of the illness, you can inadvertently trigger mania or hypomania. Even in Bipolar II, where the hypomania is less destabilizing than the often-psychotic manic episodes of Bipolar I, persons often experience from a debilitating depression that can’t be lifted by mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Antidepressants, though, can cause a person with bipolar to cycle between hypomania and depression.

I have worked with psychiatrists who were too afraid of cycling to risk using antidepressants for bipolar patients. They put me strictly on mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. However, I did not get well. I stayed depressed, and all original thoughts in my brain vanished.

My current psychiatrist knows that depression is my primary threat, not so much the hypomania, so she was able to pull me out of the depression with the right combination of antidepressants, but is vigilant for any signs of hypomania.

Because I know how vulnerable I am to hypomania, I have learned several strategies to help me stay grounded. By making them part of my life, I have been able to take less lithium, my mood stabilizer, which ensures that I continue producing original thoughts and not get too medicated. Here are 10 tools I use to avert hypomania:

1. Practice Good Sleep Hygiene

Developing good sleep habits is by far the most potent tool for preventing mania and hypomania. There are a handful of studies documenting that sleep deprivation is associated with mania and hypomania. By going to bed at 10 every night and sleeping a good eight or nine hours, we have the power to stop rapid cycling and to reverse mania or hypomania.

In a study published in Biological Psychiatry a rapid-cycling patient was asked to remain on bed rest in the dark for 14 hours each night (gradually reduced to 10 hours). Times of sleeping and waking were recorded with sleep logs, polygraphic recordings, and computer-based event recordings. His sleep and mood stabilized when he adhered to a regimen of long nightly periods of enforced bed rest in the dark. The abstract’s conclusion: “Fostered sleep and stabilizing its timing by scheduling regular nightly periods of enforced bed rest in the dark may help to prevent mania and rapid cycling in bipolar patients.”

Good sleep hygiene means you go to bed at the same time every night, ideally before 10:30 p.m. — not one night 2 a.m. and another night 7 p.m.; you sleep at least eight hours a night; and you wake at the same time in the morning.

Since many folks with bipolar disorder have sleep disorders, a nighttime routine is often needed. For example, I shut down my computer at 8 p.m. and try not to check my emails or messages on my phone. Reading a disconcerting email at 9 p.m. will keep me up all night. It takes me a good two hours to calm down, so I get out the lavender oil around 8:30 p.m., pull out a real book (not an iBook), and begin to tell my body it needs to seriously chill out.

2. Limit Your Screen Time

CNN did a story a few years ago on iPads (or LCD screens) and sleep. Journalist John D. Sutter asked Phyllis Zee, MD, a neuroscience professor at Northwestern and director of the school’s Center for Sleep & Circadian Biology, if our gadgets can disturb sleep patterns and exacerbate insomnia. Dr. Zee said:

Potentially, yes, if you’re using [the iPad or a laptop] close to bedtime … that light can be sufficiently stimulating to the brain to make it more awake and delay your ability to sleep. And I think more importantly, it could also be sufficient to affect your circadian rhythm. This is the clock in your brain that determines when you sleep and when you wake up.

I absolutely know that to be true because for awhile I was reading iBooks for a half-hour before bed and staying awake until 2 a.m. My concern with LCD screens isn’t limited to bedtime. I know from people in my depression community that persons with bipolar disorder have to be careful with LCD screens at all times, as they can make the highly sensitive person hypomanic if the person doesn’t take a break from them. For me and for many fragile persons with bipolar, looking into an LCD screen for too long is like keeping your light therapy sunbox on all day. I made the mistake of firing up that baby from 9 p.m. to midnight right after I got it, and I did not sleep one iota the next day, and felt hypomanic all day long. Keep in mind that not only is the light stimulating, but so is all of the messages and tagging and poking — especially if you have as many social media handles as I do.

3. Avoid Certain People and Places

Most of us have a few people in our lives that appear as though they’ve downed three shots of espresso every time we see them. They are usually great fun and make us laugh. However, the hyperactivity isn’t what you need if you haven’t slept well in a few weeks and are trying to calm down your body and mind. Same goes with places. I don’t dare step foot inside the mall, for example, between Halloween and New Year’s. There is just too much stuff being forced in front of my face. I also hate Toys-R-Us. I still have nightmares about the time my husband pressed three dozen Tickle Me Elmos and the entire shelf began to shake.

4. Pay Attention to Your Body and Breathe Deeply

Before attending the mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) program modeled after the one developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, I did not pay attention to my body’s cues preceding a hypomanic episode. In fact, it was usually another person who would point out the embarrassing truth — like the time my editor wrote a letter to my doctor after I started publishing eight blogs a day thinking my traffic would go up. Now, though, when my heart races and I feel as though I have consumed eight cups of coffee, I know this is my opportunity to reverse my symptoms by doing lots of deep breathing exercises.

Of all the automatic functions of the body — cardiovascular, digestive, hormonal, glandular, immune — only the breath can be easily controlled voluntarily, explain Richard P. Brown, MD, and Patricia L. Gerbarg, MD, in their book The Healing Power of the Breath. They write:

By voluntarily changing the rate, depth, and pattern of breathing, we can change the messages being sent from the body’s respiratory system to the brain. In this way, breathing techniques provide a portal to the autonomic communication network through which we can, by changing our breathing patterns, send specific messages to the brain using the language of the body, a language the brain understands and to which it responds. Messages from the respiratory system have rapid, powerful effects on major brain centers involved in thought, emotion, and behavior.

5. Eliminate Caffeine

A good caffeine rush mimics hypomania. You feel more alive, more alert, like you could actually contribute something of worth to the world. That’s all fine and dandy except when you are teetering on the hypomanic edge. Caffeine can provide the ever-so-subtle push to the other side, especially if you aren’t sleeping well, which is when most people most crave caffeine. Stephen Cherniske, MS, calls caffeine “America’s number one drug” in his book Caffeine Blues because of the withdrawal our body goes through three hours after we’ve drank a cup of coffee or a Diet Coke. Persons with bipolar are even more sensitive to amphetamine-like substances that raise dopamine levels, so the safest way to prevent hypomania is to eliminate the stuff altogether.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/29/10-ways-to-prevent-mania-and-hypomania/

Best of Our Blogs: July 29, 2016

You’re here to learn how to cope, deal, or manage a problem. You might be stuck in the thick of it and trying to feel your way through. You’ve dealt with this your whole life or maybe this issue is new.

You’re focused on finding a solution. Sometimes you beat yourself up for not figuring things out. But of all the things that filter through your mind, I bet you don’t think about this. But you should.

Everyone has problems. But you’re not just reveling in it, you’re searching for support and solution. That makes you, dear reader, a warrior.

It’s not easy to deal with what you’re going through. But instead of burying or denying it, you’re here. That takes courage. As you read our posts on handling a narcissistic parent, ADHD, or depression, remember that. It’s okay to give yourself credit for wanting to better yourself and your situation even if you haven’t got it all figured out just yet.

How to Set Adult Boundaries with Narcissistic Parents
(The Exhausted Woman) – How do you protect yourself from the hurtful and damaging actions of a narcissistic parent? Read these five ways to establish boundaries and your on your way to building a healthier relationship.

Shocking New Findings About ADHD. You’ll Never Guess!
(ADHD Milllennial) – A research study finds several long-term effects of ADHD in women. But the real shocker is that it’s more surprising to those who don’t struggle with it than those who do.

How To Stop Fighting With Your Partner
(Healthy Romantic Relationships) – You’ve been fighting a lot lately. Does this mean you should say, “Goodbye,” or a just a sign your relationship needs attention?

Will Power – False Guilt’s Legacy
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – You’ve spent your childhood feeling guilt for things you shouldn’t have felt guilty for. Lenora shares what happens after enduring a lifetime of false guilt.

5 Reasons You May Still Be Depressed
(Dysfunction Interrupted) – You’ve seen therapists, doctors, and taken medication. Yet, you’re still depressed. This may explain why you’re still not feeling better.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/29/best-of-our-blogs-july-29-2016/

Higher Education: Mental Health as Elective

We all know him. He breezed to highest honors in computer science. For fun, he devoured English classics and starred in extracurricular activities.

Teachers fawned over him; the hometown newspaper lauded his academic triumphs. You admired and envied him.

He was destined to change the world. Now, sadly, he is changing your tires at a local car maintenance shop.

Home for the holidays, you retrace your high school haunts. Grabbing a sandwich at your favorite hangout, you spot him. Averting eye contact, he mumbles out a halfhearted greeting. You can hear the fatigue in his voice.

He pulls you aside. “Hey, do you mind if we grab a cup of coffee? It would be good to catch up.”

“Sure,” you stammer. “Let’s go grab a cup.”

After exchanging pleasantries, he sighs loudly and fidgets with his baseball cap. “You are probably wondering what happened,” he sighs.

The sentence lingers. He glances downward before continuing.

“Well, I went to Ivy University. Everything was immaculate. The professors were international leaders in their field. The students were scholars in their own right. It was exhilarating.”

“So, what happened?”

His eyes narrowing, “Well, I had a breakdown. Here in our town, everyone celebrated me for my otherworldly intelligence. But at Ivy, I was just your average smart guy. When I failed my mid-semester exam, my confidence — my identity — was shattered. I couldn’t rebound.”

He continued, “As my grades spiraled downhill, I started self-medicating. I withdrew from friends and acquaintances. By the end of the semester, I was a hermit — venturing outside for food, beer, and cigarettes.”

“Did you talk to anyone? A university counselor? What about a trained clinician at Student Health?”

“That’s the thing. I was clinically depressed; the depression immobilized me. But these topics are taboo at Ivy.”

“I mean, the college adjustment is tough on everyone. There aren’t counseling resources for first-year students struggling to adjust?” you asked with a tone of incredulity.

“There are, but among students, there is a justifiable reluctance to go,” he said with a caustic tone. “If you self-report, the university labels you and monitors any ‘indiscretion’ with their approved treatment plan. Ivy administrators prioritize their well-manicured grounds over student health. We both get stomped on.”

Ivy is symbolic of universities’ disparaging attitude toward mental health. University administrators characterize mental health as a public safety issue. Students at prestigious universities and colleges face sanctions — up to university eviction — for divulging mental health issues. In this stigmatized environment, students suffer silently, compounding their sense of isolation.

Yes, universities are profit-minded enterprises rightfully concerned about violence. The Virginia Tech massacre, where a disgruntled student took 32 innocent lives, is a haunting reminder. But universities, at their fundamental core, are change agents, tasked with examining dominant paradigms within classrooms, research labs, and administrative settings. In the process, universities tilt public opinion on topical issues such as mental health.

While more students seek mental health counseling, universities — and heavy-handed administrators — cling to convenient stereotypes. Research has disproved any connection between mental health and violence. Oddly enough, universities dismiss these findings. University administrators should revisit another entrenched stereotype: the callous academic administrator indifferent to student needs.

Reference

Baker, K. (11 November 2014). How Colleges Flunk Mental Health. Retrieved from http://www.newsweek.com/2014/02/14/how-colleges-flunk-mental-health-245492.html

fabioberti.it/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/28/higher-education-mental-health-as-elective/

Suicidal? Don’t Throw Away Your Shot

One of the most famous lines from the hit Broadway musical comes from the song, “My Shot” by Lin-Manuel Miranda. In it, Alexander Hamilton acknowledges he comes from a very different background than most Americans at the time. That his real only value to the world lies in his youth, scrappiness, hungriness to make his mark, and his brains.

“I am not throwing away my shot.” Although death eventually takes Hamilton, as it does with each of us, he recognizes that he has only one life to give in order to make his contributions count toward the American Revolution. While I’m not sure he was ever suicidal, there were times he probably ought to have been.

These lyrics inspired by Hamilton’s story can also act as an inspiration to those contemplating suicide.

We’ve all been in a place where our lives were seemingly full of nothing but pain. While not all of us have contemplated suicide, more have done so than you’d think have. Probably at least one of your closest friends has thought about it, maybe even seriously.

The problem with suicide is that we think of it as a perfectly reasonable option to our seemingly hopeless situation. But that’s really our brain tricking us and offering us a solution that’s really no solution at all. A very permanent solution to a relatively temporary feeling.

Later in the same song, Hamilton also speaks of thinking of his own inevitable death:

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory
When’s it gonna get me?
In my sleep? Seven feet ahead of me?
If I see it comin’, do I run or do I let it be?
Is it like a beat without a melody?
See, I never thought I’d live past twenty
Where I come from some get half as many
Ask anybody why we livin’ fast and we laugh, reach for a flask
We have to make this moment last, that’s plenty

We need to make this moment last, because we get so few of them on this planet. Sure, you can throw away your shot by choosing suicide over life. But in doing so, you’re also throwing away all of your potential of things that may be — that still could be — if only you could get through the next minute. The next hour. The next day.

All of that, just for a passing moment, a feeling that came on you, but one that can also leave just as quickly.

I don’t look at people who contemplate taking their own lives as being weak. I think they are being strong — some of the strongest people I’ve ever known.

But turning away from suicide? That’s real bravery that takes an inner strength not everyone has. Most people are never tested to the core of their depths like those who’ve thought seriously about suicide have. People who’ve thought about suicide and lived to tell about it — those people are my heroes.

Hamilton had little chance to make his mark on this planet. He was born on a Caribbean island with no formal schooling until he went to America to change his future chances by going to school and getting an education. I’m certain that this man felt many dark days in his life, as his life was torn apart by circumstances and his own poor choices in judgment.

And yet… He turned out to be one of the Founding Fathers of America. Without Hamilton’s advice, counsel, and leadership, it’s likely we’d be a very different nation than we are today (for the worse).

He resolved not to throw away his shot, despite his many chances to fade into the background when things got heated and his own honor was at stake. He didn’t choose suicide, he chose to continue living, to face the darkness head on, and to make the best of more than one really bad situation.

You can too. You always had that choice. You can either choose to throw away your shot and let the next person in line take your place in doing all the awesome, wonderful things you will still do one day… Or you can resolve not to throw away your shot. To stay with us one more day. To reach out to someone — anyone — and let them know you’re hurting and you’re in need of help.

Please, don’t throw away your shot.

 

If you’re feeling suicidal, please read this first. Join the Suicide Project to discuss your own suicidal story. Need to chat right now? Call toll-free 800-273-8255 or chat online now.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/28/suicidal-dont-throw-away-your-shot/

How to Stop ‘Fear of Missing Out’ from Ruining Your Career

You’ve felt it before. You’re at home on a Friday night with Shark Tank on the TV, a cold glass of Pinot Grigio in hand, feeling anxious and insecure instead of relaxed and self-assured, all because you glanced at your Instagram feed and saw the proof that all your friends, colleagues, and even your dorky younger cousin are living it up. So much for enjoying a rare night of rest and quiet, much-needed for mental restoration.

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is a powerful phenomenon, the 21st century equivalent of keeping up with the Joneses. Thanks to social media and digital technology, we’re faced with constant comparisons of our vacations, our clothes, our relationships, our social lives, even our life choices, with those of others. Naturally, that ever-present stream of perfection leaves us feeling sub-par.

You start to question and doubt yourself, thinking things like: where does she get those amazing power outfits? My desk looks like a disaster, not a pretty Pinterest board. I wish I could afford a week in the Mediterranean on the salary I make.

Letting FOMO lead you to feeling bad about your personal life is one thing. But letting it interfere with your career can be even more damaging.

A toxic offshoot of FOMO is what I call Opportunity FOMO — or fear of missing out when it comes to career and professional development. Constantly questioning and doubting elements of your work life can negatively impact your performance, your sense of job satisfaction and your work-life happiness.

Think you might suffer from Opportunity FOMO? Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you say yes to every single work-related opportunity that comes across your plate, justifying it by saying this may be a potential “big break”?
• Do you over-schedule yourself, committing to networking events or learning opportunities like webinars, classes or workshops because you’ll feel like a failure if you don’t devote every second of free time to propelling your career forward?
• Are you constantly questioning you work-life balance choices (like distractedly wondering what’s happening at the office while out to lunch with a co-worker, or checking your work email while relaxing with your spouse), thereby not fully being present in either area?
• Do you often have doubts about your professional path in comparison to those you see on Linkedin, hear about over happy hour with your college friends or read about on blogs?
• Do you frequently feel left out when you’re not included in a meeting or consulted on a decision?
• If you’re unable to attend a conference or event, are you anxious that won’t make valuable connections that could take your career to the next level?

If you’re honest with yourself and you think you may have fallen prey to Opportunity FOMO, it’s possible that you’re also experiencing Impostor Syndrome, a belief prevalent among high-powered working women in which you feel inadequate and unqualified for your role or status, living in constant fear of being “found out.” In other words: if you’re frenetically afraid of missing out on work opportunities, it could be because you’re even more deeply afraid that your colleagues may discover that you’re some kind of career con artist. (Rest assured: you’re not!)

Both Opportunity FOMO and Impostor Syndrome add extra stress to your life. But there’s hope. Refer to these strategies to help you calm down and put things in perspective.

Do a Social Media Reality Check

Let’s be real: clearly you can’t (and don’t want to) give up social media altogether. But you can train yourself to view it through a different lens. Here’s the thing: social media presents the best of someone’s life. Look through your own camera roll on your phone. Aren’t there at least a handful of photos you took in a given moment, then picked the one in the best light or with the coolest angle to actually post?

Each of our social media profiles provides the opportunity to curate a polished capsule of ourselves. We only tweet links to interesting articles that we wouldn’t be embarrassed to be caught reading. We post status updates of milestones we’re proud of or are secretly seeking attention over. We publish blog posts that portray us as smart, witty or accomplished. What you read on your screen is not the full reality.

Life is messy and complex. Career paths are not straight lines. And you have no idea how long someone saved up to afford that vacation to the Mediterranean (or how much she negotiated in her last job offer to be able to afford it).

Remember that Work Is Infinite, But Time Is Finite

Accept that you can’t do it all. Translation: you will definitely miss out on things. But it’s not going to kill you, or kill your career. It may help to repeat to remind yourself: “Work is infinite, but time is finite. ” True, there is always more you could be doing in your job. Yet the harder you gun it and the higher the standards you hold for yourself, the faster you’ll burn out.

Don’t teeter into workaholic territory. A meaningful life is composed of so much more than a job title and you’ll crush it in the workplace if you feel fulfilled outside of the workplace, too.

Dismantle the Delusion of Career FOMO

When you’re feeling fearful of missing out on job opportunities, whether it’s pining for a job in an up-and-coming industry or being passed over for a new executive leadership committee, put your investigative cap on and get more information. Things aren’t always what they seem and finding out more details might assuage your restlessness.

For example, if you’re stressed that a conference you can’t attend is going to be packed with prospective connections, email the organizers to get a sense of who exactly is attending. There’s a chance you’re exaggerating the prestige of the audience, causing yourself unnecessary worry and stress. If key influencers will be there, reach out (Check out Molly Ford’s RO strategy for an exact script) and leverage the fact that they’re in town to plan a meet-up that also accommodates your schedule as well. Win-win.

If you’re bummed you got passed over for a plum promotion that went (infuriatingly) to a coworker you can’t stand, ask your boss for more information. Are there any specific skills that would be smart for you to bone up on? Is there another growth path she had in mind for you, with your own promotion coming down the pipeline?

Or let’s say you’re jealous of a former colleague’s new job, or an industry your college alumnus works in. Ask for an informational interview. When you hear about the nitty gritty of the work, it may help you go from feeling like you’re missing out to being appreciative of your own current job.

Ultimately, living in a state of perpetual wishfulness isn’t productive. Letting Opportunity FOMO consume you isn’t going to ensure you’re a part of the coolest projects with the most connected people, maximizing your earning potential and making you feel fulfilled. That vision is just as unrealistic as the social media posts that make your friends’ lives look charmed.

Life’s just too short for FOMO. After all, YOLO.

 

Melody J. Wilding helps ambitious professionals and entrepreneurs master their inner psychology for success and happiness. Get free tools for better career and life balance at melodywilding.com.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/28/how-to-stop-fear-of-missing-out-from-ruining-your-career/

How to Use Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

Once we understood the brain as a fixed, static entity. Now we see it as a changeable, growing organ. This should give much encouragement to those who feel limited by their beliefs that they are somehow stuck in habitual patterns of thinking, since the brain itself can be rewired because of its neuroplasticity.

Before brain imaging was possible, many psychotherapists were already using cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help people reframe their experiences and learn to modulate emotions and thoughts to rewire their brain into healthier patterns. The idea behind the method is that “you become what you practice.”

If you are an observer of what you are thinking and why, you can pause and redirect your thoughts through self-awareness. For example, say something triggers you to become upset or anxious. When this starts to happen, instead of reacting the way you would usually do with the same thought patterns, you would teach yourself to pause and think through the reality of the situation and choose a better path of thinking.

Finding a psychotherapist who is familiar with CBT is much like going to a physical therapist and learning exercises that will help you strengthen an injured body part. You go for a few sessions until you learn how to do the exercises yourself, and then apply the techniques at home. A good “mind therapist” would be able to train you to use CBT — becoming aware of your motives, knowing your existing thought patterns and how to reframe things into healthier ways of thinking. You wouldn’t need to keep going to therapy once you become equipped to do this on your own.

A good psychotherapist, as a good physical therapist, would want to empower their client to empower themselves. You may feel as though you can’t measure growth or healing as well in the brain as an external body part, but a good measure of healing is that you will, over time, see that you respond differently to certain situations than you did before doing the work on yourself. You will indeed be able to measure growth.

In the day and age, where prescription drugs seem to be the quick and easy solution to coping, many others believe that CBT is the long-lasting and natural alternative. A good therapist will be able to explore and find the proper balance for their client. Prescription medication can only alter the chemical composition of the brain and not create new patterns of thinking. They also subdue the emotions so the client may not be able to fully engage in CBT treatment.

This is a tricky balance and should be done with a trained professional who has gained your trust. Always be wary of anyone who only assigns drugs and doesn’t explore other methods, especially since there is so much evidence now that CBT is a drug-free, long lasting solution. It takes some investment and hard work from you, but is well worth the effort. You will find yourself capable and strong over time!

Krisdog/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/28/how-to-use-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/

6 Reasons Why I Hate My Therapist

Editor’s Note: This is intended to be a humorous piece.

So just when you are getting sick and tired of all those people giving you heartache for no apparent reason at all, you decide to shoot yourself in the head and find yourself a therapist so that he can give you more heartache than all the people put together.

But there is one big difference between now and then: Earlier you were getting your heartache for free. This time you are paying for it.

Your therapist might be an ultimate sweetheart. He might be the only reason you get up in the morning. He might be the one who melts you quicker than snow in June. He might make your heart soar the moment you open that door. He might make you unbearably happy and sad at the same time. He might be the thread your life is hanging by. Yet the fact is, your therapist might also be the most annoying person you will ever know.

So brace yourself if you are in therapy. You might love your therapist with all your heart, but you might hate him, too. And here are six reasons why this might be true:

1. Too profound or too insensitive?
One thing I will never understand about my therapist is whether he is too profound or too insensitive. I really want to know what’s going on with this guy. Is he being deep when he appears not to care about my moral dilemmas, or is he simply zoning out in the middle of my middle-age crisis? Is he nurturing me by ignoring my puppy dog longings or is he simply manifesting typical man behavior by not noticing anything at all?

2. He sits behind his boundaries.
When he is not angering you by being profound/deep/insensitive/typical man, he is doing something else altogether. The guy just sits behind his boundaries and watches you go nuts all around him.

Your heart might be ripping into one million shreds, your soul might be disintegrating into nothingness, yet all this man will ever do is sit there and watch! Say something. Do something. Just anything that is not sitting there and doing nothing!

3. He won’t crack a smile.
So here you are feeling all loving and chummy and full of the inner glow of therapeutic love. You want to reach out and bring a smile to his face because in your vivid therapist related fantasies your therapist can really do with some nurturing of his own. But since the therapist has those stupid boundaries that are seriously detrimental to the realization of your wild fantasies, the best thing you can do is crack a silly joke and watch him break into a big grin. So you say something funny and spontaneous and cute and witty and make a joke about the sexiness of your therapist’s inner god; but all you get from him in return is a poker face with a blank stare.

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/27/6-reasons-why-i-hate-my-therapist/

How to Shift from Work Stress to Calm in 3 Seconds Flat

When you’re on the treadmill of workplace stress, it’s hard to exit the cycle of escalation. With deadlines to meet and bad bosses to appease, nothing you do seems good enough. It would be better if you didn’t work in that toxic job, but there’s always the specter of economic uncertainty haunting you, as well as the prospect of a long wait between jobs.

When you’re in a stuck place, the best resource you have is to harness your creativity to come up with a genius exit plan. For that you need a calm, clear mind. Enter the simple and easy three-second breathing technique to go from stressed to calm in three seconds flat.

When you get anxious, the central physiological response is one of overbreathing; which in turn increases oxygen levels in the brain. This overbreathing causes unpleasant physical sensations such as rapid heart rate and sweating.

In order to balance the oxygen levels in your brain and stop the anxiety from escalating, it’s essential to slow down your breathing. This can be done successfully by following these four simple steps:

1. Use the second hand of your watch to count to three seconds. Notice how long three seconds actually lasts. If you don’t have a second hand on your watch, simply count: “one thousand, two thousand, three thousand.”
2. While looking at your watch, breathe in for a count of three seconds.
3. Then breathe out for a count of three seconds.
4. Repeat this slow breathing for two minutes. Excuse yourself to visit the bathroom to practice this exercise if necessary.

By now your breathing will have slowed down and the oxygen levels in your brain will have been balanced.

Some important notes about this breathing technique: As with any new skill you learn, practice makes perfect. Although this technique seems simple, you must practice it at times when you are not feeling anxious. In this way, it will be easier for you to do when you really need it to lower your anxiety. Try practicing this technique two to three times a day over the next week.

Some breathing techniques involve complicated routines of breathing in the abdomen, stomach or lungs with varying times for each breath. Complications aren’t required in this breathing exercise. Just do whatever feels comfortable and right for you.

This breathing technique seems so simple, you could believe it won’t work, which isn’t the case. It’s taught at Sydney’s St. Vincent’s Hospital, one of the most prestigious anxiety clinics in Australia, because of its proven track record in lowering anxiety.

If you need a bit of extra help in calming your mind and enhancing your creativity, I recommend these five apps that I use myself on an almost daily basis. One of these apps gives you heaps more exercises to calm your mind and another can help to shift your mood instantly. The other three are essential to nurture your creativity — and two of them are free.

racorn/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/27/how-to-shift-from-work-stress-to-calm-in-3-seconds-flat/

Why Narcissistic Parents Infantilize Their Adult Children

One trait that nearly all narcissistic parents have in common is the need to infantilize their children. This can be as direct as making the child feel incompetent every time they try something new, or it can be as subtle as always stepping in and offering to do something they can clearly do for themselves.

Unfortunately, this behavior rarely stops even after the child becomes an adult. In fact, it can sometimes become worse as the narcissistic parent fears their children’s growing independence and the end of their narcissistic supply.

The Collins Dictionary defines infantilization as “the act of prolonging an infantile state in a person by treating them as an infant.” In other words, deliberately treating someone as being much younger than their actual age.

Narcissistic parents do this because they see their child as an extension of themselves. If the child begins to realize this, the narcissistic parent will use guilt, control, fear and any other tactic they can think of to bring the child back into line. This is why many of them find the teenage years unbearable as their growing adolescent demands to be allowed more freedom and control over their own life — the very thing the narcissistic parent feels most threatened by.

In order to combat this threat, the narcissistic parent will undermine their children’s growing independence in a variety of ways. This can include anything from giving them the message that they lack the ability to handle things on their own to talking down to them as if they were still a toddler.

Here are some other tried-and-true ways narcissistic parents infantilize their adult children:

• Disapproval.
  This can take the form of looks that silently tell you you have failed in their eyes or it can be pointed questions regarding your lifestyle choices or other decisions you have made. Almost any decision you have made without consulting them first will be met with disapproval. They do this to try to get you into the habit of running everything past them first, thus reinforcing their belief that you are incapable of making your own decisions.
• Interference.
  Many narcissistic parents believe they have the right to interfere in their adult children’s private lives. This can take the form of telling you who you should date — or that you’re not allowed to date. At the extreme end of the spectrum, narcissistic parents have been known to deliberately sabotage their adult child’s relationships.
• Excessive criticism.
  Excessive criticism is designed to destroy your self-confidence. Many narcissistic mothers do this to their daughters under the guise of ‘being helpful.’ Hurtful comments regarding your weight, clothing, choice of career, choice of partner or your ability to be a good parent to your own children are all ripe subjects for the narcissist mother to show that she knows what’s best for you, implying that you don’t.

Being infantilized by a narcissistic parent may have been such an integral part of some people’s lives that they may not even realize until they reach adulthood just how much they are enmeshed with their parent.

So how can you make a narcissistic parent stop treating you like a child?

Set boundaries.

There is nothing a narcissist hates more than being stood up to, but until you start setting some healthy boundaries, they will continue to control your life. Don’t overshare details of your private life with them or tell them anything they can later use as ammunition against you.

Have a few handy phrases ready.

Memorize four or five phrases you can use for any given situation. When your narcissistic mother starts telling you that’s not how she would do it, simply say in a respectful, but firm tone: “You have your way of doing things, and I have mine. And neither of us is wrong.”

Other phrases could include:

• “Thanks, but I can manage.”
• “That may be your opinion, but I don’t have to agree with it.”
• “That’s my decision and I’m not prepared to discuss it with you.”

By closing the conversation down, you deny the narcissist the chance to gain control of the situation.

Walk away.

If all else fails, leave the room. There is no point in arguing with a narcissist. They will never see your point of view and will always insist on being right. However, if the situation has become so toxic that your mental and physical health is suffering because of it, you may want to ask yourself if it’s worth having them in your life.

TunedIn/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/27/why-narcissistic-parents-infantilize-their-adult-children/

Getting to Know Your 3 Brains: Part Two

In Part 1 of this brain mini-series, I hoped to excite your desire to learn more about the brain. In this post, you will learn what you need to know to enhance your well-being.

To begin, think of yourself as having not just one brain but three brains:

1. your thinking brain;
2. your emotional brain;
3. your body brain.

Although they are all connected, they act and are very different. The thinking brain conjures your thoughts. The emotional brain is where emotions and impulses arise. The body brain causes changes in the body when emotions trigger. The body brain, therefore, controls changes in breathing, heart rate, muscular tension, stomach and gastrointestinal tension and so on. The job of the body brain is to ready our bodies for survival actions. You can see in the picture above how the body brain extends downward. It connects the brain to the whole body through the spinal cord.

Along with the three brains, we also have a Self. The Self is the core “you.” The Self is how you were born before the challenges of life shaped you for better and for worse. It is the part of you that, when fully accessed, says, “I feel like me!” People who have had excessive hardship may feel very disconnected from their Self. That is because the Self can hide if it feels threatened.

The Self notices what’s going on inside the mind and body, and frequently the two do not communicate. For example, the Self could say about the thinking brain, emotional brain and body brain respectively, “I am aware that I am thinking about what the weather will be tomorrow,” “I am aware that I am angry at my boss and I feel an impulse to call him names,” and “I am aware that I have butterflies in my stomach as I think about public speaking.” I strongly encourage you to practice using your Self to notice your thoughts, feelings, impulses and body sensations. The Self assimilates all the information to use for our greater good.

Why am I encouraging you to spend the emotional effort to notice what your three brains are doing? Because when the Self takes the time to notice what’s happening in three brains, change happens. The mere act of focusing attention on what you want to change, scientists theorize, causes brain cells to fire. Brain cells that fire, in turn, cause brain cells to rewire, leading to changes from small to transformational.

The Self can learn to question the three brains. Questioning leads to understanding, and understanding tells us what to do next to help ourselves. When the Self questions an emotion, it would ask, “What happened that just made me feel_________?” When it questions a thought, it would ask, “What made that worry-thought about ________________ (fill in the blank with a worry-thought) come up right now?” When it questions a physical sensation, it would ask, “What made my stomach tighten up now?” When we listen to the three brains, we have a better sense of what to do next. Building awareness, questioning, then working with what we learn always leads to growth and change.

Here is a simple metaphor to help illustrate how your three brains and your Self work together:

Picture an orchestra with three sections: horns, strings, and percussion. The sections correspond to the thinking brain, emotional brain, and body brain. Now add the conductor, who represents the Self.

The orchestra sounds much better when the conductor leads. Of course, the instruments can still play if the conductor is absent. The problem is that without the conductor, the instruments don’t play so well together because they are not coordinated. But when a maestro steps in, he or she creates the most beautiful and harmonious music. I want to help you all become maestros of your mind. As a maestro, you will have more power and control to help yourself and others during hard times.

To be a maestro, we need to be very familiar with the three brains. To start, our Self needs to learn to recognize the difference between a thought, a feeling, and a physical sensation. We work with each one differently. Then we must practice communicating effectively with the three brains. By befriending them and communicating with them in moments of distress, we can gain power and control to help ourselves. People who work with their three brains in this way feel more organized, and experience greater peace, calm and confidence.

In summary, awareness of the three brains allows us to work with them purposefully. When we are in touch simultaneously with thoughts, feelings and body sensations, it is easier to meet life’s challenges. When we know what we are feeling and can use our emotions and sensations the way nature intended, we function better and feel more vital, energized, and alive. All of us can, at any time in our life, learn to conduct the three brains with expertise pulling the best from them and showing them how to work together for our benefit.

Part 3 of this series will give you an actual experience of your three brains and your Self, making everything I have shared more obvious.

Curaga/Bigstock

from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/27/getting-to-know-your-3-brains-part-two/

A Higher Power for Those Who Don’t Believe in a Higher Power

This article is not directed toward individuals who do not find themselves struggling to embrace a Higher Power of their understanding while working toward recovery. It is directed at those who may want to embrace something, yet cannot identify with what they are comfortable.

Several of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (and Narcotics Anonymous) involve a Higher Power, so one could imagine this being offputting to someone who does not identify one. It can be challenging to wrap your head around the steps if God or a Higher Power is not in your life.

Notice I said “challenging” and not “impossible.” Atheists and agnostics who have been clean for years can attribute their success to both AA and NA as well as a variety of other resources: rehab, individual therapy, a community of shared beliefs, to name a select few.

The following is an expansion of a conversation I had in session with a client who was struggling with the grip alcohol had on his life. He was reluctant to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and embrace the program, stating he cannot buy into the idea of “a bearded man in the sky.” My client identified himself as an atheist, stating he literally was a-theistic, not believing in a god, by anyone’s definition. He was having difficulty thinking about embracing their philosophy, and imagining feeling part of the AA community.

I asked him what his beliefs were, and he kind of playfully rolled his eyes and threw his head back, as if to silently ask me why we were even discussing this at all. I nudged him to humor me, asking if he believed in the theory of evolution. He said yes.

I wouldn’t let him off so easy, asking him to explain more of what that meant. He stated he believed there was a Big Bang, and the universe was created. Then, molecules huddled together in specific formations, eventually creating living beings. These beings evolved from simpler, single-celled life forms, into much more complex animals and plant life.

At this point, I interjected that he seemed to trust in the process of evolution, of things transitioning as they should: more complex, more interactive, more self-sufficient, more progressive, each new stage being an improvement on the former. He nodded.

So could it be safe to say, I asked him, that he believed in “smart biology,” that things seemed to evolve into better (smarter, stronger, more resilient) versions of themselves? He agreed.

And could it be fathomable, that biology, in its natural, unaltered state, would unfold as it should? Evolving, changing, improving?

Yes, he said.

Is it possible then, that evolution or biology was his Higher Power? That his body, in a natural state unaltered by alcohol, is as it should be, evolving and following the best natural course it could? Providing him the opportunity to be the healthiest it could possibly be, make choices from a place of clarity, respond to things from a place of emotional balance?

Hmm … maybe … Or maybe he could make Batman his Higher Power.

The last statement was said in jest, but the previous statements were thought-provoking for him.

Is it possible to use something other than God as a Higher Power? Why not? Some people use nature, or their ideal self. Many use the power of the group itself.

Something I’ve noticed as a therapist is the quantity of information out there to help people. It can get overwhelming. Sometimes you may even feel like telling everyone to keep their recommendations to themselves already.

I encourage my clients to find what works for them. Take the best, and leave the rest. Just so long as it’s providing you with solace, comfort, guidance, strength, or hope.

It doesn’t have to be an addiction, either. It could be depression, anxiety, grief, or trauma that leaves us feeling alone in the world.

Find your way. Allow yourself to find what works for you.

A good therapist will help you through it, if you choose to seek therapy. A good sponsor will as well.

Embrace the healthy changes, and whatever help there is out there for you. Take the leap to the new you. A trapeze artist has to completely let go of the bar as they leap through the air, arms outstretched to grasp the next one. A Higher Power of your understanding can be your net. Or the force behind your leap. Or even the bar you’re reaching for. Just know that if you keep swinging, it may be fun for a little while, but eventually, you will grow weary, no opportunity to rest or move forward, or you may fall.

Take a leap, either with your faith or with your actions, toward a new life.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/26/a-higher-power-for-those-who-dont-believe-in-a-higher-power/

Childhood Trauma: Overcoming the Hurt of Invalidation

“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.”
— Brene Brown

I talk about my childhood trauma because I lived in denial for most of my life. I write about it because I didn’t understand what happened, why it happened, what it meant. I couldn’t explain all these feelings of shame, depression, and disgust. As I grow to understand it better, I hope my writing can help other victims who feel lost and scour the internet for answers — for a childhood they can relate to.

“We can’t smooth over hurt feelings in our families,” Brene Brown writes. “It’s too easy for stockpiled hurt to turn into rage, resentment, and isolation. We must talk about it. Even when we don’t want to. Even when we’re tired.”

But talking about it means being prepared to meet with invalidation. Not everyone will support our journey to heal. They could outright deny that we were abused or traumatized. Some people just don’t want to believe that they live in a world where things like sexual abuse can happen. “That’s something that only happens on a TV movie.”

Invalidation can take many forms. People may tell say: Stop living in the past. Let bygones be bygones. Everyone had a bad childhood. Things could be worse.

The message here is that something is wrong with us for not being able to move past the traumatization. They might even imply that we should let it go and reconcile with the abuser. This minimizes the illegality and the affects of what happened to us.

When we’re being invalidated in this way, it’s important to remember that this person doesn’t have our best interest at heart. They’re not taking in what we’ve said — they are actively keeping it out of mind. In fact, they are probably coming from their own place of denial, where their deeply-held feelings have been invalidated in a similar way, according to Elisabeth Corey, a survivor of family-controlled child sexual abuse and trafficking. (She has some great steps to beating invalidation on her blog).

Corey says an invalidator is much like the voice in our heads that defends the abuser and makes us question our perception of what occurred. Gaslighting and self-doubt abound. It is the language of abuse, the very same used by abusers to control their victims.

I recently told a family member about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. They dismissed the subject, telling me they “would be overjoyed if the worst thing that ever happened” to them was the abuse I experienced. I lost a lot of sleep over this conversation and grappled with a mixture of anger and resentment for so long I was filled with depression and self-loathing.

Invalidation is triggering. It makes a white hot anger rise up inside. We want to defend ourselves the way we couldn’t when we were young. At the same time, we lean towards self-doubt because we’d all rather believe the abuse didn’t happen at all. Invalidation makes healing slow down and we feel like we don’t have a right to share our story anymore.

In the end, we can’t control other people (or the things they say). We can only control our behavior.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” — Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

There is a lot to be said for Taoism in trauma recovery. The Tao, or “the Way,” is the source and guiding principal of all reality. It’s the energy that ushers everything in the universe into and out of existence, over and over again. A main principal of Taoism is not to struggle against nature, instead we accept it and work with it, in harmony. We accept life — both good parts and bad. We don’t force anything — we go with the flow.

This concept is comforting because it allows us to put the focus on self and healing. That healing will take however long it takes and will include whatever it must encompass. We don’t have to fight, we don’t have to be vigilant, and we don’t have to be validated. We can just go with the natural flow and that is to heal and be self-compassionate. That flow got us this far.

Invalidation hurts and we have a right to that feeling. We shouldn’t deny our emotions. Just never forget that we are the sole authority of our own experience.

When met with invalidation remember the Tao: We can’t control others. We can only self-cultivate. No action is required. We don’t have to fight and defend ourselves. Simply let them be themselves, as we continue on our healing path unhindered.

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” — Lao Tzu

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/26/childhood-trauma-overcoming-the-hurt-of-invalidation/

How to Deal with Difficult Parents

As kids, we put our parents on a pedestal. When we were growing up, they could heal every wound, solve every problem and fix anything that was broken.

As adults, we realize they don’t actually know everything and also have shortcomings. Sometimes, the tables turn — our parents begin to come to us for financial help, relationship advice, or career guidance. We may start to feel like we are their parents and have come into a role of supporting them much sooner than we expected.

Here are some ways to help you cope with this newfound responsibility and deal with difficult parents.

 

• Remember how much they did for you.

 

Our parents birthed us, bathed us, changed our diapers, helped us with countless hours of homework, college applications, and advised us on friendship and relationship problems throughout our childhood and adolescent years. Did I mention they changed many diapers? They have done so much for us, and yet it is easy to forget all of the sacrifices they made on our behalf. When you are feeling frustrated with them, remind yourself of all the love, care, and time they have poured into you over the years.

• Set appropriate boundaries.Establishing appropriate boundaries with your parents can have a positive impact on your relationship. Start by setting small boundaries and do so in a tactful, non-shaming way. Stress your love for them and set parameters by simply offering an alternative.

  For example, when your parents give you a hard time about not making it to Christmas Eve dinner, let them know you and your spouse can’t make it because you will be with your partner’s family. But you would love to come over for Christmas Day dinner. It is possible to set proper limits with while still showing them love and respect.

• Get in their heads.Does your mother come over and try to rearrange your furniture? Does your father come over and offer you tips on how to better care for your yard? It may seem like they are pestering or judging you, but in reality it could be something else. Try to think of why your mom or dad is still trying to hang onto you so tenaciously. Understanding where they could be coming from can help you have a more honest, loving response.
• Confide in siblings.Your siblings may be the only people in the world who completely understand and share the same frustrations about your parents. Talking with siblings about your parents can offer solutions you may not have considered. If nothing else, it can bring comic relief to discuss together your mother’s audacity or ridiculousness.
• Lower your expectations. We may never change how our parents behave, but we can control how we respond. By changing or lowering our expectations, we can find their behavior less irritating or disappointing.
• Go to therapy together.If you feel like your relationship with one or both parents is particularly toxic, seeing a counselor together can help. Having an objective third party to hash out the details with and help explain different perspectives can be extremely productive and refreshing for everyone involved. Most parents want to maintain healthy relationships with their children and should be willing to do what they need in order to do so.

In the end, you decide how to respond to your difficult parents. If the relationship is worth keeping, maybe you need to do a better job of loving them despite their faults. In any relationship, love is a choice. However, love also has boundaries and mutual respect, so do not settle for a relationship with your parents that is driven more by guilt and obligation than genuine affection.

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from World of Psychology http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/26/how-to-deal-with-difficult-parents/